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toothpastecanyon · 4 days

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Human Again, Chapter 10 of 10

Sayaka Miki was worse than dead. She was lost forever, adrift, drowning in a sea of her darkest emotions... until she wasn't. She was a witch, and then she was waking up in Kyoko's apartment. This timeline is doomed, and for what? Sayaka has to find that out for herself.

A timeline where Madoka was able to trade her soul for Sayaka's in episode nine. TW for suicidal ideation and self harm.

See most updated version on Archive of Our Own.

______________________________________________________________

On the outskirts of Mikihara Town, in an apartment block down by the rail lines, there is the sound of a piano. It’s a quiet sound, drowned out as a freight train rumbles past, but when the noise dies down, it comes to life again. It’s coming from the upper floors, where the first rays of soft morning sun alight upon two windows, and spill into the room beyond.

Daylight dapples the folds of an unmade bed, plays upon a small clump of clothes piled next to it on the floor. It streams over a small stove and a countertop, and a dirty bowl in the sink. It shines bright on a figure sitting before a keyboard on her desk, and her fingers seem to glow as they slide across the keys.

And she makes the piano sing.

A songbook is on the stand in front of her, but she isn’t playing anything in particular. Her fingers wander this way and that, playing something slow and somber - then they pause for a moment, and switch to something different, something a little faster, and then slow again. They ebb and flow like waves crashing on the shore; each iteration a little different, yet all a part of something larger. Like a voice in a chorus… a violin in an orchestra.

The figure hangs her head, and plays on. If someone were listening in, they’d wonder why such a beautiful song brought a strange chill to their soul, made them want to turn away, to cover their ears. No matter how the music changes, there’s something strangely disquieting to it, and as she plays louder, as her fingers fall harder on each key, there’s an anger, a twisting, raging fury that comes alive in the music, and the figure shudders from the weight of it… and then it goes quiet again. Quiet, and cold.

And in the midst of that quiet, an alarm rings. The figure takes a moment to react… but after a moment, Sayaka Miki sighs, turns off her piano, picks up her phone, and silences it. She looks up at the brightening sky, and takes a slow breath.

A new day.

Rising to her feet, she picks a hair off her work uniform, then grabs her bag and heads for the door.

______________________________________________________________

“You’re late.”

“I’m not-” Sayaka checks her phone. “-that late! Come on, two minutes?”

Her manager, standing by the counter with arms crossed, rolls his eyes and walks into the back. Her coworker snorts.

“You’re in trou-ble.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She shrugs off her bag. “I’ll put this away and come right out.”

“Dude, no rush. No one even comes in until lunch.”

“But I thought you heard, two minutes late is an emergency!” Sayaka hears a grunt from the back, and they both snicker. “Alright, give me a second.”

The radio plays classical music, and Sayaka hums along as she works. She arranges a stand of headphones, and then she walks along the aisle of albums, sorting all the ones put back out of place. One is sold out; her hand lingers on the empty space, on the name printed on the price tag:

By Kyosuke Kamijo

Sayaka sighs, and gives a little smile. Of course it’s sold out - it’s some of his best work yet.

She should reach out.

The thought takes her by surprise; a blink, then she frowns. No, no, not to Kyouske… but she does take out her phone, and scroll down, down to her texts with Hitomi. Sayaka wished her a happy birthday a couple months ago, and she said thanks… Maybe it was time to reach out again. They could go out to lunch, or just do a call-

“What are you doing?”

Sayaka jumps and turns around. Her manager is standing there, glaring down at her.

“You’re on the clock,” he says, and watches her stuff her phone back into her pocket. “I don’t pay you to text all day.”

“I haven’t been texting all day! I just took it out for a second, I-”

“You shouldn’t take it out at all.” He eyes the ground. “Sweep if you’re looking for something to do. This floor is disgusting.”

Then he shuffles away, leaving Sayaka to glare at the space where he’d been. She feels her phone in her pocket, then rolls her eyes and goes to get a broom.

Maybe she’ll text her later, if she remembers.

______________________________________________________________

“Hey, beautiful. Haven’t seen you around before.”

The world is rushing past the train, and Sayaka sits forwards, glaring at a guy leering over a girl a few rows in front.

“Uhm…” The girl gives a nervous laugh. She has a Mitakihara school uniform on, Sayaka notices, and her lip curls. “Th-thank you? I-”

“You’re so welcome! Hey, what’s your name? What stop you getting off at?” The man chuckles. “What’s the matter? Don’t look so scared - I’m just making friendly conversation! What’s wrong with that?”

“I-I… Nothing, I didn’t mean to-”

“Leave her alone.” Sayaka says, and all eyes turn to her. “She doesn’t want to talk to some creep on the train.”

The man narrows his eyes. “Creep?” He says, and stalks down the aisle. “You calling me a creep, miss?”

He towers over her, silhouetted by the overhead lights but for the dangerous glint in his eyes and the teeth in his smile. He leans forwards, trapping her in her row of seats, but she doesn’t draw back.

“You heard me,” her voice is quiet, collected. “Now leave her alone.”

A laugh. “Oh, yeah? Or what?”

There’s a melody in her head as she looks at the man. A melody like the one she played this morning, like the one that raged in her soul as she buried two useless men by the side of a rail line.

He’s just like them, she thinks. There are people out there as bad as witches, people that no one would mourn, people that the world is better off without… and he’s one of them. He’s going to wander this city, making life worse for everyone he meets, just begging for someone to put him out of his misery.

Sayaka stares through the man without a word, and a shiver seems to pass over him. He takes a step back, then scowls and throws up his hands.

“Whatever, I don’t need this drama. I was just joking around, but I forgot, that’s a crime these days…”

He walks off muttering, and after a moment, Sayaka turns her eyes back to the front. The girl looks over, and gives her a shy smile.

“Thanks,” She says. “Thanks for, um… thanks.”

Sayaka returns her smile, but she doesn’t feel like talking. That melody is still echoing in her mind, and she stares out of the window, watching the world go by, looking for the beauty in it again… it doesn’t take as long as it used to.

The sun is setting, yet still shining over Mitakihara City. The sky is awash with bright yellow fading into a deep blue, dappled with rich orange clouds that play on the seamless panes of the skyscrapers and the river cutting between them. The sun ducks between buildings, its reddened light falling softly on the inside of the train, and upon her face.

She can feel its gentle warmth, and she smiles.

______________________________________________________________

The sun has already set as Sayaka steps off the train and makes her way home. It’s not a long walk from the station, but she’s been on her feet all day. God, they ache, but she’s nearly there, nearly to her bed. She thinks of sinking into it, and it carries her forward.

As she makes it to her building, though, there’s a sound from the alley that makes her stop. A small, plaintive meow, and she watches a little black cat pad into the streetlight.

Sayaka grins, and leans down. “There you are,” she says, and sticks out her hand, lets it sniff her. “You had me worried this morning. Where were you?”

The cat pushes its face into Sayaka’s fingers, then looks up at her shoulder. Its tail swishes, and Sayaka stands up before she can jump.

“Oh, no, you can’t come up.” The cat meows at her and presses into her legs, and she laughs. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. But if you fall asleep on me, I might just take you home, and I can’t have pets in my apartment!” Grinning, she digs in her purse. “But I know something that’ll cheer you up. Since you didn’t show this morning, I’ve been carting this around all day!”

Sayaka takes out a bag of treats and snorts as the cat’s eyes go wide. She spends a little time feeding them to it, stroking its fur and feeling the purr rumble deep in its chest. She hasn’t named the cat, though - if you name something, it becomes a pet, and she can’t have a pet right now, okay?

Her smile dims a bit, and she rises to her feet. The cat looks up at her with wide eyes, and she waves goodbye.

“Well, I’ll see you around. I’ll have more food for you tomorrow, okay?”

Then she turns and swipes her keycard, and as she heads inside, she remembers how tired she is. Her steps fall heavy on the way to the elevator; she presses a button, then leans back, trying to take the weight off her feet. There’s a ding, and as the doors open she trudges down the hall, digging in her purse for her key.

There it is. She pushes the door open, slips off her purse on the way to the bedroom, and flops onto her bed. What a day… after a moment, she draws out her phone to check the time. The first thing that comes up when it opens is her texts with Hitomi - oh, yeah, she was going to text her.

Sayaka hesitates, and then closes it and sits up. It’s too late in the day, she’ll do it later. And as much as she’d love to go to sleep right now, she’s got exam prep to do.

Her stomach growls as she gets to her feet. And dinner - ugh, she has to think about dinner. Are those leftovers from the weekend still good? Or maybe she can see what she has in the pantry…

______________________________________________________________

“And I told your father not to cheap out on the contractors, but you know him.”

Sayaka sits across from her mother at a restaurant, picking at her food. “Mhm.”

“So now our bathroom’s not going to be usable for months while we get the new team to look over the plans, and not to mention any new permits!”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s really such a hassle when we could have just paid them in the first place!”

“Yeah,” Sayaka put down her chopsticks. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. I mean, I love Dad, but every time we meet you’ve got a story like this.”

“Oh, it’s not every time-“

“It’s pretty much every time, yeah. I’m kind of sick of it.”

The silence hangs, there, and she looks up to see her mother’s raised eyebrows. With a wince, Sayaka clears her throat.

“Sorry, that was- I didn’t mean to be rude. Sorry.”

“It’s okay-“

“No, that was…” She rubs her eyes. “It’s just, ah, classes are kind of a lot right now. And we got this new manager at my job who’s being such a jerk about my exam dates.”

“About your exams? He knows you’re a-“

“College student, yeah, it’s ridiculous!” She stabs her chicken. “It’s like, fire me if you want, I’m not showing up next Friday, okay!”

“He’s not going to fire you, dear.”

“He likes to say he will. We’ll see, I guess.” She makes a face. “Ugh, maybe it’s time to start looking somewhere else. It just sucks, because I really liked that place before he showed up.”

“That’s a shame.” Her mother tries for a smile. “You’re always welcome back home, you know.”

“Yeah…”

“I mean, you’re so young to be living on your own,” she continues, and the worried shine in her eye has Sayaka stuffing her face so she doesn’t have to respond. “All of my friends were so shocked to hear about it - none of their daughters moved out for college!”

“Mhm.”

“I just can’t help but worry. All this stress with the job - for one, what must it be doing to your grades?”

She tries not to roll her eyes. “They’re fine, Mom.”

“You’re such a smart girl, they should be more than fine! The daughter I raised would be top of the class if it weren’t for all this unnecessary-“

“Mom-“

“Look, I’m sorry if we gave you a hard time about your major. We were just concerned, but we won’t-“

“It’s not that, Mom.”

“Then what is it?” She looks at Sayaka with pleading eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Sayaka cringes. “Nothing’s wrong, I like living on my own. I just… I need to do this for myself, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, I just… I need to know I can…”

She pauses, wordlessly trying to grapple with the tangled mess of reasons in her head - and then she feels something on her hand. Her mother’s hand, stretched across the table, squeezing gently. Her mother’s face, trying so hard to smile - but she can’t hide that old terror.

That terror, the first thing that greeted her when she came back to her parents in the storm shelter all those years ago. It was that terror that made their hugs squeeze so tight, that terror that had them peeking through her bedroom door when they thought she was asleep. It was that terror that held back tears when they asked questions she couldn’t answer, and even after all these years, even as they’ve got better at hiding it, at smiling through it… it’s that same terror that stares back at her now.

Her mother’s hand squeezes a bit too tight, and Sayaka pulls back. “I just, I just need to do this for myself, that’s all.”

“Sayaka-“

“It’s fine, Mom, my grades are fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine-“

“But it’s not fine, why can’t you ever just tell me what’s wrong so I can help you!”

Sayaka stiffens, and now it’s her mother’s words that weigh heavy in the silence. Her mother instantly knows that’s too loud, too real; she struggles to correct.

“I-I mean, I just… why didn’t you tell me what was wrong with- with your job?” She seizes on that point and leans forward. “You don’t have to, to put up with that… you know, my friend owns a company near you, they’re looking for a secretary, if you wanted to…?”

She trails off, her hands anxiously gripping the tablecloth, talking more to herself than anyone else. With a sigh, Sayaka rubs her neck.

“Yeah,” she says. “Sure, Mom, I’ll, I’ll take a look. Thanks.”

“Of course, dear.” Her mother looks down at her dinner, and takes a bite. “Oh, this is, delicious! Is yours alright?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Mine’s great.”

“Mine too. You know, it was that friend who told me about this place, she said it’s so good, and, and she was right, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah, she was. It’s nice.”

Her mother looks up, and they smile at each other like two soldiers across a battlefield, all the hurt and love and secrets strewn like mines between them. And as long as they stay at their stations, as long as they let those shells rot in the ground…

They can pretend they don’t have to squint.

“This is nice.”

______________________________________________________________

“Can I sit here?”

Sayaka’s looking at her phone when she hears the voice; glancing up, it’s the schoolgirl again. She looks nervous, sounds nervous, and Sayaka can’t help but spot a figure lingering at the far end of the train car, standing with empty seats all around him.

So Sayaka puts on a big smile. “Oh, hey sis!” She says loudly, and scoots over. “Of course you can, it’s great to see you!”

The schoolgirl looks a bit taken aback for a moment, but she cottons on. “O-oh, uh, yeah, it’s great to see you too! How are you doing?”

“Great, great. I’m just meeting up with my boyfriend - he’s gonna be getting on the train in a second!” From the corner of her eye, Sayaka watches the dark figure start to slink off. She lets her voice soften. “You had a follower, huh?”

“Uh, yeah.” The girl fiddles with the strap of her bag. “S-sorry, Miss, I didn’t want to bother you, I just-“

“No, no, that’s smart. Bother me all you want, okay?” Her smile twists a bit. “Sorry you had to.”

“I don’t know why this keeps happening.” She tugs at her skirt. “Is it, is it something I’m doing? I feel like I’m giving them the wrong idea, or-”

“You’re not giving anyone the wrong idea. You’re in a school uniform. They know what they’re doing.”

“Oh.”

And there didn’t seem to be much to say after that; Sayaka tries, she wracks her brain to think of something else, something a bit more encouraging… but that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the world they live in.

What else is there to say but “Oh”?

The train’s slowing now, coming up to a platform. Sayaka lets the deceleration push her against the seat. She feels a tap on her shoulder, and looks over at the girl.

“Do you want me to move?” Says the girl. “So your boyfriend can sit here?”

“My…?” A blink, and then with a chuckle she remembers. “Oh, hah! No, no, it’s fine. I made up the boyfriend part to scare him off.”

“Oh - haha, oh, that makes sense!”

They both laugh at that.

______________________________________________________________

Exam week. Sayaka wakes up every day with her heart fluttering in her chest; she sets twice as many alarms, dresses twice as quickly, and runs out the door in a flash. She doesn’t take breakfast; she’s too nervous to eat. She doesn’t even stop when the cat in the alley comes out tail-up to greet her - just a quick “Sorry, gotta go!” over her shoulder.

Every night, she comes back drained. Every night, she slumps a little lower on the train - she’s found herself dozing off, finding herself jolting awake at the sound of her station and hurrying to the doors before they close.

It’s a bone-tiredness, these nights, but there’s also a kind of satisfaction to it. Commiserating texts with her classmates as she heats up dinner, reading up one more time on the material until her eyes can’t stay open… and then, for these rare nights, falling asleep as soon as she hits the mattress. There’s not a moment of lying awake in the dark, not a thought in her head, not even a dream.

It’s lovely, Sayaka thinks, and as she rides the train home this Friday night, she can’t help but think about what a relief it’s going to be. Another semester survived, and even though she’s going to be on pins and needles waiting for the results… she actually feels pretty good about this.

A smile sets into her face as she stares out into the darkness.

She’s doing alright for herself, isn’t she? She’s out here in the world, and she’s doing alright for herself.

It seems like such a small thing, but for so long, when Sayaka imagined the future… it was never something that had her in it. For so long she never imagined she’d make it past high school. It wasn’t always that she thought she’d kill herself; it persisted for years after she stopped actively wanting to, this kind of dull certainty that for one reason or another, she just wouldn’t be around much longer. It wasn’t a scary thought, it just was - the sky was blue, and the future was a void.

But now, when she looks to the future, she doesn’t see a void. She’s already signed up for next semester, and a classmate was asking if anyone wanted to rent with her - they were talking about it. She went to the dentist the other week, and they asked her if she’d like to book next year’s appointment - she said yes.

It’s kind of boring, isn’t it?

Doing okay, it’s boring, and maybe there’s a part of her that misses when things were life and death, when she was a hero or a monster, when she felt like she could give herself to saving the world. It’s such a nebulous concept now, saving the world - what does that mean, putting the recycling out? Holding the door for someone? Voting?

There was something so comforting about the certainty she used to see the world in, even when it was a certainty that she was broken inside and nothing was ever going to get better for her. It’s that certainty she misses, that sense that there’s always a right thing to do. But this new life she has, in all its messiness - it’s one she can finally see herself living in.

A smile, slight and tired and jaded… but also genuine.

She’s glad. She’s glad she can finally see that.

Her phone buzzes then; it’s from a group chat she’s in, asking if anyone wants to go out tomorrow to celebrate. That sounds fun; she sits up a bit, and starts texting as the train slows down. The announcement washes over her without really registering; her stop isn’t for a while, so she hardly notices as the doors open, as someone steps on board.

The figure brushes past her, and Sayaka doesn’t connect it at first.

Why does she - fuck, why does she suddenly feel sick? She puts a hand to her mouth and realises her fingers are trembling, the hairs are raised up in goosebumps all down her arms. Her heart is pounding in her chest, screaming in her ears; she’s breathing hard, like she wants to run.

Run. Run.

The doors close, and suddenly she feels trapped. Gripping the seat with white knuckles, Sayaka glances up and down the train; what’s going on? There’s nothing wrong, it’s just…

It’s just the schoolgirl, and

Oh no.

And there. On her shoulder.

Oh, please, no.

Those eyes. Those red eyes.

It’s him.

Kyubey perches innocently on the schoolgirl’s shoulder as she takes a seat, his tail slowly swishing from side to side. For a moment, Sayaka can only stare on in speechless horror, and he doesn’t meet her eyes, doesn’t give any indication he sees her at all. He just sits there, and cleans his paws, and it takes everything Sayaka has not to throw up on the floor.

She - how… what does - oh god. Oh, god, oh god oh god.

She has to say something.

Forcing her shaking legs under her, Sayaka stands up - and then immediately stumbles as the train lurches to a start.

“Whoa! Are you okay, Miss?”

“I’m-“ Sayaka sees she’s stood up as well, sees him on her shoulder as she steps closer, and struggles not to back away. “I- you’ve got to-“

“Miss?”

Sayaka’s looking at the outstretched hand. There’s a ring on it.

There’s a ring on it, with a little blue gem. Only a shade greener than her own once was, and her heart sinks.

The schoolgirl stands in front of her, worry etched on her face, and all the words in the world dry up on Sayaka’s tongue. What’s there to say?

It’s already too late.

“I…” Sayaka clears her throat, looks anywhere but her face. “I just… uh, I just thought I saw something.”

“Saw what?”

“Just… something.” She glances at Kyubey, and swallows hard. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Uh… okay?”

Sayaka leaves the schoolgirl standing there as she quickly shuffles away and sits back down; the girl lingers a second longer, and then seems to back away and take her seat again. Sayaka can feel her questioning gaze burning into the back of her head; she can hear a faint little whispering, and then, like nails on a chalkboard, she can hear his reply echo in her mind.

“I don’t know,” he says, so innocently, and Sayaka digs her fingers into the sides of her legs. “It’s certainly interesting if she did, but she’s not a magical girl. She’d just think you’re crazy if you tried to tell her about this, so it’s best not to.”

Sayaka couldn’t stand to hear his voice a second longer; she grabbed her bag and headed for the next carriage.

“Anyway, she’s no one important. Are you ready for tonight? Good.”

She runs through three carriages before his voice finally fades from her mind. It’s more populated up here, and she hides herself in the corner, her hand clamped over her mouth, begging her blurry eyes to hold on until she’s back home. It feels like an eternity, this train ride, and she can see through every sideways glance that she isn’t fooling anyone. Finally they come to her stop, and she squeezes through the opening doors and sprints away.

There’s no holding it back once she’s off the train. By the time she makes it to her house, she’s a sobbing wreck, shaking like a leaf as she pats herself down for her keycard.

Meow?

“N-not now,” Sayaka shakes her head, shakes her head. She feels something soft brush against her leg and she jerks back. “I-I said not now! Agh, shit!”

Her keycard drops to the ground, and it takes a couple tries to scoop it up again. Her trembling fingers struggle to swipe it, and then she opens the door and slams it behind her like Kyubey himself is still hot on her heels. She doesn’t take the elevator - she can’t stand to wait another second - but instead rushes up the stairs two steps at a time, makes it to her room, shuts it hard and locks it twice. Drawing the chain into place, she steps back, back again, her heart pounding in her neck, her breath getting faster and fasterand fasterandfasteruntil she can’t

she can’t

breathe

she can’t

take

a breath, her

her head

light

vision swimming

she can’t

she can’t, she

can’t, she can’t,

she can’t, she can’t,

she can’t, she can’t, she can’t, she can’t…

…

Breathe in. Crouched against the bed, Sayaka takes a single shuddering breath. It feels like drowning to hold it, but she manages a moment, and lets it burst out. Her heart feels like a jackhammer.

Breathe in. Her whole body is fighting it. She feels the fear like a vice tightening on her chest, but she holds it. She holds it, and she lets it out, and she waits a moment.

Breathe in. The bed covers, hanging, hanging over. She grips them. Feels the softness. It’s soft. Breathe out.

…

Breathe in. The ground is, the ground is cold. Because it’s wood.

It’s dark in here. She should turn on a light.

Breathe out.

With a hard swallow, Sayaka puts her hand on her chest, feeling her heart slowly, slowly reel back to baseline. She takes another breath in, and lets it out with a long sigh.

Hoooly shit. It’s been a while since she had a bad one, huh? She did not miss doing that.

The slightest chuckle. No - no, she did not.

Haha, hah… oh, jesus. That poor girl.

She sits there for a good while until it feels like she can stand again. And once she’s up, all she wants to do is go to sleep. She hasn’t eaten in hours, but her stomach twists at the thought of dinner.

No, no. She needs to be done with today.

Collapsing into bed, Sayaka closes her heavy eyes, and prays for all the thoughts swirling around her head to be quiet, to please just hold off until tomorrow…

She prays, and the god of this world is listening. With a soft pulse of light, a pink figure appears in the room. The figure floats forward until she’s standing right over Sayaka’s bed, reaches down, and brushes the hair from her eyes. Sayaka’s frown eases, and she rolls onto her side and drifts away.

The figure stands there for a moment, smiling softly down on her. Then she kneels down, and takes her hand.

Sayaka Miki has a strange dream that night.

______________________________________________________________

They’re tuning the instruments. Sayaka can hear them on stage, the little flourishes of violins, the tooting of clarinets, a bang of the drums. The show is starting soon.

Sayaka looks around, and frowns.

The show is starting soon, but… all the seats around her are empty. Down beneath the balcony, too; there’s no one there. And - huh, even though she can hear the instruments, there’s no sign of the orchestra. The stage is utterly empty.

What’s going on? Where is she? Why is-

“Please don’t be scared.”

A warm hand clasps over her own, and Sayaka looks over to see a face she’s missed for almost seven years now. No way. No way.

Madoka Kaname smiles. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought this would be a nice place to talk.”

“Ma- Ma-“ Sayaka can’t get the words out. She shakes her head. “I’m dreaming. This can’t be- it’s you!”

“I missed you too, Sayaka.” Her smile crumples a little. “I missed you so much.”

Sayaka hears that voice, sees that smile, and it’s all so familiar it feels like an ache in her heart. This can’t be a dream; she doesn’t dream like this. But if this is real, that means, that means…!

She doesn’t waste another second. Throwing her arms around Madoka, she wraps her up in a hug and squeezes like she’s never going to let go. She feels Madoka squeeze right back, and the world around them shrinks to fit this one embrace, this reunion where for just a moment, the holes they left in each other’s hearts are filled, and nothing at all is wrong.

Just one, perfect, joyful moment. But as all things do, it fades, and Sayaka pulls back, wiping her eyes.

“I-I don’t, I don’t understand.” She gives a shaky laugh. “How are you here? Did… Did Homura do it? Did she really save you?”

Madoka’s smile twists. “She tried so hard to,” she said, and her words put a pit in Sayaka’s stomach. “But she did something even better. She helped me realise what I really wanted with my wish.” A laugh. “And I was going to waste it on cake, remember?”

“No…”

“It’s okay, Sayaka. Really, it is.” She took her hands. “I wished to erase all witches from this world, so no one has to suffer for making their wishes. So no one feels like everything they did was for nothing, you know?” A smile. “So that’s what I am, now. I go to every magical girl in every timeline that’s ever existed, and I don’t let them fall into despair. I can’t think of any wish more meaningful than that.”

“But…” Sayaka struggles for words. “Madoka…”

A gentle squeeze on her hands. “Y’know, it’s funny, though,” Madoka says, softly, and frowns. “I’m not sure how I’m able to be here, with you. I already saved you, didn’t I?”

“You did, you did.” A lump forms in her throat. “And I never got to say thank you. Thank you, Madoka. Thank you so much.”

“And you’re all grown up,” Madoka says, smiling up at her - smiling up. Her hands are warm, but small.

Sayaka looks at her, and for a split second, she doesn’t see her friend. She sees that schoolgirl on the train.

She’s only fourteen years old.

“Yeah,” Sayaka says, softly. “I’m twenty-one.” A pause, then she tries to shake herself out of that with a laugh. “Don’t, uh, really feel that grown up though, hah!”

Madoka leans against her. “What’s that like?” She asks, and there’s a little anxiousness to it. “Did you ever… make things up with Hitomi?”

Hitomi - god. Sayaka puts an arm around her, and sighs. “Uh, yeah, sort of. We still hung out at school… but I ended up missing a lot of days.”

“Why?”

Oh boy, why indeed. “I, uh, had a lot to work through,” she says, giving a hard swallow as she thought of those days. “It wasn’t easy with everyone asking me what happened - especially Hitomi. I never knew what to say to her.”

“You aren’t friends anymore?”

“No, no, we’re still friends! Kind of. We meet up once or twice a year, it’s… nice.”

“Once or twice a year?” Madoka looks up at her with wide eyes. “That’s awful, we used to hang out every day!”

“Yeah… yeah.” Sayaka grimaces. “It’s… things change, I guess. She’s doing well, though.”

“What about your Mom and Dad? You made it back to them, right?”

“Oh, yeah, of course. And we meet up much more often, like every week or so.” She chuckles a little. “They’d never have let me move out if I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you just stay with them?”

“Huh?”

“My Mom always said I could stay with them as long as I want.” There’s a shakiness to her voice now; Sayaka watched her wipe her face. “I-I really miss her, Sayaka. I miss everyone!”

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay-“

“And it’s so lonely now,” she says, and as Sayaka draws her into a hug she collapses against her chest. “This is, th-this is what I want, b-but what if it isn’t? What if I made a huge mistake a-and I c-can’t go back?”

“Madoka-“

“What i-if I’m not even saving anyone?”

“Don’t be silly. You saved me, oka-”

“I didn’t save you at all!”

Madoka collapsed, sobbing, in her arms. Blinking, Sayaka holds her tight, struggling for words.

“What do you… what do you mean?”

“I can see it,” she says, barely above a whisper. “I can see your pain. Ever since I made that wish for you, you’ve been in so much pain, and that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? I can only visit witches - I-I wouldn’t be here if you were happy!” Madoka buries herself in Sayaka’s shoulder, her face crumpling. “Your life seems so sad now. You don’t talk to Hitomi, you live all alone, and you’re still so… still so hurt and it’s all my fault for bringing you back! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Holding her close with a lump in her throat, Sayaka couldn’t help but find this so familiar. She’s had this conversation before, hasn’t she? In a field of rubble, under weeping clouds, Madoka had said this all before.

It used to keep Sayaka awake, what she should have said that day. What she could have said, and maybe Madoka would still be with her, maybe everything would’ve turned out alright, maybe maybe maybe. She’d learned you could drown in maybes.

But Madoka is here now, and she’s so much smaller than the hero Sayaka remembers. She’s here now, asking for help, and this time, Sayaka doesn’t find herself so speechless.

“Madoka… you did save me,” she said, and when Madoka opens her mouth: “You did. I promise you, there’s not a day that goes by now where I’m not grateful for what you did for me.”

“But you’re not happy.”

“I am happy, Madoka. Really, I am.” Sayaka gazes up at a sky full of stars, and sighs. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I’d ever even feel okay again. I kept thinking about how… how different everything was, how different I was. But that’s just it, you know? Everything changes, Madoka. It would’ve changed even if none of this had happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I don’t know how different our lives would have been if Kyubey never came for us. I don’t know if Hitomi and I would have always drifted away, but… I was never going to stay the same person I was before this all happened. Witch or no.” She sighs. “I used to think I wasn’t capable of happiness anymore… and maybe, for just a little bit of time, I wasn’t. Maybe I was a witch, once. But I changed - I grew up. And you know, I’m kinda starting to like the person I grew into, and I like her a little more every year.”

Madoka looks up at her with wide, shining eyes, and Sayaka strokes the hair from her face.

“And you gave me this, Madoka. You gave me the gift of growing up. And I hope you never doubt that you’ve helped people so much… because you’ve helped me. You’ve saved me, and I… I can never thank you enough.” Her smile shakes a bit. “I love you, Madoka Kaname.”

“I love you too,” Madoka says, and wipes her eyes. She doesn’t say anything else for a moment, but she stares up at the stars, and Sayaka can see them twinkling in her eyes. “I miss you. I miss how things used to be. I… I know it’s awful, but part of me wishes I could go back. This wish… it’s the right thing to do, and I believe in it so much, but… it’s so hard sometimes. Is that selfish of me?”

“It’s not selfish. It’s not selfish. This was never supposed to be our problem to fix.” She holds Madoka tighter. “We were kids - we were supposed to go to school, and do dumb stuff, and we were supposed to grow up together. Why did we need to save the world?”

“Sayaka?”

“I’m proud of you.” Sayaka says, and gives a sad laugh. “Of course you’d be the one to save all the witches. You’re the bravest, the kindest, the strongest person I know, and I… I just wish I could save you like you saved me. It’s… it’s not fair. It’s not fair!”

“Yeah… I guess it isn’t.” Madoka looks down for a moment. Then she looks back up, and there’s a faint smile on her face. “You know, you don’t sound so different. You’ve still gotta stick up for me, huh?”

“Hah. Always.” She hesitates for a moment, then with a little grin she squeezes tighter. “You might be all heroic and junk now, but you’re still mine, Madoka, all mine!”

They both giggle at that; Sayaka grabs her shoulders and pulls her down to the floor with her, and they lie under the stars together, hand in hand, laughter ringing out… and then, slowly, fading.

Madoka gives one last giggle, and then lets it out with a sigh… and silence, now. Silence as they both wonder the same question.

It’s Madoka who says it first.

“I guess… I should be going now, huh?”

Sayaka knows she’s looking at her, but she keeps her eyes up at the stars. “I’m not gonna see you again, am I?” She says, and blinks hard. The stars are blurry now as she feels Madoka’s gentle squeeze.

“I can’t stay. That’s not my purpose.” A pause. “But… thank you, Sayaka. It’s funny - I was supposed to be the one comforting you, but I don’t think I did much of that, huh?”

“You do it for everyone else. I’m glad that just once, someone could do it for you.” She feels Madoka rest her head against her shoulder. “You take care of yourself, okay? You promise?”

“I promise.”

And for a while, they lay there together under the stars. Sayaka wasn’t sure how long they stayed like this, but she can see a brightening on the horizon. The light grows, and grows, and soon it’s enveloping her; she turns her head to the side, but all she sees is light, and it feels like she’s fading, like she’s waking up…

She squeezes her hand, and for the last time in this world, Madoka squeezes back.

______________________________________________________________

It’s blinding, the light. Sayaka opens her eyes, and finds the sun gazing through her windows. She looks up at the ceiling, and sees dust caught in golden sunbeams, tracing an intricate dance just above her head. She breathes out, and watches the dance shift, watches it continue on altered, yet exactly the same.

Different, but exactly the same.

Sayaka sits up slowly, and rubs the dried tears from her eyes. She finds she’s holding something in her hand; looking down, she opens her palm, and finds curled around her fingers a simple, pink ribbon.

A smile as she holds it up to the light. She never doubted it was more than a dream, but it’s a relief to know for sure. Madoka - that really was her. She really saw her again! And she was…

The smile falls. She clasps the ribbon gently to her chest, and takes a sharp breath in. She holds it for a moment, then lets it out in a deep sigh, and gets to her feet.

There’s a scratching sound in the silence. Sayaka takes a moment to notice it, to frown at a little shadow flickering against the back wall; she looks to the window, and gives a little snort.

Walks over, and grins at the little cat pawing at the glass.

“Well, would you look at that?” She sees the cat stop to stare up at her with wide eyes, and snorts. “You’re up kinda high, huh? You wanna come in?”

The cat’s tail swishes as she reaches over and unlatches the window. It swings open, and with one foot, and then the other, it steps onto the desk.

“Mind the keyboard- whoa!” It nuzzles up against her, and she chuckles. “It’s like you’re worried about me or something. Or maybe just hungry - is that it?”

She pets the cat, and the ribbon she’s holding drapes over its ears for a moment before it's flicked away. Sayaka stands there for a moment, her grin softening as she listens to the purr.

“Heh,” she says, and moves to close the window. “Well, let me get you something to eat. I’ve got those treats you like - you want some of those? Come on.”

Sayaka makes her way to the kitchen, and the cat follows, stepping over the piano keys and leaving them still and silent on her desk, glowing in the light of a new day.

#madoka magica #puella magi madoka magica #pmmm #pmmm sayaka #pmmm fanfiction #toothwrites

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