#Kicker is I will forgive. I forgive people but that trust will never be 100% again. I'll not forget

[mrfoox]

How to make Miranda lose up to 80% of her trust and belief in you 101:

- break an promise

- break an agreement on something that's kinda a big deal

[nevertheless-moving]

Could you talk more about your gumbo jar jar au or the frog one? 🐸

hm on close review the frog promise draft is a now redundant drabble from this au. Here it is in its entirety:

“I will never join you,” Luke said with a sneer of disgust.

Palpatine, as well as the nearby politicians, Jedi masters, and reporters were taken aback. 

“I’m afraid I don’t understand your meaning, Master Jedi,” the Senator said incredulously. “Do you mean to tell me that you consider yourself separate from the Republic? I know the Jedi Council had disavowed recognizing you but I never could have imagined...” he trailed off, leaving the crowd to murmur in alarm.

“I mean I will never join the Sith,” the rogue master replied calmly. “I imagine you’re responsible for the traces of the dark side I felt amongst the trade federation leaders.”

“The Sith...I see.” Palpatine took a step back, deliberately reassuring tone and alarmed expression clearly indicated that he suspected the man before him of insanity. “It’s been a very long day and you clearly intended to do good by my humble home world. Perhaps your fellow Jedi can take you to the healers so you can-”

“Why are you working alongside a Sith Lord?” Luke cut off the Senator and addressed Grandmaster Yoda directly. 

“A Sith Lord, you say?” Master Yoda replied. “A most serious allegation, this is.”

Basically, Luke derails the Naboo Crisis by absolutely annihilating the trade federation army, only realizing after the fact when and where he is. This means that Padme turns right around from Tatooine and never voices her vote of no-confidence. Now, Palpatine probably had contingency plans in place, but the public accusation by a Jedi of being responsible for the crisis in the first place, despite absolutely no evidence, hurts his image enough that he’s not going to win a vote, because people will think it’s a power grab. 

And it’s funny cause it’s true but Luke only barely knows that! He’s just accusing Palpatine of being behind the first evil thing he sees and he fuckin happens to be right!!!

Anyway Luke doesn’t focus on Palpatine; there are like 10,000 other Jedi around. He commits himself first and foremost to completing his training with Master Yoda because sometime Yoda just dies and fades into thin air so, you know! He’s not going to procrastinate on that again!

He goes before the council and humbly asks to be taken on Yoda’s student (this is right before Qui-Gon can ask about Anakin- literally, Anakin and Qui-Gon are in the waiting room). He gives several extremely vague banthashit explanations of who he is ‘I’m a follower of the Force,’ where he comes from ‘the Force sent me,’ and why they should train him when he’s way too old ‘the Force willed it.’ Yoda is somewhat impressed because those are some real unhelpfully wise answers and- here’s the kicker- Luke actually believes them! 

He is really committed to being a Jedi! Is 110% all about being a luminous being! This is several years after return of the Jedi and Luke has pretty much just been hanging out in force temples meditating with ghosts so he has quintessential Jedi vibes, he just knows jackshit about anything!

What really clinches it for Yoda is the fact that his robe pocket starts squirming and he pulls out a live Nabooian Salt Frog. And hands it to Yoda like, “These are one of your favorites right? :) I saw it and I thought of you :)”

Now Yoda- let’s step back a second. Yoda is old. Yoda, in his youth, was a bit more feral. He’s a top level predator and the order has always celebrated diversity and being true to your origins! He’s hunted with Tortugans on Shili! He’s unhinged his jaw with Besalisks on Ojom! 

But as the Republic’s boundaries caved in on themselves, he was more and more put into contact with Core senators who tend to be unnerved by more, ah, carnivorous tendencies. And the more he was put into high level positions by virtue of being really frickin old, the more restrained he became in his public behavior. 

Decades passed and younglings who only ever knew his more ‘harmless-prank’ feral tendencies were increasingly shocked and scared to see him occasionally unhinge his jaw to eat a scrocodile whole. Some of the prey-origin younglings from that field trip actually avoided him for the rest of the their lives.

So. Yoda is still a carnivore- but- in private. With his padawans and his closest peers. But his closest peers age and die and his padawans get younger and smaller as the decades pass. He took on two herbivorous padawans in a row and as a result restrained himself from openly hunting with another soul for around for 50 years.

And then there’s Dooku. ‘Ah a human,’ he thinks. ‘They hunt sometimes. Well. They’re omnivores at least.’

And Dooku is- and I’m not saying this to shame Dooku- but he’s prissy. He likes...neatness. He’s not afraid of violence but force forbid it’s untidy. So when Yoda, excited to get his ambush predation on, takes 14 year old Dooku who’s barely ever left the sterile confines of Coruscant on a trip to a swamp world- yeaaahh it doesn’t go well. Dooku- he doesn’t mean to, honestly. How would he even know that Yoda might be sensitive about things? He’s Yoda. 

But Dooku sobbing openly and puking a little in a bush and running away from Yoda because his Master is terrifying and gross. It... kind of puts the nail in the coffin for Yoda being open about that side of himself. He doesn’t really have it in him to try again. People’s view of him is too fixed, they can’t handle him also being a flesh creature so he focuses on the luminous side of him which is and always was, genuinely, more important than him.

And that’s been the last 100 years or so. The thrill of a live kill is just a little piece of himself that he meditates away and that’s ok. He has the force. He has the order. He’s old anyway, a real hunt would probably hurt his joints. 

And then in comes Luke, radiating Light and earnestness and Jedi serenity while also holding out a very tasty looking live frog. And Yoda realizes Dooku’s not around, he’s surrounded by a council he trusts and respects and likes, none of whom are 14 year olds, all of whom have seen the galaxy and seen worse. He is almost seizing the moment but there’s a little part of him that shriveled up when Dooku cried that’s having a hard time accepting this.

“Want it for yourself, you do not?” Yoda cackles, playing off the offer.

Luke smiles sheepishly and pulls out another live frog. “I was saving it for later. Forgive me Master, your senses are keen as ever I see.”

And Yoda...it’s not about the bribe, really, so much as the symbolism, and it’s not about the flattery either, but darn is the kid really pulling out the stops to make himself likable. And he is a kid, to Yoda anyway. Everyone is these days. What does he care about numbers when there’s a boy smiling like his third padawan, an adorable Rodian who took great delight in their more amphibious and wild missions?

Yoda snatches one of the frogs and slowly raises it in a parody of a toast. Luke does the same. The rest of the council quietly watches in various shades of bewilderment and bemusement.

They’re not actually going to eat that right? Mace thinks. Ugh I hate frogs the skin is so slimy. Shaak Ti thinks. I cannot believe they’re not even offering me one. Yaddle thinks.

And Yoda bites the head off the frog in a quick snap of his jaws, the rest following rapidly. Luke does the same- a slight assist from the force helping his less specialized mandible tear through skin and bone in a well practiced move. He chews slower, but finishes the frog soon enough, the rest of the council looking on with deep uncertainty and a tiny bit of hunger, but no actual fear. They’re Jedi Masters; they’ve eaten everywhere, it’s just a little weird for a human to be eating a live animal and Yoda as far as anyone knew only ate stew and also they were in the middle of a council meeting.

Yoda belches and Luke smiles genially.

“Take you on as my padawan learner, I will. Much to learn you have, much to teach you, I do.”

Luke beams. The council looks on in shock. 

“Master Yoda,” Mace Windu says hesitantly, “He’s clearly in his late 20s, at the earliest. If this is about the... frog thing-”

“Was a pleasant surprise, the frog. The reason for my decision, it is not. Had some training already, he has. Know each other before this day, we do. Taking over for a Master passed into the force, I am merely. Our custom, this is.”

Luke bows lowly and an initiate is summoned to escort him to the quartermasters and then the long-empty padawan suite next to Yoda’s chambers. 

Qui-Gon and Anakin are brought in and. Well. It’s a little hard for them to simply reject the boy after Yoda just pulled that stunt. He’s sent to the initiates dorm, eventually. Mace Windu has a headache from the shatterpoints blinking in and out of existence. Shaak Ti is delighted to discuss a hunting trip with Master Yoda and his new padawan learner Luke Svader. 

The force dances.

[lysxandre-archived]

now for the blogging part 

this blog’s lysandre has a- i don’t know. a crush. on sycamore. but more intense. and more purposefully kept at a distance. 

he adores sycamore’s compassion toward pokemon, values the advice and direction that sycamore was able to give him very highly, and all around appreciates him as being one of the very few Good People. 

the fact that the protag is working with sycamore? fantastic. you, protag, are clearly someone special too if someone like him sees potential in you. 

here’s the kicker. 

he utterly believes people like sycamore, like diantha, and to a degree, the protag, are chosen, beneficial, and good for the world. 

but he’s fuckin’ ready to kill you anyway! 

and so it is the same with sycamore. sure, he may agonize about it. he might wish things could stay the same forever- that he could just love and be loved but that’s not happening for him because he’s going to KILL EVERYONE NOT IN TEAM FLARE. 

on this blog, i think lysandre would try his damnedest to make sure that sycamore DIDN’T find out about his intentions- 

he doesn’t want to remember sycamore as being disappointed, you see. it would break his heart. and then- he might try to stop him, and that... we can’t have that! 

no, he wants to remember sycamore as being the same as always. 

the same for diantha, honestly, though his fascination with her isn’t nearly as... romantically fueled?

the point is, it doesn’t matter how in love with the guy he is, he still intended to do the unthinkable, and that took precedence over everything else. 

so you know what? he doesn’t get to have that anymore. he knows he could never be with someone whose trust he shattered, after what he wanted to do, and after what he did do, lbr- 

he doesn’t deserve to pine over someone he was going to hurt as though nothing ever happened. he will. but he doesn’t deserve it. he doesn’t deserve a moment of sycamore’s time or forgiveness or a single feeling in return. 

...

i think i’m saying i’m inclined toward pre-weapon perfectworld and not post-weapon, and i play it as 100% one-sided with lysandre doing a lot to hide his malicious intent. because that’s realism for me i guess. 

that being said, this isn’t healthy or good for anyone and it’s creepy so feel free to be creeped out

because lys is a creep. 

[rose-of-pollux]

Quiz thing

Tagged by @belphegor1982​

When did you last sing to yourself?

This morning, and it was Queen’s “I Want it All.”

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

“What are my finches actually saying about me?”

Rest under the cut--

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Getting my master’s degree in biology/my thesis project on finch learning.

What is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Traveling in New York City with @ksturf​, seeing Anastasia on Broadway and catching 100 Unowns.

Do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Not really.  I want to publish a thing, though.

Do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I think so!

When did you last cry in front of another person?

Ummm... I honestly don’t remember.

Pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them

...Does the person have to be living?  My answer depends on that. XD

Would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

No, but it’s been my experience that strangers like opening up to me for some reason. *shrug emoji*

When was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

Back when I was doing my master’s, my procrastination habit had come back to bite me hard, and I had left a first draft of a term paper on crocodilian behavior til the night before it was due.  It was @ksturf​ who got to hear me screeching into the void at 3AM as I got the thing done (time zone differences made it not as bad for her).  That is the last time I ever stayed up that late.

(The kicker to this is that 1. I was one of two people who turned the first draft in on time, and 2. My professor said that it was “Such a wonderful first draft and very clear that I spent so much time and effort on it” that I didn’t need to revise it and would get an A on it.  Lesson learned: it’s easy to bluff your way through a term paper--even at 3AM--if it’s something that genuinely interests you)

What is your opinion on brown eyes?

...I love them.  And I would say that even if I didn’t have them myself--because ^he does.

Pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

"...I’ve enjoyed a lifetime of adventures around the world...” -- Robert Vaughn.

Honestly, it means so much to me--he lived such a full and fulfilling life, and if I even accomplish a fraction of the things he was able to do, that will be time well-spent.

What would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

The Life and Times of a Scatterbrained Writer

What would you do with one billion dollars?

Keep/save enough to live comfortably (maybe slightly frivolously--gotta have my Nintendo games and fandom merch), make sure my best friend also lives comfortably, some for my family, and give whatever we don’t need to those who do.

Are you a very forgiving person?  Do you like being this way?

Hahahaha... No, but I am very good at hiding it.  Should I be better?  Yeah.  Will I?  *shrugs*  Who knows...

Would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Pastel, I guess?

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings?  Explain

Tattoos aren’t for me, nor are piercings other than ears.  And I have such a low pain tolerance that I probably wouldn’t have gotten my ears pierced if my mother hadn’t had it done when I was a toddler (my mother was a traditionally-raised Hindu who had only emigrated to the States from India a few years prior, and toddlers getting their ears pierced is a tradition going back literally thousands of years; getting a nose piercing as a mark of adulthood is also a tradition going back thousands of years, but my response to that was a firm #NOPE, and that was the end of the conversation).

Do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Nooooooo, I hate it, I hate the way it feels on my face.

Talk about a song/band/musician/lyric that has affected your life in some way

So, Rockapella, Genesis, and Queen are three bands that I’ve known since childhood--in the case of Queen, I didn’t know it was them until I was much older (“We Will Rock You” was my hometown’s unofficial fight song for sporting events, so I’ve heard that song since elementary school--usually coupled with “We are the Champions”), and even then remained a casual fan until I watched Bohemian Rhapsody last year and just went headlong into loving them.  Freddie Mercury was an absolute legend, and finding out that he had ties to India like I did was an absolute thrill.

Rockapella were my first music loves--saw them on the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego game show, rediscovered them years later, and never left them again.  I’ve conversed with two of the Carmen-era members online, and met two others in person.

Genesis has been my musical fixed point, along with Bryan Adams.  I’ve just constantly been listening to them throughout my life.

The Monkees brought me to tumblr and subsequently led to my meeting people here that I’m still in touch with, even if I’ve drifted away from the fandom.

And Zach Adkins holds a special place for me, as well, seeing him as Dmitry in the Anastasia musical with @ksturf.

List the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel

So, I have seen Rockapella in concert 3 times, the Monkees twice, and a solo Nez concert once.

The Nez concert was in 2013, before the more recent... clouds covered the sun, shall we say?  I had a wonderful time at the time, and many good memories, and I feel awful that things have come to this--especially when a good portion of it seems to not be in Nez’s control at all.  It’s a dang shame, but I’ll cherish the memories I have.

The two Monkees concerts were in 2012 and 2014.  The 2012 “Gazpacho tour” was truly a remarkable thing--honestly, I don’t think anyone saw a tour coming after Davy had passed, and suddenly, here it was--and I remember the night before the official announcement, when Nez had teased us and everyone here was going absolutely bonkers over the possibility, before he broke the news before the official announcement.  And then, the concert itself... there was something magical that night, undoubtedly--Micky having us, the audience, sing Davy’s signature song, “Daydream Believer,” saying that it belonged to us now.  It was so sad and wonderful at the same time.  The 2014 tour had a more upbeat and celebratory feel to it, sort of the promise that the daydream was still alive.

The first two Rockapella concerts were before my Carmen Sandiego Renaissance; they just happened to be performing in my hometown twice, so I went to see them because “Oh, these guys!” (though only two of the guys from the Carmen era were actually still with the band).  I had a great time, but it was nothing like the third time, when I went because I had rediscovered how much they’d meant to me (and drove over an hour in a snowstorm to see them.  Abysmally foolish?  Yes.  Do I regret it?  Absolutely not).  The third time was also when I got to meet the two Carmen-era guys (and the new guys) after the concert, which was... more amazing than I can ever describe.

Who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I would have loved to have received a reply to the fan letter I had sent Robert Vaughn just two months before he had passed.  Obviously, I learned after the fact that he probably had been too sick to reply, but a reply I would have wanted would have been... just him knowing that he knew how much I admired him, and how much better he had made the world.

Do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organized/not organized?

Hahahahahaha, no.  I’m the most disorganized person in existence.  Any computer stuff I do on the couch.

What is your night time routine?

Dinner, toss around story ideas, make sure the finches are roosting/turn their light off, eventually sneak into bed as quietly as I can so as not to disturb the finches.

What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

How unhealthily I eat some days...

If you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Nooooo, I wouldn’t want to...

Pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

...I don’t do groups well; I’d just pick @ksturf and we’d go back to New York City.  Or maybe Hollywood this time, who knows?  Sightseeing and things--catch some Pokémon, too....

Name three wishes and why you wish for them

I wish:

I had enough money so that I and those I care about could live comfortably (self-explanatory)

That I could understand what birds were saying, and they could understand me (as someone who did a thesis on bird learning and behavior and has been trolled multiple times by multiple birds [including my own], I have personal questions I want answered).

That Robert Vaughn was still here (again... self-explanatory)

What is the best Halloween costume you have ever put together?  If none, make one up

I put together an awesome Carmen Sandiego costume in like... 2011?  Everyone knew exactly who I was.

What’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

...There are a lot of things I would never do for a million dollars.

What’s your Starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Dragonfruit refresher with lemonade.  @ksturf is the one I trust.

What is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Well, I just wrapped up my one-year position as a lab tech, so finding where I go from here is pretty much the biggest thing right now...

[tessatechaitea]

Justice League #32

It looks like Ethan initially drew Wonder Woman having a nip slip and it had to be corrected by an intern with a shitty pencil eraser.

To complete the Alice Cooper part, I added the Alice Cooper facial make-up and carried around the bloody, decapitated head of the white rabbit (a larger (stuffed animal!) rabbit than the one pictured. That one lived). Bonus picture: evidence of my problematic friend Soy Rakelson who I've mentioned numerous times on this blog! Just do a search for "Soy Rakelson" so you can enjoy some Soy stories!

Cyborg is thinking about teams because he needs to get his team, the Justice League, back together. When we last left them at the competent hands of Joshua Williamson (did that come across as an insult?), they had been split up and were each being attacked by a separate Batmonster from the Dark Multiverse. See?! That's why the Batmonsters are going to lose. Because they don't consider working as a team a positive. They each want to prove themselves as individuals and that's a weakness the Justice League will exploit! If the Batmonsters were smart, they would have just all gone to see Flash to make sure he died, then they'd go kill Green Lantern, and finally they'd move on to kill Wonder Woman. I didn't leave anybody of note out of that explanation because Superman and Batman are currently lost in the Dark Multiverse. The first battle that takes place is between Flash and Batflash. Batflash has built a Batflashmobile that runs on the Speed Force. That doesn't just mean it's really fast in the way a person reading a comic book about The Flash having a Flash car would think. No, it means it can do anything the plot demands of it. That's the power of the Speed Force! Man! Don't get me started on the Speed Force! I'll start myself on it! The Speed Force is what happens when comic books begin to take themselves too seriously and people began thinking about the real world implications of The Flash's power. If The Flash runs at such high speeds then that means he needs to think faster than everybody else as well. But if he can think and react that fast, how can anybody defeat him at all? What happens to his body when he runs at top speed? What if that top speed is the speed of light? What if it's faster? What about time travel? What about his clothing? What about how he can constantly communicate with people while running really fast? I think there were probably more concerns but I never read The Flash. I don't even actually know why the Speed Force came about. You probably shouldn't be using me as any kind of a trusted source in comic book knowledge. Just know that the Speed Force is capable of anything because something was needed to make a guy who could move faster than nearly anything in the universe less boring. Or at least seem kind of interesting in a cosmic way? Maybe that's why they also gave him a huge family. Some editor was all, "We thought it was just Barry that made this character boring! But it's the concept! Make Wally more interesting somehow! Let him fuck that hot reporter! And give him space kids! Or time travel children! Or something! And somebody figure out why his face doesn't melt off when he runs fast or what being struck by lightning has to do with being fast. I mean aside from bolts of lightning being incredibly fast. Are they fast? They are, right? Like instantaneous!" He had to ask that because this imaginary moment comes from a time before the Internet. At least a time before the useful Internet that wasn't mostly AOL chatrooms and Neverwinter Nights bankrupting nerds. Cyborg doesn't really know that The Flash is currently being rundown by multiple Flashmobiles inside a giant hourglass so he just keeps thinking about his football team analogy. He's all, "What if the running back can't run faster than the big fat defensive ends?! Then the team needs somebody who's angry!" That's when he starts thinking about Aquaman. Wait. That doesn't make sense. Shouldn't Cyborg think, "If the running back can't score, that's when the team must rely on the most boring player on the roster: the kicker!" Then the scene should shift to Aquaman.

Wouldn't all of sports be better without the guy who plays angry? I know the Justice League would! BROZINGA!

The Drowned turned Mera into a sea monster which somehow turns Aquaman's anger against the Justice League. That's not a confusing conclusion I came to. It's what Cyborg had to say about the angry player. Once the angry player is being used against you (like say, the super villain making fun of Aquaman and Batman snickering so that Aquaman turns on the Justice League screaming, "I know what you all think of me! I FUCKING KNOW!"), it's time for the next player! I hope he doesn't say it's time for the cheerleaders to get the crowd in the game and then start talking about Wonder Woman because I think that would be sexist. Also it's definitely something he won't say. Maybe he'll talk about how the defense will need to step up and then it'll be Green Lantern time. Wonder Woman is probably the halftime orange slices. Instead of continuing with the football metaphor, Cyborg decides to change things up. He says, "Anger can be useful. But the other team can turn it against you. Drag you into a dogfight. When that happens, you brawl." Wait. What? What kind of football do they play in Detroit high schools?! "If we can't run it into the end zone, let's get angry! And if our anger doesn't scare them into letting our running back into the end zone, let's kick their motherloving asses!" When Cyborg thinks of a brainless brawler, he, of course, thinks of Wonder Woman. That seems dumb. I know he wants to save the quarterback position for Batman but let's think this metaphor through. Wouldn't you want, as quarterback, the person who has the most experience on the field who has been trained by immortal football players who have spent all of their immortal lives training for the big game? Wonder Woman should either be the quarterback or the coach. But instead she's the enforcer? Which, you know, is a hockey term but what am I supposed to think? You don't brawl in football. Sometimes you brawl in hockey though! In football, one guy shoves another guy and then the other guy grabs the first guy's facemask and then a whole bunch of old white guys blow whistles and throw their underwear at them. I really don't understand football but I do jerk off to it sometimes. So every member of the home team is getting beat up. The game will be lost shortly unless the coach comes up with a plan. And what better plan when you've got a team than choosing one star player to win the day for you! Oh man! Venditti did the old double loop de loop trick shot on me! He was all, "This is about a team! And teams win by team efforts!" But then he's all, "No, no! Just kidding! It always comes down to the star player and you better believe Hal Jordan is the star player!" I'm not going to ask why Hal Jordan is even in this Metal series. Where are the newbies? It was probably explained earlier but how am I supposed to remember past issues! It's not like I've been rereading my previous commentaries to refresh my memories like I used to. Now I just approach each issue shrugging my shoulders and thinking, "I'll probably remember what was going on by about the sixth or seventh page." Actually, I probably should have read the rest of the issue before commenting on Green Lantern saving the day. Hal only gets one page because the other characters took too much time losing. Thankfully Hal only needs one page to lose (probably because he's the focus of the next chapter, it being in his comic book and all). After that, Cyborg points out that the team was never going to be able to win because the coach (Cyborg) has been compromised by the other team! Shocking twist! So in summary, Cyborg thinks football is won on speed, anger, hiring an ancient Amazonian warrior, and guts. I'm not sure he's as smart as DC wants us to think he is. Justice League #32 Rating: How many of you read that part about me "slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable" and thought, "Fuck you, you long-winded idiot! You've never had a thought that was less than three thousand words and six dick jokes!"?

[allthethingsiwishicouldtellyou]

Every day I write more and add to this, all I've done is thought about you and thought about us and cried. I know it's become an essay now but please take the time to read it, as I will yours when it comes. And I guess you can ask me whatever you want about what I wrote. I imagine you'll have felt different things and perceived your feelings differently to how I perceived what you have told me, but this is honest and this is how I feel right now and I feel like I've articulated everything that I want you to know in this message. For now I have hard raw feelings, and this message may be harsh, but it's honest and you always wanted me to be honest. One day these feelings will ease and I'll be happy again and I'll only remember all the good things and hopefully the hurt will have faded and maybe you'll play a positive role in my life again. I know things are different now and every day I wake up and I feel the difference deep down inside me. Firstly I feel I need to address this; How I loved you, the support I gave you, the friendship we had built, the relationship we shared, was because I was your girlfriend and under that girlfriend had was motivator, companion and lover was also best friend. I don't think you'll ever understand that we worked so well together was because we had so much more then just a friendship between us. Maybe because you say you've never had a best friend before or a relationship before, you couldn't distinguish the difference between the two because you didn't know that the two were. In my opinion, girlfriend and best friend are two different roles in someone's life. I just wish You could see that we evolved to where we were, the comfort between us and knowing that we had one another's backs, the ease, the trust, whilst we became best friends along the way it was because it was love even if you won't admit that to yourself. Well for me, it was because I really loved you and I can't say I've ever loved anyone before like I loved you. You dont want a relationship with me because you wont put in the effort and are in this illusion that in a few months time I'll be all good to be your best friend and only your best friend is hard for me to think about right now. I hate to say that but i can't put a date on when I'm going to be okay with being just friends. And if I am ever okay at just being friends or best friends even, you have to know that I'll be acting in a different way and I know you will be too. Best friends or even close friends don't call each other and talk or text to each other every day, they don't care this deeply about one another, they don't get jealous if the other one has a male or a female friend. I just don't think you know the distinction and how different a best friendship would be to a relationship. I think if I ever found out you were seeing someone who lived in Melbourne whilst you were still in Geelong that I'd find myself wanting to push them in front of a train, I know that is extreme and I'd never actually do it, but that would be nail in the coffin even if I had a boyfriend or a husband of my own then. What I want from you right now is more then a usual best friendship, and knowing I'll probably never have that again with you makes it hard for me to even think about being your friend. Maybe at one day I'll be at peace with what's happened, but for now it's really hard for me. Secondly; You were saying you're the one that's going to be lonely. That's unfair. You can't be the one to walk away from this and then say you're the biggest loser. I'm so lonely already, I've lost my best friend, my rock, my pep talker, someone who change my mood for the better in a few words, my favourite person. The person I wanted to make time for to see, that I'd work my ass off during the week to make time for. You walked away from me, and I know you've had people walk away from your life in the past so you know how it feels, and it's just shit to have that happen to you. I am loosing my best friend too in this collateral damage and whilst it seems like I have a big support network that I can turn to, none of them compare to you. In all this pain I'm feeling, you're still the only person I want to talk to. Everyone keeps trying to make me feel better but nothing changes, I just feel so empty. I was trying to give you every possibility to make it work, and one day I'll accept that it just wasn't enough to make the distance worthwhile. I cry at work, I cry at uni, I cry at home, in bed, when I'm trying to study, I cry in the car and I have to pull over. All I do is cry and even know I know it won't bring you back into my life how I want you to be, I can't stop myself from feeling so shit because I'm not worth the effort. We are both emotionally dependent on each other, I know I am and I think you'll realise how much you have been in the next few weeks when I'm not there for you to call about your work achievements or anything else that happens in your day. All I want to do is tell you about my day and why I'm stressed today and how work was and about stupid things like usual, but I know we don't have that anymore. Maybe I became too reliant on you, who knows. I'm going to be lonely and you will be lonely too. This situation is a lose-lose for the both of us. I just wish it didn't have to suck, I wish things were different and you could see that too. Thirdly, It kills me to think you told people we had some issues to work out when the issue was distance and you wouldn't even try and work it out with me. You just gave up, that's the most disappointing part. The facts were the facts and the distance was there, it wasn't easy but it wasn't impossible, the distance had always been there, but for me, it's not like we couldn't of made it work like we had for the months prior. Or at least tried to make it work with a bit more effort and then rationalise it to see if it was worthwhile after we tried to work on the distance when it had become a problem. You know I'm a problem solver and that I pride myself on making things work, and it kills me to think that you wouldn't try and solve the problem before calling it quits. It also kills me that you said things that were like "well if you were 30mins away it would of been different", of course it would of been, it would have been much easier I won't lie, but knowing in the mean time I couldn't be that 30mins away really shot me down. Ideally for me you'd live super locally too, but it just wasn't the case. I knew If you were local, I still wouldn't have seen you more then I saw you in Belmont. I loved coming to Geelong and going to the beach and spending time with you in your house, maybe more then you ever knew. It was an escape for me, things were great, I was laughing and with my favourite person. I tried not to resent the distance because I knew it was just there and I accepted it and that I liked you enough not to have override my emotions and leave me questioning if it was all worthwhile. You did let me down, because you stopped wanting to put in the effort to make it work and gave up on me, on us. Maybe you just couldn't do it any more, but I wish you had communicated that with me earlier before it got to this, so we could have talked about it and maybe had some action to change some things rather then just irrationally breaking up. Or maybe you just never wanted a girlfriend, I don't know. It's just cruel, the last 3 weeks of you trying to make up your mind were really cruel. I know you're confused with what you wanted, but Ive never felt so worthless in my life, I hope you know how I cried in front of you in the last week, was how I've cried for almost the last 3 weeks every single night at least now when I cry it'll be because I have a reason, you've broken me by disappointing me and made me lose my best friend and my boyfriend. At least it won't be because I feel like I'm in limbo pain which was almost as antagonising. I've let you hurt me twice now, even if the first time met nothing to you, it meant something to me and obviously I'm just dumb for being so stupid. When you've called it quits because you didn't think it was going to work and didn't even try and rectify it before you ended it. What's the real kicker, that you didn't believe in us enough to give it another chance, or make the effort to make things better for us both. I have to be honest and say maybe you're delusional to think we're going to be good mates anytime soon. That we will be able to sit and laugh together and travel together or just catch up for drinks as friends. That you get your decision one way and get to reduce the effort you put in and still will have me in your life and for me to be your best friend, for you to call me and text me when you want, but it's unfair for you to take the cake and eat it too. It was silly for me to let you become a huge priority when it feels that this relationship was only ever an option for you. I wish I could just rebound from this and be friends with you straight away, but I can't. I just want to see you and have you hold me and tell me stupid jokes and laugh with you. And I'm scared that I'll never be able to do that in the same way again even as friends because I'll never be able to forgive you for making me feel this way and for giving up on us. When I could call you my boyfriend, I used to think you were one of the best things that ever happened to me, and sometimes now I think you were the worst. Maybe that's a hard call, but if I had to put my feelings on a scale of 1-100 right now, 100 being the happiest I've ever been, and 0 being the saddest, I'd put myself right now at a 7. Our time in the US, where we had fun and looked after each other and didn't fight and just had a great time adventuring around, and laughing in each other's company, on that scale would be 90+easily. Fourthly, Your ideal situation is being best friends and catching up once a month to have drinks doesn't seem likely to me. The only way that would happen is if I was to find someone else and or to have my heart heal completely. Which won't bloody happen any time soon, I'm so emotionally scarred. I was scarred last time and I never moved on properly, I'll have to distance myself so much which hurts me to even think about the months ahead without you because I just don't want to. I want you in my life but I just can't have that can I? And plus when I do date someone else it'll be because they're my best friend. Because I'm the kind of girl who wants a relationship with their best friend, because that's the ideal situation for everyone. People don't date someone because they look good or smell nice, that might be how it starts, but they continue to date someone because they are good company and they make each other laugh and they become their best friend, because things are easy when they're together and they're fun. That person is their companion and their team mate. They put in effort for each other to make it work and make one another feel good. Ask anyone in a relationship and they will say their partner is their best friend. Ask Ashley, ask Matt ask Scottie they'll say Claudia and Stacey and T are their best friends, I'll put $1000 on it. As much as I don't want to, you will just be replaced and you doesn't realise that the relationship we've got now worked so well because you were my everything, my best friend and my boyfriend. My number one priority, well maybe number two just after uni. I won't lie, I was motivating myself to work so hard at uni, to do everything so I had the opportunity to go wherever I wanted for work, to do whatever I wanted to do. It was always in the back of my head that maybe I'll be finding a job in Geelong or the CBD easily if I pushed myself to be an all round great candidate for a law firm, so I could be closer to you, so that it closed the distance gap between us. I'm so scared about my career josh but I honestly all I wanted was you in my future because you motivated me and gave me so much confidence in everything that I was trying to achieve. Maybe it was just dumb and assumptions to have such a view of the future, but a girl has to think a relationship is going somewhere right. You either break up or get married, I guess I got the break up option with you. I shouldn't have hoped to put all my eggs in one basket, I should of known better really, I think I should of protected myself a bit better, but I didn't want anything to stop me from feeling love towards you, because the time we spent together, deserved that love. The support you've given me in the last 9 months is second to none and when I graduate I'll be thinking of you and how you've gotten me through so much and I'll owe a little bit of me getting through the JD to you. I have no one to call now at 3am when I'm crying and I feel alone and stressed with uni, because I will be alone and thats a fact I don't want to face. I can't thank you enough for helping me get through this course, I really can't. And it'll be something that I'll always remember you for, for picking up my calls and talking me through times when I'm emotional and just getting me through the days when I thought I couldn't do it. Some days those were even when we were together and I will never forget the comfort you had me feel. You really just made me feel good enough and smart enough and I'll always be thankful for that support. Finally, It feels to me like someone has died and something did die, and even if it wasn't a real person, it was aspirations and ideas and hopes for my future and it's the hardest thing to experience something you want so much being taken from you without a choice. Every day I've woken up for the last two weeks and I just wish you had woken up and realised that you've made a mistake, and that you're throwing this away for a reason that could be worked upon and that it was worth working upon. I'll stop hoping now, because you're firm on your decision and I should respect that as much as it's not what I wanted at all. It's hard because it's not like we can even have a halfway where both of us are happy. Its so hard to hear the distance was too testing for your feelings, it's so so hard. You taught me so much, and how to relax and how to take things slow if I needed the time to. You taught me not to compare myself to others even though I do and that sometimes just sitting next to someone and laughing is the cure for most things. I'll always cherish our trip away and the walks on the beach and eating take away in your car. I'm so happy we got to do the rooftop cinema together and have drinks and listen to the people singing karaoke at tonic bar and walk/bike the Golden Gate Bridge together. I have to say that the Golden Gate Bridge biking day had to be one of the best days of my entire life, and I've had a lot of good days but not much can trump that. I wanted to hike the you yangs with you so badly, now just thinking about them makes me sad. You made me laugh so much with all your dumb jokes and things were so easy between us. You made me strong and willing and you're so kind and funny and dumb and you just made me laugh so much and I always thought of you and beamed knowing you were mine. All your silly comments even if I wasn't laughing on the outside, I was giggling on the inside. All those moments we had together were worth all the struggle of the distance for me. I feel like I've just written an obituary. If for whatever reason, in two months time, set the alarm in your phone, when we've had this break and time apart, that you want to try again then and put in the effort to make it work like how I would be willing to, know that I'll always be open to that. If you don't, you don't and that's fine, in my head two months will be enough time apart to see how we are both feeling. Even if you think that in 2 years time you want to try again, and if I wasn't seeing someone, knowing how well we got on and how happy you made me, I'd probably still give this another go, as silly as that is. I promise that I won't think that you'll turn around and change your mind in the next two months, because I honestly think you won't and I'm going to keep telling myself you won't. If you've made these kind of decisions twice now to blame it on the distance, I don't see you ever changing your mind. But set the calendar alarm. I won't hold out hope for us every getting back together to a relationship, but I hope we can be talking a lot more then we are now by the time that alarm goes off anyway, I hope we are back to being friendly, but I'm just not sure how I'll go. I really want to be, I just need some of my own time I guess. I read this article last night, typical me just trying to get some reference to what was happening in my head. And if said that "The art of letting go isn’t about making all of their memories disappear, though. It’s about accepting that some parts will stick with you, but that’s okay". Maybe that's true. I don't know yet. I don't want to delete you off Facebook or Snapchat or delete your number, I still want you around even if it's just in cyberspace. No matter what happens, you'll always have a special place in my heart. But for the meanwhile, I'm just going to go on through this week and the next and get through all my exam next week and the other ones to follow and focus all my energy on myself and my study. I don't know when I'll talk to you next and I wish I could say it was tomorrow or in a few hours time or even in a few weeks but I just don't know. Because all I want to do is talk to you and I'm not sure if that's the best idea or not. I still want you in my life, please don't ever doubt that. I just know right now and how I've perceived things have left me really hurt, and honestly I don't think I've felt this way before and I'm not sure how long it will take me to feel better. I'm trying to keep myself busy and I guess focus on myself but it's hard you know, I feel like a big chunk of me is gone. Like we said when you were on the train and spoke on the phone, I just feel really empty and just sad, really sad, really hollow. You are an incredible person, and I know you'll mature well and do so well in your career. I know you'll get to where you want to be and I'm proud of you for getting a bit out of your comfort zone and working at nab. I know I've said it to you before, but I'm really lucky to have been able to spend the time that we had together with you. I don't think I'll ever forget one date we've been on or one activity we did, and I'll always remember that Westlake will never let me down when I want to eat in Chinatown. I hope along the line, we can still be in each other's future, somewhere, somehow. I know that one day soon I'll be able to admit that I couldn't do anything more as much as I felt I could, that it was the distance that made us breakdown and that you wouldn't put the effort in when times got tough. Everything you said still rings in my head, and I know it's not my fault, but for now it just still hurts me for now because I felt you could of tried harder and I felt like I was worth trying hard for and that our relationship was worth trying harder for. And that after all this time that I deserved to have you try for me. I know I'm worth trying for and I'm trying to keep that little bit of dignity with me because I feel like I lost a lot of dignity crying in front of you and just trying to win you back I guess. I know one day, whether it's you or someone else, they'll really try for me regardless of the situation and the distance and everything else going on and I'll be happy to do the same for them, because distance shouldn't mean anything if you really love someone, that's what my dad always told me and I believe him. He reminded me of that on Tuesday and I remember him telling me the exact same thing last time we stopped seeing each other and I believe it. As hurt as I am, I'm just disappointed that once again it seems like the distance has let us down. It was something that was manageable for so long because we both put in the effort, and wanted it until you over thought it. You then made a choice not to put in the effort the needed to make it work. You can blame it on distance all you like, but distance wouldn't matter if you had really been willing to put in the effort. That might seem harsh, but I feel it's somewhat true, and you may disagree because I guess everyone can only do their best in different situations and what I could do is obviously different to you. It just really hurts me to think that I'd go a million miles for someone I'd loved and appreciated and wanted to spend time with, but you just wouldn't do the same. A relationship shouldn't be measured in months or years, it's the calibre of the memories that matter. Their impact, their permanence and the degree to which they change you. The last 7 months included the greatest moments of my life, they were irreplaceable moments, perfect memories and so much fun. They will always be in my mind. You were so special to me and I know you always will be in whatever form our future takes. I just wish you could realise what we had was the real deal, I just wish right now that you would of tried to make it work for the short term, because in my mind, the long term looked amazing for us both, together. I felt like we had a lot more left in the tank and thats really disappointing. I just wish it was longer then 7 months, I really do.