#MLvulnerability

[measuringlife]

Measuring Me: Rock Bottom

June I think may forever be a triggering month for me. This week marked two years ago sick I hit rock bottom. Today at my Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting our reading was about rock bottom. I’ve experienced more than my fair share of lows, but never did I understand the hall consuming despair and spiraling that leads to hitting rock bottom.  

It feels both like yesterday and a lifetime ago. I was in such a dark and hopeless place. I wasn’t sleeping and I was crying non-stop = together that was a toxic mix especially when driving.  I remember after a long string of sleepless nights and hysterically crying while driving to work. I’m not proud to admit this, but there were moments that I *wished* in my overtired hysterics that I would lose control of the car and get into a car accident that would hospitalize me for a period of time. I didn’t know how to prioritize myself or set boundaries and I was *hoping* for some external force to step in.

Thankfully while in the throes of this time I had the wherewithal to know I needed some professional help and set up a meeting with the counselor through my employer’s employee assistance program. I actually had my first meeting with her on the last day of my major events season, it was a Tuesday. I survived 6 weeks of hell, that had had a 5 month build up of hell.  I don’t remember if I cried in that first meeting, I may not have had any tears left at that point.

Even in my fragile state we were able to cover enough to have her encourage me “go directly to ACA, do not pass go, do not collect $200.” It’s funny a few months before this meeting around the holidays I had learned that ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) even existed. I think I looked up if there were any local meetings - thinking surely there weren’t because somehow I would have known about them. I was wrong they existed. I found a meeting, less than 2 miles from my house on Wednesday night. A week and a day after that first meeting with the counselor I walked through the doors to this meeting - the reality was my soul limped in since like many other trauma survivors we are the walking wounded. I cried through most of the meeting, I think out of relief. I finally felt like I fit somewhere and this sense of calm washed over me.

Bit by bit clawed towards the daylight while healing myself in the process. Last June, I got myself a life coach and joined his group coaching program. I was forced to dig deep, in a way that ACA never pressured me to dig, but as I’ve now learned you need to “feel it, to heal it.” As whole as I felt last June, I’m thrilled that this year I am not just surviving, but I am thriving. My boundaries, my self care, my recovery, my relationships, my finances, my fitness, my writing, my time management, my goals, my purpose...they are all the best they’ve ever been and all at the same time. If things can go from not just good to great, but okay to great in a year then I’m sure as hell curious where I’ll be from great by this time next year.

I’ve always loved the notion of a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Other quotes that I clinged to during the burning were “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” and “If you are going through hell keep on going.” Finally, I hated to cling to was “It’s not happening to me, it’s happening for me.” As mentioned I didn’t classify how I felt 2 years ago as suicidal, but I sure as hell wasn’t well. I would be remiss not to add - if you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text “home” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you haven’t heard this song about suicide and the lifeline from Logic I highly encourage you to check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb24RrHIbFk

[measuringlife]

Measuring Me: Weighty Issues

Weight is such an interesting thing. As someone who weighed upwards of 225 pounds at one point in my life, there was something so magical about reaching a healthy BMI. I remember in like 7th grade stepping on a scale in a store and it read 175, I had no idea what that meant. Well aside from always getting a lecture at the pediatrician about my weight, cholesterol, other blood work. AKA more things that I had no real idea about. It wasn’t until my 2010 weight loss journey at age 26 that I started to learn.

For so long I fantasized about reaching 169 pounds, that was 24.9 on the BMI scale which was the very top of the healthy range. I got as close as 174 back in 2010 and 2012. My body seemed to really like being 190 for years. Which I accepted, somehow finding “comfort” that “at least it was 200 pounds.

Last summer I finally saw the 170s after 6 months of being back on Weight Watchers and a solid fitness routine. Earlier this year I saw the 160s for the first time ever. I hit my goal of 169 prior to my March 31 “deadline.” It’s funny how the numbers really don’t tell the whole story. I thought I’d look like a different person at 169 pounds, but I don’t I’m still me albeit leaner. Seeing 169 didn’t flip a switch it’s been all the habit changes that have changed me. I carry myself differently, I dress a little differently, I’m more toned, I find other things to occupy myself besides food. Although I hit this goal weight, it’s not my goal body yet. I’m not quite sure what that body will look like, but I know how hard I’m working and how strong I am and how much stronger I am capable of getting.

At 5’9.5 inches tall the internet tells me the low 150s is an ideal weight for me. So I’ve sort of settled on a new target weight - which I like better than goal weight, but a target can be changed. My new target weight is 154 pounds. This would mean I would have lost exactly 50 pounds since first joining Weight Watchers in February 2017 and 42.5 pounds since I fully committed to this journey on December 28, 2017. Overall that will have me a 68.8 pounds lost since I started Measuring Life in January 2010. 70 pounds lost feels INSANE, like unimaginable, but as of today I’m 166.6 pounds which means I’m down 56 pounds overall!

I often think about meeting my friend KO back in fall 2010 early into my journey and running career. I was introduced to this tall thin blonde woman who I was told is also a runner - in fact, she was training for a marathon at the time. I remember thinking oh great I have to share running stats with this skinny lean chick who could run circles around me. I later learned KO had lost 100 pounds years before I met her. Looking back I hated myself for judging her, but I smile at thinking well that’s gotta be an NSV right there - someone envying your body and ability at first glance.

I look forward to the people in my life “who couldn’t imagine me at 200+ pounds,” but I also greatly appreciate the support I’ve received along the way on this journey. Once I hit whatever weight, the real test will be maintaining it. Very curious about that leg of things, however I know I’ve learned so much about nutrition and fitness over the years. I have lost this weight (and gained it back sometimes to lost it again) slowly over time, so I feel more confident about keeping it off forever.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Me: A Brief History of Measuring Life

This past week was my Measuring Life Instagram 1 year anniversary! This past week was also the 9 year anniversary of my Measuring Life Tumblr account. I had started Measuring Life in January 2010 on Blogspot, but then quickly found the “fitblr” community on Tumblr so I decided to most all the posts from my first few months.

When I created my Blogspot I was doing it JUST for me, as a place to track my progress in a “public” way, however, I didn’t tell anyone about the page. Through some friends who were on a more public health and fitness journey in early 2010 I learned about the fitblr community on Tumblr. 2009-2011 were really the heyday of the fitblr community. Through Tumblr I was lead to tons of super useful resources related to fitness and nutrition and also learned about the posting culture like Transformation Tuesday, Weigh in Wednesday, Face to Face Friday and more. I was also introduced to things like Non-Scale Victories (NSV) or terms like Fitspo (fitness inspiration).

It was through Tumblr that I realized the power of community and what important piece of the weight loss/fitness puzzle that community was. Not only did I have a place of accountability, but I had people rooting for me and I was rooting for other people. Almost all of my Tumblr friends were people I didn’t know in real life and I found some “safety” in that. These fitblr strangers quickly became friends and over the years I’ve built real friends with them IRL (in real life). Most notably running a Ragnar with fitblr friends, multiple NYC and DC meal meet-ups, and attending the wedding in Chicago of a friend I met through Tumblr.

However early into my Tumblr journey I still didn’t post pictures of my face and kept my blog fairly anonymous. Looking back I was afraid of people judged and afraid of failing. I think that is largely why I didn’t tell my IRL friends about my Tumblr. People could SEE that I was losing weight, so I don’t know why I was so ashamed (?) about owning the fact that I was trying to get in better shape and healthier. Ashamed sounds harsh, but at the same time, I think it was accurate. I tried to wear my weight confidently although I definitely had low self-esteem and body image issues. Looking back now, I think perhaps had I publicly announced my weight loss journey it would have felt to me like I was declaring that I wasn’t happy with my body - which was true - but it would have made my already fragile self feel too damn vulnerable.  

There were times over the years that I thought about sharing my Tumblr with people, however, as most weight loss and fitness journeys go the past 9 years have been filled with two steps forward and one step back as well as falling off the wagon and getting back on time and time again. I think every time I was feeling good and ready to share my journey I’d lose momentum and then didn’t feel confident enough to share my Tumblr.

Last year at the start of 2018 I got recommitted to my weight loss and fitness journey. I took weight watchers tracking seriously, I made it a point to work out 5x a week, take vitamins and more. 5 months into this chapter, May of last year, I was feeling really good about my progress and in an act of 1AM clarity, I decided to make an Instagram and Facebook page for Measuring Life. Tumblr is sadly a shell of its former self and I knew that I needed a community of support to help me stay motivated. I had followed a number of weight loss/fitness Instagram accounts and already had a personal account since 2013 so I knew that was what I wanted as my main platform. However, I also know that if I ever want to monetize Measuring Life in some way that I should grab all the social media handles and buy a website domain. So last May I did just that.

It took sometime before I started personally inviting some IRL friends to my Measuring Life accounts. The response I got from those friends was so lovely and supportive. I had been working with my friend A on a logo for a couple of months in 2018 and I was ready to debut it once 2019 rolled in. January 2019 was also when I posted on my personal Instagram about my Measuring Life account. My Facebook page still feels too public, whereas people I am actually friends with follow my personal Instagram account. However, I hope to continue to put myself out there and share Measuring Life with more people. One of my bestie C started a fertility journey/new motherhood blog that she has been share more and more widely, I’m definitely inspired by her willingness to put it out there and “let it all hang out!”

Where Measuring Life goes is still to be seen. Nothing about my journey has been an “overnight transformation” which is what the internet loves. I’ve been slow and unsteady for years upon years. Plus for me Measuring Life isn’t just about my weight and fitness, it’s about my mental health, my relationships, my financial journey, and more. So needless to say my “brand is diluted,” which can be problematic. However, I still come back to the quote from Tom Rath, “if you measure it, you can manage it.” I think that’s the real point of Measuring Life. If you don’t know what you are working it and track the trajectory, then there is no way to change anything aside from dumb luck.

So here’s to another year of Measuring Life, looking forward to the next chapter. If you think someone can be inspired or motivated by my journey please feel free to share my account, like I said community is key when it comes to my success patterns and I believe that’s true for most of us. I’m here to follow and cheer you on right back!

[measuringlife]

Measuring Me: Intimidation

For a long time, I was quite proud that people found me “intimidating.” In fact, I embraced and really leaned into it. I used my 5’9.5” height, my New York pace, Long Island accent, and direct nature to my advantage, or so I thought. I liked my walls, they kept me safe and reduced the chances of getting hurt more than I already was.  

This really was the case during the years I lived in Texas and Alabama between the ages of  23-28. To most folks I worked with/socialized with/interacted it I was “unique” - I freaking loathe that word, yet it was one that people always said about me. In those southern passive-aggressive ways, it was clearly made known to me that I was an “other” and that I didn’t “fit in.” So instead of trying to fit or get rejected by people I intentionally rubbed against the grain. One of my favorite acts of defiance was when I dyed my hair black and had purple and blue streaks in it. It was really pretty I must say, but not a hair choice often made in eastern Alabama. I gotta say may local hairdresser did love the opportunity to “play.”

I knew that getting some people to like me would be hard and out of my control, but what was in my control was to intimidate people. If I couldn’t get you to like me I could get you to fear me, it seemed like a safer bet. Some of my go-to trauma response is to control situations, or in this case, control the narrative. I’d rather tell myself my social life or love life wasn’t blossoming in the south because I was intimidating. While at the same time keeping people at arm’s length which was also a favorite pastime - and one I still sometimes struggle with at times.

I did enjoy my time in Alabama, but socially there was a lot to be desired. Thankfully I found some other “misfits” in the form of my improv comedy group “What the Fox?!”. We were quite a motley crew, some of our members were makeup artists, tattoo artists, English professors, newspaper journalists and more. These friends led me to other professor and photographer friends who made my remaining time in Alabama enjoyable and I still love keeping up with them and the fabulous twists and turns of their lives. These were the people that let me be my true self. Improv comedy is based in truth and rawness, bullshitting isn’t going to work. I think a big part of my self-acceptance came from the acceptance I found in this group after feeling like such a lone ranger or odd duck for so many years.

I know regardless of my intention some people will find me intimidating. I’m tall, loud, confident and driven, but I’m not making any apologies for it. What I do try to do is break the ice, be the person who introduces myself with a smile first, sets up a coffee break with someone at work. I do wish I could come off as more approachable, but I think if someone is going to let my Long Island accent and bold earring choices intimidate them then that’s their own issue. I’ve been striving to be authentic my whole life and I feel like I’m finally getting close. I am a strong successful woman who also values relationships - both new and old, - who enjoys expressing myself creatively as much as possible, especially through my earrings or hair color!

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Animal Lover

Inspired by all my pet sitting, here is my free-write about being an animal lover

I just passed my 6-month mark of my pet sitting side hustle. I sit through Rover and now also independently due to repeat clients and referrals. My friend AY(I really have a lot of friends with A names) I think first mentioned Rover to me because she asked me to watch her senior pup and said something about “usual Rover sitter” or something. So back in the fall I checked in on her little girl, taking her for walks, making sure she had food and water, and also gave her some attention. From there I decided to look into Rover, then set up an account, had some pet owner friends write some references/recommendations for me and then I was off. I think I had the profile up for like a week or so before I got my first request. I set up a meet and greet with the owner and pets and then I was off to the races! I have to say I have bonded with 90% of clients and genuinely get sad to say goodbye to them. Thankfully most of my clients are repeat clients so I get to build a great relationship with these pets. I sit mostly for dogs or dog owners who also have a cat, however lately I’ve had a few cat only clients and they’ve all been great too.

Pet sitting has proven to be a lucrative side hustle. As a high strung dog mom I get it, Freddie is old, extremely particular, and is now on 4 different pills a day taken at 3 different intervals. The whole pet market has exploded thanks to Millenials who are opting for pets over children like me. People want the best for their family and Freddie is my family and 90% of the pets I sit for rule the roost much like Fred. I get satisfaction both in spending the time with the animals, but also knowing that I am giving comfort and peace of mind to the owner.

I do have to say I’m still surprised that I am such a good dog mom/pet lover because I certainly grew up in a home where pets were things, not family members. I won’t say the animals in my home were neglected, but they were not given a life that I would want any animal I own to have. They were often in crates or tied up, not groomed often, or taken to the vet regularly. I remember as a child feeling very torn about how to treat the animals. I wanted nothing more than to have a dog sleep in my bed, but my mother wouldn’t have it. I wanted to take the dogs out for walks, but my mom didn’t want me outside by myself with them. So when it came down to it, at the time the pets weren’t worth causing drama with my mom.

I’ve had my childhood pets on my mind and in my heart lately, especially when I see how I am so capable of loving all dogs and cats - as much as Freddie is the chosen one, I also sort of thought maybe I only loved him so hard because I got him when I was so young and so soon after my dad died, but I see how I am capable of loving animals period. In my Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting last week, during my share I had planned to talk about what I just wrote, but in that moment I also made the connection that as a child I could recognize the poor care or lack of care our pets got, especially our two little girl dogs, but it wasn’t until that moment that I realized that our two girl dogs were living a parallel life to my sister and me. As a child I saw the dogs weren’t cared for properly, but I wasn’t able to recognize that my sister and I weren’t cared for properly either. That was a huge A-HA moment and will hopefully help me push through continued denial or minimizing of how I grew up.

My sister and I at least got out of my mom’s house unlike those pets who all lived extremely long lives. Skippy, a miniature poodle, my parents got before I was born and he died when I was in 3rd grade lived to be 17.  Our cat, Amber, who we got a year or so after Skippy died lived to be like 21. When I got a little older we got two Maltese, Molly and a year later we got Beeper. They lived to be ~16 and ~13 respectively. I gotta tell you if nothing else, growing up like we all did in that house did anything for us,  it made us resilient AF. These pets also learned to thrive in adversity. I hope to see these childhood pets across the rainbow bridge one day and we can have a good hug and cry together. Until then I will love and cherish any and all animals in my care.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday Post

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Measuring Monday: Facing Fear

If you have a Hulu subscription and 98 minutes, I can’t recommend watching “Free Solo,” enough. It’s the Oscar-winning documentary about free solo (rocking climbing without ropes) climber Alex Honnold. I was vaguely familiar with this story, but watching his meticulous planning and approach to climbing El Cap was so inspiring. He was systematic, focused, had a support network/tribe, and wasn’t afraid. A key message throughout the doc was “do it until it’s not scary anymore.” I also loved the comparison a fellow climber made about the discipline, training, focus, and skills to free solo El Cap - imagine a gold medal worthy Olympic performance and how Alex’s option was to win the gold or die.

I came across a great Forbes article from earlier this month titled, “The Seven Lessons From “Free Solo” on Working Without a Rope”, the 7 lessons were:

The accomplishment is more preparation than performance

Know the terrain

Control the risks you can: anticipate the risks you can’t

Turn around when it’s not right

Seek mastery, not luck

Practice creates confidence

There are no “hacks”

I learned lesson 1 through marathon training. I ran a near perfect (to me) marathon in 5:04, after a serious training cycle. My second marathon I under-prepared and I willed myself to the finish dragging my sister along in 5: 28, but my third marathon I trained hard. However I knew it was going to be a tough race due to injury and 15 extra pounds of weight I was carrying since my last marathons, I finished in 5:45. As much as you focus on 26.2 miles it’s important to remember and celebrate the hundreds of miles you ran getting you to that start line. This notion holds true is all types of situations.

Know the terrain is an interesting one. Over the last year since I initially began to seriously toy with a career change/life transition, I knew I needed to really explore as much as I could before making any decisions. I started writing more, worked with a life coach, get certified in BODYPUMP, work as a fitness instructor, teach an Urban Hiking class, study my weight watchers leaders/meetings, absorb as much inspirational and aspirational health/wellness/fitness content in all forms as possible. If I am going to leap I want to know where I’m headed as well as I can.

I love lesson 3, I say it all the time - especially at my day job. I am a broken record of saying “control the control-ables” and “do your future self a favor.” I’ve come to realize how my strategic thinking skills are kinda like a superpower. I thought everyone had them, but I can just see the domino effect or the decision trees so clearly with most things. What can I avoid and what can I anticipate. Part of my anticipation skills at work has been to log and collect data that I know will be useful in the future or create documents are well labeled and put in folders where I can find them later so I can retool and send out when they are needed in a moment’s notice. I also write meeting agendas and send them 24 hours before the meeting because who knows what the next day will look like and I’d rather get it done. Any spare time I have each day at work I use 50% of it to chill for a moment and 50% of it to start tackling future projects or items that will likely be useful in the future.

Turn around when it’s not right, this is a lesson that has bitten me in the ass multiple times. Too often my ego or stubborn nature get in the way of my bailing on something or someone. I’m working on this daily. I think part of this life/career shift is to turn around from this life of a 9-5 in the same field for my whole career. My creativity is stifled and the more I head toward the light of change the more freedom I feel.

I can fully relate to practice create confidences to lesson 1 also, but faking it until you make it can only take you so far. Confidence comes from preparedness, learning, being mentored/supported, and building on smaller successes. I relied on bravado for a long time, but it’s nowhere near as powerful as confidence. When you KNOW something with every fiber of your being it’s a force to be reckoned with.

I didn’t skip lesson 5, but I tied in better with lesson 7. I’m not a lucky person, but I’ve always relied on mastery. I am getting something because of the blood, sweat, and tears I put into it. Which ties into the fact that there are no life hacks to excellence. What you put into it you will get out of it and hopefully even more. But even if it’s an exact return on investment I still think that’s worthy. Honnald said in a TED talk when asked about any hacks was “What is the thing that’s worth putting in the work for you? What is the thing that’s most important to you?” He went on to say, “Baked into that is an appreciation for the hard work and the level to which you’ve completely devoted yourself to the pursuit.” First, you need to examine yourself, your wants, your dreams, and aspirations. Then you go after it, no holds barred!

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Full House

While in San Francisco over the weekend I FINALLY got to visit the Painted Ladies, Alamo Square Park, and the Full House house. People were surprised to learn I had never been to San Fran before, some friends were like are you sure, I thought I’ve seen pictures of you there?! I have been tagged in SF pictures many times over, but that’s because so many friends have tagged me in pictures of the Painted Ladies over the years because of my reputation for being a Full House superfan.

I was particularly known for my love of Full House in college. When I was a head orientation leader I was able to name my own group. Each year orientation had a theme and the orientation groups had names that related to the theme as opposed to group numbers. My senior year we had a music/bands theme and as a head leader I chose “Jesse and the Rippers” as my group name! That summer my bestie S got me an “I heart Uncle Jesse” t-shirt which has a crudely “photoshopped” picture of John Stamos in the heart. You have to recall this was 2004 and buying things on the internet and photoshop weren’t really common. I cried when I got it. Later that summer a gift I got from the orientation team was a Uncle Jesse doll that they bought off of E-Bay. I still wear the shirt from time to time and the Uncle Jesse doll is currently on display in my living room.

I remember watching Full House from when I was a little kid on TGIF and then when it moved to Tuesdays. The first Tuesday episode was when Stephanie was a pitcher on a little league baseball team and liked a boy named Brett on the other team who wanted her to pitch easy to him so he’s score and impress his Dad. He even drew a heart with her initials in it on his bat. Not even a top 20 favorite episode, but I know them all. My favorite episode is season 4 episode one, Greek Week when Uncle Jesse’s family comes to visit from Greece. So many hilarious moments and lines, but DJ getting married by walking around the kitchen table 3 times and Danny being horrified is everything. I also love DJ’s 13th birthday episode or when Stephanie and DJ punch a hole in Danny’s bedroom as well as the well-known episodes of when Stephanie drives the car through the kitchen or DJ and Kimmy go to junior high and experiment with makeup and clothes. It goes without saying I also love ANY and EVERY episode that features Uncle Jesse singing.

I remember being so sad when it was suddenly cancelled without much warning. Thankfully it’s been in syndication before it even went off the air. I have the entire series on DVD, I got them as each of them were released back in the early 2000s. Now I have them at my fingertips through streaming services and don’t even get me started on Fuller House which I also adore.

I love the wholesome cheesiness of Full House. Full House was my escape as a child. Now it also makes me back to a more innocent time. The character I most identified with was DJ, classic oldest child over-achiever who was trying to navigate puberty. I am clearly had (and still do) a crush on Uncle Jesse.  Full House was generally upbeat, but the premise is about a young family who is rocked by the tragedy of losing the mother in a car accident. Moments throughout the series is tinged with the reality of that los, but generally it was not spoken about. However maybe as a child growing up in a dysfunctional family watching the show I was more aware of the what was unsaid or unspoken since I was all too familiar with the reality of loud silences. I also observe the same thing while watching Fuller House where DJ’s husband died as a firefighter as she leans on Stephanie and Kimmy to raise her 3 boys.

The Full House house set is epic. I loved all the staircases and that swinging kitchen door. The room DJ and Stephanie shared, especially in early seasons that decor was so perfectly 80s. I always loved the Full House kitchen, but in Fuller House it was updated and wow! That kitchen is my dream kitchen from the layout to all the entrances and exits.

Getting to see the Painted Ladies from Alamo Square Park where the Tanner family picnics in the opening credits was surreal. We also went about 1.5 miles away to Broderick Street to see the house used as the Tanner family house in the exterior shots. Sadly it was under renovation and mostly tented, but the house next door was essentially it’s twin so I felt good about it. I’m so glad I was able to mark this off my bucket list!

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Journaling

If memory serves me correctly I started my first journal in January 1997. I was gifted one for Christmas 1996 and started it on January 1, 1997. 1997 was a big year. It was the year I was graduated from grammar/elementary school where I spent grades 1-8. The year started at an all-girls high school. It was the year we got a home computer and AOL. It was also the last year my family all lived together in one house.

I remember writing nightly for a number of years. I think around senior year of high school (2000-2001) my writing waned and I didn’t start writing again until the beginning of my second year of college (2002). I wrote often and kept up with it for YEARS. Books and books and books of journals filled with my horrendous chicken scratch handwriting. I also notoriously wrote the names of the boys (celebrity and real life) that I had crushes on in the inside covers of my journals. I also have made it a happen to write a closing diary entry on the last page of the journal thanking the book for being there and for listening.

As I mentioned here in 2006 I started blogging, however, from 2006-2010 my blogging was secondary to my journaling. However in 2010 when I started my Measuring Life tumblr my journal became secondary to my tumblr.  

Over the years I found that I was really only writing in my journal for the high highs and low lows. After a string of lows during mid-2017 I was done with journaling. A place I once found sacred only triggered me.  I was only about 2/3s through the journal, but I knew that there was too much negativity in there, too many memories of sobbing as I wrote. I wanted to get back to writing, but I wasn’t sure if I could commit to it. I thought about it again around the start of 2018, but I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t until Lent rolled around that I decided I could commit for the 40 days of Lent to journal. In recent years I’ve used Lent as a season to add positive habits into myself as opposed to sacrifice - I’m pretty sure Jesus is cool with it either way. Anyway, in 2018, Lent started on Valentines Day and I wrote my old journal despite it only being ⅔ used a traditional thank you entry. From there I closed out that journal that was filled with things I’d rather not read anytime soon. I cracked open a new journal and committed to writing a single page every day. One page felt manageable. Each day I wrote and each day I remembered how special this practice is for me. After successfully writing daily for those 40 days I loosened up because I felt like habit was back.

These days I aim to write about 2 times a week, sometimes I write more often, sometimes less often. I’m actually already on journal number two of the reset. I actually made it a point to buy journals with fewer pages so I could close out chapters a bit more quickly. I was so pleased when a year of journaling regularly passed. I feel like I’ve kept a good balance between what I journal, what I post on instagram regularly and what I save for these Measuring Monday posts.

As I’ve also mentioned I’ve been using a Passion Planner for 2019 and there are prompts to reflect each month and each quarter of the year, in addition to all the goal setting pages at the start of the year and another goal setting check in mid-year. Even the WW (formerly Weight Watchers) books now have space for reflective writing, I love it. I’m excited to see how I end up using these 22+ years of writing to help cohesively tell my story. I generally enjoyed the fragmented nature of microblogging, perhaps because it feels safer and I feel less vulnerable. However over these last 9 months or so I’ve really pushed myself to put it all out there and it’s been scary and rewarding as hell! I look forward to continuing to own my story and hopefully inspire others!

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday free write is up on my official blog

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My bestie C unexpectedly lost her Dad a year ago today. I was her first phone call after she heard from her mom. It was awful and gut-wrenching to hear your friend in so much pain and to have known and loved her Dad. 10 years prior I made a similar hysterical phone call after I heard about my Dad’s passing and I’m so happy I was able to be there emotionally and later physically by flying up for services. . The club really sucks, but it binds you with people in new ways. Much love to all my brothers and sisters out there who have lost a parent, especially the daughters who lost their fathers. . Thunder Cat (my special nickname for C’s Dad) was such a big man in every way - big heart, big personality, big love of breakfast, big charmer, big comedian, and big beer bellied! Lots of people are missing you today, but I hope all our beloved dead Dads are in a club of their own shining down on us!

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Adult Child

18 months ago this week I went to my first ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meeting. My success in this program helped give me the strength to handle a long weekend at home for my Grandmother’s funeral services. I only learned about ACA in December 2016 from a book, about 6 months before I started attending meetings at an early suggestion of a counselor I was seeing to deal with my workaholism. The book Perfect Daughters is about adult daughters of alcoholics which was the first time I even heard of  the term “adult children.” In reading that book I learned that less than 20% of children grow up in a household where only the mother is the alcoholic. Alcoholic fathers are most common followed by homes where both parents are alcoholics. It was only in late 2016 that I was able to even verbalize that my mother is an alcoholic - also common for daughters in situations like mine to be in denial about it or make excuses for their alcoholic mother.

There was no denying that my mom is not well, but she has a lot of problems from OCD to agoraphobia to suspected borderline personality disorder and narcissism so it was hard to bring myself to name any of them. However in late April 2016 on a Friday afternoon, my mom left my sister and I each a “goodbye” voicemail. I called 911 for police to make a welfare check and my sister headed to Long Island from NYC with her boss not knowing what they would find. There’s no telling how serious her attempt was, she was assessed by paramedics, but refused transport. Essentially she was very drunk and took some pills. She has no recollection of the attempt and refuses to accept it was as traumatizing as it was for us, especially my sister. My sister drew a line in the sand that day, but I still took on more of her abuse and added to my self-abuse through workaholism.

Over the last 18 months through attending meetings and working the steps of ACA I’ve set boundaries with my mom. One of our guiding principles is our take on the Serenity prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage the change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me." I no longer stay at mom’s house when I’m in NY - I stay with other family or get a hotel. I decide how I want to spend a holiday as opposed to feeling guilted or obligated to be there which is often at my own detriment. I requested we set up weekly calls which helps me mentally and emotionally prepare for a call as opposed to her previous cold calls at odd hours. I do my best to be nice to her and remind myself she is not well, but she also hasn’t been for a long time and refuses to help herself. The worst part of every interaction with my mom is still the not knowing. Am I getting Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde? This trip to NY for my Grandmother’s services was fairly tame and I had my fiance with me as a human shield. We drove her to the church, took her to lunch, and our for a few errands. Lots of small talk and pleasantries, but I guess it’s better than yelling or crying. I’m not sure how the next few days and weeks will play out. Will she find relief from no longer being under my grandmother’s control or will things be bleaker? Either way I am working to release myself from any sense of responsibility to fix things, please her, or be perfect. To quote one of my favorite John Mayer lyrics, “I’m in repair, I’m not together, but I’m getting there.”

Note: Note my 20% stat is of children in alcoholic homes only 20% only have an alcoholic mother. Estimates are that ~45% of the population have been exposed to familial alcohol abuse and more than half of those are children.

[measuringlife]

I read this at my Grandmother’s funeral mass. It’s a popular funeral reading, I remember it was read at my Dad’s funeral mass too. They are wonderful and comforting words that were also used in the song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by The Byrds. . The beauty of life is how true these words are.

[measuringlife]

My grandma passed away yesterday at age 90 after quite a few years of failing health. This picture is from my grad school graduation in 2007.

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We weren’t particularly close, but she was smart, very educated, belly danced as a hobby (even into her 60s), and taught me to curse in Slovak. But she was a very broken person for reasons she never shared or maybe fully explored, but it manifested itself in many ways. She never said please or thank you, instead she barked orders. She also was one to always remind people that they could lose some weight or had put on a few pounds. She was very critical of how her family did in school and was never satisfied with anything less than an A.

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However she was my last surviving grandparent. My dad’s dad died when I was a baby and his mom died in 2001. My mom’s dad died in 1995. She was my mom’s mom and the long reigning family “matriarch.” She was the oldest of 4 sisters and lived longer than all of them. She has 2 daughters and each of her daughters has 2 daughters. However there’s also a long history of emotionally abusive mother daughter relationships which has lead to a very splintered and dysfunctional sorority of sorts.

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My fiancé and I are heading up to New York for services which is going to be explosive I’m sure. I’m using this long car ride to prepare mentally. I hope I can get through the weekend relatively unscathed, but I don’t think I’m that lucky. I’m thankful for all the work I’ve done on myself the past 18 months particularly around my mom’s alcoholism and I have the supports to help me process things after this weekend. Thoughts are appreciated.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Holidays from Hell

Maybe I’m not a big holiday person because holidays equate with families and I’m not really a family person. Yes, I know (and believe) family can mean many different things, but when it comes to holidays that’s generally the blood-related family time. I saw some of my family at Thanksgiving so we’re staying local for Christmas and we’ll spend tomorrow with my fiance’s family. Most of my holiday memories involve yelling, feeling uncomfortable, and that feeling of sitting on pins and needles. I’ve long established that my mom is a terror, but so is her sister and their mother. The holidays for a long whole meant bringing all 3 of them together and it was just horrific, carnage everywhere.

The mental and emotional trauma of these days will never really be something I think I can totally heal from. From little things like being forced to eat fish on Christmas Eve at my grandmother’s house before we could open presents to explosive fights over stuffing at Thanksgiving that resulted in my mom kicking my Aunt and her family out of the house before dinner and then her throwing most of the food she made away while my sister, Dad and I just sat shell-shocked and yet not totally surprised. My “traditional”  holiday task since I turned 18 has been buying my mom cigarettes - Capri ultralights. Mom never lets me drive her car, except to buy her cigarettes. One year I found a local Turkey Trot a few towns over and wanted to run it with my sister, but my mom refused to let me drive her car. I knew there was no winning because she likes to keep control over the few things she has control over, but still, it was a big fight that year. When I was home for Christmas last year fetching her cigarettes was the last request I fulfilled for her - in my car because I can no longer stand to be there without a clear escape option.

My adult years involve finding alcohol my mom hid around the house and trying to dump enough of it that wouldn’t result in me getting lashed out at. I also often spend the holidays get slurred at from my mom about “when does she get to be Grandma,” meaning when does someone else host Christmas since my Grandmother stopped hosting holidays after my Grandpa died when I was 12. For the record, I would LOVE to host a holiday and have offered, but that would involve my mom coming to my house. Which means leaving Long Island and being in a car for more than 40 minutes which are all things she doesn’t do. She came up to my grad school graduation in eastern Connecticut for the day with my grandma in 2007. That’s the last time she traveled for me and she constantly reminded me of what a taxing request it was for her to drive 2.5 hours each way. Aside from that, she hasn’t seen a place where I lived since I was a freshman in college, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.

Social media makes this time of year especially painful because sometimes I like to imagine all families are as broken and dysfunctional as mine, but then I see pictures of family game nights, family Christmas pajama parties, family hat parades, and more. It breaks my heart every single year and yet like a car accident I can’t look away. I get kicked while I’m down during the holidays thanks to the TimeHop app. Here’s a random sample of what popped up today - Christmas Eve:

2017: Pictures of cute Pomeranians on Instagram is my only drug option to keep me sane while at my mom’s house #hour2

2011: Nothing says Christmas like family members screaming at each other on the top of their lungs #crazyfamily

2010: Running errands with my sister AKA getting away from my mom for a few hours

2010: Traditional Christmas yelling is on full effect

2009: True life my mom made me curse in church because she is a crazy biotch

If this is the stuff I felt comfortable posting - crying for help -  via twitter or other social media you can only imagine what I didn’t post. In reflecting on horrible holidays what does it say that Thanksgiving 2007 doesn’t even crack the top 5 of horrible? Let me remind you my Dad died unexpectedly the Sunday before Thanksgiving that year and his wake and funeral were the 2 days after Thanksgiving. Yet I truthfully have had worst holidays. Bah Humbug feels like an appropriate way to end this post.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Wedding Planning

I was never the person who dreamed about their wedding, in fact I actually began to dread the reality of it - the family drama, the finances, the planning. NIGHTMARE. My then-boyfriend and I moved in together to a house he bought in Summer 2016. Not too long after on social media or tumblr I posted that as much as I want to get engaged, I was starting to understand the weight of the wedding extravaganza and wasn’t looking forward to the circus. Well of course soon after I posted that we got engaged in February 2017.

I remember asking him soon after he proposed why did he do this to me NOW?! I was literally at the beginning of a long Spring as a one-person office at work and we were planning on doing major home renovations.  I didn’t even have time to think about a wedding. So when people asked I said Fall 2018 because I knew Fall was the best time for me to take off of work and I like that time of year. Fall 2018 seemed so far off when we got engaged. The only thing we knew was that we wanted a beach wedding, but September-October is hurricane season on the east coast. So I googled something along the lines of “warmest ocean water beaches in fall without a hurricane threat” and the internet gods said Portugal and we were like sounds good.

March to September 2017 was a blur of a horrific nightmare due to work stress, renovations, mom drama, a shitty boss, and more. I was coping through not sleeping and severe workaholism. By the time I could come up for air I knew a 2018 wedding wasn’t going to happen and those closest to me knew that, but it didn’t stop the incessant questions and puzzled looks from random people when I said we hadn’t set a date or made plans. How do you tell a work acquaintance that you are trying to just keep yourself sane and finish out 2017 in one piece.

I set my intention for 2018 as “Balance” which meant no wedding planning because I knew I needed to work on me first. However this year was more about setting an intention, it was living the intention and that takes work and time. With 2018 winding down I’m happier with myself then I think I have ever been from the inside out. My fiance has also been on his own developmental journey. Together we are better now than we’ve ever been. We weathered a few storms and are stronger for it.

Last week was our 4.5 year anniversary and I joked that we are “Forever Fiances.” I was asked several times if him or I were “okay” with that. I still don’t really understand that question.

Are we okay that neither of us are really close with family and none of our family really care about our wedding because regardless of what we do it will be an inconvenience for them, if they come at all?

Are we okay that the only part of my wedding I ever “knew for sure” was that I wanted to to dance with my Dad to “On the street where you live” from My Fair Lady, but he died when I was 24 and never got to meet most of the important people in my life including my fiancé?

Are we okay with going into debt to self fund a wedding or cutting back on home improvements and aggressive mortgage payments to pay for it?

Are we okay with me doing large scale event planning for my day job and then me not really being motivated to do it in my precious free time? The free time that I’ve used to get a fitness instructor certification and lose ~25 lbs this year?

We don’t want a big flashy wedding, but we do want a wedding and we want to do it right, we just need time, money, and patience. The marriage part is what we’ve already been working on and we don’t need a piece of paper to do so. The party will come and it will be great, but I didn’t expect all the pressure put on engaged couples, particularly brides. Unless you know you will be invited to my wedding or you are willing to pay for it, please don’t ask me about it. When plans are set I’ll be the first one to shout it from the rooftop.