#MY DAD WAS SO SHOOK BY THE WAY THEY WERE ACTIN I WAS LOSIN IT KGNJHSFDS

[etherealskeletons]

OKAY SO . . .

I was left alone while Dad was dealing with the family and shit. The camper were in has a toilet but I hate it bc it's so cramped and it's askew?? My ass had to shit so I had to get ALL the courage to go walk a couple houses down and across the street to use a gas station bathroom [nd I did it!! It was terrifying going somewhere alone;;] my "room" smells like cat litter and it's very small and the rest of the camper smells like a stinky old dog. My "bed" is also above the water pump so anytime dad uses the bathroom or sink it makes this hella loud noise like AAAGGGHHUGGGGGHHHH so ye sleeping sucks but that's the reality babey

I ended up spending a lot of time with the wife and toddler. Wife is very awkward but kinda nice, doesn't ask a whole lotta questions, had a rough life. She's like 31 and the dude she's with is in his 50s and he's such a dink named Dale, I hate him and think she could do hella better but I think she's got shit self esteem, shes also extremely religious and became a hardcore Trump supporter after she married him so.. h..?? Anyway she was VERY SURPRISED when baby loved me and instantly bonded with me, baby is hella fun all she wants to do is play and I swing her around and feed her and her mom starts saying I would be a great mom and I should marry an older man like she did. She asked what kinda boys I'm into nd when I said greasy goth boys she looked SO DISAPPOINTED and told me older men are the way to go;; SO everything was fine until she was starting to make dinner then she started stressing the fuck out and saying shit like "Dale is gonna be so mad that it isn't ready when he comes come from work" and she's like hella pregnant and she also has to clean the cat box bc he doesn't wanna do it but?? I thought pregnant people weren't allowed to do that?? But fuck that he's a man he can't possibly clean a litter box

Anything I say the wife always goes "I was there once too but then I found god, married a nice older man and I'm a mom, things are great. U should do it too :)" like ew girl no.. I may hate myself, but I don't hate myself THAT much! She's also not on board with me cutting my hair and wants me to be ~girl~. SHE WAS ALSO TELLIN ME THAT SHE DOESNT SUPPORT THE LEFT AT ALL AND DOESNT BELIEVE IN THINFS LIKE FREE HEALTHCARE OR HANDOUTS EVEN THO SHES POOR AS HELL!! THEY DONT EVEN HAVE GOOD WALLS U CAN SEE THE OUTSIDE?? THERES NO REAL KITCHEN??? NO INSULATION??? BABY ROOM DOESNT EVEN HAVE ANY DAMN WALLS???? GIRL U NEED THOSE HANDOUTS UR LIVING IN SHIT!! U NEED A DENTIST GIRL UR GUMS!!! U ALSO LIVE UP NORTH WHY ARE U ACTING LIKE A SOUTHERN HICK;;; ALSO THEYRE SUPER RACIST AND SEXIST IM JUS???? THEYRE LIVIING LIKE ITS THE 50S;;;;; AND THEYRE SO HATEFUL TO OTHER RACES/SEXUALITIES BUT THEYRE CHRISTIANS??? WHICH ARE SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW CHRIST AND BE KIND LIKE???? H E L L O?????? THEYRE LIKE THE SUPER KIND OF RELIGIOUS TOO WHERE U WEAR JEAN SKIRTS;;; THEYLL SAY JESUS IS LOVE ND W/E AND THEN PROCEED TO SAY RLY BAD SWEARS IN FRONT OF THEIR 1 YEAR OLD FDMNSBHJFSD;;;;

They don't get along with their neighbors, idk why they just don't. Neighbors blast music for the whole neighborhood to hear, they have a million dogs and pigs, I guess theres a gay kid bc husband is VERY VOCAL about how much he hates that "f*ggot" nd I jus;;;; I feel for that kid like Jesus Christ...

So that night it's me, dad, wife husband baby, and husband's foster son and his wife (they're like pushing 40). We're eating and this emo teen boy comes over and dumps out a vacuum in the Dale's backyard and he's PISSED!! Everyones yelling at the kid and Dale goes out to scream at the kid and he calls him the F slur multiple times and the kid says he's gonna call the sheriff bc he's doing a hatecrime and he's all "ITS NOT A HATECRIME ITS WHAT U ARE U F*GGOT" AND EVERYONRS AGREEING WITH HIM BUT ME AND MY DAD WERE JUS SITTIN THERE DYIN;; HE LITERALLY WENT OUT WITH HIS HAND ON HIS GUN LIKE DUDE CMON THE KIDS LIKE 16;;; WHATRE U DOIN;;; THATS A KID DALE WHAT THE FUCK MAN??? So the kids parents came over and started threatening to call the cops and Dale was like "fuck u I didn't do nothing wrong, sit on it and rotate! At least I can own a gun unlike u, u dumb felon bitch!!" Hhfhh??? Extremely embarrassing, I hate that theyre using such nasty language in front of a 1 year old and that they're so intolerant and trashy ouuffff

Next day the wife apologizes for Dale's actions but she's like "I can't fucking stand f*ggots, they're all so disgusting. And tr*nnies too like? they're just ruining their perfect bodies, can you believe that?" And it's taking everything in me to not be like "girl I'm not straight, cis, religious, OR a trump supporter.."

[izzy-b-hands]

Play Ball

A bit of Sledgefu that I’ve had brewing in the back of my head since I made this post: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186689955621/okay-but-sledgefu-with-a-baseball-related-plot

Please note that if there are any baseball inaccuracies in here, it’s because I’m not a huge Sports Person, and despite trying to double check rules and how the game goes, it is very possible I fucked something up. Forgive me if you find any lol.

He was unhinged, a wild beast of a man, his blood boiling. 

And they hadn’t even started playing yet. 

“You always this...passionate, about baseball?” Snafu asked, watching Eugene pace and sulk, glaring down the other team. 

“They have the nerve to show up this late, we could have left by now, and they’re talkin’ shit,” Eugene spat. 

As if on cue, a player from the other team called over abuse to their bench, something Snafu could only half hear, about how they couldn’t hit a ball if their lives depended on it, and Eugene exploded. 

“Come over here and say that! I fuckin’ dare you!” 

Sid, the reluctant team captain/amateur coach sighed. “This is why his dad made him stop playin’ when we were kids. He gets a half mile within a baseball field, and...well.” 

“I mean, I don’t hate the passion,” Snafu replied as he watched Eugene nearly climb the fencing that separated them from the team and their bench from the field. “Just...haven’t seen him like this since Okinawa. And that was war, this is...” 

“Not war?” Sid snorted. “I know. But I already told him, he keeps himself together or he’s out for at least a game or two. Ain’t healthy, him gettin’ that upset.” 

“You know, you wanna talk about us not hittin’, but what about you showin’ up on time? Get a watch, motherfucker!” Eugene was almost spitting with each word, his muscles tense to the touch as Snafu gently pulled him back to the bench. 

“C’mon, wait to beat ‘em out there,” Snafu soothed, wondering if he wouldn’t have to actually sit on Eugene to get him to stay on the bench for the next few minutes until they could run to the field. 

“Oh I will; I’ll beat ‘em off the damn field,” Eugene hissed, then paused. “Wait, no-” 

But it was too late, and Sid’s laughter along with the rest of their teammates interrupted him. 

Snafu watched a smile break out on Eugene’s face. “Shit. I didn’t mean...” 

“We all know Snafu’s the only one you do that to, Eugene. Maybe reword that next time though, huh?” one of the older team members, a veteran who’d fought in the European theater laughed. 

The break in Eugene’s anger was a nice one, and Snafu felt a bit better as they ran out onto the field. This might be okay after all, and might even be a fun thing to add onto their summer schedules from here on out. 

The other team’s batter strode onto the field like he couldn’t be bothered to be excited to play. He barely swung at the first two pitches, and Snafu could feel everyone else’s confusion joining his. The fuck was this guy’s issue?

The third pitch, he gave an electric grin, and hit the ball sky high, giving Snafu a chance to watch Eugene, who was far enough out in the outfield to go for it. 

It was intense, and impressive. Eugene had a hell of an arm on him as he tossed the ball back towards their team members nearer the bases, screaming for someone to tag him out. 

He screamed even louder when they failed to do so, and absolutely howled as the next batter walked up, chuckling. 

“Look at him, he can’t hit shit! We got no goddamn excuse now!” 

“Eugene!” Sid’s voice rang out across the field. 

“Yeah?!” Eugene shouted back. 

“Shut the fuck up and get ready to catch somethin’!” Sid was half-laughing as he shouted, but Snafu noticed that didn’t seem to catch Eugene’s attention. He was petulant after the reprimand, red in the face and clearly irritated. 

Their pitcher seemed immune to all of it going on, as if he was somewhere else, pitching well without a care in the world, well enough to strike the batter out, and strike the smarmy grin off the player’s face. 

“Told you he couldn’t hit shit!” Eugene was bouncing on the balls of his feet in the field, glaring down the next batter before he was even fully in the batter’s box. 

Sid caught Snafu’s eye, and gestured to Eugene as he called for a time-out. 

Snafu trotted out to him and sighed. “You gonna be good for the rest of this?” 

“I’m fine,” Eugene said. 

“Bullshit. The hell about this goddamn game has you so riled up?” 

Eugene shrugged. “Just...don’t like losin’ at it, for some reason. I know it doesn’t mean shit whether we win or lose, I just get out here and...” 

“Okay, well you gotta relax, or Sid’s gonna pull you. You know he will. Won’t wanna, but he will. You good?” 

Eugene nodded. 

The next batter seemed half afraid as he looked out to them, but he hit the ball. 

At least, that was as much as Snafu could remember before waking up on the side of the field, a circle of concerned faces from both teams looking over him. 

“I will rip you to fucking shreds! So small they won’t have shit to bury!” Eugene’s voice was the loudest and clearest thing as he came back to himself, sitting up despite the protests of the other players. 

Sid was sitting on him in the dirt, motioning for the batter that had just been up to leave. “He’s gonna be fine, we’ll have a doctor look at him, you aren’t in trouble.” 

Snafu clambered to his feet, ignoring the ungodly ache of his head, and wondered how big the bruise on his head would be from where the ball must have hit him. “Hey, you the kid that hit me?” 

He looked to be all of nineteen, and took a step back as Snafu approached him.

“Relax, you’re fine. Shit happens. I made through Guaducanal and Peleliu, gonna take more than a rogue baseball to take me out,” Snafu smiled, and held his hand out for the kid to shake. 

Eugene, Sid, and everyone else had gone completely silent, watching them. 

The kid smiled, and shook his hand enthusiastically. “Thank you for yo-” 

“Ah, ah, I only brought that up so you know you didn’t kill me. I’ll be fine, and as long as you don’t make a habit of beanin’ other players in the head, you’ll be fine too.” 

Sid climbed off of Eugene, and sighed. “Everyone fine with us just reschedulin’ this one? I got a player to take to a doctor, and a goddamn headache.” 

The other team’s coach sighed as well, in relief. “Next Sunday?” 

“Sounds good,” Sid said and the crowd began to disperse. 

“Thought he fuckin’ killed you,” Eugene was beside him suddenly, and Snafu jumped. 

“Nah. You should know better by now; I got a skull so damn hard even common sense can’t break into it,” Snafu grinned, but Eugene didn’t smile. 

“I scared the shit outta that kid, actin’ like I did. This is my fault,” he said softly, and wrapped Snafu in a hug. 

“You need to do better at the next game,” Sid agreed, walking over to them. “But this isn’t your fault. Could have hit anyone, we coulda been up to bat and hit one of their guys. Just an accident.” 

“We’ll call my dad over, have him check you. I’ll tell him to come for the next week; we’ll just have him over for dinner each night and that way if anything happens-” Eugene had gone from sad and remorseful to frantic. “Let me look at your eyes, he told me what to look for once.” 

Eugene’s hands were on his face, pulling his eyelids up before he could bat him off, and he couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What’s so funny?” Eugene asked, moving his hands from Snafu’s face to his waist. 

“Look in my eyes, Sledgehammer,” Snafu quoted himself, remembering the day he’d spent begging Eugene to try and diagnose him with an illness he hadn’t had. “Think a head injury is worse than the heebie jeebies?” 

Eugene smiled. “Even with a head injury, you’re somethin’ else, you know that?” 

“You can tell me how much of somethin’ else I am while you drive me home,” Snafu teased, though his head really was killing. 

“Both of you are gonna get in the backseat and shut up,” Sid sighed irritably. “Or did y’all really forget I drove us here?” 

“...thank you for drivin’ us home, Sid darlin’,” Snafu grinned. “And for bein’ the best coach we could ask for.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Sid shook his head. “Just bring your best next weekend, and please, Eugene-” 

“I know,” Eugene interrupted. “Sorry, Sid. I’ll rein myself in next weekend. Promise.”

The drive home was still a bit awkward, if only because Sid had meant his command to stay quiet. If they so much as giggled, he shushed them like a frustrated father and reminded them of his headache. By the time he’d dropped them off, they were shaking from suppressing their laughter. 

Mentally, as he rested on the couch with Eugene’s father checking him over, he made a note to have them try some other sport in addition to baseball. Something calmer, that might not raise Eugene’s blood pressure to dangerous levels. He didn’t know what that might be, but he figured he’d have plenty of time to ask Eugene what he’d want to try, while he insisted on waiting on him hand and foot, refusing to let him move from the couch and then their bed later that evening, treating him like a potentially-concussed prince.

[agentdagonet]

Echoes, Ch. 26

Find it here on AO3

Find it here on tumblr:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

Fic Summary: Feet dangling off the edge of the bed, hands still resting on the earpieces of his glasses, Eggsy opened his eyes.

And promptly shut them again, screwing them shut like a child who had the distinct misfortune of biting into a raw lemon. Breathing harshly in his nose and out his mouth, trying to stave off whatever delusional panic had befallen him, Eggsy reopened his eyes.

‘Harry?’

Or: The Hologram Story Nobody Asked For

          ‘You know I love you, yeah?’ Michelle’s voice didn’t waver, but her eyes remained focused on the cup she clutched between her hands. They were sat together on the sofa, enough space that Daisy could fit between them, had she been awake; Eggsy hummed in agreement, mouth preoccupied with the tea they had masterfully made themselves to give them a way not to talk. 

           They both knew they had to, the way they were going just couldn’t continue for much longer. Something had to give.

           ‘... I’ve spen’ a lot of time, mum, tryin’ to find a way to explain my shit in a way you’d get it- but, see, knowin’ how to talk to someone means you gotta know ‘em. An’ it kinda hit me that we don’ know each other well ‘nough for that.’ Eggsy sighed, one hand tugging through his hair while the other held the cup on the armrest. ‘Not as adults, at least- an’ I don’t want to be harsh on you, but it feels like you still see me as a kid cos you weren’ really awake enough to see me when I was one.’

           ‘I know your age, Eggsy-’

           ‘It ain’t about age, mum- least, it’s not about the number. It’s about where my head’s at, the age I am here,’ he brought the hand from his hair to hiss temple, ‘an’ here,’ his heart, ‘not some numbers.’

           ‘I don’t understand.’ It’s quiet, muttered around the lip of her mug, with a furrow between her brows. ‘I know the estates and… and Dean,’ she swallowed heavily, ‘weren’t very forgiving or anythin’ but we got by.’

           ‘When Harry came by and told you about dad,’ Eggsy turned fully toward his mother, who was buried in her mug and growing tenser by the moment, ‘when he gave me this medal cos you were just gonna toss it out of spite,’ Eggsy pulled it from his shirt and over his head, laying it on the cushion between them, ‘he told me to take care of you.’ Michelle’s head shot up, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

           ‘The first time Harry ever saw me, he knew who we were- dad talked about us constantly. He knew the news he was going to deliver was awful and that nothin’ could replace what he saw as his having taken from us. He blamed himself- he fought tooth an’ nail to get that medal for us against every regulation there was- and he knew you weren’ gonna accept help from anyone but he gave me the medal anyway. Told me to take care of it- and you.

           ‘I didn’ really get it at the time, but then you just… didn’ get up for a while. I had to go to school, I had to eat, and you didn’t seem to hear me askin’ you about that stuff. I didn’t get a buncha stuff at school and you wouldn’ help me so I ended up talkin’ to my teachers and figuring it out me’self. I started figurin’ my own food- an’ then I started figuring yours. Tried to pester you into much of anything but it was just so hard. An’ then you started dating again- or, well, going out, an’ I had a whole new challenge.’

           ‘It weren’t all that, babes-’

           ‘Mum, I love you, but it was. My fears for Daisy, the reasons I didn’ tell you when I found out what really happened to dad, aren’ just nightmares an’ shit made up. I don’ want her havin’ to do even a fraction of what I did at her age. The fact that you can’ see, even now, everythin’ that was wrong back then scares me.’ Eggsy lifted his mug back to his face, barely sipping as an excuse to pass the buck for a bit. 

           ‘I just… I guess I can’t put it all together in a way that makes sense, Eggsy. Harry- the one who told me about your dad’s death, who died ‘imself, and then wasn’t dead- his guilt ain’t yours, and I don’ get why you’d be so torn up abou’ the death of a man you barely knew. An’ keeping secrets is one of the few things I know the estates taught well, I don’ like it but I understand that bit. Mostly. Still hurt, tho.’ Michelle sounded entirely lost, and wished desperately for a cig or a stiffer drink than tea- but she was trying not to rely on shit like that anymore.

           ‘Harry told me to take care of you- so I did. Not that I really thought he existed for a bit there, to be honest. Without the medal I’d’ve chalked ‘im up as a figment of my imagination. I just knew that someone ‘ad given me an important job, and I was gonna do it. But, to be honest mum, you’re tough as shit to take care of. I started to give up, an’ I went off to the Marines to try an’ make something of myself for me. Figured you was okay, what with a live-in boyfriend an’ all, but that weren’t the case at all, cos-’

           ‘Daisy.’

           ‘Yeah, mum, Daisy. You called up me in a panic, bangin’ on about losin’ me like you lost dad and I dunno if you really knew what you was doing. Maybe you weren’t doing it on purpose- I hope you weren’t-’ the last was murmured, ‘but you used my takin’ care of you against me. You pushed every button, pulled every trigger, and then- d’you remember the last bit o’ that call? I can’t forget it.’ 

           Michelle shook her head, mug forgotten on her lap.

           ‘You tol’ me that it wasn’t like I could make a career out of that anyway. You just… dismissed my choices like they didn’ matter a whit- I was nearly twenty, mum! Did you know there’d been Olympic scouts at my gymnastics practises? That girly shit Dean said was a waste of money coulda gotten us out of there, no medal necessary- I liked gymnastics, but someone else said different and you leapt to please ’em. 

           ‘You didn’ really treat me like a person; you didn’ explain or ask what I thought or even talk to my coaches. One day I was doin’ something amazing and the next day I was told we were never going back there again, and yeah I wasn’ an adult but I’ve never been an idiot, mum. Just. Over an’ over again you showed me that I wasn’t the most important thing in your life, or even like top five sometimes, so I stopped tryin’ to be. I let Dean get to me, let ‘im use me to run his shit and whatever the fuck else he wanted to keep ‘im from goin’ after you or Daisy an’ I stopped trying to find a way out.

           ‘I gave up, got myself stuck, an’ Harry just abou’ dragged me back into bein’ a person again withou’ even knowin’ it! He was a right prick about it at first- said he though’ dad’d be “bitterly disappointed” in me.’ Much to MIchelle’s confusion, Eggsy grinned his way around the words and huffed a laugh. ‘He was actin’ on the assumption that my life choices were my own- but I set him straight quick. Got me goin’ off about posh arseholes and silver spoons, an’ looking back I think he was a bit proud I didn’ hold my tongue, but then Poodle and the boys showed up. And, well, you know what happened after that. Fuckin’ Dean, and Harry saving my arse cos I refused to grass on ‘im even after… well, after everything.’

           ‘I think you’ve gotten off topic, Eggsy. I don’t need a step-by-step of you ‘n Harry-’

           ‘Except that’s exactly what you asked for, mum. You don’ get why his death fucked me up so badly an’ I’m tryin’ to explain it to you- but you don’t really want to know why it affected me so badly- you’se wonderin’ why his death affected you long after you’d put ‘im and his message from your mind.’

           ‘Now wait a minute, Eggsy- I ain’t lying to you about wanting to know shit. I’m not lying about wanting to understand why his death put you in such a state. I’m not making shit up about not understanding and trying to understand you. I don’t get it, I’m trying here,’ she wiped at her eyes angrily, refusing to look away from Eggsy despite the state she’d suddenly put herself into, ‘but you’ve got to give me something to work with, babe! You’re going on about bein’ grown up and at the same time you‘re harping on about shit I can’t even remember!’

           ‘EXACTLY!’ Eggsy jumped to his feet and threw his hands up, thankfully having dropped his empty mug to the ground beforehand, ‘That’s the fucking problem, mum- you don’t remember. And, maybe, what you do remember somehow measures up as not as bad as some other shit but I don’t have that luxury! You know what I remember? You, blacked out on the couch; you, lettin’ Dean’s boys paw at you in the livin’ room; you, turning away the first time Dean hit me; you, ignorin’ Daisy crying for hours until I gave in and got what she needed.

           ‘And, yeah, I know shit was tough- I’m not tryin’ to compare sufferings or some other bullshit- I know you think you were doing the best you could; I know you think you did the best you could with the shitty hand you were dealt. I know.’ Eggsy stopped, took a deep breath in his nose and out his mouth, lips pursed tightly, and did it again. Again. Until the red faded from his face and his heart slowed down enough to feel rational again.

           Michelle hadn’t moved. She tried to convince herself that she was listening out for Daisy moving about in her room, what with the ruckus, but adept as she was at lying to herself it wouldn’t stick. This man in front of her was a stranger to her- she knew he was her son, but she didn’t know anything about him, apparently. She didn’t know his goals or his struggles, she didn’t know his friendships beyond the tangential moments they crossed her path directly; how was she ever supposed to bridge this gap she hadn’t known was there?

           ‘Eggs-’

           ‘Let me finish, mum- if I don’ do it now I don’t think I’ll try again later.’

           ‘Okay.’ She swallowed heavily, hands so tight around the mug she was surprised it hadn’t shattered, and waited.

           And waited.

           ‘D’you know what I don’t remember, mum? I don’t remember dad’s voice. I don’t remember his laugh or much of anythin’ about him to be honest. Sometimes I think I see him when I’m asleep but I dunno how much of that’s just my head making shit up with the one picture I’ve got of him, and how much of it is an actual memory I can’t get to when I’m awake. I don't want to find out how much of it's all in my head, honest. An’ maybe all that’s not the healthiest start to a relationship, of any kind, but it’s a sight better than drugs and a meal ticket.

           ‘Harry didn’t save me, and fuck knows he was a right arse at the start of it; but my refusing to grass gave him enough reason, I guess, to give me the chance to prove myself. He threw every one of my biggest regrets, especially the ones I didn’t get a choice in failing at, in my face. An’ then he turned it about in a way only someone used to getting his way can- he told me to jump. And I said “why not” instead of “how high” an’ he was glad for it. He didn’t give me shit besides a chance; he didn’ tell me what was goin’ on ‘til it were too late to turn back and let me prove myself. Not to him, but-’

           ‘To yourself. He… He took you away from everythin’ that held you back an’ let you push yourself. He let you figure yourself out without any of us stoppin’ you.’

           ‘He believed in me, mum; and, yeah, it all started cos he figured he’d as good as killed dad himself but he let me figure it out myself. Never treated me like a kid or like I was less a person for bein’ different- and I fucked it up anyway, mind, but he let me try- and then he died and the one person who’d believed in me was gone. An’ the last thing I’d said to him was accuse ‘im of havin’ dad stuffed somewhere in his house like one of them pinned butterflies. He went straight off for America from that fight, an’ then he died-’

           ‘And you blamed yourself.’ Her Eggsy, if she could call him that to herself without wincing, had gone and fallen into the same pit Harry had after Lee. He slumped back into the sofa, head hung low, and Michelle took the moment just to look at him. To see the way his jaw clenched and unclenched the same way Lee’s had when he was upset. The way Eggsy’s eyes had the same tilt his dad had had. All the little pieces of Lee that Eggsy had no idea he’d inherited because she’d refused to talk about him and brought people into their lives who forbade it. Because she’d... let her grief consume her.

           ‘Well, now I know what Merlin was on about,’  Michelle muttered to herself, one hand propped against her chin, ‘when he said I’d let my grief consume me. I didn’ even see you was strugglin’ more than I was, babes, cos it was different. I ain’t gonna claim that I get it now,’ she shook her head and a self-deprecating laugh escaped, ‘but I’m gonna say that I’m gonna try and see that I don’ understand and that’s okay.

           ‘I know I didn’ do right by you, Eggsy; I know I let other shit be more important and I pushed you away cos you reminded me so much of Lee that it… it made me angry. How could I keep bein’ who I’d been before, when he was gone? And I didn’ even realise that I was takin’ it out on you. Or,’ she corrected herself, ‘maybe I did, but I didn’t want to admit it to meself. I spent so much time tryin’ to ignore everything that’d changed and not enough trying to figure out how to be your mum- a mum, actually- after everythin’. You kept gettin’ bigger and then you were grown and leavin’ me and I just… panicked.’

           Eggsy refused to meet her gaze, one hand clenched tightly in a fist while the other rubbed itself aimlessly against the sofa cushion. He’d always known his mum was fucked up; the older he got the more obvious it was that she’d just had all her strings cut when his dad died and she let just about anyone make choices for her cos she couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a person. And yeah, having the explanation helped and all, but it was a bit like finding out that Snape’d been a dick because he was a spy and loved Harry’s mum- it was a good reason, but it wasn’t an excuse. It didn’t make things better in retrospect, it didn’t make him happier to know; it didn’t bridge the gap she’d dug between them. It was a good way to learn what not to do- but didn’t help much when trying to figure out what TO do.

           ‘I don’ think I’m ever gonna understand, Eggsy, but I don’ want you avoiding me- or Daisy- cos of the shit I did before. Or didn’ do. I ain’t gonna claim to fix it or anything- but I want to try an’ do better; I want to learn how to be… well, maybe not a mum- think you’re a bit old for that, an’ that’s where I fucked this up in the first place. I tried to push you to talk an’ you weren’t ready, or maybe just not ready to talk with me ‘bout it, cos I thought I knew best. And it’s pretty obvious here that I don’t. So, maybe I can learn to be your friend- one that’s got a load of stories to teach you what not to do.’

           ‘You’re always gonna be my mum, tho. You fucked up, a lot, and I’m tryin’ not to… to project my past onto Daisy cos you’ve changed. V-Day made us all re-think a lot of shit, in a lot o’ ways, and I know you’re trying. There ain’t much to drink here, you’ve been chattin’ with Harry and takin’ Daisy to school and being a proper person. I can see it. But, sometimes, seein’ you trying makes me mad as hell- cos why wasn’ I enough to try for?’ Eggsy felt a tear escape, traitorously run it's way down his cheek, but refused to wipe it away. He was allowed to feel, damnit.

           ‘Oh, Eggsy, there was nothin’ you coulda done. You did your best- I just… wasn’t quite there yet. I couldn’t see past the moment I was stuck in like- like your bloody snowglobe, that one Lee brought home for you his last leave. Everythin’ was fine long as I didn’t leave that bubble and tha’s on me, babes. My shit ain’t your responsibility, an’ that goes double for your guilt over Harry. Obviously his dying didn’ stick, but you’ve gotta let that shit go or you’re never going to see eveythin’ that’s in front of you.’ Michelle thought briefly of Harry the first time he’d come by, how lost he’d been when she’d just brushed aside his guilt like a stray bit of dirt where it shouldn’t be. ‘And I ain’t talkin’ about being grateful- I know you’re plenty grateful that shit’s landed as it has, love- but you… I dunno, maybe it’s just cos I see you so little with that “tailoring” job,’ Michelle mimed the quotations with her fingers, ‘but it feels like you’re doin’ the same shit I did, but, like, the opposite. You’re tryin’ to keep yourself in that moment back when shit wasn’t all fucked up, an’ if you’re moving forward it’s fuckin’ slowly.’

           ‘Like you’re one to talk, mum.’

           ‘But tha’s just it- I was doing that. I was stuck and stickin’ there and I didn’t even care I was doing it ‘til some madman decided to shove my faults in my face in a way I can only thank every god above and below Daisy doesn’t seem to remember.

           ‘Learn from me, Eggsy- don’ get stuck just cos it seems safer.’

           ‘I don’t know how to be safe, mum- I just know how to get from one crisis to the next.’

           ‘Good thing you’ve got the time to learn, then. Even if you’ve got yourself a group of folk who prolly don’t know any better than you do.’ That seemed to cut loose some of the tension, both chuckling and bumping shoulders, and when had the space between them shrunk so much? Physically, mind, but hopefully they’d started filling in the emotional gaps.

           They sat in silence for a while, finishing off their now-so-cold-it-was-a-little-gross tea and clearing the sitting room. They got up to wash their mugs, stood comfortably beside each other at the sink, a happier echo of tense moments past. Michelle didn’t want to leave anything for Eggsy to wonder at, cos chances were that they wouldn’t ever speak like this again. This was the only chance she’d have, probably; but even if it weren’t she needed to know that Eggsy had heard her.

           ‘I need you to know that I mean it when I tell you I love you, Eggsy. I don’ really know how to love you, now, but I know it’s there- I just can’t express it right, I guess. And I’m so proud of you- you grew up so much when I wasn’t looking. When I was lookin’ away on purpose. But you’re an amazing young man and I am so proud of you- even when you won’t tell me all about your fancy dangerous job and I have to imagine what’s goin’ on.’ Eggsy smiled ruefully and scrubbed a hand at his neck, cheeks flushed but unrepentant. Michelle smiled and slowly opened her arms, wriggling her fingers to goad Eggsy into her embrace- which he did without protest, and she lifted herself just enough to reach his ear and whisper the words she couldn’t bring herself to say to his face.

           ‘You’re so much like your dad; you’ve got his justice and his fury and I’m gonna try an' tell you that more often. You deserve to know that you’re doin’ him proud- and he deserves to be remembered.’

[wordshakerofgallifrey]

Right in Front of Me, part 2/?

Katherine needs a date to her sister’s wedding. Unfortunately, Katherine is also single. But she just might have a friend who will step up to the plate for her… if they can both get over the fact they’ve been obviously in love with each other for almost a decade.

Easy, right?

newsies, jack/kath.

Part 1

Jack walked to his apartment from the subway, thinking of Katherine’s offer.

“Thank you so much,” she’d said again when she hugged him before they went their separate ways. “And don’t worry,” she’d added, shoving his shoulder a little. “I’ve been told I’m a pretty good girlfriend. From the... oh god, two guys I’ve dated since college. It’s fine, we can do this.” Katherine’d laughed and hugged him again, not seeing the strained smile on his face.

If he was being honest with himself---and that wasn’t something he’d ever been good at---he mighta, sorta liked Katherine back in the day.

Last Tuesday counted as back in the day, right?

He shook his head as he entered his building, stopping in the lobby to check his mail. He could turn off his feelings for---how’d she put it? Three days---no---twelve hours? 

He could turn off those feelings for twelve hours to pretend he had feelings for her, right?

“You’s losin’ your mind, Kelly,” he muttered to himself as he climbed the stairs.

Reaching his apartment, Jack shifted his mail under one arm to unlock the door, revealing Davey and Crutchie, who called out greetings, sitting on his couch.

“Why’re ya in my place?” he asked, kicking the door shut behind him, not really surprised. Crutchie and Davey ended up over here more often than not. “Breakin’ in to steal my food still?”

“Davey’s a teacher an’ I work f’r a non-profit, we can’t afford food,” Crutchie teased. 

“Where were you?” Davey asked. “Thought we were getting dinner.”

Jack shook his head, stopping to pet Bella as he shot Davey a confused look. “Thought I toldja we had to do Friday. I got dinner with Kath tonight.”

“Ohhhh, that’s right,” Crutchie said as Jack stepped over his legs propped up on the coffee table. “Ya had dinner with Kath’rine tonight.”

Plopping down on the couch, Jack rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Charlie, I get dinner with her every week. Or we try.”

“Your ‘platonic’ weekly dinner with Katherine?” Davey said, scoffing.

“Not so platonic this time,” Jack muttered without thinking.

Whump! a pillow smacked him in the face, startling him. “Shit, Charlie, what was that for?”

“I panicked. Whaddaya mean it wasn’t platonic this time?”

“God, kid, I was jokin’. Put the pillow down ‘fore ya hurt someone. I’m goin’ with her ta Connie’s weddin’, that’s it,” Jack adjusted his hat, tossing the pillow back on the couch.

“What, so she asked you?” Davey asked, scrutinizing him. “Why aren’t you happier about Katherine asking you out?”

Jack shook his head. “‘Cause she didn’t act’ally ask me. ‘M just there so she don’t have to be there alone. I mean, we’s gonna be actin’ like we’s been t’gether, guess she told Connie she’d been datin’ someone, but it ain’t like a real date or nothin’.”

Crutchie blinked at him a moment before smacking him with a pillow again.

“‘Ay!” Jack yanked the pillow away from him. “What was that f’r?”

“For bein’ an idiot,” Crutchie said flatly. “Ya let her ask ya on a fake date when ya coulda just as easily made it a real one?”

Jack sputtered a moment, looking between Davey and Crutchie with wide eyes. “Why would I do that?”

“Oh my god, are you still in denial?” Davey deadpanned.

“What? Aw, ya mean me likin’ Kath back in college? We was all moonin’ after her one time or ‘nother.”

“Yeah, but it stuck with you f’r the last decade,” Crutchie pointed out.

Davey nodded in agreement. “Yeah, and you can’t keep actin’ like it’s all one-sided.”

“Okay, now what’s you on about?” Jack asked, exasperated. He knew better than to bring this up. They was like Bella with a chew toy when he mentioned Kath.

“She asked ya on a date,” Davey stressed.

“So did your sister,” Jack reminded him. “An’ it ain’t a date, she asked me ta be her date.”

Rolling his eyes, Davey shook his head. “That was different, Sarah was scared to ask a girl to prom.”

“An’ she ditched ya ta make out with the French exchange girl anyways, so can ya call that a date?” Crutchie asked, considering that.

“Yeah, well, Kath just needs a date ta her sister’s weddin’, so it ain’t much different,” Jack pointed out.

“Yeah but she asked you.” Davey poked his shoulder for emphasis.

“An’ Kath probably won’t ditch ya f’r a French girl,” Crutchie mused.

“It’s nothin’. I’m there to help her save face. An’ piss her dad off some. That’s all.”

Davey and Crutchie gave him disbelieving looks, and Jack slipped a hand under the back of his hat, pushing it up to scratch the back of his head. The bill of his hat slipped down, momentarily blocking Davey and Crutchie from his view.

Shaking his head, he tried to squash the hope that tried to bubble up. It’d been almost a decade. If something was going to happen, it would’ve, right?

He was just doing a favor for his friend. His best friend since college. His best friend since college who he might or might not have harbored feelings for since college.

He sighed. 

It wasn’t nothing. Not to him.

“Yeah, that didn’t sound believable to me either,” he sighed again, adjusting his hat once more so it sat properly once more. “I’m fucked, ain’t I?”

They nodded solemnly, and Jack groaned. “You really didn’t forget we moved dinner to Friday, didja?”

Crutchie and Davey exchanged a glance.

“No.”

“Yes.” This time Davey got hit by a pillow. “Dammit, Davey, we was playin’ it cool.” 

Jack groaned again. “It’s like ya knew.”

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mystery solved || z self para

tw: guns, violence

“aight z, you got this.” he was looking at himself in the rearview mirror of his car, taking a deep breath in and nodding. “you got this. you gotta have this. you gotta know what’s going on so you can protect your family, your girl, and yourself. okay?” he paused, as if waiting for a response. but no response came. it was just him. him, a gun, in his car, deep in black spade territory in brooklyn.

pulling out his phone, he texted anita. i scheduled a lyft to pick you up and bring you to me around 7. i love you baby. see you tonight. 

thinking about seeing anita tonight, the thought crossed his mind that what he was doing could get him hurt. he promised anita that he wouldn’t go looking for answers, but here he was. this could get you killed. now he was thinking about his mom, drake, his little sister. he wondered if he was doing the right thing anymore, looking over to his glove box where he knew his gun was stashed for emergencies.

but then he remembered why he was doing this. 

when that spade came to his family cookout, z learned a few things. firstly, the spades knew where his mom and family lived. he could only assume, since he lived ten minutes away by foot and was there all the time, that the spades also knew where his apartment was. the fear of what else they might know was fueling this quest of his. what if they know about anita? where she lives? the posse forced drake in with legal fees; what if they threaten us? or drake? or hazeema? he also learned that the gang had something up their sleeve. the guy had been cocky, like he had information that the delphins didn’t. but what?

fear coursing through him, he took in a sharp breath and reached over to his glove compartment, yanking it open and grabbing the gun. he turned the safety off and put it in his hoodie, getting out of his car and beginning to walk around and look for the gangster that had called himself ‘deshawn’. he’d memorized the license plate of the suv the guy had been in so that he could find him later if he needed to, and he hoped that would help him now. 898-AB0D.

it took nearly a half hour, but finally, he saw the telltale lettering of the license plate. he’d worn black, hoping that flying gang colors would allow people trust him and give him information. an older man stood outside of the corner store, dressed normally, but with a black bandana in the window of his shop. 

“yo!” z called, walking over, “my brother, you know whose car that is?” he asked, pointing to the suv. the older man looked at him like he didn’t want to get involved. “boy, you lookin’ stupid axin’ questions like that in this neighborhood.” z licked his lips, knowing that he was going to have to be quick on his feet to get through this. “nah, you lookin’ stupid old man. you know who i am?” the man’s head cocked in confusion and z went on, hoping that this would work. “i’m a delphin. one of ulysses’ boys.” 

the man’s eyes widened and he started retreating toward his shop. “oh hell nah, ion want no smoke,” he said, opening his door and speaking, half-in and half-out. “whatever business you got wid deshawn, keep it outta my shop.” the door slammed and locked, the man flipping the sign from open to closed. z just stood there, dumbfounded. what the fuck was that?

sighing, z turned and looked around, trying to spot any clues as to what he would do next. i just want some fuckin’ answers.

as if his prayer was being answered, he suddenly saw a familiar face walking out of a small apartment across the street. “shit,” he hissed, ducking over into the alley because he didn’t want to be seen yet. okay, stay calm. go over, just talk. if he gets buck, just show the glizzy. you won’t ever have to shoot. it won’t come to that.

that’s what he had to tell himself. 

peering around the corner, he waited for deshawn to get close enough to his car, then jumped out and yanked him into the alley. he fought back immediately, pushing z forcefully back into the brick wall and pulling out a knife. z’s heart thudded roughly, memories of his last encounter with a blade nearly freezing him. but then deshawn hesitated once he saw his face. he grinned. “well well, if it ain’t lil mr. ‘we ain’t interested’ zachariaz delphin. you here to talk shop big man?”

anger flooding him, z locked his jaw and pulled out his gun. he didn’t aim it, but he wanted deshawn to know he had it. “i came here for some answers, and ‘less you wanna know what it feel like to get shot in the gut close range, i’d provide those mu’fuckin’ answers.” 

this wasn’t who z was, but he was terrified. he was tired of living life looking over his shoulder, wondering when the other shoe was gonna drop. when would the shadow posse and the black spades stop trying to recruit him when they failed to do so? when would he start being seen as more of a threat than a benefit? the idea of trying to get his life together seemed impossible with his family history hanging over his head. he needed to know what the black spades had up their sleeves so that he could take care of it and move on with his life.

deshawn was not amused. “you think i’m scared of some lil kid?” he growled, puffing his chest out as if daring z to shoot him. “you ain’t no thug, delphin. your daddy wants to make you one, but now? you trippin.”

the way that deshawn kept mentioning his dad was weird. no one had seen his father in new york city since he left his family, as far as z knew. “yo, you keep talkin’ bout my dad this, my dad that. what’s up with that? did you know him? is he still alive? what is it?”

he laughed at this. “alive?” he scoffed, taking a step closer. z’s brows furrowed, pointing the gun directly at deshawn’s head and cocking it as he took a step back. “don’t fuckin’ move.” 

deshawn grinned, sliding his knife back into his pocket and crossing his arms over his chest. “boy, yo daddy ain’t just alive. i just came outta his crib.”

the weight of what was said lingered in the air. z didn’t believe it. “you lyin’,” he shook his head. “you sayin’ he’s alive, he still in brooklyn, and he still a spade? and we just ain’t know about it in over ten years? bullshit,” he waved the gun, as if reminding him that he would shoot if he had to, “tell me the fuckin’ truth my dude, i’m losin’ my patience. you said yourself i got his temper, so start fuckin’ actin like it.”

“how did i know that yo mama’s favorite pie was pecan? who do you think ordered me to take it over? who knew what date y’all do family cook outs in summer?” the puzzle pieces were coming together and it felt like z’s entire world was going up in flames. deshawn continued, hoping that he could persuade z to do what his boss wanted him to do. “when uly left y’all, the cops was on him crazy. he go by a different name now, but everyone in the hood know who he really be. he lays low. he had the chance to betray all’a the spades if he woulda cooperated w’ twelve, so when he didn’t, he was rewarded. they gave him a new life. the condition was, he couldn’t be sloppy. no one could know.”

this was not the answer z had expected. not even an answer that had crossed his mind. he had to consciously keep his voice level, his eyes dark as he kept the gun on deshawn while he spoke. “what does he want?”

“his family.”

“well it’s too mu’fuckin’ late for that. he shoulda thought about that shit before.” shaking his head, z took a step in, putting the gun to deshawn’s forehead for added measure, lowering his voice to an intimidating hum. “you tell anyone i was here, n’ i’mma come back here n’ weigh you down with a clip. you try to hide, i’mma find you. you try to rat, i’mma keep you quiet. feel me?” his arm lowered slowly, watching deshawn as he stood there with his hands up. 

“yeah yeah, baby delphin. run back to mama in the heights. come back when you ready to play with the big boys.”

and with that, z shoved the gun into his hoodie and headed back to his car. he knew that deshawn wouldn’t hurt him, not if his dad wanted him alive, if his dad was his boss. that means he’s even deeper in than he was before.

once he got into his car, he started shaking and breathing hard, his adrenaline finally starting to die as he put the car in drive and whipped out as fast as he could. he didn’t know where he was going, but he knew he had to get the hell out of there before he did something he would regret.