#Manifesting our babies to kick some masked butts

[theflyindutchwoman]

HAPPY ROOKIE & CHENFORD DAY! I feel like we're all going to need a hug by the end of this episode… that is, if we make it to the end! See you on the other side besties.

[the-mamas-project]

The MAMAS Project - Steph

A mother’s intuition. Truthfully, it’s something I hadn’t thought about in a while, and definitely something I didn’t access wholly until I had my second child. My first’s entry into life was paralleled with a deep identity crisis and newness, and I think I masked any intuition I had (mostly) with a false confidence, rather than a true confidence in my ability.

When I went to meet up with our May participant, one of the first things she said to me was that she had made two firm promises to herself pre-baby: trust her gut, and not to have mom guilt. And I can’t help but think, that the two really go hand in hand. Because, if you can trust your gut wholly, or at least mostly, perhaps then you can trust the moments you take for yourself, are needed and not guilty pleasures.

Moments of wisdom, and aha’s are not rare when you’re in conversation with Stephanie Jhala. In fact, I found myself repeatedly saying, I totally agree, or oh my god yes, when I met with the new mom in Richmond BC. She is not just reflective, but also tirelessly positive, a refreshing perspective when so much of mom’ing can be complaints…husband, sleep, personal space. The mom troubles can go on if you let them. And Steph doesn’t deny that those exist, she just simply tries to let them go and choose a different perspective. In fact, she has experienced some of the greatest woes that a mother can have, even in the short time she has been one.

Steph comes from this beautifully diverse family. Her mother is Indonesian, her father is East Indian and they met in North America. As a child, Steph travelled the world with her adventurous mother and sisters, while her father stayed back in Canada, holding down the fort. Not your typical dynamic, but one that has created a family of strong and worldly women.

“I always thought as a kid, my mom is so brave, I guess I’ll be brave too when I grow up. She was never shy or afraid to explore new places she knew nothing about; her friendly demeanor always opened doors no matter where we were. We would travel to mostly developing countries, and not necessarily the safest ones, so we could experience what it was like to be in other parts of the world. I’m a good mix of my dad and my mom: I’m responsible like my dad, with a big appetite for adventure like my mom. And over the past recent years I’ve trained myself to have an expanded tolerance for risk. I wasn’t always like that, I used to be a perfectionist that always played it safe. But the pressure of perfection caused too much stress; it was detrimental for my health. So I worked hard on cultivating the qualities I felt would serve me best. In my late 20’s I did a lot of personal growth stuff; much of which paralleled the philosophies my Hindu-Buddhist parents and grandparents instilled in me, but had not been ready to listen to until now. I truly questioned how I wanted to be in the world.”

A year and a half before becoming a mother, Steph took a good look at redefining success. Success no longer looked like logging long days in the office or climbing up the corporate ladder. In anticipation of starting a family, success looked like taking care of her body so that it was in the best shape to grow a baby, living a truly balanced life of adventure, downtime and aligning work with passion.  So she made the shift from the corporate world to building a flexible life as a consultant, helping businesses with a social or environmental mission.

“There is this view in North America that working longer and harder, means you’re more accomplished, but in many parts of the world like the Nordics, they recognize that burnout is detrimental and balance brings greater productivity and happiness.  With wanting career and family, I decided to get creative to design a life I really wanted to live.”

Steph was well into this journey of self-discovery when she and her husband decided to start trying. They got pregnant right away. Steph began researching and meditating on the type of mother she wanted to be.

“Before I had Aria, I made a rule to not have mom guilt. I was reading a lot of forums and I was like, WOW mom guilt is real! I thought, it doesn’t serve me and it doesn’t serve my baby. Despite not knowing all the answers, I’m always going to try my best and figure it out. If I don’t treat myself well, then how can I expect my daughter to learn self-worth? It’s been a really interesting experience discovering my own intuition.  I think I was an intuitive child, as many of us are, but then I lost that inner trust as I grew up.  I became very intellectual as a teenager, very fact-based, I wanted scientific evidence for everything. Motherhood is a real opportunity: I could read all the books in the world (and they are very useful), but when it comes down to it, I’m just going to trust my gut. Moms have done this for millions of years, and babies have survived, and animals don’t have classes, they just innately know what to do.”

Her intuition kicked in during her pregnancy, when everyone around her guessed she was having a boy, yet she felt deep within her that she was having a girl. And her father agreed.

“My father had a dream that she was a girl, and not just any girl, but an indigo child. I didn’t know what that meant, and put aside my airy-fairy preconceptions. An indigo or blue-ray child comes to this earth with a mission, a humanitarian mission, and she chose me as her mother, to train her to fulfill on this. I didn’t know if I believed in all these things, but if it’s true, then great, because I’ve already dedicated my life to making a difference - and have plans to raise my mini-me’s to do the same.”

Steph and her husband had a healthy pregnancy and planned for a home birth, that went smoothly until the end.

“When she came out she was limp and not breathing. We were encouraging her, come on baby girl you got this, take your first breath, you can do this, mommy and daddy are here for you. An extremely rare occurrence: her umbilical cord got pinched between her shoulder and the birth canal in the last couple of pushes. I was told blue-ray beings have a hard time entering this world, and many don’t make it past birth. Our amazing doula opens our apartment door for the paramedics, I am butt naked on the floor delivering the placenta, as my incredible midwives perform CPR on our little angel. We get rushed to the hospital in separate ambulances. No time or space for panic. This is the moment where all my training, since I was a child, of meditation and mind over matter needed to kick in. And it did. I deliberately chose not to assume the worst, and went with what’s happening, moment to moment. In this moment, my baby IS ALIVE, and my gut tells me everything is going to be ok. We had a healthy pregnancy and I have a healthy baby. She just needs a little help waking up. I chose to stay in that mindset, instead of, oh my god my baby might die…which also was a possibility.”

She really could have died, but Steph thought, 

“How do I want this story to end? If I truly could manifest my future, a concept I dismissed as hippy-dippy growing up, this was the most important moment for it to work.”

The stay in the hospital NICU was really hard: a blur of doctors, nurses, pumping milk around the clock, not being able to hold her baby, recovering from a physically demanding labour and very little rest. She was told her baby was the sickest baby in the unit, challenging her decisions leading up to the birth.

“We experienced so many different views at the hospital. Depending on who was on the shift, we felt totally supported or totally judged. Some blamed me for having a home birth, or being 18 days overdue and not inducing the baby to come out earlier. Should I have felt ashamed of my choices?”

But Steph was armed with the research she had done pre-birth, stuck with her gut and stood confidently by her decisions and birth team. Later confirmed, this freak accident would have happened regardless of delivering at home or in hospital, on her due date or past.

“The average first time baby is born at 40 weeks and 10 days. So when baby was just over a week past what’s actually normal, we were still within a safe timeframe. I trust my body and my baby, and I wanted to let nature take its course. Medical interventions can do miraculous things, like saving lives. But at the same time, our bodies can do miraculous things too so why not trust it rather than assume that it’s too dangerous, too painful or too risky.”

Steph is 35, and I wonder while I am interviewing her, if her confidence is reflective of her age. I think this may play a role in her strength of character, but I think too that she is special like that. I remind myself not to feel envious that I didn’t have that same certainty when I was a new mom, and I am comforted to hear that even she struggles with the changes post baby. And also deals with mom guilt.

“You just can’t know what it’s like until you have one. All of a sudden this baby enters your world. I felt this extreme joy and love, but also a real devastation, like I’ve lost my own life. I had no idea how all consuming a baby would be. From being someone that was so active to being at home, was really hard, isolating and to be honest, boring. I feel bad for watching Netflix. I feel bad for not reading to my baby everyday. I feel bad for feeling bad. Ha ha, the mom guilt can be endless. It’s a daily thing. But I get to choose to put the guilt aside and (with a lot of reminders from my husband) know that I’m doing a great job.”

I was so excited to interview Steph, because beyond all the things we discuss, the Steph I knew just a bit of outside of motherhood, is a dynamic and strong female voice, and founder of a girl gang. And I was anxious to see how that would translate to raising a baby girl. I couldn’t have been more relieved and pleased when I immediately identified in our conversation a running theme of: you got this. 

We really do. Deep down inside, if we just allow ourselves to listen, we know what to do for our families and we can choose our mindset and approach.

“Like all other human beings, I have moments of feeling crappy. People sometimes say that my posts on social media are inspiring. I don’t want to create a false impression, like I never struggle, but I also don’t want to perpetuate complaints or reasons why life sucks. My sad story won’t get me anywhere. Through the clouds, my daughter will grow up knowing she can chose empowerment, stand by her gut and brave anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that comes her way.”

Written + Photographed by Jena 

Edited + Formatted by Sarah