#My melons are realsies

[yugogeer012]

is that true?

No

This is clearly photoshopped

[swampstew]

KillerCook Chapter 12

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

TGIFF – thank goodness its fuckin Friday! A long and exhausting week now behind you after a delicious late-afternoon nap, you can finally get your weekend going! First things first, phone. No better feeling than laying snug in bed and scrolling. Snug as a bug in a rug, want a hug?

Laughing to yourself at the internal rhyme, your carefree tone drops as anguish roils in your stomach. There are several notifications on your screen banner. But the one that makes you feel like you’re going to scream is the notification for KillerCook going live.

An hour and a half ago.

You take measured breaths as you robotically punch in your passcode and open the app, praying to any deity willing to help to keep you from missing a chance at seeing them.

Your reasons for breathing.

For going on each grueling day.

You suck in air as the app connects to your internet, only to let out a whimpering sigh of relief when you see the live is still going.

‘KillerCook is live: Kid Pirates BACA it up!!’

“GODS THEY’RE SO FUCKING COOL AND AMAZING!!!!” you squeal into your pillows. Giddily kicking your feet into the rumpled sheets, you press the volume button to its highest setting.

“Gang, thanks so much, take a moment and give yourself a shoulder pat. We’ve been live for nearly two hours and we met the donation goal in the first 50 minutes. I’ve never had to improv so much in my [redacted] life!!” the head chef gushed to the camera. “We really appreciate the enthusiasm to see us strip down and crush things in support of our biker crew chapter. Each donation means a lot not only to us but to the people its going to help.”

“Now the finale you’ve all been waiting for,” Killer teased as he and the others began to dress down into the dangerously skin tight swim trunks they wore under their respective pants.

“The big squeeze! To recap, our highest donors would get the privilege of having their user name on the melon as we squeeze them between our thighs. Who should start?”

The app notifications were pinging so fast that it sounded like the alarm itself was having a stroke.

“You can’t vote for me all 4 times,” Kid rolled his eyes, “Try again and actually follow directions!”

After an unsatisfactory stalemate, Kid made the executive decision to direct the line up. Wire was the first man to squeeze his melon.

Wire’s swim pants left nothing to the imagination, probably a bit more than he intended as he wrapped his towel around his pelvis and lower stomach.

A round, plump watermelon sat snug in his lap, the lucky patron – NightmareBeforeAugust.

“Hope your head doesn’t pop for realsies,” Wire winked before making overdramatic stretching motions. Properly limber, he adjusted his seat crossing his calves over each other as the melon began to develop bumps and tears on the skin.

Clasping his hands shut and locking his ankles tight, Wire squeezed his thighs again causing the watermelon to split vertically. Juice sprayed and splattered across his lap and chest, little chunks of melon lightly hit his face from the force.

“Juicy,” Wire laughed.

Heat was the next victim. He wore slightly looser fitting swim trunks that came down mid-thigh. His toned legs were still visible exposing his thorny vine tattoos extended down his thighs stopping at the knee.

Pulling his hair back in a loose bun, Heat lowered safety glasses over his eyes and pulled a travel-sized bottle of tajín from his pocket.

“Really, Heat?”

“What? A man has needs.”

Doing a quick stretch routine, Heat nestled the watermelon in between his thighs. The patron, SlapMyMass_ND_CallMe, was inked across the fruit with bright silver marker.

“Hey is it cheating if I’m holding it with my hands? I just wanna make sure it doesn’t slide out or anything,” Heat asked.

“Heat is weak you heard it here first folks!” Kid crowed in the background, the sunny rays bouncing off his aviator sunglasses. Heat threw a bottle of sun lotion at the redhead.

“Only if you don’t use your hands to actually break it. I don’t know, I would say its fine but we’d need to see your watermelon up close and personal.”

Moving the camera so it was right in front of Heat, “Ok viewers, call his ass out if he cheats!”

Wire was barking with laughter, “OI! JaneyM1098 says: ‘If I’m seeing his ass I’m staying friggin silent, no one snitch!!!!’”

That made Kid and Killer roar with laughter. Heat looked unimpressed with everyone.

Clearing his throat, Heat adjusted himself until he was seated in a yoga position, commonly known as the boat pose. Balancing on his sitting bones, Heat clasped the watermelon vertically in his hands, bringing them to the upper part of his thighs just before the knees.

 Hooking his ankles together quickly, Heat applied an immense amount of pressure that made the watermelon practically crumble between his thighs. Pulp and juice coats his hands and thighs – to which he grabbed his tajín powder and started lightly coating his hands.

“Heat not on camera Jesus!” Kid grimaced as the bluette licked his hands clean.

“Eat my shorts.”

“No [redacted] thanks.”

“Kid you’re up,” Killer threw a towel at the redhead’s face.

Eustass Kid has muscles for days.

His body a never ending river of waves, channels, and dips from the contours of his physique. The perfect amount of muscle to body fat ratio, a near perfect human specimen. Wearing a deep red bathing suit that really should be considered just briefs – they were a snug fit.

“I’ll bust this melon in less than 30 seconds,” Kid proudly boasted, lightly tossing his watermelon in the air. “Hey CraftyBitchNextDoor, I last way longer than that,” he winked at the camera, making the others groan.

Dropping to the ground, Kid leaned at an incline while raising his legs in the air. Putting the melon between his thighs, Kid put his arms behind his head and stuck his tongue out at the camera.

The watermelon put up no resistance as Kid’s thighs squished it, making the melon pop as the red flesh oozed from the rind and all over his body. Juice squirted out and hit his chest, running down to his lap and red chunks of flesh pooled with it as he laid back, proud of his accomplishment.

“That was 8 seconds babe!” Kid his hand up with the sign of the horns, waving it back and forth.

The notifications were beginning to buzz over the music.

“Ok these comments are way too horny for chat, you’re all perverts!” Wire admonished the viewers. “Killer let’s wrap this up, I can’t even say the things I want to say without your audience going [redacted] feral. Suffice to say, I want to shower up and clean this juice off me!”

“Oi don’t rush me, this is my show!” the blonde scoffed, peeling off his sweaty white stringer tank top. Sitting on the floor, Killer rolled the watermelon between his palms as if he was checking to find the fruit’s weak point.

Facing the melon forward so the top donator’s name was easy to see, “- _LickMeImUrLollipop thank you for being one of the most generous people that’s supported this channel. You’re donation was so large I almost wanted to deny it. I feel like I need to pay you back or something,” he chuckled.

“Ohh shit she answered!” Heat called out excitedly. “If you wanna make me dinner as thanks I wouldn’t be opposed.” Letting out a wolf howl, “Killer’s got a hot date!”

“Shut up Heat!” Killer’s neck was flushed red. “Hmmm we’ll talk Lollipop. For now, I’m gonna squish your melon. In the name of Bikers Against Child Abuse!” Killer placed the melon between his thighs.

“I hope you join us for another charity stream in the future y’all. You’ve impressed us so much and we know of a ton of places that can use help from people like you.”

Without further flair, Killer slammed his thighs together making the watermelon burst and fly apart. As red juice and flesh rained around the TikTok influencer, he took a moment to flex his biceps for the camera.

“Yeah, I did that. I slayed that!” Killer chuckled again. “Ok, I’ve getting too silly which means its time to say goodbye,” he stood up with his friends surrounding him.

“I love you all, catch you next time! This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Live has ended.

Bonus: Pinned Post

KillerCook: Charities, non-profits, and other organizations near and dear to our hearts. Please consider donating, sharing the links, or spreading the word of these organizations to help them meet their goals.

Bikers Against Child Abuse - https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=NW3T5W7Z66U8E

Planned Parenthood - https://www.weareplannedparenthood.org/onlineactions/2U7UN1iNhESWUfDs4gDPNg2?sourceid=1000063

One Click for Palestine - https://arab.org/click-to-help/palestine/

UNRWA - https://donate.unrwa.org/-landing-page/en_EN

Grassroots International - https://grassrootsonline.org/donate/

Jewish Voice for Peace - https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/contribute/?sourceid=1002270

The Trevor Project - https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/contribute/?sourceid=1002270

Point of Pride - https://www.pointofpride.org/donate

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

[cuntstable]

in regards to lrb i do vividly remember being allowed to watch whatever my mom was watching as a kid including all the 2000s horror movies and vampire dramas/romances (my mom was in her evanescence vampire era <3) and like some of it looked scary sure as a kid but mostly i just remember being confused at english speaking movies so id just sit and look at the visuals imagining shit for realsies Coco Melon style. i think this was fine for my development btw

[sand-worms]

Illuso aaaand trish for the ask game :)

o7 okie dokie

Illuso

-do I like them: the “liking Illuso out of spite” to “liking Illuso for realsies” pipeline is real

-5 good qualities:

1. Very observant! He’s canonically got notes on all of bucciaratti’s group aside from Giorno so obviously he’s good at what he does, and what he does requires him to observe people most likely, given his stand ability and such.

2. Seems to be very self-confident, though I guess whether that confidence is real or a front he puts up is up to interpretation.

3. Illuso sucks so bad what do I even say about him. His hair is pretty and I want to braid it.

4. I promise I have better thoughts about Illuso when I’m actually awake. Uh. Damn Diavolo your mirror based assassin is gnc as fuck.

5. Dresses like he would be good to take a nap on. Thotty little memory foam mattress.

-3 bad qualities:

1. Overly cocky and pompous, likely drives people away from him because of it.

2. Seems like he can’t mind his own business, needs to know about everyone around him but they can’t know about him.

3. Also seems to be combative just for fun? Seems to like to push Formaggio’s buttons just because he can (at least from the anime)

-favorite episode: the one that he shows up in :) not many to pick from here!

-otp: honestly! I don’t really get into shipping outside of stuff like my friends selfships so I don’t really ship him with anyone

-brotp: would be cool to see him interacting with like… Melone maybe. I do think his friendship with Formaggio would be fun to explore.

-ot3: *******

-notp: illuabba fucking sucks man

-best quote: the part in the Netflix subtitles for vento aureo where he just like flat out says sorbet and gelato have fucked it’s really funny to me.

-head canon: he likes to play rain or ocean sounds quietly while he sleeps. He has a white noise machine specifically for traveling.

TRISH!! <3

-do I like them: YEAS <3

-5 good qualities:

1. Very smart and logically minded! I get the sense that she’s very quietly observant and things just make sense to her idk

2. Genuinely kind and caring once she starts to warm up to people a little!

3. Seems like she’s also typically very decisive. I don’t think she would debate her decisions much.

4. Her stand is really unique and interesting and I wish she would’ve kept that initial sentience she seemed to have

5. I like that she sort of stands up for herself and demands answers to things when she deserves them does this make sense. Like she seems like she doesn’t let people push her around.

-3 bad qualities

1. Seems to lash out and get bossy when she’s uncomfortable or scared

2. Literally initially just a plot device and doesn’t get a TON of character development like she deserves

3. She’s 15 and her outfit looks like that.

-favorite episode: I like the part where she’s in the elevator with Bucciarati. I wish she had gotten more focus during that part and had gotten a flashback sequence like everyone else. The BIG fight is good too.

-otp: I don’t ship her with anyone

-brotp: her and Giorno or her and Mista :) Also I’ll take any opportunity I can to push my Trish and Ghiaccio friendship agenda. I think they would’ve been friends.

-ot3: 🚫

-notp: her and anyone in bucciarati’s group. Except for like Giorno I guess since they’re the same age but DONT be fucking weird about it.

-best quote: everything she says in the whole series idk :) I like the part though where she talks about knowing that her dad sucks and was gonna kill her tbh like. Real.

-head canon: I think she’d be really good at sudoku puzzles. I think they just make sense to her and come very easily to her.

[renwritesstuff]

Tag Time

Tagged by @fishbone76

Rules: answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better

Name: Online and on Xbox/PS4 I go by fahRENheit. For realsies, my name is Diana.

Nickname: Ren

Zodiac sign: Aquarius

Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff

Height: 5′8″ (172cm)

Sexual orientation: Ace spectrum Demisexual (just my husband)

Ethnicity: Just... super white. Mainly Czech and Polish ancestry.

Fave fruit: Apples

Fave season: WINTER!!! ...Summer in Texas is too hot and lasts too long ;_;

Fave book series: Harry Potter

Fave fictional characters: Superman, Commander Shepard, Wynonna Earp

Fave flowers: I don’t have a fav one, they are all lovely

Fave scent: cucumber melon, my husband’s cologne

Fave animal(s): Raccoons, sheep, dogs

Fave band: I’m not a big Music Person. All time favorite band is Lifehouse, though I also like the Doves and Krewella. Otherwise, I mostly just listen to EDM and stuff with little band loyalty.

Coffee, tea, hot chocolate: The answer USED to be hot chocolate, but in my old age I have started drinking coffee regularly. I do not care for tea.

Average hours of sleep: According to my Fitbit, around 7 hours

Number of blankets: Summer = 1, Winter = 2 (my heavy comforter and usually a flannel blanket on top for kitties to sleep on me)

Dream trip: I very much want to go Scuba diving in Hawaii and at the Great Barrier Reef since we worked so hard to get so many diving certifications. That would be super rad. And Japan.

Last thing I googled: Uh “height in cm” to answer a question on this thing ^_^; Before that it was “what type of lightbulb for front porch” because I was at Lowe’s last night looking for a replacement bulb. Exciting shit, guys.

How many blogs I follow: 669 apparently. 

Number of followers: 498 total across 3 blogs, though I’m sure there’s some overlap so that number is definitely lower. My primary blog has the most with 215 followers.

What I usually post about: On this blog I reblog a LOT of Mass Effect, usually fanart I think is pretty or stuff I write. I also have a general Primary blog that does Dragon Age, Overwatch or shit I find funny. I also have a Wynonna Earp sideblog where I reblog funny WE things or fanfic I’m writing there.

Do I get asks regularly: Not at all. I’m frankly impressed when anyone asks/tags me about anything.