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ftkrotec · 5 years

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The Devastation of "M"

Disclaimer: The statistics that I provide are based on articles and accounts that I have come across over the past five years. I have not confirmed all of the figures and do not have citations for most of them. Further, I have rounded them off for ease and reference. However, some simple research through the various organizations that specialize in mental health (i.e. NIMH, NAMI, etc) will confirm that the statistics above are more or less accurate. Further, as I mentioned in my previous post on similar issues, I do not claim to be an expert or educated in this area. I am just providing my own insight into these issues and provide some personal experiences. Speaking of these personal experiences, the accounts I reference below are based on my personal observations experiences with individuals, with whom I am intimately familiar (myself included), suffering from some of these conditions. As to not betray any confidence nor violate anyone’s privacy, I have taken the liberty of altering some information including names and inconsequential facts or details. Since my sample is limited, these accounts are not likely an accurate representation of the millions who suffer from mental health conditions of varying types and severities. Nevertheless, I know that my experiences are unlikely unique and I intend to share those experiences with the hope that it helps people better understand these conditions and, maybe even, help someone seek out the help that they so desperately need.

Imagine there is an illness, or more accurately a collection of conditions and disorders. Let’s call it “M.” Imagine that over the next 12 months, one in every five people will suffer symptoms of M. Imagine that one in four of those suffering have or will develop a substance abuse problem. Imagine 60% of those diagnosed with M are, for one reason or another, unable to get treatment of any kind. Imagine that teenagers and young adults are not only more susceptible to M, but also more likely to add to M's fatality totals. Imagine that uncontrollable factors like one's sex and race correlate with even lower rates of treatment of M symptoms. Would you consider that a problem worth our collective attention? Do you think that something should be done about this M? What if I told you that sufferers of M live 30% shorter lives? Well, M is real. The above statistics reflect the prevalence of Mental Health Disorders here in America.

Before discussing anything further, we are in need of definitions. So, what is "mental health?" According to WHO, mental health is "a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community." It is important to note that the simple lack or absence of a disorder does not, by itself, mean one has positive mental health. I would also imagine that this is the case for the inverse as well, but that is not relevant to my discussion today. What is relevant is understanding the importance of mental health. The definition, itself, is like a checklist of the benefits of mental health. Mental health brings an understanding of our own abilities and keeps us rooted in the realities of life. It allows us to cope with stress, rather than crumbling under its weight. It ensures that we remain productive and fruitful, rather than ineffective and wasteful. It, also, enables our participation and contribution to our own communities. Though not an exhaustive list of benefits, it is easy to see why maintaining mental health is important.

Now that we know what Mental Health is, what is M? That is, what is a Mental Health Disorder? Well, the simplest definition is any disorder affecting mood, thinking, or behavior. So, this would include well-known conditions like Depression and Schizophrenia, as well as, more obscure conditions like Apotemnophilia and Capgras Syndrome. Regardless of the condition, these disorders are quite prevalent. Further, given the low numbers of those who receive treatment for their conditions, it is not unreasonable to assume that there may be unidentified people living with these conditions, suggesting that the true statistics may even be higher than that 20%. Regardless, even at 20%, the laws of statistics would suggest that, even if you are luckily enough to be in the majority of people without a diagnosable condition, someone close to you is suffering from one, be it family, friend, colleague, teammate, etc. As such, chances are that one or more Mental Health Conditions will affect or have affected each and every one of our lives.

With the definitions out of the way, I can now focus on what led me to write this post.

Recently, I found myself listening to someone talking. This individual is a first responder and recently had a run in with a pretty gruesome death. This conversation seemingly triggered an emotional response and she demonstrated the anxiety that I have seen coincide with my previous experiences with PTSD. I found myself surprised by this. Not because she was likely suffering from a Mental Health Condition, but because of the lack of attention and concern she, and her friends that she was sharing with, had for her symptoms. As she went on, I was, further, alarmed for the seemingly lack of support provided by her employer, especially considering the trauma that is, for lack of a better word, more commonplace than in other occupations. Playing Devil’s Advocate on behalf of the employer, this lack of support may have been due to her refusal to request or avail herself to services and options that the employer does have in place. Nevertheless, it appeared to me she was not seeking and had not received any help with her apparent PTSD. As a third party to this conversation, I did not probe or inquire further. Perhaps I should have, but then again, was it my place to hijack her attempts to share her experiences with her loved ones? I don’t know. But, I did not.

That experience led me to ask some questions to myself not only about my own Mental Health but also how we, as a society, handle Mental Health Issues. It also led me to seek out answers concerning Mental Health, answers to questions that I could not answer myself. Further, it motivated me to compose this post and to share some personal experiences of my own struggles with and my experiences in witnessing others struggle with some Mental Health Conditions. As I mentioned above in the disclaimer, I am not an expert on this and my experiences are admittedly limited. However, my hope is that my words lead someone or perhaps several someones to ask themselves questions and seek answers about Mental Health, much like the first responder’s story did for me.

My first real experiences with Mental Health Conditions came in High School. Unaware at the time, I had a classmate, well probably more than just one, who was desperately struggling with Depression. I can look back now and see the evidence was clear as day. The withdrawal from her friends and other relationships and sudden and drastic shift in his attitude and interests should have been glaring signs to her friends, family, teachers, and even classmates, like myself. However, I am sure, much like myself, most if not all of them rationalized these signs as something else, like a it being “just a phase,” or just did not know any better and, therefore, did not notice these signs. If her life were a Hollywood movie, something would have happened, which we would have taught us all a valuable lesson about Mental Health and she would get the help she needed with the help of her friends and family. However, that is not what happened. Though she, unlike many others with similar struggles, found a way through her struggles, eventually sought out the help she needed, and, now years later, she appears to be living a much healthier life, I cannot help but wonder how different her life could have been if she got the help she clearly needed back in high school. Nevertheless, that experience helped me understand the importance of being aware of the signs and how seeking help can improve one’s life.

Several years later, I got a much closer look at how Depression can affect someone. A close friend of mine had a hard time coping with the effects of Depression. His depression led him to struggle with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. Unlike my previous experience, my proximity to him and his struggles were very enlightening. Further, it taught me many things about Depression and how to deal with it as a friend and loved one of the one struggling with it. Of the many things I learned, the hardest for me was taking care of myself. Seeing his struggles, I could not help, but do everything I could to help him. However, this just led me to neglecting my own needs and my own life. I found myself so concerned with “abandoning” him, that my school life and work life began to suffer. Not only was this obviously unhealthy and bad for me, but also I found myself doing more harm than good to his Mental Health. I learned that I was actually adding to his anxiety as he began to notice my issues and to blame himself for them. Further, as my neglect of my needs worsened, my ability to be supportive of him also worsened, as my patience and willingness to listen to his problems and concerns began to run out. So, I had to find a balance in how I was living my life, in order to be the friend that he needed. Looking back, it still surprises me how much easier things got once I found that balance.

Not long after that experience, I had my first encounter with someone’s struggles with PTSD. I had a close friend who was quite a bit older than me and chose to enlist in the military. In all honesty, he was likely driven more by a sense of rebellion than a sense of civic duty to do so, but he took the opportunity head on. His experience in the military was mostly good. He had a few bad experiences due to some toxic masculinity, but overall he enjoyed his experience and made the most of it. I had always seen him as emotionally strong and he was always there for me growing up. So much so, I idolized him for his strength and will. However, having will-power and strength does not make you immune to a Mental Health Condition. During one of his deployments, his unit was attacked and he lost several friends. This experience weighed on him. To this day, he still struggles with PTSD stemming from the deployment. I have also learned that there he suffered a history of depression and battled eating disorders, not to mentioned survived sexual abuse, all ocurring before he enlisted that I never knew about. All of these things came to a head in the years following that deployment. Living miles away in another state and without the connection we once had, I watched him, fueled by a desire to escape and forget, turn to drugs and alcohol. However, as many of us know, substance abuse is not a solution and it just developed into another problem, another struggle, addiction. To witness someone I admire so much and thought to be invincible, falling to such a low was a very scary and humbling experience for me. It was a strong dose of reality for me, learning two things. One, we all wear masks and, to a certain extent, hide our feelings. Just because someone looks fine and healthy, there is no telling the demons and the struggles lying just below the surface. And second, we are all human and Mental Health is important for each and every one of us. As such, we can all find ourselves struggling with something sometimes.

This leads me to speak with my own issues and my experiences with Depression. Several years ago, I found myself struggling with Depression. In all reality, I may have been dealing with it for longer, but it was then when it became apparent to me. From my previous exposure to Depression, I knew its symptoms. However, I quickly found that, like many things in life, knowing something is not the same as experiencing it. For me, I first noticed the lack of energy. I have never been what one might call “active” or even “energetic.” In fact, I was always a bit lazy and would often actively avoid activity. However, this was a lot more than that. It wasn’t that I did not want to do something, it was more of an inability or a distinct lack of impetus to do even small and simple tasks. There would be days that I would just literally lay in bed all day, missing school and/or work. Hell, I would not get up to eat or drink, or even use the bathroom.

Seemingly paired with the energy symptoms was the sleep disturbances. As anyone who has suffered a disruption to their sleep cycle or has a sleep disorder can attest, the seemingly contradictory mix of inability to fall asleep and oversleeping will interfere with everything in your life. The hours of sleeplessness from the insomnia leaves you tired and less responsive, inherently affecting your performance at work and school. Meanwhile the intermittent oversleeping obviously interferes with your timeliness and attendance at work, school, and even social activities. Further, they also combine to frustrate your day-to-day activities and schedules. For example, my eating habits had to drastically shift, while experiencing these symptoms, from sleeping through meals and having a “fourth” mealtime because I was awake for an additional 6 or 7 hours.

Soon after this and probably coupled with the frustrations of those symptoms, I started developing the more apparent emotional symptoms. I started to find myself irritable and tense, which inevitably led to frustratingly angry outbursts over meaningless things and, even, more restlessness exacerbating the sleep issues I was already having. Further, the sadness and the lows also became apparent. For those you haven’t suffered from the lows associated with Depression and other similar conditions, it can be difficult to understand this sadness. It's more than just feeling down or unhappy. It carries with it an existential feeling of dread and despair. It isn’t something that requires some “cheering up” or can be overcome with simple laughter. The feeling is deeper and almost sourceless. As you sink into this fathomless darkness, it isn't that you cannot see a way back to the light, it is that there isn’t one. This dread much like the other symptoms quickly leads to more symptoms.

As I felt lost in this abyss, I quickly found myself losing interest and pleasure in the things I most enjoyed. For those of you who do not know me, I am a cinephile, a lover of films and the theater experience. During episodes of Depression, I lost any desire to watch films, even the films that I love to watch over and over again lost their appeal. I am also an avid gamer, but even those mildly addictive escapes from reality had no pull on my interest. Even when doing these hobbies, I would find myself distracted and just going through the motions. My favorite things provide me with no comfort or release. Even my social interactions would suffer. Being distracted and not engaged when socializing with friends and even losing any interest or enjoyment of our more basic desires and needs.

Last but certainly not least for me, came the feelings of worthlessness or guilt. I found myself stuck in my own head fixating on my failures and finding ways to blame myself for anything and everything. These feelings just lead to even less enjoyment of activities, more despair, more sleep issues, and less energy. All of these things just compound and build upon you until you start to kind of feel numb. Nothing really matters or means anything anymore, a feeling of pure apathy, which, at least for me, leads to a desire to feel anything. Joy, sadness, and even pain. It is here where things feel the most hopeless. Even though it is here where I witness others turn to substance abuse, self-harm, and other destructive habits, I have found that this is often the stage where I find myself the most safe. Here at the bottom of the abyss, I know things cannot get much worse. Though I know many never find their way out of this abyss, I find that hitting this bottom serves as a bit of a trigger forcing me to go the only way I can go back up.

The happiness and euphoria of feeling again and beginning to enjoy activities again begins to feel you with seemingly endless hope. However, this hope is a honey trap. For as many times I have ridden this wave to restore myself to a healthy and positive Mental Health statutes, I have just as many times slipped and fallen down the slide back to the abyss. It is at this stage that things I feel are the most dangerous. Because when I slip back into the abyss, I find myself pondering two things. These two things occupy my mind for virtually every waking moment. Those two things are: Was this fall always inevitable? and What was the point of making the climb? When at the top, it is easy to say “No” and find a reason for the climb. But when that despair and hopelessness returns, my mind’s answers to those questions quickly become “Yes” and “There isn’t one.” It is then when I feel completely subsumed by the deepest and darkest darkness.

Because I am both very introverted and very introspective, I often seek out answers on my own. “Seeking out others is uncomfortable and I know no one knows me like I do, so why would I share my questions and thoughts. Besides, others have their own stuff to deal with.” It is this internal dialog that often keeps me from reaching out and speaking about my feelings. Also, growing up as a male in 1990’s America certainly didn’t dissuade this kind of thinking. Hell, I struggle admitting to myself that there might be a problem. However, I have learned that this darkness can become very overwhelming very quickly, as there is no outlet or venting of these feelings if you refuse to seek help.

Much like I learned when trying to help my friend with his Depression, I learned that I need to take steps to take care of myself. For me and for many, the first step to taking care of yourself is to ask for help. Finding someone who will listen and be supportive of me during my slides, while at the bottom, and especially during the climb. However, I know that I cannot stop there. Even at the top, I must take steps, continue to work on being healthy, and being willing to seek help. For me, even though I am currently in a healthy state, I know that Depression and the threat of the abyss will always be something I struggle with. The struggle in remembering that “maybe the fall was inevitable.” However, when I do, I know I need to find a way to remind myself or, better yet, find someone who will help remind me that there is always a point to making the climb, you just have to find it. At least, that is the way I see it.

P.S. I know that it is my hubris to think that anybody reads my posts. Nevertheless, if you have read this and you are experiencing any of this, or, perhaps, you find yourself on the slide, in the abyss, or on the climb, please talk to somebody, you do not have to do it alone. There are so many resources available for those willing to look for them. If you need help finding one, PM me and I will help you find one. I know it can feel like there is nobody willing to listen or nobody who cares, but I assure you that there is and they do. I am one of them.

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