#Oh yeah Happy National Boyfriend Day to these gay idiots

[accelerandy15]

Hello Aiyuu/ Yuuai nation💛💙 Made a gift for u lovely peeps 💙

[alarawriting]

Inktober 2020 #3: Bulky

The entity scowled, tapping his (its? Their?) foot impatiently. “I told you, you get to bring one thing.”

Sara smiled brightly at him. “This is one thing. My garden.”

Ganymede looked down at her, his expression even more supercilious than usual. “Do you honestly think I’m going to allow an entire garden as one thing?”

Sara sat down on the tree stump. Part of her still couldn’t believe she’d lost the house, that all of this – the tree stump her father had cut down to prevent the wind from knocking it onto the house, the tire swing he’d put up for her, Mom’s rose trellises all around the house and the herb patch she’d had Sara weeding and tending from the age of 5, the screened-in porch, the attic bedroom – all would be gone in a matter of weeks. The bank would take it, and sell it to someone who would probably destroy everything her parents had built to make the place special and unique, and she would never see any of this ever again.

She’d thought Ganymede’s offer would allow her to take at least a part of her home with her, but he was balking.

“When you think about it, can we describe anything as just one thing?” she asked. “Everything we have is made of molecules, which are made of atoms, which are made of quarks. We’re all a multiplicity. We all have legions contained within us. So how is a garden not ‘one thing’ but, say, if I wanted to bring a bicycle, that would be ‘one thing’ even though it’s made of so many things?”

Ganymede’s expression went from deeply irritated to reluctantly amused, and he chuckled. “A nice argument, but no. Your garden’s too bulky. It can neither transport you, nor can it be carried around with you.”

“You never said there was a weight limit.”

“It’s not a weight limit. If you wanted to bring a car, you could. I don’t advise it, but you could.”

“Are any of the others bringing a car?” Sara asked.

Now Ganymede laughed. “Tsk, tsk. I told you I wouldn’t tell you anything about what the others are choosing.”

Ganymede – who appeared to be a tall, slender man with pale skin and curly green hair, like he was some kind of comic book character, and who claimed to be a very bored alien with godlike powers who was taking human form so that he could interact with Sara – had showed up at the café Sara waitressed at, three weeks ago, and was apparently very impressed with Sara’s ability to put up with entitled idiots and even get them to calm down and do what they were supposed to do. He’d ordered cherry pie and asked her if she’d ever wanted to travel into the past, and when Sara had pointed out that in the past, she would have had her rights severely curtailed because she was a woman, he’d asked, what if she could bring one thing from this time, one thing in her possession?

Sara’s master’s degree in the history of plant cultivation in Europe and how it impacted society had never done her a damn bit of good. It had resulted in crushing student loans that a job as a waitress couldn’t keep up with and still pay the mortgage her parents had left to her when they’d died in a car accident, and it hadn’t resulted in a good-paying job in academia like she’d expected when she started college. She was about to lose her parents’ home, the only place she’d ever considered home in her life. And before her boyfriend had dumped her last month, he’d turned most of their friends against her with lies and distortions.

Sara didn’t want to die, but she had lately been seriously reconsidering how badly she actually wanted to live.

So she’d agreed to Ganymede’s offer. Go back to the pre-Renaissance medieval era – or something very much like it – with one thing brought from the future. He’d explained that she wouldn’t actually be going to her own world’s past, so she couldn’t create a paradox by changing the future – she could freely do whatever she wanted without worrying about making her grandparents never born or something. He’d also told her that he was making the same offer to several other people, but that she wouldn’t necessarily get to meet them unless they happened to run into each other by chance in the past-world. And she had a month to get the thing she wanted to bring to the past.

Sara had spent the last three weeks digging up her garden and potting everything in ceramic pots, figuring ceramic wouldn’t be an issue in the past like plastic would be. Sadly, she’d had to abandon the apple trees, the peach tree and the grapevines – she couldn’t exactly dig out trees and pot them – but she’d gotten everything else. The potatoes had been a challenge – exposing potatoes to light while they were growing would make them inedible, so she’d had to dig them out on a cloudy night with no moon, more or less digging by feel instead of sight. Carrots, potatoes and onions had needed very large, deep pots. She’d wound her zucchini around a tomato cage in the large pot she’d put it in. The small fruit bushes – the blueberry bush, the raspberry bush – were already in pots. She had her peppers, her tomatoes, her tiny soybean bush, her arugula.

And now, after she’d done so much work to pot everything, Ganymede was telling her she couldn’t bring it?

“Look, if I had a caravan wagon and a horse, I could definitely carry all of this.”

“But you can’t bring a caravan wagon and a horse back with you.”

“No, but I could get one there.”

Ganymede chuckled. “You think I’m sending you with money? You get period-acceptable clothes, the ability to speak the language, immunity to all the local diseases, and the thing that you bring with you, and that’s it. If you appear in the middle of a field, or a town square, surrounded by potted plants, how are you going to bring them with you to whatever shelter you need to take?”

“They’re plants. If I have to leave them out in a field for a few days while I carry them all to wherever I end up going, nothing bad’s going to happen to them.”

“And what if you appear in the middle of the town square?”

“Then I prevail upon some good gentlemen to help me move them someplace safe.”

A deep sigh escaped Ganymede. “I’m almost tempted to let you. Just to let you find out first hand how much your plans are not likely to work. But no. An entire garden is too bulky, and I’m quite certain that most humans would define a garden as a collection of things, not one thing.”

“Come on! I did a lot of work to put all these plants into pots! Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Sadly, no.” Ganymede walked around the garden of pots, randomly touching most of the plants. “You did do quite a lot of work. I tell you what, I feel bad for you. Pick something else to bring and I’ll make sure all your plants get donated to people who like to grow things and are good at it.”

“And aren’t racists,” Sara insisted.

“It’s interesting that that matters to you; aren’t you part of the dominant ethnic group in this nation? Racism doesn’t affect you, generally speaking.”

It was true that Sara was white, and therefore, racism rarely directly affected her, but she had an answer for that. “Racist people in this country have been brainwashed into believing that climate change is a hoax, that gay and transgender people are some kind of terrible threat, and that it’s more important to make sure the government doesn’t tax rich people than to put any accountability on big corporations. Everything bad that we can’t get solved in this country and we can’t even begin to start solving it, because people won’t let us… it’s because rich people have figured out how to use racism to brainwash white people into voting against their own interests.”

“Oh, I understand.” Ganymede grinned broadly. “You’re a hippie, aren’t you?”

“Uh… not really? That was sort of my parents’ generation? I think of myself more as solarpunk. But if what you’re trying to get at is that I’m someone who cares about the environment and wants people to be happy and healthy and to care about each other, then yeah.”

“All right, very well. I’ll hand them over to people whose political beliefs generally track with yours, who are good with plants, and who have space to grow them. Now, pick something else.”

“A big sack that I can carry on my back, maybe 50 pounds, and I get to fill it with seeds and bulbs and anything else plant-related that I can fit in the sack.”

Ganymede raised his eyebrows. “You’re really dedicated to this bit, aren’t you?”

“I know how to use plants to change history. I don’t know how to change history with anything else – not in a way I might want to. I mean, I could bring a gun, but after I was out of ammo, what good would it do me? And also, I don’t like guns.”

“All right,” Ganymede said. “I’ll allow it. As long as you can carry the sack on your person, you can stuff as many seeds into it as you want.”

Sara smiled at him with her best customer service smile. “Thank you, I really appreciate that.”

“One more week,” he said, and vanished.

One more week and she’d leave all this behind. One more week and she wouldn’t have to worry about the foreclosure and impending eviction anymore, because she’d be in a whole other world.

[amnachil]

To the Perfection Chapter 2 Part 5

Here’s the next part. The whole story happen at the same time than The College Society, we’re only a little month ahead.

Cody Wednesday April 3

Being ignored was painful. He honestly had thought Thomas couldn't do worst. Oh man he had been so wrong. I screwed everything when I talked with Raphaël. The plan didn't go as planned. Not at all. And the time to deal with the consequences had come. On monday, the ginger has said only one sentence to the crowd. One.

"It's hard because Cody said I was a freak and Ilhan was a fucking useless fatty, however I thank you all for your support. I know you'll do the right thing."

And hell had begun. Highschool students could be mean. Especially when you purportedly insulted their favorite. The bad words are bearable. The beating is too. But their looks... They hated him with their soul. Cody should have probably said something but he hadn't. Because he had deserved it. And because he was still in love with Thomas. Why ? Why I can only dream about him, I can only think about him even though he's the one who destroyed my life ? The worst had been this exact moment when he had lied to Joël.

"Yes, I said it." he had revealed.

His friend's eyes had widened. Shock, realisation, pity, anger went through them. Cody endured it. I don't know why I lied in the first place. Maybe because he didn't want his childhood friend to go down with him ? Joël should have the right to stay with Thomas. I know he's happier this way. So the teenager was suffering all alone. But hell was only starting.

Cody was leaving school as discreetly as possible this evening. They all were going to soccer's practice, so nobody would annoy him. His parents weren't home for the month and his siblings too young to understand what was going on. So he could bear the burden on his own. Or he thought. A gigantic man arose right in front of him. He was wearing a cop's uniform. Well, he was around the same height than Cody but maybe two or three times bigger. It was very imposing.

"Hey there." he said nonchalently.

The young lad didn't answer. I think I remember him. He was hanging a lot with Thomas during our 10th grade... What was his name again ? It definitely started by G.

"So I heard you hate Thomas because he's gay ?"

Cody gulped. The man was very menacing.

"I wouldn't say I hate him..." he timidely replied.

"I don't like you." cut the policeman. "Thomas is a good guy and you, you're a nobody who's just jealous of him. You're lucky Raphaël didn't know about what you say."

Yeah, I suppose so...

"I won't beat the crap out of you because I'm a nice guy." continued the other. "But just so you know, if you hurt Thomas ever again I will change my mind okay ?"

Cody nodded. What can I say ? Who would believe me anyway ? He's the most popular in highschool, he's bright, cheerful and warm. And this is why I'm so in love with him... The 12th grade student never hated himself more than today.

Dan Friday April 5 – Saturday April 6

Something wasn't right in Darren's behavior. Now he was avoiding Dan again. He's doing that since last weekend when Raphaël was there. Was he scared by the national player ? I told him there is nothing to be afraid of. The college student's belly gurgled to notify his hunger. Boy I'm starving because of all this thinking. The good news was : his grades were going up again. He left the university hastily because Shirley was waiting for him. His sister was doing well. She had greatly improved. They had agreed to meet in the local fastfood (the one Sam was working for) so he joined her there. Dan ordered quite a lot and sat in front of the young girl.

"Sorry I'm late." he said as an introduction. "I had question for my teach'."

"No problem I just arrived." she replied. "I'm glad to know you're taking your studies so seriously."

"Yeah, Carol and mom are saying the same."

His food arrived and he dug in. Damn he was so famished.

"Hum Dan, can I ask you something a bit private ?"

He nodded, too busy stuffing his face.

"Well I... noticed Raphaël looked a bit... tired last weekend ? You know, I've spent a whole year analyzing the man in order to defeat him and I think I know him pretty well. He's still the same perfect athlete but his aura was kind of... colder ?"

"I noticed that too." whispered Dan.

So it wasn't only his imagination. His boyfriend was probably suffering. But why ? He has everything he wants.

"You don't know what is happening, do you ?" Shirley asked. "It might sounds a bit hypocrit but I'm worried for both of you. Is everything fine ?"

"Well, I think we're okay. To be honest, I thought these littles changes were only due to the fatigue, but maybe there is something else. He was very disturbed after Thomas's coming out."

"I'm not an expert of relationship Dan but you should talk to him. Raphaël has his own way to communicate, we both know that. He's not your ordinary man."

"He'll be back for his birthday the 16th. I'm gonna clear things out this day."

In the meantime, he had a lot of things to do. Dan intended to make this birthday special. I want it to be perfect. With an awesome gift for my awesome man. So he headed to the shopping mall. He was seeking what he could buy when he noticed Thomas wandering alone. He came closer and hailed him.

"Hey bud'. Whatcha doing here all by yourself ? Ain't you supposed to be at school ?"

"We have a free period." replied his friend. "And I was... looking for a gift. For big bro's birthday."

"Same here, funny we had the same idea !" laughed Dan. "Want to search together ?"

"Sure."

They walked for an hour. A lot of things looked cool but nothing was as cool as Raphaël. I need to come up with a excellent idea. Finally, the college student started to feel tired and hungry. His ginger friend offered him a crepe from a french store and they sat on a bench.

"By the way Thomy, maybe you can help." Dan wondered. "Don't you think Raphaël seemed a bit weary last weekend ?"

His friend frowned.

"Maybe ? It's difficult to read him."

"Yeah but well, his body is very cold and his tone seems kind of lethargic. I'm pretty sure something is bothering him but I don't know what. Any idea ?"

"No ? I mean, he's on every channel for his debut as a model. The national selection wants him for the next world's championship and he has a loveable boyfriend. Why would he feels bad ? Unless you think... It's my fault ? Because I'm gay ?"

Don't say that. I know this is not.

"Dude, there is absolutely no way Raphaël resent you for being gay and in a relationship. I'm even thinking he's happy about it."

Thomas nodded slowly, seemingly convinced. Don't doubt yourself Thomy, you're great.

"So maybe it is about your relationship..." the ginger whispered. "You didn't do anything wrong, did you ?"

"No, I don't think so."

Thomas smiled but with sadness. What ? He looked about to reveal something very important.

"Well..." he started. "So it must be him. He must have done something bad and he can't say what. Damn, I hope he didn't betrayed your truth !"

Dan hoped too. Well in truth, this theory was ridiculous. But the words were creeping in his mind already...

Thomas Monday April 8

"Hey assholes ! Leave him alone !"

Joël waved at the three girls who were bullying Cody and they went away. Thomas looked the scene with a smile. I feel good. Everything was going well : Ilhan was a perfect sex-toy, the leech was hated like he deserved to be and Dan was having doubts about Raphaël. When I'll bring the Darren's stuff, things will get very interesting.

"Damn girls." mumbled his cocky friend. "I think the whole thing could've been dealt better."

The ginger raised an eyebrow.

"Got something to say to me Joël ?" he smiled.

The other looked at him.

"Yeah, actually I do. Don't get it wrong, I'm one hundred percent with you and Cody had no right to talk to you like this. But was it necessary to make the whole school turn against him ?"

"I just told the truth to the people who wanted to know it." Thomas countered.

What is it ? Does Joël think I was wrong ?

"And it bring us where ? Do you feel better now that they are bullying your old friend ? Because if you do, maybe you're just like him : not accepting. We both know you're better than that right ?"

Ilhan, who was listening to the conversation, took a step backwards. He probably sensed Thomas was angry now. How dares he ? I'm right with everything I do. Always. He doesn't have the right to contest my decision. The ginger thought all this, but he couldn't find the gut to tell it. It was stuck in his throat.

"Anyway, what is done is done." concluded Joël. "And now I have to yell at the girls I wanted to fuck. Pff, that was very not cool of you Thomy."

"If you deseperatly needs sex, I'm sure I can find someone." Thomas smiled.

I definitly prefer you when you're your usual selfish idiot. Just stay that way.

During the last hour of class, they had science. The young teenager decided it was the good moment to try his luck. He approached Darren while the others were leaving.

"Sir." he smiled. "I heard from Dan that you were... scared of my big bro ?"

The teacher looked at him, wary.

"I'm not scared." he contradicted. "We just don't get along very well. Trust me, I would love to make peace with him but... He doesn't like the idea."

"Maybe I can help." smiled warmly Thomas. "I'm the best person whom you should ask help to when it's related to Raphaël after all."

"I thought you disliked me because I'm not easily charmed." commented Darren.

"It's true I wasn't liking you at first. But you're Dan's friend and I'm too. We both want the best for him and I think it is very important that you and big bro manage to get along. So, can I come to your place this sunday and we'll talk about this ?"

"Sure."

This evening, Thomas fucked Ilhan very roughly. He was satisfied with the recent events. And when he arrived home, he was more than happy. Dan was in the living room, slumped on the couch. He was seemingly overstuffed : his belly was forming a large and solid sphere. The ginger felt aroused in no time.

"I'm back." he said. "How was the day ?"

"Bad." replied the college student. "Raphaël is abroad and I can't call or text him. I asked Carol and you know what she said ? Maybe he was cheating on me ? Cheating on me, seriously ?!"

Oh this is so great. Thomas didn't even have to the job himself.

"He wouldn't dare I'm sure." he said.

Dan looked at him, unconvinced. Finally, your naivety and your insecurities are working for me. Raphaël's perfection is playing against himself.

"I will cook something good to help you feel better okay ?" he smiled.

"Sure. Thank you man, you're amazing." mumbled his crush.

I'm so winning this.

To be continued

Things are finally getting interesting. 

Cody is in deep troubles. He lost his friends, his reputation and everything. Being antagonized by a whole school is never fun... 

Meanwhile, Dan is optimistic... Little does he know what Thomas is scheming behind his back. The young ginger will be the death of them I swear.

[justalittlemango]

Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt.