#Olly is just the mentally stable parent they need

[pentragonart]

dos this still count as Olruggiomemes?

[panderp123]

C3 EP 78

•

•

•

⚠️ SPOILERS CR ⚠️

The Lost Children

Seeing Bells Hells aftermath of the shard rejection and how Ashton has brought down those walls. The group goes off in different directions to come to terms with Ashton doing a selfish thing.

The moment…of all characters to say this…Delilah tells Laudna

“He’s a child…”

Which sparked Laudna to make one of her quirky dolls and pulled at my heartstrings.

But before this happened Fearne was so upset she had a somewhat childish tantrum about Ashton almost dying. Three of the party members have severe childish tendencies all different but wow!

Fearne doesn’t know how to handle anger because in EXU she got scared of being evil or turning. Which resulted in her having silent storm-offs or unusual lashouts. It’s very Fearne and how much isolation she’s had from being protected by Nana Mori. A being of the Feywild, Fearne is a delight but it’s so heartbreaking when something scary happens she becomes this little girl. Or a difficult decision such as reviving Orym earlier in the campaign.

Once Fearne storms off and as predicted Chetney goes off to console her. Ashton became this small thing and the walls were all gone. Some moments caught me by surprise.

“I…just want my parents.”

“I wanted someone to blame other than myself…”

“I don’t like myself very much…”

These are important points because I think Ashton…never really left the desert. Their inner child is constantly crying out for their missing parents. This also concluded my point before that the Greymoore home wasn’t as great as it should have been.

To link back to the doll Laudna makes later in this episode, Ashton sees Laudna and apologises. He didn’t betray her. He just did a dumb thing and that triggers Laudna’s childish tendencies. Laudna doesn’t understand the difference between betrayal over doing something dumb in a selfish manner. However, when the doll is handed to Ashton they start to cry.

Holding it and looking at it which a new look at their mistakes. Ashton is just this broken child deep down.

“I’ve never had a doll before…thank you.”

The fact Ashton had never been given a toy shows you how messed up their time must’ve been at the orphanage. Before they plain jump he tucks the Ashton Doll on his person.

Now on to Laudna, the weight of the events pulls her closer to her patron Delilah. As much as we don’t want her to awaken more I’m kind of glad Laudna had her to talk to for this as I feel Imogen would have sugar-coated it too much.

Delilah albeit dark, evil and narcissistic did make an effort to console Laudna. Not only that but Laudna defied her when Delilah suggested she take the shard.

The childish nature of Laudna is due to her traumatic past. So she clings to her inner child Matilda as those memories are not overshadowed by her time in the castle or with the Brairwoods. By all means this isn’t healthy at all! However, it is character growth.

Naming off all the sad things of her friends' pasts or her own Laudna finds a way to mend Ashton’s inner child by making a doll out of graffitied wood, a chipmunk skull & quartz. It’s simple but it made the tough punk cry so it must have worked.

I’m glad the ice was broken before they took respite in the Feywilds. Despite being homesick Fearne didn’t want to be selfish like Ashton in asking could they go. Given that the group are not mentally stable to face Ruidius they all agreed a needed R&R is needed due to lack of communication.

I like how Matt added Birdie & Ollie at Nana’s because the whole group needs a loving parent unite to help.

Things I’d like to see upcoming:

• Chetney is the Grandpa of wisdom of the group & there’s no BS so more of that. (Be funny if he hit on Alura more just for a laugh xD)

• Laudna & Ashton connect on a wholesome level with childish joys (toys or puppetry)

• Ashton & Fearne reconcile more. No romance but more fixing the foundations before anything happens

• Birdie has a secret 👀

• Allura becomes a more Mother like figure for Imogen in regards to her power.

• Orym gives Ashton a stern talk (Liam was AFK so it be good to see what happens there.)

• Nani Mori knows what to do with the shard 🔥

[ltbroccoli]

✩ (Liz)

the ultimate relationship tag ( selectively accepting // @nashforhire​ )

Disagreements:

WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO RAISE THEIR VOICE? Liz. WHO THREATENS TO LEAVE BUT NEVER ACTUALLY DOES? Liz (but not often). WHO ACTUALLY KEEPS THEIR WORD AND LEAVES? Neither. WHO TRASHES THE HOUSE? Probably Reg. DO EITHER OF THEM GET PHYSICAL? No. HOW OFTEN DO THEY ARGUE/DISAGREE? Not often, but when they do argue it tends to be a bigger deal. WHO IS THE FIRST TO APOLOGISE? Usually Reg.

Sex:

WHO IS ON TOP? Usually Reg, but they switch. WHO IS ON THE BOTTOM? Usually Liz, but they switch. WHO HAS THE STRANGEST DESIRES? Liz, but they’ve both got good imaginations. ANY KINKS? Where to even start? WHO’S DOMINANT IN BED? Once he gets comfortable? Reg. IS HEAD EVER IN THE EQUATION? Often. IF SO, WHO IS BETTER AT PERFORMING IT? They’re both pretty good, but Liz has a unique ability to absolutely wreck Reg with her mouth. EVER HAD SEX IN PUBLIC? The occasional closet. WHO MOANS THE MOST? Reg. WHO LEAVES THE MOST MARKS? Liz. She’s a scratcher. And a biter. WHO SCREAMS THE LOUDEST? Reg. WHO IS THE MORE EXPERIENCED OF THE TWO? Liz. DO THEY ‘FUCK’ OR ‘MAKE LOVE’? Both. ROUGH OR SOFT? Depends on the mood, but tends toward rough. HOW LONG DO THEY USUALLY LAST? Fairly long. IS PROTECTION USED? Whatever futuristic birth control is, they use that. DOES IT EVER GET BORING? Nope! WHERE IS THE STRANGEST PLACE THEY’D HAVE SEX? The ceiling of the Nomad. 0g is great.

Family:

DO YOUR MUSES PLAN ON HAVING CHILDREN/OR HAVE CHILDREN? They weren’t planned, but they happened. IF SO, HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOUR MUSES WANT/HAVE? Four -- Sofia, Oliver, Charlotte, and Victoria. WHO IS THE FAVORITE PARENT? Depends which kid you ask. Sof is closer with Reg, Ollie is closer with Liz, and the twins will experiment on them both equally. WHO IS THE AUTHORITATIVE PARENT? Liz. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO ALLOW THE CHILDREN TO HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL? Reg. WHO LETS THE CHILDREN INDULGE IN SWEETS AND JUNK FOOD WHEN THE OTHER ISN’T AROUND? Reg. WHO TURNS UP TO EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES TO SUPPORT THEIR CHILDREN? Both of them. WHO GOES TO PARENT TEACHER INTERVIEWS? Both of them. WHO CHANGES THE DIAPERS? Both of them. WHO GETS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO FEED THE BABY? They take turns, and grumble at each other that it’s their turn. WHO SPENDS THE MOST TIME WITH THE CHILDREN? About equal, but they spend more time with Liz when they’re very little. WHO PACKS THEIR LUNCH BOXES? Liz. Reg would just give them sweets. WHO GIVES THEIR CHILDREN ‘THE TALK’? Liz gives it to Sof and the twins, while Reg gives it to Ollie. WHO CLEANS UP AFTER THE KIDS? Both. WHO WORRIES THE MOST? Both, but Liz hides it better. WHO ARE THE CHILDREN MORE LIKELY TO LEARN THEIR FIRST SWEAR WORD FROM? Liz.

Affection:

WHO LIKES TO CUDDLE? Both, but Reg is more ridiculous about it. WHO IS THE LITTLE SPOON? Usually Liz, but they can switch. WHO GETS NAUGHTY IN THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE OF PLACES? Liz. WHO STRUGGLES TO KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELF? Liz. HOW LONG CAN THEY CUDDLE UNTIL ONE BECOMES UNCOMFORTABLE? Forever... WHO GIVES THE MOST KISSES? Liz. WHAT IS THEIR FAVOURITE NON-SEXUAL ACTIVITY? Bat’leth in the holodeck. WHERE IS THEIR FAVOURITE PLACE TO CUDDLE? The couch. If one of them is already seated, the other will come and plop down on top of them. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO PLAYFULLY GROPE THE OTHER? Liz. HOW OFTEN DO THEY GET TIME TO THEMSELVES? Once Reg transfers to DS9, pretty often. Before that, they had to sneak visits and vacations every few weeks/months.

Sleeping:

WHO SNORES? Reg snores very softly. IF BOTH DO, WHO SNORES THE LOUDEST? Reg. DO THEY SHARE A BED OR SLEEP SEPARATELY? Share. IF THEY SLEEP TOGETHER, DO THEY COZY UP TOGETHER OR LAY FAR APART? Reg is a sleep snuggler. He will snuggle and you cannot stop him. WHO TALKS IN THEIR SLEEP? They both do, every once in a while. WHAT DO THEY WEAR TO BED? Reg wears PJs, Liz wears oversized worn out clothes. Or they just wear nothing. ARE EITHER OF YOUR MUSES INSOMNIACS? Reg. CAN SLEEPING PILLS BE FOUND BY THE BEDSIDE? No. DO THEY WRAP THEIR LIMBS AROUND EACH OTHER OR JUST LAY SIDE BY SIDE? Snuggles. WHO WAKES UP WITH BED HAIR? Both. WHO WAKES UP FIRST? Reg. WHO PREPARES BREAKFAST IN BED FOR THE OTHER? Reg. WHAT IS THEIR FAVOURITE SLEEPING POSITION? Reg’s favorite will always be lying on top of her, using her boobs as a pillow. WHO HOGS THE SHEETS? Liz. DO THEY SET AN ALARM EACH NIGHT? Yes. CAN A TELEVISION BE FOUND IN THEIR BEDROOM? I imagine they have a viewscreen. WHO HAS NIGHTMARES? Both. WHO HAS RIDICULOUS DREAMS? Reg. WHO SPRAWLS OUT AND TAKES UP MOST OF THE BED? Reg. WHO MAKES THE BED? Probably Liz. WHAT TIME IS BED TIME? Whenever Reg eventually nods off, or Liz carries him to bed. ANY ROUTINES/RITUALS BEFORE BED? Not really. WHO’S THE GRUMPIEST WHEN THEY WAKE UP? LIZ.

Work:

WHO IS THE BUSIEST? Reg is busier with day to day duties, while Liz gets a lot of work but spends a lot more time traveling or arranging things. WHO RAKES IN THE HIGHEST INCOME? Liz is doing very well for herself. ARE ANY OF YOUR MUSES UNEMPLOYED? No. WHO TAKES THE MOST SICK DAYS? Reg. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO TURN UP LATE TO WORK? Reg. WHO SUCKS UP TO THEIR BOSS? Reg. WHAT ARE THEIR JOBS? Reg is a Starfleet engineer, and Liz runs a shipping business. WHO STRESSES THE MOST? Both, but again, Liz is better at hiding it. DO YOUR MUSES ENJOY OR DESPISE THEIR CAREERS/OCCUPATIONS? Reg doesn’t enjoy Starfleet at first, but grows to really enjoy it. Liz is pretty happy in her job. ARE YOUR MUSES FINANCIALLY STABLE? Very. They don’t really need money living on a Federation station, and even if they did, Liz is very well off.

Home:

WHO DOES THE WASHING? Either. WHO TAKES OUT THE TRASH? Either. WHO DOES THE IRONING? Either. WHO DOES THE COOKING? They either replicate things, order things from Quark’s, or Reg cooks. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN JUST TRYING? Liz. WHO IS MESSIER? Reg. WHO LEAVES THE TOILET ROLL EMPTY? Neither. WHO LEAVES THEIR DIRTY CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR? Reg. WHO FORGETS TO FLUSH THE TOILET? Neither. WHO IS THE PRANKSTER AROUND THE HOUSE? Both. Their prank wars are legendary. WHO LOSES THE CAR KEYS WHEN IT COMES TIME TO GO SOMEWHERE? Probably Reg. WHO MOWS THE LAWN? Either. WHO ANSWERS THE TELEPHONE? Liz. WHO DOES THE VACUUMING? Either. WHO DOES THE GROCERIES? Either. WHO TAKES THE LONGEST TO SHOWER? Reg. WHO SPENDS THE MOST TIME IN THE BATHROOM? Reg.

Miscellaneous:

IS MONEY A PROBLEM? Nope. HOW MANY CARS DO THEY OWN? N/A - but Liz has her own ship. DO THEY OWN THEIR HOME OR DO THEY RENT? They live on DS9. Presumably Liz pays rent of some sort? I honestly don’t know how that works. DO THEY LIVE NEAR THE COAST OR DEEP IN THE COUNTRYSIDE? N/A DO THEY LIVE IN THE CITY OR IN THE COUNTRY? N/A DO THEY ENJOY THEIR SURROUNDINGS? Yes. WHAT’S THEIR SONG? You know. WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY’RE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER? Mope. Text constantly. Call often. Send nudes. WHERE DID THEY FIRST MEET? DS9. HOW DID THEY FIRST MEET? Liz needed a distraction to run away from some... friends. She picked Reg. They ran away under fire and Liz took him on a free trip to the Gamma Quadrant. Reg was not very appreciative. WHO SPENDS THE MOST MONEY WHEN OUT SHOPPING? Reg is terrible at managing money, being in Starfleet and not used to it. WHO’S MORE LIKELY TO FLASH THEIR ASSETS? Liz. WHO FINDS IT AMUSING WHEN THE OTHER TRIPS OVER? Liz. Reg still trips over the station doors despite living there for several years, and it’s hilarious. ANY MENTAL ISSUES? Reg has anxiety, Liz has ADHD and I assume PTSD. WHO’S TERRIFIED OF BUGS? Reg. WHO KILLS THE SPIDERS AROUND THE HOUSE? Liz. THEIR FAVOURITE PLACE? The bedroom... WHO PAYS THE BILLS? Liz. DO THEY HAVE ANY FEARS FOR THEIR FUTURE? So many. They just take it all one day at a time. WHO’S MORE LIKELY TO SURPRISE THE OTHER WITH A FANCY DINNER? They’ve both done it. WHO USES UP ALL OF THE HOT WATER? Reg. WHO’S THE TALLEST? Reg. WHO’S MORE LIKELY TO JUST RANDOMLY HOP INTO THE SHOWER WITH THE OTHER? Liz. WHO WANDERS AROUND IN THEIR UNDERWEAR? Liz. WHO SINGS THE LOUDEST WHEN SINGING ALONG TO THE RADIO? Reg. WHAT DO THEY TEASE EACH OTHER ABOUT? Liz teases him for his height and general gangly build. Reg teases her about her tendency to nap in the weirdest places. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO CRINGE AT THE OTHER’S FASHION SENSE AT TIMES? Liz. DO THEY HAVE MUTUAL FRIENDS? Quite a few -- Data, and most of the DS9 crew. WHO CRUSHED FIRST? Liz, but Reg wasn’t far behind. ANY ALCOHOL OR SUBSTANCE RELATED PROBLEMS? Liz has a previous drug addiction. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO STUMBLE HOME, DRUNK, AT 3AM? Liz. WHO SWEARS THE MOST? Liz.

[ghostsxagain]

The Ultimate Relationship Tag

So this is a meme but I wanted to do it for Noliver... How much of this do you agree with?

[ @spckenmind ]

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Oliver Who threatens to leave but never actually does? Nova? Who actually keeps their word and leaves? Neither tbhhhhh Who trashes the house? Lolol both let’s be real Do either of them get physical? Errr I wanna say normally neither because fuck that, but if we’re being honest here, MAYBE in like an AU (where he’s evil as shit) or a really bad situation where either of their powers kinda go off?? How often do they argue/disagree? Surprisingly not that many real fights. Disagreements here and there (lol) Who is the first to apologise? Oliver- he’s usually the one acting out so he feels it’s only right to apologize first

Sex:

Who is on top? THEY SWITCH WTF Who is on the bottom?  ^^^^^ Who has the strangest desires? l O l what a loaded question. Oliver is a demon so obvi his urges are weird af. But Nova is a weird little one- and hers are probably stranger because no one expects it from her Any kinks? Too many to list (they’re kinky) Who’s dominant in bed? Both. They like to switch off. Is head ever in the equation? Yes If so, who is better at performing it? Probs Ollie just cuzz he’s been doing it a lot longer lol Ever had sex in public? Yes! Who moans the most? Nova Who leaves the most marks? Oliver Who screams the loudest? Nova Who is the more experienced of the two? Oliver Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? Both ;) Rough or soft? ^^^ How long do they usually last? Totally depends on verse/situation. As a lust demon, they go all night. Normal verse they have to be a bit more careful because of Dustin. Is protection used? I mean, technically they don’t need it. No diseases could pass between them and he can’t get her preggers so...? Does it ever get boring? Never! Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? Fuck idk, he’d probably try for her classroom after hours but idk if she’d led it happen lol

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? Usually yes, Oliver has an adopted son. Maybe they adopt another one together? Who knows. Maybe Nova wants to be pregnant so they get a donor? If so, how many children do your muses want/have? 1 (2?) Who is the favorite parent? Well that’s a bit of an unfair question XD Who is the authoritative parent? I think Nova? Cuzz she’s a teacher? And Ollie is soft with Dustin out of guilt Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Oliver Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Oliver Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Both of them! Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Lol both (eventually) but Oliver despises it Who changes the diapers? ----- Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? ----- Who spends the most time with the children? Probably Nova cause she gets holidays off Who packs their lunch boxes? Dustin likes to pack his own lunch tbh Who gives their children ‘the talk’? Oliver, with no shame about it Who cleans up after the kids? Nova (telekinesis is handy y’all) Who worries the most? Both of them are massive worriers Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Oliver. No question

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? Nova likes to cuddle for sure, but I think Oliver more so (an after effect of losing his wife, he’s very physically affectionate) Who is the little spoon? Nova unless Ollie is having a bad day Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? I feel like they both do? Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  Lmfao Oliver How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? Endlessly Who gives the most kisses? Oliver What is their favourite non-sexual activity? He likes to garden so he’d probs share that with her. I imagine she’d share a hobby with him too Where is their favourite place to cuddle? The couch in front of the fireplace Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Nova How often do they get time to themselves? As often as they please because Oliver does have a nanny for Dustin lol

Sleeping:

Who snores? Neither If both do, who snores the loudest? - Do they share a bed or sleep separately? Obvi they share (when Ollie sleeps) If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Depends on their mood. Who talks in their sleep? Nova? What do they wear to bed? Nothing ;) lol nahh man when Dustin is around they wear matching jammies! Are either of your muses insomniacs? Yes! Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Not likely Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Again, depends on mood Who wakes up with bed hair? Nova Who wakes up first? Oliver Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Oliver because he typically doesn’t sleep much. He has time to surprise her What is their favourite sleeping position? They don’t have one? Who hogs the sheets? Nova Do they set an alarm each night? Yes Can a television be found in their bedroom? No Who has nightmares? Both? Who has ridiculous dreams? Nova Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Nova most of the time, but if Oliver is tryna sleep with his wings out then lol poor Nova Who makes the bed? Nova What time is bed time? Whenever they damn well please Any routines/rituals before bed? I like to think it’d be something cute: maybe reading/cuddling by the fire with some tea Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Oliver lol he hates to be woken up

Work:

Who is the busiest? They’re both busy in v different ways Who rakes in the highest income? Oliver Are any of your muses unemployed? nopeeee Who takes the most sick days? Nova tho Who is more likely to turn up late to work? Nova Who sucks up to their boss? Neither of them are suck ups What are their jobs? Nova is a teacher and Oliver works in investments/stocks Who stresses the most? About work? Oliver Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? They both enjoy it well enough Are your muses financially stable? Yes

Miscellaneous:

How many cars do they own? 2? at the least Do they own their home or do they rent? Own What’s their song? Idk but I want them to have one What do they do when they’re away from each other? TBHHH Oliver gets kinda mopey lol he needs to keep himself busy. I can’t speak for Nova How/Where did they first meet? Main verse: she teaches kindergarten to his son. He came to the classroom for a lost toy lol and the spark flewwww Who spends the most money when out shopping? Oliver Who’s more likely to flash their assets? Oliver Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? Both of them lol Any mental issues? Yeah somewhat. I’d say that they’ve both been through a lot, and there are some lingering side effects to it. Oliver has PTSD after the murder of his wife, as well as some anxiety. Who kills the spiders around the house? Oliver but he doesn’t kill them- he sets them free Do they have any fears for their future? Of course! Oliver worries that he isn’t going to be enough for Nova! Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? Omfg he’d totally do this for an anniversary, I feel like on a regular day she’s more likely Who uses up all of the hot water? Oliver only showers using really hot water lol so it’s him Who’s the tallest? Oliver Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Who wanders around in their underwear? Nova Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? Omg they both do cuzz they’re dorks What do they tease each other about? Every. Little. Thing. Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? Oliver is a fucking snob, so he’d balk at her clothes for sure. In turn, Nova would probs make fun of his fancy dress Do they have mutual friends? Probably not at first Who crushed first? This is fucking tough to call....Nova maybe? Ollie was enthralled by her but I don’t know if I would call it crushing. The romantic urges came later Any alcohol or substance related problems? No? Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Nova? Who swears the most? Oliver

[poly-kink-and-adhd-a-blog]

A lone wolf’s walk into hell for strength.

11/14/18 @ 0937

The days since my baker act have not been easy. I have been striving as hard as I can to learn more about my condition and to improve my own stability and functionality. There has been many emotional ups and downs and moments where my brain wanted me to quit due to the cost of energy upon me to make improvements to myself and to my life. The toughest part is the constant depression that eats at the corner of my mind or the feeling love loneliness or even the void that seems to be residing in my chest (by void I mean a physical feeling of emptiness) but yet I am finding the ability to take each mentally/emotionally painstaking step forward. Sometimes I can’t not understand the videos I watch or the documents I read to learn more of myself and my condition but every so often (could be days later) I will have a moment where I’ll suddenly understand and then I realize that I made a small victory in the overall war that is to take my life back and to gain that stability and functionality that I spoke about. I have not found a good psychologist/therapist just yet but I am still looking for one to help me more. My toughest challenge has been, so far, doing this seemingly on my own. I know that there are people there looking out for me and I appreciate it. But the needs that normally gives a human being the ability to accomplish things are not always fulfilled (love, romance, sex, comfort of another, laughing with another, etc). A couple days ago I talked to my parents to just simply check in with them. My mother, oddly enough, seemed to understand my poly lifestyle or at minimal is accepting of it. My father, however, did not. And that hurt me greatly. I looked up to this man the majority of my life as he had saved me from an abusive situation and tried his best to deal with me as the damange teenager that I was. It took me a few days but I processed through that and continued to look out for myself and to strive forward. Resika and I talked one evening about some of the things that has happened and agreed to be partners. The moments I get with her do help to some degree, but the damage still lays within myself and of the things, due to my own actions and lack of understanding myself, that were stripped away from me. Lillith and I have odd moments too where one moment we are affectionate to one another on a limited scale and then she feels so distant away that Pluto seems closer. Lately though things have been intensifing between us. Last night apparently she crawled into my bed and attempted to fall asleep next to me, I was out cold already since I took two of my Olly sleep gummies to put me out. Her husband, not sure if angry or agitated by this, got her out of my bed and made her go sleep in their bed. I awoke this moment to my alarms going off and Lillith entering my room and laying next to me. A moment later her husband popped into my room and seemed upset by her being in my bed again even if she was laying above the blanket and sheets that I was under. I felt awkward by this and said nothing to him as I got dressed to take the girls to school. When I returned he did say that he was not mad at me but was agitated as he was tasked with making sure that Lillith stuck to the year she wanted to wait before letting me be with her again, but then it became 90 days, and now I have no fucking clue what it is. She asked me ealier if it would help me to be with her again or to keep postponing our relationship. I tould her that it is not a simple answer as I am confident in my newly implemented skills and tools that have helped me keep with being communicative and making proper decisions. But that I was concerned with the unknown variable that I could error and hurt her again... but is this variable to make error and hurt someone without meaning to not always present in everyday of our lives? Is the variable to make any sort of error not always preset in our lives? I would have to side with the thought that it is in fact present just as the unknown variable of death is always present. One could wake up and start the process of their day without knowning if it is their last day or not. Just as one could wake up and not know where they may succeed that day or where they may fail. And so with this in my mind I responded to her in messenger..

Now I kept thinking on it more cause that is just how my brain is. When it is focused on something it will not drop it until I feel that I have overprocessed the whole thing. Lillith came back into my room to look for something and by then my meds were starting to kick in and I reiterrated my meaning and asked if that helped more. She said yes and then went to get ready for work. Now I am sitting here wondering why she asked in the first place and what may come of this as no sort of question like the one she asked simply does not come with a reaction or price. 

Eva and I made up a bit also over the time since my last post. For a while I desired to have her in my life as a partner but I realized that together we are not a good mix. And so I called her late one afternoon and said my final good bye to her and thought that I would never hear from her again. Over the next day or two (i think) we chatted a bit more and she did not want to remember me as the monster that had hurt her. So we agreed to be friends so that she can see the progress I make and to have a better memory of me to perhaps overlay upon the monsterous memory of me yelling at her and having an emotional meltdown. I am a bit thankful for that opportunity as, yes there is a monster inside me, but that monster is supposed to be reserved for those deserving of that side of me. But not one single fucking person that was involved in my error and the emotional meltdown that came soon after was deserving of that side of me. So this means now that I have a chance to show her I am a good person and that I can maintain a stable and functional (I seem to say that a lot, yeah?) person that I happier with himself and treats others as they should be treated. 

Secretly I have been working on the video that I shot of the off-roading adventure that I made for Lillith and on the video from HHN2018 with Eva. I am going to send the videos to them both when they are completed with the hopes that it shows that they are in my thoughts and that I mean well. But I hope that it also shows Lillith that I love and think of her often.

Resika has seen me a couple times since we became partners. I wish I could see her more as that does help me process and calm down when I have too much information flying through my head. Though waking up and holding Lillith for a bit today was very helpful in that... till my body started to biologically respond to her presense which only caused agitation in me since I can not be with her the way I want to be. I need that physical connection just as much as I need the mental and emotional connection. Without such things, I move like I am on powersaver mode because, frankly, I am. I lack enough drive and power and I have to decide with extreme difficulty where to spend my energy and drive each day to be successful in something. Without this consideration, I would simply run out of energy/drive and be a ship so to say that is dead in the water. 

Okay, well that is all for now. I appreciate you guys reading. 

~Aiden Wolf LeVay~

[thehairypickle-plusone-blog]

The good & bad of fear, the running & the rising

There are two meanings apparently to fear 1. Is to forget everything and run or 2. Face everything and rise. I've ran for years so many years, I'm told this is because that's what my mother used to do . But I've ran for so many reasons, I started emotionally running away when I was 12 and began self harming. Then I physically started running away from home soon after. I'd forget time and time again who I am and where I'm from and to stand up straight and bare the consequences. Family lives are private, it's not the norm to talk about what goes on behind closed doors or how we function or dysfunction as a family unit. I have been reminded continuously that the decisions I make for Ollie and I and my parenting are consequences I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I believe that also includes my choice to over expose our journey knowing full well he will be able to access this and his friends and family when he's older through social media. So do I dare speak up and speak out about the sexual abuse? The time I was so financially ruined I turned to stripping? The resentment the self loathing. Do I speak up and deal with the consequences of that I went over 48 hours without eating and relying on my medication to keep me stable whilst I try find support services away from my family and stress and plan over and over ways to provide for Ollie and I once my maternity leave ends in March. There are rules, there are games I don't often abide by the rules or play the game fairly, leaving me to be on the outside. I cry, I swear, I say fuck you and get back up and try again. I'm not a quitter even when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and have my hair stroked and told how everything will be ok. My upbringing on both sides of my family was a crazy mess in two very different ways. My life has been continually assessed by professional psychiatrists and counsellors as "traumatic and survival not living". Survival makes me think I'm this lioness out for the hunt somedays other days it feels like I'm this washed up bogan of a shambles who keeps her cereal and crisps in the same cupboard as her dresses and skirts. My fear of rising and doing my best to not emotionally damage Ollie is insane. Apparently though so long as you're bonding, caring and being proactive just 30% of the time your small human should pull through emotionally un fucked up. 👌🏼 I like to remind myself of that 30% when my child is screaming, he's sleeping but I'm not because I'm a paranoid anxious Mama bear. I'm really trying to focus on Ollie and absorb the preciousness of maternity leave to the point I've switched him to cloth nappies to help him on the hot days at home and learning his body clock and his cues and needs. Mornings for someone who is hands down NOT a morning person are my fave with Ollie we co-sleep in bed from around 5am after the 4:30am feed, and he just lays there all set up next to me snoozing ever so sweetly that my heart just bursts and in this fleeting moment I'm like please don't ever grow up, I wants another mini. Then my ovaries practically kick me painfully back to pregnancy and childbirth, those first weeks, Months, pain, tears, drama and I'm like no thank you one wee gang member is enough. So I face those feelings of fear of all my self doubt as a mother a semi functioning human and I rise. His sweet smile washes me with calm. Having fear and forgetting everything and running isn't often a bad thing though, I practice this daily like spontaneous late afternoon beach hangs some sunscreen no swimmers and running down to the ocean with my singlet only butt naked child into the ocean. Laughing away as we lap up the salty goodness of the ocean bent over with my gorgeous granny panties hanging out and running from and forgetting all the fear of judgement and just being in that moment, Running wild and free. That's the positive I find somedays in forgetting everything and running is that we just go off on these beautiful adventures. Im sure there's mental health critics reading this going fuck she's showing signs of manic depression right now or delusional behaviour. But I'm just being me. Clinical shit and meds aside, sometimes the forgetting brings peace. The running brings strength. I am not a manipulating human being nor am I as recently asked "a two faced cunt and that's how I've been living my whole life?" I am me, not soul searching, down to earth organic free range egg eating yogi, more like an assortment of jelly babies, that listens to slipknot whilst breathing and doing a mid morning yoga stretch. I buy homebrand food but love to go out for brekky on the weekends to whole foods cafes. I believe in Crystal and holistic healing but I also love my saving grace Valium. I use cloth nappies but I obsessively bleach my bathroom twice a week, dettol wipe down everything to hospital grade clean despite the environment. I'm not unbreakable, I'm emotional, scared, twisted and broken. Torn and confused. But every morning I flip the bird to Satan and say not today satan not today, and persevere in some weird and wonderfully OCD routined way. I pretty much practice insomnia like a yoga class as I toss and turn at night chanting to myself sleep Mama bear sleep. This journeys wild and I draw outside the lines. But I am so proud of me for being here, being present and not giving up. So when your day is shit just say fuck it only the good die young so I've got plenty of days to make up for this shitty one 😉 Laugh as loud and freely as you can wild child's.