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dilf-din · 3 days

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Neptune (Until My Last Breath)

A Rebelcaptain May the Fourth celebration fic

WC: 3050

Warnings: angst and whump, ambiguous ending

Author’s Note: HELLO AND MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH US. I started working on this last week and thought it would be fun to post today in honor of my favorite characters of all time. Sorry I’ve been straying away from my fluff reputation?? Oops?

Jyn always thought she would die in space, or at least with the stars in view. A clear night sky above her as she bled out, as her particles melded with the earth and the atmosphere, stardust returning to stardust. She would exhale, and her spirit would be carried away on the wind, stirring through the galaxy, inciting rebellion and bravery in the hearts of other little girls out there hoping for their someday to come. Jyn Erso, the patron saint of defying fate.

Or maybe just defiance.

She always thought she would be free one day. Right now, she felt like a porg caught in a trap. The thought of chewing off her leg crossed her mind almost immediately once reality set in. She could press the cool steel of her blaster to her head and be gone in an instant, but she couldn’t abandon Cassian. She wouldn’t.

There were so many warning signs she ignored that she couldn’t help but blame herself for their current situation. The instrument panel in her mind had been screaming at her for days now, lights flashing and pounding against the back of her eyelids. Had she listened to the churning in her gut before climbing into that death trap, had she spoken up about her inkling that they had received corrupted intel before the hatch was sealed, had she just asked Cassian to turn back before they went plunging into murky water and winding caverns. He would’ve listened, taken her at her word. He always did.

Now they were stuck. Wedged quite literally between a rock and a hard place hundreds of meters below depth. They had lost communication with K2 who was stationed above them on the surface well over an hour ago, their comms nothing but low, smooth static.

K2’s warning that communication was about to drop out hadn’t done much to settle the turmoil in the pit of Jyn’s belly.

“It’s normal,” Cassian explained, taking note of the whites of her knuckles peeking out of the cut outs of her gloves where she was death gripping the leather arm of her seat. “Once we make it under this ridge and back up, we’ll be back in communication,” he assured.

Jyn wanted to trust him. She closed her eyes and swallowed. There wasn’t much to see but the inky black walls of the caverns Cassian was carefully navigating. Thats what she told herself, anyway. There were no tentacled creatures looming above them. There were no sets of glowing eyes waiting for someone stupid enough to venture past and sink their hungry teeth into soft flesh. The more she repeated this, the more she believed it, never one to be afraid of monsters.

She inhaled and exhaled in time with a pressurizer in the cabin as it adjusted their oxygen levels, keeping their lungs full and their bodies whole.

A few more hours would pass in no time.

It wasn’t often she had a perfectly quiet environment to rest in, and found herself nodding off, chin tucked into the collar of her jacket and cheek resting against her shoulder.

The first shrill sound of metal screaming and scraping would be etched in her mind for the rest of the life, however much longer that was. It cut through the heavy silence of the air, and she was flung her from her seat as the craft lurched forward.

Jyn caught herself with flat palms, stinging from the impact.

“What was that?” she asked with as steady of a voice as she could muster.

Cassian cursed.

“It’s too narrow through here. I don’t want to risk it. We’re gonna have to go back.”

The coolness of his tone and sureness of his movements soothed her nerves. She watched as his hands moved swiftly to turn their craft into reverse and begin their journey back to the surface. The disgraced imperial officer that may or may not be holed up in a cave at the end of this wasn’t worth their lives.

The engine pulsed through the entire ship as the thrusters reversed to propel them backwards, but within a few seconds, they were met with the same sickening sound of stone against the metal.

Cassian pulled back on the controls immediately, leaving them stationary before the jutting rock formation ripped the hull in half.

They both stared ahead, Cassian to avoid Jyn’s gaze, and Jyn to try to ground herself in this moment.

A new flood of fears washed over her. Her body felt as if it was getting crushed beneath the weight of the pressure around them, held at bay by nothing but a thin wall. Her breath started coming quick and shallow, the way it did when she sat at the bottom of the hatch on Lah’mu, eyes straining to get accustomed to the darkness, not knowing it would follow her for the rest of her life.

Cassian scrambled for a solution, racking his brain for a way out. Jyn’s panicked breathing permeated his concentration, preventing any coherent thoughts from forming. She had never been scared before, not really. She was only here because of him, because of intel he sought out and felt strongly enough was worth following, but not into death.

His kill count was something he didn’t even want to theorize about at night. He made peace with most of them, he could live with the blood of hundreds on his hands, but not Jyn’s blood. It was never supposed to be hers.

Obviously they couldn’t leave the ship, not at this depth. And the comms were down, so there was no way to send a distress signal. The reverse thrusters were just sending them straight into the obstruction… They were stuck. They were stuck, and they were going to run out of oxygen unless K2 came after them in the rescue craft, which was almost twice the size of this one and might not even be able to make it through the narrow tunnels.

There were too many variables outside of his control causing Cassian to spiral. Most little hiccups on a mission he could get through, but something of this caliber with this level of consequence always made him second guess himself, his status as captain, and whether or not he was fit to be a partner to someone like Jyn. Fierce in combat, cool under pressure, a survivor like no other.

He had been so careful. He had always trusted his instincts and his training equally, and couldn’t quite parse where he went wrong this time. Cassian buried his head in his hands, wishing someone would come from behind him and beat some sense into his thick skull, grab him by the shoulders and center his composure once again. He was no good to either of them in this state.

Jyn choked out a dry sob bringing him back to himself. He craved atonement for his foolishness, vowing to bleed himself dry for the woman he loved if that’s what it took to get her out of this alive.

With a click, he released his seatbelt and slid across the cold floor next to her.

“Jyn,” he breathed softly, “Talk to me,” he coaxed as he unwound her limbs from around her crumpled frame and drew her into his own embrace.

She had been able to feign composure until the reality of being trapped really set in. Combat didn’t phase her, the crunching of bones and flesh being burned by blaster fire had been the background noise to her life from far too early on. At the end of the day, the only thing that ever hung over her head was the thought of being truly alone in the galaxy. The looming darkness that made her tremble as a child was the same darkness curling itself around her right now, peering in through the window and licking its chops each time it thought it had her. All the times she had almost let her strength fail her, the beautiful temptation of running into her mother’s arms again was like a siren song over the noise of every battle she found herself in. She could stop resisting, let fate take her. But that wasn’t her. And as badly as she wanted to be home again, she wanted to be true to who they raised her to be, who Saw raised her to be.

But this didn’t feel right either, like getting backed into a corner. Her long overdue portion of bad luck finally catching up to her after all her narrow escapes. A few times, she had come close enough to brush fingertips with her father before getting pulled back to this life, always being dragged away too soon like a calf that wasn’t properly weaned. Her hungry mouth open to the cruelty of the universe.

Cassian’s warmth was the only thing she could depend on when you stripped her bare. Each time she coughed up blood and bile from the beatings she sustained, he was never far. Always faithful to wrap himself around her and lick her wounds. It was the closest she would ever come to really being known. Being pressed to him now made a fresh lump rise in her throat, the same feeling as standing in your childhood bedroom for the last time. She vowed to memorize every detail in this dim light, for his form to be etched into her fingerprints whenever they found their bodies.

“You don’t have to bullshit me. I know we’re not getting out of here,” she said quietly.

Cassian tensed under her admission.

“Kay could get here in time,” he squirmed to readjust and move her cheek off of his collarbone.

She decided not to extinguish his hope, one of her favorite things about him.

She knew he was lying.

He knew she knew.

“It’s just weird to not be able to see the stars,” she admitted softly, letting out a shaky exhale.

Cass nodded and pressed his nose into her temple.

“How much oxygen do we have in here?”

He had done the calculations a hundred times over, swallowed hard.

“About ten more hours, plus whatever is in the suits.”

Jyn nodded imperceptibly and couldn’t tell if it was her imagination or if there was a really faint clock ticking in the background. Maybe it was his heartbeat beneath her ear. Maybe somewhere deep inside she had always known they were a ticking time bomb.

“We might as well get comfy,” Cassian strained as he reached for the emergency blankets stowed to the left of the captain’s chair. The pair worked together to make a makeshift bed roll and stretched out together, reveling in the shared warmth. Underwater and space had one thing in common: they were both cold.

Jyn laid with her head on Cassian’s chest, close enough that the sounds of his breath and the low rumble of his voice beneath her dominated her senses. The sounds of the sub became distant background noise as she gave all of her attention to him.

Cassian’s right arm was wrapped around her, draped firmly over her hip while his left hand toyed with her fingers. He had gently pulled her gloves off and laid them to the side, wanting to feel her smooth skin unobstructed. Their hands laced together then broke apart. His pointer finger dragged across every millimeter, feeling every vein and bone, every wrinkle of her. Sometimes, he let the very tips of his nails ghost over the surface, sending chills through her body. Jyn nuzzled closer into the scent of him, bright and sharp as it ever was. Clean notes of citrus that overpowered the stale metal they often found themselves surrounded by. It was the easiest way to pick him out of a crowd. She smiled sadly to herself as she toyed with the zipper of his jacket, thinking how beautiful it was to know someone so effortlessly.

“Tell me about a time you were happy,” Cassian’s voice came warmly, a welcome interruption to the mechanical symphony of the ship she had been trying to tune out.

Without hesitation, Jyn responded, “When I was younger, my father and I used to hike and watch the volcanoes erupt on Lah’mu. He had some sort of device that tracked the seismic activity, so we would always take the day, just us two. My mother would pack us sandwiches and stay back to watch the farm,” she trailed off and a faraway smile graced her lips.

She continued with an even more dreamlike quality to her voice, “I’ll never forget the first time I saw one. It’s so much more red than you can ever imagine. Just the purest shade of red. It would trickle down black mountains and turn everything in a neon mosaic.”

Cassian’s heart swelled as he listened to her recount the memories she had of her father. The way she came alive when she spoke of the kind of man he was. He always wondered if Galen would have approved of him. Some small part of him would always ache for that affirmation, to know that those who loved Jyn so deeply saw something worthy in him.

Another wave of guilt washed over him, and his limbs were suddenly twenty kilos heavier. A good man wouldn’t have gotten their daughter killed. An honorable partner wouldn’t have ever put her in a situation that would’ve risked her life. That’s all Cassian had done since they had met, is risk his life and hers.

Jyn felt him tense beneath her, the way his heart rate quickened, and propped herself up to face him.

“Is something wrong? I mean aside from the obvious?”

She always tried to find humor in their peril, admiring the way her father could make her laugh when she was afraid. When their family would squeeze into one of their scattered bunkers in a practice drill should the imperials ever find them, Galen never failed to make her giggle with a poke to the ribs or a bad pun. Jyn would wrinkle her nose at him. Lyra would give a soft smile.

Right now she wanted Cassian to be anything but afraid.

“I’m sorry,” his voice wavered.

“Cassian,” she chastised.

“Jyn, please,” his eyes bore into hers, in pain and with pleading he begged her to hear him out.

“We don’t have to do this now,” she whispered.

“If not now then when?” he exclaimed.

Jyn kept forward and pressed her lips to kiss cradling his face. She swung one leg over his own to straddle him. He kissed her hungrily and with tears streaming down his cheeks.

She pressed her forehead to his and nuzzled her nose against his.

“I always knew I would die by your side, but it wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he smiled through the tears she had only seen him cry one other time, Scarif. Those tears were exhausted and bitter and full of hatred for the Empire, completely robbed of any sense of pride as they were lifted away from the scorched ground and the corpses of their friends.

These tears were full of love, the overwhelm of what he felt for her spilling to the surface.

“You’re so beautiful, even in this light,” his hand cradled her cheek.

“You’re running out of oxygen,” she murmured, casting her eyes to the floor, uncomfortable with the attention even after all the years spent beside him.

Cassian laughed softly, the kind that said “I love you” in the cadence of it, and Jyn thought there were certainly worse ways to meet your end than this.

——

The hours passed far too quickly and excruciatingly slowly at the same time. Each minute brought them closer to a final goodbye.

The air in the cabin was quite thin by this point, leaving the pair panting and feeling lightheaded as they tried to count to ten before drawing each breath.

Cassian had never been the praying kind, but tonight, he prayed that Kay was careening towards them at much too high a speed. He prayed that they would get dragged to the surface before they were nothing but casualties in a war that never seemed to end. He prayed that Jyn would go first and go quickly.

With great struggle, he lifted the only oxygen tank off the wall and dragged it to the bed they had made. His fingers were clumsy as he fiddled with the valve and made sure it was connected to the mouthpiece with no holes in the hose.

Cassian was winded from such a small task. Jyn offered him the mouthpiece to draw the first full breath into his screaming lungs and light head. He closed his eyes at the fleeting relief, his finger tapping on her thigh to count out ten seconds. Their words had been mostly spent at this point, choosing to conserve as much oxygen as they could in the hopes that K2 would be there soon.

On ten, Jyn took her first full breath in hours, she could feel her cells swimming with joy, rushing around to bring the tired parts of her back to life. She had no idea how long this tank would last between the two of them. She was tired from racing the clock, having spent the last part of the evening becoming acquainted with the idea that they wouldn’t make it out of this.

“Jyn?” she swore she heard her mother calling, craned her neck to see Cassian looking down at her. The whites of his eyes shone like the shard of kyber at her breast, guiding her home.

“I love you, Captain,” she slurred, taking the chance to poke at her affectionate nickname for him one final time. She wanted it to be one of the last things he heard as they passed from this life to the next.

Cassian weakly squeezed her in reciprocation.

The tank quickly drained. It was never intended to fill two sets of lungs.

When Cassian offered her the mouthpiece as it was nearing empty, she shook her head, and it pounded with every motion.

“It’s s’pretty, Cass.”

“Wha-what’s pretty?” he strained to stammer out.

“I see so many stars,” she smiled with tears glimmering in her eyes.

#rebelcaptain #rebelcaptain fic #rogue one #rogue one fic #jyn Erso #cassian andor

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