#STILL I WOULDVE KILLED MYSELF I CANT WORK UNDER PRESSURE

[fitfdeluxe]

my essays today were OH MY GOD got to school got the exam it was all set up i open it up. the topic is assigned from the government of alberta and no one is allowed to know what it is until we open the book at 9 am when the exam starts. and i’m thinking oh it can’t be THAT bad yknow they release a few past topics that i’ve seen and they usually follow the same formula yknow something about perseverance the effect other people have the effect loneliness has something along those lines. can connect it to human connection wham bam thank you ma’am. NOT THIS TIME!!! THIS topic was SO DUMB it was like. discuss the ideas in you selected text about the effect generosity has on an individual’s process of recovery. like WHATTTT does that even MEAN. literally when we opened our books you could sense when everyone finished reading the topic bc the air literally shifted and you could see people start to panic. like. we had to write something about something we covered in english so like a selection of short stories, 1984, or tim burtons big fish and NONE OF THEMMMM NONE have ANYTHINGGG to do with the topic literally in any way. one of the short stories we read KIND OF applied to the topic but we read it wayyy back in november literally like november 15 we read it so i don’t remember ANYTHKNG from it. so i ended up writing on 1984 bc it’s the one i know best and i wrote like. ohhh ingsoc in 1984 twists language and the definition of generosity to fit their own narrative and tortures people to ‘recover’ them from the wrong side and bring them into the warm embrace of big brother and it’s all very generous. basically writing from the perspective of the party bc WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO i literally sat there for 40 minutes staring at the topic trying to think of what to write and that’s the best i could come up with. i’m really pushing my luck turning that heap of GARBAGE into the government i just hope my use of big words and ability to reword the same sentence 400 times in a row carries me to a big fat w

ok HELLO this was a journey . omg this is interesting though i’m not familiar with these kind of tests I WOULD LITERWLLY DIEEEEEEEEEEE like right there. this message made me realize how easy i have it

[transdib]

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i  stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.