#STYLE Series 004

[cherrylng]

Memory of Muse 2000-2004 [STYLE Series #004 - Muse (August 2010)]

From the first visit to Japan to the 2004 Japan tour. How did Muse grow up after seeing them up close? We look back at how Matthew, Dom, and Chris were at that time, with some interesting episodes.

Conversation◎Yoshika Horita & Kaoru Abe pix Yoshika Horita

Yoshika Horita and Kaoru Abe, who had close encounters with Muse while working for Avex as their official photographer and interviewer, respectively. We asked them about their most memorable episodes, not only during their visits to Japan, but also during the many times they interacted with the members during on-site interviews. Please enjoy their memorable talks, which convey the individual personalities of the members, as well as their nostalgic memories.

[2000/First visit to Japan] Horita: I first met the three of them at ON AIR WEST. They were like three dark and friendly guys from the countryside, whispering in hushed tones about everything. They have very thick accents to begin with, so you can't hear them very well when they talk like that. Dom is the type who consciously tries to speak properly, so his English pronunciation is clear. Matthew is like a muffled machine gun and speaks very fast.

Abe: He wasn't so nervous at that time. He was being interviewed while lying on a gorgeous couch at Avex (laughs). Basically, [to them] it was like "I'm on a field trip!" and it was so pure.

Horita: At that time, they were accompanied by a manager who found them and was like a father figure.

Abe: Yes, it was like they were a local family. The show itself was very good, and they already had a certain style, but their usual behavior was not up to the level of their ability at all. Even in Tokyo, if they were to walk around Harajuku or Shibuya, they would look a bit out of place (laughs).

Horita: The way he dressed (laughs). I liked Matthew's cyber look at the time, but his shoes looked like something an old man would wear, and his denim was cut off at the hem! The uniqueness of Matthew's fashion came out at that time. But Dom is a bit of a fashionista. He was choosing what was appropriate for his height and weight. Chris doesn't care at all.

Abe: He (Matthew) talked a lot in the interview. He talked a lot about how they started the band because there was nothing to do in the countryside...... He talked a lot about things like that. But he would get bored in the middle of the interview (laughs). Then the three of them would get together again and start whispering in hushed tones. They didn't really have anything profound to say.

Horita: At that time, we even went to a music store to look at effectors.

Abe: It was their first time in Japan. 

Horita: Dom is Matthew's personal interpreter. Whenever Matthew needed something, he would call Dom and be like “Dom-Dom, Dom-Dom, you know....“ He always says “Dom-Dom” twice in succession (laughs). There was also a classmate of theirs named Tom (Kirk), and the four of them were originally best friends, but Tom went off to college and didn't play in the band. But they continued to be good friends, and eventually became like an external coordinator for Muse. You see, the world is closed, so they need that kind of existence (laughs).

Abe: Matthew is a little bit different. He is rather shy, so it would be difficult without Tom. Well, he's about as shy as I am. ...... So shy people interview each other and get interviewed by each other....... It's the worst (laughs).

Picture: Matthew cools off with a mini fan given to him by a fan. He said, “Back then, I would have gladly used any gift from my fans.”

[2000/Summer Sonic 2000] Horita: When Matthew had blue hair. Chris got a tattoo in Japan after his son Alfie was born. I went with him to Harajuku, and we went into a store owned by a very seedy foreigner, and he got it done by a female assistant who said she had just started working there (laughs). I was like, “Oh my God, are you sure this is a good place to get a tattoo?" She showed me a font sample book, and I just put the letters exactly as they were in the book. I wrote “Alfie” as “Zaibu Ryo” (在父良/Father-in-law) in big letters at ....... But he looks so happy!

Abe: That doesn't exist, does it? (laughs)

Horita: Matthew seemed to be very interested in it. I think that's why he let Chris try it out (laughs).

Abe: I didn't do any interviews at that time. I did see Summer Sonic, though. I remember they were already playing “Plug in Baby” at that time. It was the first show of the morning, and it was on a grand scale. It was so hot that I almost collapsed, but I heard that Matthew almost collapsed too.

Horita: Speaking of Summer Sonic, Coldplay['s Chris Martin] and Matthew were talking backstage at the Osaka show. Then one of the tour managers at the time asked me to take a picture of them. I was like, “Hey, let's take a picture now!“ And I thought to myself, “Well, Coldplay is in a higher position than Muse.“ They didn't really know each other that well, but Matthew, who was shy, talked a lot. Matthew is a very cunning guy (laughs), and he will go for anyone who benefits him or interests him. He is a surprisingly calculating man (laughs). Also, maybe it has something to do with the fact that his grandmother is a medium, but he seems to have a divine power or something out of the ordinary. There is a little bit of evil spirituality in him (laughs). It's great because that kind of thing is sublimated into the music!

Picture: At Kiyomizu-dera Temple in Kyoto, where we stopped by during the Osaka performance. These two are always a set.

[2001/London coverage] Abe: At that time, they did two days at the Brixton Academy and it was a great success. I think I went to see both days.

Horita: The first day was just the day I arrived or something, so I just went to see the show without any equipment. Matthew backstage was very funny. I think there was a tax accountant or someone in a suit there, and he was talking seriously about something like, “From now on, I'll take care of the money!“ As I said earlier, Matthew is very calculating and businessman-like. Their previous manager was someone who looked like someone from the industry, so I guess he thought he would be taken advantage of if things continued like this.

Abe: With all the money they had, they also bought a house to share among the three of them [Note: Presumably they're talking about Matt, Dom, and Tom's time of living together]. So, because of the formalities involved, we arrived very late to the hotel where the interview took place (laughs). During the interview, Matthew and Dom talked about the house all the time.

Horita: It was around this time that they suddenly became aware of themselves as members of society...... A tax accountant and a house! The next time I interviewed them in London, they had already moved to a different house (laughs).

Abe: Oh yes, it was a house with a studio. On the second day in Brixton, they had 2ManyDJs [aka Soulwax] in the afterparty, and it was Matthew's birthday party. 2ManyDJs at a live venue were still cute back then (laughs).

Picture: Matthew is not much of a drinker, but these two are the type that drink until morning. Chris in particular is the type that is easy to get along with.

[2001/performance in Japan] Horita: This was the time when the dark side of Muse was in full bloom. They were selling out at once, they had money coming in, and they had more than enough talent, especially Matthew (laughs). The number of groupies increased to the point where I wondered, “How many groupies are there nowadays?“ (laughs).

Abe: Chris was a serious guy and never played around...he lost his wedding ring at a show in 2004 and turned blue.

Horita: Oh yes, once Chris got very drunk and lightly kissed someone. The next day he was depressed and said, “What have I done? I'll never get drunk again!“ (laughs) It was painful to watch, but he was so cute.

Abe: Yes, he was. He really cherished his wife. Did he have his fifth child this year?

Horita: Yes, yes. His wife is a very plain, ordinary person. She is very different from Matthew, who is now a celebrity (laughs). Dom is a mystery! Even if he cheats on me, I feel like I'll never find out.  On the other hand, I don't think he is clean for sure.

Abe: Come to think of it, Dom is always clean [i.e. hygienic]. Chris is always clean, too. But Matthew never takes a shower even when he is sweaty at a show. (Laughs) Even when they play until morning.

Horita: Matthew's eccentricities are many. They were staying at the Nikko Hotel at the time, and when we were in the cafe on the first floor, he came down from his room in his hotel gown and slippers. When the hotel staff was upset with him, he told them that he was “dressed in African formal wear“, and they forgave him (laughs).

Abe: He had a look on his face that said, “If I say this, they will never be angry with me.“

Horita: He was once scolded for suddenly playing the transparent grand piano displayed at Kawai Omotesando without permission (laughs).

Abe: Well, even if he did that, it still looks good, in Matthew's case.

Horita: The thing about Matthew is that he is easily drawn to things like “white pianos” and “transparent pianos.” It's simple and cute in that way.

Abe: He likes to play the piano as soon as there is one. He must think “I'm so cool!” playing it more than the guitar (laughs).

Horita: On the piano, he can play Chopin and other pieces right away, but he's not actually that good at it. But on the guitar, even though he is so good, his movements are unique.

Abe: Speaking of Matthew, he always went back to the hotel after rehearsal. Dom and Chris stayed at the venue. I don't know what it is like now.

Horita: Yes, and that sometimes caused him to come back to the venue about 10 minutes before the show started, which made the people around him nervous. I don't know what he’s doing, but I really want to go back!

Abe: Is it some kind of ritual to concentrate?

Horita: Some kind of ritual to bring down the god of live performance? After all, he is a spiritual person (laughs).

Abe: Maybe he’s preparing confetti to be taken out of his pockets during the show (laughs).

Picture: The pass from the 2001 Brixton Academy show in London, which was attached to Abe-san's press notebook.

[2003/Reporting in London] Abe: Before [the release of] “Absolution,” we were in London again for an interview. At that time, they had a confident but calm impression. They took a long break before making the album, and all three of them had that good feeling. I would say that all three of them had grown up while still maintaining an aura of being rock stars. They also set up our own studio. It was just a renovated flat.

Horita: Yes, there were computers and office desks in one room, and a huge pile of equipment in the next room. There was a grand piano, so it was not small, but there was no table or anything like that, so it was just a place for recording as a hobby.

Abe: But he said he went there three to four times a week.

Horita: What surprised me was Matthew's new car. It was a very nice [Toyota] Solara, the kind of car that only [Japanese] yankees drive nowadays, and it was a white convertible (laughs)! It had a tachometer that looks like something you would never expect to see on a car like this (laughs).

Abe: But I was convinced. No matter how you try, only Matthew could drive a car like that!

Horita: It's the same as the idea of the white piano (laughs). Dom drove a maroon BMW or something, so he was totally normal. After the interview, they both said, “Goodbye,” and went home.

Abe: It was a bit of an inconvenient location, and we were at a loss because we couldn't get a cab. Dom said, “I'll wait with you until the car comes,” and bought us a drink at the pub next door! Really, Chris is like a good father and he is very kind.

[2004/performance in Japan] Horita: Before the Bay NK Hall show, I caught up with the guitar tech at the venue when the band members were not there, and he let me take pictures of the equipment. Matthew was just passing by and said, “You can film anything you want! There's no secrets.” When I first came to the show [back in 2000], he was very reluctant to have his effects equipment photographed, but I could see that he was gaining confidence. Matthew was wearing a weird “Matrix”-style coat and sunglasses, and there was a big fuss about “Take a picture! Take a picture!“ Matthew may be a dorky guy, but his personality and sense of aesthetics remain consistent. But that is out of tune with the world's sense of beauty (laughs).

Abe: He always likes things that are futuristic. He likes to wear a ring with a cybernetic design that was given to him by a Japanese fan. He was wearing it during the photo shoot, but I guess it wasn't fanservice, he really liked it.

[Thereafter.....] Abe: After they moved to Warner, we stopped doing interviews with this trio. They had a worldwide breakthrough and became an unreachable band.

Horita: They were five years after their debut... a country bumpkin who succeeds, falls to the dark side, and realizes who he really is... It was like the “Star Wars Trilogy” (laughs).

Abe: By making a good album, you grow as a person. That must have been how Matthew was able to make such a big leap forward.

Horita: I think Dom, Chris, and Tom were instrumental in that. If it had been just Matthew, he would have destroyed himself by not being able to use his abundant talent. Also, it was good that he didn't have any impatience like, “I want to sell [out] in America! I want to be big!“ Even though Coldplay had achieved success, they [Muse] were not in a hurry, and they worked slowly and deliberately, and finally achieved success. But he might have had a desire to play in a big venue and hypnotize everyone in the room......

Abe: Yes, he just needed a place to present his sense of aesthetics.

Horita: That hasn't changed. I haven't met him (Matthew) yet, so I can't tell you more about him. I met Chris and Tom when they came to Japan in January, and I was happy to see that they had not changed at all.

Abe: Well, I think I was very lucky to catch a glimpse of Muse, who have now become such a great band, on their way to the top, and I have really good memories of them. I would like to continue to support them from behind to see where they are headed.

Translator's Notes: This is actually one of my favourite and unique Muse interviews I encountered so far in the STYLE magazine, because it's an interview/conversation in the point of view of those who actually interviewed and photographed the band themselves and witnessed their growth over time in 5 years, and gives interesting insight of stuff that they picked up, such as:

-Matt calling for Dom's attention by going all "Dom-Dom, Dom-Dom!" and he does it twice in succession!

-Matt's sense of fashion in the past was just that... eccentric/bad enough that nobody could ignore it LOL

-Not even his choice of car was spared from Abe and Horita's low-key savage mocking LMAO

-The journalist and photographer are like "Yeah, Matthew is a weird dork, but that's what makes him so cute!" LMAO

-Matt's preference for white or transparent pianos were actually noticed since 2001.

-The true story behind Chris' first tattoo and the absolute horror by Horita at the choice of tattoo shop and being forced to pick the kanji letters that sound the closest to what 'Alfie' would be pronounced as.

-Matt actually enjoys receiving gifts from fans and would use/wear them.

-Their observation that Matt and Dom always stick together as a set. My heart...

-The imagery of the boys' first trip to Japan being like "I'm on a field trip!" to them shall live in my head rent free.

[saerins]

PREV: #003 THE FIRST RIPPLE 𖧧 #004 THIS SPARK, IS IT REAL? 𖧧 NEXT: #005 THE ICE SURRENDERS ꒰ series masterlist ꒱

꒰ঌꨄ︎໒꒱ — there’s a lot you don’t understand about what’s going on with sae, but he can say the same about you. question is, once you both find out more about each other, will your growing feelings stay the same?

content: itoshi sae x female reader. fluff/angst. profanity, alcohol, reader is fairly straightforward here, pining, jealousy, misunderstandings. word count: 5.8k

༝༚༝༚ slightly shorter chapter this week ^_^ hehe we’re getting closer to the messier/exciting parts so bear with me heh :) mwah ily guys <3

you’re starting to learn that maybe you can’t get your hopes up with itoshi sae.

a week later, you don’t hear anything from him. you both haven’t spoken since that night he took you out. not that you’re entirely too bothered—it’s a first for you, trying to get to know someone as in-demand as sae. (you don’t count eita because you’ve known him since before the fame.)

it doesn’t help that you don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. you promised sae that you wouldn’t spill, and you’re keeping that promise. somehow, it makes you feel a little warm inside; thinking that there is some sort of intimacy you share with sae that only the two of you know.

besides, even if you could talk to eita about it, you don’t want to. 

is it too quick for you to think you might fall for him?

falling for someone isn’t really in your life plans yet, especially after your last and only tumultuous relationship, but maybe itoshi sae is different. he sure seems like it.

the next week rolls around, and you still hear nothing from him. which is fine with you; you’ve resigned yourself to thinking what’s yours will be yours and not to force anything… even if you spend most of your idle time wondering if sae is ever going to post anything on his private account. did he really just create it solely because you asked him to?

you can see that he logs in to it, judging by his icon on that little viewer list in your stories. but that’s the extent to which you see him online. he doesn’t reply, or do anything much. considering his normal account is probably mainly run by his team, you guess you shouldn’t expect too much from him.

still, maybe it’s a little pathetic of you to be wearing his cap so frequently. it’s sort of become a staple piece for you, somehow. to be fair, there’s hardly any dress code in place for you to follow and considering the bulk of your workwear is mostly casual, it fits right into your style. although, after sumi pointed out one day that it’s a luxury brand and that it costs more than you would personally ever spend on a cap (even if you had the means to), you try to wear it less often. (though that seems like a waste considering it was given to you.)

“you know, you gave the boss a really good scoop, enough to last for a few months,” sumi points out during lunch, taking a lick of her vanilla ice cream as the both of you sit out on the roof, escaping the cramped office. “so why do you look so stressed?”

honestly, you didn’t even realise you did. you thought you were being normal, but it has been a while since you had a normal crush on someone, and since itoshi sae is certainly not just a normal somebody, maybe you had been acting a little off, always waiting for a text, a call even, something.

“nothing, i just haven’t been able to get a good sleep lately,” you lie, hoping that sumi won’t pry.

she doesn’t.

“hm, it’s friday today,” she hums, pondering. “maybe you should find a few of your friends, get out, let loose, you know?”

later at your desk, the clock almost striking 5pm, you think maybe you should. because as much as you love your chill friday nights alone (mainly because your mom is barely home on the weekends), you don’t think it’ll do you much good if you keep mulling over the same old thing.

but just as you’re about to go pester eita again, he gets to you first, his timing impeccable today.

there’s an aching disappointment in your chest when you realise sae isn’t going to be there. maybe it’s just the glaring difference between the life of a celebrity versus someone normal like you. his schedule must usually be packed to the brim after all.

whatever, you’ll let him come back to you on his own time. for now, all you want to do for the weekend is to spend it having fun with the guys and settling everything you need to on saturday and spend sunday to yourself.

this possible thing between you and sae, whatever it could be, can wait. you’re not in any rush. at least, that’s what your head tells you.

your heart feels something different.

it’s only the second time you’re actually hanging out with eita’s friends, but you’re not regretting it one bit. even on the day of the event they’d been welcoming to you, and tonight is no exception.

they’re all sat around the wooden table on the balcony, a ton of beer cans and liquor bottles littered across the table. you sit on the long end, on the long chair, right beside eita, sides of your bodies always pressed close together that it makes a glint form in oliver’s eyes.

he’s still curious, not out of concern but just because, about you and eita and sae and how everything is going to tie together. it’s not everyday he sees eita being okay with a girl that close to him and not complain that she’s a bother. it’s also not everyday that sae creates a private account. oliver got bored and saw one day that you were the first person he followed.

you must really be something.

“where even is sae today?” you hear sendou ask, a hiccup following suit. “i finally come over and he’s not even here.”

he’s sitting on your other side, his profile strangely reminding you of the very guy he’s asking about. maybe it’s the way his hair is a lighter shade of pink, maybe even his sharp jawline. his eyes are different though, more expressive, and universally soft somehow.

you remember how sae’s can look soft, his teal eyes turning gentle whenever you try to approach him. but it wasn’t that way when you first met him, that’s a given.

“i don’t know, said he was too tired,” oliver sighs, stretching in his seat.

“wasn’t he just with bianca yesterday?” yukimiya asks, oblivious to oliver’s glee.

it kind of stings, but you stay quiet, the alcohol slowly seeping into your system. you can feel eita leaning against you a little bit more, and his presence has always been comforting, so you let him.

sendou hums, index finger tapping against his near-empty beer can. “is that still going on? how long has their relationship status been a mystery already?”

karasu snorts, nudging sendou on the elbow. “salty just ‘cause you tried to ask her out and she rejected you?”

as you sit quietly and observe, it seems that sendou was once at an event with her too—apparently, he had asked her for her number and she didn’t even want to give it to him. and then a month later she “met sae and was all over him”, according to karasu.

with the exception of eita, who sits quietly beside you, they start a debate on whether or not sae’s finally starting to see bianca in a different light. or, as sendou points out, “maybe they’ve been a thing all along and just hid it really well from everyone.” it’s not exactly something you want to listen to, even if you are the most curious you’ve ever been about a guy, so you block it out from your ears. 

but oliver leans forward, resting his chin on the liquor bottle in front of him, staring straight at you. you’ve never really noticed it but his eyes are really beautiful, the different shades of green and purple making him seem ethereal just like that. 

“you’re a girl, y/n, what do you think?” he asks you, a lazy drawl in his tone.

mirroring his actions, you bat your eyelashes at him, looking innocent as ever when you answer him. “i think you guys should stop talking about that her behind her back like that,” you say, earning a raise of oliver’s brows in return. he’s surprised, to say the least, but not in a bad way.

it’s not even that you don’t want to hear about her. you’re wantonly curious, especially since you’re beginning to realise your small hint of emotions towards sae, but something tells you that these guys wouldn’t be too kind with their words if you egg them on.

karasu gives you a nod of approval that you miss before he leans back in the chair, whispering to yukimiya, “at least we all know shidou won’t totally hate y/n.” but it’s too soft for you to hear, and you probably won’t even be able to make sense of it even if you did, not with the gradually increasing level of alcohol in your system.

between intentionally drinking to not be a pathetic mess who keeps thinking about her potential love life and having to drink because you’re usually good at drinking games but not when oliver is around with the way he keeps beating you at everything, you happen not to notice a lot of things.

at one point, oliver has replaced sendou next to you, whispering snarky comments in your ear in between games. he’s not the flirting kind, at least not to you, and he doesn’t push your boundaries physically either—he’s more akin to a friend you’d love to gossip with. that’s why you don’t even think much when he tilts his camera towards you, taking a selfie with both you and eita in it.

just a normal picture of friends hanging out, oliver leaning against your legs, propped up on the chair, your own head leaning into the crook of eita’s neck, all of you evidently tipsy from the dazed look in your eyes.

what neither of you notice is oliver’s smirk as he posts the picture onto his private, betting on his target audience of one to see it.

and now, he’ll just have to wait.

one hour later, the doorbell rings and yukimiya’s eyes glance over to eita, comfortable with an arm around you, and he takes it as his cue to open the door. eita’s probably too reluctant to move and he’ll let whoever it is at the door keep at it for hours before he’ll answer the poor guy.

he’s expecting some random food delivery, maybe from karasu because he’s been whining about wanting some chicken with his beer, or maybe even shidou showing up at the last minute from his other party. but this? the person he’s staring at in the eyes right now, is the last person he expected to see tonight. 

“wait, i thought you weren’t coming?” yukimiya asks, but oliver’s already shouting from the balcony.

“hey, sae, what the fuck are you doing here?” he asks from the balcony, taking a swig of his beer.

beside him, you hear sae’s name and your head immediately whips around to look at the door. there he is, looking tired as ever but he’s there, in the flesh, dressed in all black, jacket and sweats, teal eyes finding you from all the way across the house.

sae wordlessly walks past yukimiya, the latter following behind him, still shocked that he’s even present. sure looks like sae always means it when he says he wouldn’t come to gatherings like these.

when he gets to the balcony, earning a cock of oliver’s brow, sae tilts his head, “i was invited, wasn’t i? what’s so surprising about that?”

oliver snickers at sae’s blatant avoidance of the question. deciding he wouldn’t get anything out of him anyway, he shrugs and accepts it. besides, he can already see that sae’s too busy trying to calculate if there’s enough space for him to sit beside you, with the way his eyes are scanning your surroundings. maybe it doesn’t help how eita’s so clingy with you, his arm still around you even when you’ve already straightened up.

both sae and eita are just staring blankly at each other, and everyone is aware of it except for you, because your head’s a little dizzy and you’re still thinking whether sae popping up here is a figment of your imagination.

you’re not that drunk, are you?

you get your answer when a shadow looms over your body, the familiar scent of his cologne wafting into your nose. he smells the same he did that night you kissed him.

“what, this seat taken?” sae asks, and you dumbly look down at the small edge of space beside you.

no, it’s not, but you’re probably going to have to squeeze between him and eita if he sits there, no more legroom. you shift anyway, eita making space (albeit reluctantly), the way sae ends up being so close to you enough to send your mind into overdrive. you’re still wondering why he showed up.

you, and everyone else. not oliver though. he knows why. and it’s not like he wants to intentionally make you cough out your feelings but it looks like the other guys who are oblivious to your feelings are steering in that direction. 

“no bianca today?” karasu asks, a mocking tone in his voice.

sae doesn’t show an ounce of emotion, though. “wasn’t with her.”

“why not? scared we’re gonna make you two make out again like last time?” yukimiya asks, finally relaxing back in his seat. he says it jokingly, although you know the sentence at hand probably isn’t a joke.

“wait wait wait, you two made out?” sendou asks, incredulous, mirroring your exact thoughts. 

a jealousy creeps up your spine, engulfing your alcohol-riddled distractions. some part of you wants to know what it’d be like to be kissed by him. you purse your lips into a firm line, wondering if you were being an accidental homewrecker by kissing him that night.

“it was just a game,” sae responds, making no moves to drink the beer handed to him.

eita pulls his arms away, moving in favour of getting you a drink. it’s not that he even knows anything that’s going on between you and sae, but he can tell by how you’re stiffening up that you’re probably a little affected. he slides a shot over to you, and you down it with ease.

ignoring the way the other guys keep harping on the topic, sae turns his attention to you, flicking the tip of the cap he gave you, and you shift your gaze to look up at him, the small smirk he gives you when you do making your heart flutter again.

why is it so easy for him to do that to you?

“haven’t sold my cap yet?”

you thank the heavens you’re not too tipsy to be normal. “i’m holding out for higher bids, actually,” you quip, grinning. “you can offer one too if you want it back.”

sae hums, head tilted again as he ponders while staring at you. slowly, he leans down to your ear, whispering so only you can hear him, “how much do i have to bid for you to keep it?”

maybe it’s the liquor, but you feel your cheeks heat up. it can’t be his close proximity. it can’t be the way he’s so close that you can see the beating pulse on his neck. it can’t be the way you think you look more intimate here than you should. definitely can’t be the way all the guys have noticed and are giving each other looks.

why does he even want you to keep it? is this some sort of abstract way that he’s using to tell you that you’re not an accidental homewrecker?

you make a mental reminder to yourself to never get drunk in front of sae. you don’t want to end up blurting out some less-than-decent thoughts of yours.

“what’s wrong? too tipsy now to talk back?” sae asks, and you can only pout at him, not in your usual condition to think of smart comebacks. it makes the corner of his lips tug upwards just a little bit more than usual, his hand coming up to teasingly push the cap down further—in that seemingly affectionate way he does.

and maybe it isn’t such a good idea to agree to continue to play games, not when you got roped into never have i ever and karasu, to the delight of oliver, said he has never fucked anyone at this table. seeing that only you and eita put a finger down, everyone can tell there’s probably a complicated history between you and eita. not that you owe them any explanation, though you kind of do feel the urge to tell sae that it was in the past.

you steal a glance at him beside you, the mild look of surprise befallen on his handsome face. you wonder if he thinks badly of you now. you wonder if he’ll think badly of you when he sees what your life is really like. will he think you’re just going to be a stain on his fancy life that it’ll be better off not knowing you?

or maybe… maybe he has a complicated past too. with bianca.

funnily enough, eita loses after yukimiya says he’s never had sex with more than five girls. the disappointing part is you didn’t really get to know anything interesting about sae.

“hey, you feeling okay? you can stop playing if you wanna,” sae tells you later on, after god knows how many minutes have passed and you’re already onto the next game. you don’t even know why you agreed to play two truths one dare in the first place when you know it’ll just be a shitshow for you. 

over the course of x minutes, you’d managed to learn many things, some of which being that karasu and eita had shared a girl in bed, that yukimiya dared to do a body shot on oliver, that sae would consider bianca an important person to him, and that you really can’t make up your mind to go big or go home because oliver had just dared you to spend seven minutes in heaven with anyone of your choosing.

of course, you can safely choose eita and trust him not to do anything if you told him to. but on the flip side, you can choose who you really want. even if you’re not so sure he’d want to anymore.

“you can always choose me,” oliver jokes, lifting the mood. although the smirk on his face makes you question it. “i’ll definitely show you a good time.”

while you’re having an internal dilemma, karasu and sendou are in the background teasing oliver for being fake, saying that he shouldn’t be offering that if he’s already interested in miss manager.

but you snap out of it when the irritated sigh you hear out of sae somehow feels like the world is sending you a sign. in some way. you’re not sure if you’re reaching—is he bothered by oliver’s comments? and why does oliver look so smug all of a sudden?

you’re beginning to regret not being sober, you can’t figure this shit out. but what you do figure out is what you want to do. why think so much about tomorrow when the present is right here?

so you don’t pay it any more thoughts, getting up and dragging sae with you by the shirt, ignoring all the commotion left behind by the guys, save for eita who only stares blankly at you as you drag sae into his own room and lock the door.

“oh shit, sorry dude, didn’t mean to—”

“for the last time, just friends,” otoya snaps, cutting karasu off, although not even sendou believes him. for someone who doesn’t even care to treat people nicely, sendou can at least see that eita treats you a fair bit better than anyone else.

in the room, sae can only watch blankly as you stumble over your feet before finally settling on the edge of otoya’s bed. the envious, green side of him can’t help but wonder how many times you’d been here, in his room, with him. though it’s kind of amusing how you chose to bring sae in here now.

from what sae can tell, you’re probably a little more tipsy than you should be in these types of situation, and a part of him is relieved that you’re not here with anyone else. if you were here with otoya, would you be fooling around by now?

“so, thought you were too tired to show up—what happened?” you ask from where you are on the bed, body swaying slightly, eyes threatening to close.

the moment he takes a seat next to you, you lean close, your head coming to rest on his shoulder, and sae has no doubt that you’d already drank a lot before he came. proximity this close, he can smell the shampoo in your hair, can feel how soft it is.

“i couldn’t sleep, got bored, that’s all.”

your shoulders vibrate slightly as you giggle, pulling away, a suspicious glint in your eyes. “damn, and here i thought you came for me.”

even when you’re intoxicated you still have such a smart mouth. sae shrugs, his gaze turning ever so soft, like every time before when he looks at you. there’s something about you that he can’t quite place, something that makes him act so differently than he usually does, and for once he doesn’t hate it. “did you want me to?”

not taking the bait, you keep up your casual demeanour, even if your eyelids feel heavy and you’re about five seconds away from just passing right out on the bed.

“you know, it’s fine to say you missed me and wanted to see me,” you tell him, grin wide as ever, almost infectious. you’re only surviving on liquid courage right now, the way you unashamedly try to flirt. though, if sae isn’t moving away, does that mean he doesn’t mind?

he looks off to the side, pondering for a while before turning back to you with a straight face, “i missed you, wanted to see you.”

for a moment, you feel like your heart might stop.

“is that what you wanna hear?”

almost instinctively, you grab the stray pillow lying on the bed and fling it at sae, earning an amused laugh from him but you barely realise it, too caught up in the frustration that his words were just strung together to entertain you as opposed to his actual feelings.

crossing your arms, you look away, the exhaustion of the day coupled with the dread of tomorrow nipping away at your consciousness. “don’t patronise me, itoshi sae,” you huff, and you miss the way he looks at you with a smile on his face.

will you remember any of this tomorrow? you’re not drunk, but you’re not exactly thinking straight either.

“were you… very busy this past week?”

your question is voiced so softly, almost like you’re afraid to ask, and sae realises maybe he should’ve at least told you he wouldn’t be able to make it as early as he thought he would.

“yeah, i was.”

technically, he isn’t lying. he was back in japan last saturday, but maybe he had been too wrapped up in his thoughts to do anything else.

“with bianca?”

it’s even softer this time, and for some reason, sae’s almost kind of relieved you’re asking. he just doesn’t know what it is.

“no, not really,” he tells you. it’s complicated, and you don’t even have context; he wouldn’t even know where to begin talking to you about it.

you put your legs up on the bed, hiding your face between your knees, and sae’s left wondering whether alcohol really makes that much of a difference. you seem bold, shy and teasing all at once. his hat is still on your head, your thoughts coming out into the open.

“are you… involved with her?” your voice is muffled, but he hears you loud and clear.

a small smile dawns onto his face, safe from your view. he doesn’t really know the implications of you asking the question, but he likes how you don’t beat around the bush. it’s nice not having to constantly guess what you really mean.

and maybe it’s you rubbing off on him, but he doesn’t answer it straight.

“curious, y/n?”

when you lift your head up to look at him, you see the widest smile he’s ever given you, objectively much smaller and way more subtle than everyone else, but it’s a smile all the same and it makes your heart beat faster in your chest.

“yes,” you answer honestly, because you’re not sure when exactly you’re going to pass out but you have a feeling it’ll be soon and eita’s bed is just so soft.

sae is only mildly stunned by how straightforward you are, so he decides to do you a favour. he doesn’t usually like divulging things like this; topics that bring gossip and are undoubtedly going to come back to him if it gets out. what’s more, you work for a sports magazine so you can totally use this against him, but it isn’t even that you’re intoxicated right now, but more so that he feels he can trust you with it.

slowly, he reaches his hand over, and for once he tips the cap upwards a little so he can see your eyes when he tells you, “stupid, i’m not involved with anyone.” is that clear enough for you? he’s not sure why but he hopes it is.

what does he even want with you?

the moment you hear it, you break out into a wide smile, genuine and actually infectious this time because sae feels the corners of his lips threatening to pull upwards even more. what the heck is this feeling?

“really? i’m so relieved,” you exhale, voice a little airy, looking a little too pretty that sae immediately pulls the cap back downwards. “so,” you move on, adjusting it back in position, daring to move closer to him, face so close to his own that he has nowhere else to look except straight into your eyes. “we have four minutes left. will you grant me whatever i want, itoshi sae?”

you have a habit of calling him by his full name. he makes a mental reminder to get you to change that. not tonight though, he doesn’t want you to forget.

it’s weird how he feels around you; why does he feel so overwhelmed yet want more both at the same time? he swallows the lump in his throat, keeping his composure, “depends, you’re pretty demanding, tell me first and i’ll consider.”

“itoshi sae, i’m not!” you refute, punching him playfully on the arm and he has to hold your arm to stop you from falling off the bed. “i don’t know. the guys outside are probably expecting us to fuck or something.”

there you go, unfiltered and he kind of likes it. his fingers are still around your wrist.

but the answer is crystal clear to him.

“no.”

“huh?” it takes you a while to process. given that the only thoughts in your head as of right now are only: what does sae think of you and eita? and bianca is important to him. “what if it was just a kiss?”

he hums, then shakes his head. “nope.”

“wait, am i not pretty enough for you or something?”

you’re whining and sae finds it cute of all things. you have a tendency to misunderstand, so maybe he needs to adjust how he talks to you. he’ll see. but before he can even say anything else, your head falls into his chest, your regular breathing the only sound that fills the room after. he’s perplexed and amused all at once; how did you manage to fall asleep so quickly?

contrary to your thoughts, sae has always thought you were pretty, ever since the first night he met you. even in your private account where you post yourself in hoodies too big for your body and no makeup, clad in sweats—still pretty.

sae sighs, his fingers stroking your hair now that you’re asleep, and whispering in your ear only when you’re not able to hear him.

“if i do that, i think i’ll end up wanting more.” and you’re drunk and that’s not what he really wants.

but he does give you what you ask for, pressing a soft kiss on your forehead.

that’ll have to do for now.

“so, nothing happened?” sendou asks, bored, as sae carries you on his back as he comes out of the room.

you’re passed out and drooling on his shoulder and he doesn’t really care about that.

“it’s sae, c’mon, did you expect something?” karasu laughs, all of them coming in from the balcony because in the seven minutes both of you had spent in the room, it managed to start raining. “maybe if it was bianca, y’know, then maybe.”

sae ignores all their passing comments, choosing to walk over to otoya, “hey, she passed out, i’m just gonna take her home.”

as much as sae isn’t particularly fond of otoya, he’s probably your closest friend here and he doesn’t want him to think he’s just going to take advantage of you.

otoya’s green eyes flicker to the clock on the wall before he shakes his head, speaking softly so the others won’t hear. “nah, just put her in the guest bedroom. i’ll send her back in the morning. you can head back first.”

there’s an irritation that builds up inside him, but sae maintains his emotionless expression, remembering that otoya knows you much more than he does. “i could just—”

“she doesn’t want to go home tonight,” otoya cuts in, a warning glare in his eyes. “trust me.”

suddenly, sae remembers the last time he met you, your swollen cheek and the way your eyes were glazed over. and he wants to ask otoya what it’s all about but this is about you, and he really shouldn’t ask someone else.

“fine,” sae concedes. if whatever’s at home makes you miserable, he won’t bring you there. “i’ll put her in there before i go.”

there’s a lot more otoya would like to ask sae, because oliver’s not the only one curious at sae’s seemingly odd behaviour. he wants to know what exactly he thinks about you, but everyone’s still around and it’s not a good time, so he sucks it up and lets it go for tonight.

as sae puts you down on the bed and pulls the blanket over you, he gets a brief flashback of the night he set bianca down in her hotel room. you’re both so similar, and yet not at all.

and when he’s about to turn and go, your fingers reach out to tug at the hem of his jacket sleeve, almost effectively making sae’s heart leap out of his chest. your eyes are still shut, so there’s no chance you’re actually conscious right now. still, your mouth opens.

“stay with me?”

sae stills. do you know it’s him? or do you think he’s otoya? either way, you and bianca really are similar, even when you’re not completely awake. so why… why are his reactions so different?

it’s not like he has anything on tomorrow, so it’s really no imposition.

before he knows it, he’s sitting on the floor, right next to where you sleep on the bed, your fingers enveloped in his palm, his head propped on the mattress, his own exhaustion catching up to him.

it’s been a messy week; trying to gather his thoughts about you every single time he’s free, having to talk to bianca and thinking about that, and then coming back just to see oliver and otoya so close to you that it bothers him a little. finding out about you and otoya takes the cake, though.

how special is otoya to you?

the question lingers unanswered as he drifts to sleep, both of you subconsciously finding comfort in the other’s innocent warmth.

the next morning when you wake up, you’re half shocked half happy to find sae where he is, sleeping there peacefully, the previous night’s exhaustion dissipating from his face.

did he take care of you last night? you can only hope you didn’t puke in front of him. that would be embarrassing.

you’d like to stay, wait for him to wake up and talk to him and make sure you didn’t say or do anything too out of line because your memory’s a little foggy, bits and pieces that you can’t quite piece together or even tell if they’re real or dreams.

but you can’t.

you remember what day it is today and reluctantly get out of bed. though, feeling a little cheeky, you quietly grab a small black marker out of the drawer, suppressing a grin as you scribble on sae’s palms, hoping he won’t wake up from this.

a couple hours later, by the time sae gets up, the bed is cold and still undone. it’s already noon, and somehow the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up is you—are you already home? did otoya send you?

but the question that pops up in the forefront of his mind when he sees otoya lazing around on his couch later on is none of that.

and to be fair, otoya has the very same question in his head.

“do you like her or something? y/n.”

otoya is the one to ask, eyes still glued onto his phone screen, typing something out. sae can’t help but wonder if he’s talking to you. 

“what’s it to you?” sae asks. he can hear the snores of the other guys coming from otoya’s room.

otoya shrugs. “just curious. she’s my best friend after all.”

there’s a certain possessiveness in the way he says it that rubs sae the wrong way. still, sae supposes that if otoya’s your best friend, he shouldn’t be too impulsive with his words.

“maybe i like her,” sae says, the tension in the air getting thicker.

“in what way?” otoya still hasn’t looked up from his phone.

“same way you do.”

“i don’t know what you mean.”

otoya scoffs, both of them acting coy with one another. “bianca and y/n, huh? busy guy,” otoya sighs, tossing his phone aside and getting up, walking towards sae, hands in his pocket. both of them are staring the other down, feeling the situation out. “i think i suit y/n better, you can have bianca.”

now it’s sae’s turn to scoff, sharp eyes piercing through otoya’s own. “why don’t we let y/n decide for herself, huh?” he quips, before grabbing his car keys out of his pocket and leaving through the front door.

as he settles down in his car and turns the engine on, it’s only then that he realises the black marks on his palm. 

thank you ᡣ𐭩

somehow, just one look at it is enough to ease the tension on his shoulders.

you really can do wonders.

extras !

otoya’s hostility towards sae was intentional.

sae didn’t try to wash your writing off—he let it fade away naturally.

if yn was sober, she would’ve not been as straightforward as he was in the room with sae. but she definitely would’ve flustered sae a lot more with her playful personality.

the whole time, oliver was live recounting the events of the night to miss manager, all of which are left on read.

if bianca had been there, sae would have been a lot more cautious about his actions and probably wouldn’t have acted too close to y/n.

random fact #1: otoya plays bass, used to perform in a band back in university. part of how he got so many girls interested in him but he was always with y/n which made a lot of them unhappy.

random fact #2: sae has never really been jealous before so now that he’s feeling it, he’s a lot more sensitive to it than normal people.

taglist! @yuzurins @saeskiss @raphsimp @lust4rin @mxplesyrvp @chieeeeeee @yumekolovesyukimiya @kunirayuna39 @auranny @sereniteav @gskill @saesgrl @riseena @rikijbol @sagejin @shironagi @veecynii

[madelynraemunson]

CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT 𓆩♡𓆪

(Book #1 of the Hellfire Gentlemen’s Club series)

strip club owner!eddie x fem!exotic dancer!hargrove!reader

𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐔 18+ MDNI

Chapter 017: Something’s Brewing

Mornings are for coffee, contemplation, and work visitations. And before you know it, things go from 0 to ‘Eleven’.

author's note: the layout of this chapter is heavily inspired by the writing style of one of my inspirations, @pinkrelish 💘 love you alyson!!

CW: fluff, boyfriend eddie, angst, drinking, smoking, profanities, physical altercations, arguing, aggressive eddie, GENERATIONAL CURSES, eddie misogynistic/ableist one-liner (our fave is also a man at the end of the day), therapist!eleven rise up 🤩🤩, divider from @attxnt

word count: 4.8k words

↳ chapters: 001, 002*, 003** , 004**, 005 , 006 , 007* , 008**, 009, 010, 011, 012* , 013**, 014** , 015, 016**, 017, 018, 019, 020*

* = somewhat smutty chapters ** = smut chapters

You’ll NEVER. GET. AWAY. from the sound of a woman that loves you.

♡

WEEK-IS-LONG-WEDNESDAY

Eddie doesn't sleep well when you’re not with him. Like a fish out of water, your boyfriend flops and flails around in bed, rolling over his bumpy sheets that still linger with your scent. But before he can even get comfy, it’s already time to start the day.

Son of a bitch.

“Alexa,” Eddie pleads. “Please postpone my cries until tomorrow.”

“Sorry — Eddie… I don’t understand what you meant by please postpone my life until tomorrow.”

“That too I guess.”

———

It’s awfully quiet at Hellfire.

Your friends seem to be protesting your unjust departure, keeping the essence of you alive by paying the Hellfire Girls no mind.

Meanwhile the witches who made you quit are celebrating your absence, laughing and leaning against the wall, entertaining themselves with their week-old gossip that was centered around you. Because without talking about ‘Shy Girl’, they wouldn’t be as interesting. To anyone.

"Yeah and she didn't even have the decency to give her two weeks," Kassidy scoffs. "Just up and left. How immature."

They got what they wanted. You were gone. Controlled, altered, deleted. 86’d, baby. But at what cost?

“Classic Baby Stripper. Can’t handle Hellfire’s heat.”

Now it's their turn to have the spotlight again. Just like old times. Although this time around, that attention is all negative.

But it’s attention, nonetheless.

Emmy and the other Hellfire Girls are seen squirming around, struggling to to reach for a prop that was placed high up on a shelf.

"Mike, I can't reach this thing, can you come get it for me?"

"Sorry, busy," Mike scoffs, shuffling angrily past them.

A couple of raised eyebrows. Okay then…

"Dustin, do you think you can-"

"No. Do it yourself," Dustin snaps.

Every appetizer they ordered from Argyle came out dry or burnt. Any toiletries needed from Nancy were handed over with minimal eye contact and assistance. Jonathan stopped serving them alcohol three peach schnapps ago, but of course those bitches were too busy faking their intoxication to even notice.

And despite everything, they were still appalled. Surely EDDIE wouldn’t approve of this blatant favoritism.

After putting out his cigarette, Eddie makes his way inside with the paperwork needed for your severance check, along with more checks for the club (and Wayne) that he didn’t even want to think about.

"OH EM GEE, HI EDDIE BEAR!" the girls squeal at him. It's their one last attempt to be smothered with love and affection from your boyfriend.

SLAM. The door to Ed's office swings shut.

Chrissy and Nina erupt in laughter, because even despite getting rid of you, Eddie still doesn’t give those girls the time of day.

“Eat shit, you cunts,” Nina chuckles, shaking her head in satisfaction.

While it was obvious whose side The Party is on, the Hellfire Girls are STILL left distraught and confused.

"Do you guys...” Kassidy says. “…kinda get the vibe that everyone seems a bit pissed off today?"

THANKFUL-THURSDAY

"Thank you, come again!"

You had just finished making your 20th peppermint mocha of the morning. And to think you’re going to be here ‘til close…

Being a waitress and barista are two completely different ball parks, something you wish you knew before Steve got you the job at Newby’s not too long ago.

Syrups. Sauces. Coffee beans from robusta to arabica. The just-as-caffeinated juices that would taste a lot better with alcohol in them...

And the damn milks. God forbid you use soy milk instead of almond, otherwise Susan Swayne from the Hawkins Neighborhood Watch Committee will throw a hissy fit for everyone with a satellite dish to see. And you’d much rather not want to end up going viral on Reddit — again.

Sigh.

You’re whisking away at a matcha when you realize that a group of corporate Chads were looking at you for way too long. Your paranoid eyes scan the scene, heart nearly dropping to your stomach as you lean your body into Steve’s for comfort.

"People are staring at me," you report to him at a low whisper.

Harrington is right beside you, wiping the counter down with a wet cloth after spilling some half and half on it. Your new colleague glances over at them before giving you an earnest look of reassurance.

“They probably just have a staring problem,” he says. “New pretty face at a local coffee shop? Of course they’re gonna look at you.”

“I’m almost certain I gave one of them a dance.”

“You’re also making them a coffee,” he points out. “How many people can say that about their dancers? They should be grateful.”

It makes you less stressed knowing you have a male coworker by your side, and that your job predominantly takes place in broad daylight. Your stress is further alleviated when you see Max shuffle back in through the side door after her 15-minute juul break in the parking lot. She gives you a tense nod hello after exhaling a small cloud of 'Wild Raspberry Bubblegum' into the room.

“Back from your break?” you mumble rhetorically, avoiding direct eye contact with her.

“Yeah. I am.”

You and Max got into a fight earlier this morning. It was over something stupid, your first real fight since she found out you were stripping on the low. You’re stunned when she wraps her arms around your shoulders from behind, causing you to hum in endearment. Dearest Maxine…your baby sister.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Max apologizes. "I'm not me when I go without smoking for too long."

"I forgive you," you hug her back. "Thank you for communicating your feelings. Wanna help me with this in-house order?”

“Of course.”

Since your whole lives were spent constantly losing people on such short notice, you, Max, and Billy have made it a goal to never go to bed angry. You all follow through with it 90-percent of the time, which is huge considering your dynamic. You never want to end the day on bad terms with anyone. With how the world operates nowadays, you just never know.

“You guys make coffee for non-heroes?”

And you weren’t going to start the day mad either. To your surprise, your gaze is met with Eddie’s when you turn around. Your boyfriend beams over at you with eager eyes, hands tucked neatly into his pockets as he waits to order.

“EDDIE!” you exclaim.

Mister-Leather-and-Denim greets you with his signature dimpled smile. "Hi, sweetie."

You practically leap over the counter to give your man a tight squeeze. He chuckles into you, his cool rings lightly pressing against your back during your embrace.

“Eddie...” you coo. “You came to see me!”

“I sure did,” your man sings as he goes to put you down. “Ohh my goodness… Look at you with your little barista apron! Do a little spin for me.”

You spin. Eddie hoots in adoration.

“Now do a little pose.”

You pose.

“One more turn for me, baby…all the way, all the way, all the way…” he instructs. Suddenly, his palm issues you a rough smack across the ass. “BOOM! There we go. Now we’re talkin’!”

“Hey hey hey, let’s keep it PG,” Harrington scolds him. “Bob watches the cameras when he’s not here.”

“Then Bob should know Eddie’s hands are rated E for everybody,” Eddie tuts, slyly clicking his tongue at Steve. “Didn’t think I’d miss YOU now did you, Big Boy? C’MERE!”

Eddie scurries towards Steve to give him his as well. Smack. Almost like it’s muscle memory.

Max shakes her head in amusement as watches their tomfoolery unfold in front of her. She always used to think you were exaggerating their 'bromance', but now her doubts have been debunked.

“Need some caffeine to kickstart your heart today?” she asks your boyfriend.

“Not particularly, since your sister’s in front of me,” Eddie replies, chuckling at his own cheesy joke. But then he hands her a 20. “I’ll take a cold brew though. Change is yours to keep.”

“My hero, my hero,” Max hums. You watch as she opens the register to acquire the difference.

Your sister starts on Eddie’s drink while you two spend some time together. Out of habit, you fiddle with his hair and then lovingly stroke his face, all while Eddie scans the room around him, his curious fingers dancing over to the plastic tip jar next to the pastries behind you.

“How much for the trail mix?” he comments.

“Ha-ha,” you respond to him dryly.

“Baby you could make this much in tips in a second at Hellfire.”

“I’m not going back,” you respond with certainty.

Eddie’s face drops when he realizes how serious you sound. Tucking his hands back into the pockets, Mr. Tough guy elicits a rather child-like pout.

“But everybody misses you.”

“Not everybody.”

“Everybody who matters,” he corrects himself.

“That’s sweet,” you admit. “But we’ll all still hang out, y’know? I just...really wanna keep our work-life shit separate.”

“I understand, baby,” Eddie frowns. “I just miss your face is all.”

It was a shitty situation those girls put you and Eddie in. But now that you’ve had time to think about it, you don’t need Hellfire anymore. Stripping has rocket-launched you out of debt; and now that you’re comfortably on your feet, with everything you could possibly want and more, you see no need in having a hustle mentality anymore. And besides, everyone and Eddie knew that to you, Hellfire was only temporary.

“I miss you too,” you assure Eddie. “But I'm out of that cacoon now and spreading my wings. Thanks to you. We can celebrate off the clock."

“Now I like the sound of that," Eddie smirks as he pulls you into him again. He gives you another, rather tight, squeeze followed by a delicate forehead kiss. "So amazing to hear, sweetheart. I’m so happy for you.”

FACE-THE-TRUTH FRIDAY

“You’re upset.”

It’s an assumption that irritates the shit out of Eddie. Jane watches your boyfriend as he frantically ushers himself around, stress-cleaning everything at POTIONS while Jonathan takes his lunch. For as long as she's been here, it's been observed that the only thing Eddie seems to be running on today is a hot chip, and yet another cold brew from Newby’s that you had made for him.

“I’m not upset, Eleven.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m NOT,” Eddie insists. “Shy Girl and I are doing great, thank you very much.”

But the psych major doesn’t believe it one bit. Setting the pencil she was twiddling down onto her notebook, Jane narrows her eyes.

“Wanna know how I know you’re lying?”

“Hit me.”

“I never once mentioned Hargrove’s name.”

Caught. Red-handed. A sucker-punch to the ego. Eddie’s cheeks flush an exposed shade of pink, having been read to filth by the girl he and Steve used take turns babysitting when she was a little kid.

“And boys always lie,” ‘Eleven’ tuts. Jane starts to dismantle her waffle fries as if they were pieces of pull-apart bread. She then shoves the Eggo-shaped taters into her mouth. “‘s like it’s in their blood.”

“Girls lie too,” Eddie scoffs.

“But they lie better.”

Eddie pretends to dismiss it, waving Jim and Joyce’s daughter off so she could go with Mike who has probably forgotten to take inventory yet again. But when she doesn’t, and insists on playing therapist, Eddie can’t help but wonder what Jane and Wheeler could possibly be fighting about now.

“Don’t start your relationship off with a lie,” Eleven forewarns. “I can tell you really like Shy Girl. And if that’s the case, I assume you trust her enough to be honest with her.”

"I am honest with her."

“Bullshit.”

He peers back over at Jane.

Eddie’s assets — at this point — have now become a liability. And it was YOU who had to pay the price.

But he knew he still had to be realistic. There was no way in hell that he could spoil you, take you out, buy you nice things, and introduce you to new experiences if his business is in shambles. He needed his dancers.

"If you can’t get rid of those girls, you at least owe Shy Girl the truth,” Jane points out. She finds herself leaning across the bar. "And the truth is... you’re upset about her quitting.”

Eddie shrugs, choosing to gloss over how he really feels in hopes of getting a second opinion. “But I don’t know why I’d be upset. She’s doing what’s best for her.”

But Eleven clears him immediately.

“Because your abandonment issues tell you she gave up too easily,” She shoves another waffle fry into her mouth. “therefore she didn’t fight hard enough for your relationship.”

Man.

“Otherwise, you two would’ve found a compromise by now,” Eleven keeps going. “Meaning she would’ve stayed. Could’ve stayed.”

She pauses for the dramatics while Eddie uncomfortably clears his throat.

“Should’ve stayed," she finishes.

Bingo. It’s like Eleven found a way to invade Eddie’s mind somehow. Disgusted with himself, it also dawns on him that although the kids are much older now, they’re still sponges. That means they can still read into him and everyone else, even more than they could’ve when they were only 12. And this time around, there’s no filter when it happens. It’s a scary thought.

“I liked you better homeschooled.”

SHRUG-IT-OFF SATURDAY

It’s D&D night at Jeff’s house and you’re in charge of food prep. But you really don't see the point in it anymore, considering bank heist campaigns are way more interesting than the messy charcuterie board in front of you.

"I can't believe tonight will go down as the Craigslist Campaign," Max remarks. "That's where Eddie found these guys, right?"

"It's where Gareth found them," you correct her. "I hope they all get along, though. Campaigns are huge for Eddie."

You watch your boyfriend from the kitchen as he does his thing, kneeling on the wooden table as he prefaces the campaign with an introductory monologue. It all makes you swoon. Eddie is just so animated. It's in the dramatic changes in his voice depending on who he's imitating. His theatrical jazz hands. His extremely detailed, and lucid story-telling that slips so naturally off his tongue.

Eddie Munson knows how to put on a show. As a performer yourself, you can appreciate watching his universes come to life. This is a look into Eddie's mind. His world. His safe space. And he appears to be having a lot of fun with it.

Your lip curls involuntarily. A little too much fun, you think to yourself…shamefully, spitefully.

“You’re not mad at Eddie, are you?”

You look at your sister like she's crazy. Max knows you and your micro-expressions like the back of her hand. Wasn't really a hobby she picked up per se, but more of a survival tactic. It makes you second guess yourself. Surely you didn't make yourself that obvious, did you? But even then, you're not even that bitter about it. So why are you physically reluctant in giving an answer that your brain is so sure of?

“No,” you shake your head. “Why would I be mad?”

“He barely did anything to defend you from those girls,” Max points out. “You’re his girlfriend and what do they get? A slap on the wrist for all of the shit they've done? It’s unfair!”

You silently return to your edible arrangement, putting the grapes next to the cheeses and away from the deli meats so that Gareth doesn't get 'the ick'. Then you grab a wine glass to make a rose shape out of said deli meats. Max doesn't back down.

"It's okay if you're upset," she tries again.

"I'm not upset, Max."

"You're lying."

"Am not!" You quickly jump to defend Eddie. "I genuinely think, and know, that Eddie's a keep-the-peace kind of guy. Besides, Hellfire would've been in jeopardy if he fired those girls."

"Hellfire would've been in jeopardy if Billy pressed those charges."

You think about the fight more often than you would like. It was the only time you've truly seen Eddie out of character.

"But that's different. Billy pushed all the right buttons. I know Eddie. He's not as manic as people paint him out to be."

And as if it were a joke, the Universe uses this impeccable timing to launch you into a panic. Soon the sound of shattered glass and moving chairs fill the room, and when you whip your head over to the sound of the commotion, you're stunned to see your man lunging at one of the strangers that were sat at Jeff's dinner table.

"EDDIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" someone yelps.

"You wanna say that shit again?" Eddie demands. "Huh, do you?"

"What the actual fuck," Max breathes out with her hand clutched to her chest. "That came out of nowhere."

"Disrespecting my fucking friend in his own fucking house?!" he gives the guy another violent rattle. "Huh?!"

You're unsure whether to intervene or not, but the guys seem to have it managed so you just stay put in the kitchen. From what you gathered, the guy said something rude to Jeff, making fun of his class and level and using his character skin as a reason for being inferior to him. But clearly, he was still no match for the Dungeon Master.

Eddie shakes his head in pity.

"Classic fucking bard," Eddie spits. "All that talk and all that charisma, but you're still FUCKING WEAK in battle."

"Hurtful..." Dustin, whose also a bard, whimpers.

"Wasn't talking about you, Henderson," Eddie huffs.

Then who was Eddie talking about? Because according to the look on everyone's faces, his rage didn't align with the severity of the issue at hand. The guy did seem condescending and patronizing when you met him, but all he did was poke fun at Jeff. Something the Hellfire boys already do with one another.

Eddie's outburst is enough to end the campaign early, and the guys who allegedly violated Jeff that badly left without a cue. As everyone cleans up after themselves, Gareth locates all the drinks that Eddie has downed tonight and confiscates them. You remember the time Eddie told you drinking makes him feel gross. Makes him act gross too, apparently.

"Eddie, what the fuck, man? Where did that rage even come from?"

"Dude was cocky as hell," Eddie shakes his head at Gareth. "They can act stupid about it, but I see all the underlying shit. They knew what they were doing."

Suddenly your ears perk up. If you had been the one to say that, you could easily appoint those very sentences to the situation with the Hellfire Girls. The burning in your chest is undeniable now. Of course that's how shit starts to feel when it gets personal.

"No one bullies my boys and gets away with it," Eddie says. "They can get out and stay out."

Max looks back over at you, just as distraught. Then she says exactly what you were thinking but were far too afraid to admit. "Where was that energy when you were at Hellfire?"

You and Eddie go to different bathrooms to collect yourselves, both for entirely different reasons. Seeing Eddie that distressed over something so small really had you wondering if he was upset about something else as well. But then you start getting upset at yourself for not putting your concerns first. And this concern was a huge one. He can do that with his boys but not with you?

“Oh my god,” it dawns on you. “I guess I am disappointed in Eddie.”

And then, from the other side of the house, in Jeff's bathroom, it dawns on Eddie too as he sobers up.

“Oh my god. I guess I am upset with Hargrove.”

SUCKER-PUNCH SUNDAY

“You’re early, babe,” you remark.

Little did you know Eddie would’ve been at your door even earlier, had he not been rehearsing what to say in his van...and doom-scrolling the internet for the past hour.

“Just didn’t wanna be late!” is what he comes up with.

You greet him with a kiss shortly before allowing him into the home. Max is working today while Robin and Vicky were out running errands. This left you both plenty of time to hash things out if needed, both in the living room and the bedroom (if it applies).

C'mon, Hargrove, you urge yourself. Just say it.

"Listen..." you both say at once.

You both pause, glancing over at one another in surprise.

"What are you about to say?" you ask him.

"What are YOU..." he counters. "about to say?"

"You go."

"No no," he deflects. "Ladies first, I insist."

You hate that he's a gentleman sometimes. Out of the many situations where you had to rip the band-aid off, somehow this was the hardest one. After swallowing hard one last time, you finally come out and say it.

"I'm..." you begin. "I've been thinking all week. And... I guess am upset with how shit ended with Hellfire."

Eddie breathes a sigh of relief. "Oh thank god, you too?"

Suddenly, the air seems breathable again. You and Eddie both sigh in relief which then extorts a chuckle out of the two of you. At last, you two seem to be on the same page about this minor discrepancy.

"I've been losing sleep over it all week."

"I've been stress-cleaning trying to think of how to come to you about it!"

"Oh my god..." Eddie laughs.

"This is crazy!" you exclaim.

"I forgive you," the two of you say simultaneously.

Your eyes widen simultaneously as well.

"Wait, what?" you echo one another again.

"What do you mean you forgive me?" you hiss. "I should be the one forgiving you, not the other way around."

"Well... you kinda left me in a crummy spot... leaving Hellfire so soon?" Eddie argues. "And you were almost everybody's favorite dancer too. Outside of Chrissy."

"You left me in a crummy spot!" you place your hands on your hips. "By refusing to fire the dancers who made my life a living hell. The bullying wouldn't stop until I quit and you just let that happen."

"Okay first of all, you chose to quit," Eddie snaps. Anger starts to simmer within you. "After I begged you time and time again not to. And you were the one who told me not to get rid of the dancers because it would've been easier to just get rid of you, the one."

"I still expected you to give them some harsh ass consequences!" you exclaim. "And what do you mean I didn't fight hard enough for you? You shouldn't have to make me fight in the first place."

"You know what I mean," Eddie huffs. "And expected? I can't read your mind, Hargrove! How was I supposed to know what to do?"

How was he supposed to know? How was he supposed to know? Not reassuring at all coming from a business owner and manager. And the gag is Eddie sure knew what to do last night, when something similar happened to his homeboys.

"You literally kicked those dudes out last night for bullying Jeff. At the drop of a hat. But you couldn't do with the girls the same way?"

"Those Craigslist dudes don't pay the BILLS, sweetheart," Eddie emphasizes. "Had they been responsible for my paycheck, I may have approached it differently."

"I don't care anymore!" you exclaim. "Paycheck this, paycheck that. It's the principle of it, Eddie! The girls bullied me and all you did was slap them on the wrist. I expected you to do more."

"There it is again, 'expected'! I'm a simple guy, babe. I can't read you like a puzzle! Say what's on your mind. Why do you have so much trouble speaking up?"

"I shouldn't have to hold your hand through something so simple though. Forget that I'm your girlfriend for just a minute. You should've fired them when you realized they were sabotaging another dancer. And whose to say this was their first time doing it? What if they did it with Isabelle too?"

"Don't talk about Isabelle!" Eddie snaps at you. "You don't know anything that happened with her."

"Oh so now you're defending your ex wife too? OVER ME? Your actual, current girlfriend?! It's just anyone but me at this point. WHY AM I THE LAST PRIORITY? IT'S MY RELATIONSHIP."

"IT'S MY RELATIONSHIP TOO!"

"You don't seem to be fighting for it!"

"You're one to talk! You're the one who left when it got hard."

"I don't leave when shit gets hard," you argue. "I leave when shit doesn't change. When shit becomes toxic."

You did it with your last relationship. You did it when you and Max left Billy. You did it with Hellfire when the torment wouldn't stop. And you might as well do it again with Eddie, if nothing changes.

"You know what apologies without change is?" you grumble. "It's manipulation."

"Oh, so I'm a manipulator now?!" Eddie questions. "I did EVERYTHING you told me to do, but now I'm still a manipulator?!"

"Birds of a feather," you huff angrily. "Living up to the Munson name, huh?"

"That's not fair, baby."

"It is."

"NO, IT'S NOT!" Eddie booms. "How would you feel if I told you that you were living up to the Hargrove name? By blowing shit out of proportion when it doesn't even need to be like that?"

"DOESN'T NEED TO BE LIKE THAT?" you shout. "DOESN'T NEED TO BE LIKE THAT? THOSE BITCHES RUINED ME, PUT SUGAR IN MY GAS TANK, AND YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF READING TOO MUCH INTO IT?"

"Now you're just putting words in my mouth."

"I'd like to put something in your mouth, that's for sure."

"Kinky," Eddie says smartly.

"That's all your mind travels to, is sex isn't it?! No wonder you keep those sluts around."

You and Eddie continue to argue back and forth, the volume of your voices gradually getting louder. Eventually, you grow overwhelmed, and the only thing that will calm you down is a good ol' scream.

Just like a banshee, a high-pitched scream rips through the house.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

You throw a nearby plastic cup at the wall, you're so angry and overstimulated.

"The hell was that?" Eddie questions. A laugh tugs at the corner of his mouth. For a minute, he looks like Billy when he gets a reaction out of you. That really sets you off.

Now you're out for blood. Out for the very thing, every Hargrove wants: the last word. He's right. You are living up to the Hargrove name. But why does it feel so good?

Unable to control yourself, your palms land across Eddie's chest and you shove him into the wall, causing Eddie to short circuit in shock. His face drains to a pale white. Now suddenly, you're Billy. And Eddie is you, looking at you the way you would look at your brother whenever he screamed or punched a wall.

Now Eddie's angry too. As much as he wants to get you back, it's still natural for him to physically refrain himself from doing so. Eddie Munson does not hit women. Wayne raised him better than that.

So instead, he settles for a verbal jab.

“You’re crazy. What is wrong with you, Hargrove?"

It's the damned C word that no enraged woman wants to hear. But now that you've heard it, there's no turning back. You're done with him.

"Get out," you order him.

"Fine," Eddie mutters. "Fine, I'm off to Wayne's anyway!" You stomp after Eddie as he starts making his way towards your door. "He's the only fucking person who seems to understand me."

The two of you share one final look before he heads out.

You hate that it has to end this way, because the devastated demeanor in his beady, brown eyes share that same sentiment. The sorrow is unspoken, but universal. Just as the love and yearning is, even when your words display a lack thereof.

"So you're gonna leave me?" Eddie gulps. "You're gonna leave me, huh? Just like everyone else does?"

You shake your head bitterly. If there's anything about you that you love/hate, it's that you always stand on your business. "Don't worry. Plenty of other bitches in the sea for you."

The final blow to Eddie's chest. Normally Eddie would've been able to recover from that... would've been able to leave the argument untouched after hearing those words... had it not been for you, the only person he truly sees himself with. The only person he would look for in a sea of people.

"I really thought you were different, Shy Girl," Eddie shakes his head. "That's what I get for hiring someone who doesn't understand what the industry can be like."

That's what he hits you with? Just then, the sadness is replaced by resentment entirely.

"I HATE YOU, Eddie Munson," you grimace. "I never want to see your face again."

🏷️ tag list: @chrrymunson , @the-fairy-anon , @ali-r3n , @corrodedcoffincumslut , @bebe07011 , @mmunson86 , @eddiesguitarskills , @chelebelletx , @imonhereforareasonsadly , @eddies-trailer-babe @motherfckerr , @jxpsi , @sidthedollface2 , @manda-panda-monium , @elvendria , @micheledawn1975 , @hereforshmut , @siriuslysmoking , @mediocredreams @nymphetkoo , @m-chmcl-rmnc , @ahoyyharrington , @keepittoyourselftellnobodyelse @kellyxo1 @emsgoodthinkin @winchester-angel @chloe-6123 , @redbarn1995 @angietherose @kiyastrf94 , @purplewitchcauldron @kellsck @joyfulfxckery @munsons-mayhem28 @dragonfire @emma77645 @drivelikenina @livosssblog @thinkingth0ts @hugdealer @ellielunamckay @xblueriddlex @maskofmirrors @babyloutattoo89 @queenofhawkins

[korolife]

Blog No.004📚　24年6月13日

My Visual Method of Learning Japanese Kanji (漢字) part①

～ Let's Pair-up Similar-lookin' Characters Next to Each Other♥!～

There are many ways to learn Japanese. 📔

This way might not be effective or efficient (or even reasonable) for anyone else, but this is the visual approach that I'm currently developing + sharing for possibly any like-minded students it might resonate with!

【Background】

At first, I did the standard "write it down with repetition until you get it right" on flashcards, notebooks, etc. I don't think I ever got it 'right'ーevery optimistic attempt of "I'm gonna get in some daily lessons in today, and successfully absorb this knowledge!!" was always accompanied with this state of... confusion? and being so, so overwhelmed that neither the meaning, the reading, the stroke order, nor even the appearance of the kanji stuck to me at all. I don't think I've ever made it past the list of N4 kanji, even though most words I come across tend to be scattered around the N3-N1 level.

I've tried studying them strictly in order of the listing / then tried loosely with some doodling / or even a cherry-nitpicky minimalistic approach; just-take-what-is-frequently-used-style... but there just seemed to be no end in sight。

『Issue①:』 I wanted to see ALL of the kanji displayed at once, instead of dreading the 'higher levels' hidden from the limited amount displayed at a time; be it from reference books, screen displays on websites or mobile applications, etc. It's definitely just a personal issue, I think haha I just didn't like the surprise sneak attack from so much identical kanji from differing levels that scrambles my brain everytime I encounter a doppelganger. And boy, there's a LOT of those (as you will see).

I thought about making a series of biiiig posters or scrolls I could stick up on a wall, like those kiddie info posters but completely filled with kanji as decoration + motivation + and a bit of a cheat sheet I could easily access at a glance. But just imagining over 2,000 jumbled characters looming over me while I work on my desk or seeing something like that first thing after waking up………it feels a lot unsettling, I think-

『Issue②:』 They're often arranged according to their frequency of usage, stroke order, or general difficulty of the word. Although it's for practicality, it leaves the visual impact completely all over the place. I don't know if I have any underlying conditions that contribute to something trivial like this greatly bothering me past the point of productivity, but it's not even about aesthetics I have an issue with, I don't think? It's just...the arrangement feels so chaotic, or sometimes oddly restrictive that I keep getting distracted. It's like some kind of puzzle I've been trying to solve for 10 hours straight, but it's just me going in circles back to zero. Speaking of puzzles....

Maybe, to save physical space for literally thousands of characters, I thought about placing one kanji on each of a rubik's cube's faces. But that would take a ridiculous amount of cubes and printer ink/alternatively, manually cutting, pasting, and poorly writing very very tiny 0.5inch labels for...two thousand times, at least. By hand.

I'm still tempted to incorporate this idea in some way, but felt unmotivated and lazy with how flimsy and shoddy my handwritten labels were…also printer ink prices continue to be a goddang scam--

I've unfortunately never been a studious student, especially not when it comes to conventional learning methods. It tends to make me want to try ridiculous ideas to get around my own dysfunctionality, because the other option would be... to continue a system that doesn't work and be frustrated, and accomplish nothing; not even a smile.

Because I was learning Japanese out of my own free will, I wanted to have fun with it, because the whole concept of kanji seems really fun in theory!… but not so much in attempted practice as a clueless outsider with no knowledge apart from the standard English reading and writing system.

Even if perceived as a complete waste of time by a lot of people, I still want to understand each individual character to be able to appreciate and greet them accordingly when I encounter them in the wild.

For fun☆!

【Conventional Systems】

I mostly took inspiration from other existing popular learning systems that many people use:

➊The standard N5-N1 System was alright, but I found myself tempted to skip straight to ～N3 where frequently used characters appeared more, despite being barely at the lowest N5 level myself. I wanted all the characters to be visibly accessible…but it got intensely overwhelming so fast. The hierarchal labeling made finding a N1 character have this weird sense of pressure? Like, "oh sht , this word has N1 kanji. mY ELEMENTARY GRADE DUMBASS AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE--"

➋Then there's pictographs. It's interesting, but I thought a lot of them were a little bit of a reach? haha it's basically a visual mnemonic, right? But other people's mnemonics usually have their 'creative logic' that my own may not agree with, so I just end up getting distracted with the internal logic of the image and how it correlates to the kanji instead of absorbing any actual information. I think it has potential, but I'd need to personalize the visual imagery for it to be effective…or at least, have the mnemonic make enough sense to me and not be abstractly distracting. Even by then, the more strokes there are, the more convoluted it looks to even liken it to anything in the real world...Kanji by itself is already a pictogram, I guess...?

➌Then there's the Heisig method. I liked the concept; the goal is for (mostly) foreigners to easily familiarize the 'look' of the kanji character and attach it to a singular meaning. But personally, it wasn't working with how much my brain was confusing every variation of similar-looking patterns that kept reappearing over a span of different kanji, with the same radical appearing in different positions or orientations. Heisig's compilation was good in a sense that I could see a reoccurring pattern and it was most definitely less chaotic to look at now, but they continue to persist so far away from each other? Then adding that element of "the unknown" with kanji I've yet to encounter or seek out for being 'too advanced' with this doppelganger dilemma was driving me absolutely coconuts.

Plus, since it's a method created with absolute beginners in mind, it falls short with the lack of kun- and on- yomi readings…which were what I needed to learn the most.

I decided to combine these three ideas to make my own way.

【??? Personal System】

This system will continuously be developed from here on out until it can actually be functional, but so far, here's what's been done and being planned:

Apparently these were from 8 months ago good lord-

I pretty much just lined up screenshots of a full kanji listing (I believe it was a Jouyou listing) and just...painstakingly played a Match-3 game, but irl, pretty much... and with more back pain

※Reference used to curate these kanji and their information are primarily from ①an app called 'Satori', and ②another app called 'Yomiwa'. Both apps source information from KANJIDIC and JMDict + mixed with a variety of online dictionaries to cross-reference and check for additional info.

I was working on and off on it because staring at nothing but kanji all day will probably make a few screws loose, but I generally continued anytime I was feeling a little down, stressed out, or just had free time. It was oddly therapeutic when I saw the finished arrangements, though. This feeling of "I can't tell if I like it or hate it" reminded me of my thesis days lmao

I had originally planned to put them on 3x3 rubik's cubes, so I initially had to group them by a full set of 9 characters. But the distribution was so unbalanced that each look-alike group was either lacking or exceeding in numbers, and trying to evenly incorporate 'leftovers' into the other groups just looked forced as hell, visually. So, I gave up on the rubik's cube concept and just tried to match at least a row of just 3 look-alikes to then ascend or descend in complexity with their other cousin-distant-lookalikes.

EXAMPLE:

人　大　木

person・big・tree

▲These three I would consider 'cousins'. I wouldn't classify them together in a row of 3 because there are far more identical characters, but after I gather all of each of their sibling groups, I'd most definitely arrange them next to each other in succession as if the 人 was growing more limbs.

太　大　犬

fat・big・dog

▲These three I would consider 'siblings'.

It reminds me of twins that only have differing beauty marks for distinction.

▲And these...are kinda cursed ngl, my double takes had to do their own double takes everytime I would finish grouping something to the 'tree radical' family, and suddenly spotting another one I could've sworn was the exact same character. It made me feel like I was going insane lol I know that the context showing the connecting hiragana is usually a dead giveaway on which kanji it is, regardless of how similar in appearance + how it's going to be read... but man. It's so surreal seeing them all lined up next to each other?? All I see is a forest-

Somewhere along the way, my brain remembered about the elemental periodic table and drew some layouting inspiration from there, too. Ideally, I would love to have all the information already present at a single glance with each character. But with the limited display space, assigning chronological identification numbers on them for now would help in navigating this wide, colorful kanji blanket.

I might've discarded a couple of archaic / overly complex kanji that no one really uses for this list at this moment, but in total, there appears to be 952 rows of trios.

= A total of 2,856 kanji have been included. Unless I miscounted somewhere-

my back hurts-

【Personal Limits + Goals】

I've been learning Japanese the same way I have Englishーvery, very informally; simply picking up what I hear and read in random places and applying them to how my brain interpreted their usage. It's literally like 'playing by ear', musically? except I'm tone deaf as hell-

There are some words (both Eng and Jp) that I surprise even myself when I know how to say it, or suddenly somehow using it during very specific situations, even if I don't know how to define their exact meaning…or even how to pronounce them correctly. Then there's very basic words that are so foreign to me because I have never heard or seen them before, despite possibly being one of the first things teachers introduce in proper lessons.

I can understand verbal Japanese just OK (some common dialects are recognizable too, just as long as it ain't extreme keigo-), my attempt at constructed sentences is weab-level at best and my butchering of the intonations is an atrocity, but most importantly, I can't read most kanji I come across for the life of me without furigana. Even with it, it's usually too dang small in print to even read…

Basically the nutshell of my 'Japanese Reading Practice with Manga' series orz I was so worried about potential copyright infringements, but I misread everything, it just became transformative on its own--

※ADDITIONAL NOTE: There is the onyomi (Orig. Chinese reading used when compounding the character with another to create a word) and the kunyomi (general Japanese reading of the kanji) that I ranked as the 'most important' thing to learn for me...then there's their long-lost wayward sibling: Nanori for Japanese name readings.

It is a ｗｈｏｌｅ new world out there......and I'm good staying indoors, thanks- don't even get me started on kirakira name readings I will cry for those poor unfortunate souls deadass named things like 'PEGASUS' or 'ANGEL LOVE' as their government name good lord

Speaking of names, when I saw Kaedehara Kazuha's name (Genshin Impact) in kanji for the first time :

「楓原万葉」

I read it as "Kazewara Manba"💀he is Manba-kun to me now

ーEven if my overall proficiency is at kindergarten level, for now,

I want to improve at at least recognizing the correct kanji at a regular reading speedーwith no mistaken identities, frantic dictionary pulling-out, or furigana dependency necessary!★

And that's what I want to achieve first and foremost with...whatever this is I'm creating。

+ so I can read manga and novels in peace without constantly squinting at a magnifying glass orz Fluency is kinda moot in my case because... I don't talk to anyone lol-

also, online shtposting in the Jp meme side rly do hit different

　〘ーand I'd like colors to accompany me!〙

『Issue③:』 Every Kanji list overview, regardless of arrangement or method, always gives me anxiety with how sharply white and black it is. That minimalistic uniformity forces you to depend on shapes alone to make inferences... but then you see sht like:

土　VS　士　

(dirt)・(samurai)

末　VS　未

(tip)・(sign of the sheep)

where it's literally the subtlest of LINE LENGTH, a tiny splotch, or the more complex characters that don't even share the same radicals but because they both vaguely have a similar silhouette, they start looking confusing to the brain, I just...............colors are absolutely necessary!! At least, it is definitely the case for my very easily bamboozled noodle that demands distinctive visual variations. I am in the belief that shapes alone will not suffice to memorize the correct information when you have over 2,000 subjects to sift through that... literally copied each other's homework. They kept gaslighting me throughout the process- Ask a Chinese or Japanese friend today if they're doing ok bc holy sht how do ya'll live like this, especially when web browsers tend to squash anything exceeding 14 strokes at regular display font sizes I-

I made the ｺﾛﾚｯﾃKoroLife System (Kororette Life; a wish for a 'colorful life') that pushes more focus on the creative and productive use of colors and patterns for myself, initially for drawing composition purposes... but I found that it was something just as applicable with making everyday tasks way easier and fun to look at.

It eventually took over this project too, and finally gave me what I was looking forーinner peace with a lifetime of beef and animosity with kanji…but in style★

When I said I was a heavy visual learner... this is exactly what I meant-

So…this is my way of arranging nearly 3,000 kanji by rows of 3 visually identical characters that confuses my dyslexic 外人 dumdum the most + making use of colors for subcategorizing them according to their shapes. And, hey, they make for pretty neat stickers!

⇒[FREE TO DOWNLOAD!]

△contains x4 parts of higher quality of each quadrant (transparent bg) + this huge overview display map...or kanji blanket, however you see it as-

Unfortunately there's very little to make of it apart from a display, but as soon as I add some practicality to this system, I will compile them into the 0+ Resource Shop. For now, please feel free to personally use them however you like~! I'm already sticking 'em everywhere-

I divided them into 6 colored categories according to the character's overall perceived 'shape'*: ・Curves (orange)

・Sparks'n'mix (pink)

・Criss-crossing (dark blue)

・Lines (light blue)

・Cubes (yellow) ・囧ﾒ (violet)

・imperfect matches (green)

Highlighted ones are stand-outs, or visually the easiest to digest (to me anyway).

＊these are very arbitrary classifications with flawed, subjective internal logic that has been revised multiple times over. (eg. Even if something has a curve, if I feel like the overall shape has lines that stand out more, then it's in the light blue category instead.)

And with that, I think I'll call it...

The「色々色 / IROIROIRO」 Method!! otherwise known as the 色³ for short!!!

■ 「色」・いろ・(Iro)

➊lit. Color, tint, hue, shade ➋kind, type, variant

■ 「々」・のま・同の字点 / どうのじてん・(noma / dou no jiten)

Kanji repetition mark; placed beside a repeating kanji.

■ 「色色 / 色々」 ・いろ・(Iroiro)

various, all sorts of

■「³」・３乗足す / さんじょうたす・３の立方 / さんのりっほう・(san jyou tasu / san no rihhou)

mathematical term.; Cubed, to the power of 3 pls don't ask me for the actual application specifics, I get a 3/10 average on my math tests-

It's a fun pun! Kinda.

【Preliminary Conclusion】

Is it an effective strategy to master Japanese kanji at all, though? Maybe not. At least, probably not just by this visual display alone. I honestly don't expect anyone else benefitting much from this project, but it personally really reinvigorated me to continue studying Japanese again. It's strange how something that caused me so much feelings of dread and anxiety for the majority of my early teen years, suddenly feels so much fun to work with. All it needed was sleep deprivation, some touch of personalization, and a little bit of color!… ok, well, a lot of color-

It's a complete homebrew, unverified by anyone, and I guess a little insane, but I thought it turned out kinda cool anyway, so I thought I'd share it! What do you think? I'll write up an update about any further developments in this silly lil system the next time. I'm thinking of somehow fitting in all the definitions, readings, stroke orders, and maybe samples of their usage... but also in style★ somehow-

We'll workshop it, even if it takes another additional 8 months!!!

Until then! バイバイ(￣▽￣)／

つづく

➡To be continued...

・・・ホームページALL LINKS・・・

・Art Gallery・Commission Info・Ko-fi shop・

[hambor12]

So, in order to give myself some sort of daily practice over the summer, i've compiled a list of 100 random video game characters varying heavily in source game genre, tone, visual style, species, and overall significance. From there, i use an online d100 to determine which ones I draw that week. I plan on eventually lining and coloring these sketches but I might as well compile them as I go along each week. This past week's rolls are: 004: Mihaly from Just Dance 2023 Edition 086: Goro Majima from Yakuza 0 031: Bobby Bass from Someguy2000's Fallout New Vegas quest mod New Vegas Killer 062: HK-47 from Star Wars: The Old Republic 094: First Cousin Opeo from the Katamari Damacy series Notes: - right now trying to figure out how stylized or personalized I want to go with some of these, or if I should try and veer closer to "canon visual direction". Some I may need to take more liberty with others due to being so obscure or minor that reliable art is few and far between - Saul Goodman turned out to be a really good visual guide for the kind of sleazy suit business guy that Bobby Bass exemplifies. Similar hair and age range also helped out

[rcgued]

an independent, private multimuse blog featuring characters from george rr martin's a song of ice and fire series and fire & blood. a mixture of book-based, show-based & head canon-based. as loved by cat. please note: this blog is super low activity & will be iconless.

//. RULES (MOBILE FRIENDLY BELOW) ///. MUSES BELOW ////. HEAVILY AFFILIATED WITH : @stovmborn, @winterreigned, @theyoungwclf, @scndor // @prodigum

PRIMARY : i. daemon targaryen // fire & blood. ii. jon snow // asoiaf.

SECONDARY : iii. jaime lannister // asoiaf. iv. bran stark // asoiaf.

TERTIARY : vi. rhaegar targaryen // asoiaf. vii. tyrion lannister // asoiaf.

TEST : viii. ramsay bolton // asoiaf. ix. arya stark // asoiaf.

RULES :

001. mun’s name is cat and i am 25 years old. this blog will be super low activity and very selective as i don't have much free time and like to write as a hobby! sadly threads will be dropped and replies may take days to weeks, so if that isn’t your style, i don’t think we will be compatible as writing partners.  i'm very much an adult and therefore don't feel comfortable writing with anyone under the age of  21.  if you are under 21, i’m sorry but this is not the place for you and i kindly request you do not follow as i will not follow back.

002. if we are mutuals, i am always open to plot! i generally much prefer long form writing, but i'm also always happy for asks etc as i find they are a great way to get the ball rolling.  shipping is something that, for me, requires a lot of talking and planning but i am always open to it if there is chemistry between both muns and muses.  additionally, and this is REALLY IMPORTANT PLS READ:  i do not write smut. i am not remotely interested in smut. this blog is fundamentally about exploring characters emotions & motivations. smut makes me uncomfortable and i am not willing to do it. i may do a little bit of very tame nsfw stuff (that honestly is probably safe for work) but even that is reserved for people i feel super comfortable with. if smut is what you are looking for, this is not the place to come searching for it.

additionally, i do not write incest. this includes daemeyra, jonerys & jonsa (although my jon is NOT a targ, i still do not write jonerys other than a pre-established, long running plot i have).

please do not force ships; i will hard block.

003.

there will be triggering things on this blog, as is the nature of asoiaf. i will do my best to tag them accordingly but. if things like gore, death & incest are triggering for you i suggest not following as they will be prevalent on this blog.

004.

my characters are largely hc based, as well as both book and show, meaning they will differentiate from the characters in the book/show.  i’m more than happy to interact with show only mutuals, but i ask that you bear this in mind!!

005.

I AM SELECTIVE WITH OC'S. i will only interact if oc's have a well thought out and well written bio that makes sense with my muse. i would also prefer interacting ooc first if you do have an oc.

[fe3o4-break]

                                     .𖥔 ݁ ˖    ,    silver    ─    / ˈsɪlvə /

#Fe3O4-BREAK is a personal interpretation of silver the hedgehog as seen in SONIC THE HEDGEHOG media. ⠀ / ⠀ * ⠀ as written by dori.

001. for my portrayal, it is necessary to keep in mind that silver doesn't have any particular set universe, & therefore this interpretation can be flexible & adhere to either the games, comics, or film series.

002. no generally impolite behaviour, god-modding, or incessantly spamming me for a roleplay / badgering me for a response to one. i do whatever i want in order to be comfortable on my account. i believe in mutual respect.

003. my writing style tends to be descriptive & written from a third person point of view, but can turn increasingly wild depending on the situation. feel free to write however & whatever you want; i'm alright with any kind of topics ranging from dark & grimy to upbeat & bubbly. since fiction ≠ reality, i also don't mind hostility, animosity, and swears between muses.

004. i'm 18 years old and i go by dori. please ask to follow if you're under 16 or over 25.

005. my version of silver is aged 14-15 (exact age unknown) when he first travels back in time, and is currently aged around 16. romantic relationships are acceptable.

➭ CONTACT ME to discuss plots!

[whataweirdfeeling]

HELLO welcome to WAWF WEDNESDAY your monthly WAWF update [1st Wednesday of each month]

Considering it is now the month of May @whataweirdfeeling favorite short film is at its 6th & final of the ongoing hexalogy that is 'CLAIR' Find out more about the film and check out what else WAWF has been up to and more

Read below to find out what else WAWF has been up to this month

WAWF NEWS: LVL 6

CLAIR is a bi-annual/seasonal short film by our curator @vyngak [Half released Nov 30 & half May 3] based on clairaudience and the paradoxical nature of music and history symbolically repeating itself through quicker stronger and faster natures The path of CLAIR is a journey all told as a true story of real world events intuitively experienced then reimagined in a glamorously exaggerated fictional universe All for the love of music All for the love of art Walk through CLAIR’s plethora of tastes mediums and discoveries Grow with it as it has and will continue to grow with the ever changing universe Watch and listen to each CLAIR on our curators Instagram @vyngak as we approach the official release of clVIr [lvl 6]

WAWF’s CRANKING

Recent: Hyperdrama [Album] - Justice

Bars ~ WE STILL DON’T TRUST YOU [Album] - Future, Cold Visions [Album] - Bladee, The Coldest [Album] - Skilla Baby,

Alt ~ All Born Screaming [Album] - St. Vincent, Teething [Album] - Porij, Your Day Will Come [Album] - Chanel Beads

Smooth ~ PARTYNEXTDOOR 4 [Album] - PARTYNEXTDOOR, Jeremy [Album] - Yung Bleu, Boundaries [Album] - Sinéad Harnett

Lowkey: BRODIE WORLD [Album] - AG CLUB

Bars ~ My Gift To You [Ep] - Hardrock, Molly Santana [Album] - Molly Santana, BORN2BEGREAT [Single] - Untiljapan

Alt ~ Still Corners [Album] - Dream Talk, Save The World [Album] - AceMo, Dennis [Album] - Sega Bodega

Smooth ~ Two Star & The Dream Police [Album] - Mk.gee, Still [Album] Erika de Casier, Fabiana Palladino [Album] - Fabiana Palladino

Still in Rotation: 99.9% [Album] - KAYTRANADA

Bars ~ The Life of Pablo [Album] - Ye, Whole Lotta Red [Album] - Playboi Carti, Birds In The Trap Sing McKnight

Alt ~ The Slow Rush [Album] - Tame Impala, City Club [Album] - The Growlers, Thunder [Single] - Roy Blair

Smooth ~ Blonde [Album] - Frank Ocean, “Awaken, My Love!” [Album] - Childish Gambino, Heaven or Hell [Album] - Don Toliver

Throwback: Kala [Album] - M.I.A.

Bars ~ Stankonia [Album] - OutKast, The Shining [Album] - J Dilla, #1 Girl [Album] - Mindless Behavior

Alt ~ Contra [Album] - Vampire Weekend, The Lumineers [Album] - The Lumineers, Plastic Beach [Album] - Gorillaz

Smooth ~ 4 [Album] - Beyoncé, Corinne Bailey Rae [Album] - Corinne Bailey Rae, Comin' From Where I’m From [Album] - Anthony Hamilton

WAWF’s MAKING

Welcome to #WAWFsmaking where you can check out new @whataweirdfeeling creations or join in on the fun

In honor of the official release of clVIr [lvl 6] this Friday [May 3rd] @whataweirdfeeling wanted to keep it animated with the official release of the new show/mini series we have been working on.. STAY TUNED

Join WAWFie [WAWF internet Explore] on his first adventure! Through 'The Adventures of WAWFie' #WAWF will grow and learn about each and every one of the intricacies the World Wide Web has to offer..through animation of course

See Ep 1 of 'The Adventures of WAWFie' on Instagram @whataweirdfeeling and let us know in the comments where you would like WAWFie to venture in the next episode

WAWF’s Wearing

In honor of 'CLAIR' check out our new @whataweirdfeeling x T33n Ang$t article '#WAWFt33n' styled with some specific editorial T33n Ang$t pieces similar to those of past CLAIR films

Also be sure to check out our new @whataweirdfeeling x Backtracking Film collab drop for WAWF Shop Drop 004 - 'Keep Calm and #WAWF'

Backtracking will be showing May 4th at the Grace St. Theatre

Along with promoting/supporting growing artists like these WAWF magazine pushes fashion culture and much more

Words/Curated by

[jingleilau]

Task 004 (Modified)

GENERAL

FULL NAME: - Jing Lei “Jimmy” Lau

AGE/DOB: - 40 / June 20, 1983

HEIGHT: - 6’1”

WEIGHT: - 170 lbs.

ETHNICITY: - Singaporean/British

GENDER: - Male

HAIR: - Black

EYES: - Brown

SCARS: - None

TATTOOS: - None

PIERCINGS: - None

LANGUAGES: - English, Malay, and Mandarin

EDUCATION: - Masters in Biology

OCCUPATION: - Biology Teacher at Covaire High

SEXUAL IDENTIFICATION: - Sapiosexual

ROMANTIC IDENTIFICATION: - Demiromantic

 SPECIFICS

FAVORITE FOOD: - Bok Chor Mee and Laksa

FAVORITE DRINK: - Teh Tarik

FAVORITE BRAND: - N/A

FAVORITE PLACE: - City Parks

FAVORITE HOBBY: - Birdwatching (Except for Pigeons)

FAVORITE ARTIST: - Local Covaire Artists

FAVORITE MUSICIAN: - N/A

FAVORITE TV SHOW: - Local and World News

FAVORITE MOVIE: - Godzilla Series

FAVORITE BOOK: - Any book written by Agatha Christie

FAVORITE SCENT: - Lemon and Mint

FAVORITE COLOUR: - Reds and Purples

FAVORITE TEXTURE: - Velvet

FAVORITE PERSON: - Himself

 RANDOM

LIST FIVE THINGS THEY LIKE: - Himself, Intelligence, Birds other than pigeons, Cleanliness, Books

LIST FIVE THINGS THEY DISLIKE: - Bathroom Play, Stupid People, Rats, Clinginess, and Pigeons

LIST TWO SEX POSITIONS THEY PREFER: - Camel Style and 69

LIST TWO SEX POSITIONS THEY AVOID: - Rimming (Giving) and Anal (Receiving)

[wolfknightpoe]

Task 004 - Back to Basics

GENERAL

FULL NAME: - Vincent Everest Poe AGE/DOB: - 30. August 4th, 1992 HEIGHT: - 6’0”/ 183 cm WEIGHT: - 180 lbs. / ≈ 81.65 kg. ETHNICITY: - Caucasian/English (Family has been in Covaire since around it’s founding. Originally from Devonshire and Cornwall in England) GENDER: - Cis-Male HAIR: - Brown EYES: - Brown SCARS: - Has a scar on the back of his head that is hidden by his hair from a blow to the head and some (now faded) defensive wounds on his forearms and right thigh from bites he received from his assailant just before he was triggered and shifted. TATTOOS: - None PIERCINGS: - None LANGUAGES: - English, French, and German. Learning Spanish. EDUCATION: - Business Management Bachelor's Degree OCCUPATION: - Owner of Poe Watercraft Sales and Repairs SEXUAL IDENTIFICATION: - Pansexual ROMANTIC IDENTIFICATION: - Demiromantic TEMPERAMENT: Choleric – Sanguine: Vincent / Sanguine – Choleric: Alter MYERS BRIGGS TYPE: ESTJ: Vincent / ENFJ MORAL ALIGNMENT: Lawful Neutral: Vincent / Lawful Good: Alter

SPECIFICS

FAVORITE FOOD: - Anything using venison FAVORITE DRINK: - Tom Collins, Whiskey Smash, and Hot Toddy (If he isn’t drinking citrus juices or water) FAVORITE BRAND: - None FAVORITE PLACE: - Desires FAVORITE HOBBY: - Hiking FAVORITE ARTIST: - None FAVORITE MUSICIAN: - None, but is a big fan of Power Metal, Classic Rock, and Folk-Pop FAVORITE TV SHOW: - None FAVORITE MOVIE(S): - The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938), A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966), Dragonheart (1996), and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) FAVORITE BOOK: - Legends of Cartorra (Series) FAVORITE SCENT: - Citrus FAVORITE COLOUR: - Orange FAVORITE TEXTURE: - Soft Fur FAVORITE PERSON: - Lucy Poe nee Martin

RANDOM

LIST FIVE THINGS THEY LIKE: - Watercraft, Reading, Hiking, Swimming, Parties: Vincent / Questing, Hunting, Visiting with the Nymphs and Satyrs, Hiking, and Fishing LIST FIVE THINGS THEY DISLIKE: - Violence (Against himself), Non-con, Filth, Disloyalty to Covaire, Hunters PET PEEVE: - Violence (Against himself) PERSONALITY TYPES THEY PREFER: - No preference PERSONALITY TYPES THEY AVOID: - No preference ACHILLES HEEL: - Violence (Against himself), Wolfsbane, and Silver LIST THREE THINGS THEY LIKE ABOUT THEMSELVES: - Their strength, Their Loyalty, Their skill with watercraft LIST THREE THINGS THEY DISLIKE ABOUT THEMSELVES: - Their tendency towards violence when attacked, Losing themselves to their condition, Being connected to the members of the family that got his line demoted from their status among Covaire’s Elite. FASHION STYLE: - Modern Casual LIST TWO SEX POSITIONS THEY PREFER: - Doggystyle, Face-off LIST TWO SEX POSITIONS THEY AVOID: - Carrying Positions (Without a wall), Spooning

[cherrylng]

STYLE Series #004 - Muse (August 2010)

Revealing all of the terrifying aesthetics depicted by Muse

[carasarchive]

004. Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies (1899)

The Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies is by Claude Monet. Monet was a French painter and one of the most critical figures of the Impressionist movement, which bloomed in the late 19th century. Monet's style was characterized by his approach to capturing light and color in the organic world; he often worked outdoors to capture different lighting at different hours of the day. Monet aimed to break away from traditional art and focused on capturing the light and movement of a scene rather than a detailed series of it. Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies was painted in 1893. and had purchased land with a pond near his property with the intent to build something for aesthetics and also to paint. Thus, he created his very own water lily garden. There is a total of twelve complete paintings in his Water Lily series. 

My takeaway is how much emotion and movement you can create with little fine detail. When I was younger, I saw one of his water lily series up close at the McNay, and ever since then, I have been fascinated with impressionism and how we can use several strokes without refining them to make a cohesive image. I also enjoy this one in particular because you can see the spring season starting to end with the notes of a darker, deeper brown to emphasize change. However, the more I look at it, the more it could be a time of day change. However, I enjoy the subtle notes of pink and want to incorporate softer tones into my work. I feel like I am always trying to perfect something, and Monet’s work reminds me to go with the flow. 

[carastinks]

004. Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies (1899)

The Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies is by Claude Monet. Monet was a French painter and one of the most critical figures of the Impressionist movement, which bloomed in the late 19th century. Monet's style was characterized by his approach to capturing light and color in the organic world; he often worked outdoors to capture different lighting at different hours of the day. Monet aimed to break away from traditional art and focused on capturing the light and movement of a scene rather than a detailed series of it. Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies was painted in 1893. and had purchased land with a pond near his property with the intent to build something for aesthetics and also to paint. Thus, he created his very own water lily garden. There is a total of twelve complete paintings in his Water Lily series. 

My takeaway is how much emotion and movement you can create with little fine detail. When I was younger, I saw one of his water lily series up close at the McNay, and ever since then, I have been fascinated with impressionism and how we can use several strokes without refining them to make a cohesive image. I also enjoy this one in particular because you can see the spring season starting to end with the notes of a darker, deeper brown to emphasize change. However, the more I look at it, the more it could be a time of day change. However, I enjoy the subtle notes of pink and want to incorporate softer tones into my work. I feel like I am always trying to perfect something, and Monet’s work reminds me to go with the flow. 

[farmerbell1013]

Check out this listing I just added to my Poshmark closet: FINAL MARKDOWN! Gucci Solid Ocher Rectangular Ladies Sunglasses! LIMITED EDITION.