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commander-krios · 1 month

Text

Coming to Terms

Fandom: Mass Effect Pairing: Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard Rating: Mature Summary: Stars.

Majestic celestial objects that can make a human, or a turian, or an asari, feel small as they gaze upon them. Called on for protection, a symbol of divinity, "wish upon a star"… they are meant to bring comfort, inspiration, awe.

But for Joker and his Commander, they are a reminder of a tragedy that both wish to forget.

Words: 3096 Additional Tags: PTSD, Trauma, Death and Resurrection, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Bruises, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Friends to Lovers, Budding Love, Pining

Gift for @cat-shepard for the @hatboyexchange

Read on AO3

“EDI.” Joker said, trying to keep himself from cringing at the fact that he was talking to the damned AI willingly. Out of all the goddamn things that could've infested his ship, an artificial intelligence controlled by a well known terrorist organization was at the bottom of his list. Well, it would've been if he had a list. “Where’s the Commander?”

“Commander Shepard is in the starboard observatory, Mr. Moreau.”

“Thanks.” He muttered, brushing a hand through his hair, noting how he could probably use a haircut soon. When he finally shuffled to the door that separated him from his best friend, he paused.

What the hell was he going to say?

Joker knew he had no right to demand anything from Shepard, but he thought their friendship meant more to her. But she ran off to take down some crazy mind melting asari without even so much as a warning. After everything Cerberus had done to bring her back, after everything he'd suffered because of her death...

This was what Kaidan meant when he said that fraternization caused trouble.

I’m so in love with her that I can’t even let her do her job without worrying.

Forcing himself to focus, Joker took a breath to steady the nervous tremor in his hands before he entered the starboard observatory.

The lights were off and his eyes took a moment to adjust to the dark after the bright white of the hall. The shutters were open wide, giving him a marvelous view of the stars in the distance. Blue, white, even red blinked back at him as he stared into the blackness of space and for a moment, he felt inconsequential compared to the rest of the universe.

Then he saw her.

Shepard was standing slightly to the left of his eyeline, hands pressed up against the window. Her breath was leaving little puffs of condensation on the glass, but her gaze was focused outward, on the stars or whatever it was she saw in her own head. He realized, too late, that she was wearing her sleepwear.

“How long have you been standing here?” He asked, trying to avoid staring at the shorts and barely there tank top that covered her body. Focus, Joker.

“I’ve been thinking.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he tried to look anywhere else, hoping for a distraction. There was a weird totum sitting on a side table. Probably something of Samara’s if the design was anything to go by. “Yeah? How’s that going for you?”

With a sigh, she faced him, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back against the window. Those ever perceptible eyes were hard to resist and he found himself meeting them. Her insanely bright auburn hair was unbrushed, tangled, some strands sticking to her forehead. And that's when he noticed the bruising along her collarbone. From the fight against the ardat-yakshi if he had to make a guess.

“Jeff, why are you here? You seemed upset earlier.”

He tried to swallow past the lump in throat, but he almost felt like he was going to choke. So he cleared his throat instead. That helped… somewhat. “I am upset. You tried to get yourself killed."

He saw the eye roll she attempted to hide. "I did not-"

"Running headlong into danger with no backup? Sounds familiar."

It was painfully familiar, the status quo, a normal day following a Spectre around. But even in the dimness of the room, Joker could see the injuries against her pale skin, and he felt his heart pound uncomfortably beneath his ribs. Did she realize how close she'd been to death for a second time?

"Joker." The tone she spoke in was a warning, giving him the chance to backpedal, to change the direction of the conversation, but Jeff Moreau wasn't a coward.

Or at very least, he didn't know when to shut his mouth.

"Is one death not enough for you, Commander? Need to add a few more to the count?"

Her eyes, emerald oceans that were burned into the back of his mind, flashed angrily in response. "How can you even ask me something like that, Joker? Do you think I find this fun? I didn't ask for any of this!"

All he could see haunting him at nights for nearly two years were green eyes peering out a helmet, eyes that begged for help and he was too weak to give it. Then an explosion before he felt nothing at all.

"Yeah, well, neither did I."

She stared at him in the cold silence, eyes peering into whatever was left of his soul. He wasn't sure if he still had one after he'd sold most of it to Cerberus. He stared back, refusing to back down even though she was terrifying when she was angry: all fiery righteousness and snark. They were a lot alike in that way. Maybe it's why they were such good friends.

And why they got on each other's nerves so easily.

Shepard turned away, eyes fixed on a faraway point in the space that stretched endlessly beyond the window. They'd disembarked from Omega only an hour before and the Normandy, carrying her crew and the infamous Commander, passed the relay that they'd need to brave soon enough. To go somewhere no one had returned from before.

The very place that would most likely become their graves regardless of what happened with the Collectors.

The Omega-4 relay’s eerie glow reminded Joker of blood, and not for the first time, he was apprehensive about what was to come. They had little knowledge about what was beyond the relay besides a black hole and the Collector base. And the ship that had destroyed the first Normandy and taken the illustrious Commander Shepard with it.

But he didn’t want to lose her again.

The thought was the most selfish thing he’d allowed himself in years, but dammit, she'd already died once. Lost two years. She’d packed as much living as she could in the last few months, in preparation for the suicide mission, but it wasn’t enough.

It never would be enough.

At first, he didn't think she was going to say anything else. Perhaps he'd really just pissed her off to the point that she was finished with him. And if he was honest, he deserved it. Probably deserved worse actually. It was his fault that she'd died the first time. And if she died a second time past the Omega-4, Joker would be the one flying her to the end again.

The thought left an uncomfortable lump in his throat. Was he always going to be responsible for putting Shepard in danger? If he was in her shoes, he wasn't sure he'd be able to forgive it.

Joker took a step to the door, deciding belatedly it was a bad idea to bring up his grievances with his boss when she hadn't had any choice in the matter in the first place. People usually only lived one time. Once you were dead, that was it, no second chances. Shepard did get a second chance, but it was against her will.

Joker wondered if he hadn't been so ready to throw in with Cerberus because of what they'd promised, maybe she would still be at peace, away from the galaxy sucking squid in dark space.

He'd barely taken a step when he heard his name on her breath, a whisper so soft that he thought he'd imagined it at first. His steps faltered and Joker nearly tripped over his own feet, grateful when he managed to get a hand out and steady himself against the small table beside him. The last thing he needed to do was break his neck and have the most pathetic death in all of the galaxy.

He waited, the silence grating on his ears. The air circulator kicked on, whirring above him as the fresh oxygen cycled into the room. It was cool against his skin, leaving goosebumps along his exposed flesh, and he shivered, a thought coming unbidden.

How painful was it for Shepard when she was left gasping for that same oxygen two years ago?

"Do you..." He paused, finding the words difficult to come by. He settled on going with the first thing that came to mind. Honesty was always the best policy, right? That's what the vids wanted him to believe. "Do you wish you were dead?"

Joker immediately noticed the flinch as his question hit her. She glanced at him, eyes wide, mouth parted in surprise. "Is that what you think?"

He shrugged, trying to not break down in front of Shepard, the last thing he needed was for her to see his weakness, but an uneasy feeling curled in his gut. Joker dropped his gaze, unable to look at her anymore, biting back the wave of nausea that nearly overwhelmed him. "Actions speak louder than words, Shepard."

The Commander was always a risk-taker with her own life, jumping into danger without a thought for her own mortality. But lately, it seemed like she was toying with her life, caring little if she made it out of the fight alive, even with the Reaper threat hanging over their heads. She was a war hero, a Spectre, practically a goddamned legend.

One with a death wish.

With a heavy sigh, Shepard slid to the floor in front of the massive viewport, sticking her legs out in front of her. Her back was pressed against the hull of the ship and she leaned her head against the glass of the window, eyes fixed on the ceiling, body sagging under the enormous weight upon her shoulders. The inevitable destruction of the galaxy was something no one should bear alone.

"Shepard-"

"Do you know what I see when I look out there?" She nodded her head towards the expanse of stars behind her. She wouldn't glance at the view herself, but even from where he stood, he could see the exhaustion on her face: dark circles under her eyes like more bruises, creases between her eyebrows where she held some of her tension, the drooping corner of her lips.

"If you wanted to watch fiery balls of gas, I'm sure Jack has a way to make it more fun." Joker paused, rethinking his train of thought immediately as his brain screamed 'danger' at him. "You know what, pretend I didn't suggest that. She might-"

Blow up this Normandy too.

The words died on his tongue. Shepard must've sensed where his thoughts went because her frown deepened.

Stupid, Joker. As if Shepard wasn't already haunted by dying in the cold vacuum of space.

Closing her eyes tightly, Shepard took a deep shaking breath, her fingers curling painfully into her thighs. She was paler than usual, the freckles dusting her arms and cheeks looking odd against her skin. This close, he could see the hairline design of her cybernetic scars, glowing crimson red, a match to the creepy glow of the Omega-4 relay.

At least she's breathing now.

The thought almost made him vomit.

It took nearly all of his strength to speak again, knowing that he'd probably say something stupid as fuck. But she needed to hear what he had to say even if she didn't want to believe the truth of it. With a sigh, Joker crossed the room, trying to not hurt himself as he settled into the spot next to her, on the floor and all. His joints protested the movement, but Shepard was worth the discomfort.

The side of the ship was surprisingly not freezing to the touch. He leaned back, eyes watching Shepard as she kept her eyes shut even though she knew he was there. He wanted badly to reach out and touch her, to take her hand in his and bring some kind of comfort to the pain she was feeling.

But he knew what trauma did to a person. And it was unlikely to go away without a fight. The real question was whether she wanted to fight.

Neither spoke as they sat there, the air circulator the only sound in the room besides the roar of blood in Joker's ears. The warmth of Shepard's body kept him from freezing under the direct path of the compressor and he shifted slightly closer, his arm brushing against hers, skin against skin, and he shivered.

"Jeff."

"Hmm?"

Her voice was quiet when she spoke again, almost as if she was afraid to admit she held any sort of weakness. Which was absurd, but then Joker knew exactly how she felt about that. Sometimes, it was better for everyone if you didn't admit you were only human. Everyone felt safer if they believed they followed a superhuman, so that's what people like Shepard pretended to be.

If only that made you one.

"There is a window above my bed." She paused, almost as if she couldn't believe it herself. "I can't go up there knowing it's there. I can't sleep as it is but if I try to sleep in that bed..."

Joker could understand the implications. Waking up to see the stars so close above her... it would only remind her of the last time she'd seen the stars so closely.

And it was his fault.

He'd done this to Shepard. His ego, his assurance that he could save a fucking ship over the human lives that it carried... Some fucking pilot he was. Despite the people who'd made it off, so many still died that day. Like Chase, and Pressly, and Grenado, and Tanaka...

And Shepard.

"I'm sorry." The words slipped out before he could stop them. His head thumped against the window, the stars mocking him from where they hung. "I... If I'd listened the first time you told me to abandon ship, you would've never been there when it..."

When it was destroyed.

"What?" Shepard glanced at him, watching him cautiously in the darkness. "Jeff, if you didn't keep the ship on course, if you didn't try to evade the shots, more of us would've died. Including you. And if you weren't here, I don't know what I would do."

Joker snorted, a humorless noise that sounded wrong in the emptiness of the room. "I'm sure you'd be fine without me fucking up your life. You got killed because of me. I've had to live with that for two years and I thought... that maybe Cerberus could bring you back. Maybe we could go back to before."

But they couldn't because nothing would ever be the same again.

"It's my fault."

Her hand slipped into his gently. With a light squeeze, she sat up, taking care to avoid looking out of the window behind them. Somehow, he found it in himself to meet her gaze. He didn't deserve her understanding or her sympathy, but it was there nonetheless.

"I would've never left you behind, Joker. You know that."

And that only made him feel more guilty.

"You shouldn't have to make that choice."

Shepard huffed a laugh, staring at their entwined hands. The dark circles were worse close up. He guaranteed she wasn't sleeping at all. "I've never had much of a choice in anything, Joker. Before death and apparently after."

"I'm-"

"Don't you dare say 'sorry' again, Moreau." She snapped at him, eyes flashing dangerously. "It doesn't matter what you think happened two years ago. I wasn't going to leave you behind. There was never a 'but' or 'if' involved. If you were going down, I was going with you. And if there was a chance I could save you, then I had to take it."

Joker stared at her, feeling somehow worse and better at the same time. "Out of everyone on the ship, you went down for me? Why? And how could you leave me to deal with the fallout?"

She swallowed loudly, eyes shifting to stare at the stars over his shoulder, gaze lost in a sea of memories. "You're my best friend, Joker. Always were and I..." Taking a deep breath, she finally looked at him again. "I would do it again, even if it meant I'd die again."

A flare of anger kindled in his chest. "I've suffered for two fucking years over this. Lost my career, my friends, everything, because of the mistake I made. I lost Commander Shepard on my watch! And you! The worst thing of all is you were gone. I had nothing! And you act like it was the easiest choice in the galaxy."

Her eyes avoided his and it only made him angrier.

"You didn't see what happened after! You were dead and you didn't have to worry about it anymore. You were Commander Shepard, War Hero, Spectre, Savior. What is my life to yours? Nothing, according to the Alliance."

And no matter how much of an ego he had, he did agree with the brass. No one could replace Shepard.

Shepard reached forward with her free hand and cupped his jaw, the tips of her fingers running over the shadow of his beard. He froze at her touch, unsure of what was happening, his heart hammering so loudly in his chest that he was positive she could hear it from where she sat.

“Thank you.” She whispered, her fingers brushing up his face before carding through his hair. “Thank you for being here. I know it isn't ideal, but without you, Joker, I would've turned myself into the Alliance, let them decide what to do with me.” Shepard finally met his eyes, tears trailing down her cheeks, leaving wet tracks in her skin. "You are important, Jeff. One of the most important people to me. The hell with the Alliance. As long as I have you, I'll keep going as long as I can."

His throat closed up, emotion nearly bringing him to tears as well. Every time he tried to talk, he found that each set of words meant little after what she'd said. He was important to her. It wasn't a love confession or anything, but fucking hell, it was better than that. She respected him. She needed him.

Joker had never been needed before.

Somehow, even as his head spun with everything Shepard had said, Joker managed a pathetic, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

And Shepard smiled at him. She was exhausted, injured, and full of a trauma that would never be buried, but he had an effect on her. For a moment, in the stillness of the starboard observatory, the galaxy was at peace.

#my writing #mass effect #mass effect trilogy #cat-shepard #jeff joker moreau #jeff moreau #joker moreau #femshep #female shepard #femshep x joker #shoker #hatboy exchange

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