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tamiddyinyourcity · 5 years ago

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there really is a sad irony to me having to tell Patrick #1 on multiple occasions how im not into the idea of long term poly (pretty much due to abandonment issues, and being annoyed at not having time made for me or knowing that someone else has what i want,) just for that to still happen

I guess if a dude cant understand the whole "so yeah, i just wouldnt feel comfortable if what we had wasnt exactly special or just replaceable like that or things you say or do to me could happen with any other girl on the same day or another" discussion three different times than he never would

like???? how hard was it to get?

he didnt understand why i was hurt at all when he told me about the girls he had been cuddling naked with, since there "was no other dates to really go on where he was", (nigga............ liar,) but suddenly he understood the concept all too well upon seeing the text "haha yeah just at a party rn, really glad my boyfriend got to take me there"

And THEN he got PRESSED????? WHY????

"well thats different", how? how would that be different, man?

and not even on some long distance couple shit, i was *single* and he expected me to wait up on him and just stay hurt and crying in the library about the relationship with him that he was all too quick to forget about?

maybe if communication was different, but there wasnt much on my side that i could do. he thought pushing me away would work well, and it did.... but then he got shocked that yes, i moved on in the time it took for you to push me away.

Jesus, dude.

I just.... i dunno. He was the kind of guy to tell me he could picture me being in his life for a really long time, and admiring me. We had a lot of nice romantic moments, he was a special sort of relationship for me. It just started off as "oh look, cute muscular dude at the ice cream shop likes my necklace and wants my phone number. cool, cant wait till he pumps and dumps me then leaves me on read soon", but somehow it ended up as us dating for the entire summer...... boo yeah.

EUGHHHHHHHH i fucking HATE that i still get emotional thinking about it, fuck. :/

This was our song....

Played at a baseball game where we got on kiss cam.

Bitch, im gonna start crying if i write the story out--

Well, it was our 4th date, since I guess he really liked me after our 3rd date (and all the sex) we had a few days before. We walked around the lake that spans across my entire city until the sun went down, I took him to my favorite old school century old movie theater, and the night got finished off at In-and-Out, (where his extrovert ass couldn't help but immediately, and i do mean IMMEDIATELY strike up a conversation with the first man he met in the public restroom..... i laugh, reflecting on the massive personality differences between us,) and talked to an older gentleman about his cool SF Giants hat.

I guess when they both came out, the old guy was happy to see me and him trying to balance origami In-and-Out hats on each other's heads, with them falling to the ground each time. Ahhh, fuck.

So mid-eating, he just totally walked up to us and gifted me and him two free Giants game tickets. (Baseball, the only sport where I know what's going on, a tiny bit, very very slightly.)

Then I believe later that evening, me and Patrick drove up to see the city skyline, made out.... great night overall. And surprisingly we didn't have sex, (thank fucking god, car sex is a pain in the knees and back for me,) he just straight up confessed all of his feelings for me, and it was.... really nice, you know?

And surprising. Since I was having fun, I just didn't expect him to actually have *genuine feelings for me* that fast.......

He was a really good guy, though. Fast forward to the game, we both got super dressed up for it (he did it for me since i wanted an excuse to show off how good i look dressed up,) the cameraman guy at the game must've digged how we both were having such a good time at the game... I didn't understand jack shit, but I still had fun.

Theeeen, KISS CAM TIME. Random people got on kiss cam and did wack ass pecks, super short smooches, etc. I jokingly said, way too loudly, "AWW, COME ON, PUT SOME [action/back] INTO IT! GIVE A LITTLE MORE SOMETHING TO IT!"

Turned to Patrick and said, "If we ever get on Kiss Cam, we gotta go ALL IN, you know?!"

The mother of a family sitting in front of us turned around, and I laughed and apologized profusely.

She laughed and said, "Don't worry, You're up next! You're up next!!!"

And right as I said, "HA! I WISH!"

There, I saw my big head ass on the screen in front of the WHOOOOOOLE STADIUMMMMMMM.

I instinctively yelled "OH, SHIT!", then grabbed Patrick by his face and pulled him in for a kiss.

I blushed so hard hearing all the "WHOOOOOOOO" happening around us that it only lasted maybe three seconds, BUT IT WAS SO NIIIIIIIIIICE.

Then the person after us on Kiss Cam made out for what seemed like an entire three minutes, damn near FUCKING on KISS CAM, and i was ROLLINGGGGGG.

Such a good day!

And then later once the game had ended, I could not stop smiling.

He kept intentionally making my face blush as much as possible, by humming Strangers in the Night, with his arm around my shoulder, since it played in the stadium that night.

......

Yeah, I'm not sad but I still tear up at how that memory alone still makes me smile so big to this very day. (And thus, why I could probably never hate him. I think he was a dumbass, in the way he would treat me at some points, but still the defining relationship that i felt genuinely trusted in.)

Such a nice memory. I hope I remember it for a long time. [If I ever get dementia or memory loss about the years before 2020, this page will also help.]

Aaaaand this was the song that last played when he had to go to college.

I gave him a parting gift, he gave me a studio ghibli movie to watch on my birthday, since he still wanted to share a childhood favorite of his with me to keep me comfort as he was gone. Too nice of a fucking guy, I see why I was so into him. God, what a guy.

Whew..... i might have to pause writing for the sake of tearing up a bit too much now.

But.... damn. Yeah, nice.

.....

Our last talk was nice.

It felt natural.

Idk, like how we used to talk before we had any problems or cut eachother off.

Its a shame it didnt work out in terms of decent staying in touch, but that's not my fault.

He still chose what he chose, man.....

Just.... sigh.

.....

I guess a noteable memory was that time I found panties under his bed.

We were at the awkward, "we've had this discussion on my feelings of being poly (was it twice or the third time by then?) and are only just getting back comfortable again" stage. Even if the panties were someone else's, I wouldn't leave him, I'd just mentally downgrade our relationship from "about boyfriend and girlfriend" to "we hook up and are really good friends".

Since he was hot and great company, but lying, (and doing a shitty job at covering the tracks of what could have easily been the easiest lie ever, since i lived in another town, and didnt know his phone password or whatever,) wasnt something to just let slide.

Then, cue him being mildly flattered seeing me hold up a random pair of womens panties and going "oh, what are these? these are nice, did you buy these?", me getting annoyed and calling him a bad liar, him getting EVEN MORE confused, him accusing me of pranking him or pretending the underwear wasnt mine as a joke, me going "jesus christ, youre really bad at making excuses instead of just saying these are someone else's, just admit it!"

Plot twist: it was someone else's. His godsister lived in his bedroom before he moved back in that summer. Didnt deep clean enough before moving. His mom confirmed it.

And the pure hilarity of us both acting like the spiderman meme, pointing at eachother like "these are YOUR PANTIES stop messing with me!", just for him to be telling the truth.... just lmfaoooooooooo nigga damn near fainted at how bad that almost made him look.

Then, since he was also worried I was still skeptical, (since some moms really lie for their sons, i know that and still saw it as a potential option,) he deadass went the extra mile with breakfast that morning. (Oatmeal with tons of peaches, plums, and strawberries thrown in.... oddly, all my favorites.)

All we could do was laugh, and he got that sad look in his eyes he gets, and would just ask me over and over, "You do believe me, right? You know im telling the truth?"

It was all around amusing. And sweet. (I didn't fully trust him, buuuut whatever. I had reasons not to trust him, like the PRIDE PARADE INCIDENT that was super duper fucked of him to do, aaaand almost lead to our demise as a relationship, but, i eventually just didnt care enough either.)

I guess it was healthier that he thought he'd lose me, even if not the truth. I never said I'd leave him, I just almost did leave him before and meant it, and he temporarily did right by me for a bit.

Then the other times were me saying I'd just want to be friends if he was seeing other girls, he'd get kinda sad, but agree....

But usually the call would end before I would even bother to mention, "I'm still going to suck your dick like a Dyson sometimes, though."

I just figured it was implied, yknow? Or maybe it was more of a "lets see how the first hangout goes first".

Then we ended up hanging out I think the next day or so.... we talked okay, it was somber? But alright nonetheless. Once he brought up the sore subject of high school and colleges to me, he sat next to me and held me until the tears went dry.

Aaaaaaand of COURSE his fine ass then had to kiss me, in the way that instantly made me melt again.

Its not fair, why was he so freaking hot AND comforting AND caring? Like damn dude, just might as well buy the ring now why dont cha? If you're really gonna pull my heart strings like that, sheesh.

Whew.... what a guy.

Shame it ended so badly. (Not my fault.)

When he did come back sometime in October for a visit though, we did bond great. Too many details to share, but well, it was just.... obvious the way he felt. He didn't even need to say it. It showed from the way he nervously stepped out of his car and stared as I came down the steps, the way he held me for a few moments too long, how we couldn't hold eye contact too much, just things that give away the obvious "he still really likes you" signals.

Lots of crying and letting go of two months of pent up sadness over not seeing each other. Insane amounts of prolonged hugs. We fit eachother like puzzle pieces, and it took a long ass time for us to actually work up the nerve to actually pause. (I think it was like, an hour or maybe even two of us just straight up talking in his car with our arms around eachother. Clothes on and everything, just bonding.)

Bitch, I'm gonna cry again, ah shit.

Long story short, he pretty much told me how it was damn near impossible for him to hook up or really feel attracted to anyone else. (And he tried, but uh....)

I'll just put a relevant song here.

When he told me, it was like, "That poor guy, that mustve been the worst case of blue balls, oh my", with a side of "He only likes me????? He hasnt been able to fuck for two months straight???? All because he???? Really likes me??????? Wow? I'm... fucking flattered!"

Then we hooked up, cried in his car together about how much he wanted to be with and how fucked up he felt not being able to see me anymore....

I basically communicated that he can do whatever, but we stay in touch and are honest with each other and still can find time to talk.

......

He didn't hold up his end of the bargain.

Then well, that lead to even more mess.... long story short, a girl doesn't appreciate when a guy cries in her arms about having very strong feelings for her, then right as he leaves, proceeds to then pretend he never had said any of that. (I know he was probably just putting up walls to avoid thinking about me, but he really fucked things up...)

Then, I met Patrick #2, things turned good for us, we started dating. Open relationship, but nice.

.....Patrick #1 was hurt.

And proceeded to bury his feelings yet again.... which was not fine.

And its just....

Why was it okay for him to cut me out of his life and focus his attention on hot girls, but I was made out to be an ass to do the same? (Well, but with a local cute nerdy dude that I spent a lot of time with.)

In the same time that he was messing around and being single, so was I.

Why was he mad?

He eventually told me that it hurt. But.... fuck, Patrick. Thats why when the girl you like contacts you, or wants to know she means something to you, you keep her around or bother to respond.

I really hate the way men are conditioned to handle their emotions. For fucks sake.

Anyways.... its like, 12:23am here.

I'm annoyed.

I like Patrick. And he was a good guy back then.

But he ended up being everything he convinced me he wasnt, and that's just pretty fuckin unacceptable.

That's all. Not much else to say.

Peace out.

#oh look that man made a promise he couldnt keep #tamia gets abandonment issues and a lack of trust yet again #OH MY GOD YEAH MAN ITS ALMOST LIKE U CANT GET MAD WHEN UR EX MOVES ON JUST LIKE YOU #oh my god #another case of #or #SoundCloud #Spotify

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