#THE PUDGE PART WOULD MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE IF I GOT RID OF THE CLOTHING LAYER BUT TRUST ITS THERE

[monpalace]

!!! Pls post your art I wanna see

yh no she might be the reason i claw out of artblock

[pangtasias-atelier]

The Desolate Winds

Lewyn isn't necessarily my all time favorite from Genealogy, but he's at least probably one of my more preferred for kink stuff at least. Writing kink stuff about Jugdral is still extremely hard with how fucked up the setting is without just overhauling key components. So this definitely took a long time but I just want to write for the older games so I forced myself. And didn't take the easy way out with just using FEH

Also, gen 2 Lewyn is a bit of a mystery since his actual self is left to interpretation. But I think this kinda fit him? Even though it's very headcanony. It's also based on the way FGO does pseudo servants, where the servant is a mixture of the Divine being and also the person their possessing. Cause otherwise, it's very bitter and pissed off and cynical gen2 Lewyn which doesn't necessarily lend well to weight gain stuff.

This is way too nonkink, but oh well, it's at least a change of pace for everyone lol. Also, I love repetition cause I'm basic and a low level writer who shoves it in your face.

And, this is an absolute trainwreck ajshenks. But it's at least a trainweck I can enjoy. If you like it, great! If not, oh well. I just straight up have so much trouble writing about Jugdral in a non au sense. Plus, I got kinda tired of kink so it's literally just a couple of lines ajsnekss

I also forgot a title when I first published this ajsnsks was originally "idk title" and I still dislike coming up with titles and being all fake deep

_____

Spotting the town on the horizon once more, Lewyn sets his sight on it. Snow crunching under his boots, he tugs at his clothes as he wipes the smears of blood on his face. The outfit now snug where once it nearly felt as if would swallow him whole, he had taken up once more the act of traveling.

Having broken their tribe's pact of non-interference, it was best to try and enjoy it as much as he could. And with no more war on the horizon, Naga's power and foresight overcoming Loptous's, that meant he was free to do just that. Forseti having resurrected the Sillesian prince known as Lewyn, the two had become one; their personalities clashing at several times, their mannerisms had left many confused. Impassive and anger would wash away to tears or outbursts, the revelation of their death and nearly everyone else they knew too much for the person known as Lewyn to handle. Too much for any human being to handle. The problems with knowing another being resided in him offered no solace despite them being his savior. How much could he ascertain were his own memories? His own beliefs? His own thoughts? His own life? Everything felt sharper yet duller. Warmer yet colder. Better yet worse.

So he had done the only thing that he knew to do. The one thing that came naturally despite the clouds fogging up his every sense of self.

Run away.

Run away from it all once again. No more shock from different borders. No more shock from finding one more war buddy alive. No more shock from another recognizing him when he could barely recognize himself. "Was this how I acted? Was this how I talked? Was this how I looked?" He would question. Anything he could wonder, he did. And so he fulfilled the duty he felt he owed. He helped fix what Arvis had wronged, the only thing he knew to do upon his revival. And that was that. That was enough for his fill of Jugdral.

On a boat the very next day, he found himself unable to leave fast enough, the home once known to his a lone speck on the horizon as he went wherever the boat took him, Lewyn not even asking.

And as the distance and time grew, life worked its magic on him. It numbed the pain, the confusion, the anger. Self reflection led to self discovery. Memories of a world on the brink and memories of a snowy country organized themselves into different bins. One of Forseti's memories; the other of his own. Memories of traveling, of discovering the world and the plight of its citizens, of recounting stories, of his country, of Silesse. All his own.

And yet, he found himself too weak to return. For Jugdral has no use of him anymore. His own holy blood and weapon passed down and with Loptous gone, there was no place for him. No reason to pick up the thousands of shards that remained, to prick himself and bleed with each one he attempted to repair.

With such a life behind him, no one is going to miss him, for he had lived without a father, surely his offspring could do the same. They could at least thank their grandmother for having only one child, no conniving uncles for them to deal with like he had all his life.

The act of leading indeed far too much, it was simply best for him to leave. No need for an inept prince who had been murdered before he even had the chance. Not with the bitterness and cruelty of the world he had experienced. Jugdral was far better off with idealistic runts. All of them far to reminiscent of their parents. Before they had marched to Belhalla. Nearly all of them burned, skewered or impaled. The memory one he wished he could claim as Forseti's. The memory etched into his mind, having the misfortune to survive and witness it all. Only to be killed despite his pathetic struggling. Perhaps he'd have been better off with the Valkyrie Staff being broken on him. But that was impossible, Claud had been one of the very first. Arvis ensuring Bragi's descendant had been silenced, the power of resurrection and divination too fearful despite his false status as a traitor, political gain the most powerful tool of all.

But none of that was reversible. What had happened, happened. What he had rediscovered was his burden to once more deal with. So he continued to run away. And run even more, all of it merging into one large indistinguishable place. And yet, his sense of concern followed him wherever he ran.

He had first resumed his job as a bard, the ability to recount a multitude of stories with the mess of his memories actually aiding him. But even then that had grown dull. An impassive bystander once more, he grew distasteful of it too. Despite the small growth from his younger self, it mattered not when everything else had felt like it had taken twenty steps back.

With no responsibilities to speak of, he had partaken in eating to at least rid some of his free time despite no longer requiring such sustenance.

Next, he had been a mercenary. Forseti or not, his magic was deadly, a fact he wished he was able to demonstrate to Manfroy. Bandits were simple, far simpler than trained soldiers with clean equipment.

The pay better and lodging and food thrown in, the constant meals in his honor were soon adding up, his thin wiry frame dissapearing under an extra layer of pudge.

But handling bandits was ultimately fruitless. Strike one down, ten more took their place. Soon, lords were next. But even that was the same. Each all too eager to rise to power one step quicker. And those inept to lead would only remain as such with those who wished to take advantage of them.

Begrudgingly, he had decided to reclaim his role as an advisor. Unwilling to divulge his past, as if any would believe his claim to aiding the current king of Grannvale, he simply started small. Some backwater lord forgotten by her King, the area infested with bandits from subpar crop yields. Lucky in finally finding one who wished to better the people's lives, Lewyn's offer was happily accepted, only those on the brink of collapse willing to obtain help from a stranger.

Like he himself had been, and still is from his rubbing, a truth he can't deny, she had been ignorant of all her lackeys's personal agendas. Embezzlement here and there, purposeful destruction of farms for higher positions in other houses, Lewyn had quickly discovered them, all who wished to rise up on the social ladder the same. So he simply treated them how they treated those they felt beneath them.

He disposed of them.

A task he still relishes in. His first taste of it from murdering his uncles.

Despite his unsavory tactics, she had been impressed. And with the territory indeed improving with his actions and recommendations, a letter in his favor had been made to others.

With scheming usurpers in all corners of the world, his aid was in desperate need.

Walking past the town gates, neither of the guards pay attention to the small splatters of blood lining his clothes. Appearance's unimportant to him anymore, the tight white outfit yells his crime to all who see. But with the aid of the night's darkness, his deed's yell is inaudible, no one around to see him. Sneaking through the back of the castle, the layout with least servants or guards well known, he quickly escapes to his room.

Common sense aiding him, he at least disrobes. Placing them in his fireplace, he stands in his underclothes as he watches them turn to ash.

No pleasure found in drinking his woes away, he found the sense of comfort through food. A soft pale little bump on top of his stomach as his shirt lifts to reveal a bit of his lower pudge, Lewyn's extra snacks were now apparent with now being able to stay in one are for some time. His thighs a bit wider, his shorts stretch over the growing area. Arms a smidgen thicker, the extra bit of fat slightly creases by his biceps. Face barely rounder, his no nonsense attitude doesn't make him appear any friendlier.

Placing on the warm robes offered to him as part of his job, they too rest snugly on him. Fabric resting over his tum, the added flesh is apparent.

As soon as he places them on, he wastes no further time. Writing a note about his departure to his current employer, a Countess, he leaves it by his bedside. Signing it under his pseudonym, Daccar, his uncle's name, Lewyn can at least take pleasure in reducing his name in any sense of importance. Even being a footnote in the annals of history is too great for his uncle.

Money and food secure, Lewyn sets out once more. Light on his feet, he carries his trusty elwind in his other hand, no one spotting him.

Preferring the background, he simply follows the winds to whatever his next destination may be. Everyone else left behind constantly.

[kentkennyradcliffe]

March 15th, 2011

I am not using Tumblr like I did last year. Instead of reclogging a bunch of pictures and writing a few feelings out, I am using this as my planner. I always have plans and goals, so I figured why not share them with people? This way people can know what goes on in my life, without all the drama or feelings associated with it. I don't like hearing others whine, so I'm cutting out all that from my blog. I want this blog to be direct and to the point.

But before I can do that, I think it's only fair that I fill in the gaps from January to March that led me to this new blog:

I started my old blog for one reason: To get over some obstacles that I felt were holding me back. My ex's, my addictions, my parents, my sexuality, my religion... I was very confused and upset and lost. It took awhile for me to figure out who I was, and it did not make sense for me until one day in February I woke up and everything made sense. I stopped feeling sad about the past, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt good about myself, and I felt happy. It was a shock to feel happy without having a friend around or some weed to get my mood up. It was as if the depression left in a dream and I woke up a new person.

After that day, I have been on this high and I don't want to come down. I have been smoking weed every day, sometimes up to 6 times a day, with Kyme and Claire mostly, or by myself. It was very fun at first, but now I feel like it's too much. The first time we smoked was at my house. Kyme brought her gay friend Nick (who happens to have the exact same birthday as me: April 26th 1991.) and we listened to Danger Days in Kymes car. I was obsessed with the song Destroya, and when you are high, it is so much better. Then we watched Tommy. It was very spiritual for me, almost like a revelation. I was inspired to write a script. I actually had to write a script for my scriptwriting class, but Tommy gave me the creative spark to write. That day was a breakthrough for me, because I had my first new goal: to write a script. Kyme and Claire are going to be my actors and hopefully it will get me noticed in school. I know I have the talent; I just must use it.

The next big step for me was talking to a boy named Cameron who lived about 30 mins away from me. He liked to smoke, and listed to new hardcore, and had gauges. He was everything I liked, but he was slightly chubby. I used to be so picky about who I dated, which is why I have only have had 2 serious relationships. Everyone I dated in high school does not count. We "dated" for like a week, and then I lost interest. It was the first time I lost interest in someone. Usually the other person loses interest first, but this time I was the one who had to break it off. I realized then that people can lose interest easily, and it is not necessarily because the other person did something wrong. I had to explain to Cameron what happened, and he understood. I told him about my past with relationships and how I am not good in them, and about how I am still discovering what I like. I see my sexuality as fluid. I can go from liking boys for awhile, to liking girls, but never at the same time. Right now I feel like I am asexual, because I am not interested in sex or dating. For the first time in my life, I am happy being single.

Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but I realized I was never in love with the people I dated. I was in love with an idea, fabricated by songs I grew up with, from the movies I saw, and from longing for a soul mate, when they just wanted sex or some fun. I would get emotionally attached and obsess over them and need to be around them all the time. I had no love for myself so I tried to find someone who could love me instead. I spent my time finding people who could fix my heart, when I should have been working on myself.

When I had that day of revelation, I spent the last days of February learning how to love myself and not put so much pressure on my friends. The downside to this was that I stopped caring about others for while, in the sense that I didn't want a boyfriend or girlfriend. Cameron didn't get to date me like he wanted to. I stopped talking to Jonathan as much. I closed my old Tumblr and left a lot of people who thought we were best friends in the dust. I deactivated my Facebook for a while. I completely shut out anyone that I could not see in real life every day. That's when Kyme and Claire became so important in my life. I wanted them to become friends with each other, so all three of us could hang out together. Now we are a group and I love it.

I know I am much happier now. I like spending time with Kyme most of all, because she puts me in a good mood without doing anything. She is fun, confident, diverse, smart, has talent, and knows fashion. I haven’t' had a friend like her since I was 15. It's giving me a reason to get back into fashion and music and art. I got so lost in my own world of music and fashion that I forgot about the world. I like living in the world and staying on top of it. Kyme is one of those girls who could own the world with her voice and talent, I've seen only a small part of it, but I can tell she has the right stuff. I want to be on her level again. I can get there but it will take awhile for me because I have so much to learn. I have the talent, I just have to improve it and hone my skills.

I have always wanted to be a singer, not like a pop singer, but like a front man in a band. I practice singing to songs by AFI, MCR, 30 Seconds to Mars, Placebo, Tegan and Sara, David Bowie, Morrissey, Lady Gaga, Old Chiodos, D.R.U.G.S., Pierce the Veil, A Day to Remember, Asking Alexandria, Eurythmics, etc.... I want to combine hardcore with electronic and have pop hooks like MCR, and have a theme like Lady Gaga, and lyrics like Morrissey, and look like Craig Owens mixed with Brian Molko. But this is something I have to work on. I am far from ready.

I have so much I still need to improve about myself. I have finally fixed the internal conflict inside of me, so now I have to work on the external. My look needs a serious revamp.

The first thing is my body. I'm forcing myself to work out, no matter how painful it is. Yesterday I ran for about 15 minutes, then did a workout in my men's health book. I want to get my abs tight and smooth, because right now I have a small pudge. I think it's because I ate so much when I would smoke, and I didn't work out for a month. But now I am eating better and drinking protein shakes and working out again. I have all the right stuff; I just have not used it in awhile...

The other thing I need to work on is my hair. I fucked it up during the winter, so I had it cut razor short and have been letting it grow back out since January. Right now, my hair is to my eyes and the sides and back are about 2 inches. I have a plan for it, but it has to get longer.

Once I have the body and hair I want, I will feel even more confident. I am saving up some money to spend on new clothes, since my wardrobe is outdated. I spent $200 on new clothes over the weekend. I bought a dark green military style jacket with a fur hood from forever 21 (there is a men's department now in the mall), some rude fit skinny jeans from hot topic, and some skate shoes from kohls. I shopped online at interpunk and hot topic and bought A Day To Remember shirt that has snow white wrapped up by worms coming out of an apple, a MCR shirt with an eyeball on it that says galactic destroya, a Pierce the Veil shirt that says the band’s name in stitches, black thermals with Miss May I, Attack Attack, and Lady Gaga on each one, a black vest that has a furry hood on it, a grey Bennie with studs on the front, and matching fingerless gloves. I am going for a mix between hardcore and indie. I still have lots of clothes I can match with these new clothes, like my plaid button ups, and my skinny jeans, and my wide collection of hoodies and hats. But I am getting rid of outdated stuff.

By the summer, I should have everything going for me. If not, then I will keep working on myself. I'm always a work in progress anyway.