#THEN WE HAD THE WHOLE SUMMER TRANSFER FUCKERY

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

aight aight, real shit; let's say you got the chance to rewrite the entirety of gossip girl exactly how you want. make a brief description of what would happen in each season. (you can decide whether there's a fourth season or not)

oh i LOVE this ask, and i am so flattered to be asked this, haha. i have SO many thoughts, i’ve been thinking about this non-stop, but i’ll try to be as brief as possible. also, disclaimer, i don’t remember all the seasons equally clearly. like i barely remember s2. haha, whoops.

season 1: i love this season as is, for the most part. i think the tone of it was actually very serious and involved? like the show was actively trying not to be frivolous with heavy topics, and the way we were getting to see the characters seemed like they were trying to bring out character depth and the complexities of their lives in very deliberate ways. nate’s whole thing with his parents gets so much focus, and it’s not something the show glorifies, it’s something that is meant to make you uncomfortable and worried for him. 

i would have nate be less of a dudebro, jenny & nate’s friendship being a little more solid, dan being a little more involved in jenny’s problems + helping her find her space, vanessa/nate to happen earlier - after nate breaks up w/ blair and realises she looks happier, i would have him not try and get back with her (lol, dude, the fact that she’s happy after breaking up with you means you probably shouldn’t be dating her.) more exploration of eric’s mental health. more dan and blair friendship. i would keep chair the way it is this season. i would not have a derena breakup - i’d have them take a break after the georgina reveal and get back together during the summer after talking about it and deciding to be more honest & open with each other. and, what the hell, i would have lily not blame serena (???) for being taken advantage of in the whole pete fairman situation. serena wasn’t sober, she was 16, that dude was in his 30s, georgina was taping her w/o her consent. how is any of this serena’s fault??? i hate lily’s reaction so much.

season 2: i... don’t remember enough of this season, sadly. it’s been too long since i watched it. i would majorly change jenny’s arc here, though. eleanor stealing her dress was majorly, majorly fucked up, and i think jenny should’ve done something then and there. also the whole thing with ‘lily is a mother to chuck’.... i would’ve loved it if lily had been like that to jenny. the girl needed it, and lily would’ve actually been able to help jenny establish connections in the professional world and whatnot. i think jenny should’ve transferred out of constance - not necessarily homeschooling maybe, but gone somewhere else. unlike dan, she didn’t even want to get into an ivy, she wanted to make it big as a designer. so. that. 

oh nate my love. i’d get this trainwreck of a boy some therapy. while i hate that the catherine thing happened, things like that do happen all the time, and i’d be interested in sort of handling the aftermath of it in a responsible way. i would not have... a lot of serena’s arc and decisions (from what i can remember) were really random in this season. i’d have her break up with dan at some point. and vanessa would need a new subject for her short film, and she’d choose serena.

nate doesn’t really date anyone, this season. but he and jenny open up to each other abt having gay crushes on people who treat you like shit - jenny’s thing with agnes - nate rescues her when they’re taking those pictures in her flat and let’s say she doesn’t go back to agnes. instead of kissing her, nate talks to her instead, and tells her about carter, tells her about chuck. and jenny talks about her feelings for blair, her feelings for agnes. and both of them sort of go... “it sucks, but all we can do is try not to become the kind of people we hate, right?”

dan pines for nate. majorly. massively. obviously. i think the only person who really notices is blair, and this would lead to new hijinks and shenanigans. also!! i do not want chair in s2. maybe it can go there for a bit but definitely not to the extent in canon. i want blair to have the same moment of being unable to deny her cruelty / needing to be accountable that she did in that ‘age of dissonance’ play. and. this sounds fucky but i want the dan/rachel stuff to stay as it is, and later, in s4, for dan & serena to talk about rachel & ben respectively and be like ‘hey, this was a fucked up thing to happen to us, wasn’t it?’ 

i would also like to get to know blair’s “minions” better as people. i mean. they all seemed hella fascinating to me, and the show’s decision to make them superficial and unidimensional was very depressing.

season 3: hot garbage, throw canon away. when chuck goes away to paris or wherever, let him not come back. goodbye, dude! dan, blair & vanessa friendship at nyu is so, so important to me. also im losing my mind always at how vanessa and serena catch dan on that walk of shame and they’re both like ‘college is a time for experimentation!’ and nobody does anything even slightly bisexual (unless you count that threesome later, which, blah.) a serenessa / date dynamic in college would’ve been great. dan transferring to columbia like blair does and rooming with nate and just, the gayness of it all. dan & blair become really, really close, and d&b&v watch movies + go to art exhibits together and are all SO DAMN PRETENTIOUS. serena finds it sexy, nate finds it terrifying. 

the william stuff would be interesting if he were actually held accountable. like that man has no right being a doctor, and medical malpractice needs to be brought up. and jenny’s whole arc this season makes me so sad. i think it would’ve been interesting if she’d been a ‘queen’ and ruled alongside eric, and just, the two of them forcing people to be nice, sort of like they try to do with people who are mean to nelly in s2 i think it is? but also.. jenny out of constance is very good, and i think i mentioned that earlier, haha, whoops.

season 4 : serenessa breakup, for whatever reason, probably to do with the william fuckery, because i think vanessa would react in similar ways to nate (”serena, i know he’s your dad, but we have to do the right thing” / “it still wasn’t your call to make” / “he’s a certified doctor, serena, a man like that has no right -” / “god vanessa, you really don’t get it, do you?” ). uhhh i would actually... if i had to choose i would honestly go blairnessa >>>>> dair. i love how blair & vanessa can keep each other on their toes and hold each other accountable. like? blair’s classist or racist and dan’s just like, *smiles*. vanessa would actively be like ‘hey, stop that.’ (this is one of the few actual criticisms i have about d/b as a relationship, RIP.) 

(edited to add: yeah, i think blairnessa WOULD be a sustainable relationship, more abt that here! )

yes to the milo arc, but dan gets to keep milo (his friends threaten georgina and go all ‘you made him sign the certificate. don’t make us take you to court’ because i love these morally grey assholes but also because g DID trick dan into thinking milo was his and dan was ready to reshape his whole life around that kid which is more than georgina was willing to do. plus endgame: jack/georgina are not parents i want milo to have.) i would also have more of a rufus & dan fallout over the milo thing. i think rufus would be really nasty about it all tbh.

the dair arc for blair and vanessa! let the juliet stuff happen, but let it be less awful + let it be seen as Bad + let serena get help & not forgive her for it. let serena NOT date ben after, what the hell. i want d&s to talk about their shared feelings for high school teachers and to realise, in retrospect, as adults, that what happened was crossing lines. let blair and vanessa suddenly drop dan and do the movies + galleries stuff on their own. and dan’s like ??? but he’s busy being a parent with nate supporting him. dan’s drama is very much parenting things. there would be some nonsense involving nate’s family pushing back, because ‘we stood by while you dated him, nate, we thought it was a phase. but raising a child with another man? this is unacceptable.’ i would like nate to get disowned by the family, and need to find his own feet. and to get a REAL SHOT AT HAPPINESS away from that terrible environment.

season 5: i want this to be a good serena season. let her find her calling doing creative things. let her and carter travel the world. let her just be whoever she wants to be. let her and vanessa patch their friendship up. let her have an open relationship with carter, let her have a lot of sex with a lot of random people and not feel guilty about it. let her really really blossom. i want more eric! maybe he’s in london with jenny, and she’s working on her fashion stuff, and he’s realising that he really wants to be a counsellor. 

some time-skips, maybe. i really want to see dan’s whole thing of being a parent. sending milo to kindergarten and spending the whole time milo’s gone on edge and anxious about everything that could go wrong, while nate comforts him. let nate try to get a job because he no longer has a trust fund, and navigate everything that comes with that. let vanessa be there for him. why the fuck am i phrasing my sentences like this - can you tell that i studied physics once?? oh well.

blair & vanessa handling a lot of things. vanessa meeting harold!! vanessa’s parents being disapproving of blair, but ruby standing up for her. blair & vanessa planning their future properly. blair & vanessa babysitting milo and talking about kids. 

and there can be drama too, there should always be drama. but i would like wholesome stuff at the centre of it too, you know? the ivy/lola nonsense can go on in the background, i don’t actually care that much. as long as ivy doesn’t go around fucking people’s fathers for no understandable or discernable reason, i don’t really care lkdhlfdkhg. (it was just so inexplicable and so random!)

season 6: uh, i don’t know. this was a bad season for everyone in canon, except chuck. i would throw it all away. i would actually love if we had pre-series rufly instead: every time those two bring up their past together i’m like 👀 because it sounds like a dream. or focus entirely on jenny and eric and their life. i am obsessed with jenny and eric being... sort of queerplatonic, sort of like, best friends. there’s no romance and no sex between them (eric’s canonically gay, and jenny’s a lesbian because i said so) but i think the way jenny and eric are is very, very life partners in a way that isn’t romantic OR sexual. so they’d have a little place together and would support each other. and just. what are they up to now? also. kati, iz, penelope, hazel, nelly... what r they doing now? one of the few things i actually liked about s6 as it was was that nelly was that reporter and that she’d found her people in yale. nelly yuki getting a happy and fulfilling ending and being a successful woman was so good and we actually got a little bit of that. i’d like more of that, for the rest of the girls, you know?

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 15 – Take A Chill Pill, Your Highness

In which the Ravens display levels of Extra previously unbeknownst to man, I have a fit over Actual Biological Dadmack, Jean Valjean is immortalized in meme, and I generally don’t take the Ravens very seriously – until I suddenly take them very, very seriously.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

Y’all ready for a fun festive chapter filled with tinsel, merry goodwill and all of that shit?

Because that is exactly not what we are having today.

Instead, our boy Neil is on a (potentially one-way) trip to Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom.

FUN FUCKING TIMES AHEAD.

STRAP YOURSELVES IN.

           There was no way he could tell [the Foxes] the truth. None of them would let him go through with it.

Ya, guess why – cause it’s a dumb fucking idea, Josten.

No, no, I’m being unfair, I get it. I get why he’s doing it, and you know what? I’m not even judging him for doing it. My unhealthily loyal ass would probably do the same.

Neil tricks the Fox squad into letting him go to Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom by telling them he is instead going to Angsty and Only Slightly Scary Land of Family Drama – which the Foxes buy, of course, as they all want to see Neil happily united with his family.

As do I, except I know that leaving Fox Tower puts Neil in the opposite direction of his family.

Brb crying softly.

           [Neil] had it half-packed when he realized the bag was too small. (…) Even when his bag was full there were things in his drawers. Neil was at once confused and heartened, and he pressed a hand to his folded shirts. It was proof he was coming back, something he hadn’t had since he was a child.

BRB WAILING LOUDLY.

Neil :((((( my boy :(((((( lifelong runaway :((((((((( has found a home to come back to :((((((((((((((

I’m fine, there’s just a bit of fox family feels in my eye.

           “I’m coming back,” Neil said, more for his sake than Kevin’s. “You promised you’d finish this year with me. I’m holding you to that.”

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((

You better come back, Josten. In one piece, healthy and with ya boy Andrew in tow, holding hands preferably. YOU BETTER.

           He’d been raised to run, to sacrifice everything and everyone to ensure his own survival. His mother had never gives him ground to stand on. Maybe that was why he hadn’t been strong enough to save her in the end. A jumble of lies had nothing to fight for.

           But Neil was a Fox. Andrew called this home; Nicky called him family. Neil wasn’t going to lose any of it.

Ya girl’s gotta have her holiday appropriate reaction GIFs.

And with that, our favourite sassy (and recently self-sacrificing) angstbag leaves for West Virginia.

           Jean was waiting for him in arrivals. (…) “You shouldn’t have come here.”

When even the Fucker™’s lieutenant knows you fucked up, then you really fucked up.

Jean Valjean and Neil leave for Edgar Allan, and upon arriving Neil finds that not only do the Ravens all own the exact same uniforms, formal wear, and bitchy facial expressions, they also have matching squad cars. With like, customized licence plates and stuff, for extra Extra-ness.

           “This isn’t a team,” Neil said. “It’s a cult.”

And little did I fucking know, this was going to be the spot-on summary for everything that followed in the next couple of pages.

The Ravens take “squad goals” to a whole another level – meaning a level no sane human would ever fucking want to get on.

Everything is black – from their walls to their furniture to their sheets to their towels. Heck, to their fucking team underwear, probably.

Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom? Scratch that. Extra and Dramatic Raven Land of Trying Too Hard, more like.

Even their fucking hallway is on brand.

           Everything was painted black, the pnly light and color was a red tube of light down the middle of the ceiling. It wasn’t quite bright enough. When Jean slammed the door behind them Neil almost tripped down the stairs.

Okay, but how do they not trip down there all the time. My clumsy ass would have gotten more bruises from that staircase alone than from actual Exy games.

You know you’re in Extra and Dramatic Raven Land of Trying Too Hard when even the staircase is bootcamp.

But seriously: Living surrounded by so much black, always subterranean except for class or away games, essentially locked up with a bunch of people who form a military hive mind, but no real friendships?

You can bet your ass all Ravens walk out of there with a nice little cocktail of mental health issues.

And oh, look – Riko’s got his ones already.

           It gave Neil chills to see [Kevin’s] space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he’d transferred to another team entirely.

           “Riko’s in denial,” Neil said. “Someone should tell him Kevin isn’t coming back.”

Nice to see that our boy Josten doesn’t plan to shut his too-sassy mouth any time soon.

I mean, it would generally be exponentially better for his general survival, but what a dull chapter that would be.

Immediately after his arrival, Neil is shown to the stadium, and while that is impressive and all, the fuckery starts once again when he his shown to his jersey – and yes, his jersey.

Apparently, expecting his – ahem – “transfer” in summer, the Ravens had him a full gear made, name on the back and all that jazz.

“That jazz” here being things like selling his soul and at least 1 1/2 kidneys to the god of Extra, probably.

HOW ARROGANT ARE THESE PEOPLE, Jesus fucking Christ.

However, when Neil disrespects the Holy Raven Uniform, things starts to get interesting:

           “Ravens operate on a pair-based system, which means from now on until you leave I am the only ally you have. My success is your success,” Jean said. “Your failure is my failure. (…) Do you understand? They want us to fail. They want to take starting line-up from me.”

Holy hell.

Things just got massively, massively interesting.

First of all: WHAT THE FUCK. What sort of twisted attempt at companionship is this, forcing people to depend on each other – and only each other, mind, as the Ravens are forbidding from having friends outside the team.

Second of all: Well, well, well. Apparently, Neil is not the only one who has something to lose. As far as I can tell, Jean Valjean’s future is in Neil’s hands.

Bread guy, what did you do to make Coach Fucker™ so mad at you?

Whatever it is – Neil is now expected to play with the Ravens, of course. And hopefully not die, that would be spleen-fucking-did.

           “The master is moving you to defense where you belong. He will want to know why you abandoned your position. I hope you have a good explanation for him.”

Seriously, can they like… chill on the whole master thing?

I know it’s supposed to be scary and intimidating, but honestly, it just makes them downright ridiculous.

I don’t even know if that’s on purpose. I hope it is, but if this is seriously supposed to be intimidating, that is some bad fucking writing. Sorry, but also not sorry.

Jean Valjean blabs on some more about the master and belonging to the Fucker Family™ and bla, bla, bla – and just as I was about to get seriously annoyed by it, he nonchalantly drops the single greatest bit of information in this chapter.

           “Kevin is not like us; he is valuable but he is not property in the same sense. He escaped because he had family to run to.”

           “Andrew?” Neil guessed.

           “I said family, you hard-of-hearing imbecile,” Jean said. “His father. Your coach.”

WHAT

WHAT IN THE FUCKING WHAT

W Y M A C K???????????

KEVIN’S D A D??????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿???????

I had to put the book down and just straight up YELL for a second.

ACTUAL FOX DAD WYMACK.

LIKE, ACTUAL ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL FUCKING DAD WYMACK.

DADMACK.

Y’all knew this and kept quiet about this, I am so proud.

Also DADMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

           “If you don’t believe me, look for yourself. The last time I saw his mother’s letter it was tucked inside one of those broing book of his. He’s read it so many times he might have worn the words off the pages by now, but it’s worth a shot.”

The mental image of angsty teen Kevin poring over this letter that’s promising him a family beyond the cruel black walls of this abuser’s prison, reading it so many times the paper almost falls apart, tear stains etched onto the pages, is doing things to me.

YOU GUYS, I’M HAVING FEELINGS.

Ahem. All good, all good.

On with the program.

           “You’re all insane,” Neil said.

           “Says the runaway who joined a Class I team,” Jean said. “Says the man who came here today when he should have run. You are no better than the rest of us.”

……Damn, bread boy. Jean Valjean here has got a point, y’all.

Neil, stunned by that unexpected Too Real shade, even manages to put on his uniform.

           “I can’t even keep my ten?” Neil asked.

           “(…) This number suits you better. Did you know? In Japanese, ‘four’ and ‘death’ sound the same. It is only appropriate that the Butcher’s son should wear this number.”

Also, of course, he is fourth in line after Riko, Kevin and Jean, and together they naturally for the Raven’s Awesome Exy Dream Team that is Definitely Happening.

Dream the fuck on, drama boys.

(A tiny voice on the back of my mind is reminding me that I have seen Neil wear a small ‘4’ tattooed on his cheekbone in countless fanarts and cosplays.)

(A tiny voice is getting swiftly ignored.)

Neil has to strip in front of Jean Valjean in order to test his uniform, over which he is surprisingly not angsting out as much as I thought he would. Character Development Josten strikes again, y’all.

And just as I was beginning to wonder when the actually bad shit would happen – here comes the fuckery.

           Neil looked back to see Tetsuji and Riko in the doorway. Tetsuji had brought an ornate walking cane with him. Neil had never seen him with it before and hope that meant Tetsuji was suffering some sort of injury or illness.

That Fucker, Senior™ embraces the traditional Dramatic and Slightly Disturbing Moriyama fashion and orders our boy Josten to kneel.

Neil, of course, embraces the traditional Hilarious, Yet Suicidal Josten fashion and sasses himself straight in his own grave.

           “You will kneel,” Tetsuji said.

           Neil had a feeling he was going to regret this for the rest of his very short life, but he smiled and said, “Make me.”

Neil, sweetie, I love you so much, but in your own self-interest please learn to shut the fuck up.

           He saw the cane come up, but it was too fast for him to dodge. (…) Tetsuji didn’t stop beating him until he finally passed out.

What the fuck, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS FUCKER SENIOR. WHY.

WAS THIS NECESSARY.

The answer is: In Moriyama world, yes.

And not enough with that – freshly woken up from his pain-induced power nap, Neil is expected to play.

As in, play Exy.

As in, play Exy in a position he hasn’t played in forever, with a team literal leagues above him, with a physical state that should be in a hospital, not on a court.

Oh, also Riko hits him every time he comes near him, which is all the fucking time.

So, you know. FUN TIMES ALL AROUND.

           Every time Neil fell, though, Jean was there to pull him off the ground. (…) They were in this together, just like Jean warned Neil. Every time the other team scored they were both punished.

I’d love to thank Jean for doing this and for being kind of the only person Neil has in this hellhole of a temporary home, except we know Jean is not doing this because he’s such a nice fucking person, but because he got assigned to do it. And by “assigned” I mean “threatened into doing it”.

Still, this sets the stage for Jean potentially becoming a likeable character in the future, and I’m excited to see what comes of this angry French baguette.

           “You ignorant child. This is the Raven’s Nest. We go by our time, not yours. We run on sixteen-hour days. You’ll see.”

wE gO bY oUr TiMe, NoT yOuRs, wE rUn oN sIxTeEn-HoUr DaYs

ARE YOU FOR REAL

WHAT LEVEL OF ARROGANT AND EXTRA

I am so fucking done.

Except, I’m not – I wish I was, because that would have made the next bit a bit more bearable.

Here goes the one actually scary part of this chapter.

           Riko sat sideways on the mattress besides Neil. He looked at Neil like he was imagining skinning Neil alive and feeding Neil the bloody scraps. His expression said he was getting off on the fantasy.

HELL FUCKING NOPE.

           “I am going to love hurting you,” Riko said, “like I loved hurting Kevin.”

           “You are one seriously fucked-up individual,” Neil said.

Neil, sweetie, do you remember that part about possibly shutting the fuck up.

They tie Neil to the bed. Awesome. As if I didn’t have enough horrible mental images from this series that involve people gripping headboards.

Also, did I mention the part where Riko has a fucking switchblade.

           “Who is your King, Nathaniel?” Riko asked.

           Neil spat in his face.

There’s a cool lil list of Things You Could Have Possibly Done In That Situation, and this is not fucking on it.

Of course, Riko now lets Neil make the questionable acquaintance of his knife – which is to say, he almost fucking guts him.

What the fuck. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

Neil, I love you, and I appreciate your sass in all its forms, but this has just become 50 Shades Of Fucked Up just now.

Phew.

Dreaded Christmas chapter done.

Surprisingly, though – this chapter did not shock me as much as I thought it would. I went in this expecting the Absolute Worst, and though it did hit me pretty hard I was kinda… prepared, I guess? Thanksgiving was definitely much, much worse.

Which does not mean I am not still going ‘WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK’ in a continuous loop in my head.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing (affording a laptop and such), please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <33