#THESE USELESS LESBIANS JUST NEED TO HAVE A DECENT CONVERSATION FOR FUCKS SAKE

[beauregardlionett]

maybe i, maybe i don’t

AO3 Link

Ever since she had broken Obann's charm over her mind with that peaceful scene on the beach of Nicodranas, Beau had felt an inexplicable pull towards the water, the warm sand, and the calming wash of waves against the surf. Finally being there, with easy access and two days to burn, Beau didn't think twice before packing up a bag and disappearing from the Chateau. Briefly, the monk had considered asking if anyone wanted to tag along, but she knew that this was rare – this downtime. Everyone would spend it how they wished, and Beau felt she had no right to infringe upon their time with a request so selfish.

She figured it was good practice for later – for when they all inevitably split ways and she was left alone again. It was going to be a hard transition; she wouldn't kid herself with that. Almost a year together, and potentially more spread out before them, abruptly being left behind would be massively disorienting. Beau had gotten used to falling asleep squished in between bodies in the hut, or at the very least with Jester sprawled beside her, and waking up to quiet chatter and the smell of whatever Caduceus was whipping up.

Sitting on the beach, perched on her bedroll and staring out over the cresting and dipping whitecaps, entirely alone, Beau kind of hated it all. She hated the silence broken by the sound of waves, hated the chill on either side of her, and hated most of all how her chest ached with loneliness despite the fact that she could easily head back to the group and rectify that hollowness.

But she convinced herself that would be selfish, that she needed the practice in being alone.

The sound of Yasha's harp cut through the raucous silence.

Soothing, fumbling, and familiar, Beau didn't realize her eyes had started to water until she turned her head to look in the direction of the noise. She blinked against the dampness building against her lower lids and pretended it wasn't there. For a brief moment, she considered getting up and following the sound, but then remembered why she was out here, remembered that would be selfish of her to infringe upon Yasha's time alone when they had it so rarely these days.

Forcing her gaze away from the direction of Yasha's playing, Beau instead cast her eyes out across the sea again and made herself be content with letting the sound surround her and took comfort in what she could.

Really, what was she going to do after the Mighty Nein inevitably split up – assuming she survived to see it? She knew that the Cobalt Soul would always be open to her, and there was no way in hell Beau would find her way back to her parents' house, not after everything. She could always just be like Dairon and throw herself into her work, fade into obscurity so deeply that her friends would never hear from her again unless she wanted them to. That...that didn't sound so bad, because she doubted they would actually want anything to do with her once they left her behind. Because when they left, that meant they were done tolerating her bullshit.

It would be selfish to pull them back.

Beau was always selfish – so selfish. Maybe it was time to start fixing that. Maybe they wouldn't leave her behind so abruptly if she did.

"Beau?"

Too late, the monk realized that the sound of the harp had ceased and she hadn't heard the soft hush of sand giving way under Yasha's approach, so lost in her deprecating thoughts. Her head jerked up and around to look at the Aasimar in response, forgetting to dry her eyes and hide the evidence of her tears before she did.

Yasha’s brow furrowed and Beau cursed at herself quietly, moving to wipe her cheeks dry and forced out the fakest sounding laugh she had ever heard. But she tried to forge on anyway, not wanting to confront this right now.

“Sorry…I didn’t hear you coming. I got some salt in my eyes from the spray, y’know?” Maybe Yasha would be gracious enough to accept that bullshit excuse, because honestly if she had fed that to anyone else in the Nein, they would see right through her.

Yasha stayed standing for a few quiet heartbeats before she decidedly sat on the sand next to Beau's bedroll and tugged her harp free from her belt again. Without saying anything, the Aasimar started quietly strumming an aimless tune, her mismatched eyes staring out over the lazy waves ahead of them. This tune was a little less fumbling than the one Beau had borne witness to earlier, a little quieter, but no less soothing. Not entirely sure what to make of this, she turned her gaze back towards the water and shut her eyes, let the sound of the harp interwoven with the crash of waves against the surf completely ensconce her. Beau found it a little easier to breathe after that, a little easier to stop her tears and push away the thoughts that held an iron grip on her chest.

They stayed like that for a while longer, Yasha's aimless tune eventually tapering off to leave them sitting in companionable, easy silence. At some point, Beau opened her eyes and found herself content to just watch the water with Yasha, a silent sentinel at her side. Eventually, though, Beau turned to look at the Aasimar and gave her a quiet, "thank you."

Yasha glanced her way, mismatched eyes soft and understanding – not a hint of judgment to be found.

Thank you for not judging me.

Oh, have you seen me? Who am I to fucking judge?

"Of course, Beau," Yasha all but whispered. "Are you feeling any better?"

Huffing softly at the unintentionally loaded question, Beau glanced away again towards the surf and offered a noncommittal, one-shoulder shrug. Her chest felt a little less tight, but the underlying crux of the problem was still there: her friends would one day leave her and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

"Yeah," Beau lied. Yasha gave her a quiet, significant look, and Beau knew that she would not get away with her lying this time. She offered that same shrug again and sat quietly, feeling the heavy weight of Yasha's eyes on her profile. Deflating under the weight of it after a quiet minute, Beau caved and started talking.

"It's really nothing, Yash. I just keep thinking about what to do when all of this is over, y'know? I guess I'm just stuck on this thought of what do I do after we all part ways. It’s gonna be really lonely, and it’s just something I’m having a hard time rectifying."

"You sound so certain that we won't stick together, or at least keep in touch." Beau looked at Yasha with open surprise and confusion warring in her expression. Did Yasha really think they would stick together in the end? Or was it just wishful thinking?

"I mean, Veth has got her family, and she's always talking about going home to them. Jester misses her mom literally all the time and Caduceus will probably go home eventually – I mean you heard him the other day. He said all that stuff about how he hoped we would all come to him to be put in the ground. He's expecting to go home at some point."

"What about Fjord? Caleb? Me? We don't have homes to go to."

For some reason, that comment made Beau feel like shit. She was here bemoaning and fretting about her future when she did have somewhere to go – and three of her friends had no home at all.

"I uh...shit. I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"

"No, that's not what I meant," Yasha cut her off, expression pinching in the way it usually did when she knew she had been misunderstood. "I just meant that not all of us are trying to leave – because we have no where to go."

That was...not something Beau had thought about before. Blinking quietly for a moment, she then turned bodily towards Yasha and asked, "what would you do – where would you go – if this group dissolved in the next few weeks?"

Seemingly caught off guard by the questions being turned her way, Yasha looked away and seemed to ponder over her answer for a few minutes, quiet and still. Beau took the chance to eagerly soak in Yasha's profile, studying the sharp curve of the Aasimar's nose, the slope of her chin, the way her matted, dreaded hair fell around her shoulders. She was a study in silence and stoicism with a surprisingly soft center that Beau knew she was privileged to bear witness to.

Beau was staring – and she knew she was – but Yasha was beautiful and she couldn't help it.

"I suppose," Yasha started, and Beau twitched out of her reverie at the sudden sound. "I would stay with whoever would have me. Or if no one would, I'd follow the Stormlord's direction."

She turned her gaze back toward Beau and asked, "what about you?"

"Ha...who knows, honestly. The Soul could probably always use me somewhere, and I wouldn't go back to Kamordah even if someone paid me. Honestly, I wouldn't settle down. Not yet."

Yasha nodded, looking contemplative. Beau wondered what was going through her head, but refrained from asking. The pair ended up sitting silently in this way for a while longer, the droning wash of crashing waves to keep their quiet company. Beau could feel the tension near consistently wound into the muscles of her shoulders start to ease and fade. Yasha's companionable quiet, her easy understanding of silence between people being okay, left no room for Beau to worry about saying the wrong thing or not saying the right thing. All she had to do was sit and be, and it was easier than any meditation she had ever attempted.

"You know," Beau started after a long while, the moons hanging in the sky above them now. Her voice sounded so loud after so little words exchanged. "You'd be more than welcome to come with me wherever I ended up."

Yasha took a pause of a moment to look sideways at the monk as a tiny smile crept cautiously at the edges of her lips. Her mismatched eyes were glowing tentatively with fondness tinged in hope. Beau tried to recall if her chest always fluttered like this when Yasha looked at her.

"I'd like that," Yasha agreed softly, her fingers running absently over the taught strings of the harp – not making music but just feeling the length of the strings. "It sounds nice."

Beau grinned – not her usual sharp, dangerous one, but gentle and easy and agreeable. It felt like a promise, sounded like hope for a future she had previously been terrified of. It wouldn't be the Nein, but it would be Yasha, and assuming they both survived long enough to see it, that was a future Beau quite liked the sound of.

With a nod, Beau leaned a little more into where she propped her hands on her bedroll behind her and stared out at the moons hanging over the ocean. The sounds of Nicodranas' night fare were distant and significantly less than the sounds of the day market, but a pleasant hum to their sentry. They lingered for a while longer before Yasha eventually moved, pushing to her feet and tucking her harp away as she dusted the loose sand from her seat. Beau – who had had every intention of spending her two full days alone out on the shores of the city – remained where she was. She knew that it would ache something fierce, but she was ready to watch Yasha walk away. Despite their promise, Beau knew that it was for the future, not for right now.

But the pale woman turned to look down at the monk and raised an eyebrow at her in question, gesturing to Beau's set up.

"Are you coming?" Yasha asked, voice unassuming, leaving it up to Beau to either rise and join her or stay put. It was clear though that there would be no judgment in whatever she decided to do.

Beau thought of the Chateau, of Jester spending the evening tucked into her mother's room, of Veth's sturdy arms encircling her son and husband with brightness to her eyes that Beau rarely saw when they travelled. But she also thought of Caleb's nose tucked into a book, present in the downstairs tavern despite his lack of attention, just for the presence of company. Of Fjord and Caduceus and their excited, idle chatter as they nursed food and drink and knew not to include Caleb in conversation, but kept him company regardless. She thought of Yasha, standing over her now with a cautious expectation, an almost always-willing drinking buddy, a companion who was stalwart and sturdy and consistent even if she wasn't always heard. Beau thought of a quiet promise of a quiet future and made her choice.

"The beach isn't going anywhere." Beau stood and packed up her bedroll and her bag and followed Yasha back towards the winding streets of Nicodranas to the Chateau.