#THEYRE SO FUNNY <- depressing in retrospect

[todayisafridaynight]

What’s a moment from Jo that gives you emotional damage?

all two scenes he's alone with aoki like bruh i feeeeeel the kicked puppy energy practically oozing off of him

[mrangeldevil]

apparently my thing is internet culture now sooo fuck it heres some more of my thoughts

emoticons vs the 2020s... complete lack of emoticons

emoticons are an extremely vital part of internet culture, ever since computers were even a thing! the first substantiated instance of an emoticon was used on a forum back in 1982, featuring the :-) face

now its not that theyre completely phased out, thatd be very hard to do as everyone almost universally uses :), :D or :-) to communicate happiness; but the use of them and their variations were much more heavily used until the 2020s. nowadays its pretty rare to see someone use XD, O-O or the accursed owo; but why is that? if we’ve used these emoticons for so long then why in the world did most people stop using them?

well, i have a personal theory. there is no pure evidence other than trends ive noticed as the internet has progressed, so take this with a grain of salt.

i think its because of cringe culture. emoticons were heavily associated with geeks and, in particular, scene culture and during the mid-late 2010s seeing cringe compilations of kids who participated in nerd culture was a gateway to cyberbullying and as the internet grew, it switched from being an escape for geeks & nerds to every day life where they are bullied for their interests and hobbies. on top of that, when 2020 hit everyone was in a deep depression and many parts of the internet were and are just people yelling or fighting eachother.

its a bit hard to notice over here on tumblr but if you just check out whats happening on other sites, its all constant infighting and cyberbullying people who dont fit the “status quo” which has resulted in many people dropping emoticons as a whole because emoticons are meant to be silly & fun and are heavily associated with geek culture which doesnt fit at all with the kind of mentality most people online have anymore.

i remember reading some type of article or retrospective about how different the mentalities of the 2000s-2010s vs the 2020s were and this is a pretty good example: back in the early 2010s, the buzzwords were YOLO, epic, awesome and swag, all words pertaining to fun and joy, whereas the current buzzwords of 2022 are gaslighting, infodumping (it isnt negative in itself but a lot of people use it as a synonym for venting nowadays) and grooming. stark difference isnt it? and emoticons like @-@ really dont fit the grim tone the 2020s seem to be stuck in for the time being.

now, luckily, emoticons seem to be receiving a revival via the scene revival (which makes sense since emoticons are vital to scene) and, in a weird way i think the revival of emoticons shows an improvement of the internet’s outlook. emoticons are meant to show your emotions, and a lot of people have been stuck feeling emotionally stunted due to how depressing this decade has started so seeing people use them once again is a good thing. it means that people are learning how to have fun again and a very good way to help improve moral and making you happy might just be a funny little face on a computer screen

maybe im overanalyzing it but hey, try out using some emoticons, it might just make you feel a little happier about yourself ^-^

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 22

oooh man, its time to feel some EMOTIONS!

I'm BACK after a hiatus, which was due in part to me getting my 1st dose of the covid vaccine! woohoo!

anyways, starting here w/issue 22....we have a great cover w/thunderclash, the legend himself

oof. the covers made me forget how much I don't like the art this issue...I hate to be mean to the artists but this art style just isn't doin it for me chief

god I love this issue though. the framing device of rewind’s movie is so so fantastic

tailgate listing off all his fake awards/accomplishments....ily 

rodimus my boy, you're a prime in my heart

the ‘not a decepticon’ label for cyclonus is so much hvbhkjfbskjf

I literally wanna comment on every single panel bc I love all the characters so much but then id be here forever...that being said whirl ily sm 

hvbjdfbhsfjhdfshja BRAINSTORM ‘according to perceptor - ships genius’ hvhdkjhbfhjs ily dumb gay idiot

and then the cut to perceptor after brainstorm like, blew up his lab vjbkdsfnbksjf dude

GODDDDDD drift ‘your name...defines you. it’s your soul expressed in syllables. hm? oh, yes, sorry. it’s drift.’ GOD he’s so fucking funny. I love early story hippy drift

god I cant stop thinking about how good this whole issue would be as an animated show...like, specifically rewinds film, it would be SO FUCKING GOOOOOOD mtmte show WHEN

rewiiiiind ;_; I fuckgin love rewind god. fellow video editing enthusiast....

ohhhh rodimus being embarrassed about his big speech at the beginning of mtmte....my boy I love u so much

gjhnbgehjsrkfbjksf magnus being suspicious of rewind oh my god. magnus ily but please, look at the lil guy, he’s a good boy, most of the time

the fuckgin footage that magnus removed hbvhakjbfhskf god. wasn't that intended to be footage of magnus dancing? I love him

minibot squad.....

and here it begins, the mystery stick rung question...

poor rung oh my god he’s just trying to polish his lil spaceship and people r throwing shit at him. taking Ls as per usual it seems

hand grenade tag hvbfjksdnfbkjdf love that callback

noooo rungs ship :( 

magnus’s censorship vhbhadkjfhdbhjsakjhfn

oh man I forgot about how they met that race of Transformers But More 

the one-upsmanship hbvkajsbehfjks

whirrrrrl lmao I love whirl sm

goddddd whirl just killing that other alien and ending the 16 million yr long civil war bvkjsdbfhjjkafs so fucking much

oh god oh god the ‘are you happy’ page, I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this like, ever

but I will say I feel like it would be EVEN MORE oof if it were milne or someone drawing it bc I feel like this art style takes away from some of the impact bc the expressions aren't really that...expressive? idk how to put it

anyways. every single answer destroys me!!! like even the happy ones, like chromedome and rewind and tailgate - well, in present time, none of those three are doing so hot, so that makes this just hurt 

and rung....that is so fucking depressing. jesus. this guy is so fuckng sad, somebody get him a friend stat

and swerve...ouch. this readthru I've really noticed how much early-mtmte swerve is not-so-subtly like, crying out for help bc he’s so alone and shit. jesus 

also brainstorms response is just plain ole sad w/context, but at this point in the story without context, it just seems very foreboding lmao. I'm realizing this readthru that brainstorm is very sketchy and ominous in a particular ‘is he evil?’ mad scientist sorta way in early mtmte

and then everyone else is also just so OOF in their own unique sad ways, but I think the worst out of everyone is drift....GODDDDDD. especially considering that at this point in the story, drift is this kinda goofy hippy guy, so seeing him just sit there with his face in his hand, not even answering the question...AND knowing that shortly after this he’ll end up banished...IT FUCKING HURTS M8!

meanwhile, the more upbeat ‘quest to see rungs alt mode’ continues...with an ‘alt mode party’ vhbadkjsdfnabskjf it looks so silly with a bunch of cars just sitting around a table lmao

I cant even tell who everyone is bc they so rarely turn into cars n shit lmaoooooo 

rodimus with the bucket on his head hbvhakjbfskjf I CANT

everyone’s reactions to thunderclash...i fucking love it

the fact that TAILGATE doesn't hate him, even though we’ve seen that tailgate tends to dislike people who are universally liked/who have achieved a lot of impressive things

rodimus you petty thot vbdkjbfdjhsakjdf ily

RODIMUS IS SO FUNNYYYYYY ‘I'm not making all these sacrifices and leading these guys into battle and being inspirational - I'm not doing that because it makes me look good’ RODIMUS VBHSKJDFNBKSJF

thunderclash talking about magnus’s article on typefaces....hdbksjfsdbkjgfb bro

AND THEN MAGNUS HUGS HIM....HGBSKJFDSHFKD I CANT

POOR DRIFT bvhajkdfbhjkjsfd rodimus saying he ‘rehabilitated him’ oh my god

the whole spectralism thing...im sorry I cant get over how funny all this is vbakdjfbksjf thunderclash rlly b out here charming rodimus’s entire crew

and then ratchet comes in, calling tc ‘thunders,’ and tc immediately notices ratchets new hands (somehow) hvbkjfhbskjf truly amazing

it cracks me up that rodimus is all 😒😒 at thunderclash, even though as we come to find out, tc really IS That Perfect, and him complimenting rodimus isn't sarcasm at all lmao

AND THEYRE LOOKING FOR THE KNIGHTS OF CYBERTRON TOO HVSDHFJBSHKHDFJS OF COURSE

the vis vitalis being a life support machine spaceship is a really cool concept tho

‘rescuing some orphans from an exploding sun’ I fucking cant

evil guy: [holds a gun to thunderclash’s head] 

rodimus: :D finally something doesn't go his way!

he’s so petty I’m..........dkdjhfdabhduifadijgl

and its the aliens from earlier! oooh

GODDD I forgot that swerve used rung in mystery stick mode to SCHWACK the guy

rung casually dropping the fact that the functionists like, experimented on him...there's a lot of implications there, and that'll certainly be explored more later...

the fact that his ID card says ‘rong’ hvbhjakhdsbfakhsjfn 

oughufadkfujbsfk the circle of light throwing wrenches n shit at skids...guys cmon vbhsdjkfnslfd

the circle of light is like ‘wtf you all have trauma and a bunch of weird unhealthy coping mechanisms this is wack byeeeee’ lmao

skids calling the lost light his home is rlly sweet tho

cant believe the religious space hippy cult is being so rude about a film made by a guy who died like a week ago. unreal 

cd finally figured out how to make the pffft sound, good for him

AUGHHHHH the fact that rewind used ‘little victories’ as the title of the film and that's something that chromedome said in the video ;_; I'm fucking inconsolable 

rodimus, despite his obvious posturing for the camera during the whole issue, comes off as surprisingly genuine when he says that he hasn't thought about his own future much, but wants the crew to have a happy ending....im gonna cry

‘who knows what's around the corner?’ tailgate, PLEASE don't say that, oh my god, 

OUGHHHH GROUP SHOT 

OHHH mannnnNNNNN i love this issue SO MUCH. what a good fun emotional rollercoaster wrap-up to mtmte s1. god. 

like, this issue has it all - humor, drama, crippling sadness, intrigue, worldbuilding...it’s so excellent 

and getting to see rewind again hurts so bad but also I love him

ok quick mtmte s1 retrospective...god s1 is so fucking good. I'm gonna have to read more to say which chunk of mtmte I liked best but s1 is so fucking excellent that it might be my favorite. though its hard to pick bc there's so much good stuff later on too...whatever, the point is s1 is so so good

the plotlines and characters are fucking stellar. like I cant even believe how well Everything works, its very impressive. I cant really think of anything major that made me go ‘yeah could've done without that plotline/character’

I love how dedicated jro is to connecting everything. I've mentioned it before but basically every single moment in the series has payoff - what you initially think is just a funny moment, or a fluffy character establishment bit, ends up ALSO being an important plot point later, in some way

an example would be here w/rung and his alt mode - it just seems like a fun little B-plot for this issue, and seems to pretty neatly conclude with the reveal that rung was eventually classified as an ‘ornament’ (lmao)...but we later on get to see a lot more about this, both here and in the functionist universe 

and like, stuff like tailgate’s autobot lessons w/magnus - at first that can be seen as purely character establishment stuff, showing that magnus is a strict rule-lover and tg is a loveable try-hard good boy - but that becomes plot relevant in remain in light, with tailgate saving the day due to his knowledge of the autobot code (and its also character relevant, with magnus’s arc in remain in light). 

and I know this is like. a normal regular thing in writing, but I'm just very impressed about how cleanly jro pulls it off, and how many things he’s juggling at once, especially in early mtmte - it’s very ambitious!

and we gotta remember, this is a comic book. I've read a lot of comic books, and the quality is all over the place. a lot of writers bite off more than they can chew, and the story ends up kinda scattered as a result. 

another thing I see a lot in franchise writing like this is a lack of strong early character establishing due to the author assuming the readers are at least somewhat familiar with the characters already - which can be totally fair depending on where it is in the continuity, but other times it can come off as lazy

in mtmte, the cast is extremely well fleshed out, and not only that, the cast itself is unique in that there are a lot of relative unknowns (franchise-wise) - which I think was an absolutely brilliant move, because then jro was able to essentially create The Definitive Version of these characters - characters like swerve, brainstorm, chromedome, rewind, tailgate...mtmte is their baseline characterization, because they haven't really appeared in much else

this also allows for deviation from the franchise norms - again, a comic book classic is good writing being stifled by a need to stick to a certain status quo regard the characters, the world, the powers, relationships, etc

(I've mostly read DC comics, and some marvel, so I'm thinking superheroes w/all these comic comparisons)

so mtmte had a good recipe for genuine creativity in that the characters were relative unknowns, the plot was basically ‘space road trip,’ the status quo of ‘autobot vs decepticon war’ had been demolished throughout the entire franchise...so jro was able to take all that and run, and it turned out so fantastic

and luckily it isn't over yet! so many comics suffer from premature cancellation...and sadly mtmte/ll isn't exempt from this, as we’ll see later, but I've seen some awful ones, where comics are forced to wrap up in like 2 issues while in the middle of an arc. yikes. 

but another comic staple...one of my least favorite things about comics books in general...something that was basically responsible for driving me away from comics after reading a bunch...the dreaded crossover event

yep, even mtmte isn't immune to this unfortunate plague on the comic industry. crossover events are the absolute worst, and I'm saying this as somebody who adores crossovers (in concept more than execution usually). they SHOULD be my favorite, but unfortunately they p much always completely suck

they're essentially a ploy to get you to read the other ongoing titles, but they usually only serve to bog down whatever story you're reading to the point where you don't even wanna read that one anymore, let alone read all the other ongoings. at least, that’s been my experience 

it doesn't help that reading orders tend to be hard to find/keep track of, and that you need to go read the other series to know what's going on. I just hate it, like, I came here to read THIS series, I don't want a bunch of other series showing up too - even if I was reading two series, I wouldn't want them crossed over, because they're separate stories! augh!

I'm totally losing my focus here but my point is...crossover events suck, and mtmte unfortunately is involved in one. I have not read dark cybertron, and I'm not about to. I've heard nothing but bad things so I have no desire to inflict that upon myself 

soooo ill be reading through the tfwiki articles for those issues to give myself a better understanding of what went on - which is more than I've ever done in the past - and maybe ill even make a single post summarizing my thoughts on what I read in the wiki, lmao

but yea ill be skipping to the mtmte s2 stuff next 

phew ok I'm super tired, my vision keeps blurring out and stuff lmao. its time for bed, I probably have more thoughts but ill save them for later. for now...peace out!

[tumblunni]

My ideas if Wales gets referenced in this new britain region which is probably unlikely but we can hope:

* Another sheep pokemon/a mareep regional variant/just mareep being common over here

* llamhigyn y dwr regional variant of gligar! As a kid i always thought gligar was meant to be one of those! Its a mytholigical flying frog with a scorpion tail, and really the only reason i dont think gligar is based on it is because its ground instead of water type. Like its really specifically similar right down to the wings being webs under the arms!

* Welsh Lady pokemon! (The traditional costume kids wear at eisteddfods)

* Maybe instead some sort of legendary based on eisteddfods in general? Theyre a poetry/art festival where the winner gets "the chairing of the bard" aka just imagine ur average school contest except if ur in wales u literally get knighted with a fake sword, crown and The School's Personal Throne. Its very weird in retrospect but it just seemed normal when i was a kid. I won it once and i was so anxious having to go thru the big celebration thing!! Like aaa just let me take my certificate and run! XD So yeah maybe a legendary based on the eisteddfod throne itself? Its called a throne but its more of a fancy wooden chair with patterns carved into it. So some sort of wooden dragon! And the legend would be that only the most talented bards can ride it and it bucks off anyone it thinks isnt purehearted enough. And maybe it could have a lovespoon for a tail cos thats also another wooden welsh thing. (Fancy carved spoons for good luck and/or romantic gifts)

* welsh cake pokemon!! Theyre just a sweetened scone with raisins in it, but i think it could be really cute as a design. Im thinking a rock type that just coincidentally looks like a cake with raisins, and it rolls around sideways like a big goofy crab~

* or if you wanna go for other local foods maybe mix the kelpie with bara bryth? (Seaweed bread paste stuff) So its just a loaf of bread that evolves into a badass horse and it would make no sense to anyone except brits, lol.

* perhaps a legandary based on the bard taliesin? It could be similar to nebby in starting off with a weak baby form but then becoming a badass! Cos his origin story was that he wasnt naturally all super cool so talented at singing that he could make literal magic happen just by sheer creativity. Instead he accidentally drank a magic potion of creativity that a witch made, and his abilities came at the cos of Pissing Her Off Forevermore. So maybe the baby form cpuld be a witch's cauldron? And have a tail made of chains to symbolize how he was enslaved as that witch's assistant and managed to escape with her most valuable prize. And then his ethereal fancy humanoid form could maybe be similar to meloetta's living music thing but more with calligraphy instead? But perhaps still have a similar chain tail to show his origins, except now the links in the chain are all fancy calligraphy Os, lol

* accompanying legendary possibilities: ceridwen (the evil witch from that story) or morfran (her innocent son) Morfran did nothing wrong but is often painted as more of the villain of the story than she is, simply because he was black. Yeah there's racism even back in our mythology, ugh...! I always felt so depressed for morfran cos the story is that ceridwen only made this super magical potion of being the best bard ever cos everyone said her son was the ugliest man on earth and EVEN SHE AGREED so she thought she had to give him some magic powers to stop people from hating him. And instead taliesin steals it and goes off to be the most powerful and respected and also handsome man ever, the end. And seriously the ONLY THING they mention about why this child is ugly is that he was "black like a crow" and also his name means evil crow. And thats just the end of his story forever, being some other dude's origin story and then forgotten into the void :( So like hey a pokemon criticizing that part of the myth wouls be great too! Like maybe have morfran be a counterpart legendary like latias to latios and he just looks equally beautiful with a reversed colourscheme of dark skin and white calligraphy patterns. And maybe the pokedex entry could be like "taliesinmon got its powers thru a magical gift from meloetta" and "morfranmon worked really hard for its powers all on its own and also is very socially anxious and relateable and tumblr user tumblunni's favourote character in all british mythologies despite also representing the worst part of our nation but hey its not this man's fault please rescue him ok" Srsly its not like its common to see taliesin referenced in fiction but morfran is even more forgotten and i think he needs at least one positive fictional depiction to make up for being screwed over in the original myth.

* Another myth with unintended bad messages is the one of Blodeuwedd or Dwedd (friends may recognize that i named my Gourgeist after her!) Her story is that she was an artificial human created out of plants in order to be some guy's sex toy basically. Yet she's the villain of the story cos she refused to marry him and ran off with another guy. Like seriously she was BORN to marry this dude! Even if he's the big mythological prince we're supposed to root for, with modern morality perspectives its kinda impossible to see it that way. At least unlike morfran she actually does do other stuff to establish her as a villain other than just existing, she comes back with her new boyfriend to kill the dude who made her and thus set the course of history awry cos he was A Really Inportant Destiny Prince And All. But seriously dude this is 100% your own fault for being creepy enough to not want to date real women and instead have some messed up preprogrammed woman who'd do whatever you want. "The only reason she wouldnt obey like he wanted must be because the seed of evil was in her heart" yeah no maybe it was the seed of free will u bastard. Anyway they have a funny sequence where prince douche mc douchebag is prophesized to never be killed by etc etc etc so dwedd and her new boyf have to trick him into THE MOST CONTRIVED CIRCUMSTANCE EVER to find a loophole. I think it was something like one foot on a goat and one on a bucket while at the border line between two countries at the crack of dawn? And as fitting a standard boring hero story of course eeeevil dwedd gets thwarted and prince pompous is ressurected and she's punished forever by being turned into an immortal owl for some reason.

* SO YEAH! Plant owl legendary! I just thought this myth in particular would be cool cos a female plant legendary with a disney villain aesthetic instead of the cliche pretty sexy thing everyone would probably expect. Make her bombastic and badass and terrifying!!! The pumpkaboo line is the closest thing so far cos bat pumpkin is KINDA close to daffodil owl. At least in terms of spooky aesthetic, lol

* oh and also her boyfriend was named gronw pebr and honestly he barely does anything in the whole story but he has a really cool name so i felt like mentioning it

* our national flower is the daffodil and our national vegetable is the leek so maybe a farfetch'd variation with a daffodil? Or maybe a saucepan or somethin. It could kinda work with farfetch'd origin, plus one of our most famous nursery rhymes is about saucepans. AR GATH WEDI SCRAPU GROOKEY BACH

* our national animal is actually the dragon not the sheep! So definately give us some good dragon types!! Our flag is a dragon so maybe our legendary could be that? And perhaps reference the whole "red dragon beats the white dragon symbolizing how much england sucks" legend by having it have two forms like minior or darmanitan and the weaker cowardly defensive one is england. Just sayin!!

* i dont think you can really make a pokemon personification of england conquering and literally owning us and us taking so long to even get considered a separate country again and be able to have our native language in schools except it was already so many generations passed of it being forbidden to be spoken that barely anyone still knew it and even nowadays when we have billingual road signs the rate of billingualism is incredibly low and im really jealous of my sister growing up in a school that taught it from a young age cos i was thrown into intermediate level welsh without having the basic lessons and thus nevee managed to learn it at all and felt both stupid and disconnected from my ancestors irretreiveably

* MAYBE A RUGBY POKEMON I DUNNO LOL

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[raininjuiy]

update / and also a vent. 

soooo im sorta back?? idk ive been wanting to keep going bc of the reviews you guys left on BCD last time and for some reason comments kept coming in and since i get notifications thru my email, i do see them. they dont go unnoticed. i apologize for the long break if you actually did like the fic and if youre new to the fic, im a bad updater!!! but things did get hectic.

so here come the sad personal issues i dealt with if you really want a reason why i havent updated in so long.

start of vent/explaination: i started college a year ago and as fun as it is, its a little stressful. especially when finals roll around, i basically had a breakdown while i was studying lmao its actually kinda funny. i was doing homework and studying nonstop for 3 hours. i was proud of myself and i thought ‘im gonna get some coffee bc im proud’ and so i left everything on the floor and drove to the nearest starbucks. when i got home, i got into my room and somehow, my large coffee drink slipped out of my hand and spilled all over my floor, papers, and homework. first i started laughing bc the irony was too much then i started crying when i was getting towels to clean it up. so that was a taste of what i did in my break. i also got into a relationship and surprise surprise, it wasnt a healthy relationship. he would guilt trip me constantly, threaten to do something to himself if i left, beat himself up and say “i’m a bad person, i hate myself” if i gave him one criticism about our relationship, flirt with other girls and tell me he was just joking, and i felt so guilty that i sacrificed family time, friend time, and my own personal time to go be with him. i would see him every single night and come home at my curfew which is 2am. so i never had my own time to do things i liked and i bent backwards to please someone who never deserved it for 6 months. in retrospect, i shouldve left sooner but i did care about him and i didnt want him to hurt himself. but i became severely depressed in our relationship and i had no motivation. when i did have my own time, i wouldnt use it to do anything but sleep and play video games. i constantly felt exhausted and i was overly emotional, which was why i didnt want to update anymore. im sorry if it seems like im making excuses and im really not looking for pity. thats the last thing i want. i just never discussed this with anyone and it feels good to let it out. side story about ex: i told him i was gonna see twenty one pilots and he made me feel guilty about that too even tho he knows theyre my favorite band lmao i considered not going bc of how bad he made me feel.

end of vent/explaination

TL;DR a lot of shit happened & im stupid, i got depressed and had no motivation to continue the story.

but with the breaks i have inbetween classes, ive decided to use that time to stay on campus and write the story rather than waste gas and go home for an hour and have to go back to my campus. hopefully this remains consistent!!