#Taming of The Screwy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ugh-yoongi · 2 years

Text

riding fakie | ksj

(or, the one where you think you’re getting a fake boyfriend, but you end up with a whole lot more.)

→ pairing: seokjin x f. reader → genre(s): enemies to lovers (lite), fake dating | humor, fluff, angst → rating: mature → warnings: based entirely on this edit i saw ages ago so good luck, swearing, reader is a trust fund kid with awful parents so classism and screwy family dynamics, a very brief but referenced two-night-stand with taehyung who has a foot fetish (canon) and is ultimately plot irrelevant, this is lite enemies to lovers so sometimes they are not very nice to each other, kissing. i think that’s it? this is mostly tame, all things considered, but i will revise if needed. → word count: 14.2k → written for: the catch of the century collab. thank you to @raplinesmoon / @joheunsaram / & @kithtaehyung for hosting and allowing me to participate! ♡ → thank yous: my holy trinity for keeping me inspired and accountable and letting me know when i don’t word good. @the-boy-meets-evil / @hot-soop / @effortandmore. also my husband who actually skateboards and helped me to sound knowledgeable but will also never, ever see this. → a/n: [looking a whole lot like the dehydrated spongebob meme] hey, long time no see. this fic absolutely kicked my ass like nothing has ever kicked my ass before, but it’s finally done and here. i don’t think i’m super happy with how it turned out and i think it’s probably rushed, but i hope you all enjoy it regardless! now, if you need me i will be sobbing on the floor holding a locket with seokjin’s picture inside.

[THE THREAT]

The thing about privilege is—

Well, nothing. It’s just there, propped up in the corner, looming over every aspect of your life. And usually it’s fine. You want for nothing. People just hand things to you. But, just like the apple tree and Isaac Newton and the Law of Gravity—everything that goes up must come down. Nothing gold can stay. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You might have your name and your money and your status, but you also have your parents and your brother.

Your brother, who has somehow found someone to marry him and is planning a wedding.

Your parents, who are threatening to revoke your trust fund if you don’t attend. And bring a date.

“I don’t want to hear it,” your mother says, preemptively cutting off your protests. She’s always had a knack for dictatorship, and another one for doing so as she barks orders to the hired help in the background. “This wedding is very important for us as a family. Do you know how bad it’d look if you not only didn’t show up, but showed up alone? It won’t do.”

On your end of the line, sitting at some bougie outdoor café with an overpriced latte in hand, you roll your eyes. “Wouldn’t it look worse to cut off your only daughter and leave her destitute? God forbid, what if I have to get a job?”

An aggravated click of her tongue. “I don’t know where you got that smart mouth of yours, but it’s unbecoming. I’ve at least managed to talk your brother’s fiancee out of including you in the bridal party, so you could show a bit of gratitude instead of being a brat.”

(Impossible, you think. Your brother had taken all the suck-up genes and left nothing for you. Alternatively, you’d taken all the backbone, so it’s almost even.)

“Why don’t you ask the youngest Jeon boy? They’re coming anyway, and it would look good for your father if the two of you were seen together.”

You grimace. “Jeongguk? Absolutely not.”

Another click. “Fine, but don’t you dare even think about showing up with some—”

“Piece of shit loser,” you finish for her. Usually she’d scold you for swearing, but it’s apparently allowed in the name of shitting on the middle-class. “Yes, Mother, I get it. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dare sully our good family name by associating with the poor.”

She doesn’t trust you, you can tell by the way she huffs and starts mumbling under her breath, but it’s clear she’s just as done with this conversation as you. “You have three months to figure it out.”

Privilege can go to hell.

[THE SEARCH]

Park Jimin is a lot of things.

He’s got money. He’s got hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers for no reason other than he’s hot. He’s got a closet full of in-season designer clothes, so he’d look stunning hanging off your arm in a tailored suit. He’s got charisma and charm and that innate ability to talk to anyone about all that boring shit you can’t stand.

Most importantly, he’s got a chip on his shoulder, too. He’s on your level.

Park Jimin is telling you no. “Sorry, I’ll be out of the country that weekend,” he says. He doesn’t look sorry. “One of those things I can’t skip. You know how it is.”

Your eyes narrow. “You’re full of shit.”

Park Jimin’s got a laugh that rings like Tiffany crystal. “Maybe.”

Still, you’re not above begging. The list of acceptable arm candy candidates (which you’ve taken to calling The Armcandidates, because you also got all the humor genes) is rapidly dwindling, and although Jimin’s not bottom of the barrel, he’s close. “Jimin, please. Whatever you want, I just need this one favor.”

“Don’t barter with things you’re not willing to give up,” he chides, nothing but heat. Would you fuck Jimin to keep your trust fund? Pillowy lips, slutty little waist, thighs that could crush your head like a grape—you could definitely do worse, all things considered.

“Who says I’m not?”

Jimin would come dead last in a poker tournament, the way surprise flashes across his face. “Well, in that case, I’m actually sorry I’ll be out of the country that weekend.”

You groan, head dropping onto your folded arms. “Can’t believe I outed myself like that and you’re still turning me down.”

Laughter trails behind him as he disappears into his massive closet. “Have you asked Taehyungie? He loves weddings.”

“The last time I talked to Kim Taehyung, he jerked off on my feet and cried. I don’t think I could look him in the eye, let alone invite him to my brother’s wedding.”

Jimin snorts. “He’s actually quite lovely once you get past the foot stuff. Think about it.”

Regretfully, not only do you think about asking Taehyung, you actually go through with it.

One day you’re talking to Jimin and the next thing you know, you’re once again on your back in Kim Taehyung’s bed. No weird feet shit this time, you’d told him, and, well, here you are. Skin tacky from sweat, entire room stinking of sex. Kim Taehyung is weird as hell but he’s unreasonably hot, and you’d made it all of ten minutes in his presence before folding.

(The last time it’d been five, so you’re making progress. Surely that’s something to be proud of.)

“I actually came here for a reason,” you say, still trying to catch your breath. Beside you, Taehyung hums an acknowledgement. You try not to wonder if he’s staring at your toes and that’s why he’s breathing so hard. “I need to bring a date to my brother’s wedding or my parents are gonna cut me off.”

He whistles. “Damn, that’s cold. Fully?”

“That’s what they say.”

“And you’ve decided to ask me? I’m honored, angel.”

“I asked Jimin first, to be fair.”

Taehyung’s face falls comically. “I’m no longer honored,” he jokes. “Jiminie’s great at weddings. He said no?”

You shrug. Something about his rejection still stings. You’re trying not to take it personally. Or think about it too much. “Said he’s going to be out of the country that weekend. Told me to ask you because you quote-unquote ‘love weddings’.”

“He said that?” Taehyung asks, voice pitched higher, dopey look overtaking his features. “Wow, we’re so in sync.” Wistful, like he’s lovesick. “We really must be soulmates.”

You choke. “Sorry, am I interrupting something?”

“Uh, no. Is the wedding the weekend he’s going to Milan?”

That ‘no’ seems to be carrying a lot of weight. You eye him suspiciously. “Apparently.”

“Ah, I’ll be in Paris. I asked him to come with me and he told me no, too. Guess you know how it feels.”

You sit up, sheets clutched to your chest. “Seriously, what’s going on with you two?”

Taehyung heaves a long-suffering sigh. “How much time do you have?”

You roll your eyes. “About three minutes.”

“Next time, then. Sorry I can’t help with the wedding. You’ll find someone, though.”

Another day, another rejection. You tell Taehyung not to look at your feet as you get dressed to leave.

Jung Hoseok isn’t generationally wealthy, but he’s got enough money to be deemed respectable in the eyes of your parents.

He’s also got a 24 karat smile and a meticulously highlighted and underlined study guide for your upcoming exam, so he’s currently ranked number one on your Armcandidates list.

“Hobi, have I ever told you you’re my favorite person?”

He eyes you over the lid of his coffee cup. “A few times, yeah.”

“Jung Hoseok,” you singsong, “actual sunshine, number one human, best thing since sliced bre—”

“If you finish that sentence with some fire of my loins Lolita bullshit I’m leaving.”

You pout. “I need a favor.”

He tosses the study guide in your direction. “Just take it. I have another copy in my bag.”

“Not that,” you say, but you take it anyway. Hoseok’s study guides are a thing of legend: even if you don’t use it, you’ll be able to sell it to some idiot underclassman for a week’s worth of coffee. The bougie kind with whipped cream on top. “I need a date for my brother’s wedding.”

Now it’s his turn to choke. “And you’re asking me?”

“Yeah? What’s wrong with asking you?”

He shrugs, suddenly antsy, like he’s too big for his skin. “I don’t know. Don’t you have, like, actual prospects? Every dude in our cohort wants to date you.”

“Because I’m hot and I have a shitload of money,” you retort, and Hoseok makes a face that says yeah, fair. “I’d rather be tarred and feathered than ask any of them. We’re friends, and I trust you. Additionally, your family’s rich enough to get my parents off my back and we’d look good together.”

“Ah, yes, that last point is very important.”

You scoff. “Of course it is, it’s my brother’s wedding. Do you know how many pictures I’m gonna be forced to take? Hundreds. Possibly thousands.”

“Sounds terrible.”

“It will be, which is why I need a brother-in-arms. A confidante. A comrade.”

“Have you asked Jimin? He’s great at weddings.”

You nearly start shrieking. “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

“...Is that a yes?”

“Of course I asked Jimin. I asked Taehyung, too. They’re both going to be out of the country and are probably fucking, and that’s not particularly something I want to get in the middle of.” Hoseok raises an eyebrow. “It could be serious,” you argue. “Like, Actual Feelings kind of stuff, and that shit gets messy.”

“Yeah, fair,” Hoseok concedes, out loud this time. “Plus Tae has that weird foot thing.”

“Exactly! So you get it.” Finally, a lead! “Will you come, then?” You flutter your eyelashes. “Pretty please, Hobi.”

“When is it?” As you rattle off the date, Hoseok digs through his bag for his phone. Then he pulls up his calendar and frowns. “Shit, no can do, either. My elective rotation starts that prior Monday.”

“Ew. What elective are you taking?”

Hoseok nearly blinds you as he smiles. “Reproductive endo and infertility.”

Your eyes widen. “Holy shit, that one you applied to ages ago? You got it?” He nods. “Oh my god, Hobi, that’s amazing!” You launch across the table to hug him. “I still hate you for bailing, but think of all the tiny raisins you’re gonna help bring into the world!” You wipe away a fake tear. “You’re a god amongst men, Jung Hoseok.”

He takes a bow. “Thank you, thank you. Speaking of which, how’s the volunteer gig in the ER treating you?”

“It’s fine.” You groan, put-upon, and sometimes Hoseok is so smiley and endearing that you feel guilty unloading all of your burdens on him, so you aren’t going to. Not unless he asks. Because he’s prone to dramatics and neuroticism but not like you are, and you know it can be a lot for someone not expecting it.

However—

“That’s good. Is that annoying guy you told me about still bothering you?”

Wrong question.

You cock an eyebrow. “This is the third time this week.”

In front of you, Kim Seokjin just grins, dried blood cracking on his plush lower lip. “Yep.”

“It’s Tuesday,” you deadpan. The grin grows wider, warping the purple-black bruise beneath his eye.

Because he’s arguably the most annoying person on earth, Seokjin just hums an acknowledgement, leaning further against the reception desk. “Well,” he says, voice interlaced with honey, “you’d have to take that up with the Babylonians, since they invented the modern calendar. Not much I can do about that.”

A pause. Then, “You’re really fucking annoying, do you know that?”

“It's a bit rude to insult someone seeking out your services, don’t you think?”

You roll your eyes, pushing your tongue into the fat of your cheek. “Not really. Not if it’s you.”

Surprisingly—or maybe not, considering everything seems to roll off his back—a laugh comes tumbling out of him. “Listen, I know it’s probably overwhelming to be blessed with the sight of this face not once, but three times in a week. I can understand and excuse your insensitivity, so I won’t report you this time, but—”

Ignoring him, you slam a clipboard onto the space between you. “You know the drill.”

“What if I’ve forgotten it?”

“Name, address, insurance information, reason for treatment.”

“You know my name, you know where I live, insurance hasn’t changed, and I’m just here to soak in your sparkling personality.”

With as murderous a stare as you can muster, you push the clipboard further in his direction. It hits something solid. Probably a rib, judging by Seokjin’s pained wheeze, but you don’t get paid enough to care. “Do you need a pen?”

“Why, so you can stab me with it?”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

He rolls his eyes. Thumbs through the intake forms and pretends to read them, even though the last time he had to sign one he’d just drawn a stick figure giving you the finger. “Have you ever spoken to anyone about your sociopathic tendencies? Might do you some good.”

With prolonged eye contact, you toss a pen in his direction. Hits him square between the eyes. “A million times,” you deadpan. This is where you’d blow a bubble and pop it if you were allowed to chew gum on the clock. “I’ve been diagnosed with an incurable case of bitchitis. It’s a very tragic burden to bear. Fill out the form.”

Seokjin huffs. Stays standing right in front of you as he does as you say, ignoring the line of people behind him that’s rapidly stacking up. Someone towards the back yells at him to get out of the way, but the protest dies immediately once he turns around and smiles. You think an elderly woman faints. She definitely bobbles, at the very least.

“Thanks so much for your help,” Seokjin says, handing the forms back with a mischievous smirk playing on his lips. They’re free of doodled middle fingers, so you wave him off. “Have a great day,” he lobs over his shoulder. When you look down, he’s giving you the finger at waist-height.

“Have the day you deserve,” you fire back.

Your skin needles with anxiety for the rest of the day.

Seokjin comes into the emergency room again on Friday.

He’s got a large gash just above his eyebrow that’s gonna need stitches. You tell him as much as he fills out the same forms as the day before, and he tells you to tell him something he doesn’t know as he rolls his eyes and winces immediately.

“Here’s something you don’t seem to know: karma is real, and she also thinks you’re an asshole.”

You get the finger again for that one. Honestly, you can’t say you don’t deserve it.

“Kiss my ass.”

You pretend to pout. “Health hazard. Against hospital policy.”

Seokjin pauses. Seems to study you for a while, and then he’s cocking an eyebrow and asking, “What do you actually do here, anyway? Besides be a giant bitch.”

Wordlessly, you point at your name tag. There, right beneath your first and last name, lies the answer to Seokjin’s question. He squints. Winces again. “You’re a med student?”

Again, you point at your name tag.

“That means I can write a complaint.”

“Go ahead,” you retort. “My mother’s on the board of directors, and luckily for you she already knows I’m a giant bitch.”

Seokjin snorts, jaw dropping slightly. Just enough to draw attention to his mouth, which you’ve seen a hundred times for a hundred different injuries, but it looks especially sinful today. Maybe it’s just because he’s being mean to you, which is something you might need to explore with Taehyung in exchange for pictures of your feet.

“Ah, I should’ve known. You’ve got overwhelming nepo kid energy. Probably never had to work for anything a day in your life, huh? Probably a legacy to whatever shit-tier medical school was bribed into accepting you, too.”

Until now, you’d thought your banter with Seokjin was relatively harmless. Barbed, sure, and definitely effective. You’d throttle Seokjin if given the chance, and you know he’d do the same. But it’s never been outright cruel.

You try to look unfazed. Try to look like you don’t care about Seokjin and his words at all, because they’re nothing you haven’t heard before. Not like you’d asked to be born to your parents, so shit like this usually rolled off your back.

Now, though—

Your face must fall, just a little, because Seokjin immediately looks remorseful. Moves to say something, but you’re retrieving his clipboard and intake paperwork before he can stutter out an apology. “Thanks. They’ll call you back shortly.”

“Hey, I—“

“You can take a seat over there,” you interject, eyes locked on your computer screen. If you tear up, you can just blame it on eye strain.

You don’t see Seokjin for another two weeks.

And that’s… fine. His absence has given you some time to digest, some time to mull things over, decide if you’re actually upset or if you’d gone temporarily insane. It’d taken ten days, but you came to the conclusion that it’d just been a fleeting moment of sensitivity. People are mean to you all the time in the ER; if you took each insult or attack on your character to heart, you’d be in for a world of hurt.

So, yeah. You’d had a rough day and Seokjin saying you were a good-for-nothing nepot stung a little. That’s it.

Because you’ve got more pressing matters to attend to. You’ve managed to piss away an entire month without securing a date to the wedding, and now you’ve got time breathing down your neck. Two months, your mother’s shrill voice shrieks in your head, and it devolves into weeks and days and hours the longer you let yourself spiral. It’d seemed like so long before: you’d been so certain you’d have a date by the end of day one, and then the universe had to go and humble you. Cruel.

But the universe is also fair, because one day it’s been two weeks since you’ve seen Seokjin, and the next it’s a painfully slow Thursday afternoon and he strolls in with splinted fingers and a sheepish, weary expression.

“Uh, hi.”

You look up from your computer, taking in all the bruises and scars that dot his face but take nothing away from the beauty of it. “Sorry, exorcism hours ended at noon.”

Seokjin swallows, nostrils flaring. He looks like he wants to argue, just because he’s him and you’re you, but he acquiesces with a little nod. “Fair. I deserved that.”

“Here for the usual?” you ask, tone dry and neutral. When Seokjin doesn’t answer, you grab a clipboard and start your usual spiel—name, address, insurance information, reason for treatment—and then there’s a choked-off sound, not unlike a cat dying.

He looks pained when you dare a glance. Face contorted into a grimace, just like all the parents who bring in their constipated babies. “No, no,” he says. Sucks in a deep breath, and you nearly roll your eyes in exasperation. This guy’s acting like he’s about to give a speech at the goddamn United Nations. “I’m here to… apologize?”

You blink. “Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Telling you?” A pause. “Yeah, definitely telling you.”

“Okay.” Another pause. Seokjin fidgets, shifts his weight from one leg to the other, wipes probably-sweaty palms on his jeans, picks up every pen in the cup and drops it back in. “Well, the floor is yours.” More silence. His face seems to shift into reluctant acceptance. “Any day now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

“I was having a bad day and I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Okay.”

“I still think you’re really mean—”

“Sure, that’s fair.”

“—but I’d like to make it up to you. I think.”

“You sure are thinking a lot. Wanna give those brain cells a break?”

“Fuck you,” he replies automatically. “Here I am, trying to be nice—”

An idea strikes you then. Parts the hazy recesses of your mind like the Red Sea, and it feels like you’ve been struck by lightning. “How were you planning on making it up to me?”

Because he’s not wholly an idiot, Seokjin sends you a pointed look. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

You’re sure your smile looks straight out of a Creepypasta, but there’s an opportunity here, and you’d be a fool to let it slip through your fingers. “Because I just so happen to need a favor, and here you are, ready to dish one out.”

“I never said it was a favor.”

You pout. “But Seokjin,” you whine, “you were so mean.”

One of his eyes twitches. “Why does this feel like a crossroads deal?”

“I think the Grinch felt similar. Right before his heart grew three sizes and he saved Christmas.”

He doesn’t respond right away, and you can almost see the scales tipping in his brain, weighing whether or not it’s a good idea to entertain you at all. Which is impressive, all things considered, because he doesn’t even know what you’ll ask for yet. He could be expecting something humiliating at his expense, or a monetary bribe—you’re pretty certain asking for a date will catch him fully off-guard.

“What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing big,” you reply easily. Twirl your hair around your finger. Bat your eyelashes. “Just a little date.”

Seokjin sputters. “A what.”

“A date,” you repeat. “I just so happen to need a date to my brother’s wedding, and you just so happen to be overcome with guilt. It’s a win-win.”

“We don’t even like each other!”

You click your tongue. “Even better, because I don’t like my brother, either!”

“So this is… what? A game? Some kind of petty revenge? Bring the guy who looks like me to your brother’s wedding to rebel against your parents?”

“Yes, absolutely,” you answer, not even bothering to sugarcoat it. Seokjin doesn’t seem convinced. You sigh. “Look, you can say no. Or I can throw in something extra if it feels unfair—”

“Like what?”

You shrug. “I don’t know, I haven’t had time to prepare a fucking offer sheet, Seokjin. What do you want?”

“Depends. What’s this all entail? Is it a one-time thing or do I have to pretend to be your boyfriend?”

You choke. “My boyf—” But then it hits you: your brother will hate this. Your parents will hate it even more. Without even needing to ask, it’s clear Seokjin isn’t from your world, and if they’re ready to disinherit you for showing up to your brother’s wedding alone, might as well commit to the bit. So you clear your throat and smile again. “And if I say yes?”

“It’ll cost more,” Seokjin deadpans.

You nod, feeling a little like you’re swindling this poor man. “Add it to my tab, boyfriend.”

[THE MEETING]

Finding a date was supposed to be the hard part. Turns out, it’s only the beginning.

Your parents are thrilled and a little stunned when you tell them you’ve secured a plus-one. (So is your brother, but you have better luck with him listening when you tell him to fuck off. It’s a little hard to say the same to your mother and father when they’re dangling a trust fund in front of you like a carrot.) And, in true upper echelon form, they grill you. For hours. Family name, family business, how you met, what their intentions are, blah blah blah. You feel a migraine coming on somewhere around question two.

Eventually, your mother says, “I don’t know about this,” and your father grunts in agreement. You don’t think he’s used full words in years. Not with you.

“What’s there to know?” you whine, nearly rolling your eyes. “I’m not marrying the guy. It’s just a date.”

Your mother flutters around the kitchen, pointedly not looking at you. It’s weird seeing her like this: almost like a real mother, almost like she’s going to say something comforting and serve you a plate of freshly-baked cookies instead of huffing and puffing at everything you say and treating you like a pariah. “Do you even know this young man?”

“Of course I know him.”

“Do I need to remind you that it’s bad etiquette to bring a first date to a wedding?”

There’s a pang of annoyance that you have to tamper down. “It’s not a first date.”

“Oh? You’ve been seeing him regularly?”

This time you do roll your eyes. “Sure, Mom.”

“Don’t roll your eyes at your mother,” your father says, not bothering to lower the newspaper in front of him.

“How did you—”

“Is this young man your boyfriend?”

You think about what Seokjin had said: It’ll cost more. Not, you couldn’t pay me eight billion dollars to pretend to date you. Not, no thanks I’d rather die. Just, it’ll cost more. So, as you sit in this opulent kitchen with your parents and some ungodly amount of Italian marble, you think there’s nothing you wouldn’t pay to make these people miserable. These people, who never saw you beyond a status symbol. That traditional nuclear family tucked behind the white picket fence. Two kids. Golden retriever. Pool boy. Family vacations to five-star resorts, only your parents smiling in the pictures before they abandoned you and your brother with the nanny.

So, no, Seokjin isn’t your boyfriend. Not really. But he’s willing to play the part and that’s good enough. “Yeah,” you answer, and one simple word stops your mother in her tracks and gets your father to finally abandon his stupid newspaper, and just this little bit of power feels nice.

“Oh,” comes your mother’s reply. She shares a look with your father.

Because the patriarchy is alive and well and he loves to play the arbiter, he says, “I think we should meet him.”

And, because you’re not an idiot, you say, “Don’t forget the rule was that I had to find a date, not that you had to approve them.”

With a huff, your father disappears again behind his newspaper.

You: i need another favor

Rapid Onset Migraine: how much

You: shouldn’t my boyfriend want to do nice things for me out of the kindness of his own heart

Rapid Onset Migraine: no

(“Shouldn’t you have him saved under his actual name? Maybe a little heart emoji?” Hoseok asks, looking over your shoulder. “Unless he has a degradation kink, I don’t think anyone’s going to buy that someone named Rapid Onset Migraine is actually your boyfriend.”

“Shut up, Hobi. It’s one of those things that are violently affectionate and ironically cute.” A pause. Then—“Do you think Thunderclap Headache is better?”

“No. No, I definitely do not.”)

You: you don’t even know what the favor is

Rapid Onset Migraine: don’t care

You: fine

You: i would like to formally demand your presence at dinner with my parents this thursday at 7

Rapid Onset Migraine: i’m busy

You: i will literally venmo you rn to cancel your plans

Rapid Onset Migraine: i’m suddenly free. @jin-k92

Rapid Onset Migraine: five hundred dollars please

You: fuck off

You: $50. final offer. take it or leave it

Rapid Onset Migraine: leave it

You: sent. see you thursday!

It’s Tuesday night and you’re fresh off your shift, headed to your car, looking forward to doing nothing but absorbing into your couch and maybe using that new bath bomb, when someone on a skateboard crashes into you.

You’re on your ass before you can process, stunned, staring up at the fluorescent lights of the parking lot. A familiar face enters your line of sight, not looking all that apologetic. “Whoops.”

You groan. “Worst boyfriend ever,” you retort, sticking your hand in the air. “At least help me up.”

There’s absolutely no grace in the way Seokjin hauls you to your feet. Doesn’t bother to steady you when you bobble, either, and you have half a mind to give him the finger. Instead, you say, “Are you stalking me?” and delight in the split-second of panic that overtakes his features.

“No,” he eventually says, expression right back to neutral. “You’ve already agreed to date me. Why would I need to stalk you?”

“There’s at least seventeen different problems with that statement and I’m not going to touch any of them.” You take a second to look him over: no obvious injuries, still obnoxiously attractive. Hair a little longer than usual, rogue strands hanging loose and framing his face. No one should be allowed to look like this. He really, really gets on your nerves. “Why are you here, though? You look fine.”

“I am fine—”

“Uninjured,” you clarify, which earns you a scoff.

“I’m that, too,” he snarks, “but I came to find you to figure out the game plan.”

“Why didn’t you just text me?”

“I was already in the area,” he lies.

“Uh-huh.”

“And I thought I could con you into buying me dinner.”

“What’d you do with the fifty bucks I sent you the other day?”

Seokjin looks at you like you’re dumb. You’re really starting to wonder if you are. “I spent it.”

“On what?”

“Are you my accountant now?” he huffs.

“No, but you’re not my sugar baby, either. Buy your own dinner.”

He bats his lashes at you. “But honey…”

“Fuck off, Seokjin,” you say, stomping towards your car. Unsurprisingly, he’s right behind you, the wheels of his skateboard noisy as they glide along the concrete. “This is why you’re always needing stitches?” you ask, knowing he’s close enough to hear.

“Yep.” A louder noise; probably some kind of trick. You’re not going to dignify him by watching and being impressed.

During your second semester of college, Hoseok had gotten you into this horrible habit of parking far away. So you get your steps in, had been his reasoning, and it’s hard to say whether you’d given in to the 10,000 steps per day hysteria or just Hoseok’s convincing, evil little smile, but you still do it. And you’re really regretting it now, when you have to traipse through a half-mile of parking lot with the world’s most annoying person on your heels.

“Are you gonna take me to dinner, though?”

That’s how you wind up sitting across from him at a diner.

His cheeseburger is demolished in record time. Fries are halfway gone, too, by the time he asks what the plan is and seems genuinely shocked when you say there isn’t one.

“What do you mean there’s no plan?”

“There’s no plan,” you repeat, dipping your own fry into his ketchup just so he has to swat your hand away. “I mean, dinner is at seven, but that’s it.”

Seokjin looks confused, like you’ve tilted his world on its axis. “There’s gotta be a plan,” he argues. “There’s always a plan with you trust fund kids.”

Another dig, and you can tell by the way he avoids your gaze once he makes it. “There’s really no plan,” you say, ignoring the quip. There’s a reason you’ve got a fake boyfriend, and it’s not because your parents are benevolent and easy-going. “I don’t care what you tell my parents.”

“Now I know for sure you’re setting me up.”

You shrug. “Believe whatever you want.”

Seokjin studies you, clearly still unconvinced. “You’re telling me,” he begins, sticking the straw of his root beer float in his mouth, “that I can just walk in there and sabotage you? That I have carte blanche? That I can tell them you literally paid me to be there?” You shrug. There’s a disgusting slurping sound. You grimace.

“Well, I’m hoping you won’t, but I certainly can’t stop you.”

“You’re terrible at fake dating.”

A sigh escapes you before you can stop it. You don’t want to delve into twenty-plus years of parental trauma, especially not with this guy, but sometimes it can’t be helped. “Look, I don’t want to go to my brother’s wedding. I don’t like him, and I don’t like my parents. No one else wanted to fake date me”—you hold up your hand to kill the obvious comment before he makes it—“and, honestly, my parents are gonna hate you and that’s the entire reason I asked for your help. So, no, I don’t care what you tell them, because I don’t care if they approve. I’m sick of them making me jump through hoops just to be their kid.”

Unfazed, Seokjin breezily replies, “You obviously care enough to keep taking their money.”

“I consider my trust fund to be reparations.”

“That why you were so touchy about that nepotism comment?”

Nodding, you fidget with the hem of your scrub top, hands suddenly sweaty. “Well, it doesn’t feel great to have my accomplishments credited to my last name or whatever, but it’s not something I can stop anyone from assuming.”

“Are they?”

“It’d be naive to think they aren’t.”

“You got into med school, though,” Seokjin says, and you tamper down the flush that’s creeping in. You are not going to care about any man’s acknowledgement. “That’s not an easy thing to do.”

“Can you tell my parents that?”

A laugh bellows out of him, and you’re horrified to learn it’s a terrible sound. Everyone in the diner turns to stare, and you’re flushed crimson and trying to duck under the table.

Still, you can’t help but smile. Your parents really are going to have a stroke.

To your delight, Seokjin is good at getting people to hate him. Like, really good—almost scarily so.

He’d shown up twenty minutes late, having ignored the dress code entirely, clad in a pair of ripped black jeans and a plain black t-shirt, arm tattoos and innumerable scars proudly on display. He hadn’t bothered to shake your father’s hand or introduce himself to your mother, just fell into the seat next to you, stage-whispered a, this place is a shithole huh, and stuck his nose in a menu. When the waiter came by, he ordered a bottle of wine older than the two of you combined and the most expensive entree on the menu.

Now, an hour in, your parents are teetering on the edge of a major cardiac event.

“So, Seokjin,” your father says, voice gritty and forced, “what do you do?”

Seokjin shoves a large piece of meat in his mouth, making sure to smack his lips. “What d’you mean?” he asks, the question garbled around the food.

“For a living.”

Scarily good, you think. Seokjin pretends to choke, pretends to look shocked and appalled. “I don’t work,” he answers, tone bang-on to the one your parents use when they’re being condescending. “My parents give me money, and I figured I’d date this one”—he flicks you in the temple—“until she becomes a doctor and can support me. Then we’ll get married.”

Your mother gasps. Your smile is involuntary.

Your father, on the other hand, knocks over his wine glass. Spills it all over the table, goes red in the face, and it’s the most distressed you’ve ever seen him, usually composed to a fault, immovable. “You’ll do no such thi—”

Seokjin fakes a yawn. “You ready, babe?” He doesn’t bother waiting for a response, just stands, tosses his napkin on the table, and grabs your hand. The two of you are out of the restaurant before either of your parents can utter a word.

Feels like one of those movie moments, you think: the cool breeze in your hair, against your flushed cheeks, your hand in Seokjin’s, both of you not daring to breathe or make a sound until you’re safe outside, away from your parents and their gobsmacked expressions. And then you crack, just enough for laughter to spill out, and Seokjin snorts, another horrible sound, and before you know it, the two of you are collapsed against the side of the restaurant, tears in your eyes as the brick scrapes against your skin.

Maybe something shifts. Maybe the smile Seokjin sends you is genuine.

[THE RELATIONSHIP]

Much to your horror, fake relationships aren’t all that different from normal, authentic ones.

Which means two things: one, that your brother and his wife-to-be both received an earful from your parents about Seokjin and The Dinner, and two, you still have to compromise.

The first one wasn’t so bad. Your brother had called you and issued a vague threat, of course, because he’s never had a sense of humor about anything, but you hadn’t answered so it’d been easy to delete the voicemail and forget about it. And, luckily for him, your future sister-in-law was far more lax. Bring him, she’d texted. He sounds like a good time.

You’re not sure you’d describe Kim Seokjin as a good time, but you replied with a thumbs-up emoji regardless.

All of that had been fine. You’re well-versed in dealing with your family by now, so it’s easy to let their bullshit wash over you and down the drain like rainwater.

No, it’s the fake but has to look at least semi-real relationship that’s proving to be difficult.

Because you don’t like to compromise. You want to do what you want to do when you want to do it, and you don’t want to hear about it from anyone. But here you are, doing a quasi-photoshoot with Seokjin so he can “soft launch” you on his Instagram—which, honestly, is a little daunting. He has a lot of followers. Not surprising, considering the way he looks, but the thought of being perceived by hundreds of thousands of strangers makes you feel like you’re wearing your skin inside-out.

“Can you try looking less constipated?” he asks, tone dry as toast as he scrolls through the series of selfies the two of you just took.

You scoff. “First of all, I don’t look constipated.” Really, you don’t. “Second of all, why do you even need to do this? We only have to convince my parents, and you pissed them off so bad I’m not sure they’ll ever ask me to bring a date to anything ever again.”

“Because I have a competition next weekend that you’ll have to go to, and I don’t want anyone asking any questions.”

“What if I’m busy?”

“You’re not,” Seokjin retorts, all conviction. “If I had to clear my schedule for that dinner, you’re free for this.”

“What if I have a school thing?”

Seokjin raises an eyebrow. He’s looking at you, and you’re looking at him through his phone camera. It’s really not fair, the way his face is. “Do you?”

“No, but what if?”

He takes another picture and cackles, gleefully showing it to you. “See? You definitely look constipated.”

With a glare, you wrestle the phone out of his hand and aim it the way you want—the way you know looks good. And maybe you do a little pout, too; do that thing with your eyes that looks seductive and a little dirty. Not because you care about what Seokjin’s followers think, because you’re hot and you know it, but because you want him to suffer. Just a little bit. It’s illogical, the way you want him to look at this picture and feel… something. Half pride, half longing.

So, you angle and pout. Delight in the caught-out expression on Seokjin’s face this time, like it’s the first time he’s learning that you’re hot and that it troubles him a little. “Is that better?” you ask, sugar-sweet.

Seokjin doesn’t respond, just posts the picture to his Instagram story.

Skateboarding has never been your thing.

Your brother had gone through a phase, once. Spent all his allowance on the video games and collected CCS catalogs, spending imaginary money as he’d thumb through the pages and circle everything he wanted. Never bought a real board, though—just developed a superiority complex because he listened to the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 soundtrack one too many times and thought it was a legitimate substitute for actual pre-teen rebellion.

However, fake-dating Seokjin means you’re getting a crash course.

“What do these do?” you ask, holding up a set of wheels. There’s an alien holding a bong on them. They make you laugh.

Seokjin eyes you from across the shop and pointedly ignores your question. Instead, the disgruntled guy behind the register answers. “They’re wheels,” he says, tone clipped, which you answer with a surprised noise, like you’ve discovered something new.

“Wow, wheels,” you intone. “Cool.”

Done picking out new grip tape, or whatever the hell he’d said, Seokjin plucks the wheels from your hand and puts them back where you’d gotten them. “Fascinating invention, huh?”

The man behind the register smells like weed. Reeks of it, actually, and the stench is almost overbearing as you sidle up next to Seokjin at the counter. Yoongi, his name tag reads. You don’t think he looks like a Yoongi, because it kind of lends itself to a stoner character, but it also sounds kind of sweet, and the man in front of you looks like he could snap you like a twig and enjoy it.

Then—“Oh, you’re Instagram girl.”

You scowl. “I’m who.”

First, you’re reduced to nepotism and your family name; now it’s Instagram. There’s a huff halfway out of your mouth when Seokjin wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you against his side. You think he’d press a kiss to your temple if this was real. “My beautiful girlfriend,” he says, playfully hip-checking you.

Yoongi looks between the two of you, then pushes the tape back in Seokjin’s direction. “You know you don’t have to pay for this shit, man.”

“Sure, but I can. I have a rich girlfriend now.”

He yelps when you step on his foot with the heel of your boot. “Aren’t you so lucky,” you grit out.

You don’t see the way his gaze softens, but Yoongi sure does.

Anticipation crackles in the air.

Feels like the day you’d sat for the MCAT—that brand of nervous, determined focus, bordering on excitement. Something that will really only go one of two ways with a million variables, and it’s a small relief to not be the one in the hot seat.

Hoseok had been there last time. Now, a man that’s seemingly all limbs plops down beside you, ungraceful and awkward.

“You’re Instagram girl,” he says, before sticking his hand out. “Hi, I’m Namjoon.”

Seems like Seokjin’s idea of a soft launch is anything but. Briefly, you wonder how many more people are going to forego your identity entirely in the name of Instagram, but it’s kind of nice, too—nice to be someone other than your parents’ daughter, your brother’s sister, your family name. There’s a long way to go before the patriarchy is smashed entirely, because it’s not so nice to be newly reduced to Seokjin’s girlfriend, but baby steps.

For now, it’s all right.

For now, there are far worse things you could be.

“Hi, Namjoon,” you finally reply, because he seems out of place and nice enough—nicer than Yoongi, at least. Definitely far less gruff and abrasive.

He chokes a little, like he’s surprised you responded to him. Not for the first time, it’s just sort of par for the course when you are who you are. “Oh, sorry,” he says, cheeks flushing under the guise of the relentless afternoon sun. “I just—recognized you? And couldn’t help myself? Which probably sounds really creepy, which was not my intent, it’s just—Jin doesn’t bring anyone to these things. Like, ever. So it was a little shocking! Kind of like meeting a celebrity? Even though I’ve never really done that, either. Oh! I met Greta Thunberg once. That was cool. It was, like, on accident, though? So…”

On and on he goes, bless him, because he just talks endlessly without expecting a response. You look around: the bleachers are starting to fill up, awestruck kids with humored parents, and you wonder what that’s like. To have an interest in something and have it nurtured, instead of having to live up to expectations you never wanted. Maybe you would’ve been a skateboarder, too. Maybe you would’ve shucked all those societal norms and did something you wanted, even though it doesn’t really matter now.

“Hey,” you say, stopping Namjoon’s latest spiel in its tracks, “do you come to these things often?”

Namjoon lights up like Christmas. People must not ask him about himself much. “Yeah! Well, sometimes? I’m in grad school, so I come when I have time. I thought it’d be a good idea to get two master’s degrees, so I finished my first one—in philosophy, before you ask, which was pretty stupid, because what am I gonna do with that, you know? But I guess it worked, because I had a full-blown existential crisis and decided to get a second one to put off the inevitable second existential crisis over what I was going to do with my life—”

“What was that one in?”

Namjoon startles again, and it’s almost hopelessly endearing. “Huh? Oh, Botany and Plant Pathology.”

You blink. “Plant pathology?”

“Yeah! It’s really interesting, because everything’s connected, right? Like, you can’t really fight climate change and food insecurity if you have all these diseased crops and forests, and I leaned pretty heavily into biological philosophy for my first degree, especially environmental ethics and conservation—”

“...And you come to skateboarding competitions for fun?”

His ears turn red; his cheeks and neck follow shortly thereafter. “I like physics, and skateboarding has a lot of physics.”

Just your luck. “Can you explain to me what’s going on, then?”

Namjoon does as you ask, and takes his job very seriously. He explains the rules and the implications, the rankings and what they mean for the future, who’s who and the major players. He explains tricks as they happen—how they got their names, who did them first, notable events. You remember your brother screaming at the TV the night Tony Hawk landed the 900 at the X Games, and Namjoon’s smile is so bright when you tell him about it.

“Yeah, that’s—that was so fucking cool, man. You know he was 31 when he did that? I think about that sometimes. There’s all this emphasis on aging, this juvenile notion that life peaks in your twenties, that you need to have it all figured out before you’re thirty: the job, the marriage, the house with the white picket fence, and it’s bullshit. I know it’s bullshit, but sometimes I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at my age, and I just think: Tony Hawk landed the first 900 when he was 31 years old, and now 10 year olds are doing it. That’s fucking dope.”

He’s off on another tangent almost immediately, telling you about how he’d met Seokjin and how they became friends. You hear none of it. Seokjin comes in second place. You don’t remember much of the celebration, either.

You can’t shake the feeling that you’ve been dunked in ice-cold water. Feels a bit like drowning.

You’re good at compartmentalizing.

You have to be, growing up in the family you did. Because Namjoon’s words had rattled you, sure, but you can’t linger on them. Lectures still need to be attended, hospital shifts still need to be worked, and it’d really hurt Hoseok’s feelings if you bailed on your study sessions, so you have to tuck away all those wayward thoughts for later.

Not until you’re alone, tucked into bed far too early for someone in their mid-20s, do you think about it.

Well, it’s less ‘thinking’ and more ‘ah, these are the existential crises Namjoon was talking about.’ Certainly not your first crisis, and it won’t be your last, but it’s still… unnerving. Being a doctor was something you’d always been rock-solid about. You hadn’t wanted to go into business like your father and brother, had no interest in kissing ass in the political sphere and wielding influence like your mother, but you’d been told all your life you had to do something. Something important, something impressive, something worth bragging about—because what were you worth if your parents couldn’t talk endlessly at fundraisers about how much better you were than everyone else?

You glance at the clock: almost two a.m. There’s only one person that’ll be awake at this hour, even though you shouldn’t. Seokjin has one job, and it isn’t talking you off the proverbial ledge in the middle of the night. Still—

You: you up?

Rapid Onset Migraine: this is happening a little fast don’t you think?

You: ??? huh

You: wait no

You: that’s NOT what i meant

Rapid Onset Migraine: yeah sure

Rapid Onset Migraine: well obviously i’m awake

Rapid Onset Migraine: you ok?

You: yeah, i’m sorry to bother you about this

You: i think i’m just having a bad time?

That’s that, you think, because minutes pass without a response. But then your phone’s vibrating, lighting up in your hand. Rapid Onset Migraine flashes across the screen, his contact photo set to a meme of Handsome Squidward just because you’d thought it was funny.

“Hello?”

“Sorry,” he says immediately, “I needed to make a pot of coffee before I had this conversation.”

You hum. The comment doesn’t sting. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drink coffee.”

“I don’t,” Seokjin answers. “Well, not usually. Only if I have an early flight or something.”

“Or need to talk through your fake girlfriend’s two a.m. existential crisis?”

“Yeah.” Seokjin laughs, and it’s almost enough of a balm. “But I’m friends with Namjoon, so I’m an expert in those by now. I keep weird hours, anyway, you know? I’m either skating or gaming, so he used to call me at, like, four in the morning because he’d read too much Kierkegaard or Beauvoir and was spiraling.” You hear him take a sip of coffee. He starts sputtering immediately. “Shit, that’s hot. Fuck, I think I burnt my tongue off.”

“Luckily you know a doctor.”

“I do,” he says, and his tone is warm. Almost proud? “Anyway, what’s going on? You read Being and Nothingness, too, or what?”

For a moment, you’re just quiet, trying to think of the words to say. You’re well aware of your privilege, make a conscious effort to not throw it around the way others might, so there’s a lot of guilt that comes with something like this. You know what people probably think: poor little rich girl, with her family money and their connections, it must be so hard to be her. It’s not, and you’re fine, but��

“Did you always want to skate professionally?” you ask, because you figure it’s safe. Doesn’t give it all away, even though Seokjin’s smart enough to read between the lines.

And, to your surprise, he plays along. Doesn’t call you out or press on the bruise, just says, “Hm, no, not really.”

“No?” you repeat, incredulous. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” he confirms. “This is really embarrassing, but I wanted to get into software engineering or coding. Whatever would let me make video games.”

“Why would that be embarrassing?”

“Because it’s me?” Seokjin forces a laugh, pure self-deprecation. “That’s the kind of stuff people like Namjoon do. And that’s—it’s fine. I’m good at skateboarding and I get paid to do it. That’s the kind of thing kids dream about, right? Getting paid to travel around and skateboard all day?” He sighs, and it’s broken in a way that’s unsettling and familiar. A sound that could be coming from your own lips. “Don’t get me wrong, I love it and I’m thankful I get to do this as a job, it’s just not what I thought I’d be doing with my life.”

A brief silence, and then Seokjin’s talking again before you can reply, which you’re glad for. Everything feels off-center. “Is that what’s going on? School stress?”

“Maybe,” you admit, still a little breathless. “I’m just… struggling? I think? With knowing what’s actual desire and what’s just expectation.”

“Ah, I see. I don’t think I can really help with that beyond empathizing, but I’m sorry you’re going through it.” Then, like he’s telling you a secret, “If it helps at all, I think it takes a lot of courage to do this kind of introspection. It’s not easy, especially when you’re likely to find things you don’t want to.”

You can’t help but snort, but it’s gentle. Quiet, though still loud in the stillness of your bedroom. “Thanks,” you eventually reply. “Surprisingly comforting.”

“Yah, I’ll have you know I’m a very comforting person!”

“Of course you are.”

“Besides,” he says, and his tone takes on such conviction you’re sure you’ll believe whatever comes out of his mouth next with no hesitation, “it’s fine if you decide this isn’t what you wanna do. It’s never too late, or whatever, but for what it’s worth, I think you’re going to be a great doctor.”

“Or whatever,” you echo, smile creeping up on you. “That makes it sound so easy.”

“I guess it is.”

What’s it like to live like that, you wonder. Completely devoid of expectations, just going with the flow, doing what you want without crippling fear of the consequences. Must be nice, is your conclusion. Life doesn’t work like that for you, and you’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with that, so it’s fine. You’re on a path and maybe it’s not what you would’ve chosen had you had time to look at all the possibilities, but you’re on a path and it’s yours.

You want to say this to Seokjin. You want to thank him, both for the pep talk and the unfounded confidence, but your eyelids feel heavy and he’s just babbling now, something about the first time he landed a tre flip, and it’s soothing. Comforting.

Sleep takes you before you can think about it too hard—think about how Seokjin used to be nothing but a menace, the worst part of your day, and now he’s not.

You’re on another night shift, third in a row, and you’re the kind of exhausted that has you smelling colors.

Nothing makes sense. Your bones hurt. When you think about going home and finally going to bed it feels like when you’re starving and wait too long to eat and don’t feel hungry anymore. Then you finally do and it’s not satisfying, kind of makes your stomach hurt, and the cycle repeats.

Seokjin texts you to check in. After your two a.m. convo, you’re hyperaware of how much time you spend venting, so you assure him you’re fine. He drops off a coffee and some snacks, anyway. Just because he’s already up.

—

There are other hangouts. You don’t call them dates, because that word has implications and meaning and this is fake, but you have them nonetheless.

Overindulgent takeaway, equally expensive alcohol that has sat unopened in your apartment for far too long, shitty movies playing in the background, and Seokjin’s inability to stop talking. He sneakily lobs popcorn at you when he thinks you aren’t looking. This prompts an all-out war, and you both have tears streaming down your faces by the time Seokjin calls a truce.

Just days later, you spread out a gingham blanket in the park. Seokjin makes up bullshit constellations, gives them horrific names and backstories, and revels in the sound of your infectious laughter. When your head feels too heavy to hold up, you lay back in the grass and try to keep your heart in your chest when Seokjin does the same, slender fingers searching out yours in the dark.

You want so badly to kiss him. Want to crash your mouths together and kiss him breathless, but you don’t.

On your third hangout, you cover each other in silly temporary tattoos and take too many selfies. Seokjin snorts at how dumb he looks in the filters and asks you to send him some, immediately setting a particularly couple-y shot as your contact photo.

And if you get butterflies when he posts one to his Instagram story? Well, that’s your business.

—

Seokjin gets the dumb idea that he’s going to teach you to skate.

Which is not only dumb because it’s impossible, but because you’re sure your skeletal system is probably insured for millions of dollars, knowing your parents. You can’t do any of your clinical rotations with broken bones—instant dismissal—and Seokjin knows this, but he’s annoyingly persistent and assures you you’ll be fine, so you relent because you trust him, despite all odds.

Physically, you are fine. Seokjin holds onto your waist and doesn’t let you fall, which is about all you can ask for when it comes to unwanted skateboarding lessons. Emotionally, though? Not so much. You’ve been close to Seokjin before. Enough to feel his body heat; enough to get goosebumps; enough to nearly become delirious with your want to taste him.

Normally that’s fine. But now, as he uses one hand to hold your waist and the other to hold your own hand, you can’t think of a single logical explanation for depriving yourself of more of this. Because he’s steady and warm, and sometimes you teeter and he grips tighter, causing your mind to wander and think about things it shouldn’t. You’re only human, and Seokjin is an otherworldly brand of handsome, so you don’t beat yourself up over it.

Still. It ignites something, that’s for sure, and if it’s anything like Seokjin himself, it won’t be easy to extinguish.

—

It’s by complete accident that you meet Jeongguk.

Well, that’s not entirely accurate. You’ve met him before, at some bougie function your parents dragged you to, but it was brief and forced and awkward. Jeongguk was weird back then. Still is, probably, judging from his entire… presence, now.

He’s dangling upside down from a tree branch when you meet him for the second time.

“Oh. Jeongguk. Hi?”

“Hi!” he says, smile brighter than the sun, and before you can ask him why he’s upside down in a tree there’s a massive camera in front of his face. “Are you here to see Jin?”

Here is a public sidewalk, but you don’t say that. Instead, you say, “I’m on my way home. Why are you in a tree?”

His response is nonverbal, just a finger point dead ahead of you. Some Brutalist architecture leftover from the ‘50s—a large set of stairs, public fountain, weird art sculpture, a small crowd. Doesn’t take long to learn what they’re there for: Seokjin grinds down the rail, lands perfectly, nearly skates into the street and gets whacked by a car. Everyone cheers.

Ah, that explains the camera, too. You vaguely recall your mother telling you the youngest Jeon went to school for filmmaking. She hadn’t sounded impressed. You wonder what she’d think if she knew he was your delinquent, skateboarder, fake boyfriend’s videographer. Probably something aneurysm-inducing.

“He’s so cool,” Jeongguk says, whimsical and dreamy in a way that sounds like he has framed photos of Seokjin on his walls. Maybe his picture in a heart frame, like that one meme. “You’re so lucky.” There’s definitely some jealousy there.

You raise an eyebrow. “You wanna date him instead?”

Jeongguk seems to mull it over. Doesn’t move from his spot in the tree, either, and you reckon he’s got another sixty seconds before you forcefully turn him right side up. “Nah. He seems really happy with you.”

“We’re not—” Together, your brain finishes, but you can’t bring yourself to say it. So you cough, hope Jeongguk hasn’t caught it, and say, “Yeah, we’re not doing too bad,” instead.

—

“I think you’re too far gone, personally.”

You can’t help but roll your eyes. What does Hoseok know? Okay, he’s probably the smartest person you know, but that’s medicine. He hasn’t had a long-term partner in years, so yeah, what does Hoseok know.

“I am not,” you insist, because the majority of your time in this library has been spent defending the validity of your love life, not studying. “Hobi, look.” You sigh, snapping shut your notebook. A migraine is forming just thinking about the amount of reviewing you’re gonna have to do at home to make up for this. “Does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things? Life is fleeting and we’re all inconsequential, so I understand why you’re grilling me on this and not the MLE review book we paid for—”

He pulls a face. “It was fifty bucks! You’re acting like I’m out thousa—”

“Not the point!”

Hoseok squeezes his eyes shut. Pinches the bridge of his nose. Presses his fingers deep into his frontal sinus points. “I think it not being the point is the point, though? None of this was necessary. You could’ve just brought him to the wedding without having to pretend he’s your boyfriend.” You move to protest. He waves you off. “I know you wanted to get back at your parents. Your parents suck, so I get it, but don’t you think this is a little much?”

“How?”

Now it’s Hoseok’s turn to sigh. Put-upon, like he’s a beleaguered parent talking to a very idiotic child. “Uh, how about the fact that the two of you are going on actual dates, for one? And they’re definitely dates, so I don’t want to hear it. You took him to a Michelin star restaurant, quote-unquote, just because.”

“I was hungry!”

“Sure, okay, whatever you say.” He throws his hands up, clearly defeated, and it settles all wrong in your gut. Hoseok gets mad, sure, but never at you. Not even annoyed. “Have you given any thought at all, even considered just a teeny-tiny bit, that this might not be as fake as you think?”

“No,” you retort, petulant, because it is fake and you don’t need Hoseok to tell you that.

But Hoseok is smart, you know, so you were never going to get off easy. “I think you actually like him.”

“I know. You’ve said that a hundred times.”

“And I’ll say it a hundred and one, if I have to. Fuck, your head must be made of concrete.”

“Could be,” comes your breezy response. “Maybe that’s why my mother hates me.”

Hoseok chokes. Knocks his tea over and onto the MLE guide, which prompts a distressed shriek from him and a harsh shushing from the rest of the library.

So much for it only being fifty dollars.

—

Unbeknownst to you, Yoongi does leave his skate shop, which comes as a shock for a man who has severe cavedweller vibes.

“Hey, Instagram,” he says, smelling like actual cologne and laundry detergent instead of a dispensary as he stands behind you in line.

Yoongi is clearly talking to you. You know he’s talking to you, but you still pause, fragile like a deer caught in headlights, and look over your shoulder as if he could be talking to anyone else. “Uh. Hi?”

He squints. “You are Instagram girl, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I thought so, but you looked at me like I was the one who’s stupid so I wasn’t sure.”

Did he just call you stupid? “Did you just call me stupid?”

Yoongi shrugs. “What’s good here?” he asks, changing the subject. He definitely called you stupid.

“I—most things? I don’t know, I always just get a cold brew with oat milk.”

He grimaces. “Ew, gross. I’m gonna go grab a table. Grab me a medium iced americano.”

You order him a small, purely out of spite, and Yoongi doesn’t come to this coffee shop often enough to know the difference so he doesn’t even notice when you set it down in front of him. Takes all the satisfaction out of being petty. He must know. “Thanks,” he says, not looking up from his phone as he unwraps a straw and stabs his drink perfectly in the center.

“Sure. I’ll send you a Venmo request.”

“Oh, I don’t have Venmo.” He finally looks up. “Are you going to Jin’s thing?” All he receives in response is a blank stare. “The skate comp. Second qualifying round for the big championship event? Surely he’s told you about this.”

Let no man ever say you’re a bad liar. “Ah, yeah, of course! Med student brain. It’s all memorizing neural pathways and… stuff… and forgetting skate competitions.”

“Hm,” comes Yoongi’s response, and he quirks an eyebrow but doesn’t question you further.

(You bring it up to Seokjin later, expecting him to laugh it off, extend an invitation out of obligation. Instead, he laughs in a way that sounds fond. Says, “Yoongi beat me to it,” in a way that brings his scarlet red neck and ears to the forefront of your brain, and follows it up with, “I’d really love it if you came, but I understand how busy you must be right now,” that has your skin flushing all the same.

You’re loath to make promises, but sometimes they’re easy.)

Time is not on your side.

You barely make it to Seokjin’s second competition. Barely have your ass in the bleachers, hairline dotted with sweat and anxiety coursing through you, before he’s dropping into the bowl for his first run.

He’d mentioned it offhand. Told you it wasn’t a big deal if you couldn’t make it, because he knew how busy you were with school and that you needed to study because exam season was relentless, but he’d looked so relieved when you joked that it wasn’t so easy to get rid of you, that you’d be cheering him on from the first row. That being anywhere else just wasn’t an option.

And that had… taken you aback. Watching him skate is a good enough distraction for all those thoughts. You don’t have to dwell on the whys: why the thought of sitting in your apartment, nose stuck in a book instead of being here, had been so unconscionable. Instead, you’re able to focus on him, which is almost worse. Because the way he looks—wind pushing his hair back off his forehead as he skates around, calf muscles flexing every time he kicks, shirt fabric darkening under a light sheen of sweat, smiling at kids and the countless people he knows—is a little overwhelming. You’re winded for two reasons.

It’s a beautiful thing, watching someone do something they’re passionate about. Seokjin especially, but you’re biased. You want only good things for him.

His first run finishes. He chews on his bottom lip as the judges huddle together. Numbers flash on the scoreboard. Good—great, even. You know what the stakes are: score high enough and he’ll advance to the championship. More sponsors will fall in line. Someone will present him with one of those comically large checks that he’ll probably spend on god-knows-what at Yoongi’s shop.

More skaters follow. Highs and lows. Seokjin watches them all, enraptured, just as happy for their successes as his own. Someone bails out right next to him, arms out to break their fall, making a sound an arm should never make, and Seokjin’s there right away. He’s good.

Except the universe doesn’t always reward goodness. His second run starts off well: smooth as butter, impressively technical. Seokjin is fluid when he skates. Makes it look easy, like you could hop on a board and do it just as well. You watch him, but you almost like watching everyone else watch him more: the wide eyes, the whistles under their breath, the nods of approval. Seokjin’s got all of it, truly thrives on the admiration. He’s good, he’s good, he’s good.

You know it’s coming. That trick he’d told you about—the one he’s never been able to land during a competition. The one that’s gnawing away at him. He’s going to try it, and you’re holding your breath as he kickflips, grinds his board along the rail, does some kind of dismount that looks absurd and impossible to your untrained eye.

Then he’s on the ground.

He’s still for a second. Huffs in frustration. Back on his board before you can blink.

Seokjin’s not a child, but you know it stings. You’re overwhelmed by the urge to comfort him, the way he’s done for you countless times, but you shouldn’t so you don’t. The two of you don’t talk until after, and by then it might not matter.

It isn’t until he’s about to drop in for his final run that he scans the crowd. You want to believe the look on his face when he spots you is relief, but it’s painted over in a nanosecond. He smiles, smug but content, and then he’s shoving his helmet back on his head, clapping someone on the back, and he’s off.

Maybe the universe does reward goodness, because everything goes right this time.

Seokjin lines up to attempt the trick again, because if he’s going to go out it’s going to be on his terms. Completely unshakeable, the kind of attitude that gets plastered on those bullshit inspirational posters about falling down nine times and getting up ten, and you wonder, briefly, if it’s stupid. A good score would be enough to get him through, but he wants to do this.

And he does.

Everyone around you erupts as soon as the trick is landed. Seokjin calls the run early—just a handful of seconds left, anyway—and his fellow competitors are on him immediately. Someone picks him up in a bear hug and spins him around, and the joy on his face is so pure, so unbridled, that you almost cry.

But the wait is torturous. His second run had gone so poorly and those in the top spots had done so well that it’ll be close, even with a gazelle flip under his belt. Nothing is certain, and the way you can barely bring yourself to look at the scoreboard is proof enough. Seokjin is good, and you want only good things for him, and you can barely look at the scoreboard but you can’t look away, either—

The roar of the crowd is deafening.

A freeze-frame moment. All around you, there are fists in the air, shrill yells of Seokjin’s name, maybe a chant, nothing but chaos. You can hardly hear yourself think, but you can see just fine, and what you see is Seokjin’s gaze locked on yours. The corners of his mouth lifting into a smile. A flicker of hesitation before he’s gracefully shrugging everyone off of him and making his way over to you, and then it’s just reflex. Here, you know what to do.

You barely flinch when he grabs the back of your neck and pulls you in.

Everything is soft. Feels a bit like floating.

Seokjinnie: do you wanna come over later?

Seokjinnie: i can either cook or get takeout, your choice

The apartment is small and you love it because he kisses you at the door. Seokjin has lips you want to memorize, so you kiss him again as he pulls away. The two of you kiss for a long time: throughout the “tour,” which is just the large studio space and the bathroom, all over the kitchen as he finishes cooking, until he exaggeratedly pulls out your chair, until you have to shove food in your face to keep your mouth off of him.

Seokjin has the kind of lips that leave you questioning if it’s really this easy.

Because Hoseok had been right: this isn’t fake for you anymore. Hasn’t been for a while, if you’re being honest, and maybe before this would’ve been a realization that scared you, but this doesn’t. Not when it’s Seokjin. So, yeah, maybe it is easy.

“Wait,” he says, chest heaving, gently pulling away from you. “Before I—wait, I have to talk to you about something.”

You just smile, hands still grazing over warm skin. “I think I already know.”

He stills. Takes a few seconds to reboot his brain before he’s smiling, laughing in a way that almost sounds unhinged. “God, yeah. Yeah, me too. But it’s—not that.”

“What, then?”

Immediately it’s clear this is not going to go well. Seokjin sighs, tilts his head back against the arm of the couch. His neck is gorgeous, littered with marks from you, but you gear up for a fight nonetheless. “The competition,” he says, as if that’s enough explanation. “The final round got pushed up.”

Your stomach drops. You know what’s coming, but you still ask, “To when?” because you’re a little bit masochistic. Because maybe you’re itching for the fight. Itching to say see, I told you so, I knew this was never going to work, because it’s always been fake. Itching to hurt, because you want what’s familiar when you hurt.

“Saturday.”

The day of your brother’s wedding. “Of course.” You snort; the universe loves a good dose of irony.

He sighs again. Looks so genuinely distressed that you find it hard to truly be upset. “I’m sorry. I just found out today.”

“It’s fine,” comes your instantly reply, auto-generated. Some silly, naive part of you refuses to spiral, stubbornly convinced you can salvage this. You’d found a date. That was the rule. You’ve done exactly what your parents asked of you, and you think with a rueful smile that they’ll probably be relieved when you show up alone.

But Seokjin’s not convinced. There’s still turmoil painted across his face—some silly, naive part of him clinging to something stubborn, too. “I’m going to ask you to be there.”

Yet another freeze-frame moment. The part in video games where it’s clear you have a very important choice to make, neon signs practically blinding, saying you better choose right, better not fuck it up. But you’re going to. You’re going to say no, and it’s going to hurt Seokjin, and you have about ten seconds to come to peace with that.

“I can’t.”

To his credit, Seokjin doesn’t look surprised, and you think that might be more painful. He’d expected nothing from you and you still let him down, so his snort is sardonic and derisive when he says, “Of course you can’t.”

And your tone is defensive and disbelieving when you retort, “What’s that supposed to mean? What exactly do you expect me to do here?”

“Nothing,” he says. “I didn’t expect you to do anything, I’d foolishly hoped you’d say yes.”

Your jaw drops. Snaps shut when you swallow around the lump in your throat, because you’re not going to cry at not living up to another set of invisible expectations. “It’s my brother’s wedding, Seokjin. It’s not some small thing I can blow off.”

“Is that it?” he challenges, eyebrow quirked, expression bemused. “Or do you not want to lose your precious little trust fund?”

“Are you serious? Of course I don’t want to lose it, but I—”

“You don’t even like your brother,” he continues, giving you absolutely no reprieve. No chance to catch up, catch your breath. “You don’t even like your family, but I guess you like their money. Nothing was ever gonna be more important than that, huh?”

“That’s not fair, Seokjin.”

He hums; knows you’re right. Doesn’t try to get in anymore jabs, but he looks broken. “I don’t think this has been fake for either of us for a long time. It was stupid to think you’d go against your family on this, but I thought maybe, for me—”

“Again, that’s not fair.”

“I know it isn’t fair,” he shoots back. “I know that. I just…” He rubs his hands over his face. “I can’t skip this, and you’re not willing to skip yours, so I don’t—I don’t know what to do.”

“I can just go alone,” you say, because it seems simple. “I already did what they asked, so I can just go alone. It’s fine.”

“It’s not like that for me.”

You’re stunned into silence. “I don’t understand.”

“It’s irrational, but it’s… the principle. For me. I’m never going to match up, you know? I’m never going to be from your world. I can make all the money in the world doing what I do and I’ll still never come close. So I had this stupid thought in my head, like, if she comes then it’s real for her, too. It means something. If she’s there, we can figure it out.”

“And that’s the only way? It’s only real if I do this one thing? Doesn’t matter how we feel?” You laugh, exasperated, and you’re up and halfway to the door. “That’s bullshit, Seokjin. How am I supposed to live up to these expectations you’ve got of me if you never tell me what the fuck they are? You know, that’s—this is exactly what my family does, and you—you know that, what the fuck.”

“Hey, no—”

“I can’t belie—” Things go all glassy. Crystalline. You need to get out of here. “I shouldn’t have asked you to do this. I’m sorry.”

“Wait—”

You press harshly into your eyes. You’re not going to cry over this. “Good luck, Seokjin.”

[THE CHOICE]

Things come full circle during another two a.m. crisis.

You’d stared at the ceiling. Scrolled mindlessly through your phone. Ignored Seokjin’s texts and thought about texting Hobi but decided it wouldn’t be fair and instead went cross-eyed watching some questionable late night paid program. Tried to disregard the crippling weight on your chest. Couldn’t. Thought about what Namjoon might do, because he seems well-versed in these sorts of crises, and looked up Sartre quotes on the internet. Got as far as one and quit, both because it hit too close to home and because all you can think about is your last two a.m. crisis.

Seokjin’s voice had been so soft. It wouldn’t have that same tenderness if you called him now and that stings, knowing you had a good thing, something velvet, and you let it go.

And still you think about Namjoon, about the ethics of conservation: when to preserve and when to let die. Does preservation ensure survival, or does it stave off the inevitable? It all gives you a headache, because nothing is guaranteed but that doesn’t mean you don’t try.

Jimin goes to Milan. Taehyung posts a selfie looking sad and beautiful on some balcony in Paris. You don’t want to be like them, doing some perpetual song and dance. Resisting an obvious thing.

Your brother answers on the second ring.

“Hello?” Groggy and confused. A voice you’ve heard a million times that still feels indistinguishable from a stranger’s.

“I can’t come to your wedding.”

A moment of silence, both literally and for your trust fund. “Uh, okay.”

“I’m sorry,” you rush out, because it feels important to say even if you don’t necessarily feel sorry. “I, uh—I am sorry, because I like your fiancée and I know this is probably a huge inconvenience considering your wedding is in a few hours, but I can’t—”

There’s some rustling. You don’t think you’ve ever talked to your brother in the middle of the night before. “It’s really fine.” He yawns. “This couldn’t wait ‘til the morning, though?”

“Not really.”

“Alright. Why do you sound like you’re about to have a panic attack?”

A lightbulb moment: he doesn’t know. “I am. You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“That Mom and Dad threatened to cut me off if I didn’t show up at your wedding with a date.”

More silence. Then, slowly, the trickle of laughter. Just a quiet snort at first, and you’re a little confused, wonder if you should be laughing too, if he’s laughing at you, and then it compounds until he’s nearly in hysterics. “Oh my god.” He’s almost shrieking. “Holy shit. That’s why you brought that guy to dinner, isn’t it? The one they hated?” It’s the first time you’ve heard him sound like this.

“Yeah.”

“That’s fucking hilarious. Fair play.” You wonder why you’ve spent two-plus decades hating this man on the other end of the line. “Okay, then. Why can’t you make it?”

You talk until you’re hoarse: about the competition, the fake relationship that hasn’t been all that fake for weeks, about the trust fund and growing up under the weight of your family’s money and expectations and always coming in third behind societal ass-kissing and your brother. You’re not looking for an apology but you get one anyway. A heart-to-heart in a moment that’s not entirely built for one, because the sun is coming up and your brother is still getting married in a few hours even if you won’t be there to witness it.

“All right, I really gotta go, but listen: I’ll talk to them, okay? And I’m rooting for you. Maybe in a few weeks you and Seokjin can come over for dinner, if it all works out.”

“Yeah, sure.” You agree readily, and it’s nice to have someone that shares your name in your corner. “I’ll make sure he behaves.” Your smile drops, chest cracked in half. “If it works out.”

Your brother says goodnight and wishes you well. Hangs up, and the silence is deafening and consolatory. You think about the Sartre quote again: Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

Whatever happens, you think you’ll do just fine when it’s on your own terms.

Perhaps naively, you expected the day of your brother’s wedding—and subsequently Seokjin’s competition—to be gloomy. Of course, the weather is perfect. Mid-70s, light breeze, cloudless blue sky. When you’re wounded everything feels like an attack, so maybe before it would’ve felt like the universe was mocking you, saying look how beautiful and intact the world is when you’re falling apart, but you see something else.

You’d done a lot of thinking. Soul-searching and introspection and all those uncomfortable, vulnerable things you and Seokjin had talked about before, and you’ve made it to the other side, so a cloudless blue sky on a beautiful afternoon doesn’t feel like an attack. What you see is clarity being reflected back at you.

But it still takes a lot of courage. Instead of putting on a stunning, designer dress and painting on a smile to pacify your family and anyone else important enough to be granted entry, you’re pulling on normal clothes and normal shoes. It doesn’t matter if your hair and makeup are done. Everything feels wrong for a moment, like you’re forgetting something important, and you suppose that’s normal. This is arguably the biggest and most consequential decision you’ve made thus far in your life. No wonder you’re out of sorts.

Normally, this is where you’d compartmentalize. Tuck all that discomfort away for later: a problem for Future You. But that had been your go-to for years, and it did nothing but turn you into an emotionally constipated mess, so you’re done with that—trying to be done with that. Which is fine, because you don’t have a plan, not really, but sometimes it’s enough to simply show up, so that’s what you’re going to do.

Rejection is likely. You’re smart enough to know that, and you’re mature enough to accept it, if it comes down to it. But you don’t want Seokjin to feel rejected. Not again. That’s more important. So you’re going to show up, heart on your sleeve, and if he rejects you, fine, but you’re going to be there. And you’re going to cheer when he wins, even if your voice is drowned out.

Another packed event. It helps to feel anonymous when your sympathetic nervous system is working overtime like this. You’re trembling by the time you find a spot—a little out of the way, no room left on the bleachers. Seokjin probably won’t see you here, wouldn’t think to look, and it’s okay. You’re here for him but you’re here for yourself, too. Just to prove you can. Just to prove that you’re still human.

It all goes by in a blur. The skaters you don’t recognize, some you do. Scores that are both meaningful and meaningless until they aren’t. Seokjin’s name gets called and your stomach drops, but it’s okay. You see Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jeongguk, all nervous energy and bit fingernails and cautious smiles. They don’t see you, but it’s okay.

Two runs happen in a nanosecond. Seokjin holds steady in third. The guy sitting in first falls on his final run, and it’s best of three so you’re not breathing easy yet but your fingers start tingling with anticipation. The guy in second does well but nothing good enough to improve his score. Your phone’s blowing up in your pocket. Presumably your brother’s told your parents by now, and you can wait just a little longer to get cut off. What’s in front of you is more important, it is, and you know it when—

Call it divine intervention, but Seokjin looks up just as he’s about to drop into the bowl. Looks right at you, and the tingle spreads from your fingers all over. Another freeze-frame moment; the two of you are getting good at this.

He smiles. He wins.

Feels a bit like falling in love.

As always, thank you for reading! My inbox is always open if you’d like to leave feedback. I’d love to hear your thoughts! ❤

#btswritingcafe #thebtswritersclub #btshoneyhive #btscarnivalnet #bts imagines #bts scenarios #seokjin imagine #seokjin x reader #jin x reader #seokjin x you #jin x you #bts fanfiction #bts fic #seokjin fanfiction #jin fanfiction #seokjin fluff

426 notes · View notes

wakkossnackstash · 1 year

Photo

Redraw of a favorite moment in the OG Animaniacs show! Segment is Taming of the Screwy! (Also shoutout to @audi-art for helping me finish this piece and adding the subtitles at the end!)

#dot warner #dot #animaniacs 1993 #animaniacs #screenshot redraw #technically added more onto the shot bc the shot was originally more zoomed in #my art #it's been so long #it felt so good to make this

228 notes · View notes

galactic-glamour-girl-posts · 1 year

Text

In celebration of Animaniacs' 30th Anniversary...

I'm gonna list some of my favourite segments/episodes from the franchise and explain why they're my favourites! The segments/episodes will be listed in order of their debut in their respective series.

I'll start with my favourite episodes from the original Animaniacs:

Taming of the Screwy

I see this episode as the turning point of Warners' and Scratchy's relationship. Before they'd drive him crazy and he'd want nothing to do with them, but because of his job he's forced to deal with them. This episode was the start of Scratchansniff realizing that the Warners' aren't all bad, which eventually leads to them to getting along a bit better later on. The Warners still mess with Scratchy a lot because, as they say in this episode, it's their way of showing affection, but he genuinely tries to tolerate them (key word being "try"), and they even help him a bit ("La La Law"), until eventually he starts acting somewhat like a guardian to them and he's even willingly choosing to hang out with them (like in "I'm Mad", "Fake", "The Party", etc).

This episode also puts the Warners' characters in a new perspective, being the first that tries to get the audience to genuinely sympathize with them. We knew about them being locked in the water tower, but that wasn't taken too seriously and (because of how "Newsreel of the Stars" presented their origin) you could argue the studio's treatment of the Warners was just a reaction to the Warners' antics. Here the Warners kept their end of the deal and were well behaved, yet were betrayed anyway. They had gone up against a "special friend" before this episode, but this episode was pretty much the first to firmly establish that the Warners are capable of behaving if treated fairly (although they'd rather mess about, not out of maliciousness, but because they just wanna have fun), but if not they're not afraid to fight back and wreak havoc.

A big reason why I like the Warners so much is that they seem like simple characters on the surface, but there is nuance to how they act, and this episode is a good example of that ("The Sound of Warners" also being a good example). It would've been easy to write the Warners as one-dimensional characters who all act the same, are completely incapable and/or unwilling to behave and do nothing but make anyone and everyone's lives worse for no reason, especially since it's a variety show, but they didn't and I appreciate that. I also think the way they're drawn in this episode is adorable! They don't look how they usually do when animated by TMS, but I still like it.

The Warners' 65th Anniversary Special

This episode gives a more detailed retelling of the Warners' origin story. This time it is presented as a "live" TV special, which is a unique premise for this show that helps this episode stand out. I like how "Newsreel of the Stars" tries to make the studio look as good and reasonable as possible, only for that to be flipped on its head in this episode which makes it clear that really the problem was that Memlo and Plotz were the unreasonable ones. The Warners' backstory itself expertly manages to be both comedic yet sad at the same time in a way that doesn't feel tonally inconsistent at all. I still find it hilarious that they took an actual Looney Tunes character and made them into a twist villain just because they were unpopular in real life (let it be known that Animaniacs did that joke before the 2002 Scooby Doo movie did). Combine all that with some fun cameos and beautiful TMS animation, and you've got one of the show's best episodes.

Episode 92

Yup-the whole episode. This episodes is a great summary of Animaniacs' strengths, because each segment is a perfect example of an aspect (or multiple) of Animaniacs that the show does expertly well. "It" has some of the best animation in the whole show, "Dot-The Macadamia Nut" is one of the best parody songs in the show, and "Bully for Skippy" provides some of the best meta humour, political satire, slapstick, and irreverent humour in the show. It's one of my favourite Slappy segments, and although I think the message isn't supposed to be taken seriously...I legitimately think it's a good moral? After seeing other shows/movies/etc (particularly since the 2010's) have their protagonists easily talk down and redeem multiple incredibly vile villains, or sometimes just outright let the villain get away for the sake of keeping them passive/non-violent, this episode's conclusion was incredibly satisfying.

Children's media will often tell kids to just ignore bullies or to constantly try to "get through to them" no matter what, because if they don't that makes them "just as bad" and I'm sorry but that's not something we should be teaching kids, and I'd argue they're not just bad but straight up dangerous messages. Ignoring bullies doesn't work most of the time, it just makes them try harder to get your attention, which often means acting more aggressive and malicious. I do think teaching kids to try and make peace with people non-violently is very important, but if the bully keeps harassing them, at some point you have to draw the line and stand up for yourself. Sometimes you have to yell. Sometimes you have to fight. It sucks but that's life...so anyway, back to Animaniacs. Duke seemingly does learn his lesson in the end, because he's seen helping Slappy, but only after getting his butt kicked, and it's not like him and Skippy are BFFs or anything.

I think this is one of the most well-balanced non-singular story episode of the show, quality wise that is. Most Animaniacs episodes with multiple segments have at least one that is mediocre or straight up bad in comparison to the other(s), but that's not the case here. They're all great.

Honourable Mentions: The Sound of Warners, La La Law, Meatballs or Consequences, A Christmas Plotz, Super Strong Warner Siblings, Morning Malaise, Season 3's Finale (Episode 82), Win Big, Puppet Rulers, Bubba Bo Bob Brain, Yes, Always, Bumbie's Mom, ...And Justice for Slappy, One Flew Over the Cuckoo Clock, Critical Condition, Woodstock Slappy, When Rita Met Runt, Smitten With Kittens, Phranken-Runt

Best Songs: Yakko's World, Wakko's America, I'm Cute, Yakko's Universe, The Ballad of Magellan, Variety Speak, I'm Nobody's Mama, Let's Try for Two, Humans Ain't What They Seem to Be, A Quake! A Quake!, The Senses Song, There's Only One of You

Now on to Pinky and the Brain:

A Pinky and the Brain Christmas

Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna get this one out of the way now. You love it, I love it, and we all know why...but I'll explain anyway!

For one, this is the only episode TMS animated for the spin off, and it looks gorgeous. The writing's as good as ever. I'd like to point out the Donner Party joke for being clever; but Bill Clinton being unable to open the window is the joke that gets me to chuckle when I think about it. Although let's be honest, people mostly like this episode because of the ending. I get it though, it's touching! It shows just how much Pinky loves Brain and how selfless he can be, dedicating what was supposed to be his Christmas list to Brain. Then the smashing, the keychain, the credits, blah blah blah we know how it goes.

I mean if you're reading this then chances are I don't need to convince you; it's the show's most well-known episode, and it's really good.

Welcome to the Jungle

This episodes flipped Pinky and Brain's dynamic on it's head. Brain was out of his element, meanwhile Pinky took charge. This is the main reason it's one of the most memorable episodes of the show, although another is that Snowball makes his grand return in this episode, and is even more antagonistic this time by trying to get Pinky and the Brain killed, whereas last time he was really only trying to one-up Brain. I find it interesting that Brain’s more sympathetic towards Snowball this time around, insisting that he needs help and attempting to save his life. Perhaps he always missed Snowball as a friend (and still cares about him deep down), perhaps being so out of his element softened him, maybe both? And when Brain defeated Snowball towards the end, after what he went through in the episode that genuinely felt triumphant and deserved.

This episode really shows off how Pinky and the Brain is distinct from Animaniacs. The Warners don't take serious situations seriously, they're always on top of things and are ultimately winners. Pinky and the Brain are kind of the inverse; mice wanting to take over the world is ridiculous, but they take it completely seriously, and fail every time. Though it is exactly that that allows the protagonists to be vulnerable and struggle more often, hence allowing the characters and their stories to often times be slightly less zany and a bit more sincere.

Star Warners

This episode was just fun, what more can I say? It was nice to see many of the Animaniacs characters again, especially the Warners and Slappy, but we even got to see the more obscure characters like Pip, Zalgar, the aliens from “Space-Probed”, Sid the Squid and Beanie the Braindead Bison. Some Looney Tunes characters and Freakazoid appear too. I also like a lot of the "castings": in particular Yakko as Han, Wakko as Luke and Dot as Leia are perfect choices.

There's more to this episode than cameos though, like the interactions between characters who pretty much never interact. Dot and Brain, Wakko and Mindy, etc. My absolute favourite aspect of this episode is that the Warners, Pinky, Brain and Slappy all got to star alongside each other throughout the episode! The Warners have interacted with Slappy a few times, they've also interacted with Pinky and the Brain too, as has Slappy (very briefly in "Spell-Bound"), but they've never all interacted as a group for an extended period of time. I haven't kept it a secret they're my favourite Animaniacs characters (and also have pretty much the only segments I truly care about aside from maybe also Rita and Runt), so to see them interact as a group was great!

Also, the final credits gag was “Nympholepsy - To have a desire for an unattainable idea”. That's a perfect Brain’s Word to end the show on, and this episode was a pretty good way to end the show. Sure, something with higher stakes that takes place in the main setting of PatB (as in an episode where Pinky and the Brain live in Acme Labs in the modern day) like the "Brainwashed" trilogy would've made for a good finale too, but honestly having the final episode of the show essentially be a crossover between it and its parent series is cute. In fact it's probably...eh screw it, it IS the best Animaniacs-related series finale there is.

Honourable Mentions: TV or not TV, Snowball, The Pink Candidate, Pinky and the Brain…and Larry, This Old Mouse, A Pinky and the Brain Halloween, You’ll Never Eat Food Pellets In This Town Again, The Family That Poits Together, Narfs Together

Best Songs: Brainstem, Cheese Roll Call, Just Say Narf!, A Meticulous Analysis of History

And now, because I haven't seen "Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain" and don't plan to, the Animaniacs reboot:

Fear and Laughter in Burbank

I love that the Warners' Halloween costumes were the Marx brothers, it's a cute reference to the fact that Yakko and Wakko were partially inspired by Groucho and Harpo respectfully. That and I really like segments where the Warners torment some evil supernatural being. The fact that these literal children can not only hold their own against but outright best beings like a soul-sucking clown, the Devil or even Death himself is both hilarious and admirable. They're not just pests, they're powerful pests.

It's pretty interesting that Yakko is the only one of the siblings who falls victim to Nickelwise, before being narrowly saved by Dot. His encounter with Nickelwise reveals a few things about him: that he hates being alone, fears losing his voice, and is at least a little insecure about his comedic skills whilst seeking validation via comedy. It also implies that despite the fact that he acts as the most mature, experienced and the de facto leader, he may be the most anxious and have the most self-worth issues of the three. This would make sense since he's the eldest, and therefore presumably has a lot more worries on his mind than Wakko and Dot. I do like this segment overall, but this moment is what made it one of my favourites. It provides depth to Yakko's character like never before, which I appreciate given that he's my favourite.

Rome Sweet Rome

This segment had a lot of good gags, solid satire, a fun song, and each Warner shows off their skillset pretty well: Yakko using his words and not his fists in a fight, Dot weaponizes cuteness to blindside an opponent, Wakko has an endless appetite and is really destructive. Titmouse animated this one so of course the animation was great. Pretty much everything I like about the Warners' segments is here and in top form. Not much more to say other than that, it's just...really good!

The Island of Dr. Warneau

Titmouse animated so once again there's great animation (Jurgen's lab was wonderfully creepy), and I really liked how the Warners were written in this one. I like that Yakko has a picture of Scratchy in his wallet (I'll take all the "Scratchansniff is their dad" crumbs that I can get), the clones are adorable, and of course the comedy was as good as ever ("You're living beings, not unpaid interns!" in particular got me).

Jürgen seems to be depiction of what an abusive family member might act like (although obviously exaggerated, since this show is a zany cartoon and all). In addition to forcing them to do whatever he wants whilst giving no love in return, Jürgen makes the clones call him "brother" to condition them into thinking he's family so they'll feel obligated to associate with him, has convinced them that he's their "protector" so they'll feel helpless without him (unfortunately that worked because Ratto straight up says they're helpless in his first line), and when the clones finally do stand up for themselves he tries to bribe Ditto towards the end by offering her a strawberry, whilst claiming she was always the "sensible one". The ending was very satisfying, with Ditto refusing to call Jürgen "brother" anymore and switching to using his first name (basically disowning him) and calling the Warners her real family. The six of them hug and just before things get a bit too cute-Jürgen gets eaten by a whale. The ending, like the whole segment really, is a perfect mix of both wholesomeness and dark humour.

This segment essentially emphasizes the importance of who the Warners are as characters. It explored the idea of what the Warners would be like if instead of being chaotic and rebellious, they were meek and well behaved, essentially the opposite of themselves, and it made for an interesting watch! It shows the importance of being assertive, and why being "perfectly behaved" and "obedient" isn't always a good thing. In hindsight, had Scratchansniff actually managed to successfully "de-zanitize" the Warners, it might've been the worst thing to have happened to them.

The Warners aren't perfectly behaved. They're snarky. They're chaotic. They're insane(-y). They're a lot of things, BUT when they see something wrong they don't stand aside, they fight back and make it right, just in a comedic way (they're like the embodiment of karma). Their backbone is one of their biggest redeeming qualities, and although people in-universe give them a hard time over their chaotic and irreverent nature, they'll always be better than the corrupt authority figures (like Jürgen, or many of their "special friends") they tend to take down.

Honourable Mentions: Suspended Animation Part 1, Ralph Cam, That's Not the Issue, Future Brain, Roadent Trip, Yakko Amakko, Christopher Columbusted, Reichenbrain Falls, 23 and WB, Planet Warner, Talladega Mice: The Ballad of Pinky Brainy, Fantasy, Teeniacs, Animaliens, Global Warnering, Slappy's Return

Best Songs: Suffragette Song, The Cutening, Be Like Me, A Zit!, I Am The Very Model of an Ancient Roman Emperor, Yakko's Big Idea (Yakko's Big Song), Magna Cartoon, Warner's Ark, D.I.WHY?, Here Comes the Sea!, Some of Humanity's Wins

Before Animaniacs, many syndicated cartoons (specifically ones from the 60's to the 80's) had either a) good writing but cheap animation or b) more expensive and impressive looking animation but were essentially over glorified toy commercials. Animaniacs had both witty, intelligent writing and downright beautiful animation (seriously, the segments animated by TMS are some of the best hand drawn animation I've ever seen in a TV show). This wasn't unheard of by the early 90's, but only a handful of other cartoons could claim the same at the time. It's higher budget compared to a lot of other contemporary cartoons also meant it could afford a 25-to-40-piece orchestra, and that (along with the extremely talented staff) allowed Animaniacs to have one of the best soundtracks from any cartoon ever. Not to mention it was one of the first TV shows to garner an interactive online audience. Animaniacs was one of the first examples of internet fandom culture. Think about that. That is huge.

The Warners, Pinky and the Brain and Slappy are unironically some of my favourite characters of all time. I love that that the Warners are chaotic, nigh-omnipotent beings who can do anything, but also non-conforming outcasts who look out for each other because no one else will, but also well-meaning rebels, but also cute silly little children all at the same time. And that's just what they have in common, that's not even getting into their individual personalities. To put it very briefly (because I literally already wrote an essay about Dot so if you've read that you know how long I can go on about them but this post is long enough already and I'm still not done) I admire Yakko's wit, Wakko's optimism, and Dot's confidence.

I love that Pinky and The Brain are complete opposites in every sense of the word yet still manage to have an unbreakable bond. I love Slappy's unapologetically violent but never too meanspirited sense of humour (even though she's only one in-universe I genuinely think she makes for a better female Looney Tunes character than most of the actual female Looney Tunes characters) and how despite how bitter and cranky she is, she never lets that get in the way of her bond with Skippy.

Both the original Animaniacs and the reboot are some of my favourite shows of all time. I love their sense of humour, I love the main characters, I love that they never hold back and go places/accomplish things that a lot of other kids shows wouldn't even dare to. Not only was Animaniacs heavily influenced by Looney Tunes but it (and a series of Looney Tunes television spin-offs) helped bring Looney Tunes back from a period of stagnation by popularising its sense of humour (particularly its type of snark, wordplay, slapstick and visual gags). I feel like not enough people talk about just how influential the original show was; not only did it have more pop culture references and social commentary than pretty much any children's cartoon had before it, it played a big part in popularising those two things as well as sharp satire, cynical irony, meta humour, self awareness, and just witty humour in general being in children's cartoons, if not TV as a whole.

And above all else...it was fun. It was a fun show that just wanted to make you laugh above all else. It knew what it wanted to do and was good at it, and sometimes that's all you need for success.

I love this franchise, and I can't wait to see what it does next.

76 notes · View notes

acmeoop · 2 years

Text

Sibling Scurry “Taming Of The Screwy” (1993)

#90s #amblin #warner bros #animaniacs #warner siblings #wild take #gif #wakko warner #yakko warner #dot warner #warner brothers #warner sister #zip out

216 notes · View notes

thatlegendaryfool · 5 months

Text

"Well, I know when we're not wanted! I know when we should just go home...now is not one of those times." - Yakko (Taming of the Screwy)

#yakko warner #quotes

7 notes · View notes

velocity52 · 2 years

Photo

What if the warners never existed? Part 1!

A Commission made by @thetimelimit this comic came out so well. The only problem is it’s hard to read. When there’s water in my eyes! Thanks again for making this!😭😭

Sorry I haven’t post as often lately. My life has been busy the last few months.

I like Shrek forever after. I also like animaniacs. That’s pretty much what this comic is. I was remember watching “taming the screwy.” Then thought “Wow they never wouldn’t have the check without the warners.”

Then a AU began to form in my head.

what if Yakko, Wakko and Dot never exists? How different would people be like without them? What would Burbank be like? What would the Warners bros studio be like?! I’ll explain the AU in part 2.

Part 2

#animaniacs #Yakko Warner #wakko warner #dot warner #yakko #wakko #dot #yakko wakko and dot

157 notes · View notes

termiteterraceclub · 1 year

Text

Termite Terrace Club - September 17th

Happy Birthday Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote!

1932 - Ride Him, Bosko! - Dir. Hugh Harman

1949 - Fast and Furry-ous - Dir. Chuck Jones

1955 - Speedy Gonzales - Dir. Friz Freleng

1966 - Swing Ding Amigo - Dir. Robert

McKimson

1990 - Tiny Toon Adventures Season 1 - “A Quack in the Quarks”

1991 - Tiny Toon Adventures Season 2 - “Going Places” (W-167) (When You’re Hot / That’s Art Folks! / Slaughterhouse Jive)

1992 - Tiny Toon Adventures Season 3 - “What Makes Toons Tick” (TMS-189) (Whirlwind Romance / Going Up / Nothing to Sneeze At)

1993 - Animaniacs Season 1 - “Taming of the Screwy”

1994 - Animaniacs Season 2 - “We’re No Pigeons” / “Whistle Stop Mindy” / “Katie Ka-Boom: The Broken Date”

1995 - Pinky & the Brain Season 1: “Of Mouse and Man”

1997 - Pinky & the Brain Season 3: “All You Need Is Narf” / “Pinky’s Plan”

2002 - Baby Looney Tunes Season 1: “Comfort Level” / “Like A Duck To Water”

2005 - Loonatics Unleashed Season 1 (Series Premiere) - “Loonatics on Ice”

#looney tunes #looneytwt #wb100 #wb #warner bros #speedy Gonzales #road runner #wile e Coyote #sylvester the cat #loonatics unleashed

11 notes · View notes

cf56 · 2 years

Text

Revisiting the Scratchansniff-Warners relationship, Part 2: The positives, where it all went wrong, and what it all means

Welcome to part 2 of part 4 of Overanalyzing the Warners. Here's a link to part 1.

In the first part, I focused on Scratchansniff as a character and why he was a terrible fit as the Warners' psychiatrist. In this part, I'll look at the other side of it: the almost fatherly relationship he developed with them over time, and how it all suddenly came crashing down.

Warning: This post is extremely long. I've said previous posts of mine were long, but this is several times longer than those- it's 4576 words. You may want to set aside some time for this or break it up into parts to read at different times.

I've talked about this topic in great length, and this post is meant to be the culmination of all of it. So, in addition to reading part 1 of this 2 part analysis, I would encourage you to read my other two important posts about Scratchansniff and his relationship with the Warners:

In this post, I did an episode-by-episode analysis of Scratchansniff's relationship with the Warners and marveled about how it all went wrong.

In this post, I went in-depth in analyzing Episode 5 of the original series, "Taming of the Screwy", taking a look at a pivotal point in the Warners' character development and their relationship with their p-sychiatrist.

In general, Scratchansniff's relationship with the Warners can be broken down into three phases.

Phase 1: Episodes 1-53 of the original series. Scratchansniff first establishes a relationship with the Warners and they get to know each other better in an up-and-down process where they sometimes act as allies and sometimes as foes.

Phase 2: Episodes 65-82 of the original series. Having warmed up greatly to the Warners, Scratchansniff becomes somewhat of a father figure to them, taking them out on trips and having almost entirely positive encounters with them overall.

Phase 3: Episode 87 of the original series and everything since. The relationship suddenly and inexplicably goes downhill, with the Warners and Scratchansniff mutually seeming to not like each other much at all. This continues into the reboot, with Scratchansniff acting antagonistic to the Warners and the Warners seeming unenthusiastic in their helping of him in season 1. In season 2, the Warners seem to trust him as a father figure again, but he's only pretending to like them in what is actually part of a scheme to get his stuff back.

Phase 1 is what I've already covered most extensively, so I won't talk about it as much in this post. Besides the two episodes that I already covered in-depth, Episodes 1 and 5, there isn't much of great impact to discuss here. The Warners have their usual hijinks. Sometimes they interact positively with Scratchansniff, such as when they get him a present for his birthday seemingly unprompted, and other times they pester him unnecessarily, such as when they ruin his date in Episode 53, "Drive Insane".

It can't really be said that Scratchansniff is the bad guy in any of these interactions. I mean, the guy was just trying to have a good date, and, even though the Warners arguably improved it, never really did anything to deserve them showing up and deliberately trying to ruin everything. Well, he didn't do anything in that episode to deserve it. This still does take place after he betrayed their trust in Taming of the Screwy, so it makes sense why the Warners would be antagonistic to him sometimes. I would describe this phase overall as the "rebuilding trust" phase. Scratchansniff blew his chance to meaningfully help the Warners in a therapeutic sense, but that doesn't mean his relationship with them is forever dead. Quite the opposite.

Phase 2 begins in Episode 65, the Warners' 65th Anniversary Special. While that episode is packed with Warners lore items, the only thing relevant to this topic is how Scratchansniff chaperones them at the event. This is the first instance of him acting fatherly to them.

Episodes 69, 71, 79, and 82 show the same. In 69, he takes them out to the carnival. In 71, Wakko approaches him because he wants to participate in his bingo game, which no one else attended. It could be argued either that Wakko just really wanted to spend time with Scratchansniff or that this was his subtle way of making the doctor feel better about no one attending his bingo game, or both. In any case, it's clear that Wakko genuinely likes being around Scratchansniff by this point. In 79, the Warners invite Scratchansniff to their party, and he both shows up and has a decent time. In 82, he takes them out for another trip and has a great time singing Wakko's two-note song.

Now, hold on a minute. Where did all of this come from? Why are the Warners and Scratchansniff suddenly all buddy-buddy, after spending half the series antagonizing each other? How did Scratchansniff regain their trust even after betraying them? I think it might be rather simple. The Warners took a liking to Scratchansniff simply because they were able to spend a lot of time with him, and he didn't always completely hate their guts while they did so.

That's sad, isn't it? It's a really low bar to friendship. By all normal metrics of trust, Scratchansniff never did a single thing to deserve the Warners' admiration. But you have to look at what the Warners have been through. From the moment of their creation, everyone around them hated them with a burning passion. Their creator went crazy in the process. Their main director, Weed Memlo, despised them from the start. Plotz and other studio leadership always saw them as a nuisance at best and a cataclysmic, terrifying force of nature at worst. Their co-star Buddy hated them so much he tried to kill them 65 years later. People literally screamed and fled at the mere sight of them on the lot. This was years before the creation of other famous toons like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck who might have been their allies. They had literally not one person to trust or like or have any sort of positive relationship with, except each other.

All the while, they seem somewhat oblivious to this total mistreatment, because it's the only thing they've ever known. In their childlike naivety, they thought this was just how it was supposed to go. They thought that the people who clearly hated and feared them actually liked them, because they never saw any example of a person who truly did. This explains a lot of their behavior then and later on. They pester everyone, including those they like, because they think it's an expression of fondness. If the Warners truly dislike someone, they just avoid them. And it takes a lot to get the Warners to truly dislike someone. Even people who they legitimately should dislike, who were never anything but mean to them like Plotz, they still eventually take a liking to.

So then they meet someone like Scratchansniff, who still dislikes them but doesn't outright hate them or flee when he sees them, because his job forces him to interact with them. Compared to everyone else the Warners have ever met, well, he's a saint! Of course they would take a liking to him. A similar process happened to Scratchansniff on the other end. Forced to interact with them often because of his job, he eventually became familiar with them. Scratchansniff is quite a lonely guy as well. He doesn't seem to have any family or friends, and even his dates dislike him. By being around the Warners, he came to realize that they were good kids at heart, as much as he didn't want to admit it to himself. This is when he embraced them on his end of things, and that's when he became a father figure. He couldn't commit completely, though. Deep down, he became aware of the inequities that molded the Warners into what they were. However, surrounded by people who didn't, and still being a stubborn old man, he knew that if he admitted to himself the awful treatment the Warners had always received, he would come to despise himself for his part in it. So, he didn't admit it fully. But he still felt bad for them, and that's why I believe he did things such as take them out to the carnival, for no reason other than to make them happy. It can also be noted that Scratchansniff takes them out for his own enjoyment- he takes them to a wrestling show, something that he is very passionate about but the Warners don't like. They're so embarrassed to be there that they put bags over their heads, but they still went. The Warners are Scratchansniff's only real friends that he can take with him to events he enjoys.

On that note, this is another important reason I believe the Warners formed such a bond with Scratchansniff. In all the phase 2 episodes, you can see one thing being consistently implied: the only time the Warners are officially allowed off the lot is when they're accompanied by Scratchansniff.

In other words, Scratchansniff is their only legitimate ticket to freedom. Now, why would it matter to them whether they can get off the lot legitimately or not? They do it all the time regardless. That's exactly the point, and how I inferred something critical about the Warners' characters: they want to be officially included. During the events of the series, they are able to consistently escape the tower and go absolutely anywhere they want whenever they want. Despite this, every single time there's an opportunity afforded to them to do things the right way and be included without breaking the rules, they take it. The only way this would make sense is if they have a personal desire to be able to do things without breaking the rules, and the only reason they do break the rules so often is because there are almost no situations where they're included within the rules. All that to say- being able to go off the lot without being relentlessly chased is important to them, and the only way they can do that is if they go with Scratchansniff.

The point is, the relationship between Scratchansniff and the Warners was forged from unwilling familiarity. The Warners have almost no friends, Scratchansniff has almost no friends, and so, when they're forced to spend a lot of time around each other, they naturally become fond. Wow, that was a much more concise way of stating everything I wrote in the massive block of text above.

What is the relationship actually, really like at this point? Do the Warners regard Scratchansniff as a true father figure? Does he look at them almost like his kids? I've always hesitated to call him a true father figure to the Warners because of how large a part he played in their unfair treatment by the studio, even during Phase 2. How can a man who truly loves them not do more to break them out of that horrible cycle of abuse?

On a meta level, though, that is the part Scratchansniff is meant to play. He's inserted as a parental figure in episodes where either the Warners need to be placed in a situation more relatable to the normal kids watching the show, or when they need to show more traditional childlike traits than they usually do when they're on their own. "I'm Mad" is a great example of this. The Warners need to go on a roadtrip for the plot to work. It's a very relatable plotline for the kids watching, but the Warners would never end up in that situation without an adult father figure to take them somewhere. That's Scratchansniff.

Also in that segment, the Warners can be seen acting much more like regular siblings to each other than they usually do. Basically, when the Warners need to be portrayed more like actual kids, that's when Scratchansniff is inserted as their parental figure. But I don't think that was initially meant to imply the existence of a strong father-child bond between Scratchansniff and the Warners. When writing, the creators of the show may have been just as surprised as the characters themselves that this relationship seemed to be forming so naturally. Just like in-universe, it may truly have been a relationship formed out of circumstance.

I'd be remiss if I didn't spend at least one paragraph highlighting Wakko's especially close relationship with Scratchansniff. From the segment "Ups and Downs", which is actually in Phase 1, he seems to regard Scratchansniff as a really close friend, despite the doctor's lack of reciprocation. I think this is just due to Wakko's nature. Unlike his siblings, he isn't really out to cause any trouble or mischief. He's just kind of flowing along with the current of life. And because of his status as the wacky one, he tends to see crazy things as normal while being very fascinated with the mundane. Scratchansniff is very mundane. Wakko seemingly goes out of his way to spend alone time with Scratchansniff, such as at the bingo game. In that situation, with Wakko as the only patron at the event, Scratchansniff could have very easily closed up shop and said no to letting Wakko play. He decided to go through with it anyway. It's possible that Wakko becoming close with Scratchansniff first was the opening needed for all three Warners becoming close with him.

By the events of Episode 82, "Wakko's Two-Note Song", everything seems to be going swimmingly. The Warners like Scratchansniff and he clearly likes them. Going out on trips with each other seems to have become routine. There are no hints at any cracks in their relationship at all- if anything, it seems like it's just becoming stronger and stronger. Oh, how I wish it had just ended with this episode. Then, maybe, by the time of the reboot we'd see that the Warners have embraced Scratchansniff as their true father figure, he's officially adopted them, and they live a nice family life in a real home. It didn't end there.

Phase 3 starts with Episode 87. I'll be honest, it's a little weird to call this a "phase" at all. That's because, instead of following the logical progression it had been to this point, this is where it completely goes off the rails. It goes from a strong relationship to almost no relationship. Imagine if Wreck-it Ralph 2 had started with Ralph and Felix being at odds again, with absolutely no explanation given as to why. Imagine if Star Wars Episode 5 had started with Luke back on Tatooine living as a regular farmboy. That's what happened here. You have a very consistently followed, logical development of a relationship over 80+ episodes of a TV show, but then in Episode 87 it just all goes away.

As with all the segments and episodes I'm mentioning, I'd suggest you just go watch "Anchors-a-Warners" yourself to get what I mean. But if you need a summary, Scratchansniff tries to go on a cruise to get away from the Warners, but is horrified and legitimately terrified to see that they've followed him on board.

They do everything they can to harass him and ruin his life in the meanest ways possible, for no reason that was ever shown. Scratchansniff did nothing to deserve it. It's the Warners at their worst, written so poorly that they just straight-up seem like the antagonists. Usually they seem like kids just out to have some harmless fun. In this episode they feel malicious. There's a few poorly written episodes like that in the original series, but this one is so much worse because of who they do it to. Because of how it tanked what was previously a thriving relationship with no reason given, reversing all character development both Scratchansniff and the Warners had received over the many episodes of Animaniacs before this. It feels like a bad episode from season 1 that they inserted into season 4. In fact, it's my theory that this is exactly what it is. By this point Animaniacs was nearing the end of production, and it's known that they used some scrapped scripts from the earlier seasons to fill out the last. I think they took this one, which was rightfully rejected years earlier, and made it into an episode for season 4 without much thought.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was followed up by... well, anything. This is the last major interaction the Warners have with Scratchansniff in the original series. Wakko's Wish isn't canon, but even there they don't seem to be close with him at all. Let me reiterate that the building of the Scratchansniff-Warners relationship isn't just a piece of crazy fan headcanon. It's very obviously and deliberately built up. In Phase 1, you kind of alternate between episodes where the Warners antagonize Scratchansniff and episodes where they're more friendly with each other. In Phase 2, though, there isn't a single negative interaction between them. That's why Anchors-a-Warners is so jarring.

Fans were disappointed by Scratchansniff's portrayal in the reboot, as they wanted to see a resumption of the wholesome relationship they had been building before and not see the doctor brought back as your run-of-the-mill cartoon antagonist. I certainly share those desires, but is it really hard to understand why the reboot writers wrote it the way they did? If you watch the original series and assume that every episode happens in chronological order, that is where the relationship left off. Not as family, but as enemies. We can only hope that they redevelop it in the future to leave it on a good note in the end.

So, why do I think it was left off like that? I think it can be attributed to the rocky end of Animaniacs. The network was dissatisfied with their product, which was attracting too many adults, and was relatively expensive to produce. The number of Animaniacs staff working on the show was cut significantly in the later seasons. I think, being slowly forced out like that, Tom Ruegger and other writers probably lost passion for the story they had been trying to tell. It's a huge shame that we never got to see a real conclusion, with Scratchansniff embracing the Warners as true family. I think that's the way it was intended to end up.

In-universe, though, what happened? Are there any hints that might tell us how the relationship went sour? I think there might be one. At the end of "Wakko's Two-Note Song", Scratchansniff has embraced Wakko's way of making music and is trying to make a song by honking his car horn. Mr. Plotz hears this and remarks that "the poor guy's finally lost his noodle."

Perhaps Plotz believes that the psychiatrist spending so much time with the Warners has, instead of taming the Warners, actually made Scratchansniff insane. So, the next time he sees him, Plotz chews him out for failing to do his job and orders him to go see a psychiatrist of his own to bring him back up to level. In the midst of this humiliation, Scratchansniff became paranoid that Plotz was actually right, remembering how he used to be and believing that the Warners made him insane. This caused him to try to cut off close contact with the Warners, becoming cold to them the next time they met. The Warners, hurt and confused by the sudden rejection, became angry and got their revenge by picking on Scratchansniff like the old days, only increasing Scratchansniff's bitterness towards them and sending the relationship plummeting back to how it was before. This is why they're so hostile to him in Anchors-a-Warners. None of that is rooted in canon besides the one moment I showed above. It's all speculation, but it's the best answer I can come up with.

That's the end of my in-universe speculation. I'd like to touch upon the greater societal impact that Scratchansniff may have had. Before Dr. Scratchansniff, there were no or almost no reoccurring, seriously taken psychiatrist characters in cartoons. You wouldn't see Bugs Bunny sitting on a therapy couch for anything other than a quick gag. I won't pretend like Scratchansniff's character is meant to be taken very seriously or that any of his therapeutic interactions with the Warners were much more than jokes. However, it was a long-lasting, mostly positive relationship between doctor and patient that was thoroughly explored. Imagine being a kid in the 90's who has to go to psychotherapy. You probably feel ostracized, probably bullied if anyone knows about it. Then a new super popular cartoon comes on the scene where the main characters regularly go to therapy and have a long-lasting relationship with their psychiatrist. Maybe it made it a little better.

And maybe that's what this is all about. If I were to distill Animaniacs down to one statement, I'd say it's meant to show the perspective of the little guy. It shows the world from the perspective of kids, from the perspective of pets, lab mice, the neurodivergent, the flame on a candle.

Before I started writing this post, I was under the impression I usually am with these kinds of things- everything I'm talking about is fan theory, and the creators probably didn't intend more than half of it. Fans, especially fans who look as deeply into things as I do, tend to go way overboard, finding meaning where none was ever meant to exist. I very much do not think the English teacher overanalysis of every little detail in every creative work is generally the most correct way to look at things, from the point of view of what the creator intended. I do it for fun, of course, but as an author I know that most of the most profound symbolism and hidden meanings in my works are things that were completely unintentional, that I only find after I reread them several times. That's especially true in a silly comedy cartoon like Animaniacs, right?

As I got deeper into writing this, though, I realized that there might be more there than I first thought. Mental illness, or "insanity", is a consistently reoccurring theme in this show. The first segment in the first episode starts with the Warners getting acquainted with their psychiatrist. Their psychiatrist is their closest ally and favorite enemy, the one that around 10% of the episodes in the series focus on. A psychiatry office is one of the default settings for the show.

Insanity is mentioned in the intro to every episode (totally insaney!). Before most episodes, the Warners' backstory is shown in Newsreel of the Stars. In their expanded backstory shown in certain episodes, it's revealed that their animator went insane creating them.

Everyone else, at least the adults, around the Warners call them destructive and insane, ostracizing them from society. To anyone with half a brain watching, though, it's immensely clear that the Warners aren't anything more than hyperactive children with no strong adult guidance, using the god powers they never asked for to act out for extremely understandable reasons. The show consistently shows instead that the adults around them, the stuffy business types calling them insane, are the true unstable ones. They're blinded by prejudice, trying the same thing over and over, banging their heads against the wall trying everything to solve the "issue" of the Warners, except the solution that was extremely obvious the entire time. The Warners just need someone to care for them. Even the one who's supposed to be the expert in the field of mental health can't figure out this very basic idea.

Think back on the history of how we as a society have treated mental health issues. First, hundreds of years ago, we tried to lock the crazies away in asylums. Get them away from society so they can't harm us and we don't have to think of them. Then things progressed to aggressively trying to treat these mental disorders, with lobotomies and shock therapy and every horrible thing in between. We became obsessed with trying to take the neurodivergent and make them "normal."

What happened to the Warners? First, they were locked away, separated from society. Then, they were aggressively treated with the explicit aim of making them "normal." Their psychiatrist, as I covered in part 1, probably got his degree around the 1930's or 40's, using extremely outdated tactics that inevitably would fail to give the Warners any real help. You can see the parallels.

The Warners live in a world where it's extremely clear how everyone mistreats them, yet they're always made out to be the crazy ones. Animaniacs shows it for what it really is, from the perspective of the marginalized, from the perspective of those who were driven mad by the environment they were born into. Even though the truth is extremely obvious to them, no one can ever see their side. Animaniacs is meant to show how treating mental illness with the intent of making the patient normal is nothing more than banging your head against the wall. It will never help them or you. If you truly want to get them help, then help them. Help them exist in society the best they can, and only then will you start to see some of the improvement you hoped for in the first place. Like I said in the last part- the Warners could have been tamed, but if you want to do that, taming them cannot be your primary goal.

This is one of the few things I've spoken on in my overanalysis series that I believe has a strong chance to be fully intentional. In fact, now that I've laid it out for myself, the symbolism of Animaniacs seems kind of obvious. We've grown as a society recently, getting on the path to accepting mental illness and neurodivergency for what it is instead of jumping right to ostracizing it (though there's still a ways to go). Animaniacs, on the other hand, was trying to get this in our heads 30 years ago.

Bringing this back around to the main topic, I'll say something I've said many times before- I hope the Warners get a happy ending. I hope they embrace Scratchansniff truly and he embraces them. I hope they get out of the tower for good and can live the lives they want. It doesn't have to be the focus of an episode or anything. Just, to end the reboot off, show a 30 second scene of them being happy and free. That's all I want.

And so, finally, mercifully, that's all I have to say on this topic. At least until I think of more in a year from now. The next installment in Overanalyzing the Warners will focus on the Warners themselves, specifically their sibling relationship. That won't be out for a long while, though.

If you have anything you want to add, comment on, correct, or say about this post, don't hesitate to leave a reply or send in an ask. In any case, thank you for reading all of that. It continues to surprise me how much support I receive for these insane lore ramblings about this children's comedy cartoon. Thank you.

#animaniacs #overanalyzing the warners #the warner siblings #dr. scratchansniff #yakko wakko and dot #cfposts

54 notes · View notes