#The scene is very clear in my head. Cas finally works up the courage to venture outside the bunker and ends up at this little pub

[castielmacleod]

Fics I will never write: IT GETS BETTER

Set in a canon divergent season 11, It Gets Better is a short fic exploring the abusive relationship between Cas and Dean, from Cas’ perspective. Traumatised from being nearly killed by the man he loves, struggling with agoraphobia, anxiety attacks, and depression, a broken-winged angel contemplates what it is he wants so he can decide if this is working or not. Character study with themes of trauma, self-worth, unrequited love, the paralysing effects of being trapped in an abusive relationship, and healing.

[smol-and-grumpy]

Something Just Like This - CH03

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean Winchester, mobster boss. He’s a little cocky, a lot ruthless and more often than not, short tempered. But he’s also, Dean Winchester, a war veteran and hero who suffers under a shit ton of PTS. He met her in a bar and thinks it’s fate that brought her to him. Little does he know why she’s really here.

Warnings: I don’t even bother with the warnings because lol, there’s none. Maybe a little feeling? I dunno.

WC: 3564

SERIES MASTERLIST

The drive back is dragging and Dean feels that the alcohol in his bloodstream did nothing to help him clear his head or calm him down. If anything, it just leaves him more agitated. 

He dreads going back. Dreads having to face his responsibility because more than anything, he wants to shut himself in his room and not want to deal with all the problems he has to face lately.

Fergus MacLeod, the mayor of the city called in earlier today, said that he’d be at Sam’s law firm opening, told Dean that he hoped that there would be lots of women too. Crowley’s been a lover of the ladies, and Dean knows that he needs Crowley on his side. And Dean hates that, hates that he’s being played like a puppet, his strings held together by a mayor who has more skeletons in the closet than Dean does and yet, he can’t expose him because Dean and his men would go down with him.

Maybe that’s why he decided to go to the Roadhouse for a drink. But who is he kidding, because in reality he went in to see her. 

Now he’s on the way back when all he wants is to have stayed longer. 

He wishes he could turn back time, go back to sitting at the bar and actually talking to Y/N. It took him what? Almost two hours to summon his courage to talk to her? What the fuck is wrong with him? He doesn’t even know himself anymore. He’s usually much smoother than that.

Sure enough, as soon as he walks down the winding stairs to the library of the bunker, Sam’s already on his case.  

“Where have you been?” Sam asks when Dean steps off the last step, Dean’s one foot shy from touching the ground.

The bunker has been their HQ since the building that used to house their HQ blew up with their dad still in it. Sam had found this place, something to do with his love for books and shit. Dean doesn’t really understand, but it’s a good place, secluded, nobody around, nobody could know what’s going on in here. And it has some bedrooms for when they’re too lazy to go home. Which, lately, happens more often than not, Dean reckons. 

“Jeez, mom, I went and had a drink, alright,” Dean scoffs and sits down at the table, running his hand through his hair, ruffling it up in the process, “Didn’t know that I have to report my every fucking move to you.” 

“You went to the Roadhouse?” Sam raises an eyebrow in question as he shuffles through the stack of papers laid out before him and Dean looks at him, his eyebrows pulled together. “Called Ellen,” Sam shrugs. 

Dean breathes out. I need a fucking drink, he thinks, but of course he knows that he can’t, he doesn’t want Sam to worry about his drinking habit too much. Sam would go all wise-ass on him, telling him that he should fucking talk more instead of using alcohol as his coping mechanism because, apparently, that is not healthy. Dean’s sick of hearing it. 

“Don’t get why you always go there. It’s an hour out! We have a couple of good bars here too, you know that right? Not that you should be drinking anyway, but you do know that you even own some of the bars?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean’s head hurts from rolling his eyes. 

“You took the Impala?”

“Of course I took my Baby,” Dean’s eyes narrow as he looks at Sam. He knows where this is going. Still, he can’t sit on his damn mouth and challenges his brother, “Why? Am I not allowed to take my own car and go have a fucking drink on my fucking own?”

Sam’s face softens up. He knows that Dean’s aggression is not really directed at him. Dean’s frustrated and Sam gets that, “We have a garage full of great bulletproof SUVs. Just saying,”

“Bulletproof.” Dean snorts.

“Yeah,” Sam nods, “You never know Dean. We don’t know about Lucifer. Maybe he’s butthurt and thinks that if he kills you, he can come back. For all I know, he could have a bullet with your name on it. No, I’m pretty sure he has a bullet with your name on it!” 

“Bullets ain’t killing me, Sam.” Dean sighs. 

“Oh, just because you were lucky in Afghanistan you think you’d be lucky here?” Sam slams in fits on the table and Dean didn’t spare a glance, “Newsflash Dean, you’re not immortal!”

There’s footsteps coming in from the kitchen and Dean turns to look at the source, thankful for whoever is here with them because then they could maybe change the subject.

Cas appears with a mug of coffee in his hand. “Fucking finally the boss graces us with his presence.” 

Dean can’t help but roll his eyes again, and thinks that he really needs a fucking drink but instead of drinking, he thinks that he can maybe distract himself with work, “So, what’s on the schedule? When does the cargo arrive?”

He watches Cas blow at the coffee before the man takes a sip and swallows, “2AM, you’re in?” 

“Why shouldn’t I be in?” Dean asks, a little hurt, a lot offended.

“Well, last time you drank yourself into a coma.” Cas shrugs and Dean couldn’t help but notice Sam’s side eyes. 

Yeah, that might have been true. He’s under a lot of pressure since there’s been news that Lucifer now has his own army of people who could make Dean’s life a living hell. 

Lucifer was his Dad’s right hand man. Well, before Dean came back and took over, he was even running the fucking joint with Sam. He was butthurt when Dean came back and instead of going back to being just a right hand man, Lucifer decided to leave and set up something on his own. He’s since been manipulating and stealing from Dean and Dean can’t say that he’s fucking thrilled about that.

“That was one fucking time, Cas!” Dean huffs, rubbing over his scruff and darts his tongue out to wet his lips, “2AM. I’m coming with you.”

      Ellen takes the cash out of the register and Y/N notices her doing that very thing a couple of times during the night. Ellen, apparently, still has some trust issues but can Y/N really blame her? 

No, she really can’t. She wouldn’t trust someone who’s only been working here for four days with the money, too. She wonders what made Jo leave, thinks that it maybe has something to do with the people who frequented the bar. 

Although Y/N’s only been here for four days, she’s been grabbed and groped by so many greasy fingers that she really had to teach someone a lesson for the others to stop making the same mistake. She thought that Ellen would be angry at her for causing a scene with blood spattered on the dirty wooden floor, and a patron suffering from a broken jaw, but Ellen just laughed it off and placed her hand on Y/N’s shoulder, “You’re doing great.” She said and Y/N can’t say that she wasn’t proud to hear that.

Yeah, she thinks, I can manage here. Besides, there are some really great guys and she gets so much information on the business that the Winchesters are running, even if it’s from hearsay. 

  *

 It’s almost 4AM and the Roadhouse is empty with only Ash who’s laying passed out on the pool table. The sight’s not unusual, though. He’s done that four nights in a row now and Y/N thinks that it might be his MO. I’ll wake him up when I’m finished, she thinks and continues to fill the bucket to sweep the floor. 

She’s in the middle of sweeping in the corner of the bar — where it strangely stinks of piss — when she hears the door opening and closing. She stops to sweep mid-motion and tilts her head to the door, her mind already thinking about how she could fend off the attacker, because, let’s be real, nothing good happens after 4AM, right? The broom in her hand can be a deadly weapon and she grips onto it a little tighter.

Breathing out a relief, she smiles when she sees that she doesn’t really have to fend for her life. “We’re closed.” She says simply.

Dean runs his hand through his hair and sighs, he rubs over his jaw and opens his mouth to say something but he doesn’t. Instead, he looks around and walks behind the bar to retrieve a bottle of whiskey out of the pantry. She didn’t even know Ellen kept any whiskey there.

Dean takes a tumbler from the top shelf and looks back at her, “I just need a drink.” 

Y/N stops sweeping and looks at him puzzled. She watches as he pours himself a finger and tips the glass back, downing the shot in one go. He shakes his head at the burn and sets the glass down to fill it some more.

She abandons the cleaning, takes a couple of steps towards the bar and Dean raises his eyebrows in question when she approaches. He grins suddenly, bright and wide, and turns around to get another glass, “Come on, drink with me.” 

“I’m working,” She says and is a little embarrassed at how it might have sounded. But the fact is, that she never drinks when she’s working, and she isn’t really keen on changing that, even if she’s undercover. 

Dean chuckles lightly, “You’re really a good girl, aren’t you?” He says with a smirk, and she doesn’t know if he’s making fun of her but the look he gives her doesn’t seem like he’s joking. It’s more like some kind of statement. A fact. And also, it’s true. 

He waits for her signal, the bottle tipped to the glass, waiting to somehow hear an ‘okay’ before he would pour it but he doesn’t press any further. The grin is still on his face, like he knows that she’ll say ‘yes’ and she hates him for knowing it. Hates, how he can read her mind.

Dean winks at her before he pours it and she takes the glass as he laughs. It’s loud, sharp, his deep voice drumming in the silence of the bar. He walks out from behind the counter and sits on the bar stool. The same one he sat in earlier.

“Cheers,” He says and clinked his glass to hers.

“Cheers,” She echoes him, and takes a sip of the brown liquid, shakes her head and squints her eyes through the burn which made Dean laugh out loud. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean says then, “For bursting in. Didn’t know where else I should go, and I needed a drink.” 

She hops from the stool and takes another sip before she walks back to her broom, “That’s alright. I just need to finish so I can go home. Guess Ellen doesn’t mind you’re here?” 

“Well, I don’t know,” Dean shrugs, stands up and takes off his jacket, “Where is she anyway?”

“Counting money in the back. Told me to close up.” 

    They had been stood up. Cas and him were waiting but the driver never arrived. Dean guesses that something has happened. Maybe Lucifer got wind. Someone has got some fucking explaining to do, because Dean’s sure that there’s a fucking rat amongst his men. And he hates that, hates being played. He’s the one who does the playing, and it should never be the other way around. 

He let Cas track the vehicle with GPS and thought that he needed a goddamn drink to deal with all this. 

Before Dean even knew where he’s going, he was driving towards the Roadhouse and he doesn’t even know if it was still open, doesn’t know if she’d still be there, but he just needs fucking something to get him over the bad night. Something to calm his fucking nerves.

He ignored the Closed sign on the door, was damn happy that the door was still unlocked and when he stepped in, he thought that he made a mistake but he couldn’t back out now. She’d already seen him. So, forward he went. Even though he knew that he was making a fool out of himself.

Dean ignored her at first, ignored the beating of his heart when he heard her voice and went straight for the pantry. 

And now he’s here, taking off his jacket and tie and rolling back his sleeves because he’s holding her back from work and the least he can do is lending her a hand.

She’s a good girl, he can see. Wonders if she’s ever done anything illegal, wonders if she’d be appalled knowing he’s done something illegal — still does, every fucking day. And he really wonders how a good fucking girl ends up here at the Roadhouse. 

He walks over to her, holding a hand out and she’s reluctant at first but then hands the broom over to him with a shy smile on her face. 

“Where were you? That corner there?” Dean is pointing his chin to a corner and walks over, the stench of piss penetrates his nostrils the closer he gets, “Woah, tell Ellen to do something about it. Build another fucking toilet or something!” 

He hears her giggle behind him as he scrubs away at the floor, thinking that it’s a fucking beautiful sound. 

    Y/N wonders why Dean does it. A man with his power, with his money, is cleaning off piss from the floor of a dingy bar. She can’t help but giggle at the image in front of her. 

Standing back, she watches, watches his muscled backside moving, watches the tense in his forearm. Watches the firm ass in his dress pants, and she feels blood rushing up to her cheeks. 

Fuck. She should not be thinking that about someone she’s paid to get close to. Because after all, that’s the truth and her real job. She’s paid to find out more about him. And somehow, she thinks, she might find out more about Dean than she sets herself out to. If he’d let her, that is. But right now, she thinks that she’s doing quite alright.

When Dean finishes, his face beams with pride. “So, can we get back to that drink?” He asks, when she takes the bucket from him and rolls it towards the sink attached to the bar. 

She lifts it up and empties the dirty water into it while Dean sits back on his bar stool and watches her with some kind of admiration. Why? Did he really think that she couldn’t lift a fucking bucket of water? It’s not that hard. She went through worse in training. 

Y/N wipes at the counter afterwards, sipping away at her drink while Dean pours himself another. It’s his..what? Fifth? Sixth? Not that she’s counting or anything, but he should really not be doing any driving in the near future. 

When she finishes wiping down the counter top, she washes her hand, and she steps back behind the counter opposite of Dean. 

“You should really drink up so I can go home and shower the stink of the night off me,” She’s feeling a bit woozy in the head, the whiskey clearly fucked up her brain because how else could she explain what she just said. She’s normally not the one to reveal too much, but also she’s usually not the one who drinks, so there’s that. Normally she’d have a beer or a glass of wine in the span of an hour or so, her body can take that, but not whiskey. She’s not made for drinking too much alcohol, she guesses. 

“Now that’s an image that I’ll never get out of my head,” He says easy, his eyes looking straight at her and there’s a smirk. 

He teases her, she thinks, right?  

“I take it, it’s my cue to go,” He clears his throat, tips the glass to his lips and throws his head back. His Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, and she bites down on her bottom lip, thinks how nice his throat looks. 

Ugh.

“I’m sorry but I’m really tired,” She apologizes and Dean waves her off.

“It’s my fault. I kept you from going home. So,” He says, putting his jacket back on, “Say, do you want to wake up Ash or shall I?” 

“Shit, Ash.” 

“Let me,” Dean smiles, walking back behind the bar and takes a pint from the stack, fills it at the tap with cold water. He sticks his tongue out, resting it at the corner of his lips while he laughs to himself and she thinks that it’s fucking cute, even though she should not be thinking that. At all.

Dean winks before he walks over to the pool table, “Fire! Fire!” Dean yells, his voice rough and loud as he empties the pint on Ash’s face, making the other man jolt up with a scream. 

They were both laughing and Dean tips his head back, his hand hugging his belly. 

“What the fuck, Dean!” Ash is heard saying as he hops off the table, “Y/N! You let him do that to me? Really? And I really liked you!”

“I’m sorry!” She says, still laughing hard. 

Dean grabs Ash around his shoulders and walks him to the back of the bar, where Ash has a room. “Let’s get you to bed, buddy. And hey, I need you to get back to Cas as soon as you’re sober, alright?” Dean winks at her before setting the glass back on the counter and continues to walk Ash to the back door. “Good night!” He yells before Ash mumbled some curse words and Dean returns back to the bar counter. 

So, Ash is working for him too? She wonders what he’s doing. She should be able to find a night where Ash’s passed out so she could sneak into his room. 

Dean walks to the exit and holds the door open, looking back at her, “You coming?” 

“What.. oh, yeah, yeah.” She loses her apron, grabs her bag from under the sink, switches off the light at the main switch and hurries to Dean.

He steps aside to let her lock up. 

“I’ll walk you to the car,” He says and she can see that Dean has parked right at the front of the bar while she parked it way in the back. 

She finds it a little amusing that he thinks that she needs to be protected. Wonders, what he would think if he knew who she really was.

“You’re not going to drive, are you?” She asks as they arrive at her car, and she can’t believe why she asked, why she even cares.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about that.” He’s grinning, amused that she’s worried. 

“I mean, I could drive you, just tell me where.” 

Dean huffs out a laugh, “If I tell you where I live, I’d have to kill you.” 

“Oh.” 

He flinches, thinking she didn’t get the joke but she did. She’s just bummed that he won’t let her find out where he really lives because that would make her stay here so much shorter, it would be over so quick and she partly doesn’t really know if she’d want that. 

“I’m joking, it’s a joke, you know… if I tell you I have to kill you? You get it?” He tries to explain and she laughs, because yeah, she has to, hopes he doesn’t notice that it’s somewhat fake. 

“Anyway, thanks.” She says and unlocks her car.

Dean’s still standing there. Unmoved. It’s as if he wants to say something. She waits but when Dean doesn’t make an effort of saying anything, she opens the door to her car. 

“Y/N?” 

“Yeah?” She has to hold back her grin. 

“Sam, my brother, is having a party. He’s opening his own law firm and I don’t even know if you have dresses or if you’d be interested but,” Y/N can see him taking a deep breath, as if it’s really hard for him to say those things, “I was wondering if you would want to come?”

“Uh.. I don’t know? Um...yeah, why not?” 

“Great,” He smiles so bright and wide and his chest heaves, as he stands just a little straighter, “I’ll let you know the details as soon as he figures it out.” 

“Like, do I really need to wear a dress?” She asks, because she hasn’t worn a dress in years and she doesn’t even know if the ones she has would still fit her. 

“Don’t worry about that,” He grins and it’s that cocky grin again. Something she can’t really read. It’s as if he’s planning something but she doesn’t quite know what, “Right, I don’t wanna hold you up from your shower.”

Dean steps back, and Y/N nods as she gets into the car. He waits for her to settle, his hand on the door of her car. 

“I just wanna add that you’ve brightened up my night, Y/N. Thanks for that.” There’s a smile on the corner of his lips when he closes the car door for her.

CH.04

[castielstiddies]

Okay so I'm balling over this goddamn song and destiel and I need to let you all know why so here it is: An Analysis of the Lyrics and Why They Fit Destiel Perfectly.

I just want to point out that Andrew Rannells (Whizzer) and Christian Borle (Marvin) perform this perfectly and I love them.

This is a very long post so be warned before you press that button.

It's important to have context so we can connect these two pairings together properly and bring more meaning out of this song like it deserves. So the main part of the synopsis says:

"Marvin, after Whizzer’s death, reflects on their relationship and how loving Whizzer has changed his life. Whizzer’s spirit come back, dressed as he was in the first scene, both commenting on how they changed each others lives and on the future they were robbed of."

Now let me just change some words here and we'll see how we all feel:

"Dean, after Cas’s death, reflects on their relationship and how loving Cas has changed his life. Cas’s spirit come back, dressed in his trenchcoat, both commenting on how they changed each others lives and on the future they were robbed of."

Are you crying yet? Don't worry we haven't even seen the lyrics yet.

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"[MARVIN]" Now I'd like to start off by saying that Marvin has been with both men and women and he's struggled with his own internalized homophobia and has found it difficult to openly love Whizzer throughout the show. The parallels are clear between Marvin and Dean.

"What would I do If I had not met you?" You can think of this two ways. One - What would Dean have done if Cas had not met him in Hell and saved him? Still getting tortured or more likely torturing others, an experience that he hated and wished to never live through again. The second (and I think better) way to think of this line is, when Dean met Cas on earth. How meeting Cas changed his life forever, opening him up to a whole new world of having someone who thought that he deserved to be saved and who gave up an entire army for him. Who proved his love and loyalty to him time and time again. So what would Dean have done if he had never met Cas on Earth? What if Cas never reached out to him after saving Dean from Hell? A little bit later in this verse Marvin sings...

"There are no answers"

...in regards to this question. Because there really are no answers to what would Dean have done without Cas because we simply can't imagine it. The same goes for Dean. Cas has changed his life so much that it's impossible to imagine what his life would be like without Cas.

"Who would I blame my life on?" When Christian Borle delivers this line on stage it's said with a small, sad laugh. Similar to how Dean uses humour to hide his feelings, Marvin does too.

"Once I was told That all men get what they deserve Who the hell then threw this curve?" Despite everything Cas has done wrong, Dean and all of us know that Cas did not get what he deserved when the Empty took him. We believe he deserved to be happy with Dean and Dean thinks so too.

"There are no answers But who would I be If you had not been my friend?" The word 'friend' here is what really ties it to Dean for me because they were friends first, they helped eachother through thick and thin before love started to seep in as well. Sure there was attraction from the beginning but it's about the fact that Dean's only shown to have one true, close best friend, and that's Cas.

"You're the only one One out of a thousand others Only one my child would allow" Alright so this line I did struggle to link to destiel, I was thinking about Jack and Claire but they're Cas's children. But what if we think of the 'child' as Sam. Dean raised Sam so it's easy to see him as his 'child' and it's important to Dean that Sam accepts the people that he's friends with. This is even more important with Cas because Dean may want to have a relationship with him in the future and also Cas lives in the bunker... with them. Dean definitaly needs Sam's permission if he wants Cas to live in their home. It's clear that Cas and Sam are the people Dean cares about the most and to have Sam 'allow' Cas to stay in their home and share their space is something that's really important to Dean.

"When I'm having fun You're the one I wanna talk to" Cue every gif of Dean smiling while hanging out with Cas or talking to Cas over the phone.

"Where have you been?" Where has Cas been for all of Dean's life? He completes Dean, builds up his self-confidence and assures him that he is wanted, needed and important. Just where has Cas been for all of Dean's life?

"Where are you now? So on this note there's a beautiful key change into the next part and it just makes it so much more profound. (Also Dean has no gosh darn clue where Cas is, who tf is the Empty?)

"Who would I be If I had not loved you?" This moment is fucking beautiful. It's Dean finally speaking his truth and telling Cas, wherever he is, that he loved him. He loved Cas and that changed him for the better, made him into the person he is today.

"How would I know what love is?" Dean has never been told so openly and honestly by anyone about how he is important, he's worthwhile and that he deserves to live a happy and full life, no one has done that besides Cas. No one has shown their loyalty and love to him in the most blatant and profound ways possible, giving up an entire army, rebelling against their own family, sticking by his side no matter what. Staying. How would Dean know what true love is without Cas constantly showing him what love means and what it feels like be loved fully and truly. Of course Dean has experienced love before, he's been in at least 2 other relationships (that I can think of off of the top of my head) but he's never felt love like the way he does with Cas.

"God only knows, too soon I'll remember your faults Meanwhile, though, it's tears and schmaltz" Of course as Dean relives memories of Cas, he'll be reminded of all of his faults, all of the things he did wrong even when he thought that what he was doing was right (Leviathians, Lucifer). But for now, Dean will breakdown and cry and grieve but most of all he'll remember Cas and how much he loved him.

"[WHIZZER]" Alright so Whizzer is a character who has never been shy about his sexuality, about how much he likes being with men. Similar to Cas who simply doesn't understand why people hide who they're attracted to until Dean came along and taught him differently.

"All your life you've wanted men" I like to think that this line applies to both Cas and Dean and I'll explore that with the next two lines.

"And when you got it up to have them Who knew it could end your life?" This is getting a bit meta now. When Dean was so very close to finally speaking his truth on screen, he died. (And in some versions he does speak his truth but that's another story). There was no reason for Dean to die in the finale, who knew that when he finally shared that he loved another man he would be killed for no reason two episodes later.

This line can also be in reference to Cas's experience. When Cas was finally able to tell Dean that he loved him, when he finally gained to courage to not only share his feelings but also to have his happiness ripped away from him, he died. Dean and Cas both knew what was going to happen when Cas said those words. It wasn't a surprise, yet it still felt like one.

"[MARVIN] I left my kid and left my wife" This is the moment when I could not stop crying and thinking about destiel when listening to this song. Dean left Lisa and (totally not) his son in season 5.

"To be with you" Of course it's a little bit of a stretch to say that Dean left Lisa and Ben solely for Cas (expecially since I think Dean realised his love for Cas in Season 7-8 so the timeline wouldn't make sense for me) but I like to think of this line from the perspective of Dean grieving Cas and looking back on how Cas changed his life. Of course he would remember that he left Lisa and Ben in order to be with Cas because that was 10 years ago and the memory is now muddled with grief, time and his now unwavering love for Cas. "To be insulted by such handsome men" This line just reminds me of the scene in the car when Cas and Dean are arguing (you know what I'm on about)

"[WHIZZER] Do you regret—?" Cas is asking Dean, do you regret loving me? Do you regret letting me into your life? Do you regret our friendship? It's beautiful to think that Cas feels vulnerable in this moment, he thinks that Dean regrets letting him into his life.

"[MARVIN] I'd do it again I'd like to believe that I'd do it again And again and again..." Now Dean's the one to build Cas back up, to assure him that he does not regret a thing. He's building up Cas's confidence and supporting him just like Cas has been doing for Dean.

"And What more can I say? [WHIZZER] What more can I say?" They're both lost for words, what do they say now? They know that they love eachother and they know that they won't be able to be together because of Cas's deal. What do you say in that situation?

"[MARVIN] How am I to face tomorrow?" Dean still has to continue living, without Cas. In 15x19 he's drowning himself in beer as he grieves the loss of Cas. How can he face tomorrow after Cas has confessed his love for him and then died in a matter of minutes? How can he face tomorrow knowing that saying that he loves Dean, that by having Dean know that someone loves him, is the happiest moment Cas has ever felt?

"[BOTH] After being screwed out of today" Haha screw...

"Tell me what's in store" They're still looking to eachother for guidance and support despite the distance between them.

"[MARVIN] Yes, I'd beg or steal or borrow" Dean's turning to things that he can control in order to deal with his grief. Despite the finale ending I think it's widely accepted in the Destiel fandom that Dean would work night and day until he got Cas back from the empty.

"If I could hold you for One hour more [WHIZZER] One hour more [MARVIN] One hour more [WHIZZER] One hour more [BOTH] One hour, one hour more" Now that they know that they both love eachother, that they could have had everything they wanted if they just told one another. They're begging all of the higher powers that there are that they could enjoy what could have been for one hour. Simply relishing in the fact that they are happy and in love and that they are both wanted.

"[MARVIN] What would I do [WHIZZER] What would I do [MARVIN] If I had not seen you? [WHIZZER] If I had not seen you? [BOTH] Who would I feast my eyes on?" Once again I'm just thinking about the idea of that 'one hour more' and how they would constantly compliment one another and freely look at each other without shame or embarrassment and to just allow themselves to have everything that they wanted.

"Once I was told That good men get better with age [MARVIN] We're just gonna skip that stage" This can be seen two ways, one is that Cas simply cannot age and Dean is once again using humour to hide his grief. Or my favourite version which is that Dean never got to grow old with Cas, (I strongly believe that Cas would allow his vessel to grow old with Dean). Dean wanted to live a normal life, he wanted to get a job and stop hunting but most of all he wanted to grow old with Cas.

If you watch the live version of this song here: https://youtu.be/ZscL4LOLP7Y

You'll hear how Christian Borle's voice cracks when delivering this line. The rest of the lyrics are repeats of lines that I've already covered.

And I'm done boys. Thank you for sticking with this very very long post but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I highly recommend watching Falsettos for yourself if you want to get a better insight into how Marvin/Whizzer and Destiel compare or if you just like the look of it.

[i-loves-my-lemurs]

Fanfic writer's director's commentary! Thanks to @candycoloredwolf for the ask! I chose to talk about my first panchulien oneshot 'Wanna Dance?'. I wrote it in a single night on impulse so there's a few grammar mistakes and other stuff I noticed upon revisiting it.

I probably went way overboard on my commentary (oops) but it was so much fun going through it all. I hope this is entertaining.

.............

*the crocodile ambassador gave him an unusually soft smile.*

After everything that's happened in the show, I feel like the croc ambassador would have warmed up to Julien quite a bit and come to respect him as a leader. Also he's trying to butter Julien up before complaining about one of his subjects.

*provided they were on their best behaviour. It had said on the invitation that it was a 'sophisticated' event, so Maurice had managed to wrangle all of the lemurs into formal wear, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, dancing in pairs to the soft music*

Man, I just love it when characters dress up in fancy outfits and go dancing together (like in the prom episode). One of my favourite tropes in fact, so I just had to throw it in there!

*but still all this fancy partnered dancing wasn't entirely to the ringtail's taste.*

As much as I like the formal dancing stuff, it wouldn't be something Julien would enjoy, so he's already looking for an excuse to bounce and throw his own afterparty. He's only stayed so far to try and be polite and improve relations between their kingdoms or something else that Maurice told him to do.

*Clover, Sage and the rest of the mountain lemur kingdom was there, and the king and queen were happily sharing a waltz. Maurice was dancing with his sister while Prince Brodney was teaching their children the steps*

This takes place after the show's finale, but without the inclusion of the zoosters, so sort of like a parallel universe? Where Julien and Clover are monarchs together, which I think is neat. Also People tend to forget that Maurice has a sister, myself included really, and I kinda wish they'd had more cute bonding moments, so I gave then a brother/sister dance.

*even Pancho was leaning against a tree*

Aside from the main squad (excluding Mort of course) Pancho is the only minor lemur that Julien really mentions here. Almost like he was looking for him specifically. Hmmm....

*He caught Julien's eye and winked. Julien chuckled fondly.*

Casual flirt.

*"I do have a minor issue with the behaviour of one of your, ahem, subjects*

That little cough just feels like something the croc ambassador would do when he's embarrassed, or to sound authoritative, so he did.

*Julien tore his eyes away from Pancho*

"Tore his eyes away" almost like he didnt want to look away. Hmmm...

*The anxious lemur was currently giggling as he twirled his new boyfriend around*

Ah, I just want Willie to be happy and have a good time with his bf. He deserves to laugh more. New boyfriend infers that they're in the early stages of their relationship, so they're just messing around being silly and cute and having fun together.

*but Horst and Mary Ann weren't doing much better.*

Horst and Mary Ann deserve a nice romantic dance. It would be pretty awkward because she's twice his size and can only really walk on all fours, but they don't even care. They just cut their own path through the dance floor and ignore everyone else, no matter how annoyed the other dancers are because they keep getting in the way.

*"Well, they're both males!" He said. "It's completely unnatural, wouldn't you agree?"*

Oof, the croc ambassador wants that snooty monarch solidarity with Julien since he's the most popular king in Madagascar, but that ain't happening any time soon. Not with that attitude!

*Julien was lost for words. He had known ever since he was young that he liked boys. Every male in the kingdom liked boys! In fact, it was considered a little unusual if you WEREN'T interested in the same gender.*

I like the idea that homosexuality is just the norm in the party kingdom, kinda like She-Ra. People are just gay and nobody thinks anything of it and coming out is celebrated. Julien doesn't care if you're gay or straight though, he just cares for his peeps and wants them to love who they love.

*whatever their genders were*

A subtle difference between Julien and the croc ambassador, Julien says 'genders' while croc ambassador says 'sexes' because Julien is more open to the idea of gender not being confined to biology.

*Julien took a few deep breaths and tried desperately to not get angry.

"What's the problem man, they're just dancing." He remarked in what he hoped was a neutral tone.*

Julien tries to keep his cool here, a bit of his character development showing. He now knows that everything doesnt have to be a scene, so keeps his temper. It's also kind of to protect Willie and his partner though. He knows they're having a good time and he doesn't want to bring to their attention that their host doesn't like what they're doing, because he knows they'll be upset.

 *"rather not have it ruined by such atrocities being committed!"*

And this was the point where I started to hate the croc ambassador too while writing.

*"Oh, hey Julio." Pancho smiled at him. "I was just gonna-"*

Pancho was just gonna say that he was bored with the party and wanted to leave. He would have asked if Julien wanted to come with (he could tell Julio was getting bored and he couldn't have THAT), which would have been a different fanfiction entirely.

*"Wanna dance?" Julien said.*

I honestly can't remember if I thought of the title or this line first.

*He considered sticking his tongue out at the reptile's back, but ultimately decided that such a juvenile display wasn't the best way to get his point across.*

Again, character development. Julien has matured (a little) and realised that there are better, more fulfilling ways of getting revenge.

*"OK." Pancho said with a shrug, and slid his paw over to Julien's waist,*

Once Pancho can mentally catch up with what's going on, he rolls with it. In fact, he sorta likes the idea of dancing with Julien, and had been trying to gather the courage to ask him for most of the night. I wonder why...

*As they danced though, he began to feel his attention drawn to a different place: how smooth Pancho was on the dance floor,*

We all know Julien's attention span is not great, so there's no way he's going to be able to stay angry when he's too busy being distracted by Pancho's smoothness.

*He raised an eyebrow. "You just couldn't resist?"*

Not entirely subtle flirt.

*"But you know, you're not a bad pick." He patted Pancho on the arm.*

Not entirely subtle either flirt.

*"Abner over there's been missing steps and stumbling all night!" He glanced over at Abner and his wife with a small frown.*

Poor Abner, he's the one getting picked on tonight. Bit of a running gag here.

*Pancho's eyes widened and he instinctively pulled Julien closer, whether it was to shield him or to further prove the point, Julien couldn't tell, but the ringtail wasn't complaining.*

Pancho does pull Julien closer on instinct to protect him, he knows how badly homophobia would hurt Julien's feelings. Julien is just loving it though. He was more angry for Willie's sake than hurt anyways.

*"But us lemurs dance with guys all the time!" Pancho exclaimed. "I've seen you kiss four different guys at a party once! What's his problem?"

"That's what I'm saying, wait I did what?"*

Even if they weren't a couple, dancing together is just something the males would do. They're that casual. And of course Julien would go around kissing everybody at his parties when he gets drunk enough. Poor Julien doesnt remember half of what he does at parties though.

*"Oh no, I don't mind." Pancho remarked, then cleared his throat awkwardly, looking away.*

Awkward silence much? Internally Pancho is just screaming *why did you say that?!" because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings right now, especially not with Julien so close.

(For any other ballroom dance enthusiasts, what they're dancing would be a mix between a waltz and a slow dance. Like a casual, less fancy waltz that's quite easy for them to get the hang of, but still quite romantic and personal).

*"You know Julio, I don't think he's gonna notice." Pancho remarked.*

But eventually Pancho plucks up the courage. They're already dancing, he tells himself. And Julien just wants to make the crocodile ambassador mad. Julien kisses people platonically all the time so he won't question it. If he doesnt like it, say you were doing it to piss off the crocodiles. And if he does like it... well...

*"Well, I had an idea." Pancho was avoiding his gaze again."*

He's still nervous of course, but he's made up his mind. It's all or nothing, baby!

*"Lay it on me." Julien said.*

And he does! Literally!

*And holy Sky Gods.*

I was tempted to have this line be 'holy crap' or 'holy sh*t' because that's what I would say idk but holy sky gods just works better for the show's lore, and allows the story to keep a G rating.

*All thoughts of spiting the crocodile ambassador had been fully driven from his mind*

Julien just gets so caught up in the moment, he's all "what crocodile ambassador?" he just wants to keep kissing.

*Julien stroked his paw through Pancho's soft fur and deepened their kiss.*

I imagine Pancho's fur would be very soft, he's always playing around with explosives so he's bound to get his fur burnt off every now and then, and it grows back softer.

This was the first time I wrote the lemurs kissing, so it's not the most explicit thing in the world. I probably couldn't write an explicit kiss scene to save my life though.

*"Hoo-ah." Pancho sighed softly.*

Hoo-ah" is exactly what Pancho would say after having his mind blown by a kiss like that. Just no thoughts, head Julien.

*"Yeah, crocodile ambassador certainly thinks so." Pancho said, a wild grin overcoming his face*

Heh heh, Pancho's happy because he just got to kiss his crush (and he liked it!) But also because he can see the croc ambassador is pissed and he loves the opportunity to mess.

*some looking angry, some looking intrigued*

Some of the crocs are intrigued because they've never been able to be open about who they are or experiment because of compulsory heterosexuality in their kingdom. Seeing two guys just being so open about their attraction to each other would definitely help them rethink things. They've never seen gay love expressed like this and it's new and exciting.

*Julien's face broke out into an ecstatic grin.

"Yeah that's right!" He called wildly. "I kissed a guy! At your party! Boom, I like kissing guys! Ha, suck on that loser! Woohoo!"*

Oh the sweet triumph of proving a point. This rant was a joy to write, it just feels very Julien.

*He grabbed Pancho's hand and held it up.*

Grab your boyfriend's hand, hold it aloft like a prize.

*"I'm like ninety percent sure Ted likes kissing guys!"*

Haha, poor Teddy needs to be extracted from the closet, pronto. Julien just has an excellent gaydar.

* and tucked a protective arm around his daughter's shoulders, turning her away from Julien.*

I imagine princess Amy would have some questions after this, questions which her father would definitley struggle to answer. If she really wants to find out what Pancho and Julien were doing, I imagine she'd visit the party kingdom alone, and the lemurs would be happy to answer her questions. Pancho and Julien may have ushered in a new era for the crocodile kingdom and their relationship with LGBT+.

*There came a cheer from the crowd of lemurs and they all began to head off the dance floor*

Of course the other lemurs go with Julien immediately, he's their king after all and the moment he suggests that someone might not be cool with their sexualities, they're ready to bounce.

*Clover and Sage at the front hand in hand,*

Clover and Sage would definitley be behind Julien 100%. The moment he declares that they're out of there, they just drop everything to leave with him.

*some mountain lemur ladies holding hands too.*

Mountain lemur lesbians? Anyone? I just think it's neat.

*"You read my mind, Julio."

Julien pulled Pancho towards him and tried to ignore how it felt like there was a little party going on in his stomach when Pancho called him that.*

Julien really likes that name! I see it as an affectionate nickname Pancho gave him that eventually just evolves into a pet name that makes Julien a little warm and fuzzy inside every time he hears it.

*Julien's heart leapt with joy to see Willie clutching his boyfriend's hands as they danced.*

Daaaww, Julien might pick on Willie but at the end of the day he likes to see him happy. He's glad they don't have to stay at a party where their dancing is scrutinised.

*Pancho rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly as they stood face to face. "I'm sorry about kissing you, I just-"*

Now that there's some distance between them, Pancho has had time to think and wonder "oh sheesh, what if I messed it up, what if he only felt like it was platonic" and he's now all embarrassed, poor leem. He's just a guy in love.

*He nodded, then cleared his throat in an attempt to get a grip on his emotions. "You know, um, while we were dancing*

And now we see Julien trying to hold it together, these two are just so precious and I can totally see them stumbling over their feelings like that.

*kissed Pancho on the forehead, giggling slightly at the other lemur's squeak of surprise.*

Pancho is the perfect height for affectionate forehead kisses, let's not forget it!

*Pancho and Julien headed onto the dancefloor together and moved their bodies to the beat.*

They would have spent the night together just dancing and vibing (and making out probably).

*Nobody there who gave them the stink-eye or who told them that they were wrong. They danced and had fun and kissed without a care in the world. Julien felt so happy that his kingdom was a place where he could kiss Pancho all he liked.*

Ah I really went to town on the "love is love" concept here, didn't I? Well, a theme is a theme.

Julien's just really happy at the place he's created. He's glad they can dance and kiss and all that jazz, and he did that, he created a kingdom free of prejudice. It's exactly how I can see the kingdom's relationship with LGBT+ going down, a place where they're all just happy to vibe and be themselves.

.........

And that's the end. I hope you enjoyed this premium insight into my writings, and if you want commentary on another of my stories, or just have random questions, then my inbox is always open :)

[not-your-housekeeper98]

That’s What Family Does

I finally got myself together and wrote another Supernatural fic! It’s reader insert which I usually hate, but it just worked out this way. I hope you all like it! Feel free to comment:)

AO3 link

Fanfiction.net

I’ve also decided to put the story under the keep reading in case someone prefers to read it on tumblr.

That's What Family Does Set shortly after the angels fall, this is a small glimpse into my version of events.

You tried so hard to focus on what Sam was saying. You knew this was an important meeting but this angel war had gone on for what felt like an eternity. You wanted to help in anyway you could but some sleep might be nice once in awhile. His voice droned on about strategy and battle positions. Occasionally someone interjected, but you couldn't focus. You were snapped out of your daydream when your name was called. Sam was giving you your assignment. You weren't really much of a fighter, in fact you had signed on in more of a nursing capacity, but this was an all hands on deck situation.

Sam continued, "I know you don't have any battle experience, but we do need a defender for the gap in the north fence. It is highly unlikely anyone will come at us from that angle, but we need all our bases covered. Call out if you have any trouble, we don't want you to get injured"

You nodded and Sam's voice went back to being background noise. The fence he had referred to ran around the farm buildings they were holed up in. Although they were dilapidated and falling apart, they had unique tactical advantages which made them as secure as a fortress.  For one thing, it was difficult to approach without being seen due to the lack of good cover. For another thing, the buildings though damaged were solid. Built of stones meant to last a long time, they were nearly impenetrable by gunfire. The fence itself in most places was a stone wall . Time however, had done its work, and it was falling apart in many places. It was one of these gaps that I had been assigned to defend. It was highly unlikely I would see any action there because the land ended in a cliff some two hundred yards ahead. Sam was right, no one would try to come that way.

Your thoughts shifted to the war itself. After the angels fell, they quickly took sides, each bitterly opposed to the other, and each with their own plan to get back to heaven. At this point they had united to form two main groups. One was convinced the answer was revenge, if they could capture and torture the angel responsible, he could get them back to heaven, or at the very least they might have a bargaining chip with Metatron. The other group consisted of the so-called angel responsible and his followers, who were working to find a more practical solution with the help of the Winchester brothers. The angel of course was Castiel, and it was clear to everyone that he and the brothers had a special relationship and were supremely loyal to each other. There had been some dissent at first when they joined the team, but the angels quickly realized that having humans on their side in a war fought on earth was actually useful. Many had even grown quite fond of them. It was a common sight to see a few angels watching curiously as Dean fiddled with his beloved car, humming all the while. Some had even garnered the courage to ask him questions about the impala, which he answered good-naturedly, amused by their interest. Sam was different, quiet and reserved, but with a firm strength that made him a natural leader. The angels grew to look up to him. Castiel was your favorite. You could see the pain and guilt that he tried to hide from everyone. This wasn't his fault but that made no difference to him. So many angels had died and the rest were suffering, lost in an unknown world with no way of getting home. But there was something more, a weariness about his eyes now that you couldn't understand. Everyone was tired, but this was different. You shrugged internally and tried to pay attention as the meeting wrapped up.

You were in an interesting position, not an angel nor a hunter, but the sibling of one. He had been killed on a hunt with the Winchesters right before this angel situation took a turn for the worse. You were devastated, but not altogether unprepared, this happened often to hunters. He was the last of your family and you had nowhere to go. The Winchesters agreed to let you tag along for awhile and learn the ropes, then Castiel had showed up one day and asked for help. You had quickly proven yourself to be very capable at patching up the wounded, thanks to the years of experience with your brother, and were officially a member of the team. You had even been put in charge of training some angels to assist you in the infirmary.

You walked over to your post slowly, kicking at stones in your path, still lost in thought, planning what you would do if you were attacked. A heavy stillness filled the air, grey clouds covered the sky adding to the oppressiveness of nature. It was hot without even a breeze to move the still trees. Looking around you, you saw angels taking up defensive positions at the most likely points of attack, crouching, angel blades drawn awaiting battle. You pulled yours out and felt its weight. You contemplated running it into another living being and shuddered, maybe this wasn't the life for you. At this juncture you reached the north wall. Sitting on one of the fallen stones, you prepared for a long wait.

It wasn't long before you heard shouts and cries from the other end of the compound. The battle had begun in earnest and as you heard the anguished cries of injured angels you fervently hoped it wasn't anyone you knew and loved. Distracted by the clash of blades you didn't see the flash of light ahead, but you did feel the breeze. Turning around, you saw an angel grinning, holding his blade aloft. You jumped up and froze in terror. The angel came closer still grinning.

"What did you do to get this spot" he laughed a coarse laugh.

You couldn't speak.

"My brothers are now sending puny humans to do their dirty work for them," his eyes glowed blue, "they don't care about you, they just want to go home."

You gained the strength to stumble back a few steps, your blade dropped with a clatter.

"You know, I might just enjoy killing you, watching the fear in your eyes and despair when you realize no one will come to save you. No one," he spat out, "you will die alone, except for me of course."

A second light appeared beside you. It was Castiel, disheveled, gripping the wall tightly, blood trickling from his nose, but glowing with power. His bright eyes met yours.

"Run."

He drew his blade, "get out of here, go."

As if a spell had been broken you ran to find Sam and Dean. Casting a glance over your shoulder you saw the angels fighting fiercely. Tripping over stones on the path you ran smack into Dean.

"Woah, woah, you okay?" Dean grabbed your shoulders, looking you over for injuries.

"No, no, it's Cas, he needs help...the north wall...please you have to hurry--"

Dean understood and handing you off to Sam who had just arrived on the scene, beckoned to several angels who headed off with him towards the way you had just come. You were sobbing as Sam, holding you tight, led you towards the main house. He settled you on the couch and handed you a glass of water. He sat next to you and you buried your head in his shoulder. He stroked you hair waiting for you to calm down enough to talk. Eventually you told him everything.

"I should have done something, fought him off or screamed for help, something. Now Cas is probably..." You trailed off as your eyes filled with tears again.

Sam looked worried but spoke reassuringly. "This wasn't your fault, if anything it was mine leaving you defenseless like that. I'm sorry and won't do that to you ever again. And don't worry about Cas, he's tough."

Sam was interrupted by Dean in the doorway. His shoulders were slumped forward and his whole demeanor spoke of exhaustion and distress.

"We're going to need some medical help," he said quietly, then made for the infirmary.

You choked back your tears. This was your area of expertise after all and you must keep it together no matter what had happened. Straightening up, you followed Sam and Dean. The infirmary was full, mostly minor injuries you noted with relief. The angels you had trained in first aid were handling things nicely. What drew your attention was a bloody, still form lying on a bed in the back.  Castiel appeared unconscious, ugly bruises were forming on his face and one eye appeared swelled shut, but the most pressing concern seemed to be a deep stab wound in his side and several lighter gashes across his chest. You swallowed hard and switched into emergency mode.

"I need gauze, lots of it and a suture kit, oh and some pain killers" you said as you grabbed a bandage from a nearby table and pressed down hard on the stab wound. Around you, people jumped to action. Under your hands Cas groaned, his back arching in pain as he tried to slide away from you. Dean stepped forward to hold him down and spoke soothingly. You couldn't hear what he was saying, but Cas seemed to understand and relaxed somewhat. You smiled gratefully at Dean and gave your full attention to stopping the bleeding. Sam appeared at your side with the necessary items and ripping open Cas's shirt, began to clean and sew up the other wounds. You cleaned and packed the stab wound, then taped a bandage on top. During these ministrations Cas remained mostly conscious, as his agonized screams attested. Eventually, you finished and got some painkillers and antibiotics in him. His were eyes closed and his face as pale as the sheets under him. Almost everyone else had been taken care of and the room was quiet.

"I'll stay with him for awhile in case he needs something, I'll let you know if anything changes," you said. Sam and Dean looked reluctant, but finally agreed.

Alone with Castiel, you studied him carefully. The lines of pain slowly eased from his face as the painkillers began to take effect. You held his hand, rubbing soothing circles with your thumb as you watched his chest rise and fall. You thought back to the angel who had threatened you. *He was wrong, so wrong. They do care about me, Cas cares about me. He was willing to risk death to save me, someone he hardly knows.* You thought that maybe you had found a family at last.

You woke up sometime later to find Cas's blue eyes looking into yours.

"Cas, you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"I've been better, but I'll heal." He attempted a chuckle then quickly changed his mind and he cringed in pain.

"I'll get you some more painkillers," you said and fumbled around on the shelves until you found what you were looking for. You helped him take the pills then you both settled to your original positions.

"I want to thank you," you faltered, "you saved my life a-and I don't think I could ever repay you." You dashed away the tears that had formed.

'I think we're even, you did save mine after all." Cas took your hand, "we're family and that's what family does. I should know, I've been saved by the Winchesters more times then I can count."

You laid your head down next to his and he wiped away a lingering tear. You felt safe, and somehow you knew you would all get through this, together, as a family.

[tobythewise]

Square filled: Rockstar!Cas

Ship: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Rating: General

Summary: Dean can’t take being in the shadow and watching Cas be with groupies and other people anymore. Will Cas be able to stop Dean from walking away? Or will Dean be the reason for the tears on Cas’s guitar?

Author Note: I’ve been watching Trolls with my son a lot lately and this song inspired this story! I hope you enjoy! :)

Written/Created for @spnaubingo

Dean pulls Castiel along by his shirt sleeve until they’re alone behind closed doors of Cas’s dressing room.

“We gotta talk, Cas.”

Cas stands unfazed and Dean takes to time to scan his face. He wants to memorize everything about Cas. His messy dark hair, his startling blue eyes, his angular jaw, the crinkles around his eyes. Everything he’s grown to love about his best friend.

“I’m leaving. This is the last show I’m helping with,” Dean blurts out. He knows if he doesn’t rip it like a bandaid he won’t have the guts to get everything out.

“I don’t understand,” Cas says slowly.

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m not happy, Cas. I’m so sick of living in everyone else’s shadow. It feels like no one sees me anymore. You’re busy with everything and I don’t fault you for that. You’re living your dream and I’m so happy for you, Cas. I really am, but I have to think about me for once. I dreamed of being with you up on stage and now I’m the sound guy. I’m the one who plugs in your mic and your guitar. I’m nobody.”

Cas tries to interject, “Dean, that’s not true.”

“It is. I’m the nobody that does the work that no one else feels like doing. But I would continuing doing it. I don’t mind the work. The works not even the real reason I have to go.”

“Then what is it? You can tell me, Dean.”

Dean takes a steadying breathe. “I can’t handle watching you hook up with random groupies anymore, Cas. I can’t handle being your wing man or comfort you when you get your heart broken. I don’t want to sit by and watch you go by without even looking at me! It’s like I’m invisible and I can’t do it anymore. I deserve to be seen. I deserve more.” Dean wipes a stray tear and looks right into his favorite blue eyes. “I love you. And that’s why I have to go. I can’t keep living in the shadows, waiting for you to notice me anymore. I can’t sit by and hope you’ll notice how unhappy I am.” Dean shakes his head. “This is my last show. I won’t be here when you get off stage.”

“Dean,” Cas tries but is interrupted by Gabriel’s arrival.

“Come on, Cassie. We gotta go.”

“One second, Gabe.”

“No can do, buckero. Gotta go now!”

Gabe grabs onto Cas’s sleeve and pulls his through the door. One last look at Dean with sad eyes and he’s gone.

Dean gives himself a few minutes to let everything sink in. He thought he’d feel relief to have finally gotten everything off his chest but in reality he feels worse. He feels like there’s a giant pit in his chest and he’s not sure anything will ever be able to fill it.

Dean walks to the side of the stage. He watches as Cas and the band perform. Dean’s mesmerized by Castiel’s performance just as always. He could watch his best friend sing and play his guitar for hours and of course he has.

They met in high school and were inseparable. When Cas got his big break, it was only logical that Dean would follow in anyway he could. Even if that meant being stage manager of all his shows. Dean didn’t mind being behind the scenes, he just wanted the undivided attention of one person.

Dean figured eventual Cas would realize he’s been here for him through all these years and all the ups and downs and realize he loved Dean back. Well, so much for that plan. Slowly, Dean was becoming less and less like himself. He’s felt grey in sea of color.

Well, no more! After this, he would figure out what makes him happy and do it. No more waiting around. Dean watches as the band finish up their last song. He begins walking away.

Dean walks through a few sets of doors until he’s in the hallway that leads to the parking lot. The stadium they’re in has a tv every few feet so everyone can watch the performance, even if they need to use the restroom or get concession. That’s how Dean notices that Cas is performing an encore. He stops and looks at the screen. He’s allowed to watch one last time, he reasons with himself.

He watches as Cas slowly walks out onto the stage and drags a stool and his acoustic guitar along with him. He sits down and adjusts the mic. When Dean hears Cas’s voice, he gets goosebumps.

“Thank you everybody for coming out today. I have one more song to perform for you tonight. This is a very special song.” Cas pauses and looks to the backstage where Dean normally sits and watches.

Dean stand frozen, eyes glued to the tv. What the hell is Cas doing, he wonders.

“I’ve had this song in my heart since I was a teenager and never had to guts to singing it out loud. Dean.”

Dean’s heart hammers in his chest as the camera zooms in. He feels like he’s standing right in front of Cas, eyes locked.

“Dean, if your still here. I’m sure you’ll recognize this song. I used to strum it and hum it all the time. This song is for you. I hope it will help you understand how I truly see you.”

Cas begins to strum his guitar and instantly Dean’s belly filled with butterflies. It’s the song that Cas has been working on since they were in high school. Now, apparently it finally has words.

“You with the sad eyes, don’t be discouraged. Oh I realize it’s hard to take courage, in a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small.”

Dean is stood in his spot. He can’t take his eyes off of Cas as he plucks the cords between verses. It’s beautiful.

“Show me a smile then, don’t be unhappy. Can’t remember when, I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ‘cause I will always be there.”

Dean feels his heart speed up and and his breathe feels trapped in his chest. Could it be possible that Cas feels the same. That his feelings could be returned. His eyes are glued to the man on the tv who he loves with all his heart and prays that this is real.

“And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you, Dean.”

Dean feels like his whole body is jolted with lightning. He can’t believe what he’s just heard. Before he can even understand what’s going on, he realizes he’s running. He can hear Cas’s voice float through the entire stadium but he just keeps his feet moving. He’s gotta get back.

Dean is at the door that leads to the backstage but when he goes to pull the door it doesn’t budge.

“Fuck!” It’s locked and he’s got no way of getting inside. Before he can get too far down in his gloomy mindset, the door flies open and Benny is standing there with a smile.

“Go on, brother. Go get your man.”

Dean pats Benny on the back as he runs past. Before he knows it, he’s standing at his usual place on the side of the stage. Dean can tell the beautiful song is coming to an end and he savors every last note. The sound of the guitar is becoming softer and softer and Cas’s voice is a beautiful whisper as he sings out the last lines.

“So don’t be afraid to let them show your true colors. True colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow. Mmm mmm.”

Cas finishes the song and makes his way off the stage with one last wave to the audience. Once he’s backstage he finally looks up and meets Dean’s eyes. He knows his eyes are filled with unshed tears but Dean doesn’t care. He just wants Cas.

Dean walks up to Cas and pulls him into a tight hug. “Is that really how you feel, Cas.”

Cas clears his throat and croaks out a, “Yes.”

Then they’re kissing and Dean isn’t sure why it took so long for this to happen but he doesn’t care. He’s just so freakin’ happy to be here in this moment. To have Cas in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. If I’d have known I would have said something sooner.”

“Shh, it’s okay, Cas. We’re here now. And I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I truly see you, Dean. I’m sorry I was slightly blind but I promise it won’t happen again.”

Dean smiles and is rewarded with the giant gummy grin he loves. “I see you, too. Now let’s head back to the tour bus before your groupies find you.”