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angstcollection · 4 years

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After some time, I’ve wondered why I become a mess once I have sought relationships filled with promises of love, understanding, and reasonable communication.

It turned into everything I wanted had to be and I disregarded what was happening in front of me, to the not caring enough and then turns out I came off like I didn’t care, to the giant turmoil of figuring out the toxic signs with a big hang up bent out on regrets.

As a strong believer of just knowing when to step aside or step up, is a big thing in the decision making world of your own.

My wonderful world, with love and intimacy in mind, is a ruler of my logical disputes within myself of how one goes about being outside of themselves. Other than their own desires how do they use it to what influences. Which option are they more likely to take based on recent events aside from their environmental development as a child, it’s a pattern or puzzle that I’ve obsessed myself with for years.

So with this one individual, I am afraid to let go with him because I don’t what high hopes brewing in my mind. There is an intensity that keeps me bogged down and then words confirm the terror within me.

My experiences are dull in the field of who I can recollect opening up to. I can be very cynical of other’s intentions. From the antics to the breaths they take, I indulge in the beauty of humanity.

I have registered love as a form of violence without passion and sex is my release of these deep seeded thoughts of if I’m even alive. It’s not a painful situation. It’s an epiphany of my fight to use this knowledge to guide, alert, and rebel against the forces to compromise on national standards.

This one knows.

This friend.

This situation.

This weird feeling whenever I feel them in my life.

I hate being accused by them in every part of my being. Especially in my view on them because I am terrified of being intimate with him due to my constant feel he wouldn’t ever care or love me more than I can love myself.

I’ve become vulnerable after being so afraid to be vulnerable for years and lift the chins of the warriors before me. I gobble up my moments of weaknesses and find my way of contributing, yet it depends on what field I am that will amount to success.

So what is this impression?

I guess I realize that he wants me to know he will not ever love me nor will love ever be on the table.

It’s tough to love a comrade that lies through their teeth in an attempt to conform. A reflection of what I use to crave at a young age, never seeking a husband but someone to kiss and have fun doing activities with. I don’t understand.

I didn’t care for the thought of companionship after I lost my virginity to be honest. Not one truth was heard beyond my desires and mindset of getting my money with my efforts, trades, charisma. I just needed good company and good dick to make for a decent love life and almost considered becoming asexual thanks to my solitude growing up.

Where I fucked up is that the experience that I got consumed is had a limit that I forgot to abide by.

So these impressions of me are interesting on the other side of the spectrum.

Drunk messages from a man who has ‘always’ been my friend for over 5 years, making these confessions that I overlooked because I chose not to believe him.

I chose to play the situation as I thought it was taken; just another sex game of enticement when shit was hitting the fan.

Everything becomes a blur when I’m around them, as if there is a flow where they see a new side of me from my perspective and yet, he doesn’t notice the antics I feel from an octave, alignment, vocabulary all the reveal a worthy excerpt of a desire.

What am I getting out of this?

Even when I am asked why I love them, the answer is diluted.

I love them because from the moment I’ve met them, they have been lively. Intoxication or not became less of a factor as long as outside world means were met. They worked, I worked, no IOUs, no heartbreak stories.

A movie, good conversations, and good intent.

Once I kept getting invited out, it felt weird to be treated nicely by a well-mannered, intelligent, and yet an alcoholic that has his eye on me for cuddles, laughs, and sex.

Another moment that caught me off guard was a kiss in front of a friend of his. I didn’t do that with fuck buddies nor fwb. Did he know that? I guess not.

Another moment turns into several of them of me being a shy mess with him, yet when other people would engage in conversation with me, it felt even more awkward.

These thoughts make this feel emotional from a different angle of how transparent I am of keeping my sex life in the down low.

I enjoy flirting and teasing; I’m not about it unless it’s a girls night and I get to hear their sex life too. So what is this impression that I am helplessly in love?

After I was ghosted, the friend became my boyfriend after several months of feeling nothing but a shell running on empty. I felt like I had done something wrong. As if what I asked or said or did at any level was the problem without a word from the only other one who could clear the air.

A little less than a year later...

I’m in a relationship where my concern became making money and starting my own business, I just didn’t know exactly what my niche was. Unfortunately I moved in with said friend/bf 3 months after dating and ended being foolish enough to let him move in thinking, this is my life & I didn’t expect to ever see him again.

Soon the confusion began. All I care to recap in this is that for 2 years, I have never felt so much in my entire life. My only focus was being a good friend while my said bf just wanted his advantages of just picking and choosing the strength of any situation for his ego. I was on a crazy verge of regretting the moment I let myself get talked into dating someone being nice to me.

I actually thought it might’ve been what I needed to move on since, again, my mind was set.

**the memory of them getting mad at me for finishing my anime episode rather than having sex once they finished their online gameplay. Even tho I then came back with giving them a blowjob after, I got shunned.**Oct 2014**

Back to the new highlight of now them coming over to my home to pick up almost weekly, started a relationship in front of me, attempted to stay with her for the same amount of time, they fought mainly over his drinking or antics, whatever is whatever because they can surely grow out of it.

I had my shit to focus on.

Then it all got confusing again when he would drink and would love to get my mouth shut every chance he could. It was an interesting reaction to my existence.

Even when I couldn’t stand him and I found every way to stay away from him. Eventually I would be warmed up to loosen up, not taking everything seriously. To me that meant not taking the person’s intentions towards me seriously after a milestone has been placed for me to see. From the moments he spent the nights where I stayed to filling his own void, there was a strong pressure in the air over him that everyone seemed to notice.

I convinced myself it wasn’t real.

It didn’t matter what he said to me back then.

I wouldn’t ever believe even if I were to ask everyone else to give me an idea. I didn’t believe either side of a story that was worse than hearing about a school shooting. That’s the intensity of how distracted I felt when his name would ring in my ear.

This voice and laughter was intoxicating.

Just the energy alone was alright even if I wasn’t right there, I didn’t like it but given the circumstances, I refuse to forfeit my love of indoor living until I feel like exploring. Something always pulled into the room with him, being spoken to or not being spoken to, to simple requests when they asked for a massage out of the blue.

He trusted me at some point of this entire encounter.

Did he think I trusted him?

Did I give that impression?

Did I trust him? Not once.

Even once his words came to me in waves of a sense of possibilities based on the time span of knowing them, I raised judgement to a personality crisis. Is he interested in something more with me?

What is he expecting of me when he confined in me the scars of his labors?

I bear as a witness of multiple confessions, unless my sense of self was occupied with friends that meant the world to me after I invested in my bank account and way of living. No nonsense, just results and discipline to just get the shit down. Don’t make an excuse for why you’re slacking off.

Roll up your sleeves and do what you know you can.

~In my top 5 favorite Ghibli films, ‘As The Wind Rises’ really stuck out to me when it came to having a passion in a niche that seems out of reach. It’s possible, just from different angles. ~

Instead, I let a barrier slip away once he advanced me with talking rather than flirty complicated physical advances. I didn’t want him. I didn’t pay attention to anything other than sleep, food, work, and again, good company. I don’t remember how long it was before I gave in to an opportunity to hang out alone, I guess.

The second time it was will power of commitment and blood boiling situations.

The third time was a moment of weakness to act like I learned a lesson. My attempts to be in a relationship while balancing this connection between he and I. I’m not sure if I thought of him as a friend to me.

It’s always felt like he saw me as something else.

I don’t know what it is. I try not to guess or assume because it’s none of my damn business.

I do know that each time my mind is clear, kissing him when it’s us feels like a relief.

We aren’t who we were then.

I’m not who I was back then.

I just remember being able to feel an intensity without an overly attached obligation to find fault.

I remember him saying I would die if he and I ever dated, curious it was made clear between us both.

Does he know I am afraid to love him intimately?

Does he not realize that the things I love about myself are shown in a different way?

The way I express myself is more than just a dramatic banter into the bottle or more arms to hold, I’m looking to escape my body.

I even kept thinking it must be the sex. So I glorified and made it evident that’s all it is and all it will ever be. That’s how it should be.

I planted this view on every soul that bothered to make haste in my line of vision. Questioned motives and observed the reactions to being able to speak my mind.

Moving on is the suggestion, yet something pulling me in that made me think for years of what I did wrong for him to ghost me.

I recall asking what our connection was outside of having sex since if I talked to someone else, I would end it then and there. If there was nothing going on then I would call it a day.

Next thing I know, I’m in the cataclysm of guys stemming from my encounter with him to someone thinking we were dating after I thought I made it clear I wasn’t interested. He knew when it came to my love life, I shut myself down after him.

To avoid the thought, I kept focusing in on work, enjoying life and keeping my head above water as much as I could. More guys came to take a shot and I am to blame for anticipation to possibly get a chance to talk to him. What would I say?

I kept getting this feeling of distraught after one person did nothing but talk bad about him. Back to back..kind words were out of the picture when it came to him. At that point, I became quiet and distant with anything dealing with thoughts of the fling back in July 2014 to Oct 2014. Losing work shortly after didn’t help since it was temporary.

‘I’m so happy for you and XXXX relationship, Kristin’ with honey gold eyes that came out on a rare case.

It has to be a delusion made from knowing that at any moment, someone could trip me up worse than I have ever been and I will not ever be convinced, so I won’t try it out.

Now, I am here thinking about the night I didn’t understand the weight of how much I messed up with being a complete asshole. Not wanting to hurt him yet also not wanting to be hurt by him.

I didn’t want to sacrifice myself to him. I don’t see him as an enemy.

I see him as someone that I know I must care about from a distance until I know he means anything.

I don’t question his knowledge as much as I do his tactics at times, then again, I know nothing other than he gets shit done. Period.

So what is this impression?

Does he know me?

Showing subtle signs or certain words he says makes me ponder for a few times before I confront the matter or not.

Even agreeing that my impulses will certainly be my demise if I keep it up. I am not afraid to admit if I have a thing for someone and it’s not that serious.

Then again, if he is looking for something of a committed relationship, why is a friendship on the table with little to nothing in common but two bad tempered shit talkers, anime loving, and possibly polar opposite individuals?

Even worse that I get pure butterflies with him where I small talk or attempt to stay clear of intimacy.

Then I give off the thought and I’m like fuck, am I trying to avoid it or expecting for that to be a thing?

I mean..I do feel touchy with those that I am true fwb (usually one person tbh) and then the whole predicament gets more complicated.

In my head.

With this flow.

I shouldn’t be thinking about it nor overthinking it.

I just wanted to figure out the best way to relieve my heavy heart filled with the unfortunate notion that I have met my first checkmate in a situationship.

{Picture Relation: He mentioned the Anime Bersek to me and ever since, I’m drawn to re-educating myself in the compassion of how this resonates with my always have been friend)

#me #lifestyle #situationship confessions #Pisces man Gemini female

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cutie1365 · 8 years

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Hello Detective Chapter 43

Pairing: Sherlock x Reader

Word Count: 1507

masterlist Part 44

When you arrived you suspiciously found the door unlocked, and heard voices upstairs.

“Sherlock did you know your door was unlocked–” You said, walking into his sitting room but stopping in your tracks when you saw James Moriarty sitting in Sherlock’s chair.

Sherlock looked to you from John’s chair, a worried look on his face.

“Y/N/N, why don’t you have a seat, join us. Have you told your little friends yet?” Moriarty said, first motioning to the couch then turning his conversation back to Sherlock.

“Told them what?” Sherlock asked, his hands folded in prayer position.

“Why I broke into all those places and never took anything?” James asked.

“No.” Sherlock muttered.

“But you understand.” Jim smirked.

“Obviously.” Sherlock said.

“Off you go, then.” Jim said as he fiddled with an apple and a pocket knife.

“You want me to tell you what you already know?” Sherlock asked.

“No, I want you to prove that you know it.” Jim said, you sat awkwardly on the couch, sitting in the middle of this cock fight.

“You didn’t take anything because you don’t need to. You’ll never need to take anything ever again.” Sherlock said.

“Very good. Because...” James said, urging him to continue.

“Because nothing, nothing in the Bank of England, the Tower of London, or Pentonville Prison could possibly match the value of the key that could get you into all three.” Sherlock said and your eyes went wide.

“I can open any door anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now. They’re all mine,” James began then turned his head to you.

“No such thing as secrecy, I own secrecy.” He smirked at you, you frowned in disgust.

“Nuclear codes, I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And honey, you should see me in a crown.” James smiled.

“You were advertising all the way through the trail, you were showing the world what you can do.” Sherlock said.

“And you were helping. Big client list. Rouge government, intelligence communities, terror cells. They all want me, suddenly I’m Mr. Sex.” James said, and you saw the disappointed look on Sherlock’s face. He was played by Moriarty, he was inadvertently helping him.

“You could break any bank. What do you care about the highest bidder?” You asked, and he turned to you and smirked before answering.

“I don’t. I just like to watch them all competing. ‘Daddy loves me the best!’ Aren’t ordinary people adorable?” James said before turning back to Sherlock. “Well, you know. You’ve got John, and Y/N/N you’re moderately ordinary. You have feelings, weaknesses, your mind may be a match for Sherlock’s but you let emotions get in the way. Love. How cute, I should get myself a live-in one. It would be so funny.” Jim said, fearful tears were filling up your eyes but not daring to spill.

“Why are you doing this? You don’t want money or power, not really. What is it all for?” Sherlock asked, you could tell he was angry from the way Jim spoke to you.

“I want to solve the problem. Our problem. The final problem. It’s going to start very soon Sherlock. The fall. But don’t be scared. Falling’s just like flying except there’s a more permanent destination.” Jim said, and it gave you chills. Sherlock stood, keeping his composure but you could tell something was off. He was afraid that Moriarty was threatening his one weakness- you.

“I never liked riddles.” Sherlock said, Jim stood too.

“Learn to. Because I owe you a fall, Sherlock. I owe you.” Jim said cryptically before leaving the room. Sherlock moved to grab the apple that James was messing with. He turned it to reveal that ‘IOU’ was carved into it.

You stood cautiously before speaking, “Sherlock...”

“Leave, I need to think.” Sherlock said, turning his back to you.

“But it’s important.” You said forcefully, preparing to tell him.

“More important than this? Go!” He yelled. You took a step back in shock. He had never spoken to you like this before. Moriarty had angered him, and he thought that by pushing you away he could keep you safe... Little did he know that the safest place for you was right next to him.

You did as he said, and as you closed the door to 221B a sleek black car pulls up. You rolled your eyes and got in the car. Once the car pulled to a stop and you entered the building you noticed the silence in the room and looked around curiously, before a man emerged to take you back to Mycroft.

“Hello Mycroft.” You said as you noticed him.

“Y/N,” he nodded as the door was closed and you were now alone. You noticed a copy of today’s SUN sitting on his table, you picked it up.

“You read this stuff?” You asked with a smile.

“Caught my eye.” He said, you sat down across from him and began scanning the front page. There had to be something about Sherlock in here, otherwise Mycroft would never have bothered with it.

“Saturday, they’re doing a big expose.” Mycroft said, you read the headline. Sherlock: The Shocking Truth. Close Friend Richard Brook Tells All. You read on, Super-sleuth Sherlock Holmes has today been exposed as a fraud in a revelation that will shock his newfound base of adoring fans. The story was written by Kitty Riley.

“She was at the trial, tried to get information from Sherlock and I. Richard Brook? I’m assuming he’s not a school friend.” You said, looking up to Mycroft with a smirk.

“Of Sherlock’s?” He laughed. “But that’s not why I asked you here.”

Mycroft picked up a few files and handed one to you. You opened it and noticed that it was an assassin. He looked oddly familiar.

“Know him?” Mycroft asked.

“No, but he looks familiar.” You said.

“He’s taken a flat in Baker Street two doors down from Sherlock.” Mycroft said, and you read on in the file.

“Sulejmani. Albanian hit squad.” You read.

“Expertly trained killer, living directly between you and Sherlock.” Mycroft said, before handing you some more files. “Dyachenko, Ludmila.”

“Russian.” You said, taking the file. “I’m sensing a pattern here.”

“In fact, four top international assassins relocated within spitting distance of 221B.” Mycroft said.

“You think this is Moriarty?” You asked.

“He promised Sherlock he would come back.” Mycroft said.

“If Moriarty had wanted him dead, then he would be dead.” You argued.

“If not Moriarty, then who?” Mycroft asked, and he had a point, but you didn’t think these assassins were put there to kill Sherlock.

“You know you could just talk to Sherlock, since you’re so concerned about him.” You smiled, knowing he wouldn’t.

“Too much history between us, Y/N. Old scores, resentments.” Mycroft said, you laughed.

“You know one day you two are going to have to get over that. He needs you, maybe now more than ever. He’s pushing me away too. He thinks he can do this on his own but he can’t. Mycroft, you know how much I respect you. But if you can’t be honest with me then I can’t help you. What aren’t you telling me?” You asked him.

“What aren’t you telling me?” He raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” You asked surprised.

“Moriarty is obsessed, he’s sworn to destroy his only rival. To get to Sherlock, he might get to you. I know he’s been in contact with you, can I see it?” Mycroft asked, wanting to see the text Moriarty had sent you.

“You already know what it says Mycroft...” You said, looking to the floor.

“Is it true?” He asked. A tear rolled down your cheek.

“I haven’t told Sherlock yet.” You cried. He sat back in his chair and sighed.

“You know what’s coming... Between him and Moriarty. Do me a favor... Don’t tell him.” Mycroft said, surprising you.

“Don’t tell him? Are you serious?” You almost yelled.

“He doesn’t need another distraction.” Mycroft said, but what he meant was it would make it harder for him to let go.

“Trust me, please.” Mycroft begged. You were hesitant, but ultimately, you wanted, needed Sherlock to defeat Moriarty, so if this is what it took.

“What if he deduces it?” You asked.

“He won’t. You and I both know he has trouble reading you, he always has.” Mycroft announced. Your phone buzzed, a text from Lestrade.

Kidnapping, need you now at 221B. Important!

It was typed in a hurry, meaning it must have been someone important. You stood to leave.

“I need to go to work... Mycroft I’m trusting you on this. Prove to me I made the right decision.” You said, leaving the room.

“I always protect my family!” He called after you. That’s when it really struck you. Not only was this Sherlock’s son, but Mycroft’s niece or nephew. He cared about you and this child too.

Part 44

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