#Then again people love to think that borderliners are toxic as a default

[soundlikesfandoms]

Playing Life is Strange myself the first time after only having watched Let's Plays and in Episode 2, during the train track scene, when Chloe says "I'm not mad. It adds up in my head as people letting me down" I felt that to my core.

Chloe is very hated, but as someone with bpd (or at least a bpd-adjacent disorder) I just see her as someone who desperately needs help and never learned how to deal with her issues in a healthy way. She's just a perfect portrayal of someone with Border Personality Disorder I think. Not that I wanna every single thing she does, but damn is she relatable

[doll-gloss]

"Dear" You,

Make no mistake. This is far, far less for you and far, far more for me. For my closure and my contentment and my peace. Those matter more to me than you ever have or ever will. I don't care if this reaches you. I don't care whether or not your petty, drama-hungry little hoard finds it necessary to send this your way, like other things that I've stated in the comfort of my own space. This isn't about that.

This is about me releasing all of the ugly things that I picked up from you and my associations with you, once and for all. First off, I'm certain that you already know this, have known this from the beginning, but lol. I do not and never did have borderline personality disorder. Regardless of what you implanted in my mind and manipulated me into believing. I know my Professionally and Officially Diagnosed Disorders and they are being handled and taken care of, no thanks to you.

I am also not "toxic by default" (the irony there). Am I flawed? Absolutely. Do I make mistakes and poor choices sometimes? Absolutely. That's all part of being a human being. But I am just as capable of being kind and compassionate and empathetic and nurturing and good as I am of making those aforementioned poor choices.

And speaking of my compassion and empathy? You deserved None of it. You deserved not a single One of the nights that I stayed awake with you and talked you through your delusions and panic attacks, sacrificing my much needed sleep in the process. You deserved not a Single word that I ever uttered to stand up for you when you were too meek to do it for yourself. You deserved not one day out of that month or so that I stayed by your side when you decided to isolate yourself because someone, I don't know, blinked at you wrong and convinced you that somehow our Entire Social Group, some of which didn't even Know you very well, hated you?

You deserved none of it. Not the sleepless nights spent comforting you through your existential crises, not the time I spent clenching my lips closed every single time you decided to vent about unpleasant and harmful situations that you put yourself in because, "You needed to be able to make your own choices without being shamed for them."

You deserved not a single ounce of my worry or concern or sympathy or sweetness or gentleness or patience. Not a single gentle word or tone of voice that I spoke to you, which You repaid in curses and aggressiveness. Because you appreciated none of it and you forgot all of it. You claim you have a bad memory. Or maybe it's simply that you never cared to begin with.

The friends that I lost, that I allowed you to manipulate me into seeing nearly nonexistent issues with and push out of our social group, I wish them well. I wish them well and I hope that they never encounter you again. Or, at the very least, if they do, they're wiser to who you truly are, now.

And what you truly are is a hypocrite. What you are is judgemental. What you are is a gossiper who flitters from clique to clique, using people for your own benefit, while playing this Petty game of "he said, she said" behind those same peoples' backs. You're a glutton for attention in all the wrong ways and yet you feign shyness and modesty in an attempt to hide it.

I don't know if you ever truly Were shy or insecure, or if maybe you knew that that was the facade that would draw people in. I spent so long trying to reconcile the image of who I met with who I ended up, wisely, detaching myself from, but now I see that it doesn't matter.

Whether it was from the beginning or whether it started somewhere along the way, ultimately you are someone who I can't trust. And before you attempt your uno reverse card bullshit, no, me venting to yet Another victim of your hypocrisy and selfishness about said hypocrisy and selfishness and the unhealthy hold that you had on me is not the same thing. It never was. It never will be.

I don't wish you any ill will, though. I don't wish you anything at all, good, bad, or otherwise. That gives you far too much power over my wishes and desires and my feelings, and I'd be a fool if I gave it back to you so shortly after fully reclaiming it.

I'm happy now, you know. I'm writing and RPing again. I'm listening to my music and building up my playlists with songs that I no longer associate with you or memories of you again. I'm in a new, petal-soft romantic relationship with my true best friend, the one that helped me unravel and untangle all of the knots that You tied inside of my head.

Outside of that, we don't discuss you. Outside of reassuring me of facts vs. fiction, of lies vs. truth, outside of reassuring me that things are alright now, they don't talk about you. Again. You're not worth it.

But you know, I will thank you, though. If nothing else, you showed me what kind of persons to avoid now and in the future. You painted me a clear list of warning signs, just like all of the other undesirable people left behind where they belong in the past. You've updated my armory and my codex of manipulative insincere behaviors and ticks and cues. You made me wiser, even if it meant that you once hurt me in the process.

Sometimes it's just Like that, huh.

Anyhow, I've said all of the things, released all of the stale, stagnant air that I needed to, and on the lives of the people that I love, I swear to myself that this is the Last I'll ever speak, or think, of you. I am evicting you from me in every possible capacity, rebuking and exorcising your memories from my mind. There's no room left for you there. And you never belonged there, anyway.

I'm going to continue to be happy, now. I'm going to continue to grow and learn and be cherished and loved and love in return. And even when my heart does have it's reasons to ache (life isn't perfect, after all), at the very least? It won't be because of you.

Goodbye, S. It was an experience to know you. One that I would never repeat again.

[fangsmyth]

* relationship headcanons

NAME:   lanque bombyx NICKNAME:   n/a GENDER:   male   /   he/him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:   grey/panromantic

-- content warning for unhealthy relationships under the cut --

PREFERRED PET NAMES:   literally thrives off of people calling him a whore. slut isn’t as fun, but yes! call him whore! any form of ‘my [x]’ is very funny, and he loves giving people that illusion of power. but when it comes to the pet names he gives, he’ll usually default to ‘baby’ or some gross and equally common catcalling name. only ones he really cares about will get unique ones. i’d use some examples but i wanna make them a surprise when they come up <:3c RELATIONSHIP STATUS:   single, but constantly in a state of playing the field. honestly even if he’s taken he’ll still be going around flirting and fucking, it’s... this is a bad idea. lanque says he wants a real relationship, but it’s best for everyone that they don’t entertain that idea FAVORITE CANON/FANDOM SHIP:   i really like the idea of him being moirails with pretty much any of the jades? daraya and bronya are probably REALLY high up there though. literally no one ships him with anyone but mallek and it makes me mad bc i don’t know when i’ll ever get around to reading his route. lanque <3 damara is also very good and extremely underrated OPINION ON TRUE LOVE:   he definitely believes it’s a thing, and he’d love to actually take part in it some day... lanque just doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort and is still super set on ‘the drones are gonna get me one day’ i really hope he’ll get over it at some point OPINION ON LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:   lanque adores the idea of it, and he won’t tell anyone but he loves that trope in romance novels! but he knows it never really happens. he just loves taking advantage of people that believe in it, though. HOW ‘ROMANTIC’ ARE THEY?:    don’t get me wrong lanque is extremely capable of being a huge romantic, he just hasn’t found the right person to genuinely be that way with. it’s a somewhat exaggerated take on romance, with candlelit dinners and slow dancing the night away to some sort of jazz music... (i was listening to a lot of frank sinatra on the way home don’t @ me i was feelin it) i feel he’d definitely really like to surprise his partners with gifts too, going between handmade sweaters and poetry written with fine calligraphy

he’s a biiiig hopeless romantic and softie on the inside it’s just... good luck getting there, he finds those parts of himself boring and something to be ashamed of IDEAL PHYSICAL TRAITS:   he literally thinks every single human is the hottest piece of ass he’s ever seen. lanque is ultimately into someone that is unique and different, interested in new experiences as he’s felt he’s pretty much exhausted every type of troll. if there is anything he’d prefer from humans it’s probably big tits and well defined facial features (with a specific bonus if it includes an aquiline nose, it’s very vampiric don’t @ me) but honestly even without those he’s going to say you’re beautiful and mean it. IDEAL PERSONALITY TRAITS:   lanque really adores confident and unhinged people that are willing to just... go out there and throw caution into the wind. he doesn’t always like it when someone is also somewhat dominant and controlling, but every now and again if they have a suggestion he’s always happy to listen and just do shit. you cannot keep him in one place. UNATTRACTIVE PHYSICAL TRAITS:  any literal children or people that don’t bathe his standards are very low UNATTRACTIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS:   people that ignore him or actively block him out and don’t let him speak. lanque is fine with talkative people, but it’s important that he gets a turn too. and, obviously, people that are prudish and judgmental towards his lifestyle choices. IDEAL DATE:   filming an amateur porn together HAHA i wish i was joking DO THEY HAVE A TYPE?:   heh AVERAGE RELATIONSHIP LENGTH:   two weeks to a month. he hates being tied down, and honestly it’s very easy for him to just get bored with people. PREFERRED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY:   kissing, hugging, cuddling, picking someone up off the ground, maybe tickling if he’s feeling sappy enough. just a lot of physical stuff. lanque loves dancing with people too, especially so with his s/o!  COMMITMENT LEVEL:   he doesn’t! 0! -5! very low! very bad! OPINION OF PUBLIC AFFECTION:   i wish he wasn’t so into it. i really wish he wasn’t because i personally despise it. but he hates it when people are doing it to sort of ‘show off’ their affection or treat their partners like trophies, but lanque only does it because he genuinely just can’t help himself! he loves touching people and kissing them, he really doesn’t like being restricted by any means towards showing how much he loves them!

PAST RELATIONSHIPS?:  oh there’s too many of them to count but i’ll specifically base them off of the poem in his sfw route, let’s see if i can play in this space. 

while lanque often declares how important it is for him to not get emotional or stay with someone for too long, it’s really not hard for him to get attached to the point of borderline obsession. many of his relationships are ended with a strong degree of regret, and he tends to ponder a lot about ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could have beens’. this problem is especially potent when he dates objectively good partners that treat him right and express genuine worry about him. lanque never truly values his relationships while he has them, they only really have any sort of pertinence in his head when they’re gone. and then he just dips into another one to forget, it’s kind of a horrible infinite loop. everyone he’s dated has been a rebound and him trying to find a relationship that... works for him. he finds comfort in the no strings attached player lifestyle where he goes from person to person, solving problems with fucking instead of talking or trying to understand where the other person is coming from. i almost wanna say he loves toxic relationships? but i feel like that would be a little too simplistic

his view on romance is ultimately extremely complicated, like someone that is trying to experiment with something by trying the same methods over and over again. sorry this one was so long i’ve been meaning to dissect and analyze lanque’s poem for a while and this seemed like a good time to do itdfghsdfhsfs

TAGGED BY:  snatching like an idiot TAGGING:  tag you’re it

[steamishot]

All COVID

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. That was when US/California started taking action. March 15 is when they announced that people will not be allowed to dine in at restaurants. I remember this clearly because I had a lunch date with steph at paper pot. We were the only ones at the restaurant, joking that social distancing was quite effective there. We also stopped by to get boba one last time before it was mandatory to remove the seating areas. 

I stayed in most of my first week WFH because it was raining. My first couple days, I was a quite anxious about WFH. We are asked to submit a daily work log to our managers everyday, and also submit a weekly list of tasks that we wish to accomplish that week. My manager is super chill and protective of us - she told us that we must “cover our butts” and do not downplay anything we are doing. She stresses to upper management that all of our jobs are important. Currently, it seems that my department has a plan until April 19. Parking is also waived during this time (I’m saving so much money on not spending on gas and parking). It was discussed in the meeting that since many conferences, clinics, and activities are canceled, there’s not much need for admin support. If we will need to continue WFH after April 19, we may be able to last another month or so on doing part-time work and be compensated for the rest by administrative leave. Past that, furlough is on the table. I think our team should be safe though, because April to August is our busy season.

My second half of my first week WFH was heaven. Being able to sleep in til 8 and having the California sunshine wake me up was a dream. I was enjoying spending time with my family, not having to commute, being able to connect virtually with friends, and go hiking at the nearby trail. 

I’m now halfway through my second week WFH. I honestly do not mind the quarantine life if it weren’t for the depressive state of our world. US is gonna surpass China and Italy in numbers soon. I feel like it’s hard to work in this anxious state. I’m even more worried because Matt is working on the frontline. Every time I see an article about how a doctor has died due to covid, it breaks my heart a little. But I also have to consider that it takes a certain personality and strength to be a doctor, and actual doctors don’t react to this the same way the general public does. 

This week when I’ve talked to him, he acted calm and normal and is more distressed over noncovid related things. For example, he talked multiple times about how the Chair of his department kinda humiliated him/called him out for doing something stupid, about our housing situations, about being able to fly home or not next month, about the economic stimulus. But doesn’t seem very worried about covid in his hospital, and semi-playfully says “i’m going to war!!” when he leaves for work. His psychologist friend who is already an attending in an Arizona hospital sent him 2 packages full of masks, n95s as well as n-100s which are even stronger. I’m so grateful for that. Luckily, his mom asked him to steal some n-95s last month, so he has like 8 of those in storage too. It calms me down knowing that he has the proper supplies when it comes the time that they run out. 

Also big news that I should write out - he matched! He’s waited a decade for this email. I’m happy for him even though his real dream would have been able to come back to Cali. I’m gaining more experience on being a doctor’s partner. I follow the subreddit medspouse a lot and it’s like I have friends going through the same things together - relationship struggles, match day, the fear of covid, etc. There are also frequent posts from people who are newly dating  (~2 months) a resident or med student. A very common question is - are they even interested or are they just super busy? It’s become a part of my identity and it’s very interesting to read other people’s experiences. 

A few months ago, we got into a big argument because he wasn’t able to give me a timeline of when to move in together in the case that he does match into Brooklyn. I was upset because I felt like he wasn’t sure about our future, and about wanting to live with me. I felt it was his way of pushing it off. He said it was because it was too much pressure to think past match day, because he would be so devastated if he didn’t match again. I didn’t truly understand or believe him. Right after he matched, he sent me a text “cutie pie is moving to NY”. And immediately, he brought up concrete plans about moving in together i.e. rent amount, neighborhoods, month of move in, etc. It made me feel so secure. This time, I was the one who couldn’t promise anything. Because COVID. I have no idea what’s gonna unfold these upcoming weeks and months. I was thinking that in the case I am furloughed, I can move onto a different job in NYC and have a smooth transition. 

My dad is finally behaving more. He’s been following the news on TV nonstop. Along with this, my parents’ friends keep sending them sometimes fake news via wechat. My mom is especially gullible to these. My dad started cutting up onions to put around the house because “that’s what they did in the 70s” post bombing attacks. Some quality family time: I made my parents do virtual yoga with me. We basically eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together everyday, hiked with my mom, bonded (and sometimes argued) because of covid together. 

Last thing is that I’ve been super interested in learning about borderline personality disorder these past couple days. My long-term friend B who I’ve complained about many times this past year and a half - I’ve finally labeled her as a toxic friend. The first few times I’ve described her to Matt, he instantly said BPD. I didn’t believe him at first and was just like nah she doesn’t have that. But he said it again recently and I looked up the symptoms. It was very descriptive. I believe that she started becoming a worse friend in the last 1.5 years or so because she stopped having a LTR boyfriend. When she has a LTR boyfriend, he becomes the main receiver of this whole BPD mess. That means, during our almost decade friendship, I never really saw that side of her because she’s been in LTRs. After her last relationship, she’s been jumping from guy to guy and having unstable short-lived relationships. However, I think she may have recently found another LTR guy. Since I am her “best friend”, I defaulted to being one of the receivers of her BDPness during this searching for a new person endeavor. 

She became all take and no give (actually she did give me a sorry/Xmas gift and a birthday card). I kinda stopped relying on her and increasingly lost respect for her. She constantly sent me screenshots of text messages between her and her boy of the moment. I looked through our text images together yesterday and 90% were screenshots between her and a boy. And all we ever texted about were her boys. I didn’t really have an issue with this, until I saw how much more effort she put in for these boys, while getting very flat effort in our friendship (through text and in person). It was close to the last straw for me when she sent over some screenshots during the week we were transitioning to WFH. In my mind, I was thinking “how could you possibly still be concentrating on ONLY boys during a time like this”. She tried to make convo with me (in an effort to be less self-absorbed) the next few days with very little effort or interest in the things I was saying. I then got annoyed when her boy toy messaged me directly and asked about how to make her happy. I felt like omg - i can’t escape her love life. I later tried to have a convo with her about this, but was met with little effort, victim playing, and avoidance. Anyway, I’m social distancing myself from her by muting all her stuff on social media and muting the group chat I was in with her and her sisters. I don’t plan to really answer her messages anymore. 

[onychaos]

End to a ranting saga

So, it has been a long time coming. A end to this rant saga of the speedrunning community. It has been a year, and I want to get this off of my chest. I know what I want to say, and I have a lot to say. This will be my viewpoint, and how I feel towards the community now, as well as other things. This is my experience with the sonic speedrunning community

I should warn you that this is a serious post. as I plan to end this saga, with a bang.

Warning: While reading this post, do take this post with a grain of salt, I will throw shade and I do have my reasons for that. With that being said, let’s start the post.

Editor note: This is me ranting about things, since I really don’t like to use friends as a outlet. If this rant offends you, I’m sorry but It’s a rant. They are never nice, and do take this with a grain of salt. - May 10th

Speedrunning

I guess this is it, huh. To think, I saw my self ranting about this community but things change. As you all know, I made a few rants and talked about how I feel towards speedrunning. Most, if not all was mostly negative, but for good reason.

Speedrunning, I feel that speedrunning used to be a special thing. Back then, before it became a normal daily event. it was a simple hobby meant to see how well could you play a game as fast or beat the game within a time frame. Hell, it was something everyone or friends could for fun. You could speedrun, make new friends, learn how a game works.

Back then in 2013. Speedrunning was a special thing. Something I felt was going to get better… Past me was wrong. While drama was normally not in the speedrun circle I was in, I didn’t really start to see how shit things were, because, I was new to speedrunning, and I just went along with what others did. Pretty much, not having a opinion, following orders.

Not all speedrun communities are like this.

But, it was whatever, the community was “friendly”, if you followed along and I noticed that I became a white knight but it was making my ride in the community somewhat ok. I shallowed my pride and went with it. By doing this, I was both fortunately and unfortunately to meet new people within the Sonic speedrunning community and, on Twitch..

It was not till 2015 - 2016 where I saw a new wave of Sonic “Speedrunners” who are super competitive in speedrunning. This is where I started to see these new toxic runners and this made me slowly resent speedrunning and this feeling of resentment would slowly grow over the next 2 years.. This is, of course, the point where I started to have my own opinions of Sonic runners and their actions.

And, at the same time, this was when I sent after by that person’s white knight lackeys because you know… “Opinions are bad” but anywho, I think around mid 2016, I started to not care about speedrunning but then, I saw “friends” speedrunning and, somehow that sparked a weak flame to speedrun run again. But really didn’t enjoy it as much as I used to.

It’s really sad, I had many plans to speedrun with friends and others. I would love to had the chance to speedrun with friends and others. I mean, I could do that but there really is no longer a point to do these speedruns together. I get speedrunners want to get a good time or get a better time. That’s fine

But when, it’s for fun, the mood just dies. Maybe I am too optimistic, I may as well try to catch lighting in a bottle, it’s not gonna happen, unless hell freezes over then, I can keep dreaming, I suppose… Of a day, where we could just race a game for fun. (Sonic 4 all emeralds, while that was not the race I had in mind. It is close to my idea, at the very least. There may be some hope)

White knights and opinions in speedrunning

We all know what white knights are? Right? Ok to make this quick and simple. A white knight is a user that will rush to someone being attacked, this means that said white knight will rush to the aid of someone being attacked, chances are, they did something to earn this but the white knight will defend all their actions to win their favor. That was anything but quick and simple…

Well, you get a idea. I will be mentioning the Sonic Speedrunning Community, as it does house a number of white knights.

So, as I have said before “the Sonic speedrunning community was "friendly”, if you followed along" this is true from what I seen. Two streamers I watch, I noticed a habit and the effect it has.

Test Subject 1. - He seems to follow along with his fellow Sonic speedrunners and does whiteknight them from harm. Funny thing is… I think he knows that some of the shit they do is fucked up. And if, that is the case, it makes this issue much worse than I thought.

When 1 follows along like a puppet or a pawn with no opinions of other runners, the effect is that, more Sonic speedrunners come to him and, it’s awful cause this just gives the Idea. “if you are my friend, then you can do as you please. if, it does not effect me, go ahead.”  Normally, I don’t care but I feel this just gives the impression that shit is ok.

And I noticed that the other streamer is not a white knight. Having a opinion of other runners or the community, and not following along seems to be disliked among the Sonic Speedrun community, I know I am talking about the Sonic Speedrun community, but this is a be all, end all rant.

Speedrunning has lost it’s value to me. But, this is just a me thing. I have to say this because, I know people will read this and go “Speedrunning has not lost all value. You are wrong for saying this” Sometimes, people don’t like to read, so I will be sure to make my comment in Bold :V

*RANT INCOMING*

// I want to get this off of my chest \

Before someone says “Don’t open old cuts” I want you to stop right there. This has been on my chest and GOD DAMN, I’m getting this off of my chest

I would like to mention one thing. So, when I had drama with a streamer who threw me under the bus. I went to said friend and made some jokes. But of course, when I made a “Fox season” joke. (Duck Season, Rabbit Season) Somehow, this joke was “inciting” a witch hunt…I swallowed my pride. But I feel that is total Bullshit. This was a simple joke. And the fact that you saw it as “inciting” A witch hunt, is BS.

“Fox Season” Mind you, this is a fucking thing. If you need, no, have to REACH to make a joke. Or what I said, sound like a attack on your friend, that’s pretty sad

I don’t even think it was the joke. Rather, you zero on me, because I made a post of your friend, and you assume I would Incite a Witch Hunt after your friend.

Look, there is protecting a friend, and then, there is being a white knight for someone. This is borderline white Knighting to me, so, it’s fine for them to fuck me over or throw me under the bus, send their lackeys after me, but because they are your friend, and you are in their circle, that makes it fine to do so?  2017. I took a lot of bullshit to the face. Dealt with a lot of Bull Shit and drama and getting fucked over.

There is a lot of shit I will take. Being called a asshole, I can speak my mind and my opinions may be hurtful, But don’t you GODDAMN tell me that I’m trying to incite a witch hunt, let alone assume anything negative about me. I draw the fucking line there when you start assuming negative about me.

That’s a fucking insult to me, and that is made worse to hear someone that you know for a few years, assume the worst of you, cause of a damn “joke” that had no ill will. But, whatever. I thank you. Because of mid to late 2017, I now know where I stand in this community or rather, I know where I stand with you and your “friends” So, this does help.

Look, let’s get your GODDAMN facts right. I don’t do “Witch Hunts” And do not Incite Witch Hunts. I tell my experience, so that someone else doesn’t have to suffer the same fate as me. Don’t you fucking confuse the two. Talking about a experience (Good or bad) vs. inciting a witch hunt. Are two fucking complete things.

So, before you white knight your friends from the “Big Bad Guy” again. Get your fucking facts straight before you assume shit about me.

No, i’m not ending any friendships over this shit. Because while this did hurt more than it should, Someone I looked up to, supported. It really does hurt to have them assume some about you after they known you for a while. It won’t end anything, but I will be keeping a distance from this person, but it makes sense, he knows them longer, by default, he will believe them and any facts or proof about them doing shady things. He turns a blind eye to it.

It’s funny. I wanted to believe that something was not true, but such a stupid Idea of mine. Something like that. Ha, it’s a silly for me to believe. It’s life, nothing will work out as you have planned. it’s whatever. You live and learn. Friends end up being a disappointment to you, one way or another.

I won’t mention who I am talking about. But I will say this, You have never made me mad. I never had a reason to be so mad at you.. I held you at such a high regard, knowing you wouldn’t disappoint me in the future… And I guess really, I’m not mad at him, just a bit disappointed, is all. That’s it, really. just disappointed, to be honest.

I said what I wanted to say that I didn’t say before. This is a rant.

*Rant done*

Speedrunning, friends, and livestreaming

I am a “speedrunner” I’m not good at it. And I don’t plan on it. and I know this will or may piss off some friends.

a. Livestreaming

Livestreaming is fun and having people to chat with is more fun. Streaming on twitch.tv and being “In” the speedrunning community before I disliked it. I made a lot of “friends” most of them are speedrunners, Nothing wrong with that. we are a small group of streamers / speedrunners. I notice habits that they have shown. Some I noticed tend to show support to speedrunners. I won’t say who.

Again, that’s fine. You like what you like. I won’t stop you. I am grateful that I have speedrunners as friends. And they do support me when I livestream speedruns… I know I can’t rely on speedrun friends because they want to do their own thing. They don’t want to watch a playthrough on Twitch.tv, they want to see speedruns

I guess, in a way. I really don’t ask friends for help. In a way. I envy these people who get support from their friends but at the same time… I don’t envy them at all. I’m weird.

I guess, in a way. I have a back up plan when I do quit speedruns. Look, I know people say that you can’t quit speedrunning, it doesn’t happen, It’s true to some point. But people say a lot of shit. Doesn’t make it true. People speedrun, because they want to.

Getting off topic… I will save this for later when I quit streaming in the future, but that won’t happen for a while. :P Or become a lone wolf in the future I guess. c:

Things I am not fond of in the Sonic Speedrun Community

I should say this, right now

Sonic Runners and/ or sonic members trying to silent opinions of others

People going behind others back to send their lackeys friends after them

Really do dislike people having this hive mindset

Really don’t like having to go along with the Sonic community to have them be friendly towards me.

I hate this mindset “If you are not friends with my friends, then we can’t be friends anymore”

Sonic runners who turning a blind eye or let some of this shit slide because that person is their friend :v

Sonic runners who are your friends but don’t have your back

But having friends who are speedrunners is good and bad.

You have a new point of view or a new outlook on things by knowing them. You can understand new things, rather that’s good or bad, is up to you.

By having friends as speedrunners, I saw a new outlook on life and things. I had laughs, good times

But on the other side of coin. I seen drama from friends that made me keep my distance

I seen how they can be, made me question, if I made a right choice or not.

But for this, the good outweigh the bad, just by a bit. :P

The end of a saga…

So, I guess, this is where I tell you how I really feel about speedrunning. I still resent speedrunning, is what, I would have said. As I wrote this I started to have different thoughts… It dawned on me. I didn’t resent speedrunning but rather, I have resentment towards the Sonic Speedrun Community.

It used to be my home, If I had no opinion and followed along, it would be a friendly place for me to stay but I choose to not follow along, I choose to have opinions of others, I choose to not be some sheep.  But this was the main reason why “Sonikmage” or “Soniksama” is gone, This is the reason why all my ties have been cut with the Sonic Speedrun Community members.

I guess in someway, this was bound to happen. While, I am disappointed on how things turned out. I did learn a few things. I guess, to end on this note. I did have “good times” when I was apart of this community. Made some questionable fake acquaintances, made some good friends, lost some “friends” when I changed from “Sonik” to “OnyChaos”. I feel losing those friends, I’m better off without them.

My final note on speedrunning

Speedrunning of late has changed, for the worst, It used to be about going to see how fast you can go in a game and improving one’s time while having fun with friends, and even with strangers.

The environment was friendly and welcoming, you can or could have fun speedrunning, but now, the speedrun environment has become a toxic and unwelcoming environment, in my eyes. all the In-fighting or all this backstabbing in the community or ton of drama that spreads about useless shit, people getting offended over things and shit, friendships coming and going before they can fucking start.

Oh, I hear you now. “Well, you don’t need to be in a community” I don’t, but then, what would the point be than? Being a part of a community is suppose to feel like a home away from home. A place where you could escape life for a bit and talk with your friends and escape bullshit and drama. A area where you could relax from life, even if it is a short haven.

No one seems to try to have fun in the Sonic speedrun community, I can’t blame them, it’s a toxic environment that rewards those who are super competitive and only want to be number one. I used to be like them but i saw what was speedrunning doing to me. Speedrunning can be fun, if you speedrun with friends.

I will not deny that, the Sonic Community, and speedrunning Community has done a lot. They have done some good. I want to get this out the way cause I know someone will read this and get offended. :v

I guess the real take away from this is… Speedrunning is fun to do. It can be a blast. Just don’t put all your time into one community or it will blow up in your face. And don’t be shocked if some acquaintances cut ties with you in the future. I still like speedrunning. But the way I view speedrunning, is in a negative light.. Is that fair? No.

End of the Saga to Sonic speedrunning community ranting…

It’s now over… A community I was in, supported through thick and thin by whatever means, and cheered on, when it was the underdog. The Sonic Community, a place I did see as my home away from home, when I was “Apart” of it. Now, the Sonic speedrun community, a community, I now resent. How things have changed. Something I used to love and cared for, now I resent it with a passion…

Hey… If you somehow made it to the end of this long ass rant and did not get offended / mad or disappointed at this rant. Well done. You get a Sonic 4 Any% race. it’s May. Everything I have bottled up from 2016 - 2017 and up to now, was dumped into this massive rant.

As I write this. I feel like giving the Sonic Community one last chance. But I doubt my impressions towards them will be changed. hey, anything can happen, I suppose… Not gonna unblock them though :x

I am still grateful for the friends i have made and still have now. And while I don’t always agree with them on some matters or choices, I do respect them and still grateful of them sticking with me, during my rants.

if this rant somehow is the one to break the camel’s back to end the friendship with me, I guess it will show me where I stand with them, I suppose, it was meant to end. :v

Ony~

P.S You know who you are. I would not do it, if I were you. >_>

[anautisticdragon-blog]

Atypical

Sigh.

Where do I even begin with this? So, Netflix wants everyone to believe that all autistic people are these violent monsters, prone to rape, stalking, physical abuse, and worse. That might be true of manipulative sociopaths, but usually autistic people just mind their own business and don't make a habit of punching women. I want to just point out that from the autistic people I've spoken with who've been involved in long-term, loving relationships versus the neurotypicals I know who break up every three months or so? Yeah. And is it autistic people who're the people you usually find involved in domestic abuse statistics? No.

This is the kind of thing that plays on my mind's desire to be tribalistic. I have to take a very, very deep breath and remind myself that whilst it's true that some neurotypicals can be vapid, hollow-minded, manipulative, borderline, and nauseatingly parasitic, that's not really true of the majority.

I want to think that. I have to. I can't keep falling prey to the kind of tribalism that results in these smears being used against us. It's the golden rule. So, do the sordid examples of humanity responsible for Atypical fit the descriptors above? Yeah. I'd say that's true of the actors, too, for going along with it. Is this true of most people? Nah. And yes, there are autistic people who can be like that too. The problem is is that reality can be twisted by the 'default state.'

This is something I've talked about at length. At length. And I'm going to again. I'll do it until I'm blue in the face. I'll do it until I die. I'm sick of it. It's such an innate flaw with teh human condition. I actually think we need an AI to conquer and nanny us because we can't get over something so easily conquered. If I can be aware of it and fight it, why can't others? Why would a show like this ever make it to Netflix? I'm not being unfair, I don't think. Do you remember the premiere of 'Neurotypicals,s' a series about the self-proclaimed "beautiful" zombie-vampires who prey on the unwitting by being degenerate manipulators? I didn't think so. That's because that never happened, of course.

And yet here we are, Atypical. A show that's doing basically that with autistic people, putting every horrible autistic stereotype front and centre. And why aren't we getting 'Neurotypicals?' That's because neurotypicals are the 'default state,' the correct way of being. That's how they view themselves, because they're taught to think that way, and they don't realise why it's wrong. That's why we have entitled white men who think that prejudice is 'those filthy plebeians who talk about me behind my back.'

This reminds me of Dreamfall Chapters.

I had a lot of faith in Ragnar before this happened. I still remember just how disappointed I felt in him. I wasn't angry. It was just sad. What did he do, what did Dreamfall do? It had a scene where someone was verbally stripped down and abused for being autistic. Ragnar's excuse? "If people in the real world can be so terrible, so can people in believable stories. Grow a spine!"

Lovely fellow. I really had more faith in him than that. You see, the problem was actually not that the prejudice was there in the first place, but the self-congratulatory air with which it happened.

No one called it out, there was no one to chide the abuser and speak up against a rather obvious social faux pas and taboo. It normalised ableism and made it appear okay, normal, and acceptable. It no doubt made ableists happy, to feel normalised by this game. That's just sick. What was Ragnar's response? He knew that this was the reason that people were objecting, but he stuck to his original argument and spammed it across the Internet in the hopes it would just go away. Eventually, of course, it did. Mostly because Dreamfall Chapters was a massive disappointment in and of itself, as a package, going far beyond just the autistic slight. It was forgettable, so I suppose that's a small blessing.

The thing is? This kind of thing keeps happening. Now it's happening with Atypical, which Netflix thinks is okay. Would Netflix have greenlit 'Neurotypicals,' do you think? I don't think so.

No, autistic people have to deal with this shit all the time. Frankly, looking at the current climate, things haven't improved much since I was young. And when I was young I was physically abused beyond measure just for being autistic. I think that things for autistic people right now are worse even than for people of colour and women. It's unfortunate that I have to say that, but look up the Judge Rotenberg Center and tell me I'm entirely off the mark. In fact, have a read of this letter.

When was the last time this happened to a neurotypical? And this is what fires my brain to get tribal about it, to despise neurotypicals. Because NTs are blind to this, because they never take notice, because they think it's funny and cute to take the piss out of autistic people? It creates this division, this tribalism, and it's really difficult to fight it. It feels like a one-sided fight. I feel that, as an autistic person, I am fighting my own mind -- day in, day out -- to not despise neurotypicals. And every day I see new examples of neurotypicals abusing us, treating us like shit, or just having a 'good old laugh' at our expense.

It's really tiring, you know?

The whole 'default state' thing sickens me. If you're white, healthy, cishet, privileged, good for you! You're the 'default state,' you're neurotypical, you're 'normal!' That's great! Now look around you and see how many people are weaponising that to make the lives of others miserable. I'm so detached from humanity that I've even become sensitive to the prejudices in fantasy settings, which I've discussed in prior posts. Often I feel more sympathy for and open empathy towards non-humans than humans.

The humans in fantasy settings just always come across as the abusive, nasty examples I've had to deal with all my life. The non-humans feel like autistic people, persons of colour, and those others who're outside of the 'default state.' I mean, when a neuronormative person who's a part of the 'default state' and not aware of it, when they look at a picture of a bunch of 'heroes' ganging up on a dragon, it comes across as 'epic,' to them, it's 'heroic.'

I see a bunch of looters and bandits, who've burst into someone's home with murder in their eyes. I see the dragon as someone who's found themselves in a position where they have to defend themself against invaders, against people who'd kill them for no reason other than that they're a dragon. That makes me feel a little ill. This is the world I live in, where even fantasy prejudice affects me. I can't help it. When I live in this reality, one where Atypical is a thing, can you blame me?

I'm going to end this on a more positive note and give a shout out to my favourite boys, the McElroys. They've been making strides in trying to be inclusive. What I will say is that if you really want to do that, one thing I'd love to see in The Adventure Zone is a believable autistic character. One that isn't just all about the stereotypes. I'd really love to see that. One that isn't portrayed as sociopathic (which is wrong) just because they have so much empathy it short circuits them sometimes and they have to withdraw, and so on. I'd really, really appreciate that.

This is why I'm glad I don't watch 'normal' TV any more. Fuck 'normal' TV. Fuck Netflix, frankly. I'd prefer something that's inclusive and doesn't make money off of ruining the lives of others. So, yeah. Fuck Netflix. I'd prefer to give my money to people who choose to be inclusive and permissive. That's something I truly value about the McElroys, and they're a constant example to me that neurotypicals aren't all terrible, awful, parasitic, exploitative people. Whenever my mind wants to fall into that pit trap, I remind myself that they exist.

Could be that they're all as autistic as fuck, of course. Heh. But I doubt it. I'll just take them as examples of good neurotypicals, proof that they can exist.

I know this has become a bit of a thing to say about them by this point but... They're good boys. I wish that more people could create entertainment founded on the truly inclusive ideals that they have instead of othering people for entertainment. That shit is harmful. It's going to just reinforce negative stereotypes of autistic people, and autistic kids are going to grow up to another generation of people who aren't self-aware enough to realise that Atypical and shows like it aren't accurate depictions of autism.

At the end of the day, though, I don't hate neurotypicals. I won't. In fact, I categorically refuse to let tribalism win. I want to reach them rather than just turning this hate back on them. So I'll just say that I wish that more of them were aware of this 'default state' is really toxic, and how miserable it makes the lives of others when it's weaponised for their entertainment. It's really not cool.

Not cool at all.

Edit: So, I've done some more reading about this and the autistic community at large seems to be in consensus about Atypical. It's generally just neurotypical writers creating a 'ha ha, look at the idiot' show for other neurotypicals. It's quite painfully obvious in how they did their best to avoid casting autistic actors for the main role, as that may have -- oh no -- resulted in someone calling them on their evil BS.

It gets even better. Check out this review from TV Line. The excuse this reviewer gives is golden. Apparently, for not being the default state -- O Glorious Superiority -- autistic people are unfit for television. We need neurotypical actors to humanise us. What the actual fuck? This is precisely the kind of ableism shows like Atypical promote. It's pure exploitation.

It really is just exploiting us for NT yuks, pure and simple. It's awful, honestly. I watched bits of it here and there and I couldn't stand it.

I saw one post on Twitter that had the following exchange:

"So, you're going to marry your best friend..." "Edison?" "No, not your turtle!" "But you said my best friend!"

And this was followed with 'Atypical is my new, favourite show.' Why? Because it's funny to laugh at the poor, sub-human, troglodytic autistic retards? Oh, poor little hobgoblins.

Sigh.

My brain wants to give into the hate so badly, I can't convey to you how difficult this fight is when all I see are neurotypicals talking about how fantastic Atypical is.

It fucking hurts. It just makes it all the more difficult to not just blanket hate neurotypicals. I am trying, believe me.

I am trying. But Atypical is also trying, it's fraying my last nerve.

That TV Line interview, god. Why do neurotypicals hate us this much? I can't get over it. I try not to make blanket statements but I don't exactly see neurotypicals talking about how bad Atypical is for us. Like I said, generally they're just being vapid all over Twitter and Facebook about how much they love it.

I'm trying so god damned hard to not blanket hate neurotypicals, then something like Atypical has to come along and make the fight against my own darker urges all the more difficult. I don't want to be responsible for that kind of prejudice. It's just so difficult.

I don't even hate them, I guess. I just... I hate them in a way for what I have to be, and the kind of fight I have to fight against myself to not hate them. Which may sound illogical, I know. I admit to having hated neurotypicals for the longest time for precisely this sort of thing. It hurts. It hurts a fucking lot.

I just feel that as much as I try to not hate neurotypicals, they want to hurt me back for trying to hate them twice as bad.

Why? Why is that?

I'm just going to leave this as another shout out to the McElroys, I'd love to see them talk about this. I think it'd do me good to hear neurotypicals actually decry this kind of thing. I just hope they happen to see this, I really do.

That TV Line interview... FML. I'll just leave this at that.