#There was an unpleasant moment where a construction crew eye fucked me but I literally just stare back at men when they have the audacity

[stuckinapril]

if u need a confidence boost literally just walk somewhere in kitten heels with ur music on full blast

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 74

At the last five minutes on the drive home, Pepper called you. Probably, hopefully, deciding to apologize for what a mess that meeting had turned into, and a promise to never schedule another one like it in the far future. A gesture which you would have gratefully accepted. So, as you picked up, “Hey, Pep, can we just go over my schedule in the next few months tomorrow? I think I might need to move some things around.” Resolved now that you and Tony were going to take some time off to heal. You were going to make it happen.

You had to. 

“You mean when I get back, right?” This threw you for an unexpected loop and your silence must have been telling. “I’m going to stay with my family, remember? Because it’s-”

“Christmas! Yes. I remember.” Lying through your teeth. Things had been so out of control lately it had completely slipped by you that the holiday was approaching. And that she’d requested her usual time off months in advance. And that you’d said yes. “Of course. Please. Go be with your family. We’ll talk when you get back.” 

This would end up working out in your favor anyway. You could block out everything else under the guise of wanting to spend some elongated holiday time together. No one needed to know anything else. Yes. This would work perfectly. 

Once the car pulled up to the house, Happy opened your door for you, and then promptly hooked his thumb behind him. “Want me to help you with the mail?” 

“Mail?” 

“Yeah the… we have a sack of fanmail. Tony’s been getting it delivered from the offices to the house.” You had no idea about this, but it seemed nice. In a weird sort of way. A sack of fanmail sounded like too much. Probably too much to go through for even just one person.

“I should probably have someone look into that…” So many things were getting so far beyond you. It wasn’t like he’d never had fanmail before. But before it was mostly horny men and women asking for his phone number. Not serious stuff. You wondered if it was children sending Iron Man drawings and things like that. It would be nice to set up a little department to get his signature to put on return letters… 

Happy walked with you to the trunk, getting, yes, a literal brown sack of mail. Once he hoisted it up, you took it in your arms. It was certainly heavier than it looked, and you were all too pleased when he helped you up the walk and opened the door for you. 

“Thank you. Hey… do you want some time off?” Pepper was taking off. Maybe he should, too. “For the holidays.” 

“I’m alright. Don’t have anyone to spend it with. But- I’m gonna check out for the rest of the night though, if that’s okay with you.” 

You found yourself nodding. “Perfectly fine. ...hey, um… how about- ...would you like it if I did a little get together thing on Christmas? Just… you and me and Tony- maybe Rhodey, if he can come. Would you go to something like that?” This side of your westcoast family was very small. But you loved them dearly. And Happy deserved to know he did have people to spend the holidays with. 

For a long moment he just stared at you and you weren’t sure what he was going to do next. But then there was a swell of choked up happiness and he reached out to put his hands on your arms. “You’re a good woman. You know that right?” 

“Oh- um… thank you?” Not really sure where this was coming from. Maybe he really had been that upset about the whole super friends business, Tony not needing him anymore. All that. 

He nodded. Gave a little sniffle. “I’d like that.” 

“Okay. Well. I’ll text you, when I figure out the details, okay? Enjoy your night off.” Giving him the best genuine smile you could muster. It probably wouldn’t be tonight. But it’d have to be soon. Christmas was only a few days away now. 

But tonight was going to be reserved for something much more unpleasant. There’d be no time for making jolly holiday plans. 

You let Happy go, thanking him as he shut the front door behind you. In you walked, awkwardly with your arms around the bag of mail. Spying Dvahli dangerously perched on top of the left leg of that huge stuffed rabbit. It had become a welcome decor piece in your front foyer. Because it wouldn’t fit anywhere else in the house unless you let another crew come in and move around some other walls. And you’d had quite enough construction. 

“Tony-” Calling out for him, then stopping short as you rounded over, seeing him sitting in his suit on the couch. “...what are you doing?” 

“Waiting for you. Welcome home. Mail call?” 

“Waiting for me in the suit?” This was very very bad. Had he not taken it off since he’d gotten home? And that thought alone… “Hey…” You set the mail bag down aside a lounge chair, sitting on the arm so you could take your shoes off. “I think we need to talk about what happened today.” Just cutting all the fat. Getting right to the chase. You had to. Otherwise he’d dance around it forever.

Like the two of you had been doing. For months now. 

He got up, coming behind you, settling his hands on your shoulders. “What happened today? Bad meeting? Board bother you? HR incident? I hear Happy’s been a real nightmare around the office-” 

Your head fell back, casting a look up his way. “About what happened at the restaurant.” 

His hands started kneading gently at your shoulders, sending a dangerously pleasing feeling bolting through you. Maybe you were a little too stressed. “The crayon thing? I’ll send them a hundred packs to make up for it.” 

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about- and- stop-” Batting his hands away. You got to your feet, facing him. “I’m not going to have this conversation like this. Can you just look at me?” 

“I am looking at you.” Apparently determined to be difficult to the very end. 

“Really look at me, Tony. Take the helmet off, at least.” But you wouldn’t give up. Because this needed to happen. Was he just frightened so much at this point he couldn’t be without the suit? Was that it? 

A few seconds went by before he raised his hand, knocking on the top of the head. “Well- you know- I think it’s jammed. It’s a newer model- tends to happen-” 

You hardly believed this. Not for a moment. Stepping further in, you reached a hand up, laying it on his chest. “Tony…” Dropping just a little into that comfortable space that had always existed between you. Where you could feel him- 

Except-

This time-

There was no one there. 

It wasn’t even a wall between you. It was just empty. Like he didn’t exist at all. 

As if you were falling, knees going a little weak, you reached up, taking hold of him. His hands came out to steady you. “Honey-”

“Where are you??” You went deeper. Darkness taking hold of your vision for a moment. But he just wasn’t there. There was nobody there. Tony was gone. Panic consumed you for a hot moment- and then you finally connected. He wasn’t there. And it wasn’t that your powers had abandoned you. 

He was beneath you, and not really here at all. 

You shoved the suit back. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” You had tried to promise yourself, and him silently, that you’d not be angry. That you wouldn’t explode, no matter how frustrated you got. But this was cutting it close. 

Stomping your way down the spiral staircase to the lab, you keyed the door open and found him just letting himself down from exercising. A tray of food accompanied by a few empty glasses of wine sat in the corner. He had ten different TV stations on, all streaming news of the Mandarin. And as he put his hands together and turned around to look at you, you saw a new little device adorning his head. Like half a visor, one blue piece of glass over his left eye. “Busted.” 

“Busted? That’s all you’ve got?” 

“Uh. I’m… in trouble?” 

It took you a few seconds more than it should have to try and cool down. Take stock of the room. How he looked. He was suddenly crossing his arms. On the defensive. “We need to talk about what happened today.” 

“What happened?” 

“At the restaurant.” 

He shrugged. “I had to- I remembered something-” 

“You had a panic attack and ran.” 

“Oh so when you have an episode on the side of a road, it’s fine, but I’m being aggressed now because-” 

“Am I aggressing you? Is that what you feel like?” When he opened his mouth to continue this mutual onslaught, you held your hands up and it finally fled out of you. “Stop! Stop it!” This really did put a stop. To him. To everything. You felt fresh tears. “Tony… please… I’m not trying to give you an ultimatum but I can’t- ...I’m not sure I can go on like this anymore-”

“Sounds like an ultimatum to me.” 

He was determined. Absolutely determined not to talk about this. Not now. Not ever? You had no idea. But you knew what you were saying was true. You couldn’t continue living like this. But how could you help someone who refused to be helped? Who wouldn’t acknowledge that he needed help? Maybe it was your fault. For not admitting it either. 

You wanted to. But instead, pushing your hands at your eyes where fresh tears were leaking, you shook your head and turned away. Productive discussion wasn’t going to happen like this. Not with you over emotional and him stonewalling you. 

But as you put your hand on the doorframe, back turned to him, he startled you by shouting.

“Wait! Okay- alright. I admit it. I’m sorry.” And as you half turned to look at him, he squeezed his arms tighter together. Holding himself. “I’m a piping hot mess. It’s been going on for a while.” 

Finally.

If this wasn’t so serious you’d feel absolutely relieved. You rewarded his opening up by stepping away from the door and closer to him. “Me, too. I know. And it’s been hard.” 

The corner of his mouth twitched. He still hadn’t let his arms down yet. His tone dropped. So did his eyes. Avoiding looking at you. “Nothing’s been the same since New York.” 

Reaching up, you soothed your hands over his biceps, getting him to unfurl his arms. He dropped to sit on a stool as if he couldn’t bear his own weight anymore, and you stepped in closer, wrapping yours around him, letting him cling to you in turn. “New York changed everything. And that’s saying a lot. We’ve been through… too much. But New York was…” 

“Eye opening.” His head moved to lay against your shoulder. “You experience things and then they're over and you still can't explain 'em. Gods, aliens, other dimensions.” Tilting, he looked up at you, and you held his gaze softly. “You can hold your own- with them, but me I’m just- I...I'm just a man in a can.”

Just as gently as everything else, your hands worked up to lift that visor off his face. Giving you full access to the look in his eyes. How he was regarding you. Watching. “You’re more than that.” 

He huffed out an air of what might be semi-disagreement. But his eyes closed for a brief moment. “I know- it’s been hard- I think the only reason I haven't cracked up is because of you. And- I love you, I'm lucky.” It wasn’t too hard to sense the lurch in his tone. 

Lifting again, you cupped the sides of his neck in your palms. “But.” 

“But…” Echoing you. Trying to get a hold on his thoughts. “I can't sleep, honey. I can’t- think. About anything but this. And sometimes even that’s too much for me.”  

Pulling him close in again, you rested your head atop his as you laid his against your chest. It was hard to know what to say. A few tears escaped, despite your best efforts. “We’re not okay.” 

“We’re not.” Another soft after thought. 

“But I think that’s okay… we can get through this, Tony.” Trying. Trying to be strong for the both of you.

He cracked your resolve almost instantly as he looked up. The look in his eyes was somewhere in the middle of terrified and disbelieving. “I don’t know anymore. I just- what I do know-...” You gave him room to think about this. To finally put it all out there. It took him a minute before he spoke again. His hold was crushing then. “Threat is imminent, and I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you.”

Right now it was too raw. Somewhere in you, you understood this. But you also knew what was making him say that. And it was beyond you. All you really wanted was to understand. You shouldn’t have asked. But stupidly, you did anyway. “What did you see?” 

His panic fluttered, gaze going a little dead. Like he was up there again. Seeing something frightening. 

Quickly you shifted your hands to cup his cheeks, holding his face, nudging him back to you. “Never mind. Don’t. Don’t think about that right now. We’ll get there.” You let him take his time. Waiting. Waiting until it seemed like his gaze focused. Centered again. Like he was actually looking at you and not through you. Or beyond you to some terrible menace. 

Threat is imminent. 

What did that mean? What did he see up there? 

It had shaken him to his very core. 

You had had an inkling about this. Thought that was maybe the reason why… “Do you think… just for a little while… you could try scaling back the suit building?” 

“Uh…” 

“How many are there? What number is the one creepily standing behind me?” Brushing your hands back through his hair. Gentle.

As gentle as you could be with him. 

He seemed guilty as he admitted, “Mn… that’s… Mark 42.” 

It was hard to remember what number he was at, when the whole New York thing had happened. It certainly wasn’t anywhere close to that. “Right. So… I think that’s enough for now… don’t you?” Trying to coax him. Gently. 

His gaze bounced, down then up at you again, then to the side, then down again. “I- can maybe take a break.” 

“A break is good.” Soothing him again. Fingers running through his hair one last time, delighting in the comfort and ease it rippled through him. His eyes slipped closed, and he moved in to lay his head against your chest again. 

“I love you.” 

You wrapped your arms around him. “I love you, too, Tony. We’re- ...we’ll be okay. We’ll get there.” 

“You keep saying we. What about you? We gonna talk about you?” 

Not that you wanted to shut him down or be a hypocrite, but… “One thing at a time. Let’s… let’s get someone from Rhodey’s list- or JARVIS’. Tomorrow. Okay?” One step at a time. If you could just get him to commit to putting a pause on the army of suits and to sit down with you and look at a list of names- 

He nodded, still holding on to you. “Yeah. Okay.” 

Just a little, you tried to nudge him upward, feeling relief as he lifted to stand. “I’m gonna go upstairs. Take a shower. I need to wash this last meeting off me. Will you come with me?” 

Invitation sent and easily received, he put his arm around your shoulder. “That Killian guy, right?” 

“How do you know that?” Was he checking up on you while you were at work, too? Maybe JARVIS had said something or-

“Happy seemed concerned.” 

Hm. You supposed that made sense. The air in the living room seemed fresher than you remembered. “He didn’t like them. I didn’t either, to be fair- but- oh that reminds me. I said we’d get together and do something for Christmas.” 

“Reminds me, too. Been so busy I haven’t even gotten around to hanging JARVIS’ stocking yet.” 

A true holiday tradition. And, no doubt at hearing his name, JARVIS in his sweet sassy tone piped up with, “I was waiting for a good moment to mention it, sir.” 

You leaned your head against Tony as the two of you walked by the couch and made your way to the master bedroom. “I ordered two new ones, too. For Dvahli, and LUNA…” 

He huffed out a warm little noise. “Quite the family we’re growing here…” 

And that was enough. It was enough of a start. That was all you needed, the both of you. To start. To admit things were wrong. And that you were going to try and fix them. Together. The swell of relief lasted long enough to keep him out of the lab for the rest of the night. Through a long, relaxing hot shower. Through a light dinner. Long enough still to take him to bed. To get him to close his eyes. To sleep finally. 

It just didn’t last long. Maybe three hours after the two of you had drifted off, he pinged you on both levels. His tossing and turning shifting your awareness. And it was his anxiety that threw you completely from sleep. Sitting half up you turned to him.

His skin was glowing with a sheen of sweat. Breathing hard. Hands moving. Clutching. Gasping for air. Mumbling tight noises. 

You set your hand on his arm. “Tony-” And when that didn’t work you gave him a little shake. “Tony… wake up…” Not just a nightmare he was suffering from. The same feelings he was having now were the same ones that came on at the restaurant. 

Just suffering under his own mental weight. Under these shadows. These things- 

A light in your peripheral startled you, as did that familiar whir of a repulsor charging up. Jerking to the side you held both hands up as you caught sight of the Iron Man suit lurching over you. Free hand reaching to grip your shoulder.

“Tony!” 

Finally more than enough to yank him out of sleep. He sat up with a startled cry, and then immediately shifted to kneeling next to you, putting one hand up as if in warning. “Power down!” Getting those two words out in a croak. 

The suit did just that, lights dimming before it turned to walk to the other side of the room. Your attention diverted, “What the hell was that?!” Why would a suit- his suit- just come up here and attack you? Some new program he’d been working on going haywire- or- 

It took you longer than it should have to take stock of him. His hand had fallen to your shoulder, clutching tight, the other holding his chest just above the Arc Reactor. His head was craned forward, and you could hear the hard breaths falling out of him. “I- I must have called it in my sleep- it’s not supposed to do that- I’ll- ...I’ll fix it- I just-” 

Winding your arm around him, you eased him to a more comfortable sitting position, off his knees, resting against the headboard. “It’s okay, Tony. It’s alright. We’re okay. Just breathe, okay?” 

“Yeah- breathe- having a hard time catching my breath…” The light from the Reactor was casting its usual pale glow, making it easier to see as he looked up at you. Desperation wreaking havoc in his eyes. Throughout his entire body. “Don’t go, alright?” 

Your brows knit, and you made a point of sitting closer. Drawing him in more, allowing him to half lie on you, putting his head on your shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere, Tony… we’re okay… we’ll be alright. Take your time.” Echoing his useful words to you those few days ago when you’d been falling apart. 

Whatever had happened just then had clearly been an accident. It may have scared him as much as it had you. And whatever he had that linked him with the suit- a discussion for a later time when he was feeling better- was clearly some fight or flight response. Triggered by some nightmare he’d been having. You couldn’t imagine the torture he was living through. Your heart ached for him. And him thinking you’d been upset enough to just leave when he was in this sort of state… 

“We’re alright.” You told him again, slowly. Softly. “We’re alright…” 

His clammy forehead pressed against your shoulder, hiding his face there, but you felt him nod. “Sure. We’re alright.” He didn’t really sounded like he believed it.

Maybe because he knew what was about to happen next. 

JARVIS’ delicate voice lit up the room. “Sir. Ma’am. Mr. Hogan has just been taken to the hospital in critical condition. The media is reporting the area he was taken from as the site of a Mandarin bombing.” 

It was hard to come to grips with this information. So strange. For a moment you felt faraway. On a tilting axis. Like you were falling off the earth. Happy…? But why? Why him? You’d just made plans… you- 

Tony’s arms came around you suddenly, very nearly crushing you. Fierce protectiveness flared up inside him, swirling inside of a deep cauldron alongside terror. And a painful sadness that would have been too hard to put into words. 

The Mandarin had attacked Rhodey’s air base. 

The Mandarin had just put Happy in the hospital. 

This all seemed too coincidental… didn’t it? The only question was...

What would he do next?