#They didn’t even get to go through poke-puberty just straight to adult form

[driftingballoons]

Day 2: Evolution

it may not evolution in the typical sense, but they can’t dwell on that right now

@heropartnerweek

[i-am-thornqueen]

Your addition to that post is incredible and I think you’re so amazingly accomplished! But please expand on more dumb shit your brothers have done because I’m laughing so hard literal tears are forming (why cinnamon in the ass? What would that achieve??? I’m dying)

You are absolutely too sweet, my dear! And I am always happy to expand on dumb shit my brothers have done. There really isn’t any shortage for dumbassery in my family! 8D 

When one brother was young, he was a bottomless black-hole of eating. He wouldn’t stop eating no matter what. He didn’t even have a tapeworm or anything, he just loved eating. He got into the habit of eating out of the garbage can to the point where my mother had to duct tape our garbage can shut so that a 2 year old didn’t throw himself headfirst into to, which was always great trying to explain to our guests. 

The other brother was the sort to lick, poke, prick, prod, or pinch anything he could get his hands on. By the time he was five, he managed to overdose on Tylenol twice, eat a whole bottle of Flintstone vitamins, sucked a Ventolin inhaler dry, and drink Mr. Clean cleaning solution. Also by the time he was five, Poison Control knew us by name. 

The youngest one also liked to eat felt-tipped markers for some reason. It’s not like the tasted good or anything, but he had an obsession with biting the tips off of markers. It meant there was only Crayola non-toxic markers in the house, because no one wanted to find out what happened when a 3 yo ate a Sharpie. So one day, he broke into my art box and stole my markers and was in the process of eating all the blue ones when I found him. He had blue all over his face, his mouth was blue, he had blue foam and drool dripping down his front. He was also in his underwear, because apparently you can’t eat felt-tipped markers with your clothes on. It was also at this time that his Speech Therapist showed up, because he had a speech impediment, and no one believed me when I said it was because of the markers. WELL. Apparently adults freak out when you drag a naked, screaming child down the hallway who is literally blue in the face, foaming blue at the mouth, and there was enough blue dye in the markers to somehow get into his tear ducts and there is now blue tears streaming down his face. My mom had to very carefully explain that no, he doesn’t have rabies, he just comes that way. 

Both of them are also strangely indestructible, which probably works in their favour considering how stupid they are.

My youngest brother once came out of a ditch on his dirt bike and ended up on a gravel road where a woman was doing 70 km/hr (fucking speeding 20 over the limit), and there was no time for him to get out of the way. So, all he did was lift his leg so it didn’t go under the car with his bike and let the car hit him. He hit the windshield, hit the hood, hit the ground, and then got up, said “sorry I hit your car, lady,” and walked home.  

Another time, both of them were playing on a trampoline when one accidentally fell down and tripped the other one to fall, teeth-first, on top of him. The force of impact rammed one brother’s teeth straight down through the top of the other brother’s scalp until you could see bone; landing teeth-first was also enough force to actually sheer my brother’s molars’ crowns off so his teeth ended up perfectly smooth. Luckily, they were all baby teeth, so they were eventually replaced. When my mom and i came home later than day, one had an ice pack on his head and the other in his mouth, and neither said nothing about it. 

And speaking of baby teeth, guess how that brother got rid of his baby teeth! As soon as he learned that teeth had cash value, he got it into his head that he could get a lot for very little just by ripping them out of his head. It was not uncommon to come home and find him sitting in his underwear on the couch with a pair of pliers he stole from my dad, watching TV while he absentmindedly used heavy duty tools to wiggle his sheered off baby teeth out of his mouth. 

And like, this is basically all before puberty set in. Believe it or not, they just got weirder after that. ^^;