#Time to go bed..Is 5:30 am..I need to be up at 6...Oopsie | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ohh-kaye · 4 years

Text

my grad year in notes

13/01/2020 21:59

day one orientation complete.

i don’t know how i’ll do this. maybe i’ll update when i can but let’s see if i can finish this year and i’m still doing this. HELLO FUTURE ME! I HOPE YOU WEREN’T FIRED!

1. a lot of sitting was done today

2. i walked in on someone taking a shit

3. i didn’t wear my uniform so me and this other guy stood out

4. i’m the only one going to ed

5. i met quite a lot of people today, all of whom are just as scared as i am

6. there’s more sitting tomorrow

16/01/2020 21:54

lookie lookie i forgot to write anything for the last 2 days

i won’t recap the days i’ve missed bc cbf

1. supernumerary shift began today

2. worked with ash and abbie. nice nurses to start working with bc i’m lost.

3. none of my patients were horrible

4. didn’t get to handover. didn’t get to do a full work-up on my own. didn’t get to do any meds. didn’t get to sign onto oacis. didn’t get to do my corporate orientation. must do these before next week

5. still too shy to talk to anyone. will get there

6. saw another classmate from uni whose finishing her grad year

7. nervous for tomorrow’s next supernumerary shift because it’ll be the last before i’m on my own

8. uniform arrived today. no one picked up

21/01/2020 23:16

i keep forgetting to do these. it’s already going downhill.

1. second day on the floor but first day being semi-independent

2. have yet to give handover

3. worked with erika. she’s just finished her grad

4. chill shift so not too stressed out

5. feeling a little less scared now

6. uni students just started and i’m relieved because i’m not the only one whose confused

7. i hope i gave all my meds

22/01/2020 21:33

STUDY DAY ONE COMPLETE!

1. this day happened at the perfect time. it’s smack dab in the middle of my week where i have to work 5 days straight

2. it’s nice to see everyone and catch up with them and see how they’re all doing

3. everyone seems so be in a state of struggle and particularly this one dude who i feel bad for. i hope he’ll recover

4. saw one person from my year and she’s working there (and not as a grad) so i cannot avoid her now

5. considering that everyone is as lost and confused and adjusting as i am, it makes me feel better that we’re all in the same boat

6. lida and me won 2nd place in the treasure hunt

7. sad that the next study date isn’t until march

8. relieved that we do have debrief sessions

9. we received our TPPP book. must read soon and figure out objectives for jess and i to discuss

10. i have a strange feeling that i will breakdown at some point during this year

27/01/2020 22:59

hello i’m tired.

1. first time in area b

2. confused as fuck

3. worked with jess and kam. 10 out of 10 would work with again

4. didn’t get to meet 2 patients that i “had”

5. didn’t handover majority of them to other staff because i had no idea they left

6. 2 demanding patients took up a lot of time

7. 1 of the 2 mentioned ran away. don’t know where the fuck she went

8. pissed off because of her for the last hour or 2

9. getting more comfortable with handing over

10. getting more comfortable with talking to doctors and other nurses

11. breakdown gauge is filling up slowly

04/02/2020 21:09

i swear i keep forgetting to do these. i know i have to do them but i get home and it’s the last thing on my mind.

anywayssss

1. area d morning again. not bad.

2. worked with jess. she’s an actual legend.

3. maybe working in paeds tomorrow???

4. didn’t form good nursing rapport. i sort of just went into rooms, did obs, ask if they needed anything. nothing special

5. everyone’s still really nice. except this one filo nursing who looks at me weird because i smile at her when i see her and she doesn’t so i don’t know if i should even bother bc she does seem like a bitch

6. patient transfers are better if i know my patient

06/02/2020 22:44

last day of being 5 days on.

i’m tired.

1. area a for the first time

2. worked with jess. again. absolute legend.

3. did an oopsie with paracetamol. must remember to give the drug immediately and not wait. also maybe should have double checked that patient had not had a dose yet

4. i forgot to give a discharge letter. AGAIN. will make sure i ask next time

5. lovely patients today

6. nights on my next roster

7. feeling better with working with everyone

16/02/2020 21:54

i have nights tomorrow. holy fuck. i’m actually already tired.

1. have not done objectives yet

2. met the other grad. she seems like she’s got her life together

3. worked with jess but i was in area b so i barely saw her

4. busy as heck but wasn’t too overwhelming this time around

5. alex the doctor is pretty

6. getting better at escalating care and talking with the docs

7. everyone is still nice

8. i saw sue again! sue is the very first nurse i worked with ever! (in 1D) we love sue. sue’s a legend

18/02/2020 15:30

oh lord

1. first night shift DONE!

2. tired

3. this is different than AIN stuff

4. i’m a lot less anxious. but also a lot less relieved

5. tired

6. don’t know how i will survive ronight

7. worked with another jess. she’s 23. she’s only a year older than me and heck she’s got her nursing game together

8. nilda remembered me from placement!

9. handover i did was a mess

23/02/2020 22:30

hi i’m tired

hello tired i’m kaye

1. area b is dumb area b is the bane of my existence

2. i realise now that i hate working on my own because i’m actually retarded

3. my patient was fucking hypothermic, diaphoretic and nauseous. he came in with a chest pain. i took some bloods for a repeat trop but i didn’t flush it because i was putting fluids up (which in hindsight i still should’ve flushed) but i didn’t forget to do it! i was going to do it! but ecg is more important so i was trying to do an ecg but the patient was so sweaty that the leads wouldn’t stay on and he was freezing but also sweating and he was getting chills anytime you took the blanket off of him and i gave him 3 warm blankets already and temp was still low. so amy and i hunted down some friar’s something to dry out the skin but the bottle wouldn’t open. i then had to shave him because he was hairy and then i couldn’t work the clippers so the wife had to step in (and i already had a weird look from them because i assumed she was the daughter when she was the wife ffs) and he was legit judging me and he was almost crying and she had to shave him because i didn’t know what i was doing (thank fuck she was a hairdresser). managed to do an ecg but then the doctor came in and said that i should’ve flushed the cannula and i was like shit and i understand why he was a bit irritated. i would be too. i should’ve flushed it i know. then i got the ecg but he was like secure the cannula first, but i was like but ecg is the priority but he was insistent in securing the cannula and my patient is fucking freezing and amy and i secured it and doctor came in wanting a postural bp and patient’s annoyed that i have to stand him up. he’s still having the chills mind you. got that sorted out in the end. but holy shit. he got better. he apologised to me after and family were thanking me but i felt like shit the whole time because i was an actual fuck up there. i was so lost

4. the other patient who had a blood clot in his leg was really jolly though so that helped lighten the mood. i hope he’s going to be okay

5. i really thought i was going to kill someone today. not in an angry way but in a medical way because i feel like i was being negligent

6. bad day. bad day

7. oh and i misread my roster so i woke up a 0530, about to leave at 0630 only to then find out that i don’t have a shift in the early because my phone didn’t alarm. that was fun

8. there was a new pretty doctor there though. his name is mikee. :) he cute. he’s also filo.

07/03/2020 23:28

everything hurts

a box fell on my face

my nose was bleeding

my face was hurting

and i was crying

1. my first thought was “oh fuck is my nose broken. i can’t go to work if my nose is broken”

2. my nose wasn’t broken

3. it’s banged up and it’s still hurting and i think the inside of my nose is swollen because i can’t breathe as well

4. i probably should’ve gone to ED where i work now but cbf

5. i went to work. i worked with cath.

6. she’s nice

7. jess t told me to keep checking my charts even though she works with me

8. i think it was a warning because she maybe she forgets things???

9. i’m tired though

10. dylan’s pretty but he’s dating someone and i think my heart broke a little bit. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH wtf

i hope i didn’t have a concussion.

10/03/2020 22:28

STUDY DAY TWO COMPLETED!

1. was at modbury gp plus

2. i miss lyell mac

3. everyone’s sort of doing okay?

4. someone cried because her patients kept dying

5. she’s in palliative care. what did she expect?

6. someone moved to a different ward completely???

7. i’m hearing that people are getting overwhelmed

8. and i’m here loving ed and i don’t want to leave

9. i don’t want to go to 2b

10. craig cooper asked the second language people to say one word in their language and all of my tagalog words magically went away and all i could think was “kalabasa” ad i said that and it means pumpkin

11. fucking PUMPKIN???!!! wtf

12. one girl talked for half an hour which delayed the whole class

13. pls stop

14. paula seems nice

15. i still hate people

15/03/2020 23:36

bad day today

1. covid sucks i’m over it

2. worked in area b

3. started off okay

4. then mia went on break.

5. let me preface this that this is not her fault but my overthinking of everything

6. so i was cleaning up a patient’s room and danielle came in and said “Can you work up the patient in front of cubicle 16 because he’s a priority 2 and has chest pain” so i finished up my stuff quickly and then proceeded to go to cubicle 16 where danielle was already wheeling the patient inside and helping him to the barouche. the family member was there and was not helpful at all. AT ALL. so once he was in bed, danielle went and she called the priority 2. cool. i was left with the patient. i was about to do a workup when the consultant came to respond to the priority 2. she said “you need to do obs first before the work up because i can’t assess him if i don’t know his obs” and i thought “fair enough”. i stopped doing the workup. but then he told me that he needed to go to the toilet. i didn’t think it would’ve been good to take him there because his legs were swollen and it would take forever. so i offered a bottle. i’m not sure if he understood a lot of what i was saying because he did have a language barrier but the family member was not translating anything at all. she legit sat there and watched me struggle. as i was talking to him about the bottle, he started peeing in front of me. urine was leaking through his pants and his gown. i quickly ran out to get a bottle and when i got back, i was wanting to remove his pants to get him to use the bottle but he wouldn’t understand what i was saying. i kept pulling his pants down and saying “can you lift your bottom?” as i was looking at the family member to translate but she was sitting there like a fucking idiot watching her family member piss himself. he wasn’t cooperating and because he looked so unwell, i abandoned ship and proceeded to do the obs. he was in 3 red zones and 2 in yellow zones. i was freaking out at this point. i knew this was CRT criteria but i wanted to tell the consultant first because i assumed that she had taken him on already. i quickly ran to the consultant and told her the obs and that he met CRT criteria. she flat out said “well i don’t care. just give him some panadol and some fluids” and she started writing them up. i was livid at this point because i had never been dismissed like that and i was really concerned and i thought that by seeing how severe his vital signs were, she would encourage me to escalate it further but she didn’t. she didn’t care apparently. as i was walking back to the patient’s room, i saw mia. she was back from break. i called her and said “ i have a new patient for you in cubicle 16″. she seemed fine before this by the way. she asked “did you do a work-up?” and i flipped the folder open and i said “no because i wanted to do obs first” and then she just looked really annoyed and sighing at this point. i showed her the obs and that he was really unwell and i said what the consultant said that she just wanted panadol and fluids. she said “well, it is what it is”. by this time, she was really annoyed and said “i’ll do it”. i gave her the paperwork and she went into the cubicle shaking her head and looking really annoyed. i was so confused at this point. this threw me off for the rest of the shift. i didn’t know if what i did was right or wrong. i didn’t finish the workup because his obs were more important than me filling out paperwork. and i didn’t get to do panadol and fluids because i literally just received this from the consultant. i don’t know if she was annoyed with me because i didn’t finish anything or if it was because i gave her a sick patient. my mindset was like “well, if she’s back and she’ll be taking over, then what’s the point in me having to finish the workup if i have to tell you again. just do the workup yourself because he is your patient and it would make more sense if you had the full story yourself”. i don’t know. then i hear from the doctor talking to the other doctor that i was freaking out just because his obs were “a bit funny”. i just felt awful

7. everything felt quite tense after. like i didn’t know if i should bother helping because i just kept thinking “what’s the point? she already thinks i’m a bad nurse so i don’t see the point in trying to be helpful”

8. i don’t know if i’m just hormonal and i’m overthinking everything again

9. mia did take my care and control but i felt so embarrassed because she’s helping me but i couldn’t do her the same courtesy by finishing the workup and the overall care i was supposed to give to her cubicle 16 patient.

10. then i had to handover my patients to veronica’s mom and i feel like none of the filos like me. i can just feel it. she seems cold and filo-like. i don’t like their vibe.

i’m just upset and hormonal and i don’t know if i should talk to jess or jane about this because i feel awful and i feel like a bad nurse.

04/04/2020 2334

I'm on my tablet but since this is a momentos occasion, I thought I neede to make an update. Let's keep this short.

1. Covid still sucks. I'm over it

2. Worked for the first time in paeds with alana

3. I don't know how I feel

4. I still am too uncomfy with kids

5. I hate it

6. I dont think imlearned anthying tjough

7. Thats whats sad because i really wanted to learm but i dont know if i was just in a bad time with alana

8. Iy wouldve been helpgul ig i werebwith jess or jae bevause they ouldbe brennmore supportive

9. Not that alana wasnt supportive, it's more that maybe she didn't know what to do and I also didn't know what to do???

10. I specialled someone around the end which is good because I got out of paeds

11. I think I'm doing well though, considering I didn't get much out of it

12. Like my workups weren't as bad but my paediatric assessment is complete shit though. I need to be better at it.

13. Dylan was there he still cute

07/04/2020 15:48

aaaaaaaaaaa

1. woke up at 0530

2. went to work at 0640

3. i arrive at handover and they tell me that i’m not on

4. i look stupid and the filos are laughing at me like “wow this bitch is actually retarded”

5. i talk to the dnc and someone had apparently changed my shift

6. dnc asks “did you swap shifts with anyone?” and i’m like “no”

7. dude i was not gonna go home i’m up wtf

8. dnc said that i could stay if they wanted me to stay

9. i stayed

10. they put me in paeds with laura

11. no one was there

12. so we moved into the main departmentt

13. apparently, there was sophie was the only one in a1 so i went there to help

14. they let me stay

15. i found deb and chatted with her about this and she said she’d look into it but i don’t know if she did because corona is basically running ed at this point

16. i’m gonna have to keep track of my next payslip to make sure that they paid me for this day

17. anyways

18. my patient had 2 seizures

19. i think she drooled on my upper arm when i was holding her down for the doctor to put a cannula in

20. other than that... shift was fine

21. i’m glad that i got to be in area without my preceptor because i like knowing that i can survive in there without my safety net even though i love my safety net to be close by

25/04/2020 0820

haven’t been back in a while so i thought i’d update. oh and happy birthday to my brother!

1. 3rd night in a row

2. i’m tired but not sleepy

3. i was in eecu

4. alone

5. it wasn’t too bad though

6. all my patients were very good

7. 7 patients of my own but obviously i had help

8. yas, stephen and cath are fab

9. someone was really needy though. toilet breaks are exhausting

10. i need my objectives done soon

11. happy birthday bro

01/05/2020 0003

i had a late yesterday. i know i decided that if i passed the next day without writing anything, i wouldn’t “recount” but because i haven’t actually slept through this then i guess i’ll write about yesterday

1. i had a bad day

2. i feel like i’ve failed everyone

3. and my acne is getting bad and my hair was a mess.

4. i started my shift with my patient having a bgl of 52. he was eventually moved into resus to get an art line in but i was going to do his obs and a bgl but all the doctors were there and they were wanting to do so many things at the same time and i got so overwhelmed and i didn’t know what to do first. his obs? the fluids that were literally just written up? his meds? his insulin infusion? the art line that they wanted set up? emptying his nasogastric tube? his IDC? moving him into area a or to resus? he got moved to resus as i said. i thought all was fine but in the back of my head i can hear myself saying “you didn’t do this. you didn’t do that. you’re an incompetent piece of shit” over and over again. one of the resus nurses came over and asked me if there was a reason why i didn’t do a sugar on him. she looked like she was in a rush so i just said “no”. then she walked off and said “she’ll do it”. i must’ve been disgusting to her after that. i didn’t want to give her an excuse or explain myself because at the end of the day, i didn’t do it and it’s my fault and i get it. but holy fuck my brain didn’t stop telling me that i was doing a shitty job.

5. one of my patients dropped her blood pressure to 60/40. i was so fucking scared man. you don’t even know. thankfully dr su was there to manage her quickly. yas was also such a gem. we managed to get her back up but i thought she was going to die.

6. everyone else was otherwise fine but that just set the tone for my whole shift and i just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry.

7. i’m glad i’m off tomorrow.

8. i’m just a mess right now so i’m going to stay as one for a while.

... and we’ll pick ourselves up from this and do it all again when we get back to work.

22/05/2020 21:49

I should really stop making a habit of writing on here when I’ve had a bad shift

1. First time I was intentionally put in Area A.

2. I was with Maria.

3. I’m sad.

4. I’m really sad.

5. I’m also on my period so maybe it’s just hormones.

6. Anyways... I just feel like a mess. It’s like I just shut down and I didn’t know what I was doing the entire time. I just had this sudden insecurity that everyone’s looking at me weird because I looked like I was lost.

7. And I guess I was.

8. I think it’s just that I didn’t have my preceptors around and I sort of look to them for comfort. It’s like knowing that they’re there, I feel better. I think I miss being new because I was rightfully lost. Now, there’s no excuse for me not to know what I’m doing.

9. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have anyone yell at me or judge me for doing anything wrong. I had a relatively okay shift but it’s this underlying feeling of inferiority and feeling like I didn’t belong here.

10. It was just incredibly hectic and I feel overwhelmed.

11. That’s the word. I feel “overwhelmed”.

12. I look to the other grads and I see them like they’re ahead of me and I know that there’s no competition here but dear god are they fucking good.

13. And I feel stupid

14. I am stupid.

15. I had 3 patients that I worked up and when it came to handover I forgot everything and Maria had to do all the talking. I was just a mess.

16. I handed over a patient to AMU (to another grad) and this patient had a “pressure sore”. I was fucking freaking out because why dear lord does this person have a pressure sore when he’s independent. The grad was like “I’ll put the SLS in later”. I was mentally freaking out at this point because why didn’t I know this?! Why don’t I know this?! I’m his fucking nurse for crying out loud. It turns out, he fell on a candle and it wasn’t a pressure sore but holy shit I’m sure that the grad and the nurses in AMU were judging me for not being a good nurse.

17. And they’re right. I’m not a good nurse.

18. I’m a bad one.

19. I received my last roster and I swear I could’ve burst into tears at some point because I probably won’t get hired in ED.

20. It’s such a shame that I have a night on my last shift.

21.It feels uneventful.

22. I know that it’s what I would’ve wanted, an uneventful departure, but I don’t know... I would’ve personally enjoyed the fact that I’d be walking out of ED in the daytime with my head held high and not a tired mess, hobbling to the car and eager to sleep when I get home.

It’s only now hitting me that this is the last month that I’ll be here. I’ll be sure to document significant points. Not to soon, I’ll be back on here probably complaining about how fucking retarded I am for leaving my objectives to the last minute and not having the initiative to work with Jane on the shifts leading up to my PRND. I am actually pretty worried about this. And my upcoming GAMSAT next week is not helping.

25/05/2020 2305

exhausted and sad

1. i was in paeds today

2. i’m sort of glad that i was because the main department was just gross with how many people came in

3. 78 patients is what we all ended with

4. i worked with alli. she’s a gem

5. i was intimidated but holy hell did we plough through

6. i felt like i just did an absolutely terrible job today to be perfectly honest.

7. while alli was on break, we literally had 1 pending transfer to the kids ward, 1 waiting for ambulance, 2 ambulances that needed to handover, 3 kids in the waiting room, 1 kid that needed her urine dipsticked and drug screened, 1 kid that needed crutches, 1 room that needed a barouche that we were waiting on and 1 kid who needed fluids up because he was fasting.

8. bethany, the student, was fucking brilliant. i must remember to tell phuong

9. i’m just done after 4 shifts in a row.

10. i’m over it

11. today was also the last day i saw jess

12. i have 5 days off and she goes on annual leave in 4 days

13. i’m actually getting emotional right now hahaha

14. she saw me off as she was leaving. i’m crying. holy fuck.

15. she’s just been a safe haven when i work with her and i couldn’t thank her enough for being such an amazing preceptor and teaching me all i could about working in emergency. she’s one of the good ones. the fact that she takes time out of our shift to sit down with me and talk me through things i don’t know. allowing me to be independent. making me feel like i belong. catching up with me when i needed it. i didn’t really utilise that as much as i should have but the security that i had her as my preceptor was enough. i will actually miss working with her during this last month. i got her something from lush and she gave me a hug and said that i did really well and that she’d be a referee and that she’d be glad to see me come back to ED. that was the most reassuring compliment ever. i’m so sad right now. i was so lucky with getting jess because holy shit did she take care of me. i did well in making sure that i brought her that gift because it turns out i won’t be seeing her for a while. ugh. my heart hurts. i wish her the absolute best and i don’t really wish that on anyone. thank you jess. truly.

in summary, i am an emotional mess because i’m finishing soon and i’m starting to miss everything about ED but also wtf why is it so fucking busy?

06/06/2020 2004

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. everytime katrina is on, she makes me do relieving at another ward

2. excuse me

3. i could’ve declined because she gave me the option to but she asked me AT handover in front of everyone so what the heck was i going to do? say no?????

4. anyway

5. i went to 2a

6. i had a patient load for the first time

7. i was going to work with karen, another grad

8. good thing i let her know because i certainly wasn’t comfortable working with a grad and she wasn’t as well

9. i worked with darren today which is fine because he was a gem. i was lost without his help today and i’m just so glad that i was with him

10. i haven’t worked in a ward in 2 years so i was so lost because i had to do meds and washes. i didn’t even get to finish those until 11.

11. it was so clear that i was lagging behind. i was so fucking nervous that i was being looked at weird because i was slow

12. i had no clue what i was doing

13. the patient asked me what meds are for what and i didn’t know

14. its fine. i survived and it gave me a brief taste of what it would be in the ward when i do go to 2b

15. it’ll be fine

16. fine.

17. f.i.n.e.

18. fine

19. i did miss ED a lot today

i think study day is when i’ll be coming back on here. it’ll be the last one for this rotation. help me i’m scared.

10/06/2020 0011

i’m a few hours late but i haven’t slept on this shift yet so i’ll recap

1. worked in A2 with erika!!!

2. i haven’t worked with her for a while so i’m glad i have

3. the song “what a journey it has been” keeps playing in my head

4. cate, the student, gave me some jelly beans :) she’s an actual gem

5. i remember working with her on her first day at paeds with jess and now it’s the last time i see her

6. i was actually so touched when she caught up with me and gave me those because it harks back to our first conversation of me going to costco and getting jelly beans

7. i really hope she does well in life because she’s a precious gem

8. i hope she gets a grad in paeds or she becomes a paramedic

9. anywayssss

10. a2 was crazy busy

11. almost everyone of our patients were sickies

12. we had falls, copd exacerbation, chest painssss, palpitations, fractures, ulcers, people with dementia, someone who was 210 kgs, dementia patient who was having an intracranial haemorrhage

13. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

14. having to do hourly obs on everyone was impossible

15. this shift was crazy

16. i’m glad i have study day tomorrow

17. deb wasn’t around to sign my stuff

18. oops

19. thinking if i should get jane and erika something to say goodbye and thanks???

i woke up at 10am yesterday so i’m not tired. but fuck i have to wake up at 6. oof

15/06/2020 2027

i have no time to write this but i have 5 shifts left so lets speed run this

1. i’m really sad right now

2. i worked with audrey in eecu

3. she’s so fucking smart it’s amazing

4. she’s the epitome of a good nurse

5. i’m glad to be in eecu. i want to chill for the last few shifts

6. there was this adorable lady who presented with odd speech. she was talking fine and then by 0100, she woke up and holy shit i thought she was having a stroke. and she was bound to go home because all her tests were normal. she still had that speech problem at the end but she was going to go home and have an opd mri. she’s so lovely that my heart was bursting. i hope she stays safe. she’s one of my favourite patients.

8. angela called me to say that jane like pandora and holy fuck that’s expensive and i can’t get her jewellery bc that seems inappropriate. i’ll just get her and erika lush.

it was an okay and chill shift. i hope nothing crazy happens this week. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m going to be late

17/06/2020 0022

i haven’t slept on the shift so i’m allowed this

1. 3 shifts to go

2. worked in area b

3. the shift started off terribly

4. i had gravitated to 21-25 because there’s hardly any mental health that goes there but amy had allocated everyone to their beds without consulting us

5. bec had already agreed to take 13-16 and i was taking 21-25 but she had rearranged everyone so that amy had 13-16, i had 18-20, and bec had 21-25

6. it was a mess

7. i fucking hate the section i was at

8. only because 18 is usually where aggressive mental health patients go to and i can’t deal with them bc cbf

9. the nurse i had relieved looked like she was about to give up in life

10. my lady in 18 was a relapse of her schizo-affective disorder bc of non-compliance of meds. fuck me.

11. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

12. i can’t

13. she started off as sedated which i was happy with but she was up from 1 in the morning and was escalating for the whole shift.

14. she was crying. no one actually de-escalate her. we coded her. she was fashioning a noose with the monitoring. the guards weren’t fucking doing anything.

15. and i have no empathy.

16. they were telling me to reassure and talk to her and calm her down but i don’t know how to fucking do that shit.

17. i just want people to shut the fuck up and go to sleep until you’re seen.

18. just

19. *sigh*

20. she was given 3 sedatives that didn’t touch at all.

21. and i couldn’t medicate her further because we couldn’t risk her being drowsy during her assessment during the daytime

22. i love my job

23. i’m just so glad for cora.

24. she was floating in b and she helped me out so much.

25. she took 2 of my handovers. she basically took care of my bowel perf patient

26. she’s an absolute legend.

27. met a tmc person who had appendicitis?

i was just mentally exhausted for the whole shift. i feel like they’re going to sls me for being neglectful. i was really trying hard to not show it but maybe i was being too obvious. i’m about to get my period so i’m hormonal. please understand why i feel off.

19/06/2020 2347

i fucked up

1. i have 3 more shifts to go. 2 days off then 1 late and then 2 nights

2. worked in d with erica

3. was an okay shift

4. my one patient who had “seizures” was a weird one

5. i fucked up with this one

6. i knew in the back of my head that i should’ve done an ecg because it’s a “seizure” and then i would’ve put him into a gown if i had done that.

7. they didn’t ask for one but ruz transferred him to eecu while i was at ct with another patient so i didn’t get to start those fluids or change him into a gown.

8. the worst thing i’ve done is not check for a property list and this dude had so much endone and oxycontin with him. THOSE ARE FUCKING DDA’S AND I DIDN’T LOCK THEM UP. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

9. i literally was open-mouthed as jalaja showed it to me because i knew that i had just done an oopsie

10. she was so upset

11. i’m actually fucking scared

12. she’s going to sls me for sure

13. she liked me so much before and now she doesn’t

14. she literally said “this. i cannot accept”

15. i felt like shit

16. i still feel like shit

17. i can’t right now.

18. oh and one the people from church was a patient and i recognise them and i said hello

what a great shift. i fucking hate myself. note to self: DO THE RIGHT FUCKING THING EVEN THOUGH IT’S UNNECESSARY.

24/06/2020 0754

ouch my heart

1. one more to go

2. it’s my last shift tonight

3. let’s maybe talk about that tomorrow when it’s finally over. mmkay

4. worked in b

5. had a really good shift

6. turnover was moderate

7. no one really stood out patient-wise

8. but i guess that’s what i want???

9. i just to cruise through the end because it’ll be a good send-off

10. joko was tl. judy and tash were with me. lovely crew tonight

11. we did start off with a relieving nurse. she was from the ward and it was her first time in area b with a patient load

12. she looked so scared

13. i probably looked like her when i started

14. it’s amazing to see the contrast of someone who’s worked through her rotation and feeling quite confident and comparing that to someone who’s new and doesn’t know what to do

15. i was that person

16. she apologised to me when after she moved to eecu because it was too overwhelming for her and i said “no don’t apologise. ed is intimidating and it was unfair of them to put you in a paz area where it gets crazy busy. it’s better to keep yourself safe so we keep other safe” i hope she’s okay and i hope this shift didn’t scare her

17. OH! jane caught up with me at the tail-end of her late and the beginning of my night. she caught up with me, pulled me aside and pulled me into a big hug and thanking me for the gift i gave her from lush

18. i was so touched by that hahahaha i didn’t think i would be. bella fruta probably smelled really nice then hahahahaha

19. LUSH IS THE WAY TO GO MY BOIIISSS

20. amy hopefully pre-allocates me to eecu??? i want a chill shift goddammit

that’s it for now.

i’ll see you tomorrow?

25/06/2020 2000

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i am no longer an ed nurse my heart hurts

1. i was placed in TRIAGEEEEE

2. this was weird because this was my last shift and it was my first time in triage so i was learning something completely new. on my last day

3. i was with wati and margaret. they’re so cute and so good

4. it was a mess at the beginning. mostly because i didn’t know what i was doing and it was a bit busy

5. i did manage to catch up and i cruised through the shift in one piece

6. it was a relatively okay shift. it was the busiest for the first 4 hours and then after that, we had like... 6 people max in the waiting room

7. quite a huge turnover

8. since i was t2 and i wasn’t triage-trained, i only had to do obs on everyone who came in

9. the stares that people would give me every time i walked past. oof

10. i don’t think anyone particularly stood out for me to tell a full story but the presentations were a variety of reasons, chest pain, abdo pain, psychosocial issues, lumps, cysts and bleeds, infections. there was one guy who was homeless.

11. triage is hard work. i don’t think i’d want to be a triage nurse but i appreciate what they do

12. working as t2 did really well form my anal-retentiveness. i got to organise everyone by time order. arrange everyone’s paperwork, i’d go out to do obs for 3 patients at a time. it was great for need of organisation

13. yup. good last shift i’d say

14. even though i got a bit side-tracked with amy promising i’d be pre-allocated to eecu and then be placed in triage, i think it was a blessing in disguise. i’ve now worked everywhere in ED (except for resus but that’s because grads are banned from working there) and if ever i come back, i’d be able to say that i’ve had experience

15. dylan was there. and mikee. cutiessss

i don’t feel as sad as i thought i would be tbh. don’t get me wrong. it’s bittersweet but in my deepest of my core being, i don’t think this’ll be my last shift in ed. i’m determined to come back. i took photos of my last duress alarm, my locker and key, the times i arrived for my last shift, the last hour of my shift and the outside of ED just so i have something to hold onto. this is the problem of someone who’s sentimental. hahaha. in all seriousness though, i am so eternally grateful that I got to be a grad here because it was hard at times and challenging but i learned so much. i became so much of a better nurse. better than what i expected i would be considering how long it was since i was working in the hospital-setting. ever since my placement there, i knew i wanted to be an ED nurse and I got to do exactly that and i’m so happy. I’m sad to go but if they want me to finish my grad so I can come back, I will power through 2B just so I can return. i will do it.

i’ll see you soon ED. i miss you already.

13/07/2020 22:16

day one in 2B

1. what the fuck have i gotten myself into?

2. my first day was a supernumerary shift

3. didn’t get an orientation

4. not that i needed it considering that i’ve worked there before but no one needs to know that

5. i worked with deb which was okay i guess

6. she’s my preceptor

7. i miss jess already

8. deb is very... clear with what she wants

9. i think i’ll be okay with her being my preceptor because she likes to explain things and i feel like that’s her personality

10. she got so much done even with me tagging along with her

11. i’m actually scared that i’ll fuck up on wednesday because i’ll be on my own

12. vanessa was there. she doesn’t remember me

13. bai was there. she doesn’t remember me i don’t think but i remember her. oh i remember her very well

14. andrew was there, i remember him even though i never worked with him. i always thought he was a fun guy to work with but he does seem mildly annoying. he is an EN though so i get that he can’t really do much with meds but jesus was he nagging

15. i don’t know how to feel about the ward. it’s so different from ED and the whole time i was there, i just missed ED so much

16. i saw shaun and i heard a code stemi in ED and i just wanted to be back down there

17. at least dr cutie was there and we know each other and i’m so happy i know someone

18. i honestly don’t know how this rotation is going to pan out because i’m so... overwhelmed.

19. they tell me to ask for help when i need it but judging from today and how hectic it was, i don’t think i’ll have much luck in doing so

20. i’m just really scared

i’m really scared

28/07/2020 2218

aaaaa i’ve been gone for how long???

1. worked in 3-6

2. i had an okay shift

3. my one lady kept going to the toilet which was such a nuisance

4. i know i sound horrible but holy shit how are you going to the toilet that many times

5. she’s also very dependent so i have to go in with her each time and walk her back

6. i just felt really bad because she was also so apologetic about talking up so much of my time

7. i shouldn’t be complaining

8. she was really lovely anyway

9. all my other patients were really good

10. i feel like i’m getting into the swing of things around in 2b and i hope i get better at them

11. besides the doctors, no one’s been to much of a bitch

12. i still miss ed though

13. chantelle handed someone over and she remembered who i was which was so nice because i don’t think i ever worked with her

i miss ed :(

29/07/2020 21:07

STUDY DAY 4 DONEEEE

1. i think if forgot to write the day 3 one.

2. we just did coronial cases during that one

3. today was a little better than the previous ones

4. we went to theatre

5. we went to the morgue

6. i saw a dead person

7. we made posters

8. aps was there and stoma nurse was there which was really good because surg requires me to know these things

9. vaughn’s actually pretty cute. he’s 30 btw. okay. and he’s smart and i just stalked his linked in and he did honours on a course and he quit paramedics which means the fact that he got into paramedics means that he’s smart

10. everyone seems to be settling into their wards which is good for them

11. i think i’m just not embracing the new ward

12. i should probably be more open-minded. i can always apply for ed or i can go into casual

will

fine

i’m just really eager for the last study day and then i can read all of these entries and see how much i’ve progressed... if at all?

08/08/2020 21:59

i’m back

1. just doing this because tonight was quite interesting

2. 2b was fine

3. 2b isn’t my issue

4. i worked with an agency nurse and she was relatively okay. i don’t remember her name though

5. the topic of discussion today was because i went relieving to another ward

6. the TL talked to me at 1730 to tell me that they wanted an RN to relieve for meal breaks at WOMEN’S HEALTH. I obviously had to go because my patients were fine and everybody else was busy.

7. i rock up to women’s health and told 3 nurses that i was there to relieve for meal breaks

8. the actual moment i got to women’s health, they decided to code a patient for low blood pressure

9. i go about my business thinking that i was supposed to be in women’s health

10. i help out, give out some panadols and do some obs

11. the code ends then the TL comes up to me 15 minutes before i have to go back to ask me why i was there

12. i tell her that i was told to come down to women’s health to do meal breaks

13. she calls the dnc and asks why i was there but it turns out! i was meant to go the THE KIDS WARDDDDD

14. i called my TL and tell her about this and she tells me to come back.

15. had to go back to the ward because i obviously can’t neglect my own patients

16. i go back and it’s 1830

17. i do the rest of my 1800 round and i go for my own meal break... to the library

18. i get back and the DNC calls and jigar (a legend) says “it’s the dnc. don’t argue”

19. i pick up the phone and this lady goes “hi kaye. you were supposed to go to the kids ward to relieve meal breaks. they haven’t had their meal breaks. what happened?”

20. i tell her that i was told by my TL to go to women’s health

21. she then tells me that “why did the (women’s health TL) call me and ask why you were in women’s health?” i don’t remember her words verbatim but it went along the lines of why didn’t you tell anyone

22. i then said “there was a code going on”

23. then she said something that i don’t remember. this was because i interjected and said “do you want me to go to the kids ward?”

24. she said “yes please”

25. and the call ended

26. i just didn’t see the point in arguing with this woman. i could’ve asked who sent me to women’s health and she wouldn’t have had it.

27. i think that the sole purpose of that call was to tell me why i was wrong and to send me relieving to the kids ward

28. anyway

29. i went to relieve the kids ward. one of them had meal breaks by the time i left and i did a lot of stuff for them

30. and i got back to my ward at 2030 and none of my meds were done

31. and i did my notes at 20:50

the sole purpose of writing this post is to document everything. i personally don’t feel affected by this situation. i don’t really care that she was like that because i feel that she was trying to get a reaction out of me and i couldn’t be bothered giving people that satisfaction of obvious bother. the point of this is that just because i don’t care doesn’t make it okay. if this was me last year, i would be harming myself and bawling my eyes out because i’m a failure and everyone hates me. but i’m not that anymore. and i don’t want to participate in this. she was being really awful and malicious and i don’t appreciate this. this wasn’t my fault and i’m going to tell myself that because it’s the right thing to do. i don’t want past me to hurt because of this.

should i tell paula??? this isn’t really a tppp issue though??? idk. i’ll think about it.

18/08/2020 2222

i’m so tired

1. bad shift

2. bad shift

3. bad shift

4. buddy nurse left me at 1800 and kids ward nurse relieved a while later

5. everyone was bad

6. 24 - broke his arm. went to xray and ct. pt in pain all shift. pt slides down bed. pt refused meal.

7. 25 - pt language barrier. viet. family VERY involved. refused meds because loose bowels. obs were abysmal. mo notified. pt r/v. pt put on oxygen sats were 87. family constantly needed to be reassured all shift. he got moved to 13 at some point during the shift and family were not happy. yelling at tl about why he got moved and that family wouldn’t be able to stay in a shared room because it’s not a private space. they d/c him tonight against medical advice. the nurse i handed over to didn’t do the notes for him so i have no idea if he left with his cannula because why would anyone be bothered by that??? i didn’t have him when he d/c so i don’t understand why i had to write his d/c notes.

8. 26 - pt has stoma. pt has picc. pt has feed running. all shift until 1800, unsure of whether feeds were to be started as pt had to fast for ct. pt hypo-ed this am so risky to keep her off feeds. fluids ran. feed continued. pt x1 assist so needed help getting to commode chair. meds meds meds

9. 27 - pt independent. nothing much but triple abx. had to space out each one because she only had one ivc. pt constantly needed to be disconnected as she wanted to walk around room.

10. 28 - i forgot to give meds early this pm. attempted to give but pt was off the ward so it ended up being given 3 hours later. pt was supposed to be going home but because bno, had to stay and to give microlax. good effect. please go home tomorrow.

11. 29 / TR - pt was a fucking asshole retarded piece of shit. hx of schizophrenia. yelled at me at dinnertime. he broke his leg because he’s an actual stupid shit. offered to help set him up for dinner cursed at me because he can’t eat that way. fair enough. we need to keep that leg elevated though. offered to sit him up from bed and put a chair at the end so keeps his leg elevated, yelled at me. told me to fuck off and to find someone else and he called me an airhead on the way out. i turned his lights off, shut his door and left him yelling for someone to come see him and left him not eating his dinner because i refuse to be spoken to that way. mental health issues or not. i don’t appreciate it. he refused all his meds so fuck him.

12. 2 - pt fasted for 2 days. now going to 3. lap chole didn’t happen today. pt was really pissy. he was unfasted by one of the doctors so i gave him something to eat. fluids were charted for him but i didn’t end up getting those up for him because i was just so busy. amy wasn’t happy. said she wanted to smack me. jokingly though but i know she was not happy and she probably half meant that. i get it. he had the addit meds in his drawer so i guess it’s fine because she can put that up. he was eating and drinking so there was no need for him to have those fluids running during those times but i get it. there was no excuse why i couldn’t have put those meds up.

13. they also brought a new pt up at 2030 so there’s that.

14. did i say that 5 of them were infectious?

15. did i say that i had to supervise a new student??

16. did i also say that i had to do 7 notes???

i’m just not happy right now and i’m disappointed and i’m frustrated and i’m upset because it was a mess today and i don’t like it.

i just need to breathe.

next shift, i know what to do if i’m put back in the rooms.

04/09/2020 1640

not too bad

1. i feel like i always come here to rant about how awful my shift in 2b was

2. today was okay

3. i was in the rooms with sue

4. did i say that sue is a queen and is a bloody legend

5. the heaviest person we had was bed 1 who moved to bed 25 and he was palliated shortly after adl’s

6. otherwise, everyone was really good

7. bed 2 was confused yesterday but was more orientated today and the special was lifted and the carer was there to help with adl’s for everyone

8. 28 had a heparin infusion which i missed 2 chicks on but it really wasn’t the end of the world. reminder that i must relearn the heparin infusion stuff

9. 27 i didn’t go into besides pain relief. i heard the stoma nurse cracking the shits about how the wound was being looked after. at least my hands are clean because i didn’t touch anything regarding that

10. 26 was the lady in bed who was stand lifter because she had a fracture. she was also fine and is at modbury now hopefully getting rehbailitated

11. 25 was initially a hot young dude but became the palliated patient

12. 24 was this dude who’s fasting for theatre and besides the hour that he went without fluids, he was fine

13. i was finda, the student, she’s really good and funny and although needs supervision, she is otherwise, a really good student and i would work with her again

14. ash the doctor is super cute

that’s it. it was eerily okay and now i’m worried for tomorrow.

16/09/2020 1907

i’m honestly forgetting to do these at this point. tsk tsk.

1. i’ve come off my first two nights

2. first impressions... it’s so busy

3. it’s shockingly busy.

4. 8 patients is a lot to juggle

5. i’ve found myself in these 2 nights with something to do constantly for every minute of those 10 hours

6. doing a full round takes an hour to two hours max so by the time you finish, there’s other stuff to do

7. i was doing paperwork in between moments of silence and because you have 8 patients, there SO much paperwork

8. i thought i was quick with doing my notes but holy hell it took me a good 45 minutes to actually write 8 notes

9. this shift tonight was constant because there were hourly things to do and everybody’s blood pressure just kept playing up and everyone’s fluids just so happened to finish throughout the night and doctors took a while to get to the ward to have things reviewed

10. i almost missed a medication

11. thankfully penny is a gem

12. the night just went by so quick

13. i don’t think i can explain how i look at my watch once and when i look at it again, it’s 2 hours later and i feel like i have achieved and done nothing

thankfully i don’t have anymore nights during this roster and i only have 2 for the next one. vanessa is nice for doing that (and she gave me all my thursday requests). :)

19/09/2020 2322

1. ash is so fucking cute that my heart hurts

that’s legit my only update bahahahahahahahahahahaha

13/10/2020 2149

oh god

1. sorry i haven’t been in for a while

2. that last update was just trasssssh

3. he is still so cute though

4. holy shit

5. but he’s so successful that it’s intimidating

6. oof

7. this is about nursing. let’s focus

8. i was in 11-14

9. i worked with amanda and she’s the best

10. the shift was not too bad. the 1800 round was quite hectic but i got through at the end

11. all my patients were non-exciting

12. just the usual 2B stuff

13. i hate to admit this on here but please don’t tell anyone

14. i wouldn’t mind coming back to work there

15. ED is still where i want to end up if this whole medicine thing doesn’t turn up but tbh 2B... not too horrible

16. there are 3 new regular staff members (sharon, jigar and karla) and i love them all

17. it’s starting to be a better place... i think

18. if i just stay positive and keep calm (and make ash an inspiration to come to work *because at this point, he is*) then i can get through this rotation

19. and the students are actually the best bunch this time round

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa conflict

14/10/2020 2212

i’m back so soon. it’s just been chaos today to be honest and i’m just fucking sad

1. i had an early today

2. which is fine

3. but! when i arrived at the ward, penny pulled me aside and asked about bed 12 and the fact that he didn’t have fluids running all afternoon

4. i got really nervous because i had this conversation with deb and casey yesterday about more fluids being put up

5. i know i don’t recap on here but for this explanation, i think i have to

6. sometime in the middle of my shift yesterday, bed 12′s bag of fluids finished and i noticed that he didn’t have another order written up. i know that he’s fasting. so i went to casey by the nurse’s station where deb was and asked her to write up more ivt because he’s fasting and that was the last bag written up. she asked what he was fasting for and i said i think it was because of periop review. which at that point was already done so i gave her the notes for her to interpret the plan by the periop team. i then asked if he was still fasting and she asked if he was fasting for the ngt to which i said he already has the ng??? and she looked really confused and deb started getting involved and she chimed in that he should be on replacement and i didn’t know about any replacement order and she showed me the fluid chart and there was an order for the replacement (BUT NOT FOR MAINTENANCE) and that it should’ve been started the day before when he was losing so much in his ng. i think by this point, they both look at me like i’m dumb (which i am) and i inquired about the fact that he was still fasting and if he was for ot and what the actual plan was. she said that he needs to be on the replacement and that he can have ice chips and that they will need to put him on a surgical list or something. because she didn’t write any new fluids up, i (stupidly) assumed that he only needed to be on replacement because both of them went on and on about the replacement. i still wasn’t convinced so i flagged the fluid chart because i needed to follow that up. come 2000 and i had finished my round and i needed to get on top of these fluids so i asked another doctor from colorectal to chart some ivt because i asked cora about it and she said that he should be having maintenance fluid. i have a new order but by this point, antibiotics were running and i decided to put up the fluids after the ivabs and also because he only had one cannula. i handed over to the night staff about the new order for fluid to be put up and about the replacement fluid. i thought it was okay.

7. coming back to this morning and penny pulling me aside and grilling me about the fact that no ivt was running for him for the WHOLE afternoon. she went through the chart with me and pointed out that the bag of fluid that i had taken down that afternoon was the same bag of fluid that she had put up the night before. i literally had no explanation as to why that bag ran for more that 10 hours. i tried saying that his cannula could’ve been positional and it wasn’t running smoothly for the 10 hours but by god, penny wasn’t buying it. she gave me a tap on the arm and said to be more mindful next time. flashback to the previous shift where i WAS being mindful because i DID follow it up and no one did anything.

8. the round started and obviously the doctors noticed and were really upset and all i could honestly do was take it. i was just so embarrassed that i compromised my patient.

9. casey and bed were also really upset with me about the fact that he didn’t have fluids running WHEN I LITERALLY TALKED TO THEM YESTERDAY ABOUT IT and i hate that it painted me in such a negligent light when i wasn’t. i really tried yesterday.

10. and this isn’t me putting the blame on anyone. i know i’m mostly at fault and that’s why i’m beating myself up over this. i know i should’ve pushed for more fluids to be charted. i should never have let casey leave without a new bag written up. i should’nt have left that nurses station without actually clarifying with them what the plan was about his diet status and his ng and what replacement actually entails.

11. it’s just incredibly humiliating because i know that i’m better than this. i know these things.

12. that start just completely ruined my whole day and i was just miserable throughout. i had frequent breaks to the toilet to calm down and not cry.

13. it was just a mess.

14. and paula emailed me about not sending in my prd and she cc’ed vanessa and shirley and now i’m fucking worried to come back on shift and them asking me about it when all i did was forget to send my prd. I WAS NOT SLACKING OFF. I SWEAR. I DID MY PRD AT EXACTLY 8 WEEKS BECAUSE I’M *THAT* PERSON. I just forgot to send it so please everyone stop being mad at me.

15. i’m on fucking isotretonoin.

16. i’m extra depressed.

i think i feel much better. i’ll be okay. i just needed to let that out and be allowed to be sad for a few hours without the massive load of life on my hands.

i’ll never show my face to colorectal ever again. (and ash is in colorectal so this is even worse) oh god

04/11/2020 1230

STUDY DAY 5 COMPLETE!

1. it’s 12 in the morning

2. i should be asleep

3. i just came on here for consistency

4. we had lunch on the pickled duck

5. some of the grads already have jobs after this

6. i felt so much of a failure today

7. everyone wants permanent jobs but i want casual but the way they word “casual” is like the default because nobody else wanted you and i hate that it’s how my brain is framing it

8. but i will go casual and maybe be pre-booked to 2b???

9. or i could get a really low fte at 2b if they wanted me back???

10. i don’t know

11. i just hope i get everything done on time

12. the cv tips were absolute mint

13. i’m gonna miss everyone

14. i hope we all make it

all around me are familiar faces...

09/11/2020 2217

this is messy

1. this was so messy

2. so so messy

3. 24. patient had a pressure sore??? dressing was done during double staff time and not during the morning so i had to go to wound bank to get the dressing and the am nurse put the dressing on and didn’t tell me how the pressure sore looked like. to be honest, i should’ve asked and looked myself but that’s besides the point. jackie asked me what it looked like and i couldn’t give her an answer. patient was to ffm for ot tomorrow but no ivt was written up so i had to put that up on the taskboard at 2000 which is super late to be following up for ivt when i should’ve known that he was to ffm and for ot tomorrow. why didn’t i ask alice to chart ivt when she was there all afternoon??? why? because i’m dumb. meds were faxed this morning but didn’t arrive. i called pharmacy multiple times today about how we ran out of ward stock for trace elements. i called them way before 1800 and tbhey still sent the pink slip that says it’s ward stock. ffs. i travelled to 2e and 2a to find trace but couldn’t find any and then cindy and i had to liaise with the doctor to grab it from after hours downstairs. i had to go for my break and when i got back at 1900, it still wasn’t give so i had to give that really late only to find out that thiamine had to be put up. so i had to stop the medication that takes 4 hours to give so that i could thiamine. cvc was taken out during double staff time. ivc was put up during double staff time. on his plan that i read while doing notes said something about doing an insulin infusion preoperatively if his bgls where 12 and above. no one handed this over to me so i had a reading of 13 for pre-dinner and saw that he had above 12 for the whole day. we could’ve started that infusion earlier when there were more people.

4. 25. he pissed on the floor as i was about to finish. he had a lot of issues today. we started off with a heparin infusion that was stopped because the night/morning staff had an issue that he had accidentally been given 7mls of his heparin. the bloods were taken at 11 because all day, his infusion was for review. the heparin was recommenced but not before doctors were chased up all shift because they wrote on the wrong part of the chart, then they didn’t order the right dose for heparin, then they didn’t chart the rate or units, then they charted the wrong rate and units, then it was recommenced finally. i had to check that hourly. which i did. right when the heparin had finished and it said it was finished, i took off the line from his cannula to do an antibiotic that i missed (we’ll get to his meds in a bit) because his second cannula had tissued right when i was about to do that missed antibiotic. so i had no choice but to do it on his other cannula that had the heparin on it. i took it off because it was finished and penny and jackie were replacing heparin anyway. i took it off thinking that the line would be changed. when jackie and penny came around they said, oh we cna’t check that because the rate says 1ml/hr. I HAD BEEN CHECKING THAT EVERY HOUR AND IT SAID 3.2ML/HR. I DON’T KNOW HOW THAT BECAME 1ML/HR. penny then did a really passive/aggressive throw at me by saying, that’s why check every hour. then she looked at the line and saw that it was disconnected. she then told me off and said that we never disconnect heparin and that the screw-ups were probably because other people were doing what i was doing. the syringe was finished. irrespective of whether or not i disconnected him from the heparin, he wouldn’t be getting a dose anyway because it was finished. penny hates me after that incident with the fasting patient last month. she still holds on to that i think. then the medsssss. the morning staff completely missed a chart and therefore didn’t give some of his 0800 meds. i am stupid because i also didn’t catch this. i probably did catch it but all of the missed meds were faxed to pharmacy so i was probably thinking that they would come up soon. turns out that a daisy drug was missed in the morning. i told the doctor this and she was not happy. she had to reset all the times so that it would go back to normal. it was bad. it was really. bad. i had to give the 0800 daisy drug at 1700. that’s stupid because he had the same drug at 2000 that needed then to be pushed to 0300 and the morning dose pushed to 1000 only for it to go back to 2000 tomorrow. it’s a mess. there was also a weekly medication that wasn’t given. it was faxed but it never came up. it was just awful. he was also 1.5L FR and he wasn’t weighed.

5. 26. this lady is 29 with ca. that’s so sad. anyway. she was on a pca. that’s in itself is awful because 2 hourly obs and her pca literally finished during handover. it was fucking awful. i could hear it through the door as we were doing handover that the syringe was finished. and her fluids were finishing too. i hate it. i hate everything. i hate my life. the clexane wasn’t double signed by whoever i checked it with. she had dda’s and taps and things that needed double signatures and no one ever wants to check with me. it was tragic. he refused an ngt this afternoon. she’s complaining of bno for 3 days but home team is hesitant to give her aperients because of her history. SHE WAS DUE FOR AN IRON INFUSION THAT WASN’T GIVEN BECAUSE PHARMACY GAVE IT SO LATE THAT NO DOCTORS WERE FREE TO DO THE IRON INFUSION WITH. i called them multiple times today about that iron infusion only for then to tell me that i was coming up. but it came at the last round and by then it’s 1700 and all the doctors have gone home and i’m in the middle of my round and i had to go for break and when i got back it was another round and oops it’s 2000 and cover’s busy. it was so messy. i don’t know. i don’t know if she had meds that weren’t given but she hopefully had all her meds.

6. 27. her picc had to be removed today? because she had a bug. she had a new ivc put in during double staff time which was great but tpn couldn’t be given because we can’t give tpn through an ivc. i’m just glad that we had fluids that were meant to be going up and it had fucking glucose in there so she wouldn’t hypo. her fistula bag didn’t give me too much grief today. it didn’t leak which was nice. it just sucks that she needed pain relief as i was about to go. she’s due for another picc tomorrow anyway which is fine but the ivc was just annoying today because we were held back with her antibiotic because she had no line and when she finally did have a line it turns out that she didn’t have her antibiotic and it hadn’t come up from pharmacy. so i had to call them about that and thankfully it came up 6 hours late and they didn’t even give me the other medication that i had faxed. luckily it was a daily dose and i still had one left but the late staff tomorrow will kill me. tbh 27 was my star patient today. update: she wasn’t. the doctor wrote stat vitamin k today but it wasn’t given this morning. i asked the doctor if they still wanted it given because there was still time to fax it to pharmacy but she said that it was on the plan that they didn’t want it given. so i gave her the chart to review and come handover time when i checked, it wasn’t reviewed and it looks like i didn’t give it and it was a FUCKING STAT ORDER. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

7. i thought i had an inkling that i wanted to work at 2b but today just proves that maybe i don’t???

8. no one really cares.

9. andrew told me this.

10. i don’t know. maybe he was talking to me and passively aggressively telling me that i wasn’t helping him but oh well.

11. all i did today was follow up doctors and follow up pharmacy and pick up the slack that the morning staff didn’t do and do all of my stuff at the same time and i sort of get blamed for all the messy stuff anyway. and it sucks. because i really wanted to do well today after being 5 days off.

12. i was really trying. i made sure i did all my checks and i finally did all my fbc’s this time. i went through meds to make sure everyone had stock. i made sure to fax them to pharmacy on time so that i get them all ON TIME. i highlighted on my cheat sheet for things that the doctors need reviewing. i thought i was on a roll. and then i wasn’t.

13. i think when 1700 rolls around, it’s just a mess. because it’s one thing after the other.

14. or maybe it’s the nature of the rooms. i have been in the rooms for 4 days in a row last week and today.

15. karla noticed and told me to swap but i know how tl’s feel about people swapping out of the rooms. they fucking hate it

16. the thing is though... penny noticed the chaos that i left behind. jackie too. and now i feel like they’re going to be so nit-picky about everything in the charts and looking for one miniscule detail that they can pick apart. they’ll tell vanessa in the morning and it’ll be a whole spiel about checking charts because the rooms missed so many meds meds today and that nothing is tidied up and plans weren’t followed up and it’ll be a whole thing and i won’t be there in the morning or the afternoon to take the brunt of it. and i do want to take accountability. i don’t want them talking behind my back and telling me i’m shit. just tell me. tell me so i know. i’m just terrified now because i just really want to be better. and it just fucking sucks that today was a mess and i really tried to make it better and it didn’t happen. and i know it’s my fault. you can argue that it’s not. but it is. it was my fault for not pushing the things i wanted followed up. my fault.

17. i also have to do this painful conversation with vanessa about being a referee. i doubt she’ll be one though.

18. amanda is amazing. she waited for me even though i left at 2155.

19. ash was around too.

i want to cry. because i feel like a failure and i feel like everything’s a mess.

13/11/2020 2200

i’m not in the rooms this time!!!

1. i had a good day... i think?

2. pretty chill until the end there

3. i worked with kabita. she’s a gem

4. i feel like i’ve been annoying everyone with how positive i am

5. i’ll stop

6. i don’t know what to say

7. my bed 8 had a pca which was fine

8. my bed 9 was x2 assist and was troubled with moving around and i think he pulled a muscle because he was in pain a lot after getting into bed

9. and he told me he was having trouble breathing and sirens were ringing in my head

10. but i think it was just pain-related

11. so we have endone and repositioned him and i think he’s okay now

12. overall, everything was good

13. my feet hurt

14. okay let’s just talk about my feelings for a minute

15. this is so inappropriate but ash was around today and caught me by surprise

16. at this point he’s the only one motivating me to come to work

17. but i don’t think he likes me that way bahahahahahahahahahahashhahahahahahahahahahahah what the fuck am i typing right now hahahahahahahahahhahahahaahhaahhahahahahahahah

18. i don’t know. it feels weird like... we’re friends and will only ever be friends.

19. oh god but it hurts

i can’t. this is complex all over again. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

16/11/2020 2122

okay so here’s the sitch

1. ash is totally not interested. i don’t think so

2. i got covid tested for the luls

3. i hope it’s negative dear lord i hope it’s negative

4. i haven’t left my house besides to go to work. how in fuck’s name would i get it???

5. if i am positive then i know someone in the hospital gave it to me because it ain’t me sis

6. i was in the rooms again

7. i have an appointment tomorrow so i’m going to get moved if i am still in the rooms

8. cbf to the rooms

9. i have to leave at 1

10. it was so fucking busy today. more than usual.

11. usually by day 3 of being in the rooms, i have adjusted to everyone because i’ve had the same people for 3 days.

12. i worked with tamara (gem she is but she did forget to help me a lot today)

13. 23. is x1 assist and although she’s quite okay, rang the bell all throughout my med round so i was just freaking out

14. 24. i had to do a dressing change because doctors took it down. i packed it and everything but the doctors came back and took everything down so we had to do everything all over again

15. 25. heparin infusion continues to run and he fucking bled through the whole night and it was just a mess. he also had a dressing change

16. 26. dementia lady. refused care all day. called my hair ugly

17. 27. cystoscopy and needed a new fistula bag

18. 28. vac dressing came off, needed re-dressing and she was for a picc line

19. 1. for tov but kept putting it off

20. 2. vague at times. kept pressing the bell

21. 29. we almost had a resp precautions lady. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

22. it was a mess. i didn’t have morning tea or lunch. there’s that.

23. i didn’t do any of my care plans or falls risk or pressure injury or composites or fbcs and bowel charts and i probably missed meds.

24. it was a mess

25. mel was there and tia was there for the late and they looked so over it

26. let’s get back to ash. he was around today. i legit almost ran into him and it caught me by surprise because i wasn’t expecting him to be around. and he asked how i was and i said i was dying and i asked how he was and he said the same and that he was up at 0430 to come there to do bloods and he was tired so i told him that we should die together and he said that it was something??? romantic??? and i ran away because he’s so cute i can’t aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but also he was around all day and he was joking around with everyone and now i’m thinking maybe he just sees everyone as friends??? i have no clue.

i just am tired. my feet hurt. i wish the covid test is negative. it’s probably positive considering my luck these days.

17/11/2020 1818

negative bibi

1. i just got my covid test result and it’s negative

2. guess where i was buddy

3. rooms

4. i came in early so i could swap because i was leaving early but vanessa was like “nope. allocation’s been done!” yeet

5. karla was there and she saw me trying to swap and she looked at me like “aww. kaye. no.”

6. so i had no choice but to be in the rooms

7. to be honest, because of the whole debacle yesterday, i was kind of prepared and i knew what i had to do and what needed to be done

8. for instance. i’m more comfortable with bed 25′s heparin infusion

9. i knew which meds needed to be done for each patient

10. i knew which dressings i need doing

11. the og bed 23 was gone so that was fun because she was highly infectious and needed serious ppes but she was also replaced by a query covid so i guess it was more of the same

12. 24 was the same and i felt more confident in doing a dressing change

13. 25 was still on heparin but because the doctors overnight did a pressure dressing change, it didn’t leak through anymore

14. 26 was empty.

15. maybe that’s why today was easier. i had 3 patients.

16. i was going to get someone new. ?covid but the moment he came to the ward, he was taken to ot

17. 27 we changed her bag and i did it with aman

18. 28 was the same she went to ot because her wound was leaking

19 1 was the same. idc was out

20. 2 was the same and nothing new

21. i was a good morning. i didn’t get tea break or lunch break though.

22. now let’s talk about ash again lol

23. he’s in today!

24. how is he on for so many days now and i didn’t see him at all for 2-3 weeks???

25. he was looking 24′s chart and i gave it to him and i said his name and accidentally called him “ass” and he laughed and i laughed *awkwardly* and he jokingly said are you checking me out blah blah something something words and he walks away and says more stuff and he slaps his own butt and holy shit wtf just happened and i said that i haven’t forgiven him for calling me faye that one time

my hart <3 be still

24/11/2020 0938

i have 2 weeks left sis

1. i had a night shift and the past 2 nights weren’t awful.

2. i have had decent shifts

3. granted that they did put me back in the rooms for my late-early before these nights but it wasn’t too crazy.

4. i finally had a meal break which was exciting.

5. i have nothing of significance to say only that i have 2 weeks left and i’m semi-relieved because i’m tired and semi-sad because i will miss the place

6. there was one negative from this shift and it’s that i didn’t get to talk to ash today

7. i had so many urology patients that i was hoping i’d run into him before my shift ends.

8. i washed my hair for you. pls like me.

9. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i don’t know when i’ll come back to update you. maybe at the tail-end of this rotation. i’m just savouring the last few days that i have employment and a steady income and maybe getting to see ash. he’s so fucking cute i hate myself so much.

03/12/2020 0136

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. i have an interview tomorrow for casual pool

2. jigar told me the questions and answers so i hope it’ll be fine

3. hopefully it’s also the study day questions

4. it’ll be fine because it’s only 4 of us and it’s only half an hour

5. it’ll be fine

6. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

7. i’m stressing out

8. let’s get to the shift

9. i had 15-18

10. it wasn’t bad. it was just constant because i also had to answer a lot of call bells for tayla (she’s great btw)

11. i kept telling robert that i was looking forward for him to go home before i finish but now he’s staying for a while

12. i don’t know

13. ash was in today and he’s still adorable as always

14. i almost ran into him literally.

15. i was changing someone’s colostomy bag and gomta was calling me so i pulled the curtain and walked out and almost ran into him because i was looking down and when i looked up it was ash and i literally gasped because holy fucking shit i was that close to him and i looked at him in the eyes and was just a fucking mess because he’s just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then i managed to collect myself and said hi and he was looking for bed 20 and i said she was ot and i ran off because i’m a mess

16. i saw him again later and he asked how i was and i said that i was excited and nervous and he asked who i had a date with and i said sadly none (i was so tempted to say “i’m just waiting on you” i’m glad i didn’t because that would be pathetic) and then i said that i was finishing my contract soon and that i had an interview and he said good luck to me and he joked around with another rn and my heart because i guess everything was just normal colleague banter and conversation

17. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai was literally throwing you a signal that we will never see each other again soon. are we just torpe? what is that in english

18. anyways. interview tomorrow. i probably won’t update you because it’s not a work day for me tomorrow but maybe the last 3 shifts?

wish me luck. i need this casual job.

07/12/2020 2239

this is a quick update i need to sleep

1. it’s my last day tomorrow

2. worked with amy. the best.

3. gave deb her chocolates although she was quite pissy with me today

4. everyone was surprised i was finishing tomorrow

5. i’m tempted to call in sick

6. i got the casual role

7. i saw ash today but we didn’t see each other and now we’ll never see each other ever again and i’m so sad and i’m gonna continue being sad

that’s my update. see you tomorrow.

10/12/2020 1207

that’s it. my last shift. done.

1. let me start by saying that it was really weird that i finished on a night.

2. i can’t sat that i was shocked because my last shift at ED was also on a night.

3. i won’t get into reminiscing everything because i think i’ll do one massive post on that

4. let’s just talk about my actual shift

5. worked at 7-14

6. not too bad because i know all of them already

7. 7 was the same. he slept all the way and his bed was just a mess and he can’t stay still to elevate his leg. i just left him as he was because he looked comfortable. i hope he get’s better

8. 8 was the same. he was the man who had net tube coiled around his teeth. it’s so fucking cool that I caught that. i was doing his note and i saw his plan was to measure the tube length daily and i hadn’t that on that shift so i thought i sneak one in and do a check and he said that it was uncomfortable. he opens his mouth and holy shit the tube was coiled. the doctor reviewed it and it was taken out. they wrote on the notes that the tube was unsafe and i’m so glad that i caught that because he was supposed to start on the feeds that night. he’s fine and a star patient. he’s for another tube this friday

9. 9 is a smart ass. annoying.

10. 10 was a new guy but he was so easy to look after that there was not much that was memorable about him. lap chole. d/c the next day

11. 11 was empty

12. 12 was a lady we’ve seen before and she came back after i had sent her home. it was weird. she had no plans. but i liked her. she was a good patient overnight

13. 13 was an mrcp lady. ?ercp. ?fasting but they wrote a plan for cf??? it was confusing. she was otherwise okay. i think she was rather scared and traumatised after the debacle with 14.

14. 14 is a special lady. at the start of my shift, she started moaning and groaning in pain. i expected this considering she had a background of ivdu, od’s, addictions, withdrawals, and all the fun stuff. disclaimer that i know that i shouldn’t assume but hear me out. when i first received this patient when she was admitted, the nurse handed over to me that she was a funny lady. when you go in the room, she plays up. when you leave, she’s fast asleep and comfortable as can be. i can sense an abuser of the system. okay. cool. this is how you are doing this then. i don’t like that one bit. so she understands from the get-go that she can have pain relief every two hours. she’s a nurse. she knows this. the game she plays is asking me what time it is. it sounds like an innocent question. oh yeah, what time is it just for my innocent knowledge. nope. it’s so she can know when she’s due for another one. don’t think you’re fooling me maam because right at the 2 hour mark, you ring the bell and you start playing up your “pain”. i don’t buy it you fuckwit. you were sleeping oh-so-comfortably just then with your leaning your head to one side and snoring your stupid face away. fuck you. so getting back to the shift, she had s/c oxy at 2105 and was in “so much pain” that it involved a lot cursing and you should be ashamed of yourself and i’m calling the ceo and you’re cruel AND SHE PULLED THE RACE CARD ON ME. YOU PULLED THE RACE CARD ON ME????? EXCUSE ME??? i digress. i did an urgent review because she threatened to be trouble if she didn’t get anything. doctor came and after much deliberation and understanding that she wants fentanyl, she charts her the smallest dose. with some additional clonidine and her reg nitrazepam to shut her up. fair enough. it worked. the bitch is asleep. anaesthetist came and was a real piece of work when she came in. she acted all smug and wasn’t convinced about why she was called and looked annoyed that she had to review a sleeping and comfortable patient. she said “how is she?” “settled” “did you want me to bother her or let her sleep?” “let her sleep” “okay”. wtf. she starts writing on the case notes and very passive aggressively asking me questions. after i explained to her the situation and that she had a history and that the intern told her she can have pain relief “whenever” and that she was under aps that’s why they couldn’t review the pain relief, she sort of started to get convinced. luckily 14 rang the bell. this was the only time i was relieved that she rang because now look at her doctorbitchcraft. see what i have to work with. she came out of that room back on the nurses side that this lady is crazy. she will now be reviewed by them. she explains to me that her diagnosis doesn’t cause that much pain and her sudden increase in pain was unusual because it conveniently happened on the day that she realised she could take advantage of her hospital stay to abuse more opioids. i really don’t like that. after this, she settled but still rang the bell every 2 hours asking for pain relief. she had the nerve to apologise to me that morning. no you’re not forgiven but because i have to be fake her, it’s fine. it’s soooo fine. i love my job.

15, anyway.

16. that was my last shift.

17. it was very sad because i left so unceremoniously. i guess i wanted that but also... i thought i made enough connections with people that they would say goodbye. this is why we shouldn’t expectttttttt aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i left a huge box of chocolates and no one really cared that much. ffs.

18. i didn’t return my key because lol

19. i also didn’t get to see ash. i saw him yesterday but her was going to the toilet and didn’t see me walking out.

20. alice was in so i knew urology were in so i was sort of hoping ash’ll walk in and i’d tell him it was my last day and.... i don’t know.

21. aaaaahhh shit.

22. 2b was interesting. i dreaded coming here but it was not that awful. it’s come full circle and maybe it was a blessing because i can finally let go of this grudge and this resentment i had for nursing after working here as a student. i now realise the stress and pressure it takes to work in this busy ward and i have more of an appreciation and understanding of the work and why people are the way that they are. it was no excuse how they treat people but i hope that by me being there changed something? it probably didn’t. will i be going back to ed?????? yes. will i be going back to 2b?????? also yes. casual nurseeee here i come.

i’ll make a huge post after this. detailing my trials and tribulations during this grad year. it’ll be when i’m available. but for now. i’m signing off. thank you 2b. you’ve taught me how to be a better nurse. simply by showing me ways how to be and not to be. i don’t know how i managed to insert the pun in there.

09/01/2020 1520

today marks the end of my grad year! although i did finish my last shift last month, today is actually the end of my contract and therefore the end of my grad year. i’m officially a full-fledged nurse. fuck.

let’s do a final recap.

The biggest problem I had throughout the year was my struggle with my Imposter Syndrome. It’s the feeling of incompetence and undeserving-ness I had of my role. I think there were multiple times throughout this post that I’ve complained of how stupid I was. And a lot of the times that I’ve said that to myself is undocumented. The instances are numerous and forever stuck within the confines of my brain. I worried too much about how people perceived me. I thought that I had left this behind but it cam circling back. I found myself working hard not to deliver the best care but so I could be “perceived” as a hard-worker. It’s so messy. It’s also so difficult. I left shifts so exhausted because I hadn’t sat down or had a meal break or had a drink of water for 8 or so hours. I was torturing myself beyond belief so I could do more and be more.

Despite this, I am proud of one thing - I didn’t crack this year. I had to deal with colleagues and patients treating me horribly and work spaces that weren’t supportive and add my troubled brain into this mix and it was a recipe for disaster. But I refused to allow myself to crumble. I ploughed through and built myself up back up when I fell. I learned to accept everything as criticism and to let things go when it hurt. I had so much growth this year that I can say that I am a good nurse. I’m not the best but my experiences at the most difficult places shaped me into the nurse that I am.

I’m proud of myself.

And I don’t say that to myself enough.

okay. why the fuck did i like so many people this year??? i think boys and money were my only motivations this year. it’s so pathetic.

ash is actually the most beautiful man i’ve ever met. oh my god. i have butterflies every time i see him. i actually look forward to go to work because i know he’s there. but... i’m actually so intimidated by him because he’s so successful. he’s a doctor. he studied overseas. he speaks 3 languages. he does other medical related stuff outside of work. he’s a jeweller. he’s has other businesses that i don’t think i’m even aware of. he’s charismatic. he’s funny. he’s fucking adorable. i’m feel like dying when i see him. i have to keep reminding myself that this is just infatuation. it’s just infatuation.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyways.

i don’t know how long i’ll be a nurse for but i’ll do my best until the time ends and i move on to something else.

I learned so much this year.

Thank you to my preceptors, my colleagues, my fellow grads, my patients, and to meeeeeeeeeeee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i’m a nurse. woo~

0 notes