#Uh oh Spaghetti-Os Sam has feelings

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I love staring at my art and feeling very insecure about it. Because sadly, I'm one of those people that very much sadly, compares it to others who are just amazing at it. And I know that's literally part of "What Not To Do As An Artist 101" but I do it. And I'm not proud. I also just look at it and wonder why it just looks awful, yeah, others say it's good and I feel confident about it. But I can't help but also think it's awful looking and that everyone is lying to me.

It's probably the most common thing ever in an artist. Actually, it most definitely is. In some forms or another. My art isn't the most amazing compared to others who are better, but I like to feel proud of it. I just can't let myself be proud for too long or else it'll just get into my head. I think I've just compared myself to others for too long because it's just...something I've done.

I think it just kinda what has to do with my mom I guess. I dunno, something in my childhood must have made me start just comparing myself to others and wishing I was better. Eh. Whatever. That's just how it is, I guess. It won't get better, but it just doesn't stop me from drawing. Even if I hate the look of it sometimes.

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I hate it when I'm happy one second and then the next I get hit with the most awful feeling of self-hatred. I hate it. I just wanna be happy. But I can't let myself be happy, never, because I hate myself too much to care about my own happiness. Even when I do try, I just can't.

I wanna just have a moment of pure happiness and joy, no other negative emotion. Just...happiness. Because I just wanna be happy. I wanna be happy and I hate pretending I am to those I care about because I don't want them to worry and I don't wanna bother them. Even if I let it slip while joking around, I still just have fun joking around despite wishing I had someone to help me. Even if I can't be happy long enough without hating myself again.

Ah, well. I hope to find happiness one day, maybe in someone who I'll call my partner or maybe in a job I like.

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I remember the first and only time I went to therapy, I almost cried in front of the lady who I was talking to. It wasn't once, it was probably 3 times I almost cried. I talked about some more...uh not very good thoughts and just how much shit I had gone through and still am. And I seriously wanted to tell her more, but I was scared I was gonna start tearing up again or I dunno, she'd tell my mom.

I want to go back to therapy, maybe get some sort of help with my issues instead of putting it on Tumblr or writing it in my journal. I just don't wanna keep in my emotions in too much that I just burst and snap at anyone and everyone. I get too emotional, though. It's why I like writing things I feel or think. Because if I start crying, nobody would have to hear me cry and blabber out my words through hiccups.