#VB3030

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 08.30

It’s been a long time coming. I’ve rehearsed it      well, actually I haven’t. I imagined you wouldn’t even know me      I rehearsed all of the ways that you wouldn’t.

I ran through how many times I could share a space with you,      without you ever knowing. They say the spiritual realms releases you from the constraints of times and emotions,       like a peaceful way..  so I suppose all that rehearsing wasn’t worth it.

I’ve worked on calming my heart enough to hold a steady hand in your favorite restaurant,     so I could serve you progression while you don’t notice. Worked my ass off I wanted to be so known that any TV screen or billboard would learn to haunt you       Without you knowing...of course.

Endless moments in the mirror searching for the way your eyes would shift to meet mine.      Sometimes I even timed it. Just to see your pupils dilate. Dad said we kinda looked a like  and by kinda I mean he made it a point to say almost exactly.      boy, his eyes would change. But if he would leave you, he’d leave me. I mean if you’d leave him, you’d leave me. I mean you did leave me- I might leave him, or anyone.      What’s the difference. It took me 32 years to figure out what to say to you. One thing remains,      still always feels like i’m talking to myself. Luckily for you I found someone else who’s on your side Or lucky for me       I can’t tell the fucking difference.  I’m tired of peaceful and forgiveness I’m still pissed that I missed this. Still feels like you’re calling for no reason  this shit is pointless. every 11:11 and well wishes I wish, I wish that I didn’t have to remember that you didn’t. You gave someone else a chance to do what you couldn’t       Selflessly selfish I guess I get it.

[janiemelendez]

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[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 03.30

Mirror Mirror on the wall. I’m hoping that you never fall. Mirror Mirror on the wall I’ve learned to need you after all. They say self love is the best love. The most crucial to development, this double edge. I wish they told you it would make you hate you; more. Way before you loved you instead.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, sometimes I wish you’d be quiet long enough for me to brush my teeth. You magnify silence so loud that it rings. The kind that requires you to pull out the lion within,  projecting a roar just to mask the calculation mayhem. I’ve had so many questions, so many suggestions. So many test runs, and rehearsals.

Take action, Mirror. Do your job. show me the light in my eye when the tears glaze them over. The intensity of intention when my brow is furrowed. Do your job. Tell me i’m right when I secure this top button, That everything will be alright, just keep it in line. My instant before and after, so I can leave it all behind keeping my battles between you and I. You won’t always be perfect, a little dust, a little smudge. And i’ll match your mark, a little crooked sometimes, just because. Just do your job Mirror. and just like you, i’ll never fall.. At least not far enough.

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 09.30

#20/20Vision. Bottling up wisdom Over years like fireflies on a shelf.. Or some madd scientists Professor ...Dr. Frankenstein patching past together for the perfect chance to take a stand and then some.         Take a stand and make a name everyone will remember

They’ll all remember A time they lost it all. All their systems, their perfect visions         On how the world will finally reward them. 10 yr plans at the drop of a dime, A stop in time. Hamster wheels no longer spinning just the gears within them.

There was a time when a lack of access Provided access to excess        Consciousness Where the scope didn’t hold the ropes and tie off boundaries. Where creative minds found time to stretch inside them.

The time is now.

Repetition isn’t just for fashion and infants. It’s a chance to begin with more than you’re left with. An empire doesn’t take 100 years And wealth is worth more than just monetary ideas. 2thousand twenty years of trial and evolutionary volunteers.

The message has been clear.

It begins and ends inside you. Systematically, biologically Creativity is the default functioning of the brain in its entirety. Unite’t with the solar plexus?        I mean your guess’ as good as mine. Tunnel Vision Perfect sight Take a break, Just Stop wasting time.

The year is 2020

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth 07.30

I’ve said it once,  i’ll say it twice.  But to repeat myself I mean, what’s the point?

Fuck a shrink. I’m not fucked up...      Maybe just fucked up... Once or twice. Reevaluating my past decisions? You think I write just to catch a rhythm? I don’t need this couch.  I’ve got my own. Well - maybe it’s a car, but I thought we weren’t keeping score.

I’ve done my work made peace with God I keep a bible, it’s somewhere in the closet. How many notes can you take anyway? I’ve got journals that look better than yours,       I made sure. And you see this pen?  I told you I’m a writer,  that’s my therapy. So this here?       It’s a waste for both you and me.

What can you tell me that a stage didn’t already teach? How do you know what I’m thinking?    huh? shrink?

I’m not even angry,  this is how I talk. I’m from New York, it’s in my walk. That’s not a guard, i’m on a mission my time is limited. So this here? It’s a waste for both you and me. I accept my flaws, I know who I am. I am who they say I am. And I don’t conform, so fuck their opinion.          You see doc. This is the easiest work I’ve done in a while. I could go on like this forever, so you might as well tell me         what’s wrong with them?

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 06.30

A blessing and a curse.          Darkness. the most suffering and the most growth.          For what it’s worth, We close our eyes and imagine all the potential, the “what could have happened” I mean it’s natural.         Seclusion.  Meditation.          sometimes medicated, A cocoon of great escape.  to a 5th dimension while staring into endless pits . One slip could keep you captive,         You should be careful. I mean, You know what happens.

One minute it’s just a second  see, that’s the blessing. A quick reminder,  call it a cat nap Just remember to snap back. The sun doesn’t rise and set No moon to rotate it’s positions. We love the darkness, and it loves us.         but don’t play the victim.

It is darkness for a reason. No masks needed, Not just a season of gloom. It is darkness,         our oldest friend.

Let it hold you hand but not your heart. Find peace, and keep it close. The greatest growth.

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 05.30

I want to start by apologizing, for letting fear rule my position. For never giving the thought of you a chance...       to prove me wrong.

Sometimes I reflect on faded fantasies. These days I try to see them in visions of “success”. What would it be? Picket fences, mini me’s. It’s a new world looking at 33.

Would I break cycles? Or continue these? Would it just be you and I? Or a family? Would I stay for it? Or would I leave?

I just wanna say I’m sorry, It was never you,  It was always me.

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 02.30

Processing 001004022020 Processing.... Error detected Processing.... Error detected? Cntl. Alt. Delete. Strange. There is a memory shortage I’ve been searching Archive files Locate: Original manual... it’s here somewhere. Launch: antiVirus Scan 2% I can feel the fan slowing I just need a reboot. Files are harder to access. I wish I could pull up memories faster. Ones of the old days, of how I passed the time then. Scan 4% My buttons have been pressed endlessly Short circut; Johnny 5 haunting me.

Such high expectations but it seems my systems failing-Jeeze.

Scan Cancel.  

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry Mnth 01.30

Wakey wakey. it’s silent here today, little erie.

I thought you may want to stay a little longer. it’s strange here today, little hazy.

You’re late, but it’s ok  see you soon. I knew I’d see you soon. The old man’s been pressed, You know I try to mind my business but he’s been whispering lately. It’s tense when the phone rings,  Mom’s holding her head. Can’t see much of the TV just the buzz, inaudible “JustIn!” drowned out by the cloud of smoke lifting off the ashtrays. They’ve been outside a lot today Said you’re on your way. It’s early. Some sort of new age pleasantville wave. Car door after car door, All returning with  American patriotism. I guess there’s a sale.  

[elredje5ter]

Ntnl. Ptry. Mnth. 04.30

Dear Agony Let go of me Suffer slowly Is this the way it’s got to be? Dear Agony... I let you run a portion of my life I suppose; realistically, I say portion because I’m still alive. Dear Agony, Silent partner in crime. I’ve seen you hold on to the hopeless,  throwing luck around like some sort of God send. It always felt like a coincidence more to me, than to them.  You let me suffer when I knew we’d be better going our separate ways. I treated you well,  with empathy and you returned the favor with suffocation.

We could have been good together.  You gave me fuel to soak my pages in and I’d twirl this pen like the last flint  A beautiful dance; Agony- pulling strings playing off my anger with the pain. I can replay every minute in slow motion  through grey scale goggles. Maybe I should thank you, you helped me remove myself. A third eye, third person perspective. A grip on my chest when I swallow A freedom when i remember the moment is hollow. Learning not to let you settle in. A new light to step in. Learn right from left when i’m left in- chaos. I fought my way out of your grip Though you check in from time to time You and I are no longer friends.

[janiemelendez]

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[janiemelendez]

Check out this listing I just added to my Poshmark closet: Vera Bradley VB3030 Cam 51 semi rimless Eyeglass.