#Verdigris is just everyone's emotional support friend

[fruityfroggy]

ASGKJKUYFG TYSM @anonymocha FOR GIVING ME A DIRECTION TO GO WITH MY RAMBLINGS<3

Anyways…oh Verdigris, I’ve come up with so many extra bits and pieces to her lore in the past month or so and I didn’t really get to talk about her in the first place, so I’m glad that someone’s interested (this is gonna be so long, I can feel it)

First things first, we’ll get the big thing out of the way: her arcane skill. Kind of a big part of her story is how she is a “plant whisperer”, which means that she’s able to hear the voices of plants and therefore communicate with them. This made her form a prominent sense of empathy for plants, as they are unheard by everyone except her.

(Now, a lot of the things I’ll mention about Verdigris will make a lot more sense)

So a fun little fact is that plants have a “way of speaking” that sounds more poetic than your normal speech, since they’re just describing things based off of what they know from nature. And because of her arcane skill, Verdigris does talk like them a little (which just comes off as being poetic/dramatic). Another thing that comes with this “way of speaking” are “Titles of the Plants”, which is the thing that you remind the plants of, that they therefore refer to you by (Vertin is “The Wandering Wind”, Sonetto is “The Shade in Daylight”, etc).

Why am I mentioning this? Well but of course it’s for yuri reasons! Because this is the perfect way for Verdigris to subtly and sapphic-ly pine for a certain arcanist by the title: Ray of Sun (and who this refers to is not disclosed). She mentions this “Ray of Sun” quite frequently in her diary, which I’d imagine could be one of those pages of text you can find between stages, as well as in her intimacy voiceline (which I haven’t written, but we can imagine, okay).

Anywho…when it comes to interacting with other arcanists, Verdigris is very much the most likeable out of my three ocs here (she’s just a cinnamon roll, not toxic or hard to communicate with). So she gets along with basically everyone in the suitcase. Chaotic or calm, she’s patient enough to talk to them. Tho she’s the closest with Lilya I’d say, since they’re bonding over a shared language/heritage and shut up, it’s adorable. Especially since Verdigris didn’t have anyone to speak Russian to for a long time (she lived in Spain, that’s why) and Russian was her mother’s language (she never got to meet her, so it holds special significance to her (things are getting angsty haha)). This problem was the whole reason she created her own critters actually. But hey, now she has someone and the vibes are good again.

As for their dynamic, it’s obvious that they have a “balancing each other out” situation, and I like to call it “Lilya and her designated driver” as a joke. But truthfully, Verdigris is surprisingly down with most of her shenanigans and no one understands why. Lilya kinda just wants to show Verdigris all the “fun stuff” she usually does, and she just goes along with it while some of the other arcanists watch them in horror (they’re just having a good time tho). When Verdigris is busy, Lilya would go visit her workshop to see what she’s doing like: "What you making, Verdie?:]" (she finds it interesting).

Considering what she does, I feel like Verdigris would probably be crossing paths with Medpoc kinda often as well (hehe). Verdigris just isn’t super affected by Medpoc’s hostility, and still treats them very well after getting yelled at. Once they warm up to her tho, she kinda becomes their emotional support (aka the person they rant to while she hands them a cookie or smth), and they’d pass out together while working across from each other, since neither of them remember to sleep (or do anything else).

I also think that she could help Shamane repair and/or upgrade his mechanical arm (since that’s kinda her specialty), and in turn gain a new father figure. Shamane would definitely like her Dendrogues and greet them when he sees them hopping around as well.

Some honourable mentions are the other calm healers (Dikke and Tooth Fairy). Dikke would grow fond of Verdigris for how fair and thoughtful is, but she'd tell her to not be so tolerant of everything. As for her and Tooth Fairy’s situation, they actually have pretty similar vibes, so they’d probably do some somewhat questionable things together that aren’t so questionable if they’re doing it, like baking together (there’s definitely no tooth fairies in the muffins they’re making, don’t question the taste of plums) and going out into the forest to look for teeth.

Oh right! Verdigris also has a small interaction with Pristine after implanting the new heart she made for her, since Pristine’s original heart (crystal) is the thing that makes her body possessable to Arcana (there’s some context from this post that is needed to understand what I’m talking about). This is a big plot point in Pristine’s story, so guess who’s growing attached to Verdigris. Yeah, she kinda just follows her around whenever she sees her from there on out, maybe even tugs on her sleeve saying “Where art thou headed to? Let me go with thee!” (Welcome to motherhood, Verdigris!)

[i-guess-im-into-this-now]

The Apothecary Diaries

S1E22 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/location cheat sheet:

Hongniang - head LIW at Jade Pavilion

Xiaolan - Maomao's servant girl friend

Master Shishou - Lady Loulan's father

Yinghua - one of Lady Gyokuyou's ladies in waiting

Lady Gyokuyou is preggo and everyone in the Jade Pavilion is pretty charmed by that, especially Hongniang who is dreaming of having her own baby. I thought this lady had a little something something going with Gaoshun, but that was almost certainly not true (her loss, Gaoshun is a total catch). But now I wonder, is this chick maybe not into Gaoshun, but Gaoshun's son? Does she like erratic meatheads like Basan?

Whomever Hongniang has her eye on, Maomao doesn't think it's going to happen.

Maomao: Even if someone did propose, I doubt she would be allowed to leave. That's the cost of being too good at one's job.

Maomao may want to think about that statement in regards to herself.

Maomao: The days here are fulfilling, and they truly do seem to fly by. In comparison, the two months spent at Master Jinshi's office felt like forever.

This place is easy and peaceful, she calls it fulfilling. Maomao is surrounded by support and able to use her talents to help others in a way that is meaningful to her. If the story ended here, Maomao would be content to live out the rest of her days just like this. She may never heal here but this place is safe from a lot of her triggers, so she could just focus on what she likes about being here, which is using her medical knowledge and tasting for poison. The people here accept her just the way she is and would never push her to do more that she does now. She would be content with that.

But.

There is so much more to Maomao. So much more for her to do and achieve, so much more she can give, so much more for her to feel. She can achieve goals that she doesn't even let herself acknowledge she has. She can find the deep joy that comes with being known and loved. She can do better than contentment, she can have deep fulfillment. But getting there isn't going to be easy. She's going to need to be challenged to grow and become stronger. She's never going to get that in the Jade Pavilion.

But challenge is something she got at Jinshi's residence. She claimed that the time she was there felt like forever. Because it wasn't easy. Suiren was hard on her, and Jinshi is always challenging Maomao to rise to her abilities. It's a strain, but Maomao always stretches herself to meet the challenge. She always comes through.

She probably also found her time there difficult because she was so frequently confronted with emotions that she would rather not face. But those emotions aren't going anywhere. She can suppress them and avoid them as long as she wants, but they will always be waiting to surface. She will have to face those emotions and process them to heal.

One of the problems at Jinshi's residence is that Maomao doesn't have the love and support that she receives at the Jade Pavilion or Verdigris House. If she could somehow combine the best of both; have the growth and challenge that she gets from Jinshi, with the love and support she gets from her lady friends, and a chance to utilize her skills, she would probably be best equipped to thrive.

Lakan is back to harass Jinshi. Maybe trying to figure out a way to get Maomao out of the Rear Palace. He asks Jinshi to produce blue roses.

Lakan: Are you up to the task? A man with your kind of power, nothing's beyond the realm of possibility.

Do this or I'll expose your identity.

Jinshi: I understand.

Alright, asshole. I get it.

Lakan: My goodness. It's hard to contain my excitement.

I can't wait to watch you fail!

He once again leaves behind the beverage he brought. Jinshi crumbles in frustration the moment Lakan leaves. Is this dude going to be Jinshi's father-in-law someday? Can you even imagine putting up with this family dynamic for the rest of your life?

Gaoshun asks around and finds out that the task is impossible. No one knows anything about blue roses, and roses aren't even in season. There is no way to pull this off in the one short month before the garden party.

Luckily for Jinshi, he knows someone that routinely pulls off the impossible.

Jinshi shows up to ask Maomao for help. He looks rather pathetic, with circles under his eyes, his slumped posture, and defeated attitude. Jinshi is exhausted and a little snappish when Maomao makes a joke about the person who requested blue roses being on drugs. He's at his wits end here and Maomao is his last hope. If she tells him it's impossible then this really is over and Lakan has won. It's a telling break from control for Jinshi. Gaoshun calls him back to himself.

Maomao deduces that Lakan must have put Jinshi up to this. She doesn't like to see Jinshi suffer like this, and she hates that Lakan has the power to manipulate people she cares about. She promises to do her best.

Maomao decides to use the sauna that was built for Lady Lihua as a hothouse to force the roses to bloom early. In exchange, she gifts Lady Lihua a manual from the brothel. Another parallel between the two similar but different gardens is in the way women from both try to get creative to please their husband/client.

Jinshi is distressed that Maomao keeps pushing herself and making her leg wound reopen. A constant reminder of how she got the injury, and the way she neglects herself. He recruits Xiaolan to assist Maomao in her task. Still, even with Xiaolan to assist, Maomao won't let herself rest. She gives up sleep and other self-care to attend to this task fully. Maomao's self neglect can't be totally negated, but Gaoshun does bring food, so at least she's eating.

Lady Lihua's ladies keep spying on Maomao. They are terrified of her and won't approach, but they are undeniably interested in watching her try to pull off this nigh impossible task. Maomao brings a trend from the Pleasure District into the Rear Palace to distract the ladies. Soon she's got everyone painting their nails.

We learn that Lady Gyokuyou won't attend the garden party, as she's trying to hide her pregnancy. And who can blame her. Wasn't she the target of assassination attempts last time she was pregnant?

The ladies of the Jade Pavilion, aren't happy that Maomao exhausts herself every time she works in the Crystal Pavilion. Also, Maomao's leg is not healing. But she keeps on pushing through to finish her task. Once she finally has a bud grow, she allows herself to relax.

She still looks like hell on the day of the garden party. Jinshi is pretty shocked to see her in such poor health. But she has given everything she has to do this task for him. And to give a big middle finger to Lakan.

Does Jinshi question whether it was worth it to sacrifice Maomao's well being to grow these roses?

Concubine Loulan is the star of today's party. She's the daughter of Master Shishou who is an important figure from the elder generation, as he is favored by the emperor's mother. Because of this, the emperor has always had to navigate a difficult political situation when interacting with Concubine Loulan. The emperor is put on the spot by Master Shishou, but is conveniently saved by Jinshi's arrival with the blue and other colored roses.

Jinshi is aware that he has made himself the center of attention and that he can't read some of the people's reactions is worrisome to him. He speaks about "Jinshi" in the third person. Talking about the persona of Jinshi rather than as himself. It makes me wonder what his real name is.

Lakan is also a problem that bothers Jinshi. We see Lakan wipe his dirty hands on the hat of another official, which is both odd and deeply dickish.

Lakan: What an annoying display.

Lakan is not happy that Jinshi somehow pulled this off. No doubt he has another dozen plans lined up to erode Jinshi's mental health.

Maomao is sleeping peacefully on Lady Yinghua's lap. When she wakes, Lady Yinghua begs her not to return to the Crystal Pavilion, before joyfully peacing out to give Maomao a moment alone with Jinshi when he arrives. She knows what's up with these two.

Jinshi: I just hope you aren't apologizing after everything I put you though.

True. Appropriate. Go on.

Jinshi: Nevermind. You did well.

Well, it was almost an apology anyway. And some praise. Do more of that. She worked her ass off to accomplish this and sacrificed a lot of her well being to pull it off. She deserves a lot more than a "you did well." Medicinal ingredients are always appreciated.

Maomao reveals her secret of coloring the roses. She thought it would be prudent to reveal the trick to the emperor ahead of time, which he found delightful. I question the wisdom of making herself stand out too much to the emperor, but what do I know.

It's implied that the blue roses in the palace were something that Lakan used to waste his time with. Maybe this will come back up and be important later, but for now, who gives a shit.

I'm sure there is a deeper symbolic or story based meaning behind the blue roses that I probably should have picked up on or cared about, but I'm going to be honest with you all, as of my writing of this blog, I'm pretty deep into a botte of plum wine, and my critical thinking is crashing hard, so you'll just have to tell me what I missed. 💋

Jinshi notices Maomao's nails and finds it surprising that she would paint them. Which it kind of is. She paints freckles on her face to make herself less appealing, but paints her nails to make them prettier? Does this have to do with her crooked finger?

Okay, so Maomao DID get something out of this. Some "item" in a box that she requested.

Lakan: How vexing. I didn't anticipate my provocation to fail.

I don't know what he's talking about. The only person I saw him provoke was Jinshi, who managed to do what he asked. Unless, the person he was trying to provoke is Maomao? Mess with Jinshi to provoke Maomao maybe? But she is planning something for Lakan, so he will see soon enough.

Thank god this show isn't told from Lakan's perspective, because holy hell, his fucked up view of people as Go pieces is really unnerving.

Apparently the manicures that all the ladies are wearing are a trigger for Lakan. They remind him of the woman he used to play Go with. And Maomao arrives, with precisely the same manicure color that Lakan remembers from his flashback. Gaoshun and Jinshi are there as well, but they too are game pieces to be manipulated. Maomao alone has a face amongst the crowd. The only one that he sees as a person. Maybe the only one that he can't or won't manipulate in the never-ending game he plays.

Whatever Maomao has planned for Lakan will have to wait for the next episode, because that's how this one ends!

If you want to read these from the beginning:

Episode 1

Next episode:

Episode 23

[feralfrontreciepts]

confessions of a failed negotiator

(this isn’t a receipt in and of itself, but it is related to the situation at hand)

Hi, guys.

What I’m about to say could potentially cost me both a) any respect I might’ve earned from the banned members, and b) any second chances the staff might have been willing to offer me, but I still think it needs to be said.

I’m really just here to clarify the things I’ve done wrong- as I believe everyone deserves full disclosure on this.

First of all, I essentially appointed myself as the banned members’ representative. There are just as many problems with doing this on the Internet as there are with doing this in a real-world government system, but even setting that aside, the truth is that I’m an emotionally-charged jerk who can’t even convincingly feign eloquence most of the time; I wasn’t fit to be anyone’s representative, not in a case as major as this. Had the banned members wanted someone to represent them, they could easily have found someone better- and even if they did pick me, the least I could’ve done was ensure I was educated on all of the issues that I brought up.

As a result, by making a complete fool of myself in front of Dynamo- trying to scapegoat Romans and Kodiene for starting the transfer drama simply because it was convenient rather than because I actually had any proof, not asking the right questions, not being as clear about the points I was trying to make as I should have- I made a complete fool of everyone I was trying to stand up for. All I did was inadvertently convince him that he was completely right.

So as an aside, just to make things clear- right now, I’m speaking solely for myself, not for anyone else.

In addition, I allowed my confusion on the matter to cloud my judgement, which also lended itself to the aforementioned issue. I will admit, at the risk of losing what little respect I might have had from the banned members and/or the staff: I didn’t think anyone was completely in the right here.

On one hand, I wanted to side with the banned members. I outright idolized many of them, in fact; were it not for the responsibility of taking care of LithiumClan that remained squarely on my shoulders, I might have joined in with their protests just because I thought it was the "cool" thing to do (I wish I was joking). What’s more, the members that were banned were actually able to prove much of what they were trying to say- they showed me screenshots, Wayback Machine archives, and other actual evidence to support their points. Dynamo, on the other hand, was deleting threads and banning members left and right; it seemed to me like he expected everyone to take his word for it that he was justified in his actions, without letting them see any evidence that the banned members had done anything wrong. (I confess, I’ve never taken particularly kindly to authority figures that I assume will expect me to just believe what they say without questioning it. It doesn’t excuse what I did later, of course, but I figured it was worth mentioning.)

On the other hand- and I know I’m going to get lambasted for this, but I have to say it- I knew that not everything that the banned members were doing was actually called for, or helpful. Posting threads containing grievances against Dynamo was one thing; many of the concerns brought up were legitimate and needed to be addressed, and if you guys are angry about something, you absolutely have a right to say so and explain why. However, some went so far as to target and outright bash other members and lower staff, which really didn’t help anything.

That’s not even getting into what happened here on Tumblr, either. Now, I know that a lot of people don’t think that off-site behavior should factor into on-site attitudes- but whether or not it should play a part, it does play a part.

When you guys went and gathered on the Saltclan blog for the sole purpose of complaining about what was going on and talking about staff and members behind their back (and continued to bring out some of the staffers’ mistakes even after they apologized), crowded around to call the new staff members names and talk about how the site was going to go downhill because of them, made and spread a meme about an ex-staff member’s behavior prior to the transfer (that ultimately had nothing to do with their conduct as a staffer), or what have you… I felt that regardless of how justified you may or may not have been in these behaviors, all you were doing was, once again, convincing Dynamo that he was in the right. The “heel-realization” that you seemed to be trying to cause in Dynamo, I figured, was never going to happen; and many (if not all) of the members that you were continuing to take a virtual dump on had long since apologized and corrected themselves, so bashing them was pointless, too. (As another aside, while I know defending Romans isn’t exactly a popular stance to take in this community, I did recently talk to her, and she was actually pretty reasonable about everything- she admitted that snapping at you guys was wrong, and that she understood why you guys might’ve been angry at her. She also added that if any of you wanted to address your grievances to her directly, her Skype was live:autmnlights, and anyone that wanted to contact her could.)

I understood at the time that you guys were angry and needed a way to express it, but behavior like that really wasn’t helping your case, I thought.

As a result, I didn’t know whose side I was supposed to be on. I didn’t know who was right and who was wrong, and I was sure that whichever side I chose, the other side was going to despise and demonize me for it. To me, the majority of upper staff, barring Maple, appeared (and still do appear) to believe that everyone who was banned was “toxic”, wanted to see the site burn, and overall deserved not even a shred of empathy; meanwhile, many of the banned members would accuse anyone that displayed even the slightest hint of sympathy towards the staff and/or disapproval of the members’ actions of being a “staff worshiper”, and would ostracize them for the rest of eternity. For the most part, it didn't seem like either side was willing to treat the other as the human beings with feelings and flaws that they are.

So I decided that, rather than supporting one side or another, I had to bring both sides to a resolution. With that, I began meddling in both sides’ affairs, trying to figure out how to manipulate them (yes, manipulate them- I was that conceited and dismissive of everyone's intelligence) into understanding each other.

Eventually, the afternoon of March 10th, 2017, I received a PM from Dynamo politely asking me to stop. However, sick and tired of what I believed to be resistance on his part to my “brilliant” idea (again, I was still riding my high horse), and already in a negative emotional state due to various outside factors, I finally snapped- I took a screenshot of his message, and posted it on the receipts blog for everyone to see, along with a passive-aggressive note stating that his attitude was “concerning” to me.

As a result of that (as well as a few other incidents from before), I was permanently banned two days later- and, by proxy, forced to leave LithiumClan to struggle on its own (for who knows how long), breaking the commitment I made to my friends there.

The truth is, I could’ve avoided all of this. I could’ve let the banned members and the staff either reconcile on their own, or simply go their separate ways. I could’ve let them do as they wanted, only taking action where I was explicitly asked to. Heck, I could’ve even let the matter drop once it was clear that nothing was going to be accomplished; it should've been obvious that taking my anger out on Dynamo by going behind his back wasn't going to help me or anyone else in any way.

But I didn’t. I was too selfish, too haughty for that. I wanted the friendly, loving atmosphere of pre-transfer Feralfront back; I wanted to go back to when every one of my friends got along and had fun together; I wanted to be the “hero” of the story, the one that fixed it all, and I was honestly conceited enough to believe that I could do it.

Instead, I only made things worse, and failed at the one job I was actually supposed to do while I was at it.

Everything I did was pointless, in the end. My bull-headed stubbornness to become the “hero” that Feralfront and its surrounding communities “needed” after having been a member for over five years… all of that blinded me to the fact that what I was doing, and the way I was doing it, wasn’t helping the staff, the banned members, or the site in any meaningful way.

Essentially, I let everyone down for nothing- rather than being a hero, I was just a pretentious prick in a dollar-store mask and cape.

I just want to say that I’m sorry. All of you deserved better- the banned members deserved someone who could represent them properly, the staff deserved someone who could talk to them calmly and effectively without acting on impulses, and the LithiumClanners that I left behind deserved someone who would’ve actually kept their promises and done the job they were supposed to.

I won’t be meddling in this conflict any further. Whether you all want to reconcile, or simply cut your losses and let things stay broken, is ultimately up to you.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck- and I love all of you, even if I never acted like it.

-Verdigris