#Well guess what buddy I articulated MYSELF too and you didn’t respect that; you don’t deserve anything from me

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

The HORROR of hearing your little five-year-old voice singing awkwardly along to a pristine backing track because your dad was just dying to shove you in front of a mic and produce a song as soon as you could enunciate words semi-intelligibly.

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

When You Least Expect It: Part Two

Part One

Jensen x Reader

A/N: This is a slow burn fic that I have been working on for a while. Its a story I wrote for myself and just wanted to share with everyone. Yes, the “Dee” in the story is who you think, but there is no intended hate on her or their actual marriage. It is a work of fiction, that is all.

Part two is from Jensen’s POV. There is also a playlist to go along with the series. 

Series Playlist: “When You Least Expect It” (Spotify) **Songs & lyrics used in this part are by April Smith & The Great Picture Show ** Some are just songs I imagined playing or being played as the story took shape in my imagination, or they are songs actually being used in the series. I will link them when that’s the case. Hope you enjoy it! xo

Series Summary: After a hard breakup, Jensen decides to throw himself into organizing a Music Festival in Austin that is meant to raise money for a few of his most cherished charities and organizations. As he throws himself into planning it, he stumbles upon a spirited, undiscovered performer, who he convinces to come aboard to help plan and coordinate the event with him. What transpires after that takes both Jensen and his new friend, by surprise. But when their respective pasts come back just before the event kicks off in Austin, they will both have to decide if the unexpected feelings are worth perusing, or if they should just walk away and go on with their lives.

Series Warnings: Language, Break-Ups, Angst, Fluff, Smut (that’s it for now)

WC: 7.1K (with song lyrics)

*Banner created by me; pics & gifs found online

Over the course of the next few hours, Y/N took Jensen through nearly every arcade, sweet shop and gift store that lived along the ocean’s edge. The rides weren’t currently running, but she was able to point out the ones that could come along with the traveling carnival Leo had promised to send to Austin the following Autumn.

Jensen launched question after question at her; he wanted to know everything from the history of the area to what its biggest attractions were. Y/N was an articulate and captivating storyteller, even though he sensed she wasn’t trying to be. The more she talked, the more he could hear the songbird he’d encountered the night before. He tried to get her to laugh a few times, throwing out a lame dad joke as a response to something or other, but nothing seemed to stick. Either she was the most professional tour guide to ever wear an Ozzy T-shirt, or she was just that unimpressed with his wit.

It was later in the afternoon when Jensen’s stomach really started to rumble loud enough that even Y/N heard it.

“Maybe we should grab a bite. The food stands were the last stop anyway,” she said and motioned for him to follow her.

“Sounds good. What do you have in mind?”

“Pizza is always great here,” she paused and pointed towards the Saw Mill. “They serve the biggest slices on the boards and their tomato sauce is like no other. Can’t get pizza like this anywhere else. But, I think you should try the lemon stand.”

“The what?”

“The lemon stand… they make these sausage and pepper sandwiches served with a side of potato wedges and fresh lemonade you don’t want to miss. It’s a staple around here every summer, and lucky for you, you are here on their last day of the season.”

Jensen’s mouth began to salivate at the idea and he nodded emphatically. “Yeah, let’s go there, that sounds amazing.”

What the locals referred to as the lemon stand, was really called Midway Steakhouse. A medium sized building right smack in the middle of the boardwalk. There was no line at the lemon stand, allowing them to walk right up to the counter. Jensen looked up at the menu and saw a handful of choices, but Y/N was lightly tapping his arm and shaking her head.

“No. Let me order for you, there’s only one thing you want to try. Trust me.”

Without waiting for him to answer, she turned to the man at the register.

“Heeyyy, Miss, Y/N! To what do we owe the pleasure!”

“How’s it shakin’ Miguel? I brought an associate up here to try the place. He’s getting a festival going in Austin next year and Leo is renting out a few vendors. Thought yours should be one of the few.”

Miguel waved her off. “Oh please, like my hermano would ever say yes to that. You know how he feels about Leo’s dealings.” He whispered the last word as if it would trigger a catastrophe.

“Well, we have time to talk. For now, though, can I get two sausage sandwiches, with peppers, onions and sauce, one side of wedges, and two medium lemonades, please and thank you.”

“For you, anything,” Miguel winked and turned to the two guys behind him. He barked out the order in Spanish getting the guys in motion. She turned back to Jensen and leaned back against the counter. “You won’t regret this, trust me.”

“God… the way it smells… I want this to be my heaven,” Jensen mused, finally getting her to smile a genuine smile. It didn’t go unnoticed but he also didn’t want to call her out on it. The longer they hung out, the more she was loosening up and he didn’t want that to stop. “So, what’s after this?”

“Nothing really,  you’ve seen everything. I’ll head back to the office and get the printers going for another set of contracts. The messenger can drop them at the hotel. I suppose your people can contact Leo’s people--”

“My people?” Jensen snorted, amused by her word choice. “What makes you think I have people?”

“You’re a celebrity. All you Hollywood people have people.”

The side-eyed glance he gave her was enough to make her stand up a little straighter. He was slightly offended by the remark but also tried to understand that she didn’t know him at all. Y/N was most likely lumping him into an assumption she had about anyone that could be considered a celebrity.

“I don’t actually,” he mumbled but knew fully well she heard what he said.

“My apologies. I just assumed--”

“Well, you know what people say about people… who… assume--” he trailed off when he saw she was trying not to laugh at him. He found this sort of refreshing.

“Mhm,” she said. “Sorry I assumed you had people. What I meant was, all that’s really left is for the new contracts to be printed and sent to whomever you like.”

“You’re forgiven,” he replied, his feigned smugness causing her to roll her eyes.

“You’re… something,” she groaned and moved closer to the counter and called out over the noise of the kitchen. “How’s it coming, Miguel?”

“It’s going! You can’t rush perfection, Y/N!”

And Miguel was right. It took fifteen minutes, but when Jensen sunk his teeth into the sandwich, he realized then he would have waited an hour or more for one.

“Good GOD this is good,” he said, wiping a dollop of the sauce from the corner of his mouth. “This is like, sinfully, ridiculously good.”

“Right? Told you. Now, if Miguel’s brother can be convinced to go, you want the Midway Steak House at your carnival.”

“And how do we make that happen?”

“We? No. You and Leo, maybe. But not we.”

“You wouldn’t be willing to help me out with that?”

She took a bite of her sandwich, and let her eyes wander out over the ocean. Jensen was aware he was staring, but he couldn’t take his eyes from her. He brushed the crumbs from his hands and sat back in the plastic chair that Midway Steak House offered just beyond their building.

“I guess I’ll take that as a no…”

“That’s just not my place. I’m Leo’s assistant, that’s it. The more involved I get, the less time I have for the other things I have going on.”

“Like playing in bars?”

“For one thing, yes,” she finally met his gaze. “Music is the goal, being an assistant pays the rent.”

“Well.. it is a music festival we’re planning here.”

Y/N chuckled a little at that and her expression told him she was considering it. “I guess you have a point. But, you have to understand these people trust me. I don’t want to steer them into a situation where they end up getting screwed.”

“I completely respect that. But, didn’t you read the contracts? This isn’t some bullshit scam. They will be compensated.”

“How could I? You spilled tea all over them,” she replied with the rise of one, challenging brow.

“Touché,” he relented. “All I’m saying is that this,” he paused and pointed to his sandwich, “needs to be in Austin next fall for the festival. I have the perfect brew in mind to pair it with.”

“Brew? Is this a beer fest, too?” she asked and leaned forward on the table. Had he finally caught her attention?

“It is. Sort of. My buddy and I own a bar and brewery. The plan is to hold a three-day music festival, bring in a bunch of different hometown vibes along with their food specialties and pair them with a brew from our catalog. The music part draws them in, and it’s not just loud, live shit all day long. I want all kinds of bands and performers. We plan on having stages in different parts of the city, different , arks and venues.”

“Sounds ambitious,” Y/N said, then began to wrap up her sandwich. “I love these, but I swear I could make at least two meals from it.” She finished up her lemonade and wiped her mouth with the napkin.

“So, just change the subject then?” he asked, still hoping she would help bring on the Midway.

“Look, Leo has the juice to get Miguel and Javier to say yes. I’m not the person to help you with this one.”

“But I think there is a way you could help,” Jensen offered, sitting up and also wrapping up his sandwich. “You gonna eat those?” he asked, pointing at the few remaining potato wedges.

“No, go for it, champ,” she snarked and rested her elbows on the table. “How do you think I could be helpful? Because I’ve already taken you on the tour. That’s the about the extent of my helping hands.”

“I don’t know, exactly...” he started, then paused and considered for a moment what should next come out of his mouth. Should he straight up confess that he dreamt about her and felt pulled towards her? Does he tell her that since the moment they met, he felt like she was destined to come into his life?

No, you idiot, you say nothing of the sort, he chastised himself, then thought of the most ambiguous thing to follow up what he had started.

“...just a feeling, I guess.”

To this, she audibly scoffed. “Ok, Mr. Ackles--”

“Oh God, please no… Jensen, or Jay. Never Mr. Ackles.”

“Whatever you want. Point is, that’s a load of crap and you know it. You want my help because you feel like maybe we bonded today. That I can get you extras, or things you were afraid to broach with Leo. Use me to get--”

Jensen sat up tall in his seat and waved her off, concerned about the impression she was getting. “Absolutely not, Y/N. That never even crossed my mind. I’m thrilled with the deal that was struck with Leo. I’m being serious when I say that just from what you have showed me and told me about today, I’ve got a million more ideas of things that could work for this festival. Your ideas and your way of storytelling, it’s not so easy to find.”

She started to speak, but he didn’t want to give her the chance.

“Let’s not forget, I saw you sing last night. I don’t care that it was some Kansas and Petty covers, you sang your ass off and played even harder. You have something special, and I want to bring that to this event.”

There was a moment where he thought she may have a real emotional reaction, but instead, she just smiled, pursed her lips together and nodded. “Thanks. Sorry, it was a short set, but I was late for rehearsals.”

“Rehearsals? Do tell.” He leaned forward and smirked. “I’m intrigued.”

“Not in this life, buddy,” she mused and stood from the table. “Come on, I’ll walk you back to the hotel. My car is there anyway.”

“Come on,” he whined as he gathered up his leftovers then stood from the table. “What rehearsals? I’m just curious about you. If that puts you off or makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I just enjoy getting to know people, especially you.”

She had started to walk away, but then froze in place and sighed. Slowly, she turned back to face Jensen and he could see that she was fighting off something… a sarcastic comment… the urge to run… who knows. But when she did finally speak, he couldn’t have been more surprised.

“Burlesque,” she said, slightly defeated.

“Say what now?” he asked quickly, making it sound like all one word as he desperately tried not to break out in a giant grin.

Y/N sighed with a little chuckle. She fully faced him and committed to answering his question. “I work with a local burlesque group.”

Jensen felt his breath catch in his chest. He couldn’t help but immediately picture her in a costume and dancing some New Orlean’s style burlesque dance and making him regret the decision to swear off women for a while. “W--Wow! I’m genuinely surprised. You dance burlesque?”

“No. Noooo,” she laughed, and not sarcastically either. It was the laugh he wanted to hear earlier that day, the one that had made him so curious about her.

“I don’t dance. Not even a little. You ever see Seinfeld?”

“Yeah,” he replied hesitantly.

“I am Elaine.”

Jensen laughed heartily and the image of Y/N dancing like a spaz in a burlesque costume made him feel a range of emotions, from pure hilarity to being a little more than aroused.

“The group needed a fill in music director,” she continued with a shrug, ignoring his elation, “so I promised to help out until they found someone new. That was two years ago.”

“I think that’s pretty damn cool,” he mused. “When’s the show? I’d love to check it out.”

“Not until Tuesday night. It's nothing big, really. We do it at one of the clubs in town. Business is slow, it draws a larger than average crowd for this time of year, so…” she shrugged, as if what they were pulling off was no big deal.

“Sounds like a big deal to me. I wish I wasn’t leaving tomorrow night. I’d love to get in and see it happen. Maybe…” he stopped and waved her off. “Nevermind. I’ve taken up enough of your time today.”

He started walking in the direction of the hotel and stopped when he realized Y/N was still in the same place. “Coming?”

“You want to come to the rehearsal tonight, don’t you?” she mumbled more to herself than to him.

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t turn down the invitation. But I know you went out of your way for me today. As much as I would love to come--”

“Oh, Jeeeesus…” she moaned and rolled her head back then let it hang for a moment before picking it up and staring at him. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a pain in the ass?”

“Yes. Often.”

Y/N reached into her back pocket and went over to the backside of the Midway Steakhouse. “Miguel, you got a pen?”

He did, and tossed it just right allowing her to catch it perfectly. She quickly wrote something on the back of a card and then tossed it back. “Gracias!”

She held the card out to Jensen. “Seven o’clock. Address is on the back. Come around to the rear of the building and be warned, we lock the doors at 7:05. Oh, and I guess I should warn you, most of them will know who you are and probably bum rush you for the usual autographs and shit.”

“That’s not a problem,” he replied, still sort of shocked that she was not only giving him permission to go, but her personal cell number, too.

“Ok, good. Look, I do have a few things I have to do first and I don’t need you tagging along. So, show up there at seven if you really want to watch the dress rehearsal. If you don’t no hard feelings. Despite how this day started, it didn’t end half bad and maybe you’re not as quite annoying as I assumed you would be.”

Y/N smiled, a slight lilt of surprise tugging at the corners of her mouth. Her expression wasn’t so hard and steely when she let her eyes connect with his. He liked her like this—softer and more of who she probably wanted to be, instead of who she had to be.

“Well, holy shit. Did I actually get you to crack a genuine smile?”

“I’m starting to regret this,” she warned, but he saw the teasing glint in her eye.

“Alright, alright. Run your errands. I’m going to go tuck this amazing sandwich in the hotel room fridge for later. I will be at the back door, no later than seven. Scouts honor.”

They both started to meander down the boardwalk in the same direction.

“It doesn’t count if you weren’t a Scout. So, were you a boy scout?” she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

“No. But I played one on TV,” he joked, his jaw slacked open and his hands splayed wide animating his joke.

“Oh for fucks sake,” she laughed. “How long have you been wanting to use that joke, dad?”

Jensen’s face went deadpan serious. “Years.”

Y/N didn’t buy his expression for a moment and threw her head back in laughter. “You’re a shitty actor, you know that?”

When she winked at him it was more than a simple gesture to show him she was joking; it was when he knew he was more than a little smitten.

Seven on the dot, Jensen parked his rental car in the nearly empty parking lot of the address Y/N gave him. He could hear music booming from somewhere inside, and got a rush of adrenaline that made him nearly jog to the rear entrance of the Bamboo Bar. As he rounded the corner, there was a small group of people talking and smoking which ceased the moment they saw him.

“Well, hello there sugar. You lost?” a very tall, broad-shouldered woman with heavy makeup and too-tight corset asked as she breathed smoke into the atmosphere.

“I hope not,” Jensen chuckled. “I’m supposed to meet a friend here by seven.”

“Are ya now? And just what friend is this?” she scoffed and continued to smoke her cigarette.

“Y/N... “ he pulled out her business card from his back pocket and handed it to her. “Y/N L/N. She invited me to watch the dress rehearsal since I wouldn’t be around for the live show.”

“Ohhh, you mean Trixie Luna,” she chuckled and handed him back the card. “One sec, sugar.”

“Trixie Luna?” he repeated to himself and tried not to snicker. The more he learned about Y/N the more he liked her.

While the woman who made Jared look short, leaned into the entry and bellowed for Trixie Luna, Jensen looked back to the small circle of friends and offered a smile. They were all staring at him curiously, until finally, it happened--as it usually did--and one of them recognized him.

“Ooohh shit! I know you!! Dude, you’re from that show! The one about the brothers and the badass car, right?” the guy exclaimed, his face a swirl of excitement and disbelief.

Jensen chuckled and nodded. He held out his hand towards the guy in greeting, who took it and shook heartily. “That’s me. Jensen Ackles… nice to meet you.”

“Jensen, yeah, that’s it! I’m Ricky, this is Gwin and Sara, and that tall drink of water there is Mama Mia. What the hell brings you to our shit town?”

“Oh man, seriously?! This town is fantastic!” Jensen replied. “I’ve been here two days and I don’t wanna leave.”

“Dude, you travel the world and you like it… HERE? You sure you didn’t drink the sea water and get all loopy?”

“I’m sure, brother. I just think its an awesome town--”

“Yeah, so awesome that he’s dragging half of it back to Texas with him,” Y/N said, hints of playful sarcasm coating her tone as she leaned against the entryway. “So, you made it? I’m sort of surprised.”

“Not as surprised as I am, Trixie,” Jensen replied, and this time it was his turn to raise a questioning brow at her. He could see the slight embarrassment in her expression, but she wouldn’t let him have that satisfaction in front of her people.

“You found out my secret. Trixie Luna is my alias for all the shenanigans I like to do in the cover of night. Come on, Hollywood, let’s get you settled in as rehearsal really should be starting.”

The rest of the group snuffed out their cigarettes and quickly hustled inside as Jensen watched on, completely amused and downright ecstatic he was going to witness whatever was about to go down. He followed in line behind them and once inside looked around the large venue before being lead to a seat by Y/N.

“You stay put. I have to go put on the wardrobe while they warm up.”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied, giving her a mock salute. She rolled her eyes, as she normally did at him, and disappeared behind the stage.

It was only another minute or two before the house lights went dark and the stage was lit with a variety of colorful lights, and one simple spotlight shining on the tropical print curtain. As it pulled open, there was an elaborate, but clearly homemade set, that flowed from floor to ceiling. It was done up in bright colors and had a small spiral staircase on either side of the center backdrop which was painted to look like an old balcony reminiscent of the ones you’d find on the streets of Amsterdam.

The music kicked in and Ricky came out, dressed like a ringmaster to a circus, but now donning a sleek handlebar mustache. His song kicked off the show, soon turning into an ensemble number that left Jensen laughing and completely enthralled in the performance happening before him.

A couple of songs in, Mama Mia sauntered over to the table and sat precariously close to him. She leaned forward so her chin rested on her hand, as her elbow butted up against his at the table.

“So sugar,” she said just loud enough for himt to hear, “whatcha think of the show so far?”

“Its fucking great!” his genuinely big grin satisfied her and she relaxed before sitting back in her chair.

“Isn’t it? I swear, since Trixie took over, every new performance has been nothing short of amazing.”

“She directs the whole thing?”

Mama Mia nodded. “She does. Gathers the music, helps to put the little acts together, has total creative direction over the sets, scenery and costumes. The only thing she doesn’t do is choreograph the dances.”

“She mentioned not being a great dancer,” he chuckled.

“Oh, sugar, that’s the understatement of the year,” she laughed a throaty laugh and raised her one hand to the sky. “I love that girl somethin’ fierce, but I swear, she should never be allowed to dance. Ever.”

They had a good laugh over it and then turned their eyes back to the stage. Knowing how much input Y/N had on the show, left Jensen even more impressed than he already was. This woman was a gold mine of creativity and direction; someone he could absolutely use in his life. Just as the song ended, Jensen stood and gave a boisterous round of applause.

“Oh, it ain’t over. Trixie Luna herself still has two numbers to do,” she winked and wiggled her painted on eyebrows. “You must be someone special, she rarely gets up on that stage unless she’s standing over there in front of the band. And getting her in one of these damn corsets? Nearly impossible.”

“She’s gonna sing… in a corset?” Jensen’s breath caught in his chest. A flutter of excitement grew in his gut and rose, finally forcing the air out in a nervous chuckle. “Well, I’ll be damned,” he mumbled to himself.

The curtains closed and Jensen could hear the flurry of activity happening to change the set behind the curtain. When it opened up again a minute or two later, the main set was the same, but a lot of the extra stage dressing had changed. It was transformed into a cafe/shop. A handful of the cast were already on stage, acting like patrons enjoying coffee or browsing through the wares. The music kicked in and when the first few lyrics blared through the speakers, he instantly recognized Y/N’s voice. It brought ripples of goosebumps to his arms and his legs making him happy that they were covered and no one would notice.

“If you dig under my feet You will find things that you don’t want to see Things that I hide way down inside A menagerie of the tragedy that I’ve caused and all of my flaws And my demons oh if you’d seen What would you do… if you only knew…”

She slowly glided down the small spiral case to the left of the stage dressed in a 20’s style flapper dress that came to rest on her upper thigh. It was crimson red, and had a plunging neckline that left little to the imagination. The thousands of beads that were sown into the fabric caught the lights of the stage, making her glitter in grand fashion.

Once she reached the main floor and kicked into the chorus, Y/N moved across the stage, pretending to do terrible things to the people as she went along the way. She pulled up one girl’s skirt, on another she went up and grabbed her chest, all done in a playful, fun routine that Jensen was getting lost in. As Y/N sang on, he was less hearing the words, more watching her expressions as she sang each line, performed each terrible act.

The fact that she was the only one who wasn’t in full makeup, wasn’t lost on him either. The heavy makeup look of the burlesque troupe added to the show, but on her, the natural beauty and talent that radiated from her was all she needed.

When the number drew to a close, the entire troupe, was dancing around her, as she both sang and acted out the rest of her song. On the last note, he was on his feet, clapping and whistling, and grinning like an idiot.

“Still ain’t over, sugar,” Mama Mia chastised in a raspy whisper, and tugged on the hem of his shirt. “There’s one more for her with this bit, THEN you can ooze yourself all over her.”

Ignoring her, Jensen sat back down and watched as the act continued. A quick improvd bit between Y/N and Ricky went down, as his alter ego, Burt Trombone, stalked and gawked at Trixie Luna. The lighting switched and piano wheeled out from the side of the stage. A new piece of stage slowly dropped from the rafters above, dividing the set making it appear as if Trixie was in her own room now.

The piano kicked in and as she began to sing this new song... 

Do you ever wonder if I'm dreaming of you In the night at my window by the light of the moon? If you ever wonder if I'm dreaming of you Well, I'm not, so you can stop wondering...

She slowly stripped out of her flapper dress, to reveal a very tight, black corset with lace leg garters that attached to thigh high sheer black pantyhose.

I've got better things to do Than sit around thinking all about you And hanging on to every little word that you said I've got plenty to keep me busy Without you running round in my head

The way she swung her hips swung and the way her arms dramatically flipped up her hair and ran down the length of her sides, was leaving him uncomfortably aroused in the middle of the nearly deserted club. By the time it was over, she’d left him speechless and so bewitched, wishing somehow he could go back and see it all again immediately.

Rehearsal ended about an hour later at which time the rest of the burlesque group flocked to Jensen, throwing questions at him, taking pictures and getting autographs. Y/N had changed back into her Ozzy shirt and jeans, and sat on the edge of the stage, slowly kicking her dangling legs back and forth. She looked on as her friends swarmed Jensen and when he looked up, noticed her watching, he thought she looked amused.

The bar finally cleared out leaving just Y/N, Mama Mia and Jensen behind. Y/N and Mama Mia started to clean up, and Jensen jumped right in to help.

“You don’t have to do that,” Y/N said as she swept the stage.

“I don’t mind, happy to help,” he said enthusiastically, before lifting the two bags of garbage and hauling them out towards the dumpster. He didn’t miss the little nudge and wink Mama Mia gave Y/N as he did so, making himself stifle the grin that wanted to emerge.

When Jensen came back in, Mama Mia had her coat on and was picking up her keys off the table. She hugged Y/N, whispered something to her, then sauntered over to Jensen and gingerly pinched his cheek.

“Sugar, you best come back here sometime and see me. Your laugh and applause is music to my ears,” she winked and seemed delighted that she made him blush. With that, she was out the door leaving him alone with Y/N.

“That was quite a show,” he said approaching her timidly.

She looked tired, but still radiant, and when she smiled up at him, his knees went a little weak. “It was a good rehearsal. I think you being here really lit a fire under them.”

“Your songs were the best part.”

Y/N rolled her eyes subtly and shook her head, gestures that seemed to be her go-to where he was concerned. “Stop sucking up to me, Hollywood. You’ll get your damn Midway Steak house at the carnival, okay?”

Jensen’s laughed echoed through the empty club. “I’d already forgotten all about that!” he exclaimed throwing his arms up in the air. “I swear!”

“Yup. Sure you did,” she teased and swept up the last of the remaining confetti. She looked at her watched and closed her eyes. “I can’t believe how late it is. Would you mind terribly giving me a ride home? It was nice earlier when I walked here, but I’m too tired to walk home now.”

“Of course. I’d be happy too.”

The flutter of exhilaration filled him, but again, he did his best to keep it under control. However, by the time they were actually in his car heading through the deserted streets of Seaside and up to the bungalows just outside of town, he could feel himself becoming more affected by her just sitting next to him in the front seat.

Y/N directed him to make a right on a dirt side road, and go until he couldn’t drive anymore. When he reached the end of the road, he parked the car and killed the ignition. They were at the place where the dirt ended and the sand dunes began. She got out of the car and didn’t seem at all surprised when Jensen followed suit. Not that he expected her to invite him in, but solely so he could take in the scenery before him.

It was well past midnight, and the moon had risen high enough over the ocean, that the breaking waves not more than a hundred feet away caught the reflection of its light on their crests. Seagulls could be heard cawing from down the beach, probably stalking the poor bar-backs taking out garbage from the few restaurants closing up for the night. Under their cries was the soft rumble of waves lapping at the jetties further up the beach. Above them, the sky was clear and dark, allowing the stars to twinkle in white brilliance. Jensen was transfixed and didn’t notice Y/N standing at his side until she spoke.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Huh? Yeah… its breathtaking,” he mused, his lips somewhat agape in awe, the little crinkles forming around the corners of his eyes.

She smiled softly and cast her eyes to the ground. “Feel like a little walk before you head back?”

He looked at her, taken back by her offer. All day he’d been the one to ask questions and try to get to know her, and now she was finally taking small steps towards him in return.

“Absolutely! But, are you sure though? I mean… I don’t--”

“Jesus Christ, Jensen. Shut the fuck up and talk a walk with me,” she chastised and looped her elbow through his, forcing him to start up the ramp through the dunes.

When they got to the beach proper, she kicked off her shoes and encouraged him to do the same before rolling up the cuffs of her jeans. She didn’t link with his elbow again, but she stayed close as they navigated their way down the beach closer to the water’s edge. It wasn’t as cold as he thought it could be, but a slight shiver ran up Jensen’s spine regardless as the suds ran over his toes.

After they were walking for a while, the breeze kicked up and Jensen could swear he caught the hint of music.

“Do you hear that?” he asked, pausing to look around.

Y/N chuckled, “I do. Up there--” she pointed to the houses that lined the beachfront. There was one, lone house lit up. The sliding glass doors were open, and yet there was no one moving around in the house. “That’s the Sinatra house. The people that live there leave their windows open on nice evenings and play Frank. There used to be a boardwalk that ran the length of the dunes, and people would walk down here just to sit on the benches, hear the music and watch the ocean. Superstorm Sandy ripped it apart a few years back, along with the house. But over the last few years, the community has helped to rebuild it. So now, every Friday and Saturday night, even in the off season, they will open the doors and play us some Frankie.”

Jensen listened to the story in awe, and found how tender her features had gone at the recollection to be endearing. He thought he understood how special this place was before, but after spending the day with her, and having this experience, it went much deeper than he could have dreamed. There was something about that kind of love and passion that he desperately needed in his life, and with that, his need to have Y/N around more was growing in leaps and bounds.

“You know,” he started, “that show you put on there tonight, was pretty spectacular.”

“That’s all them. They’re a seriously talented group.”

He debated on what came next. Jensen knew that if he pushed her too far, she’d probably retreat back to the more hardened woman he’d met earlier in the day. Yet, he wanted to be real with her, not give her some strangely compliant version of himself. That felt fake, and a girl like this could smell the stench of lies a mile away.

“Sorry, sweetheart, I gotta call bullshit there,” he said with a unapologetic shrug. “I know that was all you. Well, except for the choreography.”

She threw him some daggers along with her glance from the corner of her eye, but couldn’t resist a smirk, either.

“Mama Mia sold you out, by the way,” he continued. “She told me it was all you. Acting, music, sets, costumes… which by the way, you looked HOT in that dress, and what, uh, was underneath it.”

She ignored his last comment. “First off, Mama Mia exaggerates. I suggested set designs and they went with it. The music, yes, I am technically the music person. Costumes…” she gave a shrug and trailed off, leaving him to think that was also very much her choices as well but taking credit for it would move to prove him right. “Second of all, what does it matter what input I have? They’re the ones killing it on stage. Did you see those fucking heels the girls were wearing? That’s dedication.”

“Do you do that a lot?” he asked.

“What?”

“Deny how good you are... At singing, at… everything?”

She rolled her eyes again and he felt himself growing irritated now.

“I’m serious, Y/N.”

“Ok, you’re serious,” she said, sort of mocking his voice. “No, I don’t always do that. I know I can sing and play music. But that’s when it’s just me up there. I wasn’t solely responsible for that show, so I won’t take it.”

“I get that. I do… probably more than you know. That being said, you should take some credit, because you directed the hell out of it.”

“I’m not a director, Jensen.”

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. “Director is in your fucking title for the show... Music DIRECTOR! You know, I admire you, a lot. I have since seeing you sing last night. Spending the day with you just reaffirmed everything my gut told me the second you stepped on that stage. You’re so damn talented. Your creative vision is amazing and your ability to execute it… God damn, it’s incredible. But you have to be the most insufferable, stubborn woman I’ve ever met!”

Y/N found his exasperation slightly amusing, leaving him feeling further annoyed by her. Yet, it wasn’t enough to dampen his feelings for her. In fact, he wasn’t exactly thrilled at the affection he had for guitar girl growing. Feelings were messy and he’d had enough of that lately.

“That’s funny?”

“Very,” she replied.

The way she looked at him sometimes, so challenging—almost like she was issuing him a dare—was driving him crazy. He calmed the flustered arousal she caused and considered his next move. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, Jensen finally asked her what he’d been wanting too almost all day.

“Here’s something that isn’t funny…. I want you to come to work with me. I know I mentioned it earlier, and while I wasn’t a hundred percent serious, I am now. I want--no--NEED your vision. Not just for this area’s part of the festival, but the whole fucking shebang. Move to Austin and help me plan this thing.”

She stopped walking and just stared at him. Her face read genuine shock. “Do you know how crazy that sounds? I’ve known you for a total of twelve hours.”

“So? What does that matter?”

“It just seems sudden. You don’t know me. How do you know I’m trustworthy or qualified? I could be a crazy psycho--”

“Are you?” he laughed, as the crinkles around his eyes took shape.

“No… but…” she shrugged, trailing off unsure of what else to say. “I’m not an event planner. You know that right? It’s important to me that you know that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jensen turned and kept walking further down the beach, kicking sand with his bare feet as he went, and still able to hear Frankie singing in the breeze.

After a few steps, he turned back to face her, still slowly moving backward and had shoved his hands down into his pockets. “Look. I get that it's sudden, and yeah, a little strange that I am asking you to uproot your life for a year to help me, a stranger, plan an event in a city more than a thousand miles away from your home. It's not lost on me how off the wall that is. But…”

He trailed off and shrugged his shoulders. He watched her expression change half a dozen times in the few moments he stayed silent. Jensen tried to find the best approach to convince her to say yes, but it wasn’t easy. Y/N was a tough sell, she wasn’t like the typical women he met, either on set or off. She was stubborn and unwavering in her resistance to his charms. Not that he was trying to capture her attention romantically despite the feelings that were growing, but he did want her to come work with him.

“Name your price,” he challenged..

“Desperate much?” she scoffed. “What makes you think money will do the trick? I may work three jobs, hustle pool on the side and play any gig that comes my way, but, buddy… money is not my kryptonite. You keep your cash.”

“Fair enough. What if I told you that you would be helping kids in and around Austin get a Creative Arts program kicked off in the city?”

She froze again. Jensen took a moment to notice how the nearly full moon caressed the lines of her face as she stood motionless, her mind racing in thought. “Wait… that wasn’t in the paperwork. What program are you talking about?”

“It was, actually. Not sure exactly where, but with so many area businesses pitching in, and people coming in from all over the country, we thought the residual funding could be used to purchase a building and renovate it. Then giving it to a Board of Trustees that will be entrusted to run the Austin City Creative Arts Council.”

“Wow,” she mused, clearly impressed. “That sounds amazing. As a high school theater geek, I thank you for that. But, that doesn’t mean I need to move halfway across the country for a year to help you plan it.”

“Maybe, but it would be a hell of a lot of fun,” he smiled and nodded in a way that made him look like a kid himself.

“You don’t take no for an answer, do you?”

“Not usually. Especially when I think it's important.”

“Me working for you on this, that’s important?” she paused in consideration. “Ok, I’ll bite. Make me an offer. What does this job entail?”

Jensen had a moment of hope and couldn’t hide the smile that flashed across his face. “Alright…” he began to contemplate everything he would happily do to get her to say yes. “I’ll get you a place to live with a year lease. Plus a car to get around. Salary is negotiable. I’ll pay for your move and whatever else you need to come out to Austin. Flights back home once a month if you want. What else?”

“What would be my role, exactly?”

“Creative Director? I mean, whatever you want your title to be, you got it. I want you to help me with making it fun, and unique. Definitely help me with music—help me find it, plan it, convince other artists to come out and play. We do these conventions, all over the country and I can’t tell you how many people come up after the Saturday Night Specials and tell us about their own band, or music. I want those artists to come out and play, too.”

“They’re already coming to you, how would my presence help at all?”

Jensen just starred, half flabbergasted half amused, at the resistance she was giving him. “You know, most people would jump at this chance.”

“I’m not most people, Jensen.”

“Clearly. I guess that’s why I am asking you and not anyone else.”

That seemed to grab her attention and as they continued to walk further down the beach, she grew quiet and all he could hope was that she was honestly contemplating his offer.

“Alright,” she said, but stopped walking. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll consider it on one condition... “

“Name it. Anything.”

“You may be sorry you said that.”

“Trust me, I can see the value you of having you around as this thing gets worked out. I am willing to do anything--short of murder and armed robbery--to make this happen.”

“Ok…” she said and grinned in a way that made him, only for a moment, regret the anything part of his statement. “I want you to strip to your underwear, jump into the surf and sing the first verse to Joy to the World.”

Jensen’s face stuttered through a range of emotions as the lines of his forehead pinched together in confusion. “I’m--wait, what?”

“You heard me,” she said and crossed her arms over her chest. “Strip, plunge, sing. Do that, and I’ll come work for you.”

“Jeremiah the bullfrog song?!” he asked again, curious as to why she would pick that song. But then he saw the challenging gleam in her eyes again, and it was all he needed. Holding her stare intensely, he discarded his shirt and jeans, leaving him only in a pair of dark blue boxers. She raised one brow as he silently questioned her directions with his own expression.

“Chicken?”

“Not even a little,” he said and turned to face the ocean.

Before she could say anything else, Jensen tore across the sand and dove head first into the chilly, October surf. The moment he popped up from the water, he threw his hands up in the air and began to dramatically sing the song she requested. The chill of the water gave him a much needed adrenaline rush and as he continued singing, he got more and more animated about it. He could hear her laughing and the sound of it was all he needed to keep going.

Rounding to the last repeat of the chorus, Jensen finally started making his way out and the closer he got, he realized she had recorded him on her phone.

“Did you video that?” he asked, half freaked, half pissed.

“I did,” she chuckled and played it back, showing him the screen.

Jensen gathered up his clothes and started putting them back on. “What the fuck for?”

“It’s about trust, Jensen. I’ve been burned by a lot of people. Family, friends, lovers, business associates… I’ve learned that trust isn’t just something to hand out like business cards. I want to trust you, because I think you’re a good person. But I need to really believe it. So… if you want me to trust you enough to give up my steady work and life here, to move halfway across the country for a job that will be done in a year. You need to trust me that I won’t post that video online.”

“Sounds more like blackmail to me,” he teased and pulled his shirt back over his head, beginning to shiver from the water.

“Maybe it is a little, but part of trust is believing that I am a good person, too. I wouldn’t just release that to the public if you screw me over. That’s the difference between it being blackmail or not.”

Jensen snorted a laugh and realized that Y/N wasn’t like other girls at all. He knew she was different, definitely special, but she was also very self protective and self reliant. She had a way of thinking around things that he found fascinating. If she were to give up her life in Seaside, and move to Austin for him, it was a huge deal and not just something she would do on a whim.

“I actually get that,” he mused. “So, does that mean you’re taking the job?”

“Looks that way,” she said and stuck out her hand to his to shake. “You set me up there, pay for the move and promise a one-year contract and we got a deal.”

“Deal,” he said and took her head in agreement.

The moment his fingers wrapped around her petite hand, he realized that this woman—this incredible force of nature that blew into his life like the infamous Superstorm Sandy—would leave him in a wake of wreckage. The question was, would it turn up unexpected treasure or just a mess he would eventually have to clean up. Either way, he didn’t care. Y/N said yes and that’s all that mattered to him.

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[alexanderthegreat1990]

Buddy

Earlier this year, I began looking for new friends. For some time, I had been somewhat fixated on pleasure and romance, but learned to abandon those so as to have something serious and clean like friendship. I mainly use social apps to find new people in and around my area, as I don’t go out often. Out of the gaggle of people on one app, I noticed this handsome guy who gave off a friendly vibe, so I said, “This guy seems nice. Let’s talk to him and see what he’s like”. Talking to him, he seemed very mature, articulate and had his life together. I guess I was pinching myself to see if this guy was for real, because it’s not often that a guy like him acknowledges me, but I went with it.

I learned that he is a teacher, which is pretty awesome. I shared my hobby of 3D puzzles with him and learned he loves to sew as well, so we both love art. At one point he became flirty with me, which was okay, but told him that I just wanted to get to know him better and make a new friend in him and to not to dirty it with sex and/or romance and devalue him by treating him like a piece of meat, but still let him know that I was open to the possibilities in the future. He too said time would help us get to know each other better and that he wasn’t looking for anything specific, yet would be open to something more serious and meaningful if it came about. He was very wise in his words, saying among other things, “It is always good to chat and get to know someone; however, you can only express so much through written word. It is hard to convey without the spoken word and characteristics of an individual’s personality present in the flesh”. I grew to really like and respect this man, and we talked a lot in April and May about anything and everything. He even requested to add me on Facebook and gave me his cell phone number and address. 

Later on, I learned that he was sort of struggling financially and looking for a new roommate. Even though I too was not in the best position, I offered to be his roommate. I had a few reasons for jumping on it so soon. One was that I was offering out of the kindness of my heart to help someone else. Two, I wanted a new change of pace in life and felt this move would have been good, and getting to know a new friend and share our space and lives together. Three, I didn’t want just anyone to take the offer, as I don’t know if anyone else would have this guy’s best interest like I do, not knowing if they were violent or kleptomaniacal or destructive, and wanted him to know that he was in safe hands with me and that I would never hurt him or steal from him or destroy his apartment. The new living arrangement seemed sweet, as I would be paying less sharing an apartment than what I’m paying now for my place, plus having a new buddy around and spending time together. We talked over the phone about the plans and it felt nice that I was finally getting somewhere for the first time in a long time. 

May 30th was when everything came to a grinding halt. That evening, I had asked what the situation was with the new apartment we planned on moving into, as he had to talk it over with his landlord and see if it was still available. He told me it was no longer available, that someone else in the same complex had claimed it. I was let down, but said that I would still like to be his roommate once something else was available, as I had given him my word that I would help him in any way I could. Everything else after that evening is still unclear and still weighs on me. I waited a few days after this to talk to him, as I knew he would be busy with work, working double shifts and needing sleep. Heard nothing from him, so I waited again, and texted him and called him a few times over the period of a few weeks, but no replies and no voicemails, not even one phone call. It became clear to me that something happened, but what? In an effort to try to reach out to him, I sent him a letter. I put everything down on paper that was on my mind and came clean to him about a few things. I even told him how I felt about him and wished him well. To this day, I have not gotten any acknowledgement from him since the evening he said the living arrangement fell through.

I have come to accept that the living arrangement wasn't the right time, but what I cannot accept and don't understand is why this growing friendship ended so abruptly. Now that I look back, there were some red flags that I should have taken more consideration to, but didn't want to dwell on the negative and still go with the flow. What got me is that he often wouldn't finish his part of a conversation and would skim over reasonable questions that I asked (ex. I asked him what he teaches, but never got an answer). One other thing that bothered me is when I offered to come up to meet/visit with him, so that he wouldn't have to drive the 40 miles to my place, he would never communicate back on if such-and-such time was alright to come up, and this happened twice, maybe once over. I am still trying to understand, and I have thought over and over why I couldn't get to a certain point with him. Perhaps I wasn't totally honest with him about my situation, other than what I felt comfortable sharing with him, and that threw off the balance of everything. I came clean about that in my letter, but to not have any acknowledgement, forgiveness and reconciliation is unfathomable. I feel like he wasn't honest or forthcoming in a lot of things, but felt that maybe he was shy, nervous, had second thoughts or reneged on wanting anything to do with me. Without a word from him, how am I really supposed to know?

Even with all this, I still think highly of him, and bet he's an awesome person to be around. I would not have contacted him in the first place had I not felt that he was a genuine person or worth my time. Something else happened, apart from what I contributed to it, and I have tried to make peace with the situation (and him) so I can move forward with the next objective in my life, but I haven't been able to. Have I lost my only chance to get to know him? Why was something/someone I felt strongly about and wanted more than anything to have suddenly ripped away from me without explanation? Did I hurt him by not being truthful to begin with? Did I ruin my integrity by doing such? Does he think less of me now? Can someone who seems so good really be that cold? Most people would say that I should move on from him, but why? Why should I give up on a person whom I still feel strongly about and gave my word to? Why would he want me to give up on him? Why would he give me the means to communicate with and meet him if he wasn't intent on us ever meeting and spending time with each other? I really wanted, and still would like to have, his friendship, and nothing more. I often thought that maybe he was somewhat offended that I didn't want to immediately hook up with him, when he's used to guys wanting him for that, not knowing what his self-worth is, and what his worth to others are. His friendship is more valuable than anything. He has to know that there are people who think highly of him and want the best for him. I told him he's a mature, intelligent man who deserves to be happy, healthy, treated like a gentleman and to have everything he desires. I just wish I knew if he believes me or not, especially after I stretched the truth with him.

I find myself still thinking about him, still wondering what could have been and what could have been done differently. I don't know why I want him in my life so much, it's just how some people make you feel, you know? I miss him, and will still keep the line of communication open, even if nothing ever happens, because it's important to not let good people pass you by and let that go forever. I still really want to bring him along for the ride as I grow as a person and discover new meaning to life. I'm sure we could learn a lot from each other. I just wish he was open to me like I was to him. I remember him saying that time and distance has a funny way of separating people and bringing them back together when forces deem it necessary. I hope in time that's what will happen with us. Can I believe his words though, since he was the one who became distant all of a sudden? How is it the one who shared such wisdom could end up being the one who got away? Can I ever trust him? Did I lose his trust? Was there anything between us to begin with? Will I ever see him or hear from him ever again? I suppose I will have to respect his wishes to not have me in his life, although I don't completely understand why, when reconciling, forgiveness and a new friendship would be much better than all the uncertainty, pain and tears that I have endured for a month and a half. I know he and I are from different worlds, but that doesn't bother me in the least bit, I am not judgmental or stubborn and would welcome him into my world. I pray one day that the darkness lifts from his soul and opens his heart, and will make things right between us. Life's too short to let good things pass you by and to harbor so much darkness. I will wait patiently, even if nothing ever happens. I gave him my word, and that I promise him. I'd do anything for him, and that's no lie.

[heres-what-i-got-blog]

politics n shit, don’t reblog

like. i’m still trying to sort out election stuff. i want to be right, and i want to be compassionate and genuinely understanding for people different than me, and i want that to include people with different ideologies than me.  people rarely fall neatly into ideological boxes, and things get messy and complicated.  especially when it’s people you love.  

my family is so politically divided, and i want to look past that, but all i see are ways they are intolerant or ignorant in ways that will negatively affect people.  they don’t see climate change as a threat, when the scientific community is in agreement that it’s a problem, a human-caused problem, and if we don’t act quickly (using stuff that’s already available) it’ll get indescribably worse.  they’re ok with racist jokes, homophobic jokes, transphobia, and islamophobia.  they justify it with “not actually using slurs” or hushed tones in front of the kids, and being friendly enough to poc/lgbt to their faces, but underneath i’m aware it’s there and it bothers me so fucking much.  even the more left-leaning side of my family, posting stuff about bernie sanders all day on facebook then telling racist jokes at dinner, or my one cousin sending REALLY racist/sexist/homophobic memes in the cousin group chat.  i’ve stopped responding to the group chat, and i don’t laugh or smile at the jokes, but i’m so pathetic, i’m the worst kind of “ally” because you’re supposed to stand up for people no matter what. but i get so flustered, and i’m bad at even standing up for myself, how can i stand up for others? who aren’t even there and against people i still love? it bothers me so much, makes me so uncomfortable, but i’m so bad at articulating even generic stuff, and i’m too much of a wimp.  

i know they can change, on homophobia alone i know in like 2008ish my parents were “marriage is strictly btwn man & woman no questions asked” then by 2012 they were “ehh... i dont want it called marriage and it’s still weird and stuff, but they are devoted couples and should have the same rights” and now its just kinda... i guess not on their radar as something to be opposed to anymore.  they’re kinda in the “born this way” ideology like “they just cant help it! and they can’t be changed, why be a dick about it?” but still making comments about how “weird” it was when we went to a friend’s son’s wedding-type-ceremony-in-a-state-that-at-the-time-didn’t-have-equal-marriage and making “not that there’s anything wrong with that!” jokes at even the vaguest hint that someone might be (stereotypically) gay

ugghhghgh the best i did to stand up was when my dad was going on about how “clean coal really is” and what a lie climate change is.  like, imo that shouldn’t even be a politicized thing, it should be what we should do about it, not whether or not it exists.

i’m so fucking afraid for the future, pissed beyond description that a shitbag like trump won, but also, how do we get through this? it’s not just one area of government, and with congress and the supreme court in his favor (presumably, although maybe he’ll be too out of line for his own party, even if there’s no evidence of that so far) he’ll pretty much be able to do whatever he wants.

russia- well, i wasn’t around for the cold war, but this is the closest i’ve come to really understanding the cold war history unit (and i had several intense units about it in high school in both american and russian/ussr history classes).  i mean, in theory, we should try to be peaceful with them, but they’re doing shitty things, in their own country and in others, that i don’t agree with.  but those largely don’t apply to us, at least directly, and i don’t think its our job to get involved every time someone does something.  especially not with another nuclear power.  but... they also hacked us.  to what degree, i don’t know, there’s so much swirling around about that, its so difficult to remember what is true and what’s rumor.  but we do know they hacked us in an apparent attempt to swing the election towards trump, even if that’s not what got him elected, even if it wasn’t directly hacking the polls, it was still an attack.  and the fucking president-elect has been beating around the bush about the whole thing, like he and putin are pals, but also no one can control putin like him, like... what?? and then he doesn’t rule out using nuclear weapons, he proposes expanding our arsenal in a fucking TWEET??? 

jesus christ. we are beyond fucked.  i don’t agree with everything any president has said or done.  i wasn’t happy about obama being elected in 2008 (a teenage girl in a small conservative town proud to parrot off whatever her parents or fox news was spouting that day), but i wasn’t scared.  my parents werent scared.  they might have been angry, or bitter, or disappointed, but they weren’t afraid for their safety, or the wellbeing of their friends.  the thought of nuclear war was so far off, and their main concern was money and higher taxes.  buddy, if that’s all you’re worried about, that’s not too bad.  yeah, it isn’t always good, but jesus, now i know the meaning of a bad election result.  

and the thing, to tie it back to my family again, the thing that gets me is no one in my family voted for trump.  not even the staunch conservatives.  they didn’t necessarily vote against him either though, but at least no one liked him.  still just a couple months later they’re defending him.  calling people who are anti-trump special snowflake babies, and the like.  they don’t know my political beliefs, they don’t know i have friends (some of them the same friends since elementary school) that are lgbt, or (heck) even democrats.  they don’t know who i voted for, and they only asked me once; i gave a vague non-answer.  i know my candidates (a fairly enthusiastic bernie sanders voter, turned fairly lukewarm clinton voter/very anti-trump voter) were not perfect, but given our political system it’s not like i had another choice, and i felt i was doing my part.  but hearing them bash not only my candidate/s but their voters on a personal level, saying they should “put plastic bags over their heads” was... yikes.  like i know nasty things are said about trump voters, but those are against people who’d vote for a man who has said downright (and allegedly done!) disgusting things regarding women and minorities.  i have no respect for him (and literally never will. at age 70 if he hasn’t gotten his shit together by now he is irredeemable in my eyes), i try to understand people who voted for him, but its difficult... how do you look past all that?? i know many are desperate, many don’t like him, or whatever, but... dude??? 

there’s no way for him to earn my respect, and people defending him lose my respect as well.  my only consolation is that i still don’t think he’ll last long, and while pence as president would be absolutely horrific, at least it would resemble a presidency.  we would be set back decades, but not into an unfamiliar dystopian future with rampant war and corruption.  its not much of a consolation, but it’s all i have for the next four years. i love my country, but what. the hell. happened.