#so uh… he’s not getting any asset of mine to use for his projects. No sir.

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

The HORROR of hearing your little five-year-old voice singing awkwardly along to a pristine backing track because your dad was just dying to shove you in front of a mic and produce a song as soon as you could enunciate words semi-intelligibly.

[athys-obelia]

character/s: claude de alger obelia, diana of siodonna, felix robane

synopsis: it's...uhm....an empress!diana x concubine!claude crackfic 😭😭

warning/s: uhh a sprinkle of politics, the robane duchy is now siodonnan and not obelian screw canon, diana is lowkey mean to rogrog

a/n: i'm so sorry this is so bad

part one

felix's foot taps against the tiles of the empress' room impatiently. "you stayed up finalising the agreement all night, your majesty, perhaps some rest is due?"

diana spares him glance, turning sideways from her position on her bed. "what was his name again?"

  "pardon?"

  "the painter," she elaborates, pointing towards the painting on the ceiling above the bed. "i keep...i don't know, i keep finding new things the more i look at it."

  "is that so?"

the painting itself, a coronation gift from felix, depicts the goddess diana reaching out to the children of the world and vice versa. "if you look at the sky closely - remember our old siodonann classes?- 'for the people' is hidden in the stars. isn't that cool?"

the knight squints at the painting. "oh, i see it! i wonder why it's in old siodonann, though?"

  "i would guess it's because the imperial family wasn't worshipped in the old days," diana explains, "for example - right now, in some parts of the empire, my late father - bless him - and i may actually have shrines because people believe the imperial family's descent is from the gods. when the kingdom was just formed, though, kings and queens weren't allowed to ride alone in carriages as they greeted their subjects- they needed to have a slave with them at all times, who kept on repeating 'you are human' to them. 'you are human', 'we are all the same in the eyes of the true gods."

the sound of the army of maids behind the door is enough to pull felix out of his trance. "er...horatius calvus, your majesty."

  "hm?"

  "the artist, that's his name."

  "ah." diana turns to the painting once more, eyes staring at the goddess' hair that melted into the night sky. "would you be able to get in contact with him? i'd like to commission a piece."

felix bows gracefully. "as your majesty commands. oh, and - for the obelian delegates' farewell celebration tonight...has your majesty decided on an escort?"

she groans, falling back on the bed. "i've had so much free time lately, the harem is all i think about!"

  "very funny, ma'am. then...shall i prepare the usual?"

diana shakes her head. "i'll visit viscaria palace later and see for myself. the obelians brought some concubines with them as presents, it's be nice to weed through the bunch."

felix's eyes nearly pop out. "you're visiting the harem?! your majesty! did you find someone you like??"

she chucks a pillow at him before he can continue. "you weren't loud enough just now, fe, i don't think all of siodonna heard you."

  "...apologies, ma'am."

three years ago, when she had only just come into power, diana remembers being afraid of the large, gold doors between her and the council room. she remembers pausing before entering, regaining her breath, preparing her mind. projecting an image.

if there is one thing she has learnt, though, it's that only fools can be afraid of their own property. their assets. the larger-than-life doors swing at her command, allow or deny entrance with solely her permission. confidence comes easy when you act like you own the place - nevermind the fact that she did own most places.

but i have no reason to be afraid.

the obelian delegates stand at her arrival and bow like good little lords should before an empress. one of the more prominent ones stands to address her as soon as the meeting commences.

  "blessings and glory upon the sun of the great siodonnan empire," he says.

diana raises an amused eyebrow. this game, hm? "is that an obelian greeting, duke? how interesting. here, one would usually wish 'a long life to the protector of the siodonnan people'. that's all i am, after all - how could i be the sun?"

duke alpheus sputters. "er...i failed to acquaint myself with siodonnan culture appropriately, my apologies, your majesty. i shall do better next time."

how arrogant. still, she smiles, "i must confess, duke alpheus - i am slightly susceptible to praise, so i'll let you off this time."

  "thank you, ma'am."

  "although making the assumption that there will be a next time at all was quite courageous of you." diana signals the guards, who open the door to let the final participant of the meeting inside. "however -courage and bravery are traits best suited for kings and queens, duke. not lords."

the obelian delegates pale as they watch their - former - emperor, wrists bound, enter the hall with an entourage of knights.

diana glances at the newcomer. "although i suppose even for an emperor, too much of a bravado may cost a war."

anastacius de alger obelia glowers at her.

she frowns at the knights. "how come such a precious friend of mine is tied up like this? is this how we siodonnans treat our guests?"

felix bows deeply. "i apologise, ma'am - he was resisting far too much."

  "whatever the case. get a seat set up right here, beside me - after all," diana smiles at the fuming obelian, "we were dining together just a few months ago, weren't we?"

  "three months ago, to be precise," anastacius spits out, "after which you decided to switch tides and invade us like a coward."

she watches one of the knights set down a fancy chair to the left of hers, reaching out to untie the bindings on anastacius' wrist. diana frowns suddenly, waving over felix, "ah, is this the leash my brother used when he tamed his dragon?"

the former emperor flinches, staring down at it. "someone here tamed a dragon?" a light pink dusts his cheeks - did he really touch the actual leash of a dragon?

felix shakes his head with a small smirk. "this is the leash her majesty the late dowager empress used, ma'am. for her dog."

  "-ah, right, i remember now! all the ones marked with this little purple line are used for tying down senseless animals, aren't they?"

  "yes, your majesty." felix returns to his spot behind her, clear amusement swimming in his grey eyes as he watches the obelians try and maintain their composure.

diana gently lets the leash loose, a hand on the stunned anastacius' shoulder to lightly push him into the seat. "you aren't wrong - i did betray your hospitality, didn't i?"

roger alpheus winces at the sudden authority in her tone as the knights pass out a document to each of the obelian lords.

  "obelia's greeting and offer for peace was kind to me, so i must return this generosity. your country is now part of the siodonnan empire, so we should be parting on a good note. will a little present suffice?"

a brunette diana remembers to be a count speaks up, "...a gift, your majesty?"

felix moves closer to the table, watching the detailed map of siodonna carved into its centre. as he raises his hand, almost as if it were a chess piece, a small island moves to the left. its color flickers between a siodonnan purple and the obelian teal.

diana sighs. "i was planning on the island of delphine, since it not only contains a relatively large gold mine, but also much tourist attraction."

oh, she can see the stars in alpheus' eyes already. "thank you, your ma-"

  "but." he shrivels under her piercing gaze, "but, obelia doesn't need gold, does it? what you need is better foreign relations. and what better way to form an alliance..."

she eyes the map, and with a flick of felix's wrist, a small stretch of land connecting two continents switches from its original purple to a hue of blue.

diana looks up now, meeting even anastacius' shocked eyes. he eyes her suspiciously, "do you really-?"

she nods. "...consider it a gift from your sovereign. it is enough, yes?"

  "i- uh," duke alpheus blinks twice, "the isthmus of erven is...an adequate present, yes, your majesty. the people of obelia shall thrive due to your generosity."

  "it is not generosity, duke. your people are my subjects now. however, i hope you realise the isthmus isn't obelian property for obvious reasons. there is no trust between us. despite this, what i will allow is some access." diana stands, watching the foreign nobles mirror the action. "the terms and conditions of our relationship from this point onwards are in the papers before you and are, obviously, subject to change. feel free to approach me with concerns, should you have any."

  "you were firmer than i'd expected with the obelians, your majesty," felix comments.

diana recoils as his eyes light up at the sight of viscaria palace. "remember when i visited obelia for anastacius' coronation? i was only seventeen, but two years into my studies as heir - and they were all over duke renauld's son! poor cousin ronnie couldn't stop apologising."

felix snorts. "the renaulds wouldn't have dared challenge your majesty's claim, not while the late empress dowager was behind you."

  "ha! that's right, everyone was scared of mama." she grins fondly, "papa most of all."

the knight nods, murmuring a prayer.

  "i want them gone as soon as possible," diana admits, "but there's much to settle before that. i need to fix up anastacius before we can let him back, the second prince is still...what was his name, again?"

  "claude de alger obelia, ma'am."

she winces. "yes, he's an impo-"

a commotion sounds from within viscaria. felix raises an eyebrow at the shouts echoing from the beautiful building, a hand already atop his sheathed sword. "ma'am, stay back, i'll have a look- your majesty! where are you going-?!"

navigating through the decorated halls, diana halts before the entrance of the garden. the argument is between two men she doesn't recognise, as the older concubines gather to the side, amusing twinkling in their eyes.

  "attention!" felix roars, "her imperial majesty, empress diana celeste!"

the two freeze in fear.

  "disrupting my peace. how dare you?" diana demands.

one of them, dressed too finely for someone she hadn't even seen yet, steps forward. "your majesty, my name is xerre, i was only-"

she raises a hand, effectively shutting him up. tone softening, diana turns to the group crowding around the desert table. "lex?"

the group shuffles to let a young, silver haired young man forward. lex bows gracefully, laugh lines around his eyes crinkling. "yes, my lady?"

  "do you know what happened here?"

lex nods. "the monthly salary was being distributed, your majesty, and xerre - being a present from the kingdom of masur - had some trouble believing his amount was the same as a former obelian slave's. verhan stepped in to argue that your majesty was the one to decide this, and they began fighting."

  "shall i prepare for his voyage back to masur, majesty?" felix asks, as the rest of the concubines roll their eyes at his antics.

diana studies the masurian concubine, beckoning him closer. "it is common knowledge i do not generally accept gifted concubines from territories out of my own."

she watches his adam's apple rise and fall, tracing a nail over the well defined jawline. xerre shivers.

  "however, your king is new to his throne, and his queen one of my dearest friends. do you realise how our alliance will look were i to send you back?"

he nods cautiously.

  "i do not wish to withdraw support from someone i consider a brother, xerre. especially when he is engaged in armed conflict on two fronts."

  "i- i am prepared for any punishment your majesty deems appropriate."

diana sighs softly. "i would send you to work for me in the capitol, but the rules state every concubine entering must reside here for a certain amount of time. until then, bear with it. this palace, and a life of luxury, is only meant for my favorites. clear?"

  "yes, your majesty."

  "my apologies, ma'am," felix says once the crowd disperses, his head hanging. "i should've prepared for your arrival with more care."

she waves off the apology, heading to the guest hall to take a look at the new obelian  concubines.

  "vera leaves for her son's wedding for a week and we've already had an incident. honestly, felix."

  "...who's vera?"

diana pauses at the unfamiliar voice. her gaze falls on the figure sitting on the window seat, entirely immersed in the book in his hands. she blinks, stunned, watching the colourful window's filtered light paint the brilliant blonde of his hair.

felix is the first to address him, scoffing, "i believe your majesty's beauty has enchanted one of the gods - who else would dare address the empress of our nation so casually?"

diana chuckles, watching as the man stands, intrigued. she stays silent, breath hitched, as he towers over her, studying her with a curiosity that rivals hers from a moment ago. and only when he finally lowers himself to a knee does his hair part, and diana flushes at the red tinting his ears.

  "greetings to her imperial majesty, may the gods grant the protector of the siodonnan people a life long and blessed."

she offers him her hand. "rise. and tell me your name."

a beat of silence passes as he stares at her outstretched hand before hesitantly accepting. "claude, your majesty."

  "claude," diana tries, finding it rolls of her tongue deliciously.

he raises an eyebrow as she regards him. "your majesty...?"

diana smiles, her hand moving to touch the various jewellery adorning his fingers. gently, she slides off the gold ring off of his ring finger. "you must have a good reason to be donning an unauthorized magical item in my palace."

he doesn't answer, head lowered.

her hand lets go of his, raising to grip the blonde's jaw. diana tilts up his face, meeting his gaze. the dull grey eyes from before have vanished, replaced by glittering blues.

she inhales sharply. "you're...the obelian pr...the second prince of obelia."

he nods.

diana turns, more puzzled than angry. "why is he in my harem?"

  "... didn't your majesty wish for it?" felix tilts his head in confusion.

  "what? no?"

the knight frowns. "but i was so sure...your majesty said you didn't have an heir because you wanted a concubine as beautiful as me...when we took over the imperial palace, as the army swore their allegiance...your majesty said the prince was the prettiest you’ve ever seen?"

  "i- felix, i was kidding!"

  "...oh."

she turns to the prince then, "and you! you're a prince! how come you just went along with this??"

  "well...it was the most peaceful part of the palace..."

diana gapes at the two men, before finally sighing in defeat. "you're telling me i was scouring the lands for you, while you were right...?" she raises a hand to massage her temple, "...gods grant me patience."

felix cautiously steps forward, "your majesty...i understand this is shocking, but... tonight's escort..."

she glances up at the obelian prince. "allow them all to retire. i've found the perfect escort."

a/n: hmmm this was a bit empty claudiana wise, wasn't it? their development is coming though, i had to give empress!diana an intro :) also !! the situation may seem a bit confusing rn, but next chapter will clear things up! or you can just ask me for clarification <3

💕 felix is dying to find a concubine diana likes bc he really really really wants to be an uncle

💕 in siodonna, emperors/empresses are referred to by their first(diana) + middle name(celeste) and not a last name bc they technically can't belong to a house, they belong to the empire. but the middle name is important bc you have to ask for it (from someone you love and respect usually), you're never just born with one (so you could ask a parent / friend / mentor yada yada and they give you a name they believe fits best)

[gaemkyuu]

The Meeting

Warnings: implied intercourse, but not described A/N: First story that I am posting! I have four more parts, so if you like it, leave me a comment and I will post the others :) Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece on Charlie Gillespie. In no way do I claim or declare that Charlie’s portrayal is accurate to real life. I do however, own Teagan Valencia :)

Masterlist

The Teagan Valencia Series: The Meeting  / The Fight / The Proposal / The Present / The Recovery / The Future 

The Meeting

“Quiet on set...! And...Action!”

Teagan watched in silent adoration as Charlie delivered his lines. She didn’t always have the opportunity to sneak away from work to watch him work, but today was an exception. The second season was well underway in the filming process and their popularity was increasing. Kenny noticed Teagan out of the corner of his eye and motioned her over so that she could watch the scene from the monitor. She was amazed at how Charlie looked playing Luke. She had met him three years ago when he was filming Season 1, but yet the boy on camera looked exactly like he did that same day three years ago.

***

Teagan had been visiting Vancouver that weekend to visit family and help her sister get settled. Her little sister had been accepted into the University of British Columbia in the Business program studying Accounting and Finance. She was the pride and joy of filipino immigrant parents as she was attending an esteemed university and getting a degree. All the while their oldest, Teagan, had opted for a non traditional method of getting into the marketing industry by working for a popular canadian clothing brand. Her sister was going to be a university graduate while Teagan worked her way up the ladder in a retail store. Teagan always knew that going to school wasn’t where her path was taking her, but she always knew that hard work, determination and experience were valuable assets in the job market. Something her parents would never understand.

“Charlie watch out!”

They were walking around Gastown in their cute summer dresses killing time before their dinner reservation, when Teagan was knocked over by another person. As she got her bearings, she felt cold liquid on her chest and the weight of another body. The other person quickly scrambled to their feet and profusely apologized, helping her stand as her cousins stood there in shock. She heard a couple more footsteps rush over to where she were standing, dusting off her butt and looking her tackler in the face. In an instant, Teagan had forgotten what had happened as she got lost in the deep green pools of the man in front of her. It wasn’t the eye colour that stole her focus, but rather the intensity of emotions that he conveyed through them. Teagan could see and feel the embarrassment, regret and sincerity of the man.

“Teags?”

Her cousin’s voice broke her trance and she blushed when she realized she had been staring. She noticed that two other people stood behind him, in which she assumed was her friend. One was fairly tall and blonde and the female with long auburn hair and a beanie. Teagan forced herself to focus on what the man was saying rather than the beautiful eyes in front of her.

“I am so so so sorry. I completely didn’t see you and didn’t mean to ruin your dress or tackle you to the floor” Teagan looked down at her once cute summer dress covered in iced coffee from Starbucks. “Is there any way I can make it up to you?” Teagan stood there speechless.

“Uh-uhm- D-Don’t worry about it! It’s totally fine” Teagan felt slightly flustered and out of breath, her blush deepening as she heard her cousin scoff on the side. “I can quickly just go and buy something else to wear”

“Please let us pay for it! We feel horrible!” the man’s female friend offered coming closer to Teagan motioning the other two males as well.

“Seriously, it’s fine! I’m totally fine! Don’t worry about it!” Teagan couldn’t quite understand why she felt embarrassed when they were the ones who were at fault. “What happened anyway?”

“Our friend thought it would be funny to run away with my iced coffee and wasn’t looking where he was running. It’s my fault too because I was chasing after him” the blonde one shyly confessed, rubbing his neck apologetically. “I hope we didn’t ruin your night”

“We were just killing time waiting for our reservation. It isn’t for another half an hour, so we have ample time to grab Teagan a new dress” Teagan silently thanked her cousin as her brain was malfunctioning at the handsome man in front of her. 

“We seriously feel so bad, can we please make it up to you somehow?” the female tried to offer some sort of compensation again.

“It’s totally fine, no hard feelings. It wasn’t like it was on purpose right?” Teagan’s brain started to slowly function as she declined the offer of the female.

“Seriously, we need to make this up to you two. I won’t take no for an answer and if you do say no, I’ll just follow you around until you say yes” The handsome man took a step closer to Teagan, causing her breath to catch and swallow deeply.

“Uhm, okay! I mean, if you won’t take No, I’d much rather just make new friends instead of gaining a stalker!” Teagan could feel her words tumble clumsily out of her mouth. Thus began the start of a new friendship. Teagan, her cousin and their new friends ventured to the nearest H&M to find something else for her to wear. Turns out that the other female, Savannah, had excellent taste in clothing. They all came to learn that they were all in the same age range, with Tegan being born in 1997 and Owen, the blonde being born in 2000. Teagan also came to learn that her handsome tackler’s name was Charlie and that all three of them were actors for a new Netflix project that was scheduled to air in the New Year. The three ladies got along incredibly and their shopping trip turned into all five of them going to dinner. They had lucked out when a table of 5 before them no-showed the restaurant. They spent the evening getting to know one another and a deep friendship was easily formed. Throughout the night, Charlie and Teagan connected on several levels and at times forgot there were three other people at the table. Occasionally the two would banter or tease each other, even though they had met that day. As their dinner came to an end and bills were paid by none other than Charlie, the girls exchanged contact information, planning to hangout on their next day off. But before Teagan could walk away for the night, Charlie slipped a piece of paper in Teagan’s hand apologizing one more time for running into her.

‘Coffee? This time I won’t spill it on you’ was messily written on the one side, with his phone number on the other. Teagan’s cousin didn’t notice the smile that lit up her face, but she quickly snapped a picture of it and tucked it in her purse for safe keeping.

That coffee date with Charlie ended up becoming a regular occurrence, though the only one who would be drinking coffee would be Teagan as Charlie always settled for tea or whatever dessert or smoothie he wanted to explore that day. She appreciated his adventurous side as she was creature of habit at times. She learned a lot about the industry and the many quirks of Charlie Gillespie.  Soon, coffee dates turned into dinner dates and dinner dates turned into weekend cuddles and relaxation, but filming would eventually wrap and the holidays approached, leaving Teagan and Charlie to make a definitive decision in their relationship. Teagan didn’t expect to extend her Vancouver visit from a week to about a month and a half. Reality was coming fast ans soon Charlie would be back to LA and Teagan working in Edmonton.

“Charlie, what are we?” she asked him as both sat on the couch of his apartment. Mama Mia played softly in the background on the TV as she turned to face him.

“Well what do you want to be?” he cheekily asked her, flashing one of his killer smiles.

“Je suis sérieuse. Tu retournes à LA toute suite et moi à Edmonton. C’est quoi ça?" Charlie knew that when Teagan spoke to her in french she was serious. It was one of the things he learned early on about Teagan. He was pleased to know that she was fluent in french, having taken an IB course in high school, but they often bantered about their accents. She understood how french was a huge part of who he was and she didn’t speak to him in french unless it was important. She knew it got his attention right away since he was so used to being around people who only spoke english.

He paused the TV, complete silence filling the room, both of them facing one another. Charlie was off to Vietnam for the holidays and Teagan planned to spend hers with her family in Edmonton, seeing as she had made an impromptu extension to her trip in Vancouver. He knew that the next time they would be seeing one another they would be crossing borders to visit one another and to be honest the distance felt a bit overwhelming. But Charlie couldn’t shake the fact that there was something about Teagan that he didn’t want to let go. 

“What’s going to happen when we both go back to living the way we were before one another?” Charlie chuckled softly to himself, knowing his decision. Teagan cocked an eyebrow at his response.

“Well nothing’s going to go back to the way it was before Teags” she loved hearing Charlie use her nickname. He said it in a way that sounded so comforting to her ears. “You’re mine right?”

“Define: mine” Teagan smiled coyly at Charlie, already understanding what he meant. “I need help understanding you. I don’t speak Charlie Gillespie Language” Charlie rolled his eyes and got down in front of Teagan, settling in between her legs.

“Teagan Jillian Valencia, will you be my girlfriend?” He jutted his lips forward ever so slightly to create the perfect pouty lips and then he comboed them with his best puppy eyes. Teagan shook her head at the dramatics of the man in front of her and kissed him on the lips, pulling him up and forward. “So, that’s a yes?”

She nodded and kissed him again, this time a little more aggressively. Charlie took the hint and started getting all handsy, but Teagan broke their kiss. “As much as I would love to do this right now, Owen comes home in 30 minutes and I would much rather him not walking in on us, again”

“Well let’s make this quick and move to the bedroom!”

[ezrisdax-archive]

Ooh sam/vala fake dating for the femslash bingo?

for femslash feb bingo and over here on ao3

~~

Vala, if she was being honest with herself, had screwed up a little.

Flirting with the prime ministers’ son on the planet they were on to get a few extra resources thrown their way had seemed like a genuinely good idea at the time.

However when he had declared they would be wed by the next harvest moon Vala realized her misstep.

“Oh. Um.” Vala began, “I’m flattered, truly. But I can’t.”

Palomo was looking at her and beginning to frown and Vala could see all her hard work going down the drain.

“The thing is I’m already engaged.” Vala just kept going because she’d never been one to stop.

Palomo blinked, his anger overwritten by surprise. “You are?”

“Yes, and um, you see they’re not one to share.”

Any minute now this was going to blow up in her face.

Palomo crossed his arms. “I should like to see proof of this with my own eyes.”

“You’re in luck.” Vala said, spinning the tale as best she could. “You see it’s one of my compatriots.”

Palomo’s eyebrows rose.

“And there she is.” Vala continued, spotting Sam entering the room. “Hello love, such excellent timing you have.”

And without a moment’s hesitation Vala crossed the room to kiss Sam.

~~

“I’m sorry.” Vala said for what must have been the twentieth time.

Sam pinched her nose. “You’re fine.” She assured Vala, at least she seemed understanding of the situation. “Just, I’d prefer a heads up.”

After Vala had kissed her Sam had pulled away and muttered something about the two of them needing to regroup with their team and dragged Vala out of the room to the ones they’d been giving.

She and Sam were sharing.

Vala almost appreciated the irony.

“Look, we just have to pretend while were on this mission. Or,” Vala’s shoulders fell, “I suppose I could go back through the gate…” She threw in a pout while she was at it.

Sam didn’t look impressed.

Vala kept at it.

Finally Sam snorted in amusement. “All right, I guess it couldn’t hurt. A few of those extra power cells of theirs will be worth it, I swear I could make a ZPM out of them…” Sam began mumbling to herself.

Vala jumped up to throw her arms around Sam in a hug. “This is why you’re my favourite.”

“I thought Teal’c was your favourite.” Sam asked, her tone amused however.

“It changes.” Vala admitted easily enough. “But you are my fiancé so…” She pulled back to wink at Sam. “I’d say it makes you my favourite.”

“You should probably stick with me for the rest of the mission then.” Sam pointed out.

“Does that mean the lab?” Vala asked, disappointed. It wasn’t that she minded spending time with Sam but the lab was boring and Vala was on a strict ‘don’t touch anything’ clause after the magnet incident on the last planet.

“Cheer up, maybe there’s something in there you can steal.”

“Really?” Vala perked up.

“Vala, no.” Sam said and then paused. “Or at least don’t tell me about it so I have plausible deniability.”

“See, completely my favourite.”

~~

“So.” Cameron drawled at dinner that evening looking between the two of them. “Anything you’d like to share with the class?”

“What class?” Vala asked, wrinkling her brow. “Ah,” She said a moment later. “Earth euphemism.”

“Look you all just need to go along with it, if you’re asked about it, say that we hid it from you because of Earth regulations and this is new to you. That way you won’t have to lie too much.” Sam said calmly, like they were discussing the weather.

“I just feel bad I didn’t get you an engagement gift.” Cameron was grinning at them.

“You can just give us one when we get back to earth. I’m partial to jewelry.” Vala told him. “Don’t worry, I can send you my Amazon wish list.”

“We never should have shown you that.” Daniel said and Vala stuck her tongue out at him.

“I believe congratulations are in order.” Teal’c said as he arrived at the table, late due to his scouting around the city.

“How did you hear about it so quickly? Didn’t you just get in?” Sam asked.

“Shouldn’t you have already offered congratulations?” A voice asked above them and Vala’s head shot up to see Palomo there.

Instantly Sam reached over to cover Vala’s hand with her own, a warm steady pressure against her that soothed her heartrate.

“You are incorrect.” Teal’c said smoothly, “I was referring to Daniel Jackson’s most recent discovery in the temple.”

Palomo narrowed his eyes at the team and Vala shifted on the bench, inching just a little closer to Sam and not liking at all how his gaze landed on her.

Vala hadn’t realized she was holding her breath till he finally tilted his head in acknowledgement and walked away.

“Well I didn’t like that.” Sam frowned once he was out of ear shot. “You really thought flirting with that guy would go well?”

Vala sunk in her seat. “It seemed like such a good idea at the time.”

Sam kept her hand on Vala’s the rest of the dinner.

~~

True to her word when they arrived at the lab the next morning Sam grinned at Vala, “Go wild.”

Seeing another advisor of Palomo’s walking the hall Vala leaned in to kiss Sam, “You’re the best sweetie.”

She must have caught along quickly enough because Sam reached up to run a hand through Vala’s hair, smoothing it away from her face to tuck behind her ears. As soon as the advisor was down the hall Sam wrinkled her nose. “Could do without the pet names.”

“Why do you humans call them that?”

Sam opened her mouth to explained then shut it. “Hunh. I’m actually not sure. I bet Daniel would know.”

“Remind me to ask him.” Vala said because bothering Daniel always was a favourite hobby of hers.

“I’ll be sure to.” Sam said drily.

She then started pulling out her notes from the day before and Vala knew she’d lost Sam’s attention.

Vala sighed heavily. “Betrayed by my love’s first love.”

Sam didn’t answer but Vala still caught the smirk.

~~

“Saaaaaam,” Vala whined, flopping herself onto the table. “Come on, it’s lunch time.”

“In a minute, I just need to get these readings right…” Sam broke off muttering something that Vala couldn’t decipher.

“Or you could come back to it after lunch, you’ve been working all morning non stop.” Vala got up to walk around the lab bench and over to Sam. “Come on now, time to spend time with your lovely fiancé.” Though her tone was light Vala pushed just a little at Sam’s shoulder to get her attention. She had noticed Sam was a little too involved in her project at times.

Sam rubbed at her forehead before agreeing, “I guess I could use the break.”

“That’s the spirit.” Vala brightened, she slid her hand down to grasp Sam’s. “Did I ever tell you about my run in with the Tok’ra?”

“Did you steal from them?” Sam asked, following Vala as she led them from the room.

“Steal is such a harsh word, I prefer the term borrowed. Without the intention to give it back. And repurposing it for my needs. And anyway it was a fair trade!” Granted Vala did feel a little guilty about it now. But she was making up for past deeds and that was what mattered.

“Uh hunh.”

Vala sniffed, “You know I have heard that Earth weddings require couples to split assets. I was willing to share mine.”

Sam raised an eyebrow at that. “Really?”

“Of course!” Vala said cheerfully, “So long as you share yours. When can I move in off base?”

“Ah, I see what you’re getting at.” Sam said and glanced at Vala, “Do you really want to move off base? You know I wouldn’t mind helping you.”

“Will Landry let me?”

“I’ll vouch for you.” Sam squeezed her hand. “And you can crash at my place if you need to.”

The warmth Vala felt had nothing to do with Sam’s hand holding hers but it certainly contributed to it.

“Thank you Sam.” She said genuinely.

They made it to the hall where food was still being served, none of the rest of the team was around however.

This time they sat across from each other at a small table in the corner.

They’d only been there a minute though when someone set a tray down and took a seat at the round table.

“I hope you don’t mind me joining you,” Palomo said with a tight smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Vala shivered a little at the look.

Under the table Sam pressed her foot against Vala’s, like she was trying to offer whatever limited comfort she could.

“Not at all.” Sam said pleasantly and though she was smiling Vala knew it was fake. One of those military smiles that Sam and Cameron both had when they were forced to be happy about something and really wanted to shoot instead. “Vala and I were just discussing out honeymoon.”

“Honeymoon?” Palomo asked, looking confused by the word.

“Earth tradition.” Sam explained. “After marriage the couple goes away for a week. I was thinking the Tok’ra homeworld.” Her voice turned teasing at the end as she looked over at Vala.

Vala groaned, “I say we skip that. Not that I don’t think it’s lovely but I’m not sure the welcoming party would be…welcoming.”

Sam hummed in amusement and took a sip of her drink.

“Anyway I’ve always wanted to see Abydos the way Daniel goes on about it.” Vala waved her hand in the air a little as she talked, unable to help herself.

Sam winced, “That one would be hard to do.”

“Oh.” Vala said. “Gone?”

“Gone.” Sam echoed with a mournful nod.

Vala made a mental note not to tease Daniel about Abydos then.

“We could always try a place on Earth.” Vala said, trying to lighten the conversation again. “I’ve heard wonderful things about your Disneyland.”

“We’re not going to Disneyland.” Sam said flatly.

Vala pouted and waited.

Sam sighed, “Look we can check it out at some point but we’re not honeymoon-ing there. How about Atlantis?”

“Going to another place of work does not count as a vacation, Sam, honestly I can’t believe I need to teach you about having fun.”

“You could always ‘honeymoon’ here.” Palomo interrupted, his gaze sliding between the two of them.

“We’ll add it to the list of potential spots.” Sam said without a moments pause. Vala envied her quick thinking, she could have used a partner like that back in the days when she was conning someone. It was a shame she and Sam hadn’t teamed up earlier to do something like this.

“What about Coruscant? Teal’c’s talked about that.”

“That’s from Star Wars.”

“Oh. So not real then?”

“No.” Sam smiled around the rim of her cup as she took another sip. “I thought you’d seen Star Wars with him a few times now.”

“I always tune out the boring parts.” Vala waved her hand in disregard.

“Don’t tell Teal’c that.”

From the corner of her eye Vala could see Palomo angrily grip his fork.

“So, Palomo.” She said letting the conversation field back to him. “Tell us about the parts of your planet that would make a good honeymoon location.”

She only halfway paid attention, letting Palomo talk and control most of the conversation the way it seemed he wanted to.

~~

Night on P3X-1701 was quiet around their quarters they’d been given.

“Hey Sam.” Vala whispered into the night, hopefully not loud enough to wake Sam if she was already asleep.

“Yeah?” Sam asked, a little groggily.

“Thanks for doing this.”

Sam let out a small grunt, “Don’t worry about it, that guy’s a creep.”

“Yeah he is.” Vala agreed. “I really need to pick my targets better.”

“I don’t know if that’s the lesson to take away from this.”

“You’re right. The lesson is that you make a wonderful partner.”

Sam’s laughter was partly muffled by the pillow she was resting on.

Vala grinned into the night.

It was a nice sound.

~~

“I could use your assistance in the marketplace today, Vala Mal Doran.” Teal’c said at breakfast the next morning.

“The usual?” Vala asked.

Teal’c nodded at her. Occasionally someone on the team would have her haggle prices for them, her skillset tended to pay off there.

“Then I’ll be sure to bring my most charming self.”

“Do you have any other selves?” Sam asked from next to her.

“You’d know darling.” Vala returned easily, leaning in to rest her shoulder against Sam’s.

Daniel squinted at both of them.

“What?” Vala asked. Daniel’s squinty eyed look never meant anything good to her.

“You two fell into this easy.” Daniel said after glancing around to make sure they weren’t being listened in on.

“I respect Sam.” Vala replied, pulling apart the bread like pastry she’d taken for breakfast and popping a piece in her mouth. “She’s attractive, fun, and goes along with a lot of my plans unlike somebody I know.” Vala shot Daniel a pointed look.

“Oh.” Sam said and when Vala glanced over she couldn’t help but gleefully notice that Sam’s ears were a little pink. “That’s sweet, thanks Vala.”

“You can repay the compliment any time.” Vala assured her with an easy grin.

“Then I should say I enjoy spending time with you, I’m glad we’ve gotten to do it on this mission even if it’s not how I thought it would go.”

“That’s it?” Vala asked and wondered how many more compliments she could get out of this.

“That’s it, darling.” Sam drawled back and stood up. She leaned down to press a kiss to Vala’s forehead. “Don’t cause too much trouble today.”

“I never cause trouble.” Vala refuted, “It just seems to find me.”

“Right.” Sam said in the same disbelieving tone she’d used yesterday. “See you tonight then.”

Vala waggled her fingers in a wave as Sam left.

Daniel was still staring at her.

“What now?” Vala asked with a sigh.

“Do you want to date Sam?” Daniel asked, blunt as ever with her.

“Well now that you’ve mentioned it yes. I would like to date my fiancé.” Vala sniffed a little haughtily. Something she’d picked up from Qetesh which made her frown internally at the memory of it.

“Vala.”

Vala fidgeted in her seat, “Maybe.” She offered.

She hadn’t been lying before; she hadn’t missed how attractive Sam was or that being around was just easy in a way Vala didn’t often get. She’d been delighted they’d become friends. If the door was open for more well…Vala wasn’t against it.

“I’m too old for this high school drama.” Daniel muttered and stood up to walk out.

“I’m not.” Cameron said, grinning at Vala. “So you’ve got the hots for Sam?”

“I’ve been told that one doesn’t ‘kiss and tell’.” Vala smirked, “But I could be persuaded to talk about it if you’d like to purchase something for me.”

“That only applies if you’re in an actual relationship.”

“But I’ve already been kissing Sam.” Vala scowled, “I wish you earthlings would make up your mind on the order of things.”

“Yeah yeah, noted.”

~~

“Do you think Sam would like this?” Vala asked. She peered at the bracelet in her hands, turning it over. It was a simple thing, a silver band with some blue stones engraved in it that reminded Vala of the colour of Sam’s eyes. Except Sam’s eyes were nicer she’d decided, always had that amused look in them when she was talking to Vala like they were in on a secret together.

Which Vala supposed they technically were right now.

“I believe Colonel Carter is more prone to necklaces.” Teal’c said as he glanced at the object, the corner of his mouth ticking upwards.

“I notice you’ve been rather quiet about this.” Vala said idly and put the bracelet down to peruse the other objects of the vendor.

Teal’c shrugged, that small little smile of his still present.

“I’ll take that as your approval. Now help me find a wedding present, big guy.”

~~

Vala broke off from Teal’c when they reached the prime minister’s grounds, she wanted to put her present for Sam in their room to give to her later that night.

She slipped down the hall, being silent more out of a force of habit from her thieving days than anything else, and nearly yelped when she passed a corner to see Sam and Palomo standing there.

“…a farce.” Palomo was saying. “She gave no indication prior that she was engaged, you showed no indication you were anything when you came through that gate.”

“Military rules, we try not to broadcast our relationships when we meet new people. We’re never certain how they’ll react.” Sam’s voice was chilled in a way Vala wasn’t used to hearing. It was amazing Palomo was still standing facing her when it certainly sounded like she’d rather stab him than be a part of the conversation any longer.

“What if I ask for a trade?”

Even at a distance Vala could see the anger in Sam’s face and winced.

“Absolutely not.” Sam said, ice warmer than her tone now. “Even if I wasn’t engaged to her that wouldn’t be on the table. Vala’s her own person and allowed to decide who she wants to spend time with and while she foolishly picked you the first day we were here she didn’t the days after. Besides,” Sam paused, “I don’t think you’d know what to do with her. She’s a handful.”

“One you’re willing to put up with?”

“I’m not ‘putting up’ with her, she’s important to me.” Sam dismissed Palomo’s words simply and Vala beamed at her though she wasn’t looking.

Palomo hissed something Vala couldn’t hear and whirled to walk away.

“Well,” Vala said loud enough to catch Sam’s attention. She bounded over and threw and arm over Sam’s shoulders. “My hero.”

Sam’s ears were pink again.

“Not even going to pretend you didn’t hear that?” Sam asked with a sigh.

“Absolute not.” Vala echoed Sam’s earlier words. “Tell me again how important I am to you.”

Sam laughed, bright and cheerful in full contrast to her cold attitude only moments ago. “You’re important to me.” She said easily.

“Oh.” Vala stumbled momentarily, not actually expecting that. “You’re uh, you’re important to me to. And here.” She thrust a box towards Sam. “For our engagement.”

“You bought an actual thing for our fake engagement?”

“As a thank you?” Vala tried.

Sam stared.

“It’s…just take it.”

Sam took the box to Vala’s relief and opened it, smiling when she saw the necklace. “You realize I can’t really wear this in combat.”

“Well we’re not always in combat.” Vala shot back and cleared her throat. “There’s other opportunities. I’ve been well informed that dressing up in traditional in Earth dating culture.”

“Is this you asking me out?”

“We are already engaged.” Vala shrugged, trying for nonchalant. “I thought it would be poor etiquette if I didn’t.”

Sam snickered and then to Vala’s surprise leaned in to press a kiss to her cheek. “Ask me again when we’re on Earth.”

“I’ll ask the second we’re through the gate!”

~~

“Come here often?” Vala asked, the gate iris shutting behind them.

Sam broke out into laughter while Daniel groaned and Cameron grumbling shoved a bill towards Teal’c.

“Because if you do I think you deserve a break from this place. I’d say my treat but well…”

“This one’s on me.” Sam said once she stopped laughing. “Come on, I know a place.”

Vala knew her plan wasn’t stupid, maybe it’d gone a little off track and not where she’d planned it but she wasn’t going to argue with the results of where it ended.

[glorifiedgpjfic]

Glorified G - Chapter 46

January 22nd 1992

Over the past few weeks Joanne had had her first few CPT sessions, they seemed to be going well and they helped her to keep the nightmares and flashbacks at bay, she did however still struggle to sleep and the people around her were often victims of her angry outbursts- which Dr Isles had assured her were a side effect of the PTSD. Joanne hadn’t rushed to ask the director to take her out of the field as she was apprehensive about it and she didn’t want to risk losing her job by asking to be moved out of the line of fire, and she certainly didn't want to be sent back to London to go back to Interpol. She hadn’t told Eddie this of course, as far as he knew the wheels were truly in motion for her to be taken out of the field, she felt awful about lying to him but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it, not yet.

Eddie and Jo had spent every free second they had together looking at houses, they’d managed to find three contenders- all were relatively central to both potatohead and the FBI building, meaning that their commute wouldn’t be any longer than it currently was. The house that Jo liked the most had a large gate on the driveway and high walls that she felt would be good considering Pearl Jam were gaining popularity, she’d done a project on celebrity stalkers when she was at university so she was armed with enough evidence to convince Eddie that although it is rare, celebrity stalkers can indeed be violent, for example Mark David Chapman who shot John Lennon in 1980. Having high walls and a gate offered her piece of mind, Eddie hadn’t seemed opposed to it, which was something Jo was grateful for, she didn’t want to have to argue with him on this.

The guilt of hiding the truth from Eddie was starting to get to Jo, so she had asked William to have a meeting with her so she could discuss the prospect of her getting out of the field, she was concerned that this would make her seem weak to her boss and that he might even suggest her transferring out of the office into a full time teaching role, which as much as she loved her teaching experience with John Douglas, she didn’t fancy it full time as she found it rather tedious. She hoped that she would be able to stay exactly where she was just without going out into the field, but she knew that being in the field was a big part of her job description and the only real exception to getting out of being in the field was if you were injured and generally even then that was only a temporary thing. As she took a seat in the director’s office the nerves began to pool in her stomach,

“Good afternoon Agent Taylor, how are you doing?” William asked while making the two of them a cup of coffee,

“I’m doing okay, I’ve been seeing Dr Isles, and I think that it's helping- I’m still struggling to sleep ya know?” William nodded at the young woman in front of him, the truth was he knew exactly how she felt he knew exactly what she’s going through,

“You know, everyone on this team has cases that have stuck with them, mine was one of the first cases I was on-” He paused, a brief look of sorrow graced his features, “There was a serial killer abducting young children, little girls- his type just so happened to look exactly like my daughter, each time we got a report of another girl being taken my mind always assumed it was my baby- it struggled so hard to stay focused on that case. And weeks after we found the guy a part of me still expected him to come back and get my girl, the images of the children he killed stuck with me for years, i used to see Louise’s face ion the faces of those we didn’t save- Dr Isles helped me through that so I know you’re in good hands.” Jo gave him a small smile as he sipped his coffee,

“I uh- I’ve been thinking, is there any chance I can have some time out of the field? I’m not sure how long I’ll need, I just- I’m not as focused as I should be in the field and I’m worried I’m putting everyone at risk.” Jo searched William’s face for a hint as to how he was going to respond, she took a sip of her coffee as he pondered what she was saying for a few moments,

“Do you want to be out permanently?” He asked, Jo shook her head violently,

“No! Just for a little while till I get back on top of things.” He nodded before speaking again,

“Do you mind if I make some calls and see what I can arrange for you?” Jo raised an eyebrow,

“Could I not just consult on cases and do paperwork? I’ve got a stack that will probably take me a while to finish,” The director shook his head,

“Jo, if you do that you’ll be bored out of your mind, I’ll see what I can find you- if there isn’t anything then you can do that.”

“Why are you going out of your way just to make sure I don’t get bored? If you don’t mind me asking, sir.” Jo knew that he didn’t have to find her an alternative to field work, yet for some reason he was making it his duty,

“If I’m honest it’s because you’re one of the best agents I’ve seen in a very long time, and I’d hate for you to leave us when you’re such an asset to this team.” He spoke slowly as though he was pondering the weight of his words, “and I can’t help but feel responsible for what you’re going through, you were right when you said it was me- if I could change it I would believe me-” Jo was quick to silence her boss,

“Sir, I was upset that day and it was all such a shock to me, I promise you I didn’t mean any of what I said- it was out of order for me to say that.” She offered him a small smile as a silent apology,

“I know, but you weren’t out of line I completely understand, and I would’ve been just as upset if I was in your position.”

Jo left William’s office feeling less guilty than when she entered, she was glad he valued her for what she did as much as she loved Eleanor and her colleagues she knew for a fact that her paperwork was always done to the highest standard while they generally rushed to get it done so they could go home, occasionally they asked Joanne to finish for them. She sat at her desk trying to tackle some of the paperwork, but at the same time she didn’t want to start it if she was going to be working on something else for the foreseeable so she decided to sit and stare off into space for a while.

William Webster racked his brain trying to think what he could get Joanne to do, there wasn’t anything in the office that would be a good use of her time, so he decided to give an old friend a call.

After an hour or so of Jo staring into space and trying to busy herself she was summoned into William’s office once again, she took a seat opposite him eagerly waiting for him to tell her what she was going to be doing for the next few weeks or months. He grinned at her as she sat down,

“So, I’ve made some calls, and how would you feel about doing some research for John Douglas? It’s local so you won’t have to move or travel any more than you already do,” Jo nodded before thinking about how she’d felt during the time she had spent teaching alongside Douglas,

“Is it a teaching role?” She questioned and William gave her a smile and shook his head,

“No, I know how dull teaching can be- John is doing some research that I think you might be interested in, I’ve told him you’ll give him a call,” William paused briefly, “He can explain it better than I can.” Joanne gave an awkward smile, she began to ponder what the research could possibly be, was he going to study her and her plethora of trauma?

“I’ll go give him a call now, thank you Sir.”

Eddie was on the phone to Mike discussing a potential song when he heard Jo’s car pull into the driveway, he watched with caution as she seemed to skip to the door - he quickly brought the call to an end, puzzled by his girlfriend’s sudden change in behaviour. He put a pot of coffee on to brew as Jo beamed stating that she had ‘so much’ to tell him, she quickly changed out of her work clothes into some joggers and an old Motley Crue band tee, Eddie handed her a mug of coffee before taking a seat opposite her,

“So? What’s got you in such a good mood?” He asked with a curious smile,

“Well, John Douglas wants me to help him with some of his research! He’s interviewing violent offenders to try and see if they have anything more in common that can be used to help law enforcement when searching for offenders. So, I get to go into prisons and conduct interviews on his behalf, so we can cover more ground between us if that makes sense- I’ll probably be only meeting with a handful of the prisoners, but he wants me to try and build up some sort of rapport with them, ya know? Try and gain their trust and not antagonise them, see if they open up to me. The best bit? I’ll get an acknowledgement when he publishes his findings!” Eddie smiled at Jo’s enthusiasm, it amazed him how she could be so passionate about something that would scare him half to death, he wouldn’t even dream of speaking to one of the monsters that Jo would be interviewing, but that was one big difference between the two of them; Jo tried to see them as more than their crimes, she wanted to understand them, help them. Whereas Eddie saw them as animals, monsters who should be locked up.

Joanne had been briefed by John about how to behave in the prison setting, she knew that they would most likely lie to her about their crimes, and that when they did, rather than calling them out on it in an accusatory manner she should simply state that she’d read the case file, she knew every detail about the case. She knew how vital it was that she’d learnt everything about the cases, so she wouldn’t be shocked or disgusted by anything they told her. He had also informed her that they were more likely to open up if she wasn’t making notes during the interview and that taping the interview could often distract them or prevent that from divulging certain details. She knew all of the theory that would help her for this research, however no amount of studying could prepare her for what she was going to face when she sat down across from serial rapist, Marc O’Leary.

[magiccallie]

Tomb of the Fifth Emperor 3.9k words

   "Did you take my ink?" Asked a smooth faced, reddish skinned, fit young man named Lelei.     "No, I have mine right... oh, sorry." The hand that returned the inkwell was much smaller than Lelei's. It had a sickly hue to its oaky skin that bespoke few meals and little exposure to the sun. The rest of the scholar reflected that assessment, nails bitten to nubs, a scrawny body in an ill-fitting tunic, hunched like a leering gargoyle in their chair, leaning over a set of freshly written pages with curls shadowing the eyes. This was Ross. "Hey, can you listen to my presentation?"     Lelei grimaced, "I don't know. I should really be studying for this astronomy test. Cherrygrove doesn't let you into expeditions on brawn alone you know." "Astronomy is the one class I never hear you complaining about you'll be fine. Come on, I need another set of ears to tell me if there are obvious errors."     Lelei looked at Ross's pleading eyes and sighed. "Fine, go ahead."     Ross cleared their throat and stood straighter. "The Tomb of the Fifth Emporer. We know many details about the life of the fifth emperor of Amar, Haorth Dimassa, but the location of his burial site is yet unknown."     "Oh is that who the fifth Emperor was?"     "You didn't know that?"     "I'm not a history major, I know the first Emperor and the current one."     "Luckily this will go over- no, best to give details now. This isn't part of the presentation. Haorth was born in a time of conquest for the nation. Back then they were still calling themselves kings."     "So why is it the fifth Emperor if he was a king? Wouldn't the first emperor be, you know, the first emperor?"     "Because they are-err-uh...it is a part of how Amar paints its history, and frankly sounds better than the fifth ruler. Anyways. He was the eldest of several children, and heir to the throne. His childhood was mostly unnoteworthy, though his mother died giving birth to his youngest sibling. It is his early adolescence where we start to get any sort of noted history. Records show he spent most of two and a half cycles traveling the lands of Amar, Miburnia, Gef, and Quibalk-"     "Where is Quibal-"     "We are not sure but there are ideas it is now Suintia, but he was traveling with an entourage to learn about the cultures. During this time he met several life long friends, including a Quibalkian by the name of Anju. When he finally came home to Amar to stay he was welcomed and well versed in the other cultures. His father had grown ill in his absence, and it was likely Haorth would take leadership. Of course his siblings were not all happy about that. The third in line for the throne in particular, though he was but four cycles old, had stayed at home and immersed themselves in politics and courtly intrigue. Our being able to see the whole picture lets us assume it was he who had sent numerous assassins after Haorth and he who had begun to poison the fourth Emperor. Perhaps he thought of his brother as easier to deal with, for the Fourth Emperor died not a season after Haorth's return. Thus did Haorth become the Fifth Emperor, and took many lovers, including Anju.     He renewed the war effort on a less violent tone, engaging in diplomacy while strong arming resistance, buying large swathes of territory for cheap honnied words. Meanwhile the second in line died under an ambush while traveling to one of these encounters, and many of his lovers were killed in 'accidents' as well.     In frustration and grief, he began to look inward to strengthen his people and loved ones. He was a mage you s-"     "Woah, the Fifth Emporer was a mage?" Lelei exclaimed.     Ross sighed and looked at the presentation, they would not be getting to that tonight. "Yeah it was not a big thing back then. The hate for magic in the country and world would not emerge until much later, and the Witch Hunters and current- look I'm getting off topic."     "What kind of mage?"     "They did not use the terms we do now, but he lacked the formal training and colleges there are now, but as I was about to explain had more training and outside resources than a shaman, so a warlock would be closest."     "Hold on, how do you know he was a mage at all?"     "Historical texts imply that-"     "Imply? So he might not even be a mage himself?"     "It is widely speculated that he was a mage."     "But you don't know." Lelei seemed to settle back down, Ross in turn took a deep breath, contemplating if it was an argument worth having and noting Lelei was not to be fully trusted.     "So back to the point, when the death-toll began to rise, he piled his time, money, and connections together and some powerful magical tools began to show up in history. He married a Gef princess, but Anju was still showing up every other seasons or so to spend quality time together. The division between Haorth and the third sibling had grown more obvious and public. Sides began to be chosen, and Haorth began to funnel a large amount of his new assets out with Anju.     It was not long before a short bloody war broke out, and in a single season Haorth, his wife, and those loyal to him were wiped out. But here is the problem, his body was never recovered by the Sixth Emperor Daz's forces. Rumors circulated for cycles about his survival, supposed sightings, and his gathering power to rerise. But also at this time, rumors of a large construction project in the Quibalkian lands drew many skilled workers from many countries. The location of it was never disclosed to Amar as a nation, and Anju and the gathered wealth were not found either, so my presentation is on it, its location, and the chances of it being the Tomb of the Fifth Emperor."     Lelei shook his head. "That's crazy. He had a wild life, I hope you're right though. You know what happens if you present an expedition that fails."     "Thank you, I have some back ups to make it not a total loss, but I am certainly nervous." Ross yawned. "I'm heading back to the dorm, I'm way to distracted to work more."     "I'll come with you. Sorry that I did not know about any of that."     "It is alright. If you tried to tell me about astronemy it would have been a roll reversal." ~     The institution of Hightop resides in the southern part of the Red Rock Mountains in the Amar Empire. While it is not known as a place of learning, and indeed does not advertise itself as such, it is known for its mastery and contributions of several arts and sciences. Among these being the study of numerous monsters and beasts, the shaping of certain rare materials into tools, weapons, and armor, and the creation of magical items. These contributions do not stay in the academic field alone, for the military and a secretive society both receive them as well.     It was nestled beside an old mining town on the summit of a mountain and it built like the rest of the town. Square, squat, ugly stone buildings built low into the ground with several stories leading deeper into the stone. Even getting up to it was difficult, with the snow and ice making the steep barren slopes slick. As one might expect the townsfolk and institution workers that resided in such an isolated location were suspisious of outsiders and visitors. The individual Ross was not supposed to be there, had not been expected, and had been taken deep below the surface to wait in a cold cell. They huddled deep in a fur cloak, shivering and watching their breath, thin though it that high up. In their hands was a sealed package of notes and a presentation on a possible location for treasure.  ��  Two individuals in purple robes walked down the carved stone steps and to Ross’s cell. They had the hoods up, masking their identities, but they were both rather tall and wide set. “So, your proposal for an expedition was rejected by your college, so you decided to come to our little expedition house on the hill to try again.” The voice was feminine and condescending. “You are in luck scholar, the Foreman decided to call the heads together to listen.” Gloved hands opened the cell and stood Ross up. “Follow us, stray and you will be thrown back in there. If this goes well we might even let you join.”     “We don’t have as extensive a library as Cherrygrove, but I’m sure there will be plenty enough.” They strode down a maze of interconnected tunnels, ignoring dozens of side rooms. From all around was the semi-rythmic echoed sound of digging, hammering, talking, and grunts of hard labor. Finally they came to a dark wood door. The carving above it indicated it as a meeting room. “There we are. Step inside and good luck.” She opened the door and shoved Ross in. ~     A week later Ross found themselves riding north with two expedition members from Hightop, and a small caravan entourage of cages, feed, rations, wagon drivers, animal keepers, and other such forgettable things necessary to large undertakings. Suintia, the nation where their site was supposedly located, had a myriad of large ancient beasts and monsters, dangerous creatures that would be useful in a variety of ways to Hightop. To that end, they had sent a Wizard named Devod as their occult consultant and monster wrangler. Devod was of average height, had dirty blonde hair, was the color of a peach, and wore glasses. His team of wranglers and handlers seemed to respect him, but he was reluctant to do any work unrelated to the capturing of monsters.     In contrast their navigator Patter Bigprice was doing the work of three. Scouting ahead, cheaking and updating their map with Ross, and helping set up camp and with cooking. He was a short man of Ira ancestry, and sneaky and quick as a hare, but one could not go half a day before catching a glimpse of him.     While Ross was technically the head of the expedition, and the one they turned to for final decisions, the other two members each seemed to lead their own duties and groups without guidance. That suited the scholar just fine for the most part. Just as each of the official Hightop members had been given special equipment that they had not, so to had they not been given a responsibility in the daily affairs of travel and exploration. It gave Ross more time to study and double check their work. By the time they had entered what they were sure was former Quibalk they had fourteen days of supplies with which to explore before they would need to turn back.     Not much of the Quibalkan’s wooden forts would still remain, but the large burial mound they predicted would have the remains and ancient King’s lost wealth would be. Ross had hoped it would be simple to see given the relative lack of elevation variation but it was not to be. The further North they had ridden the trees around them had grown taller and thicker, until they were passing under almost constant shade and the trunks were wide as Patter laying down. Rumors from locals warned this part of the forest would be haunted, they had not seen any ghosts yet but there were several large animal tracks which had caught Devod’s interest.     Lacking firm direction besides vaguely northward, Ross felt no reason to not follow one of the tracks. Devod and Patter chose one they said should be a large hooved quadruped, and began to lead the way. Patter had a crossbow ready as he walked, even as he would check the small navigational tool the Hightoppers called a ‘compass’. At his side, tightly wound, was a length of rope tied to an odd hook made of the strange meteor stone Hightop used for some of its more valued creations. Devod by contrast, was not hunting with a weapon. He had a small whistle and that was it.    The rest of them trailed behind almost out of sight until they stopped and set up camp for the night. Though they had said it would be the next day before they found the beast Devod was jumpy at the campfire. Even without the many odd noises they had slowly grown accustomed to in their travel, he would look at the trees around them and start or shudder. Finally Ross asked, “what are you so afraid of?”    Devod gave them a hard calculating look, then said, “We are not alone, and I am trying not to let the incorporeal distract me from the possible real threats.” The other’s scowled, but Ross only nodded, “Let us know if something we should worry about happens.”    That night it was hard to sleep, but even when Ross finally did they were woken up by the slow, distinct sound of wood creaking and cracking, and it was getting closer. Not close enough to raise an alarm, but Ross didn’t get back to sleep either.    The next day they caught up to the beast and had their first taste of what to expect from the creatures of the realm. It was as tall as Ross, and indeed a quadruped. Thick brown fur covered it, and it looked almost like a particularly talented child had attempted to draw an elk. It was oddly lumpy, and thick, its face bulbous and long, and its antlers were cupped and almost hand shaped. It began to attack the minuet it got scent of them, but Devod quickly stepped in. With a gesture of haughty dismissal and an incantation in another language he wove a spell. Purple, glittering trails of smoke circled the charging beast’s eyes and around its limbs. The incantation continued, and the beast’s eyes closed, its charge becoming a stumble as momentum carried it to their feet. Devod broke the incantation for a moment to use his whistle, then stood concentrating. His crew came swiftly and placed it in a cage.    Finally the wizard was able to stop, and slumped down with a yawn. “Considering how quickly it defended itself it is probably an herbivore. Gather some local plants to make sure it has some feed.” Another yawn. “Being so amazing is exhausting, I think I’m going to nap.” He went to his wagon, got on, and promptly dosed off.    “So…which direction are you thinking now?”    “Are those more tracks?”    “Yes, looks like another beast like this one leading north.”    “Let us follow them then, how close do you suppose it might be?”    “We’ll catch up with it by tomorrow.”    “Good, with no sign of hill nor ruins that is our best bet.”    They went on for a time, but that night while around the campfires Patter heard a rustling of branches nearby. In a flash his crossbow was ready, and his eyes scanned the darkness before freezing. With his eyes narrowed he gestured with his head for Ross to look. There was something in the shadows, clinging to the upper part of one of the trees with one hand. It was hard to make out a shape, but it had two eyes that reflected the fire’s light, staring at them.    “Should we wake Devod to capture it?” Ross whispered.    “He won’t be able to pull a trick like that again until tomorrow.”    “Well set a watch to keep an eye on it.”    “Oh I will. Dealt with these plenty of times.” Patter spoke so plainly and with such confidence Ross was inclined to believe him.    Shaking their head they went to work on the map before sleep. That night the sound of creaking and breaking wood returned. They stared into the dark, no longer seeing the creature only the trees. They swore they almost saw floating dead people in the gloom, ghosts staring at them. They shuddered, and closed their eyes, telling themself it was just a trick of their eyes. Morning was a welcome sight despite their lack of sleep. The sound from that night had not stopped, and the expedition decided a packing quickly would be smart. While they worked, an eerie moaning howl of a noise, and a bellowing grunt of a scream cut short filled the air, chilling their blood more than the frigid dawn air. Still lacking further leads, they followed the tracks. The animals of the expedition were increasingly nervous, and that energy extended to the human members as well. Ross kept seeing long dead faces in the corner of their vision, darting shadows, and cold spots seemed to follow them. Once again Devod and Patter where keeping ahead of the group, and around midday Patter signaled the expedition to stop and slunk back wide eyed.    “It’s the thing from last night, looks like it killed and is eating another beast like we have in the cage. Looks slightly injured but dangerous, Devod is going to work his sleep spell while we minimize out chances of startling it. This thing will make the expedition worth it for sure. We-“    “Patter.” Ross interrupted, an uneasy feeling growing as they considered their situation. “If that thing from last night is there what do you think is making that noise?”     Devod’s whistle blew, then they heard him yell. Stumbling back towards the wagons he was motioning them to turn. “We need to move we need to run go!” Behind him were dozens of the ghosts floating about, almost mist like. Then it seemed as if the forest was moving. No, not the whole forest, but a singular giant tree. They were already moving away from it, but Ross tried to get a good look. The spirits seemed to stay near it, and some even swirled around it. It walked on two long thick limbs its bark had an almost fur like quality at parts, it had two arms that grew from the piney trunk, ending in claw like things one might generously describe as hands. They could not make out a face, but it seemed to know where they were and walked slow and steady their way.    “We should turn back.” Devod explained.”    “The expedition will be a failure.” Patter replied.    “My magic isn’t going to stop that thing. We have no direction, we need to cut our losses before lives are part of them.”    “We stay.” Ross put in. “Turn right and keep moving. This is my only chance. A creature like that, the ghosts, I think this is the defense the Quibalkans left the tomb.”    “But we still don’t know where it is.”    “We are explorers not go check on the thing we know the exact location of-ers.”    They were already moving deeper. Ross was unsure of what they had heard about them, but despite Devod’s reluctance no further argument was given. They had after all, been desperate and sure enough about this expedition to defect to Hightop, what else that desperation might drive them to do was best left untested. Their pursuer was not particularly fast, but it was relentless. Every stop, rest, and obstacle brought it closer again.    Eventually it was dark, the expedition and its animals were all tired and scared. Finally Patter saw an incline devoid of trees. They went round the mound until they found what seemed to be a large stone entrance and Ross ordered a great fire to be built. While the panicked group worked on that and making camp, Ross turned their attention to the stone. It was a door, covered in ornate design and with an inscription on top. Silently they wished they could trace it for future works, bu the sound of the tree thing was getting even closer. They pushed and shoved the door to no effect then scowled at it. “It is just too heavy, or does it need something. If only I could translate this, maybe… hey Devod.”    “Yeah boss?”    “Come here, see if you can get this door to react to you.”    “Better than moving logs I suppose.” The Wizard grumbled, coming to stand next to them. “What do you want me to do?”    “Try to push it with me, maybe try to put some magic energy in it.”    “That…isn’t how that works. But okay.” They pushed, and the door seemed to shudder, then give way. Inside the mound was cold musty air and shadow. Ross grabbed a torch and the pair went in while Patter prepped outside. It was huge inside, the floor sloped slowly downward so when they entered the main chamber it was cavernous. Gold, jewels, and stranger things glimmered in the dark, and Devod had to close his eyed so many magical things were around them.    “Go back out, anyone who isn't building the fire needs to come and gather this.” Ross ordered. Devod made a face but went back out, and the light of Ross’s torch fell upon a rectangle of a sarcophagus. Kneeling next to it, half on top of it in a position of grief, was a single skeleton. They cautiously moved towards it, scanning the stone while watching for movement. Finally with a sigh of relief they saw the name Haorth Dimassa written in the language of old Amar. “This is it. This is the tomb.” They whispered breathlessly.”    “It’s here! Are you planning on setting it and the whole forest on fire?” Pattern called from outside. Mind racing, Ross made another tough choice. Around the worked Devod had brought in had bags but looked ready to break. “Grab what you can we need to go. He’s right the fire would cause more trouble than help.” The expedition members nodded and scrambled to grab the riches around them before rushing back out. Ross pocketed a ring that tingled in their hand and was first out.    They saw Patter dodging the creature. The entourage was throwing spears at it, but it seemed whatever he had done had earned it’s full attention, or had until Ross had emerged. The tree thing turned to Ross and the ghosts crowded around them. Pattern used the rope and hook he carried to latch on to one of its legs, pulling as it began to step with the other one. It did not move, but seeing his intent others joined him. They pulled as one and the thing tumbled into the fire with a horrifying scream. The fire spread quickly even as it stood, cracking and popping as the smell of burnt fur and smoke filled the air. It tried to reach those exiting the tomb, but began to collapse in on itself until it was still. The ghosts stared a moment, then all rushed into the woods.    “Let’s hurry and gather the rest of this up. I don’t like that they didn’t fade away.” Devod suggested.    “Right. Good work all. Gather up, pack up, hopefully we have a few hours to give the animals rest before we move again. The sooner we leave these woods the better. ~    Something different than the tree had indeed come for them two days later, those who caught a glimpse of it claimed it was an oddly chimeric looking beast that stank of rotten meat and blood. Luckily once they left that part of the woods it stopped perusing them. They dealt with bandits and weather, but in the end they returned successful and Ross was given their membership.

[shuttershocky]

“Report.”

“Emiya-kun has very little ability at all. He can’t fix broken glass and he can barely use reinforcement on an item without shattering it. Kiritsugu Emiya did not teach him any more than simply activating his circuits, and he has no knowledge about what magic crests are at all. His power is so weak I can’t even sense him tripping the bounded field I placed over the school. If you ask me, he doesn’t even count as a magus.”

“Understood. Anything else?”

“Um! S-Senpai is very independent. Even if Fujimura-san comes over every day to keep him company, he lives by himself and does all the maintenance work in his home. He has an understanding of technology that far outstrips mine and Nee-san’s, and is able to grasp the inner workings of a machine after sending a trace spell through it. I searched around and the liquor store near his house also pays him for helping out in the back of their shops, although officially it’s all off any record books. The land his house is on is owned by the local yakuza family whom Fujimura-san is a part of, so they pay for all the taxes and pretend to be the homeowners. I don’t think anyone realizes Senpai is living alone as an orphan without any legitimate legal guardian, although once Fujimura-san gets a job as a teacher I think she will adopt him. And... And his cooking is very good!”

“Oh. Wow. You could learn a thing or two from this kid, Kokutou.”

“Learn from who? The Emiya boy? Or Sakura using the investigative skills that I taught her?”

“Yeah get your little victories in when you can get them, you nerd, because I teach these girls how to shoot lightning from their fingers.”

It was a late night at The Hollow Shrine, Touko Aozaki’s detective agency. 12 and 13-year-old Sakura Matou and Rin Tohsaka had just returned from a battle to the death with a shapeshifting monster inside the Emiya manor (another story for another time!) The big boss herself had asked the two girls to give their assessment of Shirou Emiya’s abilities and living status, while Mikiya Kokutou slaved away in an adjacent table, taking notes, updating their records, and doing their accounting, all at once.

Touko took the opportunity to glance at her first apprentice. Kokutou looked like he would finish and return home soon. Shiki was fast asleep on the office sofa, and the two new parents had left Fujino and Azaka to care for baby Mana. It’s not that they didn’t trust Azaka and Fujino with their baby, but- No wait yeah Kokutou and Ryougi would have to be insane to trust the agents of the Hollow Shrine to care for a baby.

Just look at how the agency turned two kids into assets.

“Excellent work, girls.” Touko said, “You may go to bed now.”

Rin and Sakura didn’t move.

“We were wondering, Mo- uh, Touko-san. What are you so interested in Senpai for?” Sakura said.

Touko raised an eyebrow. Sakura didn’t call her ‘Mom’ around earshot of her older sister, likely out of respect for their recently deceased biological mother. Sakura herself didn’t appear to hold too many feelings toward their mother, (being given away would do that, Touko supposed) but it had clearly still been a sore point for Rin. Touko didn’t mind for the most part. Being called ‘Mom’ wasn’t bad, but it never felt natural to her. Maybe she didn’t feel as if she deserved it? She didn’t dare explore why.

Touko pushed up her glasses. Kokutou was being uncharacteristically quiet. It looked like she was going to have to explain this one herself.

“The last time that boy was here I sent a trace over his magic circuits and you know what I find? Possibly the plainest configuration I’ve ever seen. Basic, low-quality circuits that would barely be able to muster a stable flow of energy.”

She paused, enjoying the look of confusion over the girl’s faces.

“And then I felt a trace pass over my own magic circuits, and it felt a lot like the one I just sent at him. I block it of course, but I send a second trace over his body just to be sure if he was as weak as he looked. The information I got back was completely different. It was an imperfect job, and of poor quality, but suddenly his magic circuits looked a lot like mine.”

Rin’s jaw dropped, but Sakura continued to look confused. Touko tsked mentally, it looked like the worthless Matou hadn’t even tried to teach her anything at all.

“I believe,” she continued. “Shirou Emiya has some sort of copycat ability attached to his vision. He did not appear to be doing anything consciously, but his eyes were on my hands when I sent a pulse through him. I’m not sure to what extent his copy ability goes nor how closely his ability can recreate an original, but I do know that in all my years as a Clocktower mage I have never seen a magus able to alter the configuration of their magic circuits through their own power. Imagine what a mage could do with such an ability. They might even be able to make projection magic useful, if they can copy more than just an item’s basic form.”

“Wow!” Sakura said, her eyes aglow. “Senpai really is an amazing person!”

If Rin was impressed, she was hiding it. She continued to stare at her with a hard look in her eye.

“But what do you need him for, Touko-san?”

“What? Getting tired of visiting Emiya? I thought you two rather liked him, seeing as you just tried to convince me to leave him alone.”

Rin and Sakura glanced in opposite directions, red staining their cheeks.

“Please answer the question, Touko-san,” Rin muttered.

Touko glanced at Kokutou, who was hunched over a new pile of paperwork. He was really gonna leave her to do all the talking this time huh?

She removed her glasses with a sigh.

“Sakura, go to bed. I need to have a talk with your sister about some things that may be upsetting.”

The younger Tohsaka (were... were they Aozakis now?) looked as if she wanted to protest, but nevertheless bowed and scurried off into the former storage room where she and her sister slept, shutting the door behind her. Shiki groaned a little from the noise, but continued to snore peacefully after.

“Rin,” Touko said, “The Matou did more than just buy your sister. I found Zouken Matou’s crest worms inside her body, including several that had been infesting her for years, altering her magical circuits and feeding on her energy.”

Rin looked like she couldn’t breathe. “W-What?”

“That’s not all. Zouken inserted what I can only guess to be the physical fragments of the 4th holy Grail into her womb, whatever for we’ll never know what with Azaka lighting him up like a firework, but she could potentially pose an extreme danger to herself and others. I destroyed the crest worms just fine, but I know nothing about the thaumaturgy behind the holy grail, and I doubt just surgically removing the fragments would be safe for Sakura with how much her body’s been changed to survive with that thing inside her.”

“S-So what do you need Emiya-kun for?” Rin asked, her hands balling up into fists and shaking lightly.

“I need him to craft me this.”

Touko clapped her fingers, sending a tome flying from the shelves and into Rin’s hands. It opened on a set of pages depicting a strange weapon.

“Rulebreaker, a dagger owned by the ancient Greek witch, Medea. It could be used to nullify even very powerful and complex magic, but was lost forever when Medea fled to Iran. Now if Emiya could make me even a partially working forgery, I could learn how Rulebreaker nullifies any and every form of thaumaturgy, including the latent power in a shattered grail, and remove the fragments safely. Also, who knows? Sakura’s body may be greatly altered, but the changes left her with heavy scarring inside. Scarring I can use as a changelog. If I could learn how the boy’s changing circuits work, I may be able to return her body to how she used to be.”

Rin stared at the floor, contemplating everything she just heard.

“Is this really the only way, Touko-san?”

“Oh no. I could have made Sakura a puppet body ages ago, but Kokutou kept whining about how ‘Horribly unethical’ and ‘Overwhelmingly traumatic’ the transfer process would be.

“It is horribly and unethical and it would be overwhelmingly traumatic,” Kokutou muttered, not looking up from his mountain of work.

“Don’t listen to this guy, Rin. He has no idea what he’s talking about. I crush Sakura’s current head just like that,” Touko snapped her fingers, “And she’ll instantly open her eyes in her new body. No pain, no trauma, she won’t even realize it happened.”

“That's... That’s a cruel joke Touko-san.” Rin whispered. “Sakura has had enough and transferring a soul without the use of True Magic is impossible.”

“Only if the soul can tell which of the bodies is its proper one,” Touko said, hands thumbing an unopened pack of cigarettes. “Don’t underestimate me kid.”

Rin stood quiet again, as Touko idly daydreamed of everyone leaving so she could smoke by the window.

“Wait,” Rin said at last, “What’s in it for you? I know the Clocktower magi. You wouldn’t be doing this for Sakura if you weren’t going to get something out of it.”

Touko’s eyes widened for a brief moment before she resumed her cool gaze.

“Good question. Let’s just say a talent like Emiya’s could prove very useful to this agency in the future. Sakura and I both have plenty to gain if we can help that boy develop his powers and come do some work for us. But that will have to be another time. It’s very late Rin, you should go to bed.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Rin turned back slowly and plodded off to their room with plenty to think about.

The office was quiet again save for the sounds of Kokutou’s pen scratching on paper, and Shiki snoozing away.

Touko propped up her face with a hand. That Rin was a sharp one. She ought to be more on her guard when they talked-

“Oh my God. You actually don’t have an ulterior motive in mind, do you?”

“What?”

Touko snapped out of a daydream, glancing over at Mikiya Kokutou. He was peering at her over his glasses, a tiny smile on his face.

“I saw that. She got you by surprise there. You actually didn’t think of using Emiya for anything other than for Sakura huh?”

Touko felt the heat rise to her face. Must be an extremely rare mistake she made when she built this current body.

“Don’t be stupid, Kokutou. A unique ability like that? Why that Emiya boy will serve all sorts of nefarious purposes.”

“Name one you have in mind, right now.”

“I’ll, er, make him project the spear of destiny and use it to summon heroic spirit Jesus or whatever!”

“I knew it,” stupid Mikiya said, face splitting into an ugly grin. He already had a missing eye he didn’t need to make himself look worse. ”Touko Aozaki, are you thinking about the welfare of another human being?”

“Ugh, shut up and work Kokutou. Don’t you have a baby to go home to? How’d you even get her anyway Azaka told me all that’s in Shiki’s apartment is a puny bed and a mini-fridge and you’re stuck sleeping on the floor. What? You two made do with a wall?”

It was Kokutou’s turn to flush. Not that Touko flushed earlier; she never got flustered. 

“Th-That’s private!” he stammered.

“Very private!” interjected the supposedly napping Shiki.

“Hmph. Well, I know you’re just deflecting anyway Touko-san.” Kokutou said. “It’s good to know there’s still a heart in there somewhere.”

“What? Fuck no, this right here is a 100% intellect-driven machine.” Touko flared, pointing at herself. “I don’t even put fake physical hearts into these bodies anymore I just stuff a pump in there and call it a day.”

“Mhmm. Sure.”

“Okay, you know what?” Touko said, throwing a white envelope at him. “Get your early paycheck. Now go! Shoo! Both of you! You can finish that tomorrow. Go be with your kid. Hell, buy some booze. Make a second kid in the shower or something I don’t know.”

“Alright, alright.” Kokutou said, getting up from his desk. Shiki rolled off the sofa like a cat too lazy to push itself off with its legs. 

“Finally,” she said, “There was so much talking I thought I’d fall asleep on that crappy sofa for real.” 

“Goodnight, you two.”

Shiki and Mikiya walked over to the exit, but someone wasn’t done just yet.

“Summon Jesus? Really?”

“OUT!”

When the two had left, Touko leaned into her seat with a long sigh. She felt like opening the window and finally having her smoke, but something kept nagging at the back of her mind.

Instead, she walked on over to the girls’ room. The two were sound asleep, silent and unmoving in their cheap futons.

“You heard all that huh?”

Sakura shot upwards.

“How did you-”

“You snore like the devil kiddo. So does Rin, except she kicks too.”

Rin got up as well. Both girls looked at Touko, a waterfall of questions behind their eyes.

“Okay out with it. I suppose Rin would have told you as soon as she knew anyway.”

Sakura looked down on her fumbling hands, trying to piece together the words with her fingers.

“Am I really dangerous?”

Touko crouched down to meet the little girl at eye level. With the moonlight spilling in through an open window, Sakura kind of looked like Fujino the night the Hollow Shrine first met her, afraid and so horribly alone.

“Kid, I am the greatest mage to have ever come out of the Association, notcountingcheatinglittlebitcheslikeAoko. You don’t have to be afraid of anything. Okay, maybe be afraid of some things related to our line of work, but not the grail, not the crest worms, not the Matou, not the Tohsaka, not even the Magus Association itself. Not now and not ever. No one can touch you when you’re with me.”

Touko Aozaki had no idea what she was saying, nor why the words just seemed to tumble out her mouth by themselves. It’s just that... She knew what it was like to be thrown out of a family in favor of a sister. She had lived most of her life on her own, half of it on the run, anyone and everyone out to get her, nobody she could trust but herself.

Maybe she was just saying everything she wanted to hear back then.

Sakura said nothing, but she buried her face in Touko’s chest, and wrapped her arms around her.

“O-Oh. D-Didn’t take you for a hugger.”

Touko glanced at Rin, who had her hands locked behind her, with eyes as red as her dress, rocking back and forth on her futon.

She reached out to the other girl.

“Okay okay come here.”

Rin didn’t sob as much as she bawled into Touko’s shirt. The old mage was surprised for the nth time that night.

“Oh. Didn’t take you for a crier.”

She held them there for what felt like forever, but really was probably closer to about ten or so seconds.

“You know what?” Touko said, looking at them both, “ I can’t sleep either. I’ve got popcorn somewhere on the shelves and a brand new tv just came in. Why don’t we watch a few movies on the couch?”

“Um, c-can they be heroic movies?” Sakura asked. “With a brave, dashing hero giving their all against the world? Shinji never let me see anything except for.. For...”

Touko squeezed her a little tighter.

“You know what? I have the perfect thing for us to watch. Just don’t tell Kokutou, He’ll launch into some two-hour lecture about what is and what isn’t age-appropriate.”

____________________________________________________________

Mikiya Kokutou stepped into the office at 6 in the morning of the very next day.

His boss was always awake by then, mumbling something or other about him preparing the coffee while she read the morning paper with halfhearted interest. Today however, his boss was fast asleep on the couch, Rin and Sakura huddled under her arms and popcorn all over the floor. A movie was playing on the television, with a woman in what looked like a forklift crossed with battle armor walking towards the screen.

“Get away from her you bitch!” she snarled.

Mikiya flinched. He was going to have to talk to Touko about showing the kids more age-appropriate movies. For now though, he was content to smile at the beautiful mess in their office.

“We’ll carve a heart into you yet, Touko,” he whispered.

Mikiya glanced again at the movie. Was that a new TV? How did the office even afford one when... When...

He pulled out and tore open the white envelope his boss had tossed him the night before.

Pay you double and a half next month, I promise!

- T

“OH COME ON!”

[marvelousbirthdays]

Happy Birthday, probablyunnecessary!

July 5 - Loki/Leo Fitz & the prompt “This is mine. Are we clear?” pretty please :D Fluff, all the fluff, no smut please, for @probablyunnecessary

Written by @celiaequus

Loki wasn’t ready to take over Asgard yet.  He knew Thor was still nearby, somewhere in London, although no doubt steering clear of Greenwich.  But Loki had no reason to avoid the area where the fight against the Dark Elves had taken place.

“Sir, you should stay clear of this area.”

Loki spun around, touching his dark glasses to ensure that his disguise was in place.  He looked over the young male Midgardian who’d spoken his soul words.  He only discovered that his soulmark was in a human language when he visited Midgard.  He learnt enough of the language to read his soulmark and say something unique in reply.

“Do you really desire me to leave?” he asked casually, tilting his head.

The young man’s jaw dropped.

“You’re my soulmate?”

“So it seems,” Loki said, returning to All-Speak.  His soulmate would not notice the difference.

“I’m Fitz.  Uh, Leo Fitz.  Everyone calls me Fitz.  I’m an agent of SHIELD.”

“A field agent?”

“No.  An engineer.  W-what’s your name?  I need a name to tell my mother.”  He smiled nervously.  “She’ll want to meet you.”

“I have no parents,” Loki said.

“Oh.  I’m sorry.”

“Think nothing of it.”

“So, uh…  For your own safety, you really do need to keep back.  There was a battle here, and we’re making sure that civilians don’t get their hands on any alien tech lying around.”

“I would be immune to such dangers,” Loki said, removing his sunglasses and shaking out his hair.  “I am Prince Loki.”

His soulmate’s eyes widened.  Loki smirked.

“Y-you… you t-tried to take over the world!”

“If I had succeeded, we may never have met.”  Loki grasped his soulmate’s hand and kissed the back of it.  Fitz’s cheeks darkened. “It seems I will have to change my plans.  A pity, but I would only do so for my soulmate.  You are far more important to me than any throne.”

Fitz half-smiled, before trying to school his expression.  Loki found it equal parts endearing and amusing.  He gently rubbed the back of Fitz’s hand with his thumb, barely resisting the temptation to run his fingers through hi soulmate’s curls.

“Unless you wish to return to Asgard with me?” he offered.  “Thor will no doubt be annoyed that I faked my death again, but he will come to terms with it.”

“Uh… well, I enjoy my work.  An’ I can’t go anywhere without Simmons.  She’s my best friend.”

“You won’t even leave them for me?” Loki said, pouting.

“You tried to take over the world.  How do I know you won’t try the same thing again?”

“You could try trusting me.”

He bent his head and brushed his lips against his soulmate’s.  Fitz gaspd sharply but he pressed back.  Loki crossed his arms behind Fitz’s back and pressed against him.

“Fitz?  What are you doing?”

They had to pull apart.  A young woman stood nearby, gaping as she stared at them.  Agent Coulson approached, stopping in his tracks when he looked up from his phone and saw Loki.  He paled and stepped back.

“It seems neither of us were ready to die yet,” Loki said.

“Fitz, step away from him,” Coulson said steadily.

“It’s alright, sir,” Fitz began.

“He’s a mass murderer!”

“He’s my soulmate,” Fitz said, pushing Loki behind him and shielding him from the others.  “He’d be a expert on alien technology. He could be an asset for SHIELD. Have you forgotten how many people Hawkeye and the Black Widow killed before you recruited them?”

“Fitz--”

“I know he hurt you, but you’re alive, and I’m not letting him go.”

“You don’t know him, Fitz,” the woman said.

“I’m going to get to know him, Simmons.  Either I go with him or he stays with us.  Please.  Give him a chance.”

“I will do whatever Fitz asks me to do,” Loki said, winding his arms around Fitz’s torso and linking his fingers together over his stomach.  “And I promise not to harm or control any of your people, especially his friends.”  He nuzzled behind Fitz’s ear.  Fitz relaxed further in his arms.

“He can work in the lab with us,” he said.  “Please, sir.”

Coulson glanced between Fitz and Simmons and Loki.  Finally, his shoulders sagged.

“Don’t make me regret this,” he said.

“You will not,” Loki insisted.

“Thank you, sir,” Fitz said.

Loki noticed Simmons watching them wistfully.  Was she wishing for her own soulmate, or was she jealous?  He tightened his grip around Fitz and met her eyes.

“This is mine,” he projected into her mind.  She gasped softly.  “Are we clear?”

She nodded almost imperceptibly and returned to the building wreckage.  Fitz craned his head around to look at Loki.

“Do you know much about alien technology, by any chance?” he said.

“Of course.  And I look forward to seeing you work.”

He needed to spend as much time in the lab as he possibly could.  He needed to make his claim obvious to everyone.

He had found his soulmate and he was going to keep him forever.

[cecilspeaks]

Episode 104 - The Hierarchy of Angels

I know you are, but what am I? What am I? What am I?

What. Am. I?

Welcome to Night Vale.

I should start today with something happy. In his speech yesterday honoring the life of Old Woman Josie, Larry Leroy out on the edge of town, and Josie’s closest neighbor, told a story about his pickup breaking down a few years ago. Josie had stopped on the roadside to help him push the old Chevy the mile or so to his house. In the last few hundred feet, the truck picked up momentum on the sloped road, and it rolled out of their control into a large cactus. They heard a surprised yelp, and saw Telly the Barber wide-eyed and sweating, holding a pair of shears. Josie and Larry laughed and laughed. Even the surprised Telly laughed. Larry then asked Telly why he was cutting that cactus’ hair. Telly gulped and ran away, still laughing and sweating profusely.

Larry told the gathered mourners that he didn’t have many friends in town, but Old Woman Josie was always kind to him. Always a smile, always happy to help. Always good for a giggle when she caught Telly giving cacti haircuts.

 The services were beautiful, you know that. You were all there. We were all there. I know I said gathered mourners but in a way, we were gathered celebrants, extolling the great life of a great woman, now gone. Today is the scattering of her ashes and the city is working to fulfil Josie’s wishes. They are joined in this endeavour by several beings claiming to be angels. The city is trying to ignore the angels’ request to help because it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels, so… we’ll see how this goes.

The dozens of five-headed dragons, who came to our world after the botched, yet partially successful execution of fellow dragon Hiram McDaniels, are still in town. Hiram’s sister, Hadassah, had promised vengeance for the wrongful murder of Hiram’s violet head. But after several weeks of setting fire to local businesses, and devouring a few of the more muscular human citizens, the dragons have gone mostly silent. Their aggression’s now limited to some blatant jaywalking and loitering. There has been one report of an unidentified five-headed dragon hurling a crumpled Fresca can basketball-style at a trash bin, missing the trash bin wildly, and then picking the soda can up and gently tossing it into the bin, only to have it clumsily fall out and back onto the ground. Onlookers were shocked to see that the dragon did not even attempt a third put-back, and the can is still lying on the ground this very moment. The can is still. On the ground. Mayor Cardinal has called on the Sheriff for stricter enforcement of minor offenses, so they do not escalate into more sinister crimes. Plus, she added, if we do not clean litter from our curbs, the street cleaners might show up, and we simply cannot afford the loss of innocent lives that would cause. More on this as it develops.

Josie’s daughter Alondra Ortiz, who came to town last year to be with her ailing mother until Josie passed away, is now sorting through Josie’s estate and documents. Alondra said she found no will in Josie’s files, only a piece of paper that said: “It all belongs to the angels.” But Alondra noted the handwriting was written shakily in thick Magic Marker, and every word but “it” and “the” was misspelled. She believes the beings who claim to be angels wrote this, not her mother. The angels responded, “nuh-uh”, and then nervously wiped their brows with clearly ink-stained hands. Alondra hired in an estate lawyer to help sort out liquidation of her mother’s assets. Alondra said she just wants to be done with all this and go back home. When asked where home was, Alondra responded, “I don’t remember. Why can’t I remember? That’s not important, I mean it’s super-important but not to this discussion. Oh god, what is wrong with me, with this town?” A single-engine plane then flew across the horizon behind her, trailing a banner that read, “Ooooh! I found some teeth!”

Listeners, some of you have asked about our intern, Kareem. He’s been at the station for so long, about 16 months, much longer than any other intern in recent memory. Well, I’m sorry to report he’s no longer with us. He was a good intern and he will be missed. Kareem changed majors from communications to Earth sciences and no longer needs this radio internship. He is taking classes with Professor Simone Rigideau at Night Vale Community College. Simone is not actually employed by NVCC, and in one of Kareem’s last journalistic endeavours here at the station, he even found a copy of her death certificate, dated 1983, although she does not show any signs of being a ghost. But apparently her knowledge of Earth sciences intrigued Kareem enough that he wanted to change career trajectories. Kareem told me on his last day, which was today, like five minutes before I started my broadcast is when I find out about this. He told me Simone knows what happened to Night Vale, why Kareem’s family doesn’t know him anymore, and why he can’t find Mitchigan, or whatever is home state is, on a map. I’m just happy Kareem is pursuing his dreams, even if he’s gonna lose alll those journalism credits! And today’s filing will have to be done by an overworked radio host before he gets to go home to his husband. Gonna be a looong path to that degree, Kareem! I’m sure you’ll do great. 

Listeners, I’d like to caution you away from driving near downtown. Road crews have shut down all streets in all directions, as a construction team is building a series of elaborate rollercoasters and amusement park rides, many of which do dives and loops around, under, and through the surrounding buildings and even roads. It’s complete gridlock all over downtown, with cars unable to drive into or out of the jam. On the plus side, there’s a pretty cool looking Aquaman ride that does a double-twisting loop through a large pool of water that is elevated more than 50 feet off the ground. Mayor Cardinal is on the scene arguing with the construction team about their lack of development permits. The construction crew, who are all tall glowing beings with wings, showed the Mayor a piece of paper that said, “This is all totally fine, Josie said we can build this, OK? Signed, City”, written in a Magic Marker and nearly every word misspelled.

Allondra Ortiz’ lawyer, Emilio Tavarez, filed an injunction to halt the work, saying that the funds used toward the construction of these rollercoasters were part of Josie’s estate, and were being misappropriated by the so-called angels. There is no documentation showing Josie wished her money to be spent this way, Tavarez explained. The construction team then mumbled, “A dummy says what?” And Tavarez said, “What?” and they all laughed, including the Mayor who then added, “Yeah but yeah seriously, you need building permits, even if you are fulfilling the elaborate wishes of the deceased.” We’ll have more on this soon, but first, a quick break.

Hi, this is Cecil. Leave a message! 

Steve Carlsberg: Hello, Cecil? It’s Steve. OK, I’m not sure if you’re there or not. Last few times I called, you said to leave a message at the tone, and then halfway into my message you interrupted me and said, [Cecil impersonation] “Ha ha, Steve. You fell for it again.” So I’m just making sure you’re actually there this time. I have something I wanted to tell you so you could report it on your show. Are you there, Cecil? I don’t wanna fall for your trick again.

OK. Well. I was getting some coffee over at the Spiky Hammer, and I held the door for this woman I didn’t recognize. She just stared at me, didn’t say thank you or anything. I mean, I don’t hold doors for approval, it’s just a nice thing to do, but she efforted to not thank me, you know? And then when I stood in line, she stood right next to me, her face just inches from mine, staring at me. I tried not to look, it’s not nice to stare. She didn’t say anything for the longest time, but right as I placed my order, a large crab legs macchiato with (quad shot) and whipped cream, she started whispering loudly in my ear! I couldn’t understand what she was saying, and it made it difficult to talk to the barista. And then, when I turned to ask her politely if she wanted me to get her something, she was gone. Oh I wish I could remember what the woman said. Oh gosh. It was something like, hmmmmmmmmmm..

[voice distorts] The Woman from Italy has come back to town. Nothing can stop her from tearing it down! She lives for your screams, makes meals of your tears. She revels in chaos and deals in your fears. 

We all huddle and hide from the pain yet to come, huddled hidden with loved ones, perhaps she’ll spare some.

She brings the torture, the trouble, the stress, so can you order for her a double espresso?

[normal voice] Well I don’t remember what she said. If I think of it, I’ll call you back. Anyway, sorry I missed you Cecil!

 Cecil: I’m here, Steve! You totally fell for it.

 Steve: Oh, oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho, you got me!

 Cecil: Basic stuff, Steve.

Steve: Sure is! Wow, you got me good! [chuckles]

Cecil: I tease you because I love you, Steve.

Steve: Aww, Cecil. I love you too, big brother!

Cecil: Just kidding, I’m not here! Please leave your message after the tone. [beep]

Steve: Hello? Cecil, I’m not sure what just happened. I guess I’ll try again later.

--

Sorry of the interruption. Oh, looks like I got a voicemail. Oh, it’s from Steve Carlsberg. Well, never mind, there’s breaking news right now.

Stay far away from downtown, listeners. The traffic jam caused by the halted construction project is in great danger. The cars are honking noisily, people are abandoning their vehicles, but the Sheriff is asking everyone to seek immediate shelter. Several dragons are converging on the scene. The dragons have everyone in the congested area completely surrounded. They are walking – no, stomping toward the helpless citizens trapped in traffic. Night Vale, do not go out on the roads. The dragons have us exactly where they want us. What a disastrous trap! Be safe.

And as I try to find out more on what’s happening in downtown, please hear this important weather report. 

[“Qualified” by Sammus feat. Open Mike Eagle, sammusmusic.bandcamp.com]

Here is the secret hierarchy of angels.

Deceased humans can become angels, but few humans do. Angels are immortal beings, but not all of them are former human souls. Some are animals, some plants. Some outdated electronics.

They are all named Erika with a K. All angels are equal to all other angels. They share all memories and all physical sensations. They experience everything simultaneously. Their minds are overwhelmed with enlightenment and pain.

They have no centralized leadership, but they do have committees, lots of committees. These committees do not have titles nor objectives. The committees simply emerge as needed. 

Angels are wealthy, but do not understand currency. They will often ask to borrow 10 bucks.

Angels have no bodies, only visual projections of winged, barely humanoid forms. These forms are dreamed up by those who see and acknowledge them, and may vary based on the viewer.

The secret hierarchy of angels is an ethereal mass of feelings and thoughts made manifest by necessity. They’re only individual beings because we imagine them so, but they are collectively beings.

It is illegal to speak of or acknowledge in any way the secret hierarchy of angels. But. I. will. Acknowledge it. here, on the radio. I’m an objective journalist, which does not mean I have no morals or opinions, just that I can be self-aware of my biases and emotions, yet still report a story transparently to you. You may not agree with my point of view, but I will do. My. Best. To give you the information you need to decide that on your own.

In the case of the angels, I acknowledge them. I see them! And because Josie always said such, I too believe that they are real beings, and are entitled to Josie’s estate. So does five-headed dragon Miriam Adelman. She’s a lawyer, and the angels hired her to represent their case for management of Josie’s will.

Oh, the dragons did not do any harm to those in traffic today. They were simply the legal team coming to help facilitate Josie’s final wish, which was to build a Night Vale sculpture garden, complete with the usual rollercoasters and tilt-a-whirls, and an enormous ferris wheel. 

Josie wanted to have her ashes scattered underneath (Jacobo Manzu’s) [0:22:17] famous sculpture, “Top Thrill Dragster”, which is a 400-foot drop and reaches over 120 miles per hour. Adelman and her legal team managed to push through the sculpture garden construction, which is now complete, and Josie’s ashes have finally been honored in the way she wanted. Alondra ceded this ground because she understood how important this town was to Josie. But she added, “My mother’s home, her belongings, her money, her legacy – these are all I have of my family. I have no siblings, no cousins, and no parents. I am the only Ortiz left. I do not know or understand Night Vale,” Alondra said. “I do not believe in angels, nor dragons for that matter, I just want what is left of my mother’s memory, and then I want to go home, wherever that is.” The city has declined to hear further arguments about estate ownership from Adelman or her angel clients, as the dragons are not licensed to practice law anywhere on this Earth, and their clients, the angels, don’t legally exist.

The secret hierarchy of angels is a cloud of knowledge, formed from the collected experiences of the deceased. Josie might be among them now, or she might know. All I know is that Josie loved Night Vale and we loved her.

I am going to go to the sculpture garden today to pay my respects. Carlos and I will hold hands and lay flowers at the ash-strewn base of (Manzu’s) towering masterpiece of contemporary sculpture. And then, we will purchase a souvenir photo of ourselves screaming in joy and sorrow, while engaged in a 120-mile per hour freefall, demonstrating our fervent arts adovacy, exactly as Josie would have wanted.

I hope all of you will join me in honoring not only the life of Josefina Ortiz, but the lives of the angels who loved her too.

Stay tuned next for hosts Josh and Chuck and their wildly popular show, “Stuff You Shouldn’t Know”, which as usual will be an unbroken reduction beep for 30 straight minutes. No one has ever heard Josh or Chuck speak.

And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Josie was beautiful and angels are real!

Good night.

[ronaldmrashid]

The Worst Landlord Horror Story: You’ll Never Want To Own Property Again

Real estate is wonderful isn’t it? You get to buy a property with other people’s money at a dirt cheap interest rate. Your costs are largely fixed while rents keep on going up thanks to inflation. You get plenty of tax deductions. And you get to earn a $250,000/$500,000 tax free profit upon sale in America, depending on if you are single or married. No wonder why real estate is my favorite asset class to building long term wealth.

But I haven’t done a good enough job over the past eight years telling you about the negatives of owning real estate. The main reason why is because I’ve been bullish on the asset class – coastal city real estate in particular. What a shame it would be to have convinced you out of buying years ago, like some doom and gloom sites who only focus on the negatives because their author missed out.

After a massive run up in property prices, my bullishness has turned neutral-to-slightly-negative. Supply is rising. Valuations are expensive. Rents are falling in places like NYC and SF (where I’m a landlord). While mortgage rates may finally tick up, although they’ve continued to remain low despite the Fed’s moves. Therefore, I’d like to share a reader’s horror story about being a landlord in the last down cycle. I’ve shared my own horror story, which sounds like a first class trip to Paris in comparison. 

Taking A Vegas Gamble

$250K janitors. $9K/month direct deposit easy rental income. It all sounds so wonderful, but it applies to a tiny part of the US, metro areas with concentrations of educated professionals with very high incomes sipping lattes and driving their Priuses to the wine country on the weekends to stay in a nice B&B.

I moved from the Bay Area to Las Vegas in 2004. I thought I was so smart to sell my Bay Area townhouse for $425K, enabling me to buy a single story LV house here for $220K.  Then I bought two rental townhomes, new construction for $200,000 each. Cash.

I didn’t see the point of borrowing money and paying interest if I could afford cash. I was going to be a happy landlord, collecting rents and capital gains on my investments. I would trade my one abode in the Bay for a nicer abode here, plus two rental streams. I had retired, early.

By 2007, the builder of the townhome complex had filed bankruptcy with 157 of 300 units empty, and all the other units which peaked at about $250K were being abandoned by people walking from their mortgages.

The banks would often leave them in limbo, vacant, and vagrant squatters would break in and live in some units (new construction, remember). As foreclosures were slowly processed, the going price to buy a unit similar to mine on the courthouse steps for cash was $50K.

All the units that had been purchased with financing were abandoned, there was no point to continue paying a mortgage for even $150K on a unit worth only $50K. The new purchasers at the foreclosure auctions were mostly absentee landlords, out of state, many from CA, but many Canadian, Australian etc. They simply wired money over and instructed realtors to buy some and get them rented.

The median income in this town was under $50K per household, and these people mostly bought a house. The tenant pool was much poorer. And vacancies were off the scale, so lots of property with hungry landlords needed income. Therefore, very poor quality tenants got great deals.

Realtors then told their out of state landlords that the best way to get a tenant who could pay and not have to be evicted would be to Section 8. Get a poor person with a government voucher to move in, and the government pays you 80% of the rent. You collect the remaining 20% from the tenant, except they usually do not pay. A landlord can evict, and lose his income stream, but most often landlords simply take the 80% payment from the government and write off the rest.

Commercial property prices/demand has leveled off

A New Owner In Town

When the builder filed for bankruptcy, the court ordered sale of the remaining 157 units were bought in bulk by an investor for $9M. That works out to about $60K per. They rent for approximately $1K per month, creating an astounding 20% gross rental yield.

That investor experienced high vacancy rates as well so they took in Section 8, and this new construction complex in a new and up and coming area quickly started looking like an inner city housing project. Crime, drugs, idle people milling around all day, sitting in their garages smoking pot, tons of kids everywhere. Domestic disputes. Continuous police presence, you name it. Have you seen The Wire?

The HOA fees started at $42/mo but over a couple years, and three managers later, they were raised to $145/mo. Common areas were destroyed by tenants. A swimming pool bathroom was lit on fire. Pool furniture was thrown into pool. An unsupervised toddler drowned in a pool while mom was passed out in a unit from drugs. Gangs of unsupervised thug kids terrorized residents for fun. The pool has been chained closed for five years due to lack of funds to open it plus the scepter of repeated vandalism. Water to external landscaping was turned off years ago to let the landscaping die, due to lack of money to pay for water.

Landlords experienced continuous turnover and breaking of leases. No one would live there, except people who had no other choice. Lowest credit quality applicants, Section 8’s whose past history caused other landlords to turn them down but desperate landlords would take them here. Gang symbols were spray painted on buildings and fixtures.

Here’s What Happened To My Rentals

I have owned these rentals since 2005. Today my $200K purchases have returned to about $130K in current value from a low of $100K. I have evicted twice, and repeated repairs and turnovers.

The latest blow is that it turns out the HOA was managed for many years by a local community manager who didn’t have a license. The reserve study shows it should have $1.6M in reserves, but has about $200K instead. A $900K construction defect lawsuit was won against the builder’s insurance co, which should have provided some relief, but all that money was ‘spent.’ Legally spent, by overcharging by managers, contractors and other helpers. The State Dept of RE has ordered audits, fined the HOA, and has a case pending against the board president who it turns out started a pest control company then and made sure to get a $6K contract for his little company from the HOA. All the absentee out of state landlords pay their dues and really have no idea what is going on.

I suspect soon I will get a letter saying a new manager or receiver has been appointed. He’ll turn around and tell us the HOA is woefully underfunded and special assessments of an extra $1K a month are now required to keep the HOA afloat.

More supply in these six cities than in any time during the past 20 years

Profiles Of My Tenants

My tenant applicants have been: DJ, prostitutes (legal), exotic dancer, cab driver, etc. Here are the financials for one example: he earns $1700/mo and has $700/mo car payment. No thank you.

Another application was for roommates, three young people each with incomes of $1000/mo (McDonald’s) who wanted to pool their resources to rent for $1000/mo. Big question is how do you afford this if one of you moves out? Uh. No idea. When I pointed out that move in cost would be one month rent plus one month as deposit, and each of the three would need $660 cash they realized they couldn’t afford to move in.

These are not isolated examples, this is reality. This is the tenant pool in this market. They simply do not have the income.

My own home that I bought in 2004 for $220K is again worth roughly $220K today. At the bottom it was worth $100K and many around were foreclosed. At that time I bought two more, at $100K, and so clearly I have a gain there, which offsets my losses on the townhome disasters.

My point is this happy landlord dream with continuous work, toilet repairs and many other repairs (yes I do it all myself) has earned me perhaps a break even on capital, and perhaps a rental yield of 5%. And the break even required gains on the townhomes I bought in 2012 to offset the ones I bought in 2004/5.

It all sounds so wonderful in blog land. So happy, effortless. I gather that many of the people who have discovered the joys of this investing have never seen a crash or downturn. Or a destroyed unit. Evictions. Tenants threatening your life by calling in the middle of the night firing guns to scare you, because you filed to start eviction and they have no money to pay. Maybe it will never happen in La La Land. But maybe it will, and you’ll question why on Earth you tied up so much of your capital and your life to an extremely illiquid asset.

The production boom in Seattle looks abnormally high

Buyer Always Beware

I hope this reader’s story gives you a clear idea of what could go wrong when the real estate cycle turns south. Here’s a property owner who paid cash for three properties in 2004 and had to buy two more properties in 2012 just to break even 13 years later! What’s worse is the amount of stress and heartache he had to go through to manage the properties. If he had to stretch to buy all those properties with a mortgage, I’m pretty sure his entire retirement nest egg would have been wiped out.

If you’re close to retirement or in retirement, the last thing you want to do is spend your free time worrying about your assets. I’d much rather go on an around the world cruise and earn income 100% passively. Sure it sounds like the reader could have hired a property manager, but if you’re already bleeding cash, you aren’t as amenable to bleeding even more cash.

The longer you are an investor, the higher the chance you will experience bad times. It’s easy to feel good about your investments after such a prolonged bull run. Just know that when the storm hits, the floor drops out as the herd gets scared. At that time, you’ll wish you had a tremendous amount of liquidity like the investor who bought 157 units for a mere $9M with a 20% yield (BURL in effect!).

Related:

Ranking The Best Passive Income Investments

Real Estate Investing Rule To Follow: Buy Utility, Rent Luxury (BURL)

Always Work On Improving Cash Flow For Financial Independence

Any readers out there want to share their own real estate horror story?

from http://www.financialsamurai.com/worst-landlord-horror-story/

[shalegas34]

bizarre love triangle chapter 8

Macquarie was subdued on the return journey. He looked over my slides on the bus and told me they were an easy read, which was a big ego boost.

Bry and his friend hadn't talked any more about the mine, besides to pay out 'that jackass Kostler', so I'd had three hours to myself to mull over what I had heard, and I’d drawn a conclusion or two.

Neither Macquarie nor I brought up Kittle Downs again until after Monday's investor presentation, which went without a hitch. I highlighted Northstar's 70% stake in the Wattle project, which would have a 5-year mine life and add 274,000 tonnes of contained copper (about 50% of existing reserves) to Northstar's assets. I suggested, as Macquarie had instructed me, that the investors' funds would be used to acquire the partner's 30% and develop Wattle to the point of production. This even managed to appease Jamie Sykes, who was actually smiling by the time Macquarie finished feeding him sweet refrains during question time.

The unicorns and rainbows vanished immediately once the video conference ended.

"Northstar isn't developing Wattle," Macquarie said to me without even pausing for breath. "Johann Kostler didn't have a fucking clue what I was talking about. He says any new work is at least two years off."

I'd been preparing for this since that afternoon in pub. "So call off the deal," I forced my voice to stay steady. I still felt like a fraud being firm about business, especially to Macquarie.

He shook his head and spoke some well-rehearsed words. "I can't go against Sally. She knows what she's doing."

I took a deep breath and pushed on. "You really can't live without the discounts? What does your return go from, 30% to 28?"

"2% is a big deal," Macquarie lied through his teeth.

"This is personal for Sally. Don't let her screw you over." These words sounded familiar.

"How can you say that?" Macquarie said, sweating.

This was it. Now or never. "Sally only wants the money for the water treatment plant, to keep the mine open." I remembered to breathe. "Her son wants to raise a family in Kittle Downs."

Macquarie looked like he'd been hit by a truck. His mouth fell open without resistance. Heavy silence settled over the room.

"But, um..." My reserve had flown. "Water treatment doesn't make profits. So she had to tell you a different story."

Macquarie didn't reply, and the pursued expression lingered on his face. Eventually he said shortly and without emotion, "The deal goes ahead."

I opened my mouth to question this shock stonewalling, but Macquarie had risen to his feet. "Just let it go, Aurizon," he snapped.

I let him go.

---

I arrived at the office on Wednesday morning to see the kids bumming around in the waiting area.

"Sydney's back on shift," Macquarie said by way of greeting. "School holidays."

"Hi," I said to the kids. "I'm Aurizon."

"My name's Mattie," the girl said brightly. She had Macquarie's dark hair and eyes. "Mattie with a T. It's short for Matilda."

"Hey," the older boy grumbled before lapsing back into silence. Travis took after Sydney.

I got to work and left them to alternate between video games and vandalising Macquarie's copies of all the major financial newspapers.

"Dad," Travis said after a half hour of precarious silence.

"What?" Macquarie replied from behind his desk.

"What's arbitrage?"

Macquarie sighed and went back to his computer. "Ask me later."

I looked at the bored children. "It's when you can make money from nothing," I said.

Travis's head snapped towards me. He'd forgotten I existed. "Like how?" he asked.

I cast a glance towards Macquarie. He was pretending not to listen. "Um..." I grabbed a marker and drew two circles on one of the whiteboards. "Say these bonds both have $10 in them. But this one costs $5 and that one costs $10."

"That's fucked," Travis said wisely. Macquarie let out a snort.

"Yeah, it is," I said. "So what you do is you borrow somebody else's bond B, sell it for $10, and use the money to buy two of bond A and make $20. Free money."

"Don't you have to give the first bond back?"

"Yeah, but it only costs $10." I pointed. "You've still got $10 left for yourself."

"Sick," Travis said, his eyes widening.

Mattie's arms were crossed. "I don't get it."

"Uh..." I said.

"If they're the same thing they shouldn't cost different prices," Mattie said stubbornly. "Bond B is cheating."

Before I could try explaining the fallibility of efficient markets to an eight-year-old, Macquarie broke in with some hooting laughter. "You sound like the consumer watchdog, Mat. Aurizon, take them to the park or something. We'll go get lunch later." As I walked past, he quietly added, "Nice, you've learned a thing or two round here."

---

I accosted him after lunch, shutting his office door on the kids.

“They’re really cute,” I said, waving towards the door. Macquarie patiently waited for me to drum up the balls to get to the point. I finally let it out: “What are you going to do if you lose your job?”

Macquarie sighed and refused to look at me. “I have to do what Sally says,” he said.

“You don’t,” I insisted. “Porter told me Northstar tried to sell her bonds first. She said the company was worthless. She was right, wasn’t she?”

“It doesn’t matter if she was,” Macquarie skirted the question.

“Is this still about the discounts?”

“It’s not about the discounts.”

I was skirting a fine line between progress and overstepping, and I’d more than used up my bravery reserves for the day. I waited for Macquarie to ease my job and tell me his life story.

After ten more seconds of awkward silence, he did the exact opposite. “I printed Crownsdale’s 2043 annual report,” he said, snapping out of any weakness he’d been about to show. “Figured you could have a look.”

I took the report from him. It was still disturbingly hard for me to be alone with Macquarie in his office without losing my shit a little. His children are three metres away, I roared at myself.

“I think we should back out from Northstar,” I whispered one more time, furious with myself for the placidity of my voice.

“Not a chance,” Macquarie said firmly, but his voice softened when he saw my expression. “Come on, Aurizon. It’s not all bad. You'll always have to do things you don’t want to, it’s just how things work up here. You learn to work around.”

He smiled...

“We’re going to be okay. Maybe Crownsdale will make everything back.”

I almost gasped. It was as good as an admission that he believed Northstar was a sunk cost.

For the rest of the week, we went through the motions. Macquarie signed the purchase agreement with Rowan Stewart, I filed the papers with prudentials, and $14.4 million worth of preference stock changed hands.

I flew to Brisbane straight after work on Friday, to get the weekend with my parents before Monday’s AGM.

On Sunday night, the call came through from Macquarie. Johann Kostler had just been fired on corruption charges, six weeks of backlogged wages were removed from the recent infusion of capital, and there wasn’t enough left to expand the wastewater treatment plant.

Monday morning, the EPA shut down the mine.