#When Ukraine got invaded we at least were able to account for my friends family with relatively less trouble. Not that it was better. I sti | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kazoologist · 7 months

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One of the older women I sometimes sit with at the synagogue this morning apparently has ten relatives who are apparently missing. The rabbi said she thinks they might be hostages. Her mother died a month ago. The other woman I sit with always stands for the mourners Kaddish, and when I saw them last they were holding hands

#personal #i just. I don’t know how to hold the suffering of this community. In my brain. I want to convert. I feel safe and happy when I’m with them #But god if I don’t feel so young and useless talking with them these days.#I can’t even give them the understanding bc I’m a gentile. I don’t know the issues like they do. I can’t even say the prayers right #They like to tease me for mumbling my way through the hebrew prayers. It’s my Midwestern accent to them #delete later #dont rb. I just. Man.#I couldn’t stay for Torah service today. I was rattled by the prayer and I needed to do stuff today.#It feels so childish to wish for peace and it feels so hypocritical to want a world without violence when I’m such an angry person myself #But how am I supposed to feel when a woman who sent me home with a plate of brownies the night I met her bows her head in prayer for the sa #Safety of relatives in a war zone mere weeks after she finishes the mourning prayer for her mother who escaped the holocaust #I am twenty two and not even very good at it.#And every week I sit with a bunch of old women who have more scars than I’ll ever count.#I don’t know. I’m rambling because the fact that having ten relatives missing is just. Unfathomable to me.#When Ukraine got invaded we at least were able to account for my friends family with relatively less trouble. Not that it was better. I sti #Can’t read about Ukraine for more than three minutes #But I could keep the scale in check to stop the worst spirals #I want to be a pacifist. I want to make the world better. But I’m barely keeping myself from drowning just as it is.

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