#Which Means adam was 9. WHICH MEANS they probably got married like Right before queen renée died :(

[lumiereandcogsworth]

throughout the movie, lumiere, maestro cadenza, and mr. potts ALL call their wives “darling” at some point. like!!! no wonder adam calls belle that so much!!!! that’s what all the good men in his life call their beloveds!!!!!!!!!

[clown-bait]

Monster Family (Monster Roommate AU) CH9

HIATUS OVER! Im back! I had to take some time off in the fall because holy hell life got crazy! But Im back and Im determined to finish this and get the story through IT ch2 idk how long that will take me but now that Im financially stable I finallly have time to write!

CH 9 Hospital

When you're on a diet the last place you want to go to is an ice cream shop where temptation surrounds you in every corner. For Pennywise staring at a room full of screaming crying infants was like standing in an ice cream shop with a growling stomach and the world's biggest sweet tooth. 

They were so helpless and plump he could just pluck one up and swallow it whole. No one would even notice! They're all just right there! The Adam's apple of his human form bobbed up and down as he gulped and pressed a hand to the window. 

"First time dad?" A man was speaking to him he sounded disgustingly confident and joyful.

"Yes." He answered distantly.

"Aw congrats son! My wife just popped out number 3 right there! Cute little tyke, those legs look like a future football star's legs I'm tellin ya! Nice and plump gonna be a strong runner!"

Robert Grey wiped his lips with his sleeve as he stared at the squirming drumsticks. 

"So newbie which one of the little rascals here is yours? Wait don't tell me, the one with the fish eyes HA!"

Robert held back a snarl. "My offspring have not arrived yet." He said almost ominously 

"Ah hell don't be nervous pal! You'll be fine!"

"I do not get nervous." Robert did growl this time. He wanted to leave not only because this human stunk of pork rinds and grass cuttings but more so that he was stressed being in this place. There was a lot of fear in these halls possibly some of his own. His mate's seizing body was still fresh in his mind and the blood from her head was still under some of his fingernails. She will definitely kill him when she wakes up.

"Mister um Grey? Your wife is…..well she's stable will you please come with me?" A nurse called to him. Finally an excuse to leave. 

"Go get em champ!" He heard the human male call out to him. The eldritch decided that none of his offspring will be participating in this game of footballs just to avoid ever encountering this loud individual again. 

"We don't know how to tell you this sir but your wife is….well she has no pulse... Medically speaking she should be dead.." Robert stood unamused at the door of a hospital room he really did not want to be in. "I'm aware of that." He growled at the confused nurse. He should probably make her not see the fact that leech was a card-carrying member of the living dead but to be honest he wasn't focusing too much on what people saw and did not see. Most of his attention was on the strange male who insisted they came here instead of home. He didn't like the smell of him and did not like that his mind was unreadable. All he knew about him was that he knew his mate and had more than just a guitar in that case he carried. 

When the man found them it was Robert Grey's face he wore while he stood in the middle of the road. The creature frantically licked his seizing mate whos swollen stomach flashed frantically with muffled light. No matter what he did, he couldn't get it to stop and his silver desperate eyes reflected back in the approaching headlights. The following conversation was a blur,  the man apparently had met them the night before on that wonderfully brilliant bender he went on. Something about getting his mate to the hospital something about a friend who worked there….

"Sir? Are you all alright? " The nurse asked and brought the eldritch out of his thoughts. He let out a very inhuman snarl and pushed past the woman "sir! We need to discuss this more there's the matter of an ultrasound and-" Pennywise slammed the door behind him. He glanced up at the scene before him; another nurse fussed over the unconscious vampire smearing ointment on her stomach as she lay as still as a fresh corpse. He did not like the way they touched her nor the smell of the bandages on her head.

"Oh you must be the father? We're about to take a look at the baby." She said cheerfully. Pennywise's scowl did not change. 

The instrument pressed into his brood and a fang twitched over his lip. How dare this filth touch his mate and his eggs. He moved to protect but stopped when little lights began to dimly glow beneath the surface of Leech's pale skin. The nurse was mumbling something about seeing babies then she froze jaw going slack at the sight of the monitor. The infant deadlights within his vampire all shined through the screen, paralyzing their victim while rotating hypnotically just like their parent lights. The eldritch finally softened his gaze at the sight of his offspring. Pride stole his breath away from him and his scowl slowly warmed into a smile. Not even born and already making kills. He understood it all now, pride in something other than himself. Was he crying? Can he cry? Pennywise was lost in pondering these new emotions not even registering that his mate had come to and had bitten into the brain scrambled nurse. Leech hissed as she sucked the life out of the woman reflecting soulless eyes at the dumbstruck cosmic horror who was still completely mesmerized by all the strange new parental feelings it was trying to process. He didn't move till the empty body fell to the floor snapping back to reality at the sound of the heavy thud. Leech returned to a reclined position resting her palm on her churning stomach feeling the happy buzzing beneath her skin coughing and wheezing as if the blood she just consumed was her first breath of life.

A tissue dragged over her lips and one of her eyes slowly opened to watch Robert hover over her. "You're in trouble." She muttered.

"When am I not." He smirked and licked the tissue before swiping blood from her cheek particularly hard. 

"You didn't even propose you dick!" Leech growled and gingerly sat up. 

"Was tired of being bothered." Her mate tossed the tissue aside and instead switched to running his thumb over her cool lips. He licked his fingers clean with a satisfied groan. 

"That's not really the point of getting married Pen." Leech replied quietly and the mood changed fast. Robert's hands pulled away from her and a coldness filled the air. The eldritch stepped back towards the door and Leech could see the hurt on his features even if he hid it.

"..........You do not want this?" was he sad? Oh great drama queen is upset. 

"Hey I'm having your fucking babies egg head!" She blurted out trying to get out of the bed but struggled from her size. Her mate was already getting ready to walk out. "Pen don't fucking jump to conclusions. I don't want this in the way you did it! That's what has me upset!" She felt fear in her throat followed by the pain of her own children feeding off her. Tears spilled from her eyes as ichor bubbled from her mouth. "I want it to fucking mean something to you, like it does for me!" She gurgled weakly spilling black goo from her lips to the floor. Her mate did finally stop trying to leave much to her relief. She coughed and gripped the bed tightly. "I didn't even get a bachelorette party…." She could feel herself panting and she shifted back to a reclining position. "Hey, I still love you, you big drama queen. Don't ever doubt that. Can we just discuss this post offspring? I got a lot on my plate right now."  After an uncomfortable silence he turned to her with wild golden eyes. "They look like me." Was all he said. 

"They eat like you too." Leech sighed wiping her own blood from her lips. Robert's lip twitched upward as Leech shut her eyes in relief "I hate saying this but-"

"You need my help."

"You're the one who did this to me anyway." The vampire groaned and shut her eyes. "I feel so gross and bloated." She felt a hand reach under her knees and another slither around her back lifting her with ease. "Who's being the drama queen now?" He finally grinned 

"Fuck you." 

"You've already done that darling." Robert smirked with pride kissing her bandaged head. Leech traced the nail of her thumb over his cheekbone and her eldritch leaned into the touch.

"Just mouth stuff then." She smiled and kissed his soft wet lips.  

"What the hell are you doing?! Put her back idiot!" The pair froze at the shout as two men burst into the room. Pennywise's eye cracked open and rolled to the side, eyeing them both with venom. "Oh christ, they killed Bridget." The doctor groaned. Herbert West lifted the dead woman's wrist and dropped it "I suppose I can use the body for research. This will be such a mess to clean, you people are nightmares to work with I hope you know that." 

"I thought you said you didn't work with the living doc." Leech grumbled as her mate eased her back down and stood guard in front of her bedside.

"Your buddy here called in a favor."

"The guy from the bar?"

"Call me Duke darlin, Duke Rivers! Found the two of you in the middle of the road, gave you a lift." 

"I don't remember anything after passing out." Leech grumbled gingerly touching her head. 

"Shoulda seen that old bug of yours! What a worried wreck! Didn't I tell ya he'd come around?" The older man laughed then placed his coat on his shoulder. "I'll bet letting the doc take it from here, consider it my one good deed of the day. Come see my show sometime kid." 

"I- yeah, I think I will thanks." The man studied her as Robert shot a venom-filled glare in his direction then nodded at them as he slipped out. Leech barely had time to think before being roughly grabbed by the chin.

"You seem to be healing slow your um..species.. is known for regenerating yes?" West turned her head and pulled back her dressings.

"You think I'm sick?" Leech sat up taking her mate's hand.

"Do keep in mind I specialize in humans this is completely uncharted territory for me." 

"Well I'm human-shaped….most of the time…"

"I'll need you to go over weaknesses and allergies of both you and your...significant other. Something could have weakened you or the babies." 

"I have none!" Robert butted in with pride. 

"Yeah yeah lucky you." Leech grumbled. 

"And I believe I told you to wait till sunset but ohhhh no someone just haaad to go swimming."

"Oh shut up you were just as into it as I was."

"So you've been weakened by sunbathing despite knowing you're allergic to sunlight. And here I thought legendary monsters would be intelligent." The doctor sighed and turned the vampires head who hissed in annoyance. "Figures you are more vulnerable in your condition. By the rate your head injury is healing it'll take days instead of hours till you're on your feet. Hope the tan was worth it."

"Your bedside manner needs work doc." Leech muttered as he roughly redressed her wound 

"I work with the dead not the living"

"It shows." Robert nearly hissed not liking the way this other touched his mate so carelessly.

Leech rolled her eyes at him "So I don't know about you boys but i need another drink. Hook a girl up doc? Got any A negative? That shits rare!" 

"I would like a baby." The cosmic horror said cooly

"You already have babies Pe-.......wait…..no. oh no you are not eating a baby!"

"Peachy they are literally right there!" The eldritch's fangs split his face as he glared out the small window. His company looked mortified "Just one, one small soft and squealing."

"You are not eating a fucking baby!" Leech growled.

"I deserve one!" The disguised clown snarled glaring at his mate with vermilion eyes and a broken human face. 

"You already got my ass virginity today!" Leech snarled back rolling her eyes at the dramatic display.

"Things I did not need to hear at 5 am….. look I'm not stealing you rare blood types and infants for a grotesque gourmet feast. I will supply you with what you will need and then ask you people to get out of my hospital." The doctor grumbled and began to fuss with the corpse on the floor. 

 "Fine then Pen take me home, I'd rather rot in my own bed anyway." 

"I told you a couple days rest. You will live, are all of you this dramatic?"

"Only the pretty ones doc!" The vampire flashed a parting grin as they left the doctor to clean their mess. He was grumbling something about never working with the undead again. 

------------------

"You should be resting." Her monster’s voice hissed from under her bed. Leech shot a disinterested glance to the floor then back to her window. She felt a puff of hot moist air uncontrollably close to her face then heard a maw of teeth open "YoU sHOulD bE REsTinG." The eldritch gurgled.

"You realize the scary faces are gonna keep me awake right?" Leech cooly said and heard a set of jaws snap shut with enough force to break bones in two. 

"Things other than scary faces are keeping you up. I smell it on you." Her clown’s voice warbled out and Leech subconsciously moved for him to join her. 

"You ever look at someone you've never met and just feel like you know them?"

"No. But I am amused by this continue." The massive horror smiled through his words as he bullishly snuggled his way into his mate’s bed.

"I think I know the guy who helped us. I don't know why though." 

"Hmm too much stressing for you Mrs. Wise. But I will help put your mind at ease when you feel better. Promise promise." Leech felt soft nuzzles against her head as her mate ran his cheekbones over her skull like a cat. 

"I thought we agreed not to talk about that." Leech grumbled and turned to face her apparent "husband". "And its Grey. I like Grey on the end of my name."

"Someone's thought of this before!" Pennywise's smile widened. "Daydreaming about your clown my dear?"

"Don't embarrass me." Leech grunted and buried her face in his ruff. If she was alive, her face would be hot. "I'm not considering this official until we have a real ceremony and I get a ring. Call me old fashioned but your girl has standards."

"Hmm as you wish then Mrs. Grey!" He chuckled darkly smirking at her darkened cheeks and wide-eyed expression. 

"You fucking jackass." She muttered as her clown cackled grabbing her tight and tickling her skin. So much for bed rest.

[atlasifyllm]

Because yes

1. Your first OC ever?

I would say Queen Mana, my self insert alicorn pony princess, but in all honesty I'd say my Littlest Pet Shop toys from 3rd grade that I gave each a persona or my mouse character "Licky" and his sister "Lucky". Yeah Licky had quite the unfortunate name. As for my LPS toys, I'm not sure which was my FIRST among all of them, but I do know the first ones were Trevor and Erica! They were a happy married couple~

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

Ooh, I gotta say I have one for each story. Though among all of them? I HAVE to go with Cobalt Zaffre from DOTS: DD. Honestly my fave out of the DOTS peeps, I love his design (thanks Raven), her persona, his character arc, god I love this dickhead

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

Honesty no? I did base Rose off of a friend's OC, but that was years ago and she's more original now.

4. A character you rarely talk about?

I gotta say Agent Silver and Agent Neon from MAR, mostly since I've been pretty dry with MAR ideas and have near no hope to revamping them both from their 5th grade counterparts. That and the protag of D.exe, since I'm revamping them too. Pretty much any character I've planned on revamping but haven't really gotten to yet...

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

COBALT ZAFFRE. I honestly feel like he's worth the fame, though I'm probably biased-

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

Yang and Tig! When designing one of them into DOTS, I created Yang with Tig's original palette concepts of 2016 with no intentions of bringing Tig into the story yet. Though that changed, and I brought Tig into DOTS: DD and got too attatched to their palettes to change them. I have thought of changing Yang's design, but I got too attached so Tig and Yang just so happen to share the same hair and skin tone.

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

The real question is who ISN'T apart of any story? I get too attached to OCs easily so I'd either need to make a story or put them into a story! I did have a void character for a week named Benvolio, though I found him a place in "Dragon Destiny"

8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here!

I've never actually roleplayed before! I have thought of opening an askblog for Turquoise Sky from DOTS: DD, though I've lost most motivation for continuing it

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

I'm too attached to my babies!

But in all honesty my brain makes so many character concepts that I could legit probably sell them at this point for the characters I REALLY don't need.

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

I don't have a picture of her on-hand, but the first that comes to mind is Nio from Chrisis! Mostly due to her rainbow sleeves and cards...

A close second is Iris from the DOTSverse, though it's honestly just due to her hair being a gradient AND layer mode at the same time.

I'm sure there's more though, I can never keeo track of them all!

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “cinnamon roll”?

Rose Morganite from DOTS: DD and Nimbus Fulmen from AuAg! Both are sorta naive kids who don't know what's going in too well...

My other kid OC is basically Ed Elric except with Queen Moon's look-

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

fuck it i'm calling them out @ravenwolfie97

I REALLY LIKE SKYLAR BINCH

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

Tig is sorta on the border between troublemaker and full-blown villain. Though my new OC Roman Rho from Dragon Destiny seems to fit that description? Others include Kaiser and Shadow from Last Light, Aquamarine from SOTGC, the entire cast of Sky Games, Viobalt and Charoite from Chrisis, Ater from the DOTSverse (somewhat), Ala Blaster from DOTS: SF, Reed from ROP, Akumu from D.exe, Mika from ZP, and... yeah I hope that's all of them

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

Cobalt Zaffre from DOTS has a pretty angsty backstory so far, though I can't spoil that right now. Iris actually has a sad story too, but I can't spoil that either. Have some runner ups!

- Bluebot (Beyond Repair) Bluebot is the only android that is utterly seen as useless by Eris, the main AI

- Storm Gray (Dragon Destiny) Storm was treated more as an experiment than child by the scientist who made him, having him be bullied by his scientist's son, Roman

- Ventus Fulmen (AuAg) while he isn't a full blown "angst son", Ventus got into prison thinking his girlfriend was shot dead by soldiers

- Viobalt (Chrisis) Viobalt is trying to strive beyond the void since his own universe was erased from existence by the creator

- Pretty much all the Darksiders in Last Light. Each Darksider succumbed to a dark, deep form of Despair, which caused them to turn into monsterous beings seeking revenge, acceptance, pain, or freedom

- The Squire (A Story Told) The Squire lost his kingdom to an evil king, and wants to try and get it back

Those are the ones from the top of my head!

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

Oh honey I could talk about my OCs all year

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

I'm gonna say the scientists in Dragon Destiny, since out of the two other brands of scientists in my story (D.exe and BR), the DraDes scientists had to deal with organic matter way more in order to create the dragons. Vincent from D.exe is a close second, though he's more of a specifically neuroscientist than biologist

17. Any OC OTPs?

- Storm x Orlene in DraDes

- Cobalt x Ruri in DOTS: DD (and by extension, DOTS: SF)

- Ruby x Blaze in DOTS: DD

- Yin x Tigerlily in DOTS: DD

- Yang x Vio in DOTS: DD

- Ventus x Vepris in AuAg

- Momo x Ringo in PSG!

- Alpha x Zetto in DOTS: 5x5

- Iris x Alba in DOTS: 5x5

18. Any OC crackships?

- Cobalt x Yang in DOTS: DD. The two palabros honestly are hilarious together as a hugely dumb couple

- Reed from ROP x Zetto from DOTS: 5x5. This is a REALLY odd one, but one time I had a dream that created a new OC that looked like a fusion between the two with a dark blue color scheme. So of course I joked about them having a son, though it's extra funny when Zetto is just a humanoid snorlax made of pure light and eats flowers, and Reed is an energetic anime prince protag boy who's... well, not made of light. And of course, some crossover ships are absolutely hilarious

But my favorite:

- Turquoise x Cobalt in DOTS: DD. Gotta get that good ol fashion Oncest 👍

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

All the Chrises tbh, but especially Cobalt in particular. Cobalt (and by extension, the other Chrises) is based off of the guy who inspired me to continue making stories and OCs, and I can never thank him enough for helping me find that spark that gave me a purpose. Cobalt's everything to me, a coping character and a tribute to the man who inspired me to be this creative. I created the other Chrises because I want the creativity that the guy gave me to be a symbol of all my stories, and a tribute to the man himself. Cobalt as I've developed him has represented all the things that remind me of the guy, so he's the closest to him but also with my own twists I adore so I can't help but love him so much! Cobalt, out of all the Chrises, represents the man who's inspired me to be a creator to this extent the most, so he means so much to me. The other Chrises are a VERY close second, since they represent him in various ways too that is both a tribute to him and a symbol of me, though Cobalt represents him the most.

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

HA! EASY! The Zero Percent crew 100% (pun intended)

Robin I can see sounding probably like a mix of the singer from Set It Off (Sorry I don't know his name!), Natewantstobattle, and I think Billie Joe Armstrong/Gerard Way?? There's so many good voices crie-

He likes rock music tho! He's in a band so that's a given but... yeah.

Elliot is a newer OC from the same story, but not from Robin's band! He's a lone singer cause I wanted a singer OC who sounded like Adam Lambert-

Outside ZP, I had the headcanon that Yang from DOTS: DD had an embarassing rap phase in high school. Ash Embers from the same story was also in a band, though it disbanded as soon as it was made ;n; I'm not sure if she was the vocalist though? Def rockstar, though. Cobalt I can see having a good singing voice since I've really liked Chris Niosi's singing (sing more Chris ;o;), and Ruri too since her voice claim is Rose Quartz from SU! Not sure on their genres, though... Other punk rockers include Ruby, I have been thinking her voice claim changing to Hayley Williams? Not sure, though...

Lastly, The Bard in A Story Told. She plays medieval music, though it's not particularly good since she'e pretty much a drunken bard who gets around by riding her horse backwards.

Anyway that's 20 questions, hope you 5 peeps enjoyed it, ehehe-

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes three and four: WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Oh, god, I’m back.

You’re probably wondering, “Hey, Amanda, can’t you count? There wasn’t a *Bachelor In Paradise: Victim-Blaming Island Episodes one and two recap!” Hunty, I know. But did you see those episodes? I literally had to leave midway through the first one and get more alcohol to handle it. You know who should never be asked to hold a panel on sexual assault and racism? Chris Harrison. Literally. I would rather have a panel on torture wherein which I am the one being tortured by Carrot Top. I would rather be taken over by a Trump-supporting demon1 that gets carted around Fox News as their Token Pretty Black Girl.

Oh my god, I literally just said I would prefer to be Stacey Dash, what have I done?!

So no, I won’t be recapping what I consider to be the Men’s Rights Activist Textbook For Discussing Sexual Assault and Racism. Nah man, nah.

What that does mean, though, is that I must do my rankings swiftly, and on a different scale this season, as we don’t have Queen Jubilee to be our barometer of Perfection, and rather we have Robb(ie), a hot mixture of saliva, hair gel, sweat, and low self-esteem. I dislike them all, pretty much. I must rate them in terms of things I hate in my own life. Alas, I present:

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability:

Raven: People playing music in public without headphones

Jasmine: mosquito

Robb(ie): Ross Geller

Lacey: Running out of one expensive product and then as soon as I replace that one, running out of ANOTHER expensive face product

Diggy: When the commercial is louder than the show I was watching

Matt: Forgetting one thing when I go shopping

Taylor: Walking into a cold pond and touching seaweed

Kristina: Pills on sweaters (I dislike her the least)

Amanda Never-Shoulders: a recurring cold for 2+ months that is just a tickle in the back of your throat and a constant throat clearing and a sniffle

JACKSTONE: Running out of all of my expensive face products at the same damn time

Dean: Waking up from a nap and being not 100% sure of what time it is (I dislike him the least of all of them too)

Alexis: 30 second ads before 30 second videos

Ben: Wet socks

Danielle: A straw with a crack in it

Nick B: Entering a room and forgetting what you meant to do in there

Iggy: When people comment on other people’s food

Vinny: Standing on the left side of the escalator

Alex:  The Hobbit and any movie that expects me to want to spend 2+ hours in the god damn woods2

DeMario: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s marriage

Corinne: Missing a button on your shirt and discovering after someone points it out

We’re back after the shutdown and we haven't even gotten to the rose ceremony yet, but everyone’s back and still DTF. The opening is as awkward as ever, and I zoned out. Back at the villas, the girls are crying because love is not in the air, and the guys are oblivious. I mean, this is a group of very attractive people who all have never had to work this hard to get other people’s attention or get them to want to be with them. Ugh, it’s so hard to go to an island for two weeks and get drunk and flirt with people.

I WOULD BE QUEEN OF THIS ISLAND.

But really, the dudes are having bro-time and the ladies are not having it, and they need a new dude to come in.

So here comes Adam.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Adam: People with no clue of how they’re occupying space

Adam was on Rachel’s season and we all forgot about him and I still forgot about him. The show reminds me that he was the guy with the French mannequin and everything makes horrific sense. I would rather fall in love with that French mannequin than have a talk about the sexualization of black male bodies by white people. But the guys are PUMPED that they have another guy to play video games with and talk about sports wi - I mean, that Adam’s there and he has a true chance at love. All the girls are thirsting over Adam, primarily because he has a date card. Basically the guys admit to Adam that none of the guys have made a single move except Derek, who’s been holed up with Taylor pretty much since before the shutdown.

Adam says he’s interested in Raven3 and Kristina, and takes his time getting to know both of them. Raven wants to be like Evan And Carly Who Got Engaged in Paradise And Are Getting Married There Too, Remember, After Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Earlier The Year Before, Remember Them, and Adam wants someone he can lift up. I’m sure he means emotionally but I definitely had the mental image of Adam constantly carrying his girlfriends around.

The next day, it’s FINALLY the rose ceremony, and pretty much every rose is up in the air except for Taylor’s. Robb(ie) and Ben Z both want Raven’s rose, but neither of them want her to go on a date with Adam.

So of course Adam gives Raven his date card because everything is hilarious.

Meanwhile, Dean’s isolating himself from… everyone, but especially Kristina, and Kristina’s frustrated by that. She sits down with Diggy to discuss how she’s feeling and I realize that the time that this group spent together during the shutdown is going to play out in the dynamics of this season. Kristina and Dean bonded during the shutdown, but back on Fuck Island, things aren’t as smooth. He literally says he can’t talk to her until after his shower and all but bolts away from her.

Kristina: Dean just might not be into you anymore. And that’s okay.

Ben Z is in a tizzy that Raven and Adam are going on a date because basically he has a dog and Raven has a dog so they’re Meant To Be. Raven and Adam’s date cost all of $30 (including tip) because they basically sat at a table and drank margaritas and then did some terrible salsa dancing.

They play out how ominous the rose ceremony is going to be because there’s a tsunami coming in and it's pouring rain out. Literally no one wants this to happen. TAKE THE HINT. None of the guys are confident because they spent the last few days dicking around with each other and forgot that it’s not in their hands anymore. Iggy’s desperate and pretty much tries to go around to every girl and try to get a rose because he wants them Instagram followers. He bastardizes a Jewish prayer for Lacey. I literally forgot Alex was even there. Alexis forces JackStone to compliment her over and over again and this show should be much more of that and less of Adam making out with Raven in an a desperate attempt to get her rose.

Then again, there hasn’t been enough gross making out this season. It’s the alcohol consumption control and also these guys are terrible.

There’s an amazing scene where Robb(ie) tries to kiss Amanda Never-Shoulders and she swerves him so hard I cackled. She puts her hand on his shoulders and it ls like, “I want it to be special! You’re sweaty!” I would like this show to be 100x more cutting men down to size.

Dean takes Kristina aside and basically tells her it would be best to “slow down” a little bit, which is the fuckboy way of saying “I wanna bang other people, AND I wanna still bang you.” He all but tells her she has no obligation to give him her rose. Dean’s got terrible communication skills.

The Rose Ceremony starts and you would think these people have just seen water for the first time after being in a desert.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Jasmine gives her rose to Matt.

Raven gives her rose to… Adam, and Ben Z doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

Alexis gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Lacey gives her rose to Diggy because one couple has to be there just to stay for mutual agreement.

Danielle M. gives her rose to Ben Z out of sympathy AND HE DESERVES A REAL ROSE HAVE Y’ALL SEEN HIS FACE

Kristina gives her rose to Dean. Why.

Amanda Never-Shoulders gives her rose to Robb(ie) and I do not understand how she has such terrible taste in men.

Alex, Nick, Vinny, and Iggy all go home. All the men except Iggy get exit speeches4 and Vinny struggles with his seatbelt.

The next day, the tables have turned, and the guys are in charge now. Danielle L shows up, and all the guys are salivating over her. I refuse to call her DLo.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Danielle L: the idea of a dolphin eating a squeaky toy

She has a date card, 20 pounds of makeup and boob tape on at like, 9 AM. The guys are alight because there’s finally someone they’re into there. Danielle is interested in Ben and Dean, and Ben takes his time with Danielle to talk about how Dean and Kristina are in a rough spot, which leads Danielle straight to Dean instead. It makes no sense.

Danielle offers Dean her date card, and Kristina is krushed5. She was hoping for a fun bonding day with Dean and he’s off on another date with a girl who just go there. Dean tries to explain himself away and keep Kristina on the hook by being like, “Well, she knows about you, so…” Dean and Danielle go on a date driving a single ATV6 and Kristina sits at home, crying and drinking and watching a sunset. Danielle and Dean’s date ends with them making out. Barf. I know Kristina and Dean spent a week road tripping across Kentucky during the shutdown but it just feels extra harsh that Dean’s doing this now.

Dean seems really desperate to be The Good Guy in every single way and thus makes himself look like The Bad Guy because he’s emotionally unintelligent. He goes up to the girls’ room awkwardly and waits until they’re like, “Sooo… do… you want to talk to Kristina?”; and then when they’re talking, he downplays the kiss he had with Danielle as just a “peck” and tells Kristina missed her. They share a pinky promise that they’ll be together forever and ever and ever because these are two emotionally mature adults.

Pinky promises ain’t shit, and Dean ain’t shit.

It gets worse when they’re having a bonfire and Dean and Kristina are with the rest of the group at a bonfire, and then jumps up and gets a slice of watermelon with whipped cream on it for Danielle’s half-birthday. I fuckin’ love my birthday and I would never celebrate my half-birthday like this, especially with that not-cake insult of a cake. Dean flat out disrespected Kristina in front of everyone.

Dean can’t have his not-cake and eat it too. I don’t feel bad for Kristina, either, because she can do and deserves better, but this was a public humiliation.

Oooh, Dean’s not the internet’s boyfriend anymore, is he?

End Act One. Enter Act Two.

There’s some horrible wordplay with “Dean’s Dilemma with D-Lo” nd I hate everyone. Chris Harrison, BYEEEEE.

Also, I refuse to give commentary on the DeMario interview. Y’all can go visit Ali Barthwell at Vulture for that.

The next day, shit’s still tense on the Dean/Danielle/Kristina front. Kristina pretty much can’t stop crying because she hates being vulnerable7 and she’s shutting down. No one knows who’s going to give Kristina a rose if Dean doesn’t.

I haven’t talked about My Ex-Boyfriend Wells being the Jorge replacement this season. I am not okay with it whatsoever. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is slowly becoming the Nick Viall of this franchise and imma need him to disappear right quick. I don’t want to date a guy whose main life goal is Bachelor Nation Personality, that sounds fucking terrible.

Raven’s excited about pursuing Adam because Raven is Hot Shit and Knows Every Guy Wants Her8 but she’s afraid another girl will come in and ruin what they have going.

Enter Sarah!

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Sarah: Resting your hand on the hot spot where your flat iron was

Sarah, who is basically a walking wand curler, and Raven’s terrified because during the shutdown, Raven caught Adam and Sarah having a snuggle. Soooo, Raven’s on the “Protect Ya Dick” path and basically tells Sarah “If you want Adam, get Adam, but we’re all still getting to know Adam since he just got here, and we already know Ben, so we’d love for you to take Ben instead!” AKA “GO ON A DATE WITH BEN”.

Why do they have to sell Ben to anyone? He’s so hot. Then again, his entire personality is being a good dad to his dog. Ben.

Ben.

Why do you do this. JUST BE QUIET AND LET US SALIVATE OVER YOUR BODY.

Sarah gets the most generic date card which is perfect for her personality, and she chooses Adam despite all of Raven’s dreams and desires. I like seeing Raven getting cut off at the knees so getcha man, Sarah. We get an amazing scene of Adam saying he’s happy to be on an one-on-one with Rachel because they literally could have copy-and-pasted that from Rachel’s season and I wouldn’t have known. Adam and Sarah go on the thirstiest date of all time. Adam literally says he jumps into relationships too quickly and Sarah’s like I’M ALL IN PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. Sarah loses me when she says that Paradise is a Nicholas Sparks book in real life and I barf.

Back at the resort, Danielle’s losing hope because she’s not feeling it with anyone there. Danielle sees My Ex-Boyfriend Wells as dateable - just not in Paradise - but they agree to a My Best Friend’s Wedding type deal where Danielle M is a much less likeable Julia Roberts and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells WISHES he could be Dermot Mulroney. He’s barely even Rupert Grint, let alone Rupert Everett. Pfft.

Meanwhile, Lacey’s been put on ice by pretty much everyone in Paradise. I can’t tell it’s because it’s 2017 and she’s still lining her entire eye with black eyeliner like she’s Avril Lavigne in 2002 or because she’s a whiner. I’m thinking it’s the former, but more likely it’s the latter. She never had a one-on-one in her time on The Bachelor and she just wants her GREAT RELATIONSHIP. Perfect timing, because Lacey gets a date card.

They need to give Jorge’s Tour-ges some publicity, so Lacey’s card is from Jorge. Lacey asks Ben first, but pretty much no one is DTF Lacey. Raven even says “I think the guys want to go on a date… but not necessarily with Lacey.”

Raven is such an underground bitch sometimes and I much prefer her that way. Jasmine says she would choke Lacey if she took Matt on a date. Lacey’s pretty much asking all the guys if she took them on her date would it be as friends or as something possibly more. But Lucky Lacey, because Diggy agrees to go on a date with her! And Jorge!

Lacey calls a Bachelor one-on-one the Holy Grail of dating and I’m just… what? WHY. They meet with Jorge, who’s with some horses! Jorge-ses. They ride horses to get to know each other and Lacey’s like, “I probably never would have met you without Paradise.” I know she didn’t mean it that way, but it feels like she’s saying “I’ve never dated a black dude before!” Jorge brought Lacey and Diggy to the place where Jorge was conceived, and I love it.

BRING BACK JORGE. CAN I START A CHANGE.ORG PETITION.

Lacey and Diggy make out next to the ocean and I just noticed that Lacey’s hair is basically pulled back with a Chip Clip.

Meanwhile, Danielle M. and My Ex-Boyfriend Wells are discussing each other with different people. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with her by pursuing something more, and Danielle M. isn’t feeling it with anyone there and is going to leave. She gave up a great opportunity to come and try to find love in Paradise and that’s not happening, so.

Diggy and Lacey return from their date and Lacey’s over the moon, so of course the producers decide to shit all over that party by sending in Dominique, and Diggy’s THRILLED. I have no memory of Dominique but she was on Nick’s season and is rockin the twists. Lacey’s afraid that because Taylor doesn’t like Lacey and Taylor loves Dom, that Taylor’s gonna meddle.

And meddle Taylor does. Lacey’s already nervous because she knows Diggy wants to go out with Dominique and vice versa. Taylor basically tells Dominique that Diggy’s actually excited about her, which she hasn’t seen in him with anyone else. I’m cackling. Taylor is such a menace and I love it.

Dominique asks Diggy on the date, and Lacey’s pissed and takes it out on Taylor, of course. Taylor goes to Lacey and tries to explain herself - it wasn’t done maliciously, she just thinks they’re a better fit. Lacey just wants everyone to stop playing matchmaker and that her great date was ruined less than 15 minutes after she returned. Taylor feels bad but also, that’s how the game works, girl. I love that Taylor’s like, “Come on. Lacey would have done the same damn thing if the tables were turned.”

‘Cause it’s true.

Diggy feeds Dom some strawberries and they kiss and their date seems to be a non-factor. I’m bored. I’m more intrigued by the Lacey shit.

Danielle’s at home packing up all of her stuff because she’s officially left Paradise. Everyone’s sad to see her go and she says all of the blanket platitudes. She’s going to miss My Ex-Boyfriend Wells the most, though. She’s sad nothing developed between the two of them during Paradise, but if they’d had more time, maybe something could have come out of it. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells walks her out to her Van of Doom and then THEY KISS.

Good for you, Danielle.

Fuck off, My Ex-Boyfriend Wells.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Derek and Taylor look gorgeous together.

“Please sit down. So you’re Jewish,” made me cackle. Iggy’s the worst.

Does Lacey look like an Olsen to anyone else?

OMG Alexis saying that Nick was the worst Bachelor in history and all the Nick shade in general in this episode.

Fuck Jasmine for saying Taylor wasn’t well liked on her season, gross.

I keep forgetting Amanda is even there. This is for the best.

These girls seem cliquey as hell. I felt bad for Lacey at points.

And if you know anything about me, while I’m not a “spiritual” person, spirits and demons freak me the fuck out. I hated This Is The End. ↩︎

I’m talking about The Revenant, and the fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has an Oscar for grunting and not for Django Unchained, like he SHOULD HAVE. ↩︎

Raven is the #1 Girl on that island apparently. ↩︎

God bless Lacey for not picking Iggy because I would like to never see him on my television ever again. ↩︎

I couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

Someone must have had a Groupon. ↩︎

Did I hear an unedited “shit” come out of Kristina?!?! ABC, living on the edge. ↩︎

I literally think that’s why I hate her so much, she’s got this level of arrogance that isn’t blatant but she disguises it behind a Southern accent. ↩︎

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Easy peasy, Albanese

ALL the experts said the UK would vote to remain in the EU. Similarly everyone thought Hilary would win 

Why do we then act so surprised with last Saturday’s result?

I mean, North Melbourne aren’t the most reliable of tips in 2019 and Sydney showed up in the moments that mattered, let’s be honest.

Oh, and the Federal Election, yeah what a boil over that was. Flicking Malcolm Turnbull then the extra day of mess to turn Peter Dutton into Scott Morrison – masterstroke.

Alastair Clarkson could only dream of such a bold yet effective gameplan.

 1.       Let’s get Carlton out of the way early. Pretty awful last Sunday arvo, sure. But there was nothing surer than the GWS, a week after a pretty soft performance, being openly roasted by their football director, with the prospect of a home game playing a team who’d won four of their last 40, being absolutely on like no-one’s business and doing a number. ‘Giants by a street’ was the bet of the round. So how much were the Blues on a hiding to nothing before a ball was even bounced, why was there such a shock?

2.       As for the victors, so let’s get this straight. Only team to beat the flag favourite, and down at Geelong too, yet one bad game against Hawthorn and they’re a failure. But now, after a dominant performance which showed they are as ruthless as it gets, they’re a favourite again? This column sticks fat, everyone else changes like the Melbourne weather.

3.       Geez, Matty Lloyd, the velvet sledgehammer got soft. Said about Shane Mumford on Marc Murphy “I don’t think he should play this week… his eyes are nowhere near the ball, his eyes are only on Murphy.” Reckons he should have been offered two weeks suspension. Now Matthew, Chrisso assessed it as “…Mumford’s actions were not unreasonably in the circumstances. No further action was taken.” Exactly, it’s a contact sport Lloydy, bloody hell.

4.       Speaking of the former Carlton skipper, he’ll miss a few games now with ribs, but why is he playing in the seniors whilst four-time premiership legend Jaryd Roughead is languishing his last year of footy at Box Hill. If Rough is playing VFL, then the Northern Blues should be where Murphy plays too.

5.       Daisy cops seven and a half gorillas for calling an umpire a cheat. Hmm, surely an apology is all that needs, I mean sure it’s not a great word and umpires need the respect, but that’s a massive whack, especially when it didn’t make the umpires mics so it was just the boundary umpire having a whinge.

6.       Last one on Carlton – Sam Walsh. Number one pick, one of the favourites for the Rising Star, will be a 200-game jet at a minimum. But is he even the best midfielder from his draft class? Those this column trust suggest Bailey Smith, this week’s rising star nominee, will end up the better player and the Dogs, should they have had pick one last year, would have chosen Smith over Walsh. Time will tell, but Doggies fans have got themselves an absolute beauty if nothing else.

7.       On the Doggies, hows the Luke Beveridge vs. Damien Barrett saga. I had a stoush once, it barely lasted a week. This has been years. And the latest episode was on Barrett’s reporting of Tom Boyd a couple years ago, the mental illness vs. back complaint conversation. Regardless, there’s ego on both sides, neither is completely in the right, but players would run through brick walls and win flags for Bevo, whereas the other is getting flogged everywhere for football’s four hundredth best podcast. Sod off Damo.

8.       Mid-season draft on Monday, some clubs will find some much needed talent to keep them in the race for the eight, such as Essendon who might look for a backup in the ruck. But others have an eye to the future. If there’s a guy in the VFL or SANFL who might be a second round or third round pick come the end of the year, why not snare him now and stash him, freeing up the pick you’d used in November? Not the intention of the draft but as always the AFL instils new ideas ridden with loopholes to exploit.

9.       I know it’s a broken record but seriously, West Coast can’t win it, I know they’re seen by some as one of only five chances, but unless they tweak something that changes how they look, or Naitanui’s return adds something really different, they haven’t evolved from last year when one always must evolve. Melbourne if they were any good would have toppled them. They’re 6-3 and sitting sixth, or equal third, but with a % of an even 100 – it’s a false record.

10.   Dees scoring, awful. Jayden Hunt with 11 goals is leading their goal-kicking, Jake Melksham next on 10. Christian Petracca is playing as a forward moreso than in the guts and only eight goals. It’s shit.

11.   Brisbane has only four games left against teams in the eight right now – job done, they kinda have to make finals now, well done Fagan and team.

12.   Gotta say it, is the eight done?

13.   Trav Varcoe, its probably a week, sure, but gee, for Indigenous Round where the Pies wear a jumper which honours the life and tragedy that was Varcoe’s sister, Maggie, who died sadly from an accident on the football field. Can we all agree he plays this week but serves his suspension the round after perhaps?

14.   Another reason I think the Cats and Pies are too short for flag odds and the Tigers as premiership threats loom large – Geelong has used 28 players, Collingwood 27, Richmond though, 33.

15.   Gold Coast, sure Stuey Dew has been seen to so far have done a good job, but they’re back down to third last, two of their three wins were by under a kick and possess a worse % than Carlton. Dew’s getting a pass mark yet Bolton is cooked?

16.   St Kilda, should have won, plain and simple. But they’ll be ok, they’ve got good bits to work with, Billings, Gresham, Dunstan, Steele, nice pieces, stay patient, ride the course.

17.   Sunday at the MCG, two tall forwards on a nice dry day played ok games. One had nine touches and six marks, the other seven touches and five marks. One has played 140 games and is on a million bucks, the other was playing his seventh and is getting peanuts. Tom Lynch. Mitchell Lewis. If you’re a Hawks fan, you would have walked away upset about the loss but happy the highly-prized recruit at the other end is no better than your tall forward.

18.   The Adam Goodes doco goes public in a couple weeks but a few have already seen it. Regardless of whether we all agree there was ‘some’ racism involved or it was literally about he and his character only and skin had nothing to do with it, the portrayal of the booing in his final year is coming from a deliberately controlled angle and it paints the AFL, the media and the football public badly. But we must remember its ‘an’ angle, only. Did at least one racist boo Adam Goodes? Most definitely. Did everyone booing him do so because he was Indigenous, or ‘not-white’. Most definitely not. Tarnishing the masses with the same brush hey, that’s always inclusive. Don’t listen to those in the media towing the politically correct line. Same thing with Scott Pendlebury ANZAC Day. Booing for different reasons, sure, but what I do know is that the outrage and the act with that did not marry. 

I’ll close with this - I like Bachar Houli, I like Majak Daw and I like Lin Jong. I like Eddie Betts, Travis Varcoe and Cathy Freeman. I don’t hate Adam Goodes, I thoroughly respect his football ability, but he wasn’t my cup of English breakfast, even before he pointed out the girl who absolutely did the wrong thing that night at the MCG. Now I’m not a booer but I have no broad issue with booing in between sirens. Am I racist?

19.   Next year is 50 years since the famous first semi-final between St Kilda and South Melbourne in front of 104,000, the Saints big winners on the day but a landmark occasion for both clubs trying to compete with the Carltons, Collingwoods and Essendons of the day. Said it before but now with an anniversary to commemorate it, Saints v Swans, Queens Birthday eve, Sunday primetime, Sydney wearing a South jumper, a match to honour rivalry that for a long time spawned from being either end of Albert Park Lake, but two storied tribes who played a massive part in the growth of the competition in this city.

20.   Some cricket to end with, the World Cup is fast approaching and the home nation are raging favourites. England seemingly score 400 at will and scorers are prepared for a 500 at some point perhaps. But here’s the dirty secret, the entire England batting prowess sits with their openers – Jason Roy and Jonny Bairstow. From there, Joe Root is awesome but not Sachin Tendulkar, Ben Stokes ain’t Viv Richards, and its ho hum from there. Bowling unit is good but no better than anyone else’s, so if you can get an opener or both cheaply, they’re just, well, England. But you let them get 150 for the first wicket, you’re screwed.

[wbwest]

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West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 6/9/17

  In an interesting shake-up over at CBS, Erinn Hayes has been let go from her role as wife to Kevin James in Kevin Can Wait. They say that the show is going in a new direction, which necessitated the firing. But here’s where it gets interesting. Leah Remini, who played James’s wife on King of Queens, popped up in the season finale as James’ former cop partner. Well, just before announcing Hayes’s departure, CBS announced that Remini would be joining the show next season as a series regular. Now, if you’ve never seen Kevin Can Wait, Kevin James plays a former NYC cop who tries to figure out how to adjust to his recent retirement. Based on the season finale, though, it seems like James’s character might be coming out of retirement. It’s just a strange move, seeing as how the show ended the season as the #1 new comedy on network TV – hardly a situation that necessitated a retooling of the show. Part of what critics praised was Hayes’s portrayal of James’s wife of 20 years. How do you just gloss over that relationship? I mean, they’ve gotta kill her off, but unless you do a time jump, you’ve gotta slog through all the grief stuff, which doesn’t lend itself well to a multicam comedy. And if they’re gonna fast track a relationship between James and Remini, will the audience accept it? It really feels like they blew a sure thing and, if they wanted to recreate The King of Queens, thy should’ve just revived The King of Queens! I’ve said that online since Kevin was announced!

Speaking of Remini, I’m starting to think she’s a Scientology double agent. Bear with me here: Scientology is a well-connected organization in Hollywood that allegedly has the power to ruin your career with the information that they have on their members. If you ever leave the church, you’re pretty much done. Just look at the list of former Scientologists. On that list, Remini and Jeffrey Tambor are the one ones who even have a semblance of a steady career right now, and Tambor kinda skirted the issue by saying he never really joined the church. Remini, however, joined up as a child, and was a HUGE booster of the church. Then, in 2013, she turned on the church – not for its negative views on homosexuality (which is why Crash director Paul Haggis left) or its alleged illegal activities. No, she left because she got her feelings hurt after leadership clapped back at her. At Tom Cruise’s wedding to Katie Holmes, Remini asked why church leader David Miscavige’s wife wasn’t in attendance, and they basically told her she didn’t have clearance for that info (formal speak for “Nunyo Biznazz”). She didn’t trust that answer, and went further to file a missing persons report on Mrs. Miscavige. Then, she made it her mission to publicly discredit Miscavige, criticizing his leadership, citing reports of abuse in the Sea Org, and more. She went straight to the TOP with her blame game, yet NOTHING has happened to her. In fact, it’s probably rejuvenated her career. She got a successful show on A&E called Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath, where she’s basically telling all their secrets. When the show debuted, the church issued a statement attacking her. Yet, she’s working more now than she was before. So, there’s two things happening here: either Scientology isn’t as powerful and litigious as we’ve been led to believe OR they’re in on it. It’s yin and yang. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. While Scientology has its critics, it never really had an enemy before. Why not create one where they could control the narrative? It’s like learning that Captain America has secretly been Hydra the whole time. Long story short, I’m not entirely convinced she’s left the church, especially over something as trivial as what’s reported to have started the whole thing. And she’s laughing all the way to the bank.

In other TV news, Tia and Tamera Mowry (yeah, they got married and have new hyphenated last names, but I ain’t got time for all that) are trying to get a Sister, Sister revival off the ground. And I don’t know anyone who wants this. If you were cool back in the 90s you probably never watched Sister, Sister, where a set of adopted twins didn’t realize they were twins until a chance meeting in a department store, a la The Parent Trap. Then they all move in together. It was the definition of “mediocre”, yet once ABC canceled it, it gained a new life over on The WB. The most memorable thing about it was that Marques “Batman” Houston, of the R&B group Immature/IMx, played their annoying neighbor Roger (kinda like a watered down Steve Urkel), and they’d constantly yell “Go home, Roger!” at him. Other than that, it was just a bunch of zany, mistaken identity twin shit – stuff that I’d hope adult Tia and Tamera had outgrown by now. What’s the story to tell? They both get divorced, and move in together with their kids? Sorry, Kate & Allie, Getting By, and the upcoming Raven’s Home have already covered that old chestnut. Are they single in the city, doing the same twin shit? Not interested. I don’t have a lot of faith in this one getting picked up, though, because they’re far behind where they need to be. Right now, they say they’re looking for a show runner to guide the project, but then they’d have to find a network. Sister, Sister was NO Full House, so I doubt Netflix would be interested. If anything, the only place I’d put it right now would probably be Freeform, even though the twins are slightly older than the target demo of that channel. Let this just be a lesson that not everything needs to be revived.

In other television news, DC’s Legends of Tomorrow has cast Tala Ashe as Muslim “hacktivist” Zari Adrianna Tomaz for season 3. She’s a computer whiz from 2030, so basically the team’s got their own Oracle/Felicity now – not that they really need it, with Gideon and all. Anyway, in comics Tomaz is actually an Egyptian who uses the Amulet of Isis to transform into the hero Isis. Before the New 52 reboot of the DC Universe, Isis was an important character in the weekly series 52, as she was in a relationship with Black Adam, and her brother, Osiris, was eaten by Sobek. Oh, and she had a cheesy TV show in the 70s. None of that’s gonna be in the Legends, I’m sure. Given the current political climate, and how loaded the name “Isis” is right now, I doubt they’ll actually ever call her that onscreen, either.

Song of the Week

Today I give you “Vampires”, by The Midnight. My pal and thrifting partner, “Special Forces”, and I decided that this is the official theme song for Thrift Justice should it ever become a real show. Synthwave AND saxophone?! I wanna direct Skinemax movies just so I can score them with this entire album. So sexy. Right now, Thrift Justice is a USA drama circa 1990, and I ain’t got no problems with that!

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

Modern Family‘s Sarah Hyland will guest star on Freeform’s Shadowhunters, which kinda sounds like a step back…

Speaking of Freeform, they’ve ordered a pilot for an American adaptation of UK hit Misfits. The network is a good home for something like this, but I’m still pissed over the American adaptation of Skins, so…

Rudy Huxtable herself, Keshia Knight Pulliam, escorted TV dad Bill Cosby to the first day of his rape trial. Whatever. Call me when Lisa Bonet shows up.

In next level pettiness, Taylor Swift put her entire catalog back on Spotify at midnight – at the very moment Katy Perry released her album “Witness”

According to Dan Aykroyd, Paul Feig blew his chance at a Ghostbusters sequel because he overran his budget on unnecessary reshoots. Sony refuted the figures Aykroyd presented, saying the estimates were off by about NINETY percent. Woo!

Jennifer Connelly will join Daveed Diggs in TNT’s Snowpiercer pilot, playing the person who makes the daily announcements on the train. Exciting!

Tom Cruise revealed that the title of the Top Gun sequel will be Top Gun: Maverick. I wonder if John McCain has any feelings about that. Coherent feelings, not ramblings about the Diamondbacks…

Speaking of Cruise, his The Mummy reboot opens today, and reviewers have called it “the worst Tom Cruise movie ever”. Wow.

Singer/actress/sister of Ray J Brandy was found unconscious on a Delta flight, and the doctor who came to her rescue was reportedly Kim Kardashian’s uncle! Considering Ray J put that family on the map, I figure it’s time the Kardashians did something to return the favor.

Gotham stars Morena Baccarin and Ben McKenzie got married. Knowing that show, it’ll probably revealed that they’re Bruce’s real parents or some shit. It’s not like it pays attention to any of the rest of the lore, so why not?

Fox canceled 24 Legacy after a low-rated single season, but they’re still committed to the 24 brand. They’re reportedly developing an anthology series to take the show back to its real-time roots

Like Peter denied Jesus, Jerry Seinfeld denied THREE requests for a hug from Kesha. I don’t blame him!

In one of the strangest deals I’ve ever heard of, Epix has inked a deal to stream its content directly to 2018 Honda Odyssey  minivans

Sony will begin selling clean versions of some of their hit movies. If you’ve ever accidentally bought a clean version of an album from Walmart, you can see why this decision might anger some folks

Hank Williams Jr is back singing the opening to Monday Night Football for the first time since 2011. I guess all his rowdy friends will be over after they finish burning a few more crosses…

George and Amal Clooney welcomed twins Ella and Alexander

Former Power Rangers director/producer/fight coordinator Koichi Sakamoto will direct the upcoming Ultraman Geed series, focusing on the son of the evil Ultraman Belial. Yeah, those words mean something to someone out there.

Newcomer Blu Hunt has been cast as Danielle Moonstar in the upcoming New Mutants spinoff of the X-Men films.

A live action adaptation of Cowboy Bebop is being developed, and my heart weeps. As one of the few anime series I’ve watched, and loved, I kinda hope this dies in development hell

Hackers released 8 stolen episodes of ABC’s upcoming game show, Funderdome, and nobody cared.

Donald Glover will be retiring her Childish Gambino hip hop persona after his next album.

We got our first poster for the Black Panther film.

Last week I gave my opinions and feelings on the movie. This week, I’m just gonna stick to the facts:

92% on Rotten Tomatoes

$103 million opening weekend domestic box office

$220 million opening weekend global box office

Third highest opening for a DC film

Most successful female-directed film

Mot expensive female-directed film, with a budget of $150 million

Most tweeted about movie of 2017, with 2.19 million tweets

Won Best In Show and Best Fantasy/Adventure at the Golden Trailer Awards

Last Saturday, Wonder Woman Day was celebrated at comic shops around the world

You’ve seen it by now, right? RIGHT?! Then, what are you waiting for? For these reasons, and more, Wonder Woman once again had the West Week Ever.

[zeroviraluniverse-blog]

15 Antiquated Words for 'Happy' We Should Bring Back

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15 Antiquated Words for 'Happy' We Should Bring Back

William Shakespeare devised new words and countless plot tropes that still appear in everyday life. Famous quotes from his plays are easily recognizable; phrases like “To be or not to be,” “wherefore art thou, Romeo,” and “et tu, Brute?” instantly evoke images of wooden stages and Elizabethan costumes. But an incredible number of lines from his plays have become so ingrained into modern vernacular that we no longer recognize them as lines from plays at all. Here are 21 phrases you use but may not have known came from the Bard of Avon.

1. “WILD GOOSE CHASE” // ROMEO AND JULIET, ACT II, SCENE IV

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“Nay, if our wits run the wild-goose chase, I am done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?” — Mercutio

This term didn’t originally refer to actual geese, but rather a type of horse race.

2. “GREEN-EYED MONSTER” // OTHELLO, ACT III, SCENE III

iStock

“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.” — Iago

Before Shakespeare, the color green was most commonly associated with illness. Shakespeare turned the notion of being sick with jealousy into a metaphor that we still use today.

3. “PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW” // HAMLET, ACT III, SCENE I AND THE WINTER’S TALE, ACT IV, SCENE IV

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“Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a nunnery, go.” — Hamlet

“Lawn as white as driven snow.” — Autolycus

Though Shakespeare never actually used the full phrase “pure as the driven snow,” both parts of it appear in his work. For the record, this simile works best right after the snow falls, and not a few hours later when tires and footprints turn it into brown slush.

4. “SEEN BETTER DAYS” // AS YOU LIKE IT, ACT II, SCENE VII

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“True is it that we have seen better days and have with holy bell been knolled to church, and sat at good men’s feasts and wiped our eyes of drops that sacred pity hath engendered.” — Duke Senior

The first recorded use of “seen better days” actually appeared in Sir Thomas More in 1590, but the play was written anonymously, and is often at least partially attributed to Shakespeare. We do know Shakespeare was a fan of the phrase; he uses “seen better days” in As You Like It, and then again in Timon of Athens.

5. “OFF WITH HIS HEAD” // RICHARD III, ACT III, SCENE IV

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“If? Thou protector of this damnèd strumpet, talk’st thou to me of “ifs”? Thou art a traitor—Off with his head.” — Richard III

The Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland wasn’t the first monarch with a penchant for liberating heads from bodies. Her famous catchphrase came from Shakespeare first.

6. “FOREVER AND A DAY” // AS YOU LIKE IT, ACT IV, SCENE I

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“Now tell me how long you would have her after you have possessed her.” — Rosalind

“Forever and a day” — Orlando

We have the Bard to thank for this perfect fodder for Valentine’s Day cards and middle school students’ love songs.

7. “GOOD RIDDANCE” // TROILUS AND CRESSIDA, ACT II, SCENE I

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[Thersites exits]

“A good riddance.” — Patroclus

Where would Green Day be without Shakespeare’s riposte? In addition to acoustic ballad titles, “good riddance” also applies well to exes, house pests (both human and insect), and in-laws.

8. “FAIR PLAY” // THE TEMPEST, ACT V, SCENE I

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“Yes, for a score of kingdoms you should wrangle, and I would call it fair play.” — Miranda

Prospero’s daughter never would have been able to predict that “fair play” is used more often now in sports than it is for the negotiation of kingdoms.

9. “LIE LOW” // MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING, ACT V, SCENE I

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“If he could right himself with quarreling, some of us would lie low.” — Antonio

Shakespeare’s plays contain brilliant wisdom that still applies today. In “lie low,” he concocted the perfect two-word PR advice for every celebrity embroiled in a scandal.

10. “IT’S GREEK TO ME” // JULIUS CAESAR, ACT I, SCENE II

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“Nay, an I tell you that, Ill ne’er look you i’ the face again: but those that understood him smiled at one another and shook their heads; but, for mine own part, it was Greek to me.” — Casca

“It’s all Greek to me” might possibly be the most intelligent way of telling someone that you have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

11. “AS GOOD LUCK WOULD HAVE IT” // THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR, ACT III, SCENE V

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“As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford’s approach; and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.” — Falstaff

Determining whether a Shakespeare play is a comedy or a tragedy can largely be boiled down to whether good luck would have anything for the characters.

12. “YOU’VE GOT TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND” // HAMLET, ACT III, SCENE IV

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“So, again, good night. I must be cruel only to be kind. Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.” — Hamlet

Here’s an idiom that proves just because a character in a Shakespeare play said it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always true. Hamlet probably isn’t the best role model, especially given the whole accidentally-stabbing-someone-behind-a-curtain thing.

13. “LOVE IS BLIND” // THE MERCHANT OF VENICE, ACT II, SCENE VI

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“But love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit, for if they could Cupid himself would blush to see me thus transformèd to a boy.” — Jessica

Chaucer actually wrote the phrase (“For loue is blynd alday and may nat see”) in The Merchant’s Tale in 1405, but it didn’t become popular and wasn’t seen in print again until Shakespeare wrote it down. Now, “love is blind” serves as the three-word explanation for any seemingly unlikely couple.

14. “BE-ALL, END-ALL” // MACBETH, ACT I, SCENE VII

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“If the assassination could trammel up the consequence, and catch with his surcease success; that but this blow might be the be-all and the end-all here, but here, upon this bank and shoal of time, we’d jump the life to come.” — Macbeth

Macbeth uses the phrase just as he’s thinking about assassinating King Duncan and, ironically, as anyone who’s familiar with the play knows, the assassination doesn’t turn out to be the “end all” after all.

15. “BREAK THE ICE” // THE TAMING OF THE SHREW, ACT I, SCENE II

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“If it be so, sir, that you are the man must stead us all, and me amongst the rest, and if you break the ice and do this feat, achieve the elder, set the younger free for our access, whose hap shall be to have her will not so graceless be to be ingrate.” — Tranio (as Lucentio)

If you want to really break the ice, the phrase appears to have come from Thomas North, whose translation of Plutarch’s Lives of the Noble Grecians and Romans provided much of the inspiration for Shakespeare’s ancient word plays. This is a great meta “did you know” fact for getting to know someone at speed dating.

16. “HEART OF GOLD” // HENRY V, ACT IV, SCENE I

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“The king’s a bawcock, and a heart of gold, a lad of life, an imp of fame, of parents good, of fist most valiant.” — Pistol

Turns out, the phrase “heart of gold” existed before Douglas Adams used it as the name of the first spaceship to use the Infinite Improbability Drive in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

17. “KILL WITH KINDNESS” // THE TAMING OF THE SHREW, ACT IV, SCENE 1

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“This is a way to kill a wife with kindness, and thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humor.” — Petruchio

The Shakespeare canon would contain a lot fewer dead bodies if his characters all believed they should kill their enemies with kindness instead of knives and poison.

18. “KNOCK, KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?” // MACBETH, ACT II, SCENE III

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“Knock, knock! Who’s there, in th’ other devil’s name?” — Porter

Though high school students suffering through English class may disagree, Shakespeare was a master of humor in his works, writing both slapstick comedy and sophisticated wordplay. And, as the Porter scene in Macbeth illustrates, he’s also the father of the knock-knock joke.

19. “LIVE LONG DAY” // JULIUS CAESAR, ACT I, SCENE I

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“To towers and windows, yea, to chimney tops, your infants in your arms, and there have sat the livelong day with patient expectation to see great Pompey pass the streets of Rome.” — Mureless

Today, the phrase “live long day” is pretty much exclusively reserved for those who have been working on the railroad.

20. “YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING” // AS YOU LIKE IT, ACT IV, SCENE I

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“Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?— Come, sister, you shall be the priest and marry us.—Give me your hand, Orlando.—What do you say, sister?” — Rosalind

Modern readers often call Shakespeare a visionary, far ahead of his time. For example: he was able to write about desiring too much of a good thing 400 years before chocolate-hazelnut spread was widely available.

21. “THE GAME IS AFOOT” // HENRY V, ACT III, SCENE I

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“The game’s afoot: follow your spirit, and upon this charge cry ‘God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'” — King Henry V

Nope! It wasn’t Sir Arthur Conan Doyle who coined this phrase—Sherlock Holmes’ most famous catchphrase comes from Henry V, although both characters do often tend to find themselves around dead bodies.