#Winston is bad at explaining things to five year-olds

[overwatch-does-stuff]

A Summary On Chronal Disassociation and Gravitic Fluxes

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WINSTON’S NOTES- DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE WINSTON!

Athena suggested that I try to write out my line of thinking in simpler language, as to get the basics down before I get into the “nitty-gritty” of the matter. It reminded me of something that Dr. Winston said to one of his co-workers back on Horizon, something along the lines of “if you can’t explain it to a five year-old, you don’t understand what you’re talking about”. Wise advice indeed! While I don’t have any five year-olds around, and anyone I would show this to certainly wouldn’t be five, haha, I figured it was worth a shot just to get my ideas straight.

So, where to start?

Let’s start with Lena. It’s always good to start with what one knows rather than what one doesn’t. Anyway.

Lena has acute chronal disassociation. Chronal disassociation is a condition where the particles that make up the body spontaneously detach themselves from their current time and place and reappear in a different time and place. To the extent of Lena and I’s observations, this does not include inter-dimensional or alter-dimensional travel. Even if there were such things as alternate timelines, her disassociation through space and time would not create them due to the transient nature of her travel, but that’s getting beside the point.

My chronal accelerator design (it’s not really an accelerator, per say, more of a harness, but the name seemed to stick) keeps Lena in this current timeline by. . . hmm, keeping it simple simple. . .  kind of in a way that a quantum computer works. (No, that’s not simple! Think, think. . .) Quantum computers work by having infinite states of existence, which the computer infrastructure is able to control what state is active at which time. The chronal accelerator uses very much the same principle- it essentially “tells” Lena’s particles where to exist and in what state.

Now, that status is programmable, allowing Lena to alter her state at will (within certain safety parameters, of course!). With the aid of the accelerator, she can manipulate when her particles exist (such as restoring herself to a younger and undamaged time) and where her particles exist (such as moving herself on the X and Y axes, although it must be someplace she could reasonably get to using her own two feet. She cannot fly, for example.)

Now. . . here’s where things get. . . interesting. Lena, I hope you’re not reading this without me.

Chronal Disassociation is transferable. Not contagious! Lena is not dangerous to herself or anyone around her, even without the accelerator! But it is transferable. She does have the ability, with familiarity and practice, to disassociate other particles and reassemble them in another location. This idea is obvious to anyone who thinks to ask the question of why her clothing and weapons travel with her whenever she blinks or recalls. In the early days, in fact, we ran several experiments with the accelerator to make sure that she wouldn’t teleport the oxygen molecules out of her lungs, since the air she breathed wasn’t the same air that was involved with the Slipstream incident. I was genuinely concerned that she might suffocate should she ever try to blink!

I digress. The fact of the matter is, Lena can control the timeline of particles around her. Not just her own bodily particles, but the particles around her. While she herself is hesitant to acknowledge it, her condition isn’t just a condition- it’s a power.

Which leads me to the next, far less pleasant topic, and the real reason why I’m typing all this out.

Dr. Siebren de Kuiper underwent an unknown procedure of events and has now arrived under my study with the power to control gravity. To make matters worse, in between that unknown event and now, Talon got to him first and already constructed a kind of “harness” for him. A “harness” that’s highly invasive and shoddily built compared to my inventions (and that’s saying something, my chronal accelerator notwithstanding!) I’ve been working night and day not only to understand the basics of how his power works, but also how that harness is supposed to function in relation to that.

What I’ve got so far is pretty crude. I think Dr. de Kuiper has some kind of control over quantum gravitons, aka the particles that transmit the force we all know as gravity. The more gravitons he creates or gathers on an object, the more gravity exerted. Similarly, he has the ability to destroy or scatter Earth’s normal gravitons, which reduces the amount of gravity exerted on an object. On the large scale, it functions almost as a kind of basic telekinesis from a superhero movie.

If that theory is correct, de Kuiper must have an astounding amount of control. We’re talking septillions, octillions, maybe even nonillions or decillions (stupid huge numbers, forgot to keep it simple) of individual graviton particles that he’s manipulating here. The crude “harness” that Talon strapped into him (I mean literally INTO him, into his brain) must help him with that in some regard. Whether the technology controls the particles for him or if it simply helps him “feel” or “visualize” them better, I have no idea.

According to de Kuiper himself, aboard the ISS, he experienced what he called a “singularity”. Now, his language was very. . . flowery and unscientific, but given the subject matter he’s trying to describe I don’t blame him. Most disturbingly, however, it matches Lena’s description of the Slipstream incident almost perfectly. Lena (the much more reliable narrator of the two,) described the sensation as being “everywhere at once, “not knowing which way was up or down”, and “feeling incredibly old yet only lasting a few seconds”.

Lena doesn’t talk about the Slipstream accident. I highly, highly doubt she said anything about it to de Kuiper before he recounted his story for me. While his testimony is dubious, the events he described were too close to hers for me to dismiss them as coincidental storytelling.

As a result of this seemingly identical incident, he now has control over his own particles and the particles around him.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though! Lena’s powers and de Kuiper’s powers are two fundamentally different things. De Kuiper exhibits no control over any other subatomic particle, only the gravitons, which is an important distinction. Lena’s power is indiscriminate- the reason she can’t “fly” like he can is that she takes the gravitons in her body with her when she teleports and can’t separate them out. She certainly doesn’t have individual molecular control, whereas de Kuiper might, but only for gravitons as I mentioned. And then there’s his “melody”, which he claims is related to the fluctuations of his power, but that’s likely just to be how his psyche deals with the associated trauma. I mean, Lena isn’t crazy enough to report hearing music.

But. . . it is important to remember that time and gravity are related quantities. I haven’t been able to tell de Kuiper’s physical age in the very same way that it’s impossible to tell Lena’s based on DNA testing. It’s common knowledge that the greater the gravitational field, the slower time passes within that field. I suspect that de Kuiper is physically younger than the amount of time that has passed since his supposed death.

Does this mean that de Kuiper could have control over time? Does this mean that Lena could be unwittingly manipulating gravity? I have my doubts. There’s a lot of caveats with this “theory” that are only visible when talking about the more complex science. 

Regardless, I’ve cautioned Lena over and over again not to let de Kuiper use his powers on her, just in case. Even if their powers aren’t connected, I don’t want to discover any sort of strange reaction that could cause Lena to disassociate for good. I just hope she listens. 

Alright. Let’s get back to work now on the real science of it. I’m not sure how useful this exercise really was, but I suppose I can use it as a quick reference or something.

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[anightflower]

Come and Find Me Chapter 4: The Andrew Curtis Case

Guys I am so sorry this took so long. On top of school kicking my ass, I had to rewrite and reedit this chapter several times until I got to one that I deemed worthy. I am going to try and post Chapter Five early for you guys if I can. 

Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of Violence, Rape, Abuse

Masterlist 

Spencer glanced around the room at all the police officers assembled. He cleared his throat. 

“The Unsub is a white male in his late 20s to mid-30s. He is a man with an average build and a friendly face, someone who women would not pose as a threat.”

“Since there were no signs of forced entry, we believe he’s posing as someone who women would let into their house. Classic cases of this include maintenance men there to check up on things, someone who needs help after their car broke down, or a similar case like that.” Emily explained. “This is a man who fakes confidence, but in reality views himself as inadequate in some way, he knows he can’t fight off another man, so he chooses women who live alone and are essentially defenseless.” 

“Yet, he hates that they are successful enough to support themselves or that they have any sort of power.” Morgan chimed in.

“He clearly was cheated on or had some sort of marital issue that caused him to spiral into this spree. He is a sexual sadist projecting his partner onto the women he attacks, that’s why he chokes them, watching the life drain from their eyes sparks something in him and gives him a sense of power. That is also why he rapes his victims, he loves the idea that he is all powerful and they are helpless.” Hotch explained. 

Spencer swallowed, “Comparing his last four victims it seems his type is 20-30 year old females with (Y/C/H) and (Y/C/E).” 

Which coincidentally looks like the love of my life. Spencer thought, repressing a shudder.

________________________________________________________________

Spencer starred in shock at the scene around him. He was just finishing up the geographical profile, when they had received a call about yet another body. 

Her empty bulking eyes stared up at the ceiling, her body was beaten, cut, and bruised. 

“Strangulation marks on her neck, multiple stab wounds and injuries, this looks like our unsub.” Emily resisted the urge to shudder. 

“Man, whoever cheated on this guy, must have really broken him.” Morgan mused, looking around at the bloody scribblings on the wall. 

Spencer knew that if they tested the blood on the wall, it would match the victims. He looked at the frames on the wall, trying to ignore the blood that seemed to coat everything. The victim had her diploma hung up and multiple pictures of her smiling with family or friends. Spencer stared hard at the name on the diploma; Adria Winston.

It scared Spencer how easily he could see you in this woman’s place. Injured, dying, pleading for him, for anyone to save you-

“Reid. Reid, are you alright?” Morgan clapped a hand on Spencer's shoulder, drawing him back to the present. 

Spencer shook himself out of his dazed state. “Yeah, uh I just need to step out for a second.” He said, pushing past Morgan and making his way outside Adria’s house. He pulled out his phone and dialed your number, it was late, so you would most likely be asleep, but-

You picked up on the third ring. “Hi baby, are you alright?” Spencer bit back a smile at the sleepiness in your voice.

“Not really, but I just really needed to hear your voice. How is Ohio?” Spencer asked, trying to distract himself from what he just saw. You could tell, but you played along with it. 

“Not too bad, whoever designed the Google lounge has nothing on me.” You joked. 

“Well, we already knew that.” Spencer smiled. 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe some of the cool stuff I found, I’m telling you if the employees complain about these amazing comfy chairs I got for their break room, I am totally coming back and stealing all 22 of them for my apartment.” You said enthusiastically. “They're perfect for reading in Spence, I’m telling you, you would love them.” 

Spencer let out a little laugh, “I’m sure they are. We will have to see if we can find some, but I don’t think 22 will fit in either of our apartments.” 

“I suppose you’re right” You sighed dramatically, but then took a more serious tone of voice. “Are you alright baby?” 

Spencer’s chest tightened at your worried tone of voice. “There’s a sick selfish part of me that is so glad that you aren’t here (Y/N). All of these girls look so much like you-” Spencer paused, swallowing back tears. “I just am so glad you are safe, I don’t think I could focus as well on this case if I knew you could possibly be in danger.” 

“Aw Spencer, I am so sorry baby. You aren’t sick or selfish for wanting me to be safe, everyone focuses on the safety of those they love, it’s only human. I know you are going to catch this guy, you are the most brilliant man and agent I have ever met. Just don’t tell your team I said that, I don’t want a bad reputation before they even meet me.” You teased, trying to lighten his dark mood. 

Spencer let out a small laugh and sniffled. “Trust me the team is going to love you. We will have to figure out when you can meet them, but I definitely want to wait until things settle down a bit here.” 

There was silence on your end for a second. “Listen Spence, I can stay here a bit longer if it will help you focus, but when I come home I am taking self-defense classes and such. I want you to have a sane mind knowing that your girlfriend actually can handle herself. I honestly think it will help me keep sane too, after hearing everything about this case.” 

Spencer heart skipped a beat, as much as he wanted you safe and sound, he also needed to hold you in his arms to keep his sanity. But ultimately you were the one who should lead your life, not Spencer.  “I appreciate you considering me, but I want the ultimate decision to be made by you Princess, I trust your judgement and I don’t want you living your life based on my fear.” 

You breath caught in your throat at the sentiment. “I love you Spencer Reid.” 

Spencer could have sworn his heart stopped. The two of you hadn’t said I love you yet. Part of him wished it was in person, but just hearing you say it, meant the world to him. “I love you more (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

So help him god, Spencer would catch whoever this unsub was and put him away, so you could come home to a safer city. 

________________________________________________________________

“You know what strikes me as funny?” Emily asked, looking at the crime scene photos. 

The room was silent, waiting to hear what she had to say. 

“Each of these unsubs reported strange gifts and letters being sent to their home. The police had thought it was nothing, but now I am thinking that maybe this could be a connection. I mean think about it, didn’t you guys notice that each victim received a gift box wrapped the exact same way?” 

Morgan nodded. “Yeah they had the white box with the red bow-”

Spencer chimed in, “Red typically symbolizes love and infatuation, but in this case it was the unsub’s warning, red meant war or violence was about to come upon this victim.” 

“Reid and JJ I want you to talk to the officers and get the reports these women filed for harassment, I think we are missing a connection.” Hotch ordered. 

An hour or so later they had that connection.  

“All of the victims received their gifts from a delivery service called ‘Special Delivery.’” JJ explained to everyone. 

“Well it seems we have to pay them a visit.” Hotch said. 

________________________________________________________________

Special Delivery was a small Ma and Pa store, located just a couple blocks from Ava’s coffee shop. Spencer debated on stopping in to check in with her and maybe grab the team coffee. 

Spencer had quickly taken a liking to Ava, not only because he had called him your “sexy superhero boyfriend,” but because she was a reliable friend to you, one who always managed to bring a smile to your face. She reminded Spencer of a more wild Emily, in the best way possible.

Emily stopped outside the storefront window, glancing at the display of chocolates, gift baskets, and jewelry. “Why is it always the cute small places that get ruined? Can’t it be one of those big corporate offices that fuck over their employees instead?” 

Spencer huffed a laugh. 

As they entered the store, the bell let out a delicate twinkle. Causing a silver-streaked brunette to pop out from the back of the store. Her round face held a warm smile as she approached them. 

“Hello dears! What can I do for you?” She asked as she excitedly clasped her hands together.

“Hello Mrs. Ellison, my name is SSA Prentiss and this is Dr. Reid, we had a few questions for you.” Emily said gently, flashing her badge to the woman. 

The woman's smile dimmed a bit, “Oh, uh of course, is everything alright?” 

“Mrs. Ellison I am sure you’ve heard of the recent tragedies-” Emily began, 

“Oh yes, I’ve been keeping up with the news, it’s just dreadful that something so horrible could happen so close to home. You see these things in movies or in other places, but you just never expect them to happen right near you.” Mrs. Ellison said sorrowfully, wrapping her arms around herself. 

“Mrs. Ellison, I am afraid everyone of these victims received several deliveries from your shop. Each was wrapped exactly the same, white box, red bow, does this ring any bells for you?” Spencer asked, cutting to the chase. 

“Well dear, it is Valentine season, red, pink, and white are the typical go to colors.” She shrugged. 

“Do you have any regulars? He would have each gift he bought wrapped the exact same way? He would seem friendly, but would be on the quieter side?” Emily asked, attempting to prod the older woman’s memory. 

“I’m afraid none of that is ringing any bells dear, I am so sorry.” Mrs. Ellison said apologetically. 

“Do you have any other employees? Or do you run this place all by yourself?” Spencer asked. 

Mrs. Ellison, let out a small laugh, “Oh goodness me, no. I get so many orders, I could never do it by myself. I previously had three employees, Jess, Remy, and Andrew, but I had to fire Andrew when I found him stealing from our stock. It was a shame too, he was a hardworking boy, but I’m afraid he just fell apart after his wife left him.”

Emily and Spencer exchanged a quick glance. “Do you happen to know why his wife left him?” Spencer asked, his heart picking up speed. 

“Oh it's not my business to share-” Mrs. Ellison hesitated. 

“Please Mrs. Ellison, this could be crucial information.” Emily urged her. 

Mrs. Ellison let out a sigh. “That horrible girl cheated on him. I just couldn’t understand it either, Drew was such a doting gentleman to her, it simply didn’t make sense.” 

“Do you still have his contact information? His address?” 

“Why of course, but you couldn’t possibly think he has anything to do with this-” Mrs. Ellison began, making her way to behind the counter to grab a binder. She looked up worried when Spencer and Emily didn’t answer right away. “Do you?” She urged. 

“It’s quite possible he had nothing to do with it, we just need to follow through with every angle.” Emily quickly explained. 

“Of course.” Mrs. Ellison said, but her hands slightly shook as she opened up her binder to get Andrew’s address. 

________________________________________________________________

“Andrew Curtis, this is the FBI, open up.” Hotch hollered from outside the door. There was no response. Hotch looked to his team to make sure they were ready, then kicked in the door. 

As the team checked different rooms, several calls of “Clear!” echoed throughout the house. Curtis was not there. 

Morgan made his way to the basement and swallowed back a gag. “Hotch! You better come see this.” 

Guns at the ready, Spencer, Hotch, Rossi, and Emily, made their way down to Morgan. 

“What the hell.” Emily huffed as they all beheld the horrific sight before them. 

It was a girl, for sure. She had the same mutilated marks as far as they could tell, but her body was decently decayed. 

“He’s displaying her like a trophy.” Spencer observed. “He props her up naked and makes sure her wounds are fully on display to remind him what he did.”

“There’s more trophies over here.” Rossi said in disgust, gesturing to a shelf full of different valuables. 

“He’s sick.” Morgan hissed. 

“We need a med team down here to remove a body. As soon as it’s IDed we need to know and alert any next of kin.” Hotch ordered into his earpiece. 

Rossi put on a glove and began to go through the other trophies for evidence. “I’ll talk to the victims families and see if any of them recognize these items.” 

Morgan dialed up Garcia. 

“Speak and be heard, the all-knowing goddess listens.” 

“Hey baby girl, I need you to look up any missing person’s reports from around this area. The victim has (y/c/h) and (y/c/e). She fits our victimology to a t, but we need to figure out who she is.”

“I’m on it.” Garcia said. 

“And Garcia,” Hotch said, stopping her before she hung up. “I need you to find a license plate for Andrew Curtis. Also check to see if he rents or owns any other property, he’s currently not at his home and it is too close to other buildings for his victims to not be heard.” 

“You got it. Talk soon.” She said, hanging up. 

About half an hour later Garcia got back to them. “Curtis drives a 2003 silver sedan with the license plate 637-IRT. I also found that he rents a small storage unit that’s a 20 minute drive in a more secluded part of town. I am sending the address to you guys now.” 

“Thanks Garcia.” Hotch said. He turned to JJ “I need you to get an APB on Curtis. I want you to warn the public to keep an eye out for him.” 

JJ nodded and rushed off with her phone. Hotch looked to the rest of the team. “Everyone else, vests on, we are heading to that storage unit.”

________________________________________________________________

“Fuck Drew, what are we going to do?” The boy asked as he looked at the screen projecting a news report on Andrew Curtis.

“Well, it might be the end for me, little brother, but I have you as my legacy. They don’t have a clue that you are even involved, so I need you to get out of here.”

“No, no, no. I am not going to leave you!” The Boy cried, tears streaming down his face. 

Drew huffed a laugh. “Now, now, little bro. It isn’t the time for tears. I’ve taught you everything you need to know. You need to get your girl from that Doctor remember?”

“How am I supposed to do this without you?” The Boy asked, fear filled his voice. 

“Your time will come. You have to be a man about this. You have the skills now and you have our little videos to watch. Your own little tutorial to pluck that girl right out of Dr. Reid’s hands. You need to hide those and hide them well. Promise me you won’t fuck up your chance.” Drew growled. 

The Boy whimpered and Drew smacked him. “Promise me!” He yelled. 

“I promise.” The Boy sobbed, grabbing at his pained cheek.

Drew’s face softened and he gave the boy a smile. “Good, now get out of here legacy and make me proud. I expect to see you on the news someday.” He winked. “You remember our code right?” 

The boy nodded. 

“Then this isn’t the last time we will speak to each other. Now get the fuck out of here, I already fucked with the security footage, so they won’t even know you were here.” Drew explained, pushing the boy out towards the parking lot. 

The Boy’s heart broke as he rushed from his mentor, not only because he knew he would never be able to see Drew in person after this, but because he knew that he would never be able to ruin the 6th victim. The sixth whore that was tied up in the trunk of Drew’s car. 

________________________________________________________________

The girl sobs were muffled by her gag. Drew pulled on her hair harder as he dragged her to the storage unit. He knew he didn’t have much time left, so he might as well let every moment count huh?

The girl’s sobs turned into terrified screams as she beheld the bloodied storage room and the various knives and devices within it. 

“Shut up you stupid bitch.” He growled in her ear.

The girl whimpered something and Drew ripped away her gag. 

“Please.” She begged and Drew simply laughed as he lugged her limp body towards the table in the center of the room.

“Please, just let me go. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I have a family who cares about me-” She pleaded. 

“Whores don’t have families. Whores have nothing. They just cheat and lie and move onto the next guy. Huh Madelyn?” He growled as he threw her up onto the table.

“My name isn’t Madelyn, please it’s Emily-” The girl sobbed.

“Enough of your lies Madelyn. You stupid slut. You couldn’t stay loyal could you?” Drew snarled, hitting the girl’s head hard against the table.

She sobbed harder. “My name is Emily, my name isn’t Madelyn, please it’s Emily.” She babbled.

“SHUT UP.” He said, hitting her again.

Suddenly a shout rose up from outside the storage unit door. “Andrew Curtis, this is the FBI, come out with your hands raised.” 

The smile that crept across Drew’s face was wicked. He grabbed a knife and pulled Emily against him. “Let’s have some fun, shall we?” He whispered in her ear. 

“Andrew Curtis, this is your last warning. We will come in armed and ready.” Hotch’s voice shouted again. 

Drew remained where he was, the sick smile on his face, as tears streamed down Emily’s face. 

When the door burst open and several agents poured in, he did not flinch or cower away. 

“Drop the weapon.” Hotch boomed, his voice echoing in the space.

“Now, now, now, where would the fun be in that?” Drew mocked. 

“Put down the weapon, Curtis and let the girl go.” Rossi ordered. 

Drew’s eyes looked past all of them and fell on Spencer, he bit back a smile.

“Come any closer and I’ll slice her throat.” Drew threatened, pressing the knife harder to Emily’s throat, a few drops of crimson blossomed and crept down her neck.

“If you don’t let Miss Bloise go, then we will be forced to take action Mr. Curtis.” Rossi explained.

Drew’s hand shook, god he wanted them to come at him, but then he thought of his mentee, how lost he would be without him. 

He lowered the knife and let the girl go. She ran towards one of the agents, tears mixing with the blood that ran down her neck. JJ wrapped an arm around the girl and guided her out. 

Morgan rushed to Curtis, pinning him down against the floor and putting cuffs around his wrists. 

Though they had caught him, Hotch felt uneasy. Curtis had given in too quickly. The greasy smile across Curtis’s face as Morgan led him away only heightened his suspicions. 

________________________________________________________________

The team sat outside the interrogation room, watching as Hotch tried to get a rise out of Andrew Curtis. He and JJ had gone in; Hotch to be the intimidator, JJ to be the trigger as she looked a bit similar to the victims. So far the man had just sat in the chair, his arms crossed, silent and smirking. It had been almost an hour and they had gotten nothing out of him.

Spencer felt as though Curtis could see him through the two-way mirror. 

“You know Agent,” Curtis began. “I know you’re trying to be the big bad wolf, but it’s not going to work, I’ve dealt with worse than you.”

Morgan looked about ready to kick in the door and beat the confession out of Andrew. 

“Send me in, I’ll get an answer out of him” Morgan growled, cracking his knuckles.

“Unfortunately, the confession won’t stand up in court if they found out you beat the shit out of Curtis to get it” Emily smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

“The Court doesn’t have to know” Morgan argued, making Emily scoff. 

“Focus kids.” Rossi ordered sternly, but Spencer could tell he was fighting back a small smile. 

Hotch and JJ came out of the room. Hotch looked to Spencer, his expression grim. “He wants to talk with you.”

Spencer looked at Hotch confused, “Why me?”

“He’s ‘fascinated by you’” Hotch explained. “I know it’s not ideal and you don’t have to go in their Reid, but-”

“But, we could get the confession out of him. We have the charges for Miss Bloise, but we want to pin him for the other girls he attacked. I understand and I will do it.” Spencer said. 

“I’ll stick with you Spence” JJ reassured, putting a hand on his arm. “You won’t be alone.”

Spencer nodded, sending a grateful look JJ’s way as they made their way into the interrogation room.

“Ah the elusive doctor. So glad you could join us.” Drew purred.

Spencer said nothing as he moved to sit down across from Curtis.

“-your wife left you Mr. Curtis, is that correct?” JJ asked.

“Please doll, a pretty thing like you can call me Drew” Drew said, looking JJ up and down. 

Spencer’s fists clenched in anger as he felt JJ tense next to him.

“The file says she left you after she cheated on you. Did you have medical issues Mr. Curtis?” Reid asked, drawing Curtis’s attention to him. “Did you struggle to please your own wife?”

Curtis growled. “That stupid whore has nothing to do with this.” 

“Ah so you couldn’t and when she left you for a man that could, you projected your anger for her onto these women. You were angry at them for being confident and independent, much like your wife who knew what she wanted.” Spencer said, sitting back in his chair with a faint smirk. 

“These women were nothing but whores, willing to let men in like me. They wanted someone so badly they let a stranger into their house.” Curtis hissed.

“Mr. Curtis, you were a delivery man. They didn’t let you in, you forced your way into their homes didn’t you?”

“If a man needs a glass of water, can’t he let himself in?” Curtis purred. “They turned their backs on a predator and got what was coming to them.” 

“Did you attack them in their homes?” JJ asked. 

“Only to make them quiet, couldn’t have the neighbors hear them scream.” Curtis laughed and Spencer resisted the urge to choke out the man across from him. 

They placed images of all of his supposed victim’s before him. “Do you recognize these women?” JJ asked, her voice harsh and cold. 

Curtis looked over all of them, silent for a couple minutes. Spencer’s patience thinned. “Well?” 

Curtis pointed to an image of Lila Jennings, the third victim of this case. “She screamed the loudest.” He pointed to another image. “She was a hot piece of ass, it was fun breaking her.” 

“Enough.” Spencer hissed. 

“In short Doctor, yes I do recognize these women. Every single one of them and no I do not regret a single one.”

Without saying another word, JJ and Spencer got up, taking the files with them. Curtis’s laughter rang out behind them as they shut the door.

________________________________________________________________

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[obsidianfr3sk]

five valentine’s day that went wrong and one that (almost) didn’t

@queercreators event 02: romance — [ five valentine’s day that went wrong and one the (almost) didn’t ]      [ “Five Things” Fic ] “

dedicated to my dear Reneweys [ @nodrianbcyes @honey-hippie-harper​ @healing-winston-pratt @alecjamesartino @bluenoctuary-art @everyone-has-a-nightmare ] ♡

Summary: They always managed to ruin their Valentine's Days one way or another, but it didn't matter. Because there was no way they could ruin what the two of them had.Boy, he would like to see someone try.

AO3

Well, hello there!!! It’s been a while since the last time I posted something x’d I know I always say the same thing but it’s true skjdfhkjdfs I started this fic during the first week of febreary when I had this shot of adrenaline and started to do a lot of creative stuff, and originally I wanted to post this during Valentine’s Day, but... the shot of adrenaline passed x’d and let me to deal with this alone.

As you can see for the description, this a “Five Thing” fic. At first I wanted to post each chapter seperately, but idk, it seem a little bit... weird x’d so, here in Tumblr, the six chapters are all in one post. If you don’t like the format, but want to read the fic, you can find it on AO3! Don’t forget to leave kudos and a comment if you liked it:’)

Now... I’m not used to write happy sttuf in general x’d AND I’M LESS USED TO WRITE HAPPY STUFF ABOUT HUGH AND SIMON BECAUSE SKJDFHKJDSF the angst, dudes:))) but I think I did. Like... I actually wrote a fluffy fic:’) I’m so proud of myself dkjfhkfdshjk

Tag list: @the-lady-with-the-pen @chiyuki-hiro @all-weather-is-bad @styeenza

First try

Year 2

It was the second Valentine's Day after the beginning of the Age of Anarchy, and the capacity that the human being had to adapt themselves to the most terrible of conditions never ceased to amaze him. The economy had collapsed, the government had fallen, his school was practically one of the last ones still in open, and there was a “fucking junkie” ruling the city...

But the world celebrated Valentine's Day anyway.

Or at least in his class did.

The teacher had brought a bunch of cardboard boxes, that looked like she had fought with some tramps to get them (which she probably did, they were too many boxes for one person to generate) (unless she was a crazy person who collected boxes). She gave one to each one of her students, took out the last bottles of paint, pieces of colored cardboard, and rusty scissors, and then told them that today they were going to learn how to make a mailbox.

At first, Hugh had no idea what turning a box into a mailbox had to do with the curriculum the school was supposed to follow. It's not like people sent a lot of letters anyway. But when the girls got excited, he remembered that February 14 was something like an important date. And then, he remembered an activity that they did during his first year, when everyone decorated a box for their classmates to put letters and sweets in it.

First year… And now he was in his third year.

Time flies by.

After telling them which parts to cut into (Hugh had to share his scissors with other three classmates because there weren't enough for everyone), she invited them to pick the decorations they wanted to put on their mailboxes. The girls pounced on the pink, red, and even white paint, while most of the boys laughed, saying it was a stupid activity and they didn't want to do it. Hugh felt the urge to agree, but he didn't

He had already tried to make them like him. It hadn't worked for him.

So he grabbed a bottle of navy blue paint, some cartoon bear stickers, some notebook paper, and a bitten pencil. That would be enough to make his mailbox and his cards.

After a while, he started to have a good time. Crafts had never been his strong suit, but he was proud of how it ended up looking. One couldn’t tell his mailbox used to be a cereal box because the paint he used was so dark, that it only needed two coats of it and it dried much faster than Abernathy’s, who had practically finished the pink paint trying to hide the face of that missing child in the milk carton box the teacher gave to her. Hugh realized that she was holding her tears back, and as the good classmate that he was, he told her not to worry, that the missing child could be decoration if she painted him a mustache or something, and it would look very funny. Abernathy, far from finding it funny, acted super offended, assuring she had never met a child as rude and insensitive as Hugh Everhart, and she ran out of the classroom, hiding her face in her hands and screaming like a baby.

Unfortunately, the rest of his class agreed with her, and when it came time to deliver the cards, Hugh did not receive a single one. Although he doubted it had anything to do with that missing boy thing.

They wouldn't have given him anything anyway.

He wasn't sure if they knew he was a prodigy. Maybe they had noticed that it wasn't normal that Hugh had practically broken a chair in two when he placed his backpack on it to get something out, or that he had left the PE teacher unconscious when he accidentally threw a ball at his face while they were playing soccer. The teachers, if they noticed, didn't say anything. After all, that school was supposed to be only for normal kids.

Not prodigies. 

But children could be very insightful. Most likely, they did notice and therefore did not want to be associate with him.

Or maybe— 

Maybe they just didn't want to hang out with Hugh, because of… that.

Because he was Hugh.

He decided to wait for everyone else to leave before starting to cry (or before breaking another chair, whichever came first). Or at least that was what he was about to do when he heard that someone had come up with the same idea as him and started crying first. 

Simon Westwood had never been too talkative. Even before his older sister and mother died, he liked to sit at the last table, not speaking to anyone, and some older kids were constantly picking on him, without any teacher trying to do anything to stop them.

Not that Hugh was paying much attention to him or something.

The teacher practically ran to see what was going on with Simon Westwood, asking him what happened and why hadn’t he finished decorating his mailbox. Simon Westwood tried to explain it to her, but he was mumbling his words so neither the teacher nor Hugh could understand what he was saying. 

Hugh didn’t get mad with him though. His mom had died. His sister died too, a couple of weeks later. He wouldn’t be in the mood for doing cheesy crafts if the same had happened to him. But the teacher wasn’t as benevolent as him, and started to say things like she was trying really hard to bring joy to her students, and that she was sure that if he tried a little bit harder, he would be able to enjoy Valentine’s Day, like the rest of them. 

“Let’s see what nice things your classmates have said about you,” she exclaimed. But that only made Simon Westwood start crying again.

No one had given him a card. 

Like… no one.

And Hugh was listening to all of this conversation, just sitting there, trying to stay as stiff as he could so they wouldn’t notice he was there (as if he weren’t literally right in front of them). Seeing Simon cried like that made him think that maybe he was just acting though when the other kids laugh at him because of his looks, his ratty old clothes (older and rattier than theirs), or just—

His mind exploded. 

He suddenly understood why the other kids didn't like Simon Westwood. It was before he was him.

Just like how they didn’t like Hugh Everhart because he was Hugh Everhart. 

When the teacher went out of the classroom with Simon, saying something about calling his dad (although he knew they wouldn’t be able to do that, since no one had a functioning phone those days), he took one of the cards he did for his classmates, cards that he never gave to them, and put one inside Simon Westwood’s mailbox/cereal box. He had left his backpack and his things there. When he came back to take them home, he would see the card too.

A voice in his head told him to get out of there before he came back, but another one told him to stay. Maybe Simon Westwood and he could be friends. Maybe he would understand what it felt like to be hated just for the way you were born. Maybe he was a prodigy too. 

Or maybe he wasn’t.

He couldn’t take that chance. 

So Hugh went home, but promised Simon Westwood (and himself) he would keep an eye on him. 

After all, friends were there to have each other’s back. 

Because they were friends, even if Simon didn't know it yet.

Second try

Year 9

They were friends. 

He had never seen Hugh before meeting him on that alley where Simon got his powers. Like— he had seen him because he was in the same class as him, but he hadn't really seen him. During his childhood years, Simon was more focused on other things. Like being a little depressed and anxious ball with skinny legs and skinny arms, for example.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t depressed or anxious now. Nor it was he had gotten super muscular all of the sudden, like Hugh (he had always been bigger than the other kids, but he practically turned twelve and already looked like a teenager, except for the voice and the face). 

But at that moment, he wasn’t depressed or anxious. He felt weirdly at peace. 

He and Hugh were walking down the street, thinking about which store were they going to rob that day to get dinner for them and their families, when Simon noticed a couple holding hands in front of an abandoned café. She had dark hair and he had blue eyes, which looked at his girlfriend as if she was the Virgin Mary or something. Then, she kissed him and gave him a small blue flower and a heart-shaped card. The guy looked so moved by the gesture that he kissed her on the lips again, with so much more passion than before. 

Simon looked away before they realized he was looking at them, not only because he didn’t want to come off as creepy, but also because he knew how awkward he would feel if they started to make out or something. 

“Love is in the air,” Hugh sang.

Simon chuckled. “You noticed them too?”

“I noticed them when she gave him the flower,” he told him. “I had never seen a girl giving flowers to a guy before.”

“Times have changed, I guess. That’s why they don’t feel uncomfortable giving such public displays of affection. Kids in our day weren’t like that.”

“I know, right?” said Hugh continuing with the joke. “They are so perverted. There are children present, for God’s sake.”

Simon chuckled again and Hugh stopped to tie his shoe. While he was there, Simon noticed he was throwing glances at them. 

“You know, giving them the death stare isn’t gonna prevent them from being in love,” Simon told him.

“I can try,” Hugh joked. Then, he shook his head. “It’s not that. I just—”

He waited for him a couple of seconds before asking, “Just what?”

He finally answered, “Someday we’ll have something like that.”

Simon frowned. “Huh?”

“You know,” Hugh mumbled. “We’ll have girlfriends and— and all of that.”

“Oh!” Simon exclaimed. “Yeah, someday, yeah.”

But before Simon could keep talking about it (or just develop some opinion on the topic) Hugh shrugged and urged him to keep walking. “I guess. I didn’t even remember today was Valentine’s Day though. They were my reminder—” he turned around and waved at them “—Thank you, exhibitionists, you reminded me what day is it!”

Now, Hugh probably didn’t mean for them to hear him say that. Simon knew him well enough to know Hugh thought he wasn’t being loud, but the thing was… Hugh was always loud. He could be “whispering” and the whole neighborhood would hear him ask Simon if he knew how bars with strippers worked because he did know, and wanted to brag about it. Then, Simon would feel embarrassed, because, in fact, he didn’t know how bars with strippers work.

Simon immediately turned around and realized the girl was looking at them with an expression he couldn’t read. He turned invisible and pushed Hugh inside of an alley, hoping those trashcans hid them well enough in case the guy turned out to be a freaking animal and wanted to kick their flat asses for calling them exhibitionists. 

Simon felt the anxiety kicking in, when Hugh started laughing so loud, that said anxiety turn into the need of punching him really hard on the arm.

So he did it. Multiple times.

“Dude, dude, shut the fuck up, dude,” Simon said keeping his voice low (because he could keep his voice down, unlike others), “that guy’s gonna kick our asses, for real. Dudeeee—”

But his voice kinda cracked when he said that “Dudeee—” and that made Hugh laugh even more, so Simon kept punching him, using a vocabulary that would make the most dangerous of gangster blush. And he probably would have kept hitting him, if the anxiety of being discovered hadn't been overshadowed by how weird it made him feel to see his best friend laugh.

When Hugh laughed, his cheeks would turn red and his eyes would water. They could be in the most embarrassing situation ever, one where no one was laughing, and if he found it funny, he was going to do it, because he wasn't going to be able to help it. And it wasn't like Simon would stop him, either. Not at all. He liked it when he laughed. 

Even though he ended up making him laugh too. Like at that moment.

Most of the garbage ended up in the drains, the sidewalk, or anywhere else except where it belonged, the trash can. Generally, Hugh always refused when someone hinted at sitting on the floor, precisely for that reason. However, on that occasion, the two were sitting in that stinking alley, throwing pebbles at each other, playing with some bottle caps they found on the ground, and arguing about who would win a bare-handed fight, Wonder Man or Phantom Feline.

They decided it was time to go home when a cat-sized rat appeared out of nowhere, and the two of them came out screaming like idiots, even faster than they would have run if that guy with the girlfriend would have chased them. They ran until they reached Simon's house, all sweaty and tired, their hands on their bent knees and breathing heavily.

Then Hugh laughed again. And his cheeks were flushed again, and his eyes were watery again, and he made Simon laugh again until Mr. Westwood came home from work and told him to go inside, that it was too late to be outside.

Once he was locked in his room, with his younger sister playing in the living room and his father in the kitchen, the image of that guy kissing his girlfriend did not make him feel anything. So, he tried to imagine kissing a lot of girls that he considered a thousand times more attractive, but just when it seemed that the idea was beginning to be something desirable, Hugh came back, with his laugh, his screams, and his eyes, like one of those freaking trains that he dreamed of having the opportunity to stop one day and that never missed a single chance to tell Simon all about it. 

The truth was that Simon did believe that Hugh might be able to stop a train with his bare hands, but he doubted he would be able to stop the train of thought that Simon hopped on whenever he thought of him. And he was so ashamed to know that not even the strongest prodigy on the planet was capable of doing that, that he decided to take those memories from the collar of the old blue hoodie that each one of them wore and bury them alive in the backyard of his memory.

Forever and ever.

Thrid try

Year 12

Two months ago, after their first date, Simon told Hugh he would never plan another important date, forever and ever. But now, Simon had let him plan their first Valentine's Day together without putting any objections, proving that he trusted him. And he was happy for him; Simon had always had problems when it came to trusting other people. It was nice to see the other grow to become a better person. 

And it was even nicer when you were no longer only friends, but a couple. 

So yeah, he wanted to make Valentine's Day special. It was kind of a big deal. 

Georgia and Tamaya brainstormed with him places he could take Simon to. They all agreed that it had to be a place safe enough and that it wouldn't put them in a situation where they had to reveal their powers, and by consequence, their secret identities. But then, everything started going downhill, especially because Georgia had some very odd ideas (like something about flowers, a choreographed dance, and poetry) and Tamaya was as romantic as a rock (“Just don't end up nearly killing yourself in front of him, that should be enough.”)

It was February 13th, and Hugh was on his cot, a bit angry at Georgia and Tamaya, not only because they couldn't help him on such an important mission as they promised, but also because they blamed him for their failure, telling him that he "had no imagination" and that he "thought with his dick", just because he thought all their ideas were horrible. 

Maybe he should have phrased that better... 

Simon and Evander slept on the bunk bed Simon used to share with his younger sister. Simon was taking a shower, so he was all alone with Evander and Kasumi, who sometimes went there to visit her best friend, even if Tamaya told her not to do it because it smelled horrible in there and she would bring the odor to the girl’s bedroom (Hugh thought the room didn't smell bad at all, and if it did, it was because Evander acted like he was living in the street yesterday and had no sense of personal hygiene). But Kasumi didn’t seem to mind, and she spent most of her afternoons cuddling with Evander on the top bunk, while she read an old book and Evander read one of Simon’s comics (because Hugh would join the Anarchists before letting Evander touch his comics).

They started whispering at each other about who knows what, and even though he kind of wanted to know what they were talking about, he was just too tired, so he decided to put a pillow on his face and try to fall asleep. But then, he heard, quite clearly, that they said his name. 

And he couldn’t let slip that. 

He pulled the pillow off his face, and said, “What are you saying about me?”

They both peered over the edge of the bunk. “We were talking about how you're not good at romance,” Evander replied.

The audacity of that b— boy.

“You are eleven years old," he told him. “What are you going to know about romance?”

“No more than you,” Kasumi acknowledged, very solemnly.

Hugh made his “See?” face and he looked away.

Then, Evander asked, “Why don’t you take him to Cosmopolis Park?”

Oh, stars. He couldn’t be serious.

Cosmopolis Park.

A freaking theme park. 

Evander was eleven, all right. His idea of a date was probably something out of a princess movie he and Kasumi watched from time to time (sometimes Tamaya joined them too and she always acted like she was just watching it to make fun of it, even though everyone in the house knew she had a weird soft spot for cheesy princess movies). But Hugh was technically an adult now. He should know better, and knowing better was not taking your boyfriend to a theme park for Valentine’s Day. That wasn’t very romantic.

“What a stupid idea.”

Kasumi got red all of the sudden. For the look at Evander’s face, Hugh knew he had fucked up even before she said, “It was my idea…”

“Oh— no, Zoomie, I… what I meant was that—”

“Don’t fix it, bro,” Evander interrupted him. “You’re gonna make me want to punch you more.”

He wasn’t afraid of Evander punching him because he couldn’t compare a kid’s strength to his, but he obeyed him and mumbled a small, “Sorry.”

The “sorry” was for Kasumi though, not for Evander. If Kasumi hadn’t been there, he probably would have told Evander something like “Oh, yeah? You’re gonna punch me, little punk? Come on, punch me, don’t be a pussy” (and then Georgia would have stormed into the room, telling him not to use the word “pussy”, and they would have pointed at each other saying “He started it!”)

After giving him a goodnight kiss, Kasumi got off Evander’s bed, with the book under her arm. Before leaving the room, she knelt beside Hugh to kiss him goodnight, as to show his comment didn’t cause her to feel any kind of resentment towards him.

Because of course it didn’t. Kasumi was like that.

“I was just saying— Valentine’s Day is also a day to be with friends,” she whispered. “And you and Simon are not only boyfriends but also... you know, friends. I bet that wherever you take him, it'd be magical for both of you. Because you find magic in each other's company, even before you knew you were in love. So... why not?”

She turned off the lights on her way out.

He never thought Kasumi’s tendency to romanticize everything was odd or weird. It was something that he expected from a teenage girl, especially one who has such a vivid imagination. But he also never expected that imagination would help him in some way. And he never expected for her to say the exact words he wanted to hear, even before he knew he wanted to hear them.

She was so wise.

Cosmopolis Park didn’t sound like a bad idea anymore when Simon entered just after Kasumi, wearing his pajamas, and asked him with a teasing voice, “So… where are you gonna take me tomorrow?”

Hugh didn’t know if Evander was already asleep, so he just smiled at him and told him it was a surprise. Simon rolled his eyes and gave him a soft kiss on the nose before getting into his own bed. 

It was his way of telling him he trusted him. And relationships were supposed to be built upon trust. He didn't need anyone to tell him that.

As far as he knew, Simon hadn't been to Cosmopolis Park in years, probably before the Age of Anarchy began. It was no secret that the park was currently full of gangs and drug addicts but it was still a relatively peaceful place. At least peaceful enough that the park was full of families, groups of friends, and tons of couples.

Although there weren’t any couples...

Well, there weren’t any couples like them.

He wondered if Simon noticed that small detail too, but when he turned to ask him that, he knew it would be better if he just kept his comments to himself. Because he wasn't an expert reading other people's emotions, but Simon...

Simon looked so happy at the moment.

The two walked side by side, their shoulders brushing against each other's, but their hands tucked deep into their pockets. Hugh was trying to keep his eyes fixed forward to avoid bumping into anyone, but the small chuckles Simon let out every time he saw something that surprised him, made said task impossible. Suddenly, he no longer wanted to avoid the embarrassment that would cause him to bother someone by bumping into them; he wanted to look at him.

He wanted to look at him trying to hide his laughter by covering his mouth with his hand, as if he wanted to suppress some kind of dark feeling, without realizing that his joy was so full of light that it was practically impossible. He wanted to continue to see how his dark eyes, with very long lashes and deep bags under the eyes, perfectly captured the lights of the Ferris wheel and the food trucks. He wanted to see the tiny smile he had the entire time they were at the park because even if Simon didn't smile like that very often, when he did, Hugh felt as if he was witnessing the most wonderful of miracles.

Hugh took his hands out of his pocket, and when he turned his attention back to Simon, he was looking at him too. They stopped in their tracks, not caring that people passed around them, sometimes unintentionally pushing them a bit or stepping on their shoelaces. 

Hugh took a step forward and Simon did too. 

Then Simon pulled a hand out of his grey jacket's pocket, making him wonder if he was dreaming or if it was really going to happen.

Hugh held his breath and felt the blood rush to his face, along with the overwhelming feeling that everyone around him was staring at them, with the newly acquired gift of recognizing those two faces that always hid behind pair of colorful masks and now were gazing at each other with true devotion. He desperately wanted to know what was going through their heads, he wanted to know if they still considered them worthy of their admiration and respect, and he wanted to know if he had been right when he assured Simon that, someday, the two of them would hold each other in public without thinking it twice.

But then, just as Simon's fingers brushed his cheek, his attention was completely diverted to someone behind Hugh.

“Are you talking to me?” he asked awkwardly.

Hugh turned to see who his boyfriend was talking to. He was a slightly older man, juggling three balls and standing on the table of his own stand. He was smiling at Simon and he had a mustache that quite frankly made him look like a ridiculous comic villain.

“Yes, you!” and he threw a ball at Simon.

Simon covered his face with his hands, but Hugh caught the ball before it hit him.

Who did this guys think he was?

The guy, far from mocking Simon's reaction, seemed intrigued. “Do you want to win a prize, big guy?” he asked Hugh.

Hugh was ready to say no to him in the kindest way he could, when the guy pulled out a laundry basket, like the one Georgia put on his head every Sunday, saying "Laundry time!" in a voice so high that made birds explode. 

“You just have to throw that ball you have in your hand—” he raised the basket “—here. And you can win a prize.”

He finally gave him a chance to reply. “No, thank you, we’re fine.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets again and told Simon to keep going. But the guy did not give up.

“I see,” he crooned from afar. “Your dad didn't play ball with you and that's why you don't think you're capable of throwing it correctly. It’s fine.”

Simon put his hand to his mouth as if thinking "Oh, stars, he did not."

And Hugh looked at him as if thinking "Oh, but he did."

If that guy knew who he was talking to, he would probably think it twice before making comments to strangers mocking their lack of a father figure.

So he turned abruptly and threw the ball into the basket.

If Hugh had been a little calmer, he probably would have been able to remember that, before leaving the house, Tamaya had told him that theme parks were full of games that had the sole purpose of scamming people and that one of them was that game in particular. The balls bounced so much that even if they made contact with the bottom of the basket they would jump back to whoever threw it, making them technically lose.

He would also have listened to himself, to Hugh, who told him that it would be best to turn around and get on with their lives, and not to Captain Chromium, who was determined to win that freaking game because he won every single game the world put in his way. 

After three balls, the guy turned to Simon, extended his hand at him, and told him, “It's fifteen dollars.”

That was enough to make him lose his mind. Hugh told him that it was not worth arguing with him, but Captain Chromium did not tolerate that people tried to take advantage of him, and he spent about ten minutes screaming with the mustachioed man, until Simon panicked (or lost his mind), grabbed one of the balls and threw it right in the man’s eye.

Then, he did take Hugh by the hand.

But just to be sure they both got out of there before someone tried to stop them.

They ended the evening at a hamburger stand several blocks away from Cosmopolis Park (because obviously, they weren't going to stay there after the show they had put on). They did not have enough money to buy two sodas, but they bought a strawberry juice carton to share and sat on the sidewalk to eat their hamburgers of doubtful provenance, ranting against the man, against the park, and, especially, against those damn balls.

“I can't believe there are people like him breathing the same oxygen I breathe,” Simon commented, before taking a bite out of his burger ravenously. “He had no right to make that joke.”

But Hugh was so distracted by how attractive Simon looked when he bit his hamburger like that all he could say was:

“If my dad knew I couldn't win that stupid game, he would abandon me again.”

Simon frowned a little bit, repeating the sentence in his head until he finally understood the joke, and laughed so hard he began to choke with his food. Hugh started to panic and told Simon he would give him five back blows like he read he should do when someone started to choke. That was enough for Simon to spit his food on a napkin. Both were so grossed out by it, that they started laughing again. Simon hid his face on Hugh's shoulder, practically using his fit of laughter as an excuse to snuggle against him, and Hugh used his own angriness as an excuse to stay right there, telling the entire world to go to hell, and willing to keep doing it forever, just as long as the conversation didn't end and they had to go home. 

Georgia and Tamaya would kill them. It was already late at night. 

Fourth try

Year 17

It was already late night when they arrived at the motel.

Simon had stayed invisible the entire time they were at the reception like he always did when they had one of those more… private nights out. Hugh was the one who was in charge of booking the room because Simon got too anxious anyway at the mere idea of ​​having to interact with one of the receptionists.

It was one thing for his entire family (or the Council, as they had been calling themselves lately, as a joke) to know that tonight he was going to have sex. Strangers knowing it was a completely different thing.

He still wasn't quite sure which one was more embarrassing, but yeah. It was different.

He only became visible again when Hugh closed the door behind him.

Simon looked at the huge sports bag that Hugh carried with him. “What you got there?”

“Nothing important,” he assured with a shrug. He was smiling like he was a kid getting a bunch of presents at Christmas, and Simon was extremely happy too, so, without asking any more questions, he kissed him on the lips and went to the bathroom to give both of them time to get ready.

Not that they hadn't done that before. They didn't like having such intimate moments in the house. And even if they had wanted to, it was practically impossible to have even a minute of privacy there. The last time he had slept in a room by himself had probably been… never. And the number of occasions someone had opened the bathroom door while he was there were more than he could count. The door lock had been broken for a few weeks but nobody knew how to solve the problem because they had no idea how doors worked. Georgia had tried to implement a serious policy of knocking before entering any room with the door closed, but the only one who paid attention to her was Adrian because the rest of them were simply too used to walk around the house as if they were in their own houses. (That they were their house, but it was more Simon's house than theirs.)

In fact, it was the first time in forever that he was in a bathroom and he didn't have to put his hand on the door, to stop whoever tried to open the door before they ended up seeing him in the most vulnerable of positions, so Simon took off his T-shirt, his jeans, and sat on the toilet, wearing his underwear and his jacket, trying to enjoy his first moment of privacy in a long time.

At least until his legs started to feel cold and Hugh told him that he could go out now.

When he came out of the room, Hugh, who was lying on the bed, widened his eyes. Simon was already ready to hear a flattering comment, but instead, he frowned and asked, “Are you going to leave your socks on?”

Simon looked at his feet automatically. He had indeed left his socks on.

He didn't see anything wrong with it.

“The carpet is filthy,” he replied. “I don't want to get fungus or something like that.”

Hugh found no fault with his logic. “Okay, but take them off when you get on the bed,” he asked.

Then Simon realized that Hugh, not only never stopped doing that ridiculous pose that pretended to be sexy throughout the entire conversation, but he also had thrown out the (probably dirty) bedsheets from the motel bed and put instead one of the blankets they took out of the closet to cover themselves during winter.

So that's what he carried in his sports backpack.

Hugh seemed to realize that Simon was looking at the blanket and not at him, because he immediately said, “Oh, I hate motel bedsheets.”

Simon couldn't help but laugh. “You hate them?”

Hugh finally stopped doing that ridiculous pose and sat down. “You just never know who sleep in them before us, Simon,” he replied, “and you never know when was the last time they washed them. Maybe they— ” he pointed to the pile of blankets thrown away “—are covered on the… bodily fluids of twenty other people, and you want me to lie on them? Is that how you want us to make love? Like animals?”

Simon kept laughing, but Hugh wasn’t laughing. “Simon, stop it!” he exclaimed. “A new class of bacteria could be there, ‘cause— oh, I am convinced that those things have a new kind of bacteria no one has discovered yet, and— ”

And he went silent when Simon put his hands on his shoulders, still with a smile on his lips.

“What?”

“Hugh, have I ever told you I think you're really sexy when you out crazy me?” Simon asked, running his fingers through his hair.

Hugh stood still, looking directly into his eyes. “No, I think you haven’t.”

Simon shrugged. “Well— I think you're really, really, sexy when you out crazy me.”

“Well, I think… I think—“

Hugh could no longer continue his sentence. Even though Simon wasn't doing anything to stop him from speaking.

He was literally just standing in front of him, one knee leaning on the mattress and one hand on Hugh's head.

“You think?” he asked him. “That’s new.”

“Simon, wait, I'm trying to seduce you,” Hugh said.

Simon took a step back, pointing to the bathroom door. “I think I’d wait over there.”

“No, wait—” he gently grabbed his wrist before he could move further away “—I’m starting to… Let me think of something.”

Simon chuckled. He put his knee on the mattress again and Hugh grabbed him around his waist, pulling him close to him and resting his head on his chest, while Simon rested his chin on his head. He had just taken a bath when they came out of the house, so Hugh’s hair smelled of him and lemon zest because they have been using dish soap as shampoo the last week.

That was the kind of privacy that they sometimes lacked at home. He was no longer talking about sex. Simon craved to have him like this, so close to him. Both in their underwear, both in a practically unknown place, and both completely vulnerable, but together. Feeling at home, even if technically they weren't.

Because Hugh was his home.

He was sure he saw him that way too.

Simon was so focused on trying to capture that moment in his memory so that he could repeat it over and over again for the rest of his life, that he was totally thrown when Hugh blurted out:

“I think you have a nice dick, dude.”

Simon broke the hug ... “What?”

Hugh’s cheeks turned even redder. “Tell me I didn't say that.”

He put a hand up to try to hide his laughter. “No, I think you did.”

He still couldn’t believe that was Hugh’s best try to seduce him. And apparently, Hugh couldn't believe it either.

“Then— forget about it,” he stammered. “Let's all of us forget about it.”

Simon realized that he tried to grab him by the waist again, but he moved away just in time, pretending to be extremely offended. “So I don't have a nice dick.”

“Let's just stop saying the word dick, please.”

“You started it.”

“I PANICKED, ALL RIGHT?”

“PANICKING IS MY JOB!”

“I’M TAKING YOUR JOB THEN. AND I’M GONNA STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND TOO IF YOU KEEP LAUGHING!”

Simon didn't try to pretend that he wasn't laughing, because he was more than aware that it was already too obvious at this point. 

So he decided it was better to play along.

“No, don't take my boyfriend!” he exclaimed dramatically, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Take me instead.”

Hugh took him by the waist and pulled him close. Simon didn't try to walk away this time. “Deal.”

But when Simon was about to start kissing him, he diverted his attention from Hugh for a split second, making him realize the curtains were wide open. “Oh, shoot, wait— the curtains.”

Luckily he hadn’t taken off his socks yet.

With quick steps, he headed to the window. He put a hand on each curtain and was about to close it completely when the lights of a car approaching from the end of the street caught his attention. It was a yellow sports car that looked more like a ripe banana than a vehicle.

Shit.

It stopped a few feet past the motel they were at. Out of it came a short man, with scars on his face and thin hair, and a tall blonde woman in a yellow dress, very inappropriate for the occasion. Not because it was provocative thought. It’s just that no one would wear such an expensive-looking dress in such a dangerous neighborhood unless they wanted to be robbed.

Or that they had enough status not to be.

Simon turned to see Hugh. “Hey—” Hugh looked up slightly. “—Come here.”

Hugh obeyed, a little bit confused, after putting his socks on (obviously). Simon had closed the curtains just enough for them not to be noticed but also not so much that they couldn’t see what was happening on the street.

Hugh gasped. “Are those—“

Simon swallowed hard. “Cyanide and Queen Bee in person.”

“What are they doing here?” 

Simon had as much an idea of ​​what Queen Bee and Cyanide were doing there as Hugh had, but he responded with the first thing that came to his mind anyway.

“Probably celebrating Valentine's Day,” he replied. “What a shitty place to take your girlfriend during Valentine’s Day though.”

At least take her to a motel. Like I did with Hugh.

“Do you think Queen Bee and Cyanide are together?” Hugh asked Simon.

Simon shrugged. “I don't know, but I know Queen Bee has a thing for Ace Anarchy.”

He had the slight hope that Hugh would take the bait and give him a chance to discuss his theories about Queen Bee's fixation with Ace Anarchy (which he always talked about with Tamaya), but Hugh, despite being very nosy, just kept quiet, watching Queen Bee and Cyanide argue outside the car.

How could that woman walk in such big heels?

“Or maybe Cyanide is the one who has a thing for Ace Anarchy,” Hugh blurted out suddenly.

Simon turned to see him. “Wait, really?”

“Don't be so heteronormative, Simon,” he scolded him. “Plus, I've never been in the cathedral, but I bet that when you enter there, it reeks homosexuality.”

“Dude—”

“I just know.”

And they kept watching. 

There was something very personal about seeing two people arguing from a distance, like old ladies peering out of their home windows whenever the neighbors had a particularly loud fight. Simon almost considered it romantic.

Then, Queen Bee tried to turn around to turn her back on Cyanide, but something went wrong with her heel and she went face first towards the sidewalk, letting out a scream that could make someone think she was being murdered, and causing Cyanide (and the two of them) to laugh out loud.

How could that woman walk with those heels? Well, apparently, she couldn't.

The tension he felt when Cyanide interrupted his laughter and turned around as if he knew someone was watching them, made him remember that they were not gossiping old ladies peeking out of the window of their house and that those two were not some neighbors having a little fight. No, they were Dread Warden and Captain Chromium, stuffed into a hotel room like they were fugitives from the law or something, and those two little people in the middle of the street were two of the most feared and powerful villains in the world.

There was nothing romantic about that.

So Simon immediately closed the curtains. 

But now neither of them was in the mood to have sex anymore, really.

“We should do something.”

“I'm on it.”

Hugh was already crouched slightly by the bedside, pulling his unmistakable superhero suits out of his sports bag.

Simon was so puzzled that he couldn't even stop to enjoy the… image that Hugh was inadvertently giving him by bending down like that.

“Wait, did you actually bring our supersuits to our date?” he asked him.

“Yeah,” he replied without looking up.

Who knows what kind of demon got into Simon at the time, but a not very family-friendly thought crossed his mind, and that thought was the one that made him ask, “Why?”

Hugh, completely unaware of what he was thinking, handed Simon his clothes and dropped the two pairs of boots on the floor as he sat in the bed. 

Only the stars knew how he had managed to fit a blanket, their shoes, and their suits in that sports backpack.

“Because I thought something like this was gonna happen,” he explained while putting on his leggings. “You know, crime doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day the same way we do.”

Oh.

The little not very family-friendly thought hadn't been right then.

Simon felt a bit sick admitting that he wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed.

“Oh. I thought...”

Hugh looked at him, intrigued, and a second later, he understood what Simon was thinking. “Oh, stars, no. I was not thinking about that.”

“All right then.”

Now it was Hugh's turn to watch him change. Simon knew that was what he was doing.

Because he knew his look better than he knew anyone else's.

When he was fully dressed, Simon reached out to reach for his shoes, and Hugh put his own hand over his', to get his attention.

He already had the mask on, but he could see that he had turned red. If Simon had been white too, he probably would be redder than him. 

He swallowed. “Unless— unless you're into it?”

Simon swallowed too. But he didn’t plan to answer him right now.

It had been hard enough to put on their suits. They didn’t need to start taking them off. 

So he pulled his hand away and started putting on his shoes.

“Hugh, the villains—” he reminded him.

“Right, right.” Hugh brushed off his knees. “The villains. That’s important.”

After making sure the door had the lock on (and that said lock worked), they turned off the lights, Simon turned invisible, and Hugh climbed onto the roof, pushing himself off the window frame as fast as possible so that Queen Bee and Cyanide, who were turning their backs on them, standing in front of the door of an apparently abandoned building as if waiting for someone, did not see him. Afterward, Simon followed him, assuring him that he could climb on his own.

The two remained hiding behind the building's water tank. Well, Hugh was behind the building's water tank, and Simon was in plain sight, invisible, with his hood on and his cape fluttering behind him, making him feel…

He wanted to say that it made him feel heroic, but the truth was that Simon also felt very sexy when he got into this mysterious and threatening mode. 

Simon turned his hand visible and pointed at them as if to say "Are we going or what?"

Hugh turned to see them with a frown, analyzing the situation. But when Simon was about to ask him what they were waiting for, Hugh turned to see him, with the same smile he had on his face when he was about to let the world know the coolest plan of all the plans, completely ignorant that in reality, it was the dumbest thing he had ever came up with.

“Wait, I have an idea.”

And in that situation, Simon had to take the role of being the one to tell him that his idea was bullshit and that it wasn't going to work, but he used to listen to his idea before expressing his comments about it. Not only because he didn't like talking without knowing all the facts first, but because may he could go to Tamaya the next day and tell her what had happened in the last episode of Hugh Had an Idea And It Went Wrong.

(They also enjoy episodes of Evander Acted Like An Animal Again and Queen, Realize That Junkie Doesn’t Care About You, Please.)

“Do you remember that song Evander used to sing to us?” he asked him.

Oh, Simon remembered it and cringed every time he thought about it.

But the cringe wasn't enough to stop him from singing the song.

“The Warden and the Captain are sitting in a tree—”

Hugh cringed too. “That one, yes. Stars, I hate it so much—” and he pointed to Queen Bee and Cyanide “—Let's make them hate it too. ”

Simon seriously tried to take his role as the voice of reason in that situation. He let his imagination (or rather, his anxiety) run wild, making him imagine the thousand and one scenarios in which that specific fight could turn out worse than they usually did if Hugh made that comment. Queen Bee would probably call Hugh a "lesbian" (“You have a lesbian haircut, honeybun, accept it”), Cyanide would go crazy trying to find Dread Warden to melt his skin slowly and painfully, everyone would wish death upon everyone, and the only reason the fight would end would be because either Cyanide would finally manage to injure Simon or because Queen Bee’s stilettos would break.

He didn't see how teasing them with an attack worthy of elementary school kids would make the situation worst.

Besides… it was going to be hilarious to see that.

He didn't see why he couldn't co-star in Hugh Had Idea and It Went Wrong.

“I'm in,” he replied, trying not to raise his voice too much. “I'm super in.”

Hugh rose his hand and Simon high-fived him quietly. But Hugh seized the opportunity to take his hand, running his finger across his knuckles. “Okay, but you sing the spelling part, because—”

“You don't know how to spell,” Simon interrupted.

Hugh let go of his hand. “Well, when you said it in that tone, it sounds a little mean.”

Simon rolled his eyes and took his hand again. Then the logical part of his brain (yes, the same one that always insisted on being the voice of reason in situations like that) began to yell at him that he should convince Hugh to let Cyanide and Queen Bee did whatever they wanted, while the two of them did whatever they wanted.

But that the logical part of him had no voice in that situation because the logical part of his brain was not the part that loved Hugh. After all, there was nothing logical in loving the way he made a kind of mini-horn with both hands, took a deep breath, and yelled with all his might:

 “CYANIDE AND THE QUEEN BEE SITTING IN A TREE—”

Fifth try

Year 20

K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

That was what he wanted to be doing. He wanted to be kissing Simon. He wanted to be with him, walking in the park and watching life go by in front of them. The birds singing from the trees, the children chasing each other, and the wind ruffling their hair. The day was going to be so perfect that he was going to be able to ignore homeless people getting high on corners or young people dealing drugs (that should be) illegal, focusing all his attention on Simon and how happy he felt that this time, everything he was going well.

He didn't want to be crammed into the living room with the rest of his family, listening to the thunder and the rain crashing down on the ceiling.

But apparently, that's what he was doing.

Tamaya was sitting on the floor, covering herself with her wings. Simon had sat on the other end of the three-seater couch, looking out the living room window with a thoughtful expression, worthy of a character in a Shakespearean play or something. Evander was leaning over him and had Kasumi on his lap. She was watching him play (or rather trying to play) a Tetris game that he had on his phone, putting her icy feet on Hugh's arm, probably without realizing it, and Hugh was on the other end of the couch, first starting at Simon, thinking of how handsome he looked when he was thinking, and then at Georgie. She had been smart enough to sit on the reclining sofa, which gave her the space she needed to cuddle with an inconsolable six-year-old Adrian.

“The storm will end soon,” she was telling him. “The storm will end soon.”

But that was not enough to comfort Adrian. His mother had already been telling him for about an hour that “the storm will end soon”, but the storm just ... did not end. And each time they heard a new thunder, Adrian let out a howl and clung to his mother with more force, asking her to please not go away.

Everyone knew that when Adrian asked Georgie not to go away, he was actually asking everyone not to go away. If any of them left the room, he would probably lose his mind.

He felt the urge to tell him that she wasn't going anywhere. That wasn’t very Georgie. Georgie didn't leave people who needed her like that, scared, crying, and begging her to stay. So since Georgie didn't do it, neither did the others.

It is not like they could have gone anywhere though.

Georgie realized that Simon hadn't stopped staring out the window.

“I'm sorry you couldn't do anything special this Valentine’s Day,” she whispered. Simon blinked as if he were waking up from a dream. “What did you have planned for this evening?”

Simon turned to see him, disappointed. Hugh decided to answer for him.

“We were going to have a picnic at the park,” he replied.

Georgie blurted out something that sounded like “Awww”, and Evander scoffed.

“That’s gay.” Hugh put his arm behind Kasumi and smacked Evander on the back of his head. “BRO, YOU LITERALLY MADE LOSE ME.”

Tamaya laughed and Kasumi shook her head. “I want to play too—” she tried to take the cellphone and Evander pressed it closer to his chest “—Vandy.”

Georgie intervened (without letting go of Adrian). “Vandy, give Kasumi the phone. It’s her turn. And then it's mine.”

But Evander didn’t want to. 

“But it only has ten percent of battery left,” he exclaimed.

“Perfect, it's more than enough for Tamaya, Kasumi, Simon, Hugh, and I to get a turn too.”

“Hugh punched me! He does not deserves a turn.”

“I didn't punch him,” Hugh said. “I just hit him very slightly.”

“My brain almost felt out of my head.”

“Do you still have a brain?” Tamaya asked. Hugh high-fived her. “I've been thinking about that joke for weeks, dude.”

“Evander Wade, share the phone,” Georgia said. “I'm no longer asking.”

“No! It's my phone.”

Desperate, Tamaya reached out to take Evander's cell phone, and he stood up so fast that Kasumi ended up falling on Tamaya.

“MOTHERFU—”

A thunder. Again.

Adrian started crying. Again.

And they all went silent. Again.

Hugh took advantage of the fact that Evander got out of the coach to move closer to Simon. Evander didn't say anything to him because he was too busy handing the cell phone to Tamaya, who then gave it to Kasumi. Kasumi refused to sit down with Evander again and stayed on the floor with Tamaya (although resting her head on his knees, as if they were a pillow).

Simon rested his head on Hugh's shoulder.

“Next year will be better,” he whispered in his ear. Simon didn't answer him; he only put his hand on the window, leaving the trace of his fingers on it. “Are you all right?”

Simon put his hand on Hugh’s waist and pulled him closer to him, closing his eyes for a while. “I'm tired…”

“Rest then.”

After all…

Hugh was tried too. 

There had never been a day when they didn't have to face a new threat. It seemed that the Anarchists, instead of getting weaker, were getting stronger. Even with the many new allies the Renegades had, no one seemed to have a second of the day to rest. Adrian got more and more nervous when they went out as days passed by, and it was becoming more difficult to calm down him during his tantrums. Even he, who was a child, could feel the tension in the city.

But precisely because of that, because he was a child, he could not understand the enormous responsibility that the Renegades had on his shoulders and that they could not stay with him, no matter how much they wanted to.

Maybe that was why no one had tried to leave the room. It was their way of telling Adrian that they were still there for him.

He was about to fall asleep when Simon pulled him away. His first instinct was to pull him closer, but as soon as he realized that Simon was just standing up, he let go of him.

Suddenly, he looked happier. Much happier than anyone else in that room.

Everyone noticed that change.

“Are you still too tired to celebrate Valentine’s Day?”

Even Hugh didn't understand what he meant.

Evander turned to see Georgie. “Georgie, you told them no hanky-panky in the house.”

“Vandy—” Kasumi intervened.

“Zoomie.”

“Don't say hanky-panky.”

“Yeah, you sound like a grandma,” Tamaya told him slightly punching him on the leg.

Hugh shushed them. “Shhh, guys, let Si talk.”

“No, go on, guys—” Simon told them “—Let us show you.”

And he held out his hand.

Obviously, Hugh accepted it.

He had no idea what Simon was planning to do, but he wasn't too tired not to celebrate Valentine's.

He was never too tired of him.

Adrian immediately reacted to this. “Hey, no, don't go...” he cried, stretching his little arms towards them.

Luckily, Simon looked like he already had that covered.

“We're not going anywhere, Adrian,” Simon assured him. “You are coming with us.”

Adrian and Georgie's eyes widened at the same time. 

“Me?” Adrian asked pointing to himself.

“You,” Simon replied, confidently. “But it's a very special mission,” he added in a lower voice, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You can't tell anyone.”

Adrian rubbed his eyes and Georgie looked up at the ceiling as if she were making sure a new leak hadn't magically appeared. Tamaya, on the contrary, didn't understand, and she stared at the scene, very intrigued by Simon's plan too. Luckily, Georgie noticed it, and with a frantic movement of her hand, told her to stop staring. Hugh made the same move, but this time, directed at Kasumi and Evander.

When Adrian opened his eyes again, everyone but the two of them was pretending they weren't listening to the conversation.

“What mission is it?” Adrian asked in a thin voice.

“Look, we can't go out to celebrate Valentine's Day,” Simon explained, “but what we can do is bring Valentine's Day here with us.”

Adrian looked puzzled.

“Hey, but you're going to need a superhero name to be able to participate in the mission,” Hugh commented, trying to get Adrian more interested. “Do you have any ideas?”

Simon scratched his beard, thinking. “Hmm, very good question, my dear Captain,” he commented. “Maybe—”

“Oh, I know what superhero name I'll have,” Adrian exclaimed, grabbing Simon by the cheeks. “Hey, your beard feels funny.”

Simon grabbed him by the cheeks too. “What’s your superhero name, then?”

Adrian whispered it in his ear and Simon's face lit up. “It's a perfect name, Adrian.”

Adrian shushed him. “Shh, don't say my real name! I have to use my superhero name, remember? It's a mission.”

Evander scoffed again and Kasumi shushed him immediately. 

“And can he tell me your superhero name?” Hugh asked Adrian. 

Adrian stopped to think about it. “Yes, why not?” he finally replied.

Then, Simon stood slightly on tiptoe to reach him and whispered in his ear the most perfect superhero name he had ever heard.

Sketch.

Hugh took Adrian by surprise when he graved him and carried him in his arms, making him gasp in shock and excitement. Even Georgie started to laugh out loud at her son's reaction.

“Ready for the mission, Sketch?” he asked him making his voice lower than it actually was.

Adrian gave a military salute. “I was born ready, Captain!” he exclaimed, moving his feet in the air.

Georgie stood up too. “Where you taking my son, guys?” she asked dramatically.

Hugh placed Adrian on his shoulders.

“Don’t worry, mom,” Adrian told her, “I’ll be fine. I need to accomplish this mission.”

Georgie pretended to start sobbing. “No, but you don't have to, son of mine, you're too young!”

“Listen to your mother, kid,” Tamaya intervened. “Stay with us, stay safe with your family—“ and she passed her wings over Kasumi's shoulders.

“Tamaya has two wings,” Kasumi pointed out. “And they're warm.”

“Really?” Evander asked.

But Tamaya’s face changed immediately. “It's not for you, it's for Adrian.”

“GO WITH THEM, LITTLE SKETCH, GO!” Evander yelled standing up on the sofa. “GO SAVE VALENTINE’S DAY!”

That was enough for Adrian. He kissed his mother on the cheek and told her that he would be back soon. Then the three of them began their journey to the kitchen while the others stayed in the living room.

Simon pulled out a bag of bread from the refrigerator and asked Hugh to pass him the peanut and hazelnut butter jars from the cupboard. Adrian took it upon himself to count the remaining loaves of bread and separate them into pairs, spreading them on the table. Simon encouraged him to count how many pairs there were and Hugh had no problem helping him when he got stuck at number five. Then Simon toasted them on the stove, and he allowed Adrian to pile them up like a tower on a red ceramic plate.

When it was time to make the sandwiches, Simon and Hugh sat at different ends of the table, each holding a butter knife. Simon would spread peanut butter on one of the loaves, Hugh would spread hazelnut on the other, and Adrian would gather them together and wrap them the best he could in a napkin, before putting them in a makeshift basket that Kasumi had made long ago.

“Mommy, no!” yelled Adrian when Georgie dared to enter the kitchen. “It's a secret mission!”

“Don’t worry, don’t mind me,” she told them pretending not to notice what they were doing. “I'm just gonna prepare myself some strawberry milk.”

As soon as Adrian looked away, Georgie winked at Hugh. And Hugh winked back.

“I think we're done with this mission now,” he replied using that ridiculously deep voice again. “You have to break the news to the rest of the team, Sketch.”

Adrian jumped out of his chair and practically ran into the living room, holding the basket with sandwiches in his hand.

The three of them had been so into their mission, they didn't realize that the others had put several blankets on the floor and Tamaya was cursing under her breath for being unable to use a lighter to turn on the candles. Kasumi approached Adrian, with a VHS in each of her hands, asking him which movie he would like to see, and Evander came over too, but to try and tell Adrian to pick the action movie, not the romance movie the girls wanted to see.

Simon seemed like he wanted to join the conversation too, but Hugh thought he had done enough. And he meant it in a good way. So he took him by the hand and they lied down on the couch, not caring that perhaps one of the others wanted to sit on it.

Adrian had already chosen the movie (he chose the period drama over the action movie, thankfully) when Georgie walked into the living room with a stack of plastic cups under her arm and a jug half full of strawberry milk, carrying it as it were a trophy. During her birthday, everyone in the house had raised money to buy her a huge pot of strawberry milk powder, which they made her promise that she would not share.

Some promises could not be kept.

The adults got two sandwiches each, but Adrian had practically all of the strawberry milk. Throughout the movie, Kasumi was sighing and muttering how much she wanted to wear a dress like the one the main character wore in the movie during that elegant dinner. From to time, Tamaya frowned and muttered something about how problematic she found a line or scene. Georgie braided their hair and when she finished, she would undo the braid and start over, laughing out loud at Evander's comments about how horrible the romantic interest looked and that he did not understand how that was the ideal of beauty that women had. Adrian fell asleep in Simon's arms about halfway through, and about that exact time, Hugh began to notice that Simon was starting to have a hard time trying to stay awake.

He looked adorable when he was thinking, but he liked it even more how he looked when he was falling asleep.

He kissed the back of his head. “Are you tired?”

He nodded slightly. “Yes… but never of you.”

Hugh kissed him again. “I was thinking the same thing.”

“What thing?”

Georgie turned around for a second and realized that Adrian had fallen asleep. She stopped braiding Evander’s short hair (for some reason, Evander had let her braid his hair) and sat on the recliner chair, hugging Adrian like a stuffed animal.

She winked at him once more. And Hugh winked back, one more time.

“Nothing— ” he laid himself more comfortably on the couch and allowed Simon to get on top of him, resting his head on his chest. “—Sleep for a while.”

Simon made no further objection. “You too.”

Hugh did not fall asleep. In fact, he stayed awake for the three hours the movie lasted, even though by the time the credits started, Tamaya was snoring and Kasumi and Evander were under her wings, rolled up, and cuddled up to her. Georgie ended up falling asleep on the couch, covered in the same blanket Simon used to cover himself a few hours ago.

When the clock told him it was 7 PM, Hugh knew it was time for them to go patrol. However, the rain had gotten even worse, and Simon...

Simon looked so peaceful.

He hadn't realized how deep the bags under his eyes had gotten, nor that his face hadn't looked as relaxed as it looked right now for weeks, because he frowned most of the time. He hadn't held him that close either or had the opportunity to give him as many kisses as he had been doing in that time. Not because he didn't want to, it was just ... well, they had been busy trying not to die.

How tiring it was to try not to die.

He knew Simon was tired because, again, he was tired too, and he bet that the rest of their family felt the same as them. But Simon was the only one who had overcome his tiredness and his moodiness to just... make them forget their sorrows for a moment. 

He was like that.

Hugh gave him one more kiss on the cheek.

Thank you. 

If Simon had been awake, he would have asked him "Thanks for what?"

And Hugh would have answered him, "For just being you."

Someday they would get their happy ending. But for the moment, all he wanted was to be crammed into the living room with the rest of his family, listening to the thunder and the rain crashing down on the ceiling.

He doubted that happiness would ever end.

Sixth (but not last) try

Two years after the Day of Triumph.

Just over a year ago, Simon had been on the roof of the same building he was currently in. Of course, it looked very different from how it looked now. It didn’t have any windows, no furniture, and, obviously, no electricity. It was the vile shell of what had once been one of the most beautiful skyscrapers in the city. Simon was thinking about that when he realized that he did not have a single memory of having seen that place when it was in its maximum splendor and that the only proof he had of it was the stories of those adults who arrived before him.

That sooner or later, he would become one of those adults. Those who told stories of the past to the generations that came after them.

He thought of Adrian. He thought that there would come a time when he would be curious to know certain things that happened and would ask questions that Simon would not be too sure how to answer. Not precisely because he didn't want to or because he thought he wasn't ready to hear the truth; he just didn’t know those truths at all. 

Why did people change for the worst? How did the world use to be when prodigies weren’t divided by heroes or villains?

What happened to Lady Indomitable?

How did the world use to be before she was gone?

Then Simon, with tears in his eyes, looked up at the crescent moon and the six stars lined up in such a way that they seemed to form a smile. He hadn’t seen anyone in his family smile for… a very long time. 

Because when Georgia Rawles left, she took with her their capacity to smile. 

Yet, at that moment, Simon could feel her. He could feel her when he was crying, asking her to please fly again and to help him get down from that skyscraper. He felt her hugging him, keeping him from falling to his knees and cutting his skin with the shattered glass that was on the floor. She promised him that she would never give up on him and assured him that every time he saw the sky, he would find those six stars forming that smile, which from that moment on, would be hers. 

Simon didn't want her to make promises, but… it was Georgie. His Georgie. The Georgie who made pinky promises even though she was about to turn thirty because you were never too old for pinky promises. The Georgie who always protected him and never gave up on him, even though there were times when Simon thought she should.

So since she was his Georgie, Simon accepted the promise. As she turned around and rose again to the sky, he wondered what would happen when the city was so full of light, that the stars (Georgie’s smile) faded away and everyone, including them, forgot about them (about her). 

But, after all this time, Simon was looking at the stars, on the roof of that same skyscraper that had now been turned into a fancy restaurant, holding Hugh's hand across the table, and noticing that Georgie was still smiling at him from above.

As it always should be.

“Did you ever expect things to turn out like this when you were little?”

He turned to see Hugh again. “What things?”

But Hugh kept staring at the stars. Simon didn't care. He liked to think that the sparkle in his blue eyes was due to them. “Us.”

Simon shook his head, “No,” he answered when he remembered Hugh couldn’t look at him. “Did you?”

Finally, Hugh saw him again. “I think that when I was little, I didn’t know one could be as happy as I am with you right now.”

Simon rolled his eyes. 

“I'm serious,” Hugh insisted, taking him just a little tighter by the hand. “I'm so glad we finally made it out.”

Simon leaned forward slightly. “We really did, huh?”

Then, Hugh gently pulled him closer to him, making their foreheads bump and closing his eyes. “And I'm so glad that now, nothing bad is gonna happen to you, to us, and to what we have.”

Simon closed his eyes too. He would have liked to promise Hugh that it would be like that. That this new chapter of their lives, the chapter of getting married, having kids, and rebuilding a city together, was would turn out as well as the last one, when they fought crime, defeated the bad guys, and held hands only when they were not wearing the armors that protected them from the outside world. 

But he could not promise that. And anyways, Hugh was not very fond of promises. He said they were very easy to break.

So he grabbed his chin and gave him a quick kiss on the lips before saying, “It's getting late. We should ask for the check.”

Hugh nodded and called a waiter. He noticed that Simon was reaching into his pocket and quickly told him not to do it, that he got it. Simon knew there was nothing he could do to make him change his mind, so he instead just asked if he could get a slice of chocolate cake to go. Adrian would love to have chocolate cake for breakfast.  

The waiter returned a few moments later with the bill (and Adrian’s chocolate cake). Simon almost winced when he saw the amount of money they had spent on a meal that hadn’t been that good in the first place (although he did not know if it was because of the lack of ingredients or because gourmet food kind of sucked). However, Hugh didn't seem at all concerned and reached into his pockets to get his wallet.

Suddenly, he leaned his elbows on the table. “Simon.” 

Simon leaned his elbows on the table too. “Yes?”

“Have I mentioned you look very handsome tonight?”

He tried to remember. “No,” he replied. “But thank you for noticing. I even took a shower.”

“Wow,” Hugh exclaimed with too much enthusiasm. “Feeling fancy today.”

“I do feel fancy today,” Simon replied, adjusting the jacket he had put on over his pink button-up shirt at the last moment because Hugh had told him that the restaurant had a pretty rigid dress code.

Simon almost didn’t put on the jacket out of pure spite. In fact, he spent all the way ranting about how it was stupid to have such a specific dress code in a place like Gatlon City, and that he bet that the owners of that restaurant, who now were acting like total snobs, had spent most of their lives wearing only a t-shirt and old jeans, like the rest of them.

Hugh, who had been wearing the jacket from the beginning (a blue one), was quiet, listening carefully to what Simon was saying until he blurted out:

“We can do something else if you want to.”

He didn't say it in an “I’m hurt by your comment” tone. Instead, he said it the same way he would tell him that they could watch another movie or that they could get take out instead of cooking dinner. He said it as if the reservation he made was not at stake, or as if he hadn’t been sending him hints of wanting to go to that specific restaurant since New Year.

Simon knew that if he had said yes, Hugh would have taken him wherever he wanted. However, Simon also knew that it didn't matter where they went. They had spent Valentine's in an alley, at a fair, fighting villains, and in a house too small for seven people. And in all those places, he had a great time.

Surely that place was… snobbish, but he could have a great time there too.

After all, they were together. 

He was sure Hugh knew that too. 

Hugh nodded, agreeing with him. He hardly ever agreed with someone other than himself anymore.

“Is this your strange way of making me say you look good too?” he asked him then.

And Hugh’s smile grew bigger. “Simon Westwood, you are the love of my life,” he replied taking his hand, “and this is my strange way of telling you I forgot my wallet at home.”

Simon laughed so loudly that the other customers turned to see him. But he couldn't care less. He kind of wanted them to saw them. He wanted them to notice how much he was laughing and he wanted them to see him kiss Hugh as he reached for his pockets…

Oh, no.

“Hugh.”

He tensed. “Yes, dear husband of mine who’s going to pay for this dinner?”

“You look good too.”

That was enough for Hugh to realize that Simon had also left his wallet at the house.

The two remained serious for a long time. But then, Simon could see how Hugh's brain clicked in a very strange way, which made him see this whole situation as the funniest thing that had ever happen to him.

He kissed him once more.

They always managed to ruin their Valentine's Days one way or another, but it didn't matter. Because there was no way they could ruin what the two of them had.

Boy, he would like to see someone try.

[aion-rsa]

The Best Creepy Horror Movies

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Creepy isn’t the same as scary.

Of course horror movies can be scary simply by using loud noises and sudden movements to make their audiences jump, but creepy is harder to pull off. To be effectively creepy, a film needs to establish a certain atmosphere; it needs to draw you in and make you care. It needs to give you something to think about when you’re trying to drop off to sleep at night; to make you wonder whether that creaking noise down the hallway was just the house settling or something lurking in the shadows. Creepy stays with you. It gives you goosebumps.

Here are 85 of the best horror movies (in no particular order) to chill your bones. Enjoy the nightmares.

Us (2019)

Jordan Peele’s follow up to his award winner Get Out is another social horror. While it might not be quite as accomplished or coherent as Get Out (the end is a bit of a mess) Us is arguably scarier than Get Out as a family staying in a holiday home find themselves tormented by evil replicas of themselves. It’s a film that keeps you constantly on edge with the performances of the main cast – Lupita Nyong’o, Winston Duke, Shahadi Wright Joseph and Evan Alex – absolutely pitch perfect and never less than convincing as good and evil versions of themselves.

It Comes At Night (2017)

Though the marketing material was somewhat misleading, featuring the above scary-looking dude (who really isn’t a big part of the film at all), It Comes at Night, from director Trey Edward Shults is a claustrophobic slow-burner that insidiously ramps up the creep factor. Joel Edgerton plays the patriarch of a family holed up in a cabin in the woods to escape an unnamed wide spread virus. But when a man, his wife and their young child arrive seeking shelter his family life is disrupted. A coming-of-age horror with one of the bleakest endings around.

Mr. Jones (2013)

Nobody knows who Mr. Jones is. The artist is a recluse, but his bizarre sculptures have made him world famous. When a documentary maker and his girlfriend stumble across what looks like his workshop, they become obsessed with finding out the truth about Mr. Jones, but the truth isn’t particularly easy to stomach.

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One of the most stylishly shot found footage movies you’ll ever see, the makers know the rules of the genre well enough that when they break them, it adds to the story rather than detracting from it. Also, those scarecrows are petrifying.

Under the Shadow (2016)

Set in war-torn Tehran in the late 1980s, Under the Shadow sees a would-be doctor battling the forces of evil for her daughter (and her sanity) even as everyone around her flees to safer ground. The juxtaposition of earthly and unearthly threats makes this a uniquely terrifying film, and Shideh (Narges Rashidi) is a wonderfully complex and sympathetic heroine. Not many films could make a sheet of printed fabric terrifying, but Under the Shadow manages it.

Gaslight (1940)

Bella (Diana Wynyard) thinks she’s losing her mind. She keeps losing things, and the lights in her house seem to flicker, even though her husband Paul (Anton Walbrook) tells her he can’t see anything wrong. Plus there are those footsteps upstairs… Just from that description, you might think that Gaslight will turn out to be a haunted house story, but the real explanation for all the weirdness is far more sinister than that. Walbrook does sinister like no-one else.

The Babadook (2014)

A character from a terrifying kids book comes to life to haunt a single mother (Essie Davis) grieving for the loss of her husband in this beautiful, sorrowful meditation on depression and despair. Top-hatted Mr. Babadook with his horrible, terrible grin is of course creepy as all, but Noah Wiseman as her needy and uncontrollable child gives him a run for his money in creepiness.

The Clairvoyant (1934)

Maximus, King Of The Mind Readers (Claude Rains) performs amazing feats of clairvoyance on stage every night in front of adoring audiences. The problem is, it’s fake – the mind-reading is all done through a secret code Maximus has invented to communicate with his assistant wife, Rene (Fay Wray). But one night, he meets Christine (Jane Baxter), and his abilities become real. He really can predict the future. If you’ve already guessed that’ll turn out to be more of a burden than a gift, you’re right. Gorgeously shot, wonderfully acted, this is a creepy delight.

Sleep Tight (2011)

The second Jaume Balaguero film on this list is just as bleak and horrifying as the first: Sleep Tight sees a concierge secretly breaking into the homes of the people he’s supposed to serve to try to make them as miserable as he is. When Cesar (Luis Tosar) finds one tenant is harder to upset than the others, his behaviour escalates until he’s committing unimaginably grotesque crimes against the poor girl. The ending will have you shuddering in your seat.

Lake Mungo (2008)

This strange found footage film from Australia takes the format of a mockumentary focusing on the family of a dead girl who think there are supernatural goings on surround their house. It owes a debt to Twin Peaks in its odd neighborhood vibe, and the twisty plot holds many surprises, as the movie wrong foots the audience time and again. It’s creepy throughout but by the time you finally discover what’s really going on it’s not only terrifying but emotionally devastating too.

Dead of Night (1945)

Probably the best horror anthology ever made, this Ealing Studios production includes five individual stories and one wrap-around narrative. The wrap-around sees a consultant arrive at a country home only to find that he recognizes all of the guests at the house – he’s seen them all in a dream.

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By Aaron Sagers

Spooked, the guests start recounting their own stories of the uncanny, each more unnerving than the last. Well, except for the one about the golfers, but that one’s just there for light relief before the film hits you with the scariest ventriloquist’s dummy ever committed to film. Just excellent, all round.

Hereditary (2018)

One of the most truly harrowing movies of recent years is Hereditary, the feature debut from Ari Aster. Toni Collette stars as a mother trying to hold together her family in the aftermath of a tragedy while around her supernatural goings on begin to escalate.

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Hereditary has been called The Exorcist for a new generation, though it’s so much more than that. In fact at times, Hereditary is almost too scary, so oppressive is it’s escalating anguish and dread. This one is pure nightmare fodder.

Nina Forever (2015)

Rob (Cian Barry) can’t get over his ex-girlfriend. Nina (Fiona O’Shaughnessy) died in a car crash, which is bad enough, but when he tentatively begins a relationship with his co-worker, Holly (Abigail Hardingham), he finds himself haunted by Nina. Literally. She materializes in his bed every time he and Holly have sex – she might be dead, but she’s not letting go.

“Creepy” doesn’t feel like a strong enough word to describe this film – “devastating” might do it. It’s a sensitive and horrifying portrayal of grief, with a sense of humour as dark as the inside of your eyelids, and some extremely upsetting gore. Brilliant, but not one for the faint-hearted.

Robin Redbreast (1970)

When she moves away from London to a tiny country cottage, Norah (Anna Cropper) expected the change to be a bit strange, but nowhere near as weird as it ultimately turns out to be. As she gets to know the locals, she finds herself being pushed towards a relationship with karate-loving Rob (Andrew Bradford), and while she’s initially game, she soon discovers that her choices are being made for her. It’s a little bit Wicker Man, a little bit Rosemary’s Baby, and a lot of creepiness.

It Follows (2014)

Inspired by a reccuring nightmare director David Robert Mitchell had in his youth,It Follows is a clever, freaky take on the slasher movie, featuring, well, a sexually transmitted ghost. Maika Monroe plays a young woman haunted by a shape shifting spectre after a sexual encounter who slowly but relentless trails her everywhere – the film plays with the audience expertly, making us guess whether background characters could really be the monster. Ultra modern and highly effective, this one will leave you jumping at shadows long after the credits roll.

The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

A tyrannical landowner is plagued by, well, a literal plague in Roger Corman’s adaptation of an Edgar Allan Poe story. Vincent Price plays the Satanic Prince Prospero, who rules over his village with an iron fist, condemning people to death for the mildest offence and abducting any woman who takes his fancy, but all of his evils come back to haunt him when he throws a masked ball and Death shows up. Fittingly, it’s got the hallucinogenic quality of a fever dream, and the various incarnations of Death are wonderfully creepy.

As Above, So Below (2014)

A group of explorers heads deep into the Paris catacombs, only to find they’ve gone a little too deep and stumbled into an alternate dimension that might actually be Hell. It’s a brilliantly over the top concept, and the way it plays out is incredibly eerie. Yes, it’s found footage, and yes, it’s a little bit on the silly side – it chucks in quotes from Dante and a few too many sad-faced ghosts – but some of the scares along the way are properly frightening. Suspend your disbelief and let it freak you out.

Oculus (2013)

Eleven years ago, Alan (Rory Cochrane) bought an antique mirror… and then died, along with his wife. According to the police, they were murdered by their 10-year-old son. According to their daughter, the mirror is haunted, and something supernatural caused their deaths. Now Tim (Brenton Thwaites) is out of prison, Kaylie (Karen Gillan) wants to prove he was innocent by conducting an experiment on the mirror… But inadvertently puts both of them in danger all over again.

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It’s chilling. The way director Mike Flanagan plays with reality, building unbearable uncertainty through camera angles and false memories, makes this film both incredibly scary and impossibly sad.

The Witch (2015)

After being cast out of a New England plantation for not interpreting scripture in the same way as the colony’s elders, a family strikes out alone, and soon discovers how inhospitable their unfamiliar new home country can really be. The Witch is a period piece, and the language is suitably archaic, but don’t let that put you off: it’s a brilliantly chilling portrayal of Puritan life, where belief can mean the difference between life and death, and horror is only ever one failed crop away.

The Amityville Horror (1979)

The Amityville Horror is the haunted house story. If you were only ever going to watch one haunted house movie, it should be this one, because this is the archetypal story: a family moves into a house where horrible murders happened, and then bad things happen to them. It manages a lot of things later imitators didn’t, though, which is that it makes the Lutzes’ decision to buy the house make sense, and also builds the horror slowly, so that they almost don’t notice when the things going wrong in the house switch from annoying issues to outright horror. If you’ve moved house in recent memory, this one’ll hit you where it hurts.

The Conjuring (2013)

If you were only ever going to watch two haunted house movies, the second one should definitely be The Conjuring. James Wan’s ode to ’70s horror has plenty in common with The Amityville Horror, but it also has plenty of ideas of its own – and at least half a dozen moments that’ll make your heart leap into your mouth.

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The camerawork, the music, the cute kids stuck in the middle of epic spiritual warfare… it all adds up to a completely terrifying experience. You’ll probably need to sleep with a nightlight for a week afterwards.

The Changeling (1980)

George C. Scott stars as Dr. John Russell in this classic ghost story, which is a favorite of The Others director Alejandro Amenabár. Following the tragic demise of his wife and son, Dr. Russell moves into a rambling Victorian mansion to compose music and pick up the pieces of his life. He’s soon being woken by relentless booming sounds coming from the heating system, precisely at 6am every day… Then there’s the old “apparition in the self-filling bath” trick (actually, this may be the first time this happened onscreen, but it sure won’t be the last).

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This is one of those movies which hits up all the clichés: people go into the dark, gloomy attic to search for clues, and to the library to look up old news archives on the microfiche; they visit the graveyard, and finally, hold a séance (which is overwhelmingly creepy). The eerie soundtrack and skilful storytelling result in a film which peels back its mysterious layers slowly for a satisfying finish.

The Hallow (2015)

If you go down to the woods today, make sure you don’t steal anything or break anything, or the Hallow will get you. Tree surgeon Adam and his family move into an ancient farmhouse to start sizing up the land for developers and quickly fall afoul of the supernatural creatures lurking in the trees, which turns out to be a really bad idea. This film’s got it all: foreboding mythology, grotesque body horror, and the most amazing line of foreshadowing dialogue you’ll ever hear.

The Uninvited (1944)

A couple of Londoners holidaying in Cornwall stumble across a gorgeous abandoned house on the seafront and immediately decide they want to buy it. The owner, a grumpy old colonel, is happy to sell it to them on the spot, but his granddaughter is reluctant. Turns out the house has got secrets, and, yeah, a ghost. The dialogue in this film is incredible in a very 1940s kind of way, and the tone can occasionally be accused of jolliness, but it’s also got its moments of proper creepiness. Best enjoyed with a glass of sherry.

Saint Maud (2019)

One of the best movies of the year, Rose Glass’s feature debut is a study of a young palliative care nurse who starts to believe she’s on a mission from God to save the soul of her dying patient.

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It’s a film about conflicts between mind, body and soul, but it leans her into genre territory as Maud (Morfydd Clark) hear God talking to her directly and punishes her own body in an attempt to feel closer to her spiritual side, while the cancer riddled Amanda (Jennifer Elhe) celebrates her body as it lets her down. Shot in Scarborough everything about Saint Maud is unsettling right up to the indelible finale. An absolute must watch.

Crimson Peak (2015)

Director Guillermo del Toro insists that Crimson Peak isn’t a horror film but is, instead, a gothic romance. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t creepy as all get-out, though. When aspiring author Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowska) meets charming baronet Thomas Sharpe (Tom Hiddleston), she falls madly in love and agrees to move back to his ancestral home, Allerdale Hall – aka Crimson Peak. But the house is crumbling and full of ghosts, and Sir Thomas’s sister doesn’t seem terribly friendly, either…

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Del Toro’s visual flair is in full effect here, and every frame of this film (even the scary ones) are stunningly beautiful to look at. It’s a treat.

Baskin (2015)

A group of cops answers a call from the middle of nowhere and unwittingly stumble into something that can only be described as ‘a nightmare’ in this skin-crawlingly nasty Turkish horror. Abrasive, aggressive and deliberately difficult, this is the kind of film that burrows deep into your brain, only to resurface later at the worst possible time. Then again, by the time you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere with only dead colleagues and Silent Hill-style monsters for company, you probably don’t need memories of a horror movie to freak you out.

His House (2020)

A Netflix movie which could make a mark come award’s season the directorial debut of Remi Weekes sees a Sudanese refugee couple seek housing in London only to find themselves haunted by ghosts of the past and present. This is proper horror and it’s creepy as hell but it also leans into the horror of the refugee situation with the two marginalized, restricted, and treated as outsiders from the start – it’s a powerful but uncomfortable watch.

Host (2020)

The defining horror of 2020 – written, shot, edited and released on Shudder in just 12 week – Host is so much more than a lockdown gimmick. Following a group of friends who decide to do a seance via a Zoom chat, this ingenious movie trades on the real life friendships of the cast and crew and the absolute ubiquity of the video software during isolation. It’s seriously creepy too, utilising visions in the shadow but later some seriously impressive stunt work. Director Rob Savage and writer Jed Shepherd have signed up for a three picture deal from Blumhouse on the strength of this movie which absolutely needs to be seen.

The Haunting (1963)

Not to be confused with the remake of 1999, this retro gem not only features some classic sequences of spooky happenings, but a philosophical take on the paranormal. As John Markway says, “The preternatural is something we don’t have any natural explanation for right now but probably will have someday – the preternatural of one generation becomes the natural of the next. Scientists once laughed at the idea of magnetic attraction; they couldn’t explain it, so they refused to admit it exists.

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Dr. Markway (Richard Johnson) is investigating the mysterious Hill House, whose inhabitants often die in odd circumstances. With him he has Luke (Russ Tamblyn), the cynical heir to the home, the psychic Theo (Claire Bloom, way too cool for school) and Julie Harris as Eleanor, who has some ghosts of her own but figures a free stay in a mansion is as close to a holiday as she’s going to get. Markway is pleased the ladies haven’t done any research into the bad reputation of the house “So much the better. You should be innocent and receptive.” (The old dog.) This is a great, character-driven story with a dry sense of humor, and a mysterious heroine who feels oddly at home with the supernatural.

Unfriended (2014)

A cautionary tale about the dangers of cyberbullying, Unfriended achieves the seemingly impossible and manages to make the standard sound effects of everyday computer programs terrifying. The whole story is told through one character’s desktop, so you get to watch as she Skypes with her friends, posts to Facebook, or picks something to listen to on Spotify. The details are fascinating, and it’s kind of brilliant how the filmmakers manage to express so much about a character through her browser bookmarks and the messages she types, but doesn’t send. Once the horror kicks in, though, you’ll be too scared to notice much more of the cleverness.

Shutter (2004)

Jane (Natthaweeranuch Thongmee) is driving back from a wedding with her boyfriend Tun (Ananda Everingham) when she hits a girl – in a panic, they leave the body lying in the road and try to get on with their lives. They start feeling rattled when Tun’s photography is blighted by misty shadows and they both suffer from the odd hallucination which seems to show that their hit and run victim (Achita Sikamana) isn’t resting in peace.

Where would horror films be without photographic dark rooms? Even in the digital age, the dim red light and slowly emerging pictures remain classic tools of terror. Not to mention the room with rows of jars containing pickled animals, and the surprise homage to Psycho. This story has it all. There are also touches of dark humor throughout (the praying mantis is a recurring motif) and one of the most bone-chilling scenes has a hilarious payoff.

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Directors Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom skilfully create real characters and have the ability to communicate some of the most powerful and eloquent moments without dialogue.  The mystery deepens as more sinister evidence comes to light and the climax is truly chilling. This is one which will stay with you long after Halloween.

Spider Baby (1967)

The Merrye children live out in the middle of nowhere, with only one another and their family chauffeur, Bruno (Lon Chaney Jr) for company. Which is for the best, because they’re all afflicted with the family curse – a bizarre quirk of genetics that causes members of the Merrye family to begin to de-evolve once they reach a certain age. When some distant relatives come to visit, intending to challenge the kids’ right to stay in the house, things go sour fast. It’s a horror comedy, this one, but if you’re not a little bit creeped out by Virginia (Jill Banner), the Spider Baby of the title, and her spider game, well, good luck to you.

What Lies Beneath (2000)

Robert Zemeckis directs Michelle Pfieffer and Harrison Ford in this glossy supernatural thriller, with predictably high quality results. Clare and Norman Spencer live the perfect life – especially now their daughter has left for college and they’re enjoying empty nest syndrome. But the neighbors are causing some concern – especially when the wife disappears and Claire believes she is trying to communicate with her from “the other side.”

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Zemeckis has admitted that this is his homage to Hitchcock, and true to form, the suspense builds deliciously slowly. When Claire starts seeing faces in the bathtub (where else?) she goes to talk it over with a psychiatrist. A session with a Ouija board proves that somebody is trying to contact Claire, and it’s not long before she’s stealing keepsakes from grieving parents and reading books with chapters helpfully entitled “Conjuring the Dead.”

The result is a strong movie whether you’re enjoying the ghost story or the “Yuppies in peril in a beautiful house” aspect of it (and it doesn’t hurt that Michelle looks luminously beautiful).

Cat People (1942)

Serbian immigrant Irena doesn’t have a friend in the world when she meets Oliver. He’s kind and attentive and they soon fall in love, despite Irena’s lack of physical affection. She’s convinced she’s living under a curse that will mean she’ll transform into a panther and kill any man she kisses, and despite seeing a (deeply inappropriate) psychiatrist, she can’t shake her beliefs. Oliver is initially patient but eventually finds himself falling for his much more reasonable colleague, Alice. There’s no way this love triangle can end happily and, well, it doesn’t. Cat People is sad as well as eerie, with an increasingly paranoid atmosphere enhanced by skillful shadow play.

The Nameless (1999)

Five years after her daughter Angela went missing, presumed dead, Claudia starts getting weird phone calls. A female voice claims to be Angela, and begs her mother to save her. A series of weird clues leads Claudia to investigate a weird cult… but when things slot into place too easily, it seems like someone might be luring her into a trap. Thematically, The Nameless is similar to Jaume Balaguero’s later film Darkness; there’s a similar feeling of hopelessness and despair, a creeping horror that doesn’t let up, topped off with a horribly downbeat ending. Brrrr.

Dead End (2003)

The Harrington family are driving home for Christmas when they decide to take a shortcut. Obviously, that turns out to be a bad idea. Picking up a mysterious hitchhiker is an even worse idea. Dead End isn’t a particularly original movie, and it does have a truly awful ending, but there’s something about its characters, its atmosphere, and the way it tells the well-worn story that’s really effective. And creepy, of course.

The Others (2001)

Every ghost story introduces an element of uncertainty: are these things really happening, or are they in your head? Like The Innocents, The Others is partly inspired by Henry James’ novella The Turn Of The Screw. Grace (Nicole Kidman) has turned being neurotic into a fulltime job; her children apparently suffer from a sensitivity to light, which means the gothic mansion they inhabit must be swathed in thick curtains at all times. This makes things difficult for the new servants, who have turned up in a most mysterious manner… 

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Grace’s daughter has an imaginary playmate called Victor; her insistence that there are “other people” in the house vexes Grace until she begins to hear them, too. A piano playing by itself, shaking chandeliers and some truly traumatic hallucinations add to the panic as Grace questions exactly who she is sharing her home with. The tension builds to almost unbearable heights before a truly haunting ending. An intelligent script with a superb twist, quality acting and an atmospheric set (complete with graveyards, mist and autumn leaves) – what more could you want in a creepy movie?

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

“It is happening, and no one is safe.” Night of the Living Dead features some of the most brilliantly ominous radio broadcasts in all horror. When a group of strangers end up trapped in an isolated farmhouse together after the dead begin to rise, no one is in the mood for making friends, and it’s their own prejudices and stubbornness that leads to their downfall. (Well, that, and the fact that no one realized getting bitten by a ghoul would lead to death and reincarnation. Oops.)

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The zombie imagery is some of the most haunting ever committed to film, as vacant-eyed ghouls wander in and out of the shadows, chewing on dismembered body parts as they lurch around, constantly in search of fresh meat…

Candyman (1992)

Say his name five times into a mirror and the Candyman appears. Despite his sweet-sounding name, that’s not something you really want to do: Daniel Robitaille was a murdered artist, stung to death by bees in a racist attack, and so he tends not to be in a good mood when he shows up. Set in an urban tower block, this film demonstrates that horror can strike anywhere, not just in spooky old mansions in the middle of the countryside. It’s gory, grimy, and really quite disturbing.

M (1931)

A child murderer is stalking the streets of Berlin and, as the police seem unable to catch him, tensions run high. In an attempt to stop the nightly police raids, the town’s criminals decide to catch the killer themselves, and a frantic chase begins. Though there’s no actual onscreen violence, Peter Lorre is amazingly creepy as the whistling killer, and there’s a sense of corruption pervading the whole film. (Since both Lorre and Fritz Lang, the director, fled the country in fear of the Nazis soon after the film was made, it’s tempting to speculate on what M might be saying about Germany at the time, which only makes it all the creepier.)

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

An early example of the found footage genre, The Blair Witch Project has been aped and parodied by everyone and their grandma, but there’s something unsettling about it that hasn’t quite gone away. Most of the film is improvised; the actors are really filming the scenes themselves, working from a loose outline of the plot, but without prior knowledge of what half the scares were going to be. That ambiguous ending lets you make up whatever explanation you like for the events of the film, which means whatever the scariest thing you can think of is, that’s what the film is about.

The Orphanage (2007)

Laura (Belén Rueda) is returning to her childhood orphanage with her husband and son in order to open it as a care home for children with disabilities. She’s busy, but still has time to notice that seven year old Simón (Roger Príncep) has found an imaginary friend, Tomas. He might have a sack over his head, but what’s a little creepy mask between pals?

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Simón is adopted, so it’s only a little odd when a social worker shows up without an appointment. It’s slightly more odd that she’s snooping around in the shed at night. During a daytime party, Laura has an encounter of her own with a masked child, and then experiences every parent’s nightmare: Simón is missing. What follows is the story of a mother who takes the search for her son to the limits of her sanity. Geraldine Chaplin makes an appearance as the medium who conducts possibly the most spine-tingling of all onscreen séances, and there are some truly terrifying shocks during Laura’s search for the truth.

Director JA Bayona makes every shot count; the movie is visually beautiful as well as fantastically sinister. It’s a bona fide horror film but the ending might make you cry.

Ring (1998)

Ring isn’t a perfect film. It’s a bit too long and ponderous and there’s a bit too much irrelevant mysticism in there. But in terms of pure creepiness, it’s pretty damned effective. The idea of a cursed videotape was brilliant – who didn’t have zillions of unmarked VHS tapes lying around the house at the time? – and that climactic scene where the image on the screen crossed over into reality is bloodcurdling. Sneaky, too, since it managed to suggest that no one was safe. Especially not you, gentle viewer, because didn’t you just watch that cursed tape, too? An awful lot of people must have breathed a sigh of relief once their own personal seven-day window was over.

The Innocents (1961)

Based on Henry James’ The Turn of the Screw, this film sees a young governess heading out to an isolated old house to take care of two young children who appear to be keeping secrets from her. Their previous governess died, along with another of the house’s servants, but their influence still seems to be lingering about. Or is it? Just like in the original story, it’s possible to read the ghosts either as genuine spectres or as the fevered imaginings of an over-stressed and under-sexed young woman. Either way, though, the film is terrifying.

The Skeleton Key (2005)

In a decaying house on an old plantation, an old man is dying. Caroline is hired as his carer, but although her job should be simple enough, she begins to suspect that something weird is going on – especially when she finds a secret room in the house’s attic filled with spell books and other arcane bits and bobs.

Is the old man actually under a spell? Why does he seem so terrified of his wife? And might Caroline herself be in danger? The Skeleton Key is one of those films that’s far better than it has any right to be; it slowly ratchets up the tension to a crazy finale and ends on an incredibly creepy note.

Insidious (2010)

Insidious uses just about every trick in the book to creep out its audience, and for some people, that might seem like overkill. There are lurking monsters around every corner; there’s a child in peril; there are wrong-faced nasties; and there are screeching violins every five minutes. On repeat viewings, the plot doesn’t quite hold up (halfway through, the film switches protagonists, which is baffling) and the comedy relief seems grating rather than funny. But the carnival atmosphere, the nods to silent German Expressionist films, the demon’s bizarre appearance, that dancing ghost… there’s something brilliant about it, nonetheless.

Dark Water (2002)

Part of the initial wave of soggy dead girl movies, Dark Water is occasionally very daft, but still effectively creepy. Yoshimi Matsubara is a divorcee, forced by circumstances to move into a crumbling apartment block with her young daughter, Ikuko. Their new home isn’t in the nicest of areas, but it might be alright if it weren’t for the leaky ceiling – and, um, that creepy little girl lurking in the shadows, the one who’s never there when you take a second look. Directed by Hideo Nakata and based on a book by Koji Suzuki, Dark Water might not be as terrifying as Ring, but it’s still pretty eerie.

A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

The effects are dated, and the sequels utterly killed Freddy Krueger’s menace, but the first A Nightmare on Elm Street film is still creepy, in its way. The premise is amazingly disturbing – a dead child molester is attacking children in their dreams – and, combined with some of the deeply weird nightmare imagery in this film, it’s more than enough to give anyone a few sleepless nights. All together now: one, two, Freddy’s coming for you…

Uzumaki (2000)

Slowly, inexplicably, a small town is taken over by spirals. Some people become obsessed; others are killed, their bodies twisted into impossible positions. Uzumaki is a live action adaptation of the manga of the same name, and it’s incredibly weird. Unspeakably weird. Visually, it’s incredible, although the green filters look less interesting than they used to due to overuse by every horror and sci-fi movie since. Still, most films don’t go to the extremes that Uzumaki does.

The Devil’s Backbone (2001)

Yup, it’s another soggy dead kid movie, but this time the kid is a boy and the action is set in civil war-era Spain. A young boy is sent to a creepy orphanage, where the other boys scare one another by telling stories about the resident ghost, Santi, who was killed when the orphanage was bombed. Written and directed by Guillermo del Toro, this isn’t your average ghost story – it’s a companion piece to Pan’s Labyrinth, but it’s much more of a horror movie than its better known counterpart.

The Vanishing/Spoorloos (1988)

Saskia and Rex are on holiday when Saskia suddenly, inexplicably, disappears. Rex dedicates his time to trying to find her, but to no avail. He can’t move on, can’t live with the uncertainty, so when Saskia’s kidnapper reveals himself and offers to show Rex what happened to her, his curiosity wins out. It’s a simple yet eerie story with an utterly devastating ending.

Audition (1999)

Takashi Miike’s Audition is more often described as extremely disturbing rather than creepy, but if you can get over that ending (which, let’s be honest, most of us watched through our fingers or from behind a cushion while shouting “NO NO NO NO NO” at the screen), the rest of the film may well creep you out. It starts off slow: a middle-aged man is thinking about dating again, but rather than trying to meet women via traditional methods, he holds a series of fake auditions for a non-existent movie. He meets Asami, a shy dancer, and starts wooing her – but Asami isn’t as sweet and innocent as she seems. Pretty much every character in this movie is an awful person, and the way they treat one another is disturbing on many, many levels.

One Missed Call (2004)

Also directed by Takashi Miike, One Missed Call is a parody of the endless string of soggy dead girl movies made in Japan at the time. But somehow it’s still really creepy. The premise is that, as the title suggests, teenagers are receiving missed calls on their mobile phones. The mystery caller leaves a horrifying voicemail: the sound of the phone’s owner screaming in agony. And since the call came from the person’s own phone, and appears to come from a few days in the future, it’s clearly a sign of impending doom. Sure enough, the kids all die just as the missed call predicted. There’s a nasty little backstory about evil little girls, and a bonkers televised exorcism, and generally, it’s a great film whether you love or loathe stories about scary dead kids.

The Last Man on Earth (1964)

You might’ve thought about how you’d survive the apocalypse, but have you ever stopped to consider whether it’s actually worth doing? In The Last Man On Earth, Vincent Price is the only survivor of a mysterious plague that’s turned the rest of humanity into walking corpses, hungry for his blood. Every day, he tools up and goes out to kill the bloodsuckers; every night, they surround his house and try to kill him. It’s a dismal way to live, and a depressingly eerie film. It’s based on Richard Matheson’s novel I Am Legend – so skip the Will Smith adaptation and watch this instead.

A Tale Of Two Sisters (2003)

Part melodramatic family drama, part psychological horror, A Tale Of Two Sisters is all scary all the time. When a pair of sisters return from a mental hospital, having been traumatised by their mother’s death, they find their new stepmother difficult to adjust to. The nightly visitations from a blood-dripping ghost don’t help, either. But as always in these kinds of films, nothing is what it seems – you might need a second viewing to get your head round the ending.

Night of the Hunter (1955)

Robert Mitchum might have claimed not to be interested in movies or acting, but he’s great in this. As Harry Powell, a bizarrely religious conman, he’s terrifying, whether he’s preaching about the evils of fornication or chasing the children of his latest victim across the country in an attempt to steal a stash of money he knows they’re hiding. The use of light and shadow in this movie is just stunning; the first time Powell arrives at the Harper house is a particular highlight. Robert Mitchum’s singing voice isn’t half bad, either.

Peeping Tom (1960)

Peeping Tom was so controversial when it was released that it effectively ended director Michael Powell’s career. It’s violent, voyeuristic, and since it tells a story from the villain’s point of view; it’s entirely unsavoury. And it’s wonderful. It looks great, it has an amazingly twisted (and tragic) plot, and Carl Boehm is brilliant as Mark, the awkward, mild-mannered psychopath who feels compelled to murder as a result of his father’s deranged experiments. (That’s not a spoiler, by the way – but if I told you how he killed his victims, that might be.)

Psycho (1960)

Happily, 1960’s other movie about a disturbed serial killer was less of a career-killer. Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho is wonderful, sodden with guilt and tension right from the opening scene. It’s a shame that so many of its twists are so well-known now, because watching this without knowing what was going to happen must have been brilliant. It’s still great – beautiful to watch, genuinely tense and frequently unnerving – but it has lost some of its shock value over the years. (Also, the bit at the end where the psychiatrist explains everything in great detail is utterly superfluous.) Anthony Perkins’ final twitchy, smirky scene is seriously creepy though.

City Of The Dead / Horror Hotel (1960)

Getting the timing of a holiday wrong can have disastrous consequences, as City Of The Dead illustrates. Nan Barlow is a history student who, under the tutelage of Christopher Lee’s Professor Driscoll, becomes fascinated with the history of witchcraft, and decides to visit the site of a famous witch trial… but she arrives in town on Candlemas Eve, probably the most important date in the witches’ calendar. Um, oops.

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City Of The Dead is often compared to Psycho, and there are enough similarities between the films that you could assume it was a cheap rip-off – but though the campy US retitling supports that assumption, this was actually made before Hitchcock’s motel-based chiller. It’s definitely creepy enough to be worth watching on its own merits.

Village Of The Damned (1960)

For no apparent reason, one day every living being in the English village of Midwich falls unconscious. For hours, no one can get near Midwich without passing out. When they wake up, every woman in the village finds herself mysteriously pregnant. Obviously, their children aren’t normal, and something has to be done about them… Based on John Wyndham’s novel The Midwich Cuckoos, Village Of The Damned is more of a sci-fi movie than a horror movie – but it’s super creepy nonetheless.

Dolls (1987)

Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon toned things down a bit for this creepy fairy tale, but not much. When a group of awful human beings are forced to spend the night in the home of a couple of ancient toymakers, they soon get their comeuppance at the hands of – well, the title gives that away, doesn’t it? You’ll never look at Toys R Us in the same way again.

The Woman In Black (1989)

When a reclusive old lady dies in an isolated house out in the marshes, a young lawyer is sent to sort out her estate. But there’s something weird about her house, and the townspeople aren’t keen on helping sort things out, either. The TV version of this movie is far, far creepier than the Daniel Radcliffe version; there’s one moment in particular that will etch itself on your brain and continue to creep you out for years after you see it…

The Perfume of the Lady in Black (1974)

Beautifully shot with a great score, The Perfume of the Lady in Black is a dreamy, unsettling film where nothing is ever as it seems. The wonderfully named Mimsy Farmer plays Sylvia, a scientist haunted by melancholy and hallucinations. She’s never quite recovered from her mother’s suicide, and when she goes to a party where talk turns to witchcraft and human sacrifice, her sanity starts to unravel. But are her problems really all in her head, or is there something else going on? The film doesn’t reveal its secrets until the very end, when all that creepiness pays off spectacularly.

May (2002)

May was always a weird child, and unfortunately she’s grown into a weird adult, too. Unable to form any meaningful relationships with the people around her – not even a class of blind children she thinks might be kinder to her than the people who can see how strange and awkward she is – May decides she’ll need to take this “making a friend” business into her own hands. Dark and twisted and incredibly gory, May is as sad and sweet as it is creepy. A lot of that is attributable to Angela Bettis, whose performance is adorably unnerving.

Nosferatu (1922)

In this unauthorised take on Dracula, the evil Count is depicted not as a tragic or romantic anti-hero, but as a horrifying embodiment of the plague – complete with an entourage of rats. Max Schreck makes a brilliantly weird-looking vampire, all teeth, ears and fingernails; his shadow is especially unnerving. Although the ending as presented seems a little abrupt, it’s conceptually horrifying – as is the fact that, due to a copyright claim filed by Bram Stoker’s estate, all but one copy of this movie was destroyed back in the 1920s.

Vampyr (1932)

In a spooky old inn, Allan Grey is visited in the night by an old man who leaves him a gift-wrapped book, with instructions to open it only on the occasion of the man’s death. Which turns out to be soon. The book explains that the town is plagued by vampires – and, helpfully, gives instructions on how to kill them. Vampyr is an early sound film, so while there is some sound and a little dialogue, most of the silent film conventions are still in place. It has a fairly straightforward, Dracula-esque story, but the plot’s not the point. It’s a deliberately strange film, full of disembodied dancing shadows and weird dream sequences; there’s something almost otherworldly about it.

Dracula (1931)

Bela Lugosi is the definitive Dracula. With his eerie eyes and wonderful accent, he’s brilliantly threatening as the charming Count, but despite his iconic performance here, he’s not the creepiest thing about this film. Nope, that honor goes to Dwight Frye’s portrayal of Renfield, the lunatic spider-eater under Dracula’s control. He’s amazing, all awkward body language and hysterical laughter. Lugosi’s oddly cadenced speech has been emulated and parodied a zillion times, which takes away some of its power; Frye’s performance, on the other hand, is just downright disturbing.

White Zombie (1932)

A year after Dracula, Bela Lugosi starred as Murder Legendre, an evil voodoo master, in one of the first ever zombie movies. The zombies here aren’t flesh-eating ghouls but obedient slaves, working tirelessly in Legendre’s mill. Even when one of them tumbles into a grinder, work doesn’t stop. When the plantation owner goes to Legendre for help winning the heart of the girl he loves, he’s handed a dose of the zombie potion – and now the only way to break Legendre’s spell over the innocent girl is to kill him. Lugosi is suitably menacing, and the drone-like zombies are properly eerie.

The Cursed Medallion/The Night Child (1975)

For a few years, in 1970s Italy, Nicoletta Elmi was the go-to creepy kid. She pops up in Mario Bava’s Bay of Blood and Baron Blood, and in Dario Argento’s Deep Red, among others, but she’s never more creepy than she is in The Cursed Medallion. Here, she plays Emily, the daughter of an art historian who’s making a documentary on demons in paintings. She’s given a medallion but, as the title suggests, it’s cursed, and she ends up possessed by the spirit of a murderess. It’s atmospheric, lovingly photographed and, of course, Elmi is awesome in the lead role.

The Descent (2005)

A group of friends go off on a spelunking holiday, but get more than they bargained for when it turns out that the caves they’re exploring are dangerous in more ways than one. There’s enough time spent on character development that you really feel it when the group starts to get thinned out; there’s some incredibly painful-looking gore; and there are some amazingly freaky monsters. Watch it in a darkened room to make the most of its wonderfully claustrophobic atmosphere.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

The shine might’ve come off this movie because the Paranormal Activity franchise has become Lionsgate’s new one-every-Halloween cash cow, but there’s something deliciously creepy about this movie. Rewatching it now, even knowing when all the scares are coming, it’s still chilling. In a neat twist on the traditional haunted house story, Paranormal Activity’s entity haunts a person, not a house – so its victim can’t just pack up and move. The found footage conceit is used to great effect, making you stare intently at grainy nighttime footage of an empty room, straining your ears for distant footsteps, before making you jump out of your skin with a loud bang. (Pro tip: the movie has three different endings, so if you think you’re bored of it, try one of the others.)

Ju-on: The Grudge (2002)

So much of the effectiveness of a horror movie comes down to its sound design. A well-placed creak, groan, echo, or jangle can make the difference between something completely normal and something terrifying. New scary noises don’t come along very often, but Ju-on: The Grudge managed to come up with something unlike any other scary noise you’ve heard before. Its ghost makes a weird rattling, burping groan as she approaches; it’s kind of like a death rattle, kind of like a throttled scream, and it’s creepier than anything you’ve ever heard before. The film is relentless, light on plot and heavy on jump scares, but it’s that noise that’ll stay with you.

Julia’s Eyes (2010)

Julia and her twin sister, Sara, both suffer from the same degenerative disease – one that causes them to go blind. When Sara undergoes experimental surgery and subsequently kills herself, Julia suspects foul play – and, indeed, something weird seems to be going on, with whisperings about an invisible man lurking in the shadows. But as Julia gets closer to the truth, her own eyesight suffers more and more…The film restricts our vision almost as much as Julia’s; it’s almost unbearably claustrophobic, and ultimately heartbreaking.

The Eye (2002)

Another film about eyes and the horrors of going blind, The Eye follows Mun, a classical violinist from Hong Kong, as she undergoes an eye transplant. Although the transplant seems to be successful – Mun can see again – something isn’t right, because now she can see dead people. And most of them are terrifying. The ending is vaguely preposterous, but the rest of the film is creepy enough that it’s forgivable.

Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979)

Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn Of The Dead features perhaps the creepiest zombies ever committed to film. When a boat turns up in New York harbour with only a zombie on board, investigative reporter Peter West sets out to find out where the boat came from and what’s going on. He ends up on the island of Matool, where the dead are returning to life to eat the flesh of the living… and they’re really, really gross. Zombie Flesh Eaters was initially classified as a video nasty in the UK, and it’s not difficult to see why. Its atmosphere elevates it above your average exploitation movie, though; there’s something really melancholy about it.

[REC] (2007)

When a local news crew decided to tag along with the fire brigade for an evening, they probably didn’t realise they’d end up fighting from their lives in a zombie-infested tower block. Co-written and co-directed by Paco Plaza and Jaume Balaguero (yup, him again), [REC] is a decent enough zombie movie, until the final reel, when it reveals an even more terrifying ace up its sleeve.

Let Me In (2010)

Although remakes are usually terrible, Matt Reeves’ take on this unusual vampire story was both respectful of and different from the original and, for my money, it’s creepier. Lonely tween Owen doesn’t have any friends until the equally strange Abby moves in next door. They embark on an odd friendship/proto-romance, but Abby has a secret: she’s a vampire. The use of a candy jingle is, against all odds, really eerie, and by paring the story down to its most essential elements (and getting rid of that daft cat scene) Let Me In makes for a scarier watch than Let The Right One In.

Carnival Of Souls (1962)

After a traumatic accident, weird things start happening to Mary. A strange man seems to be stalking her, though no one else can see him, and she feels irresistibly drawn to an abandoned pavilion out in the middle of nowhere. Once upon a time, the pavilion housed a carnival, but now it’s just an empty building… or is it? There’s nothing surprising about the plot of this movie to a modern audience – you’ll have the whole film worked out within about five minutes – but it is gloriously creepy. The climactic scenes at the carnival are pure nightmare fuel.

The Shining (1980)

Probably the most effective of all the Stephen King adaptations, The Shining plonks Jack Nicholson down in the middle of a creepy hotel and lets him do his thing. Nicholson plays Jack Torrance, a struggling writer who gets a winter job as caretaker of The Overlook Hotel, where the isolation and/or ghosts send him out of his mind. There are so many creepy images in this film: the twin girls who just want to play, the woman in room 237, the lift full of blood, and, oh, lots more.

The Cabinet Of Doctor Caligari (1920)

Appropriately, watching The Cabinet Of Doctor Caligari feels like slipping into a nightmare. Caligari’s cabinet holds Cesare, the sleepwalker – a catatonic oracle able to answer questions of life and death with eerie accuracy. Is Caligari a hypnotist, a murderer, or both? It’s a strange story, made stranger with a twist ending, and rendered impossibly creepy by the Expressionist production design. The weird, distorted hand-painted sets give the film a crude, unreal beauty and, if anything, the passage of time has increased the film’s creepiness, because it’s so utterly unlike modern films.

The Exorcist (1973)

An obvious choice, but The Exorcist is genuinely scary. It’s deceptively simple: the filming style is realistic, the locations are ordinary-looking and, by comparison to more modern horror movies, there aren’t many elaborate effects or stunts. But the film makes every scary moment count. It’s atmosphere is oppressive, claustrophobic – there’s an ever-present sense of dread throughout. It ought to feel more dated than it does, but even now, the demonic makeup and scratchy voice of the possessed Regan gives me goosebumps.

The Omen (1976)

Damien is probably the ultimate creepy child. Adopted by the Thorns when their own newborn dies, it doesn’t take long for his dark side to emerge: Damien is the Antichrist.

There are so many iconic moments in this film, so many things that have shaped both the horror genre and our culture’s idea of evil; something about this film really struck a chord, and even now it’s pretty effective. Every death scene in this movie is memorable, but the suicide of Damien’s nanny at his birthday party particularly stands out.

Ghostwatch (1992)

Originally shown on UK TV at Halloween, Ghostwatch scared a whole generation shitless. It’s presented as a live broadcast, starring familiar BBC faces: Michael Parkinson plays host, while Sarah Green and Craig Charles report from the scene as a normal family recount their experiences with the terrifying ghost they’ve dubbed “Pipes”. The shadowy figure of a man is glimpsed several times throughout the show, some appearances more obvious than others, and as viewers call in to share their own stories, things get weirder and weirder…Okay, this isn’t technically a film, but it is so amazingly creepy and brilliant that it couldn’t be left off the list.

The Wicker Man (1973)

The Wicker Man is a wonderful mishmash of genres: it’s got humour, horror, singing and sex. It frequently teeters on the edge of absurdity. But at heart, it’s deeply creepy. When devout Christian Sgt Howie visits the isolated community of Summerisle, he thinks he’s investigating the abduction of a little girl – and the villagers certainly do seem to be acting suspiciously. But as his investigation continues, it becomes clear that something entirely different is going on. Howie runs headlong to his doom, and its final scene is downright spine-chilling.

Suspiria (1977)

Suspiria is Dario Argento’s finest hour. It’s eyeball-meltingly beautiful to look at, all unnatural neon lighting and ridiculously lavish set design; the music is cacophonous, a never-ending wall of sound that doesn’t let up; and the plot is, well, it’s functional enough.

Suzy, an American ballet dancer, flies to an exclusive dance school in Germany only to find herself in the midst of a murder investigation – and something weird is definitely going on with the teachers. If you haven’t seen Suspiria in a while, treat yourself to the Blu-ray. There’s nothing restrained about this movie, nothing ordinary; it sneaks up on you and worms its way into your brain. It’s brilliant.

The post The Best Creepy Horror Movies appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[1899-newsboy-strike]

The Twins Pt. 3 - Johnny Cade Imagine

The Twins Masterlist

A/N: Just a quick disclaimer, if you see this story on Wattpad under the title “Dallas Winston’s Twin Sister” it is not a copy or I’m not trying to copy it, it is my story from well over two years ago that I am just rewriting and actually finishing 

Warnings: Dallas being Dallas, fighting

Summary: The only things you and your brother cared about were each other, and your best friend Johnny. You cared about the rest of the gang, but Johnny was like the younger brother you both never had. You’d do whatever you had to in order to protect your friend, even when it means you were the one in danger. 

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When you got to the drive in, the movie was already playing and all four of you slid through the hole under a gate right by the show one by one. You passed this one mustang, and you could hear this girl arguing with her boyfriend making you laugh. The four of you hopped over a railing and got seats almo. The same girl that was arguing with her boyfriend sat right in front of us with her friend making me groan internally. 

"I'm freezing man." Ponyboy complained shifting in his seat uncomfortably. 

"Why didn't you bring a coat stupid?" Dallas asked while he tried to turn on his match to light his cigarette. 

"I forgot." Ponyboy muttered looking at the movie. You slipped off your jacket, handing it over to Ponyboy. 

"Here." You told him, but he shook his head making you roll your eyes putting it back on. Dallas went to the seat next to some redhead and was finally able to light his match, making both of the girls jump. One started giggling and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. 

"Some cute redhead huh?" Dallas told you making the other girl giggle. "Are you a real redhead?" He asked the girl going up to her real close and not to anyone's surprise the other girl giggled again.

"Come on Dal." Johnny said and you looked over at him shaking your head. If Johnny told him to stop, Dallas would probably get mad and you didn't need Dallas mad at Johnny. 

"Are you real?" Dallas asked again as he put his feet up on the chair next to her making him fall out of his chair making all of you laugh while he got back up. "How can I find out if this is your real red hair? If this is the same red hair that you have on your uh" Dallas started and you smirked trying not to laugh since you knew what he was gonna say next. "These eyebrows. Is it?" He finished and you scoffed making him shoot you a look. Dallas laughed to himself, sitting back down making you shake your head. 

"Cut it out Dal." Johnny told him looking back at the girls. You nudged him with your leg silently telling him to be quiet. Dallas was messing with the back of the girls chair like a child and you had to hold back a laugh because you could tell she was getting annoyed. 

"Get your feet off my chair and shut your trap." The girl said over her shoulder to Dallas. 

"Who's gonna make me huh? Your boyfriend?" Dallas asked her as Johnny got up. 

"I'm gonna get a coke." He told you while he left making Dallas have to put down his legs. 

"Leave her alone Dal." Ponyboy told him and you pinched Ponyboy making him hit your hand. No one tells Dallas what to do, he’d never listen. You saw the giggly girl whisper something to the redhead, making your eyebrows knit together. 

"Sure whatever you say honey." Dallas told Ponyboy, making you smirk and give Dallas a small high five. 

"You better leave us alone or I'll call the cops." The red threatened him making you laugh. 

"Oh my my. You got me scared to death. What, what am I gonna do now Y/N huh? This girl's making me shake." Dallas joked, making you laugh even more. 

"Why don't you leave us alone? Be nice and leave us alone!" The girl said getting mad cutting Dallas off from saying something else. 

"I'm never nice." Dallas replied, getting close to her again. "Can I interest you in a Coca-Cola or a 7-up?" Dallas asked, almost sounding polite. 

"Get lost hood!" She screamed in Dallas' face making you glare at her. 

"Hey I'm sorry. I didn't, I didn't know you had this problem with, yelling in my face. Okay, all right I'll go. I know when I'm not wanted." Dallas explained getting up and walking away. 

"Are you gonna start in on us now too?" The redhead asked, turning around to face you. 

"Please, you're both not my type." You joked, giving Ponyboy a small shove. 

"No." Ponyboy replied to her softly. 

"You don't look the type anyway. What's your name?" She asked Ponyboy as she looked at you cautiously. 

"Ponyboy Curtis." Ponyboy told her, shifting in his seat. 

"That's an original name." She told him laughing a little while she ignored you. You didn't really care since you already didn't like her. 

"Yeah. My dad, he was an original person. I got a brother named Sodapop. It even says so on his birth certificate." Ponyboy told her, sounding excited. If you got money every time he said that you'd probably be able to bail Dallas out of jail whenever he goes. 

"My name is Sherri but my friends call me Cherry because of my hair." She told him, smiling at him softly. 

"Yeah I know. We go to the same school. You're a cheerleader." Ponyboy told her adding the last part when she gave him a confused look.

 "You don't look old enough to be going to high school." The other girl told him. 

"What's a nice boy like you doing hanging around with that trash?" Cherry asked, making you roll your eyes. 

"Dally's my buddy and Dani's brother. I'm a grease too. We're all friends." Ponyboy told her, sounding upset. 

"I'm sorry I didn't know." She told him, sounding like she felt bad, but there was no doubt in your mind that it was probably fake. 

Johnny finally came back from getting coke, and you stopped paying attention to the conversation between Cherry and Ponyboy. You grabbed Johnny's coke out of his hand, drinking some giving him a small smile. He looked at you like he was about to complain about you getting some but, but you quickly kissed his cheek. 

"Thanks Johnny." You laughed making him blush. Dallas walked up with a countless amount of drinks, and handed them to each of you. 

"Here, since I stole some from you you can have the one with more in it." You told Johnny, handing him your cup, switching with his. 

"Here, I thought this might cool you off." Dallas told Cherry, handing her a drink making you laugh a little. 

"Maybe that will cool you off greaser. When you learn to talk and act decent I might cool off too!" Cherry exclaimed while she threw the drink in Dallas' face. 

"Fiery huh? Just the way I like it ‘em." Dallas replied, getting close to Cherry. 

"Leave her alone Dallas." You told him when you saw Johnny was about to say something. 

"What'd you say?" He asked you, getting mad. 

"You heard me. I said leave her alone." You told him standing up. You thought it was better to have Dallas get mad at you than Johnny. 

"What'd you say you little shit? What'd you say to me?" He asked again, getting more mad. 

"You heard me, kid brother." You told him getting mad right back. You were born before a few minutes Dallas and you always used it to your advantage when you had to. 

"You wise ass." He mumbled as Johnny pulled you back down to sit next to him. Dallas got up pushing his chair making it fall before he walked away. 

"Thanks." Johnny whispered to you and you nodded smiling at him. 

"Now you blew it." Ponyboy told you, making you scoff. 

"He's my brother little Curtis, I can talk to him however I please." You told him, stealing a piece of popcorn from his container. 

"Thank you. He had me scared to death." She nodded to you, giving you attention for the first time that night. 

"Sure didn't show it. Ain't nobody talk to Dal like that." Johnny chipped in. 

"From what I saw, she does." Cherry replied looking at you. 

"That's different, I'm his sister, I'm allowed to talk to him however I like." You shrugged, drinking your coke. 

"Why don't y'all sit up here with us so you can protect us?" The other girl asked the three of you, smiling. 

"What do you think man?" Johnny asked Ponyboy who had a smile on his face. 

"Might as well." Ponyboy agreed, wiping the smile off his face pretty quickly. You all sat in the empty chairs near the girls, and got settled in. 

"How old are y'all?" The other girl asked. 

"14" "16" "17" You all told them. 

"Huh I thought both you boys were-" Cherry started and she said 16 while her friend said 14. "You look a little older though." Cherry told you and you shrugged. 

"Go through stuff you might look older too red." You told her, giving her your own nickname, making her look away awkwardly after that. 

"How come y'all ain't scared of us like you was Dally?" Johnny asked them. 

"You two are too sweet looking to scare anyone. You're surprisingly just like your brother though." Cherry replied. aiming the last part toward you making you shrug. People always said that you were like a girl version of Dallas. You’d been to jail about the same amount of times, maybe Dallas a few more than you, but the gang knew me and knew I could be sweet when I wanted to be. "Besides I know about the Winston’s. You and Johnny don't look mean." She told Ponyboy, making you furrow your brows, wondering what she meant. 

"Yeah right. We're young and innocent." Ponyboy said, sounding like an upset child.

"No, you're just not dirty." She told him. 

"Come on Dal and Y/N are okay. I mean they're tough and all but they're both cool if you get to know them." Johnny told her, sticking up for the both of you making you smile at him. 

"He'd leave you alone if he knew who you were." Ponyboy explained. 

"Well I'm glad he doesn't know us. I kind of admire him." Cherry thought out loud making you mentally gag. 

"All right greaser you're dead!" You heard from behind you as someone grabbed Johnny. Johnny jumped out of his skin, and you all looked and saw Twobit. 

"Hey Twobit." Ponyboy called from where he was sitting. 

"This hair's out of place." Twobit laughed running his switchblade over Johnny's hair. 

"Do you mind?" You asked the other girl, reaching for her soda. She shook her head, handing it to you making you nod as a thank you to her. 

"Here kid. Have a beer it'll settle your nerves." Twobit told Johnny, handing him the beer he’d brought. You sucked up some soda through the straw before spitting it at Twobit before handing back the girl her drink. 

"That's not funny Twobit." You told him while he wiped his face. 

"Well who do we got here your great grandmothers?" Twobit joked making the girl laugh. "What are you young ladies doing hanging out with these greasers anyway huh? Twobit asked, trying to sound like a Soc. 

"Dal was bothering them and they wanted us to come sit with them." Johnny told Twobit. 

"He was huh?" Twobit asked near your face, squeezing your shoulder hard getting you back for spitting coke in his face. "Where is old Dal now anyway?" He asked. 

"Yeah where is old Dally?" You heard someone asked and you looked up to see Tim Shepard. 

"He left Tim." Ponyboy told him, picking at his popcorn. 

"Hey I know he slashed my tires." Tim accused, angrily looking over at you. 

"Look Tim. He left. He's not here. Really. You guys seen Dally?" Ponyboy asked all of you winking and you all said no. 

"Yeah well I'll be looking for him. Come on Winston." Tim told you, making you look over at him confused. 

"What?" You asked as he was staring at you. 

"Come on we are going to go find your brother." He explained, walking up to you, grabbing your upper arm pulling you out of my chair. 

"Hey Tim if Dally did slash your tires it's not Y/N's fault." Twobit told him as he was about to get up.

"If I don't find Dally then someone’s gotta pay for it. Got to give him a message now don't I?" Tim asked as he pulled you close to him. You looked up at Tim while he looked down at you, and he had a look in his eye that was meaner than usual. 

"Y/N." You heard from behind you and you looked back seeing Johnny. 

"It'll be alright Johnny don't worry." You told him while Tim dragged you away. 

"Hey I can walk by myself okay." You spat at him, pulling your arm out of his grip. 

"Doesn't look like it." He fired back when he saw you grabbing your side where William had kicked you earlier. "What happened?" He asked, almost sounding worried. 

"Don't act like you care Shepard." You rolled your eyes as you kept walking. He muttered something under his breath and you were about to say something, but he grabbed you by the neck with a firm grip. "There he is." He whispered to me. "Hey Winston!" Tim called Dallas who was talking to a girl. Dallas looked over and quickly walked over to us, ignoring everybody around him. 

"Let her go." Dallas glared at Tim. 

"I know you slashed my tires Dallas." Tim told him, tightening his grip around your neck.

"He didn't slash them Tim. I did." You choked out, lying and saw Dallas look at you in shock. 

"No I-" Dallas started but you cut him off. 

"Don't try and cover for me Dallas. I slashed the tires." You told Tim, and his grip loosened. He spun me around and you got a good blow to the face. He threw you to Dallas and he caught you holding you tightly to him. 

"Do it again Winston and it'll be worse." Tim spat over to us and you sighed when he walked away. 

"Do something like that again and I'm gonna kill you." Dallas explained, shoving you. 

"You already fought someone once today because of me. I just returned the favor." You told him, and  probably made him even more mad. "I probably won't come back tonight because I'm gonna stay with Johnny and make sure he's okay because he's been acting strange lately." I told Dallas and he nodded smiling a little. "Wait." You stopped before walking away. "What did Johnny tell you earlier that he wouldn't tell me?" You  asked, looking up at  Dallas. 

"Now you'll just have to ask him yourself now won't you?" Dallas told you, smiling and avoided the question. You groaned to yourself, walking back toward the drive in and you saw the boys walking with Cherry and her friend before you ran up behind them, jumping onto Twobit's back to scare him.

-------------------------------------

Tag List: Let me know if you would like to be tagged in this series

@the-aussie-fangirl @wnygirl2012 @mathletemadison

[zin-33]

OVERWATCH OC - NAOMI

Born into the Omnic Crisis in 2041, Naomi Casanova only knew a life of bloodshed and survival for most of her childhood years. Her father was Russian, while her mother was American. Naomi was born with an American accent over a Russian one, but her father loved her nonetheless. When the attacks in New York began, the streets became a total warzone. Naomi's mother was killed in the crossfire when she was six years old, but her father always told her that she had to move on if she wanted to survive. He taught her how to shoot a gun and defend herself because there would be other survivors in the city ruins that would want to rob them or try to hurt them, even with the omnics still invading New York. Naomi and her father survived for months until her father took a bullet from a scout Bastion. Her father told her to leave him, and gave her everything he had. Naomi ran, and ran, and ran. She was all alone, now.

She survived all by herself for two months until she was found by a group of military scouts when the invasion of New York was over. She didn't trust them, and ultimately aimed her gun at them. But once they provided proof of who they were, she stood down. They rescued her, and sent her somewhere safe. When the crisis ended in 2051, she was ten years old. She eventually found a foster family, but had trouble fitting in. She had trouble fitting in anywhere. She was a fighter, and didn't take anything from anybody. At 15, she got into a fight which resulted in her breaking another man's nose, and his arm. She didn't go home after that, she went back to the streets to do the only thing she knew how to do: survive. She stayed on the streets, and for the first couple days it was hard. There was no war going on, no omnics roaming around so she could scavenge a place for food without notice. Eventually she ran into a gang roaming around, and they decided to help her. She was taken in, fed, and took care of. But eventually, she picked up bad habits. She got hooked on adrenaline, among other things. The gang she was in always bought the stuff, they were all hooked on it. Eventually, they ran out of money to give. Their supplier came by, and demanded his money. They couldn't give it, so Naomi stepped up and explained the situation. She told him she needed time, but declined to give it to her, and had her whole gang executed in front of her. After this she lost her temper, and went for her gun. Before she could fire, she was shot in the chest by her now former supplier. She was left for dead, but was also smart. She waited until he left her to bleed out before she started to use what strength she still had to stand back up. She walked for about five minutes until she collapsed, but someone nearby saw her and took her to a hospital.

After missing for little over a year, her foster parents were relieved to hear she was alive, but were hurt by how she was found. After getting out of the hospital, her foster parents convinced her to get clean, and get clean she did. By 18 she was clean, but still had that fighting spirit she was given so long ago now. She did some thinking, and finally figured out where she belonged. She talked to her foster parents about it, and ultimately she enlisted in the military in 2059. She was fierce, top of her class, and ready to do whatever she had to do. With Talon running about, one of her first missions was to drop into a warzone with them and eliminate them. She accomplished this objective with little to no casualties, and thus her career continued. She participated in many missions until an accident when she was 25 years old in 2066. She lead a mission against Talon, the first mission she ever commanded, but it went wrong. Intel was sabotaged, it was a trap. Her entire squad was killed by an ambush, but Naomi wished she had suffered that same fate. A stray bullet went through the electrical panel behind her, causing it to explode. Naomi was charged with electricity, and thrown across the room simultaneously. She was left for dead once again, Talon didn't take prisoners on this mission. She was found the next day by search and rescue, but her heart was badly damaged during the explosion.

Surgeons couldn't do anything, and in her condition with no donor, transplant was not an option. When hope seemed lost, Overwatch stepped in. The issue was her heart was damaged and it was losing it's will to give enough electricity to beat. Winston and Mercy teamed up and managed to develop a small, self sustaining energy source to supply electricity to her heart. It was surgically implanted, and part of it was left exposed on her chest for easy access. The skin bonded around the outer edges, but the center was still there. It glowed a bright, blue glow from her upper chest. The machine did just what it was developed to do: supplied the right amount of energy to her heart.

She thanked them for what they did, but stated that she wished that they had just let her go. She lost everything she cared about twice over, and Angela decided to open up to her about how she continued forward. Naomi listened, and decided if Angela could move forward, so could she. She inquired about her new implant, and got curious about what it could really do. She approached Torbjorn, and asked if it would be possible to connect something to her implant. It was possible, but risky. Torbjorn developed armor for her, and connected it to her implant. It supplied power to it, but not enough to charge the overshields. Mercy wasn't happy at all to hear about this, but Naomi convinced her that it could work, she just needed more power. Torbjorn, Mercy, and Winston all three put their minds together, and started working on a new power core for her chest implant. Once Strike Commander Morrison learned about it, he called the four of them to his office. He halted production on the project, and spoke to Naomi. He stated that development couldn't continue, not without knowing what she planned to do with this technology. She explained that she planned to fight against Talon with it, but Morrison was still unconvinced. He said the only way he would allow production to continue was if she joined Overwatch, so her uses of this technology could be used without worry. Naomi accepted, leading Morrison to greenlight the project, allowing it to continue.

After the new power core was created, Mercy explained that she would have to do this with Naomi conscious. Naomi laid back on the table, as Mercy connected the interfacing cable to a small port on Naomi's chest implant. Mercy, after interfacing, ejected the power core from Naomi's implant, causing it to pop out of her chest. Naomi started feeling weird the moment it was ejected, the lightheadedness was immediate. Mercy removed the power core, and inserted the new one, pushing it into her chest. She went back to the interfacing terminal and watched as the implant inside her chest accepted the new power core, immediately starting to supply electricity to Naomi's heart again. Torbjorn suited her up in her armor and connected her chest implant to her armor again, and it successfully powered the armor's overshields. Morrison was impressed, and began her training as an Overwatch agent. Her training went well, and soon enough she was out on missions. She had a pistol as her weapon of choice, developed by Winston. Heavy pulse pistol, 15 rounds before the weapon needs to cooldown before firing again. Things were going well, all up until the explosion that lead to Reyes killing Antonio. Overwatch started losing public trust rapidly, and Naomi knew it. When everything in King's Row went down, Naomi knew it was a matter of time until Overwatch collapsed. She ended up confronting Overwatch Agent Essix about this, and Essix even agreed: Overwatch was going down faster than it could pick it's self up.

After Ana Amari was presumed dead, Naomi had already had enough. She was ready to leave. Everything was coming down, and she wasn't going to be there when it all came crashing down on their heads. She gathered her things, her armor, and started to leave. Morrison confronted her, even leveled with her. He knew everything was going wrong, but he was doing what he could to correct it. She took a lot convincing, but ultimately Morrison convinced her to stay. After Doomfist was defeated, Naomi saw to it herself that he made it to his cell. She asked him why he was doing all of this, causing all of this chaos. He said it was because conflict was how humanity evolved, but she wasn't buying it. She's seen first hand what conflict can do, having been fighting most of her life. Doomfist saw fighting spirit in her, and tried to convince her to change sides, that Overwatch wasn't right for her. He stated they were holding her back, and that her true fighting spirit was caged by rules and regulations, and would never be satisfied that way. His attempt proved futile, as Naomi declined his offer.

It wasn't long after this, and Overwatch HQ exploded. Naomi attended the funerals, and left Overwatch. By this time, she was 30 years old. She took everything she had, and started a life back in New York. It was weird for her, living there again without everything being a pile of rubble. She took a job there, got her own place, and that's when the news happened: Overwatch was officially disbanded. She wasn't surprised, she knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time until it did. She attended group meetings to help cope into civilian life, and continued to live in New York after everything went down. Lena would call every now and then to check up on her, make sure she was alright. After she got herself sorted out, she decided to seek out her former foster parents, reestablish contact with them. They were still alive, and this brought her some sense of peace. Seeing them again after all these years, it felt great. They were proud of everything she did for the world, proud of what she became. They even flew in from Chicago to see her in person, and they obviously couldn't help but point out the blue light emitting from underneath her shirt. She explained what happened, and what the machine does. They were glad she survived though, and stayed over for the weekend until they flew back out.

Over the next seven years, Naomi kept living her own life in New York. She had everything except a love life, she was too afraid to try one. With everything in her past, she was afraid that she would scare them off. She made friends, of course, but she was never willing to make that next step. She had been paying attention to the news, and saw that another omnic crisis had begun. It brought back memories for her, memories she didn't ever want to experience again. One night, she received a message from an old friend. By this time, she was 37 years old. She talked to her boss about it since her boss was someone she became good friends with, and obviously her boss knew who she was formerly. She wanted to stay and have a normal life, but her boss convinced her that her friends needed her again, and promised to keep quiet about it. She put in her resignation, and set out to reunite with Winston and whoever else answered his message. She was nervous to reunite with other former members of Overwatch, but she had been watching the news, too. She knew what he was planning to do, and she damn sure wasn't going to let the world go to hell like it when she was born, not if she could help it.

Additional information

Name: Naomi

Full name: Naomi Eva Casanova

E - Divert Power: Empower your Heavy Pulse Pistol with energy, making your next five shots deal more damage. Unused empowered shots will expire if the timer runs out.

Shift - Energy Surge: Grant yourself 50 shields immediately, reduces damage taken slightly, and increases your movement by a moderate amount for a short time.

Secondary fire - Aim: Aim down your weapon's sights for better accuracy and slightly more damage, but reduces rate of fire by a small amount.

Q - Energy Blast: Fire a deadly blast of energy from your hands into the direction you are facing, dealing devastating damage to anyone caught inside of it.

HP: 100

Shields: 100

Role: Damage

Weapon: Heavy Pulse Pistol

Clip size: 15

Images above are rendered models in blender combined with texture editing and photoshop, so I could give this one a look I genuinely liked. Naomi came out even better than I expected, after putting so much work into her!

[streetsofsecrets-a]

TW: the n-word - both forms of it, a general discussion of explicit historical racism, and domestic abuse.

--Bedford Stuyvesant, 1961.

    Grandaddy had rings, but she was not given the privilege to do anything except look on. Now once upon a time, great admiration was tied to her wistful gazes. However since Ms. Bedel moved in, those days came to an end.

    Now Ms. Bedel had a name, which was “Lucille Tallulah Masters-Bedel.” Delores did not know how a person could have two last names but apparently, Bedel was the last name of her dead husband. How could she bring herself to reside with a new man when love was supposed to last forever? Delores did not know - and was not allowed to ask, for that matter.

     In fact Delores Littlejohn, a young girl of seven, was prohibited from pushing out her lips and daring to sound out Lu, because the hand of this old woman would come flying before she could say cille. Not her mother, and not ever going to be her mother, this adult insisted she be called Ms. Bedel. If the youth desired to be more casual there was always, “ma’am” that could be said in place. Now, being a quiet, obedient (and as her grandfather would sometimes put it, “simple”) little thing, Delores never thought of doing anything other than what was said.

      Any other young girl would see Ms. Bedel as a fat haggard woman set in her ways, but Delores honestly thought there were no flaws in Grandaddy’s lover. If there were, she certainly could not detect them. Appreciation factored into this child’s blind ignorance, because after all: Ms. Bedel was the one who bathed her at the end of each day, detangled her hair, fixed she and her Grandaddy dinner, ensured she wore “baby doll” dresses, and eventually, Delores had the honor of being among her jewelry. 

    It was absolutely exciting to watch thick fingers pull out a wooden key and insert it into the jewelry’s box slot for the first time. Then, with a turn, it was opened and treasures were right before her eyes.

     If somebody said, “don’t do that,” Delores would not engage in whatever was before her. If somebody said, “don’t speak,” Delores would never open her mouth. Thus to be enabled - to have rings and necklaces and earrings capable of touching and tracing with her fingertips - filled her little body with utmost delight. She knew she was privileged and she would use every ounce of it. Also while basking in this privilege, Delores would realize there existed differences between a man’s ring and a woman’s.

     Granddaddy’s rings were thick accessories of solid colors: more often than not the dimmest shades of silver and gold. So dull it was almost if they were old decorations that lost what could once make them shine. There were a few bumps - prongs, and frankly they just looked downright sad in contrast to Ms. Bedel’s prized possessions that shined. That shimmered. 

    Her earrings dangled, shaped from gold. Her rings had what she thinks are authentic, real diamonds protruding in the center. And her necklaces? They were full of the beautiful little rocks, as well.

    “Where do these come from?” Delores would ask.

    “Child, everything you see before you has a story.”

     “During the Harlem Renaissance, I held a man named Aliki Eliopoulos in the palm of my hand. He was bronze, Greek, and thought we could make it through the odds. Hmpfh. He was unaware that I had no intentions with him. One night, he found me after the curtain closed and he presented this. This necklace is dear to me…I suppose because I never quite knew where Aliki went.”

      Ms. Bedel missed the discomfort worn on the child’s face, too caught in her own reflections. Really, what Delores desired to hear were the literal tales of the source where all that glittered came from, and furthermore she had wondered who was skilled enough to make such beautiful things. 

    “This engagement ring - not a wedding ring - engagement, was given to me by my first husband. To accept it would mean I would make a vow to remain pure for him. He knew of my past, and knew that even if I couldn’t right my wrongs, I could try to start over in his name. I think he had that idea because he was Catholic - hmfph. I don’t believe in true love. I’m a jaded woman…Delores.” Ms. Bedel did not say her name to end the statement, she was calling to her. Sharply, at that.

     “Ma’am?”

     “Don’t follow in my footsteps.”

      Feeling the intensity of her gaze, Delores found herself disliking this conversation. Purposely, she shies away from talk of vows and purity, focusing on the piled riches. Noticing the green-centered ring that lays amongst gold and rubies. The longer Delores stared into it, the more she began to notice lighter streaks struck out. “Like thunder n’ lightening,” she thought before wondering -

      “Ms. Bedel, where did that ring come from?”

     “This -” she lifts it, studies it almost as if it was an artifact. Indeterminable. “This belonged to my mother.”

      “Did her husband give it to her, too?”

      “My mother was never married.” With that unpleasant remark came a pause that Delores felt lasted forever, however Ms. Bedel spoke again: clear and without strain, “she emerged from a place in Mississippi so unimportant that it can’t even be defined by a name.” Delores felt bad for asking, it sounded as though Ms. Bedel did not care for her mother let alone Mississippi. “Do you know what slave labor is?”

       At the height of her discomfort, Delores nodded. When she was but the age of five her granddaddy decided it was time she learn how Africans, not even colored people, Africans were chained like dogs and brought to America. After that, they were bound to pick cotton all day long in the sun. That was slave labor, her mind decided.

      “After I was born, my mother didn’t want to stay in No Mans, Mississippi, and took me with her as she journeyed North. Of course, being a colored woman, she didn’t have the luxury of driving or having a fortune to get her there in an instant. Hmpfh. So she worked as a maid here and there until she reached New York. And there was one white woman she worked for that was just downright nasty.” The word gets pronounced like a snarl, and her gaze is particularly intense. “She…that woman sat so high on her horse, that she had my mother feeding her baby through her teat.”

     Delores’ face scrunched: not understanding what was said to her just the right amount to be puzzled - yet understanding just enough to be both bewildered and uncomfortable. “From time to time my mother would take little things from the house. Sugar, flour. But before we left Kentucky and never looked back, she deserved something more in return, and this was it. And after my mother passed on, this has been with me ever since…” Suddenly Ms. Bedel takes to a soft and tender tone, “try it on.”

      Not only soothed by a preferable tone, Delores was elated. Felt like she was ascending to new heights: practically skipping from seven years old to seven in a half!

     “Oh…” Ms. Bedel’s thick lips push out with sympathy, onyx eyes hold traces of adoration. “It’s too big for you…” Looking at how the ring hang heavy on her index was a pitiful sight in itself - for Ms. Bedel to point out the obvious causes Delores’ joy to further deflate.

     “My fingers are too little…” Delores feels like a baby, a fresh six at best.

     “Maybe..” Ms. Bedel takes the child’s hand into her own, covering it in love. “One day you’ll grow into it.”

                                                                      -------

     If Ms. Reed was kind, then Ms. Bedel should have been thought of as a saint. Because unlike many of her classmates, Delores was not fond of her teacher. At all. 

     She could not explain why even if she wanted to, just knowing her educator maintained a bit of an indifferent air when it came to her. Ms. Bedel could have this similar demeanor, Ms. Bedel could even holler at her: but underneath each treatment, Delores sensed that love was there. Delores was sure Ms. Bedel would forever and always be someone as special as Granddaddy - after all, it was through her that Delores learned of a love that existed for all that shined.

     There began to come occurrences when after taking the hot-comb to her hair, Ms. Bedel would take one of the necklaces and fasten it around her little neck. Granddaddy would sneer, stating she was making Didi into a fast-tail girl and, Winston would agree once he moved in. Although Winston and Granddaddy were separated by generations, their “masculinity” gave their stance a high sort of power. If Granddaddy thought she was fast, if Winston thought she was fast, then it was so. And with that official, not even a ring could slide on her little finger.

      Delores did not like change, but it did not mean she disliked her cousin. Still, she was not joyous to have her cousin residing under the same roof as her, either. Previously she caught wind of how adults would make statements of being “lonesome” when you’re the sole child of the household, but Delores thought she could never be lonely: not when she had Granddaddy. Not only that, but from time to time she heard how lucky she was to be an only child because had she had siblings, certain things would not have been purchased. Instead, sacrifices would have had to be made, as Granddaddy said himself.

      And how sacrifices came with Winston’s presence.

     He slept on the couch while Delores kept her room. But breakfast was smaller. Lunch and dinner too. She had to be tolerant, patient, when her cousin sat by her side and bastardized the personalities of her beloved dolls. His rough housing even lead to the tearing of Marilyn! And even though tears fell on her pillow that night - by sunrise, she forgave him.

      One of the most noticeable changes were in how Ms. Bedel seldom spoke to her anymore. Oh, never did the adult say don’t talk to me, Delores simply acknowledged the body language. The expressions. With that she concluded she was not wanted around, unaware of the hostile conversations that took place between the adults of the household. Still, considering all the changes that had occurred under this roof, Delores gradually reached the conclusion the last time she had been happy was when she could admire diamonds right from the palm of her hand. It felt good to not only having Ms. Bedel in a warmer state, but it made up for the struggles school would inflict on her.

      Some days were better than others, but this day was particularly awful. Having outright been backhanded by Lenora during Duck, Duck, Goose, Delores had returned home with low spirits. In the beginning, among the other children in glee, she could feel the tension build. Each moment was a thrill - no one knew who the Goose would be - but there was nothing playful, or thrilling, about Lenora’s hand suddenly flinging into her face. Not head, face.

      Five fingers left a powerful sting and even a faint mark that would cause her to avert her eyes and shrug when adults asked about it’s origins. Yes, Delores understood it was a part of the game, but given how Lenora usually treated her, she doubted this was a mistake. Still, she did not say anything. She did not even cry - not really. Instead after getting settled, Delores shyly - oh so shyly, approached Ms. Bedel as she laid down a bowl of steaming soup for Winston. Having been ill, he did not go to school that day.

      “Ms. Bedel,” she began meek and soft, “can I see your diamonds?“

       The look that came on Ms. Bedel’s face looked as though she could just retch. But ignorant, Delores did not know how her crime in asking this was in how Winston was among her. Naive, she was not even aware how Winston’s eye size doubled at the sound of, “diamonds.” And clueless, Delores did not know how Ms. Bedel, if anything, saw Amos’ grandson as a troublemaker. One of those boys you had to warn about your additional pair of eyes that saw all. “Yes.” Ms. Bedel comes to answer with a struggle, “yes you may. But put everything back as found. Do you hear me? Everything."

      “Yes Ms. Bedel.” And with that, Delores was on her way.

      It was in fact a mistake for Ms. Bedel to even allow this because jewelry box in arms, she moved herself to her own bedroom and shut the door. Alone and secluded, Delores would find that rings and necklaces would detract from her bruise. She couldn’t wait until she had her own to possess when womanhood finally approached, as she concludes that everyday would be spent in happiness. And when she took everything back as told, Delores really did believe every diamond, earring, and necklace was where it needed to be.

     “Ever since you took that boy in he’s been nothin’ but trouble! He wasn’t even sick on Tuesday, he was connin’ your ass!”

     “I didn’t know you was a doctor, thought you just played one once!”

      “I was with him that entire day! I could see him running and jumping and actin’ a fool! Maybe if you weren’t trying to run the street with your old ass-”

      “Woman! Y’don’t know a GATDAM thing you talkin ‘bout!”

       This was not an argument that could be ignored. It was clear as the siren of a distant ambulance: both children could hear as it echoed through the walls and it summoned them both to sit - well, in Winston’s case, crouch - outside the elder’s bedroom. Would Delores say Winston was trouble? Although he tore Marilyn that one time - no, not really. The passing of days would have her find the perks in having him around.

       “Look - damn you Amos, look! My ring is gone!! I know that lil’ nigger took it and he probably sold it to some - some hustler!” Oh. “You should have seen him - the way he was looking when Didi mentioned I had diamonds. I could just about read his mind!” With each infuriated word, Delores finds herself unable to stop quivering. Her heart’s bumps are even audible against her ears. This, she knows, was not Winston’s fault at all.

      “He’s a boy, who he gon’ sell it to? He prolly done gave it to some lil’ girl!”

       “Amos! Why are you defending that little nigger?!”

       For Delores, the sound of skin hitting skin was horrific. However, it was not a new sound for Winston. In contrast to his gaped mouth, she cringed as if she saw the impact of Granddaddy’s hand, and as she notices how Winston stretches his legs and places his palm against the door knob she whines low, but nonetheless frightful, “Winny, no!” As he ignored her, Delores decided that if Winston would get himself in trouble for getting in grown folk’s business, she wanted no part in it. So she did not peek, consequently sparing herself from the sight of her grumpy and nonchalant grandfather in a different state far different than what she was accustomed to.

     He had one fist raised and another fist clutching at hair. “Y’goddamn bitch.” He sneered,

      “y’ain’t gonna keep standing here and keep callin’ my grandson outta his name. Bitch, y’got one more time t’do that-” His fist shook. Though he was old, he was strong. “And I’ma drag you outta here like this.” Her clothes could be flung out the window for all he cared, “keep on talkin’ about some itty bitty ring. Keep on.”

       “I hate you.” When Ms. Bedel weeps, Delores feels her heart break. “You old son of a bitch, I don’t have to be with you. I don’t have to live here. I accepted your granddaughter, willingly, but you put that grandson on me. I’m too damn old to be going through burdens like you -” never did Delores consider herself to be a burden, however she also failed to think of the struggles old people went through beside the occasional bad knees. “I don’t even have to be with your tragic ass.” She hocked, she spat on his cheek, “get up offa me, nigga.”

      Now Delores was prompted to peer in, right as her caretakers aren’t body to body. Free, Ms. Bedel is moving faster than Delores has ever seen her. Apathetic and rough, she tosses the jewelry box on the bed, grasps at coats, blouses, and furs. “Where you goin’?!”

     “Wouldn’t you like to know?! Wouldn’t you like to know?!”

       Don’t go… Delores bites at her bottom lip. Don’t go. She did not know where the ring of Ms. Bedel’s mother was. Truly, she thought it was safe in the box where it needed to be. Although admiring it more than anything, she would have never thought of stealing from a woman she respected. Why - if she had the chance, if she had not been frozen where she sat, Delores would find the ring. She would search the apartment up and down and present the item to her.

       “Move, move!” She feels Winston grasp her shoulders as heavy feet stomped their way. Delores did not recognize what was going on, only rising because she knew in these moments that it was right, and to her bedroom they moved like mice: diving on Delores’ wooden floor. Whether Ms. Bedel saw or not was obvious to anyone other than them.

       “When y’find that damn thing-” Granddaddy followed her, not caring about the wide eyes of children. “You can’t never come back here. Never!”

       “I don’t plan on it, Amos!” She slammed the door - and only looked back for her fine china. 

       After that, Ms. Bedel never thought of the Littlejohn family again.

       For days, this memory would sting all three of them. Something they could not replay in their minds because it was too harsh. Delores felt bad for her cousin. He was called one of the ugliest words in the world, twice. Not only that, but he was reduced to a thief and it was all because of her own, “carelessness.” And Winston, forever denying to his irked and cynical guardian that he ever touched, let alone gazed at some old lady’s ring, would have to let his innocence be known countless times.  He was bold enough to ask if he had been a burden, though. Not like Delores, who was even too much of a coward to find out Granddaddy’s true feelings about her.

       As the months came and went, so did the severity of the emotional wounds of that day. Never would they forget the disaster, but they did not have to shoulder it with grit teeth. Though, one day, Delores would find something shiny below her bed. Like a calling, the light green streaks requested for her attention in an abyss of darkness. As she cupped it and brought it to light: that fateful day would hit her all over again. Silent, Delores would keep this ring. But not wear it.  Not even as seven became eleven. Or eleven became thirteen. Or thirteen became sixteen.

      Always, this ring was to be hidden. Forever her secret.

[staygoldangel]

always

pairings: very soft dally x reader

trigger warnings: none

about: this is a little fic where you and Dally are in school, and are both in trouble at the same time lol. also you’re a Curtis sister, and it’s a lil bit angsty

UNEDITED

“that’s it, Miss (Y/N) Curtis, go to the office!” Your very angry teacher yelled from the front of the room.

your cheeks burned as the entire class had turned to look at you. it wasn’t your fault! Two-Bit had been pestering you for the past twenty minutes, and you’d had enough. you had tolerated the whisper-shouted “Hey!”s, waving, and other annoyances. that is, until he started throwing paper airplanes. you had a hard enough time focusing in math anyway. your teacher was at least a million years old, and was so quiet and monotone you could fall asleep if you wanted.

“fine.” you stood up, slammed your chair into the desk, grabbed your things, and glared at Two-Bit as you exited the room. He only grinned and chuckled, looking satisfied. he leaned back in his chair, still watching you leave.

once you were out of the teacher’s sight, you stood a little bit outside the doorway and flipped Two-Bit off. you turned and started your walk of shame toward the office. you flipped your sunglasses down off of your head, and applied some more clear lip gloss. you wanted to keep your cool to the best of your abilities. it was decently hard, because you needed some time to cool off before facing your principal.

as you slowly walked through the halls, you took a deep breath and relaxed a bit. you looked out one of the windows. it was a beautiful day in Tulsa. it was late May, and school would be out very soon. the clouds were huge and fluffy, trees were full, and flowers were in full bloom. one thing you couldn’t help but notice was the sky. the stunning sky with all it’s brilliant shades of blue. the very same sky you had stared at your entire life. the sky your oldest brother, Darry, would yell at you to stop looking at because you had homework to do. the same sky you would watch change from day to night with your kid brother, Ponyboy. the same sky you watched for hours the night you heard your parents had died. the night you had cried with Sodapop for hours. you could’ve sworn the stars shone brighter that night then they ever did before. 

you tore yourself away from the window, continuing your walk. as the office came into view, you sighed. what is Darry gonna say this time? you would always be grateful Darry never leaned as hard into you as he did Pony. Pony had it real bad sometimes. you swore Darry would yell at him for breathing the wrong way. 

you flopped down into one of the hard, plastic chairs in the office. resting your chin on your palm, you look around. nothing out of the ordinary, except for one little detail. sitting across from you was the school’s bad boy. Dallas Winston. a pretty good friend of yours. he waved a little bit, then walked over to sit next to you. you always had the slightest crush on ‘ol Dal, but your brothers would have your head if you even thought of having a boyfriend. you looked up at him and smiled. 

“so doll, what are you in for?” he grinned.

you giggled a bit. “i was “disrupting class”, apparently.” you stuck your tongue out, mocking your teacher. “how about you?” you raised an eyebrow.

“i may or may not have threatened a kid with my switch.” he gave a dangerous smile. the same smile that had always made blush a bit.

“that’s rough. at least you don’t have an older brother that’ll ground you for a week.” you groaned. you loved your brother, but he could be a royal pain. “Two-Bit finally pushed me over the edge. i was yelling at him and crumpling up all his paper airplanes. of course i’m the one who gets in trouble.”

Dally laughed. you loved it when you made him laugh. and then, there was a minute where everything went still. Dally looked into your eyes, and he softened a little bit.

“y’know doll, you really do have pretty eyes.” he said quiet enough for only you to hear. 

your face burned. Dallas Winston, the Dallas Winston, flirting with you?!? you had decided there was no time like now. you were gonna make a move. now or never, right?

“hey Dal, i just wanna say that i rea-” you were cut off by the secretary.

“Miss Curtis, please report to Principal Smith’s office.” she pointed to a dimly lit room. 

“oh, um, yeah. ok.” you were flustered. as you got up, your hand brushed Dally’s. you looked back at him.

“Wait for me?”

“Always.”

your worries melted away, and so did your heart. you gave him a soft smile. you walked into the principal’s office, still love-drunk and smiling like an idiot. you tuned out most of the principal’s speech until he said, “i’m afraid i’m going to have to call your brother.” you swallowed hard. 

“Principal Smith, please! please don’t. it could have been worse...?” you grinned nervously. He only rubbed his temples and sighed.

“Miss Curtis, this has been the fifth time this month you’ve been called down for being disruptive! is there a certain student who has been bothering you?” you may have been mad at Two-Bit, but you were anything but a snitch. you guys had a strong bond, and a little thing like this was no reason to call him out. 

“no, i was just frustrated. i’m sorry, this won’t happen again.” you sighed, accepting the consequences.

“i understand. i’m still going to have to call your brother, however.” he explained to you. after around five more minutes, he let you go. you made your way back to Dally. 

“c’mon doll. let’s get out of here. the bell is gonna ring any second.” he handed you your bag.

“yeah, let’s go. im gonna have to find Pony and wait for Soda to pick us up. who knows when that’s gonna be.” you ran a hand through your hair.

“i’ll drive you home.” Dally put a hand on your shoulder. you smiled. 

“aw, thanks Dal! let’s find Pony.” you guys both left the office as the bell rang, and kids went running out of their classes. you both found Pony and Johnny, and they explained they were gonna hang out after school, and didn’t need a ride. it was just you and Dally.

the drive to your house was peaceful. it was small conversations and comfortable silence. the sun was still high in the sky. the fresh spring air filled your lungs and you relaxed. 

as you pulled up to your house, Dally lit a cigarette. “i’ll see ya later doll. say, do you wanna catch a movie sometime?” he asked nonchalantly. 

“yeah sure. tomorrow night at eight?” you tilted your head.

“i’ll pick you up then. night, honey.” he grinned. 

“g’night Dally.” you returned his grin with a cute little smile.

you had remembered the single word he told you as he drove away. the one little word that made your heart leap.

always

you opened the door to your house, putting your bag on one of the chairs.

“(Y/N) (M/N) Curtis! Get in the kitchen right now!” You heard Darry yell from the other side of the house.

Oh boy. 

Notes: EW WHAT IS THIS ENDING. this was wayyyyy longer than i intended im sorry. hope y’all liked my first fic.

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Downton Court Hotel pt. 8

And now the part that I’ve we’ve all been waiting for!

No, seriously, I’ve had this drafted for over a month, maybe two.

This piece is dedicated to every art student who’s ever had to BS their way through a presentation on the colour field piece they did for the final in their painting class’s abstract section. Cheers!

Note: When I do get all of today’s spam up on Ao3, I will probably just post the link for pt. 6. Because spam.

Fandom: Downton Abbey

Characters: Thomas Barrow, Jimmy Kent, Peter Pelham

Relationship: Baxter/Molesley, canon pairings

Warnings: Resurrecting more characters! Play “spot the Maggie Smith” reference! Peter is a fluffy marshmallow!

https://bitletsanddrabbles.tumblr.com/post/184471088834/downton-court-hotel-pt-7

Thomas wasn't certain who it was who'd said "I may not know much about art, but I know what I like."  It was probably George Bernard Shaw or Oscar Wild or someone like that. Maybe Winston Churchill. All he could really say, standing in the hotel's dining room-cum-art gallery, was that he truly appreciated the sentiment. Mr. Carson had been rattling on at length about the virtues of the Marquess of Hexham's work to anyone within ear shot for a week solid, his words laden with solemn respect. If the listening party was Mr. Molelsey, only three days back from his honeymoon, one was certain to hear lively, pedantic replies on depth of colour and experimental art forms. Admittedly, it made a bit of a break from hearing about Paris, but there was still only so much of Mr. Molesley being pedantic one could take.

(Mrs. Molesley was better. Ask her how things went and she would shyly tell you about how Mr. Molesley had surprised her with tickets to the opera and she hadn't understood a word of it. Then she'd change the subject to the linens or some such.)

As far as Thomas was concerned, it looked like a paint store had thrown up on the room. With the exception of one or two pieces in black and white, each canvas was a riot of colour, some more harmonious than others. None of them contained what he would consider a 'picture' or even the semblance of one. Even definite 'shapes' were frequently lacking. There were, he thought, five year olds in the country who could do just as well. Then again, he supposed he'd seen calendars of five year old art here and there, along side art by cats and dogs, so someone with the money and title to attract attention shouldn't have too much trouble getting noticed.

He walked over to stand behind Jimmy who was finishing hanging a plaque next to one canvas (the staff had not been trusted to hang the art, only the descriptions) and asked. "So do you have any idea what any of this is supposed to be then?"

"I haven't been reading these things," was the reply. "Just hanging them."

Thomas cocked an eyebrow at the bellboy's disgruntled tone, but didn't reprimand him. It was, after all, rather late and well past when Jimmy would normally be off  having a drink and chatting up some girl or other. There was, however, a healthy dose of playful sarcasm in his voice as he replied, "Well then, what does that one say?"

Jimmy stepped back, looked at him, then at the picture. As with many of the others, there was no discernible picture, as such, just huge swatches of colour blending into each other. Leaning in to better see the rather small print, Jimmy read. "An exploration of the effect of colour and harmony as a reflection of the human psyche and a path to tranquility."

Thomas blinked, not quite certain to believe he'd heard properly.  He shook his head with a lopsided grin and asked, "Cor, what do you think all that means in English?"

An amused and unfamiliar voice answered him. "It means I painted pretty colours on the canvas while listening to smooth jazz, and it was very relaxing."

Turning abruptly, Thomas found himself facing a man just a bit shorter than himself, although about the same age. He had brown hair that needed a trim, blue eyes, an open face, and was wearing what struck Thomas as a very soft, comfortable looking jumper. There was just enough family resemblance with Lady Edith's fiance that, combined with the commentary, there was no doubt that this was Peter Pelham, sixth Marquess of Hexham.

"Why didn't you just say that, then?" Jimmy asked.

It earned him a laugh. "My dear boy, art critics are going to read that! You can't just give an art critic plain language, the poor things would shrivel up and die!"

Thomas and Jimmy both looked back and forth between the man and the painting, each exuding an air of utter confusion. Jimmy was the first to get up the guts to say something. "So, you're saying that all of the high toned language you read about with art is all pointless gibberish to make things sound posh?"

"Not all of it," Lord Hexham replied, walking over to stand next to them, his eyes on the painting. "There are definitely artists in all fields who paint to send messages and make statements on the world. Something that claims to be a commentary on the treatment of the working class by the Conservative Party, for instance, or the roll of women in Socialist society is likely exactly as billed. Similarly the photorealists who wind up in galleries rather than sketching people's portraits in malls have every right to talk about the years and difficulty of perfecting their craft and attention to detail. But process artists have a bit more difficulty getting taken seriously.

“Take my Study in the Style of Jackson Pollock, for example." He turned and gestured to another painting which looked very much to Thomas as if he'd simply thrown random colours of paint at a canvas. "As far as technique is concerned, all I did was splash paint at the canvas and see where it hit. Not much to talk about, really. A child could do it. But that type of abstract isn't really about technique so much as it is a study in chaos theory. What sorts of patterns will emerge? What sorts of emotions can you evoke? If you cover a ball in paint and throw it at the center of the canvas, will it hit there or someplace you hadn't intended and what sort of effect will that have?" He paused, then added with another of those wryly amused smiles, "Not to mention if you've just had a bad day it can be very cathartic."

Thomas looked around him with a bit more respect than he had earlier. "So basically, these were all experiments that came out the way you wanted them to?"

"More or less. I normally don't have any sort of end goal in mind for what I want things to look like, but I stop when I get something I like." Turning, the aristocrat held out his hand. "But we've not been properly introduced. I am Peter Pelham, Marquess of Hexham. And you are?"

"Thomas Barrow, night manager."

"A pleasure," Peter smiled at him, shook his hand, then turned his attention to Jimmy.

"James Kent," Jimmy replied in the formal manner Mr. Carson insisted on. "Bell boy."

"Does everything meet with your approval, Your Lordship?" Thomas asked in the same, prim tone, stepping into his professional role.

"Oof, please, call me Peter when I'm not 'on duty'," Peter winced, looking around the room. "One does get tired of being 'sired' and 'Your Lordshipped' on every little occasion. Save the formality for when the show opens and the press is here." He concluded his turn of the room, then walked over to one painting that was hanging perfectly straight on  the wall and pulled it off center so it hung slightly skee-jawed. "I prefer the way that one looks at a bit of an angle," he explained. "I expect people will forever be trying to straighten it, so if you could convince them not to I would appreciate it. Beyond that," he looked around again and nodded, "It's very nice. I approve." He gave them a smile from his seemingly endless supply. "Does this mean you can take a break now?"

"Well, it means James can clock off," Thomas allowed. Mr. Carson probably wouldn't have approved, but there was nothing left to be done here and the other man needed to sleep sometime. "I need to get back to my office. It's normally quiet this time of night, though, unless someone decides they want a midnight snack."

"Will you be here for the actual event?" The question was directed at both of them, but Thomas thought Peter looked a touch more in his direction. "I'd told Edith there needn't be a lot of fuss, but she made it sound like there would be anyway."

"If you have a title, Mr. Carson will make a fuss," Thomas assured him. "It will be all hands on deck, although you'll see James more than you will me. I'll stop past, but I'll be busy running things elsewhere."

Peter nodded. "In which case, I will see you two tomorrow. I hope you have a good night." Turning he walked to the door and picked up a large, rectangular package that Thomas immediately recognized as a painting.

His heart rate jumped. "Ah, Your Lor – er – Peter?" he called, causing the other man to pause and turn. He pointed to the package. "We've not forgotten one, have we?"

It took a moment for understanding to register with the other man, then he laughed. "Oh, no! This is just something Edith asked me to do as a present for her grandmother. It's considerably different than the works here." He gestured to the rest of the room "Would you like to see?"

The offer caught Thomas a bit off guard and he hesitated. Carson would probably not approve of their fraternizing with their betters, but as he couldn't imagine the Dowager Countess Grantham appreciating the Marquess's work, from what he'd seen of it, it was tempting to say yes. He glanced at Jimmy, who was obviously thinking something similar, and then yielded to temptation. "If it's not too much trouble."

"Not at all," Peter assured, setting the canvas down and carefully working at the tape with his fingers. "I wouldn't want you both to go through life thinking my entire skill set was throwing buckets of paint around. Here, could one of you hold this up for me while I get the tape at the bottom?"

Jimmy stepped forward and between the two of them they worked the brown wrapping paper off the work. The painting, as promised, was nothing like the surrounding experimental abstracts. This canvas had a very definite, if stylized, image and reminded Thomas of art you might see on a post card. In the center stood a young woman with red hair who looked familiar although he couldn't quite place her. She was dressed in a plain white dress, like something out of a Greek play, and a gold band wrapped around her head. A wave was breaking behind her and a series of moons in different phases went along the top.

Jimmy whistled. "I may not know art, but I know what I like," he said, eying the painting with obvious appreciation. Thomas bit back the playful urge to ask if he meant the painting or the woman.

"Thank you. Now," Peter grinned, watching them out of the tops of his eyes. "Do you recognize who it is?"

The easy answer was 'no', but Thomas hated admitting when he was wrong. He particularly hated it when someone more educated and titled than he was rubbing his face in it so they could look superior, so, despite the fact that Peter seemed a lot nicer than most of the aristocrats he knew – right up there with Sybil, really – he had a crack at it. "She reminds me of that picture of the naked woman on the sea shell. Goddess of Love, wasn't it?"

"Ah, the Birth of Venus, yes," Peter nodded, clearly pleased with the answer. "Not a direct influence on this work, but I can see where you'd draw the comparison. She's actually Thetis, a relatively minor sea goddess. I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't done some heavy study of mythology to recognize her. But I was meaning more the woman herself, the model. Edith says you've all met her." He paused and, receiving absolutely baffled expressions for his pains, explained, "It's Lady Violet Crawley, in her younger days. I believe most of my references were from her forties, if you could believe it."

Thomas had a bit of trouble believing it, but there again the image was stylized. That might have made her look a bit younger, not to mention the Crawleys, from what he'd seen, were graceful agers.

Jimmy was caught up on a different detail. "The Dowager Countess was a red-head?"

Peter nodded, "Indeed! She wore it well, don't you think?" He started packaging up the painting again, pulling the paper over it and pressing down on the tape. This time both Thomas and Jimmy went to help him. "Edith wanted a painting of her Grandmother as a younger woman, done in the style of the Art Nouveau movement of the 1920s. Alphonse Mucha is the best known and most often mimicked artist of the movement, so I thought of mimicking someone less overdone, but then again from what I know of the Dowager, she's the sort to appreciate the iconic."

"You've described her quite well," Thomas agreed. He did not add that he found it second to 'bloody old bat'. "And it's an impressive painting."

"Aren't artists supposed to find their own style, though?" Jimmy asked. "Be original, do their own thing, all of that?"

"To an extent, but really, people have been painting for millennia. There's not really anything 'new' left and unless you live in a bubble someone, someplace is going to influence your way of doing things." Peter pressed down the last of the tape, then stood, picking the painting up again. "Not to mention in order to learn a technique, you have to study the technique and the fastest way to impress upon people that you've got it down is to mimic someone who already did it. Art critics love this – you listen tomorrow, particularly when they get to the Pollock inspired piece." He nodded to the canvas he threw paint at. "They will dither on forever about capturing the intent and tone of the original artist."

"Well, looks like I certainly have something to look forward to." Jimmy gave a forced smile that threw his enthusiasm into question.

"It's entertaining if you look at it as sort of a social comedy," Peter assured him, blue eyes twinkling.  He definitely had the sort of eyes that twinkled. "Mocking the pomp and circumstance and all of that. But here, I am keeping you from a no doubt well deserved rest and Mr. Barrow from his office. I will bid you both a good night and let you get on with it." He smiled and nodded, accepted their respectful bows, then turned and left.

Once it was quite certain he was out of ear shot, Jimmy turned and looked around the room, muttering under his breath. "Well he's an odd duck, but I'll tell you, suddenly tomorrow looks a lot less boring."

[unastute]

MAIN  ARC

FEBRUARY  13  ,  1982 

     jessica  day  is  born  in  portland  ,  oregon  to  joan  and  bob  day

1987  AGE  FIVE  

     jess’  parents  get  divorced

1992  AGE  TEN 

     meets cece  parekh  ,  and  the  two  instantly  become  best  friends

1998  AGE  SIXTEEN

     jess  goes  on  one  date  with  george  jiang,  a  guy  from  her  reading  club.  before  they  date  anymore  ,  he  sleeps  with  ashley  berkman  under  the  bleachers  while  jess  watches.  she  doesn’t  date  anyone  else  through  high  school  because  of  it

2000  AGE  EIGHTEEN

     attends  ucla  for  education  ,  minoring  in  theater  studies.  she  is  in  many  productions  ,  but  never  the  lead.  originally  ,  she  was  going  to  be  a  theatre  teacher  ,  but  had  a  change  of  heart  and  became  an  english  teacher  instead

2003  AGE  TWENTY  ONE 

     incredibly  drunk  ,  jess  cuts  and  dies  her  hair  blonde.  she  wears  a  lot  of  hats  to  try  and  hide  that  fact  ,  but  eventually she  owns  it.  after  the  hair  grows  out  ,  she  dies  it  back  dark

2004  AGE  TWENTY  TWO

     jess  graduates  with  her  degree  ,  moving  back  home  for  a  few  months  to  get  her  start  as  a  teacher      cece  has  already  been  living  in  los  angels  for  years  now  ,  and  asks  jess  to  be  her  roommate.  jess  agrees  and  packs  up  to  move  to  la      jess  meets  a  firefighter  named  teddy  ,  and  he  becomes  the  first  person  she’s  intimate  with  in  any  regard  since  high  school      jess  meets  berkley  at  an  arts  and  crafts  fair  ,  and  the  two  date  for  a  few  months.  jess  ends  the  relationship  because  she  doesn’t  like  him  ,  but  the  two  remain  friends

2006  AGE  TWENTY  FOUR 

     jess  meets  spencer  wolterstroff  and  the  two  start  an  intense  relationship  ,  as  jess  is  madly  in  love  with  him      against  spencer’s  wishes  ,  jess  goes  back  to  school  for  her  masters  in  education

2008  AGE  TWENTY  SIX

     jess  and  cece  plan  to  move  ,  having  already  signed  a  lease  ,  but  cece  gets  a  modeling  job  in  paris  ,  forcing  jess  to  move  in  with  spencer  as  she  has  no  where  else  to  go

2010  AGE  TWENTY  EIGHT 

     unknown  to  jess  ,  spencer  starts  to  cheat  on  her  with  various  women  he  brings  home  from  work.

2011  AGE  TWENTY  NINE

     jess  wins  a  free  trip  to  new  york  ,  but  the  city  sucks  in  her  opinion  so  she  leaves  early      jess  decides  to  surprise  spencer  instead  of  telling  him  she’s  coming  home  early  ,  which  leads  her  to  catching  him  cheating.  she  immediately  grabs  a  few  of  her  things  and  leaves      while  looking  for  a  new  apartment  ,  jess  meets  nick  ,  schmidt  ,  and  coach  and  decides  to  move  in  with  them      coach  meets  a  girl  named  malia  and  leaves  the  loft.      winston  comes  back  from  latfia  where  he  was  playing  pro  basketball  ,  and  moves  into  the  loft      jess  has  a  crush  on  a  teacher  at  her  school  named  paul  ,  and  they  start  to  date  after  a  thanksgiving  fiasco      a  month  later  ,  jess  and  paul  break  up  because  jess  feels  she  is  moving  too  fast  with  him

2012  AGE  THIRTY 

     jess  falls  for  one  of  her  student’s  parents  ,  a  rich  man  named  russell      jess  finds  out  schmidt  and  cece  have  been  sleeping  together  behind  her  back.  she  eventually  figures  out  that  the  reason  cece  didn’t  tell  her  is  because  cece  likes  schmidt  but  didn’t  want  to  admit  it  to  herself      jess  realizes  she  and  russell  have  no  passion  ,  which  is  what  she  wants.  so  she  breaks  it  off  with  him      worried  she  did  the  wrong  thing  by  dumping  russell  ,  jess  calls  up  paul  instead  and  they  sleep  together  ,  but  paul  has  a  girlfriend.  jess  ends  up  helping  him  propose  to  his  girlfriend      nick  is  moving  out  of  the  loft  ,  but  the  gang  spends  the  night  in  the  desert  and  jess  inadvertently  convinces  him  not  to      jess  gets  laid  off  from  her  teaching  job  due  to  budget  cuts      jess  meets  sam  at  the  bar  and  he  thinks  she’s  his  online  dating  match.  they  end  up  having  sex  ,  and  even  when  sam  finds  out  she  lied  ,  they  still  continue  their  sex  only  relationship      after  realizing  she’s  been  in  a  rut  in  finding  a  job  ,  jess  starts  to  tutor  in  order  to  pay  rent      jess  realizes  she  actually  has  feelings  for  sam  ,  but  when  she  tells  him  he  turns  her  away  ,  wanting  to  keep  it  just  physical.  they  break  off  their  relationship      jess  can’t  pay  rent  so  she  looks  for  a  new  job  ,  eventually  finding  one  teaching  creative  writing  to  adults      while  attending  christmas  parties  ,  sam  seeks  out  jess  and  tells  her  he  wants  to  have  a  relationship  with  her.  jess  is  hesitant  at  first  ,  but  she  agrees  and  they  start  dating

2013  AGE  THIRTY  ONE

     after  a  game  of  true  american  ,  where  it  ended  with  nick  jumping  on  a  ledge  to  avoid  kissing  jess  ,  nick  meets  jess  in  the  hallway  in  the  middle  of  the  night  and  kisses  her      jess  tells  sam  about  the  kiss  ,  and  he  dumps  her.  things  are  very  awkward  with  nick  and  jess      while  on  pain  meds  ,  jess  tells  nick  that  she  wants  to  have  sex  with  him.  he  assumes  it’s  the  pills  ,  but  later  she  admits  it  again  while  sober      jess  and  nick  makeout  a  couple  of  times  when  the  guys  aren’t  around.  most  of  it  is  spontaneous  and  instigated  by  both  parties      nick  asks  jess  out  on  a  date  ,  but  it  keeps  getting  interrupted.  eventually  they  decide  it  won’t  work  between  them  ,  so  they  establish  rules  where  they  can’t  get  close  to  one  another      after  talking  about  how  they  lost  their  virginity  ,  jess  and  nick  sleep  together  spontaneously      jess  is  offered  a  job  at  coolidge  middle  school  and  after  a  day  she  is  given  the  job      at  cece’s  wedding  ,  nick  and  jess  debate  on  whether  they  should  actually  be  a  couple  ,  eventually  coming  to  the  decision  to  call  it  off.  but  a  few  hours  later  ,  jess  finds  nick  again  and  begs  him  to  give  them  a  shot.  the  two  get  in  a  car  and  drive  off  together      jess  and  nick  spend  a  week  in  mexico  and  come  back  officially  dating      in  the  midst  of  a  bad  break  up  with  cece  ,  schmidt  moves  out  of  the  loft      coach  moves  back  into  the  loft  after  malia  dumps  him      jess  has  to  spend  a  week  in  the  hospital  after  eating  a  poisonous  fish  to  make  nick  feel  better

2014  AGE  THIRTY  TWO 

     jess  and  cece  get  invited  to  a  party  at  prince’s  house  where  nick  tells  her  he  loves  her.  after  a  panic  attack  and  some  time  alone  with  prince  ,  jess  is  finally  able  to  say  it  back      jess’  sister  abby  comes  to  town  and  causes  chaos  ,  forcing  jess  and  nick  to  move  into  nick’s  room  together  ,  which  drives  both  of  them  nuts      schmidt  moves  back  into  the  loft  after  he  spends  all  of  his  money  on  jess’  sister      jess  becomes  vice  principle  of  coolidge  with  help  from  coach      after  a  week  of  deliberation  and  a  long  time  of  feeling  that  something  was  wrong  ,  jess  and  nick  break  up       the  gang  goes  on  a  cruise  nick  and  jess  booked  when  they  were  together  ,  and  they  get  stuck  in  the  room  for  three  days  ,  making  international  news      over  the  course  of  the  summer  ,  nick  and  jess  sleep  together  numerous  times  ,  unsure  about  if  their  breakup  was  the  best  thing  ,  plus  the  fact  that  they  still  love  each  other.  eventually  ,  they  say  no  more  and  decide  they  can  only  be  friends       jess’  dad  comes  to  town  with  his  new  girlfriend  ,  ashley  berkman.  he  eventually  proposes  to  ashley  ,  and  the  two  become  engaged  with  jess’  help      at  school  ,  jess  meets  the  new  science  teacher  ryan  whom  she  instantly  has  a  crush  on      at  a  teaching  conference  ,  jess  finally  admits  to  ryan  how  she  feels  and  he  tells  her  he  feels  the  same.  however  ,  they  cannot  date  due  to  the  the  fact  that  jess  is  his  boss.  instead  ,  they  sneak  around  in  secret

2015  AGE  THIRTY  THREE

     jess  and  ryan  come  out  to  the  teachers  that  they  are  dating  ,  and  it  does  not  go  well.  ryan  is  forced  to  find  a  new  job      ryan’s  job  hunt  takes  him  back  to  england.  when  he  cancels  on  jess  at  her  dad’s  wedding  ,  jess  breaks  up  with  him      coach  moves  to  new  york  with  his  girlfriend  may  ,  leaving  the  loft      jess  is  selected  for  jury  duty.  it’s  a  capital  case  ,  and  jess  has  to  be  sequestered  for  two  months.  while  she’s  gone  ,  the  guys  rent  out  jess’  room  to  reagan  ,  who  becomes  nick’s  new  crush

2016  AGE  THIRTY  FOUR

     jess  comes  back  from  jury  duty       while  she  was  gone  ,  the  school  board  appointed  a  new  principal  at  jess’  school.  jess  hates  her  ,  as  she  makes  jess  do  all  the  work  while  the  new  principal  gets  all  the  credit.  ultimately  ,  jess  quits      at  a  trial  period  for  a  new  job  at  banyon  canyon  ,  jess’  boss  is  dating  sam.  in  a  series  of  events  ,  jess’  boss  dumps  sam  and  jess  gets  the  job.        sam  takes  out  a  restraining  order  on  jess  ,  and  after  a  few  days  and  some  talking  ,  sam  tells  jess  he  only  took  it  out  because  he  still  likes  jess  and  he  was  worried  he  would  do  something  stupid  if  he  didn’t  put  up  a  physical  wall.  sam  drops  the  restraining  order  and  the  two  start  dating  again       at  sam’s  birthday  party  ,  one  of  his  old  friends  shows  up  and  tells  jess  that  she  is  in  love  with  sam  and  has  been  since  college.  she  even  wrote  sam  a  letter  explaining  all  her  feelings.  she  gives  the  letter  to  jess  ,  who  decided  sam  should  know  about  his  friends’  feelings  for  him.  she  leaves  them  be  ,  and  sam  returns  to  her  and  says  that  whatever  time  he  and  his  friend  might  have  had  was  gone  now  ,  and  he  only  wanted  to  be  with  jess      the  night  before  cece’s  wedding  ,  jess  believes  sam  is  going  to  propose  to  her  ,  but  he  actually  dumps  her  for  his  friend.  jess  told  sam  she  couldn’t  marry  him  ,  and  when  asked  why  ,  she  couldn’t  give  a  reason.  sam  said  it  was  because  she  still  was  in  love  with  nick      during  the  wedding  ,  jess  helps  reagan  and  nick  finally  get  together  ,  while  at  the  same  time  realizing  she’s  still  in  love  with  nick.  even  when  nick  comes  back  from  his  trip  with  reagan  ,  jess  still  is  in  love  with  him  ,  so  she  stays  single  and  really  throws  herself  into  making  her  friends  happy

2017  AGE  THIRTY  FIVE

     reagan  moves  into  the  loft     jess  helps  winston  propose  to  his  girlfriend  aly  on  valentines  day.  she  realizes  she’s  pissed  at  nick  for  hurting  her  ,  even  though  it’s  unintentional      jess’  boss  goes  to  open  her  own  school  at  sea  ,  and  jess  accepts  the  promotion  to  principal  of  banyon  canyon      jess  starts  spending  a  lot  of  time  with  reagan  and  nick  and  realizes  she’s  the  girlfriend  stand  in  for  both  of  them.  they  take  her  to  socalyacon  ,  where  jess  realizes  she  can’t  be  around  them  and  get  over  her  feelings  for  nick  at  the  same  time.  she  bolts  and  leaves  ,  going  back  to  oregon      when  she  hears  about  nick  and  reagan  breaking  up  ,  she  goes  to  tell  nick  how  she  feels  ,  only  to  over  hear  him  tell  others  it  was  never  going  to  work  between  them.  unable  to  stand  it  any  longer  ,  jess  moves  out  of  the  loft  and  out  on  her  own  ,  to  be  away  from  nick

[darkmystress00]

Babysitters Club - Ch 1

A/N: If you don’t like Real Person Fiction (RPF) DO NOT READ THIS FIC! It does focus on real people and does focus on some heavy REAL LIFE situations that people face.

That being said I think Misha and Vicki are #relationshipgoals and they are endgame irl. I love both of them and would never wish anything bad for them and/or their family. This is a work of fiction and in no way represents anything I want to have actually happen...

Trigger warnings: Eventual divorce (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

Pairing: Misha x Reader (EVENTUALLY)

You sat on the couch, flipping through the channels on the television, trying to find the channel with the show that the kids loved the most. You stopped as the face of that beloved puppet popped onto the screen and you smiled in triumph. You heard the toddler at your side let out a squealing giggling before she settled down on the floor at your feet. “Alright sweetie. I need to go make lunch. I’ll be right over here ok?” You said as you carefully stood. The little girl was so engrossed in the show she didn’t even respond. You smiled and shook your head before making your way across the room to the kitchen to start making grilled cheese, the toddler’s favorite.

As the pan heated, and while you prepped all the ingredients, you marveled at everything going on in your life. You started out as just a babysitter to make some money in high school, but as you entered college it became more of a full time gig. Before long you found yourself employed as a professional nanny. Word spread and suddenly you found yourself unable to juggle the workload. That was how you found yourself employed by THE top nanny agency (because, yes, that was a thing, apparently.) The one that supplied nannies to the rich and famous, though those were only the select few. You were still “slumming it” with the upper-class families as the veteran nannies liked to tease. Personally you liked it that way. You didn’t have to worry about the paparazzi snapping pictures of you or fielding the wife from finding out about Mr. Famous’ many affairs. Just the simple task of watching the kid (or kids as the case may be.) It was nice not to be tied up in all the hullabaloo of having famous clients.

So far, the only thing you’d had to worry about was potty training, and explaining to the wife why her husband’s business flight had been delayed (not your job per say, but you’d received the call on the home line, so figured you could relay the information.) You peered at little Abby who was still fully engaged with the television show, and smiled again. You made quick work of making two sandwiches, one for you and one for her (she would most likely only eat half right now before her nap and then half when she woke up.) You froze as you heard the door from the garage open and the tell-tale sound of keys jingling signaling that the wife was home. “Hello Mrs. James.” You said, moving the pan to the sink to cool and be cleaned. “you’re home early.” Abigail James was a tall, leggy brunette that was the most sought after interior designer in the entire state (probably the country…but you were biased.) She was married to Mike James, software developer for Microsoft (just enough of a bigwig to be able to afford anything she wanted whenever she wanted it) and they had two children, Abby and Charlie.

Abigail Madison Winston James III. That was Abby’s full name and it sounded every bit as pretentious as the child was silly. Abby was just Abby. She was a bundle of energy that loved to swim and swing and scrape knees. She was a joy to be around and made your job easy. Charlie was her little brother. Charles Michael James was almost a year old and was a smiley baby that could find a way to make a mess in a completely empty room. He was forever finding ways to make messes right after you cleaned and got everything put to rights. (His parents understood his antics and often snickered as they watched you scramble to clean up the last minute messes when they strolled through the door.) The James’ were a loving family and you hoped to have one just like them one day.

“Hello, Y/N. Yes, my client ran into a few snags today before design so I got to come home early.” You nodded as you watched Abby run up to her squealing with delight. “It’s just as well, Mike and I have been meaning to talk with you.” You felt a churning in the pit of your stomach.

“Oh?” You asked pensively as you set out lunch and watched as Abigail placed Abby in her chair so the child could eat.

“Yes. Mike has decided to take a position in upstate, and we’ll be putting Abby in daycare after the move. As sad as we are, we are going to have to cancel services.” You felt the pit in your stomach spread and get heavy as a cold settled over you. “We’d love to take you with us, but that’s just not viable for us.” She offered sympathetically.

“No I understand.” You smiled. “I’m so excited for you all! It’s going to be great. Upstate is amazing.” Abigail nodded and stroked Abby’s hair as she stuffed the grilled cheese in her mouth. “When do you move?”

“Actually we are beginning the move next week, so this will be that last week we need you.” You wanted to wince at how quickly everything was moving but you understood. This was just a job and no matter how attached you got to the clients, this was plain and simple, just a job. You’d miss them, that was for sure, but you understood. You had to. “We called the agency already and I think they’re planning a few interviews for you so you won’t be out of work because of our change in situation.” You nodded. That was standard practice.

“Perfect.” You smiled at her. “Well, I’m going to miss you guys.” You offered sadly. “It’s been amazing working with all of you.” Abigail smiled and pulled you in for a hug.

“You have been a God-send and I don’t know how we’re going to get along without you.”

“Oh, you’ll do fine.” You reassure her. “Well, then, I’ll leave you to it. Charlie has been down for his morning nap for about an hour and a half, he should be waking up soon.” Abigail nodded. “And, Abby is finishing lunch, so she’s good until her nap time…” You trail off quietly. “I’m sorry…you know their routine.” You shake your head as Abigail laughs gently. “Well, if you need me for anything, just call the agency.” Abigail gave you a soft smile.

“I will. I promise.” She turned to her daughter. “Abby, Y/N is going to be going now. Want to give her a big hug before nap time? She won’t be here when you wake up since Mommy’s home.” Abby smiled up at you before stretching her hands up and wiggling her fingers at you, signaling she wanted up in your arms. Quickly you scoop her up before smothering her in a giant hug and peppering her face with playful kisses which caused the child to squeal as she wrapped her arms around you.

“Bye, bye baby girl. You’re going to have so much fun coming up!” You say quickly, smiling at the little girl in your arms.

“Bye bye Y/N!” She coos before leaning towards her mother to clean her up and get her ready for nap time. You smiled at Abigail again before giving her a gentle wave and making your way to the door to scoop up your purse and make your way back home. As you slid into the driver’s side of the car, you heard your cellphone ringing. You checked the caller ID and recognize the agency’s number. They must have found you an interview already. That was promising.

“Hello?”

“Hey Y/N.” Sylvia’s voice chirped into your ear. “So, I have an interview for your next assignment.” She started tentatively. “How do you feel about traveling?”

~~~

Misha stared at the profiles before him. He and Vicki had decided that it was time for a full-time nanny to help with the kids. West was five (or going to be very soon) and Maison was three. Vicki could take care of them on her own, but it became more and more apparent to the two of them that the kids (or at least little West) wanted to go with his daddy whenever he traveled. Misha knew being on the set of Supernatural all day was going to drive the kid nuts, so a nanny would help keep the kid busy and out of trouble. The problem was, he’d never needed a nanny before and had no idea how to pick a good one. They’d gotten the name of this agency from a couple of Vicki’s friends that used them, and had called them this morning. Almost instantly the company had faxed over about five profiles of current nannies that were available and open for traveling, but none of them really seemed to instill any confidence in him (of course it was just a sheet of paper with their information and a short blurb about experience, but still.) Maybe this wasn’t going to work.

He could still take West to work with him in Vancouver. He was sure that Jensen or Jared could help with keeping an eye on Westy as well as any other crew member that would be willing. He wrinkled his nose thinking to himself. He really didn’t want to impose the role of “babysitter” on any of the guys. They would be just as busy (if not more so) as him, so in all honesty that option really was moot. He let out a sigh and flipped through the profiles again before he heard his phone ringing. Tapping the screen without looking he answered quickly, noticing Vicki turn her attention to him from across the room where she was playing with West and Maison.

“Mr. Collins?” He perked a little.

“Yes.”

“Hello, this is Sylvia from the agency.” She chirped cheerfully. “We spoke earlier about your inquiry for a nanny to travel with you and your children while you were on set?” He hummed into the phone. “Yes, well, there has been a development.” He wanted to sigh. This didn’t sound good. “One of our best nannies just became available as of this morning. I was wondering if you were interested in me sending over her profile or if you’d already made a decision?”

“No. That sounds good.” He said as he moved to go sit by his wife as he listened to the receptionist from the nanny agency (God, he couldn’t even believe that was a thing) chirp off a few things about the newest nanny she wanted to send over.

“She’s been employed with us for almost six years. She’s received her degree in child development with a special emphasis on child psychology. She’s worked with numerous clients and has received nothing but the highest marks and customer reviews.”

“Then why did she just become available?” He asked, truly interested. If she was so good, why would any family let her go?

“Her current family is moving upstate and decided to terminate services since their child was going to be placed in preschool after the move.”

“Ah.” He answered. “Well, then yes. Go ahead and send over her information. I’ll go over it with my wife and let you know who we want to meet with.”

“Very good sir. I’ll send over her information for you to peruse at your leisure.” Misha hummed into the receiver again. “Alright sir. Well, we hope to hear from you soon.” With that a quick click sounded in his ear and he sighed, tucking his phone away.

“Everything alright Mish?” Vicki asked as she sat down next to him on the couch.

“Yeah. They’re sending over another profile. This one sounds almost too good to be true.” He commented as he watched West and Maison begin to play.

“How so?”

“Degree in child development, or child psychology or something like that.” He shrugged. “She’s one of the top nannies they have.” Vicki gave a hum of her own.

“You’re right.” His phone dinged, signaling that he received an email, most likely the agency sending over that profile. He opened the file attachment and scrolled through it, vaguely registering that it basically parroted all the same information he’d just been told. He turned his phone to Vicki.

“What do you think?” She read through the information and thought for a moment.

“It’s worth a meet. If she really is as good as they say, then we shouldn’t have a problem.” She said. “And West will definitely let you know if things aren’t working out.” Misha nodded in response. West was definitely an outspoken child that had no problem telling them how he felt. They’d have the initial interview, and then maybe a secondary where she got to meet the children. Then they’d make a final decision.

“Alright. I’ll call them and set up the interview.” Vicki nodded again.

“I’m going to get the kids fed while you do that so Maison can get ready for her nap.” He nodded and placed a quick kiss to Vicki’s cheek before she walked away. He placed the phone up to his ear and listened as it rang.

“Hello! This is Sylvia from The Nanny Association Agency. How can I help you?”

“Hello, Sylvia. This is Misha Collins.”

“Oh, hello Mr. Collins. I take it you’ve made a decision?” She queried enthusiastically.

“Yes, but we’re still a little on the fence.”

“Oh dear. Well what can I do to help assuage your fears and placate your concerns?”

“My wife and I were hoping to do an initial interview with one of the nannies and then if we feel comfortable we’d like to have a secondary interview where we can see her interact with the children. These are our kids and we’re just unsure about trusting them with someone we’ve only met once.”

“I completely understand. Standard procedure states that you are entitled to up to three interview sessions. Many families do only have the initial interview, but it is completely up to you if you would like to stage a few more interview sessions just to make sure. These are your children and we understand how important it is to make sure this is the correct fit.” He smiled into the phone. “Does that help Mr. Collins?”

“Yes. That helps a lot. Thanks.”

“Wonderful. When did you want to schedule your initial interview? We have two days from now at eleven, twelve thirty, one, four, or would another day work best for you two?”

“Two days will work. Let’s schedule for one.”

“Very good sir, and who did you decide to meet with?”

“The last girl you sent us. Y/F/N Y/L/N.”

“Wonderful. She’s highly recommended and I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. I’ll relay the information and she will meet you two days from now at one.”

“Great. Thank you.”

“No, thank you Mr. Collins.” Sylvia replied into the phone before listening to it click as he hung up the phone. Misha tucked his phone into his pocket and sighed, stacking the printed profiles in the folder and sliding it away. He hoped this girl, this Y/N, was going to be a good fit. He really didn’t want to have to start over with all of this headache. Especially not with filming starting soon.

Taglist: @imamotherfuckingstar-lord @big-to-beautiful

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[hopewritcs]

dancing in the kitchen. five.

pairing: romantic steve x reader, familial dustin x reader

word count: 2.5k

summary: without giving too much away: the reader is Y/N Henderson, Dustin’s older cousin who’s staying in town, due to some family issues. takes place soon after s2.

note: lol so while i was writing this i realized that i set this just before christmas because that was prob about the time i originally started writing so i know it’s like feb now but it’s december for them. 

also i apologize for not having something sooner. as you can see i’ve gone on semi-hiatus. life has kept me busy lately as i’m student teaching and attempting to keep up with making lesson plans and grading papers, but i wouldn’t want to stop altogether. so chapters and things will still be coming, but it’ll be a while between them. hopefully not super long anymore and i can get more on a schedule, but it won’t be a regular schedule until the summer! again, i apologize.

enjoy the update !!! :) -- the reader’s backstory is finally revealed in this chapter! 

other chapters: masterlist

tag list: @stevieboyharrington, @lola-winston-harrington, @fuckthatfeeling​,@thekidsofneibolt, @labgeek, @tyedyedstars, @samisimportant, @madhatterweasley, @pity-mee, @l4life, @veryweirdintrovert, @restlessmelodrama, @darkuserboxes, @princessnancy (if you wanna be added to the tag list, let me know!!)

The first day of school wasn’t as hard as Y/N thought it would be. Most of her classes she had with Nancy or Jonathan, even some with Steve. Always being with a familiar face helped her find a place to be in each classroom. Someone she could sit next to, who could help her figure out what was going on if she got lost in the lesson. 

She even had them all to sit with at lunch, which she silently thanked whoever had made her schedule. 

She wound up sitting next to Steve at lunch, across from Nancy as they all talked about plans. Y/N had to catch up on some assignments, making sure she knew what was going on in all her classes. When she mentioned that, they all agreed to help her study and make sure she knew what she had been missing. 

Which is how the four teens formed a study group. Sort of. Mostly it was them making sure Y/N knew what she had missed in class, and joking around with each other. They would spend the days after school often at the Henderson house, going over notes and everything that had happened in classes for the day. 

She surprisingly liked school a lot more in Hawkins than anywhere else.  It felt more like home, a place to actually be. At old schools Y/N had always felt like she was being forced to learn...stuck in the same place. In Hawkins, it felt laid back. She felt relaxed. She didn’t have to worry about private school uniforms or advanced Latin exams.  Or some stupid gossip going around. 

And, best of all, Y/N didn’t have to worry about her parents. 

For the first time since Y/N was a pre-teen, she felt normal. Not rushed. She didn’t feel like anything was expected of her, or like she was under pressure. She was able to laugh and run around and do what she wanted. 

Today, Y/N was cleaning up her notebooks in the living room as her Aunt set the table for dinner. It was a Friday night, and Y/N had made it through her first week of school in Hawkins. 

“Can you believe you just started here and now it’s already Christmas break?” her Aunt called from her spot in front of the stove. 

Y/N nodded, standing up as she put her books back in her backpack. Brushing her hair out of her face, she smiled, “Yeah, it’s weird how fast time’s gone by. Still feels like I just got here, though.” 

“Well, you did just get here. I’m sorry I didn’t know you would be here so soon, Y/N. I didn’t get you any presents for Christmas. I’ll have to go shopping soon. Maybe you and I can go to the mall this week? You can point out a few things you might like. Heck, we can even drag Dustin along with us. Make it a family day trip.” Claudia spoke with such a smile on her face. Y/N smiled too, at the caring nature of her aunt. And how she seemed so excited to have Y/N here.��

“Aunt Claudia, you don’t have to get me anything.” she stood up from the living room floor and walked into the kitchen to give her aunt a hand, pouring glasses of water for everyone. “Seriously, it’s already more than enough that you’re letting me stay here. I don’t need any presents.” 

“Nonsense, dear. You’re family. You should get presents on Christmas.” Claudia spoke, wrapping an arm around her niece in a tight hug. 

Y/N hugged her back, “Thanks for everything.” she spoke softly. 

“Family should always be there for family.” Claudia explained, smoothing Y/N’s hair out of her face with a soft motherly smile before turning back to the stove. 

Y/N felt her chest swell with emotion at her aunts words. She had to blink her eyes and turn away before her aunt might catch her crying. She hadn’t felt this much like a family in so long. It had been many years since the last family Christmas. She could barely remember what her last family meal had looked like, let alone a family outing. Everything in her home felt so stuffy. 

Y/N hadn’t bothered to say goodbye to her parents before she left. If that was any indication of how close she had been to them. 

Then again, they hadn’t exactly called since she’d gotten here, had she?  

No, Y/N and her parents were, at best, acquaintances.  Maybe even awkward family friends. It had happened to be like that for a while, even before Y/N got into all that trouble with school. Trouble which she was grateful her aunt and cousin hadn’t asked about or even told any of their friends about. Y/N still wasn’t ready to go into that detail with everyone else. 

At her last school, Y/N had gotten caught in a group of bad people. They were the tough guys, stealing tests and causing problems. When she and the group of friends had butted heads, things went south fast. Suddenly Y/N was out of the group and the rumours she’d once helped create were coming back to bite her in the ass. Suddenly she was being called names and being framed for things she didn’t do. 

The last straw had been when Y/N had been accused of sleeping with the headmaster of the school. While it wasn’t true, no one believed her after everything else had been said. Not even her own parents had believed her. Which is why she had wound up here, in Hawkins, while her parents struggled somewhere in Europe to fix their marriage. 

Y/N was taken from her thoughts when her aunt called for Dustin to come down the stairs. She caught her aunt giving her a raised eyebrow look, but Claudia didn’t say anything. Instead she just patted Y/N’s shoulder as she passed by to grab Tews food from the kitchen cabinet. 

Y/N sighed heavily to herself, brushing a hand through her curls as she took a seat in her chair at the table. She toyed with the napkin under her silverware as she listened to the sounds in the kitchen. Her aunt was humming and cooing softly at the kitten by her feet, while Dustin was clamoring down the stairs, racing to sit at the table. 

His had fell off his head as he bounced into his seat beside Y/N. “Shit.” Dustin exclaimed, reaching to the floor to grab his hat. 

“Language, Dustin.” Claudia reprimanded as she took her eyes off the kitten who was finally eating. She brushed her hands off on her pants before turning to wash them in the kitchen sink. As she did, she turned her gaze back to Dustin, “Hats off at the table.” 

“Yes mom.” Dustin groaned in reply, slowly taking his hat off and placing it on the back of his chair. 

Y/N giggled. “If you’d left it on the floor, she wouldn’t have told you that.” 

Dustin rolled his eyes, turning to his cousin. “And let Tews step all over it? No thanks, he already got my last hat.” Dustin began gathering food from the table and putting helpings onto his plates. “Mom, you remember that we’re having everyone over tomorrow night for a sleepover. It’s my turn to host DnD night, and everyone likes playing with Tews too.” 

Dustin’s mother had just sat at the table and her eyes widened at his words. 

Dustin exclaimed, in her silence, “You forgot?!” He grabbed his curls in his hands, sighing. “Mom, what am I supposed to do?” 

“Sorry, sweetheart. I have to work late. I’ll leave Y/N instructions for food and she can watch you until I get home. But everyone sleeps down in the living room. No funny business.” Claudia explained, pointing a finger at her son. 

“Funny business? Ew. Gross. No. We’re just playing a game.” Dustin shook his head, shuddering at the thought as he stuffed his face with mashed potatoes. 

Y/N giggled, biting her lip as she shook her head at her cousin. 

“You can watch them, right Y/N?” Claudia turned to look at Y/N with a small smile, practically pleading with her niece. 

Y/N waved her hand and shrugged. “No worries, Aunt C. I got ‘em under control. The munchkins love me.”

“Munchkins?” Dustin asked, offended. 

“You’re younger than me, aren’t you, munchkin?” Y/N pointed out with a chuckle. 

“Yeah, sure, but munchkin?” 

“Deal with it, munchkin.” Y/N ruffled his hair and then turned back to her own dinner. She could sense Dustin rolling his eyes, but her younger cousin didn’t bother making another comment. 

Y/N was getting ready for everyone to come over the next day. Aunt Claudia had left strict instructions that Y/N was supposed to make everyone dinner, not order pizza. “Those boys eat too much pizza. Make them something nice. Cook books are in the kitchen.” she’d said when she was leaving for work that morning. 

Which is why Y/N had borrowed Dustin’s bike to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things. She was going to make a pasta and some honey roasted carrots for dinner. It was one of her personal favorites one of the maid’s she’d had growing up had made often. 

Dustin had been running around getting set up for the night. He grabbed the extra pillows and blankets and placed them on the floor by the couch, and then he was working on finding some videos to put on as well. He had a whole pile of them placed by the television and then he went back up to his room, telling Y/N that he was going to be calling his friends on the walkie to see if there was anything they needed for the night. 

“Make sure to tell them I’m cooking for them, so their asses better be hungry!” Y/N called after him. 

“Yeah, I’ll tell them to bring their own food in case you burn this.” 

“Hey!” Y/N called after him. “I’ll never make you pancakes again with that attitude.” 

Footsteps were racing and then Y/N saw Dustin halfway down the stairs. “No, c’mon Y/N. Yours are the best!” 

“You have such little faith in my dinner cooking abilities.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Maybe I’ll just let you starve.” 

“What about everyone else?”

“I didn’t say I’d let everyone starve. Just you, munchkin.” 

“What? That’s so not fair Y/N!” 

“Life isn’t fair, munchkin.” 

“But, but, but Y/N” Dustin’s voice was getting higher as he whined. 

“I’ll tell you what, you do cleanup duty and you can eat some food. And I’ll even make everyone pancakes tomorrow morning.” 

“Deal! I swear, I’m sorry.” Dustin exclaimed, bouncing down to the kitchen to give Y/N a hug. 

“Aw, cool beans, Dusty. I was gonna give you food anyway, but now that you’ll clean you can get an extra helping.” Y/N laughed, musing his hair as she spoke and hugged him back. 

“Wait what?” Dustin pulled back from her grasp and looked at her confused. “Are you serious?” 

“Yup. Super serious.” Y/N smirked and then turned back to the stove. 

Dustin muttered something that Y/N didn’t hear as he bounded back up the stairs. Y/N only laughed to herself as she continued to move around the kitchen and get food ready. She also put a couple of snacks in different bowls, putting them in the living room for when everyone else showed up. 

It was only an hour later when Chief Hopper showed up with Jane and Maxine. He came in the house after Y/N opened the door. She offered him something to drink, but he said he had to go back to work. Then he ruffled Jane’s brown hair and waved goodbye as he left the house. 

“Can you guys help me set the dining room table?” Y/N asked. 

Jane nodded her head and she went into the kitchen with Max following along. Jane turned to look at Y/N and paused. 

“Plates are in that cabinet above the blender. Silverware in the drawer below, and then cups are in the cabinet to the left of the stove.” Y/N explained, pointing out where everything was as she went back to putting the vegetables in the oven. 

Sooner than she expected, the door opened and Lucas walked in with Mike behind him. They were followed closely by Will, Jonathan, and Nancy. 

“Dustin, everyone’s here.” Y/N called, turning the stovetop off and straining the water from the pasta over the sink. 

“No, Steve’s not here yet.” Nancy commented, munching on a pretzel from one of the bowls Y/N had put out earlier. 

“Steve’s coming?” Y/N asked, hoping her voice didn’t sound overly excited, or even nervous about the prospect of seeing Steve. They were becoming friends, actual friends, but it didn’t help the butterflies in Y/N’s stomach when she thought of him. 

“Yeah, he called this morning. Good thing too, cause he totally thought it was still at Nancy’s. He had no idea that the Wheeler parents have an annual date night with the Sinclair’s.” Jonathan spoke up with a shrug. 

“Ew, don’t remind me. Why do you think we left home so early?” Nancy giggled, nudging Jonathan’s shoulder. 

“Come on, that sounds fun. A double date night with friends.” Y/N replied, putting the pasta into a big bowl. 

“Maybe you and Steve should go out with Jonathan and Nancy sometime, then.” Max said from the dining room where all the kids were currently sitting, except Dustin who was still upstairs. 

“Steve and who should what?” 

Y/N turned around at his voice. She hadn’t expected him to just come right in, even though she figured this was like a second home to him as well. But even if he had just welcomed himself into the Henderson home, Y/N hadn’t expected him to walk in right then and there.

“Max just said that you and Y/N should double with Nance and Jonathan.” Will explained, never looking up from the cards in his hand. 

Y/N felt the blush on her face, her cheeks heating up to what she could only assume was a deep deep shade of red. 

Dustin finally made his appearance, jumping from the bottom step with a smile on his face, oblivious to what everyone else was feeling in the moment as he spoke up, “Y/N, this smells so good. I’m starved. When did everyone get here? Shit, I must have fallen asleep. Why is everyone staring at Y/N and Steve? What did I miss?” Dustin finally caught on and looked around, noticing everyones eyes were either trained on Y/N’s bright red face, or Steve’s confused looking face. 

“Y/N and Steve are dating.” Jane answered, speaking for what almost felt like the first time since Y/N had known her. “Can we eat now? Dustin’s right, the food smells good.” 

[jojobonetto]

Edensgate

I was punished today because I refused to make my bed when I was ordered to. After lessons, I was sent to The Birches with no dinner for “quiet time” where I was to reflect on my behaviour and read passages from the teachings. It was cold in The Birches. There was one long, narrow, dank, damp room, with rows upon rows of single, metal framed beds, all covered in rough, heavy grey blankets. Along one end, there were three desks. The windows were painted black, with imposing vertical iron bars fixed across them, leaving us in no doubt that the outside world was not available to us. This was where the disobedient were sent.

The passages I had to read were chosen for me by Minnie. She was my teacher. Minnie and Winston taught all the children at Edensgate. I had been instructed to write about what I had read in the context of my defiant behaviour and explain how I was not obeying my teachings, or the Edensgate religious order. I was in The Birches for five hours. I was tired when they allowed me to leave, my hands were hurting from all of that writing. Minnie took my books and my work away with her after sending me to my dormitory. I was told to go straight to sleep. No talking was permitted once lights were out.

_______________________________________________________

Some of the other children at Edensgate are nice to me but there is this one girl, Amari, who does not like me very much. She tells me I am adopted. That my mother never loved me enough to keep me and instead gave me away to Edensgate. I had been born bad and needed to be punished. The sins of my mother had been passed down to me in the womb, she said, and that I needed to be cleansed. My mind was filled with filth at birth as all bastards were. I told her she was a liar and there was no way she could possibly know that I was adopted. Amari smiled, and said there were files on everyone at Edensgate and that she had read mine. That was how she knew. She said the files were kept in Minnie’s office and the next time there was opportunity, she would show me where my file was. Amari thought she was so worldly and knew everything and it drove me crazy. Just for once it would be nice to prove her wrong, but I doubt she would ever admit it. I asked Amari if she was adopted too. She said “yes”, she was. She was an orphan and had started her life with her grandparents, but they had struggled to take care of her and decided to put her up for adoption. Amari was seventeen.

_______________________________________________________

I get to leave the grounds once or twice a month, if I am lucky and only under supervision of an older child. I am fortunate that most times they place with Amari and she is very inattentive. I can give her the slip while she is talking to boys, or smoking behind the corner shop. Amari does not care much for Edensgate and their rules at all, but she is a wonderful actress. No one there suspects she is not fully on their side and that is the way Amari likes it, she is a survivor. Amari is also my fixer in here. Whatever I need, Amari can get for me. The only problem is, Amari is not very committed to helping others, only herself. Sometimes she will bring me gifts, to make my life more comfortable, such as a book, a pen, a doll and other times she will steal my things, or worse, she will break them. Amari has no reason to behave the way she does, but she says she does it to me because it is “too easy”. Amari also tells me I am gullible. I believe anything she tells me. She has spun me a few yarns now, and I always fall for it. I tell her that I do not understand why she criticises me for believing her. Surely this is a strength. To assume that people are lying to me would be a very sad way to live. Amari tells me life is sadness. That I should get used to it or I will be living in a world of perpetual disappointment. I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, but I was afraid to ask her to explain. Amari has a temper.

_______________________________________________________

I have not always lived here at Edensgate. My adoptive parents, Harry and Maeve moved here when I was seven years old. Before that, my life was different. I had been very ill all my childhood, since I was a baby when I had my first seizure. I had a lot of health problems and was in and out of hospital a lot. I was hardly ever at school, so my parents decided to home school me, then to give me social skills they became involved with Edensgate and once my health issues began to ease, as I grew out of them, we moved here.

_______________________________________________________

I would very much like my mother to come get me and take me home with her. I don’t really like it here. The people are very strict with me and I seem to be forever being punished. I don’t know why they see me as such a bad person. Amari tells me I am just a normal little girl. She can be nice sometimes. Other times she says mean things to me. Sometimes she sings to me.

_______________________________________________________

The bad dreams came again. I never know when they will come but when they do I wake up frozen, unable to move. It feels as though someone is holding me down, but no one is there. Once it passes I am left sitting in the dark, scared and alone. I remember when I was small, I had my parents to comfort me after a nightmare. Until I was taken away from my home and adopted, that is. That was when everything I knew changed. I miss my home, or what little I can remember about it now. I was seven years old when I left, and it feels so hazy to me now. Everything is starting to fade. Every day I try to remember my home, and cling on to the memories, to try to make them stay. I feel them slipping away and the idea that one day I might not remember makes it difficult for me to breathe. I must believe that my home is still there, waiting for me. I just need to find my way back to it, or they need to find me.

[of-ninjas-and-mercenaries]

I know I was meant to pick only one, but I would love it if you could do two. Ship: GenReaper. Numbers: Five and Twelve. <3

Here are your lovely two small fics

# 5 Things You Didn’t Say At All

Genji was stalking around the area, he was supposed to be keeping watch for the Talon agents. They were told they were around but not where. Winston had said not to go out alone but he had to, he needed a place and time to think. Ana had just relayed some information to them, something big and important. Reaper was in fact Gabriel Reyes. 

Genji kicked the dirt under his feet and sighed, what was he supposed to do. Reaper was the man he had started to fall in love with years ago. Someone he thought was dead. He shook his head a little before moving to sit down with a huff. But as he did he saw out of the corner of his eye, his systems picked it up first. A black smoke. 

Genji sprang up and spun around before coming face to face with Reaper. Guns were drawn but Genji found he couldn’t get his sword out. Staring at the man who had meant everything to him in his darkest time. 

“Not going to put up a fight?”

“I will not fight you... Gabriel”

The wraith snarled at this and Genji thanked the Iris he had quick reflexes because Reaper fired a shot and Genji barely ducked out of the way. He scrambled back and pulled out his sword finally. He didn’t want to fight him but he knew he probably had to now. 

“Please, I do not want to fight you”

Reaper growled and fired again, Genji harmlessly deflecting it off to the side. But when he lowered the sword to look at Reaper again the wraith was gone and an alert in his systems went off which indicated the intimate danger he was in. 

Genji turned in time to take a shotgun to the face, metal on metal, and the strength he could hardly believe. The hit threw Genji back and the ninja was quick to roll backwards until he was back on his feet. Shaking himself off he backed up a little. If he kept his distance the other wouldn’t risk shooting at him. 

Reaper growled because he hated this, he knew he had to take out all of Overwatch, he had to bring them to the ground. But this was Genji. He couldn’t kill Genji, could he? No, he already knew the answer, it’s why he whacked the ninja with the gun instead of shooting him. 

Why did he have to run into Genji of all people right now, he wasn’t in a good mood, the high ups in Talon called it a Hostile Mood. They purposefully made him angry before sending him out, making him more dangerous to those he ran into. But it seemed it didn’t matter because he still froze when it came to Genji. 

“We do not have to fight”

Reaper looked up when Genji spoke and shook his head, he knew they had to fight but it was like he couldn’t. His body wouldn’t let him, no not his body. His body had little say in whether or not he wanted to do something. His mind said yes, this is what was supposed to happen, but still. His heart said no.

 Not that he thought he had a heart, but of course if anyone could bring out that old heart of his it would be Genji. And speaking of, he watched as the man was slowly moving to kneel down. Putting his swords behind him as if to say he wasn’t going to fight anymore. Reaper frowned and walked over, holding his gun up to fire at him. He could end this right now. 

“I love you Gabriel”

The words were soft and barely spoken. Words that Genji wished he had said a long time ago but didn’t have the courage to speak. Reaper froze in place, what was he supposed to do? Say it back? It was true, he loved him back then and it was more than obvious to Reaper now that he still loved him. 

Genji kept his eyes closed as he bowed his head to the other, ready to take the shot but it never came. Instead he felt the wisps and then nothing. The Reaper was gone. Genji slowly opened his eyes and looked up, the man was gone. The man he loved, did he still love him. Well that explained why he couldn’t fight him, 

And Genji smiled because he knew there was still some of the man he loved in there, and he knew the other cared for him. Reaper may not have said it but well, it was obvious in his actions. Genji had been ready to let the other kill him if that's what he had wanted. But he didn’t.

# 12 Things You Said When You Thought I Was Asleep 

Reaper shifted a little, he had been trying to get to sleep but as usual sleep didn't come easy for him. He was going to turn and talk to Genji because he could tell the cyborg was still awake, but he stopped when he heard a sigh from the other.

"I know you're asleep and probably don't care about this anyway... But I'm worried about how the rest of Overwatch will treat you when they find out. And I know, you're tough you can handle them.. But I'm scared. They're my friends and I love you and I want you all to get along somehow.." 

Reaper laid still, wondering why Genji seemed like he didn't want him to know this. Was he afraid of how Reaper would react to it. Not that the wraith blamed him, he did always have a bit of a temper. He didn't like that he worried the other so much he felt he could only say this when he was asleep. 

Genji sighed a little because he didn't know what to do but he wanted them to be okay, he didn't want to lose his friends but he knew what Reaper was after and he didn't want to lose him either. 

"I know you won't change your plans but maybe.. Maybe I can ask you to hold off for now.. Until we can find a way for things to be okay." 

Genji didn't mean to start crying but all these thoughts running through his head were making him worried. Worried to the point of tears and it was worrying Reaper.

The wraith had to keep himself calm, he didn’t want to alert the other to the fact that he was awake but he wanted to do something to help him. Reaper settled on closing his eyes and turning himself to face Genji, curling up closer to him with a faint whimper. A sign of an oncoming nightmare.

Genji snapped out of his own thoughts when he heard the whimper and shifted to hold his lover in his arms and started to rub his arm and back a little. 

“Shh, it’s alright. I’m here, I always will be” 

Reaper let out a small breath, something that he couldn’t help because now he was really feeling bad. Genji knew that he was going after his friends and yet the other didn’t hate him. Didn’t turn away from him. Didn’t push him away. It hardly felt fair. 

He let his body relax before waiting, he knew that he just had to wait a little longer for the other to fall asleep. It wasn’t hard to tell because Genji’s once tense body went very lax as he fell asleep. 

Giving a small breath he sat up enough to look the other over with a small sigh. Only moved enough so he could get the cyborg settled in his lap. Gently petting his head as he thought on what the other had told him. 

“I’m sorry Genji, maybe if you ask me... Maybe for you I’ll try” 

The night was quiet around them except for the very light humming of Genji’s cybernetics, a soft soothing sound to Reaper. Something he had gotten used to hearing in the darkness of the nights when he couldn’t sleep. Much like tonight. But as always it was helping. The silence met by that low humming, reminding him his love was there. A reason he was safe enough to sleep.

[solarbird]

The Armourer and the Living Weapon, Chapter 10: she even got me, once

This chapter is worksafe.

[AO3 link]

"Are you ready?" asked Oilliphéist, over audio-only comms.

"I am," replied Widowmaker.

"Château," said Emily.

"Châteauneuf-du-Pape," responded the sniper.

"Vaucluse."

"Signal de Saint-Pierre."

"Lavande."

"What're they doing?" asked Winston, quietly, leaning to Lena, as the two assassins continued to exchange words.

"They did this before, Widow explained it to me," the teleporter replied, leaning to Winston, equally quiet. "It's a kind of integrity check? It's a series of trigger words that key other words. It changes on its own, over time, so if one or two words change, it's no big deal, right? But if it changes a lot, quickly - somebody's mucked with her."

The scientist nodded. "Handy, given where they came from. Emily's English, though - why's it all in French?"

Lena just shrugged, focusing on the word series. The sequence sounded the same as before, to her, but she wasn't entirely sure - she'd tried to remember the list, but there were so many words. She heard Emily say, "Livraison," and immediately thought, Metro.

"Metro," said Widowmaker, and Lena smiled.

"Centre météorologique canadien," replied Oilliphéist.

"Armoiries."

"Exactly the same as last time."

"Your side, as well," said the spider, "to my distinct relief."

"So," said Lena, "you both basically... check out?"

Widowmaker nodded. "Yes. I wish you had this facility, as well. It is... reassuring."

"Talon didn't build that into you, did they." It wasn't a question. "I wouldn't think they'd want you t'know."

"Spot on," said Emily, over comms. "I think it's a side-effect. We found it ourselves, in her, first - and now I have it, too!"

"Nothin' personal, but if the ability to checksum my brain comes only as part of gettin' my brain rebuilt, I'll opt out."

Widowmaker allowed her lover a small smile. "Understandable."

"Em, you still hiding out at the safehouse?"

"Yes, and it's incredibly dull. Have you talked to Overwatch's council yet?"

"About to - we wanted to check in with you, first. Let you know we were alive."

"I do appreciate that - but Aunt Moira's getting pretty impatient."

"Yeah, well, she can wait - this is our first day out of quarantine. We'll be meeting up after lunch."

"I'll tell her you're out of Overwatch jail, at least... oh! How is, um, the cowboy?"

"Embarrassed," said the defector. "Deservedly."

"Don't be mad at him," Emily replied over comms, "Auntie's good with those darts. They're self-guided. She even got me, once!"

"Before, or after?" asked Widowmaker.

A laugh, over comms. "Before, obviously. But still."

"She wouldn't get me now," said Tracer, as Widowmaker nodded in agreement. "Nor me, I think," her lover added.

A giggle. "I'm pretty sure she'd love another chance to practice those upgrades, if he wanted to come by..."

"No," interrupted Tracer, firmly. "Now that we've checked in - we've got some prep work to do on this end, and I need to get some workout time with those pistols you made."

Widowmaker agreed, humming quietly. "Cherie, do you mind? We will contact you again after the meeting."

"I'll be waiting. And tell me how it goes, on the range! I'm so glad to hear your voices again - both of you."

"I know," replied the sniper, eyes half-closed, "it is the same, for me."

"Oilliphéist out."

"Widowmaker out."

"I don't remember giving you clearance for your pistols," Dr. Ziegler said, sternly, as the comms went quiet.

Tracer shook her hands. "C'mon, doc, we've both been locked up for days. I know I need a workout."

"As do I," noted the spider.

"You must have something we can use..."

"This is a research facility, not an Overwatch station. We have a weights room, which you are both welcome to use, but we have nothing like you're requesting." The doctor considered. "Fareeha uses a Helix Security facility when here, perhaps," she thumbed her comm. "Perhaps we can work something out. I'll be right back." She walked to her private office, and the two women talked, quietly, over comms, for a few minutes, before returning.

"Good news; we have a site. She'll meet us there," said the scientist. "No sniper rounds, I'm sorry. But we do have clearance for pistols, supervised, as long as they're kept unloaded outside the range."

The assassin shrugged. "I could, I suppose, limber up with my chain, and re-establish targeting. It is better than nothing."

"Yeah, love," smiled her partner. "Maybe you can even keep up with me now!"

A derisive snort. "I always could."

An hour later, Tracer jinked from target to target, faster than ever, four to five teleports at a time. This is... this is wizard, she thought, as she unloaded entire clips into targets in patterns - smiley faces, outlines of airplanes, her initials, whatever came to mind.

Widowmaker watched from a level above, tracking her lover with her empty Kiss, and finding it difficult at first - until her own quickness started to settle in, overriding old habits, old limits, and as it did, she purred. Ooh la la, she thought. This is better. This is... this is wonderful.

Pharah, in turn, watched from above, astonished at their raw speed, occasionally exchanging words with Winston over comms, Winston, who worried - deeply - for them both.

-----

"So that's basically the situation," Lena explained. "We can intervene on one side of this civil war Talon's got going. If we pull it off, we tip the balance back to where it was before Akande got sprung. Moira continues to be terrifying and awful, Talon continues to be a pack of wankers - no offence, love..."

"None taken," replied Widowmaker. "I defected for reasons, after all."

"...but we stop Talon's attempt to start a Second Omnic Crisis. Millions of people - both omnic and human - don't die in the next couple of years just 'cause Doomfist and Reaper have some kind of fascist hard-on for 'struggle.' Both sides of Talon lose a lot, and come out weaker."

"And all Overwatch does is... stay out of the way?" Winston asked.

"Pretty much. I'd be the intermediary, and ... I'd be involved, up close, and unexpected. Mostly to protect Em and Wids - but not just."

"There are reasons I kept you out of Blackwatch, Lena," Morrison said.

"Think I'm not suited for it, then?" she glared just a little, copper eyes glinting.

"Too well suited for it. It's corrosive. You saw what it did to Rayes."

"Someone from Overwatch has to see what happens, dad. Unless you just wanna take their word on it."

"Preventing another war has to come first," said Mei-Ling. "The data I have is all very bad. I do not think the ecosystem could handle another conflict like the last one! There is already so much damage, and everything is so unstable now... another war like the last one would push us over several different edges, the results would be catastrophic. Millions dead is far too low an estimate."

Angela nodded. "I have served as a wartime medic and surgeon in enough wars. If we could preempt one - particularly one so large as that..." She shook her head.

"Not to mention, with Talon busy, we could really go to work on Vishkar," added Lúcio, no longer in Brazil, but at the table, stopping by while on tour. "With an Architech on our side, pointing out where we should investigate - we could do a lot of real good while Talon's busy having their little showdown."

"It's almost too good." Hana frowned, skepticism in her voice. "If I saw this in a game, I'd be all 'ha ha no not fallin' for that, n00b.'"

Lena nodded. "Too right. We'd have to be on the lookout for some kinda betrayal at every point."

"Sure," the Korean replied. "But - we're missing something. And here you are, talking about working with" - she gestured at the smirking French Talon agent, who had the sense not to talk about her finest kills - "Mondatta's assassin..."

"I'm already sleeping with her, luv, this isn't a big step," Lena snipped, shifting the rifle on her back, just a little. She missed her new pistols already - but the Kiss being there helped.

"...and maybe she got better, okay, but you're siding up with the mad scientist who made her, and her crazy niece, all to pick a side in their civil war? I'm not the only one seeing bait here, am I?"

"No," said Morrison. "You're not."

"Not trying isn't an option, though," said Mei-Ling.

Oxton nodded, and sighed. "I'm not sayin' I don't see the possible traps. I do. At best, it's messy and it's awful, but I ... I know that Mondatta would want this war stopped. He'd care about how, it would matter, but most of all, he wouldn't want this war to happen."

"And we're not just going after both sides, because...?"

"Because that is probably the one thing that would force them to mend their fences," interjected the blue assassin. "They would go back to working together, rather than fighting each other."

"Nothin' creates alliances like a common enemy," added Lena.

"I still don't like it," said the Meka pilot. She turned to Dr. Ziegler. "I don't care what you think about her personally, doc, but as far as I can tell, Moira's a psychopath." She heard Lena snicker, to her right.

"I never said she wasn't," replied the Swiss woman. "Many psychopaths are personable, when they want to be."

"If she decides she wins by turning on us, she will," Song insisted.

"Absolutely," Lena agreed. "That'll have to be in every decision we make."

"It will be," insisted the soldier. "Assuming we're foolish enough to try this."

"We have to," insisted Dr. Zhou, again, before being interrupted by Lúcio, objecting, "I don't see how you can even think about working with her, after the way she grabbed you like that. No way I would."

"T'be honest, I'm scared of her. But... not even for a prize this big?"

Lúcio had to think about it, and didn't immediately answer.

"What if it would take down Vishkar?"

The DJ took a long, deep breath, and nodded, slowly once. "...yeah. Maybe."

"There y'go. That's why."

"We have to try," interjected Mei-Ling, again, with surprising vehemence. "Are none of you listening? If they are trying to start this war, if that is Doomfist and Reaper's plan, we have to try. We also have to tell every agency who will listen to us, so they can work against it as well."

Winston nodded, but Morrison and Song started to protest, but Dr. Zhou raised her voice over them, "Did you not hear me? The biosphere cannot take another Omnic war! Look, I have made projections." She threw a set of charts and graphs up over the centre of the conference table. "Carbon stability is only the start of it. Do you think the megastorms of 30 years ago were bad? I have been preparing a paper with the data collected while I was in cryogenic suspension. Imagine one covering half a hemisphere!"

She flipped another set of graphics up. "Now imagine 62-plus degree weather across North Africa, and 65-plus degrees in South Asia."

Another set. "Now imagine the oceans - barely recovering now - essentially devoid of life. There would be no recovery path."

Another set. "Here are agricultural projections. Ignoring war dead, we can project global crop collapses and multiple pandemics resulting from malnutrition and other knock-on effects. This projection - I would expect two to three billion dead. With extremely aggressive use of genetic modifications on a yearly basis, in a best-case scenario, we might cut it to one billion. The first year."

The room had grown silent as the reams of data had shuffled past. "The paper on which these projections are based is going to Nature next month for peer review, but I am confident of my numbers. Do you understand, now? Another Omnic war kills civilisation. Maybe the entire planet. For anyone biological, this war would be a death sentence."

She turned back to the copper-eyed Overwatch agent. "I'm sorry, Lena - if this is what he is trying to do, then Akande must be stopped. If there is any chance, any chance at all, you must take it."

"I... had no idea it was so bad," Oxton managed, after a few seconds.

"It isn't, now, but... it would be."

Morrison flipped through smaller versions of the images on his padd. Hana Song did the same. "Wow," she said, after a few minutes. "Okay, I guess... we have to."

"I think we do," Winston agreed. "The rest of us can dedicate ourselves to analysis - and to other actions against the more militant anti-Omnic groups. This is too important for a single approach. Governmental intervention is critical, but it will take them weeks or months to respond."

Lena frowned. She'd won, but it didn't feel like winning, not at all, as the weight of the situation fell on to her shoulders. "Then, I guess... we're in. We're doin' this."

"I'm sorry," said her best friend, as Morrison and Song both nodded their reluctant but clear assent. "I'm very much afraid we are."

[parasocialpod]

Buzz Feed, LMFT: Our New Marriage Counselor - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more. You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.  

[Intro music]

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex.

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, the podcast that talks about as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream.

Nick: Hell yeah. Uh, so a couple of quick updates: We're now on Apple podcasts! So if you've liked the show so far, please go over there if you have the ability to, go over there give us a five star rating. If you hated it give us a one star rating, I guess. Let us know what we're doing awful. [laughs]

Alex: If you hated it, then give us a five star rating and tell us what we're doing awful.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Um, it's reverse psychology. It really... [laughs] it-it'll still work out really well.

Nick: Right, um, and just because there was a little bit of confusion when we did post that we were finally on Apple podcasts; We are also on Anchor, Spotify, Breaker, Google Podcasts, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Radio Public, and we'll soon be on Stitcher. I'm still waiting on them to get back to me about having us on there but I've submitted all of the info.  

Alex: And we also have um, transcripts up on Tumblr.

Nick: Oh yeah! That's right! You made a Tumblr, I forgot about that.

Alex: Yeah, so like check out any and all of those things that you would like. Uh... what if we just started doing the thing like, um, like Justin Bieber did promoting "Yummy"?

Nick: [Snorts, then cackles]

Alex: [Laughing] Just like, give us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts! Um, also download a VPN. [Laughs] Get us to the top of the charts. If you live in another country download a VPN and set it to the United States. Put us on repeat while you sleep. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. So, if you could just make a couple of different accounts on Spotify?

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: You know, change your gender every single time, make it make sure that it seems like it's a totally different person and just totally fuck up our analytics. But it's fine.

Alex: Yeah, we appeal to everyone.

Nick: We appeal to everyone. Um... [laughs] [diabolically] Yummy!

Both: [Laughs]

Nick: Um... but, yeah we've been getting really, really good feedback so far. I'm so amazed that anybody is listening to this, and that anybody actually enjoys it.

Alex: Yeah, God, me too.

Nick: And I'm really amazed that people are saying the things that I wanted them to say, too.

Alex: Yeah. Honestly.

Nick: You know? 'Cause what I really wanted this to be was as if we were just kind of hanging out with people, y'know? I really wanted it to be that it was like we were just friends hanging out at somebody's house and just kind of like, talkin', and that's literally the feedback that I've gotten back is just like... "Oh yeah I listened to your podcast! It was so cool! It felt like you guys are just there chattin'," and I'm like, "Oh, yes!"

Alex: I know!

That made me so happy! And also I uh, in my most recent therapy session, I told my therapist about the podcast [laughs] and he really liked the name, and that bought me a lot of-- that was just like, a nice hit of dopamine, you know? [laughs]

Nick: I know, now every time that I hear somebody even say the word parasocial I'm like "That's my word!"

Alex: That's the word!

Nick: [laughs] Um, but yeah,,  episode sounds different-- hopefully it sounds better I put a lot of work into this, but, for the first couple of episodes we were in the closet and--

Alex: [laughs] For the first couple of episodes we were straight.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh it's actually kind of fitting that we came out of the closet for this episode.

Right?

[laughing]

Nick: But yeah we've been sitting in the closet and Alex and I both have issues with heat and it was so hot. So, you may have noticed towards the end of the last couple of episodes where it just kind of started to fall apart, that was because we were starting to die of heat stroke. But now we're out in the living room. Um, hopefully there's not too too much noise. We live on our really busy street and it's a really straight street that people love to go drag racing on.

Alex: Yeah, when we first moved in, we would like make jokes about that and just be like "Ah, people are drag racing again!" And then I downloaded Nextdoor and it turns out that it's like a literal documented like legal issue.-- [laughs]

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: It was people like illegal street racing on our street. Which is hilarious, by the way, because I um I telecommute and I have a job that is traditionally downtown. None of my coworkers downtown have the audio issues that I do, and we live in like the suburbs.

Nick: Right.

Alex: But it's a delight.

Nick: Yeah. I just heard someone go by on the other street and it's just...

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Like, I think we should probably, if somebody goes by, keep in one for this episode just so that you can like... understand.

Alex: So you know what we go through.

Nick: But also since we're out in the living room and not holded up in the closet, we've got all of our pets with us!

Alex: Yes!

Nick: And so, you might hear us yell at one of them or--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh god.

Nick: Or you might hear somebody making some noise. We'll try to keep it out, but, you know. Um, I guess just so that you know who they are, if we say one of their names; we've got-- we've got four. We've got two dogs and two cats. The dogs are Winston and Roxie. Winston is a rough Collie and he's four years old now. Um, and he's the baby. Roxie is 10 and she's a beagle terrier mix--

Alex: And she is a, I dunno, like a 52 year old woman on the inside, perhaps?

Nick: Yeah. She's, she's a cranky old lady.

Alex: Yeah. Like I have a secret theory-- or not a secret theory. I have a theory that she was like body swapped.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: Like she is in like a Disney movie or something and she was like a professional woman, or something. Except you ended up finding her and adopting her, and now she lives in Oregon and she can't get back home to her family, and she just said fuck it. Because she went--

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: She underwent like no character change like she was supposed to. Like her "Freaky Friday" did not work. [laughs]

Nick: That's... very accurate.

Um, and then the cats we've got Rupert who is... 17?

Alex: Damn near. Yeah, he's turning 17 this October.

Nick: Okay. Yeah, he was 13 for like three years. And then I finally pointed out to Alex that he had been 13 for a couple of years, so now I just don't know how old he is.

Alex: Yeah... yeah I had to pretty much look it up because he was named after like a "Survivor" contestant. So I had to like find out how old he was by looking up the "Survivor" contestant and like the season of "Survivor" that that person was on,

Nick: [laughing]

Alex: which was 2003, so. [laughs]

Nick: And then finally, we have Ony, who is also 10? 10 to 12.

Alex: [laughs] She's like um, she's like uh... KO from "O.K. KO"

Nick: [unintelligible]

Alex: [laughing] She's-- She's-- 5 to 11.

Nick: Yeah... she's an enigma. She's sleeping on the table here, and if we try to get her to get off she immediately jumps back up, so she's just here. If you hear snoring, it's her.

Alex: It's fine.

Nick: Well, if you hear snoring it's her or Roxie.

Alex: Or Winston.

Nick: Yeah, but Roxie snores like an old man.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: She could be in a different apartment and you'd still hear [mimics loud snoring]

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh lord.

Nick: So those are our pets! If you hear us talking about them that's who they are. Um, hopefully they don't make too too much noise but also hopefully they do come and visit, because [chuckles]

Alex: Yeah, they're pretty cute!

Nick: I want them to come say hi. Um. But yeah, hopefully this episode sounds good because I really don't want to go back in the closet. [laughs]

Alex: Right. Out and proud, baby!

Nick: Says every queer person ever: [whining] "I don't wanna go back!"

Alex: Yeah, it's way more comfortable in the living room. I get to sit on the couch.

Nick: Right. I get to sit not on the floor. I think the floor was really fucking up my back like extra bad. But anyways, um, into what this episode actually is--

Alex: Yes!

Nick: Um...

Alex: So speaking of being out of the closet: Nick and I are married!

Nick: We are.

Alex: Surprise! [laughs]

Nick: Right. Uh, contrary to popular belief we are not brothers.

Alex: [groans]

Nick: Um, I really debated ever saying that in the podcast because I know in the future it's going to come back and bite me in the ass, but--

Alex: I know. Like please, if we ever become popular by any sort of like-- I am begging you, like this is like not a bit, like jokes leave the room.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughing] Please do not make that a meme.

Nick: Right. Please do not make it a meme that we're brothers. We're not. I hate it so much. [laughs]

Alex: I got contact lenses because people kept thinking we were related. Dude, I love wearing glasses, I hate contacts so much. And I got contact lenses when we lived in Indiana because people kept thinking we were brothers.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: That was like the only thing that stopped it.

Nick: Yeah! I don't know why!

Alex: It was fucked.

Nick: I'm just like... what, two white guys that are both five foot four and a little chubby can't also wear glasses and not be brothers? [laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally, it's like they just abhorred the thought of somebody being gay so much that their brain is just like "Oh God, Um, are you r-related?"

Nick: Yeah to the point that... um, I was with you for a doctor's appointment, and this lady in the elevator with us says nothing to us until she goes: "I've got twins at home!" And when I tell you I was confused--

[softly] Winston...

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Now's not the time. [laughs]

He's literally looking at me like "What do you mean now is not the time to dig at the carpet? What the hell?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um but yeah so this lady looks at us as just like "I've got twins at a home!" And we both looked at her like "Oh that's nice. That's cool?"

Alex: "Good for you?"

Nick: I think that you, I think that you straight up were just like "Oh that-- that's cool. That's cool. Nice."

Alex: "Neat."

Nick: And then she looked at us and she was like "Oh! Are you, are you not twins?!" And we were just like [quietly] "Oh my fucking God."

Alex: [groans]

Nick: "A- brothers?" And we're like "No ma'am."

Alex: No ma'am.

Nick: And as she gets out of the elevator I'm like "We're married."

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: And she turned so red that she almost turned purple. I like, when I think about it I get mad because I'm like who goes up to people and like just fully assumes that they're twins to the point that like you don't even ask if they are?

Alex: Right! That you're just like "I've got twins at home!"

Nick: Right, but then like seeing her turn that dark dark red I'm just like I embarrassed her enough that I can't be mad about it, but also like are you kidding me right now?

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: But I think that now that I've got long hair and you've got short hair and... like,

Alex: We have very different fashion styles.

Nick: And we're-- I think that our fashion styles were starting to kind of become the same around that time, too. But now I'm kind of um edging back into a new goth phase, and you're like edging a lot more into like a kind of colorful more femme-y phase, people are like "Oh yeah no they're gay, I can tell."

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Oh, thank God. Like we're like every Tumblr post from like 2012 or whatever that was like,

Nick: Right!

Alex: I don't know like a like a probably haunted like black painted house next to like a pastel house

Nick: [laughing] Right?

Alex: And it's like get me a relationship like this! Like...

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Anyways! [ laughs]

Alex: Anyway!

Nick: That went off on a tangent and a half.

Alex: So our marriage [laughs]

Nick: So our marriage! Uh we're coming up on our two year anniversary. When this comes out, it'll be the day of or the day after, we're not totally sure.  Um... but, we're coming up on our two year wedding anniversary and our five year dating anniversary. So I think it's about time to find out if we're actually a good couple or not!

Alex: Right, And who better to ask than Buzzfeed and astrology.

Nick: Mhmm!

Alex: [laughs] Okay, just before we get canceled by the astrology crowd I am not knocking astrology, and I love it!

Nick: Oh yeah, absolutely. It's definitely one of those things that I make fun of because I love it so much, you know? Where it's just like that's how I show my love is that I make fun of things.

Alex: Yeah, just ask me.

Nick: Like I... [chuckles] That's just how it is, you know? Uh, I mean, now don't take that-- If I make fun of somebody that's like doing terrible things I'm not making fun of them because I love them I'm making fun of them because they're an asshole.

Alex: Oh yeah!

Nick: Um...

Alex: You can tell the difference.

Nick: You can, absolutely But for the most part I tend to make fun of things that I genuinely do love and I really do love astrology and tarot and all of that stuff I think that it's really neat. And I think that it is... it is something that I have gone to for guidance, being somebody that isn't um, strictly any kind of religious um... and it's definitely helped me get through some stuff. And so I feel like I have a right to make fun of it. [laughs]

Alex: Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely! Same here.

Nick: As someone that has spent hours and hours and hours reading things about it, very seriously. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! Oh yeah, me too. As somebody that has definitely more than once called to you from the other room and been like "Fucking Astro Matrix has got me again! Who is spying on me at Astro Matrix?"

Nick: [whining] "The cards called me out!"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "God, can you believe that-- what this card just fucking said to me?"

Alex: [whining] "Baaaabe, God..."

Nick: Yeah, so our... our first quiz is uh gonna make or break our relationship. It's called "We know if you've cheated in your relationship based on how much you like these nail designs."

Alex: Alright, I am shaking.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause like personally, I know that I haven't. But apparently Buzzfeed knows more about me than I do, so like if I sleep walked or something...

Nick: [laughing] If you sleep cheated?

Alex: [laughing] If I sleep cheated or something, I'm going to find out!

Nick: I mean, let's be real, I'm a lot more likely to have sleep cheated.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's true. You do a lot of shit in your sleep.

Nick: I am so amazed that I haven't woken up outside before.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: Because I will be in bed and wake up in the kitchen. And like... I-I-It's genuinely kind of scary sometimes where I'm just like-- I'll wake up not only in the kitchen, but halfway through a sandwich.

Alex: Yeah, like I can have a whole conversation with you sometimes.

Nick: Yeah! Like I'll walk out of the bedroom and you'll still be awake doing something, and you'll just be like "Hey hon. What's going on?" And I'll say something. And then the next morning you'll be like "Oh yeah like we talked about that thing last night!" I'm like "No we fucking did not!"

Alex: [chuckling] You did not talk to ME about it.

Nick: Right!

Alex: You talked to whatever entity occupies my body after I fall asleep, but...

Nick: Right! I'm just like I know that I have bad memory, but it's not that bad. And we did not speak last night, I passed out at this time and then I was done. You're just like "N-n-no, you woke up at 2:00 AM and started talking jibberish." And I'm like "No I didn't."

Alex: "You started speaking in tongues, and I--"

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Um... but yeah. So I am a lot more likely if-- if sleep cheating's a thing I probably have done it. And I guess Buzzfeed is about to tell me if I've sleep cheated.

Alex: All right, let's find out.

Nick: [chuckles] So, what it says: "Our rules are simple. Use the sliding scale to rate each nail look. Thumbs down emoji means you really dislike the design, shrugging emoji means you neither hate it or love it, and 2 fire emojis mean that you absolutely love it."

Alex: All right!

Nick: Um... so the very, very first one is short, square nails that are painted like an off white?

Alex: Yeah, kind of like a matte.

Nick: Yeah, like a matte off white. I like them.

Alex: I'm... kind of into them, I-- Hmm, I don't know. I wouldn't really use them for myself so I'm going to put like a little bit-- I don't know I'm going to say maybe like 45%.

Nick: [chuckles] Okay. Nails... Nail set number 2! Is another short kind of boxy cut and they've got what is it like Chevron? Chevron, yeah?

Alex: Yeah, I'd say that that's like Chevron.

Nick: Okay, cool. So yeah, so it's like a Chevron pattern and there's a turquoise triangle and then like a purple-y one and then a pink one. And then the index and pinky fingers are both gold with sparkles on top of the turquoise triangle. [quietly] I don't like it.

Alex: I really like these.

Nick: [snorts] I can tell that a lot of work went into them, so I appreciate them, but I don't like them.

Alex: Yeah this was absolutely a look that I would very much wear. I'm going to say like full like 90%, I like them a lot.

Nick: Yeah I'm at like 40%, I think. 'Cause I appreciate the hard work that went into it. Like it's very well done,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But I just don't like the colors.

Alex: That is totally fair.

Alright, number three: We've got kind of like lengthier nails with kind of like an oval tip, perhaps?  Um that's kinda like a French manicure, maybe?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Um... where the bottom is kind of like a natural, like the nail, nail is kinda like a natural kind of pinky color. And then the like manicure tip is um kind of like an oceanic sort of vibe um kind of like almost a shell pattern? It's pictured next to some shells and it's like blue and purple.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I don't really like these very much.

Nick: Yeah, this is another one where I'm like I can tell that a lot of work went into this but I just don't like it. But I like it better than the last ones.

Alex: That's so funny. Yeah I am going to go for like 20% because I feel like a lot of work went into them but I--I don't know.

Nick: I just do not vibe.

Alex: I just do not vibe with these very much. This does not pass the vibe check.

Nick: Yeah, I'm like a little bit over halfway with it. I'm just like, I... I can see why somebody would like them, but I don't.

Alex: That's fair!

Nick: Uh, the next one is that Stiletto? Stiletto nail? Th--The sharp-y one?

Alex: Yeah I'd say--

Nick: The sharp-y one. [chuckles] Um and it's that same kind of French tip thing where there's a natural on the nail, and then... the-- it's honestly a lot like the last one,

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: But it's a little bit more of a turquoise blue and it's a stiletto nail.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know what's so different about this one that it's like doing it for me?

Nick: Right, I like this one a lot more.

Alex: I'm gonna go like 75%, I liked this guy.

Nick: Yeah, I'm about the same.

Alex: [quietly] Ooh, I like these motherfuckers!

Nick: Oh, the next ones?

Alex: Yeah It's kinda like a um, sorta like a grass pattern. It's like a kind of like a matte white base with various colors of green stripes painted over them, sort of like a grass texture.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: I really like these shits. I'm going to go like fully 90%. I would rock these.

Nick: Yeah, they're... it--It's really frustrating because up close I really, really like it, but I can definitely see it being a little bit further away and looking God awful.

Alex: Oh that's a good point

Nick: So I'm at like 75%.

Alex: That's a good point. Yeah, I'm going to knock it down too. 'Cause I feel like now that I think about holding them like, at arm's length I'm like Oh that might look not... fabulous.

Nick: Right... [chuckles] hashtag not fab!

Alex: Hashtag not fab.

Nick: What if we just... What if we started just a nail podcast--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: where we just described nails and we just either "These are hashtag fab" or "These are hashtag not fab"

Alex: [laughs] A nail podcast except we never actually learn any of the like technical terms. And it's like exactly this level of skill.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: It's just like "I don't know It's like a nail, and it's kind of square on the end."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: "Uh..."

Nick: Just "Ah, this--these ones are like they're like long but they're not too long... um, and they're like.... [sighs] you know?"

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: "I'm going to say that they're hashtag not fab. Next!" [laughs]

Alex: "Next!"

That's so funny.

Nick: Uh, so the real next one is a squared off long nail and it's orange and it has black and white speckles towards the base of the nail except for the pinky nail where it goes all the way up. I feel like they'd be cool for Halloween?

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: But nothing else.

Alex: Yeah... 'cause I feel like I like it for this specific shot. But then I think about having them and it gives me a little panic attack thinking about doing anything practical.

Nick: Yeah, they're just beyond that length of practicality.

Alex: Yeah. Where it's like I'm not one of those people that's like I would never wear anything that's like impractical but it's like they're not cute enough for me to [chuckles] to commit to that. So I'm going to go like full middle, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I'm a little bit below the middle.

Alex: This next look is just straight up gold nails, and I do this look a lot. So I'm going to go like full a hundred percent 'cause that'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm at like 90 I, I think that they're really classic but they're also very shiny.

Alex: They're very shiny.

Nick: I feel like... so the way that this picture is taken is the person is holding gold tinsel, and it's just a lot of gold like that. So I feel like seeing it with the outfit that the person was wearing might make it-- might make me feel a little better? It also just the way that that it's painted looks like these nails got photo-shopped on--

Alex: Yeah it kinda does!

Nick: Which also makes me feel like... or like they did um face tuning to their nails 'cause there's no wrinkles.

Alex: [laughing] Oh God. Yeah, you've got a good-- ugh.

Nick: [quickly] Moving on! Uh,

Alex: [disgusted] Oh, mm... mm-mm.

Nick: Okay These next ones are elaborate

Alex: These are fucking rad! And 100%. I love it. You don't have I mentioned the thing where I'm just like I won't ever necessarily be like "Oh yeah these are impractical, so I wouldn't do it. And it has to be like cool as hell for me to commit to that." This is-- this is that. 'Cause it's like um it's kind of almost like frosted glass cause it's not quite matte and not quite glossy but it's sort of like...

Nick: The base is white, and there's like a yellow half circle at the base of the fingernail, And then it's got that-- It's a short stiletto cut.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Um, and th-the tip of it is blue it's another, it's another turquoise one. And then there's a bunch of rhinestones in the middle with a bunch of little decorations on them.

Alex: Kind of like a clockwork-y sort of design kind of like a clockwork sort of gemstone...

Nick: Yeah!

Alex: Sorta look.

Nick: And this one's clearly like very intricate, and I very much appreciate it.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm also going with like 100%. This is awesome.

Alex: Dope.

Nick: I'm really mad at how serious we're being about this. Just like "Oh no no no listen."

Alex: I know! Like I kind of forgot about like what the quiz was about...

Nick: [laughing] I know!

Alex: Now I'm just like in it I'm like "Oh fuck yeah"

Nick: Just "Mm yeah, these nails are not fab."

Alex: These nails? Not fab.  

Nick: THESE nails? Hashtag fab.

Alex: Hashtag fab!

Nick: [chuckles] Um, the next ones... they have a lot going on.  

I don't like them.

Alex: I would like them if the... okay. So, it's kind of like a... the base, base of most of the nails are kind of like a baby pink. Um, and there's like a gold accent across the pinky middle and index finger with like the kind of is like a gold ring almost.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um and like a light like kind of almost muddy baby blue on the tip of the index and pinky finger. The middle finger is the same baby pink, and then the um ring and thumb are just sort of like a cacophony.

Nick: Yeah! They kind of look like--

Alex: It's like a grandma's couch.

Nick: Yeah! Like a really old like not Rattan couch, but like... woven couch?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Nick: It looks like an old grandma couch on the thumb and the ring finger. Almost every single finger has a different pattern slash color on it, and it's just-- it's a lot.

Alex: Yeah... like I feel like there's something that's just like oddly stressful to me about this. And it's like, if every finger had a different texture, I would like it. If every finger like had the same texture, I would like it. But since it's so different in every aspect like even in the aspect of them all not being different like I'm like "Oh, I hate this. I hate this so much."

Nick: But it's frustrating because I can tell a lot of work went into it, but I hate it. So it just doesn't matter, because I hate it.

Alex: Yeah, same.

Nick: Um, the next one is short square cut nails um with a white background and painted on top on the middle finger is a little flamingo, and on the ring and pointer finger are some leaves and then the thumb and pinky are just plain white.

Alex: These are cute!

Nick: Yeah! I really like these. Like, it's another one where like from further away I can see them getting really muddied and kind of awkward looking. But these are nails that are very, very clearly not meant to be looked at from far away, because they're so detailed and so um, tiny.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: So, I still love them. This is so cool.

Alex: Yeah! I'm going with like an 85% 'cause like I definitely agree... No I'm going with like 90%.

Nick: Yeah I went with like 90, too.

Alex: Cause I feel like unlike the other ones um, which I feel like would kind of get muddy from a distance, these ones if you were like at a distance you could see that they were like something.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Whereas the other ones I might be like " Oh did you draw on yourself a little bit?"

Nick: [chuckles] "Oh what happened there, buddy?"

Alex: Yeah... Aww, these are kind of cute!

Nick: Oh, I think these  are really cute!

Alex: These are pretty cute, yeah.

Nick: Uh, so it's a clear base and each nail has a different part of a pink flower on it, with a little bit of green leaves. And it looks like the middle and ring fingers have the same picture but like cut in half, and then the other fingers have little buds of the flower on them...

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And if this was hand painted then like I'm going to lose my mind, that's so cool. So I'm going to pretend that it's hand painted, because I don't want to break my own heart.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: So I'm giving it like 100%. It's two full flames.

Alex: I don't know, I just don't really like the clear bases very much.

Nick: That's, that's very fair. I understand that.

Alex: Oh yeah, I don't like this next one.

Nick: Which is so funny, because I kind of do.

Alex: I wonder which one of us cheated. [laughs]

Nick: Right! So the next one is um a pretty matte c-- almost clear base. It's one of those where it's not quite clear but it's meant to look clear. Um... and they're short nails and they have black french tips, and then on the middle and pinky finger-- this is the part that I don't like, at the very base there's like a half circle filled in with black. And that kind of just like it's like you got a bruised finger.

Alex: Yeah, that looks like you have an infection.  

Nick: I think that without those, I would like it a lot more.

Alex: Me too.

Nick: But because it has those

I'm going a little bit below the middle.

Alex: I'm like full thumbs down I hate that.

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: It makes me so uncomfortable.

Nick: That is understandable. The next one is sparkly silver. They're kind of they're, they're not super long but they're just little bit long.

Alex: These are very party city to me.

Nick: They are very party city. And this is another one where it looks like they photo-shopped her fingers to not have any wrinkles on them. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah! What is with the sparkle nails?

Nick: That, that one gets a thumbs down, I don't like that one.

Alex: Yeah, this gets a thumbs down from me.

Nick: That one makes me uncomfortable.

Alex: Yeah, and I don't-- Okay. Again, I don't have anything wrong with like cheap shit I got my gold nail polish for like $2, I think. But I just do not like this like aesthetic very much.

Nick: No...

Alex: I kinda like these next ones, kind of into them. Because it's sort of like a traditional set of like red nails where the... index finger and pinky finger are um, kind of inverse colored from one another. one of them is black background white polka dots, one of them is white background black polka dots.

Nick: Yeah, I really like this one because it's cohesive.

Alex: Yeah I like this a lot.

Nick: The other ones where there were different designs on different nails, weren't super cohesive. But I feel like having most of the nails be that, that classic cherry red and then having a couple of um... stand out nails that are black and white I--I think that that looks really nice so that one's getting like a hundred percent from me, I love it.

Alex: Yeah, me too. These next ones I'm... into, but I feel like these are the nails that are gonna mean I cheated.

Nick: [ snorts]

Alex: I don't know why, I just am getting that vibe.

Nick: [laughs] Yeah, well, the thing is I don't like these nails.

Alex: Oh!

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, so, they're square cut just a little bit longer than the fingertips and they're pink?

Alex: They're like super pink.  

Nick: And then they've got black tips.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: And then--

Alex: Kind of like a gold cuticle.

Nick: Yeah, like a gold cuticle. I don't like the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: That's the part that just loses me, is when it's just that like little half circle just above the cuticle.

Alex: That's fair. Yeah, like it loses a few points for me for that...

Nick: And so I'm at like 20% it's almost a thumbs down, but not quite.

Alex: That's fair I feel like if it were brighter I would like it more, but just like... it's just another thing where it looks a little infected. Uh so I'm gonna give it like 60%.

Um and then our very last one!

Nick: Oh yeah.

Alex: Home stretch! We've got a pink index nail, a purple pinky nail, and a marbled pink purple white and black and kind of like gray Uh middle finger and ring finger. I really like this, I think that's cute.

Nick: I'm pretty-- I'm straight up in the middle about it. I think it's fine. I don't hate it I don't love it, it just is.

Alex: That is fair. These kind of give me a lot of like 2012 vibes.

Nick: Yeah, I think that that's kind of why I'm like "Eh, it's fine" is 'cause it definitely gives me like almost 10 year old fashion vibes

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Um... and I'm just like eh it's not really for today, but I've definitely seen people with those nails.

Alex: Yeah. These nails are like a C plus for me, y'know.

Nick: Yeah. Are we ready to find out who cheated?

Alex: Alright. Okay.

Nick: Three,

Alex: Two,

Both: One.

Alex: [ laughs]

Nick: What'd you get?

Alex: " You've absolutely cheated before."

Nick: [Cackles] You motherfucker!

Alex: " Wow! The truth has come out [chuckles]. Based on your nail choices, we can say with absolute certainty that you have been dipping your toe outside the relationship."

Nick: [Snorts, then laughs]

Alex: [Holding back laughter] "We won't even ask for the juicy details, but just know that we know. Now-- [laughs] now, you might as well share this with your significant other to find out if they're guilty as well. Don't worry. We're right here for you."  So, how about you?

Nick: I... am so fucking mad at you. How could you do this to me?

Alex: [Laughing] Oh no.

Nick: How could you do this to us? [Sighs dramatically] I... have not cheated.

Alex: [ Laughs]

Nick: Ph...physically. [Mumbles] I haven't physically cheated.

Alex: [ Snort-laughs]

Nick: But they say that I've probably cheated emotionally.

Alex: That's so specific! [Laughing]

Nick: Yeah, that's literally what it says. "You haven't physically cheated, but you've probably cheated emotionally. Alright, so you've never done super sneaky things in a relationship. But you're definitely far from being wholesome."

Alex: What?! [Wheezing]

Nick: "In fact-- [chuckles] In fact, to some people you've committed the ultimate crime, worse than physical cheating: emotional cheating. But maybe you're a changed person now, and you're acting right. Or maybe not *squints eyes*. I don't even know what to say, but now I know your secret."

Alex: Oh my God!

Nick: So I guess we've both at least a little bit cheated.

Alex: Apparently. So we're on even...ish?

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: Ground.

Nick: We're on even-ish ground, but we probably shouldn't be together.

Both: [ Laughing]

 Nick: Um, well... I guess since uh, since we're leaving each other, it's time to do the Buzzfeed quiz of "Tell Me How You Like to Brunch, and I'll Tell You the Type of Romantic Partner You Need" since we're going to be moving on from eachother now.

Alex: No, we're not moving on!

Nick: Oh, okay. Well--

Alex: We'll just-- this is how we know what, uh, we need to be like, so that we won't need to cheat on each other anymore.

Nick: Oh okay. This is who we need to become.

Alex: This is who we need to become [chuckles].

Nick: So that we can stay together?

Alex: So that we can stay together. Cause like, we're quarantining together. So like, we can't go anywhere.

Nick: I have a car.

Alex: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.

Nick: I don't have a job, but I have a car.

Alex: Yeah, that's a good point.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: So the first one: "Let's start easy. When are you going to brunch? Saturday, Sunday, both days, or during the week?"

Alex: During the week, are you kidding me?

Nick: Uh yeah same, I don't go anywhere on the weekend.

Alex: Fuck the weekend, dude.

Nick: I hate weekends. I hate how many people are out. Even before... everything went down with pandemic shit.

Alex: Oh, yeah.

Nick: I hated the weekends.

Alex: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And like... obvious, but like, this is outside of COVID times. We would not go to brunch at all during...

Nick: No.

Alex: Cause, if this was during COVID times, and this is brunch at home which is any time I feel like it.

Nick: Right. I think we're literally planning on having brunch for dinner tonight, so.

Alex: Literally.

Nick: It's all good.

Alex: Vegan French toast. Vegan challah French toast. Homemade challah. What's up.

Nick: That's right. I'm so excited.

Alex: I know, me too.

Nick: Okay, we need to get this done.

Alex: Yes.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh... "What time are you going to brunch? As soon as the restaurant opens, around 11:00 AM, around 1:00 PM, or around 3:00, that's still brunch, right?"

Alex: Um... I feel like we're either the type of people that we're like-- or I guess like we were doing this like, independently.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Yeah, I feel like I prefer like, as soon as the restaurant opens, again because people.

Nick: Right. I... I don't like waking up that early. So, I'm going to say 1:00, cause I feel like that's usually when people start to kinda stop being there, like it's right before lunch rush.

Alex: That is a good point.

Nick: So I'm going to go with that. "Are you getting anything to drink?"

Alex: Mmm.

Nick: "Mimosas, maybe an alcoholic drink, coffee, tea, et cetera, or 'I'll stick with water?'"

Alex: Coffee, tea, et cetera.

Nick: Uh, I'm going to stick with water. Water is great. That's how you can tell that you're a real adult, is when you choose water.

Alex: Water is great, but also, if they have like, a fancy coffee?

Nick: Oh yeah, I guess if they have a fancy coffee.

Alex: Yeah. If they have like a fancy coffee or like complimentary coffee.

Nick: Mmmmm.

Alex: Either end of the coffee scale.

Nick: Yeah, okay, I'm going to go with coffee, you got me.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Uh, "What are you ordering from the menu? Something very breakfast related like eggs, toast, granola, et cetera, something more hearty like steak, ham, et cetera, uh, something light like a salad, or honestly a combination of things".

Alex: Ah... I'm going to go very breakfast related, I think.

Nick: Yeah, I feel like every time that I have quote unquote brunch it's really just late breakfast.

Alex: Oh yeah, same.

Nick: And so it really confuses me when people do, uh, literally anything else. I'm like, it's breakfast!

Alex: Right?

Nick: Bitch!

Alex: I'm just like, why would you go to brunch and order lunch?

Nick: Right? Just go to lunch.

Alex: Right? Like, just go to lunch!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: If you go to brunch and get a salad, I'm sorry, we cannot-- I guess we can be friends, like, eh, dietary habits are whatever, but just know that you are weak.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Uh, "Pick a food that speaks to your soul." Uh, there's a picture of... eggs on toast and... potatoes?

Alex: It looks like some mozzarella and like uh... some like fresh mozzarella... and like a...

Nick: I dunno, it's not that important.

Alex: Eh, it's some potatoes.

Nick: Um, and then there's an omelet, and then there's pancakes, and then there's one for the alcoholics: "none of these, bring me more drinks".

Alex: These pancakes...

Nick: Yeah, those pancakes look really good. And also... I'm vegan. [chuckles]

Alex: [ Snorts] Uh, yeah. I'm vegan...??

Nick: So the eggs... I don't-- well, I guess that there are vegan eggs.

Alex: Yeah. Like, you could imagine that they're vegan. Or like whatever the vegan equivalent might be.

Nick: Mmmm.

Alex: Like a tofu scramble, or something. Or not a tofu scramble, but like, you know.

Nick: Yeah. In that case, I'm going to go with the first one that's got potatoes and stuff, actually. I don't like having that much sugar.

Alex: Yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Um... "How sacred is brunch to you?" Uh, I don't care about any of these answers. That-- I don't give a shit. It's fine.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Brunch is cool. That's the answer that I...

Alex: Brunch is a great experience.

Nick: Brunch is cool. And that was the last one. And so I got: "you need someone who likes to laugh".

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: So I guess that is you.

Alex: We made it!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: I got... "someone who communicates".

Nick: Mm. Alright, I do my best.

Alex: Yeah. You communicate!

Nick: [Chuckles]

Alex: Hell yeah. Alright!

Nick: And so I guess we're back on being like, alright, we're fine.

Alex: We're fine.

Nick: We've forgiven the cheating.

Alex: We've forgiven.

Nick: Because this other quiz says that we're right for each other.

Alex: Yeah. Exactly. And now it's going to guess our relationship status based on how we can complete words.

Both: [Snort-laughing]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-L-L"

Alex: "Fall, ball, or call?" Ball! All day.

Nick: I'm saying fall. Um...

Alex: [Chucking]

Nick: Complete this word: "space A-N". I'm saying ba--... oh, they don't have "ban". Uh. Damn.

Alex: [Laughing] Your block-happy ass.

Nick: Yeah, my block happy ass.

Alex: Ban! Ahh.

Nick: I-- I keep seeing people on Twitter, like people that-- I'll go to block somebody, uh, that's just being a dick on Twitter not even to me but to somebody else, and I'm just like... "I don't want this person to interact with me in the future". And I'll go to their profile to block them, and in their bio there will be something that says "blocking's for pussies." And I'm like, all right, well... I guess I am!

Alex: Right! Exactly!

Nick: Bye! I'm just like I would so much rather not have to ever deal with you than, like. I'm just like... do you really think that it affects me, that you of all people are calling me a pussy?

Alex: Exactly!

Nick: [Laughs] Cause guess what? Now I don't have to hear you anymore. [Snorts]

Alex: For real! Like, now I don't have to hear what you have to say. That's cool. [Laughs] Now I don't have to hear what you have to say, and I know that Megan thee Stallion loves me. So.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Right.

Alex: Um... B-A: Bag, Bad, or Bat?

Both: Bat.

Alex: L space G:

Both: Leg.

Alex: [Chuckles] --Lag, or Log. Leg.

Nick: Space E-A-D.

Alex: Dead!

Nick: Dead!

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Space E-L-L.

Both: Hell.

Alex: Fight!

Nick: Fight! [Chuckles] This one--

Alex: Space "ight".

Nick: That one was space I-G-H-T. Fight!

Alex: [Laughs] Space O-G.

Nick: Dog.

Alex: Hog.

Nick: Oh I accidentally clicked on fog! No! Fuck! [Clicking noises] Alright. Well.

Alex: [Laughing] What did you get?

Nick: Not even interested in dating right now.

Alex: Same. Which I guess is technically true? [Laughing]

Nick: I... yeah. I'm not interested in dating. [Chuckles]

Alex: I'm not interested in dating. I am married.

Nick: Right? [laughs]

Alex: I am not dating! [laughs]

Nick: Like, those things aren't mutually exclusive, but I'm not interested in dating right now.

Alex: Right!

Nick: You think I want to go be, uh, within 20 feet of another human? Fuck no!

Alex: Right. Like, I'm good with being within 20 feet of you and that's all.

Nick: Yeah. But no closer.

Alex: Everyone else, do not interact in person.

Nick: [Chucking] Yeah.

Alex: You may interact otherwise, please, God.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Alright. And then the last Buzzfeed quiz that we've got is: "Which Zodiac Sign Are You Most Compatible With?"

Alex: Alright!

Nick: Um.

Alex: So, we're hoping for different answers on this one.

Nick: Yeah. We're hoping for different answers on this one. I am a Leo, but I'm technically on the Leo-Virgo cusp, so.

Alex: And you are very... if you look up Leo-Virgo cusp traits, it's all Nick.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I know you're Leo-Virgo cusp sun, and then for whatever reason I remember your rising sign but not your moon sign.

Nick: [Snort-laughs]

Alex: So that's fucking weird. I think you're Libra rising, and then Scorpio... right. Er-- Scorpio rising. Libra moon. That's right.

Nick: I... I'm proud of you, because I don't know that shit.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Um. So the first  question: "Which trait do you find the least tolerable: jealousy, impatience, pessimism, laziness, sensitivity, or secrecy?"

Alex: The least tolerable...

Nick: Uh, for me it's secrecy. I hate secrets, I hate not being in the loop. It gives me so much anxiety.

Alex: That is fair! Um I would say like... ugh. That's hard. This is hard! Uh... jealousy? Maybe? Sure.

Nick: That's fair.

Alex: Yeah. "How do you deal-- er, how do you react when conflict arises: try to play peacemaker, become upset and anxious, choose a side and jump to their defense, play both sides, join the conflict, or remain neutral?"

Nick: Um... For me it depends on the conflict? But typically I do, I will become upset and anxious, I'm not going to lie.

Alex: [Chuckles] Literally, me too.

Nick: Yeah. Which is why we just... we don't get into conflicts, because it's just, it's not worth it. Cause we both just kind of "uh I don't know!"

Alex: Right? Like, that's why we communicate.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Both because it's healthy, and also because [chuckles] I hate conflict so much. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Absolutely.

Alex: "What was your favorite school subject: Math, English, Art, P.E., History, or Science?"

Nick: Man, I don't remember. That was a long time ago. I know it wasn't P.E.--

Alex: [Chuckles] Right? Fuck.

Nick: --and I know it wasn't History. But all of the rest of them were about the same.

Alex: Um... I feel like I always started off really strong in English but then they'd get really disappointed in me for not turning shit in, cause they expect you to turn shit in, so probably Art.

Nick: Yeah, that's super fair.

Alex: Cause all of the rest of them kind of never started off very strong, necessarily? Except maybe History so I'll say Art. I usually did well in Art.

Nick: I'm gonna say Math because I-- until the higher levels that I started doing in like, junior and senior year of high school, I didn't have to try.

Alex: That's fair.

Nick: So, that was probably my favorite thing, cause I didn't even have to...

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Um... "How do you show affection: physical contact, grand gestures, playful mocking--"

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: "--meaningful words, unspoken loyalty, or 'I hate showing affection'?" Mine is... I'm between playful mocking and unspoken loyalty.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Cause I've definitely been described as loyal, but also... I started this episode saying that when I love things I make fun of them.

Alex: Yeah, like, actively. [Laughs]

Nick: Yeah. I'm gonna go with playful mocking.

Alex: Yeah. I would say... man, I really wish that this was more of like a languages of love thing.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Cause grand gestures isn't the exact thing, but I feel like I like doing the uh... fuck. What's it called? It's like--

Both: Acts of service?

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: But I guess outside of that... like... I guess that would be like, the loyalty thing maybe? Or maybe... I guess, meaningful words is probably the next highest one that I would find on this list.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Cause I talk a lot. [Snorts] Talk a lot of shit.

Nick: [Laughs] "Which of these is most important in your day to day life: being organized, being creative, being liked, being right, being the center of attention, or being independent?" Hmm. For me, I would probably say being creative. I feel like that's the most important thing for me to be able to do.

Alex: Yeah Cause I'm in between creative and independent. I would say probably like, creative.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: "What is your favorite genre of film: comedy, horror, romance, musical, documentary, or thriller?"

Nick: Uh, mine's a comedy a hundred percent.

Alex: Oh yeah, that's fair.

Nick: Like, I also feel like I really love it when comedy bleeds into other ones?

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: Like, that's my favorite is like, comedy hybrids.

Alex: Oh yeah, same. Yeah, I think I'm going to go with comedy, because I feel like every other kind of genre of movie that I like has to have some element of comedy for me to like it? Because I feel like-- quick side tangent-- Um, I feel like that is the best way for me to end up actually like, having some sort of stake in your characters. 'Cause I'm the type of person that I really like like, art house shit too. And, you know, I really like horror and thrillers and everything. But I'm not going to care about your characters If I haven't laughed with them at all!

Nick: Right.

Alex: Like, that's why I really like like, dark comedies and stuff and like, art house comedies I guess, is just because it's just like, you know, you get like all the emotion and the shit behind it but also like.... the reason that you feel those things isn't just because you've seen this person go through tragedies for like two hours. It's because you care about them and you think that they're fun. [Chuckles]

Nick: Right. Because you've gotten that kind of laughter bonding with them, where it's just like you can watch somebody go through literal just hell for a couple of hours but... and feel bad for them. But you don't feel that same level of bad as you do if you were able to, y'know, laugh at some jokes that they made as well and really bond with them.

Alex: Oh yeah! Hello, BoJack Horseman.

Nick: Right.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Uh, what would you rather be doing on a Saturday? Partying, museum tour, hiking, catching up on sleep, shopping, or Netflix marathon? I'm most likely to be catching up on sleep... but I would rather have a Netflix marathon, I think. I'd rather watch some TV.

Alex: I know I'm such a fucking Oregon ass adult I hate this shit so much. 'Cause I saw that-- Well I guess we're talking about a Saturday.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Oh yeah, 'cause before I thought too hard about Saturday I was going to say museum tour or hiking. Um, I'm still gonna say hiking 'cause you can go somewhere remote to hike. But outside of that, I feel like my second thing would probably be like Netflix marathon. If it were-- if we're talking like a Wednesday though, it's definitely a museum tour. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, absolutely.

Alex: Fuckin' love museums, dude.

Nick: Also I just for a second I got a big ad... oh it just came back! [laughs] It knew that I was thinking about it! But it's this big ad that takes up like a third of the screen and it's Mr. Beast,

Alex: Ah?

Nick: But it's a really really awful picture of Mr Beast, um that's like just like it's clearly just cut out of one of his videos, where they like went around in photoshop and cut out a screenshot of him. He's like halfway through speaking.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: And so his mouth is making a weird shape because he's saying a word and it's for Honey. And it was just like "Need a coupon? Mr. Beast fans save more!" And I'm like...

Alex: [quietly laughs]

Nick: Oh my God, are we really at a point where like... YouTubers are the face of things like that? And we're just using like a shitty JPEG?

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Just like "Hey you know Mr. Beast, right?" "Yeah." "He, he endorses us. Did you know that? Did you, did you know that... that is just is Mr. Beast enough for you to-- for you to finally download Honey?" Even though I have Honey downloaded right now.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: I'm like if they had a better picture of him, it wouldn't have like shocked me so much. But it's clearly like just a screen grab from one of his videos, and I'm like...

Alex: [laughing] It's like 140p, just like...

Nick: Yeah! I'm like did you ask him, if you could? 'Cause I feel like he could send you a better picture, guys.

Alex: We stole Mr. Beast's face, and--

Nick: Right! I'm like, does he know that you're doing this? [laughs]

Anyways...

Alex: Oh boy.

Nick: Uh... what could you spend hours talking about?

Alex: All.

Nick: The answers are TV and movies, conspiracy theories, real life gossip, my feelings, politics, and the meaning of life. Um, I'm going to go ahead and out myself and just say real life gossip. I--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: I hate that I do it, but... it's just so easy to just talk shit, for so long. Even though I know that a lot of the people that I talk shit about, I'm not that much better than.

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: [extremely close to the mic] However,

Alex: Listen...

Nick: it's so much fun. And like, I know that I need to stop. And one day I might, but for right now...

Alex: [chuckles] Let me live this moment.

Nick: Just being honest, I could spend hours gossiping about anything. [laughs]

Alex: That is absolutely fair. I feel like I am showing so much of my ADHD ass...

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: 'Cause I'm just like we would have a conversation that involves all six of these things that lasts two minutes. [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: I guess out of these things the thing that I would probably easily spend the most time talking about, without getting burnt out too fast, would be... Also potentially gossip.

Nick: [snort laughs]

Alex: Because I started to say politics, but I feel like politics I burn out real fast, and then I have to switch to something else. But then I go back to it.

Nick: Yeah, especially today's politics that are just so like "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about people."

Alex: Right!

Nick: Like that's all politics is right now. I'm not going to get into this on the podcast right now, but like I don't know how to explain to people that they just should care about other people. And that's all politics is right now It's just like I don't-- How do you not understand that you should care about other people? And you can only say that so many times before it's like you just feel like you've drilled a hole in your head. Just like... I just, that's all I can say. [frustrated laughter] You know?

Alex: Yeah... like it's one of those things where, as a quick side tangent; In my most recent therapy session, it was so funny because I was talking about like-- I had surgery recently, I'm good! Um, but I have like a weight restriction for like lifting things. And I was talking about how I'm like away from work right now because of that. And about how it's also been really nice, because I haven't been talking about as much like heavy shit because my job involves talking about a lot of heavy shit, and some of that is like politics and like current events related. Um, just because a lot of it is like staying in-the-know for work. Uh, and it was so funny because my therapist noted something about like having a weight restriction like where it's like I can't lift things that are more than 10 pounds and also [starts laughing] I can't talk about shit--

Both: That's too heavy.

Nick: That's really funny.

Alex: What is more like-- or what is likely to make you angry or upset? Uh... Not being in control, being teased, being late to an appointment, a sad movie, being physically injured, trying something and not succeeding?

Nick: The unfortunate thing about me, is that a lot of these would-- are likely to make me angry or upset.

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: Um, not being in control, being late to an appointment, and trying something and not succeeding are like definitely the top three for me. Just because it's--it... it's things that-- Being late to an appointment and not being in control tie in to each other because anytime that I am late it's not my fault. And therefore, I'm not in control of the thing. So I'm going to say not being in control, because also trying something and not succeeding feels like it's out of my control, even though it totally is.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: You know? Like it's one of those things where it's like you just need to keep trying, you will learn. And that's something that I've been really really proud of myself with this podcast is that... you know, I know that not all of the episodes are good, and I-- but I just keep doing it, and I'm like "Oh, well that was a learning experience" And I'm like yes, finally! Like I just had this breakthrough with the podcast.

Alex: Right! It's been-- it has been really nice to see.

Nick: Yeah... What about you? [chuckles]

Alex: It's so funny because like looking at this, um... a lot of these things wouldn't necessarily like "get to me" get to me. Uh, that isn't to say that things don't get to me because things get to me. But I feel like not being in control overarchingly really does. Um, because I feel like a lot of things with like trying and not succeeding and  being late to stuff I... kind of-- I blame restaurant work for this. I don't know what broke in me-- [laughs]

for the better, maybe, um... for this to happen. But I like developed this habit when like shit would go off of the rails where I'd like drop something or like something would happen and I'd just kinda go [clicks tongue] "Well." [laughs]

Like to the point that I've had-- I remember dropping like a full tray of water glasses at one point and just going "Oh, well..."

Nick: [laughs]

Alex: And like a customer that was nearby was like concerned--

Both: [laughing]

Alex: like for my like a mental health. And I think about that sometimes, like I forget exactly what she said but she was just like "Oh..." [laughs]

Nick: "Oh honey, are you okay?"

Alex: Like I think that she thought it was like one of those quiet snapping moments, but like gunuinely it was just like "All right. Well, that happened." [laughs] Um, but I think like not being in control really gets me, like especially longterm.

Nick: Right.

Alex: That stresses me out... Um, being teased used to really get me because I did not grow up with siblings. But then I feel like over the course of like us being together it's-- I've gotten a lot better at reading when it's like people being mean to me versus like...

Nick: Yeah...

Alex: You know, reading it as like "Oh this person likes you and is friends with you. And that's why--" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better about that over the last couple of years.

Alex: Mhmm.

Nick: Probably because I relentlessly mock you. [laughs]

Alex: [laughing] Yeah!

Nick: Uh, what do you value most: Laughter, challenge, faith, stability, success, or trust? Laughter.

Alex: Mhmm. Big same.

Nick: If I can't laugh, I just-- I don't care. [snort laughs]

Alex: I agree!

Nick: Finally, what is your Zodiac sign?

Alex: Saggitarius.

Nick: And I am a Leo.

Alex: What'd you get?

Nick: I got Virgo, which is not Sagittarius.

Alex: Damn. That is nowhere in my like chart.

Nick: No.

Alex: 'Cause I got Libra, but that's your moon sign so I'm counting it.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh but so what it says about a Virgo being my ideal is: "They're reliable, organized, and a little bit anxious. They're great listeners and provide excellent advice. And even though they often seem cold on the outside, they can be a lot of fun. They're deep thinkers and together you'll engage in interesting conversations and provide each other stability and calmness." Which still feels...

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: A lot like you?

Alex: [laughing] I know!

Nick: There's definitely like... I don't-- you're not organized, and you're pretty reliable and you don't really seem that cold on that outside... That's a lot more me  which is funny because I'm on the Virgo cusp.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Um ... But it still is like, you're a deep thinker, and we do engage in interesting conversations, which is why we have a podcast. Um, and you're a great listener and you do provide excellent advice. And so it's like a lot of that stuff is you, but it says we shouldn't be together, so...

Alex: [laughs] We're like 25% for... 'cause like for you... or for me I guess, it says uh "Libras are artistic, graceful, hopeless romantics. They'll probably want to sit around and gossip and explore their creative side. They're great listeners, really fun, provide balance and insight for any lost souls." Which honestly is a lot of things that I really like about our relationship too. So I'm just like...

Nick: Well, Buzzfeed says that I need to leave you because you've cheated on me--

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: and you're not a Virgo.

Alex: My worst crime, arguably.

Nick: Your worst crime is not being a fucking Virgo. And... uh, I don't remember what the brunch one said.  

Alex: Brunch said we were fine.

Nick: Brunch said that we were fine, but you did cheat on me and-- [snort laughs]

Alex: And I'm not a Virgo.

Nick: And you're not a Virgo, so... I guess I kinda need to leave... or you need to like step your shit up. Change your birthday and become a Virgo.

Alex: [laughs] I will. Let me, let me go to the courthouse, it'll be okay.

Both: [laughing]

Alrighty. So, this has been Ice Cream Parasocial. We'll see you next time! Nick: Um, don't forget if you have the ability to go rate us on Apple podcasts and uh... that's all, for this one.

Alex: That's all! Um Buzzfeed if you have a intern that I can bribe to write a quiz that will save my marriage--

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Uh, we love you.

Alex: We love you. We-

Nick: See ya next time.

Alex: Yeah, hope it wasn't too loud so we can stay out of the closet.

Nick: This is a queer friendly podcast. Please don't make us go back in the closet.

Alex: [laughing] Anyway...

Nick: Bye!

Alex: Bye!