#a better world. too bad alistairs so shit at communication

[arsonmurderandjaywalking]

Pls tell me me about alistair/uriel 🍵

this ask is like Pandora's box for me. Thank you, Plant.

Well first things first, I don't actually have any concrete plot or setting for them and the rest of the cast so there will be things that are incredibly vague.

But anyway, I first conceived Alistair as a play on the whole mysterious missing dad trope. He's the all-powerful chosen one of a previous generation through some sort of bloodline magic shit, he disappeared under mysterious circumstances, he had a child with a normal, civilian woman who didn't know anything about his status, and everyone thinks he's dead. He also -and this is absolutely critical- sucks absolute shit.

He's never wanted to be the hero, ever, and he has such a massive imposter complex due to a lifetime of being put on a pedestal he's convinced himself that no one actually knows him due to it, up to and including his childhood best friend who's known him since he was born, Uriel. He also uses this sense of disconnect from everyone to justify his manipulative and inconsiderate behavior, because, well, it's not like anyone actually cares about him past what he can do for them, so why should he care about them? As mentioned before, this behavior also extends to Uriel.

But the thing is that Uriel knows Alistair better than Uriel does himself some days, and is also so horribly head over heels for him and is fully intending on taking that secret to the grave. Alistair's already figured it out though, and while he's also so terrifyingly in love with him he feels like he might throw up sometimes (though he insists it's just a crush and that it'll go away) (he's been saying that for years), he's also insisting that Uriel isn't actually in love with him, just the (false) version of him inside his head and that it'll go away eventually. He also has a tendency to manipulate him and act in ways that specifically play on Uriel's feelings for him because, as mentioned above, he sucks.

Anyway, when they're like 18-19, Alistair starts a relationship with a human girl named Brook (the vague idea of Alistair's powers is that he can like teleport, especially between like dimensions/worlds. Don't interrogate it too much) (another thing I forgot to mention is that Alistair has this very intense wanderlust) to run away from his feelings for Uriel and other issues. He doesn't love her, but he does like her, she's funny and stubborn and dedicated to the people she cares about and completely willing to yell at him when he's being an ass, and he thinks he could maybe love her, someday. (He's describing Uriel. Everything he could see himself maybe someday loving about her is something he already loves about Uriel. There are differences, of course, she's loud and expressive and impulsive where he's solemn and silent and carefully thought out, but still. The relationship was doomed from the start.) This is absolutely not something he's supposed to be doing, so he hides it from everyone but Uriel knows that something is up, he just doesn't press on it too much because he knows that Alistair won't tell him and that he's been feeling the pressure of everything especially lately so he doesn't want to stress him out even more. This backfires on him spectacularly when Alistair and Brook run away together and start living in a van together, giving no explanation to his family or Uriel.

At some point on the road, less than a year, Alistair accidentally gets Brook pregnant. Alistair, who's been spiraling ever since they went on the road due to his issues getting worse and worse and worse and the cracks in his relationship with Brook starting to show and can not handle the idea of bringing someone with his pedestal to stand on, his burden to carry into this world, leaves without a word the morning after she tells him. Brook had been kicked out by her parents before leaving because they never approved of Alistair and other underlying issues between them and the fighting just got worse and worse until they gave an ultimatum of staying under their roof or staying with him and she chose to stay with him. The only reason they excepted her back was because she was pregnant. Brook never stops being angry at him. She loves her daughter (not his or their. He didn't want to be in either of their lives, so he doesn't get the privilege being a father) but she never stops being angry at him, not once in 15 years.

Back to Uriel, he's practically catatonic for about a year and a half. Alistair was the most important person in his life. He's centered so much of his life around him, so many of his plans for the future around him. And Alistair just left him. Uriel's technically still a functioning member of society, but there's nothing behind his eyes. He's just going through the motions. He's stuck in the what-ifs for over a year. What if he stopped him from leaving, what if he noticed how bad he was doing sooner (and the secret, stupid, traitorous question: what if he convinced Alistair to take him with him) but he can't stay like that forever, he has things to do.

He gets an apprenticeship with a local blacksmith, makes friends with his coworkers, gets his own place, works on personal projects, gets new hobbies, lives his life. But still, he never quite forgets about him, never quite moves on. Years pass, and people start assuming Alistair's dead. Uriel never quite accepts it, not because he thinks he's coming back, but because he thinks that Alistair just finally decided to run away. He says finally because this was a common pipe dream for a young Alistair. He's a bit angry at him- how couldn't he be- but he gets it, gets why he needed to get away so badly. If he ever saw him again he'd probably hit him, but they'd be fine after. Just like they always were.

But then 15 years later, he (somehow. Don't question me on how this happens) meets a girl with Alistair's eyes and chin and his platinum blonde, practically white hair named Stella, who's freshly 14 years old and ostensibly human and awakening to magic she doesn't understand (and why would she? humans aren't supposed to even have magic) and that Uriel has known since he and Alistair were 5. The girl tells him she's never met her father, because he left her mom while she was pregnant. He decides that if he ever sees Alistair again he's going to kill him.

[5lazarus]

August Wrap-Up and Reflection

I was very productive this month, because of a few reasons: escapism from my shitty job, covid lockdown, horrible weather, and of course the 50k challenge I gave myself. Here's what I wrote, minus two things for a gift exchange, and my reflections on them:

Dragon Age Oneshots To The Victor The Spoils In the Skyhold gardens, in Adamant's wake, Solas meets Loghain. A character study of two trickster-kings, speaking a little too honestly. As Loghain himself says, "The past is always with us. It’s in our bones and our blood and we wear it on our skin. You can think otherwise, but you’ll never get far without it." This was fun to write, and I enjoyed talking about two out of three of my favorite trickster characters. I played the Dragon Age games in reverse order, and when I finally got to Loghain, I saw the seeds for the character they'd develop for DA:I. What was difficult about this story was writing the perspective of a character who knows everything, talking to someone who views him very much as a minor character in the vast tragedy that is their current battle. But developing their relationship via both of them as soldiers in the same party helped figure out what tack to take for the conversation. I think I relied a little too heavily on dialogue, especially in-game dialogue. I should've had this be busier, focused on the two in battle or something like that, which would have been more unique, more fun to read, and more fun to write. That's the problem with getting impatient with yourself and your writing, I guess. But I'm glad it's done. Love and Red Ink Varric tries his hand at a more literary Bildungsroman about his youth as a Kirkwall bohemian. Bianca tears it apart, editing for his own good. Sometimes love is in the margins, your almost ex-girlfriend telling you--I wasn't that pretty, when I was that young. Again I could've been more experimental with this piece, specifically having the two in bed and Bianca editing his work without him asking, her picking up his work and laughing at it. But in the end, I like this more passive version, because it's truer to Varric's character--the idealism and the disappointment. Got a lot of traction on Tumblr and less on AO3, which was interesting--Varric's more popular on this platform than AO3, maybe? The Domestics Alistair runs into an older elven woman on the battlements, watching the children play in the Skyhold courtyard below. They get to talking: isn't it nice that the mages get to keep their children now? Then, in the course of the conversation, Alistair figures it out.

Alistair says, “I always wondered. What my life would’ve been like, if she could’ve kept me. I always kinda knew she didn’t have a choice. King’s bastards are the king’s, not whoever carried them. If she were a servant and if I’d end up in the kitchens or, better yet, the dairy. I really like cheese. But if she were a mage, I guess we never had any of that. Unless she ran away.” Okay I'm proud of this little fic. It was nice to write something with a happy ending for once, originally I wasn't going to do that, but then the story would've been boring. My favorite part is Dorian resurrecting Blackwall from his snowy pyre as Sera mourns in the background--I think both Fiona and Alistair would be very aware of the way children are playing around them, wanting that domestic sense lost to them both. Especially because they both get their babies taken away. The Bane of Red Crossing In the astrarium cave in the Storm Coast with Inquisitor Lavellan, Cole, and Solas, Sera opens a chest and finds a beautiful bow, named the Bane of Red Crossing. But what is the Bane of Red Crossing? According to the codex: "Ser Yves de Chevac used this bow in the Exalted March against the Dales – specifically, in the liberation of Val Royeaux, where the chevalier famously struck down the elven forces' commander with a shot to the throat at two hundred feet."

Lavellan is not pleased, but does not know how to communicate effectively with Sera. Cole and Solas make it worse.

Sometimes there is no adequate resolution, when you are faced with the instrument of your great-grandparents' destruction. Sometimes there is nothing that disinterested compassion can say. I should've made this story nastier, and it might have been more interesting from Cole's perspective. But I think it works, I think having Lavellan and Sera and Solas like that is interesting, and this is a theme I might explore further in Fen'Harel's Teeth--the very different ways the three of them respond to Red Crossing. So Much Lore! So Much Information! Dorian has a wonderful conversation with the Skyhold Librarian about improvements to the library's filing system and the innovations coming out of Minrathous when Vivienne comes by and points out he's just talking to himself. He's been waxing rhapsodic about the Tevinter equivalent of the Dewey decimal system to a spirit--or maybe a demon. So clearly they must go and investigate.

Featuring Solas singing to keep time as he paints a very time-sensitive fresco, a small child whose name Dorian just can't get right, and a spirit of Wonder. (I wrote this yesterday, so it counts) This was fun! I don't think I quite got Dorian and Vivienne right though, and the most interested part of the story became Solas singing a very old love song--it might have been a stronger story if I took Vivienne out of it, who I struggle to write. She's appearing in a different story. But it was nice to write a fluffy fic--but now I want to write about Solas, Dorian, and that song. Star Trek Oneshots Jane Austen Book Club Dukat reads Pride and Prejudice to help him understand human relations (and fuck the Sisko). He thinks he’s being Darcy but really, he’s just Mr. Collins…and evil.

Garak lends him a copy of Jane Austen and a horrific cravat, and really, it's all downhill from there. Ahh, I love this story. I was really worried the jokes wouldn't land, but I think it worked out. Again I took too long to get to the point, two scenes could've been cut (Kira and Dax, probably, though it does move the plot), but this was a lot of fun. Tear of the Prophet Was prompted by ToasterBonanza to write about Kira Nerys repatriating an artifact sacred to Bajor from Cardassia, and this is what we got!

The Shakaar cell leads a procession after Cardassia returns the Orb of Contemplation to Bajor, to collective joy. Kai Opaka says, "So I say to you my people, the survivors of atrocity and keepers of the wormhole—the Prophets cried for you millennia before you were made. They sent their Tears from their temple as a safeguard as to what was to come. And now that it is safe, now that we have won—their Tears are for all."

Featuring Latha having an Orb experience, explaining why he became a vedek. This was cute, a little facile. I had trouble with this one. I should've taken my time and expanded it. Avatar: the Last Airbender Oneshot Cages Mai visits Azula. It is not easy. God I've never gotten more shit for a story than this one. I like this story! The point is that Azula's end is not nice, and that Mai is not a nice person, and neither is Azula. The ending is supposed to be upsetting. Her end is upsetting. Welcome to the world: bad things happen, all the time. As the summary says: it is not easy. All in all, a good month. My stories were a little too talky, though. For Fen'Harel's Teeth, I need to focus on action scenes. And for the remaining oneshots, a more interesting writing style. And picking up the pace!

[gra-sonas]

A Kiss a Decade in the Making

Pairing: Malex, Alex Manes/Michael Guerin

Words: 4.8K | Rating: T | On AO3

"Is Jenna going to schedule snogging rehearsals for us?”

Alex smiles at him.

“It’s a fair question to ask. How do we, two people who’ve only just met, play two men who’ve been in love for a decade?"

Initially, the story stems from the question how the actors - who hadn't met before filming the pilot - may have worked out the 'logistics' of the Malex kiss in 1x01, and whether there was something like a snogging rehearsal. Any similarities between the characters and the actual actors are - of course - purely coincidental. ;)

A couple of dialogue snippets from the original Roswell New Mexico 1x01 script have made their way into the fic, they are displayed in a 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚗𝚝.

This fic has been sitting in my WIP folder for months and initially I had no plans to ever post it, but thanks to the wonderful encouragement and helpful beta works of @i-never-look-away​ & @cosmiceverafter​, here it is. Love you, guys! ♥

~*~

When they get up to leave showrunner Jenna Cameron’s office, there’s a moment of hesitation as they arrive at the door at the same time. Michael takes the initiative and opens the door. He can’t help himself and bends his knee in a ridiculous half curtsy while he gestures at Alex to walk out first. Alex looks slightly bewildered for a moment but then he smiles.

“Thank you, Michael.”

Michael perks up. Not many people call him Michael, there are way too many Michaels in the world, that’s why he goes by Guerin everywhere.

“You can call me Guerin, it’s what everyone does.”

Alex nods.

“I’ll think about it. I like it though. Michael. It’s a good name. Suits you.”

He walks off and leaves a stunned Michael behind. What does that even mean, he’ll  think about it? Michael’s just a name. Not a bad name, he also considers it a lucky name, after all it has landed him a role that could very well be his first leading role in a major network TV show. At least that’s what he likes to think.

For that to happen, the show just needs to get picked up to series. After reading the script and hearing Jenna talk about what she envisions, he’s even more confident that the show has great potential. If they are going to do this right, they will be picked up.

Doing it right is the thing though. He already loves Mikel Rath, sees a lot of himself in him, and a lot of things he can at least relate to. The quick wit, the anger issues, the sarcastic and funny side of him.

There’s just one thing he’s unsure about. The thing with Alistair. The Alistair & Mikel thing. He wonders what their moniker would be? Milistair? Or Alikel? Do they have to come up with one themselves, or will they leave that to the fans? He makes a mental note to ask Jenna about it.

Michael has a bunch of LGBTQ friends, he’s even part of the community himself (although he’s never acted on it, which sometimes makes him feel like he’s not allowed to claim membership), and he’s lived in LA long enough to be aware of the significance of LGBTQ representation on screen. He knows how important this relationship is going to be to many people. How important it is to get it right. From what Jenna’s just told them, she has a lot in mind for these two characters, but only if there’s going to be a show Aliens of New Mexico .

The pilot only gives them one shot at selling it. It won’t just be on their shoulders alone, of course, Liz and Max will have to do most of the heavy lifting with their characters, but he has a feeling that this Alistair and Mikel thing will still play a vital role in TV executives making a decision that could change his life forever.

Michael takes a deep breath and slowly walks back to his trailer. On the way he recalls the meeting he had with Jenna and Alex. Jenna’s awesome, he’s met her before back in LA, and she’s also responsible for hiring him. He met Alex for the first time in Jenna’s office just now, though. He hasn’t had much time to get to know the man yet.  

Alex had been earnest during their meeting, notes written in the margins of his script and post-its marking some pages. He’d asked Jenna a lot of questions during their read through of the Alistair & Mikel scenes.

It had been interesting to listen to an experienced TV actor asking all these questions. Michael had never been an avid watcher of  Charming Young Deceivers, but even he had heard about Gemma & Mic’s popularity. Referred to as  Gemic by fans, they’d been crowned Best TV Couple in almost every online poll for several years, and Alex Manes had won three Teen Choice Awards for his portrayal of Mic, plus two others with his co-star for Best Couple. They’d also won three awards for Best Kiss. So, no pressure.

When Michael had found out that Alex Manes would play Alistair, he’d almost felt a bit giddy because he instantly knew what face went with the name.

He’d then done what he imagined most people would've done in his position: he’d gone and looked up Alex Manes in news and on social media. Since Instagram seemed to be his personal favorite, he went there first. Impressive follower count, very curated content (gorgeous photos though), cute dog (a beagle called Buffy, Alex had tagged her ‘Love of my Life’ in several photos). Alex seemed like an interesting guy who was not only very photogenic, but also had great taste in interior design, music, and he loved to travel. Michael had been looking forward to meeting him.

Then he’d read Alex’s Wikipedia entry. Like the character he was about to play, he came from a military family, his parents got divorced when Alex was in middle school and he’d grown up with his mom, while his three older brothers had stayed with their dad. He’d filmed a couple of indie movies and to Michael’s surprise, had released a number of singles. Michael’d listened to all of them and really liked them. One song had stood out to him in particular, a duet with Rosa Ortecho, a household name in the LA indie music scene. Michael was impressed.

Reading about the incident in Afghanistan, where Alex had been visiting US troops and lost part of his leg when their convoy had been attacked, had made Michael swallow hard. He’d then gone back to Alex’s Instagram account and looked through some of his more recent pictures. Now that Michael was aware of what had happened, he’d noticed a crutch in the background of some of the pictures. And there was a photo of Alex in a German military hospital, a beautiful dark-haired woman (probably his mom) by his side.  

Now that they’ve met, Michael is not sure what to think of Alex, who seems to be so much more than the handful of “facts” Michael had gathered from the internet. Alex had been nothing but friendly during their meeting with Jenna, he’d often looked at Michael, had tried to include him in the conversation (it had seemed like he’d been aware that Michael didn’t come with the same kind of TV experience under his belt as he did), had asked him questions, had listened with great attention when Michael spoke.  

All things considered it had been a great meeting. It had given Michael much needed input to get a better idea of the Alistair & Mikel dynamic. And yet her he is, still feeling somewhat insecure about it.

There’s one line in the pilot script that stood out to him in particular when he read the script for the first time, and it’s been nagging him ever since. 

𝚆𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚗𝚘 𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚜𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 -- 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢’𝚛𝚎 𝙺𝙸𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶

Muscle memory springing to life? How are they going to pull  that off when they barely know each other?

When Michael reaches his trailer, he looks around. Max’s trailer is to his left, Isobel’s trailer is to his right, Liz is right across from him. Valenti’s trailer’s right to Liz’s, and if memory serves him right, Alex’s trailer is to Liz’s left.

With just an idea in his mind, Michael crosses the short distance and knocks on the door of Alex’s trailer.

“Come in.”

Michael opens the door and is hit by a waft of warm air that smells rather nice. He quickly enters the trailer and closes the door behind him. He looks around and although they’ve all arrived in Albuquerque just 48 hours ago, Alex’s trailer already looks very cozy and lived in.  

A set of what must be scented candles is burning, set on a wooden plate on the sideboard in front of the big mirror. Something slow and jazz-y is playing over two small speakers, and Alex, clad in gray sweat pants and a soft looking baby blue hoodie, lounges on the recliner, a beautifully patterned quilt in earthy colors draped over his lower legs.  

He’s looking up at Michael, carefully placing a bookmark in the pilot episode script he'd been reading when Michael entered the trailer, before he places it on the table in front of him.

“Michael, good to see you. Can I offer you some tea?”

Michael is not much of a tea drinker, but it’s cold in Albuquerque this time of the year, and if Alex’s already offering to make tea, this could be a much-needed bonding experience. He smiles.

“That would be great, thanks. Can I help?”

His mom Mara has raised him right, he never expects people to just serve him, but Alex is already up and heads over to the small kitchen area. He busies himself with boiling water and placing cookies in a ceramic bowl. He looks over at Michael.

“Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Are you warm enough? I can turn up the heating some more if you’re cold?”

Michael plops down on the comfy chair offered to him and shakes his head.

“Thanks, I’m naturally running hot, I’m good.”

That remark earns him a raised brow from Alex. No kidding, Alex Manes is capable of raising just one brow. It gives his face something almost diabolic for a second, until one corner of his mouth twitches and he smirks.

“You’re running hot, huh? Good to know.”

Michael blushes. He honest to god blushes. Holy shit. Is Alex Manes  flirting with him? He’s not sure. Alex is so different from his group of friends and the people he’s worked with in the past. They are usually just taking the shit out of him (and vice versa). With Alex it's all new and unknown terrain.  

He’s being pulled out of his thoughts when Alex returns to the table and puts a mug of steaming tea in front of him. And of course, he doesn’t just place it on the wooden table, he’s putting a  coaster  underneath. Because Alex Manes is a cultivated man who brings his own quilt, scented candles and fucking  coasters  to a 3-week-shoot in the desert.

Michal is impressed, but also intimidated. His usual crowd is loud and rambunctious, and it suits his outgoing personality perfectly. Alex is only three months older than him, but he almost feels like an insecure kid meeting a man of the world. He shakes off that mental image and waits until Alex is snuggled up under his quilt again before he takes a cookie. It’s chocolate chip, and it tastes divine .

“Holy shit, these are amazing. Where did you get them? I have to buy three boxes.”

Alex chuckles.

“I don’t usually do orders, but I can give you the recipe, they’re quite easy to make.”

Michael is in awe. He loves food more than almost anything in the world, and he knows his way around a stove or oven. He’ll figure out a way to make these cookies.

“Didn’t take you for a baker, but you sure know what you did with these. They are incredible. I’d love the recipe. I’ll send it to my mom. She’ll be so excited.”

He must’ve said the right thing, because Alex’s smile turns warm and genuine for the first time since they’ve met.

“Moms, right?”

Michael couldn’t agree more and nods enthusiastically. He picks up his mug.

“To amazing moms.”

Alex picks up his mug and toasts back.

“To amazing moms.”

They both sip some tea and for a moment the music in the background is the only sound in the trailer. Michael is careful to place his mug on its coaster before he picks up the conversation again.

“Okay, now that we’ve established that we’re both momma’s boys, I hope we can take it from there and get to know each other better and maybe build something for our Alistair and Mikel dynamic. What do you think?”

He’s nervous all of a sudden. Alex is an experienced actor, he’s been doing this professionally for more than a decade. When Michael sees Alex’s face soften, he’s feeling better immediately.

“I think that’s a great idea. There’s this one sentence in the script that shows how close they are, or at least how close they must've been at some point, and I think it would be good to find that closeness somehow. And then we’re going to show the execs what a kiss a decade in the making looks like.”

Michael laughs.

“You won’t believe it, but that’s been my thought process on my way from Jenna’s office to your trailer. I mean, Liz and Max still have the biggest responsibility to convince the higher ups, but in my opinion, Alistair and Mikel are just as important and as much of a selling point.”

Encouraged by Alex nodding in agreement, Michael continues.

"The scene you mentioned, is our springboard, that’s the moment where the audience has to realize that this isn’t just a spur of the moment thing. These two men have history. We may not know about that history yet, but it has to be clear that they know each other. It’s really helpful for me that Jenna wrote that bit about muscle memory into the script. The question is, how do we get to a point where we look like we’ve done this before? Is Jenna going to schedule snogging rehearsals for us?”

Alex bursts out laughing. On the one hand Michael’s delighted that he’s managed to make Alex laugh, on the other hand that he’s worried he’s made a stupid suggestion.

“Uhm, sorry if that was dumb. I’m just a very hands-on guy. I often approach my roles from as much of a physical perspective as I do from the emotional perspective of my character.”

Alex smiles at him.

“You didn’t say anything dumb. It’s a fair question to ask. How do we, two people who’ve only just met, play two men who’ve been in love for a decade? I want this to be every bit of convincing and true to these characters as you. In all honesty, I might have an even bigger interest in it, given that I’m part of the community who will watch this part of the show very closely.”

Michael knows that Alex is gay, in his research he’s found articles and an interview that had been released after Charming Young Deceivers ended. Media and fans alike had been in a frenzy over the coming out, especially after Alex had been part of one of the most beloved  straight  couples in TV history.  

Michael looks at Alex as open and honest as he feels.

“I’m bi myself, so this story means a lot to me, too. I want to do it justice, and I want to do right by a community I know is marginalized in many, many ways. They -  we -  deserve me giving it my all. And that’s what I want to do.  That’s what the script demands. And I think Alistair and Mikel have the potential to be as important and relevant as Liz and Max’s characters. Maybe even more so.”

Michael’s run out of breath at this point, something that barely ever happens, but this is important to him, and he hopes Alex understands what he means. Going by the look on Alex’s face, he does. His eyes seem to glisten, but maybe it’s just a trick of light.

Alex clears his throat and takes another sip from his mug.

“You know, I’ve had the hardest time making the decision whether to take on this role. After seven years on my previous show and coming out after we wrapped, I took a year off. I just needed a break from pretending to be someone I’m not for way too long. The media just always assumed I had to be straight because I played a straight guy on TV. I knew it was risky to come out when the show ended, it could’ve ended my career as well, but I couldn’t live the lie by omission my life had become any longer. I did a lot of soul searching and focused on myself. I was at a point where I didn’t know if I should continue to work in this business, when the accident happened. After that, I didn't know if I  could continue to work in this business. I’m sure you know enough about the industry to understand how hard it is as an able-bodied, assumed-straight, assumed white male actor.”

Michael nods, he knows all too well how hard it is. He’s been driving Uber and Lyft for more than a year to make ends meet, and as a talented mechanic, he’d also done the odd car repair job for friends or people recommended to him for extra cash, he’d spent on more acting classes.

Alex puts his mug down and rubs at his eyes with the palms of his hands before he looks at Michael again, his gaze intense.

“Well, after playing a straight white guy for years, people now know that Alex Manes is actually a gay man, who’s half Native American, and also disabled. I’ve worked my way up in LA for years, until my name was one casting people and show execs would recognize. Expectations were always high, but the longer  Deceivers  went on, the pressure to replicate the success got bigger every year, and the media wanted to be fed with the same narrative over and over again. Especially in regards to my personal life.”

Alex shakes his head, probably thinking about gossip magazine headlines questioning whether his female co-star of seven years and him were banging in real life. Michael shudders in sympathy.

“When the show ended, I just couldn’t continue and pretend to be the guy they wanted to write about. If someone had asked me one more time what my dream girl would have to be like, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have committed a murder. And now they know that I’m really not that guy."

Alex points at the script on the table.

“When I got this, I’d more or less made my peace with the idea of never being able to act again, while simultaneously worrying about what to do with my life instead. This role, this story, came at the right time. I read the script and I knew immediately that I wanted to play Alistair. That – to a degree – I  am  Alistair.”

Alex takes a steadying breath.

“I’m not going to make this about me all the time, don’t worry, but I wanted you to know where I’m coming from, and that there’s the potential that some part of my story will bleed into Alistair’s story. Mentally I’m still a bit ‘all over the place’ right now, I’m more emotional than usual, and I still struggle with the decision of having signed up for a project that could turn into yet another commitment of several years. But I think the show has the potential to be really good. For myself, and for many people like me.”

Michael gets up from his chair and walks over to the recliner. He reaches out to Alex with both arms.

“Man, would it be ok if I offer you a hug? I know I could use a hug right now. It’s ok if you don’t want, of course, but I thought I’d ask?”

Alex looks at him with big eyes, but then he untangles himself from the quilt, gets up and steps into Michael’s open arms. Michael wraps his arms around Alex’s upper body, while Alex’s arms slowly wind around Michael’s mid-section. It’s only awkward for a second, then both men give in and melt into a comforting embrace. They just stand there in the middle of Alex’s trailer for a long time, holding each other, breathing in and out in perfect sync.  

They lose track of time, but eventually Alex bends back a little to look at Michael’s face from close up.

“Momma’s boys  and  suckers for hugs, I have a feeling, things between us are going to be just fine.”

Michael snickers.

“I’m warning you, I’m a cuddle slut. I can fall asleep on people’s shoulders, or I will sloth-hug them from behind when I’m tired. Feel free to tell me no at any time though, I know not everybody’s comfortable with that kind of invasion of their personal space.”

Alex smiles.

“Thanks, I’m trying to listen to my needs more closely. In general, I do enjoy a good hug, but sometimes it can be too much. Boundaries are hard.”

Michael nods.

“Don’t I know it. I mean, I’m not having a hard time to accept or notice other people’s boundaries, it’s more like that I often ignore my own boundaries in an effort to please everyone. Leaves me drained and exhausted, but then life demands that I’m being me again, and I never seem to have enough time and space to recharge.”

They end the hug, but when they sit down again, they do so on the recliner side by side, their knees touching. Michael’s right leg bounces.

“So, after we’ve bonded over some emotional stuff, how do we get to the muscle memory part of our characters’ connection? Kissing boot camp? I’ll admit, although I know I’m bi, I’ve never kissed a dude before. I don’t expect it to be that different from kissing a girl, but I can’t be sure. I’ve looked up your filmography and saw that you did this cool musical film where you played a seemingly gay man. How did you and your co-star approach that thing between your characters?”

Alex laughs.

“Did you see the movie?”

Michael shakes his head.

“I didn’t have the time to watch it, but I saw the trailer, and, uhm, there’s a making of clip of one rather steamy scene on YouTube, I watched that.”

Alex smirks at him.

“Did you now? Interesting. Well, in general we talked with the director of course, how they wanted the scene to go, stuff like that. We did a screen test where we kissed before the shoot. Colton’s also gay, so we both had no trouble with the ‘kissing a dude’ part. But as it is with any kiss on screen, kissing a stranger is never easy.”

Michael nods.

“Okay, that makes sense. Maybe they’re going to do a screen test with us, too? To make sure we’re compatible? Jenna didn’t mention anything, right?”

Alex shakes his head.

“No, she didn’t. I don’t think there will be a screen test. This is just a pilot, and they’re on a tight budget. They’ll expect us to knock it out of the park as soon as the cameras roll.”

Michael swallows around a lump in his throat that wasn’t there a minute ago.

“Good, that’s cool. I mean, looking at you, it’s not exactly a hardship to imagine how great it must be to kiss you. I’ll do my best to make it not awkward.”

Alex smiles at him, but the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. He’s careful with his next words.

“If it makes you feel better, we can do a screen test without cameras? Figure out how to embrace without colliding? I mean, we don’t have to kiss, obviously, if it makes you uncomfortable or you think it’s not necessary. But we could work out some kind of choreography and develop the ‘muscle memory’ for the kissing scene?”

Alex doesn’t look straight at Michael when he makes his proposal, only when he ends, his eyes are back on Michael with full focus. Michael feels like he’s blushing furiously, although he really hopes that isn’t the case.  

“Uhm, okay, that’s a great idea actually. A choreography. I like that. I’d rather not knock you unconscious with my thick skull just because we both go for the same side.”

Alex laughs and stands up again. He holds his hand out to Michael.

“Come on then, let’s try.”

Michael takes Alex’s hand and lets himself get pulled up into a standing position. Alex doesn’t release his hand, so Michael follows him to the middle of the trailer where they have enough space to move around without bumping into furniture. Alex takes one more step until they stand opposite from each other.

“Is there anything off limits with what you’re comfortable with? Like, do I have to know about any particularly ticklish spots, is it ok to touch your hair? That kind of stuff.”

Michael thinks about it for a second, then he shakes his head.

“I can’t think of anything. How about you?”

Alex shakes his head.

“I’m pretty ticklish, but I don’t think you’re going to tickle me. Should we just act out the scene like it’s in the script and see how it goes?”

Michael nods. He picks up his script from where he’d placed it on the table earlier and quickly reads through the instructions for the scene’s set-up.

“Okay, why don’t you take the chair from over there, and I enter from the kitchen area?”

Alex nods in agreement. He pulls out the chair from under the desk and props up his right leg on the seat. He pulls up the leg of is sweatpants and pretends to adjust something on his prosthesis.

Michael’s stepped back into the kitchen area and looks at Alex. His hair is tousled and he looks warm and slightly flushed. For a moment, Michael glances at the metal of Alex’s leg reflecting the light, but then he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He’s Mikel Rath now. An alien who’s lived in this town for ten years while the love of his life went to war. They are not on good terms, but there’s still love.  

A love that’s been tested over and over again, but never went away. Michael opens his eyes and looks at Alex. Alex, who’s Alistair Jessup now, a decorated war veteran. Not the same person Mikel fell in love with a decade ago. Not a boy anymore. Alistair is a man now. But the love, oh the  love, it's burning just as bright as the first day he’d laid eyes on him.  

Mikel takes a step forward into the room, as per description “belt buckle first”.

"𝙽𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚐𝚒𝚊’𝚜 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝𝚌𝚑, 𝚑𝚞𝚑."

Alistair adjusts the leg of his pants and puts his foot back on the ground. He looks at Mikel, his eyes dark and questioning. He sighs.

"𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝙸𝚛𝚊𝚚, 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚍 𝚋𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚘𝚗𝚎."

Mikel feels embarrassed all of a sudden. Alistair is right, it’s been ten years and he’s still stuck in the same place, wasting his life, just like Alistair said earlier. But then Alistair doesn’t know  why  he never left, what kept him in their hometown, or rather who. Mikel is tired, and his shoulders drop. He sounds resigned.

"𝙸’𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚎. 𝙸𝚝’𝚜 𝚜𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝? 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚘?"

Alistair shakes his head, he also looks tired, his eyes are hollow.

"𝚆𝚎’𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚔𝚒𝚍𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎. 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛."

The ‘what I want never mattered’ is hanging like an unspoken truth between them. Mikel takes a step forward, his eyes on Alistair. Alistair in return, takes one step in Mikel’s direction. They are close now. Very close. They look at each other, their eyes telling an entire story while they remain quiet.

When they both start moving at the same time, there’s no need to figure out a choreography. Mikel’s arms reach for Alistair’s head, his fingers slotting around his neck just so, while Alistair’s hands go underneath Mikel’s arms and wrap around Mikel’s torso. They both pull the other in until there’s no space left between them. Mikel takes another breath before he closes the last inch of distance between them and their lips meet in a searing kiss.

They are swaying back and forth, their lips pressing firmly against each other. They are Alistair and Mikel for a long moment, until Mikel Rath slowly turns back into Michael Guerin and Alistair fades back into Alex Manes, and now it’s them kissing all of a sudden, and no longer the characters they are supposed to play.

Michael doesn’t know how to stop. He doesn’t want to. He’s holding onto Alex’s face and looks at him like he’s searching for something. When he sees what he’s been hoping to find, he closes his eyes and lets his lips go soft, his mouth turning into a pliant invitation

When he feels Alex’s tongue nudging at his lower lip, he opens his mouth and lets him in.

[thesportssoundoff]

What Can MMA Learn From Maryland? A Meandering Rambling Plea For Common Sense

Joey

August 20th

Much has been said recently about the Maryland football team situation and how tragic it is. I can't express the rage or grief that Alex did when he discussed it and I'm not sure my sympathies will do much to help either. A young man lost his life and in the process, "exposed" us to what has been described as a toxic environment at a major university. Much has been said and much will be said going forward and the Maryland Terps program will hopefully be forever changed for the better. The hope is that college football will also be changed for the better.

Rather than try to give my own thoughts on the matter which would be far less eloquent or passionate than Alex's take (found here: http://thesportssoundoff.tumblr.com/post/176922352680/fire-all-these-motherfuckers), I want to use this to ask the important questions about our humble little sport of MMA.

What's preventing MMA gyms from having similar environments?

First, let's not act like it's not a possibility. We know it's a possibility because we've HEARD stories about the way MMA gyms are run. We've heard about, say for instance, TJ Dillashaw allegedly ending the career of Chris Holdsworth with a concussion from going too hard in sparring. We've heard stories about Hector Lombard hurting people in sparring by going too hard. We've got Pat Barry and UFC champ Rose Namajunas on record discussing what they perceived a toxic environment at Roufus Sport. One of Lloyd Irvin's top fighters competes this Saturday and that'll always bring a bitter taste for people. Alistair Overeem stories are all over the place. We'd like to believe that every fighter in the world is trained with the utmost care and respect, that gyms truly are brotherhoods where all are treated equal. In a perfect world, that's a tremendous thing----but what world's are perfect? If the reality is the one presented to us, what's done about problems pertaining to bad MMA gyms?

In training camps for other sports, the athletes are competing to make everyone better to play against other people. When it comes to MMA or combat sports; a fighter in a camp is training to compete solo. They're trying to sharpen themselves to make a living in a solo one on one fight. That makes everything different. We hear plenty of fighters who understand that training is training---but the end result isn't to try and perfect a route or learn how to beat an OL with a swim move, it's about probably knocking somebody out. Fists fly, sometimes things get heated and punches don't always get pulled. It has to be nearly impossible for a top level athlete training for a big level fight to remain composed every single drill and every single sparring session when get better =/= making money in a prize fight. Trying to police emotion is always difficult and trying to police alpha male/female athletes has to be an even more challenging task. I don't envy trainers, coaches, high level gyms or locker room policemen for having to keep fighters in line. It is probably an insanely thankless task when it comes to protecting people from themselves.

The problem is what happens when that fails. HOW does it fail? What do gyms do to correct that and what do we do as consumers do to voice displeasure about it? MMA, boxing and kickboxing all pride themselves on being sports with the world's toughest athletes. You can't change the DNA of MMA so to speak. You can't prevent guys and gals from wanting to prove toughness to one another. That said, there's no reason why it should happen. One of the biggest problems, one that often is said AFTER shit goes down, is "Keeping it in the gym." Nobody wants to be known as a rat (or a snake or any other animal except a Pitbull because MMA loves pitbulls) so "Dude A beats up Dude B in sparring" becomes a whispered tale among training partners or media members. I'd bet most if not all of MMA prefers it that way and to steal a phrase from a professor I had in college; bad things only become bad when A) somebody is seriously hurt by it or B) the media finds out about it. How many times is a "locker room cancer" revealed AFTER the season's over? Bernie Williams was essentially bullied for two years by Mel Hall before the Yankees got rid of him and THEN and only then did "Mel Hall is a fucking asshole" become widespread reported. Keeping things inside the gym is great and all----except for A) when someone gets hurt or B) when the public finds out about it. Exhibit A) Chris Holdsworth and Exhibit B) Hector Lombard.

MMA gyms are independently owned public entities. There's no SEC commission to track them and make sure they're doing things well (and even those fail). There's no NFLPA to make sure that the letter of the law is being followed when it comes to what guys spar at. Athletic Commissions aren't going to these gyms to ensure that rules are being enforced because what rule is there to enforce? We probably can't even get every MMA gym to agree to spar with headgear. These commissions can't even keep dudes out of gyms! How many times do you hear stories of a guy getting a 30 day concussion and then going back to the gym within that time frame? MMA basically uses the honor system which is great and all except a fighter isn't always going to tell you the truth. Forrest Griffin fought Anderson Silva QUITE possibly still concussed from a training camp flash KO. We can't see these things and gyms aren't going to jeopardize themselves to report these things so we're left hoping and relying on the honor system to carry us through. If only things were that simple when it comes to issues pertaining to cultural  The general argument will always be that gyms will either kick people out who are problems (but not after milking that ride for whatever percentage they can get for big fights), the aggrieved fighters will "man up" and deal with it or lastly they'll just quit. None of those are really fair applicable answers to what could be a potential problem going forward. We can't just hope gyms police themselves (when we've seen them fail to) or that fighters just toughen up about it. If fighters are being taken advantage of, they deserve to be helped and if gyms refuse to offer that help or just turn a blind eye then WE should absolutely know about it. This can't be a situation where "it's only bad when we find out" a la weight cutting. Let's try to be a bit more proactive.  

Now obviously the goal isn't to witch hunt about this. It's not to force you to assume every gym has a problem they're hiding behind closed doors. It's to ask if we can look at what happened in Maryland (or Baylor or any other place where the culture and the urge to win led to disaster) and try to figure out how to prevent something as awful like that from happening to our sport. We've already flirted with disaster in the past when it pertains to gym abuse and how the MMA community responds to or handles it. In an alpha male sport, sometimes you need rational adults who can set the ground rules and enforce them. How? Why? I don't know.

I just don't want MMA to have a Maryland. I don't want to watch a sport where I have to hope every athlete is being treated the right way BEFORE they risk their lives for my entertainment. Nobody should.

[lickstynine]

I know it’s a lot, but could you do all the whump questions for Wren and Kit?

well this took about a thousand years. you better like it, you big nerd

~Physical~

1. Do they have any sort of physical condition or mark that impacts their daily life? (chronic disease, deep scar, disability)Kit has CVID, so he’s pretty perpetually sickly. He also has untreated depression that’s part of the cause of his awful drinking habits.Wren has anxiety, asthma, and IBS-D, all of which pretty well hinder his attempts to keep up with and interact with his peers. He can’t really run around and play, and he gets scared super easily, which just makes his IBS worse.

2. What is their pain tolerance? Do they close their eyes and block it out, or go into a full blown panic?Kit can tolerate a fair amount. For the most part, he’s very used to tattoo/piercing pain, but long sessions of linework can overwhelm him. Pain from illness, however, like sore throat/stomachache/headache tends to hurt more and make him more irritable.Wren doesn’t have the best pain tolerance. Pain tends to make him nervous, cause chest pain = asthma attack, and stomach pain = IBS attack. Which (ironically) both often lead to panic attacks.

3. How long do they typically take to recover from illness or injury compared to average?They’re both quite frail and sickly, but Kit especially takes ages to recover.

4. What are the most telltale signs that they’re sick or injured?Kit gets extra bitchy. Like more genuinely mean instead of lighthearted mocking.Wren will be more fussy and sensitive than usual. If he’s around family, he’ll let them know he’s feeling bad, but if he’s at school, he’ll try to tough it out rather than draw attention to himself.

5. What is their response to their friends or loved ones in pain?Depending on the severity, Kit will either tease them, or try (and usually fail) to be helpful.Wren will offer help and comfort as best he can.

~Emotional~

6. How easily do they cry? Is it different alone vs in public?Kit cries more easily than he’d care to admit, but it’d take something serious for him to sob in public. Normally he tries to keep himself together until he can go home and bawl into a bottle of whiskey.Wren is very sensitive, but will do his best not to cry in public. He’ll run off to somewhere like a bathroom or an empty hallway and then just sob. If he’s at home, he’ll seek out Jace or his mom for comfort.

7. Is there any emotion they find difficult to control (anger, sorrow, anxiety)?Kit struggles a lot to keep a handle on his depression. He also still has trouble with the grief from losing his mom.Wren has major issues with his anxiety.

8. Is there a place, name, object, etc. that holds painful memories for them?For Kit, it’s anything to do with his mother, her name, her picture, her old belongings. He also has issues with funerals/cemeteries, because hers was the first funeral he ever attended.Wren is completely terrified of school. He’s had issues with bullying his whole life, and just being surrounded by tons of people and academic pressure all day is awful for him.

9. In a dire situation, are they fight, flight or freeze?Kit would try to fight, but he’s so weak, it really wouldn’t do much. He usually tries to talk his way out of things before they escalate to a physical confrontation.Wren just flees. Or he tries to anyway. He can’t like run super far, cause asthma, but he definitely tries to just gtfo if he sees signs of danger.

10. How stable do they consider themselves? How stable are they really?Kit is a weird one. Most of the time, he considers himself to be pretty decent, but on low days, he’s all too aware of just how much he doesn’t have his shit together. He’s horribly unstable.Wren has, at best, a very tenuous and fragile stability. A gentle sneeze could throw it off. He’s aware that he’s pretty unstable.

~Social~

11. Within their group, where do they fall during emergencies? The leader, the support, the cause of the emergency, etc.?Kit is usually the cause of the emergency. He’s a mess. He does have the finances to help deal with said emergencies, though, which is nice.Wren just tries to help, but isn’t very useful.

12. Do they have someone they trust during their own time of need, or do they prefer to handle it alone?Kit will clam up initially, but if prodded, he’ll accept help. And he definitely needs it.Wren needs so much help. He’ll run right to Jace or Serafina with a problem.

13. Is there a character who often finds themselves worried about your OC?Alistair is always worrying about Kit, though I can’t say I blame him.Jace and Serafina both worry about Wren a lot.

14. What kind of image would they like to portray to their group? How does the group really see them, good and bad?Kit tries to be the suave intellectual. Julius totally sees him that way. Alistair does think he’s smart, but he also knows that Kit is way less chill than he lets on. His less-close friends fall for the ruse completely.Wren doesn’t really have a ‘group,’ the only people he voluntarily interacts with are family, and they know him inside and out.

15. Is there an antagonist or someone who would like to see/make your OC suffer?Violet is still a bit of an issue for Kit, cause they have a lot of the same upper-class acquaintances, who she’s been talking shit about him to. His real problem, though, is his father, who is an actual physical threat with way less decency and restraint than Violet.Wren has lots of issues with people at school. His schoolmates fall into two categories - those that ignore him, and those that actively bully him.

~Spiritual~

16. Do they have any regrets in their life?Kit regrets most of his existence tbh. He feels like he should’ve done something to protect his mother (even though she (probably) died of natural causes, and he was too young to have helped either way. He feels like an idiot and a failure academically because he just kinda gave up on school when he started having memories issues. He thinks he’s too dependent on his father (he definitely is), and should’ve tried to move out and get used to being a functioning adult (he should’ve), but is in no state to do it now. Wren doesn’t really regret much, save for the occasional ill-advised snack that fucks up his tummy. Most of his problems are outside his control, so he’s just kinda trying to cope with them.

17. What is something they dislike about either themselves or the world?Kit hates how spoiled and dependant he is.Wren wishes he weren’t so nervous and awkward.

18. Is there a situation that might make it impossible for them to relax?Kit is always on full alert when his father’s around. He has trouble sleeping sometimes when he knows Reggie is home.Wren cannot handle being out in public. Crowds and strangers freak him out.

19. Are they honest to themselves, or do they ignore feeling hurt or sad?Kit tries to drown all his bad feelings in liquor.Wren is aware of his bad feelings, but doesn’t know how to deal with them.

20. Do they like to be alone with themselves often or surrounded by friends?Kit likes to have people around. Being by himself for too long tends to send him into a depressive spiral.Wren is very introverted, and prefers to spend most of his free time alone.

~Environmental~

21. Does the weather in your setting ever affect their health?Kit is very sensitive to temperature, both heat and cold, so pretty much any weather that isn’t a mild, cloudy day is unpleasant for him.Wren sometimes overheats, because southern California is hot as balls. He also sunburns really easily. He likes gardening in theory, but can’t handle the weather enough to actually get into it.

22. Is their community unsafe for them in any way (violence, pollution, etc.)?Kit’s community is rather toxic socially, what with all the snobbery and shit.Wren’s school community is just awful to him, but he lives in a nice community with nice people.

23. How do they feel about hospital environments?Kit is pretty used to them by now, cause he’s perpetually sickly. He still doesn’t enjoy it.Wren is very nervous around doctors and hospitals.

24. In what season do they typically get sick?Kit gets sick constantly, no matter the season.Wren is worst in the fall and winter, but spring and the pollen fucks with his asthma.

25. How easily do they catch any bug going around?Kit will catch every one. He’d get them twice if it was possible.Wren is fairly sickly too, but not as bad as Kit.

~Occupational~

26. Are there any risks for illness or injury specific to their job?Kit doesn’t work, so no.Wren doesn’t have a job, but he goes to school, and there’s obviously lots of awful kid germs there, as well as violent bullies.

27. Have they overworked themselves into sickness or collapse before?Kit does occasionally. He’s sick so often that he’ll try to brush it off it it’s not serious, but then they’ll get worse cause he’s not taking care of himself.Wren is pretty good about just staying home if he doesn’t feel well in the morning, but if symptoms come on during the day, he’ll try to power through and that never goes well.

28. How sympathetic is their boss when they have to take a day off? Is this a source of comfort or stress for them?Neither of them have a boss, but Wren’s teachers tend to be understanding, since he has a doctor’s note explaining that he’s a sickly fucker.

29. When they do come into work sick, do they strive to remain professional or let everyone know how miserable they are?Kit is a complainer.Wren stays quiet, he doesn’t want the attention.

30. Who do they go to with their problems at work, if anyone?Kit

~Intellectual~

31. What’s one skill or aspect of themselves that they feel self-conscious of?Kit is really displeased with his failing memory. It especially upsets him when he forgets important things like Alistair’s birthday, or what his mother sounded like.

32. Do they push themselves too hard/give up when minor things get difficult? Kit tends to just avoid things he’s not good at. He’s a giver-upper / problem dodger.Wren will try his best no matter what.

33. Have they worried before about never meeting anyone’s expectations, or always having to meet them?Kit has been told he’s inadequate since like the day he popped out of the womb looking frail and feminine. He tries to ignore his father’s expectations, but he’s lowkey pretty insecure.Wren wishes he could fit into the social standards his peers hold him to. (not that their opinions actually matter worth shit)

34. Do they have an interest skill they excel at but are embarrassed of?Kit is very good at the piano, but rarely plays after all his forced childhood recitals. These days, he only really uses the talent to get him laid.Wren is a good singer/pianist, but he’s too shy to ever show anyone.

35. How do they respond to being criticized for their shortcomings? Kit will try to defend himself most of the time, unless he’s hit right in the insecurities. Then he’ll just kinda try not to cry.Wren will just sorta humbly agree until the person goes away and then feel bad.

[coaldustcanary]

2016 Fanfic Masterpost

I’ve seen some posts from folks I follow in a number of different fandoms doing a bit of an end-of-the-year writing roundup, and I really like that idea, so here we are. 

I’ve been fannish for a long time now - over 20 years at this point, which is more than a little terrifying to consider, let me tell you. But my fannish writing has been very intermittent over those years for the most part, and my participation in fandom was relatively narrow, particularly when I was working on my PhD. Through 2014 I wrote, on average, one fanwork a year for the previous 5 years, as usually I could be counted upon to participate in at least one A Song of Ice and Fire and/or Game of Thrones fanfic exchange, but not much beyond that. I also wrote a smattering of fic prior to 2009, much of it lost to the ages besides some random pieces I managed to get up on AO3. (I really need to take some time to go back and properly back-date those older works, oof. And dig up a few more on LJ communities that I couldn’t find when I did my original looking, if I can.)

But in the past year and a half or so I’ve come back to fandom in a much more enthusiastic way than I have since I was a teenager, thanks to falling hard for the Dragon Age games and then faceplanting into Once Upon a Time fandom. And in the past seven months I’ve written if not a lot of fic, definitely more than I have in a long, long time. It’s been a trip, in both good and bad ways, but I’m glad to be doing it.

The master list in chronological order with brief commentary:

Always Already (Dragon Age: Inquisition) Incomplete Planned eventual M rating, nothing above T in the current chapter tumblr link, AO3 link, 6025 words The Academic Conference AU that started it all this summer. I just could not let this headcanon go until I wrote this first chapter. I haven’t touched it since then for a variety of reasons, but even if I never get back to it I’m pleased with the chapter that exists and it got me back writing. It’s meant to be a massive DA:I ensemble AU, with this particular multi-chapter story involving some eventual Female Trevelyan/Cullen Rutherford, but mostly I just want to finish this particular arc so I can just write snippets in the AU every time I need to say something cathartic about working at a university.

Hunger (Dragon Age: Origins) Rated G, Gen, Alistair & Female Brosca friendship tumblr link, AO3 link, 1835 words A short, introspective piece about one of my Dragon Age OCs. When you grow up without enough food, hungry all the time, what happens when the effects of blood magic make you even hungrier? Natia thinks about her life and her choices and finds common ground with her fellow Grey Warden.

Before a Fall (Game of Thrones) Mature, Yara Greyjoy/Daenerys Targaryen, GoT 6x09 post-ep scene tumblr link, AO3 link, 2698 words Written for the Game of Ships Seven Hells Challenge based off of the prompt “Pride”. I watched 6x09 on the Sunday night when it aired and swooned over Yara and Dany’s interaction. I wrote this intimate encounter the following Monday evening in one sitting. I ship Iron Dragon so very, very much. This fic took only about a month to become my most commented and kudosed fic ever on AO3, and I’m pretty happy with it.

Savior Fair - Princess (Once Upon a Time) Rated T, Captain Swan tumblr link, AO3 link, 2501 words My first OUAT fic, based on the August 2016 OUAT positivity challenge that tlynnwords put together. (I put all my pieces for this in a single work on AO3 called Savior Fair, since they’re Emma-centric.) Fluffy CS pillow talk set post-S5 before I’d much looked at S6 spoilers. I like this fic’s premise and flow, but I totally missed the mark with Emma’s voice in it. Her voice is tough for me, but I think I’m getting better.

Savior Fair - Smile (Once Upon a Time) Rated T, SwanFire tumblr link, AO3 link, 938 words My goal with the OUAT positivity fics was to focus on the best parts of Emma’s relationships with other characters. I think Neal is a fascinating character (and though I don’t ship SF, I’ve been a fan of Michael Raymond-James for a long time and I think he brings a lot of interesting nuance to the guy) and I think a lot about the time they spent together and what it would have meant to 17 year old Emma to have someone smile at her and mean it.

Savior Fair - Heart (Once Upon a Time) Rated T, Captain Swan, 4x12 missing scene tumblr link, AO3 link, 1274 words I needed a scene to bridge the gap between the conclusion to the showdown in the clock tower and Emma replacing Killian’s heart in his chest. Just a little feels-laden ficlet. (Apparently the original script had a line in the latter scene with Emma saying she felt strange holding his heart, and Killian replying that she’s already held it for ages, though I didn’t know that until after I wrote this bit, and it tends in a similar direction.)

Savior Fair - Trust (Once Upon a Time) Rated T, Emma & Milah, 5x14 missing scene tumblr link, AO3 link, 1647 words The last of the positivity prompts I got to (August is a tough time with the semester beginning, so much for my ambitions) and the one of which I’m the most proud. I have A Lot of Feelings about Milah and the way she’s treated in a many corners of OUAT fandom, and I’m still really mad about 5x14. Emma and Milah needed more time to talk. So they mostly talk about what they have in common. (And, honestly, Killian is only a small part of their similarities.) I am certain they would be friends, given the chance.

Steadfast (A Song of Ice and Fire) Rated T, Stannis Baratheon/Davos Seaworth, canon divergence/future fic AO3 link, 4071 words I did three fanfiction exchanges due in September this year, and I wrote this fic for thedevilchicken for the Game of Thrones exchange. Despite the name, this one is open to both book-verse and show-verse fics, and this one is an AU of the former. For some reason I seem to really like writing Stannis-as-king future AUs with a Davos POV, and nothing says Stannis/Davos loyalty than a retelling of a shockingly sad Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale about a broken toy that is loyal to his distant and unattainable love until he’s melted into scrap. (Spoiler alert: This version has a happier ending.)

Distracted (Dragon Age) Explicit, Anders/Karl Thekla AO3 link, 3094 words Smutty roleplaying with spanking written for green_sphynx for The Black Emporium, a Dragon Age rarepair exchange. Playful and porny PWP set sometime well before everything was terrible in Dragon Age 2.

Starstruck (Agent Carter/Doctor Who) Rated G, Gen, Tenth Doctor & Donna Noble, Peggy Carter & Angie Martinelli tumblr link, AO3 link,  3425 words Written for Grey_Cardinal for the Crossovering exchange. Ten and Donna cause a bit of a scene at the restaurant where Angie works. I quite like the premise of this fic and it was fun to write, though I really ought to have come up with more for Peggy to do in it.

Spectator Sport (Once Upon a Time) Rated G, Gen, Hooked Queen friendship, future fic tumblr link, AO3 link, 1063 words After having a really crummy day a few months back, I asked for some fic prompts (pairings and a word/idea) to take my mind off it and my lovely friends delivered. This is just a little vague future fic based on mryddinwilt’s prompt for Hooked Queen + parenting. However much they viciously snark at one another, I think they understand one another pretty well, too. And the mental image of them enduring discomfort to watch Henry’s high school soccer game was too good to pass up.

Wrapping (Game of Thrones) Rated T,  Yara Greyjoy/Daenerys Targaryen, University AU tumblr link, AO3 link, 1379 words Written for the Game of Ships “Until Hell Freezes Over” holiday/winter-themed event. I’m actually the advisor for a service learning club at my university, and those valiant students get run ragged as they try to finish up the term and also do good for their communities. Somehow I imagine that Dany would be that kind of overachiever, and Yara would just as clearly be her dubious but devoted girlfriend. I’ve been leery before of writing student AUs because I’m a teacher and it feels a bit odd, but I liked this AU a lot and might come back to it for writing more Iron Dragon because I’m sure canon is going to be a shit-show next season.

Clarity (Lucifer) Rated T, Gen, Linda Martin & Mazikeen friendship, 2x07 missing scene AO3 link, 2785 words I participated in Yuletide for the first time this year (yes, I know, I’ve somehow been in fandom for-freaking-ever and never done it before) and I matched on one of my newish fandom delights, Lucifer. Though this fandom is growing and probably won’t be eligible next year, sign-ups were before most of the season had aired, and my recipient, Lenore, requested Linda and Maze having a conversation about Heaven and Hell. Well, without getting too deep in to spoiler territory, canon pretty definitively implied that such a conversation occurred sometime between 2x07 and 2x08, so I decided it needed writing. Linda is my favorite character on Lucifer, and Maze is an utter gift. Writing this was a bit stressful (I was making last-minute edits the night before reveals from a hotel room) but I’m happy to have written it and received some lovely comments from folks, including the recipient.

So, all told, per my AO3 stats page I wrote 32,736 words of fanfic this year, which is far more than I’ve ever written in a year before. I also am starting to get a grip on what my strengths and weaknesses are as a writer, which is pretty wild but also motivating. My general approach to writing has long been “use deadlines as motivation, panic at the last minute, write frantically, throw it at the world like a grenade and take cover” and while I’m a good enough writer for that not to be as terrible as it sounds, I know I could be a lot better if I continue to change my approach to writing and write more frequently and steadily. Honestly, because I’m an academic by trade, this applies to my professional writing as well, and fanfic is good practice for me to refine my writing habits, which have vastly improved this year, even if they’re still not where I want them to be in the end. Here’s hoping I can keep it up in 2017.

[jonboudposts]

A Christmas Carol in a Time of Moral Bankruptcy

2018 marked the 175th year since the publication of A Christmas Carol. 2019 sees among other things a new BBC television adaptation and stage version at The Old Vic. Even if you have never read the book, chances are you are familiar with Charles Dickens’ story, or at least parts of it. The storytelling and the moral core are woven into the culture in Britain and America; the story of a man who lives to make money and dominate others finding out, during the course of one Christmas Eve, that his eternal soul will be damned if he does not changed his ways.

There are literally more versions than I can (be bothered) to count. From TV adaptations to classic films to stage productions to school plays; modern-day updates and cartoons; Alistair Sim, Albert Finney, Jim Carrey, Patrick Stewart and Scrooge McDuck have all played Ebenezer Scrooge.

But the reason I am writing this is to discuss the love and hate that this story brings out in me every year; there is nothing I am saying that as not been said before. Yet I feel compelled to say it still.

The story itself is easy to admire, built like so many stories by great writers on simple yet deep story-telling traits and character arcs. It is inventive, with the use of fantasy to push real life struggles into sharper contrast, promoting sympathy; empathy and sadness.

We have our favourite versions; I love the Muppets with Michael Cane giving genuinely I think one of his best performances (singing aside) and the TV version with Patrick Stewart; an underrated one that dials down the schmaltz and shows the hardness of poverty, with a tough performance by Stewart to match. His is a genuine transformation from vicious capitalist to caring human and a very physical one; as he goes from looking like a piece of flint to slowly softening his features as he grows into a better man.

Such performances are celebrated and cherished, making many of those lazy pointless lists every year of favourite past cultural thing you relive because we are incapable of making anything new.

But all of this is perhaps part of the problem I have with the story too. The way we can watch, cry even, at how someone can change their ways and then fail to do anything ourselves for the very people that Dickens wishes us to care about. The story was inspired when Dickens read an 1843 report describing terrible living and working conditions in the Industrial Revolution in Britain. He could read the same thing today and find a callous population sifting through piles of shit to find the pile that does not smell as bad, so they feel superior to each other.

In this world, we can clearly see real Scrooges, except unlike their fictional counterparts, they never learn nor change. They do not need to. Our society and the way culture is organised worships the rich and punish the poor for their perceived failure.

The rich are in fact totally cut off from humanity.

So why should these greedy bastards change? We are never going to make them. The real Scrooges utterly destroy our lives all year long; then expect every Christmas to put that aside and wish each other meaningless platitudes of good will.

The biggest enemy in the story is the carelessness fundamental to ignorance and the damaging power of want. It makes the most vulnerable what they are; victims.

While I do not think the original story of A Christmas Carol is meaningless sentimentality, I think too many experience it exactly that way; feeling elated at the goodwill at Christmastime vibe and stepping over the people in the street on your way out the theatre or cinema. In London for instance, you could attend a performance at a theatre like the King’s Head (formally in Islington) and step out to a modern London as lacking in human warmth as Dickens dreamt of. Up the road is the Union Chapel church, who run a winter shelter, providing food and shelter for those in need. Every year the church has a screening of that other hope-filled story for the season, It’s a Wonderful Life.

Modern Britain still likes to present A Christmas Carol every year despite it teaching us less and less and the years roll by. The world this story is now told in looks like this:

One and a half million people use foodbanks each year

More foodbanks across Britain than MacDonalds

1-in-3 children in poverty; that is 14 million Britons living in relative poverty

Growing benefit claimants in work

Reduction in life expectancy for the poorest

120,000 deaths of people thrown off benefits, including the disabled

The richest 1000 families resident in Britain, which includes bankers and financiers, have doubled their net worth during the austerity era.

Non-British children being charged for citizenship (since defeated in the court, no thanks to the British people).

To top it all, this information being widely known before the 2019 General Election and still the population gave the Conservatives a majority despite them causing all this misery.

Councils in some parts of the UK have embarked on clean up (or you might argue cleansing) campaigns targeting the homelessness in town centres with Public Space Protection Orders (PSPO); homeless people are routinely fined hundreds of pounds and in some cases sent to prison for the ‘repeat offence’ of asking for money. Local authorities in England and Wales have issued hundreds of fixed-penalty notices and pursued criminal convictions for “begging”, “persistent and aggressive begging” and “loitering” since gaining strengthened powers to combat antisocial behaviour in 2014, by Theresa May when she was Home Secretary. Rough sleepers are harassed and landlords (as Mr Scrooge was) have gained far greater powers to evict tenants sooner and with less reason.

Charities and solidarity organisations give the option to buy a coat or hat or gloves for a refugee or homeless person; they however are in no doubt this is a sticking plaster; the purchasers I am not so sure about. It reminds me of something Naomi Klein said about the present order insisting on finding some way to buy our way out of the problem; be it poverty or climate change or a bunch of other shit.

The party that our present Prime Minister leads contains MPs who openly admire the Victorian era and all the social wankery of top-hatted toffs passing the peasantry in the streets. Plus we have sociopathic self-haters like Priti Patel hovering over the Human Rights Act with a metaphorical knife.

Refugees are another group not afforded decency; we deny people their rights, violate those we pretend to give them; punish them for the crime of crossing a boarder and even threaten communities that protect them. The Conservative Party manifesto for 2019 targeted traveller communities with attacks on their rights, including increased powers to take their property.

A child will become homeless 'every eight minutes' in the UK (Shelter, Dec 2019) or suffer insecure accommodation; meanwhile schools have an average of five homeless children.

Ignorance for sure; want for the same people as ever; dire need for change not answered.

Our societies do not embrace those less fortunate than us; we blame them for their own predicament and indulge in poor hate. There seems no bracket of people we can rely on, as even children's writers like JH Rowling indulge in one of modern society's most vile vices, trans-hate.

The empathetic are a dying breed.

Around Christmas people will often give more to charity, commonly Crisis as they run their huge shelters over the festive period in various cities to feed and shelter the increasing numbers of homeless people across Britain. Keeping up with the state of poverty in general and homelessness in particular is no easy task. One reason is we forget about the needs of people the rest of the year and only the magic of Christmas makes them give a shit for a week. This is just liberal conscience-wash if you do not back it up with demands for change in the system, which the British public have just shown they are unwilling to do.

Yet the system – capitalism in the only form it really exists – is embodied by Ebenezer Scrooge. The end of the story is pretty clear; Scrooge stops being cold and heartless; he will no longer allow the market to run without interference. He rejects capitalism for something wholly more humane.

Much of the problem in A Christmas Carol, like It’s a Wonderful Life later on, is the dehumanising effects of capitalism. The individual change required in Ebenezer Scrooge is a rejection of his hardcore individualism and embracing the needs of others, to the point of saving the life of Tiny Tim; his banker counterpart Mr Potter must be defeated by George Bailey and his supporters (although like in the real world, Potter is never jailed). At the beginning of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is a miserable man beset by loneliness and isolation. His nephew refuses to give up on him though, always inviting him from Christmas in his warm, happy home despite constant rejection by his uncle.

The rampant free market gave us Ebenezer Scrooge as an everyday occurrence, year round with no ghosts to haunt them into decency. In the real world, Ebenezer Scrooge does not change his character no matter what happens. He is Philip Green, who dodges taxes, sells off a business knowing it will collapse soon, tries to abandon paying staff their pensions and pours scorn on the elected officials trying to hold him to account for the way they look at him. Green in particular managed the near-impossible in 2018 of seeming even more repulsive, with revelations of abuse accusations from many former BHS staff; from bulling to sexual harassment along with homophobia and a general staggering lack of respect for his staff. He is scum and will never reform.

In the 1980s we had Scrooged, a non-traditional adaptation starring Bill Murray as Frank Cross, a ruthless TV executive whose every cruelty was rather too enjoyable, along with his abusive Ghost of Christmas Present giving him much-needed kicking.

At the end of the film, Cross invades the set of the live adaptation of A Christmas Carol that his over-worked staff are producing, proclaiming that the meaning or power of Christmas is how for one night a year ‘we become the people we always hoped we would be’; that is, we smile more and are nicer to each other. This sums up the 1980s very well and why progressive and socially just forces lost that particular war so badly. This piss-weak response to be a little nicer to each other is why people die in the street. The film is also an example of the age; doing all this good for one night a year (how 1980s).

In Michael Moore’s first film Roger and Me, we witness the General Motors chairman of the title Roger Smith at the GM Christmas party, giving a speech that includes extracts from A Christmas Carol. This is inter-cut with footage from Flint Michigan, the town devastated by GM when they outsourced their workforce to cheaper parts of the world. While this pompous twit quotes Dickens and the wonder of Christmas, a mother and her children are evicted. That scene says more about our culture than any other I can think of in any film.

It is well told but worth remembering that in 2008, when the perfect economic system crashed, the people were responsible were bailed out and did it all over again, with the consequences being completely directed toward the least responsible yet again. The horror this unleashed has never relented.

From a consumer perspective, Christmas never ends. As a postman, I deliver to people massive amounts every day and it is never enough. They answer the door, perfectly politely, take the packet(s) and discard them as they sign and/or shut the door. These wonderful items are given that much thought; just the latest play thing or dress up. Literally discarded before opening because this in one of many deliveries probably that day. I am nothing to them; just a cypher to bring their life a meaning it never gains; I used to like being part of a public service, keeping people connected and possibly educated; now I just feed an addiction. This hyper-consumption will bring the system down again and whose fault will it be this time?

A Christmas Carol’s message is one that every Christmas we seem to get further away from. It is used to stroke the egos of the guilty and make them think nothing else needs to be done. Just be a bit nicer to the people you ignore the rest of the year, maybe even slip them a fiver (although not your postman or other service provider anymore it seems). You do not challenge poverty and homelessness by simply not liking it or giving a bit of pocket change, just like you cannot challenge racism and sexism simply by existing in a certain position socially or economically. However you feel, someone is still sleeping on the concrete tonight.

A Christmas Carol is less a morality tale and more a fantasy; but for the consumer not the writer. In the Britain of 2019, we have no moral right to tell this story. No version should be staged; no adaptation on TV; no school play. It should not entertain, nor pander to the desires of selfish consumer-obsessed grown-babies to make them feel a little better. This country has just voted to make the poor suffer more; to keep the status of 1-in-3 children suffering poverty – which will grow – and destroy the National Health Service. Tiny Tim is just a failure and when he dies, we just move on.

You have no right to a Merry Christmas, nor to discuss god as anything other than a punchline. The fix is in and no one cares. Misery for all is the name of the game today and if you want better, you are a fantasist.

Britain is a horrible little shithole of a country. Mean and worthless, in love with a horrific dream of decrepit empire in a world becoming dangerously hot.

Merry Christmas? Fuck you and your family.