#a friend made me feel neglected af today so i hate them now how's your day been

[tears-and-daggers]

[smolfangirl]

I won’t ever let you go, wait for me to come home

A sound so sweet, of you and me - 15 - First distance

My hands are bitchy af so no big comment, but Mari, don’t read at work, and everyone else: if you need tissues I hope you have them

Word count: 2.9k

Sleep was a bitch. Luna already tossed and turned in her bed for hours, yet she felt wide awake.

She’d tried everything. Counting sheep. Breathing exercises. Relaxing all her muscles. Her favorite sleeping position. Cuddling a pillow, cuddling two pillows.

Relaxing all her muscles while being in her favorite sleeping position and counting sheep.

Nothing set her free of her consciousness. All the empty space around her threw flashes into her mind like a neon sign on an empty highway, kept her eyes from closing.

Matteo would’ve dimmed those lights. He would’ve turned off all the voices and thoughts in her head with just one look, one touch, one kiss. His arms would’ve guided her like a lighthouse, leaded her to a safe haven where she’d find peace for the night.

But he wasn’t there.

Instead, Matteo was somewhere over the ocean, still on a plane or maybe again on a plane. He wasn’t there to be her lighthouse, and without him, she only found an unforgiving, cold sea.

And no sleep.

Eventually, she gave up. Crawled out of bed and sighed at the clock on her night stand telling her that she should long be dreaming. Sneaked into the hallway, her foot already on the staircase when she heard voices out of the living room.

They didn’t sound like her parents, more like this quirky moderator from her mom’s favorite cooking show, and the judge who probably survived on the tears he earned with his harsh critics.

She trotted into the living room.

Her dad rested against the back of the couch, soft snores hushing out every now and then, and his arm loosely wrapped around her mom. They snuggled just like she used to with Matteo during their movie nights.

Luna took a deep breath. Told herself not to be jealous of their parents. It was stupid, and it wouldn’t bring Matteo back either.

“Luna, sweetie, what’s wrong?”, her mom asked, eyes all on her and she wished her mom hadn’t teared apart from the TV. The last time she got out of bed in the middle of the night to see her parents had been years ago, after a particularly haunting nightmare, and nowadays, she told her parents about those in the morning.

In hindsight, missing Matteo left her more shaken than this nightmare.

Her mom elbowed Miguel, who first groaned, peeked through one eye, then blinked slowly at the sight of his daughter. “Huh? Luna? How long did I sleep? Why are you here?”

“I can’t sleep.” Luna sat down on the edge of the couch, feeling her shoulders caving down, feeling small. “At all.”

“Do you want me to make you some tea? Or a hot milk?”

Luna shook her head. Although she had prepared the very same tea for Matteo once he – they both – learned they were soulmates, she doubted it would do any good. Steaming drinks had helped before she knew the healing effect of his embrace, of his featherlight kisses and acapella lullabies. “I don’t want any tea.”

“Oh, sweetie”, her dad stroked her hand, but even her dad, who always knew a solution, or at least the right direction, ran out of words.

“Do you think he’ll come back soon?”

Her parents shared a look too obvious to miss. “Monica, did you give her the box yet?”, her dad finally said. “Which box?”, Luna shot back, heartbeat picking up. “What’s going on?”

Her parents smiled. Two minutes later, Luna did too.

To novio fresa: You are the bestest boyfriend in the world and I love you and I am the luckiest girl to have you

It wasn’t him in the box, of course not. But his favorite hoodie, and his shirts, and his perfume, and a letter she decided to read first thing in the morning. Now she understood why he insisted he had packed those clothes when she knew he hadn’t.

(Could a heart burst from too much love?)

The hoodie didn’t fit her, of course. Too loose on her shoulders, too long on her arms. It was unflattering in all the wrong places. Her dad laughed when he saw her putting it on, mumbling that she looked like a tent.

Yet, Luna never wanted to take it off.

She knew she had to, at least when the scent faded until it no longer reminded her of him. For now, however, she slipped back into her bed and let herself believe Matteo was with her.

It’d been cowardice to assume letting him go at the airport was the hardest part about him leaving.

The hardest part wasn’t watching him leave. It wasn’t falling asleep without being in his arms either. Or maybe it was, had been. Maybe she’d always discover new hardships, no matter how many she already conquered.

This time, it was waking up.

The last images of her dream whirled through her head as the first sun rays of the day danced in front of her eyes. Luna hummed at the familiar scent of her boyfriend tickling her nose, taking a deep breath to fill the tiniest corner of her lungs with it. Her hands slowly reached out in search for him.

They froze mid movement. Only cool air hit them, no one snoozing beside her to be cuddled. She was alone. Would be for who knew how many mornings and days and nights.

Luna sighed.

No new messages from him. If she thought about it twice, a reply likely wouldn’t follow until her afternoon – an infuriating concept. She hated waiting, wanted to turn the clocks but time was a force out of her control and she thought of her dad, who always said patience was a virtue and how she never quite managed to embrace this virtue.

“Did you sleep well?”, her mom asked first thing after Luna walked into the kitchen and sat down by the table.

“Except for the part where I woke up, yeah, I did”, she mumbled while she nipped on her orange juice. Her mom smiled at her, tousling her hair. “It’ll get better, believe me. And maybe he’ll be back sooner than you both know.”

Holding back the sarcastic comment on the tip of her tongue, Luna nodded. No one needed to find out how little she trusted Matteo’s parents.

Skating and meeting her friends was supposed to distract her from the gaping hole by her side for a while. During the last days, no, weeks if she was honest, she had neglected everyone around her for the sake of Matteo.

Now, she found that her mind somehow still paid little to no attention to her friends, despite her best efforts. They sat in the Roller, all gathered around two tables bursting with milkshakes and juices and soda. Vivid chatter erupted, mostly about the first days of summer vacation, it seemed to be the only interesting topic on earth. Jim ranted over the cute dresses she’d seen two days ago in the mall but couldn’t afford all at once. Yam talked about possible matching costumes for the next Open. Ramiro mentioned this new skating park somewhere down the city, while Nina tried to convince Gastón to go to a science exhibition. And Luna… Luna sat there, head in the clouds, heart in Italy.

Back when Matteo and her weren’t dating yet – when the idea of kissing him caused her cheeks to redden – she had thought about how much she was occupied with daydreams of him. The memory, compared to now, made her chuckle. She’d experienced drizzle and named it a storm, she’d come close to a flame and thought she was on fire. She’d called it being in love and had been barely aware of the depths of that feeling.

Now she walked through a storm, now she lit up in flames, now she realized the ocean she floated in.

Everything led back to him. Listening to her friends reminded her of how he usually stood behind her, squeezing her shoulder or stroking her arm or pecking her hair. Putting her skates on reminded her of the time he kneeled down to tie her laces and make lame Cinderella jokes. (She had laughed anyway.) Skating reminded her of all the steps he had shown her, the feeling of defying gravity together, and the trophy on her shelf.

Every path her brain took led back to him. All she wanted was for her feet to do the same.

Novio fresa: I love you too, and I will totally print this message

Incoming video call from chico_fresa

Chica_delivery accepted

He looked different.

Luna couldn’t help but notice the shadows looming over his smile as the window revealing his face popped up on her laptop. Italy changed him, his skin had paled in the winter there, and she spotted the same dark circles under her eyes that her friends complained about as well.

Maybe he didn’t look so much different as far away.

“Chico fresa”, she said, heart skipping a beat. Although she had barely done anything this day so far, she felt out of breath just at the sight of him.

“How’s my favorite chica delivery?”

Her mouth formed a curve, nearly a circle, but her eyes felt like the rain clouds ruining a summer day. She tried to ignore the upcoming tears. “You have more than one chica delivery? I knew I shouldn’t have let you go to Italy, I should’ve just locked you in my room or something.”

With the chuckle that ensued, the little dimples showed up and hushed the sadness in his expressions away. She loved those dimples, she loved seeing him lighting up and she loved the beard he wore, no matter how badly it tickled while she kissed him.

If only she could kiss him now.

“Yeah, maybe”, Matteo replied, then shrugged. “But you can’t tell me you’ve been better, you probably skated into three different people just yesterday.”

“That’s not true!”, she proclaimed only to surrender under his disbelieving glare and his smirk. “I wasn’t skating yesterday.”

“Then you might do that today. Or didn’t you bring your skates with you to Mexico?” Upon the implication – Did you forget them? – Luna realized how much she truly had missed him. Nowadays, missing him was less striking, less obvious. She slept better, went on about her day and focused on her friends more. Kept moving on with her life.

Yet, the dull pain in her chest stayed through every day and as she watched him be his truest fresa self, her heart went up in flames again.

Luna swallowed the knot in her throat down. “No, they’re right here”, she said before she bowed down to pick them up and hold them into the camera. “Unlike you, I bet I at least get to skate. Do you have snow there yet?”

Sighing, Matteo picked his laptop up, tilting the screen until her eyes found the view out of his window. White everywhere. It covered the whole street, the cars, the houses, wrapped the tiniest bits of the world in this stunning blanket.

She’d never seen anything like it. “It’s so beautiful.”

“It’s cold and I’m sick of it”, Matteo grunted.

“So, you don’t like being home?”

“This isn’t home to me. My home is where you are.”

Suddenly, the knot in her throat reappeared. Tears built up in the corner of her eyes. She missed him, she craved him, she wanted to touch him, kiss him, fall asleep next to him. Knowing she couldn’t broke her heart just as much as hearing he missed her so much too.

“Don’t be so corny.” Her voice frayed at the end, the result of choking on her own words because in no way was she able to conceal her yearning for him. “I miss you. It’s not fair that you’re so far away.”

“You know I will come back.”

That got her heart skipping a beat. So far, his parents refused to break their silence over how long they’d stay in Europe, but this sounded like a silver lining, like the end of their suffering and simply the thought sent her into euphoria. “Really? When? Before I’m back in Buenos Aires?”

Hesitation drowned her hopes when Matteo shrugged, no smile on his face. “I don’t know.”

“Oh.” Of course.

“But I promised, remember? Now, look me in the eyes”, he leaned in to the camera until all she saw was half of his face, “And believe me, I will come back.”

At first, she giggled, the close-up pulled everything about him out of perspective and it looked too funny to not laugh. But then, she noticed the reddish hint in his eyes.

“Matteo, did you cry? Is everything okay?”  

For a moment, he stared at her, blank faced. A sigh. More silence.

“I had a fight with my dad.”

Luna frowned. Fights with his dad seemed to be normal for him, yet something still seemed off. His tone, however, told her he had no intention to talk about it, so she nodded. She didn’t plan on fighting with him over his parents, not again, not when she couldn’t hug him afterwards and tell him he deserved better than them.

“But it doesn’t matter, okay? But I want to hear everything about Cancún. Did you buy flowers and put them down where we first met?”

To novio fresa: Good night, love ♥ I hope tomorrow it sucks a bit less than today

He began their Skype session the exact same way he did the last time. And the other two times before that. “So, Luna, who did you run into today?”

As expected, her reaction swayed from eye rolling to an amused chuckle to a suspicious flush of pink color on her cheeks. By now, she had given up on telling him she wasn’t the one to blame for their first encounter. Not because she voluntarily surrendered, no, but because he reminded her of every single time she had run into him or someone else after that.

Perhaps he shouldn’t enjoy teasing her so much about it.

“No one!”, she claimed. Matteo already raised his eyebrow when her expression fell flat out of nowhere. “Except… oh.”

“Oh?”

Oh didn’t sound good. Luna didn’t look good, her reaction didn’t look good. Her eyes avoided the camera, she had stopped mid-sentence, no attempt to speak further and he immediately thought of the worst-case scenario possible. His head provided him with those at least three times a day, yet he had never been so close to believing any of them.

Until now.

“What happened? What is it? Something bad?” Maybe his own voice sounded almost shrill only for him. Maybe he acted more relaxed than he actually felt.

Or maybe not.

Luna sighed. “It’s okay, really, just… something annoying.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

She continued to avoid his gaze, fixing either his hair or some point on the wall behind him, sometimes she stared away from the screen altogether. Whatever had happened, Matteo prayed it wasn’t any of the nightmares in his head.

“Well, I kinda ran into an old friend from school today and we began to catch up on each other’s lives, you know, because we haven’t seen each other in a year and anyway, it was all cool and nice until I told her I found my soulmate and she doubted I was soulmates with a, I quote, ‘major hottie’, let alone dated him. Oh, and apparently I shouldn’t be sure you are my soulmate, because I couldn’t tell right away when I said your name. Apparently you just, again I quote, ‘know it instantly’. Coming from someone who hasn’t even found her soulmate yet. That girl reads too many soulmate fics, if you ask me.”  

At the waterfall of words raining down on him, Matteo blinked. Waited. Took a deep breath. “Wow.”

“I showed her your Instagram, but she still doesn’t really believe you’re not faking it with me.”

Honestly, he wanted to laugh about this. It already tickled his throat, the desire to mock this mindless girl. But he didn’t. He swallowed it down and leaned closer to his laptop, as if somehow he’d feel closer to her. If Luna got this sarcastic, she must’ve been more affected than she wanted to be.

“Luna, hey, listen. To me you’re the most beautiful person on earth, and I am most definitely not faking anything with you. I love you.” (Sappy, an inner voice sounding remarkably close to Gastón commented.) “Don’t listen to that girl, she’s only jealous.”

Finally, a tiny smile on her lips. His heart felt less heavy now. “What, no self-centered ‘I know I’m hot’?”, she answered.

“Well, if you insist…”

Luna shouted before he ever had the chance to come up with a follow-up. “NO! No, I liked it. Thank you.”

“I love you, little moon.” He almost missed the soft smile she sent him because he stole a glimpse at his guitar, wondering if he should change plans and not tell her quite yet about his little surprise. Or his big one.

“I love you too, astronaut.”

To novia delivery: Tell your weird friend to check my Instagram one more time

To novia delivery: And you should check it out too :D

Matteo_fresa uploaded a new video.

This is for my favorite person in the world (@punmast3r don’t complain to me), I love and miss you and I hope we’ll get to sing it together soon #vivesenmi

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I don't know what to do to make me feel full and satisfied rn.

What do I need to do.

I'll watch videos of cats doing stupid shit, watching floribama with my sisters cause they go through similar issues I have or had already and we were all raised in the south, or just being around family that come into town. But I'm tired and terrified to say.

I just wanna be alone and I'm so damn tired of mental shit that I can't really control, memories keep popping back up, good and bad. Grandma. Jay. Shitty Jay. Ratchet shit.

And this job interview is tomorrow and tbh I don't wanna move to pontiac and remember my other, abandoning, emotionally neglectful, uncaring, selfish ass, crazy ex and all our times from spots we went to. Terrell aka Teddy.

He cheated me. Tried to hide that he was sleeping with this trans woman, who looked exactly like a biological male in a skirt, he had the audacity to show me the girl's nudes, and told me after blowing our one day a week meetup off to every two weeks then just once a month...the day I see him he tells me the girl in his phone is actually moving in with him 2 days from today and his dumbass thought I would actually be okay with that shit and he never said the girl was trans or even told me. I found out by watching his story 2wks after I broke up with him. He's a sick, nasty, twisted mf. He saved all the girls he ever fucked in his phone gallery, like he was collecting more of his magic cards that he made more time for each Monday to play games with his friends.. which now that I think about it. He would have rather spent time sleeping around on me with people that looked more like guys, because deep down He's more gay than pan...

That and magic card duels, and work. He only took me out once after he asked me out. And I always took the 1hr regional bus from Flint to go see him because he was always so lazy, making excuses like he's too tired, too sleepy, just didn't even care about how much I was doing just to make quality time together with him happen. I remember even giving up shifts or moving my schedule around just because he never gave up his Monday magic duels and his sleep was more important. He should have just said he was too broke, too overworked for even a serious commitment with me. Instead of pushing me away until he felt he was good and ready. He started pushing time back because he had a hard time getting it in. He gave up on me, because sex was most important to him than our relationship.

And I never wanna see him again either cause he's a fuckboi too. This Job is good money for entry level, but I would hate to move there, get the apartment set up, and hate the job because you gotta meet loan goals and service call requirements each day and I hate being micromanaged....reminds me of Michael's who's petty management kept tagging me for not having enough rewards signed up, when bitches are already signed up, they don't care to sign up even after you tell them the silly Rewards speech and then I'm being micromanaged for going to slow cause we got long lines. Like nahhhhh, I hate sales and retail shit like that for that reason.

That's exactly why I started doing unreal email addresses and shit because manager was playing with my money, cutting back my hours because I wasn't meeting marks. Like bitch if you got me on floor all week, how the fuck do you expect me to catch up on signup goals in one day? Yall stupid af, don't even matter if I'm actually doing my best, pushing myself to not be a bitch at work just because mfs don't appreciate how much effort you put in.

I'd rather work easy, project based jobs where I can complete it today or the next day. Not oh if you don't hit 20 or 12 people sales, you're done. You're fucked. You're fired, and now you got rent due within the next week and a half and you're depressed because that one time you thought you could get out your parents house, the scales of the system at your new, good paying job, busted your city view and the next time you think about running away from it all, you can't because you can't trust people the same way your heart used to care. And you ain't made new, safe friends yet who ain't out to steal from you, trying to get you to have sex with them, or take advantage of you in some way like you been hurt and let go of, let down because you opened yourself up to the wrong people who didn't even care to appreciate you for who you are and trick you into doing things for them that you didn't want to do or didn't know they were doing behind your back or in front of your face to get a reaction.

I hate manipulators. And I know how to do it back to them. I just hate that everything had to change for me to see that these people I used to like and were involved with sexually and romantically.....

Repulsed me and pushed me away, like I was the scum barnacle stuck to them, or the bubble gum stuck at the bottom of Jay's shoe...cause that's what they referred to me as once, bubble gum.

These people were the absolute worst pieces of shit, and treated me bad like I deserved it, as if I needing love, attention, and quality time, and not just sex was a deal breaker....they used me, played me, and led me on some more so they could use my body like a toy again. Terrell even asked me out again and didn't even know why I broke up with him, when I explicitly sent multiple texts explaining why and how pissed off I was about how hurt I was by his actions. He still pretended like nothing was wrong with him and that I would just take him back. When he acted like only seeing me once a month was fucking normal and we live 30 minutes away from each other and he only wanted me to text him on Snapchat....when Babygirl, the trans woman, was calling and texting him.

I'm glad she dumped him for her ex, cause now he knows how it feels. He was having her as his sub, in a ddlg. He said he liked her more because she was mean to him and I wasn't.

Wtf is wrong with these idiots 😤

[valkerymillenia]

I ask all 50!!! Fill us with fun facts about you!

Holy shit, again?! I’m not that interesting, you know?But ok, I’ll try, I’ve already answered some though.

1: What color are your socks?

Answered.

2: Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

Answered already!

3: What is something you regret in the past month?

So much wasted time…

4: Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’ve answered this before- no, I believe in attraction at first sight; love, however, needs to be earned, grown and nourished.

5: When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on paper?

Do notes to translate conversations into paper for my deaf dad count? If so, then today.If you mean real letters… I honestly don’t remember.

6: How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? Who taught you?

Answered!

7: Do you get along with your parents? Why or why not?

Oh my gods, this is such a loaded question…Ok, I’ll try to keep it simple. Who am I kidding? That’s not possible.

Mom- ok so my mom is denial of any form of mental illness but she clearly has manic depression and war PTSD since forever. So as a result my mom has always been a bit aloof, irresponsible, neglectful, super permissive, a sneaky opportunist and a slightly childish and impulsive. Never thinks ahead, just goes nuts on the moment or spends too much time asleep (no in between).So my mom wasn’t the best mother in the world, she was a great caregiving and spoiling mother when we were babies but as soon as we gained minimal independence (aka around 5 years old) she just slacked off on the motherhood department. She’s not very bad, she’s just irresponsible and opportunistic and won’t interfere if we need help which doesn’t suit a mother but she’s a great person so she makes a very good friend (as long as you set boundaries and basic duties), she’s funny and sweet and a bit geeky, she’s also beautiful and used to be a model before I was born so she’s that fashion and beauty oriented friend (if fact she’s a certified beautician and taught me all she knows).So… Complicated relationship, lots of love but not the best mom (can’t blame her, grandma was a bitch).

Dad- I love him, he raised me, but I was also his main caregiver since I was 10 since he’s deaf and crippled. He’s a funny and permissive dad (except when he had explosive bouts of rage but that was a phase…a traumatic and slightly violent phase around the divorce time but short), he tried to be a provider and friend with shared interests with me. BUT he was also quite neglectful, being deaf made him very introverted, paranoid and isolated so he just let me run wild (I didn’t, I was taking care of the house and school instead) while he was cooped up playing pc games. We have that friendly daddy’s girl relationship but we both lack trust, we keep our more important thoughts to ourselves and I’m always afraid that as a deaf person he’ll misunderstand important things or judge me for whatever (and he’s always also feeling judged) so our relationship often feels shallow, he’s also the type in denial about people’s mental illness.

Biological father- Fucking complicated. As a little child he babysat me and was our neighbor so I was always hanging out and getting candy, he was also the person that cherished me the most to take hundreds of photos of me. I moved at age 5 so after that we only communicated through my grandma when she traveled between countries, he’d send me presents and worry about me. I only found out he was my progenitor when I was 10 and it took me years to accept it. Saw him again when I was 18, in fact it was like shock therapy- I spent a whole month living with him as I visited my hometown again. He likes to spoil me as much as he can and he’s very kind but also naive and stubborn and not the type that likes to talk about feelings or important things so talks between us are extremely awkward chitchat.

Stepdad- Terrible relationship. He’s the kind of person that is a caregiver for us all out of duty but then uses that to emotionally manipulate everyone. He’s small minded, old fashioned and selfish and blames everyone for his problems, he also seems to have a personal thing against me- pretty sure he doesn’t hate me but I’m his natural verbal punching bag, anything I say or do in front of him, no matter how innocent, even standing still for a moment or asking to pass the juice at dinner, he twists everything into insults and psychological abuse. Luckily my sister is his baby so she escapes his judgement but he wasn’t that much of a present parent to her either and let her run wild a lot (I’m so glad I could turn that around and teach her to be way more responsible than her parents). The only reason I don’t totally hate him is because he gave me sister, who I love most in the world.

8: What’s your favorite season?

Answered!

9: Do you currently like someone?

Yup, also answered before.

10: Have you ever used an Ouija board?

I know how but I never used it, as a Wiccan my preferred specialty for spiritual communing was pendulum scrying.

11: What’s the last song you sang?

“Havanna” by Camilla Cabello has been stuck in my head for weeks.

12: What’s your favorite scent?

Telling me to choose just one fav of anything is hard af… But here are some favs.

Fresh peppermint, lavender, petrichor, burnt eucalyptus, baby powder, sea water, freshly baked bread, and oddly enough- gasoline.

13: What’s your favorite urban legend?

Can’t choose favs but off the top of my head… La Llorona.

14: What’s a bad habit that you have?

Procrastinating.

15: What’s a strange habit that you have?

All my odd stims and ocd rituals.

16: What’s the first instrument that you learned to play?

Answered.

17: How would you describe your ‘type?’

Already answered in the previous ask meme.

18: Would you rather stay in or go out?

Both, when I go out I make it special and try to make the most of it because it’s rare… But I guess I do prefer the safety and routine of staying home.

19: What was the last thing you said to your mom?

“Never going to see what you borrowed from dad again, am I? This is why people don’t trust you, you never keep your promises…

Well, whatever! How are the stitches? You’re better, right?

Ok, put my sister on. Kisses, bye.”

20: Do you want to get married someday?

Already answered in the previous asked meme.

21: Have you ever snuck out?

Not that I needed to with my kind of parents but yeah, a couple of times.

22: Can you sing well?

I love to sing but whether I’m good or not is up to the listener, I can post a song sample if anyone wants.

23: What’s an embarrassing thing that happened this week?

Other than grovelling desperatly for help?

24: When was the last time you went sledding?

Never?

25: Have you ever/do you liked someone you know you can never be with?

Yeah.

26: Do people often mispronounce your name?

Yes! If you’re not a Portuguese speaker, I DARE you to pronounce my surname. Go ahead- Coelho.

27: Would you like to live in another country?

I do miss my home country, South Africa holds my heart… and I’ve dreamed of a stint in Japan. But all in all, I like this country, it’s…interesting, safe.

28: Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows?

Not really, they tend to be too over the top and stereotypical. 

29: Who was the last person you said you loved to?

Boyfriend.

30: What’s something you’d like to be better at?

Follow through.

31: Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad?

Very often, Some right here on tumblr.

32: What was the last thing you cooked?

Chili con carne. Been eating leftovers of it for a whole week now.

33: Do you think you would make a good parent?

Answered already.

34: Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Answered!

35: Where is your best friend right now?

Given the day and time, my sister is probably at dance practice now.

36: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Depends if I’m making an effort (an hour) or if I’m just being casual (20min).

37: How late do you usually stay up at night?

Answered.

38: When was the last time you cried and why?

I don’t know… 

39: Have you ever won a contest?

Yes, started this year by winning a Justice League pop contest. But that was more of a giveaway... Actual contest? I won a couple b of art contests before but nothing big.

40: Can you draw well?

I have art posted here so you tell me.

41: Would you ever date someone you met on Tumblr/the internet?

Sure. I already do.

42: What was the last thing you ate?

….Bread.

43: Do you think you’re/you’d make a good boyfriend/girlfriend?

I sure hope so, I try my best… But to be honest I don’t think I’m a very good partner.

44: Have you ever had a near-death experience?

About 6 actually.

45: What do you think people think of you?

I don’t know… I’ve been told I make people feel comfortable and I’m easy to open up to? But to be honest I don’t really know.

46: What is your middle name and do you like it?

Augusto. My mom’s maiden name, because that’s how it works here (Name+ maybe 2nd name + mom’s surname + dad’s surname). 

Yes, I like it, it’s latin. But people sometimes mix it up with my paternal grandma’s first name.

47: Are you close with either of your parents?

In my own way, yes. Both mom and dad.

48: Do you like yourself?

Some days…

49: State five facts about your appearance –

-I get a lot of comments on my boobs and I really don’t mind

-I look pale because I stay inside a lot but I tan very easily, probably because my mom is dark

-I love my tattoos, I’m proud of them

-I wear glasses or contacts in important occasions 

-I have the worst time looking people in the eye

50: State five facts about your personality –

-I’m patient but full of anxiety

-I don’t have just one personality

-I try to be as unbiased and non-judgmental as possible

-I’m obsessive about random things

-I like solitude but I also like interacting (though the more non-physical the better)

[mysticscanlations]

That Summer Chapter 90 Translation!

TIME FOR HB’S BRIEF BACKSTORY GUYS... IT’S DEPRESSING AF

top 3 rated comments from the Comico site are posted at the bottom of the translations ^^

Title: Welcome, First Time To My House? (T/N: lol I bet author-nim's a lowkey ARMY)

Small text: Ah

YW: Stairs, stairs!

-It's on the 2nd floor.

YW: At home? There's no one.

-Mom's still working outside—

YW: It'll still be a while till she gets back.

-..Why are you so surprised?

(T/N: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

YW: It's on the left.

Small text: Haha

YW: Aren't you glancing around too much?

-There's not much to see, hurry and come in.

SFX: Click

SFX: Creak—

SFX: Close..

YW: Get comfortable.

YW: Whew—

-Maybe I should've bought something refreshing from the store on the way back.

YW: It's way too hot.

-Let's open the window first—

SFX: Rattle—

SFX: Flap..

YW: Sit next to me.

-The rotation mode on this thing is broken so it doesn't turn.

SFX: Clatter

YW: This side's cool, Hee Bum.

YW: Now that I think about it, it's the first time.

YW: For me to bring someone to my house..

HB: Thanks for inviting me.

YW: When I was in elementary school, I went to my friends' houses a lot.

-But I've never invited them to my house.

YW: Even though it's a really meaningful house to my mom and I.

YW: I didn't want to look poor and shabby in front of anyone.

YW: Just watch.

YW: I'm going to live better than any of those guys who grazed my shoulder.

-With my own strength.

HB: Ah—

-It must be nice for you, hyung.

YW: What?

HB: You're choosing the path you want and living that way.

-And you have a good relationship with your mom.

HB: I have none of that.

-My parents are complete dead-ends. I can't do anything that I want to do.

SFX: Pft—

HB: Huh...?

-What, why are you laughing?

YW: No—

YW: I was just thinking that in the end, you're just another typical Tae Poong High young master.

YW: They can do that if you self-reflect, your back is warm, and your stomach is full.

Small black text: Huh....?

YW: You receive all you can receive,

-and you enjoy all you can enjoy.

YW: If you have a conscience, then you should at least live by listening to your parents.

HB: Don't make me laugh!

HB: You can live that way, then!!

HB: … Hyung, you don't know anything about my family.

HB: You know, my father's an awful neat freak.

-If the label of a bottle in the fridge isn't completely facing forward, he'll lose it.

HB: And... whenever he sees me,

HB: he always looks at me like he looks at those mispositioned bottle labels.

White text: Almost as if I was the only stain in his life—

Text: Father used to be known as “rags to riches”. Whenever I ran into people, they would grab me and tell the story of how he would only wear socks when he went to his friend's house for fear that they'd get a hole in them.

Text: The king of personal connections, he went to Tae Poong High and then Seoul University. He was the eloquent student body president, and no one could dislike him.

Text: Back then, father met a girl who had been in the same class as him.

-He said he truly loved her.

Text: Even now, when he drinks, he'll occasionally bring up that story.

Text: Father also had another dream.

-It was to have power that nobody could look down on.

Man: Mr. Kang.

-Have some tea before you go.

Text: At that time, Father was taking private lessons at Seongbuk-dong.

-It seems a wealthy man's only daughter took a liking to Father.

Man: Mr. Kang, did you say that you were aiming towards politics?

Text: In order to get started, he needed money.

Text: Father threw away his first love and married the wealthy man's daughter.

Text: But there was no way for that marriage to go smoothly.

Text: Father couldn't forget his first love.

Text: But it was too late. After seeing her passing out wedding invitations at the class reunion, he disappeared before her eyes.

Lady: Kya!!

Worker: I apologize, I apologize, Congressman.

-This worker is still undergoing training...

HB Father: It's alright.

Worker: I'm very sorry.

-You, hurry and apologize too!

Lady: Are you really alright?

HB: The woman who looked just like his first love

-was working part-time to gather money for tuition.

HB: The age difference with my dad was probably...

HB: Around 15 years..

HB: In order to protect his assets, my grandfather

-interfered in every policy my father proposed.

HB: Whenever that happened, my father went to meet with the woman who looked like his first love.

-And he looked down on her.

Text: You should resemble your father—

HB: He'd ask why she was such an idiot.

Text: If you don't want to be hated by your father, you have to study hard.

HB: Whenever she made a mistake,

-he'd ask why her brain was so... dumb.

Text: Got it?

HB: Whenever she tried to run away,

HB: he bought her bags, he bought her a car.

-When she had a kid, he even bought her a house.

Text: You definitely must be that way—

HB: But in the end,

-the woman ran away by herself again when the kid was 7 years old—that's right, that kid was me.

HB: Before things got out of hand, Father must have convinced grandfather that he would raise me.

-Grandfather didn't want Father's political career to end. His only daughter was also sterile.

HB: —That time, I went to my grandparent's home for the first and last time.

Text: Hee Bum, dad will follow you in right away. Wait in the garden.

Text: Father probably went to go smoke a cigarette.

-Back then, even the slightest thing prompted him to go smoke.

Small text: Wow..

White text: Ah—....

White text: Hi? You must be Hee Bum...

(T/N: BREH his dad is so messed up wtff)

HB: ..From then on, Father acts like he's a successful politician,

-but he ruined too many people's lives. That guy is

HB: extremely~

HB: selfish.

YW: Come here.

YW: ...Since you hugged me before.

HB: … You know, hyung. Keep what I just told you a secret.

-I don't usually tell this to anyone...

YW: It's usually like that.

-It always happens when you go to a friend's house.

-Isn't that why everyone wants to go to each other's house when they become friends?

Small text: Is that so

HB: Somehow I feel a bit refreshed after talking.

HB: Can I come visit again?

YW: After the CSAT, come whenever.

YW: I'll walk you to the station.

-Let me use the bathroom real quick.

YW thoughts: I got absolutely no studying done today.

HB: You used the bathroom back at the station before, though.

SFX: Splash—

SFX: Creak

SFX: Tap

HB Father: I enjoyed reading this.

-I read it very carefully.

HB Father: While reading it, I was reminded of my younger self.

HB Father: Since I also grew up in a similar circumstance as you.

HB Father: A circumstance similar to neglect,

HB Father: excluded by the others.

HB Father: Who would I resent?

-As Sartre said, we're just starting with our existence that was thrown into this world.

HB Father: They say you can choose between two things.

HB Father: Either stay where you are or move forward.

HB Father: Some might see the choice as irrational,

-but choosing between the two can be quite simple.

HB Father: I chose to move forward.

-Like you did.

HB Father: From what I see, we're quite similar.

YW thought: Now that I think about it, he did say something like that...

-That we're similar.

YW thought: But after hearing that guy's story, it wasn't a compliment...

YW thought: Then again, I think he also said that.

Black text: —Maybe you'll be a good mentor for my son—

Text under symbol: Lose-lose situation

(T/N: I'm not 100% on this translation T___T If anyone knows what that character means, maybe it'll make more sense)

Small text: Um..

YW thought: By chance, if there comes day my relationship with Hee Bum gets found out, things will get really complicated.

-This is the absolute worst situation..

1st rated comment: Today we've seen all of both children's pain.. Even if I already knew, I can feel it even more now ㅠㅠ

2nd rated comment: Because Yoo Won and Hee Bum were in a small space together, I unknowingly got nervous while reading lolol ha,,,,,, lololololol

3rd rated comment: I can understand why Hee Bum was so obsessed with Yoo Won now ㅜㅜ I expected the father was bad, but he's worse than I thought...

[enchantechante]

22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.

[2centsofsilver]

12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”