#a professional and a people pleaser even if it’s hurting him badly

[f1-obsessed333]

Daniel apparently told Marcus Ericsson that:

“He couldn’t find any joy in what he was doing at the moment and that he just wanted the season to end”

“That whatever he thought the car would do in any give situation it just does the opposite and that he had no faith or confidence when driving the car”

Marcus also described the meeting like “Daniel just seemed broken”.

[clairedaring]

if you're hoping for joe 2.0 to get his 'revenge' in the second half of the series...

warning: mild novel spoilers (but also not really because i'm just discussing things that have been shown in the trailer)

i really think you should either drop the series or give up the hopes of a satisfying makjang revenge storyline in my stand-in instead of setting yourself up for disappointment. because that simply isn't the story that my stand-in is trying to tell.

so what is my stand-in about really?

well, for me i think its a romance tragicomedy drama about an idiotic scum male lead losing the person he loves most because of his own arrogance and refusal to listen to his heart and the series of unfortunate events that happened consequently for our protagonist who was living a peaceful and quiet life as a stunt actor before the scum male lead entered his life.

joe 2.0 and his approach to life

i've mentioned it twice now that one of my favorite traits of joe/zhou xiang is that kindness in his strength where even if he can be choose to be mean or cruel, he simply doesn't because he has such a soft heart and he's weak to see others in pain (joe is my fellow enfp people pleaser okay) (⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ which is why even in his 2.0 life, you won't get to see joe turning 180 degree and going around to hurt everyone who's ever hurt him like it's some makjang kdrama.

and while that seems like it could be fun, i think the reason why i loved professional body double (my stand-in novel) so much in the first place is because that very distinction between joe and other rebirth/second chance at life protagonists that you often see in revenge kdramas/cdramas/thai lakorns.

logically, if my stand-in was a 24-episode one31 lakorn/thai soap opera, joe would be full of hatred and burning rage after his rebirth and started his intricated revenge plot while still falling in love with ming whom he should hate the most.

and yet he isn't (or at least it seems to me so far).

if you read the lyrics 'Die For You' - the opening ost of my stand-in, i think you can have a good guess of what the second half of the story will be like.

Even running away to death can't help. If my heart had chosen to stop at you I'll have to surrender with the confusion I feel. To come back to the same old place. Even if I have to die, disappear and then be reborn But the love is still buried deep inside, even if it's been shattered into pieces Even if my life ends, I can't stop my heart from calling out to you Because this whole body, life, spirit It is yours only, for all eternity.

and even from the trailer of my stand-in, you can tell that joe 2.0 has a lot of internal conflicting feelings about whether he could trust ming again after the betrayal he faced in his 1.0 life. and i feel like essentially the journey of ming proving to joe 2.0 that he really does love joe is very much the central plot in the second half part of the story.

so i'd like to take this part to note how well the series has done to adapt the novel so far. i think a good adapted change they've made is this early realization of feelings for ming in the joe 1.0 timeline. i do think the novel made him realized his feelings a little bit later but my stand-in did well to show within ep.3 what happiness could have looked like for joe 1.0 and ming and i think it rationalizes a bit more more for why joe 2.0 would still have feelings for ming 'buried deep inside' even when he's been badly hurt the first time around. and reading the story i've always found it interesting that they took this route to focus on the re-entangled complex relationship between mingjoe rather than going for a joe-centric revenge makjang plot (i swear if this was your typical thai lakorn, joe would seduce ming while planning to take down his whole family or something).

of course, that's not to dismiss that there's a lot of character growth for joe in the second half of the story, especially in his building of self-confidence, self-worth, the ability to put himself first and the fight for his own happiness above all. but like i've mentioned above, his growth journey is not at the expense of a drastic personality change in regards to the kind hearted joe we saw in his 1.0 life. instead, we get kind hearted joe 2.0 who quickly adapts to his new life and attempts to start anew while conflicted feelings resurface for him as he is pulled back into the relationships he once had.

all in all, my stand-in is still at the heart of it, a love story. perhaps, a dark romance as my friend @dragonsandphoenix would call it, but a romance nonetheless. i think that is what also makes professional body double such a compelling read too, because the progression in the feelings and complex emotions of these characters are so tightly written that it's convincing enough for me (maybe not for others though) to believe that yan ming xiu has/will always love zhou xiang (to the point ymx would probably eliminate anyone else who dared to steal zx from him). obsessive love? yes. do they both need therapy? probably. yet i still believe in their happy ending? of course.

final note/disclaimer: then again, this is just my PERSONAL opinions based on the novel and up til 3 episodes of my stand-in (which seems to be very faithful to the novel so far), who knows maybe they can anger novel fans and adapt it completely differently later on (something i sure hope they don't but we'll seeeee) ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

[balarsen22]

Therapy 4/25

We started out talking about my face (I have a really nice black eye from a high block at practice last night). She thought that Bruise needed consequences for it, but its roller derby, and i know she wouldn't have hit me in the face on purpose. She asked me if I made a list of things to talk about,and the rest of the session we went through the list. It was very businesslike to be honest.

I started with saying that its ED week, and that I’m going to see a nutritionist at the end of the week, and that she specializes in sports nutrition and eating disorders. She asked what I was hoping to find out, and I wanted to know what the end goal should actually be. She asked what I would do if she wouldn't tell me, and I said at that point I would find someone that would. She told me that I was really stubborn, and I retorted that I know that already. She also said that I’m a bit of an elitist when it comes to treatment, that I think I know better. And that I could just keep looking around and at some point I would find someone who would agree with me and tell me what I wanted to hear, but it didn't mean I was right I argued that if I was shown the science behind what they told me, that I would listen, but started to get really annoyed and then went numb. She said she assumed that I would want to stay at the calories I was at until I met with the nutritionist on friday. I said I would probably want to stay at where I was at anyways, and she commented that I would find any excuse to not have to increase my intake. That hurt, and it was really hard not to get defensive. I didn't respond to her comment.

She asked what else was on the list, and I told her about retaking the equipment exam and how I would've had 100%. It sucks that I still will have a 7% on it. She commented that at least I know I would get through it, and I said that Dr. Hellyer mentioned that he’s not worried about me being on clinics, so that's good at least.

We moved on to the next thing on the list, and I told her about my little freak out of whether or not people could tell if something was going on with me.I had 3 different doctors ask me between Friday and saturday how I'm doing, in that voice people get when they're genuinely asking, and they're people that normally don't. I've worked with Dr Kawcak for like 3 years and he's never asked me (or anyone else that I've seen) if everything's going ok before, but he asked me on Friday. And I had 2 different clinicians on saturday when I was on call ask how everything is going/ if everything's good. And Pounder asked me saturday morning if everything was alright with me. And holly asked friday at lunch If I was ok. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but since I can't accurately evaluate my appearance because my eating disorder distorts the image, I never truly know what I look like. I was probably making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, but it's stressing me out. Jessica said that she only sees me twice a week in her office, so she couldn't really say. I told her that  I texted Megan about it, and read her the reply: "I don't think there is anything that makes you 'look' like something is wrong. That being said those who have spent some time knowing you can see when you may be having an off week or days that are not great. I would say it is more in your actions than appearance. Like you zone out more and are not 100% engaged when you are having a bad day. The only thing appearance wise that people can probably pick up on is if you look tired because you have gotten less sleep than normal. In that case, anyone could then ask and if they ask, it is out of genuine concern because they care about you and value you. It isn't a bad thing when someone asks, it is more likely they want to help you if you have a problem that you want to share. She asked if maybe they heard about the anesthesia exam and asked about that, but I don't think that would really spread around the hospital like that, to different departments. She said that I didn't look tired to her, but again she only sees me in her office twice a week so she couldn't be sure. She asked why it matters so much, and I actually wasn't 100% sure. I just don't like people to know I’m struggling, not like I am at least. She asked me how my mood has been. I said its been up and down. Well not really up, but neutral and down. That I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. She asked if I thought I still needed to go to treatment. I said that I honestly didn't know. There’s a lot of times that I think I need to, but I’ve had moments that I’ve been okay. And I haven't been quite so bad as I had been. She asked what I thought contributed to feeling better, and the only thing I could come up with was that I’ve been getting more sleep. She thought that contradicted with what I just said about being tired, but even though I’m getting more sleep than I was i’m still not getting a lot. She left it at that, and asked me what else was on the list.

I asked if I actually had borderline personality disorder too, because that's what TK had told me. She said that factitious and bpd are intertwined, as both are the attention seeking behavior, but with my relationship issues I also fit the criteria for bpd, and it's hard to tease apart. She did say that most people for factitious don't actually seek treatment, so tk probably just assumed bpd. I got really hard on myself about being attention seeking, but also didn't say anything because I know its true. I’m an attention seeking little prat. She said that diagnoses aren't what's important though, it's more just being aware of what I do. She asked what I felt about it, and I didn't really feel anything about it. I just was thinking about it and wanted to know. She asked if I still talk to a lot of people from TK, and I said there’s a few that I talk a lot with- molly, jenna, corrine. She asked me where everyone lives, and I mentioned that corrine might be coming to denver for an internship this summer. When I told her she was looking at being a nutritionist, she commented how many dieticians and nutritionists have had or still have eating disorders. I said that it makes sense- at least with me, I obsess about food. I obsess about the nutrition and how it affects my body and I want to know as much about it as possible. I want to know the science behind it. So it doesn't surprise me.

We moved onto the last thing on the list, and I said how I was talking to sarah and she was complaining about someone hitting on her, and I got to thinking that I don't even know what it's like. I know I don't really put myself in situations that it could happen, and I don't even really know if I want to date. Like I feel like I’m missing out on something I should be doing, that normal people are doing, but other than that I don't really feel the need. She said that maybe I should start putting myself out there and figuring it out, but I’m terrified of datingt. She asked me what I was afraid of, and I guess the main thing is the physical aspect of it. Even just saying the words out loud made my stomach drop and my chest tighten. She said that she thinks that because I like hugs so much that with the right person, it might not actually be as scary as I think, and that I might actually really enjoy it and take comfort in it. That I wouldn't have to do anything I wasn't ready for. But the thing is, I’m such a people pleaser and want so badly to be socially “normal” that I’m afraid that if I’m pressured that I would, even if I'm not ready (I didn't know how to say that though). I was so uncomfortable talking about it. I also didn't say how I’m wondering if i should just find some random tinder hook up and screw someone to just get it out of the way, so I don't end up the 40 year old virgin. She asked if I ever talked with Megan about it, which I don't really. she told me I should ask her, and tell her I’m thinking about giving it a try. I said okay, but I’m definitely nervous about it. She suggested waiting until summer, and getting through the end of school first, which I’m all for waiting on it. In the meantime, she wants me to notice what I’m attracted to. just notice for now, and then once summer starts, begin figuring it out. God, I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it. It's just so uncomfortable. Really, anything sexually related makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know why. It just always has. I didn't tell her that either though. I can't imagine someone actually wanting to do anything physical anyways.

We just chatted like normal people at the end. (I learned that she loves mini animals).  Thursday is EMDR day, she wished me luck with giving blood. I wanted to ask when her wedding was, but wasnt sure if it was appropriate so I didn't.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her calling me an elitist for the rest of the day though. I feel like I’m just done putting up with bullshit that I don't think is going to help, not an elitist. Amanda texted me later on that night about having multiple professionals tell her she needs to go back to treatment, but that her ED voice is so strong and she so badly wants to hold onto it. I responded to her: “I can understand that. ED is an asshole, but he’s a very convincing asshole. And its so hard when you’re the one fighting him 24/7. Sometimes you need some people to help you fight, and treatment is where you’re going to get that. But when it comes down to it, it is always going to be your choice. but I do want you to know that ED is a liar. you are worth recovery, you deserve to live a long, healthy, happy life. but fighting day after day wears you down, and its hard to believe that all the time when you have that voice in the back of your head that is telling you differently. In my experience, living with an eating disorder is paradoxically much easier when I am sicker. Then, my aims in life are, essentially, to restrict and lose weigh, get rid of fat, t. Nothing else matters much. , all the loneliness, guilt, fear are shoved under the rug by the overwhelming drive to starve, the only clear thing in my fuzzy, food-deprived mind. It’s a bleak, joyless existence, but so straightforward. This all changes, though, when I try to recover, or even just get a little better. Suddenly, things matter again. I feel. I want. I empathize. I care. There are too many decisions. I hate myself for eating and I hate myself for not eating. My body is a massive burden I have to drag along with me. It’s intensely uncomfortable, when it isn’t painful. It’s scary. It’s complicated. It makes me want to go back to my ED, and sometimes I do. But I’m trying to believe that it will be worth it in the end. Because a life with ED isn’t actually living.” It made me decide that what jessica had said earlier was right- that I wouldn't listen to a dietician unless they told me what my eating disorder wanted to hear. So I decided to cancel the appointment on friday, and up my calories for the week. I texted her wednesday morning and also told her to up the contract to 1725 this week. I also said how much I hate it when she calls me out on stuff and she’s right. I said it lightly (i added lol at the end), but I really am frustrated with her. But maybe its more my eating disorder brain that's frustrated with her?