Before You Go
Title: Before You Go (AU)
Summary: He’s lost everything he has ever loved. She’s trying to mend her broken heart . They’ve only got one night together.
Author: deanssweetheart23
Characters: Dean Winchester x reader, Jo Harvelle, Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer, Jody Mills (all mentioned)
Word count: 4049 (but worth it)
Warnings: Fluff. Angst. Some language. Allusions to sex. References to loss and grief.
Author’s Notes: This is my contribution to @percywinchester27‘s “PJO Quotes Challenge”. Ana, thank you for letting me participate, granting me a generous extension, and being a wonderful friend. I hope you love this.
Special thank you to my beautiful sunflower @trexrambling because this wouldn’t have been the same without her help. She’s amazing.
My prompt for this was “I won’t go looking for trouble. I usually don’t have to” and it’s included in bold in the text below. This is loosely based on Before We Go with C.Evans and A.Eve (do yourself a favor and watch this movie, it’s brilliant) and highly inspired by All The Pretty Girls by Kaleo (*cough* one of Jared’s favorite songs *cough).
Thank you for all your love, guys. Enjoy <3
Dean still can’t believe Jo Harvelle is married.
He’s standing in the middle of the wooden roof deck where the reception is taking place, surrounded by buffet tables with linens and vases with roses and tulips and white candles and an outdoor fireplace –an actual outdoor fireplace- and he still can’t believe that his best friend, the girl with the piggy tails and the innocent blue eyes that reminded him so much of the sky when he was a kid, is married.
It’s not that he’s not happy for her.
If anything, there is no one that deserves to be loved and cherished more than Jo does, but it’s unsettling, almost terrifying to see the world he has managed to build for himself changing without his consent. It’s like everyone he knows, everyone he’s always known, family and friends and people he’s grown up with, are shifting, altering shapes and sizes and essence while he’s watching life pass him by, still trying to cope with the turn his life has taken over the past couple of years. They have plans, have their lives neatly figured out and fit into boxes, but him?
He has nothing.
Taking a deep breath, he runs a hand over his face and reaches for his glass again, signaling the bartender for another round.
“You know,” a soft voice pulls him out of his thoughts, “my dad always said that when a guy’s drinking all alone at a wedding, someone probably broke his heart.”
Dean snorts a little at the words and turns to tell the stranger that her father probably didn’t know him, but stops when he realizes that the girl standing before him is the one that had saved him from one of the groom’s drunk aunts earlier that night.
She’s clad in one of long chiffon dresses Jo seems to despise with everything she has, and though Dean already knows she’s beautiful, the little observation stored somewhere in the back of his mind, he can’t help but acknowledge it again now that she’s leaning against the bar, lips curled up in a perfect smirk as her eyes flicker over his features.
He grins.
“Or,” he says, hand curled around his glass, “he’s just hoping that the pretty girl that saved him from Martha Stewart Junior will join him.”
She laughs, a rich, loose laugh that’s warmer than whiskey as it seeps into his bones.
“Pretty, huh?”
“Among other things.” Dean says, looking up at her through his lashes. A sincere smile, and then, “I never got to thank you for that, by the way.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it.” She slides in a seat next to him. “Mildred can be really sweet, but she gets way too handsy when she’s drunk.”
“You know her?”
“Everyone here does.” She shrugs. “She’s the groom’s aunt.”
He snorts, eyes going a bit narrow. “You’re kidding me.”
“Nope. His family, uh,” she glances towards a group of people to her left, then turns to him again, “they’re interesting people.”
His lips twitch upwards. “You don’t like them.”
And it might be more of a statement than a question, but he’s not surprised when she nods in agreement because though he knows nothing about her, he does know how to read people, and the way she juts her chin and puckers her forehead when she mentions Dave’s family is the only evidence he needs.
“I don’t like all of them.” She gnaws on her bottom lip, seemingly thinking about something, then sighs and shakes her head. “Do you see that guy over there?”
He peeks over his shoulder gingerly.
A man in his late twenties is talking to Dave and Jo and, despite the fact Dean doesn’t even know him, his brash smile is enough to make him hate the guy.
“You mean the James Dean wannabe?”
A snort.
Amusement dancing in her eyes.
“Yeah, that. That’s Dave’s brother.” She shifts a little as she speaks and then-
“Please, tell me you didn’t date that douche.”
“Yeah, I was actually engaged to that douche.” She scoffs and, even though he knows she’s trying hard not to strap her words with emotion of any kind, the words are laced with melancholy as they leave her mouth.
He knows better than to comment on it.
“He seems…special.”
“That’s one way to put it,” she deadpans, drawing her head back. “Our relationship was…rocky, I guess. But I was young, and we were high school sweethearts and I had read far too many romance novels to just give up on him.”
He nods, eyes flickering to the amber liquid he’s twirling in its glass.
“He let you go, didn’t he?”
“Said he wasn’t sure he was ready to commit to just one person,” she leans forward on her arms, “then started dating his father’s secretary like two days after that.”
“Son of a bitch.”
“Biggest one I’ve ever met,” she agrees, reaching for a pint glass the barman sets in front of her. “You don’t have to worry about Jo, though. Dave’s a good guy.”
“How did you-”
“I’ve known the groom my entire life. If you were his friend, I’d remember you,” she explains, nudging his arm with her elbow.
Dean can’t be sure, but he thinks the tips of his ears turn pink.
“You would?” he smirks.
A tiny smile tugs at the corners of her lips.
“I definitely would,” she mumbles, but it’s laced with enough coyness to confirm the one thing he’s been suspecting all along; flirting with strangers was probably not a pastime of hers.
Huh.
She clears her throat. “So.”
Dean grins.
“So?”
“How do you know Jo?”
“Childhood friend,” he explains, eyes shifting towards the youngest Harvelle. “Our dads used to hang out, so we practically grew up together.”
And maybe it’s the whiskey that’s clouding his judgement, or maybe it’s the fact he hasn’t talked to someone –really talked to someone for over two years - but, he finds himself sharing childhood stories of him and Jo, finds himself telling her about the first time they met and the summers they spent by the lake at Lawrence and that one time Dean busted the windows of her boyfriend’s car because he cheated on her.
“She’s just,” he runs a hand over his face, tries to gather himself a little, “Dave’s a lucky guy.”
“Oh God,” she mutters, bright, Y/E/C locking into his, “you’re in love with her.”
The words echo as they leave her mouth, all certainty and realness, and catch him off guard, like a gunshot to the heart.
A crease forms between his brows.
His shoulders tense.
“I’m not –It’s… It’s not like that, kid.”
He’s expecting her to fight him on it, to ask more questions or squint or do… something.
She doesn’t.
“We just… We had a thing. Back when we were in college. And we both agreed it wasn’t going to work.”
She nods, making sure to meet his eye. “But?”
With a heavy sigh, he lets his eyes drift to his hands, to his father’s silver ring.
“What if I was wrong? I mean… Jo gets me, you know? We’ve been through so much together and we still… We’re there for each other. How often does that happen?”
“Not as often as you think.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “But I think… After all I’ve been through, I think that it’s one thing to love someone and another thing to be in love with them. And I can see you love Jo. A blind man could see that. But, are you in love with her? Or with the idea of her?”
A small smile.
Eyes looking at her in amazement.
“Who are you?”
“I dunno, Mr. Winchester.” She shrugs, a smirk playing at the corners of her lips. “Why don’t you find for yourself?”
Yeah.
He likes her.
Dean’s not sure how they ended up back at his place.
He remembers drinking her under the table at the reception, remembers listening to hundreds of her childhood stories, dancing with her while the stereos blasted a cheesy Ed Sheeran song about stars and beating hearts, and, God, he remembers kissing her, desperate and needy and open mouthed, but everything’s a blur of hungry hands and short breaths after that.
And now, somehow, they’re in his living room, and he has her pinned against the wall, lips and mouth and tongue mapping the smoothness of her neck while his hands travel underneath her dress, to her hips, her thighs, any place he can reach, and she’s clutching at his shirt.
God, he wants her.
He wants her, and even though he feels like he needs to take his time, feels like this should be so much more than tangled sheets and breathless whispers, much more than just another one-nighter, the feel of her skin under his fingertips and the way his name leaves her lips in whimpers when he finds that spot on her neck are enough to drive him absolutely insane.
“Is that,” she lets out a soft whimper as he presses his mouth up her jaw, “is that a chess set?”
He lets out a loose breath, brows furrowed in puzzlement as he follows her gaze.
“Yeah, that’s… Yeah,” he replies, and leans in to kiss her, hands sliding up her sides.
She pulls away, tilting her head to the left, almost too slow.
“Do you, uh, play a lot?”
His head drops to her shoulder.
“Not really, no. My brother gave it to me.”
She hums in response, but when he starts peppering kisses along her shoulder, she shifts a little, squirms under him.
His eyes dart up to meet hers.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, voice laced with concern.
She sighs, eyes cast downwards.
“Yeah,” she pushes some hair off her face, “yeah, m’ sorry. I just –I’ve never…” She shakes her head, stumbling over her words a little. “I’ve never done this before.”
He smiles, a soft, gentle smile that smooths his rough edges and make his eyes shine.
“Kid, don’t take this the wrong way, but I kind of figured that part out.”
She clenches her jaw.
Something that looks awfully like shame floats across her face.
“Hey,” he cups her face with his large hands, “we don’t have to do anything. You know that, right?”
She opens her mouth to speak, but-
“Look, tonight’s been –it was amazing. And I’d never make you do something you don’t…” He lets out a nervous laugh, tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “If you don’t want this, just say the word and I’ll kiss you goodnight and drive you home. No hard feelings. No drama. You don’t… You don’t owe me anything.”
A smile.
Fingers that trace the line of his jaw, tender and sweet.
“Dean, I know that. And I want this. I’m just…”
She lets out a sigh, armor down for a millisecond, and Dean sees the uncertainty behind it, sees the embarrassment she tries to hide under layers of small smiles and reassuring looks, but knows she wishes he doesn’t, wishes he’ll spare her the mortification.
So-
“Tell you what.” He clasps a hand at the side of her face. “How about you just take a hot shower while I make us some grilled cheese? You can lock the bathroom door.”
“Dean-”
“And if you still want this later…” he presses his lips on her forehead, the rest of the words whispered into her skin, a secret only for her to hear.
She smiles then and, this time, it’s all wonder and depth and awe, a smile that makes him feel like he’s more than a stranger to her, more than a guy she wants to sleep with.
And when she steps on her toes and presses a chaste kiss on his stubbly jaw, the breath hitches in his throat for just a second, and he hopes.
He hopes he’ll get to see that smile again.
Dean doesn’t remember the last time he laughed so much.
He’s laying on his bed with Y/N snuggled up against him, her cheek placed firmly on his chest while he’s running his hands up and down her arm gently, and every time he leans in he can smell his shampoo lingering on her hair.
So, he breathes it in, along with the sight of her dressed in his clothes, in that old Rolling Stones T-shirt he loves and that grey pair of sweatpants he doesn’t wear anymore, and tries to ignore how nerve-wrecking it all feels.
“Are you kidding me?” Y/N gasps in faux offence, catching his attention again.
It’s been almost two hours since she’d gotten out of the shower and, after they’d eaten, they ended up back in his bedroom, lips pressed together like pieces of the same puzzle.
And still, nothing happened.
Well, almost nothing.
Because ever since they settled against each other, limbs and heartbeats blending, they haven’t stopped talking.
She talked to him about her family, her best friend who’s like the older brother she never had, her dream to open her own record house one day. She said her favorite flowers are pink carnations and her favorite song is probably Dylan’s Knocking on Heaven’s Door and that she’d never really knew what heartache felt like until she lost her grandmother to Alzheimer when she was still a teenager. She spoke to him of winters nights spent at a little cabin her family has in Utah and of her favorite blanket, the one her grandmother had made for her when she was still a baby.
And then, she listened.
She listened as he talked about his parents and Bobby and how he practically had to beg the old man to go out with his neighbor, Jody. She listened as he told her about his job and his decision to go to college just to know what it would be like, about his love for classic cars and rock music and pie. She listened when he spoke of his first girlfriend and how she broke his heart, and when he told her about that little diner right across the street from his house, the one his dad used to take him to as a kid which has now been turned into a horrible block of flats.
She listened and listened and listened and Dean realized, much to his surprise, that, though he’s only known her for less than a day, she already knows things about him, already understands him in ways most of his friends don’t.
He doesn’t mind.
“How can someone sleep through La La Land?” she asks, laughing into his clothed skin.
“You see, when a movie is that terrible-”
“Shut up,” she whines, smacking his hand, “that’s my favorite movie you’re talking about, heathen.”
“Yeah, but it’s still a bad one.”
She perches herself on her elbow, looks up through narrowed eyes.
“It’s a work of art.” She jabs a finger at him. “Mia’s and Sebastian’s love story is the best one I’ve seen in years. It’s just… so pure.”
A snort.
Eyes rolled skywards.
“Okay then. Tell me what your favorite movie is so, I can make fun of it.”
“See, that’s impossible because my favorite movie is,” he leans in, brushes his scruff against the sensitive skin of her neck playfully, “awesome.”
A laugh escapes her lips.
“Hmmm,” she runs her fingers through his short hair, all mischief and delight, “and what movie would that be?”
“Every movie Clint Eastwood’s in.”
“Really?” She scrunches her nose up in indignation. “You don’t like Ryan Gosling, but you’re willing to watch a movie with a monkey?”
“Well,” he mouths up her jaw leisurely, “in all fairness, Clyde’s a better actor.”
She laughs, again, and Dean’s pretty sure he could get drunk on that sound.
“No, he’s not.” She presses her forehead against his, close enough that he’s sure she can count the freckles of his face if she wants to. “You just happen to have a very weird fetish, Winchester.”
“I do not.”
“You so do.” She settles against him again, lets his large hands slide underneath her shirt, his fingertips tracing over warm skin. “I bet you even dressed as a cowboy when you were a kid.”
“Hey now,” he waggels his eyebrows suggestively, “the ladies in the neighborhood loved it.”
“Course they did.”
“Shut up, you perv.” He tickles her sides. “My costume was fan-frigging-tastic, if you must know.”
“Well, in that case, I might have to ask your brother for pictures.”
And Dean’s so lost into their conversation, so lost into the sense of her so close to him that he doesn’t realize what she’s said until the words are out there, new and uneven, hanging in the air between them.
He wishes she could take them back in then, wishes he could erase them from his mind, from her mind, but he can’t.
He swallows, hard.
“Yeah, he won’t…” He clears his throat, quietly. “Sam died two years ago.” A pause painted with grief. “Hit and run. He was jogging late at night and…”
A second passes and nothing happens.
Dean waits.
He waits for the sharp intake of breath, waits for the clipped I’m sorry to fly out of her mouth, for the way she looks at him to change, to turn from softness to pity and guilt, but she doesn’t move.
Warm lips press against that spot where his neck meets his shoulder.
Fingers tie themselves between his.
“Tell me about him,” she whispers.
And if it was someone else, Dean would refuse, would be absolutely furious because he does not want to share his memories, doesn’t want to share his brother, with anyone else.
But with her laying by his side, he hears a wrecked voice respond.
“What do you want to know?”
Her hand squeezes his.
A smile lights up her face for just a second.
“Everything.”
And so, he tells her.
“Do you ever feel like you don’t belong?” Y/N whispers into his chest after what feels like hours, her fingers drawing arbitrary patterns there.
She’s almost asleep in his arms now, eyelids heavy with sleep and voice drowsy, and if it weren’t for the pensiveness that’s coating her features or the way she purses her lips and stares straight ahead as she asks him the question, he’d probably be pondering how cute she looks.
“You know, like when you’re in a room full of people, but you feel like nobody gets you? Because I’ve –I have so many good people in my life, but sometimes I feel like… I feel like there’s a little invisible line that’s always going to separate me from everyone else, you know?”
And Dean knows exactly what she means. He knows what it’s like to feel like a complete stranger in your own world, to feel disconnected and lost into the life you’ve made for yourself because he’s been there so many times after his brother’s death.
“Yeah,” he drops a kiss on her hair, “I do.”
She presses her face into the crook of his neck, breathes him in.
“What am I doing here, Dean?” she whispers, and it’s so faint he might as well have dreamt of it.
He wishes he had an answer for her.
He doesn’t.
All he knows is that this, the feel of her next to him, the weight of her in his arms, feels right.
All he knows is that he feels like this is how things are supposed to be from now on.
He runs his fingers through her hair, traces her jawline with his thumb.
“Get some sleep, kid,” he mumbles.
But he doesn’t sleep that night.
He just holds her, thinking that maybe that’s what he needed all along.
Dean finds her sitting on the edge of his bed the next morning.
She has her hair up in a messy bun, the dress she’s been wearing the night before already on, and, even though she seems so much different, even though she comes from a world so much different than his, there’s a simplicity in her that makes it easy for him to imagine her as a part of his world, too.
He smiles.
“What are you thinking about so hard over there?”
Her head jerks when she hears his voice.
“Dean,” she turns to look at him, “you’re back.”
“Yeah.” He holds up a paper bag from his favorite diner. “I went out to get us breakfast. You read the note, right?”
She nods, rubbing at her forehead.
“You didn’t have to do that,” she says, shy and nervous. “I could have just dropped by Starbucks on my way to work.”
And Dean knows that, but when he’d woken up a few hours earlier only to find her asleep in his arms, laughing lines and kindness dusting her skin, he felt it again, that pull he’d felt the night before, that need to spend every minute he could with her.
So, he’d gone out to get breakfast.
“Well, yeah, but” -he jabs a finger at her- “you said last night you like cinnamon rolls, and I just happen to know the place with the best cinnamon rolls in town.”
She frowns, looks down at her hands.
“See, now you’re just making me feel like an awful person,” she mumbles, voice laced with a nervous smile. “My boss just called. I’ve got to be at work in twenty minutes.”
“Oh.”
“Dean, I’m sorry-”
“Hey, no,” he shakes his head, hands her the bag. “You can eat that on your way there. Just…”
He thinks about the things he wants to say for a second, thinks about the night they shared, sprinkled with whispered laughs and honest confessions and wounds opened just for the other person to see.
And then he realizes that if he asks her to stay, if he asks for a chance, she’ll probably assume she’s being the girl he’ll use to numb the pain, the girl he’ll use to substitute Jo and forget his brother’s loss and he doesn’t want that.
He never wants that.
So, he sets her free.
“Drive safe.”
She cracks a small smile, but it’s all smoke and mirrors.
“Thank you,” she says. “And you-” -she jabs a finger at him.
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He laughs, scratching the back of his neck. “I won’t go looking for trouble. I usually don’t have to.”
A laugh, small but genuine.
Steps that lead her to him.
Her arms wrap around his waist, and he leans in.
God, she fits perfectly against him.
“I know you don’t-”
He never gets the chance to finish his sentence though, because she presses her lips against him, determined and slow and different, so much different from the way they’d kissed the night before, a kiss that’s warm and tender and makes him wonder why he hasn’t spent his entire life kissing her like that.
“You’re a good man, Dean Winchester,” she says when they finally break apart.
He looks at her then, looks into her eyes, and everything he wanted to tell her dies at the back of his throat, choked and genuine and overwhelming, and he just laces his fingers with hers and grips.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
She doesn’t reply.
She doesn’t have to.
It’s all written there, in the way she grips right back, in the way her bottom lip wobbles and her lips brush against his cheek in the tiniest bit of movement.
When she leaves, the sound of the door shutting closed echoes his loneliness.
He doesn’t know how much time he spends staring blankly at the wall that morning.
He finds it the following day.
He’s wandering around his house, pondering whether he should ask Jo for Y/N’s number, whether there is even a point after the way she left the morning before, when he sees it.
It’s right there, just a little Post-It note with the world’s worst scribbles, a phone number and a tiny carnation drawing spread across it, etched on the chess set.
Smirking, he picks it up, lets his eyes dance over the lines.
Do not call unless you’re willing to reevaluate Mia’s and Sebastian’s love story.
I can wait.
Oh, but she won’t have to.
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