#actually asking. like im unemployed and so suicidal and like just killing myself seems so much more worth it. i dont have to put in effort

[pillarofna]

how do you guys stay alive when everything goes to shit

[scoutbert]

my birthday is on sunday 3/3

TW: non graphic mentions of suicide/depression/drug abuse.

i turn 20,, i have had an account here since 2013 (when i was 14) and therefore i have spent 6 years on this accursed site... i wonder if, like webkinz, there will be a day where i log in for the last time and forget about all the stuff that made me /feel/.

anyway yea its my birthday soon and i want to draw your attention cause some people who've been following me/been mutuals for years may vaguely recall my many close encounters with depression-related crises. i never thought i would live to see my 20th birthday. there was never a future i envisioned because i was so wrapped up, and obsessed with thinking, and fantasizing and rolling around in my own sticky angst that i burned bridges, or never even built some.

my teens were frought with mental health problems. ive been in and out of psychiatric inpatient hospitals at least 9 times, gone through several failed therapies and medications. ive had some (severely) traumatic events occur. ive struggled with addiction. and now, as i enter my 20s, i am coming to terms with healing, something i never even /considered/ as a viable option. for too long my automatic thought process was "well i can always just kill myself!" it was an excuse to avoid putting effort into improving myself, a 'plan b' if you will, for when things became challenging or too much.

but since i was kicked out of my abusive, unsupportive household and began my transition last year, things have begun to change. over the last 12 months, i have been forced to adjust to adult life very quickly. and at first it whipped my ass hard. i got a job but due to a pretty bad bender with alcohol i became depressed and quit. then i was unemployed for 6 months, living off the generosity of my partner's family. i am a prideful person, i do not like help, i am the one to OFFER help usually. the shame and pride i felt escalated into my drug abuse last year, and i tried LSD a lot. i had one experience that was amazing; it basically changed my life. more on that in a different post.

basically, i got a job again. and when the winter hit and my seasonal depression kicked in- hard- i made the first move to improve my mental health in *years.* i voluntarily admitted myself to inpatient. i was set up with a professional support system at last, got on meds (that actually fucking work?? you may recall my deep distrust of psychopharmacology) and started just. being more adult.

i filed my taxes for the first time, i am budgeting, taking care of my own transportation, food, clothing. i even planned a little mini vacation for anime boston. ive cut back immensely on the booze, cigarettes, weed and acid. i have outpatient support. i have a handsome wonderful partner and a plethora of wonderful people i surround myself with, and ive cut out all the people who don't add any value to my life/took value away from it.

im still getting my sea legs. there's always the chance i may fall down again. but this time i dont have my mother towering over me and ridiculing me for it. i have a whole network of supportive people there to reach out a hand to help me back up. and ive finally learned to value my own life. i always angsted over how horrible the world was, and how living isn't worth the pain because the pain seemed to outweigh any good things. and it's been REALLY hard changing that pattern of thinking, because it's so easy to believe it's true. but the truth really is that there is no pain versus pleasure. there is pain, and there is pleasure, and there is neutrality. but most importantly, there is my ability to decide HOW these things will affect ME, and my ability to CHOOSE how to respond. in therapy i learned there are thoughts, feelings, and actions. you can't always control your thoughts, and usually not your feelings, but you always have 100% control over how you act and what you say.

so now, im taking actions to affect how i feel, to change how i think. like actively recognizing and challenging intrusive or maladaptive thoughts, learning how to cope with strong emotions and memories, and controlling impulsive behaviors.

the freedom i feel is so refreshing at last. i may still be poor, i may still have no car and no place of my own, but what the hell is the rush? i have maybe 60+ years here. no one gets to tell me how i spend them but me!

happy birthday, me. i no longer dread my birthday, a sign of my impending slavery to society (entering the shitty American system of lower class people.) i am getting comfortable in my body and identity. im going to live and life isn't about what i think other people want, its about what i want, and what im going to do to get it.

so thank you if you've managed to read this far. thanks if you've been with me since the beginning, way back in 2013 when i made that post promising i would follow everyone on tumblr who reblogged it, when i got a little popular. thanks if you're the people who messaged me asking if i was okay or needed to talk; thank you, the people who called for help on me when i posted my suicide notes from high school; thank you to the people who sent me financial help when i was at my lowest and couldn't afford my medications. you all played a part in me coming to this point and i am grateful for you. merci beaucoup, mes amis. je vous aimez.

-scout 2/27/19