#actually he probably didn't drink very much bc he's a good dad but anxiety can have the same symptoms

[scare-ard--sleigh]

i went to bed at like 4 this morning and im trying to get back to sleep but i cannot stop thinking about oliver taylor-kingsworth's birth & first few months of life 😭✋

[abigail-nicole]

tgcf liveread 10

part ten of my livereading of TGCF, Heaven Official's Blessing, which you should buy officially in english to support gays and great novels. and danmei and chinese gay fantasy. listen when I grew up we didn't even DREAM about having official licensed translations of gay niche content. anyway let's start book Four on today's recap:

"I can’t think of anything this story doesn’t have, except for a functional straight couple" -me, reading Heaven Official's Blessing, April 2020

originally tweeted 4/2/2020

Book 4 starting with a literal Xie Lian Suicide Nightmare!!!! This book is gonna Go Like That Huh!!!!

reading xie lian poor & starving is giving me Anxieties & Flashbacks

& now desperation drinking oh no

I know there are Bai Wuxiang/Xie Lian shippers out there

this is some fucking psychological horror

Absolutely people ship these two, beauty & the beast style, 50 shades style but where she left him after the first book and they didn’t get back together i stopped reading after that

I mean right now bai wuxiang is the most interesting thing happening in xie lian’s beginning of book 4 tragedy life so

Hella TW CW violence on these but OH MY GOD THIS IS SOME HORROR

ahhhhh i cant tweet anything about this chapter it’s really too much. Except for The Birth of a Ghost at the end

I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SHIP THIS

I understand why, & it’s because attraction is a form of power and power is often a root of attraction and clearly there’s some fucked up power dynamics here

IS THIS RUOYE

I feel like mxtx just came to my house and stabbed ME, PERSONALLY,

dianxia about to qi deviate

WHAT THE FJCK EXCUSE ME MOM & DAD

I WASNT PREPARED FOR THIS

WHERES MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SCARF WEAPON PET

oh there it is. Hi ruoye <3<3<3<3<3 i needed a good thing in this narrative rn <3<3<3<3

A) this is Badass I Love someone turning really evil OBVIOUSLY

B) Wei Wuxian?!!!?!!? Is this The Burial Mounds??? What did you do with Xie Lian?!? This isn’t your book

There’s a Lot happening here and I’m kinda.....really into Black Lady Evil Magical Girl Dianxia

Chapter 192 is SO GOOD oh my god

This is an extremely Hua Cheng moment. “You’re already dead”????!!!!!!!!

mxtx, probably: ....too much soft boyfriends....this could use some more body horror

okay I didn’t realize when Xie Lian entered the Kiln that he was ALREADY A GHOST KING

he can’t kill himself & become a ghost and then kill bai wuxiang and emerge from the Kiln as a Ghost King....because he already tried that once

Is it like him from the future or something bc this is getting fucked up???? I mean i trust mxtx’s plotting

nope nope nope

even when this is like Evil Version Xie Lian it’s still incredible & I’m cheering for him to be Really Evil

(i dont want wuming to be hua cheng tho let him have other friends)

Oh that’s the second ascension huh

ascension 1: fighting bridge demon thing. ascension 2: stopping the human face plague. ascension 3: being daddy's favorite

Jun Wu’s like “But please don’t do that though”

okay i got through book 4 and that was a lot more & also shorter than i expected

Now it’s a Crown Prince-off in the Kiln tonight, fine scholars

......um? this got very Mecha huh

CALLED OUT BY MU QING

i’m glad shi qingxuan is back i missed them!!!

There’s a lot more plot-wrap-up than I thought there was gonna be, honestly

This actually makes the most sense as a plot explanation

WAIT DAD NO!!!! JUN WU!!!!!!!!!

just like a real dad, I feel very betrayed

I Still Love Ruoye The Most

This is a very classical Action Movie wrapup so far

Ah yes, Solve The Problem By Injuring Myself: a Classic mxtx protagonist move

another little side dish of horror for our Evil Crown Prince and the human face disease

some hua cheng backstory!!!!!! Crumbs of it!!!! I cling to it!!!!!!!!!!

This novel is so interestingly not like mdzs? Much more comprehensive, longer, bigger scope, more of an adventure story. Also probably a better-written novel, though translation being what it is, i can only speak to plot & planning & pacing

Im trying to think of other books this long and immersive i wanted to eat recently & really only came up with the wheel of time (less like this) & the baroque cycle (more like this, less romance)

XIE LIAN OUT OF THE CLOSET AT LAST!!!!!

I can’t think of anything this story doesn’t have, except for a functional straight couple

I also purposefully didn’t emotionally engage much with book four brcause torture & suicide cw tw real hard & i can read it but....i’m not gonna sit here & live out those scenes in my head like I do for the rest

This ‘bringing your boyfriend home to uncle’ scene with uncle bing like “JUST DON’T DATE THAT HORRIBLY UNFORTUNATE BOY DOWN THE STREET” & Hua Cheng staring him down

IT’S NOT AN AFFAIR THEYRE ENGAGED xie lian just doesn’t realize it yet

Omg the DIANXIA GUNDAM is BACK

wait the heavenly city moves???!!!!! This is suddenly very big budget action movie (or some truly atrocious c-drama SFX)

This is a HELL OF A BOSS FIGHT....or should I say a HEAVEN of a boss fight......

“He owes me money” i died. i love hua cheng

TGCF Goes Gundam continued on tgcf liveread part 11!

[stubblesandwich]

ONCE AGAIN I AGREE COMPLETELY!

Tbh, I hadn't thought about the military wife correlation but wow. It's so fitting for them and I'm having THOUGHTS. Okay but all they have been through, Dean's obviously psdt, anger issues, alcoholism — MILITARY WIFE TROPE!

And yes, Lisa accepted who he was: a hunter. She said it herself, Dean, you aren't a house builder. You are a hunter. Yet, she wanted to try it. She wanted him to come and go, so he could have his family and not give up this enormous part of himself. You can go. Me and Ben will be here. Just come back in one piece, okay?

Not go mention how marvelous he was with Ben. QUESTION: do you think he was Dean's son biologically?

Kripke's era will always be the best. I understand you 100%. It's been 15 seasons and I don't want the show to end, yet I admit that s5 ending was most accurate ending and wrapped everything up good even though we cey bc SAMMY COME BACK HOME OK

Whenever I see people hating on Lis, it's mostly to build up other ships or in a very misogynic. Calling her a bitch, slut, whore, saying she "didn't change Dean like a woman should" (wtf???). She was strong, independent, and gave him everything he dreamed about.

It would be so good if they were a bit loyal to the original ending in that matter. Giving Dean a family again, my boy deserves it. Imagine him going for Lisa and Ben again.

 Asofhasdf the military wife thing is so perfect honestly. I have a headcanon too that she joined an online support group, to help her know how to help Dean. Either for military spouses/partners or partners of those with PTSD. I could see her researching into that more to find the best ways for her to support him, emotionally. And that thought fills my heart near to bursting. She made that comment about “when the guy who basically saved the world shows up on your doorstep, you expect him to have a few issues” and I’d just like to unpack that, pls.

I think about what Dean said to Bobby and Sam, about when he first showed up on their doorstep. How he drank too much and had nightmares, was half out of his head with grief. I could dwell in that angst sandwich forever. I think about Dean trying to hide all of that from Lisa and Ben, or at least pretend to have himself somewhat put together for their sakes, and just cracking under the pressure of it. Hence the nightmares. And the drinking.

For Dean to admit to Sam and Bobby that he was a mess and had those nightmares…. Boy howdy, they must have been some bad ones. I think that’s the first time he’s ever admitted to having nightmares, at least in a way that wasn’t a self depreciating joke. Dean’s not exactly up on psychology lingo—what if he really meant night terrors, which are infinitely worse? Ugh, my poor boy. And amazing Lisa, willing and wanting to be there for him. Be still, my heart!

The “just come back in one piece line” really got me, ugh. And then when Lisa admits later that she gets anxiety from phone calls, worried that it’s Sam calling to tell her Dean is dead. Lord! The angst! Why couldn’t I have had more of that? I don’t think Lisa could have stayed that signature cool forever; I think the stress of it and Dean actually coming home with some new scars would take it’s toll on her, and they’d have some issues to work through. But I would have loved to see them try to make it work long term.

You are RIGHT to say that Dean was marvelous with Ben. It was so great and I miss it so much, ugh. As far as Ben being Dean’s, biologically… man. I don’t know! On the one hand, sure, it’s possible. Did you ever watch The Office? Kind of reminds me of the end of the series (spoiler alert, I guess) where Angela tells Dwight that her son Phillip isn’t his. And Dwight tells her that he’ll raise 100 of her bastard children if it means he gets to be with her. But it turns out Phillip really is Dwight’s son, and Angela just wanted to make sure Dwight wanted to be with her for HER, instead of out of obligation to his son.

I could see a scenario where that’s what Lisa did. She didn’t want Dean to feel pressured to stick around, or be there for Ben out of obligation, so she lied about Dean being Ben’s real dad.  And man, wouldn’t that be something? Dean finds out years later, after he’s already married Lisa (in whatever way he can, probably just symbolically, since he’s legally dead)  and formally adopted Ben, that Ben really is his son. I don’t think it would change anything for Dean, except the balloon of pride that would swell up in his chest at the idea of a kid as awesome as Ben being HIS son. But, it doesn’t matter, really, and there’s something really special about that. I don’t think Ben being biologically his could make Dean love Ben any more than he already does. Which is beautiful.

The question really is: would Ben being his biological son have made Dean stay, or at least not wipe out their memories of him? I think if everything played out the way it did and Dean still thought he was this colossal burden on their lives, he still would have wiped their memories.  D:   I hate it.

And yes, let the record show, I need Sam to be out of hell and have his soul intact. A perfect ending for Dean involves that, too.

People get pretty into their shipping wars. It’s like they get territorial, and Dean being with Lisa in canon is a threat to their fanon relationships, or other canon ships they like better. But Lisa is monumentally cool, and she doesn’t deserve the hate when all she’s done is be there for Dean, accept him, welcome him, and love him. She trusted him so much! She was even willing to reconcile after all the vampire nonsense. It was Dean who kept pushing her away. (I’m never going to be over the vampire stuff, ever.)

I can’t see them bringing Lisa and Ben back for the series finale, and that’s such a shame. So much lost potential. Imagine Dean having another kid with Lisa! Imagine Ben becoming a big brother! Imagine Dean being able to have his own family, be a father in a real way! Imagine him living his own dreams and being adored and loved. I can’t even handle it. Fanfiction, here I come.

[falcqns]

hi u can ignore this if you've already talked abt it but what did andrew do to start changing your mind about him ?

hi there!! i've probably talked a little but not too in detail and it was a while ago so i can go over it again, and dont worry about crossing any lines, andrew is very open with his struggles and is okay with me talking about them (he sees every post as well).

he started doing small things like asking me if he could take Bubba for a weekend he wasn't scheduled to (he had her twice a month for three days before we got back together as i didn't trust him and couldn't stand being in a room with him). i was apprehensive the first time, but my bff invited me to drink at her house that weekend and it convinced me bc i missed drinking lol. i was a nervous wreck the entire weekend but she came back in one piece, and had new clothes and toys with her, and was the cleanest i'd ever seen her, so some of the trust came back.

then, he kept asking to take her random places. he'd text me and ask if he could take her grocery shopping with him and his mom, he'd ask if he could take her to the park randomly, and things like that. i was confused, but i let him, and she hated leaving him when he brought her back (yes, they do in fact love each other). he would also send me morning and night texts telling both me and bubba to have a great night. he'd text me and ask me how i was doing mentally and would say he just got a gut feeling to check up on me, and if i said i wasn't doing great, he would send me old memes that used to make us wheeze in high school and tell me funny things that have happened in his life. when i'd have a depressive episode, he'd bring over groceries, clean my apartment, do my laundry and take Bubba out for the day so she didn't have to see me at my lowest. when i'd had a meltdown (this was pre diagnosis and meds so they happened too often) he would even do my school work for me. the most important thing that stuck with me then was he would validate my feelings and how i was doing mentally, and never raised his voice even when i was being difficult.

on mothers day, we went out for breakfast and then were at the park, and he opened up. he told me what was going on in his home life, with his dad practically disowning him and divorcing his mom when he found out i was pregnant. he said he had finally gone to therapy, and said that in his first session he'd brought his mom with him and he had a breakdown not long into it because his therapist helped him realize how badly he'd hurt me and bubba, it helped him realize how much he loved me, and all the 'hate' he had in him was him projecting about his dad. he told me he was still in love with me, and wanted to get back together, but that we could do it at my pace, and that we could start off as friends, which i agreed.

i still was unsure about if he'd truly changed, but one day, Bubba was teething and wasn't feeling good. i was exhausted and on my period, and i couldn't calm her down, and i got so upset i ended up regressing, so both of us were in our apartment, sobbing on the kitchen floor because we were both smol lil babies and were both in pain. i forgot andrew was coming over, and when he did he instantly helped me. he calmed Bubba down, and called his mom to come over. she took care of Bubba and got her sleeping, and andrew took care of me. he was so calm and sweet, and sat with me in my quiet area of my bedroom and just sang praise songs to me since i hadn't gone to church in so long due to my anxiety. once i had calmed down, i explained to him what was happening, and what age regression was, and he was accepting, and told me that he'd love to be my caregiver if thats what i wanted.

it was a month or so after that that we actually got together. his mom had Bubba for the night and we were at his apartment and watching Harry Potter. he kept telling me he loved me and it was making me so nervous and shy and he started teasing me. he kissed me on the cheek a few times before actually kissing me and then we had sex for the first time and we both cried 😭.

we got together that night and have been together ever since. we went to a few sessions of couples counselling when we first got back together, and focused on developing our relationship and not just staying together for Bubba's sake.

i'm always open to questions about our relationship! this was a lot of fun to write, and it honestly feels like a dream how he did a complete 180 in less than a year, and i honestly believe its because his dad disowned him (he's a shitty person). im so in love w him yall

[january31st]

lmao i should be studying but i feel like procrastinating so lmao, an update on my life that serves more as a way for me to not forget mt own life, good night and thank you

it's eleven pm and i feel terrible when i don't sleep properly, but for whatever reason i decided to down a whole ass monster can at like 7 because i have to study.

it's exam season for everyone (in two weeks for me cuz i started after everyone so im still having classes online) i am trying to keep up with studies and yknow passing the two last smaller tests i have, considering i already failed two subjects out of five and need to pass the exams to complete those (totally not faithful abt one of them but it's sorta fine, a friend that's two years ahead of me on chem said she only completed this subject on her second year)

well, considering that alcohol and caffeine make my chest pain worse, you can imagine the type of college life fun i've been having

that pain is probably just anxiety, but a friend that kinda understands things suggested i might have a heart murmur, welp

i joined the musical group, that was fun, it's the only thing that makes me wake up every day this semester honestly.

in the middle of november there was a retreat from said musical group, it was great, taking my mind off things for a bit. it was a 3-day-drunken-thing and i was sick and taking pills for a bit of a cold so i couldn't drink (not covid not to worry, i was tested multiple times) and honestly those pills weren't that strong so i could have drunk a bit at least, but i kinda really hate being drunk, and i love and accept the fact that i shall always be the mom friend, that's just how things are. i also had to send in a paper during the retreat so i disappeard for a while, lmao, was just alone in some room while everyone was having fun, that's so me of me.

y'know, considering that like a year or two ago i was drinking fucking vodka during every band rehearsal bc it always gave me anxiety attacks, and the alcohol eased me a bit, kinda makes me afraid of becoming an alcoholic for real.

well, after the retreat i found out my dad was at the hospital back home, i didn't exactly know why at the time but it's a lung thing bc he smoked a lot, not something i wasn't expecting anyways. I lived alone with him but well, he was pretty absent, so i kinda didn't care much and i still don't, does that make me kinda shitty? probs, but he doesn't care much about me either.

i'm pinning the blame for me failing that algebra test on my cousin when she started talking shit to me bc i didn't keep in touch with my dad in general, bc her mum had to help him out during the time he was at the hospital, but well, i couldn't fucking help him, i live halfway across the country now and i can't drive, and she's his sister lmao, shouldn't families help eachother out without complaining? like, no one else from out family that lives near him tried to help, he tried asking but they basically told him to fuck off and wouldn't take him to the hospital.

while i do love my mum very much, she lives in another country since i was like 13, she has good reason but i was still left basically alone to my fate, my dad was only there symoblically lmao. i would love to be able to tell her that everything sucks and my mind is eating away at me but everytime i tell her that i have a headache or sth she gets super anxious and tells me she can't feel okay untill i tell her i'm fine, she's older than other poeple my age's mums are, and has blood preassure problems and she's just an anxious wrek being away from me, and i appreciate her concearn and the fact that she actually cares about me but it honestly has the opposite effect, i just lie to her all the time, i can't go to her to say that something's wrong because it will be my fault if she has a heart attack or sth.

this said it has gotten worse since i came to college, if i sleep in untill like eleven she will contact everyone who's studing in the capital too, even if they live an hour away from me, she always thinks i'm dead or some shit, and she tells me that if something happens to me she's going to die. she was never like this with my sisters, they also lived away from her when they were my age, they're like 20 years older than me.

i'm so shitty for thinking like this but i honestly just wish she also didn't care, it would make things a lot easier, because i feel alone either way.

well after my cousin talked to me that time and after i fucking had a spiral over it i called my dad and he said it was fine that i didn't talk much with him, he knew i was busy studying, lmao, he doesn't care and i knew it, he doesn't talk to me either but my cousin made me feel guilty that i couldn't find the time.

i knew from my dad bc my mum keeps in touch with him, even tho he just hates her guts, idk somehow she loves him. and from her i also knew that things back home were just falling appart bc i wasn't there to keep shit in control anymore, the house, the bills, my dad's health, everything. why does a fucking teennager have to be responsible for keeping a fucking family toghether? it fucling baffles me.

it was a relief to come and study away bc i didn't have those responsabilities anymore, and while my friends were having a hard time away from home i was living the dream, so fucking out of responsabilities and totally numb to everything.

maybe too numb actually, i didn't cry for the whole entirety of the semester, and considering that i used to like, bawl my eyes out every other day during the summer kinda says sth. i know that if i keep bottlig up i'm going to let it all out on a terrible breakdown but i can't stop suppresing shit, i hate it, i just want to cry all the time but it won't come out.

then the holidays came around, those always make me feel like shit, again bc my family's shit and we never did anything as a family, while all my friends had great chistmases with lots of presents and fun family time, i never got shit bc we don't have the money for that shit and i was just sitting alone the whole time. kinda sucks to live that as a kid, feels weird.

so i ghosted all my college friends during the holidays, and now im back in the capital but i haven't talked to anyone since im having online classes bc covid just spiked. so yea, back to being alone in a gigant ass city, all because i'm incapable of reaching out to people and keep in touch, that's just what i do i guess, i isolate.

has been really hard studying and just getting out of bed in the morning, can't wait to see my friends again.

also the first rehearsal fro the muscial group thing is on my birthday, and a couple friends from there found that out and i hate celebrating my birthday, hate the attenttion, so i do think i'll miss it and stay home being depressed but also i feel bad for not going bc we always justify it and i don't just want to say that it's my birthday and i don't want to spend it with them.

like we have a music room and i just spent all my afternoons there, yk, instead of studing and doing homework bc i didn't feel like living at all, but i really like their company and they made it better. now in the holiday i was supposed to learn two songs in the guitar bc i'm a bit more advanced (i've been playing for almost ten years) and i haven't yet, and i haven't sent a video of the song i learned before bc i'm too much of a perfectionist and have to leant it better and not only did i not study but i also didn't play, and that's great bc out of all my little responsabilities i just paralysed and didn't do shit. feels great to be a useseless fucker.

that might be it for now, the fact that i wrote this with a stright face is a bit concerning, i wish i felt something but i don't. i'm really hoping shit gets better