#adderall used to make me feel elevated which was nice but now i just feel normal (which is better)

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

Can’t say I’m a big fan of flip flopping between catastrophization and optimism based on whether or not something Bad has happened to me but….. mm

[amandaoftherosemire]

IDGAF -- One-Shot

Fandom: Marvel AU

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanoff

Author: @amandaoftherosemire

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 6539

Format: One-Shot

Warnings: Language, angst, fluff

Summary: Standing in line for coffee, cursing the ex-boyfriend who won’t leave you alone, you lay eyes on Bucky Barnes for the first time.

A/N: I started to write this months ago because my darling @hellzzzbelle was having a hard day and I wanted to make her feel better. Unfortunately, once I got half-way through I couldn’t get it out of my brain and onto the page. Once my long fic was out of the way, however, this was one of the first things I finished. I figure this is another opportunity to make “Better Late Than Never” the tagline of my life. I hope y’all like it, especially you, peach.

As you stood in line for coffee, you glared down at your phone in disbelief.

I don’t know why you’re being so childish about this.

“Oh, fuck you and everyone who looks like you, James.” You were muttering under your breath and figured no one in the coffee shop could hear you but to your surprise, the giant in front of you turned around.

“I beg your pardon?”

When you'd gotten in line, the part of your brain that has nothing to do but search for eye candy had noted the man in front of you with approval. Tall and broad, the muscles of his back, shoulders, and arms stretched the long-sleeved t-shirt he wore in all sorts of fascinating ways. A tight ass and thick thighs only added to the allure. You'd been too involved in cursing James six ways to Sunday to pay close attention when you came in, but you couldn't help but think if the face matched the body, he'd be downright lethal. You’d been looking for a new coffee spot since your ex ruined your previous haunt and you were pretty sure you’d found the one if guys this hot hung out there.

As your eyes climbed up from your phone into ice-blue eyes set in a face carved by gods to drive mortals crazy, you realized you were absolutely correct. Lethal.

The man was just plain beautiful. His dark brown hair was pulled back into a stubby ponytail with a few loose locks falling to frame his pretty face. His jawline and cheekbones were sharp enough to cut glass, but his lips were plump and full and looked soft enough to sleep on. His eyes, though, were bright and amused as they caught and held yours.

You realized you'd been staring when that gorgeous mouth quirked up at the corner.

"I'm sorry," you stammered out. "Text message pissed me off."

"Ah." He nodded with a smile. "My given name's James, so I thought you were talking to me for a second." His voice was low and warm and sent shivers down your spine.

Desperate to keep him talking, you asked the first thing that came to mind. "Given name?"

He smiled wider and you had to fight the whimper that wanted to escape your mouth. "Most people call me Bucky."

You stuffed your phone in your back pocket and held out your hand to shake. James could go fuck himself. You had much, much bigger, hotter fish to fry. "Nice to meet you, Bucky. I'm y/n."

Bucky took your hand in his and the feel of his callused palm against yours was delicious. You'd never met a man more physically magnetic than this one, so when he held your hand a little longer than necessary, it made your heart beat faster at the thought that he might be as interested in you as you were in him.

"Pleasure's mine," he rumbled. "How'd James piss you off? If you don't mind me asking."

You laughed, a little breathlessly and you hoped he didn't hear it. "Have you ever been dumped and then had the asshole try to come crawling back?"

"Can't say that I have," he replied with grin.

"It's both immensely satisfying and incredibly irritating." You were grinning back at him, neither of you noticing that the man behind the counter was waiting on Bucky.

The 40ish woman behind you, who'd been eavesdropping and was thoroughly enjoying the meet-cute happening right in front of her, leaned around you and said to Bucky, "If it was your turn, handsome, what would you do?"

Bucky blushed and you thought it might be the cutest damn thing you'd ever seen. Seeing a man this big, this muscled, this gorgeous so sweetly embarrassed was devastating. As he turned around to speak to the barista about his order, you turned to the woman behind you and rolled your eyes as you mock swooned. She grinned back at you and murmured almost inaudibly, "Get it, girl. Do it for all of us.”

You stepped forward when Bucky moved down the counter towards the pick-up window, though he appeared to be taking his time. You hoped it was because of you, but you couldn't believe a man this unbelievably attractive would genuinely be interested.

Except when you pulled out your wallet to pay, the barista smiled and jerked his head towards Bucky, who was acting like he wasn’t listening. “Already taken care of.” You shrugged and stuffed a couple ones in the tip jar before moving to stand next to the gorgeous creature that had just bought your coffee.

“Thank you,” you said with a shy and quiet smile. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Consider it an apology from the Jameses of the world.” Bucky was hunching his shoulders a little and his face was going pink. The sight of this big, beautiful man smiling so shyly made your heart sigh a little and you damned the thing for being so easily wooed.

“I’d rather consider it a present from my new friend Bucky.” You didn’t know who was more surprised at the flirtatious words coming out of your mouth, you or Bucky, but his face flamed just as you felt your own cheeks heat.

Bucky, who was cursing himself for ordering ahead to save time, picked up the three drink carriers on the counter in front of him as he replied, his expression pleased. “I like that better, too.”  You were astonished to see him balance them with an almost uncanny ease, but the way his biceps moved under his shirt distracted you. When at his words you met his gaze, he shot you another blushing smile before ducking his head a little.

“I hope I see you around, Bucky, and not just ‘cause you buy me my favorite coffee.” You winked cheekily at him as you said the last. You were astonished at your own forwardness but unable to stop yourself. You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t throw yourself at him just a little bit.

Bucky had opened his mouth to reply as he lifted his eyes to yours when his eyes caught something over your shoulder. His face went sheet white and you glanced behind you. You saw nothing but other patrons and no one looked upsetting enough to disturb a man this well-muscled.

When you looked back, Bucky seemed to be hiding behind his hair as he mumbled, “Yeah, nice to meet ya.” You stared as he turned and fairly bolted from the café.

“Y/N!” You jumped when the barista called out your name, so stunned were you by the sudden change in Bucky’s demeanor. You knew it was foolish to be hurt by the behavior of someone you’d only just met, but that didn’t stop the tears that were pricking at your eyes. You grabbed the hazelnut macchiato and turned to leave when the woman who’d been behind you in line placed a hand on your arm.

“I bet this is what set him off,” she said, her face and voice kind as she placed a newspaper in your hand. On the front of the paper was the man who’d just bought you coffee in handcuffs next to Captain America under the headline The Winter Soldier: Truly Reformed?

Your mouth fell open with a pop. You vaguely remembered hearing about this, but as you'd been buried in graduate school when the trial had been going on, the bearded man with his hair in his face hadn’t made an impression. You looked at the door Bucky had run through and remembered how he’d seemed to hide behind his hair just before he’d run out.

When you looked back down at Bucky, because it was undeniably Bucky, though he was clean shaven now but for a little sexy stubble, the woman who’d handed you the paper murmured, “Didn’t seem that bad to me, but I’ve always been a sucker for a killer smile.” You gaped at her as she tipped you a wink and breezed by you with an airy wave. She was gone before you could find your voice to remind her you still had her paper.

You read the article. Of course you did. Then you spent all of your free time over the next three days searching for any other information you could get your hands on. Now that the man had bought you coffee and you weren’t living off caffeine, nicotine, and occasionally Adderall to make it through your Master’s thesis, the story caught you and you couldn’t get enough.

Also, you needed to understand. Bucky had seemed totally normal, except for being possibly the most beautiful man you’d ever personally laid eyes on. However, the one thing you remembered was that the Winter Soldier was a Russian assassin. It didn’t make any sense.

Once you started reading about James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes, Captain America's oldest and best friend, prisoner of war and unwilling HYDRA test subject, you couldn’t stop yourself. Using everything you knew, which was considerable, about researching and verifying information, you had learned enough to come to a conclusion of your own.

Based on the testimony at his trial, you thought the verdict to acquit obvious. You simply couldn’t see how he could be held responsible for what he’d been forced to do when what had been done to him had been taken into account. The fact that he’d not been caught but turned himself in once he could no longer be used as a weapon, proved beyond a shadow of a doubt in the courtroom when the trigger words had been read aloud to a stoic, persistent Bucky Barnes, spoke volumes as to the kind of man he was.

You weren’t going to judge before you knew him. Hell, if you saw him again, you were going to buy him coffee.

Bucky slid soundlessly into the elevator with a sigh of relief. He jabbed repeatedly at the door close button; he was almost home free. He could tell by the look in her eye that Natasha had noticed his new habit of haunting the coffee shop. He had no doubt she’d be following him soon.

As the doors slid closed, Bucky breathed a sigh of relief, cut painfully short by the slim redhead slipping into the elevator at the last second.

“You want some company today?” Natasha asked, the corner of her mouth lifting in quiet amusement.

Internally, Bucky was cursing viciously, but he answered quietly. “If you want.”

Though Natasha wasn’t looking directly at Bucky, she could see his thunderous expression out of the corner of his eye. She didn’t know why the people in her life insisted on trying to keep things from her. “For future reference,” she remarked casually, “the door close button doesn’t do anything.”

Bucky paused for a fraction of a second before answering, considering how best to NOT confirm that he’d been trying to avoid her. “What?” he asked, infusing as much puzzlement as he could into the word.

Natasha tipped him a long, vaguely insulted look. She would never understand how this man in particular could so often underestimate her. “It’s called a placebo button. It doesn’t do anything but it’s still there because people like to believe they have some control over their lives.”

Bucky stared in disbelief at Natasha’s impassive profile. “Gee whiz, Natasha. If you’re gonna be this much fun, can you come with me every time?”

“Is that a dare?” Her head turned slowly as she spoke, and the look of challenge on her face sent a chill of fear running down Bucky’s spine.

“God, no.” Bucky spoke fervently as they exited the elevator. “I haven’t forgotten.” He didn’t know how exactly, but Steve always managed to find the most dangerous women on the planet. He now had a scar at his temple where he’d cracked his head open in fright thanks to Natasha.

When Bucky had first come to live with Steve, he’d expressed doubt that she was capable of sneaking up on him. Over the next week, she’d scared the shit out of him dozens of times before he’d finally admitted defeat. He’d kind of loved it; it had been nice to be not be treated like he was broken.

Once they were on the street, Natasha slipped her arm through Bucky’s and smiled winningly up at him. “Do I need to interrogate you? Or are you gonna make it easy on yourself and just tell me why you’re always going to the coffee shop?”

Bucky refused to look at her, well aware of how uncannily observant she was and hoping to avoid giving himself away. “I’d cop to an interrogation.”

Natasha smiled fully this time. “They all think that.”

Bucky slanted her a look out of the corner of his eye, then burst out laughing at the sly grin on the little redhead’s pretty face. “I met a girl.” He gave in with a wry laugh. He didn’t know why he bothered to resist. The Black Widow wasn’t dangerous simply because she was deadly; she could have her prey fully wrapped in silken bonds before they even knew they were trapped. “I’m trying to run into her again.”

“May I ask why you do not already have this girl’s number?” Her tone told him she already suspected he’d fucked it up. “If she’s worth this much effort.”

Bucky ducked his head, hiding behind his hair, something Natasha considered a terrible habit. His voice low, knowing she’d disapprove, he confessed. “I met her the day that big article about me came out. I panicked and bolted before I could work up the nerve to ask.”

Natasha’s secret tender heart melted a little, but she kept her expression sardonic. “Story checks out.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re too sensitive about it.”

Natasha’s airy tone had Bucky snarling. “Am I?”

“You should at least pretend it doesn’t bother you.” The spy that always lived under the surface of her skin spoke absently, her attention caught by the scuffle up ahead on the sidewalk between them and the coffee shop they were heading toward.

Bucky couldn’t be sure, but he thought he detected a touch of wistfulness behind her words. His voice gentler than it might have been otherwise, he murmured, “Is that what you do?”

“Get fucked, James.”

The sound of your voice, ripe with the same loathing he’d heard the first time he’d heard you speak, had his head snapping up to scan the street in all directions.

Next to him, Natasha was smiling again, having noticed Bucky’s sudden alertness. “Are my thoughts audible now?” she asked, mock concerned. “That’s not good.”

Bucky wasn’t listening, his attention entirely on the drama unfolding in front of the coffee shop where he’d met you. His heart was galloping in his chest, either in terror or anticipation, he wasn’t sure which. He was trying to think of a greeting that didn’t make him feel like an asshole when he realized the slickly handsome man in front of you was blocking your path.

“Come on, Y/N!” The man’s voice was a wheedle, and immediately set Bucky’s teeth on edge. “Give me a chance to explain.” With this he reached out and grabbed your arm as you tried to walk around him.

Your eyes went cold as ice as you looked down at James’ restraining hand. He’d gotten completely out of control lately. It was time to remind him who he was dealing with. Your hand closed around the pen in your jacket pocket. “You’re gonna want to take that hand off me.”

James’ eyes narrowed and you felt his hand tighten on your arm. Typical. Quick as a snake, you struck out with the pen, stabbing him in his pretty artist’s hand with vindictive glee.

James yanked his hand away with a yelp and a plaintive, “Look, I’m sorry.”

A few feet down the sidewalk, Bucky and Nat slowed to watch the tableau. Now that it was abundantly clear you had the situation under control, he was happy to stand back and observe. Natasha murmured out of the corner of her mouth. “Did she just stab him in the hand with a pen? I approve.”

Bucky breathed out, attraction and admiration warring in his chest. “That’s her. I think I’m in love.”

You were so fucking done with this bullshit. James had been bugging you for days about getting together “for closure.” You’d naturally been ignoring him. As far as you were concerned, your James chapter was closed. “For what?” You raised your voice, fully prepared to make a scene. “Touching me without my consent or all the other douchbaggery you’re guilty of?” You snarled, using your hand to punctuate your words and ready to brawl if he didn’t back off. “Get it through your thick skull: I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.”

Though Bucky was enjoying watching you tell this asshole off, he and Natasha had gotten close enough that it felt weird to not speak. Clearing his throat, Bucky said quietly, “Hi, Y/N.”

Bucky’s voice brought you up short. You had started to give up on running into him again. To do so under these circumstances was less than ideal, but you weren’t the type to question Lady Luck.

You spun around and the smile broke on your face like daybreak, lighting you up. Bucky thought you might be the prettiest thing he’d ever seen.

“Bucky! Hi!” You worried you were being too enthusiastic but based on the look on Bucky’s face when he’d fled, he needed the encouragement. To be fair, you tended to wear your heart on your sleeve on a good day. “I’m so glad I ran into you again. You have to let me buy you coffee this time.” You’d recognized the beautiful woman at Bucky’s side immediately and turned to greet her warmly. “Hello!”

Bucky ducked his head and shot you a shyly embarrassed smile before performing quick introductions. “Sorry. Y/N, Natasha. Natasha, Y/N.

Natasha rolled her eyes at Bucky and offered her hand to shake with a quiet smile. “Pleasure to meet you.” If you hadn’t already seen Bucky, you’d consider making a play for the gorgeous woman in front of you. It’d be quite a ride, but you were pretty sure it’d be worth it.

“Excuse me, we���re trying to have a conversation here.” James’ voice made you jump. The moment you’d seen Bucky you’d completely forgotten about the asshole you’d wasted entirely too much time on.

Your head snapped around, your mouth open to blast the bastard when Bucky replied, his voice low and dangerous. “A conversation she seems to want to escape.” His face had fallen into dark and cruel lines and he looked at James like a roach beneath his boot. To you, however, he shot a sweet smile and asked, “Would you like to have coffee with us?”

You weren’t proud of it, couldn’t explain it, but that darkly violent expression had your underwear going damp. You felt like everyone on the damn street could hear your heart pounding. “I would love to,” you replied with a delighted smile, “but would you mind giving me a minute or two? I really should deal with this.”

Bucky sneered with disdain at “this.” James glared back but said nothing. He wasn’t a fool and could tell when he was painfully outclassed. He was a fit and good-looking man, but Bucky Barnes was intimidatingly thick. He didn’t stand a chance.

Next came the cocky smirk and you were starting to get offended at the level of sexy you were required to endure. “Sure. We’ll wait over there.” Bucky and Nat passed by you and James to wait by the door to the coffee shop. They seemed far enough away to give you privacy, but with his heightened super soldier hearing he couldn’t help but overhear. Natasha overheard because Natasha always overhears. No one knows how; it just is.

“Alright.” You turned to James with a sigh. You couldn’t imagine why he was being so persistent; he hadn’t really cared about you at all. You were thoroughly done and couldn’t understand why James wasn’t. “What do you have to say that it’s worth slipping into stalker territory and has me considering a restraining order?”

James reached out, palm up, as though he expected you to put your hand in his. You grimaced at his hand as he spoke, his voice low and throbbing with emotion. You wondered how he turned it on and off like that. “I miss you,” he said, lifting his hand as though he’d touch your face.

You took a step back. “Uh-huh. What happened to what’s-her-face?”

James hand fell away when he realized you weren’t going to give in that easy. “We broke up when I realized what I’d lost with you.”

The rude snort you gave in response had both Bucky and Natasha choking back laughter. “Translation: she dumped you and now you’re bored and lonely.”

James moved closer, crowding you in to make you more aware of his body. It was his signature move as it could be used for both intimidation or seduction depending on the situation. “When did you get so cynical?”

You’d acquired an immunity to James’ signature move. You stood your ground as you replied, refusing to give a single fucking inch. “When you told me you were only with me because I was fun until something better came along.”

At that, Bucky’s eyes narrowed in fury and only Natasha’s restraining hand kept him from returning to deck the other man. Starting brawls was more Steve territory, but he’d make an exception in this case.

“I didn't mean it.” James’ eyes were limpid pools of chocolate brown and had once been your downfall. You’d acquired an immunity to that, too.

You replied with truly astringent sarcasm coating every word. “Of course you didn't.” You shot him a look rich with derision and waved your hand dismissively as you continued, “Look, this is boring and stupid so I'm gonna go have coffee with my ex-Russian assassin friends. You and I are back where we started. Get fucked, James.”

With that parting shot, you turned and walked toward said friends, both of whom were grinning at you, Natasha in approval, Bucky in relief and the first real stirrings of hope. Once the coffee shop door was closed behind you, the glee was bursting out of you like light. “Oh my god thank you! You guys just gave me the best exit line.”

Bucky was grinning like a fool at you, already utterly infatuated. Based on your ex-Russian assassins comment, you knew who he was and apparently didn’t give a fuck. “Absolutely my pleasure.”

Lucky for you, the pleasure turned out to be yours. Coffee with Bucky and Natasha was a riot, the two of them making you laugh until you laid your head on the table, tears of mirth streaming down your face. Natasha had a wicked sense of humor and she used it to tease Bucky without mercy, but with affection. He mostly teased her back, but it was clear she had the upper hand in their interactions.

After she left the two of you to go back to work, Bucky explained that her loyalty was to Steve, first and foremost, but because Bucky’s was, too, she had happily made him one of hers. You wondered at that explanation, because even you could see the infamous Black Widow had a soft spot. It occurred to you that Bucky might not see himself very clearly.

Since both you and Bucky had the day off, neither of you even considered following her lead. Two hours later, time that had flown by as Bucky kept you telling him everything about yourself, he noticed the time when his phone lit up with a text from Steve.

Couldn’t help but notice you went out for coffee three hours ago and haven’t returned. Everything okay?

“It’s Steve,” Bucky said. His pretty face was sweetly nervous as he went on. “Should I tell him I’ll be back soon, or would you like to have lunch with me?”

The next second, Bucky was struck stupid by the smile lighting up your face. You’d been smiling all morning but this one was something special, sparkling and sweet. Though you seemed completely at ease, he had been on edge, terrified that he’d end up frightening you. This smile was too beautiful, too open, too sweet. The likes of him could never inspire such a thing, let alone deserve it. He was starting to worry that he’d misheard you and when you found out who he really was you’d hate him.

“If you keep giving me options like that, you may never see Steve again.” You couldn’t help but flirt. He was too pretty and something about the dumbstruck look he was giving you made you bold. “I’d love to have lunch with you. It’ll give me a chance to hear everything about you.”

Bucky’s face fell along with his stomach and he ducked his head to hide behind his hair. The sight had the smile falling from your face. “You don’t want to hear everything.” He muttered it, but it seemed to you the pain was crystal clear.

Your voice was a gently teasing caress when you answered, and the wounded animal inside the man lifted its head warily. “Maybe not today. After all, lunch would be a first date and horror stories are generally fourth date material.” You tipped him a sly wink. “Considering the horror story, we can play it by ear.”

Bucky lifted his head a little to stare at you through his hair in disbelief. Were you… joking? If the half-smile and kindness in your eyes were any indication, you were. The only other person to make light of his past was Clint, but Clint was fucked up.

You were certain now. Bucky didn’t see himself at all clearly. Not only was he sweet, and funny, and intelligent, and easy to talk to, and you could go on all day, he was also so goddamn dreamy, you’d actually gotten lost in his eyes more than once. You were pretty sure he noticed, because he’d gotten an infuriatingly sexy smirk on his face each time you had to shake yourself out of it.

“Sergeant Barnes, I’m a fact-checker by trade and by inclination. I would never consider my due diligence done if I didn’t spend a little time with the primary source. But I don’t give a fuck about your history right now. I’d rather hear about your todays.”

As you spoke, a soft smile played around your lips. The sight had Bucky lifting his head, a spark of hope lighting in his chest. The sound of his rank and last name told him without doubt that you knew. As a matter of fact, you probably knew everything in the public record. Yet your face lit up every time you looked at him. Bucky couldn’t understand it, but couldn’t resist it, like a stray responding to a soft voice and a gentle hand. “My todays are pretty boring,” he replied, his sweet smile creeping back.

“I’m still interested.” Your expression turned sultry and you hoped he caught the double meaning behind the words. From the wicked grin he flashed, you weren’t disappointed.

“Let me text Steve back and then, how do you feel about pizza?”

You spoke seriously, without the barest hint of amusement but your eyes were twinkling. “I have very warm, deeply sensual feelings about pizza.”

Bucky’s whole face seemed to light up as he laughed out loud, his eyes squinting tight with mirth while his mouth stretched wide. You couldn’t help but laugh with him, this the most carefree you’d seen him yet.

Bucky was still chuckling as he bent over his phone. So far, so perfect, he thought. He hadn’t yet found anything to dislike about you. Somehow, you seemed to feel the same and that made him the luckiest man in New York.

Her name’s y/n and I think she has the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen.

Steve snorted when Bucky’s response came through. A girl. Typical. His face spread in an absolutely delighted smile. Nothing made Steve happier than when his friend was typical. You say that every time. 🙄

Bucky was helping you on with your jacket when his phone buzzed again. When he saw Steve’s reply, he glanced at you. With a cheeky grin, you offered your arm. Laughing again, Bucky held up a finger before tapping out an answer as quickly as possible. When he was done, he dropped his phone into his pocket and took your arm with an amused half-smile.

I can’t remember any others. And since she just agreed to have lunch with me, I’ll see you whenever she’s done with me.

Of course, it didn’t end at lunch. After a long meal punctuated by a lot of laughter and good-natured flirting, you ended up walking together, first through a nearby park, then through your favorite bookstore. Before you knew it, it was time for dinner and Bucky was asking you to join him again.

You were agreeing before you’d even fully thought about it. At this point, you’d come to a conclusion. Bucky Barnes was a fucking sweetheart. As long as he kept asking you to spend more time with him, you were going to keep saying yes. And if he kept smiling like that whenever you did, you didn’t know how you were ever going to say no.

Much, much later, after dinner, dessert, and more coffee, Bucky walked you to your door. The two of you had done everything you could to stretch the time out longer and longer, neither of you willing to part, too enthralled with the other’s company, but neither of you could think of any further excuses.

Bucky had his hands in his pockets and his head down, hiding again behind his hair as you unlocked your front door. Instead of opening it, you turned back to him, a soft smile playing at the corners of your lips when you saw him blushing behind the curtain of his hair.

“Bucky,” you said, and the throaty promise in your voice had him easing forward, “it wouldn’t be too forward to kiss me at the end of our first date.”

Once more the grin broke over his face, this one pure male appreciation. “I was hoping that’s what this was.” He teased gently as his bare hand came up, his thumb brushing against your cheek.

You laughed a little breathlessly. That look, desire and humor, had you fluttering coyly at him. “It will be if you kiss me.”

Bucky smiled, but he didn’t touch you except that big warm hand cupping your cheek and tilting your face for his kiss. Your heart was beating like a drum as he eased closer, lust and excitement tangling inside you and leaving you a little dizzy. Your breath caught at the sight of Bucky’s normally arctic eyes burning like the searing blue at the base of a hungry flame as he dipped his head to close his mouth over yours.

The kiss started out soft and sweet, almost chaste, but the feel of the full, pink mouth you’d been fantasizing about for most of the day set your body ablaze. Bucky didn’t move in, however, and it seemed he held you in place with that single hand against your cheek and neck as with lips, teeth, and tongue he coaxed your mouth open. Truthfully, coaxing was not necessary as you were as eager to explore that tempting mouth as he was for yours.

Bucky was close enough you could feel the heat of his body, and between that and his heady scent of leather, tobacco, and spice your head was spinning. The taste of him on your tongue was as seductive as the way he kissed you as though your breath was the only air he needed to survive.

Somehow, that chaste hand in juxtaposition against that blazing hot kiss combined with the other sensory overload to make this the most erotic experience of your life. You weren’t certain you’d live through having sex with him. You were having a hard time convincing yourself to not drag him inside and find out.

“God,” he whispered against your mouth, his breathing ragged, “you really are perfect.” He couldn’t remember another kiss so bright and warm but also dark and hot. He’d found in your mouth the reminder of both happy sighs and wanton moans and the mixture was a dizzying combination of elation and confusion.

Your eyes fluttered open and at your breathless chuckle, his other hand, which he’d kept gloved the entire day, came up to cup your other cheek as he brushed his lips gently over yours once more.

Bucky was nearly shaking with need. He wanted more than anything to yank you against him and feast on the honey and spice he’d discovered inside the sweetest mouth he’d ever tasted. He was determined to be a gentleman, however, because you were entirely too perfect to risk scaring, no matter how fearless you seemed.

“So, first date implies a second,” he murmured. The soft rumble was unbelievably sexy and had you wondering how he sounded first thing in the morning. You didn’t normally move that fast, but lust was clouding your brain.

You knew you had a ridiculous smile on your face. What you didn’t know was its dazzling effect on Bucky, who could hardly believe you were real, the perfect mix of sexy and sweet. He snatched another kiss, unable to resist that sparkling smile.

You laughed a little and reluctantly pulled your face from his gentle hands. You held yours out in front of you palm up. “If you wanna hand me your phone I’ll put my number in it. You can shoot me a text the next time you want to see me.”

Bucky pulled out his phone and unlocked it before handing it over. He toyed with an idea while he grinned at the top of your head where it was bent over his phone. Once you’d handed it back, he stepped back, afraid if he touched you again, he’d end up pushing too far too fast and frightening you.

With a wink and a sultry “Good night,” you slipped into your apartment and leaned against the closed door, your heart pounding in happiness, excitement, and healthy lust. You were so lost in starry-eyed memories of the best first-date of your life, you jumped a little when you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. Pulling it out, you saw an unfamiliar number.

Is it too soon to ask to see you again?

Laughing, you swung the door open, shot a hand out to grab the edge of Bucky’s jacket and dragged him inside. Maybe it was too soon. You didn’t give a fuck.

The attractive 40ish brunette in the bright red dress caught your eye and winked as you and Bucky walked into the coffee shop. Bucky was stopping to pick up the Avengers coffee order on his way back while you were on your way to work. You grinned back at her, recognizing her as the woman with the paper the first time you met Bucky all those months ago.

Outside on the sidewalk once more, you pulled Bucky off to the side and took advantage of Bucky’s full hands to take his beautiful face in yours for a kiss. Since his arms weren’t free to pull you close, maybe you could escape before you were having to sprint to avoid being late for once.

When you reluctantly pulled away for the third time from that delicious mouth, it occurred to you that you may not be blameless in these long morning goodbyes. “You’re going to be late again,” Bucky murmured against your lips, the warning weak.

You pressed your cheek to his, affection and something that felt a lot like love rising up to become an ache in your throat. In the last few months, the least favorite part of any day had become this one, when you had to kiss him goodbye. “Ask me if I give a fuck.”

Bucky turned his head to nip at your bottom lip with a quiet chuckle. “I will not. I know the answer.” It was one of the things he loved most about, your absolute refusal to care about the little shit. Too busy living on your own terms, you were a master at ignoring opinions you didn’t already value. He found it weirdly inspiring.

Bucky spotted a vaguely familiar face in his peripheral vision and smirked. You were busy nuzzling into his throat; Bucky had already cursed himself for not kissing you before he’d loaded up with drink carriers. His voice was an amused drawl as he asked, “Speaking of things you don’t give a fuck about, is that James?”

“James who?” You were humming against his skin, struggling with the rush of emotion, like fluttering wings inside your chest. Because you were cuddled against him, your face buried in his throat, you couldn’t see the downright smug grin on Bucky’s face, but James could. The other man simply turned and walked the other way.

“You really are perfect,” he said as he pressed a kiss to your hair, still frustrated by his full hands. You tilted your head back with a laugh. He’d been saying that from the beginning and it always made you melt a little. You didn’t know it was what he’d taken to saying when he wanted to tell you he loved you. He hadn’t yet gotten the courage to say it out loud.

So tenderly you could help but wonder if he was struggling with that same flutter in his chest, Bucky pressed a soft kiss to your lips and stepped back with a teasing grin. “Get goin’, doll. You’re too tempting, and I don’t want you in trouble again.”

“I like being tempting,” you replied with a flirty smile. You glanced at the time and groaned; you were gonna have to haul ass now. “See you tonight!” you called while walking backward a few steps and blowing noisy kisses. Bucky was still laughing as you turned away to start your run to work.

Bucky was still grinning when a couple of blocks away, he came around a corner to find himself face-to-face with the guy you’d dated before him. He didn’t even try to stop himself from saying what he’d wanted to for months.

“Hey buddy! I wanted to tell you: on the one hand I want to punch you in your fucking face for treating my girl like shit, but on the other if you hadn’t, she wouldn’t be my girl. So, thanks. Asshole.”

With a taunting smirk, Bucky walked around the gaping man and kept walking. Behind him he heard James’ outraged shout. Bucky neither stopped nor turned. “I’d give you the finger, but my hands are full,” he shouted back instead.

That had probably been immature and had definitely been unnecessary. Bucky didn’t give a fuck.

The End

Permanent Taglist:

@suz-123 @cheekygeek05 @lbouvet @rishlo @diinofayce @bibliophile1773 @thatawkwardlittlefangirl

[tartaricing]

Commission For Dee

A lighthearted femslash story featuring his OC’s Sunny and Ellie

Orientation Day 1, State Science University

The campus was bustling with waves of freshman and their parents and their siblings. Boxes and boxes of belongings weaved through the halls and up through the stairs and elevators of the dorms. Orientation staff hopped up and coffee and Adderall chirped and squeaked directions to lost family and student alike. The warm sunlight sifted through the trees that lined the walkways from building to building.

And one of those rays highlighted the very blonde hair of one such freshman, Sunny. Sunny graduated from a local high school with accolades enough to cover herself. Like some freshmen, she had no anxieties in making new friends and cracking jokes. She currently was lugging up the last box out her family’s Geo.

Sunny’s mother was clucking about like a mother hen, pulling the bed sheets to exact tightness. Sunny’s father was checking the outlets to see if all her devices were supported.

“There’s too little outlets, Sunny,” Her father told her, taking the box off her hands, “After we get everything settled, we’re going to the hardware store.” He was an old, stocky man with a bright and full mustache. His passion for electricity powered her ambition for robotics, which brought her a good amount of the said accolades. Sunny’s little brother bounced around, being a twelve-year old with decently managed ADHD.

“Power bar!” He jumped into the bed.

“That’s what we need, yes,” Her father replied.

“Adrian!” Her mother gasped, peeling her son off and redoing the sheets, “This is your sister’s room!”

“No, no, it’s alright mom, really,” Sunny stammered, “Classic Adrian,” she chuckled as she took her stress ball and threw it at Adrian.

=

Across the hall from Sunny’s room was another freshman, maroon-haired, tall, and slim. She was quietly unpacking her bags and blowing the dust off the frames of the family photos. Her name was Ellie, but unlike Sunny she came from a few states over. Ellie’s parents were both in administration, so they couldn’t be as present as they wanted to be. Her older sister was a nurse so she could only give a care package. The commotion across the hall made Ellie homesick so she opened her door ajar to see it.

She took a clandestine glance and then slid down the door, hushed. Her hands covered her rosy cheeks.

There was a cute girl! A cute blonde girl with a distinct bust. With a cute little blonde family.

She had to look again. Then the blonde girl noticed and waved hello. Ellie blushed even harder, sinking into the scratchy carpet. Her heart pounded, just like the times she played pranks using the provisions in the chemistry lab. Even as president of the chemistry club, she still loved the thrill of a prank. Hell, she even had the academic smarts to create the most beautiful and legendary of pranks.

However, to save face, she kept unpacking and smiling over a girl so cute.

=

After all has been said and done, Sunny and her family set out to the hardware store. Sunny peeped out to the room across the hall, trying to search for the girl she smiled at her. The girl’s maroon hair stood out to her, as also her slim figure.

Her mother chastised her, but she kept her gaze until she reached the elevator.

=

The moon shone on the solar panel roof of the dorm building. Ellie sat down on her provided chair, which creaked with every small rock. She instead chewed on a stick of rock candy, looking at the moon and thinking of her family and sister back home. She took a big inhale of the university air, took out her rock candy, and let out a big exhale.

This was her life now, a single minnow in a sea of glimmering minnow.

Unless…

A small thud on her door was heard, then a slow creak as it was slowly opened ajar. Sunny peeped in. Ellie almost fell out her chair, grabbing the falling rock candy. She caught the candy end.

“Did I bother you?” Sunny sheepishly asked.

“N-no,” Ellie shuddred at the wet and hard candy in her hand.

“Well, I don’t think I could be normal holding something wet and hard in my hand either,” Sunny giggled.

“Don’t forget sticky,” Ellie added, laughing. The two girls laughed for a bit.

“My name’s Sunny, and I think I’m your neighbor across,” Sunny calmed down enough to say something coherent, reaching her hand out.

“My name’s Ellie,” The maroon-haired replied, “Nice to meet you.” She shook Sunny’s hand with her dry hand, “And yes, you are my neighborino across.”

“And like a good neighborino, we should go to the bathroom to clean that hand.” Ellie put the rock candy back into her mouth and lead themselves to the women’s bathroom below.

“So what’s your major?” Sunny asked, wiping her hands.

“Chemistry,” Ellie spoke nervously. She thanked the heavens for the high-quality Dyson dryer.

“What!?” Sunny was confused.

“CHEMISTRY!”

“WHAT?”

“CHEMISTRY!!” Ellie broke through the wind of the dryer.

“Oh, that’s not too far off from what I’m doing.”

“What are you here for?”

“Mechanical Engineering.”

“Damn, that’s impressive.”

“Yeah, I got straight in. No waitlists or provisional acceptances.”

“Hot damn! I knew the waitlist was super long. I’m just happy I’m here ‘cuz the girl ahead of me got deported.”

Sunny’s jaw dropped, “That’s terrible! How would you know that?”

“My volunteering in the admissions office was another chip that got me in,” Ellie sighed, both hands in pockets, “I managed to get a peep at the spreadsheet one day and managed to see my name in the green and her in the yellow. The day before my name was in the yellow and her in the green. Now that I think about it, her name was red now. I was about to do a drug joke because it said and arrest and deportation, but that’s too dangerous of a prank.”

“Oh my goodness!” Sunny started to giggle in shock.

“Hey, I’m only being honest.”

“That’s a ballsy way to talk about your circumstances of your own admission.”

“Well, my mom told me if I can’t be pretty, be funny.”

“That’s good advice, I guess…?”

“Ladies! Curfew is in effect!” The guard reminded them, “Y’all got major orientations anyway! Go to sleep!”

“Sorry, miss,” Sunny apologized, dragging Ellie up the stairs. Ellie felt her face get hot as she closely at the guard. She regained her senses after realizing that was the guard that kept kicking her out of the garden.

“Wanna exchange numbers?” Ellie asked as they got to their rooms, “Those orientations get boring, you know.”

“Yeah, sure,” Both whipped out their smartphones and exchanged numbers.

“Good night!” Both greeted each other as they went to sleep. As far as Ellie was concerned, she felt like she shouldn’t wash her hand.

=

Orientation Day 2, State Science University

“Look to your left…” A Chemistry professor drone on. Ellie was nestled between two international students sitting upright and attentive. She buried her chin in her hands and gazed on.

“Look to your right,” He droned on, “Those are going to be the people who leave in this major in a semester or less…” Ellie instantly perked up and looked both ways, snickering to herself. ‘If those are the people that are leaving, then I’m in good hands,’ she thought to herself as she slipped her phone out and started to text.

A phone vibrated elsewhere in the Engineering Hall. Sunny felt it through her jacket pocket. Embarrassed, she gave a stealthy attempt to see the reason why. She started to regret her inclination to sitting in the front. The Engineering Dean was droning on about the need of using the state-of-the-art technology.

“In order to really advance in this major, you really have to use technology, and I’m not just talking about computers. We have tuners, oscillators, and all the lathes our faculty needs to conduct their research. You cannot be tech-illiterate here!” The dean was staring at the projector that was illuminating his lily-white polo. Students started to whisper and giggle.

Sunny then saw her opening, fully taking the phone out her jacket and seeing a text notification from Ellie.

You know that whole ‘look to your left then look to your right’ thing? I literally sat between two international students. That made me feel better lol.

Sunny exhaled in amusement and replied, ‘Omg Ellie. Mine’s just droning about tech. Does he realize we literally grew up with technology?’

These speeches are a mix of prideful and sad

Ikr! Wanna eat at Starbucks after this?

Kk

=

So Sunny and Ellie met each other between the two science halls. Sunny threw a stress ball at Ellie. Ellie caught it and threw it back. The girls tossed it between each other and did impressions of all their speakers at their major orientations.

“Look to your left, look to your right,” Ellie contorted her face and did a nasal accent, “Those are the ones who won’t survive.”

“You gotta use technology!” Sunny chortled as she crossed her eyes, “Even though one-hundred percent of the student body has lived with technology all their lives!” Both broke down laughing afterwards as they saw a bemused student with a worried look.

“Dude we should really go, or else people will designate us as the freaks!”

“Yeah, those lines get hella long!”

=

The girls stood in line, squinting at the menu. The whole restaurant was packed, filled to the brim with students in front and behind the counter.

“So what’s a drink that doesn’t scream white girl?” Ellie drawled.

“Anything that isn’t a Pumpkin Spice Latte,” Sunny replied and shrugged.

“What are you ordering?”

“I’m thinking about a frappe.”

“Me too.”

“Wanna help me with this one puzzle?” Sunny took her phone out and started to play 7 Words. Ellie took her phone and started to fiddle with it. “Are you using Google? Seriously?”

“Why not?” Ellie stuck her tongue out, “I’m just checking if I’m right, haha!”

“Dude, we’re next!” Sunny tapped the other girl’s back.

“Oh shit!” Both got ready to order as they saw another girl finish her order. They stiffened and waddled to the counter.

“What do you ladies want?” The barista asked them both, sunken-eyed and low-voiced.

“Ummm,” Ellie stammered, “I’ll have a grande java chip frappe…” She started to fumble for her debit card. She then felt Sunny push forward, holding out a credit card.

“Make that two,” Sunny added, “I’ll cover for the both of us.” The barista acknowledged them and started on their order after taking Sunny’s credit card. The girls then huddled at the pickup counter.

“You didn’t have to do that, but thanks,” Ellie stammered more. She felt hot on her cheeks but it wasn’t the crowd talking.

“Hey, I want us to start on a good foundation,” Sunny patted her back, “I’m sure we’re gonna do nicer things in the future.”

“I hope so…”

“TWO GRANDE JAVA CHIP FRAPPES FOR SUNNY!”

“Find us a table, please,” Sunny asked, “That’s ours.” She grabbed the drinks.

=

Ellie and Sunny were settled in a table near the window. They were both looking below at the center atrium of the campus.

“So what’s your family like?” Sunny began.

“Well, we’re all busy people,” Ellie answered, “My parents are administrators at a bank and my older sister’s a nurse. I’m the youngest but I’ve made do with volunteering, Chemistry club, and working part-time.”

“Where do you work? I heard the laws were strict about age requirements and all that.”

“It’s under the table but I did waitressing, but boy my parents were disappointed,” Ellie said in a disappointed huff, “I had to quit for school.”

“Well at least it makes your application good. I don’t see the issue.”

“See? Also there’s money, since I earned some, they realized I can shoulder some of my own fees. It’s helpful since I’m not a local, since I flew from a few states over.”

“No wonder you were by yourself in your room on move-in day. It must be lonely,” Sunny put her hand on Ellie’s.

“It’s not bad, like I miss my family but I feel the space is good for me.” Ellie leaned in to drink her frappe. She pinched her straw, “So how’s your family? It must be a crowd to hear all that noise from your hyper brother.”

“We’re rather close. My dad’s a handyman and my mom is an illustrator. She used to be an art director but she had to step down when my little brother’s ADHD ramped up.”

“That explains a lot.”

“Yeah, he was much worse when we were younger. He got into a lot of fights before my mom found a therapist, tutor, and a break-dance teacher.”

“Oh shit!”

“He listened to my mom the most, and he’d never dare fight with her. Never a dull moment in the house, but I feel like I’m going to miss it staying here.”

“This is college, people say we branch out here.”

“True, I met some girls from other schools in my major.”

“And I think I can get used to this city.” Ellie squeezed Sunny’s hand, leaning back into her seat. Sunny giggled. “From the looks of you, I’m guessing the locals aren’t half bad.”

“I’m guessing your state isn’t half bad either looking at you.”

“Oh! I think I got something to spice things up!” Ellie perked up, pulling her hand back.

“Cards of Humanity?”

“Naw, that shit ran out the first hour the store opened.”

“Well what is it? The store isn’t all that fabulous.”

“It’s not a thing, but a question.”

“Ooooh, sock it to me!”

“Okay, what’s the worst thing you did in high school?” Both girls started to giggle then ponder the question, with the sunlight dancing on their clothes and illuminating their hair. Ellie tapped her fingers on the table. Sunny wringed her hands. Students wove past their table, refusing to use their inside voices over scheduling and classes. Ellie started staring into Sunny’s golden eyes, thinking about how fitting the name really was. How much her blonde hair blended with the sun to her giving personality even to the most annoying dorm neighbor. Her porcelain skin didn’t help matters, and Ellie felt the pressure of a hundred sets or eyes on her. The maroon-haired girl gave a rattling exhale and leaned into Sunny, beginning a particularly long whisper.

Sunny’s eyes widened as she felt Ellie’s cheek brush against hers. In a sea of ‘Oh my god’s’ and soft brutal giggling she began to realize how graceful Ellie truly was. Even though Ellie was brusque and had a darker sense of comedy, she was slim and always was able to navigate through the campus like an art form. Her straight red hair always glided behind her, even at the windiest and roughest of times. The blonde’s trail of thought stopped as Ellie moved back.

“Your turn,” Ellie smirked.

“Could he ever smell normally again?” Sunny asked in concern.

“Yeah, but on that day he could smell how well he taught.”

“Oh, haha,” Sunny leaned in, “I guess I have something.” The blonde took as much time as the maroon-haired one. Ellie’s eyes snapped wide open. By the time Sunny was done, Ellie’s jaw was on the table.

“Dude that’s some illegal shit!” Ellie laid herself deeper into the chair, “I thought you were a goody-two shoes but holy shit!”

“I only did it because my friend unfairly lost a scholarship. It’s probably one of the most useful things these,” pointing to her prominent bust, “have ever done. My shame is outweighed by the fact she has her scholarship back.”

“But hey, sisters over misters!” Ellie lifted up her hand for a high five. Sunny returned it.

=

Orientation Day 3, State Science University

Sunny and Ellie sat in the middle room of the main auditorium. Today was the most mentally heavy day of the week: Student Conduct. Even though the university had shed their religious titles and traditions, they still held fast to their values. The university ombudsman was droning about academic honesty and that if you even cheat once, it will weigh heavy on you.

“Here at State Science, we believe that cheating is the one of the worst crimes you can commit here! You not only hurt yourself, but you hurt others. We’re here to learn and we can’t learn if we cheat. Plagiarism puts you on academic probation, no more, no less,” The ombudsman pounded the podium, causing a sleepy Ellie to wake up.

“Shit!” Ellie pipped up from her seat, eyes darting everywhere. Sunny smiled, amused at her reactions.

“The way you react to things is so cute!” Sunny wiggled in her chair.

“Being woken up by an old geezer pounding the podium isn’t cute, Sunny!” Ellie whispered harshly, blushing.

“Neither is sitting through this speech,” Sunny stuck her tongue out. Both slowly started to lean towards each other.

=

Math 201: Calculus I, First Lecture

After everything has settled, Sunny had checked her map multiple times and asked multiple people if this was the right classroom. She sat down at the front of the hall, putting the swivel desk down and opening her tablet. The professor then came in and introduced himself, giving Sunny the relief she needed.

When someone like Sunny did well in trigonometry, the lecture flew by quickly, as she just looked attentively and barely wrote anything. People flocked out of the building, while she sat down, taking it all in.

‘…This is my life now,’ Sunny thought to herself, “Hard work and lectures. Ellie’s probably off somewhere in the Engineering Hall. Don’t think there’s time for that anymore.”

At the drop of a hat, Ellie swooped in and sat down next to Sunny.

“You’re taking this class too?” Sunny gasped, surprised and sinking into her chair.

“Yeah, it’s required for me too,” Ellie smiled, “At least it’s more bearable now you’re here.”

“Same here.”

“Oh, Sunny… There’s something I want to ask you.”

“What is it? If it’s for answers be prepared to be on probation.”

“Look, I got the grades too!” Ellie spat, indignant, “Look…”

“I’m looking.”

“Do… You want to go out with me? Like a date?” Ellie scratched her head, nervous.

“Yes!” Sunny jumped from her seat and gave a bear hug to Ellie.

Both women heartily laughed at the new development.

[heavymetalriz]

Phenibut – The Most Elusive High

I enjoy taking drugs, especially performance enhancers, mood boosters, and mind melters.

Every once in awhile I catch wind of something I just need to try, based on heavy research. Over the last six months or so I have been using phenibut in various forms, and I’ll share my thoughts here.

If you decide you are going to take a substance of any kind, take the time to do a ton of research.

This will help reduce any level of fear and anxiety you might have when taking a drug for the first time.

Usually you can find a number of forum posts, blog posts, or Reddit threads where people discuss their experiences. Spend an entire day reading a variety of opinions, facts, reviews, and negative takes.

Just about every drug out there has been taken by thousands of people, and their information can be invaluable to you if you are just getting started.

I heard about phenibut from Chris at Good Looking Loser and then later Victor Pride at Red Supplements. Both of those guys are partners in the Red Supplements brand.

Been following those guys for awhile now, and I trust their opinion on a variety of topics, drugs included.

Phenibut has been paraded by many as the “ultimate anti-anxiety social drug” that apparently has very little negative side effects. I am always skeptical as hell of any such claim, but after doing plenty of research I couldn’t find too many bad reviews…

The following is a brutally honest account of my experience with this drug.

Product – Happy Hippo Herbals Phenibut 99.9% pure

When it comes to buying product, I had no idea where to start. Since I’ve followed Chris from GLL for awhile now, I decided to place my trust there.

The product is well priced (seemingly cheap as hell) considering the amount you get. It also arrived within days after my order.

It arrived in a white pouch with a small scoop so you can measure out about 500 mg, which is a standard dose.

Now, I’m bigger than the average dude at 6’3” 185 or so, so I usually up the ante a bit when it comes to taking drugs.

Recommended doses are usually on the conservative side, and I’m the kind of person that wants to go all-in to know right from the start how it feels. Using the spoon, I took roughly 750 mg with water.

Taste

Potent, hyper-tang like a lime. Not necessarily unpleasant, but not great either. I later mixed it with orange juice or something else to mask it a bit but overall it’s not too bad.

Effect

Within about 30-45 minutes I began to feel a slight euphoria. Kind of like a clear-headed, happy buzz. This increased dramatically at about the hour and a half mark and I was feeling great – smiley, no brain fog, energetic, wily.

A lot of people describe it as an alcohol-like buzz, but without the drunken effects to mobility, speech, etc. I would agree with that in a way. It definitely has a distinct feeling that is unique but it’s cleaner and “happier” than booze…

I want to describe it as a clear-headedness that doesn’t come around very often. This makes you feel great while simultaneously reducing any anxiety you might have. It certainly does make you “feel” more social, and tends to mitigate the stress from “things on the mind.”

It’s almost like a runner’s high on steroids. That energy boost you get from a solid workout or a long run? It’s like that but much more powerful and lasts longer.

Music

One of the reasons I was excited to take this was that some claim music sounds better on phenibut.

Now, the REASON I got into weed in the first place was because music, without question, is more dynamic and powerful when you are stoned. Anyone that hasn’t figured this out yet is missing out big time on an amazing part of life.

I have to disagree on the phenibut-music enhancement.

For one, I think you are just happier, so when you listen to your favorite songs, you become excited as normal. I don’t think music sounds better I think your state of happiness is just more elevated than usual.

With weed, your senses are enhanced. There is a strong soulful connection to the music that seemingly didn’t exist for whatever reason. Maybe it did, but it’s not easy to access without a catalyst.

With phenibut, this isn’t the case in my opinion, and weed is superior in this regard. I wouldn’t buy phenibut if you are chasing some sort of music enhancer.

Duration

The first high went on for a solid three hours before it began to wane. It persisted until I decided to hit the sack.

I had absolutely no trouble sleeping. In fact, when I woke up I had one of the most refreshing sleeps that I’ve had in a long time. I felt tremendous the next day and began to wonder if this drug would make a great sleep aid.

Now, I’m the kind of guy that sometimes can’t get enough of a good drug. This is definitely nothing to be proud of and it can certainly lead to dangerous behavior.

Around noon the next day I took another full dose to chase that same high. However…

Tolerance

If there is a major knock on this drug, it is the tolerance factor.

I have never in my life taken anything where one day you are flying high and enjoying the benefits, and just a day later the same dose or even more does absolutely nothing.

When I say nothing, I am not talking about a small drop off, a mitigation, what have you.

I mean it’s like you never took it at all.

This is incredibly strange and I am sure there is a physiological reason for it, but it sure does suck.

On some level, perhaps it’s good. In my mind it’s like a fuse that blows that simply shuts it all down until it’s replaced some time later.

In some cases it took a week or more to get back to the point where phenibut had an effect.

One might argue this is ideal for addictive personalities. You use, then you lose until further notice.

It is because of this very fact that I have a love/hate relationship with phenibut.

On one hand, I’ve had an absolute blast playing a gig or out for the night after a nice dosage.

On the other, I often have no idea when the hell I can do it again. Three days? One week? Three weeks?

Sometimes the tolerance buildup felt like a total immunity for an entire month. In some cases I waited two weeks or more and still barely felt the effects without substantially upping the dose (which I never want to do).

Therefore, phenibut is that drug I keep on the shelf for that one special occasion where I might want to feel a nice boost for the night. One order could keep me going forever, which is why it feels like it’s priced low. Not an expert on the market, so can’t speak to it.

Red Monkey – 4-8 capsules

My next order was Red Monkey from Red Supplements.

This product contains phenibut combined with some other nootropics. I honestly don’t know much about the other ingredients so I can’t comment on them specifically.

Dosage

The first time I took Red Monkey I was given a sample by V Pride himself out in LA. I popped the recommended four pills and then went to a Guns N’ Roses concert at Dodger Stadium.

For the first five hours or so I shockingly felt almost nothing. It took a very long time to start feeling even a slight buzz resembling my last major experience with phenibut.

I didn’t drink or smoke some herb in order to keep the experience pure.

The show was a great time and it wasn’t until the end, hours after I had taken it, that I felt the effects. I did have a large sized meal before the show, so it could have definitely slowed down the process.

At the very end of the show, while walking out, it hit me hard.

I felt amazing.

Honestly, I felt so incredibly clear headed and the willingness to socialize was very apparent. I talked with my Uber driver for awhile and told him that after GNR, my plan was to get on a plane, fly home, get off the plane in Philly and head straight to Black Sabbath.

I’m normally great with people but this guy literally called me a “legend” and told me he would tell my tale to all of his riders for the remainder of the week. He was referring to the story mostly, but I did have an extra powerful flow of wit at the time.

But HOLD on a minute, this review isn’t over.

I ordered a few more bottles of the Monkey and have been taking it ever since.

Strangely, I have never been able to achieve that same god mode that I was able to achieve the first time.

I have definitely felt great, clear headed, and in the zone while on this product. I gave some to a buddy of mine and he shared a similar experience – one or two phenomenal nights, and many “OK” experiences.

Again, it absolutely sucks that the tolerance factor is so powerful here.

At this point, I literally need to decide if I might be “wasting” my tolerance break on any given day or night.

Will it work? Will god mode return? Has it been long enough?

Using this drug has now become “strategic.”

At this point I am taking it only once or twice a month. It feels like one bottle will last me forever, which is good, but at the same time I’d like to take it more often god damnit!

Drug Combos

I like to experiment. My experience is as follows:

Phenibut and alcohol – Gives a minor boost to the phenibut high. I never get sloshed drunk, so I can’t speak to the extreme. Did not feel dangerous, nor did it disrupt the positive effects.

Just don’t be stupid and be responsible with alcohol intake. Drinking a lot will make you feel like shit regardless. Nothing special with this combo.

Phenibut and adderall – I love me some speed, and in this case the results are kind of mixed. On one hand it seemed to greatly enhance the happy high, but occasionally clashed with the adderall comedown.

It could have been general stress at the time, but I feel like this combination made me a little more antsy and produced more of an anxiety. This could have also been a slight fear of combining drugs. Nothing special here either.

Phenibut and weed – I don’t smoke too much anymore due to acid flashbacks, but in the few times I did I can say that this combo feels perfectly safe health wise.

I miss the giddy days of marijuana with low tolerance and long lasting highs, so I probably can’t even really comment on this combo with enough confidence to give it its due. I don’t smoke enough and haven’t run enough trials to provide good insight.

Final Thoughts

The high – great when it hits.

Elusive. Brutal tolerance gaps where even high doses have no effect.

Happy, clear-headed, low anxiety.

I would recommend it, but you can’t use it too frequently.

Everyone is different. Tell me how it went for you in the comments below.

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