#after having the loneliest two years of my life after returning home from studying a broad

[loverjpg]

my birthday is on friday and i've not had a birthday party in years cause i've not had enough friends but this is the first year i'm celebrating again and every time i think about it i wanna tear up 🥺

[official-weasley]

Headcanon time! (Part 3)

So @am-i-space and I have been talking about dragons (as one normally does on a Sunday afternoon) and of course, our imagination went wild! Now, we know that our dragon lover works in Romania and we have learned about a few species (even seen a few of them in movies without Charlie but okay let's not discuss that here) of dragons but like, let's face it there are more!

The second I have learned about other schools and that they have dragons guarding the vaults in Gringotts I had a HC that the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary isn't the only one!

I can see one being in Canada, somewhere high up in the mountains and the same goes for South America. Of course, one would also be somewhere in the Himalayas. And let's face it the breeds we have all grown to love aren't the only ones!

Of course, Charles Weasley agrees with us 110% and after working in the Sanctuary for 10-15 years he takes a bit of a breather (not from dragons, of course) and travels the world in the hopes to see as many of them as he can. He borrows dad's camera (the one Bill got for him in my other HC where they go and see alpacas) and he starts his adventure.

So, let's start with the sea! I agree with @am-i-space like what do we know about oceans, really? Bloody nothing, that's what! So they proposed that there are water dragons and I am 100% on board with that. Just imagine them swimming around, ever so gracefully, blowing bubbles when they breathe! And they would have the most beautiful scales which would reflect in the sun ranging from dark green to purple and blue and even though they are BIG they are friendly and swim with the dolphins and communicate with whales.

Nobody will convince me that when Charlie goes to observe this beautiful behavior and hears the water dragons sing their mating song for the first time he doesn't cry his eyes out because he can swear that he has never heard such a beautiful sound before and would never get tired of it and is honestly thinking about moving in the middle of the ocean so he could wake up to those sounds every morning.

The next stop on his journey would be to find out if the rumors about ice dragons are true. Charlie, as smart as he is, knew that the most probable location to see if they are real would be the Himalayas. So he wrote to the Himalayan Sanctuary to stay there for a couple of weeks to explore in peace. The dragonologists he talked to there all said that they have given up hope to see one and that despite the rumors that they are hiding one in their reserve they had to disappoint him because they don't have it.

So Charlie put on the hat, the scarf, and the gloves (he knitted himself thank you very much!) and headed out, determined that he will find the ice dragon!

After about a week of hiking and his muscles aching, he began to lose hope to see one. He knew that he would need more time and that he would be ridiculously lucky to see one in such a short amount of time but he also knew that he has to take care of himself and put his health first so he headed back.

A day in, he heard something that sounded like a cry for help. It was in dangerous territory and he probably shouldn't go there but it really sounded like a baby dragon and there won't be a day in his life where Charlie Weasley wouldn't help a dragon in need.

He gasped when he came to the spot the cries were coming from. He saw something white and silver move in a huge pile of snow which looked like an aftermath of an avalanche. He hurried to see what was making the sounds and if the creature was okay at once.

The second he started to remove the snow around the creature he knew he has found one - an ice dragon! The baby dragon was frightened and looked at Charlie with appreciative eyes when he picked him up and started to look around to where this little guy could come from.

He remembered that baby dragons are really good at finding their way back to their mothers so once he brought the cub to safety he put him down and observed his behavior.

When his little ice friend stopped being disoriented he started crying again and howling toward the nearby mountain.

"Of course!" Charlie pressed his hand on his forehead and shook his head. Of course, the reason he couldn't find an ice dragon before, was because they live on the highest loneliest peeks.

Charlie was looking up at the one in front of him, thinking how in the bloody hell is he supposed to get up there with all his gear, tired muscles, and a baby dragon to top it all off!

Then he remembered that while it might not be humanly possible, a bit of magic could do the trick! He gently tied the little guy to his bag and took out his wand. He walked to the bottom of the mountain and then he cast the levitation charm on himself.

Every time he saw a platform that looked stable enough to stand on he stopped to take a few breaths and see how his friend was doing. The higher they got the more cheerful the little one got and Charlie knew they were getting closer.

Charlie put his wand away when they landed in front of what looked like a cave. Charlie gently untied the dragon and put him on the ground. The dragon let out the cutest little roar that made Charlie's heart melt and the ground beneath them started to shake.

Charlie gulped and didn't find his idea to return the dragon back home smart anymore when a gigantic version of his white-silver friend appeared in front of him. The dragon mother looked mad but cautious. The cub ran to her - trying his hardest to fly - and started making purring noises. The ice dragon momma sniffed her baby and then sniffed Charlie which was the coldest breath he has ever felt on his skin.

After she was done, he ushered her cub inside, and with a wiggle of his tail at Charlie, his ice friend disappeared inside the cave. Once his mother made sure he was safe, she turned back to Charlie and roared right in his face.

Charlie, who was used to dragons do that every day back in Romania, didn't even blink. His calm composure impressed the ice dragon and she carefully turned around and lowered herself to the ground.

Charlie knew what she was doing but still couldn't believe it! The dragon is going to let him fly on her! He was only so lucky 2 times with the dragons in the Sanctuary and they knew him for years and this one was just patiently waiting for him to get ready as if he was here every day.

The second Charlie stroked the cold silver scales on her back, the dragon started fluttering her wings, and before Charlie had a chance to gasp they were in the air - making a full circle around the dragon's home and then slowly losing altitude until they were at the bottom of the mountain.

Charlie thanked the dragon and apologized for not having anything for her to eat while the ice mother replied with breathing icy cold air straight into Charlie's face. He was observing her flying back up to her cub and he knew that he could take a picture of her but since nobody knew they were here and were probably pretty rare he decided to just keep the memory of the experience close to his heart and returned to the Sanctuary.

The last stop of his - so far absolute epic adventure - was the Sanctuary in South America which was hidden deep in the Andes mountain range. There he met a few very exotic species of dragons who reminded him a lot of the Welsh Greens he took after in Romania except that these were of all sorts of colors from red to violet.

After the tour of the reserve, 2 of the Dragonologists took him to what looked like a highly protected and secluded habitat and told him that they only share this information with other dragonologists.

Charlie was excited to see what they are hiding but he wasn't prepared for what he saw once they got there. It was a storm dragon - sky blue with a white mane.

"But I thought they were extinct." Was all Charlie managed to say before approaching the beautiful creature to fully take in what was resting in front of him.

The two dragonologists told him that he is the last of its kind and that he must be protected at all costs until his very last breath which hopefully the day that happens is still very very far away.

Charlie's 2 new friends allowed him to spend a few hours with the mighty beast and as he was sitting there, studying it, Charlie couldn't believe that all his dreams were coming true.

The next day when he was having dinner in a nearby restaurant he heard some of the locals there whisper about a creature called el chupacabra. He has heard of the creature before - mostly when he read Muggle folklore. However, these people weren't describing a dog-like creature. No! It sounded like they were talking about dragons except that they described the creature as fairly small and surely no breed of a dragon is that small?

Because this information didn't allow Charles Weasley the dragon lover (not obsessor, only lover) to sleep at night he decided to venture into the Amazonian rainforest and see the creature for himself.

He was only walking for 5 hours this time around when he heard unusual squeaking noises. They led him to a meadow that appeared to be empty at first. Because he was parched, he sat down at the edge of it, took off his backpack, drank some water, and unwrapped a sandwich he prepared in the morning.

The second the smell of his delicious meal spread he saw a few heads poke out of the tall grass. Charlie couldn't believe his eyes! They were dragons and the locals were right - they were so small! More and more dragons started to approach him and at this point, Charlie started to think he was in heaven because this was too good to be true.

They appeared to be friendly and awfully playful. He was also in awe by their size as some were as small as crup puppies while the biggest was about to his waist in height.

Charlie had no choice but to share his sandwich for which he was rewarded with licks and wiggling tails. These dragons didn't breathe fire as Charlie expected but big puffs of air that soothed him in this Amazonian heat. They came in all sorts of colors from different hues of green and brown and some were even yellow and orange.

They were absolutely beautiful and even though they had the structure of most dragons there was something about them that Charlie couldn't wrap his mind about. He narrowed his eyes and observed one for solid 5 minutes before he figured it out.

They had a fluffball of hair on the top of their heads making them the only breed Charlie has ever laid his eyes on to have fur and it made them extra adorable!

He spent the rest of his afternoon chasing and playing with the fluffs (as he called them) and because he was having so much fun he forgot about the time, making him almost spend the night in the jungle.

As he was returning he couldn't stop the smile that was spreading from one of his ears to the other as he deemed his adventure more than successful and he couldn't wait to take another breather like this because he is sure that there are even more breeds out there to see and admire!

[wedreamedlove]

Xu Mo and Loneliness [Character Study]

Surprise! It's essay time again ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ! Disclaimer: I use CN translations because Elex...

One (of the many) things I love about Xu Mo's character is his juxtapositions [Character Study]. He is one of the loneliest men in the world due to his archetype and nature [Into Your World] but also the most susceptible to loneliness.

Throughout the game, he's dropped hints about his fear of being left behind:

"... But the sensitive artist was also afraid the butterfly would one day grow tired of being beside him, and so he thought about catching the butterfly and putting it in a glass jar. Like this, the butterfly would never be able to leave him." [Drowning in Love SSR - Artist and Butterfly Call]

"... But if I really did encounter the one and only color in my life, then I certainly wouldn't let them go." [Drowning in Love SSR - The Only Color Call]

"... No matter what the truth may be, I'll always be with you. Until the very moment it arrives... I just hope that, at that time, you won't want to push me away." [CH12 - Truth and False Call]

MC: Don't worry, I'll be alright on my own. Xu Mo: But I'm not alright alone. [CH13.4]

But, at the same time, he's accepted the adage that "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all":

"The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat." [CH9.14]

Just to expand on this for those who are unfamiliar with The Little Prince story, when the Little Prince is going to leave the fox, the fox says that it is going to cry. The Little Prince feels that his taming of the fox has done it no good at all, because now it's hurt, but the fox denies this because now it has the color of the wheat fields.

"Since she was willing to gently embrace all that he was, then why not accept this pain in his heart that was caused by her alone." [Overseas Date]

"Forget it, he'll just be foolish once more with this foolish girl." [True Love Date]

One other aspect of his juxtapositions is how his wants and needs are in conflict and I think people are naturally picking up on this, which is why he's viewed as having a really intense relationship with the MC.

I'm just going to define my words in this context to make things clearer but a "want" is your desire in life, while a "need" is your raison d'etre, essentially your reason for living and your goal in life. It's not necessary for all stories or characters to have this, but they're certainly more captivating with this. (As an aside, Zhou Qiluo has this going for him too while Li Zeyan and Bai Qi do not... and maybe why Bai Qi keeps getting hit with the vanilla and boring label LOL).

So, what does Xu Mo want? To love the MC and, as a byproduct, never be alone again. What does he need? The continuing survival (and evolution) of humankind, even if that means walking a path that will leave people behind him and end with him being alone.

This internal conflict is something we see again and again in the game:

[CH13] He reveals his identity to her as Ares, but lets her go. He even sacrifices his eye and the ability to see her color.

[CH16] They're "enemies" and they draw a clear line between them at the news conference, but he then saves her and returns her home. He sacrifices their experience together in the dream world and his answer to her question about whether or not he'd even offer up the person important to him for his goals.

”Before I met you, I would be annoyed at the pace of the people with me. Everyone has their own destination and a person walking by themselves would be quicker. Mm, this isn't a good custom. But on my path, whenever I turn my head back, I would always find that you had already caught up to my side. This time as well. Perhaps, in this world, you're the only person who can make me unable to resist looking back. Or perhaps you're the only person who can reach my side again and again. So, in the future, I won't let go anymore. On this day, next year, you'll be at my side too.“ [2019 (2nd) Birthday Call]

Now, the entire reason I wrote up this post—LOL. I'm actually half-serious because his [Endless Path Date] is amazing in how they distilled his character to one of his core themes and represented that facet entirely in this AU date.

I'm going to be jumping around chronologically in the date to show how he was in the past, to the present before MC regained her memories, to after she regained her memories.

PAST

Xu Mo: I hope you don't regret the choice you made this day.

MC: ... I admit I hate them, but I don't wish to be the same as them because of this.

MC: I don't want to become a murderous demon.

Xu Mo seemed to be a bit surprised and then, after a few seconds, the crimson in his eyes faded and became a calm purple, scrutinizing me.

Xu Mo: A murderous demon... Do you believe that I am one as well?

His voice carried a smile, but I felt a formless pressure and sense of terror surround me and I shuddered.

MC: You aren't. You saved me.

Although the way was to turn me into a vampire... in a sense, he gave me a "new life".

Xu Mo: Save? It appears that, in your understanding, when vampires are hunting for food they are saving people.

MC: I'm just being factual. Also, the word "hunting"...

The corner of Xu Mo's lips pulled up.

Xu Mo: There's no rush. In the future, you will experience for yourself whether or not the word I used is accurate.

I was stunned and suddenly remembered the thirst towards fresh blood in that hut earlier which had dominated me.

Xu Mo seemed to have no intention of bothering himself with me again and turned around, preparing to leave.

MC: Um... please wait a moment.

He silently looked back, his expression indifferent and cold under the moonlight.

I summoned up my courage and looked straight at Xu Mo.

MC: Can... can you give me your blood?

MC: I heard that this was the only way to become a true vampire; they won't have to drink blood and they won't lose their reasoning, so...

Xu Mo: So I have to answer your request?

Xu Mo interrupted me, as if he heard something laughable.

Xu Mo: Vampires are not gods who never refuse a request. Or is it that all humans are such selfish creatures?

MC: N-not at all! In exchange, I can...

The wind blew through, rustling the leaves of the trees. Xu Mo calmly listened to my words and was silent for a long while before he lightly sighed, but it also seemed like a laugh.

Xu Mo: Alright, I agree.

Under the moonlight, the hand that was held out to me was pale and slender. I took a step forward and also stretched out my hand—

PRESENT

Xu Mo blinked, slowly without hurry, and swept his eyes over in my direction.

He saw me and didn't appear to be surprised at all; instead, it was like he knew I was there all along, witnessing everything.

His smile wasn't anything different from usual and even the way he set down his glass and held out his hand to me was like that day, two years ago.

Xu Mo: [MC], you came.

The color of crimson blurred my vision and the smell of blood was like a wave threatening to engulf me.

I felt like breathing was difficult and my legs were unsteady; I could only lean against the wall.

Xu Mo saw that I didn't move and walked directly over to me. It was as if everything around him had no effect on him and those two crimson eyes reflected only my figure.

He came to me like this, step by step, and the strange thing was... that I actually didn't feel any fear.

He raised a hand to support me and this let me see his eyes clearly. There seemed to be a faint worry in them.

FUTURE

Xu Mo: Do you remember everything?

A gentle voice landed beside my ear and, as I recalled the scenes of that night, I looked at Xu Mo and mumbled.

MC: I promised you that, no matter how long, I would always...

He blinked and those crimson eyes crumbled into purple, a faint smile appearing in them.

Xu Mo: Mm, you said you would be at my side forever.

The reason I transcribed these three scenes is because they're so good at showing his assumed indifference, to how fast he caved into the temptation of not being alone, to how he continues to hold this hope despite MC having "broken their promise", to the future where they get to walk in an endless night together forever.

IT'S SO GOOD. I'm a sucker for immortality concepts and PG nailed this vampire version so well; his ancientness in the past, the longing for companionship, and then the sharing of a life.

Anyway, I was actually going to post this essay after I read his newest Halloween card because, after seeing he was an exiled prince with Snow White themes, my guess was that it was going to have a heavy and explicit theme about loneliness again.

But I got impatient seeing as how I have to wait until the end of the event to redeem him. So, I guess I'm throwing it out there that this is my prediction??? For those who have read that date, you can tell me if I'm hot or cold LOL. I'm going to look like a fool yelling about loneliness themes if that isn't the case this time though.

MIMICRY

Semi-switching gears and bringing back my [Into Your World] post, I just want to add that in addition to being so intensely curious about the MC's world and trying to understand her, I've noticed that MC and Xu Mo share something pretty unique to them that's less obvious with the others.

This is the mimicry that they do to each other.

There's been psychological studies that looked into the social aspects of mimicry (Baaren et al 2009) and mimicry and attraction in romantic relationships (Nicolas Gueguen 2009). In short, mimicking someone appears to promote social harmony, comfort, and trust in the other person; it can also make you more attractive to them LOL.

I really don't think Xu Mo is doing this intentionally and that, instead, this supports his (alienated) scholar archetype, his hobby of people watching, and trying to understand the MC's world. The same goes for MC, she wants to understand his world and a part of that is experiencing things in his way.

The reason I believe this is less obvious (if at all apparent) with the others is because, when I compare Xu Mo's dates to Bai Qi dates, all of Bai Qi’s dates are more like experiencing activities together, which Xu Mo has as well, ex. [Winery Date], [Sunrise Date], [Hot Spring Date], etc.

But Xu Mo has dates where they specifically mimic each other, such as:

[Blossom Date] He covers her eyes, she then covers his eyes.

[Archery Date] Technically, he teaches her but after he gets bull's-eye, she copies the form he taught her and also gets bull's-eye.

[New Year's Eve] He gets taught and mimics the way she makes dumplings.

[Qixi 2018 Mini Story] He and the kids ended up copying the MC's flying fish.

[Rainy Night Date] The flashback about how she folded origami cranes and then taught him and they make strings of them.

They also—and this I swear is unique solely to Xu Mo—mimic each other's words or sentence structures and phrases:

[Blossom Date] Tao Yao poem and how they quoted it back at each other, essentially finishing each other's stanza.

[Endless Path Date] The beginning of the dates shows an inside joke between them where MC tries to ask Xu Mo difficult questions to stump him, because he can see through her. But he guesses the herbs she bought by the smell on her fingers. Later on, she guesses that he's going to a party based on his use of the cologne she made him and which he only uses for parties. She explicitly brings up the beginning and how she can deduce things about him too via scent.

[CH13.15] Xu Mo quotes 1 Corinthians 13:12 at MC and [CH16.12] MC quotes 1 Corinthians 13:2 at him.

[CH16.12] During the conference, MC literally quotes the words he said to her [CH13.17] back at him to go against him.

[Dumbstruck Date] Heck, this whole date was MC repeating words that the original Xu Mo said to her and making Winter!Xu Mo jealous as heck LOL.

Throughout the story, where MC draws her strength from how the other men are as people (Li Zeyan's stability and permanence, Bai Qi’s core of justice, etc.), she seems to draw extensively on the words Xu Mo has said to her, or references to the same body of literature.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, but IMO this is why he reacts the worst out of all the men to MC’s disappearance in Chapter 25+.

[captainscanadian]

Reputation | Bucky Barnes x Reader (Part 1)

My Masterlist

Summary: Freshman year was all about the failed friendships. Sophomore year was all about the lack of a social life. Junior year was supposed to be about focusing on school, until Bucky Barnes came along.

Word Count: 3245

Pairing: College!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: SMUT (18+), FUCKBOI BUCKY, MINORS FUCK OFF!

A/N: Reputation, as a title, was heavily inspired by Taylor Swift’s iconic album of the same name. This is my entry for @buckysmischief​‘s 1K Writing Challenge. I know I’m a few days late but I started a fic with smut in the first chapter so... it took some time to perfect it. I’d like to thank my boo @baezen​ for being a good beta and for the constant love. Lastly, the reason why this whole fic (and my blog itself) exists in the first place was because I was reading @i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend​‘s College AUs and wanted to write one of my own. It’s been 11 months since then and I finally did it. This fic is an unofficial AU of my own fic, Better, but you don’t have to have read it to read this fic. Same characters, but they meet in a completely different time of their lives, under completely different circumstances. Better!Bucky is back, but he’s at NYU now. I DON’T OWN THE GIF & I DON’T DO TAGLISTS.

Whoever made the claim that college was the place where one would meet their lifelong friends was most definitely the biggest moron on this planet. You firmly believed that when you first arrived at NYU two years ago. Leaving your small town just outside of Philadelphia for the Big Apple, you had so many hopes and dreams when you got here. Education was your priority, but you had been so eager to meet new people and try new things just as much. After all, it’s all anyone who knew had told you. College is the place where you would meet your lifelong friends. 

Bullshit. It was all bullshit. 

Freshman year was all about newfound friendships. New kids huddled together in an unfamiliar environment, leaning on each other because being on your own for the first time in your lives was not easy. It was inevitable. It was human nature. A new environment meant the search for a sense of belonging. You had found that for yourself too.

A large group of friends, all ten of you being freshmen, you would claim one of the large round tables in the dining hall after your late afternoon biology lab. You ate, you talked, and you walked back to your dorms together. It became a ritual. But expecting that this kind of ritual would last until the end of your undergrad was a naive judgement to make.

By the end of that year, half of your friends had managed to switch to a different program and found another group of people to hang out with. The ones that remained in your group had managed to join their preferred extra-curricular activities and made more friends who shared the same interests. While you did manage to find the time to volunteer with the UNICEF chapter on campus, you hadn’t managed to make any close friends from that.

Sophomore year was to be the loneliest of years. The one friend you thought you would have for life had managed to ditch you for her sorority sisters – not that you had a problem with that. Your friendship had been hanging on a loose thread for a while before it came to a rather abrupt end. People grew up within the first two years of college, and people who grew up also grew apart from each other. It was inevitable. Margaret Sykes was also a complete fucking moron as she was, but that’s a story for another time.

Now in your junior year, you were starting to get back into the swing of things. After landing an on-campus job as an office assistant, you were hoping to keep yourself busy with your full-time course load. No time for fake friends, or real ones at that. You were finally moving on with your life, leaving behind those who had left you behind for good. After all, college was also supposed to be the best time of your life even without those lifelong friends. You might as well make the most out of the experience and build yourself a career.

It was the weekend before classes were to begin, and you found yourself sitting alone in the dining hall with a slice of pizza that was now getting cold. Having picked up your textbooks from the campus bookstore earlier that day, you decided to grab a bite before you would retreat to your dorm room for the remainder of the night. Perhaps you could get a head start on your readings.

Your lack of a social life seemed to be a blessing when it came to how you had planned ahead for the semester. When you weren’t working or volunteering, you would be studying and sleeping. One thing you had learned the hard way from your years of pulling all nighters – they did not work for you as they did to most people.  Micro-planning might just be the way to survive the next two years.

From the corner of your eyes, you could see a large group of friends sitting at the same table you used to sit at during your freshman year. You could not help but roll your eyes, an exasperated sigh escaped your lips. Naive freshmen, you assumed they were. They’d learn the harsh truth in the next few months.

You took a bite of your pizza slice as you looked out the window that you had been sitting by. The breathtaking view of Washington Square Park reminded you of your first day in New York when you had stepped out of your dorm room to take a stroll. The summery weather of New York City had brought students, tourists and locals alike to the heart of campus. You loved this city and campus for how lively it was – a true multicultural land of opportunity.

New York had become home to you in the last two years, despite the dull memories of lost friendships. Moving to New York had been the right thing to do for your education. NYU really was the place for students to be. You had no concerns about the academics here as you did the social aspects of your life. But you wondered if you really wanted to stay in the city after graduation. You had no reason to stay, no one to hold you down in the Big Apple. Moving back to your parents’ house in Philadelphia was an option for you. Your father had been hoping that you would return home after graduation and take over the family business from him, but you wanted to do more than just blindly follow in your parents’ footsteps.  

Speaking of footsteps, the sound of someone approaching your corner table made you turn back from the window. Your eyes landed on a familiar pair of blue ones, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips as you recognized the dark haired man who was walking up to you. He donned black skinny jeans and a red Henley, his long brown hair parted down the middle. It was a few inches longer than the last time you had seen him. A part of you had often wondered how hard it must have been to maintain those luscious locks of his. The shine and volume alone put the ladies to shame.

 “James.”

James Barnes, or Bucky as he was referred as by his closest friends, had been your neurobiology tutor during your freshman year. After failing your first quiz on the effects of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin on the brain, you had approached your professor in desperate need of help. You needed to pass that class in order to complete your degree and failing your first quiz was not a great start to your freshman year. But you had been so determined back then to succeed academically. You still were.

Professor Van Dyne had been gracious enough to assign one of her best upper year students to help you get your grades back up. According to her, James was the teacher’s pet in the biology department and the best person to study with. His photographic memory had allowed him to maintain a consistent 4.0 GPA since his freshman year. As impressive as that sounded, his reputation precedes him. He was known around campus, or at least within the biology students, as the Casanova of New York University.

Rumours across the Greek life circuit on campus – Bucky was the resident fuckboy. It was an untold truth around NYU that he had slept with at least one person in every sorority. According to Margaret, one of the sororities even included having a one-night stand with Bucky as part of their initiation. He was apparently the best night anyone could ever have, and even if he never called any one of his flings back, he would still be found lurking around the next party and leaving with someone else later that night. It was apparently a rite of passage - a rite of passage that you had managed to avoid for as long as you had.

“Hey, doll.” He pulled the chair across from you before sitting down at the table. “Long time, no see...”

You raised your eyebrow at him as you set your pizza slice back down on your plate. Picking up a napkin to wipe your mouth and hands, you shrugged your shoulders at him. “What do you want, James?” You asked him, holding up your hand before he could answer the question. You had known him along enough to know what he was going to say. “I know, it’s been two years since I took my first year neurobiology class. And no, you don’t have to show me how oxytocin affects the human brain.”

“You’re really going to break my heart like that, Y/N?” He asked, feigning hurt with a dramatic sigh as he bought his hand up to his chest.

You rolled your eyes at him, laughing softly before shaking your head. He’ll never learn. “Why are you even here right now? I thought you graduated last year.”  

“Hey, just because I’ve graduated... summa cum laude, by the way, it doesn’t mean that I’m not welcome here.” Bucky remarked with a smirk plastered across his lips. “I have my own reasons for being here. You don’t own this campus, you know?”

You crossed your arms against your chest, still not breaking eye contact with him. There was no way you would fall for his charm. You had not done so in freshman year or sophomore year and you were not planning on doing it now. “Enlighten me.”

“Did Steve not mention that I got into NYU Med?” He asked you, his smirk not leaving his face.

Steve Rogers was Bucky’s best friend since childhood and the former president of the UNICEF chapter on campus. You had volunteered together for a few charity fundraisers over the years, but you were not as close to him as Bucky was. “Why would he have a reason to mention it?” You asked him as you leaned forward in your seat. “I would have placed my bets on you going to Columbia with him, if I’m being honest. You two seemed to be so inseparable. I can’t believe you just ditched him like that and let him take off.” 

It was true. Bucky and Steve were inseparable. After all, they had grown up together since they were young kids. They were always together on campus, having taken a majority of their classes together. It was so rare to see one of them without the other. 

“And did you really think that would impress me so much that I would actually end up sleeping with you?”

“Why?” He asked, almost in a whisper as he leaned forward in his seat. “Is it working?”

As the sun was finally setting over the New York City skyline, you found yourself perched up naked against a penthouse window in Brooklyn. The view from up here was much more breathtaking than the view of Washington Square Park from the dining hall window. But that was not the reason why you were so out of breath now. You were panting for air as you stared at the reflection of the man who stood behind you. After a heated make out session from Greenwich Village to Brooklyn, you wound up undressed in his bedroom that had a view like no other. 

“I can’t believe that actually worked on me... you obnoxious asshole.” Your heart was pounding out of your bare chest as you felt the moisture trickle down your inner thighs, and you tilted your head back.

Bucky had a smug look on his face, one that was filled with just as much lust as it was filled with pure satisfaction. You had finally fallen for his charm, after two years of fighting it. He had seen the way you glanced at him every time he volunteered with you and Steve. He knew that you must have felt attracted towards him, even though you denied it every time he had brought it up.

 He licked his lips as he gently pulled you towards him, turning you around so that he could kiss you on the lips rather roughly. “Playing hard to get doesn't suit you, doll.” His hands grasped your bare ass before his fingers slipped between your folds slick with your arousal. “You want me so badly, don’t you, Y/N? Don’t lie to me now. Your soaking pussy speaks the truth.”

You bit down on your bottom lip as you trembled to find the right words to say, your cheeks growing hot as did the rest of your body. A soft moan slipped out of you as you felt his cold fingers slide right into your entrance, sending shivers up your spine as you forgot how to stand still. You felt defeated by your own desires, having given in to his advances after fighting it for so long. You really thought you could get through your entire undergrad without being yet another one-night stand on James Barnes’ tally. But tonight, your strike was added to the drawing board with the rest of them. 

“Are you going to keep talking or are you going to fuck me like you fucked every fucking sorority sister on campus?” You gasped. “They all say that you’re the best night they’ve ever had, Barnes. I won’t believe it until I have proof.” You asked him as you began to unbutton his Henley.

“Getting desperate, are we? You made me wait a few years for this, doll. I’d have to make you wait a little longer now than a few minutes.” He was such a tease. “I didn’t fuck Margaret Sykes though.” He pointed out, a teasing look on his face as he pulled his fingers out of you and motioned you towards his bed. “You two were close in freshman year, weren’t you? And then last year, you purged your Instagram of any photos of her. I noticed.”

You rolled your eyes at his mention of your former best friend, lying back in his bed as you still tugged on his Henley. He was fully clothed while you were naked and exposed – the power that he had over you now, it was astonishing. But you could not deny how desperate you were for him. After all, your own body had lost that fight against your attraction towards this man. 

“Don’t bring up that bitch when I’m lying naked on your bed, James.” You told him, shaking your head at him. “If I could purge my own brain of any memories of her, I would.”

He chuckled as he sat down at the edge of his bed, his large hands firmly holding your thighs apart. “You act as though Margaret was the Antonio to your Bassanio, Y/N. It’s not like she would have cut out a pound of her flesh for you if you were ever in debt.” His bright eyes glanced down at your soaking core, his tongue peaking through his parted lips at the sight of just how aroused you were. He liked that he had such an effect on your body, knowing that you were attracted to him as he was attracted to you despite having known each other for years now. He pulled at your folds to get a glimpse of your throbbing clit, brushing his thumb over it in a quick teasing manner as he watched for your reaction.  

“I wouldn’t have taken you for a guy who reads Shakespeare.” You told him, giggling softly as you placed your arms above your head. It was a sign of you giving him full control of this ordeal; let him do what he was known to do best. After all, he did have a reputation. “But I think it’s so fucking hot that you do.” 

Another moan as you felt his thumb over your clit; you bit down on your lips not to make any noise. Bucky had warned you that Steve’s bedroom was just down the hall from his and the last thing you wanted was to have an awkward run-in with the blonde haired man who had taught you all about volunteering for charitable organizations for the duration of your undergrad.

“I can recite Hamlet’s soliloquy in its entirety while I fuck you, if you would like me to.” He joked, his fingers now drenched with your wetness as he slipped them through your entrance once again. His thumb rubbing circles on your clit as his eyes watched eagerly for your reaction.

“To fuck or not to fuck... that is the question.” You laughed at your own joke before looking up at him, rather seductively, your left hand pinching your swollen nipples as you began to feel the pain between your thighs relieve with his touch. Moaning once again as he slipped another finger inside of you. “Oh fuck, James... you really want to waste your time reciting Shakespeare with me when you could be putting that mouth to better use? What even happened... to your so called reputation of... being the best night everyone’s ever had?”

Bucky chuckled softly as he continued to finger you for another moment, pulling them out only to remove his Henley. “Desperate.” He pointed out with a wink, unbuttoning his jeans and taking them off as well. “Is that what they’ve all been saying about me now?”

“Are you telling me.... that you’re unaware of your own reputation, James?” You asked him as you sat up against his headboard, feeling the moisture between your legs now seeping through the clear white sheets on his bed as you gasped for air. “Your reputation... precedes you.”

He walked to his nightstand to retrieve a condom, hand slipping below the waistband of his boxers to slowly stroke his cock. A tantalising smirk played on his lips. “Well then, why... don’t we... put an end to it?” He asked you, pulling down his boxers to reveal his half-hard cock.

Your eyes perked up at his length. “Damn...” You gasped. “They really weren’t lying.”

James Barnes raised his eyebrow at you before tossing the condom at you. “Do the honors, doll?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” You giggled, rolling over in bed so that you could reach him. Your hand wrapped around his manhood before stroking him until he was fully erect.

Bucky hissed at the feel of your touch against his length, shaking his head at you. “Desperate.”

Removing the condom from the package, you put it on him before you looked up to meet his lusty eyes. “Are you saying that you’re not desperate for me at all, Barnes?” You asked him before you pulled yourself on all fours, moving your hair out of the way.

“Two years was a long time, doll.” He admitted, his hands caressing your ass before he let himself slip though your entrance. He took his time to position himself, not wanting to hurt you in any way. “Let me know if you feel like I’m going too fast or you need me to stop, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”

You nodded, eagerly. “Just fuck me already, James!”

“Desperate.”

Whoever made the claim that college was the place where one would meet their lifelong friends was most definitely the biggest moron on this planet. College was the place where one would have the best sex they ever had, and Bucky Barnes really did live up to his reputation that night.

[amydang]

About Me!

My name is Kim Truc Oanh Dang, everyone often calls me Amy. Currently I'm in the last semester of Culinary Management. My passion is cooking, besides, I also have hobby of photography. I like photography because I want to capture every moment that has been and is happening in my own life. Perhaps photography is an interesting thing that helps me to have more perspectives on this life. The things that make me happy, I will take pictures of those moments, even when I feel the loneliest and saddest times I will take pictures of the things around me to correct my emotions.

(Four seasons in Canada, by me)

Photo Manipulation Assignment

I am a Vietnamese international student currently studying and living in Toronto, Canada. This is already my 3rd year living away from my family, so maybe people who live far away from home like me will understand what feeling homesick is. Fortunately I still keep many pictures of my family and landscapes in Vietnam that I took before I went to study abroad. When I miss home, I often reopen those photos to review and reminisce about my family and scenes in Vietnam. So perhaps the subject of the images I use in this article will have many implications between my past and present life.

In the first photo, I shot it in Lakeshore, it was a scene in the afternoon. Looking away you can see the CN Tower. With a closer view you will see a picture of a swan swimming. Overall, this photo shows quite a quiet scene. Move to the second photo I took, which is a bright, sunny afternoon in a harbor in my hometown in Vietnam. You can see in the distance of this photo high mountains and at a closer distance are many boats with colorful sails, this gives the viewer a sense of the vividness of the scenery in the image. Finally, in the third photo, this is also the photo that I edited. I used the Picsart app to link things from two original images together and form this third image. I first raised the water tone and the sails in image 2 were brighter, then I used the Lasso tool to cut out the part of the boat and the water surface and pasted it onto the first image. I cut out quite a bit of detail in the second photo which includes the image of the swan. I did not keep it as it did not match the composition of the photo. In the end, I slightly adjusted the lighting for the entire image to create a more harmonious color scheme of the water and sky. I created an image of my homeland along with the CN Tower of Toronto. I think that after viewing my post-edited photos, other people might get confused if they don't see the original photos. Because I took advantage of the water in both pictures and I replaced them only, and the colors I edited to create the uniformity possible.

In this first photo, I took my family members 3 years ago during the Lunar New Year in Vietnam. The second photo shows me also taken during the Lunar New Year but the location is in Canada. That was the time I welcomed New Year's Eve at a Vietnamese temple in Toronto city. In my hand at that time was holding lucky money that I received from the monks at this temple. With Vietnamese culture, family members even if they live far from home, the Lunar New Year comes, all family members will still have 3 to 7 days off to spend time with their family and celebrate New Year's Eve together. During this holiday, the children will often be celebrated by their parents to their new age by being given lucky money by their parents. However, for those who study abroad as far as me, it is difficult for us to return home on the occasion of the Lunar New Year. That time was also one of the moments that made Vietnamese international students like me feel sad and homesick the most. That's why I chose these 2 photos to edit to create a final photo that contains all my family members. The simple reason is that I miss my home and my loved ones a lot. I also used Picsart software to cut out my part from the second photo and paste in the first photo. In this editing session, I did not use too many editing tools, because I just wanted to have a true image with all my family members. I think after looking at the photo that I edited, many people will misunderstand it as a real photo, however if they pay attention to the part of my legs in the photo, they can see the abnormality because it looks unreal and doesn't fit into the photo.

I think that all of my edited and unmodified images cannot be used as a press photo. I think all of the above photos are more about art than giving a message of news or events to convey to viewers. These are all pictures taken in my own style of photography.

In art photography, the recorded event is not timed. Art photography accepts all staging, accepts to use techniques and technology as long as it says the intent of the author. This means that the picture may be just because the author used the props to match the event that happened and they took it again, not the photographer present at the event. That is why art photography contain less information and do not need to ensure the authenticity of press photos. In contrast, with press photography, the targets are life events, problems, the newer the problem, the more valuable it affects to many people. A press photo is a new photo, vivid, informative, without any software intervention or addition, that is the principle of photojournalism.

Preferences

Photography Schools (2016). A Brief History of Photojournalism. Retrieved from https://www.photography-schools.com/photojournalismhistory.htmPress Photography vs. Art Photography. (2011). Retrieved February 23, 2021, from https://cindyly.wordpress.com/2011/11/09/press-photography-vs-art-photography/#:%7E:text=Art%20photographs%20are%20expressions%20of,%2Dartistic%20and%20more%20genuine.)

[thegirlinyellowpants]

David Nicholl's One Day (birthday edition)

Well, I turned 28 today.

It has been a full year since I moved back to my hometown and started living with my parents.

Two years since I told my former colleagues at PTV that I will be resigning and transferring to another network.

Three years since the first time I spent my birthday with the three most important people in my life.

Four years since I spent probably the loneliest birthday ever. My day started at work as a graveyard reporter. July 5 meant differently to the people I met that day. It was the day some people lost their homes to a fire; the day they lost a loved one to a crime. I don't remember celebrating that day, although I did meet a friend who didn't remember it was my birthday. The day ended how it started.

Five years since I spoke before a class about student activism. Other than than, I can't really remember how I spent the rest of the day. A lot happened in 2016 that I'd rather forget. Irresponsible decisions, bad habits, fleeting friendships.

Six years since I spent the day looking for a job. I was 22, a fresh grad, and had burdened myself with insecurity and fear of the uncertain. It was days after graduation yet I have no offers, unlike my batchmates who were able to secure a job even before graduation. If I can talk to the 22-year old me, I will tell her "Take it easy. Some days will be bad or even worse. But it will get better."

Seven years since I was flooded with birthday greetings from friends and acquaintances. A former classmate who was a junior jock even played and dedicated songs for me on the radio. The whole day was euphoric. But it did not last long. Mismanaged priorities, life-changing heartaches, and missed opportunities marred the last semester of my fourth year. And as impactful and flattering the greetings were, the people who sent them were... well, temporary.

Eight years since I had a simple yet meaningful birthday. I received tokens of appreciation from least expected people. It was a modest celebration but I was on high spirits. I just turned 20 and I challenged myself to take on things that were bigger than who I was. I had high hopes for myself.

Nine years since I spent the day like any college student would. Study.

and 10 years since I entered 'adulthood.' I was no longer a minor and was reminded frequently to be more careful with my actions because I can be jailed 😂 My family threw a debut to celebrate the milestone, even if we were cash-strapped. I regret giving my 18th rose to a boy I was totally in love with but had no feelings for me in return. I wish I had saved that for my dad. That would have been more meaningful. I had a lot of fun, though. A lot of classmates and friends attended, but only a few really stayed in the last 10 years.

After taking this trip down memory lane, I realized that:

a. the best birthdays are the ones we spend with the people who matter

b. we give so much weight on birthdays (or at least I do) but really, it's just another day passing

c. I would really love to have a birthday spent alone, reflecting, and perhaps celebrating what this day truly means.

[sarahlwlee]

31 Stories in 31 Days: Loneliness

What is this? As part of celebrating Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage Month (May), I am writing a story a day about my experiences as a Chinese Malaysian immigrant in America. My friends and family have provided numerous one-word prompts to help me create these stories. Today’s word prompt was contributed by Sue Ellen C. and the word is “Loneliness”. Thank you Sue Ellen for your contribution and thank you everyone who stopped by to read my story today.

I am by nature an introvert who has learned over a period of time how to extrovert. I enjoy spending time alone working on solitary projects or activities. The idea of intentionally building and maintaining friendships has always been a difficult concept for me to grasp. When I was growing up, I was willing to make one or two close friends that are deep and meaningful. Even in a large group, I would only spend my time with one or two people who gel well with me.

While studying at Western Michigan University for my graduate studies, most of my college mates who transferred over with me had graduated and returned home to Malaysia or traveled away from Kalamazoo for work. I lost touch with many of them, even the close ones. Tieng and Chauncey were always there as my go to friends whenever I needed to talk or to do activities together. After I graduated with my master’s degree, started working and got married, Chauncey’s work place went through significant restructuring and he was moved to the third shift from 11pm to 7am. We both thought this was temporary and he said he would hang in there until a better opportunity came up at work to switch back to day shift. For six months after we got married, I got into the groove of Chauncey’s night shift schedule and spent many of my waking hours at the Chamber working or hanging out with Tieng.

Tieng eventually graduated from her master’s degree and decided to return home to Malaysia. It was really hard to see my best friend leave. I knew she was always available by text, phone or some video conferencing platform, but I knew the time difference would start to weigh heavily on when we could reach out to one another. Chauncey’s work place continued to keep him on the third shift and the prospect of leaving third shift seemed unlikely. Months turned into two years and my waking hours became long working hours at the Chamber from 8am to 8pm. My weekends were quiet, Tieng was gone and I didn’t have anyone to call on to hang out. I wasn’t as close to my mother-in-law at the time nor was I talking to my mother nor my family members as often.

One night when I was trying to fall asleep, I laid under the covers, looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, “I am so alone.” I started to sob and cry uncontrollably. There wasn’t anyone I could call at that hour and I didn’t want to worry Chauncey about what I was going through. This was one of the most loneliest times I felt in a long time. The activities I was doing solitary wasn’t helping me cope with the lack of companionship and what made it worst was having very little roots in Kalamazoo. I didn’t feel connected to this community and I didn’t want to be here. Also, I didn’t know where or how to make new friends. Making friends as an adult seemed so much harder than making friends a kid.

Whenever I get emotionally distraught, something inside me clicks and insists on fixing how I felt by any means possible. So I started pursuing more social activities and attending every Chamber event that was hosted. I joined a small tweetup meeting that led me to start a monthly tweetup group called TweetUp Kalamazoo. Downtown Kalamazoo had a lot of events and many of my co-workers started inviting me to join them. I kept saying yes to every social and networking opportunity because I didn’t want to feel lonely again and wanted to find meaningful friendships that would convince me to stay in Kalamazoo.

I did this for three years and my days changed drastically. I was busy and met a lot of new people, many of which I still call friends today. During this same time frame, Chauncey and I attended marriage counseling to help us understand how to make our relationship work with the circumstances presented to us as well as how to effectively communicate with one another.

After several months of marriage counseling, it really helped us talk through what we wanted from the relationship and discuss what we needed to do to make it work for both of us. Some of the new practices in making our relationship work was taking turns to plan the weekend so that we could each look forward to something fun over the weekend. The big discussion we had was Chauncey finding another job on day shift and it didn’t matter if he took a pay cut. At this time, I was working at Greenleaf Hospitality Group and was earning more money than Chauncey. So I took over majority of the bills in the household and supported Chauncey’s job search.

One of Chauncey’s best friends from his high school, Charles, told him about a job opportunity as a Quality Inspector at his company. It was a different field for Chauncey and the pay was extremely low, but the shift hours were day shift which is all I asked for. Chauncey started working at this new job and part-time at his old job during the weekend on day shifts. He felt bad about not pulling his weight in pay and I said don’t worry about it. We will figure out a way and he was always the main person who took care of our household (i.e. cleaning, cutting the grass, taking the trash out, washing the dishes, etc) . Eventually he quit his old job and only worked Monday through Friday on day shifts. This pivot was really important in our relationship. It helped us find meaningful ways to reconnect and we were able to take vacations together as well travel the world.

Chauncey continued to be promoted at work and found new opportunities within the company that increased his pay as well as job skills. I started to pay for many of the repairs and upgrades on the two houses we owned to make them rental ready. This was Chauncey’s dream to own rental properties and I wanted to make it a reality for him, especially after all the challenges he was undertaking just so we could make our relationship work. This year in August, we will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary.

Recently, I remember telling Chauncey that I felt like we were more of a married couple now than we were eight years ago. We were doings things as a couple and finishing each other’s sentences (or sandwiches as he would call it). It felt like a true partnership in love and life. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in life and I am so thankful for him fighting for us. If he didn’t suggest marriage counseling or persuaded me not to leave the house, our lives would have been so different today. Now, we are working hard at communicating with one another and making sure we are honoring what we promise each other to be better for one another. I am a better person today because of Chauncey.

[chasingthecosmos]

By Any Other Name

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: G Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Eleventh Doctor/Rose Tyler (The Doctor/Clara Oswald, Eleventh Doctor/Clara Oswald) Chapters: 9/26 Read on AO3 here.

“Rose Tyler was dying - or, at least, she was relatively certain that that’s what was happening …” A Season 7 AU where Rose returns to her home universe only to find that 100 years have passed and nothing is quite the way that she remembers it. She wakes up with a new body, a new life, and a new Doctor. What has the Bad Wolf gotten her into this time? Rating may go up as the story continues

"Is there an infirmary in this thing?" Rose asked, pretending not to already know as they finally returned to the safety of the TARDIS. She silently asked the sentient ship to bring said room to the fore as she guided the Doctor carefully down the steps into the console room.

"What? Yes, of course there is," the Doctor muttered distractedly as he clumsily tripped down the stairs at her side. "Of course there's an infirmary. There's also six squash courses, a delightful little room full of antique teapots, and an exact replica of the Louvre in 1892. Why do you ask?"

"Because you've just offered your mind up on a silver platter to a hungry, soul-eating star," Rose reminded him with a long-suffering roll of her eyes. "I think it's safe to say that you might need a quick check-up."

"Nah, don't be ridiculous," the Doctor sighed, finally leaning away from her and tottering unevenly to collapse with a grunt on one of flights of stairs surrounding the console room. "I'm fine, totally fine."

Rose knew better than to believe him, but she also knew better than to try and argue with him when he was insistent on maintaining his ridiculous Time Lord dignity.

"Fine," she agreed, heaving her own sigh as she bent to sit on the step beside him. "I'll just have to stay here, then, and make sure that you don't pass out or suddenly stop breathing or something."

"And how long are you going to do that for?" the Doctor asked, eyeing her wearily.

"As long as it takes," Rose replied with an easy shrug.

The Doctor rubbed his hand over his forehead and combed his hair back out of his eyes before he asked, "So does that mean that you're staying, then?"

Rose felt her heart leap into her throat as she hesitantly tried to gauge the Doctor's exhausted expression. He wasn't looking at her, but she knew that he was patiently hanging on her every reaction.

"If you'll have me," she finally replied, studying the haggard profile that he cut against the sleek backdrop of his new TARDIS desktop.

"What about your family?" he asked without pause, continuing to train his gaze away from her.

"What?"

"Your family," the Doctor repeated firmly. "You weren't living in that house alone - there were three other rooms filled with personal things. Won't they wonder where you've disappeared to?"

"Those people aren't my family," Rose stated simply.

"Who were they, then?"

And how could she possibly answer that? She hadn't even counted the rooms as he had - she had only seen the one teenage girl for a moment before she had disappeared to her friend's house.

"Don't worry about them," she finally replied, leaning her head against his shoulder in silent plea. Please don't leave, she begged. And please don't ask any more questions. "They'll get on without me," she continued out loud, keeping her tone as casual as possible. "They all knew that I wasn't going to be staying for long. I won't be missed."

The Doctor and Rose sat in tense silence for a moment and she could practically feel the anxiety coiled tight within him. She knew that if he were feeling up to it, he would have been pacing around the console room and fiddling with something or other in an attempt to keep his hands busy and put some distance between them.

"Are you ... sure?" he finally asked, his voice smaller and more hesitant than she had heard it yet.

Rose swiveled her head on his shoulder to get a better look at the expression on his face, but he turned away from her and continued flippantly, "I mean, it's just that I haven't traveled with anyone in a while. I would need to make sure that the TARDIS has some guest rooms available."

"You just told me you have an entire nineteenth century Fresh museum in here, Doctor," Rose reminded him teasingly. "I think I'll find somewhere to kip out."

The Doctor huffed a small laugh that Rose felt vibrate through her skin and warm her insides. "Ah, well. I suppose you're right," he finally agreed.

"Just ... how long have you been traveling alone, then?" Rose asked as casually as she could.

"Doesn't matter," he replied dismissively.

"That long, eh?" she surmised.

"Suppose so."

"Tell me about them," Rose suggested lightly.

"Who?"

"The people who travel with you," she elaborated.

The Doctor fell silent then, and Rose knew immediately that she had picked the wrong moment to ask. She wondered if the memories that the sun had consumed were gone forever, or if the Doctor had somehow managed to hold on to them. Did he even remember those who he had been forced to leave behind?

Rose wrapped her hands around the Doctor's arm and squeezed it reassuringly. "Another time, then," she murmured quietly. "If this box really can travel the way you say it can, then we've got a lot of it."

"Indeed," he sighed, finally allowing himself to lean into her in return and resting his head lightly against her own.

Rose wasn't sure how long they stayed there like that, but she knew that it wasn't nearly long enough. No time spent with the Doctor was ever enough. When it came to the two of them, sometimes it felt like even eternity was too short a time.

--------------------

After that, the two of them fell quickly and easily back into their routine of traveling the stars and saving people. Rose wondered if it came this easily to anyone else, or if it was simply the fact that she and the Doctor worked so well together.

The Ice Warrior on the Soviet submarine had certainly been a surprise, though. There had been Ice Warriors in Rose's parallel world, but they had gone extinct centuries ago, so she had never run into one like this before. The ancient Martian artifacts still cropped up in the Torchwood archives every now and then, though - and whenever they did, her husband would always tell her stories of the Warriors that he had fought and conquered in the past.

And hunting for ghosts in 1974 was terrifying, but exhilarating all the same. Rose had taken a liking to Professor Palmer and Emma Grayling almost immediately. They were kind, brave people who were easily intrigued by mystery, and they reminded her of all that was good and right about humanity.

"So, what's ... an empathic psychic?" Rose asked curiously as she sat down with Emma while the Doctor busily rifled through Professor Palmer's findings.

"Sometimes I ... sense feelings, the way a telepath can sense thoughts," Emma replied slowly. "Sometimes, though - not always."

"The most compassionate people you'll ever meet, empathics," the Doctor interrupted, coming to stand near the two women so that he could show off his knowledge on the subject. "And the loneliest. I mean, exposing themselves to all those hidden feelings - all that guilt, pain, and sorrow, and ..."

"Well, you certainly seem to know a lot about it," Rose interrupted. She cut him off for Emma's sake, but she wasn't about to miss the opportunity to tease him a bit. Besides, she figured that being married to a touch telepath for almost seventy years gave her a bit of knowledge on the subject.

"Yes, Doctor," Emma agreed quietly. "I believe that ... perhaps you can see as I do."

"Well, no ... not exactly," he replied, nervously straightening his bowtie. "All Time Lords are touch telepaths, but it ... works a bit different from the way you do it."

"But you still have the gift," Emma insisted as she leveled her gaze on him. "And yet you see far less than you think you do. I think you have bottled that part of yourself away - somewhere deep inside where no one will be able to find it, not even you. You're ... saving it for something. Or ... maybe someone."

Rose was about to step in and change the subject when Professor Palmer took the liberties for her. He led the Doctor to his drawing board where he had all of his notes and pictures on the Caliburn ghost laid out and the Doctor eagerly took the opportunity to leave the subject.

"So, what do you say?" he asked Rose a short time later, after they had been completely debriefed on the history of the house and the lore of the ghost. "Ready to go ghost hunting?" He kept his voice low and his head ducked close to hers as he spoke, making Rose feel as though it were just the two of them in this giant, haunted house.

"I'm not afraid, if that's what you're asking," Rose replied sardonically.

"No?" the Doctor asked, eyeing the dark shadows in the hallway outside with a look of trepidation. "Not even a little bit?"

"I've seen ghosts before, you know," she reminded him knowingly.

"Really?" he asked, his green eyes widening comically as he bent even closer towards her. "When? Where? Were they nice?"

Rose giggled despite herself and pushed playfully at his arm that wasn't holding a flaming candelabra. "Come on, the giant dalek/cyberman invasion from seven years ago?" she stated simply. "Seriously, who could have missed that?"

She pointedly didn't mention the Gelth in Cardiff, knowing that that particular adventure would be too big of a hint into her true identity. Still, the memory of Canary Wharf wasn't exactly a pleasant one for either of them, and Rose felt her smile falter as the Doctor simply nodded and looked down at his boots in response.

"Right, of course," he muttered quietly. "Who could forget that?"

"This one seems different, though," Rose suggested helpfully, hoping to steer the topic of conversation to lighter waters. "Definitely not a cyberman. So ... what, then?"

The Doctor's smile returned as he pushed the candelabra into Rose's hand and then swept his arm out grandly towards the dark hallway beyond. "Well ... let's find out," he whispered gleefully.

--------------------

Later on when Rose finally got Emma alone again, she couldn't help but attempt to dig a little deeper into the empath's mind. It wasn't every day that she met someone who could read people the way that the Doctor could, and she found herself eager to explore a second perspective.

"So ... you and Professor Palmer," Rose murmured suggestively as she handed the other woman a fresh, warm mug of tea. "Have you ever ... you know?"

"No," Emma huffed dismissively, staring down into her tea to hide her expression.

"Why not?" Rose demanded insistently. "You do know how he feels about you, don't you? You, of all people?"

"I don't know," Emma sighed wearily. "People like me ... sometimes we get our signals mixed up. We think people are feeling the way we want them to feel. You know, when they're ... special to us. When really there's nothing there."

"Oh, this is there," Rose assured her knowingly.

"How do you know?" Emma asked, gazing up at Rose with unrestrained hope in her eyes.

"Because it's obvious!" Rose insisted, grabbing her own tea and coming to sit across from the other woman. "It sticks out like a ... big chin."

Emma let out another small huff of laughter as she shook her head at Rose in quiet disbelief. "What about you and the Doctor?" she asked curiously.

Rose opened her mouth to respond but hesitated for a moment, eyeing Emma's strange expression of intense concern. "Oh, I don't know. Why do you ask?" she finally replied.

"You shouldn't trust him," Emma warned her gently. "There's a sliver of ice in his heart."

Rose was startled into silence as she simply stared at Emma for a moment, her heart suddenly beating just a bit faster.

"But ... I already know that you won't listen," Emma continued, sighing and shaking her head once mroe.

"Oh? Why's that, then?" Rose asked curiously.

"Because you have a flame of fire in yours," the empath replied, her eyes meeting Rose's and seeming to look straight through her. "There's a light that burns at the heart of you. An eternal flame that will never die. I don't know, maybe you're right - maybe that will be enough to help him. But I fear for both of you if you're wrong."

And Rose had absolutely no idea how to respond to that, but she was saved from her conundrum when the Doctor himself suddenly came bustling in and announced that they would be taking a quick trip.

--------------------

The Doctor reached the TARDIS ahead of Rose since he chose to run through the rain rather than wait for her to open her umbrella, and Rose rolled her eyes as he rudely let the doors slam in her face. She knew that there were times when he could be very considerate and chivalrous, but when his mind was racing twelve steps ahead of him, he tended to get a bit lost in the moment.

"So, where are we going?" she asked lightly as she opened the doors herself and followed him in.

"Nowhere, we're staying right here," he replied distractedly as he slid around the console and hastily set their destination. "Right here, on this exact spot, if I can work out how to do it."

"So ... when are we going?" Rose elaborated as she stepped up to join him at the console.

Her teasing smile seemed to catch his attention and he began to chuckle in amusement as he easily mirrored her expression. "Oh, that is good," he murmured appraisingly. "That is top notch."

He moved to stand closer to her and Rose turned on habit to meet him, but he suddenly froze and narrowed his eyes back on the door that she had just come through.

"Hold on, wait a second, how did you do that?" he asked, pointing over her shoulder in the direction of the TARDIS doors.

"Do what?" Rose asked, glancing back quickly to see if there was something that she had missed.

"You opened the doors," the Doctor stated suspiciously.

"Yeah? So?"

"The TARDIS doors - my TARDIS doors," the Doctor continued, leaning closer and leveling that suspicious look on her that Rose was really starting to dread. "You don't have a key, how did you do that?"

"I just ... opened them," Rose muttered truthfully, shrugging her shoulders.

"Hmm," the Doctor hummed consideringly, looking down his nose at her. "Seems the TARDIS has taken a liking to you, then. That's ... new."

"What, afraid you're not teacher's favorite anymore?" Rose teased him with a knowing smile.

The Doctor rolled his eyes at her with an annoyed expression, but she heard the answering chuckle that he tried to keep under his breath as he turned away from her and returned to preparing them for departure.

"So?" Rose prompted him. "You didn't answer the question. When are we going?"

"We're going always," the Doctor replied cryptically, flashing her an excited smile as he pulled the dematerialization lever.

He then proceeded to take them through the entire life cycle of the Earth - from birth to death. Rose tried not to let it get to her - she really did, but the whirlwind trip was a stark reminder of the power that the Doctor held and how cruel the passing of time could really be.

"Alright?" the Doctor asked wearily as they finally landed back in 1974. Rose had fallen silent ever since he had returned and changed out of his orange environment suit and back into his bowtie and coat. He had been watching her cautiously out of the corner of his eye the entire time.

"I just saw the entire lifespan of the earth in five minutes," Rose reminded him quietly.

"Yes," he agreed.

"It just ... reminded me of something."

"And what's that?" he asked curiously.

"That everything ends." Rose stared dejectedly down at the console controls as she said it, but after a moment of silence the Doctor moved to her side and her gaze was pulled up on instinct to meet his.

"Not everything," he muttered quietly, his voice a mere whisper, as though it were a secret. "Not love. Not always."

Rose stared up into the Doctor's deep green gaze in silent wonder as she struggled with what to say next. There was something just behind his eyes that hinted at recognition, but she couldn't tell if it was real or just wishful thinking on her part.

"Oh, Doctor," she sighed, flashing him a rueful smile as she continued to steadily meet his gaze. "What must we look like to you? I suppose everyone must seem like a ghost to someone who can travel the entirety of the universe in the blink of an eye."

"No, you're not ghosts," he replied evenly.

"No?" she asked, quietly prompting him for more.

"No," the Doctor answered simply. "You, Clara Oswald, are the only mystery worth solving."

The false name cut through Rose's heart just as it always did, but in the time it took for her to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat, the Doctor was already out the doors and running back through the rain towards the old, haunted house.

[yanagi-uxinta]

The Ghost of You (Dragon Age) Chapter 10

Available on FanFiction.net at: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6891181/10/The-Ghost-of-You

Rating: M

Status: Multichapter, chapter 10

Pairing: Fem!Hawke/Fenris

Wordcount: ~2,900

Summary: He knew he should have torn his old master’s heart out when he had the chance. Now, Fenris and the woman he loves are paying the price for his folly. They are enslaved, powerless, but Hawke refuses to forget him… even if he has forgotten her.

Notes: Written in November 2011, fic completed May 2016. Some minor tweaks to correct now-incorrect lore aspects, along with punctuation issues.

Looking at him; his ready stance, the way he’d purposefully positioned himself in front of the door, Hawke realised that Fenris was subtly trying to intimidate her into giving him straight answers, even before asking any questions.

Bless him. He used to know better.

With a hint of a smirk she couldn’t help, Hawke leaned back against the wall beside a large map of known Thedas, her weight on one leg, arms folded.

“Well, seeing as you’ve locked the door, and I don’t fancy my chances of getting past you in this condition, I’ll talk. I’ve got nothing better to do anyway, other than... I don’t know, eating? Sleeping? I’ve only had one portion of food today, and very little sleep, but you go right ahead, Fenris,” she said airily, though with an undercurrent of genuine irritation. The latter was directed at herself, however, at being caught. She knew he’d catch her eventually, but it still irked her that she’d had no warning.

It wasn’t that she was complacent anymore. She was just exhausted, and distracted.

From the small cracks in the serious mask he wore, she’d annoyed him. Good – hopefully he would get pulled into arguing with her and forget his original point.

“Don’t turn this on me, Hawke. I’ve tried to speak with you before, but you avoided me. Why?”

Or maybe he wouldn’t be distracted. His demanding tone brooked no argument, so she didn’t argue. She returned to diversions instead. “I’ve been busy,” she answered, honestly enough. She had been busy. Just not so much so that she couldn’t stop to talk when he saw her in the hallway.

He didn’t fall for it. “You ran away from me!” he growled, much to her indignation.

“I didn’t run! And I’ve had to work – I’ve had a lot to do lately,” she protested, pushing away from the wall as she unconsciously fell deeper into the exchange. After all, she’d walked. Quickly, but it was still walking, not running.

“So much so that you couldn’t stop and talk for two minutes?” he asked scornfully.

“Well, unlike some people, I’ve had actual work to do, not just following some pompous bastard around all day-” she stopped abruptly when he took several swift steps towards her, his jaw tight, one hand half-lifted as though to cut across her words physically. They both halted, painfully aware of what had happened the last time they’d lost their tempers.

Slowly, Hawke let out her breath, closing her eyes and searching for calm. Her heart was still under the impression she was running for her life, but she managed to settle some kind of temporary composure around her like a shawl. She gradually reclined back against the wall, her arms once again crossed, but her shoulders hunched protectively in a way they hadn’t when she was baiting him.

“What was it you wanted, Fenris?” she asked quietly, her eyes gazing at his reflection in the dark window. She watched him relax, though his brow still seemed furrowed and his voice was slightly strained.

“I just wanted to talk again, then when I didn’t get to speak to you I wanted to find out why you ran from me,” he replied as softly as she had. He was looking down, examining the carpet apparently as he scuffed his feet across the floor. He was quiet for a few moments, then his eyes lifted back to meet hers in the window again.

“Were we always like this?” he asked. Frowning slightly, she turned to meet his eye directly, her head tilted quizzically. He gestured at the two of them, then behind him vaguely to indicate the past. “This. Arguing all the time. It just feels so... easy to fall into. Not familiar, exactly, but when you speak to me, the retorts are just there. It’s like a well-practiced form that I can do without thinking. I-” He stopped, then waved dismissively with an impatient sigh. “I probably sound ridiculous.” He muttered, breathing a Tevene curse under his breath as he stared around at the top of the bookcases. While he wasn’t looking Hawke smiled.

“Actually, we got on very well. We certainly had our disagreements, mainly over the mages, but overall... we were very close.” She paused for a moment, wondering if he’d read into that and half-hoping he would. “But you did bicker quite frequently with some of our other friends. You always were quick on the come-backs, if I recall. Maybe that’s why it comes so easily to you now.”

His head had tilted to the side in confusion.

“Friends?” he asked curiously.

For a moment Hawke wondered why the concept was odd to him – even she had made some acquaintances that, in the absence of true companions, she’d term friends – but then she remembered the first time she’d spoken with him after he’d lost his memory, and the way the kitchen staff had gone quiet and given him a wide berth. By being Danarius’ fearsome bodyguard, he was estranged from the other slaves. By being a slave, he was isolated from the guards and other free staff of the household.

Quite simply, he was the loneliest person in the estate.

‘Oh, Fenris... ’ Her heart tightened with sympathy, but knowing he wouldn’t appreciate it, she quickly disguised the emotion as well as she could with a casual smile.

“Yes. You had quite a few, in fact. If I recall, you men had a weekly Diamondback session at your place. Aveline wasn’t too happy, but-”

“Wait. ‘My place’? I had my own home?” he asked, looking utterly bewildered now. Silently, Hawke cursed. Idiot, running away with her mouth!

Oh, to the Void with it.

“Yes, you did. Well, it wasn’t technically, legally yours, but no one challenged your ownership, really, and Aveline – she was Guard Captain – kept the patrols away from your home and diverted the questions about it, so you stayed there for years without any problems.”

He stared at her, seemingly unable to comprehend owning something, especially something as large and as influential as a home – even if it wasn’t proven by a slip of paper.

Hawke wondered what his reaction would be if he knew he’d illegally owned a mansion, and not just a house.

“But... where was this? It couldn’t have been Minrathous, surely.” He sounded lost, his eyes completely unshielded as he looked at her, pleading for some sort of sense to be returned to his life.

Hawke bit her lip. Should she tell him?

‘He’s already figured out it wasn’t Minrathous. May as well tell him where he was living for so long,’ she thought decisively, releasing her lip. For a moment, she thought his eyes had been just a fraction too low to be meeting hers, but then his gaze was firmly locked on hers again, and she dismissed it as an illusion of the low light.

“Kirkwall,” she breathed, feeling a lonely pang as the name left her. “We lived in Kirkwall.”

Rather than look understanding, Fenris only became more incredulous.

“Kirkwall? I’ve never even heard of that place before,” he snapped in agitation, starting to pace.

Suppressing an impatient sigh, Hawke cast around the room, then spotted the map. Quickly, she turned to it and scanned the northern coast of the Waking Sea, making a small noise of triumph when she spotted the tiny label ‘Kirkwall’.

She waved Fenris over when he asked her what she’d seen, and heard his near-silent approach.

He glanced at the map, then hastily redirected his gaze at the ceiling.

Hawke looked at him, amused.

“The map isn’t on the ceiling, Fenris,” she chastised gently, however he shook his head stubbornly.

“Slaves aren’t allowed to read, Hawke,” he admonished in return. He jumped several inches and looked down so quickly Hawke thought he’d snap his own neck when her hand touched his arm, avoiding armour and markings alike to brush his skin. Her grin was both irritating yet infectious, when he saw it. He stubbornly kept a disapproving frown on his face, however.

“Now that I have your attention, can I remind you of two things? One is that a) you can read, and b) I’m breaking a lot of rules to tell you this. Now if you care more about rules than finding out where you lived for seven years, then that’s fine by me,” she said pointedly. He glowered at her, knowing he wouldn’t turn down her challenge. She just smiled at him, silently acknowledging that she knew he wouldn’t either.

Damnable woman.

But after casting her a long-suffering look, Fenris hesitantly turned to the map, following her slender finger to the little black dot on the map, and the small, dark brown print beside it.

“Kirkwall,” he murmured, testing the word in his mouth for familiarity. There was no sudden bolt of recognition or understanding, or even of the name being right, but the word left him easily, as though it had passed his lips many times before. It was an odd sensation.

He was aware of Hawke’s eyes on him, and out of the corner of his own he could see her trying to stifle the hope that he would find the name familiar.

Somehow feeling inexplicably guilty, he slowly shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Hawke. I don’t remember a thing. There’s nothing but a... an ease of saying the word, if that even makes any sense.”

He thought he heard a soft sigh, but when he glanced sideways at her, there was no obvious disappointment in her face.

But...

From behind his screen of white hair, Fenris studied her expression closer. There was the smallest hint of tension around her eyes, and though her mouth didn’t seem taut, it wasn’t fully relaxed, even after she’d murmured some platitude about not needing to apologise and went back to staring at the map.

He shouldn’t have even noticed these things... but once he’d seen them, he realised there were other, tiny details he would never have seen before. The tension running along her shoulders, the way she had unconsciously turned towards his side, just fractionally.

Fenris had no idea what to make of these observations – he was half-inclined to believe that they were nothing more than the product of a near-sleepless night and long-term aggravation caused by the very woman he was studying.

Hawke shifted slightly, and Fenris hastily redirected his gaze to the map, keen not to be caught staring. He needn’t have worried, however. Hawke was still staring at the small label of her home, though her wistful eyes were vacant with memory. The tip of her finger still rested just below the name, as though that fake proximity could take her back to the place. For a moment, it was her that looked lost.

“Hawke?” he asked softly, carefully – as though not wanting to break her reverie. She started slightly, turning to him quickly with eyes wide with a lack of comprehension. She’d not even heard what he’d said, just his voice.

He shot a slow, deliberate look at the map, to prompt her into answering instead of clamming up and running away again. Sometimes, when he was talking to her he felt like he was trying to skirt around a large, sleeping dragon in a small room without waking it.

“Are you alright?” he asked when her face remained blank and uncomprehending.

She made a small, near-silent ‘oh’ of understanding, blinking and looking away with a dismissive shake of her head.

“It’s nothing, I just-” she stumbled over her words, before expelling them again, her hands half lifting from her sides only to slap powerlessly back to them in an aimless gesture. “Homesick,” she admitted, finally looking back into his face with an attempt at a smile, “I’m just very, very homesick.”  

Fenris’ head tilted slightly, his brow puckering slightly. In mild confusion, this time, not anger or frustration.

“Yet you’ve never tried to leave,” he stated in a murmur, the faint note of wondering to his voice turning the fact into a question.

She stared at him, her lips parted as though she were about to speak – why did he keep looking at her mouth? – a frown of consternation on her face as she stopped her impulsive response and scrabbled mentally to find another.

“What makes you think I’ve never tried to leave?” she settled on finally, shooting a quick glance to his eyes before her gaze veered away from him completely – dodging the question, and knowing she was doing so badly, he knew.

“Any slave that attempts to escape is publically flogged, and every other slave is assembled to watch. It happened about a week after my memories began – you must still have been in the dungeons, or you would know. Apparently it was a new slave, but he didn’t get over the gates in time and the guards caught him. He got thirty lashes, if I recall. Since that is the only time in the past three months that a slave was punished for trying to escape, I assume you haven’t tried, otherwise you would have been lashed, or you would no longer be here,” he countered easily, somehow absurdly confident that he was right.

She was staring at him again, trying to argue if the sudden, terminated quirks of her lips were anything to go by. Finally she shot him a grudging look of respect and gave in.

“Fine, you’re right. I’ve not tried to escape since you lost your memory,” she answered honestly, hoping that would satiate his curiosity. He, however, picked up on what she hadn’t said.

“But you did before?” he said quickly. He could almost see the curses she was directing at him mentally behind her eyes.

“I- look, Fenris, I can’t talk about this, okay? I’m not allowed,” she protested, taking a step back from him and looking towards the door. He recognised the signs of an impending flight.

On impulse, he seized the hand that had rose to push his words away, trapping her in place and closing the gap between them again.

“But you did try to escape?” he pressed, trying to catch her eye as she looked, torn, between the door and his hand holding hers, almost against his chest.

“I- no, Fenris, I’m not allowed-” she tried to pull away without any real force; he held firm, finally capturing her eyes with his as she shot a distracted, almost panicked look at his face.

 “Please,” he murmured, taking another step so that their bodies almost touched. His proximity settled her decision, however, and she put her free hand against his breast plate, pushing him away with one hand whilst jerking the captured one free in a sudden, almost violent movement.

“Just leave it, Fenris, please!” she nearly shouted, backing several steps away from him. The distance broke his intense determination to get an answer, and left him staring across the few-feet gulf between them.

He realised that Hawke’s breath was coming quickly, even though pushing him away couldn’t have exerted her much. She was gazing at him with such torn eyes that he couldn’t speak, only now realising that, in his fervour, he’d scared her.

“Fenris, don’t do this. Just don’t. Please.” It was that dry, hoarse whisper that stayed with him as she turned; unlocked the door and vanished from sight, her footsteps hurrying down the hall.

‘Don’t. Please.’

Why did those words sound so familiar?