#agab just throws us back into the binary

[landlockedcorsair]

Hate assigned gender. The only downside to being nonbinary is the inevitable “but were you born with a cunt or a dick” question cause it ALWAYS comes up. Like. Am I afab or amab?? I understand why people ask, but it’s so reductive and it sucks. I’m nonbinary but there’s always the modifier of genitals or assigned gender. Every single time. Like, trans women and trans men have their struggles, and there are lots of haters out there. But I can’t be nonbinary without the modifier of my assigned gender. Actually that’s the same as transmasc and transfems damn. Why does our existence always gotta be measured against how we were when we were pushed out of some cunt? Can’t we just tell you our gender without the fucking backstory? “I’m nonbinary, but I come from a long line of cunt-bearing dick-swingers; you see, I’ve got my grandpas hair and my grandmas temperament. I’m a vicious mess. But this random doctor said my whole future should be defined by his first glance at my infant body. So my agab is _____ and that tells you everything about me.”

[musings-from-mars]

Please don't reblog this. I just wanted to get this ramble out.

I woke up this morning and was just filled with thoughts about gender.

I’m thinking about “passing,” and what that word means for nonbinary people. This phenomenon of presenting as your gender in such a convincing way that passersby take one look at you and perceive you to be your gender. This idea has always filled me with this deep discomfort, and I’m realizing now that this is because nonbinary people can’t pass as nonbinary because “passing” implies a certain level of general social acceptance. To pass means to no longer look “trans” first and foremost and instead look like “[binary gender]” first and foremost. One transgression leading to another conformation.

Important to note now: I’m not telling any binary trans person that they’re wrong for wanting to pass. This post is more about the language we as a trans community use, and how many of these terms have very different impressions and meanings for us depending on our gender identities and experiences.

Because of that “general social acceptance” thing I mentioned, passing as nonbinary isn’t really possible. Because innate in that label “nonbinary” is your transness. And so, if you can somehow pull of that romantic, fantastical, mythical gender confusion where people look at you and “can’t tell if you’re a man or a woman,” that’s about as close an enby can get to passing, to being perceived as they wish to be by society. And very few enbies can actually achieve that. I certainly can’t.

Rejecting the gender binary itself is a transgression against social norms. There’s no comfy box to fit into after that, which makes other people nervous.

And yet, if someone wanted to be recognized by strangers as nonbinary, like I wish I could be, even that’s almost impossible. Presentation can only get you so far. I’m profoundly aware that escaping from the preconceptions my AGAB and my body is impossible without a lot of time, effort, and money spent on my part. I can wear nail polish and grow my hair out all I want. But there’s no nonbinarizing hormone. There’s no way I can be shorter. With my ADHD being the way it is, there’s no way I can be clean shaven at all times (someday I’ll get laser hair removal, when I have a couple grand to throw at it).

“Passing” isn’t possible for a lot of trans people, binary or nonbinary, because of a lot of the same factors. But for nonbinary people, the mere idea of being looked at and perceived by the world as something other than your AGAB, even mistakenly as the other binary gender, is better than being shoved back into the box you were born into. There are no ideals to live up to. There are no set social rules to being nonbinary. And so sometimes, it’s just easier to reach towards the next best thing, the thing that isn’t your AGAB, nor is it who you actually are, but…at least it’s something new.

And I think that’s why I’ve considered HRT so strongly recently. I know almost for certain that having breasts would be dysphoric for me. The body fat redistribution would be welcome, and well as the effect it might have on my just…general state of being? But this is what I mentioned earlier—There is no nonbinarizing hormone. My hypothetical transition would not be anywhere closer to my idea of my gender identity manifesting physically. I’d just start looking a bit more like the other binary gender.

I don’t want to pass, I just wish people could know who I am, without me having to tell them. I can wear my they/then enamel pin, I can paint my nails pink, I can wear pastel colors, but it feels like trying to reach towards the center of one of those carnival rides where you stand with your back against the wall and it spins you so fast that the forces push you back into the wall even further. I can make an effort to reach out, to try to get somewhere else, and I might make a little progress, but that always spinning spiral will always eventually push me back against the wall. Somewhere else that I wasn’t before, perhaps. But no closer to where I wish I could be.

Please don't reblog this. I just wanted to get this ramble out.

[l-e-g-i-o-n-losh]

I'm going to SCREAM some idiot on twitter REALLY just circled back around to "Real Trans People are oppressed by genderqueers because they're loud and annoying online and it makes us suffering binary trans people look bad" like that's not transmed self sabotage 101 like there's ANY POSSIBLE WAY ON EARTH any annoying quirky nb who posts too much could EVER be more responsible for transphobia than TRANSPHOBES

Anyways this isn't the first time I've seen this crap and it unfortunately won't be the last but here's my friendly biannual reminder that if you're still eating truscum martyr complex bullshit and trying to throw nb & gnc people under the bus for being too loud, annoying, visible, quirky, zany, immature, young, happy, proud, narcissistic, agab-lite, or for transitioning socially, you can fuck right off

[cameron-artist]

“I’m Still Here” by John Rzeznik from Treasure Planet (2002).

These lyrics are super relatable for me as an enby! I’m sure others have pointed it out, but in particular the following lines

“ And how can they say I'll never change They're the ones that stay the same ” (I mean yeah, that’s how it feels being outside the binary)

“and what do you think you'd ever say I won't listen anyway you don't know me and I'll never be what you want me to be” (I really won’t listen, yep, ha ha, me 100%. So many strangers and even acquaintances never get to know me really. And I never fit into the mold. Even back when I thought I was cis, I’ve been gender non-conforming at least since I was um 12? maybe younger. I know about 11/12 I decided to specifically break certain gendered expectations. And of course, now that I realize I am a genderqueer non-binary aroace, there is very little that society expects from me that I can relate to at all.)

Full analysis of the lyrics below: (obviously it is not a perfect fit)

I am a question to the world not and answer to be Heard (yes, confusing people. my aesthetic can be roughly described as “you can’t gender it if it is bizarre enough.”) or a moment that's held in your arms and what do you think you'd ever say I won't listen anyway you don't know me and I'll never be what you want me to be (I already talked about this before, but oh my gosh, I would belt out this and a few other parts because way back before I knew anything about queerness, I felt like the world was not understanding me and that there was something wrong with straight cis people (lol) so yeah) and what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy no, I'm a man (ok, I never really related to the parts of this song that directly said man or boy, but I couldn’t relate to songs that talked about being a girl or woman so I wasn’t bothered by this, especially because I interpreted this primarily as meaning, I’m not a child, I’m an adult. English’s use of man as the generic only reinforced this for me.) You can't take me and throw me away (I can’t be ignored, you can’t just pretend I’m not there.) And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah you stand here on your own (yeah, I will just walk away instead of explaining myself to everyone) They don't know me Cause I'm not here (because I am leaving you to form whatever opinion of me while I live my own life) And I want a moment to be real Wanna touch things I don't feel We want to hold on and feel I belong (oof, big mood here, I wanted to find a place I could belong, fit in without having to change my core self, I kept thinking maybe I just needed to find the right friends of my AGAB in order to fit in; finding the right people helped, of course, but I am not cis.) And how can the world want me to change They're the ones that stay the same (yeah, I shouldn’t have to change because the binary is too limiting anyways.) They don't know me Cause I'm not here (like I stated, I am leaving people who are not willing to try. I have never been interested in trying to fit in by changing myself.) And you see the things they never see All you wanted I could be Now you know me and I'm not afraid (that euphoria of being out to someone who accepts and supports you) And I wanna tell you who I am (wanting to be out to someone, to have them fully accept you) Can you help me be a man (again, the gendered language here doesn’t bother me because I can’t relate to songs about women or men and sometimes men is the default (less so than it was) and in any case, I never really thought about the gendering of this until I listened more intently to the song lately.) They can't break me As long as I know who I am (100% this! One of my coworkers who knows I’m non-binary pointed out to me recently that I need to express my authentic self and if people don’t like it, that is fine too. No matter how I express, someone is not going to be happy so I need to make sure I am.) They can't see me (invisible gender, invisible orientation) But I'm still here (you may not acknowledge me but I am who I am) They can't tell me who to be (only you can decide who you are) Cause I'm not what they see (perception is not reality, especially as people will try to force either man or woman as your label.) Yeah, the world is still sleeping While I keep on dreaming for me (the world may not see what I’m doing, may be ignoring it, but I am making my plans) And their words are just whispers and lies That I'll never believe (there are only two genders they say; bullshit I respond) And I want a moment to be real (who I truly am) Wanna touch things I don't feel We want to hold on and feel I belong (the acceptanace of the queer community) And how can they say I'll never change They're the ones that stay the same I'm the one now (I am finally myself) Cause I'm still here I'm the one Cause I'm still here I'm still here I'm still here I'm still here (like it or not, I am here. People have killed others before me for daring to be themselves. And unless they manage to do the same to me, I am here. Even after I die, whether of old age or hate crime, there will be others after me.)

Anyway, I like this song and find it super relatable. Even before I knew I was queer, I always jammed to this song.