#ajd the wall isnt budging. my mind is like yeah.... u still need the wall. if u took down the wall in one move we might go ballistic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mejomonster · 4 months

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(One of the sucky things) about healing dissassociation/not being able to feel shit. Is first u feel the stuff u did not notice u were feeling, which u disconnected from, which is mostly big Yikes heavy stuff. And only after u feel miserable a while do u regain the ability to feel like... happy. Excited. The pleasant stuff that has more feeling to it than the neutral content zone that's been your "nicest" felt emotion for the last year.

#rant #like. i am purposely working on grounding more yes. therapy went well in that regard yes #but knowing i basically need to oscilate now between AGH OW SAD CHEST PAIN AWFUL AGONY and #then also stay in the window of tolerance to prevent a panic attack by cqrefully feeling enough to cry for like 1 minute then #Putting Feelings In A Box (as therapy said to) and basically disassociating again until i can tolerate risking feeling for another minute???#not the Most fun.#but id like to feel excited again some day. or joy or a crush. or eager. etc. so i gotta process all this heavy feeling stuff #but like. theres apparently a Lot cause when i give myself permission to become present? i feel a WALL #holding me together and i carefully open a tiny slot in the wall and just feel that 1 sliver.#ajd the wall isnt budging. my mind is like yeah.... u still need the wall. if u took down the wall in one move we might go ballistic #anyway i opened one tiny piece of wall today and was hit by immense grief and fear #cause ppl i love are quite sick and its a very real fear they may die soon. it hurts so much to notice i can #only notice in tiny 30 second periods split by an hour of putting it back in q box #or else id cry too much and crying tends to sdare me. so i dont wanna sob uncontrollably for hours

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