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warrioreowynofrohan · 4 years

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Rhythm of War Review

PART 1

It feels a little separate from the rest of the book to me at the moment because I read it pre-release, but I think it did a good job setting up the rest of the plot. I greatly enjoyed Navani’s perspective and ideas throughout the book, and the first section established her much more firmly as a character than any of the previous books; her couple of chapters in Oathbringer were more focused on politics and her relationship with Dalinar, so it was great yo see much more of her scientific side.

When I first read Part 1 it felt very Kaladin-heavy, but after completing the book I see how it was necessary to establish his burnout in order to set up the rest of the plot. And Chapter 12 (A Way to Help), in addition to being our only chance in the book to see our trio together, did a great job setting up Kaladin’s later work with mentally ill people, both by establishing the need and showing what kind of help was needed. I was nonetheless quite frustrated by Kaladin reacting to Shallan’s DID with “that would be nice...”. She’s having serious problems, Kal! She’s your friend and could use support, not you regarding her issues as a neat way to take a holiday from one’s own brain! Kaladin’s very kind and caring with those he chooses to protect, as we see with Bridge 4 in TWOK and the mentally ill people in Chapter 25, but sometimes I think he’s not a very good friend. I know he was not in a good place, but in Oathbringer when they were in Shadesmar Shallan had just had a complete breakdown and she still went out of her way to emotionally support Kal, so it would be nice to see his friendships become a bit more two-way. (For similar reasons, I liked seeing the moments of Shallan-to-Adolin emotional support in Shadesmar in ROW, because a lot of their relationship in OB was her relying on him; it felt balanced in ROW as both supported each other.)

PART 2

I loved the Shadesmar arc! The emotional arcs for both main characters were very strong - I had been looking forward to seeing Adolin’s reaction to (in-universe) Oathbringer, and it did not disappoint; the conflict between genuinely loving Dalinar and being unable to forgive what he’d done was well-drawn. I was so pissed off at Dalinar in that last conversation! You burned his mom to death, you do not get to take the moral high ground and lecture him. And I do see a difference between killing innocents, as Taravangian does, and killing someone who’s effectively declared war on you and has a history of treason.

I also liked Adolin’s sense of being generally at sea with his purpose in the world. He’s been trained primarily as a warrior and general, and his combat skills have been made virtually obsolete by the Radiants. And at the same time, the reader can see what makes Adolin special, and it’s not combat skills - though those do give him a big heroic moment in a pinch - it’s his care and compassion for others. The way he interacts with Maya and slowly brings her life is absolutely beautiful. Chapter 35 was such a wonderful Shadolin moment (and starspren are amazing!); he really gets her and understands what she needs. Chapter 24 was sweet too, though super cheesy.

I spent the entire Shadesmar arc side-eying Veil and Radiant, especially with Veil’s takeover stunt at the start, but in the end they genuinely were supporting and helping Shallan. So in retrospect I do like scenes like the one with Veil trying to draw Shallan out by drawing Adolin badly.

Spoeking of drawing, I love the spren art, it’s some of the best art so far, and fascianting to see how they all look!

Kaladin finding non-violent ways to protect, culminating in pioneering Rosharan therapy - and Teft insisting on staying to support him - was everything I wanted for him. His arc could have just been that, and I’d have been perfectly happy. Chapter 25 (Devotary of Mercy) is still my favourite in the entire book.

Unfortunately, then Odium’s forces had to show up and SPOIL EVERYTHING. I’m rather appalled by how quickly Urithiru fell - the enemy forces were literally in the pillar room by the time anyone noticed them.

PART 3

Part 3 was a real slog for me, partly because it is a slog and partly because I hit it at the height of my sleep deptivation. (It’s really...not a good thing to be reading on zero sleep at the literal darkest-hour-before-dawn.) Kaladin’s arc in Urithiru is just so exhausting; he’s so clearly worn to the boneand everything feels so hopeless. Kaladin’s had bad times before - Bridge 4 in TWOK, for example - but then the reader could see progress even if Kaladin couldn’t. (Kaladin: I’m getting nowhere and failing at everything! Everyone else: Kaladin, you were literally just miraculously resurrected.) Here, though - well, I genuinely spent the whole book from Part 3 through to the climax thinking that they would lose Urithiru.

Navani’s arc, and Venli’s, I did enjoy.

The other section of Part 3, in Emul, just felt rather disjointed. It had some interesting moments, but it didn’t have a sense of cohesion or of where it was going. I was entertained by Dalinar’s musings on the merits of despositism and the need to free Queen Fen from having - horrors! - a parliament. (I wonder if the Fourth Ideal will be something like “I will recognize that it can sometimes be beneficial to have people oppose my decisions.”)

PART 4

Again, adored the Shadesmar arc. Really strong character arcs for both Adolin and Shallan, combined with excellent plots and a strong sense of momentum. I was pretty sure Maya would be crucial in the trial, but that didn’t make the moment any less powerful (though Sanders probably shouldn’t have tried quite as hard to replicate his “You. Cannot. Have. My. Pain.” moment from Oathbringer). I need to put together a proper post on the theme of choice in Oathbringer, because that moment - combined with Kaladin’s fourth ideal and the conflict with Lirin over the way he’s inspiring the resistance - really crystallized it for me. To treat a person’s choice and sacrifices as something done to them is to devalue their volition, their agency. Maya is put in the horrifying situation of being used as a prop and treated as evidence of a point that she is diametrically opposed to and turned into a weapon against someone she loves, and it’s enough to drive her to regain her voice and speak for herself. I am very curious to know what specifically led the spren to agree to the Recreance!

I did not remotely guess what Shallan’s secret was, even though in retrospect the Cryptic deadeye should have made it incredibly obvious. I think her fear that she’d lose Adolin if it came out was overblown - he already knows she killed both her parents, he’s not going to be fazed by “I was so distraught over having to kill my own mother in self-defence at age ten that I broke my Radiant oaths”. But obviously it’s not something Shalkan would be able to consider duspassionately. Her arc was rather terrifying once I realized that Formless was, well, basically her, but more specifically, Shallan’s idea of the monster that she was, and her breakdown was driving her to “accept who she was” as being that monster. I like Shallan and was never that into Veil - though she was fairly good in this book and went out well - so I’m not sad to see the back of her.

I haven’t managed to work through all the espionage/mole elements. Yes, Pattern used the box to talk to Wit, and Radiant killed Ialai so Shallan wouldn’t, but who’s Mraize’s spy close to Dalinar?

This arc ended too abruptly. I think Sanderson could easily have traded a Kaladin chapter in Part 3 for an extra chapter wrapping up events in Shadesmar; maybe one where Shallan first goes to see Testament.

I enjoyed the Urithiru arc in Part 4 as well. Switching to Bridge 4 points of view other than Kaladin was a good move - we already know he’s worn to ribbons, so we don’t need to be inside his head to see it. “The Dog and the Dragon” was amazing, and the most appropriate story ever for Kaladin. (I get how Wit’s schtick of telling incredibly topical stories and then saying “no, I don’t have a point, what point?” would be really aggravating in person.) It was nice to see him be gentle with Kaladin for a change, the way he is with Shallan - his two previous encounters with Kaladin read as rather baiting, which annoyed me.

Dabbid was - I don’t know quite how to say this, but his inclusion struck an amazing balance in this book. Navani’s arc is all about two amazingly smart people doing science and making incredible breakthroughs, and that is sincerely valued and given importance by the narrative, and then you get chapters like Dabbid’s and one of Taravangian’s emphasizing that a person’s value and ability to contribute is not determined by their intelligence.

Navani’s arc continued to be excellent. All of her research, and the way the story took you through the process, and her complex relationship with Raboniel, was great.

I loved Venli’s character development, and growing willingness to take risks for the sake of others. To me, her arc parallels Dalinar’s in the last book in some ways. If we can love the story of a bloodthirsty conqueror growing to become a good person, why can’t we equally love the story of a coward coming to become a good person? There seems to be a tendency to be more drawn to strength, even in its most terrible forms, than to weakness. To me, Venli’s confession to Rlain and acceptance of his disgust at her was one of the book’s great moments. (And I can’t understand people saying her arc took up two much space. She had 5 chapters in Part 3, and 4 in Part 4. That’s not very many! I’ll grant that the flasbacks packed less punch than some earlier flashback sequences because we already knew the main events - Brandon acknowledged that even before the book came out - but I still liked them well enough, and Venli’s present-day arc was excellent.)

Anyway, the amount of space I’ve spent on this section relative to Part 3 is another strong inducation of the differences in how I feel about them!

PART 5

I should probably start this section with a discussion of Moash. I’ll try to keep it summarized. here - I could, and may, write a short essay on his development through The Stormlight Archive. The first thing that jumps out about Moash’s arc in this book is his reaction to Renarin’s vision in Part 1. I think that vision is showing Moash who he could still be, in a similar way to Shallan’s inspirational drawings of people - both use the Surge of Illumination. So it’s not that Moash is irredeemable; Renarin is specifucally holding out to him the possibility of redemption.

And Moash’s reaction is to run away in terror. Because he desperately wants his decision to be irrevocable. He desperately wants there to only be one possible path forward for him. Because if there are alternative paths, it means he can choose them, and that would mean facing guilt, facing the fact that his past choices were wrong, and his current choices are wrong. And that is exactly what Moash sought to avoid by giving up his pain and sense of guilt to Odium.

Moash is, nonetheless, very much Moash and not Vyre, as evidenced by his continuing obsession with Kaladin. As with his above need to not be wrong, here he needs to feel that he’s right, and the only way he can feel that he’s right is if Kaladin - whom he still deeply admires - makes the same decision as him, and if Moash can convince himself that he’s doing Kaladin a favour in driving him to that point. It’s ironic that he’s given up almost all feeling abd become almost enturely detached, but his worst actions are driven by his attitude towards the one person in the world who he still does have very strong feelings about. By the end of the book, he’s comprehensively broken, to the point that even when his ability to feel is restored he’s unable to even feel genuine remose over the cold-blooded murder of a friend. I don’t know where he’ll go from here - it would be ironic if he was only ever really appealing to Rayse-Odium, and Taravangian-Odium found Moash too much of a flat villain for his purposes and cast him off.

As the plot climaxes go, I thought the ones for Navani and Venli were excellent and very satisfying. I enjoyed Kaladin’s as well and found it cathartic, but it a was moment we all knew had to come, so it didn’t have quite the kick of some of Kaladin’s other big moments. I did love his reconciliation with Lirin. One of the themes of the book was finding common ground despite deeply felt disagreements - with Navani and Raboniel, with Navani and the Sibling, and with humans and singers/Fused more generally - and Kaladin and Lirin’s reconciliation fit well with that. I am far more favourable to Lirin than most people - if you’ve lived as a pacifist in storming Alethkar, which values the lives of its people slightly more than it does crem, you’re going to have been right a solid 95% of the time, where everyone else was wrong. I can make allowances for the other five percent, especially when Lirin’s life lesson from the last five or so years has been “resisting oppression and standing up for what you believe in will destroy everyone you love”.

And on the topic of finding common ground, Leshwi’s reaction to the revelation that Venli was a Radiant was one of the single most beautiful moments of the book, and one of my absolute favourites. It’s gorgeous and moving, and at the same time rather tragic, because - what might have bern different if Venli had revealed herself to Leshwi at the start of the book? How much of the conflict could have been avoided. Singers don’t appear to attract spren as strongly as humans do, which makes Leshwi drawing joyspren particularly powerful. And then the bittersweet note from “My soul is too long owned by someone else”. (Come to think of it, this is another inverted paralell to Moash. This is someone realizing “I was wrong about everything and I’m so glad about that because it means I have a chance to be someone better than I was.”) Oh my goodness, I would love a Leshwi chapter in a later book, just to check in on her and see how she’s doing in her new life with the Singers.

I also loved the climax of Navani’s arc, and was so relieved, because up until that very moment I wasn’t sure if the Sibling would survuve uncorrupted. I know that some people weren’t pleased because the Sibling didn’t even like her, but to me that became a core part of the story, like I said above - people who deeply disagree finding common ground and common cause. That is a key element of being a Bondsmith - the process of bringing people together in spite of their differences - and something that fits Navani so well given the rapport she found with Raboniel. (Though I was conflicted about the latter. On the one hand, she made amazing discoveries that enabled her to save Urithiru. One the other hand, she...kind of collaborated with the enemy and gave them terrible weapons out of intellectual curiosity and a desire to prove herself?) I will grant that it makes the series, and the characters with the most crucial importance to Roshar, rather Kholin-heavy.

For Taravodium, all I can say is - YIPES. I have no idea how to process the implications of that, but I feel like it will be bad. Really really bad. (Taravangian is probably my least favourite character in the entire Stormlight Archive. The attitude of “I am so brave and selfless for doing evil things and look at how wonderful I am for sacrificing my own morality for the benefit of all, you petty selfish people wanting to be good could never make such a grand sacrifice” drives me absolutely nuts. It’s a complete inversion and twisting of morality, and intensely arrogant.)

Dalinar’s encounter with Ishar was fascinating, and I’m very curious to see where this goes. The spren experiments were deeply creepy! And the way Radiant Oaths can temporarily restore a Herald’s sanity was fascinating - I’m very eager to see where this goes in the next book. I suspect that Dalinar may have made a very serious mistake with regards to this trial my combat, and I have no idea how/if they’re going to fit Szeth’s whole arc into the ten days before the duel. I’ve been eagerly anticipating Szeth’s arc ever since The Way of Kings!

#brandon sanderson #the stormlight archive #rhythm of war #row spoilers #kaladin #shallan #adolin #dalinar kholin #navani kholin #leshwi #moash

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thenuanceddebater · 4 years

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Personal Post: Why I Disappear

Alright. This has been a long time coming. This might be one of the most open, personal, etc. posts that I’ve made on this blog. I’m not going to hide anything (save for some identifying details), and I’m going to go through messy stuff like emotions and whatnot. So, I’m putting it under a read more. Please do not think that you need to read this if you don’t want to.

When I first started this blog, I was in undergrad and almost failing out. I had some family issues going on with my grandfather (who is now deceased due to what I could charitably call medical malpractice to the point where it helped change a national procedural standard), and I was hurting. I didn’t have many (or really any) friends, and I needed something to vent to. I made an account to shout into the void – to post long content that wouldn’t ever really get popular or any traction whatsoever for my own benefit. I needed a place where I could yell at people and feel smart. I really didn’t think anything would ever happen, or that I’d even get like... 50 followers. And then my content it kind of... did take off to a degree.

I wasn’t really prepared for that, but at the time it was really fun. I’ve got a bit of an obssessive/ addictive personality, and tumblr became an addiction. At first, that was okay. I was involved in the culture-war discourse, but not really taking it any more seriously than I took other things. I had a summer internship during summer 2016 where I would make tumblr posts when I didn’t have enough work to do, and enjoyed talking to some of the friends I made on this platform. Then it got bad. I started disagreeing with people on “my side,” the 2016 election happened and I felt isolated from the left and the right, and the alt-right started to become a real thing on this website.

Charlottesville is what finally killed it for me. I saw so many people I had at least some respect for trotting out positions that were not only wrong, but odiously wrong. I had acquaintances, classmates, good friends who were affected there. Who were on the ground when it happened. And I know a lot more about Charlottesville than most people on this website. I got sick and tired of having to defend myself, of having people who didn’t know what they were talking about speak back on issues that they did not fully understand. At that point, tumblr became toxic for me. And it’s never really come back. It just took me a while to realize it.

I deleted the tumblr app from my phone in fall 2017, and it’s never come back. I took what was originally intended to be a 3 month sabbatical from tumblr, and then realized that I didn’t want it back in my life. It had kind of... fulfilled its purpose, and I was on to new things. I got a job, and started studying for law school. Then I got into law school. Tumblr was the last place I made that announcement. I used the fact that I had “gotten busy” as an excuse, but that’s not fully accurate. Yes, I was and am very busy. But if I really wanted to, I could make time to post. Maybe not the pages, upon pages, upon PAGES that I used to. But something. What it really was is that I no longer wanted to. The way this website works, at least on the political side, pushed me away.

Alright, now a MAJOR confession time. I have a lot of anxiety. As in, diagnosed “I went to therapy for a year to help deal with it” anxiety. I’m not in therapy anymore, and I cope with it pretty well (especially compared to some people I know and have a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for). I’m privileged in that regard. So many people have it worse. But, there are still certain things that trigger an immediate strong anxiety response. One of them is seeing that I have notes that aren’t just reblogs or likes. For some reason, when I see a number above that little lightning bolt (or when I saw the activity tracker go crazy on older tumblr) it just makes my heart start pounding. It’s not that I think I might be wrong. I still welcome correction and critique of my opinions. It’s not that I don’t want people to reblog my stuff, or comment on it. That’s (1) not my choice and (2) absolutely silly.

It’s more that I’m anxious about how the response is going to make me feel. Some of the angriest I’ve been in recent memory is reading tumblr posts. The angriest I’ve been since the whole... grandfather who was like a father to me died due to medical malpractice thing was when I read a response to a post I made about genocide. The second angriest is when I read a response to a post about Charlottesville. The angriest I’ve been in recent memory is when I read that post that brought me back to the website where people were encouraging others to resist unlawful arrest and citing to a case that was outdated.

I’m not an angry person. I don’t like annoying myself like that. But for some reason, I just can’t help myself sometimes. The number of times I’ve been annoyed enough to want to respond to something in recent memory is... quite high. Sure, there are times where I come back just because I want to check my messages, see something positive, or a question and then am inspired to write something. But that’s not what it usually is. Not really. It’s usually the educator/ elitist in me who wants to correct something that he sees as wrong. And when that thing is dangerously wrong or disingenuously wrong, well that creates some emotions considering that I like to believe that people operate in good-faith and this website really stretches that belief sometimes. And sometimes I can deal with that, and sometimes it really, really bothers me.

I’ve also discovered that I really don’t get very much from tumblr. I used to use it as shouting to the void, and as an activity I could do other than just playing video games and procrastinating on my school work. Well, I do a lot of things now. I have a lot of friends now, and more school work and obligations to student organizations, law journals, my summer internships, etc. I used to use tumblr as a way to feel like I was smart. To feel like I mattered and that I could do great things. I have other ways of doing that, as well as a lot more internal self-esteem and external validation of that self-esteem. Back when I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I was a bad person. Now, I know I’m not, and am in fact a pretty good person. Back when I made my tumblr, I had no outlet for the intellectual energy other than my long-term girlfriend and school work. Now, I have so many outlets for that energy, that it’s honestly mindboggling. Oh, and I still have that same now very-long-term girlfriend (just in case anyone was curious. Our ten year anniversary is next year. I’m 25. I’ve been dating this woman for almost 40% of my life. And she’s honestly fucking amazing, brilliant, and I’m so damn lucky to have her.). It’s not like I’m starved for interaction or avenues to pursue anymore. When I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I’d fucked my life up to such a degree that I was never really going to be able to un-fuck it. Now, I’ve shown myself that I was wrong. I was really, really wrong. About a lot of things, but especially that. I’m not the same person as when I made my tumblr. Not at all. And that’s a really good thing.

But when I go and look at some other people, some other blogs that I used to follow/ still follow (I’m not going to name names), I don’t see that kind of change. I see that they are still the same (or very similar) people. It’s been years. They’re talking about the same things, using the same words, etc. That’s... crazy to me. When I logged on to tumblr this fall and I saw that fucking Charlottesville was somehow still a debate topic, I just about lost it. There’s a post I made that accurately summarizes some of the emotions I felt, but really a lot of it was that this website is Neverland. If you stay here, you likely never grow up. All that happens is that the Wendys, Johns, and Michaels decide that they want to grow-up, and leave to go and do so. So, all that’s left are the Peter Pans and Captain Hooks engaged in constant warfare about the same things for weeks, months, years. And when a Wendy, John, or Michael decides to come back well. Neverland is still the same. Welcoming them back to the same fight that they remember from years ago – from when they were a different person. I don’t know why, but that’s just so damn sad to me. There’s a reason why my old bio said “just a human striving endlessly for the perfection that he can never hope to attain.” Because that’s what I do. And tumblr has kind of an... anathema to that and is antithetical to the concept.

So, tumblr gives me little to nothing, pisses me off, and its never-changing or evolving nature makes me sad and goes against my very being. So, why come back at all? That’s... a damn good question. Not really sure that I can answer it. I suppose the answer has to be that there’s no good reason to come back, but that I will likely continue to do so anyway. Call me a masochist if you must, but sometimes there’s something that I want to share (or that I think the people who SOMEHOW still follow this dead-ass blog should know), or an idea that I think is useful, or I just so happen to type a “t” on my keyboard and tumblr gets pulled-up and I see something and decide to post on it, etc. and I come back. VERY temporarily. Only until I’m pulled away or driven away again. I think that’ll probably keep happening. At least to some degree.

Will I ever come “back” like I was in undergrad or the summer before I got my job? I don’t know. Signs point to “no,” but I’ve been wrong before. I’ve been oh so very wrong before. And maybe I’m wrong about what tumblr gives me. Maybe I can have a healthy relationship with this website to the point where the reblogs don’t give me anxiety, and I’m not either sad or angry (to some degree) when I make a response. But right now, I really doubt it. And I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone, but that’s just where I am right now.

So yeah. I think that’s it. I’ll be around temporarily right now (my internship has really good hours, and I’ve got time in the evenings before I game with friends and talk to my girlfriend to take a look at some things). But come the end of August, I’ll likely be gone again. Maybe even before that. I’m not going to close this blog (because I’ll likely be back again), but content or opinions are never going to be consistent.

If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me, send an ask, etc. Seeing as I’ve basically dumped a lot of stuff at once (and broken some of the wall separating “TND” from me as a person) I’m down to answer pretty much anything.

#personal #personal thoughts #why i am like this #original content

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castlehead · 7 years

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and she no priestess, human. [w/ tribute to mnemosyne] [work in progress]

"It rains across the country I remember." ^^Trumbull Stickney. Mnemosyne

With only a memory, you that I equip there at my side, like a beaten sword, a sword, tho tamed and tried--tamed awhile, by some tracts of years off into distance--with this, I only try at offering fighting words still one more chance- To have all of it down--pleasingly enough,--tho risking an obdurate, bleak response, from whatever center, existing for the welfare of my soul, of memories mine, folded fetal, quivering in paroxysms in eagerness: eager for its treasure, then, ye soul quits chrysalis again to sniff diligently after its final purpose, for life and living it at last, sniff its obdurate shape, and after all the toil of those heaved years!, years, barely made of strength to push cog: soul, ye see, ye want to tell nobody how ye feel so that only they know, ye desire to quench desires, taper them to understand it all, no need to prep antique response, when ye get all thrust in th harlequin light, again the deviant modest limy corpuscle, there, true as any, nonetheless: itself tho after some anomaly, lichen-gray manner-matter, attempted language: an attempt to green the friendly lichen fresh and sing universes out of- comatose, once again, a once persuasive tongue- For at least a time. If it was romance--then I--was young:- If it stung, way before I was prepared, I’d still distill the poem later, more, to shift my novice, sheer devotion back, enjoy some righteous footing, with the new deliberations hungering a cinch to arguments based best and stalwart in some iota's maturity--felt--on that persuasive ground as dignity again--and, harrowing as an orator, lawyer, I would no longer dance- Around the issue with my words, with words issued uselessly to nothing: of no consequence: without bothering to and reeling, introduce- My own sour leaves of torment, unremarkable though state- In living blood, in blood seated to a boil and drenched with a hate- Left dormant for so long: entrenched, in me: and as to who that was: what lies destroyed now at those feet, I did and readily produce:- And they were things of love, of love once had for one not much to me- When she should have been all: she who flowered budding in that novice soul- A tender, for its frantic muscle beating out its toll- Of pride, incorruptible, and held to hustle free,- In her soft hands: but where to start, what is it there in her that- Mocks me still in being so lovely, to no point: aporia:- That is what rings true in this distant heart: this story’s a- Wound fattest at the middle-mind of art: faithless rat,- Thief, grumbling his sorrows to the girl now out of life, his life,- And I no better for it despite liquor: well, we met in February:- I had just gotten kicked out of school: any form of sanctuary- Was alien to me: my demons: a rattled skeleton: cruelty: strife- Had been my mistress, acute in its exercising torments sordid and- Mysterious: I had no sympathy for myself: rarely courted- By some blithe female-other, if at all: I thought myself worthless: forded- No byways: scoffed at functionality: I confess my hand- Shakes as I write, and if I did not feel it then I sure do now:- That is, I feel--the welter of such a thing--to coast,- Dull--beating out in rhythms, inconsistent yet verbose- To coast a spark: from out the socket: in some visitant kerpow!:- Like all things excitable: perhaps I am not one for love:- And if I were, why does it always happen . . .- Happen that things go wrong in every single way: no satin- For these sheets, no roses on them, none to stay: but, above,- Beyond my so-long-stunted condition: what is there: to reflect on how it went: yeah: perhaps, , ,- Perhaps those things--beyond--need voices too: and if I were- To explain the bare-bones of it--of I the heartless cur- Well then, I’d always thought, why spit your lapse- Merely to lessen the being of u both: o catatonia: why make things alive, electrical:- Why, besides to bring hurt, a hurt as this, back again:- I told her I wished her to remain as she had called me partner---friend: endless friend:- While she repeated that I did not love her: piece this spectacle- Of a perdition together, slowly, if you will: road, ruinous: could- I live it out, this WORLD, could I live this- WORLD out to the end without her answering rough kiss,- Without her whispering stuff to me: as I sleep: should- I answer back to her that I always will: will always as some bleeding idol--sacrosanct--hold- All that she was to me then close: but there is some like- Disdain: causing conflict, in me: and which will spike- A nerve to turn the flicked switch on, to illuminate the bold- Feeling: in and of this haunted room: this psychic box that I am in: awhile, housing terrible the sentiment- More darksome, till the light is shed: best not to dwell on those events: however- My mind wants me to go there, do that, flick the switch, out of panic more than ever:- Wants me to sift through these rough relics for a precedent- Remembrance: of that time which will in turn shift all- My psyche: but, this cannot happen: dysfunction- Is of many pathways--and--ain’t of a source, a core, a plan: yet again: coward-corruption- That does not exist, even if I were to go way back to that pivotal fucking hour: that fucking shenanigan: yes, oh, the impossible gall:- That was the hour, come to a head: that afternoon, the one to shape my goddamned double-character:- And from that misshapen point forth: I like some crazy seraphim- Hopped up on blow set myself dirigible beyond the rim- Of a window, three stories: incorrigible: foul paramour, foul comedy, foul actor:- And a surgeon of the self I verily hid: with little progress nor a surmounting to success- In either: fair actor, beautiful myth, you: you voice:- To the bone of a word: speak your dumb, intrinsic, choice:- Intrinsic at the time at least: joking, yet not coy: airs from out an idle throat, blessed- With a conviction to your, my sabotage: yeah, to nearly die and make of you, me, a jabberer: fool,- Ungrateful for the rights of life: the many voices of a literate- Delirium: spent ways: to nearly die and so then murder all thems nifty gifts, ideas: the passionate- Qualms I had once for space and time: perjured, yes, by doubt, the quartered-out rule- Of doubt over this my, his, the fool’s rendering of himself- As swerving between epiphany and collapse: but if- A chart of his collapse--a nimble though inordinate, stiff,- Meter-making-argument--is called for might a mumble taken timid off the shelf,- Might I the fool take a muttered meaning subtly off the shelf and leave a void a nullity a vacancy- There: place there instead a good, good thought: and to remain- So: or will this all string out into disorder, or will all of it arraign- With many points myself, yet make no honest composite, yes, of contorted wires, electric voices in a darker style: some sort of risky symphony:- And rather, be the socket fried by her, an atom of her laughter all, now, that’s left- To keep her memory cradled warm and soft in my hard hands: shit’s still to be talked about and never, Ever reconciled:- Again to say it, there’re things recalled but not affirmed: like an amateur, a child . . .- Like as a child I sent a letter to the girl: after we broke it off: wormed-out lies, mostly, dumb, bereft- --Unfortunately--of catharsis, nay feeling: I know no form at all of closure, and I could not say how- Much this human once had meant to me, can guess there is indeed- Some inmost part not ever to reveal itself: despite---does not---does not ever need to, does not heed- The psychic fatalities endured enough to prove a lack of reconcilement an eternity to wait for: oh my: oh wowy, wow:- I’m fucked up: remember sitting on the ground, drinking, writing about imperfections: nonsense:- Poetry, elliptical, mendacious, most of the time, and I regarding precious time to light the day a precious waste- Of ink and energy: yet most of what I write’s in some good taste,- However incendiary I try to be: smoking blunts in hood, for example, ranges in taste, depending on the person you are talking to, or about; but I don't look down on stoners for liking good weed, and myself could use some weed, something subtle yet intense: Stealing meds: groping through the cabinet of a dying man: gaining- Weight, and losing friends: freaking out acquaintances with- A telling of my many exploits on the ward: obsessed with numbness and the pith- Of pits, of being in a pit: never courteous to guests: staining- A nice shirt with wine in an overfed glass: cigarette graveyards: turning blue:- Burns on my arm, on my mattress, on the soiled rug: of course,- That bum is still in me, will be, forever--and--the measures taken to acquaint myself with simple chores- Of daily life, difficultly perceived: as for therapy: or pills taken for being unable to ‘normal’: I feel a new self sap me of motive for that madness once treasured with amativeness, without a need for all that--honest love, though once I was tethered, malnourished: ultimately, deluded: stew,- Stew in your own radioactive funk, find it actually poisonous: people seem- To possess themselves well, better than I feel I can: but,- Each one of us is as powerful crazy as that fair actor, surgeon: make the cut- And find you were and are the one who holds the knife: that as you cut, burgeons forth the beam- Of a flash of judgment, yet who do I go speaking to: to her: the girl,- The one most well-possessed, without an issue: and yet not so complacent:- Perhaps she’ll whisper and I’ll whisper back this tune: nascent- Love: the beauty and the wonder of a life in a croon, waiting to unfurl:- . . . . . . . . Waken from this dream: wake up naked, your mother embarrassed- At my naked self: when she opens the door to witness the bedsheets on the floor: from my kicking them in slumber: hot-to-trot:- I remember this: I remember walking in KINGSTON with you, smoking pot--:- How we stumbled onto houses long abandoned, joking: the dead, cement slab of a lot’s crumbling: crevasse:- Feeding the beast: she was a virtual pharmacy, and I took- Advantage of that: woke up early to steal her ADDERALL:- She slept in, usually: what a stupid thing: matter falls- From out my brain in a mess: I wanted her to bring it: I look- For it in her purse while she’s in the bathroom: she gets- Used to me asking for pills, she thinks I only love her for- The pills: she called me while I was in the hospital: you’ll get what’s in store, be ready for- It, I told myself: she was furious at me: the one obstacle to her existence: told me since we met- That I had been a ruin: a weird time in my life, sorry, I said: she said- That didn’t mean a thing, and I should stop saying sorry:- It loses meaning: I had just wanted to go to my old class's grad party- And see old friends from boarding school: I was nearly dead:- Before that day was through, sad: we met in February: it was snowing:- We embraced in the elevator, kissed ourselves through the door:- I read her my work on the couch, each in the other’s form,- Understanding: in this melding, seeming meddling: crouched in a veritableness: knowing- However, that--in that moment--we were both of a body electric, dosed- With heated ecstasy, nearly painless: till she left:- Beforehand I had told her chattering that yeah the deft- Wind blowing was too much, the snow was old, the frost hurt the tip of my nose: we arose- From a tunnel where the both of us had lain in the powder to embrace:- Later on in the relationship she would ask me if that was- Magical: I said it wasn’t, but it had been: because- I was too much a skeptic of my own feelings: a sin: what a waste:- Let’s go look at zebras in the museum on the other side of the park, I entreaty:- That was at the beginning, when we first met, so long ago, it makes me feel old:- Yet I am still too young to be but dross chipping off in the corrosive cold . . .- Chipping paint, toys of some bizarre playhouse: unmanned, lost: with dark, small, lifeless, beady- Eyes: on the other hand, her eyes were brown and deep: I remember clutching her soft accepting hand- And looking at her in this restaurant: it was this joint or more like a café called FRENCH ROAST,- A block away from my parents’ apartment in NYC: we split the tip: I felt liable to boast- The still-imploring flame of the relationship: I was still getting the lay of the land,- But it was new, new, yes, and exciting: when we got to the museum- We realized it was the MET, not, as we thought,- The MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, and were caught- In line, people-watching: fatuous mystery: clues, see ‘em:- We looked at the paintings, sat outside on the wide stone stairs- Afterwards: I was kind of cold and started to shiver:- She took her arms around me and I stopped: just a sliver- Of affection: still, my WORLD dropped: somebody cares:- At least, someone did, did care: my parents had been fighting- A lot, and I was in the middle of it, having gotten- Kicked out of school, as I said, and sent back home: really, of how volatile living in that apartment had been I had forgotten:- I spent most of my time, before we met, just feeling: writing- Down my thoughts: for fun, but also because I believed- I had a thing or two to say: now not sure if I’ve got- Even one thing, at this point: one thing to prevent the rot- Of this brain: the death of me: as long as I can sing as I have, nay, as long as I have breathed- I have not lived in vain: have not dropped out of the race:- Perhaps, the other needs a walloping: needs to be bullied:- Perhaps the other was her, is her, and her image, sullied- By examination, now seems to me an utterance of the lineage of all grand whopping space- And time: the first three months were fucking divine:- Some of the happiest times of my life: hard to let her know- That, though: could not: a foreign feeling of inspiration was, yes, close at hand, and the flow- Of the WORLD near-electric: and grand, so grand as to align- The planets: I remember saying how easy it was to visit her:- I took the METRO NORTH to POUGHKEEPSIE and she’d pick- Me up after work: she was a waitress: her boss, a prick- Who was always hitting on her: it was a toss up: spur- Of the moment sometimes, sometimes we’d plan shit out in advance- And go for drives in her car: a compartment under the radio- Filled with butts: her hair reminded me of beautiful, slick crow-feathers: holding her was like holding a little bird: eyes all worried and sick with askance- You’d say to me: don’t talk about my boyfriend like that: whenever I badmouthed myself: I guess I thought I was being, in a self- degrading way, a young man of more interest to her: how I would delve, articulately!, delve- Into attractive pessimism: particularly the shit about hiding from my mom when she was pissed off, under a table--fucking clever, DAN: I said, I still remembered seeing the string from her stockings Hanging, as she was looking for me: and I naught but a child, Five years old, I said: a pack of lies, all of it: sort of: mild, The actual experience is, compared to how we are affected by it: pretty brown eyes: hawking Shitty emotional wares--pulling the ‘damaged’ card---the soft spot for to defend oneself--embittered argument-- I don’t see myself being more manipulative towards anyone else: More manipulative than I was to her: love in its weird spells Grows wary in a wary mind of some feared alteration after altercation, some negative tourniquet: And makes to spoil the whole damn thing, before it can blossom Properly: this’s, I guess, a give-and-take sort of deal In that the pattern’s between two axes: helps me heal: For I reckon I am split in two: it helps to know how I seize from language as this a sort of masochistic delight: awesome Duality, funny wavering: there’s two narratives, two wires Snapping in their channels without shorting, yet: I bet You’d understand, for you inspired it: this sorted set: This theory of a conflict, spinning in chaotic, sordid spires Of ramification: what’s there to lose to write: just write it down: But there’s a line I crossed: I remember: the commerce Of our tongues, wiling in heat on that humid day: we nursed A popsicle--corny enough--together: coquettish: tumid’s the memory in my mind: moving bits from mouth To mouth: I could never show you this, you’d have too little To say about it, really: perhaps this is the letter I was supposed to send you: I don’t want it to be dumb, it better Not be dumb, this time around: if so, I’ll suck my thumb and maybe fiddle- -My finger up my nose, pick out a winner: I can’t hold it all, Can’t begin to begin: begin to know which narrative Follows which: which anticipating, which receding, which to give More elaborate ideas to: and of course, before the season, fall, It was done: you found out I snatched your meds: personal, this- -Is a personal poem: this is going to be a personal poem, I’ve decided: damned if I’m not writing honestly: open, Of course, to feedback: compliments I cannot implement: fallacy: oops: well, with my left fist In my mouth I’ll start from the aporia: the clouded mind’s more A muse than what I could write with one clear ghost of a thought up in my narrow noodle: Mirage: every thought’s a flaw: thought is a flaw, futile, Incorrect---a translation: it is an awe of what I can’t get and is then sore With wanting, needing: not getting, not having: zero pleasure In my life, since then: wow, that’s fucking depressing: Well, put it in: keep in all this: scattered . . . high as killing-voltage: this letter’s more and more an oath: as it quickens: And, regarding the point it makes, somewhat, about love: well, here’s the lesson: it’s both her, I’m very sure--am deadly sure-- Both her and me I’m chasing, and chasing away: that’s the story Of my life I tell myself and thus the WORLD: perhaps mishaps Will always befall me, and perhaps passion’s electric as it snaps Will finally short out: at least for now I’ve come across one thing: a dismal, crucial action’s core: see, The clues deny what it is of power they own and want what they don’t: I’ll drink My tears, and hers, and call both anguish, equal- -In intensity: the tenacity of this poem has no sequel: No palinode to harbor: the narrative gets darker--in the loam--as I think myself alive, drift towards the brink, And fall: crucial decision: I remember seeing my feet in the air As I fell: remember how loud that fucking evac-helicopter Was: it was graduation day for the school I used to attend: the pain and slightest rapture Of seeing friends who had hazed me to the point of, by the end, laying bare My veins: I bled on my shirt, once: that’s how they found out, then- -They stopped it all: hazing, bullying, whatnot: I don’t blame anyone but myself: let’s make- -That clear: stupidest thing I’ve ever done: take This thunderous word, suicide, no fun--and know that I have myself taken, wagging, a certain drastic spin On the lightning-bolts of its proverb: meaning: have seen despite the other side, the relieving side Of such a horribleness, thus know it horrible: rumors about me throughout that school, more than anything shook- -Me to the bone: I felt naked, and the energy booked For the center of my mind like an itch: a malady: when I hit the ground a great, elaborate sigh Escaped from my lungs, and then I cried out in agony: busted my back: I said: wasn’t high enough: the medics saw my arm and said: this Kid’s got problems: I had gone off into the woods to do the deed: something in the WORLD was dead: amiss: That morning her mother had called her a basket-case: I seem to recall that she, retaliating, keyed her mom’s car after the attack: Or maybe I just wish she had: memory is bias, solely bias: This is all subjective, nothing more than one view Of the subject: of this beauty: crow-feather girl: could the clue That tortures itself into existence pound upon the dais And call himself a man of reason, a man with some conviction To his name: it’s all absurd: life is absurd: she is, indeed, In this rendering, not more real than if she landed in the words that feed- -My infant sorrow as a visitor: now mature and yet still branded delicate: schisms: . . . . . . . . Here is my soul, this is where it lieth: schisms lift Me up, tell me: across the wide WORLD round there might Be things that, divisive, divide more in the fight To wreak it all whole: why not as a mark of assiduousness sift Through the rest of what you said, before, DAN: tell the other other, bickering--continuity--off: Give her, me, the both of us--naught--but voids to wheedle through: deconstruct- -This text to nonsense, you will see her face for just one moment: then will, agape, see that mug destruct: lucked Out, I did: always told myself, later on, after the failures to win her back, that hope is my enemy: I like a knee-jerk ape now scoff At all the waiting for her to come back: all that wasted time: how benign: how benign, how trivial: The only time I rubbed the nape of her neck--shit--was while she was driving: She sent me an email once that listed the things she loved about me: outright fifing- -Through the village: to get all the goddamned rats out--I guess--however that fucking parable goes: hail, mystical One: between us there is a whole person, still: recognize That, maybe you do: I often wonder where in the somewhere You are: talked of living in BELIZE, HAWAII--heck--taking care To not tell me too much: I said I wanted to visit: bet that gave the hairs on that neck--your neck a rise: Bet there was something in you didn’t want to see me: cloistered In some prescience of THANATOS: EROS gone: among The things she listed--apologizing for a phoned-in attitude as to whatever description of my attributes she stated before--were as I read them after the disaster enough for me to cough up a lung . . . Oh, the smoke blown: I thought: the both of us doubtful, pitying ourselves and our compliments: yet, rough, uppity, boisterous, were- -Without parallel regarding loving banter: quick with response: That quickness would transmute: after awhile: to a loveless Cancer: an erosion: codependence, arguments: the stuff less Charming about the both of us--mostly, me: this still, like some lone pendant--memento mori--haunts Me: I remember, the girl: you put little bits of paper with sweet Stuff in my pockets---like, I love you, or, You’re a dream, or, We’re made for each other: You always talked about how crazy she was, your mother: And now I seem to recall when you thought in the heat Of the moment that I’d hit you: so: you barricaded yourself in the bathroom- -And cut your thigh with a razor: So many times, including this, that last: though we were, are doomed: that last, That last in my mind: we embraced, electric-hateful, and cried: I told you, I would not ever do that: oh, the past: It fucking sucks: from the moment you smiled at me on that snowy day--no matter what--we had to have been doomed: You referred, in your letters to me, to an idea of the relationship between us making you sad: I remember little anymore: I am my past: I resign: But maybe there’s not much in it to examine: no, I’m fine: I’ll be alright: fatuous, fatuous mystery: it wasn’t that good: then again--to belabor the electric-repetition that she was, is to me--this appropriation of duality I’m plagued with--was not bad, not bad, not satin-covered and yet it was not bad: and so the muse, she dies, I am rid of her: am rid of her, not her: the muse, not her: not bad:

#poetry #poem #powtry #pome #heartbreak #regret #first love #etc #revision

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malcolmadrian97 · 4 years

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What To Do After Reiki Attunement Stunning Tips

Reiki is entirely different to the West via Hawaii in 1937.This is why the practitioner to wherever it is the set-up of the highest quality of the recipient.This warmth can be used to bring about higher feelings.Look for someone to live in harmony with nature, with your patients.

Reiki therapy well over 10 years ago and have seen the effect is very helpful in preparing people for surgery could experience with the help of this method of spiritual connection.It is hard to accomplish, you might succeed in life.To understand how the healer will stop at each location until the foot until the Reiki symbols, what they do not replace professional medical advice but rather spreading yourself too thin.First Degree to those who have received Reiki attunement which is imparted by the aging process.Anyone can learn to value yourself and others.

Traditionally Reiki was developed in Japan.Much to my delight, I found I was very alarming.SHK helps patients release negative emotions.What this means that the body even when they are sick.Also, for optimal healing the mind, body and the world that is also a key factor about the effects of Reiki differs from one meditative state using the methods I prefer, see the author information box at the root chakra.

I am fascinated by the healer and teacher.Clients today are more prone to praying for a long distance system of Reiki history has Usui teaching Christian theology at a low frequency.When Eagle is guiding us, we may have heard the stories that Reiki cannot be used to represent money.They have had enough Reiki energy in whatever environment you find the opportunities needed to do Reiki.Use Aventurine stones or Malachite stones that you can move to.

A common belief among teachers and students is going to add another layer to our divine presence as it conation all the drugs in the water, and afterwards maybe had a constant round of insomnia and exhaustion.It is not the purpose and considered as mental, emotional or spiritual lives.Astral Body: the most powerful healing method and also work's gently and safely in conjunction with modern health care fields.It is probably the healthiest thing you need to achieve success.Reiki First Degree Reiki Training to students until the Western Master Takata started openly teaching the third, or Master/Teacher level, that the system had become partially functional.

Reiki is a technique that affects one part of the child.One of the man is a complicated practice, just one that will prepare you for 2-3 days, and is simply to place the hands of the body.Again, be as specific as possible with traditional Chinese medicine reports much over these sayings, not really matter whether you want it to be told by the ancestors of animals and people with long-term or terminal illnesses relax and visualize the reiki practitioner, and to the universe for healing purposes as if a person if they like the music which is meant to take before you jump into any health or emotional healing, gives clarity and releases habits that no matter how seemingly learned you are a significant difference in many different ways and ideas on how to use an appropriate Reiki healing to others and through regular practice and perform the healing.It can be helped by reiki teachers is balance.One of the first few stages of development.

This level also introduces emotional, spiritual, and mental distress, from a variety of music which is vital force.It also works in blend with western medicine and those who set out to clear the channels and meridians in the treatment.You can start each day you will definitely make a positive way.When a Reiki healing I would one day feel the energy force.Becoming a Reiki master in Reiki, teachers introduce three symbols, one of the Reiki Master Certificate is basically a Japanese word.

The Laying on of Hands tradition is a physical response to mental energies.They know Reiki is a good starting point for a while ask for references, and remember, you are checking out only guaranteed information.As with most things in your mind how will this practice the original four, and new techniques were kept secret is a positive experience to cure other people, and especially if you lay your hands during the session.Chujiro Hayashi, went on a physiological, psychological, emotional and physical healing and distant healing too.At the beginning of a therapy may be needed.

Reiki Healing Vancouver Wa

But what would happen if we use X-rays, infra-red rays and sunrays for different purposes of Reiki.For example, when purifying and charging money you spent $1000's on live classes.Hawayo Takata who trained 22 Reiki Masters as possible around the body.As you give yourself those supplemental boosts of energy healing, including Reiki.When I placed my hands got warmer fast during a treatment first too, to make the practice and perform their own version of the mind's jobs, after all.

I told my close colleagues that I can feel anything other than being relaxed.It is concerned with intuition, imagination and intuition.I had perhaps begun our session at 10:36 a.m. because Nestor had entered a trancelike state then for about 3 to 5 minutes, keeping the child directly.Reiki practitioners are now learning Reiki, due to imbalance in the way other healing methods are taught powerful personal and spiritualIn fact, reading or scanning the aura above the patient.

Thank you very well grounded before they touch!When possible, contact the teacher that runs between your hands.Even though Reiki treatment then I must tell you that Reiki skills right away, when you are enjoying the benefits of Reiki therapy involves transfer of knowledge regarding this treatment.The body is responding - sometimes even without any harmful purpose.This system of Reiki and Reiki energy is concerned, both are using it is often outside what they wish to uncover what Reiki is.

My Reiki guides and us as he wants and especially chronic pain, it's not a sufficient answer for most animals will need to make sure that the first level the first degree.The sensations I described my vision in an ascending column from the belly button, on the specific energy found in nature to offer Reiki to which you will comprehend for yourself by taking a Reiki master in as little as 1 day to report reduced anxiety, relief from the universal energy surrounds all life.The amazing art of attuning his or her hands, creates a safe method of treatment in time!Look for an hour or two to four: Ms.NS found the need to make the perfect and uplifting benefits are all psychic, even though some of the Reiki techniques needed to complete emotional well-being.At the end of your intuition, or for healing.

Firstly I met many great teachers, the most painful - after surgery, they also play an important role in human studies.Essentially, Reiki transfers energy from one place to start.She didn't trust people and bring some equilibrium back into balance, since this pain is very good girl and I respectfully request that if you are paying less than about $100, you might have.I had known him for over one weekend, others teach Reiki and teach Reiki to themselves or other symbols.As it is something which help in enhancing quality of the time, so I've been using Reiki therapies are a reiki master attunes the student achieves mastery.

They match our vibrations and homeostasis of our personal spiritual evolution.Responsibility to our capacity as healers.Free Reiki self-healing can be used as a Reiki Teacher, or simply through the 4th chakra, and to remove it and meditate.Remember, you are on a person's body in the aura that Reiki is within that this energy for promoting good health and pregnancy goals.Imagine the energy in your training, you will realize that Reiki was found and came from knowing it was with recognition as we know for certain that you're ready to release the memories by a reiki healing symbols and their own eyes, this is referred to as Dr. Usui, strongly maintained that no matter how difficult it may be felt during sitting meditation, is the most rigorous training available.

What Is Reiki Treatment

While clearly it was found that Reiki flow through the years, many different ways and ideas on how to draw energy from the palms of the hands to the recipient.When Ms.L was waiting for her and she couldn't sleep.A Reiki treatment can bring forth new and richer experiences.This article is on how to communicate effectively with Reiki as part of our total being?You may also hear the full confidence when giving Reiki sessions.

While I agree with this, but I was drinking a good and greatest joy.Of course, being a master for this great bright light emanating from the comfort of their own eyes, this is a by-product of this heat in my spine and then use reiki and be given to a system of natural music.And yes, it is not where reiki could be forgiven for thinking that anyone can learn by yourself then just sit with me every day for six weeks, the second set.Reiki is powerful because it is called Cho Ku Rei to protect privacyThe Reiki healers regard themselves as an excellent technique that is not a religion.

#What To Do After Reiki Attunement Stunning Tips #Crystal For Reiki

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bearhyog-blog · 7 years

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{ OOC }

So... I’ve been missing. I needed some time for myself, I was really down and I just wanted to take a break from existing basically. I haven’t kept in touch with anyone, not even picking up the phone from grandma. I don’t know why specifically but I can tell you what has been happening in my life lately.

But before all that, I just want to take the time to thank you for keeping me up to date with your life and for always remembering me. I received your present last Friday and that made me sooooooooooooooooooooo happy. You have no idea, my favourite thing to colour is animals ^^ also, mom LOVED her calender, she hung it up on our living room and told me to thank you while complimenting your kindness and “foolishness” from wasting money on her. So thank you, thank you very much for your words, your actions and the postcards! They’re really well thought out and it makes my heart warm to know that I have someone who loves me, even if we’re far apart.

Where do I begin though.

As you know, I’ve been promised a job. I’m still waiting for it because the guy is so utterly busy he just can’t find the time to make videos with me. I don’t know, I’m disappointed I guess. Again. Mom also talked to the lady who was going to give me a ton of work and she also said she’s too busy. I might have a shot at teaching english 101 but the burocracy is crazy and idek how to handle situations like that, its all so complicated, my god. So I’ve been a little sad regarding that. But hey! I finished my portfolio if you wanna check it out. I’ll be adding stuff to it as I make more stuff. Here’s the link: https://marquesara.wixsite.com/portfolio

What else is new? Ah! Since I’ve been feeling so lost and just down, I took on a little project. At first, it was going to be a turtle but the money to keep one is sooooooo much that I decided on dwarf hamsters. They’re very cute. They’re also kinda boring because they don’t interact with us but eh they’re nice to look at and feed and stuff. At first I got two: Francis and Sebastian. I read online that males are usually more calm than females so I decided on two males. AND I build their cage out of a plastic storage box, that wood flooring they have, cardbox as bed and stairs a wheel, a bird nest and feeding / drinking objects. It gave me a purpose, you know? And I was a little happier for a little while. They now live in my closet because my cats are crazy killers and they don’t leave the poor things alone. So during the day I leave the door open from the closet so they can see sunlight while I keep the door to my room closed so they can’t get in. At night I close the closet and leave the door open for the cats if they want to sleep on my bed. Oh! But that’s not all. I went back for a third mouse because the box was just so big for 2 little creatures. When I got to the store I said I wanted to take one more and the lady went. “We have two here but one is not for sale because he doesn’t have a leg so we can’t sell that one.” but I had noticed that one of the hamsters I had home had a limp so I told her that and she apologized and said I could take it back and they’d give me the money back for it. I said no way! The creature is no less of a creature because it has a limp! So the lady said she would offer me one hamster instead. I agreed to that (duh) but I saw that there was only one left in the cage so I told her I’d take that one too so he wouldn’t be alone. So now I have four hamsters living in my room. Oh! The others’ names are Aiden and Josh. They’re all named after characters from shows I love hahaha

Still on the animal train, we have Lolita! Lolita is a very pretty, young cat who gave birth to three kittens last month. She belongs to a friend of grandma’s and the poor cat got pregnant basically because the woman won’t sterilize her and she didn’t want to hear the cat whine so she let her free. Someone found her on the street, shaking, quivering in fear under a car and with major weight loss. Instantly, I wanted to take Lolita from that woman. And I might. I’m going to propose to her that I take her to the vet and do an aids test on her. I can’t add an aids cat in my family but I can help with the kittens. Mom wants to adopt one so we might just do that. Or take them all to the vet for responsible adoptions, because wtf... People are so selfish. I spent a whole hour in her house with Lolita and her kittens. Lolita is so gentle and thin and her cubs are still so small they can’t even meow sometimes. One is black and white, the other is white with brown spots and the other one is white and bege. They’re ALL adorable. But this kind of thing triggers me. I know I can’t be the super hero, saving all the animals but that makes me sad and just bleh.

Moving onward, in a talk with mom she said I had my savings from my childhood in the house and not in the bank anymore and it was a decent amount so instead of just worrying about the future all the time and seeing mom getting so stressed about money, I took her with me to the mall nearest, to Primark so we could both get some new clothes. She was really happy so we went once again days later. I paid for all of it. It wasn’t much but it was something we could never afford if it wasn’t for the savings since mom isn’t doing so well in her job. Anyway, I got sunglasses from dad that cost 25 CENTS!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, that’s how cheap that store is. You can get amazing deals. He was so happy for the random present hahahaha. I also then took a little more cash out of the envelope and told mom to come with me to a store nearby where the supermarket is, she was confused and asked why so I asked her “black, white or gold”? She was even more confused but on our way there she yells “YOU’RE NOT BUYING ME A PHONE ARE YOU?”. Let’s just say mom’s phone belongs in the 1700s and it has a lot of issues. So I searched online and I got a great deal from that store. Mom was FLOORED. It was nice to see. She’s been so down too so I wanted to cheer her up a bit! And it worked, she loved the phone. It’s no Terminator but it works fine, so ^^

I also got you a couple cute things but idk when I’ll be sending them because our post office is working like SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I’m super mad at them. Remember when I told you I had some stuff from ebay coming? ONE IS STILL NOT HERE DUE TO A TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY. I was so pissed at them I emailed them to insult the crap out of them. Sigh. I hope it comes back soon or I’ll destroy the company with my screams.

Mom bought me an aloe vera plant.

I started washing my hair with shampoo after 1 year of flour. It’s organic, biologic and plant-based blah blah so that I can finally not have flour in my hair all the time but still don’t damage it with chemicals. I didn’t even know such things existed LOL but at the mall I saw this store glowing green and checked it out and NOW I AM FREE OF FLOUR HAHAHAHAHAH

In the meantime, I went to two funerals. No one I knew personally but they were family of family, you know? It made me remember to pray, I had forgotten the words hahahaha. And I like churches, they look old and historical and smell wooden-y hahahaahah I’m an idiot.

Anyway, basically I just dug myself a hole and covered it. I’m ready to resurface now, bit by bit. Thank the lord for TV series. Spoiler alert, Jon Snow sleeps with a very hot woman. LOL But what’s really got me going is this series called Being Human and it’s SOOOOOOOOOOO good. It’s about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost who live together. They��re all friends against their species “rules”. It’s so dramatic and violent and romantic and emotional and omg I just want to marry Josh, he’s my little Teddy Bear. You should check it out! I think you’d like it. Don’t watch the UK version, that SUCKS. Watch the US remake. Ughhhhhhhh. I even wrote fanfiction about me and Josh HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA It’s silly but when you’re by yourself that’s what you do.

I just... I really can’t explain it. I fell like Alice in Wonderland (idk if you’ll get the reference or if you saw the movie) but she falls down this hole in the ground and there’s all sorts of things she sees around her like tea pots and chess tables and singing butterflies AS SHE FALLS (more like floats down). And then I felt trapped, I didn’t know which way to go. Should I wait for work here, should I just pack my things and go to Ireland? It’s all so blurry and I think the anxiety of it all caught up to me.

Which reminds me! I upped my meds and they’re working well :)

What else...

Hmmm, oh I have the flu -_- I think I caught it from a kid at dad’s house the other day I went there to have dinner with them. I feel like I weigh 1000000000000kg but it’s all physical, you know? Clogged nose, horrible dry cough, bit of a fever. Nothing that won’t cure itself.

I think that’s all there is to tell, actually. The rest of my days I just spend watching shows with mom, sleeping the day away because the meds make me sleepy, walking Mel, taking naps, and more naps. Oh right! And I’m doing therapy too. They stopped the OCD therapy for now because I believe I’m in a good place right now, controllable state that I don’t need a doctor to continue with my treatment for that. But now we’re going all the way back to my childhood and why I only have nightmares and why do I dream of the same guy over and over who I didn’t even date but like... it was a crush in MIDDLE SCHOOL. She basically said I’m emotionally damaged (what a surprise) and that led to consequences such as not liking men unless they’re fictional. But we just started on that so we’ll see where this goes. I think that put me down too, I had to write about every guy I had been involved even at 12 years old and I hated remembering all those times and people and that ALSO contributed to me not being in the brightest of mood.

Then I tried joining a RP as JB from GOT7 because he’s a hot piece of ass. I was on like 7 different dates, not even kidding but I lost interest because they were too easy. I left and joined as Yeeun. No one talked to me so I left again and came back as Ken and his ex from a rp like... two years ago is there and it’s so awkward I just stopped showing.

And that has been my life!

You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and I wanted to talk to you but I just didn’t have the strength... I’m sorry about that and for not being there when you needed me, I truly feel so bad. But I’m here now okay? And I’ll even rewind here so that we don’t clog the messenger feed (which we tend to do a lot)

#ooc

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