#all in all a pretty standard Being Affected By Changes In Medication And Stress dream

[ganymedesclock]

do you think that Sari is somewhat Megatron's daughter? like her protoform was very different than the usual design and it all of a sudden appeared in Sumdac's lab right near Megatron's head, bit weird to be a coincidence. It would also be pretty neat of setting up an angle between the two of how Megatron was planning an heir or something like that but circumstance landed Sari in the care of autobots. maybe even show how Megatron may even "care in some way for his progeny if he found out.

To break your claim down into a couple of parts here, you’re suggesting:

1. Sari is biologically related to Megatron, and 2. this may awaken some parental sentiment in Megatron on her behalf.

Which I will say, I am deeply skeptical of both those claims.

Regarding the first: While Transformers Animated can be a bit inconsistent with what is and isn’t a cybertronian thing (see Bulkhead being confused what a girl is in Transform And Roll Out part 2 vs. Blackarachnia casually calling herself a female bot in Along Came A Spider) one thing that has not been challenged is the implications of Optimus asking about where baby humans come from in Home Is Where The Spark Is.

The fact that Optimus is first confused about babies and second, mortified at the implications of copulation would pretty clearly imply to us cybertronians are actively separate from their own process of biological reproduction. The implication here is that cybertronians are much like, say, bees or other hive/colony insects, where the majority of, if not all sapient cybertronians, are sexless- they do not reproduce and do not have organs for reproduction.

If anything, this is doubled down upon, once in Garbage In, Garbage Out when Ratchet, a medic, is very obviously wrongfooted in dealing with the pregnant woman- this is not a situation that cybertronians have any easy equivalent for.

Whatever the reproducing “queen” of the cybertronian “hive” is, whether there’s a single one or many, and if it reproduces with any consorts is an unknown- but fair to assume that queen or queens are very few and far between. As I noted, in Transwarped, while Ratchet has been calling Sari a “protoform” dismissively for most of the series, he, nor Optimus, Bulkhead, or Bumblebee seem to know what a protoform looks like. Again, this is another implication that for cybertronians, childbirth and child-rearing are not the everyday person’s job. And in Autoboot Camp, Bee excitedly talks to Wasp about being made from the same mold.

That would tell us childbirth isn’t just not handled by the public- it’s centralized and standardized. That’s not something biological structures like ours, where pairs of people with compatible biology are responsible for the child-rearing- could pull off without a LOT of artificial parameters on it.

In short, this would tell us that cybertronians don’t have biological parents at all. The closest they would come is interactions that seem culturally parental- the very protective and gruff, mentoring attitude Ratchet takes to the rest of the Bridge Crew is something that many viewers would point to as fatherly behavior.

Because cybertronians biologically do not have parents, this affects how they view rare situations where there is an obvious biological donor. Starscream’s clones are all physically derived from him- but none of them view him as a father and he obviously doesn’t view them as his children.

As a result, even if Megatron somehow was a physiological donor to Sari... first, this would be an abnormal situation. Second, he wouldn’t even have the cultural framework to suggest he should feel particularly parental about it.

Regarding the second point: one has to consider that Megatron has very actively given life to several entities throughout the course of Transformers Animated, and taken a guiding / leading position to several other young, new beings. This is, again, given the “there really isn’t the concept of parenthood on Cybertron”, the closest we’re gonna see to cybertronian parent-child relationships without some Earth influence (Sari, for example, does actively view Isaac as her father, but this is because she was raised in human culture which has these connections).

Megatron’s relationship with Soundwave, the Dinobots- even the Constructicons- is actively abusive in nature.

While he talks up the idea that he agrees with Soundwave, and similarly voices encouragements to Grimlock, Megatron in practice treats them as disposable experiments who he never even intended to be people, and once they do become people, he does not take responsibility for them.

With the Constructicons, Megatron lies to them, bribes them, orders them around, and, then, ultimately, indoctrinates them into the Decepticons with a process that involves physically branding them, causing them pain, and changing things about their bodies without their consent. He also doesn’t inform or warn them at all ahead of time.

We can broaden this out to look at pretty much every other onscreen relationship Megatron has, and it’s fair to say no matter how personally connected to someone he is, we have literally never seen Megatron actually engage with someone in a way that is not abusive and exploitative. If anything, the younger, more impressionable, or more personally connected to Megatron himself a particular individual is, the more Megatron’s inclined to try and manipulate them.

So Megatron is in effect kind of a father figure to a lot of his subordinates- specifically an abusive patriarch.

I think it’s also worth noting in Lost And Found, when the Allspark is trying to warn Sari off her path of sabotaging Omega’s body, what it conjures to scare her is a looming, nightmare silhouette of Megatron which Sari is noticeably completely terrified by. I say “noticeably” because Sari is rarely scared of opponents immediately- the closest she gets is being stressed out by the Constructicons in Sari, No One’s Home, but, even then, several times in that episode she stubbornly confronts them.

And, yet, the silhouette of Megatron has her cowering, running away, nearly throwing herself out into the ocean and needing to be rescued she’s so afraid.

If that’s an implication Sari has some faint, distant baby memories of Megatron... he’s a figure from her nightmares, not her dreams of warmth and safety. And Sari’s, again, someone pretty notably not scared of a lot of the giant robots in her setting before she has any idea she’s related to them- if she’s terrified of Megatron, there’s a reason for that, and not just because he’s big and has a gun on his arm.

Now, given Megatron’s very prone to experimentation and very prone to creating new beings- and also fascinated by the Allspark, which Sari is obviously connected to- I would say it is possible- but thus far, near-totally unforeshadowed- that Megatron had some hand in Sari’s creation. However, if that is the theory you’re going for... that as a theory would point more towards Megatron being abusive and exploitative towards Sari- or simply just writing her off as a tainted experiment and seeking to dispose of her.

[firstgen]

Field Entry #4

I had a serious conversation with some friends the other night. We touched on our lives and how much college affected us all. We all don’t go to the same school at all, but we still keep close contact. Someone was saying about changing their major because they hated bio, but they had to stick to it because it's what their parents wanted. At first, many of us recommended alternatives, but they don’t seem to fit the bill for her parents' standards. I asked if she was the first-gen, but she replied with no that her parents went to college but in their home country. Many of us were going into the medical field because it's what our families all wanted. Still, it didn't seem that many were even interested in the type of study.

It made me think further that I even asked my mom what if I decided to go into a different career path, like something in the art field, obviously that angered her a bit, driving me more into a depressive state and wondering about is really what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. She kept telling me that this was always my dream, and that wasn't true at all. I mentioned it because I knew she wanted to hear it from me, but it's not what I'm genuinely passionate about. I guess it's the same story with us all. 

The only person who broke that stereotype in our group was my friend Sye. She got to go after her passion, which was graphic design, and I feel like that's something many people would want to do, not something their parents ultimately pushed on them. During that portion of that call, we mentioned all the stress and anxiety we've been experiencing. My friend talked about how much her parents expected her to do so much more. She has in the past joined the call crying because she’s stressing about assignments or tests, to the point that she wouldn't answer our text because she fell into a depressive episode where she couldn't do anything at all. We were all worried about her but gave her time.

I guess being the first generation to go into college takes a massive toll on students because of their parent's expectations beating into their heads repeatedly. I also, being first-gen, it gets pretty depressing. You are constantly chasing something that you don’t even know why half of the time—trying to do something for yourself will help much more mentally and physically.

[visitationrpg]

THIRTY-FOUR • PSYCHIC • PROFESSOR  •  LEAD INVESTIGATOR

TEAM CONTRIBUTION

Lilian is a mystic, meaning she has the ability to see spirits of the deceased and other entities, and she can communicate with them. As well as being head of the Spectral Science department at Reed College, Lilian is lead investigator for all paranormal investigations on Visitation, meaning she coordinates all schedules, organizes every investigation and arranges all permits and traveling for cast and crew members. 

AT FIRST GLANCE

Rough around the edges, that’s what your mother always used to say when talking about you. Never to your face, only to her friends who so nosily asked about how you were doing — you know, after losing your sister. And they’d always say her name in a hushed tone, as if even acknowledging her properly would bring forth too much pain. They cared for her; they tolerated you. With your messy, unkempt hair and wild, annoying voice. You were loathed, resented as the sole heir for your sister had been the true princess, and you, the ugly duckling. And so you rose, higher than she ever could. You made a name for yourself, turned a terrifying gift into a catalyst for scientific exploration. Recognition, it’s all you’ve ever wanted, and along with it accolades and acclaim, but with great success comes great sacrifice. This you know, this you feel still every day. That sting of watching your wife walk out the door. Some say your life needs to implode in order to find out who you really are, in order to discover what really lies beneath. But you’ve worked for a decade trying to bury all that, left it behind six feet under with your sister. Truth is, deep down, you already know who you really are — what you really are. And it isn’t something you’re terribly interested in sharing. 

BIOGRAPHY

tw death; tw drugs; tw addiction

Born nothing more than a symbol, a talisman to which her parents could attribute all of their disappointment, Lilian entered the world as every little child shouldn’t: resented. She was a mistake, unplanned, a surprise her parents wished they could have returned if only the fruit they bore had come with a receipt. They’d already received their crowning glory, her older, much more perfect sister, Lucille. Fondly, they catered to her every need while Lilian cried out for attention, doing anything a toddler could do to garner affection — mostly in the form of tantrums. They called her fussy, belligerent, and obnoxious, but she only used the tools they’d given her, what she’d inherited from her loathsome parents: a knack for dramatics. If Lucy was getting too much recognition, well, Lili would just simply cry and all eyes would turn to her. If Lucy won an academic award, Lili could simply wail at the top of her lungs and every head would snap in her direction. What every friend or member of family regarded as outlandish behavior was simply a neglected girl desperate for what she lacked most. Love. 

Her obsession with approval only worsened with age, each move she made a desperate attempt to outshine Lucy, but no matter how hard she tried, her sister’s shadow was always there. Casting doubt and insecurities upon an impressionable, growing mind. Such an envy, it can fester like an open, gaping wound. And Lilian walked through life as if she adorned just that. A bullet hole right through her heart, as if a piece of her were missing, and if she could only find it, she could fix what was wrong with her. She could finally be enough. But what Lilian would soon learn was not that it was the absence of a puzzle piece but rather, the over abundance of them. In the blink of an eye, half of her family had perished by none other than a reckless drunk driver. He’d crashed his car head-on into that of oncoming traffic, hit her father’s car instantly killing himself, Lilian’s father, and her sister. In one fell swoop, a stranger had imploded her life and lifted eleven years of inadequacy from her shoulders. And if she were honest, hearing the news had been a relief.

After the loss of her husband and favorite — only, if she could have had her way — daughter, Lilian’s mother retreated. She withdrew from her socialite lifestyle, receded from her normal every day luncheons and weekly galas. She became a recluse, an invalid incapable of getting out of bed unless heavily medicated. So, Lilian spent her youth being mothered by the best parental care money can buy. She never bothered to learn their names because they never lasted very long, instead only ever calling them nanny in reference. But what had been the crashing and burning of one life was the complete antithesis for Lilian. For the first time in her life she felt like she could breathe for Lucy was not there to suck up all the air in the room. In school, she was no longer referred to as Lucy’s sister and instead known as Lili, just as over-achieving and far less gracious, but still — they knew her name. And for a while, it was enough to step out of the big, black shadow and shine on her own. To receive the acclaim and recognition Lili knew she deserved. But there had always been an inextinguishable fire in her belly, an incessant need for success, and not just that, but to be the very best. 

That weight that was so graciously lifted when Lucy died was soon replaced with Lilian’s very own brand of stress. By eleventh grade, she’d stretched herself so thin that sleep was a rarity, and most nights were spent downing coffee and rigorously typing atop her computer. An essay here, a term paper there, any extra credit she could get her hands on. But with so much to do came waves of anxiety,  and instead of seizing her newfound freedom she erected an entirely new cage to place herself in. One filled with stark red A’s inked across tests and kind words from teachers pinned to college applications. Her future was paramount and nothing — not a silly little homework assignment nor a mere hour serving the community — was going to stand in her way. So when she needed a little boost, when times were tough and there was no more left of her to stretch, she took a little something to help. A small, beige pill meant to calm a jumpy, hyper peer coupled with a sip of water made Lilian feel unstoppable. It pushed the world into focus and narrowed her attention onto the most minute of details. But too much of a good thing has its consequences, its downfalls, and certainly its rock bottoms. 

It didn’t take her long to stumble, or more accurately, lose her mind. Strung out and more stressed than ever, Lili began to see Lucy everywhere. In the halls she walked each day, in the corner of her bedroom. Her sister’s haunting voice was always low, in her own head more than anything else. Visible to only her, sent to throw her off her game, and more importantly, drive her mad. Anyone could see the toll it was taking on Lilian; her grades suffered and her perky demeanor and all hygiene standards dwindled. She lived no longer for the future but for the little pills stashed in her pocket that could silence her relentless sister. But after one too many, Lilian found herself in the throws of a nervous breakdown. Defeated, broken, and craving her self medication, she spent three months exiled away in rehab, the ruse of mono on lips of her every peer. Her mother paid a pretty penny for the hospital’s silence if for no other reason than to prevent the soiling of her late husband’s good name — not to protect her only remaining daughter for that would be a kindness she’d never grant her. 

She started her senior year having made an immaculate recovery, but in truth she just replaced one addiction for another. Once again, Lucy became the sole focus of her attention. Lili dove head first into the spectral sciences, but back then it was just the paranormal. Outlandish stories of apparitions and evil feelings, hokey pictures clearly faked and stories embellished for dramatic effect. But she knew what she saw, her sister standing before her clear as day, talking to her, looking at her. But it wasn’t until college that she’d learn the reason for her sister’s visit. She wasn’t insane, no — she was psychic. The news came as quite a shock, having never really given the paranormal a second thought before her introduction to the science of it all by way of a fellow psychic that would teach Lili everything she knows, and soon become her wife. 

Love, it took her by surprise, the dramatics of it all. The way a simple glance could make her heart skip a beat, the way a single touch could send her over the edge, the way her entire being became entwined with another person’s — another woman’s, one she could call her very own. For the first time Lili felt seen, appreciated, loved. And she wouldn’t have traded the feeling for anything in the world, but that’s what everyone says, isn’t it? The truth would soon come to light as Lili’s career advanced and Mikaela’s would fall stagnant. It wasn’t easy, she mused, for her wife to watch Lili soar when her own career felt like treading water, like falling fast and faster in quicksand. It didn’t take long for her to take Mikaela for granted, for Lili’s dedication to her wife slip through the cracks. Dinner together became a distant dream, vacation changed into a thing of the past, and their time together was reduced to the few minutes before bed in which they’d avoid even looking at one another. And yet when Lili came home to one half of her closet empty, she was still shocked. Hurt. Betrayed by the abandonment after she’d given up parts of herself. But relationships are a two-way street and Lilian had always been of the selfish sort. 

So, she threw herself into her career. Spent day and night earning her teaching degree, writing dissertations and assisting in the advancement of an entire branch of science. All of which was riding on her first-hand experiences, experiments, and exploration of the paranormal. She made great strides, wrote dozens of books, and was offered tenure by the time she was thirty — a feat by anyone other than her, of course. But in this new digital age, she feels at a loss of her bearings, like she doesn’t have a grasp on an ever-changing society, and there’s nothing that could put her more on edge than feeling left out, like she isn’t ahead of the curve. Thus Visitation was born, with the help of two eager students. And though it was a rough, rocky beginning, one in which she’d spread herself scarcely thin once again, the more additions to the team, the less stress she feels and instead the brighter the future looks. But there’s nothing Lilian won’t do to make sure this venture succeeds, to make sure her name is on what she expects to be greatness. 

CONNECTIONS

MARCO, late-night haunt — You find yourself curled up next to Marco on more than one occasion, with whiskey having been a huge factor in the repetition of the same mistake. And yet no matter how bad it is for your reputation — or your heart — you keep coming back for more. Another secret glance outside your office, another double shot in a seedy bar across town. But you’re drawn to Marco, this should-be collegue turned midnight tryst, no matter how hard you try to resist. 

AMNA, favorite student — You see so much potential in Amna, each time you look at that knowing smile and hand raised high. All the answers swirl around that very special head, and if you’re being honest, it reminds you of yourself. And perhaps that’s why you’ve taken such a special interest in your student, even going so far as to recruit Amna specifically. You can smell the greatness in the air and would do anything for one of your students to succeed. 

LILIAN IS PORTRAYED BY JAMIE CHUNG & IS TAKEN BY ADMIN SIDNEY

[operagheist-blog]

PHYSIOLOGICAL CATEGORIES HERE. part 2 of the huge meta, i split this up for everyone’s sanity.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CATEGORIES

LEARNING & MEMORY

learning is defined as the process in which changes in behavior arise as a result of experience interacting with the environment. memory is defined as the record of a person’s past experiences gained through learning. this is literally from my class powerpoint, it’s pretty straightforward. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO CLASSICAL CONDITIONING

what is classical conditioning? i’m sure you guys have heard of pavlov’s dog. classical conditioning involves teaching an organism that one stimulus serves as the predictor for a specific upcoming event. as far as i can recall, there was some sort of experiment by clark hull in terms of classical conditioning where he used his students as subjects & conditioned them to expect pain ( i think he slapped them ) if they were presented with the paired stimulus. i’m not sure if that’s a true story, though. something that IS real is the baby albert experiment, where the subject, a baby named albert, was conditioned to fear things that were white & fluffy. he was presented with a white rat & then the experimenters caused a loud noise that scared the shit out of him. honestly, that was a really awful experiment & it screwed albert up for the rest of his life.  ‘ knight, what the fuck does this even have to do with erik ’ ok so let’s look at his initial reaction to physical contact, ignore motn & ponr for a minute ok. if he’s not the one initiating the contact, don’t fucking touch him, because after the whole ‘ devil’s child ’ experience, he’s likely associating touch with pain, where he expects someone to hurt him if they reach out without him first showing that it’s ok ( see. angel of music ). christine did not fucking help this problem after the unmasking part one. erik also reacts by trying to get rid of something he perceives as a predictive stimulus to which he expects pain, see. the swordfight, immobilising raoul in the final lair scene, the torture chamber scene in the 04 movie etc. i’m also certain there are other external stimuli that cause the same reaction & the issue is that they’re fucking hardwired into his brain because he’s been hurt all his life. associations learned through classical conditioning CAN FADE OVER TIME if the stimulus is presented without the expected response. drug abuse can also be linked to classical conditioning, especially in the issue of relapses that can occur post-rehab. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO OPERANT CONDITIONING

what is operant conditioning & how does it differ from classical conditioning? operant conditioning involves an organism learning about the relationship between a stimulus, a response, & an outcome. unlike classical conditioning, the determining factor in whether or not the outcome occurs is based on whether or not the organism makes a response to a stimulus. the whole point of this section is that erik sure as heck learned what responses would lead to certain outcomes; this could explain the reclusiveness from other people ( if they don’t see him, they can’t hurt him ), the distant interactions if he’s interacting with anyone in poto canon that isn’t christine, mme giry, or the daroga ( if they don’t know him, they can’t use anything against him ), & the mask ( if they can’t see the deformities, they can’t shun him... as much as they could otherwise ). the third point is really more of a learned response to lessen the aversive outcomes, although it can’t necessarily prevent them. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO GENERALISATION OR DISCRIMINATION OF SENSORY STIMULI

ok, generalisation is basically the brain grouping similar stimuli together & assuming an equivalent outcome to one stimulus to the other, even if that’s not the case ( allergies are a really good example, i have an aunt who is allergic to walnuts, but not other types of nuts, another example of food generalisation happens in children, a child who doesn’t like broccoli may assume they won’t like cauliflower either, due to its similar appearance. in the olden days, people avoided i think some sort of berries or whatnot that are widely eaten today because they looked like the poisonous belladonna ). discrimination is the ability to perceive differences between stimuli ( a kid who hates broccoli recognises that cauliflower is different & understands that it might not be so bad ). tldr, important things erik generalises: a sudden approach from another person means i’m going to be hurt, because attempts at contact mean i’ll be hurt. people who are highly intelligent & knowledgeable in many subjects are less likely to discriminate against me, because people who understand medicine deal with similar things, people with medical knowledge must also be well educated in other areas. important things that erik can discriminate against: types of music, that’s pretty obvious — give him music by a known composer & he’ll sure as heck be able to identify it from another similar work by someone else. not all leading sopranos go downhill after five seasons, age is a factor, some singers are better than others, but the level of specific skills may not always be better in the singer deemed overall superior to the other ( carlotta can definitely project more than christine, but since erik trained christine, she’s better at carrying a tune, so on so forth ). not all of mme giry’s girls have the proper poise, some aren’t meant for certain steps or lifts, some have better endurance. honestly this discrimination is fine tuned for the arts, be it visual, performance, literature, & also extends to architectural knowledge. 

PERSONALITY PSYCHOPATHOLOGY + ERIK’S BEHAVIOR FT. PLAUSIBLE DIAGNOSES, ALSO OPIOID ABUSE 

here is a link to the DSM V.

 for elaboration, see DIAGNOSTIC NOTES. applicable traits will be followed by ✔︎ O

obsessive-compulsive personality disorder — diagnostic criteria. 

defined as a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, & mental & interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, & efficiency, beginning by early adulthood & present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by FOUR OR MORE of the following: 1. is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. 2. shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion ( e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met ). 3. is excessively devoted to work & productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships ( not accounted for by obvious economic necessity ) ✔︎. 4. is overconscientious, scrupulous, & inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values ( not accounted for by cultural or religious identification ) ✔︎. 5. is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value. 6. is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things. ✔︎ 7. adopts a miserly spending style toward both self & others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes. 8. shows rigidity & stubbornness. ✔︎ 

posttraumatic stress disorder — diagnostic criteria. 

posttraumatic stress disorder note: the following criteria apply to adults, adolescents, & children older than 6 years [ for this, i will simply exclude the children under 6 years parts, or other irrelevant to time period notes ].  A. exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in ONE OR MORE of the following ways: 1. directly experiencing the traumatic event(s).✔︎ 2. witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others. 3. learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. in cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental. 4. experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s). [ ... ] B. presence of ONE OR MORE of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred: 1. recurrent, involuntary, & intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s) ✔︎ 2. recurrent distressing dreams in which the content &/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s). ✔︎ [ ... ] 3. dissociative reactions ( e.g., flashbacks ) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring ( such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings* ) ✔︎. 4. intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). 5. marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). ✔︎ C. persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by ONE OR BOTH of the following: 1. avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) ✔︎. 2. avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders ( people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations ) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) ✔︎ D. negative alterations in cognitions & mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by TWO OR MORE of the following: 1. inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) ( typically due to dissociative amnesia & not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs ). 2. persistent & exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world ✔︎. 3. persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others ✔︎. 4. persistent negative emotional state ( e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame ) ✔︎ 5. markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities. 6. feelings of detachment or estrangement from others. 7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions ( e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings ). E. marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by TWO OR MORE of the following: 1. irritable behavior & angry outbursts ( with little or no provocation ) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects ✔︎. 2. reckless or self-destructive behavior ✔︎. 3. hypervigilance ✔︎. 4. exaggerated startle response. 5. problems with concentration. 6. sleep disturbance ( e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep ) ✔︎. F. duration of the disturbance ( criteria B, C, D, & E ) is more than 1 month. ✔︎ G. the disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ✔︎. H. the disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance ( e.g., medication, alcohol ) or another medical condition ✔︎.  specify whether: with dissociative symptoms: the individual’s symptoms meet the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder, & in addition, in response to the stressor, the individual experiences persistent or recurrent symptoms of EITHER of the following: 1. depersonalization: persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, & as if one were an outside observer of, one’s mental processes or body ( e.g., feeling as though one were in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or of time moving slowly ) ✔︎. 2. dereaiization: persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings ( e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted ). note: to use this subtype, the dissociative symptoms must not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance ( e.g., blackouts, behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition ( e.g., complex partial seizures ). specify if: with delayed expression: if the full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least 6 months after the event ( although the onset and expression of some symptoms may be immediate ). 

opioid use disorder — diagnostic criteria 

A. a problematic pattern of opioid use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by AT LEAST TWO of the following, occurring within a 12-month period: 1. opioids are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. ✔︎ 2. there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control opioid use. 3. a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the opioid, use the opioid, or recover from its effects ✔︎. 4. craving, or a strong desire or urge to use opioids ✔︎. 5. recurrent opioid use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home. 6. continued opioid use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of opioids. 7. important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of opioid use. 8. recurrent opioid use in situations in which it is physically hazardous ✔︎. 9. continued opioid use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance ✔︎. 10. tolerance, as defined by EITHER of the following: a. a need for markedly increased amounts of opioids to achieve intoxication or desired effect ✔︎. b. a markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an opioid ✔︎. note: this criterion is not considered to be met for those taking opioids solely under appropriate medical supervision. 11. withdrawal*, as manifested by EITHER of the following: a. the characteristic opioid withdrawal syndrome — [  presence of EITHER of the following; 1. cessation of ( or reduction in ) opioid use that has been heavy & prolonged ( i.e., several weeks or longer ) ✔︎. 2. administration of an opioid antagonist after a period of opioid use. B. THREE OR MORE of the following developing within minutes to several days after criterion a : 1. dysphoric mood ✔︎. 2. nausea ✔︎ or vomiting. 3. muscle aches ✔︎. 4. lacrimation or rhinorrhea. 5. pupillary dilation, piloerection, or sweating. 6. diarrhea. 7. yawning. 8. fever ✔︎. 9. insomnia ✔︎. C. The signs or symptoms in criterion B cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ✔︎. D. the signs or symptoms are not attributable to another medical condition and are not better explained by another mental disorder, including intoxication or withdrawal from another substance ✔︎ ] b. opioids ( or a closely related substance ) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms ✔︎. note: this criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking opioids solely under appropriate medical supervision. 

DIAGNOSTIC NOTES. i could have put more things here, but this is really getting long. with all of that, erik’s a mess ngl. 

crappy college psych major attempt at diagnostic conclusion? OCD, PTSD with dissociative symptoms & a severe case of opioid addiction. 

there were going to be more sections here, but i actually covered everything that i needed to ( as far as i know ). some specifics for the opiate withdrawal; these obviously pertain to when he’s not using opiates, whether it’s because he doesn’t have them, or due to a desire to alleviate concern in others ( especially any loved ones he gains ).  

i am  so so sorry for how long this is. if you got thru this, bravo & i love you for doing so.

[crazyblondelife]

Living With An Eating Disorder

This post has been on my mind for quite some time but I've just now gotten the courage to write it.  Saying you have or have had an eating disorder is like a dirty little secret that you don't want anyone to know.  Eating disorders are a huge problem in our society and the more we talk about this problem, hopefully the easier it will become for people to recognize that they need help.

Eating disorders run they run the gamut from anorexia to compulsive overeating.  What is going on and why is it getting worse?   Here is my story and some statistics that might surprise you.

At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.

Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness - 13% of women over 50 engage in eating disorder behaviors.

In a large national study of college students, 3.5% of sexual minority women and 2.1% of sexual minority men reported having an eating disorder.

16% of transgender college students reported having an eating disorder.

In a study following active duty military personnel over time, 5.5% of women and 4% of men had an eating disorder at the beginning of the study, and within just a few years of continued service, 3.3% more women and 2.6% more men developed an eating disorder.

Eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.

Genetics, environmental factors, and personality traits all combine to create risk for an eating disorder.

I think an eating disorder is much like any other addictive behavior...once you have it, it never goes away, you just learn to control it, or not.  I decided to share my story because obviously I'm not the only one who has struggled with this issue.

1963 was the year I was born...in May.  I had a pretty normal upbringing for that time period.  My mom stayed at home and my dad went to work everyday.  He wasn't especially involved in raising my sister and me but he was always there.  As I got older, and hit puberty, (I think it's the case with a lot of girls), things definitely changed for me, including my relationship with my dad (dads are so important).  In today's society, we are much more open about our bodies and the changes that go on, but that wasn't the case in 1974.  Everything changed for me...my skin broke out, my hair got curlier and out of control, but one thing remained the same, I was always thin and I could always eat whatever I wanted to eat.  I had a pretty rough adolescence to say the least (that's a whole other blog post), and I ended up getting married at the ripe old age of 19, I can only speculate about why, but I knew I was making a mistake when I walked down the aisle.  Being married at such a young age was so much more difficult than I ever thought it would be, but I tried to make the best of it (also another blog post).  I was alone most of the time and worked at a full time job that I hated.  I also started to gain weight for the first time in my life and I felt so badly about my life in general.  I remember one day, I was putting gas into my car and I saw a cute girl walk by who was so thin and I decided then and there to lose the extra weight (15 lbs.) that I had gained.  I probably weighed about 130 pounds at the time and wasn't particularly overweight, but weighed more than I wanted to.  Disclaimer here:  this is MY story, and this is the way I felt.  It wasn't about the weight, it's was how I felt about myself.  I started to severely limit my calories and counted every single bite that I put into my mouth.  I was so obsessed that I even counted a single jelly bean. In the beginning, It felt good and I got so many compliments.  The compliments gave me momentum and I continued to limit my calorie intake and eventually lost about 40 pounds and weighed a whopping 89 pounds.  My parents were horrified but had no idea how to help me.  My anorexic state was hard to maintain, just by not eating, because I was craving whatever it was that food meant to me (love, comfort?), so I became bulimic and would eat huge amounts of food and then throw up.  That was the very lowest point in my life.  I felt so badly about myself and was so embarrassed, but seemed to have no control over my behavior. 

During this whole period of my life, I only saw a therapist once or twice and honestly have never seen a therapist about this specific issue since then.  I believe all of our issues are caused by not loving ourselves.  Long story short, I found out I was pregnant when I was 22 and my crazy eating habits stopped...for a while.  I didn't want to hurt my baby and this was very happy news for me.  I gained 60 pounds during my pregnancy and delivered a very healthy baby girl.  After she was born, the eating disorder came back...I think because I was so unhappy in my marriage and with my life in general and didn't know what to do.  Honestly, growing up, I was never told that I had the capacity to create my own reality (even though I was doing it by default).  My life was happening to me and I was miserable. 

What I didn't know at the time was that my wildest dreams were important and not impossible and I had a message and something important to share. 

My marriage ended when my daughter was 3 and I felt worse about myself than ever.  I was bulimic off and on until about 10 years ago.  It was never as bad as it was in the beginning, but my guilt over eating what I considered "to much" was sometimes more than I could handle.  Again, ot wasn't about the weight.  I know there are those that will read this and not understand how I could be so crazy when I wasn't overweight, but it was (and sometimes still is) a mind game I played with myself.  It isn't normal behavior which is why it's called a disorder.

Let me get back to the part about anorexia/bulimia being an addictive behavior, not unlike being an alcoholic or drug addict.  Once you "get in that head", it's a lifetime struggle to keep it under control.  There are still very few days that go by when I don't know every single bite that has gone into my mouth.  I also still feel guilt sometimes when I overeat and I still rarely overeat without under eating the next day to compensate.

I'm not telling you this for sympathy, because I am so grateful for my life now (even the crazy parts because I'm learning and growing from them).  I just know that I'm not alone and I think it's important to share. I will admit that I like being thin, but sometimes the standards that I hold myself to are difficult.  What causes eating disorders?  I don't think anyone will ever know exactly, but I do know for sure that stress, unhappiness, and a society that doesn't celebrate self care and self love are a huge part of the causes of these eating disorders and even though they affect men, women seem to be statistically more predisposed to eating disorders.  I also know that having an eating disorder bleeds into every other part of your life.  A lack of self confidence causes so many problems because decisions aren't based on what's best for you...you don't feel deserving, so you settle for less than you deserve.

Saying someone has an "eating disorder", doesn't seem quite as accurate as saying someone has an "emotional eating" issue.  It's all about emotion; we eat (or not) because we're happy, or sad, or lonely, or anxious...the list goes on.  So many times, food is associated with love and I think with eating disorders, we are either trying to love ourselves or punish ourselves, with food.  It's hard because as humans, we have no choice, we must eat...making eating disorders unlike alcoholism or drug addiction.

I will say, that my obsession with eating inspired my love of cooking.  It was during the time when I was the thinnest, that I became interested in learning everything I could about cooking and eventually started a catering business.  I still love to cook (as you know) and I also love to eat.  I don't believe that eating disorders have anything to do with food.  The problem is manifested through food, just as a drug addiction has nothing to do with the drugs.  We figure out how to medicate ourselves.  It's true that when you know better, you do better.  I now know that taking care of myself, through meditation, yoga, being with friends, and taking time to just be, in other words, self care and self love, are the keys to overcoming almost everything.  The fact that I now know that I am important and I am worth the time and effort it takes to truly nourish myself and love me has made all the difference in my life.  Learning about The Law of Attraction and that I am a spiritual being and have the capacity to create the life I want through my thoughts has changed my life.  

I now know that I am here on purpose, there is nothing wrong with me, I deserve to be happy, my weirdness and flaws and passions are perfect for who I am here to be and there are no mistakes.  My life has been a journey and some days are still easier than others, but I wouldn't trade the things I've learned for anything. 

[vanessessity]

talking to my own reflection pt.2

Let me tell you, sophomore year was a whirlwind. First semester was probably the most disappointing thing I have ever experienced. I was pre-med, so hopeful, with my Biology and Society major and I felt like things were really going right for me. I wasn’t going to change my career and plus, my mom would be ecstatic to hear that her dream would finally come true. So, yea. I was gonna be a doctor. “Was”, that is. First semester ate me from the inside out and spit me back out. I had to take general chemistry, retake my other biology class that I almost failed, I was faced with narcissistic deans who told me “You can’t get into medical school with that GPA. You’ll never get in, are you serious?”, I went to the pre-med advisor twice a week like she was basically my therapist, I was at the highest stress I have ever been in my life. The chemistry exam averages were 30-40% and you’d celebrate if you were within standard deviation of a failing grade. I didn’t understand anything this school was doing. Grade inflation is always talked about, but I’ve always believed that grades don’t really matter (I know I freak out about my GPA, but thats only when I think about applying to graduate school-and I mean, I’m a well rounded student). But the fact is, okay- you’re getting an A. Sure, that’s awesome. Obviously. But what have you learned? If you’re celebration comes from just the fact that you got a 35%, it surfaces a bit of doubt about how the university-the system, I should say-evaluates their students. Basically, I just didn’t like doing it-I didn’t feel like it was right. Like it was moral, almost. Though I did work my ass off for that bio class and got a final grade of a B+, so that was cool. But there was class that really had an impact on me first semester.

Controversies about Inequality. I hadn’t even known I signed up for it. It was just on my schedule, so I gave myself a high-five because it sounded quite interesting and so I went. I started to learn that it was one of the most popular classes at Cornell and it was super hard to get into. I didn’t even know what department it was. Sociology? I haven’t even- I didn’t even know what the fuck that was. I knew Ms. Robinson taught it in high school, but what the hell. What was I doing in this class? The professor seemed cool and excited to teach, the syllabus was pretty interesting and I was curious. I guess that’s all it took, really. I started really getting into that class. I attended a lecture-I suppose my first of its kind-for extra credit and it was the best talk I have ever been to (’til this day). It changed my life-my whole perspective on what everything was about. It was about mass incarceration and wow, did it move me. I remember getting home at around 9 or 10pm and I went straight to the internet to do more research on this horrible, horrible injustice of the system and lo and behold, I found a paper my professor wrote. She was an expert on mass incarceration. That was her field. Not only that but how mass incarceration affects black boys in school. Listen, this night was a pivotal moment in space and time and everything between that for me. Immediately, I emailed her (which I do not, do not, do not do. But, I did) and I thanked her for the opportunity to attend and I told her that I was super interested in her research and she emailed me back saying to come into office hours. So, I did. And I literally fell in love. She was-sorry, is-one of the most passionate, caring, thoughtful, most insightful person I have ever talked to. She spoke to me about her research and I left her office in awe. Sociology was a whole other field I hadn’t discovered until now and I was flustered. I loved it, but I was flustered. Thought the coming months, sociology was like that spec on your glasses you always tried to rub off but it just wouldn’t budge. Everywhere I looked, it was there. It really made me think about things in ways that was similar to how I actually wanted to. There was no “I got a 30%. Nice”. There was no “I have to study my ass off and then some and get a C”. Everything was genuine. Haskins really didn’t care about grades either to be honest, she always said she wanted us to succeed and she gave extra credit opportunities every other week, to be honest. There was a time at the beginning of one lecture where the undergraduate advisor in the sociology department gave a speech on majoring in Sociology and it was there that everything came full circle. Once I had time, I went into Prof. Cornwell’s office and poured out my heart-“I want to be a pediatrician. Sociology is so cool, but I’m going to medical school and I don’t know what they’ll think. I really want to do this”. And she pushed me to think about what I wanted. So, from then on, I decided I would switch my major to Sociology. From that moment, I started thinking about why I was doing things rather than its contents. “I have to do this to get into med school.” “Does this meet my requirements for med school?” “Is med school really going to take me with my GPA? Was my faculty advisor right?” But, why did I care? Why did I want to be a doctor so much?

Winter break came and I dropped the whole pre-med fiasco. It was just a waste of my time. I told myself, maybe in the future but definitely not now. Especially not at this school- I won’t feel accomplished. Well, I was majoring in Sociology… then what? I had to rethink my whole career path from the very beginning and I really had to dig deep and ask myself tough questions. Why do I care about sociology? What is it about it and why is it so interesting to me? Then I thought, wait. I just started majoring in it because it was interesting to me. That’s all, it’s that simple. That’s when I knew there was a second piece missing from all this. I immediately knew where my heart was and all it took was some little tiny steps here and there. Talking to Haskins, exploring sociology, majoring in it. I knew there was something else I had to add. My once star-crossed field of study became my focus-psychology. Always, always, always have I been interested-more than anything-in the field of psychology. It all came back to psychology. Why was I studying Biology and Society? To learn more about the brain. I didn’t care about anything else, I thought to myself I just had to get through the easy classes and then I would be able to finally learn about the brain and its anatomy, its functions, its biological processes, how it works, how it perceives information, how humankind needs it. That’s where my true intentions laid. I always knew, but I just didn’t have the courage to tell myself that it was the right thing to do. It was too easy for me, I thought. I need something that is challenging. But listen, pre-med kind of wanted to make me jump off a building and may in the middle of the road. Yea, it was challenging but I also was not having a great time. And my girl told me something that I haven’t really thought about. Maybe psychology was so easy for me because I actually understood the material and I was actually interested in it and I wanted to learn more about it. I never really thought about it like that and she was right. Of course, as always.

Second semester was really when I hit it off. I changed my whole spring semester schedule and I was so fucking excited. No more hard sciences (even though I will indeed miss biology) and I was on my social science grind. This was really it for me, I thought. I found my true passion-oh gosh. I forgot to mention a big factor in me choosing [cont’d at the airport] psychology as a major. First semester, I got accepted into an integrative neuroethology lab as a research assistant. The name is kind of extra I’m not gonna lie, I just use it to sound kind of pretentious, but  [cont’d on airplane] I just research how developmental early experience manipulations affect later prosocial behavior. I really got into it, I really did. My graduate mentor is awesome and I love her very much; she’s like my idol and reminds me of myself at times. So I really got into research and went to lab meetings every friday at 8am. If that’s not commitment, I don’t know what is. First semester lab meetings consisted of reading a book and discussing a chapter each week and I really enjoyed it (cognitive dissonance? maybe). Second semester each graduate student a some undergraduate students gave presentations about their data and results. Doing research and all of those meetings and getting into the nitty-gritty, I think it’s what made me go from a stable pre-med to an on-the-fence pre-med to an unsure pre-grad-school. It definitely had a huge impact on me and I can’t believe I didn’t mention it above, but yeah. I love it. So, next semester (fall 2017) I plan on being in two- but we will see what happens with that whole situation. Anyways, second semester lmao.

I found my true passion. Psychology with a mix of Sociology and a sprinkle of Inequality Studies was and is exactly what I needed to satisfy my academic hunger. The professors actually care about their students learning, they’re always excited to teach, excited about learning with their students and growing, they put in effort and make sure we are doing the same. I love it. All very down-to-earth individuals. Second semester I really rocked it in terms of my grades and studying. I still worked my ass off, don’t get me wrong. It was just smoother and more… me. I’m really grateful I went through the realization that I had and that it happened at the perfect time. I’m really proud of myself. I really am. So, yea. That’s that regarding my career path and choosing my journey. I actually just found out a few hours ago that I got two A+s (even though they were in tagalog and lab but hey whatever), so it’s starting off pretty good. Scared for the rest to come, but it is what it is.

But in terms of my social life, it definitely has been a bit weird. I got closer and closer with *. * pops up here and there but not that often. That’s fine. But anyways, yeah. I don’t really mind. Also made a new close friend, *. He’s always great. He’s honestly the only one who I’ve really had a genuine connection with. Made friends with *, she’s nice. I have a class with her next semester so I hope we stay in touch. She’s very chill and down-to-earth. I mean I don’t know, I like keeping my circle really close so like I said, I don’t really mind. Time alone is completely fine as well cause it keeps me in check. I feel as though I’m pretty socially balanced right now but a few friends won’t hurt.

Let’s see what else… well, I mean theres my relationship and where do I start with that one? I fall more in love with that girl every waking moment and then some. She’s been so good to me and I really can’t ask for better because better doesn’t exist when I’m dating the love of my life. She makes me so happy and I am so excited to be seeing her in a few hours. OH. This summer! This summer I have the amazingly perfect opportunity with a human development lab up in NAU and guess who’ll be by my side!! I am super, super excited for that as well. It’s honestly the perfect lab for me, studying neurodevelopmental issues in children and how it affects learning and attention. It’s so fucking great, I am so excited to be on board for the summer. AND they’re taking me to my first conference. Honestly, it was so so perfect. I can’t believe everything worked out the way it did. God is real, believe #that. So, yeah. I’ll be spending the whole summer with my girl and it’ll be wonderful.

I’m really happy with my life right now. I feel like I can’t complain about anything, except I keep on losing weight so thats not good and my mom will hate me cause I’m gay, but thats usual. But other than that, I am living my almost ideal life. I really can’t wait for the future and I’m extremely grateful for the things that God has given me this past year. It has been a whirlwind and I’ve been loving every second of it. Until next year, then.

[sherrielarch]

What Society Thinks Makes a Woman

I’ve read articles about women, women oriented Facebook pages and Twitter accounts, various women’s blogs and sites around the Internet, and other so-called women’s media outlets lately that people have asked me to read for an objective opinion about stuff I can never figure out and I do not even want to know. Why they ask me is something I cannot figure out because my answers are not going to be what they want to hear, I’ve never been into girlie crap or so-called women’s behavioral and beauty guides that teach you that you will always be ugly and unlovable but they can teach you how to fix it enough to make society tolerate your ugliness and unlovability. If you don’t have some kind of body issues or self-esteem issues these sites are where you will catch a boatload of them like a nasty contagious disease. These sites are where you will learn all things about what is wrong with your female biological sexed body and female psychology and how you can curve and cut into your body and mind and mold them to what society wants to see. These sites are also where you will learn to behave and think like a proper “lady”.  It’s like some kind of cult indoctrination into a self-hating Stepford wives’ hell Twilight Zone.

So What Makes a Woman According to the Society?  

Women are given so many stereotypes and rules to live by from birth to death that you wonder what the real biological female is and when girls and women ever get any sleep trying to keep up with all of them. Cultural and societal ideals, religious doctrine, and the media (television, movies, news, and magazines) all mingled into a sexist and misogynistic soup of female control, female obedience, female self-hate, and female self-mutilation. Every day there is a new beauty product, a new expensive fashion fad to follow, a plastic surgery to have, a law regulating female reproductive organs and sexuality, a female manual of behavior, a mutilation ritual to carve…all to make girls and women follow the same path to female individuality destruction. Because individuality is seen as a dangerous thing if girls and women do it because it’s empowering and might allow for sex stereotypes and gender roles to change. Instead these sex stereotype and gender roles are enforced by societies, cultures, patriarchal religions, and the media.

Female Body Destruction

In some parts of the world girls and young women have their genitalia mutilated without their permission for their culture’s ideology of how to control female purity and sexuality. In another part of the world a woman may have her genitalia surgically altered to make her boyfriend or husband and society’s beauty standards happy because her vulva is not pretty enough by porn standards. In the western world if a woman has small breasts they must get large implants that might cause them health issues in the future because anything smaller than a “C” cup is considered a birth defect, not attractive and not feminine. Having your breasts removed is about the same price as implants. This gives you a hint that the medical community gives you two choices between making yourself a normal female or removing them. Oh, doctor which one should we choose? But if a woman has large breasts they are seen as normal and feminine and are both an asset and a curse. Large breast may get a woman through many doors that men control but she will also be labelled and sexualized into just being a pair of breasts, nothing else. Women that want to reduce the size of their breasts because of back pain or just comfort are told they should be happy having normal breast because having small breast is abnormal and is not female. Even after all these plastic surgeries and mutilations there will always be a defect there. It’s called “your female biological body cannot ever be just fine with society without alterations like a dress”.

In Western society a woman can never be too skinny; unless she is naturally skinny then she is considered too skinny, unfeminine and not curving enough and listed as boyish, ugly, and a potential anorexic but if she gains weight then it’s time for a starvation diet. If a woman is overweight, she is considered too curving and not sexy.  The weight loss industry targets the female biological sex from birth, no one wants a fat little baby girl, some mothers even put baby girls on restrictive feedings because they fear they might get chubby. This weight obsession goes until death, a skinny corpse is the main goal, because this should be the main goal when a woman is old and gray, not enjoying remembering a happy life, just more dieting babe, sorry don’t want to be a fat corpse. But girls are discouraged from exercising as children because parents do not want their little girls looking and acting like boys or getting too many muscles which might affect their ability to find husbands in the future. Exercise is good for girls as it is for boys and helps develop healthy bones, muscles, and a life-time of healthy weight balance. But the weight loss industry would go out of business, cannot have that.

The female biological sex must hate everything about their bodies from head to toe and constantly worry about fitting whatever beauty standards her culture or society tells her is the standard for a woman or girl. If a woman has curly hair, she must get it straightened, if its straight, she needs to get it curled.  If a woman is not spending hundreds of dollars for hair care and exposing herself to all the chemicals that are used, she is not properly groomed. She must also cover her face to conceal any flaw or blemish with expensive makeup to look the proper “lady” and god forbid she gets a wrinkle. If she cannot cover all these flaws, blemishes, and wrinkles with makeup, than she must get to a plastic surgeon and have them cut them out. She must also shave all her body hair and look like a prepubescent child.  This quest for perfection is a never ending road to nowhere because each level of beauty that is climbed only leads to just another level beauty to climb.

My Mind and Body My Decision

I personally gave up on all of this crazy crap and the physical and psychological wars on the female biological sex when I was four years old and no I am not kidding, I was just that young, when I start seeing though all this bullshit. I did not think being born into a biological female body was a Barbie caricature of someone looking like a pink and ruffled nightmare that was made to be pretty, submissive, and quiet. That could only play tea party, house, and dress up, and could only dream of being a proper painted lady, being happy to be told how to look and behave. None of which I wanted to play or be. I was a stubborn brat, a rebel that refused to act like a breakable painted doll. I was an outsider that got bullied and harassed but I did not care and I still do not. I didn’t wear dresses, I roughhoused with the boys, I was not quiet, and I had my own opinions, hate me or love me, I do not give a fuck. Because trying to fit the acceptable female bodied person is destructive to your psychological and physical health, I do not know how other girls and women do it without having a mental breakdown and some do with body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and other psychological stresses, risking their very physical and psychological health for society’s pleasure. Sometimes you have to step off the crazy train and save yourself. I advise all girls and women try it. Also it will save you a boatload of cash, my last haircut cost me $14.00.