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thenugking · 2 years

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🖊

While looking through my blog, I realised I’ve never actually talked about Forest Hawke here, which is a crime. So here’s a bunch of stuff I copied over from an old skype chat about them.

BACKSTORY

Gets caught by templars when they’re 12 and taken to Kinnloch Hold

They’re very convinced they're gonna escape real soon and go back home!! They meet a nice friend called Anders, and plan an escape together.

They get back to their home village, discover their family have Moved On, develop a bunch of abandonment issues over that, get caught by templars, have their legs broken for trying to run away, one of which never sets properly, yell at Anders for instigating all this, and decide escaping is Hopeless and no one cares about them and they just need to look out for themself

They make their second escape during the Blight, when the Circle’s going to hell and they’ll easily be presumed dead in the chaos. The Warden’s party helps them get out and when Forest says they plan to go to Denerim and catch a ship out of the country, Zevran recommends they find his friend Isabela.

Forest ends up becoming Isabela’s quartermaster, (and also best friend who steals qunari relics with her)

Due to the bad leg, they can’t move around a lot during fights (and probably using any staff they have as a walking stick anyway) but they’re very skilled at entropy magic, and people fighting Isabela often find themselves getting slower and clumsier while the Definitely Not Apostate quartermaster watches on.

They stick together once they reach Kirkwall, Forest looks up the family they once had in the city, discovers the family estate is now owned by slavers, and invites Isabela along to kill slavers and hang out in an abandoned mansion pretending to be fancy nobles

They run into Carver and Aveline Also killing slavers there and have an Awkward Family Reunion.

FUN FOREST FACTS

Forest’s first response to danger is Murder. They kill Cullen after Enemies Among Us because he recognised them. (before escaping on the Deep Roads expedition), rip that guy.

They also kill Varric during Act 2, because they fucking hate the creepy stalker dwarf who keeps telling people stories about them while they’re trying to keep a low profile, butting into their love life, gets a guy killed by spreading stories about treasure in the Deep Roads, and is buddies with templars.

Feelings are Difficult and Scary. During Act 1, Forest trusts no one except Isabela, and that’s because they know she understands that you have to Put Yourself First.

They definitely Don’t move into gamlen’s house in Act 1, they still don’t know how to feel about being reunited with Leandra and Carver. (They get along with Gamlen fairly well. Not going through a year in indentured service helps.)

I spent Weeks agonising over whether to romance Fenris or Merrill with them and constantly going back and forth, before settling on Fenris because Forest needed an extra few years to actually be able to handle a romantic relationship, and I wanted Merrill to be with Bela. Fenris and Forest get to bond over escaping captivity, dealing with chronic pain, and being very snarky together <3

LIVEBLOG COPY/PASTE TIME

lirene: there is a healer in dark town who is perfect and selfless and heals the poor without asking anything in return forest: wow what a boring fucking saint. anyway i need to find him. lirene: he's an apostate and his name's Anders Forest: his name's w h a t now?

Forest: Isabela is my oldest friend Anders: Um?? Hello?? What about me?? Forest: I've known her longer than any of you Carver: I'm your BROTHER?! Forest: Isabela. My Oldest and Dearest Friend.

.......okay but there's absolutely no reason thrask should ask me for help

I told him I wanted to bring feynriel to the circle, very much Did Not let him know i found feynriel and sent him to the dalish, and then blackmailed him over his daughter being a mage

like where the fuck did he get the impression that i'm anti-circle?? I mean yes I Am massively anti-circle but he doesn't know that

"Arianni tells me you sought a better path than the Circle for her son Feynriel"

godDAMIT arianni

Forest: Hmm mage rights but for me only I think? The rest of u are on ur own

forest discovered they do in fact give a shit about their little brother when he collapsed with the darkspawn taint

maybe even More than one shit

also they threatened to kill stroud if he didn't help

anyway carver told them leandra's never been the same since they got taken by the templars, and cried for days when it happened, and she misses them so much and please let mum be a part of your life again?? forest agreed bc it turns out losing their family a second time Upsets them, huh, who knew

they also apologised to anders for Everything

Dumar: But now, the Arishok has requested you, by name. What did you do? Forest: I Absolutely did not help steal the qunari's most sacred item Oh Maker I am going to be murdered

they are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE right now

"Give him what he needs to keep the peace. Can you do that for Kirkwall?"

regrettably, no I absolutely can not

dragon age: ah you see Petrice is a Very Cunning Manipulator, the viscount asks if she harmed the qunari herself or Told the mob to attack, and you realise that No, she didn't actually do anything you can get her for!!! Forest: Oh yeah she straight up told the mob to kill the qunari and attack us. Promise.

Love how at the end of act 2 after aveline goes "okay tomorrow we need to go and speak to the arishok and it's super important, be very careful"

Forest and Isabela had been planning to get the book and fucking Dip, but Forest ended up staying behind to cover her escape, and now the city’s about to go to shit and they don’t know if they’re ever going to see their best friend again.

They arrive to the Arishok meeting late, after drinking way too much the previous night at a seedy little bar, waking up very hungover in last night’s clothes and deciding they'll walk down to the docks and decide whether to speak to the arishok or throw themself into the sea when they get there

arishok: Forest is the only person I respect in this city forest: hey dipshits isabela has your stupid book and she's fucking miles away by now *throws up on the arishok's shoes*

Larius: When your father was here, he was fascinated by the architecture, and kept stopping to examine carvings. A learned man :) forest: wow...... what a fucking nerd

you didn't have to kill Larius, janeka. you should have let ME do that

Everyone Stop Acting Like Forest Is A Selfless Noble Hero With Kirkwall's Best Interests At Heart

like the start of act 3 is just Orsino: hey everyone, doesn't meredith suck? Hey! Hey forest! Meredith sucks, right? Forest, from the market: Huh? Yeah! everyone: omg... the champion is so brave... so inspirational.... really taking a stand…

The good thing about being a Famous Noble is that you get a whole load of money you can use to secretly have a new ship built for ur bff and then when people get mad that you helped blow up a chantry and kill a bunch of templars, you and your friends can just bundle a bunch of mages onto the ship and get the fuck out of there. Bye kirkwall it’s pirate time now <3

#forest hawke #dragon age #dragon age 2 #long post #this was... a Lot of ramble abt my oc #anti varric #anti cullen #asks about ocs #marsh ocs

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theharellan · 4 years

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101 DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS | not accepting

for the sake of reducing the number of ooc posts i’m answering these all in one and just @ing the people who asked the questions! thank you for them all!

if you sent me one of these btw and rbed this meme yourself and i didn’t send you something, please let me know! i want to send you things back and must have missed you reblogging the meme. this includes non-mutuals.

1. How did you get into Dragon Age? | asked by @kaaras-adaar & @dreamerlavellan

Sort of by accident, actually. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in university (2011) and summertime is generally a time of inactivity and depression because I cannot tolerate the weather here. My dad happened to own Origins and I picked it up because??? Fantasy? RPG?

Starting the game I saw you could play as a dwarf, who have been my favourites in fantasy since a child as The Hobbit is among my favourite books. Then after that I fell in love with the worldbuilding for dwarves and Gorim, my first actual Dragon Age love. I was more or less hooked after that. DA was actually not my first Bioware game, I was obsessed with Jade Empire as a kid so like Origins appealed to me immediately despite being far less fun to play than literally any other Bioware game I’ve ever played. The characters and world more than made up for it.

I beat it relatively quickly and my dad bought Dragon Age II which had come out earlier that day, actually against my suggestion because I’d heard it wasn’t good. And in this instance my dad forgetting something I said turned out for the best because I ended up enjoying DAII more in some respects. While it took me a while to join the fandom as a content producer I was a consumer and certified DA trash from then on.

2. Have you finished all three games? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

Kskjdfs yes. I’ve beaten each at least 4 times, but probably more like 8. The only thing I haven’t played are some of the Origins DLC because as much as I enjoy my replays I am so ready to be out by the end of the game (and I have the worst luck with Awakening bugs) and I also don’t have Sebastians DLC b/c his never goes on sale individually and I refuse to spend more than like $4 on him.

3. How long did it take you to finish the series? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

I honestly don’t know. I think it took me like a week to beat Inquisition without 100%ing it, I’d say my first playthroughs all probably took about that long. I tend not to do everything in my first playthrough. Like shard collecting didn’t happen until round two, etc.

7. Favorite DA:O backstory? | asked by @dreamerlavellan & @fatefaulted

I’ve played through all of them and I enjoy them all except Cousland, but my favourite is Aeducan. I enjoy the politics, the culture, the aesthetic of Orzammar. I love Gorim Saelac and the surprising amount of depth to this character who is designed to be thrown away after the prologue. I love how it ties you to the Darkspawn threat in a bigger way than any of the origins accomplish. I love how it ties you to the Orzammar plot later in the game, and playing Aeducan first is probably one reason why I adore that branch of the game. It’s a good origin that establishes its world really well and has great characters to boot.

11. Share a pic of your favorite OC from any DA game. | asked by @dreamerlavellan

I just want to share pics of my girl and Solas’ future husband.

Ian Lavellan, non-Inquisitor written by @theshirallen

Thora Cadash, dwarven Inquisitor and default Inquisitor for this blog written by... me lmao.

22. Favorite DA2 party combo? | asked by @fatefaulted

My main Hawke is a mage Hawke, so this party is horrendously imbalanced, but: Varric, Merrill, Isabela. They all just like each other and I think that’s neat. Although in act one my favourite is probably Carver, Merrill, Isabela / Varric. Unfortunately the game doesn’t want me to have a warrior in my party.

24. Favorite main-story quest from DA:I? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

It’s hard to pick between In Hushed Whispers and In Your Heart Shall Burn. I love seeing the red lyrium’d companions and the dark future of Thedas, and speculating on what happened in the intervening year. I love reflecting on what it must do for the Inquisitor to see that and have it be undone. I think it sets up the rest of the game really well, and in ways Champions of the Just doesn’t do quite as well.

In Your Heart Shall burn is a simpler quest but I think the power and emotions in the quest are so raw. Playing this the first time was riveting and I was on the edge of my seat. The triumph of closing the Breach, the strangeness of your first encounter with Cole (whose appearance at the gates is another reason I prefer IHW tbh, I think it’s more tension building than Dorian’s), Corypheus, crawling through the snow. Capping it off with The Dawn Will Come and the journey to Skyhold idk, it’s just such an emotional high point in the series that every time I replay I get goosebumps.

25. Favorite DA:I place? | asked by @fatefaulted

It’s a tie between the Frostback Basin and the Emerald Graves. I love the lore in both, as elf trash I prefer the lore in the graves especially if I can include the Din’an Hanin into that category. But the Avvar lore and Ameridan is also Very Good, and while I adore the giant trees of the graves the Frostback Basin clearly was able to have more resources poured into its design, and as a result the different sections of the map have so much more character.

A close runner-up is the Hinterlands, as I think the quests there are fun and it feels like home. I enjoy returning to it. Which is good, b/c I’ve played through it... a lot... I think loving it might be a coping mechanism, but also I love the vibe of the early game that’s best captured in the Hinterlands.

32. Favorite DLC mission overall? | asked by @fatefaulted

Trespasser is up there with Shivering Isles as my favourite DLC ever produced. Its hits every emotional beat I think it needed to hit, set up the next game with greater detail and intrigue than the initial epilogue, and I’m honestly dying to get to replay it again on Thora despite what it does to my nerves. The first time I played it I could feel my heart beating faster like wtf me.

37. Blood magic: yes or no? | asked by @hopewrought

Would I use it myself? No. Morally I think it can be reprehensible but also neutral, much like any other magic in the game. In certain characters I think even if used for good it may encourage unhealthy habits, but I think it can be learned to be engaged with in better ways.

59. Who was written really poorly? | asked by @theshirallen you can’t hide behind anon I know it was you

Oghren fucking Kondrat. When I think about the reasons Origins is my least favourite game he is among them. With Oghren there was a really good chance to portray an alcoholic abuse victim, suffering from severe mental health issues, and still mourning his wife, with the respect it deserves. Instead he just... is a gross sexist dwarf and his alcoholism is mostly played for jokes. And then he comes back in Awakening and... continues to be a gross sexist dwarf whose alcoholism is mostly played for jokes.

There could have been some really interesting stuff with Oghren, the Warrior caste of dwarves I think would suffer from issues similar to qunari warriors, where when they can no longer fill the purpose society has dictated they must serve, what then? They can’t do anything but fight. There could be comradery with Sten, or perhaps Zevran or Alistair, or any of the companions who have had the path their lives took dictated to them by societal forces they had no say in (even if they are happy with that direction). There are snippets of good stuff in here, the line “let us show them our hearts, Warden, and then show them theirs” is one of the best of the good-byes the game offers us imo. It’s a shame about what came before.

Like there are other characters, such as Sera, who I think were done dirty by their writers, but Sera at least got some growth in the DLC and there were attempts to address criticism of her character. Oghren in Awakening was just kind of a take two of an already poorly-done arc.

60. Who do you wish had been given more story? | asked by @hopewrought

I wish Briala had more, like that she had some impact on the story in universes where Gaspard isn’t crowned with her as his puppetmaster. She and the elves reappears in that but not if you reunite her with Celene or exile her, and I think it would’ve been neat. I also wish she’d had a chance to interact with Solas in some small way given how many parallels were drawn by one of his own agents during Masked Empire.

I also wish we had more about dwarves in general in 2 and Inquisition. We get some great lore in Inquisition that was set up in 2, but with our only dwarf companion being Varric, who honestly has a relationship with his race that at times is comparable to Sera’s, it pulls a few of its punches. I really think they have dwarves set up to be important players in the next game, with their architecture featuring heavily in the dev diary, buuut no dwarves to be seen. So who knows. Just give me dwarves in the next game who aren’t Varric Bioware pls. Let me kiss one maybe.

61. Favorite NPC? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

I’m not going to count advisors even though they kinda are NPCs and I’m going to answer one for each game so uhh...

Origins - Anora

DA2 - Feynriel

DA:I - Krem

Bonus - Lord Woolsley, the only unproblematic DA character

63. Best story moment? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

It’s a tie between the journey to Skyhold and the talk with Solas at the end of Trespasser and the resulting disbanding of the Inquisition (if you so choose). I really can’t separate them because I think the reason Trespasser works so well is how it calls back to the very beginning of Inquisition and that moment with Solas in the snow. It’s triumphant and sad, something’s ending, the fellowship is breaking, but you know all of you will continue to work towards a better world apart.

In DA:O I think it’d be saying good-bye before the final battle and in DA2 I think the moment where you can tell the Arishok he was right to take in the elves who killed that guardmen is good. Probably one of the reasons why I think Hawke-Arishok work so well as a protagonist-antagonist combination.

81. Favorite fanfic? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

I don’t read a lot of fanfic, actually. Save what I read on here, which I do count, but idk if other people do.

My favourite writers to read are @theshirallen, obviously. Joly wants to tweakIan’s personal quest but I think the version they have written now is still very good and you can find it here. I love reading Peace’s stuff and find their smut especially spicy in the best possible way, you can find a Merrill/f!Mahariel piece here! Gaia doesn’t write on Tumblr much these days, but she wrote a wonderful Tug/Sketch (the companions from Leliana’s Song) that you can find here.

I follow so many talented writers and I can’t list them all but here are a few I can fire off real fast: @theshirallen / @ghilannainguideme / @seahaloed / @sabraelin / @valorcorrupt / @mercysought / @hopewrought / @ofrevas / @skyheld have all moved me with their words at some point, be it in fic or rp.

82. Favorite fanart/fanartist? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

Again I just can’t choose jsdfks.

The easiest way is to just link my Solas fanart tag. Obviously this favours Solas artists, however, so also here’s a link to thedaswlw where there’s a boatload of amazing fanart all of wlw.

Of people I’m mutuals with I know @abracafockyou, @kaaras-adaar, @dalathin (currently inactive but I gotta link them), and @syntharts are all very talented artists. I’m also a big fan of destinyapostacy, nipuni, elbenherzart, starscollected (on twitter), and many more.

97. What’s your favorite DA mod? | asked by @ghilannainguideme & @hopewrought

I’ll chose one as many as I want to apparently from each game again, b/c why not?

DA:O - I have to admit I find this game hard to mod because nothing can really salvage the gameplay or look of the game. I need Better Dwarf Model so I don’t have to look at the odd dwarf proportions in the game (the women have arms for days). Mostly I have armour mods. I like Grey Wardens of Ferelden so I can match Alistair in the final batte and have everyone in uniforms in Awakening. I do like Kirkwall Exports because I can put Zevran in the robes of the notorious pirate tho. I haven’t used this mod yet but I also love this mod I retweeted this morning.

DA2 - Again, I don’t mod 2 very much. You could probably make some kind of chart for correlating my enjoyment of a game versus my urge to mod it, with the more I love a game means I want to mod it more. With 2 I enjoy the combat and overall design of the characters more so I mostly use a couple of tweaks, my favourite is Ishs Scarf for Merrill which just adds a cute blue scarf to Merrill and hides the fact that elves in this game have weirdly long necks. Oh and a mod to fix the weird hand dirt.

DA:I - Equal Opportunity Solas mod, I bought the game again on PC just to use it. Being able to play Solas/Ian for screencaps was everything tbh. Other mods I enjoy are More Banter, which while I have better luck with banter it is nice to be able to count on it. I installed it this latest pt and I have heard location comments that have never triggered before. Black Hair for Everyone has changed my life because finally Thora doesn’t have grey hair. No Dirt Buildup is also amazing, as the dirt can cause some really weird blotting on PCs that’s especially noticeable on dark-skinned Inquisitors.

99. Where would you live (Ferelden, Orlais, Free Marches etc?) | asked by @heysales

Probably Ferelden. It is fantasy England and hey if I make it past Inquisition maybe nothing will ever happen there again. Somewhere in the Free Marches might also be chill. Not Kirkwall. Maybe Starkhaven? Honestly tho I just want to live in the Frostback Basin. Have a spirit friend. Shake hands with nugs.

101. If you could meet your Warden/Hawke/Inquisitor, what would you say? | asked by @dreamerlavellan

If I met Thora I’d tell her I’m proud of her. She’d be confused, but that’s ok.

#( munday meme )#( ooc )#( about me )#( asks )

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cruelangelstheses · 5 years

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skin that glows

fandom: dragon age rating: M characters: fenris/m!hawke words: 2.6k additional tags: canon compliant, canon-typical violence, touching/touch aversion, angst with a happy ending description: fenris can’t remember a life without pain. a/n: here i am again reposting stuff, expect to see this until i get caught up lol. written for @fenrisappreciationmonth day 6: lyrium. title is from “linger” by heirsound

read it on ao3

—

The first time Hawke touches Fenris, they’re both covered in blood.

It’s only been a few weeks since Fenris first met him, but since then, Hawke has asked for his assistance in numerous missions, some stranger and more dangerous than others. This time they’re searching for a young mage named Feynriel, and though they haven’t found him yet, they did find something else: a group of slavers in Darktown. “I think it’s only fitting,” Hawke said when he called on Fenris earlier in the day, “that I bring you along to confront these guys.”

Needless to say, Fenris was happy to oblige, and now they’re surrounded by dead slavers.

It never gets old, holding their still-beating hearts in his hand, making them feel fear for once in their pathetic little lives. His markings are a curse, inflicted upon him against his will, but sometimes...well, sometimes he’s not exactly ungrateful for them.

Fenris is not invincible, though, even with the lyrium, and the slavers were clearly prepared for the possibility of a fight, judging by their numbers. The battle wasn’t terrible by any means, but it was certainly more difficult than fighting, say, a group of amateur bandits. Near the very end, one of the slavers got the jump on him and shoved a sword into his side (before promptly being frozen by a Cone of Cold spell, courtesy of Hawke). The slaver mage—whose name Fenris doesn’t care to remember—took advantage of his half-second of weakness and shot a blast of fire at him, a blast that sent him to his knees because he wasn’t quick enough to completely avoid it. Fortunately, there were only a few enemies left, and Hawke, Varric, and Aveline quickly dispatched them.

“Fenris!” Hawke says afterward when he notices Fenris kneeling on the ground and gritting his teeth. Fenris has his head lowered, so he can’t see Hawke, but he can hear the sound of his hurried footsteps.

Fenris has a hand over the gaping wound in his side, and the exposed skin that runs from his left cheek to his neck and down his arm is already blistering. Bloodstains coat his armor, and when he glances up at Hawke, he can see that his companion is in a similar state. “Fenris,” Hawke repeats. “Are you alright?”

“I am fine,” Fenris replies, despite the blood leaking out of the wound and slipping between his fingers.

Behind Hawke, Varric snorts and says, “Yeah, if by ‘fine’ you mean ‘rapidly bleeding out.’”

“Anders’s clinic isn’t far from here,” Hawke says. Fenris rolls his eyes but doesn’t argue. He’s not going to refuse healing when he truly needs it; he isn’t that foolish.

“Here,” Hawke continues, leaning down and reaching his hand out. Before Fenris can protest, before he can even register what’s happening, Hawke wraps his fingers lightly around Fenris’s wrist, probably to help pull him to his feet.

The pain shoots through him like lightning, and he gasps a little, immediately tearing his hand away from Hawke. The lyrium under his skin pulses and glows for the briefest of seconds, and Hawke takes a moment to stare at him with bewilderment. “Sorry,” he says. “I didn’t realize you were injured there, too.”

Fenris doesn’t say anything; he just forces himself to stand back up, trying not to wince. He’s not going to admit that neither of his hands are injured. It’s the markings that hurt—they never stopped hurting, but it’s worse when someone touches him. Hawke doesn’t need to know that, though. No one does.

Fenris walks the whole way to Anders’s clinic, and he doesn’t let anyone help him. They’ll only make it worse.

—

The second time it happens is about two weeks later, at the Hanged Man.

It’s the evening of one of their regular Wicked Grace sessions, accompanied by varying levels of drinking (the cheap ale is nowhere near Fenris’s liking, but he drinks some of it anyway). Isabela holds the current record, followed by Varric and then Hawke. As such, all three are at least somewhat inebriated at this point—and yet they all continue to bluff like champions.

“Victory!” Hawke crows when the Angel of Death card appears. Sure enough, he has a winning hand: four serpents. Everyone groans and tosses their coin his way.

Since he’s sitting right next to Hawke, Fenris simply slides his coin over to him. “Well done, Hawke,” he says, laughing a little. “Lucky bastard.”

“Oh, come on, Fenris. That was pure skill,” Hawke replies. He bumps Fenris’s arm playfully, a drunken grin on his face, and Fenris flinches automatically as it sends a quick jolt of pain through him.

Hawke cocks his head and looks at him quizzically. Fenris opens his mouth, ready to make an excuse, but Hawke beats him to it. “Sorry,” he says. “I’ll stop.”

Fenris raises an eyebrow but keeps quiet. Sober or drunk, Hawke is a lot more observant than he looks.

—

The third time happens much later.

It’s been three years, and a lot has changed since then—Hawke went into the Deep Roads and emerged a much wealthier man. His brother became a templar. Tensions have risen between the Qunari and the rest of Kirkwall. If one thing remains the same, though, it’s this: Fenris has stayed by Hawke’s side, and Hawke by his. So when slavers confront them outside of Kirkwall, sent by Hadriana to recapture Fenris, Hawke is the only person he trusts to help him confront his former master’s apprentice.

Somehow, what they find is even worse than he expected: blood sacrifices abound, the only survivor a young slave girl. It seems Hadriana knows Fenris is coming, and she’s taking all the power she can get, by any means necessary. It figures.

She and her men are prepared, but not prepared enough. None of the slavers or the demons she summons stand a chance against Fenris or Hawke, or Isabela, or even Anders. When they weaken her enough, knock her to the ground with her staff out of her reach, it’s over for her.

Then she says something that stops him in his tracks: “You have a sister. She is alive.”

Oh, she knows him well, but not well enough. She knows he’d do anything just to reclaim a remnant of his past, let alone find his family—but she trusts him far too much with her life, stupid enough to think that he’d actually hold up his end of the deal. When he has the information he wants, true or not, he shoves his hand into her chest and crushes her sorry excuse of a heart.

He should be satisfied, killing her, but he’s not. He’s just angry, perhaps more now than ever before. His head swims with anxiety, with uncertainty, and he says as much to Hawke, barely even thinking about his words before they’re past his lips. He can’t bring himself to care that Anders and Isabela are staring at him as if he’s lost his mind, and he can’t even bring himself to care that Hawke’s brow is creased with worry. In fact, that just makes him angrier.

He tries to reign himself in, to remind himself that at least now Hadriana is dead, and she can’t hurt anyone else. “But all that matters is I finally got to crush this bitch’s heart,” he says, letting his hatred spill out of his mouth. He turns around and looks down at the floor, his back to Hawke. “May she rot, and all the other mages with her.”

“And here I thought you were unreasonable,” Anders mutters.

Before Fenris has a chance to respond, Hawke’s voice, calm and patient, stops him. “Maybe we should leave.”

And then he feels it: Hawke’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly, their first real physical contact in years. Things have changed since then, so Fenris doesn’t immediately push him away—but it still hurts, and it does nothing to quell his rage...or his fear. “No,” he says firmly, shrugging his shoulder and walking away. “I don’t want you comforting me.”

He’s not sure how much of that is true and how much of it is a lie. He’s not quite sure of anything.

—

The fourth time happens later the same day, and from that point forward, Fenris stops keeping count.

It eats him up: the hatred, the anger, the fear, the guilt. He can’t stop replaying the scene in his head—Hadriana’s last words, the feel of Hawke’s hand on his shoulder, the poison he spit at a man who has done nothing but help him. What has magic touched that it doesn’t spoil?

He waits for Hawke at the estate, where Bodahn greets him cheerfully and treats him far kinder than he deserves. When Hawke arrives, Fenris forces himself to look him in the eye when he apologizes, despite the way it teeters on the brink of showing vulnerability.

“I had no idea where you went. I was concerned,” Hawke says. His voice is soft, but instead of bothering Fenris, this time it just fills him with awe. To have someone worry about him, to have someone care...it’s an unfamiliar sensation.

“I...needed to be alone,” Fenris says dismissively, but that doesn’t feel like enough of a justification, so he tries to make Hawke understand. He talks about the way Hadriana used to treat him, hoping it’ll explain everything he was feeling when he found her in those damned caves.

Partway through an explanation—about hate, about running—it occurs to Fenris that he’s kind of spilling his guts. Instinctively, he forces himself to stop talking, to curl back into his shell, to run away before he goes too far. There’s a large part of him that longs for something more, but he tries his best to choke it down, just like he’s been doing for years now. Turning his back to Hawke and starting to make his way to the door, he sighs and says, “But I didn’t come here to burden you further.”

Hawke’s voice floats over to him, quiet and laced with something Fenris can’t quite identify. “You don’t need to leave, Fenris.”

When Hawke’s hand wraps around the bare skin of his upper arm, the lyrium inside him screams at the sensation. His markings burn blue, and without thinking, he whips around, grabbing Hawke and shoving him up against the nearest wall. Hawke stares at him in shock, and it’s only then that Fenris realizes what he’s doing. Slowly, he uncurls his lip, and the lyrium in his veins seems to calm down, the blue fading from his skin.

For a moment that seems to last an eternity, they both just look at each other, everything silent save for the sound of their breaths. Then Hawke leans forward, lightly gripping Fenris’s arms, and kisses him.

When Hawke touches him, it’s different. There’s still pain—there’s always pain—but for the first time, pleasure outweighs it. When Hawke kisses his neck, his jawline, his collarbone, his skin tingles and aches with wanting. When Hawke flips him around and pushes him against the wall, Fenris simply pulls him closer.

And when they reach Hawke’s bed and the clothes fall off, Fenris lets Hawke’s lips trail down his body, fingers tracing his markings. “Are you alright?” Hawke whispers between kisses, softly running a hand through Fenris’s hair. “Does it hurt?”

“I am fine,” Fenris replies, and for just a moment—one tiny, blissful moment—it’s the truth.

—

It’s three years before they touch again.

When Fenris leaves, it feels like self-imposed exile. He should’ve known that letting someone get too close—both physically and emotionally—would only end in pain for both of them. They don’t talk about it at all, but though Fenris tries to act like it didn’t even happen, he can’t erase the memory of Hawke’s hands, of his lips.

Things change again. Hawke defeats the Arishok, becomes the Champion. Knight-Commander Meredith Stannard takes control of Kirkwall in the wake of the viscount’s death. Fenris follows up on Hadriana’s information and finds, to his surprise, that it’s all true: he really does have a sister named Varania.

It’s a risk, sending her enough coin for her to meet him. He knows this, and it eats at him even after Hawke agrees to come with him. He hasn’t seen Danarius for nine years now. There’s no way his former master would give up so easily.

And yet, he dares to hope. He has a sister—he has family—so maybe not all is lost after all.

When they meet at the Hanged Man, things are good for only a moment. To be able to remember her, to recall instances of his childhood for the first time since the lyrium was stuck under his skin, to know his real name—for just a moment, he has the audacity to dream.

It shouldn’t shock him as much as it does to hear his master’s voice again. It’s what he’s been waiting for. It was always inevitable—but reminding himself of this does nothing to stop the fear that pierces him down to his bones.

With Hawke by his side, he fights, and he wins, and he’s finally able to grab the man who ruined him and crush his vile heart—to look him in the eye and tell him, words like venom, “You are no longer my master.”

It’s Hawke who stops him from killing Varania, and when Fenris starts to spiral, it’s Hawke who steps forward, who looks him in the eye and says, “I’m here, Fenris.”

They’re so close, and everything hurts, but Fenris almost reaches out and touches him—almost. For a long moment, he doesn’t say anything; he just stares at Hawke, the man he loved and lost—or thought he lost—and then he turns away, his head swimming. There may be no past for him to reclaim...but perhaps there is a future.

The next day, when Hawke comes to talk to him, Fenris confesses his mixed feelings. It feels wrong not to be running and fighting, as if he suddenly lacks purpose, but Hawke points out that perhaps it just means he no longer has anything holding him back. The thought of finally being able to move forward is both terrifying and freeing in its uncertainty.

When Hawke tells him that he hopes they’ll stay together, it finally gives Fenris the courage to stand up and say something about the thing they’ve both been dancing around.

Once again, Fenris spills his guts, and this time he doesn’t back down in fear; he doesn’t care if it makes him vulnerable. He can’t live the rest of his life without letting Hawke know how he feels, without asking for forgiveness. His heart pounds in his chest, and he forces himself to make eye contact.

Hawke watches and listens the way he always does, and finally he says, ever patient, ever genuine, “I understand. I always understood.”

Fenris almost can’t believe what he’s hearing. It seems surreal for the man he left to forgive him so easily, to love him after everything. He takes a few steps forward, leans down so that his face is only inches from Hawke’s, and says, “If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side.”

In response, Hawke stands up, wrapping his arms around Fenris’s waist. When they kiss, it tastes of passion and years of longing, and Fenris tangles his gauntleted fingers in Hawke’s hair. Hawke kisses him harder and deeper, and Fenris just holds him that much tighter, an anchor in a sea of uncertainties. The touch that he once shied away from, he now can’t get enough of—and when Hawke’s hands grip his bare skin, the lyrium doesn’t scream like it used to.

#dragon age #dragon age 2 #dragon age ii #da2 #fenhawke #fenris #hawke #male hawke #my fics

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pellaaearien · 7 years

Text

WIP Week, Day One: oldest WIP

Well, my oldest WIP is still Unbound, a Dragon Age fic in which Fenris accidentally discovers that Hawke, a mage, is a masochist, and the implications it has for their relationship. I’ll get back to it one day. This is all still Act I stuff, post-Feynriel.

Fandom: Dragon Age Pairing: f!Fenhawke Words: 1567 Rating: T

Definitely regret. He should have known better than to doubt his instincts.

Fenris could scarcely believe his ears. Hawke was blithely sending the mage boy – a Maker-be-damned somniari – to the Dalish, essentially the equivalent of letting him run free into the sunset, without even taking the precaution of escorting him there. No, Hawke was too busy bonding with the walking time bomb (I am you, indeed – was he truly the only inhabitant of Thedas able to detect Hawke's magic?) to employ basic common sense.

“Because no Dalish mage ever went astray,” was all he could find to say, eyeing the Dalish blood mage standing beside Varric. Hawke just rolled her eyes at him, making him bristle even further.

It was unfathomable, how he could find such unexpected support and chest-splitting frustration in the same woman.

“All right, Fenris. Let me have it,” Hawke said, after the boy had gone. She stood before him in an attentive posture, but her willingness to submit to his tirade after the fact only stoked his anger – while at the same time less willing to take it out on her. He had no desire to expend energy after wasted effort.

“No, Hawke.” His voice sounded weary. He hadn't been keeping up with his conditioning, if two bouts with slavers had tired him so. “If it is your wish to turn the mage loose with no supervision, so be it. It is done. Should the decision result in tragedy, no doubt you shall be called upon in any event.” He defeated the impulse to drop his gaze. Anger flashed across Hawke's face, to be quickly replaced by annoyance.

“Fenris, Feynriel wanted to go to the Dalish. He's not going to go haring off to the Anderfels. He wants to learn to control his powers. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. I'll write Marethari later to check on him.”

She was planning to follow up, Fenris thought, ignoring Merrill shifting awkwardly. That was... unexpected. Still unconscionably irresponsible, but less so than what he'd come to expect from Hawke.

As Hawke proclaimed her desire to vacate the cave (and wilderness in general), Fenris found himself falling in beside Merrill, as Hawke fawned over Varric and the bullshit he'd made the slavers buy.

“You know, she could hardly force Feynriel into a Circle when she's an apostate herself,” Merrill said conversationally. Fenris wondered if his loathing was truly unapparent to the diminutive mage or whether she was simply willfully oblivious. Either way, it set his teeth on edge. “Keeper Marethari will take good care of him.” There was a note of sadness in her tone, but it only made Fenris angry that he'd heard it.

“And maybe she could teach him blood magic and you can all summon demons together,” he snarled, ignoring the fact that she was right. Merrill wasted no time telling him so, in the same wounded, dignified air that made him want to throw her from a cliff and see what demon would save her then.

He restrained the impulse and walked the remainder of the way in silence. The deaths of a few dozen slavers did not outweigh the consequences of unleashing a potential abomination on the world. Something had to give, and soon.

And something did, very soon as it turned out. A few days later, at the mansion, Fenris was startled out of his thoughts by a knock at his door. He knew it was Hawke even before he opened it, though it could potentially have been Isabela, or Varric, or even Aveline.

“Hawke?” It became a question at the last moment upon seeing Hawke's bedraggled state. “It is raining.”

She raised her eyes to the sky as if in awe. “So it is! I'd never have known!” She gave him such a look that Fenris was forced to hide his laugh. He caught Hawke glancing at his mouth, where he could not prevent a curling of his lips, and was abruptly flustered.

“Come in,” he offered belatedly, stepping aside to allow Hawke entry.

“My thanks, kind ser,” she replied, glib tongue still in full effect, and Fenris knew something was amiss. He had seen a softer, genuine side of Hawke, different from what she presented to the world, when she'd come to speak to him after the incident with Anso. Oh, her tongue was still whetted sharp as his blade, but it cut with intent. This was her mask, this deflection. Hawke was ill at ease.

No, he amended, following her jerky motions, the way she made herself big to distract from the self, Hawke was afraid.

She was also shivering, and it was then Fenris realized how cold the room had gotten.

“The bedroom has a fire going. It would be warmer,” he stated. If his voice came out slightly wooden, Hawke seemed not to notice.

“Yes,” she said automatically, but made no move towards the stairs until Fenris did. They moved in silence through the front hall save for the squelching noise as Hawke left a dripping trail behind them. Fenris didn't mind – it was probably the cleanest the floor had ever been.

In the bedroom, the fire had burned down. Hawke flicked her fingers and stoked the blaze high before remembering, looking to Fenris uncertainly. He kept his face carefully neutral as he went to the wardrobe. She'd done no harm, and indeed had saved him effort. That she'd even thought to ask permission touched him.

Locating what he sought, he turned back to Hawke. She hadn't moved any further into the room, as though it were she who hated the magical fire in the grate, her face disconcertingly blank. He willed himself to patience. First things first.

“Put this on,” he said, holding out his spare tunic. “Lay out your other things to dry. I will return in a moment.”

Reactionless Hawke worried him far more than sarcastic Hawke. He placed his offering on the chair back and retreated.

Wine. If it had ever been required more, he could not think of the occasion. It also gave him something with which to occupy himself while Hawke was naked – changing – in his room.

Bottle in hand, he approached cautiously – surely Hawke had finished by now – and absolutely did not peer around the door jamb to see Hawke settled on the hearth, her clothes laid out to dry... and cocooned in his blanket.

That, he did not expect, but he found it did not trouble him.

“Hawke,” he said, and she startled, though he'd been careful to make plenty of noise.

“Oh- sorry. I sort of took it without asking.” She indicated her acquisition with a shrug. Fenris was relieved to hear her speak.

“I do not mind. What brings you here?” From what he'd seen, this was not a business call. He thought he'd kept his voice neutral, but Hawke still shrank from him ever so slightly. He proffered the wine instead.

Hawke inclined her head, took a sip. Her hair glinted in the light from the flames. “I. Um. I gave Varric the last of the gold today. The expedition is officially funded.”

Fenris' eyebrows rose. “I congratulate you, Hawke.” Her tone of false levity had been anything but celebratory, so he was likewise uneffusive. He'd known she was close, but she'd given no indication of how close. “I would have thought you'd be celebrating with Varric.” He was still careful. Hawke struck him like nothing so much as a spooked horse.

She let out a startling bark of laughter. “I'm scared, Fenris,” she said flatly. “I need this so much and I've worked so hard for it, we've all worked, but it was easier as this... future goal. Now it's here, it's real, and it's the blasted Deep Roads, and I'm terrified.”

And she'd come to him. Fenris didn't think he'd spoken aloud but Hawke barrelled on. “Varric's busy with planning and my family can't see me having second thoughts – like I could be scared in front of Carver – and Aveline has work and Merrill... wouldn't understand and Anders hates the Deep Roads just as much and, well, I don't know Isabela.”

...I don't trust Isabela. Fenris heard the unspoken. But she did trust him. What was that supposed to mean?

“Gratifying to know I'm the last resort,” he teased, keeping his voice gentle. Somehow, all he wished was to coax the smile back to Hawke's face.

“Well, you know. I might have interrupted a good brooding session. I had to make sure I had a good reason.”

He let out a little sigh, looking at her with his best long-suffering expression, and was rewarded with a brief twitch of her lips. Teasing Hawke was much better. Trouble was, he had no clue of how to further comfort her. Hawke was Hawke. She waltzed where all others feared to tread, so it followed that when she was afraid of something, the feeling was justified. Such was the case here. The Deep Roads were objectively terrifying, the threat of darkspawn only lessened, not eliminated, after a Blight. It was comparable to an attempt to navigate a minefield with only half a map, rather than none. In lieu of a response, he held out the bottle. Hawke accepted it from him with a smirk, taking a long swig before passing it back.

#wip week #oldest wip #dragon age #f!fenhawke #unbound #pella writes

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