#allfanfic

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 48

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

The bright December sun poured through the windscreen of Alex’s car, warming Nick’s face as he stared idly out the window. 

Despite his calm demeanor, Nick’s mind was racing. They were on their way to yet another medical appointment, something that had become routine for them over the last month. Nick hated going to the doctor. Any doctor. The unforgiving fluorescent lighting, the white walls, the sterile smell, the way everyone around looked so sad for Nick. He’d had enough. He just wanted to be better. But it didn’t seem like he ever would be. 

“You alright?” The car had come to a stop, Nick realized, and Alex had placed his left hand atop Nick’s right. Nick turned his gaze to Alex and forced a smile.

“Oh...I’m fine.”

Alex frowned as he lightly ran his fingertips across Nick’s knuckles. “Fine?” Nick hmmed in response. “Aren’t you excited? They might clear you to stop wearing the mask today!” Alex was always good at retaining the deluge of information that the doctors and nurses had given Nick during his recovery, and he had been looking forward to this day for weeks. He was (somewhat selfishly) excited about the prospect of finally being able to kiss Nick again, but he was also looking forward to Nick regaining his independence, freedom from his reliance on a machine to control his breathing.

“Yeah…” Nick said, pausing before quietly adding, “...No. I’m not. I’m scared.”

“Oh, Nick,” Alex whispered, squeezing Nick’s hand as he hit the accelerator when the light flashed to green. “Everything is going to be fine. I’m sure.” 

Nick said nothing, trying to focus on the warmth of Alex’s reassuring hand atop his. Logically, he knew that he had come a long way since the day he had come home from the hospital, but his anxious brain could only think of what he still couldn’t do. He couldn’t walk long distances without becoming exhausted. He couldn’t breathe on his own for more than a few hours. He couldn’t bathe alone, or cook for himself, or sleep by himself without Alex staying with him to make sure that he was still alive. That was the worst thing of all, Nick thought, the way Alex had completely uprooted his life to take care of him day in and day out, somehow managing to fit in schoolwork and errands and taking care of Steckrübe on top of everything else. Would Alex be okay with having to do this every day, forever? If Nick didn’t get better, he knew he would be stuck in their flat forever, never again able to play a show or go to class or go places with his friends. And Alex would have to follow suit. Nick couldn’t do that to Alex...but he wouldn’t have a choice. Alex wouldn’t want to take care of him, he would break up with him, and Nick would be alone yet again.

The car jolted to a stop again, this time in a space in the car park, the grey medical building looming before them. 

“Want to roll there?” Alex asked as he waited for Nick to step out of the car.

Nick stepped out of the car and shakily shut the door. “I can walk.”

“You’re sure?” Nick nodded before almost losing his balance. Alex instinctively grabbed Nick’s waist to steady him. “Are you absolutely sure you don’t need to roll?”

“I’m fine.” Nick wasn’t feeling fine, but he forced himself to soldier on. Alex kept one hand on Nick’s lower back as they made their way up the sidewalk. By the time they had reached the front door, Alex’s arms were firmly wrapped around Nick’s chest as his legs threatened to give out beneath him. 

Alex stumbled through the automatic doors and sat Nick down in a chair in the waiting room so he could talk to a receptionist. Nick sank into his seat, slumping down far enough to rest his head on the back of the chair. The room spun around him even when he closed his eyes. His chest ached, like his lung was going to collapse again at any moment. 

Nick only opened his eyes when Alex sat down next to him. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Nick blinked and tried to catch his breath.

“I brought you water,” Alex handed Nick a bottle of water. “Can you open it?”

Nick nodded and opened the bottle. As soon as he took a sip, he was called for his appointment. As he trudged down the hall to the exam room, he held onto Alex with one arm and the wall with the other.

When they made it to the exam room, Nick immediately collapsed onto the bench he was supposed to sit on. Alex sighed and lifted him to sit on it. “Are you feeling alright?”

Nick nodded and leaned against the wall. This wasn’t going to go well.

The doctor came into the room a few minutes later and both Alex and Nick greeted her hesitantly. Alex was nervous now. Nick could tell.

“Could you take off your mask, please?” The doctor asked, ready to assess Nick’s breathing. Nick pulled the mask off, once again hesitating, scared of the possible negative outcome.

The doctor then listened to Nick’s breathing with her stethoscope, running the cold metal over his chest and back. Nick made sure to try to keep it as even as he could. Even the slightest flaw could stop him from being cleared. He put the mask back on after she was done.

“I think we should do an x-ray,” the doctor suggested, “is that ok?” Nick nodded and looked over at Alex, who gave a thumbs up of approval. “Come right this way,” she said, sliding the exam room door open and heading down the hall.

Nick glanced nervously at Alex and slid himself off the table, his legs wobbling. He took a hesitant step, his hand still firmly planted against the counter, and then another. Alex reached out for him, but Nick shook his head. He stepped again and again, small steps, making his way to the door slowly but surely.

The doctor reappeared in the doorway. “Right this w-” she began, trailing off as she locked eyes with Nick, his hand braced on the wall, his legs dangerously close to giving out again. 

“... I’ll go get you a wheelchair,” the doctor rushed off and returned a few moments later. Nick hesitated to sit down, not wanting to accept his weakness.

Luckily, or unluckily, for Alex, Nick’s walking abilities were to be assessed as soon as he returned from his x-ray.

“Well… you’re walking,” the doctor reassured Nick after he wobbled across the room, “that’s a good thing. But you’re not balanced at all when you walk…”

Nick nodded, acknowledging that he was always afraid of toppling over whenever he took more than a couple steps without support.

"But that's okay. We can get you a pair of crutches for that."

Nick's ears perked up at the suggestion. Crutches? He was strong enough for crutches? He nodded vigorously. "Okay." 

The doctor left the room to look for a pair of crutches. Nick wobbled back to the bench and tried to hop up to sit on it. 

“Let’s hope this helps, yeah?” Alex remarked cheerily as he helped Nick onto the bench. Nick nodded again, a bit nervous. What if he wasn’t strong enough?

The doctor came back a few minutes later, holding a pair of crutches. Nick tensed up when he saw them. It was happening. He did his best to let his body relax as the doctor slipped the cuffs around his arms and showed him how to properly hold the handles. 

“You got it, Nick?” Alex asked as Nick cautiously slid down from the bench. Nick nodded and steadied himself. He took one slow step, then a second. This wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t great, either - but he was upright and walking. His shoulders were scrunched and his elbows bent awkwardly outwards as he made his way to the door, then turned around and walked back to the bench.

The doctor nodded her approval. “Great. Before you leave, we’ll get a nurse to adjust the height of those. I can see that they’re a little too tall for you.” Alex inadvertently let out a small snort of laughter and Nick looked at him, brows furrowed. “The x-ray results should be back by now… let me go check!”

When the doctor left the room, Nick looked up at Alex. “Why’d you laugh just now?”

“Well… You are quite short, Nick. But it’s cute. You’re cute!” Alex playfully rubbed his hand across Nick’s upper back. Nick smiled faintly. He was proud to have graduated to using crutches, but the nagging fear of not being cleared still clouded his mind. He couldn’t let his guard down just yet. 

The doctor returned with the x-ray photos in her hand. Her white coat swished as she shut the door and strode over to the x-ray screen, flicking on the switch. “Well, Nick,” she smiled, “I’ve got some good news. Your lung is fully healed!”

Nick grinned, but was still unsure of what that meant. It sure didn’t feel healed.

“The punctured part has been completely patched up. If you look here-” She hung the x-ray on the screen and gestured to one area. “-the puncture from falling on the barrier is totally gone. There was a hole here on the first x-rays we took, but not anymore!”

Nick wanted to know why he still felt so much pain and weakness if he was as “healed” as the doctor claimed, but couldn’t find the words. Alex spoke up, as though reading his mind. “So, what exactly does that mean?”

“It means that his lungs are fully functioning again and he can breathe independently. There’s no chance of air escaping and causing his lung to collapse again. So,” she said with a smile, turning her attention back to Nick, “that means you don’t need to wear the mask anymore! You can always put it on if you feel like you need it, considering your lungs are still weak. But you are in the clear!”

A smile spread across Nick’s face again, this time for real. He was cleared. He was better. He wasn’t confined to the flat anymore. He had...survived. If he was physically able, he would have jumped for joy, but instead settled on kicking the air gently with excitement.

Alex nudged Nick’s shoulder and tapped the mask. When Nick turned to look at him, Alex carefully lifted the mask off his face and pulled the straps out of his hair. Nick blinked rapidly and took his first real deep breath in months. “Thanks,” he said with an appreciative smile. 

“Does this mean I can leave the flat now?” Nick asked, silently hoping that the doctor wasn’t aware that he had actually left the flat already.

“That should be fine! Just take it easy, okay?” 

Once the crutches had been adjusted and Nick had been handed a fresh pile of instructions and paperwork, the boys made their way out to Alex’s car. As Alex readjusted the ventilator in his hands, he stole a glance at Nick, who looked fully content for the first time since Alex had met him. He was practically glowing, his smile spreading wider and wider across his face. His blue eyes were brighter than ever. He was practically bouncing with every step. Alex wanted nothing more than to grab him right then and there and kiss him within an inch of his life, but he decided it was better to save that for when they weren’t in public. He watched as Nick walked steadily to the car, taking it slow, not afraid of falling or passing out. Alex could tell Nick was tired, though, as he leaned against the car door, waiting for Alex to unlock it.

Nick slid into his seat as Alex opened the back door to toss Nick’s crutches into the pile of trash and random medical papers that spilled off the seat. I really need to clean, he thought to himself as he shoved a sketchbook out of the way to set the ventilator down. That could come later, though. Nick was waiting. Alex smiled as he shut the door and opened his own. He couldn’t wait to get home and kiss Nick for the first time in forever.

Alex climbed into his seat and looked over at Nick with a smile before putting the car in reverse and slowly beginning to pull out of the parking space. Alex’s neck was twisted to the right, checking for oncoming traffic, when he practically jumped out of his skin as he felt something wrap around him. He whipped his head around to find himself nose to nose with Nick, whose arms were already around Alex’s shoulders. Nick took a shaky breath and smashed his lips into Alex’s, pulling himself further across the armrest. Alex fumbled around for the gearstick, blindly returning the car to park before awkwardly wrapping his own arms around Nick’s back. Nick felt so small and fragile, like he was going to crumble in Alex's arms. It was a sharp contrast to the strength with which Nick was kissing Alex, his breathing heavy, his tongue pressing into Alex's mouth, one hand on Alex's back and one hand fisted in his hair.

Alex had never seen Nick like this before. He'd never gotten a chance to, before the accident had torn them apart for so long. Alex pulled Nick as close as he could, feeling his pounding heart as their chests pressed together. Nick was making soft noises now, gasping and sighing and moaning quietly. Alex couldn't help but respond with his own sounds as he kissed him back furiously. Nick's lips were chapped from the cold and being stuck behind the mask for weeks and weeks, but Alex didn't mind. He had been denied the pleasure, the warmth of Nick's breath and the taste of his lips for far too long.

"Alex," Nick breathed, finally pulling back from the kiss, pressing his forehead to Alex's. He was nearly panting, trying to catch his breath, but he was grinning from ear to ear. "I love you so much...I missed this so much."

"I love you too," Alex murmured, running his hand up and down Nick's cheek before pulling him in for another, more gentle kiss. Nick tried to deepen it the best he could, but his breathing was more shallow now, his lungs struggling to keep up. Alex sensed this and broke the kiss, helping Nick pull himself across the armrest and into Alex's lap. They stayed like that for a few moments, Nick straddling Alex's legs, Alex rubbing Nick's back as his breathing slowly came back under his control. Nick tightened his hold on Alex and laughed quietly. "What?" Alex asked.

Nick shook his head, too overwhelmed for words. "I...just...I love you. So much, schatz."

Alex giggled at the pet name. "Love you too, Nitzki," he said, running his hands up Nick's sides now. Alex continued to hold him, calming him down, until he realized they were still technically in public and their car was halfway out of the parking space. Normally he would have cared that they were making out in a place where anyone could see, but his brain was so overwhelmed with emotion that he'd lost all of his rational thoughts.

“Ready to go home, Nick?” 

Nick nodded, his arms tightening around Alex as he pressed himself flush against Alex's body. "One more?" he asked shyly, ghosting his lips against Alex's.

Alex smiled and pulled Nick close, their lips gently meeting once again.

[ishouldgetatumbler]

More Flan fiction.

It’s only now occurs to me that I don’t know why I’m posting this.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 48.5 (aka the Nilex Date Oneshot)

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Allegra

—

Nick was still getting used to being off the ventilator. It had only been a few hours, but it was already easier for him to breathe on his own. As he wobbled around the flat, happy just to be back on his feet, Alex stopped him.

“I think we should go on a real date, Nick. It’s about time.”

Nick grinned and blushed. “Yeah. It’s time.”

“I think I know a good restaurant we could go to tonight,” Alex smiled and reached for the phone, “I’ll make a reservation.”

Nick nodded and went to sit on the couch, his legs tired from walking around the flat. He threw his crutches aside. A date. At a restaurant. Nick thought back to the last time he’d been anywhere fancy, which was… never. He had gotten so used to eating cheese sandwiches with Lukas that Alex’s home cooked meals deserved Michelin stars.

"Alright, we're all set for 7:30!" Alex walked back into the room and set his phone on the table. "Want to go get ready?"

"Get ready?" Nick asked, looking down at his hoodie-and-jeans combo. "We're not ready?"

"We have to dress up! Come on!" Alex bounded off to the bedroom. Nick grabbed his crutches and followed behind as best as he could.

Nick rummaged around his bedroom for a proper outfit, but didn’t know what to look for. What about what he wore onstage? That should be good enough.

“Uh… I don’t think that’s a good look for tonight,” Alex laughed softly as Nick came out of his bedroom in a red and blue patterned shirt and white dress pants. “You look like the flag of the UK.”

Nick frowned slightly and began to retreat back into his room, wobbling a bit on his crutches from standing for so long.

“No, wait, I’ll help you.” Alex followed Nick, holding Nick's shoulders as he sat down carefully on the bed and leaned his crutches against the wall. "You get undressed and I'll look in your closet."

"Trying to get me naked?" Nick said with an impish grin. Alex raised his eyebrows. Nick was flirting? This was new and unexpected. And nice.

"And what if I am?" Alex attempted to wiggle his eyebrows at Nick, who simply giggled and began unbuttoning his shirt. Alex turned back to the closet and the task at hand. He shuffled through Nick’s clothes, trying to find something that would work. Although he and Nick had gone out to look for clothes before he was injured, he still couldn’t find much in Nick’s closet.

Nick watched Alex from the bed, worried that his rummaging hands would come across a stray bottle cap or straw that he pocketed somewhere. He didn't want Alex to find out and throw it away.

“Hm… I think you have some pants in here that would go well with one of my shirts,” Alex suggested, tossing a pair of pants to Nick. “I’ll be right back.”

Alex went to his room and pulled out a light blue shirt from his closet. It was a bit small on him, anyway, and Nick would probably like it. He returned to Nick's room, holding the shirt up in front of his face triumphantly. "What do you think?"

"Good..." Nick said softly. Alex lowered his hands and only then did he realize that while Nick had removed his pants with no trouble, his shirt still hung unbuttoned on his shoulders.

"Oh...do you need help?"

Nick nodded, looking slightly ashamed. "It hurts to lift them..."

Alex got right to work, slipping the red and blue shirt off his arms and replacing it with the pale blue one.

Nick smiled when he saw his finished outfit. After two months of dressing for bed, Nick was happy to be wearing something a bit more classy. He stood up and took a few wobbly steps to the mirror, his face lighting up at the sight. "Thanks," he said. "I love it."

Alex came up behind Nick and wrapped his arms around him. "You look amazing," he said with a small smile. He grabbed Nick by the waist and turned him around, meeting his gaze and pulling him in for a kiss. Nick made the softest, sweetest noise that Alex had ever heard and his heart melted. This was nothing like the way Nick had attacked Alex in the car earlier, but it still felt so right. Alex loved Nick. And right now, he needed to show him.

"Love you," Nick breathed, as if reading Alex's mind. He locked his arms around Alex's waist and kissed him back deeply.

After a few minutes of kissing, holding, touching, Alex broke away. "I need to go get dressed or we're never going to leave this flat." He grinned and gave Nick one more kiss on the cheek before heading to his own room. Nick plopped himself back on the bed to rest, his face flushed.

Alex came back a few minutes later to get Nick to bring him to the car. “Are you ready?”

Nick nodded excitedly and grinned up at Alex. He admired Alex's pink shirt and black tie, tucked loosely into skinny black trousers. Alex helped him up and handed him his crutches.

“If you get tired, just let me know,” he said softly, kissing Nick’s forehead.

They made their way down to the car slowly, but Alex assured Nick that they would make it to their reservation on time. Nick was out of breath by the time they reached the car.

"Want me to bring your wheelchair just in case?" Alex asked. At Nick's nod, Alex dashed back inside, returning a few moments later with the chair. He helped Nick into the passenger seat and placed the wheelchair in the back like so many times before.

“You did a great job getting down here,” Alex smiled as he reached to squeeze Nick’s hand. Nick smiled back, though he was puzzled as to why Alex was telling him this. Did he do a great job? He didn't feel like he had. He hadn't been able to get to the car without losing his breath. He hadn't even been able to change his own shirt. He probably didn't even deserve to be going on this date. Nick bit his lip and willed his anxiety to disappear. He squeezed Alex's hand back without saying anything.

By the time they arrived at the fanciest Japanese restaurant around, Nick had caught his breath and was ready to go. He opted for his crutches and off they went.

Nick immediately froze when they walked in. There were so many people, all looking so comfortable and happy… Alex looked confident as well. Somehow, Nick just hadn’t accepted that going out for dinner was a normal thing to do. He sighed to shake his bad thoughts away and tried to see the bright side. He was spending time with Alex and had finally made it out of the flat. You're being silly, he thought to himself. Everything is fine.

As the hostess led them through the restaurant, Nick could feel all eyes on him as he slowly hobbled along on his crutches. They were all staring at him, he knew it. They thought he was weird. They were going to laugh about him after he passed by.

Nick was already out of breath by the time they reached the table. The ambient lighting and loud atmosphere didn’t help, either. He was overwhelmed, and Alex could see it. Did he make the right decision by bringing Nick on a date so soon after he was cleared?

Nick watched as the waitress filled up his glass with water. It swirled and bubbled in the glass, and Nick was so thirsty from walking so far. But… he couldn’t bring himself to drink it. Alex looked at Nick and took a sip from his glass, trying to signal that it was ok to drink it. Nick picked up his glass and took a small sip. Everything was ok. He smiled and drank more, managing to drink the whole thing before Alex even drank half of his.

“What do you think you’re going to order, Nick?” Alex asked from across the table, looking happy and just a bit too comfortable being out of the flat.

Nick looked down at the menu. The words were all jumbled and the lack of pictures didn’t help. He looked back up at Alex and shrugged.

“What are you in the mood for?”

Nick thought for a moment, not used to having a choice. “Noodles? Pasta?” he said quietly.

Alex smiled and directed Nick to the udon section of the menu, “I think you’ll like udon!”

“Oh...okay…” Nick studied the page, reading the descriptions of all of the dishes but not retaining any of them. The words all blended together, swirling around. He decided that he would just have to trust Alex’s judgment.

The waitress returned a few minutes later and looked at them expectantly. Nick followed what Alex was doing and closed his menu. He tried to take a deep breath as he prepared himself to order. “Can I...have...udon? Please?” Nick said softly. He looked up at Alex, afraid that he had done something wrong. Alex gave him an encouraging nod.

“Okay, what kind?” Nick froze. He actually had done something wrong. Trying his hardest not to panic, he opened the menu to the udon section again. The words still weren’t making sense. He had no idea what to do.

“Miso udon,” Alex said calmly, looking at Nick. “I think you’ll like that.” The waitress nodded. Nick stared at Alex, wanting to thank him but not finding the words fast enough. “I’ll have the same.”

The waitress jotted the order down. “And to drink?”

“Water is fine for both of us. And can we also have a rainbow roll?”

“Sure! Your food will be out shortly.”

Nick looked back up at Alex as soon as the waitress walked away, relieved to finally be done ordering.

“That was great!” Alex grinned, trying to encourage Nick to feel more confident about his social skills.

“Really…?” Nick smiled to himself.

“Yeah!” Alex laughed, “you’ve really come so far since I met you. I’m proud of you!”

Nick giggled softly, looking back down at the table. That was a habit he was going to have to break. Back home, showing weakness was a death sentence.

After a few minutes of chatting, Alex’s rainbow roll finally came. Nick observed it, and thought about asking Alex if he could have some. Before he could say anything, Alex split the roll in half and dropped half onto Nick’s plate.

“This is a rainbow roll,” Alex explained, “there’s crab and avocado on the inside and there’s fish on top! Yours have salmon and tuna on top. I saved the more exotic stuff for mine, don’t worry.”

Nick nodded, a bit apprehensive about trying the roll. He looked down at the table and found chopsticks. He looked up at Alex again, confused.

“Like this,” Alex showed Nick how to hold them. After Nick tried and failed, he helped position Nick’s hand. “There.” Nick nodded and carefully lifted a piece of the roll up to his face. He took a moment to inspect it - he'd never had sushi before, but it certainly looked pretty. He attempted to eat a small bite of it before Alex interjected, "It's easier to eat it all at once. You can spit it out if you don't like it. I won't mind."

Nick took one final look before popping the entire piece in his mouth. He chewed carefully. It was like nothing he had ever eaten before, but it was surprisingly good.

“You like it?” Alex asked, beaming.

Nick nodded and gave Alex and thumbs up. He enjoyed getting to try new things with Alex, and food was no exception.

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully, Nick and Alex savoring their sushi and noodles. As it turned out, Alex had been right - Nick loved his miso udon. The salty broth and soft noodles were a delight. It made him feel warm and cozy, a lot like Lukas’s grilled cheese, but definitely much better. It was comforting.

Alex slipped his arm around Nick’s waist as they made their way back out to the car. Nick awkwardly craned his neck to press a kiss against Alex’s shoulder. Alex giggled and gave Nick a squeeze. “I’m so glad we can finally go on dates,” he said, fumbling around in his coat pocket with his free hand.

“Me too,” Nick replied, shivering slightly as a breeze hit them. “Let’s do it again soon?”

“Of course!” Alex finally pulled his car keys out of his pocket. “But this date isn’t over…”

“It’s not? Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” Alex smiled as he unlocked the passenger door for Nick.

The buildings and trees and traffic lights whizzed by as Alex drove them down roads that Nick had never seen before. Even though he had lived in the city for nearly half a year, there was still so much of Glasgow that Nick hadn’t gotten to explore yet, particularly since he had barely been outside for the last two months. Nick watched as the city lights turned into fields and blinking cell towers. Finally. Alex flicked on the radio and smiled as Heavy Metal Drummer by Wilco faded in.

“Y’know, Nick, I think I fell in love with a drummer too,” Alex grinned as he tapped along to the beat of the song.

Nick looked up quizzically, wondering if Alex had finally found someone else to love.

“Well, wasn’t that the instrument you wanted to play in the band at first?” He laughed and reached over to squeeze Nick’s hand.

Nick nodded and laughed, eyes sparkling. “I’m in love with…” Nick looked up at Alex, his face glowing in the streetlights and the moonlight, “you.”

Alex lifted Nick’s hand and kissed it. “And I’m in love with you, Nitzki.”

Nick hummed softly and leaned back in his seat. “Where are we going, anyway? There’s nothing out here…”

“You’ll see,” Alex said again. “Be patient.” Nick nodded and continued staring out the window.

A few minutes later, Alex turned into a small car park off the side of the road. The area was quiet and still - and very, very dark, Nick noticed, aside from a couple of street lamps illuminating the parking area. Nick took a deep breath of the frigid winter air as he climbed out of the car, situating himself on his crutches. He had missed this.

“Ready?” Alex asked as he walked around the side of the car, holding a blanket that he had retrieved from the boot.

“Yeah…” Nick said, hesitantly. “I’m not really sure what I’m ready for…”

“Remember that night we were looking out the window and you told me that you’ve never gone stargazing before?”

“Stargazing!” Nick yelled, slightly taken aback at just how loud his voice was. He grinned and walked over to Alex, placing a firm kiss on his lips. “Let’s go!”

“Alright!” They walked across the car park and into a worn path in a field. As they approached the large hill looming above them, Nick looked up nervously. “It’s really steep…”

Alex looked up too. “Okay...well...do you think you can walk? I’ll hold you up…”

Nick took a deep breath and nodded. He wasn’t entirely sure if he could, but he also wasn’t going to let this night be a complete failure.

Alex shifted the blanket to his left arm and placed his right around Nick’s shoulders. “You got it,” he reassured him. They began to walk, slowly but steadily up the hill. Alex tried to sense how Nick was feeling, gauging when he needed to slow down to give Nick a break.

Alex was thrilled that Nick was walking at all, let alone up a hill in the middle of the night. No sooner had this thought formed in his mind than Nick suddenly stumbled and nearly toppled over backwards. Alex wrapped both of his arms around Nick now, holding him tighter. “Are you alright?!”

Nick felt dazed as he stopped to catch his breath. “Yeah...I’m fine.” He pressed on, leaning back into Alex’s embrace for support.

Once they reached the top, Alex spread the blanket across the grass and sat. Nick plopped down beside him, laying his crutches in the grass. Nick paused for a moment to admire the view. In the distance, he could just barely make out the city lights of Glasgow. Above them lay only stars.

Alex scooted closer to Nick, then wrapped the edge of the blanket over them as best as he could. The two of them laid quietly for a while, taking in the night sky and the cold December air. Alex snuggled against Nick's side and wrapped his arms around Nick. Nick reached up with his left hand and clutched Alex's tightly. They exchanged soft kisses as they snuggled. As content as Nick was, happier than he had been in months, he still felt himself beginning to shiver furiously.

Alex pulled the blanket tightly around them. "Alright?" he asked. "We can go back to the car if you need to…"

Nick shook his head. "Want to stay…"

"Me too," Alex replied, smiling. He slipped a leg over Nick's, seeking any sort of contact. Anything to make sure Nick was okay. He gave Nick a kiss on his cheek, then on his forehead. "Do you know how much I love you?"

Nick beamed and reached to snuggle Alex. “Not as much as I love you,” Nick murmured and nuzzled Alex gently.

Alex smiled and reached up to stroke Nick’s cheek. When he did, it felt cold. Almost as cold as the air around them. “Ah… Nick?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“You’re ice cold. Are you sure you don’t want to go back to the car?” Nick shook his head and held Alex tighter. His entire body was shivering, but he tried his best to conceal it under the blanket. "Nick... we've got to go." Alex couldn't bear the thought of Nick going back to the hospital again. Maybe this had been a terrible idea. Maybe Alex had inadvertently set Nick's progress back. He stood up suddenly and grabbed Nick's hands to try and pull him up.

“Alex, come on!” Nick felt himself getting frustrated. They had spent all this time struggling to get to the top of the hill and this is how it was going to end? He yanked Alex’s arm, nearly making him topple over.

“Nick,” Alex said quietly. “Please. I don’t want you to get sick again.”

Nick sighed and stood up. Without Alex’s warmth beside him, he suddenly noticed just how much his teeth were chattering. “I always ruin everything.”

“No, no,” Alex said, holding the blanket in a messy bundle against his chest. “Not at all. We’ll go home and have some cocoa and watch a movie. And you can have all the cuddles you want.”

Nick nodded as he leaned into his crutches and began to make his way down the hill, too embarrassed to look at Alex. Even though he knew Alex would make good on his promise to continue the night at home, he still couldn’t help feeling like he had failed.

--

“Nick, we’re home,” Alex said softly as he stroked Nick’s hair, standing outside of the car, waiting for him to wake up.

Nick opened his eyes and blinked a few times, and then looked over to Alex. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. For basically the whole drive,” Alex laughed. “Ready to get out?”

After a warm bath, Nick got dressed again, slipping on clean pajamas and fuzzy socks and one of Alex’s hoodies. He settled himself on the couch as Alex busied himself in the kitchen, eventually returning with two mugs of cocoa, a package of biscuits, and a heating pad, which he tossed into Nick’s lap. “Sorry it’s not too fancy,” he laughed as he set the food and drinks down on the table.

“It doesn’t need to be,” Nick replied, warming his hands beneath the pad. He looked over at Alex as he sat down beside him, his cheeks rosy from the cold and his green eyes sparkling. “Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for everything tonight,” Nick said softly. “I”m sorry I was a jerk before.”

“It’s okay,” Alex replied as he pulled Nick into his arms, kissing his temple. “I know you didn’t want to leave. But we can go back when it’s nicer out, yeah? And maybe we can bring Steck next time, too.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Nick lifted himself up and settled in Alex’s lap, their noses touching. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Alex smiled, pressing his lips to Nick’s.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 46

Written by: Sol, Beth, Allegra

Edited by: Sol, Allegra

Bob woke Paul up in a rush, shoving a suitcase at him. “We have to go in an hour! Start packing!” Bob ran frantically from room to room, gathering more essentials that he would need to bring with him. 

Paul sighed and sat up, pushing the suitcase aside. “Are you feeling alright, Bobbo?”

Bob stopped in his tracks in the doorway. “Why’s that?”

“I’ve never seen you this frantic before.”

“Well, you’ve never seen me pack for a trip then,” Bob laughed to himself as he continued to pack his bag.

“Is this about coming out?”

Bob froze once again. “Uh…yeah. It is.”

Paul smiled as he finally got up. “Aw, don’t worry about it.”

“It’s not that easy,” Bob sighed. “It’s my parents. If they don’t accept me…”

“You’ll always have me if anything goes wrong.”

“But that’s… that’s different,” Bob sighed again. “I don’t want them to think any differently of me, or that I’m not a good son, or…”

Paul nodded, trying to understand Bob’s point of view. Paul had only ever known himself as a bad kid, one who wasn’t going anywhere in life. Being bisexual was nothing on top of being a failure by default.

“Bobbo, you’re the sweetest boy I know. No matter what, they’ll still love you,” Paul advised Bob, trying his best to be supportive. He had no idea what Bob felt like. He couldn’t even imagine it.

—

Once their bags were packed and they had wrangled Alvy into the car, Bob and Paul were ready to head out to Bob’s parents’ home in the countryside.

“Do you miss being back home, Bobbo?” Paul asked, admiring the green fields passing by along the motorway.

“Yeah, I miss how quiet it was.” Glasgow was nice, but Bob missed being able to wander around the fields across the street from his house with Alvy. 

They pulled up to Bob’s parents’ house a short while later. Alvy, who had nestled himself into the blanket on Bob’s backseat for the ride, scrambled into Paul’s lap and began barking. Paul stared at the house in wonder. It looked idyllic, like a painting on the front of a Christmas card. The house’s pale yellow siding and dark green trim stood in stark contrast to the bare trees and brown grass surrounding it. A large wreath with a red bow hung on the front door. The aura of the house was cozy and comforting. Bob had grown up here? Paul thought back to his own upbringing, in a disheveled flat in one of Glasgow’s rougher neighborhoods. It was so quiet here, so unlike the bustling city he grew up with, cars and trains whizzing by on the streets below and blinking lights flashing into his bedroom when he was trying to sleep. Paul looked over at Bob and sighed, a bit envious that he could even go back to his childhood home.

“You ready?” Bob asked, knocking Paul out of his reverie. Paul nodded and opened the door, letting Alvy hop out. “Don’t do anything that would indicate that we’re together in any way until I tell you, alright? For now, you’re just a friend.”

They trekked up to the front door with their suitcases, Bob clutching Alvy’s leash. Before the boys could reach the threshold, the door opened and a smiling face appeared. “Robert!” his mother said as she pulled him in for a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek, which he gratefully accepted. After a few moments, she pulled back and looked Paul up and down, her mouth pulling into a smile once again. “And you must be Paul!”

Paul nodded and awkwardly held out his hand. “Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Hardy.” 

As soon as Paul stepped into the house, he felt out of place, his dark hair and clothes contrasting the pastel colors and cozy furniture around him. Even Alvy matched the warm, comforting interior of the house.

“Is Dad home?” Bob asked. Alvy trotted back and forth in the front hallway, happy to be home.

“He should be in the kitchen. He figured you boys would be hungry after such a long drive. You should go say hi,” Bob’s mother said. Paul felt a pang of jealousy at Bob’s normal relationship with his parents.

“Alright,” Bob said, nearly grabbing Paul’s hand to lead him to the kitchen before thinking better of it. They headed down the hallway side by side.

The kitchen was just as cozy as the rest of the house. Paul sighed as he stepped in, almost considering running upstairs to change into the one yellow sweater he brought, just to fit in a bit better. Bob’s dad turned and nodded as they entered. “Hello, Robert. And this must be Paul.”

“Hey, Dad,” Bob said, cheeks turning pink with embarrassment. Paul raised his hand in a nervous wave.

As soon as he and Bob sat down at the kitchen table, Bob’s dad brought over two bowls of steaming hot soup for them.

“How’s school, you two?”

Paul glanced at Bob. “It’s good,” he lied, looking back down at his bowl of soup.

Bob looked a bit confused at first, but decided to go along with it. “Yeah! It’s been great, and I’m barely even homesick!” He laughed to himself, “not that I don’t miss being home, though.”

After a few moments, Bob’s mum came into the room. “Paul, I brought your suitcase up to Bob’s room. I’m sorry we don’t have another bedroom… are you okay with sharing a bed?”

Paul and Bob exchanged a nervous look. “Y-yeah, that’s fine,” Paul said, feeling his palms growing sweaty. “I mean, we already share a room, so, y’know, it’s alright.”

“I’m sorry to have to do this to you, Paul, it’s just that we don’t have anywhere else for you to sleep, really - the sofa’s not very comfortable, and we wouldn’t want to do that to a guest in our house!” Bob’s mother smiled and looked at her son. “You don’t mind, Bob, do you? I suppose I could go out and buy an air mattress…”

“No! No, that’s okay,” Bob interjected. He took a deep breath. “Paul’s right, we’ve been sharing a room for the last few months, it’s fine!”

Once they had finished their soup, Bob led Paul up to his room, which was painted a pastel yellow color and felt just as warm and cozy as the rest of the house. Paul admired the soft quilt on Bob’s bed and smiled when he realized he would be sleeping in it for the next week. As he sat on the bed, Paul noticed a shelf of sports trophies dating back from when Bob was a kid to just a few years prior to moving to Glasgow. "You played football?" he asked.

"Yeah. Ran cross country, too." Bob replied, the bed sagging as he settled down next to Paul.

"You didn't strike me as a sports guy!" Paul laughed.

"Why, because I'm chubby?"

"No! No, Bob, it's not that,” Paul said, suddenly feeling very embarrassed. “I just...I mean, you're an art student and all. Those two worlds don't usually…overlap." 

Bob shrugged. "I mean, yeah, I know. It was my parents' idea when I was a kid, and I really enjoyed it for a while. Just not my thing anymore, I guess." He took a breath, then looked at Paul with a sly grin. "I liked watching the other guys, though."

Paul laughed softly, reflecting on just how much love he felt in Bob’s home. Bob’s parents were proud of every single one of his achievements, from primary school football games to surviving his first semester of art school. He's so lucky.

“Did you play sports as a kid, Paul?”

Paul thought for a moment. “Maybe when I was really young. I’m not sure. I didn’t really do much of anything.”

"Oh?" Bob moved closer to Paul. "What do you mean…?"

Paul tensed and looked at Bob. “I didn’t have a normal childhood, I guess, and we never had money for that sort of stuff anyway.”

Bob nodded. “I get that.” He flopped down so he was lying on the bed, and Paul soon joined him.

“It’s… it’s not really an easy thing to just ‘get.’ I’m still dealing with it now. I haven’t even spoken to my siblings in years.”

"Oh," Bob said nervously. He had no siblings to speak to anyway, so he couldn't exactly relate, but he'd had no idea what Paul had been through.

“Yeah. Haven’t talked to my parents for even longer. Sometimes I feel bad for moving out and cutting myself off from my family, but…” Paul sighed, “it’s what I had to do.”

Bob nodded, unsure of what to say. He turned onto his side and wrapped himself around Paul's lithe frame, squeezing him in a hug. "It's okay. If this all goes well my family can be your family too.”

At that remark, Paul laughed and hugged Bob back. They laid there in silence for a few minutes before Bob suddenly sat up. “I think we should go back downstairs,” he sighed. His usually rosy cheeks looked pale.

“Are you getting nervous again?”

Bob nodded and cupped his face in his hands. “I don’t know if they’ll still love me…”

At that moment, Paul finally understood why Bob was so nervous. He was all his parents had. There were no other, more successful or wanted siblings to fall back on. It was just Bob, a former athlete now in art school, about to come out as gay. “I think they’ll still love you, Bob. It seems like they love you more than anything.”

Bob smiled and wrapped his arms around Paul once more. Paul could only see Bob’s blond curls and the yellow walls of the room and wondered how someone could possibly match their home so much. Why wasn’t their flat enveloped in pastel colors and cozy blankets?

“Ready to go downstairs now?”

“Yeah, but…” Bob sighed, “I think I don’t want to come out yet. I can wait a few days.”

“That’s ok,” Paul tried his best to reassure Bob, gently stroking his back. “If you’re not ready yet, then you don’t have to.”

“Maybe I can drop hints, to try and gage what they think?” Bob asked nervously.

“You could try,” Paul said thoughtfully. “But maybe it would be better to just get it over with, you know? Like how you’re supposed to rip off a plaster all in one go so it doesn’t hurt so much?”

Bob took a deep breath, pulling Paul closer, nuzzling his hair. “You’re right. I need to bite the bullet. I just need to work out what I’m going to say.”

“You can practice on me, if you want.”

“No, I…” Bob smiled as he stood up and walked cautiously towards the door. “I’ll be right back.”

Bob walked to the large bathroom across the corridor and quietly closed the door. Standing in front of the sink, he noticed that his hands were shaking; his heart thudded so violently that Bob was sure it would launch itself out of his body. He closed his eyes, taking in slow, deep breaths to calm himself. After a few minutes, his heartbeat slowed down and his trembling had largely ceased. Bob opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror in front of him. His body had calmed, but dread still radiated from his eyes. Despite the waves of panic resurfacing, he knew that it was time. 

He unlocked the door and walked cautiously down the stairs. These could be the last normal moments of his life. He took a deep breath and calmly approached the living room, where his parents were sitting and watching TV. 

“Oh, hi, Robert!” His mother greeted him with a beaming smile. “Are you both settled in?”

“Um, yeah, we are, thanks.”

Just do it. Just say it.

“You’re sure you don’t mind sharing a bed? There should be enough room for the both of you, but we just couldn’t think of anywhere else that would be comfortable for you both.”

“No, we don’t mind. There’s plenty of space.”

Spit it out, for fuck’s sake.

“That’s good,” Bob’s dad chimed in with an equally cheery expression on his face. “It’s lovely that you’ve made such a close friend at uni already.”

Is that a hint? Do they know?

“Yes, he’s seems like such a lovely boy, Robert.” Mrs. Hardy gave her son a comforting smile, and Bob relaxed, just a little. He had missed his parents a lot since he left for uni. They were caring people, and it was obvious that they loved him dearly. 

It’ll be ok. Just do it.

“I’m gay.”

Mr and Mrs Hardy took a double-take as their son blurted out these words. They stared at him blankly for a moment, and Bob’s anxiety reappeared; he felt as if it had its hand around his throat, squeezing and choking him.

“What did you say, Robert?” Bob had frozen still at his mother’s words. Usually he found her so easy to read, but he had no clue what either of his parents were thinking. With what little breath he had left, he almost whispered his response.

“I’m gay. What… what do you think?” 

Mr and Mrs Hardy looked at each, then returned their gaze to their only child.

“Robert…” Bob closed his eyes in anticipation at his father’s words, bracing himself for the worst. “That’s ok, Robert.”

Bob reopened his eyes to find both parents once again smiling at him. The hand around his neck vanished, but a lump in his throat remained.

“It… it is?” 

“Of course!” Mrs Hardy stood up from the sofa and approached her son. “We’ve always sort of known, Robert. Don’t look so panicked, darling!”

Before he knew it, Bob felt hot tears streaming down his face. His mother wrapped him in her arms, slowly stroking his soft, golden hair, the colour that matched her own. 

“We love you. You know that we always will.” Robert’s father joined their embrace, and held his small family close. Bob had never felt so light now that the weight of being in the closet was lifted from his shoulders. 

The three stayed in their embrace for a long time, until Mrs Hardy interjected.

“Wait, so does that mean Paul…” She struggled to find the right word, not wanting to press him too hard.

The words left Bob’s mouth before he could stop to consider them. “He’s… my boyfriend.”

His parents squeezed him even more tightly, a little too tightly for his liking, and his mother let out an excited squeal.

“I’m so glad! Why don’t you go get him? I’ll bake cupcakes! Does he like cupcakes? I can make them rainbow!” Bob giggled at his mother’s flurry of words.

“Yes, he loves cupcakes. Although he’ll pretty much eat anything.” Bob smiled shyly as he thought about Paul. “I’ll tell him to come down.”

As Bob ran up the stairs two at a time, Mrs. Hardy just as quickly ran to the kitchen, but not before sending Mr. Hardy to the shop for a surprise for the two boys. Bob’s dad smiled proudly as he walked to the car, pleased that his home was once again full of excitement.

---

“You told your parents I’m your boyfriend?” Paul grabbed Bob’s arm and sat him down on the bed as soon as they got to Bob’s room. “Your mum really thinks we’re getting married.”

“That’s the goal, isn’t it?”

“We don’t know that yet.”

“So I’m just a hookup to you, or something?” Bob said a bit louder than intended.

“No, Bobbo… you mean more to me than anything, but… you really had to call me your boyfriend? I don’t think I’m your boyfriend yet.”

“I didn’t really know what else I could say—”

“Maybe we could use that label one day, but—” Paul sighed, “not yet.”

“Why not? What are we, then?” 

“I don’t know, Bob. I don’t think we’re anything yet.”

“Are we dating? Could I at least say we’re dating?”

Paul laughed shakily. “Well, we’ve been on dates…”

“So, what, they didn’t mean anything to you? You’re just Dino’s little bitch boy!” Bob huffed and flopped on his back. “That’s why you won’t say we’re boyfriends. Because you’re being controlled by his stupid, ratty—”

“Y’know what, Bob… let’s just forget about this for now.” Paul was taken aback by Bob's sudden outburst. He bit his tongue to keep himself from lashing out any more.

"Yeah, you never want to talk about anything," Bob grumbled, rolling over to face the wall. The air was tense for a few moments before Bob let out a sigh. "I'm sorry," he said, quieter this time. "I guess I'm still all fired up from coming out."

"It's okay," Paul said, his voice quiet as well. He turned to look at Bob, tentatively placing a hand on his back. "We'll talk about it when we get home. I promise."

Bob rolled onto his back to look at Paul, his blue eyes shining. He nodded meekly.

"I'm proud of you, Bobbo," Paul continued with a smile. "You did great out there." He ran his fingers through Bob's hair, messing it a bit.

Bob couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Couldn't have done it without you, Paulie." He paused, then added, "So, we're okay, right?"

Paul laid down beside Bob and wrapped an arm across his stomach. "Yeah. We're okay."

“Let’s hope everything’s still the same in the morning.”

“Don’t worry. It will be.” 

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 47

Written by: Sol, Allegra, Beth Edited by: Sol, Allegra, Beth

Alex didn’t know if Nick had ever properly celebrated a holiday. Sure, Nick had mentioned getting gifts for Christmas and dressing up for Halloween in passing, but Alex was never sure just how legit his celebrations were. Most of what Nick talked about felt sad, almost— Alex wasn’t sure how it would feel to have his childhood memories invalidated in front of him, so he tried to listen and relate as much as he could. Holidays were no exception.

Whether or not Nick had ever actually celebrated Christmas, Alex was determined to make the day special. He thought about all of his favorite foods he ate on Christmas Day back home, and tried to make a list of which ones could be cooked in the flat, and a list of those that Nick would like.

After a few minutes of quiet reflection, Alex realized he was still sitting on the beanbag chair and should be doing chores and figuring out Christmas dinner before Nick woke up and needed help. He stood and stretched, grabbing his phone off the nightstand and heading out to the living room. His mother made the best spanakopita in the world (in his opinion) and he wanted to give Nick a taste of Christmas in Greece.

Alex still felt terrible for not going home. His family was always extremely close and he was the only one who had left the country permanently. But he couldn't leave Nick, and he couldn't take Nick with him, so that was that. Alex dialed his home phone number and waited.

“Alex!” His mother answered the phone cheerily.

“Hi, mum. Happy Christmas Eve.”

“It’s so nice to talk to you! How is everything?”

"Uhh, I'm alright," Alex said, not ready to give her an update on Nick's condition. "So, I wanted to make your spanakopita for tomorrow, but--"

"Oh!!" As soon as Alex mentioned his favorite food from back home, his mother began listing ingredients. He scrambled to find a stray scrap of paper to write them down on.

Five minutes later, after she had rattled off the ingredients, the steps, and every secret trick that she knew to make the pie perfect, Alex's mother let out a sigh. "Got all that?"

"I think so," Alex said, biting the cap of his pen. "Thanks, mum."

"Of course, dear. How's Nick, by the way?"

At this, Alex could feel himself tense up. Nick was supposedly asleep in the other room, but Alex always felt nervous talking about him. He was clueless as to what Nick could and couldn’t hear, or if he was even asleep at all.

“He’s doing better,” Alex finally decided to say, “but the doctor hasn’t cleared him yet. He still has a long way to go until he’s all the way better.”

"Cleared him for what?"

Alex clenched his teeth, remembering that he hadn't actually told his mother what had happened. "Cleared him to breathe on his own. Without the ventilator."

"He's using a ventilator?! Alex, you never told me!" The worried tone of his mother's voice made Alex feel terrible. "What happened to him?"

"He jumped off the stage at a gig and hit the barrier the wrong way and injured his lung." The memory of it made Alex shut his eyes and shudder. "But he's getting a lot better, and he can go without the ventilator for meals and stuff."

“That’s… alarming. But it’s good to hear that he’s recovering.”

“Yeah. I should probably go check on him; he’s still asleep…”

“Oh, well.. I guess I’ll talk to you later. I hope everything goes well. Tell Nick I said to feel better.”

Alex laughed softly, “Alright, mum. Love you.”

Alex snuck back into Nick’s room to find him still asleep. He went to the side of Nick’s bed and stroked his hair. Nick grabbed Alex’s arm and pulled on it. Oh. Bad dream.

Avoiding crushing Nick, Alex hopped over him and got under the blankets. Nick immediately hugged Alex with his entire body, even tangling his legs with Alex’s. Alex smiled slightly as Nick continued to cuddle him. Even when he was scared or asleep, or both, Nick was so good at cuddling.

Nick was eventually startled out of his dream. He wiggled a bit, and then found Alex again.

“Good morning,” Alex smiled as Nick held onto him.

--

A few hours later, after tidying up the flat, Alex decided it was time to get to work on making the best Christmas meal Nick would ever have.

“Want to come to the store with me, Nick?” Alex asked as he flopped down next to Nick on the sofa.

NIck shook his head frantically, not wanting anyone to see him in the state he was in. Seeing Julian a few days ago had been enough interaction. He didn’t want to upset anyone else with his condition. He didn’t want any more pitying glances and mumbles of ‘feel better.’

“Oh… are you sure? Maybe it would be good to get out of the flat for a bit…”

“I’m sure,” Nick said softly. He missed being outside, but the thought of leaving the flat terrified him. No one could see him like this.

“Yeah, I guess that’s alright. It would be sneaking out, after all, and maybe we’d run into someone from the hospital who knows you’re not allowed to be out,” Alex rambled, trying to stop himself from worrying about Nick. “Want anything specific from the store?”

“An ice lolly?”

“Nick, it’s December!”

“Please?”

Alex looked at Nick to find him staring at him, his blue eyes wide and full of love. “Fine, I’ll buy you ice lollies. What flavor?”

“Cherry.”

“Alright,” Alex laughed to himself as he got up. “Want anything else?”

Nick shook his head. “Just ice lollies.”

“See you later, then. Call if you need anything.”

—

Alex came back an hour later, smelling like winter air and feeling like it too. Nick picked up his ventilator and wobbled to him to help assess the items he had brought home.

“Ice lollies!” Nick laughed, surprised that Alex had actually listened to his request. He also saw hot cocoa mix on the counter and did a tiny fist pump to himself.

“I got marshmallows, too!” Alex wiggled the bag of marshmallows in front of Nick’s face.

“Marshmallows!” Nick grabbed the bag and clutched it to his chest. Alex laughed and wrapped his arms around Nick.

"How would you like to go on a date?" Alex asked, retrieving the bag of marshmallows with one hand and resting his other hand on Nick's hip.

"A...date?" Nick's expression brightened, then immediately fell. "But I can't...go out."

"Yeah! A date right here in the flat!" Alex placed the bag on the counter and slipped his now-free hand onto Nick's other hip, holding him close. "A hot cocoa and cuddling date! We can watch a movie and I'll make you dinner later. How does that sound?"

Nick’s eyes lit up as he nodded and hugged Alex. “It sounds… good. Really good!”

Alex smiled back and kissed Nick's forehead. "Let me just get some things ready, okay?" Nick nodded, unable to hide the grin behind his mask. He followed Alex into the kitchen and retrieved an ice lolly from the freezer.

Alex followed all the steps his mother had told him, taking care to use exact measurements of everything. He wanted to make the pie perfect for Nick. Nick had offered to help in any way he could, but Alex simply waved him off and told him to relax. So Nick did. His mask lay on the table before him as he savored the ice lolly and watched Alex work. Nick smiled to himself at how focused Alex was.

"What movie do you want to watch?" Alex asked as he finished chopping the spinach and poured it into the pan on the stove.

"Oh...I don't know... I'll watch anything," Nick said with a shrug. Alex frowned. Nick never really made decisions for himself, did he? He just went along with whatever Alex (or anyone else) said. Alex flipped on the burner and waited for the pan to warm up to saute the spinach and onions.

"Come on, you must have an idea of what you want!" Alex said cheerily, hoping Nick would actually make a decision. Nick only made a vague noise and focused on his ice lolly. Alex suppressed a sigh and turned his attention back to the food. That conversation would have to wait for another time.

Once the pie was fully prepared, Alex placed it in the fridge to be baked later. "Want to go out to the sofa and I'll make us our hot cocoa?" Nick, who had finished eating and placed the mask back on his face, nodded vigorously. He stood up and slowly made his way back to the living room, wobbling with each step but managing to keep himself upright.

Alex made the cocoa and tossed a few marshmallows on top of each mug. He carefully placed them on the coffee table and sat down on the couch before immediately jumping back up. "Ah, one more thing!" He dashed off to his bedroom, leaving Nick to stare down the hall in confusion. Alex returned a moment later with a silver-and-red-striped parcel and a grin on his face. "Merry Christmas!"

Nick froze for a moment - Alex had gotten him a gift? He blinked and took the package, running his hands over the wrapping paper. He wasn't used to people doing nice things for him, and he certainly hadn't expected or wanted anything. A wave of guilt washed over him - he hadn't gotten anything for Alex. He never had, in all the months that they had known each other.

"Open it!" Alex bounced up and down on the couch beside him. Nick ripped the paper and out fell a fluffy, multicolored blanket.

Nick's eyes lit up as he held the blanket up against his face. "It’s so soft!"

Alex smiled. "It is! I know how much you like blankets and soft things so I had to get this for you when I saw it! And I thought we could use it now!"

"Yeah," Nick replied, smiling, though he could feel his anxiety building. "Thank you," he said quietly, laying his head on Alex's shoulder.

Alex draped the blanket over Nick and giggled. "Of course, love. Let me put the DVD in and I'll be right back." Once the movie was set up, Alex wriggled beneath the blanket next to Nick and wrapped an arm around him. Nick relaxed into Alex's touch.

As he tried to stay focused on the movie, Nick’s mind kept wandering to the fact that he hadn’t gotten a gift for Alex. There had to be something he could scrape up for him. Would Alex understand that Nick wasn’t able to buy a present? Was he even expecting a gift from someone who couldn’t leave their flat?

As the credits rolled, Alex realized that Nick had tensed up again and looked down at him. “Is everything alright?”

"Yeah..."

“You like your gift?”

Nick ran his fingers along the edge of the blanket. “I love it… I just… I should have… gotten you something.”

“Nick, you’ve been stuck in the flat for a month! It’s fine!”

Nick didn't really have an answer for that. Alex was right. Even if Nick wanted to get him a gift, there was no way he could have done it without Alex taking him somewhere. Nick sighed. This whole being dependent thing was getting old. Just then, Nick realized what he could give Alex.

“I’m going to go put the pie in the oven, okay?” Alex asked.  Before he could even stand up, Nick shifted forward on the couch out of Alex's arms, much to Alex's surprise.

"I'll be right back," Nick said, standing up unsteadily and slowly walking to his room.

Alex frowned, wondering what Nick was possibly up to. He switched off the DVD player and headed into the kitchen, hesitant to interrupt whatever Nick was doing. As soon as Alex had finished with the pie and made his way to the living room doorway, Nick stumbled out of his bedroom, guitar in one hand and ventilator in the other.

It was supposed to be a surprise, Nick sighed to himself as he steadily returned to the living room. Nick made his way back to the couch and plopped down. He pulled off his mask and tossed it onto the floor.

"Nick? What are you--"

Nick pulled a pick out of his pocket and looked over at Alex with a smile. "I wrote you a song," he said softly.

“When did you have time to do that?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while…”

Alex nodded intently, waiting to see what Nick would play for him.

“It’s called ‘Dream Again,’ I mean… it’s a working title, but… it’s based on some weird fever dreams I had when I was hospitalized…” Nick readjusted the guitar in his lap. “I was scared most of the time when you weren’t there. But sometimes… they were comforting. Like my brain trying to calm me down.”

“Oh…” was all that Alex could manage. He reached out and gave Nick’s hand a squeeze, and that was all the encouragement Nick needed.

He took as deep a breath as he could and began to sing quietly, his voice shaky. "Don't be afraid if you're descending...the sweetest despair...without a handrail to guide you…"

Alex stared at Nick, transfixed. Nick squeezed his eyes shut and focused on pouring all of his energy into the song.

"Sometimes the sound of a thousand whispering words...of hope will reassure...show me the future…" Nick opened his eyes and looked at Alex. "Will see us join together...if the oceans split or the mountains sigh...then I will keep on dreaming…" Nick's voice was weak and trembling. "I live to dream again...I live to dream--" Nick coughed suddenly, a deep rumble in his chest, and began to wheeze. Alex instinctively reached up to rub his back, then leaned down and grabbed Nick's mask when Nick couldn't get his breathing under control.

It took only a few moments for Nick’s breathing to come back to normal. He laid the guitar down on the floor and tossed his pick down with a sigh. Alex could sense Nick’s frustration at being unable to finish the song, so Alex wrapped his arms around Nick and began peppering small kisses on his forehead, his cheeks, his neck. Nick closed his eyes, desperate to kiss Alex back, but instead settled on running his fingers through Alex’s hair and rubbing one hand up and down Alex’s back.

Alex pulled away slightly after a while and gave Nick a gentle squeeze. “That was amazing. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. You’re amazing, you know that?”

Nick looked deeply into Alex’s eyes, unable to believe how fortunate he was to find someone like him.

“I love you.” Alex almost didn’t hear Nick’s quiet voice over the sound of his ventilator.

“I love you too.” Alex leaned back into their embrace and pressed a lingering kiss on Nick’s forehead, until the oven’s alarm began to beep.

“Pie’s ready!” Alex pressed one more kiss onto Nick’s forehead and went to the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”

Nick watched as Alex made the final preparations for dinner. A small smile was hidden behind his mask as he felt the butterflies fly around in his stomach.

(with special thanks to this video for the inspiration ♥)

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 45

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Allegra, Beth

That night, Nick woke up with sore legs and a dull, throbbing pain in his chest. He opened his eyes slowly, hoping it wasn’t anything serious. He saw Alex peacefully sleeping next to him on the beanbag chair and knew that if he gathered up his strength, he could wake him up. Nick didn’t want to worry Alex. Worrying Alex was his worst fear. Although they talked everything out, Nick was still afraid that Alex would overstep his boundaries again if his condition worsened.

Shaking his concern and dazed by the pain, Nick reached his arm out to wake Alex, gently poking his shoulder. Just a small amount of pressure on his finger sent waves of sharp pain shooting up his arm and to his chest. He tried not to cry as he waited for a response from Alex.

“...Nick?” Alex asked as he opened his eyes, his voice soft from sleep. “What’s wrong?”

Nick could barely answer, anxiety about the pain piling on top of the pain itself. He struggled to verbalize fragments of various words and phrases.

“Does something hurt?” Alex asked, sitting up so he could face Nick.

Nick nodded as he tried to sit up as well. He couldn’t read the emotion on Alex’s face through his blurred vision, his tears welling up and turning everything hazy.

“Ah, okay…” Alex stroked Nick’s hair gently. “I think your pain meds have worn off. They’re supposed to be given every eight hours, but I think you had them early because you went to sleep early. That’s not a problem. Would you like to come with me to get your meds?”

Nick nodded again and helped as Alex sat him up. The pain in his chest was still dull. Nothing to worry about. Right?

“Do you want to walk or go on wheels?”

“Wheels, please,” Nick choked out, wheezing against the pain in his chest.

Alex lifted Nick into his wheelchair and began wheeling him to the kitchen. 

“It’s… dark?” Nick asked, wondering if Alex would turn on a light.

“Oh, uh, I’ll get a flashlight!” Alex ran back to his room to grab his flashlight from the top drawer of his dresser. “There we go.” He shined the flashlight towards the end of the hallway.

“Why not just…” Nick motioned at a light switch.

“Wouldn’t want to wake Steck.”

Nick shrugged and adjusted his ventilator mask. He felt another wave of pain radiating from his chest. 

“You alright?” Nick nodded. Alex opened the refrigerator and got out Nick’s pain medicine. “Do you need the full dose?” 

Nick nodded again. He smiled at Alex’s concern, and his smile widened when he felt a soft tail brush against his legs. “Steck!” he said, leaning awkwardly over the ventilator to pet him. Alex walked over with the medication dosing cup and a glass of water and grinned at the sight.

“Do you want to hold Steck after you take this?” Alex asked, sliding the mask off Nick’s face.

Nick nodded earnestly, quickly downing his medicine and a few sips of water. “Ready!” Alex giggled and placed Steckrübe in Nick’s lap after he put Nick’s mask back on. Nick held him close, scratching between his ears and whispering to him in German. Alex’s heart thumped in his chest and he wondered how he had gotten so lucky.

After a few moments, Alex instinctively grabbed the handles of the wheelchair to roll Nick back to bed, but he stopped himself. “Are you ready to go back to bed now?”

“Wait,” Nick said quietly. “I want to…” He let go of Steck, who hopped down onto the floor, and shifted to get a better hold on the ventilator. Then he grabbed the wheels on his chair and began rolling himself into the living room. Alex walked behind him, fighting the urge to help. Clearly Nick had something in mind.

Nick rolled himself to the window and pulled the shades open. Although the lights of the city were bright, Nick could see the stars outside, finally. It had been a long time since he had seen them. When Nick pointed to something, Alex leaned in to join him. “Moon…” Nick smiled.

Alex wrapped his arms around Nick’s shoulders. “The stars are beautiful, aren’t they?” Nick just nodded, his eyes still on the sky. “We could go stargazing sometime, if you want…”

“Really?!” Nick leaned his head back to look up at Alex. “I’ve never been…”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”

“Yeah,” Nick said, excited at the prospect. He looked up at Alex again. “I think I’m ready...for bed now.”

Alex wheeled Nick back to the bedroom and helped him back out of the chair. He then helped him get into his bed, smiling as Nick curled up beneath the blankets.

“Are you feeling better?” Alex asked as he settled into his beanbag chair.

Nick blinked a few times and then shook his head. “It still hurts.”

“Want me to sleep with you tonight?”

“Can you…?” 

Without a word, Alex slipped under the covers beside Nick, tangling his legs with Nick’s and pulling him close. “Alright?”

“Of course,” Nick smiled. “And thank you…”

“For what?”

“For asking…for listening.”

Alex smiled as Nick nestled himself into his pillow and quickly fell asleep. “Goodnight, Nick,” he whispered.

--

That morning, Alex awoke to a loud buzzing on the nightstand. It was a phone call from his mother, who immediately began asking if he was planning on coming home for Christmas. Alex half-listened to her rambling, still groggy after only a few hours' sleep.

“I was planning on it, but…” Alex said once he was able to get a word in edgewise. He looked back at Nick, who was still peacefully asleep, Steckrübe by his side and the ventilator humming on the nightstand. He had to tell her. "I don't think I can come home."

"What?!"

"I'm sorry for telling you so late, but...Nick has been...not well lately. He's been really sick and he's not even supposed to leave the flat. I can't leave him here alone."

The tone of Alex's mother's voice shifted. "What? Nick is sick?! What happened to him?"

"Long story. I really can't leave him, and he's not allowed to travel right now, so…"

“Oh…”

“I promise I’ll be back sometime soon, alright?”

“Alright.” Alex noticed the hint of resignation in his mother’s voice. “You’re sure Nick can’t just come with you? He’s always welcome here, you know.”

“I know,” Alex said sadly. “But he can’t go on a plane until he’s fully healed. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Alex’s mother’s voice was lighter now. “I’m glad you have each other. You’ve seemed a lot happier since you met him.”

“Yeah,” Alex said quietly. He wondered if his mother could tell that he was smiling. “I am.”

By the time Alex hung up with his mother, Nick was awake and patting Steckrübe gently. Alex heard Steck’s soft meows and turned around.

“You’re up early!” Alex went over to Nick and sat down next to him.

“I heard you… on the phone,” Nick said softly, looking up into Alex’s eyes.

“Oh! Are you okay with staying here for Christmas?”

Nick nodded, “Can’t go… anywhere else.”

“That’s very true. Want breakfast?” Nick nodded vigorously. "In bed?" Nick's eyes lit up and he nodded harder. Alex kissed his forehead. "Alright. Be back soon!"

Unfortunately, when Alex opened the refrigerator to grab the smoothie ingredients, there were none to be found. There wasn't much of anything left, aside from a few slices of shrink-wrapped cheese, some butter, and a few assorted condiments. He figured that Nick would be fine with just some toast - until he checked the counter and discovered that they were also out of bread. Alex groaned and made his way back down the hall, where Nick was still petting Steck.

"That was fast," Nick said, looking perplexed.

"Yeah, we have, like, no food," Alex said with a grimace. "We're going to have to go to the store..." He envisioned the entire process - getting Nick changed into some proper clothes, putting him in the wheelchair, bringing him down to the car and helping him get in, folding up the wheelchair, repeating the entire process in reverse at the store…

"I can...stay home."

"What?'

"I'll stay home," Nick repeated, more firmly this time. 

The next words out of Alex's mouth were almost I'm not leaving you home by yourself before he remembered his promise from the previous day. He swallowed hard. "Okay…you're sure?"

"I'm fine…I'll just rest...with Steck," Nick said. He scratched Steck's chin.

"Okay. You'll call me if you need me, right?"

"I'll be fine…" Nick sensed Alex's uneasiness and added, "I'll call you...if I need you."

Alex nodded and gave him a wave. "Alright. Be back soon."

--

Alex stood in the produce section, examining boxes of strawberries and deciding which more fun and exotic fruits they would go with. Maybe Nick would like a starfruit smoothie? Was it worth it to spend five quid to shred up a starfruit, or would Nick like to eat it sliced instead? Alex sighed and picked up a starfruit, considering it before placing it in his basket.

Every time Alex bought something new for Nick, like fuzzy socks or a new type of fruit or a brand new sweatshirt, he realized that it was often the first time Nick had ever experienced it. How had he gone his entire life without wearing fuzzy socks? Alex eyed a box of cherries and went to examine it to make sure they were ripe. You could never trust ‘fresh’ produce in Glasgow winters, at least according to Paul. Alex decided that the cherries were fresh and put them in his basket. As he went to shop for bread and some other essentials, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Alex?” A familiar cheery voice said from behind him.

Alex turned around to see Julian with a basket full of sweets and other snacks. He greeted him politely, not sure why Julian was so eager to see him. He had only spoken to him when picking Nick up from class a few times after Julian walked him out. 

"Where's Nick?" he asked with a bright smile, clutching the basket in one hand and running the other through his floppy curls. "I haven't seen him in so long! Is he ok? Did he go back to Germany? I miss Steckrübe too! Is he doing alright?"

“He’s doing alright now,” Alex smiled, “and so is Steckrübe.”

“What do you mean, now? Did something happen?”

“Yeah, uh…” Alex sighed, “Nick was in the hospital for a month. He popped his lung trying to stage dive and went into respiratory failure. He’s doing alright now, but he’s still on a ventilator and quarantined in the flat.”

“A ventilator? That doesn’t sound good! How does that work? Can he breathe alright? What happens if Steck's fur gets in it?!” Julian, although quite alarmed, somehow still looked cheery.

Alex explained how the ventilator worked and told Julian that Nick was completely fine and on his way to a full recovery.

“So he’ll be able to walk soon and go to class?”

“Yeah, hopefully,” Alex affirmed Julian’s concerns. 

"Great! Can I bring him a get well gift later? Does he want some snacks?"

Alex was amazed that one person could be full of so many questions. "Yeah? I guess he does?"

Before Julian could embark on another barrage of questions about Nick, a woman with curly brown hair pushed her trolley up beside them. “Who’s this, Julian?”

“Mum! This is Alex, Nick’s flatmate! I told you about him, remember? He brought his cat to class and then disappeared? Well, I just found out he’s been really sick and quarantined in his flat and I’d like to bring him a gift later! Is that alright?”

“You’re sure you can bring a gift if he’s quarantined?”

Julian looked to Alex for an answer. Alex nodded. “As long as you don’t have any particularly harmful germs about you.”

“Is he contagious?”

“No, it was an injury.”

Julian’s mum looked back and forth between the two men. “In that case… I guess you can go after we’re done here. I’ll walk you there.”

“I’ll go look for a gift, then! See you later, Alex!” Julian took off to look for a plushie for Nick, leaving Alex with his mum.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Alex,” she smiled warmly. She was a calmer presence compared to Julian, and Alex wondered how she was so patient with him.

Alex made his way to check out after finding everything he needed for Nick’s breakfast and meals for the next week. As he paid for his items, he couldn’t help but wonder how Nick was such good friends with Julian. They were complete opposites in every way, and Alex knew that Julian had definitely latched onto Nick rather than the other way around.

Once he reached his flat, Alex greeted Nick and immediately started throwing together a breakfast for him. He decided to slice the starfruit rather than blending it.

“Julian’s coming over today,” Alex said to Nick as he placed his breakfast down on the nightstand.

Nick grinned as Alex removed the mask and gave him his breakfast. Breathing without the mask was still a bit of a challenge, but being unable to consume solid food for weeks had truly made him appreciate eating, so he was happy to put up with it for a short time. He picked up a piece of toast with both hands and nibbled on it carefully. "Really? When?"

“He said he was coming as soon as he finished shopping, so… he should be here soon. Do you want to get ready?”

As soon as Nick nodded and put his toast down, Alex heard the doorbell. “That must be him. Stay here, I’ll get it.” He slipped Nick’s mask on and ran to get the door. Alex welcomed Julian into the flat and noticed that he was holding a gift bag.

“Where’s Nick? Is he awake? I’m sorry I came so early; I wasn’t expecting to visit!” 

Alex just laughed in response and led Julian to Nick’s bedroom. He opened the door slowly, anticipating Julian’s reaction and his onslaught of questions. Julian peeked around the door frame and gasped at the sight of Nick. Alex could have sworn he saw Julian visibly deflate. And for once, Julian didn't have words.

When Nick saw Julian, his eyes instantly lit up. He nudged Steckrübe, who was sleeping beside him.

Julian took a deep breath and slowly approached Nick. He opened the gift bag and smiled. “A birthday gift and a get well gift!” 

Nick reached into the bag and pulled out a lobster plushie and a koala plushie. He hugged the plushies with as much strength as he could and then placed them down next to Steckrübe.

“Can you talk with that mask on?” Julian asked, wondering if Nick was being quiet on purpose or not.

Nick nodded. “A little.”

“Does it hurt?”

Nick thought for a moment. “Without medicine… yeah.”

Julian nodded thoughtfully. “Is Steck happy you’re home? I heard you were away for a month! Do you remember any of it?”

At the mention of his name, Steck’s ears perked up and he let out a small meow. Nick didn’t answer any of the questions, too tired and out of it to speak that much.

“Steck!” Julian gasped and patted Steckrübe’s head. “Are you alright, Nick? Can you breathe? I’m sorry if I’m interrupting your breakfast. Did you finish your breakfast?”

After Nick once again didn’t answer fully, Alex intejected. “Nick’s still not feeling well. He can’t talk all that much. Right, Nick?” Nick looked up at Alex and nodded, relieved that Alex had jumped in to help this time. After this reminder, Julian sat down in the beanbag beside Nick and tried to talk a bit more slowly.

Alex smiled and went to the kitchen to clean up from breakfast. He could still hear Julian rambling away in the other room about what Nick missed in class and how bad he felt for him, although he couldn’t hear Nick offering anything in return. But Julian was obviously responding to something, considering he was taking little breaks between his rambles. By the time Alex came back into the room, Julian was telling a story and using Steckrübe to act out one of the characters as Nick laughed along quietly. Holding Steckrübe was a huge sign of trust from Nick, and Julian had entered the VIP friend-of-Steck club.

Julian was mid-sentence when his mum rang to tell him that he had been at Alex and Nick’s flat for too long. He sighed as he listened to her and then hung up. “My mum wants me to go,” he sighed, reminding Alex of just how young he still was. “It was nice seeing you guys! Can I come over again soon?" He looked expectantly between Alex and Nick.

Nick nodded furiously, which made both Alex and Julian giggle. "I think that's a yes," Alex smiled.

"Ok! See you guys!" Julian gave them a wave and headed out of the flat, a noticeable spring in his step.

Alex turned back to Nick. “What did you two talk about?”

Nick smiled, “School, music… Steck…” 

Alex laughed softly. “That’s great, Nick. I didn’t know you were so close with Julian!”

Nick nodded, “he’s my… only friend at school.” He paused, then added, "I think I'm...his only friend too."

"Yeah? I guess I can see that." Alex admired how perceptive Nick was, even if he didn't always show it. "But I'm glad you two found each other."

"Yeah," Nick agreed. 

“Want to get ready for the day now? I think you need a bath…”

“I’m smelly… I know…” Nick looked up at Alex with a grin.

"I mean, I wasn't going to say anything, but..." Alex returned Nick's smile. It felt good to see Nick so happy. He leaned down and gave Nick a kiss on the forehead. "Love you."

Nick beamed and bonked Alex's face with his mask. "Love you too."

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 36

Written by: Sol, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

“Nick, calm down.”

Nick felt a hand on his leg once again and opened his eyes to see that he was furiously kicking and thrashing. The only difference from last time was that this kicking and thrashing wasn’t purposeful, and it didn’t feel good at all. And it wouldn’t stop. Nick did everything in his power to calm his flailing legs, but he couldn’t. He had never felt so helpless. His arms thrashed out at his sides. Where was Alex? He arched off the bed, gagging as his breathing tube shifted. His blanket came undone and dropped to the floor. He felt himself sliding towards the edge of the bed to join it.

“Nick!” He felt hands on both of his legs now, and a hand on either arm. Through his half-lidded eyes he saw three nurses, doing their best to restrain him as his legs kicked out and convulsed wildly. His arms thrashed violently now, the IVs in his forearms nearly ripping out of his skin. After a few minutes, Nick felt his body slowing down, suddenly crashing from his wild attack. His head lolled to the side as he felt hands adjusting his breathing tube, gently bringing him back to reality. His head was spinning and he couldn’t stop tears escaping from his eyes.

Two of the nurses talked in hushed voices at the doorway, glancing back at Nick occasionally. Finally, after a few moments, they returned to Nick’s side.

“You’re going to have a brain scan later,” the blonde nurse said. “We need you awake for it, so we’re going to take you off the sedatives for now.”

Nick couldn't even find the strength to nod, so he simply looked at her, hoping she understood.

She put the communication board on Nick’s lap. “Would you like to do anything while we’re waiting to do the brain scan? Your friends are art students, right? Would you like to draw?”

Yes.

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

Don’t leave. Don’t leave.

“Ah…” She glanced around the room and spotted the notebook that was still sitting on the counter from when Alex was writing in it a few days before. “Is this ok?”

Yes. Thank you.

Nick held the notebook close, and as soon as the nurse left he opened it to a blank page. He grabbed the pen next to him and just started writing. He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they needed to get out. His arms jerked and twitched as he wrote, but he tried to fight it. This was important.

When he finished, he folded the letter with shaky hands and laid it on the bedside table, not even bothering to read it over. He had barely placed the pen on the table before his head fell back and he drifted off to sleep, all of his energy gone. All he could hope was that Alex would understand.

A couple of hours later, Nick awoke to a hand on his arm and a gentle voice calling his name. He opened his eyes slowly to the information that they were taking him back for the brain scan. His leg kicked out again.

“It won’t hurt, and it won’t take long,” the nurse reassured him. Nick closed his eyes again, trying to believe her.

—

Alex found the neurology office fairly easily. It was a small room in a distant hallway, far from anything Alex had seen in the hospital before. So many people are suffering here. Is Nick one of the worst? Alex shook the thought and entered the small office when he was called.

“Hi, Alex,” the doctor said when he went in. Her calming energy immediately made Alex feel more at ease.

Alex greeted her and sat down at the desk, not knowing what to say. “Is Nick alright?” he finally managed, fiddling with one of the pens on the desk.

“Well, it doesn’t appear that the kicking and thrashing were anything more than a bad reaction to the sedatives. His reaction increased when they gave him more, and so on.”

“Why did he react like that?”

“Here.” The doctor showed Alex the scan of Nick’s brain. “He has a bit of damage to the language processing and speech areas of his brain, as well as some executive functions like decision making and general cognition. Has he ever mentioned that to you?”

“Yeah, actually,” Alex realized, “he had a different lung injury before all of this and said he had some brain damage from a lack of oxygen.”

“That explains it, then. Does he act normal, usually?”

Alex thought for a moment. “He does have some unusual behaviors, but… he doesn’t need to be normal. He’s perfect to me.”

“Unusual behaviors?” The doctor leaned closer to Alex. “Can you tell me what you mean?”

“Uhh…” Alex felt uncomfortable talking about Nick’s issues with a complete stranger, when he wasn’t there to speak up for himself. “Well, he has bad dreams a lot...he’s stolen some things before...he has trouble reading and speaking, and he doesn’t always make eye contact when he’s talking to someone new.” Alex paused, then continued with a sigh. “Nick told me that it all started with the initial brain damage that he got from being shot. He doesn’t really have any physical issues, though.”

The doctor nodded. “All of that definitely could be connected to how he reacted. We think the thrashing was caused by a reaction with the part of his brain that controls movement. Rather than turning off, like it usually does with sedatives, it tried to reject them. Because of that, his body didn’t want to accept the sedatives.”

“Oh…” Alex nodded along thoughtfully and pretended to understand what the neurologist was telling him.

“The good news is that he’s been off the sedatives for a few hours now and he’s doing perfectly fine! You’re allowed to go see him now, if you’d like.”

Alex beamed and thanked the neurologist as he left the small office.

—

Alex walked into Nick’s room to find him fast asleep. He smiled when he saw that the IV giving him sedatives had been removed. He walked over to Nick and brushed the hair off his forehead. Nick stirred at the touch and his eyes lit up when he realized that it was Alex. He lifted his right arm and stretched it out as far as he could, smacking his palm against the bedside table. Alex blinked in confusion for a moment before he noticed the folded paper atop the table. “Is this for me?” he asked. Nick gave him a weak thumbs up of approval.

At that moment, a nurse rushed in, saying something about needing to check on Nick. She rushed Alex out of the room before he could even ask Nick about the piece of paper.

Once he was alone in the hallway, Alex unfolded the piece of paper. He held it gently, trying to decipher Nick’s messy handwriting.

--

A lex

Thank you so much for putting up with me Im sory you have to see me like this It hurts a lot so bad and Im scared but pleas dont worry I cant wait to go home and pet Steckrübe again and Play music again but not do anyt hin g dumb this time Because I Ive learned now maybe I shouldnt stage dive until they tell me its okay

But right now it hurts I want to go home but they wont let me I want t o get up but they won’t let me I Miss being able to speak I dont feel like I have a body anmore it just hurts so much But  when youre here I forget You make me happy  Please bring Steck next time I miss him

I’m sorry I didn't listen to you I feel like a bad Flatmate Im sory I cant do anthing to help you out

Im scared I wont get better it Hurts it hurts and I dont know why it hurts so much I still cant breathe Im Scared I wont be able to

My body is kicking thrashing I cant stop it wont stop Im so   tired but I cant sleep it wont Help Im terrified

You saved me

I want to be with you Im sorry I couldnt tell you that niht  it hurt too bad I want to be yours

I love you so much Alex Ive loved you from the first night you Visited me at the prisonn You accept me ffor who I am and you ne ver get mad at me Evn when I deserve it I deseve it 

Thank you Than k you Thank you for saving me I love you I love you I love you Alex I love you

--

Alex braced himself against the wall, trembling as he clutched the paper. Nick loves me. He meant it the other day. And I didn’t listen.

Alex folded the piece of paper again and ran back into the room as soon as the nurse left. The heart monitor started beeping faster than Alex had ever seen it beep before as he approached Nick’s bed. He laughed softly and believed for a moment that Nick was giving a small smile as well. Was he? Maybe it was just the lighting. Alex ignored the beeping and held Nick’s hand. “I love you too,” he said softly. “So much. And you're going to get better.” Alex ran a hand through Nick’s hair. “And I’m sorry for trying to talk about our relationship when you were in so much pain. I should have known better.” Nick started furiously tapping the I love you box on his board, blinking back tears as he looked up at Alex.

Suddenly, a nurse rushed into the room. “Is everything alright in here?” she asked, obviously concerned by the sudden, rapid beeping. Alex dropped Nick’s hand, instantly brought back to the reality of the situation as he remembered the condition Nick was in. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t form the words.

“Just…don't get him overexcited, yeah?” the nurse sighed as Nick’s heart rate slowed back to normal. “He’s still in critical condition and we want him to make it out alive, after all.”

“Alright,” Alex said sheepishly. The nurse gave him a stern look and walked out.

Nick’s eyes were bright, but he wasn’t smiling. He couldn’t. There was no way he could do anything more than move his eyes and his hands. He still had to make it out of the hospital alive before Alex could even think about the future. Was it better to be hopeful or to prepare himself for the worst?

Alex looked back down at Nick and realized that his eyes were still so full of love, searching for an answer from Alex, an answer neither of them could find.

“I love you, Nick,” Alex ran his hand through Nick’s hair, “I really do.”

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 40 (Part 2)

Alex awoke to the glow of sunlight behind the curtains and a cat on his stomach. 

It took him a moment to get his bearings before he remembered that he was in a beanbag chair on the floor. He laid there for a few minutes idly petting Steck and trying to wake up. He couldn't see Nick from this angle, but he could hear the ventilator pumping away, so he figured Nick was alright. Once he had woken up a bit more, Alex stood and stretched, trying to work out the kinks in his back and neck from sleeping on such an uncomfortable surface all night. He made his way out to the kitchen to start breakfast and refill Steckrübe’s food and water bowls.

A short time later, Alex returned to Nick’s bedroom, kicking the door open as he balanced two smoothies and a plate of toast in his hands. He was surprised to see Nick with his eyes open and his hand massaging Steck’s tummy. “Good morning,” he greeted Nick, placing their breakfasts down on the nightstand. He helped Nick sit up, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a sitting position. “Did you sleep well last night?”

Nick nodded and gestured weakly to the plates Alex had brought in. “Breakfast?”

“Yes. A strawberry smoothie and warm toast,” Alex explained. “Are you hungry?”

Nick nodded again. “Toast…”

Alex removed Nick’s mask once Nick had affirmed that he did, in fact, want breakfast. Nick picked up the toast and slowly nibbled on it. He hadn’t really gotten used to chewing again, but Alex insisted that eating the toast was good practice for eating more solid foods. And the toast tasted amazing, anyway. Nick was convinced that Alex was the best chef on the planet.

They ate their meal in relative silence - relative, because while they weren’t speaking much, all Alex could hear were the sounds of Nick munching away on his toast and slurping his smoothie. When they finished, Alex placed the empty dishes and glasses on the nightstand, eager to move on to his plan. “So, I thought we could try to have you walk this morning,” Alex announced. “What do you think?” 

Nick nodded. “Okay…” he said, expecting Alex to only have him take a few steps. He wasn’t sure if he could really handle much of anything, particularly since he had immediately fallen when he tried to stand up the previous day, but he didn’t want to let Alex down, and he knew that Alex would be there with him for every step. And Nick wanted to recover. He wanted nothing more than to recover. So did Alex. They were both anxious to get their lives back.

Alex beamed. “Great! I’ll help you up.” He slipped his arms underneath Nick's and lifted him to his feet. Nick wobbled in place for a moment. His legs felt like jelly after he'd barely used them for weeks. He held onto Alex with trembling arms, his fingernails nearly digging into Alex’s skin.

“Alright, ready?” Alex slipped behind Nick, his arms still firmly wrapped around Nick’s chest. “Take a step.”

Nick took a deep of a breath as he could, feeling very unsure of himself, and lifted his right foot, propelling himself slightly forward. He repeated with his left foot, wobbling a bit more this time. He stopped, trying to regain his balance, before he felt a nudge on his calf. Alex was pressing his toes into Nick’s leg, urging him on. “Come on, Nick! You can do this.” Nick pushed himself to step again, slogging his way toward the door.

Alex, figuring Nick was making good progress, decided to let go. Nick immediately stumbled without support and nearly crashed into the wall. Alex cringed and grabbed him. “Okay...it's okay…” he said, trying to reassure himself as much as Nick. He helped Nick straighten out his back and continued to hold him up. He had to, or Nick would have completely toppled over. Alex held the ventilator in one arm and held Nick in the other. “Keep going,” he instructed him softly. 

Nick grimaced as he slowly made his way across the room, dragging his hand along the wall for support. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take...but he couldn’t stop now, could he? He had to show Alex that he was better. That he didn’t need to be so dependent on Alex anymore; he could take care of himself. He tried with all of his might to hide the agonising pain he was in.

Each step was torture. Nick dragged his exhausted legs across the floor, and every muscle within them burned. His chest tightened with each movement, and every breath became more and more of a struggle. Couldn’t Alex see how much it hurt? Why wasn’t he sitting Nick down, stopping him, giving him time to breathe? He needed a break after eating his breakfast; why wouldn’t Alex give him a break now? His entire body felt heavy, like it was being pulled into quicksand. His legs quickly became dead weight under him.

Despite the pain, Nick had to keep going, keep going keep going keep going— 

THUNK.

Alex jumped, nearly dropping Nick’s ventilator as Nick crumpled to the floor. He gasped in horror as Nick laid motionless on the rug, curled up in a little ball on his side. Alex put the ventilator down and knelt at Nick’s side, shaking. You’re a fucking idiot. How could you do this to him? “Nick?” he said, panicking. “Nick??” Alex shook Nick’s upper arm. “Nick, wake up—” Nothing. There were no signs left that Nick was alive. Shit, I’ve killed him.

A moment later, Alex regained his composure and listened for a pulse, doing everything he could and pressing his fingers so hard into Nick’s wrist that he knew it had to hurt, if Nick could feel it. He’s dead. It’s my fault. Nick’s arm felt limp as Alex placed it back down at his side, reminding Alex of how floppy Nick seemed to be as he was moved around in the hospital. After not finding a pulse, Alex settled on pressing his ear to Nick’s chest and listening for a heartbeat. Thankfully, there was one. It was faint, but it was there. Was Nick still breathing? Alex threw off the ventilator mask and listened to see if Nick was breathing without it. After a few moments, Alex began to hear Nick gasping and wheezing for air. He sighed in both relief and exasperation and fastened the mask back onto Nick’s face. “There you go,” Alex said softly. This was good for now. Nick was alive. “Wake up,” Alex whispered, “please wake up.”

After a few minutes, Nick rolled over and looked up at Alex, pained. He fought to keep his eyes open as they tried to roll back into his head. He gasped, the ventilator unable to keep up with his rapid, shallow breaths. Alex frantically pressed a few buttons and turned the dial on the ventilator, hoping for the best.

If Nick was calm enough to let the ventilator breathe for him, it would have worked. Alex had done everything right. All of the dials and buttons were doing their jobs. But… Nick couldn’t catch up with the rhythm and even tried to pull off the mask. “No—” Alex clamped a hand around the mask and secured it to Nick’s face. Nick immediately grabbed Alex’s wrist with both hands, trying to throw him off. Alex looked into Nick’s eyes; they were shining with tears, bright with distress and frustration. Alex could only stare at Nick as he tried to hold him still, his heart pounding with fear at the sight of the younger man struggling to breathe. 

Nick’s breathing eventually began to even out, but he still lay on the floor, his hands balled into fists, tears stinging the corners of his eyes and threatening to spill onto the carpet beneath him. He’d never felt more frustrated. Alex sat with him, gently rubbing his back and whispering something that would be encouraging if Nick could have heard it over the whirring of the ventilator.

“Can I— go to bed—” Nick choked out in a voice barely above a whisper, the settings of the ventilator restricting his speech more than ever. He had to ask Alex to help him. He had to keep asking for help until he didn’t have to anymore.

“Yeah, of course.” Alex lifted Nick and carried him back to his bed. It was so easy for him. He could just walk there and gently set Nick down. Nick felt like a ragdoll in Alex’s arms, floppy and unable to do anything to help himself. It was almost as embarrassing as the night before.

Alex pulled the blankets up for Nick and tried to give him his frog plushie, which he rejected immediately. Alex knew something was wrong when Nick rolled onto his side and refused to acknowledge him. Alex tried to sit Nick up with an extra pillow under his left side, but Nick slapped it away. When Alex tried to soothe Nick by stroking his hair, Nick thrashed and tried to throw Alex off.

“Do you want me to stay?” Alex asked softly, nearly through tears. Nick made a small grumbling sound and pulled the blankets up around himself.

“Please, Nick? Please let me stay,” Alex reached to run his hand through Nick’s hair, only to have his hand swatted away.

That’s a no, Alex thought to himself and left the room, making sure to leave the door open a crack, just in case. As he made his way to his bedroom, he wondered just how far he had set Nick’s recovery back. 

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 37

Written by: Beth, Allegra Edited by: Allegra

“Alex is visiting Nick again?” Paul went into the hall to find the flat empty besides himself and Bob, and Steckrübe and Alvy, who were working together to catch an insect by the window.

“Yeah, presumably,” Bob sighed, opening the window to let the bug out.

“I feel so bad for him.” Paul flopped down on the sofa. “I don’t know what I’d do if something like that happened to you.” He thought for a moment about seeing Bob in a state where both life and death were uncertain. “Well, you’d probably let me take you to the hospital before it got that bad.”

Bob agreed and picked up his mug of tea from the coffee table. Despite living with Alex for over a month, he had never asked him how he felt about the entire situation. He was always busy, either visiting Nick or doing something to try to get his mind off of him. “I hope Alex is alright,” Bob sighed, changing the subject slightly. “He seems so stressed and sad all the time. I mean, at least he’s turning up to classes now, but every time I check up on him there he’s just sort of… staring off into the distance.”

“I guess it must be hard to concentrate during something like this,” Paul continued, still thinking about what he would do if it were Bob who was in the hospital. He stared at the blond for a moment, imagining him in the same situation as Nick: unable to speak, unable to move, so afraid. Paul began to tear up at this, then felt a flash of guilt, like a bolt of lightning had struck him; he remembered the incident with Dino. Paul couldn't say that he regretted it...but it hadn't felt right. He debated whether he should tell Bob. They weren't a couple. It shouldn't matter. Right? But it did. And Paul knew he had to make things right.

"Paul?" Bob's gentle voice brought Paul back to reality. Paul looked up to see Bob holding Alvy's leash. "I'm going to walk Alvy, want to come?"

"Yeah," Paul said absentmindedly, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. He stood up and stepped into his trainers. Bob hooked on Alvy's leash and they headed out into the cool autumn air.

The boys walked quietly for a few minutes, side by side, Alvy happily trotting along in front, making their way to the neighborhood park. Paul's nerves were all aflutter. He really didn't want to tell Bob, but he knew he would feel the guilt gnawing at him if he didn't, so he finally broke the silence. "Uh...I wanted to tell you something." 

"Yeah?" Bob said, subtly tightening his grip on the leash. "I...had something I wanted to tell you, too."

"Oh?" Paul replied, forcing his voice to stay even. "I guess I'll go first..." Why am I so nervous? We're not even dating. It's not like I cheated on him… "Remember a couple weeks ago, the day Nick went to the hospital, when I said I was running errands? I, uh, I actually went and saw Dino. And we hooked up."

Paul couldn't read the expression on Bob's face. "Oh? Really?"

"Yeah," Paul said, sitting down on a park bench and motioning to Bob to do the same. "I was just so stressed out and I...ran away from the situation instead of dealing with it. And I'm sorry I lied to you."

"It's okay, I understand. It was a scary situation." Paul thought he could sense a tinge of nervousness in Bob's voice. "I...I wanted to tell you that I...Alex and I...hooked up, too. Before Nick got hurt."

Paul's jaw dropped. "Really?!"

Bob blushed. "Yeah. We did. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner."

“Wait, that was your first time, wasn’t it?” 

Bob smiled. “Yeah. It was good, I'm not gonna lie.”

“Alex is a lucky guy," Paul blurted out.

"Dino’s pretty lucky too,” Bob said quietly. His eyes met Paul's for a brief moment before they both looked down sheepishly.

They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before Bob spoke up, his voice wavering. “So...where is this going?”

“What do you mean?” Paul asked, even though he had a pretty good idea of what Bob meant.

“What is this to you?” Bob continued, gripping Alvy’s leash. “Us, I mean. What are we?”

Paul took a deep breath. “We...I...I would like to have something. With you. But...this is all new to me, you know?”

“What’s new?”

“This...whole relationship thing. I’ve never had a steady relationship before. Just hookups and stuff. Nothing serious.” Paul was blushing now. “I like you a lot, Bob...but I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Yeah,” Bob said quietly. “I don’t think I am, either.”

“And I don’t want to let you down.” Paul looked over at Bob with sad eyes. Bob stared into the distance, idly rubbing Alvy’s ears. “You deserve better than that.”

Bob turned his gaze to Paul. “You haven’t let me down yet.”

“Even though I hooked up with Dino?”

“Even though you hooked up with Dino.” Bob giggled a little bit at this. “You’ve been so good to me. And I like you a lot too. But I’ve never done this before either. So...maybe...we can just take things slow?”

Paul looked at Bob, amazed at the words that were coming out of his mouth. Just a short time ago, Bob would never have been this open with anyone, even Paul. But now here he was, confessing his feelings for Paul and basically asking him out. Paul’s heart fluttered. “Yeah. Alright.” His face broke into a grin. 

Bob giggled again. “Your smile is adorable.”

“Yeah?” Paul was blushing again. God, how did Bob affect him like this? “It’s nothing special. My teeth are all crooked.”

“Well I like it,” Bob said, standing up and stretching.

Paul looked around to make sure nobody was passing by and then grabbed Bob’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you,” he said quietly. He brushed Bob’s hair off his forehead and smiled. “Hey, I wanted to show you around the Chateau a bit. I’ve been fixing it up for the last couple days.”

“Alright,” Bob said, clutching Alvy’s leash. Paul reluctantly let go of Bob’s hand and they set off.

--

When Paul unlocked the door to the Chateau, Bob stared in wide-eyed amazement. What was once a dusty, derelict prison now looked like an entirely new place. All of the cobwebs and debris had been dusted away; the light fixtures had actual light bulbs in them; the windows, or at least the ones that weren’t smashed, had been cleaned, and any that had been broken were now boarded up. The walls of the building had all been painted white.

“I thought that white was a good shout, since it’s a blank slate,” Paul explained, looking at Bob to make sure he had made the right decision, “and we could paint on the boards on the windows too. It’s probably cheaper to paint them than to get them replaced. What do you think?” 

Bob slowly walked around the room, looking at everything in amazement.  “Paul...” Bob turned to look at the dark-haired man and paused for a few seconds, staring at him with awe. “Paul, this is incredible. How did you turn this place around so quickly?”

Paul looked away as if slightly embarrassed, but smiled softly as he felt pride in his work so far. “It didn’t take too long, really. It’s not like I have much to do in the daytime anyway.”

Bob stepped closer to Paul, and held him by the hands, looking deeply into his eyes. “You’re amazing, you know that?” Paul looked back at him, surprised by these words. He couldn’t remember anyone ever saying such kind things to him.

Their faces and bodies slowly edged closer together until their noses were brushing against each other, and they could feel the warmth of the other man’s breath on their faces. 

“I love you,” Bob whispered, taking shaky breaths.

“I love you too.” Paul blinked back tears as he replied quietly, “Thank you. Thank you for everything; for helping me, for being there for me, for believing in me. I love you so much.” Despite his best efforts to stop them, tears began to stream down his face. Bob wiped them away with this thumb and pressed a firm, lingering kiss on Paul’s lips. 

After a few moments, they ended the kiss and held each other for a long time, with Paul placing soft kisses on Bob’s cheeks every now and then, and Bob running his fingers through Paul’s thick dark hair. Bob laughed suddenly. “So much for taking things slow, I guess.”

Paul laughed too, rubbing the leftover tears out of his eyes. “Guess so.” He wrapped his arms around Bob’s waist, savoring the feeling of Bob’s fingers on his scalp.

“I think I’m going to get some people from school together and paint a mural,” Bob said, glancing around at the bare walls again. “What do you think? I mean, it’s like the biggest canvas ever!”

“Yeah!” Paul said with a grin. “I’ll help too, if you want.”

“Of course!”

“Maybe we could ask Alex if he wants to help too?”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea,” Bob said. “That will help him feel better about the whole situation with Nick, I think.” Paul nodded enthusiastically, holding Bob close, hoping that he was right.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 32

Written by: Sol, Allegra, Beth

Edited by: Sol, Allegra

Alex almost missed the call. He had been in such a deep slumber that he only noticed the phone ringing on the tenth buzz. 

It had been five days since Nick had been hospitalized, and those days had been a blur. He had been trying to carry on as normal, or at least as normal as things could be without Nick around. He endeavored to go to all of his classes, but instead he had slept through most of his alarms or just couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed, despite Bob’s encouragement. Bob gave Alex his notes so that he could catch up on the classes he missed, but Alex couldn’t seem to concentrate; he just stared at the pages, not taking anything in. He didn’t even feel like working on his art.

As soon as Alex got the call, his first thought was to find Steckrübe. He got up from Bob’s bed and ventured into the still-unfamiliar flat, searching for a certain round, brown-and-white friend. “Steck!” Alex called quietly, trying not to wake Bob and Paul. He held Alvy’s puppy leash in his hand as he checked under furniture and around corners. Somehow, within the cramped boundaries of the flat, Steckrübe was nowhere to be seen. Alex went into the bathroom and sighed. He looked at himself in the mirror and decided that he needed more sleep, but now wasn’t the time. He spotted a dark object in the reflection and turned around to see Steckrübe curled up in the corner of the bathtub. He laughed softly, “We’re going to see your best friend today, Steck.” He gave the cat a soft pat on his head. “Do you miss him? I miss him.”

Despite his comfortable tone with the cat, Alex was incredibly nervous. He felt the same way he did the night he brought Nick to the hospital, but with less urgency and more anxiety this time. The hospital staff had never given him an update on Nick’s condition, and he had no idea if he would be perfectly fine or in an even worse state than before. He sat with Steckrübe, gently petting him, until the door of the bedroom down the hall opened.

“Why are you chasing down your cat at five in the morning?” Bob asked sleepily, approaching Alex.

Alex jumped at Bob’s sudden presence. “I’m bringing him to see Nick,” Alex explained, grinning.

“Oh, he’s all good now?”

“They haven’t really told me anything other than that we can visit him today. I’m sure he’s alright, but… Who knows? Maybe he’s even ready to come home!” Alex scratched the top of Steckrübe’s head a little more aggressively than normal. 

Bob raised his eyebrows, leaning against the doorway and watching as Alex fumbled with the leash, trying to fasten it to Steck’s collar. “Need help with that?” Just as Bob asked, Alex figured it out.

“Come on, Bob,” Alex said, suddenly springing to his feet. “Let’s get ready to go. I hope Nick is doing well. Do you think he’s doing well? I think he must be doing well.” Alex was pacing now. “Do you think they’ll let us bring the cat? We’re going to have to hide him! It’s ok. He’s quiet. Should we bring food? I think Nick might like some snacks. And we’ll need them too. I made him some CDs the other day so I’ll bring those as well… and of course his favorite mythology book. Perfect! I can’t wait to see him.”

Bob stared at Alex, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Why are we going now? It’s 5:15 in the morning. Can’t it wait?”

“No! We’re going to see Nick!” Alex was practically yelling now. “Go wake up Paul!”

Bob suppressed an eye roll and stumbled back to their bedroom. Alex lifted Steckrübe and cradled him in his arms, finally happy for the first time in days.

--

The three boys walked down the hospital hallway, silent except for the soft beeping of machines and their own footsteps. Alex held Steckrübe inside his jacket, with a bag full of snacks and items for Nick on his arm. “I hope Nick likes the mix CDs I made for him,” he laughed, anxiety creeping into his usually comfortable tone, “and I hope he’s happy to see Steckrübe too.” Despite the fact that he was currently walking through a hospital, he had a spring in his step, so excited to finally be able to see Nick again. The bright fluorescent lights and white walls energized him rather than worrying him. He slowed down as he approached the wing where Nick was staying. Paul glanced over his shoulder to double check the number on the slip of paper they had been handed by the receptionist.

“This can’t be right,” Paul nudged Bob to show him the slip of paper. “I think we’re in the wrong wing. The slip says he’s in the ICU, but that can’t be right…” Paul whispered as he triple checked the numbers.

“Alex?” Bob began to tap Alex’s shoulder but stopped himself. He looked at Paul, fearful of Alex’s reaction.

“Here we are,” Alex said with a wide-eyed smile as he paused to reposition the bag and the cat. He took a deep breath, apprehensive about what he would have to face when he opened the door. He pushed it open gingerly and took a step inside.

It was worse than he could ever have imagined.

Nick lay motionless on the bed, the only visible sign of life being the slight rise and fall of his chest. Tubes came into and out of his body from all directions, all doing various jobs to monitor his condition and keep him alive. His hair was matted and greasy, his face pale, his eyes half-closed. He looked like a shell of himself. A heart monitor beeped slowly but steadily, the green line casting an eerie glow onto Nick’s bed. 

Alex felt the ground drop out from beneath himself. He began to rush to Nick's side before stopping himself halfway, terrified to get any closer. Steckrübe meowed in Alex’s jacket, but Alex just put a hand over him and didn’t move. Nick wasn’t moving either. 

Bob nudged Paul anxiously as they watched Alex. He hadn’t even stopped to take Steckrübe out of his jacket. He stood frozen in the middle of the room, the early morning light from the mostly covered window making a harsh line across his face.

“Do you think Nick knows we’re here?” Bob said softly.

Paul shook his head and took a deep breath, reaching for Bob’s hand.

Alex took another step towards the bed. “Nick?” he asked softly, watching as the tube in Nick’s throat breathed for him. There was no response. Alex couldn’t tell if Nick’s blank, glazed over blue eyes were looking at anything at all. He searched for an open spot to give Nick a reassuring touch, but there were tubes, wires, and monitors all over his body. Alex eventually decided to give Nick a reassuring pat on his upper arm. He left his hand there for a moment, waiting for a reaction. Nick’s arm felt cold to the touch.

Suddenly, it was like a light switched on. Nick blinked a few times and then fully opened his eyes. He made a small, choked sound when he saw Alex.

“Nick!” Alex smiled and kept rubbing Nick’s arm, hoping to warm him up. Nick looked up at Alex, his eyes still unfocused. The steady rhythm of the heart monitor suddenly increased. Alex jumped and stepped back, afraid he had done something wrong. He clutched the straps of the bag on his shoulder to try to control his shaking hands.

Bob approached the foot of Nick’s bed tentatively, unsure of what to say. Paul came up beside Nick and gave him a gentle touch on his forearm. “Hey,” he said quietly. Nick’s hand twitched slightly, his fingers curling up and then releasing. Paul looked back over his shoulder at Alex, keeping his fingers moving up Nick’s arm gently. “You alright?” Alex nodded, even though he really wasn’t.

“We brought you some gifts,” Bob finally managed. He held up a soft green blanket and a smiling frog plushie that he and Paul had bought for him at the hospital gift shop. Bob draped the blanket over Nick’s feet and placed the plushie against the foot of the bed.

All of a sudden Alex leaped and yelped in surprise. He had nearly forgotten about Steckrübe, who was now vigorously clawing at Alex’s chest in at attempt to free himself. Alex unzipped the jacket and dumped Steckrübe onto Nick’s bed, grabbing the leash. Steckrübe meowed and padded up toward Nick’s face. Nick’s eyes widened and his heart monitor began to beep faster and faster. Steckrübe rubbed his face on Nick’s twitching hand.

Just then, a nurse burst into the room, mouth dropping in shock when she saw Steckrübe. “Why is there a cat here?!” she yelled. “What are you doing?!”

Alex winced. “We’re just trying to help…”

“Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?!” the nurse continued, angrily picking Steckrübe off the bed. “He has a collapsed lung, has been going in and out of respiratory failure, and now he can’t breathe without a machine and you brought a cat?! Do you know how serious this is? You all need to leave.”

“No!” Alex said pleadingly, willing himself not to cry. “Please, we just wanted to see him. Look how happy he is now that we brought the cat!” He looked over at Nick, who wasn’t responding to what was going on around him. “Please let us stay. I won’t let Steckrübe on the bed, I promise.”

The nurse raised her eyebrows. “Steckrübe?”

“It means turnip in German,” Alex mumbled.

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“Look,” Paul jumped in. “We’re very sorry. We were just trying to cheer Nick up. The cat’s on a leash and we won’t let him onto the bed anymore. Okay?”

The nurse rolled her eyes. “Fine. Be careful. Exciting him will just make it all worse.” She walked over to briefly check Nick’s vitals and make sure all of his tubes were still connected properly, and then walked out without saying another word.

Bob and Paul looked at each other nervously and began whispering to one another. Alex clutched Steckrübe’s leash and stared at Nick, his head still spinning from what the nurse had just revealed to him. A collapsed lung. Respiratory failure. He can’t breathe without a machine. Alex’s mind began to race. He’s going to die. He’s never going to be able to do anything again. There’s no band anymore. I can never kiss him again— Alex looked down at Nick’s parted lips, held open by the tube, and tears began to prickle his eyes. As soon as he turned away from NIck, he bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he wasn’t so pathetic.

“Alex?” Bob said quietly, placing his hand on Alex’s shoulder. 

Alex kept his eyes shut. “Yeah?”

“Let’s leave him alone for a little bit. Come sit.” Bob grabbed Alex’s hand and pulled him over to a chair in the corner of the room. Paul pulled two more chairs over from the other side of the bed and arranged them next to each other. The three simply sat for a while, occasionally making small talk before lapsing back into a comfortable silence. Alex picked up the mythology book to entertain himself, and considered going to read it to Nick, but he wasn’t sure if he would start crying or even if Nick was still awake to listen. Steckrübe curled into a ball at Alex’s feet and dozed off. Bob dozed off after a while too, laying his head on Paul’s shoulder. Alex pretended not to notice, although his eyes occasionally drifted to Nick’s bed as he wished Nick was able to do the same.

A little while later, another nurse knocked on the door and came inside. He gave a polite nod to the group before walking over to Nick and checking to make sure everything looked good. He didn’t seem very concerned, but was cautiously checking all of the readings on the machines. Alex figured he was just used to seeing people near death. But Nick isn’t. Or maybe he is. Alex shook the thought out of his head.

Paul, quite curious about everything going on in the room, went up to the nurse. “Is Nick doing alright?”

“Yeah, well, for someone going in and out of respiratory failure,” The nurse sighed.

Paul nodded, understanding the circumstances of his question. “Is it ok if we keep this on his bed?” He picked up the frog plushie. Nick’s hand twitched.

“I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem.”

Nick’s hand twitched again. “Did you see that?” Paul asked, still holding the plushie.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sure we can fix that.”

“No, I think he’s trying to tell us something…” Paul put the plushie near Nick’s hand. He immediately grabbed it and squeezed it. “He wanted the plushie!”

The nurse laughed softly, “Maybe we could get him to use his hands to communicate with us.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Paul grinned, proud of himself for having figured the twitches out, and proud of Nick for interacting with him. He went back to sit with Alex and Bob.

The nurse eventually approached them after recording Nick’s information onto a chart on his clipboard. He began informing them of the data from the machines, and while none of them really knew what it meant, they could tell it wasn’t good. “The good news is that he’s stable for now,” the nurse explained, “and we can give him the proper care he needs. We weren’t able to clean him up for the past five days, so we’ll have to do that now.”

Alex nodded intently. “Are we allowed to stay?”

“You’re allowed if the patient allows it. I’ll go ask Nick.”

Alex followed the nurse to Nick’s bed, wanting to see how he would answer. Please, Nick, let us stay.

“Nick, would you like your friends to stay while we’re cleaning you up? Thumbs up for yes, thumbs down for no.”

Nick’s hands began to twitch rapidly. He looked around the room wildly, his eyes fully open now. Alex stood behind the nurse, looking at Nick pleadingly. Nick didn’t move, save for his twitching hands, shaking so much that he nearly threw off the oxygen monitor clipped to his right index finger.

The nurse looked at him curiously. “Is that a yes or a no? Can you do a thumbs up or a thumbs down?” 

Nick, still trembling, began trying to communicate. He made small, choking sounds, but they didn’t sound like answers. After trying everything he could, he became so frustrated that he started crying, his pale face becoming red nearly instantly.

“Well, that wasn’t a yes or a no,” the nurse sighed, “but it wasn’t a yes. So, you guys can come back in a few hours.”

With that, Alex, Bob, Paul, and Steckrübe left the room. Alex left the bag of snacks and mix CDs, hoping that its contents would be of use at some point in the future. But as he looked back at Nick as he left the room, he couldn’t be so certain.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 38

Written by: Sol, Beth, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra

Not even five minutes after Alex had finally passed out for the night, he was once again startled awake by his phone ringing. For some reason, he’d had a harder time than usual falling asleep that night. While he had gotten used to not having Nick sleeping next to him, tonight he missed him more than ever. 

“You want me to come now?” Alex sat up and watched as Steckrübe pushed the door open with his face. He glanced over at the clock, a bright red 2:47 shining back at him, and bit back a sigh. Sleep could wait. He needed to see Nick. So he threw some cold water on his face to wake himself up and rushed out to the car, speeding most of the way to the hospital.

The soft glow of the fluorescent lighting in the lobby of the ICU was becoming familiar to Alex. He strode through the automatic doors, the only sound at this hour the quiet tap of his trainers on the floor. It was strange, but the walk to Nick's room had practically become a ritual by now. Down the hallway, make a left past the nurse's station, take a right...and there he was. Nick, sitting upright in bed, his breathing tube removed, replaced with a mask.

Alex's eyes widened. Nick looked awake, and alert, and almost - almost - like the Nick that Alex loved. He couldn't suppress a smile as he walked into Nick's room and stood beside his bed. Alex glanced over his shoulder briefly - another step in the ritual - and threaded his fingers between Nick's. “Hey,” he said quietly.

Nick laced his fingers with Alex's and looked up at him, his eyes shining. “Meine liebe,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper, a small smile spreading across his face under the mask.

Alex nearly jumped when he heard Nick’s voice. Finally, after weeks of waiting, he could speak again. He squeezed Nick’s hand. “My love,” Alex replied in a whisper, sitting down beside Nick. It felt good to finally be able to say it out loud.

“Mr. Kapranos?” a voice called out from the doorway. Alex dropped Nick’s hand and they both turned to look at the dark-haired nurse striding into the room with a clipboard.

Alex stood and nodded at the man. “That’s me.”

“It’s nice to meet you. Look, Nick had a bit of an issue last night...”

“Oh?” Alex said, running his hand through his own hair nervously. “What happened?”

“Well, the bad news is he choked on his breathing tube in the middle of the night. The good news is he’s breathing on his own again,” the nurse smiled. Alex let out the breath he had been holding and smiled back. “The only problem is that he’s still very weak and his lung might not be fully healed yet, so he’ll have to use this external respirator for the time being.”

Alex nodded. “Does that mean he’ll get to leave soon?”

“We’re going to keep him for a few more days to monitor his breathing and make sure his lung doesn’t collapse again, so, yes,” the nurse said.

Alex looked back at Nick. His expression behind the mask was hard to read, but the way his eyes sparkled said it all. He turned back to the nurse. “That’s amazing. Is there anything I can help with?”

“Well… right now we could make sure he’s steady on his feet. He hasn’t moved from his bed since he got here.”

Alex nodded. “Do you want me to help?”

“Yeah, of course. For moral support.” Alex tried to hide his disappointment, but still stood behind the nurse, ready to jump into action. The nurse walked over to Nick. “Hey, do you want to try to walk? So we can see if you’re strong enough to go home soon?” Nick nodded. The nurse gently lifted Nick and helped him sit upright, placing his feet on the floor. Alex smiled at Nick and whispered some words of encouragement. Nick took a moment to compose himself, then, with the nurse holding him beneath his arms, he stood up for the first time in over a month.

Nick swayed from side to side in his spot, immediately feeling as though the room was spinning around him. He held onto the nurse with shaking hands, trying not to topple over and knowing that if he did, he would probably be stuck in the hospital for even longer. He looked over at Alex, who was smiling and giving him a thumbs up of approval. He looked… proud of him. Nick smiled under the mask despite his intense discomfort.

“Do you think you can take a step?”

Nick looked up at Alex, who nodded in response to the question. Nick nodded as well and tried to move his leg. He kept his weak, shaking grip as he shifted and wiggled and tried to make something happen.

“... Could I help?” Alex asked. The nurse gave him a puzzled look. “I could help hold him up. Maybe—”

The nurse shook his head. “Let’s see if he can take a step first.”

Nick tried to regain some balance and composure, but couldn’t. He was getting tired. Fast. Alex could see the uncertainty in Nick’s eyes and went over to him, grabbing his hands to keep him steady. The nurse stepped back, but stayed ready to help.

“One step, Nick. Then you can rest,” Alex said softly.

Nick mustered up all his strength and drew his right leg up, carefully placing it back on the floor in front of him. Alex beamed, only holding on tighter. Nick tried again with his left leg, and…everything in the room began to spin around him. He became dizzier and dizzier until he toppled over into Alex’s arms. Alex caught him and sat him down on the edge of the bed. He felt Nick shaking in his arms worse than he’d ever seen. 

Despite this, he savored the feeling for a moment, knowing that it was the closest thing to a hug or a cuddle that he could get at the moment. Nick felt… not like himself. At all. He felt small, fragile, and even a bit colder than usual. He looked completely disheveled, with his hair a mess and wearing a heavily-used hospital gown. Alex wanted to help the younger man more than anything, but knew there wasn’t much he could do right now. Shaking his concern, Alex encouraged him anyway. “Great job,” he said softly. Nick smiled, although he was still shaking and wheezing and trying to catch his breath. 

The nurse hit a few buttons and turned a few dials on the respirator machine. He then helped Nick get back into bed and pulled up the blankets around him. “We can try again tomorrow, okay?” the nurse said with a smile. Nick gave a weak nod.

Once the nurse had left and shut the door behind him, Alex pulled up a chair beside Nick’s bed and curled his thin frame into a ball. He held Nick’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. Nick had already fallen asleep. Alex shifted into a more comfortable position and joined him in slumber soon after.

A few hours later, there was a knock on the door, and someone new entered the room.

“Alex?”

Alex uncurled his legs and blinked the sleep out of his eyes. “That’s me.”

“Hi, I’m Doctor Gillis. You’re Nick’s flatmate?” Alex nodded. “He’s set to go home in four days. How’s the flat?”

“I’ve been staying with friends, so...I guess a bit dusty, but clean otherwise.”

The doctor nodded. “Nick’s going to need to be quarantined until he can breathe on his own. Lots of illnesses going around this time of year, and his immune system isn’t ready to handle them yet. We’re going to need you to clean the flat before we can let Nick go home.”

“Yeah, of course,” Alex grinned, finally realizing the reality of the situation. Four days.

That evening, after bringing everything home from Bob and Paul’s flat, Alex opened the door to Nick’s bedroom and flicked on the light. The room looked… empty. Unused. Alex went over to the bed and stripped the sheets off, tossing them out into the hall. Nick needs fresh sheets when he comes home. He’s coming home. He’s coming home! 

As soon as Alex returned with a clean set of sheets, he noticed something shiny sticking out from beneath the bed. He leaned over the bed to see a pile of small, mostly metal objects. And then he saw a pile consisting of rocks, and another one made up of bottle caps. Alex put the sheets down and knelt on the floor amid the piles, wondering what to do with them. He picked up a fork from the pile of metal objects. Where did he even get this? Sifting through the piles, Alex felt clueless. These items were useless to him, but to Nick, they were clearly special. He didn’t want to move something that obviously meant so much to Nick, but his conversation with the doctor earlier that day had frightened him. If he wanted Nick to recover, he would have to do whatever the doctor said - and in this case, he had to clean the flat until it was spotless.

A little while later, after Nick’s bedroom had been fully cleaned, Alex flopped down on the sofa, the letter that Nick had written him clutched in his left hand. He had located some small cardboard boxes and carefully placed Nick’s piles into them, stacking them in the closet in the bedroom for Nick to go through someday. Alex was surprised to see that Nick had actually organized his clothes in the closet as well, including a denim jacket that he had never seen before. 

As he read through the letter again, Alex almost started sobbing. He couldn’t even imagine how much energy it had taken Nick to write it. He thought back on the past month - it felt more like a dream than anything else. The first time he had seen Nick lying there - tubes and wires sticking out everywhere, only living because a machine was breathing for him - was the most frightening thing he had ever seen. He looked so...helpless. Yet, somehow, Nick had pulled through. And despite everything that had happened, Nick’s eyes still lit up every time Alex walked into the room.

Your eyes are bright with life.

And life is bright with you. 

Alex sat bolt upright. “Your eyes are bright with life, and life is bright with you,” he murmured. He said it again. And again - and as fast as his legs could carry him, he leapt off the sofa and ran to Nick’s bedroom. He grabbed Nick’s guitar and sat on the floor, and then started writing. He kept writing and playing until the sun came up, and he fell asleep cradling his guitar, dreaming of Nick.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 40 (Part 1)

Written by: Sol, Allegra, Beth Edited by: Allegra

Alex had finished cleaning up dinner hours ago while Nick napped in his room. He looked tired, but peaceful. Alex could almost ignore the dark circles around Nick’s sunken eyes as he enjoyed his first proper sleep in over a month. As he gazed at Nick while he slept, Alex realised that looking after him was going to be more difficult than he thought it would be; Nick couldn’t really do anything for himself at all. He seemed to shut down, staring off into the distance. Even the smallest task, as dinner proved, wore him out entirely. 

Seeing Nick in this state reminded Alex of Nick’s first night home from the abandoned prison. He looked so tired and disheveled, too upset and scared to look after himself. He had come such a long way in such a short amount of time, only to be completely set back. Alex felt guilty as he mourned the Nick he knew before the accident. He still didn’t smell the same, like peaches, and his hair was no longer soft. Alex’s guilt rapidly turned into determination as he realized that it was his job to do something about it. It felt greasy and tangled as Alex ran his hand through it, talking to Nick as he slept. Nick was wheezing slightly despite the mask. “It's okay,” Alex murmured. “You can do it. Just keep breathing.” 

He sat with Nick until Steckrübe decided to get up, standing on Nick’s stomach. Nick woke up abruptly and laughed softly when he saw Steckrübe standing on him. But… then he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He sat up and pushed Steck onto the floor, gasping. Alex grabbed Nick's hand, his eyes wide. “Are you alright?!”

Nick nodded and laughed again, but then looked down to make sure Steck was okay. Luckily, he was sitting safely next to the bed. Nick pulled Alex’s arm, wanting to cuddle, but Alex rejected him again.

“Hey, Nick?” Alex asked, once again playing with Nick’s hair.

Nick looked up and nodded.

“Did they give you a bath this morning at the hospital?”

Nick stared blankly into space, then frowned and shook his head. “I don't... remember,” he said, barely audible. All of his memories of his time in the hospital had blurred together. Nick found it quite difficult to tell the time and date when the windows were closed and he was sleeping and waking up at odd hours of the day.

“Oh! Okay,” Alex replied, trying to choose his words carefully. “I was just...thinking that...maybe you could...take a bath? I could... I could help you take a bath?”

Nick nodded at Alex's request, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. But he did feel greasy, after all, and he would feel better once he was clean.

“I’ll go get everything ready, and then… I’ll help you get there. Is that alright?” Alex picked out fresh pajamas for Nick and went to put them in the bathroom. He turned on the bathtub faucet and watched it fill up slowly. As he poured a small amount of bubble bath into the rising water, he noticed his hands shaking. It was just a bath, right? He was just helping Nick take a bath. So why was he so nervous?

Alex returned to the bedroom and helped Nick swing his legs off the side of the bed. He picked up Nick’s ventilator. “Do you think you can walk to the bathroom or do you want the wheelchair?” he asked.

“Chair,” Nick said softly. Alex nodded in response and guided Nick into the wheelchair, placing the ventilator on his lap and carefully rolling him down the hall into the bathroom. They stopped in the middle of the bathroom floor and Nick looked up at Alex expectantly. “Can you...help?”

“Help? Help what?”

“My clothes,” Nick said softly, looking slightly embarrassed.

SHIT. Alex hadn’t thought this far ahead. “Oh! Of course, yeah!” He laughed nervously and removed the ventilator mask from Nick’s face. He tried to steady his shaking hands as he slipped Nick’s arms out of his t-shirt and pulled it up over his head. He then put the mask back on Nick, making sure it was secure. Alex stood Nick up and gently tugged down his pajama bottoms before tossing them on top of the discarded shirt. “Can you, uh…” he said to Nick, gently touching the waistband of Nick’s boxers. Nick nodded, pulling them down and wriggling out of them. Alex averted his eyes, although he could still feel his face getting hot. Luckily, the lights were dim enough in the bathroom that Nick wouldn’t notice.

God, Alex, the voice in his head hissed, what the hell is wrong with you? He’s your boyfriend, for God’s sake. It’s nothing you haven’t thought about before. Alex closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Ok, ready?” he asked.

“Ready,” Nick replied with a smile. He stood, lifted one leg shakily and began to climb into the tub, grabbing onto Alex’s shoulder for balance. Alex felt a slight sense of relief as Nick sank down below the bubbles, leaving only his shoulders and chest exposed.

Nick looked soft in the dim light of the bathroom. Alex had kept all of the lights off except one so he could see what he was doing. Alex cupped his hands, scooped some water out of the tub, and poured it over Nick’s head. Nick giggled at the sensation. Alex grabbed the shampoo off the shelf and squeezed some of it into his hands. He started washing Nick’s hair with a slight sense of caution, not wanting anything to drip into the ventilator mask. Alex worked the shampoo into Nick’s hair, massaging his scalp. Nick made a soft noise of approval and closed his eyes. Alex smiled to himself as he carefully rinsed the shampoo out, making sure to avoid Nick’s face. He then did the same with the conditioner, adding a little kiss on Nick’s forehead when he was done. This was nowhere near as bad as he had expected it to be.

When Alex was finished, he pulled out the stopper and helped Nick sit upright. He placed his arms under Nick’s armpits and lifted him carefully to sit on the edge of the tub, wrapping a towel around him. He dried him off and ruffled his hair with the towel. Nick smelled like peaches again. Finally. Alex helped Nick get dressed, sitting him down in the wheelchair so he wouldn’t flop over. Alex removed the mask again and helped Nick wiggle into his shirt. “Can you do the rest?” Alex asked, handing Nick the rest of his clothes. Luckily, Nick could put everything on but his socks. He shifted and wiggled and tried to pick his legs up, but couldn’t. Alex knelt down next to him and slipped the fuzzy socks onto his feet. 

Alex rolled Nick back into the bedroom and placed the ventilator back on the nightstand. He lifted Nick back into bed and laid him down. Nick looked up at Alex lovingly, and Alex wanted nothing more than to kiss Nick’s lips, to wrap Nick in his arms and pull him close...but he couldn’t. “Nick?” he asked quietly. Nick looked up at him quizzically. “I know the doctor said you need to be quarantined...but...do you want me to stay?” 

Nick nodded vigorously, his eyes wide; he was afraid of being alone in this condition, and being with Alex helped to keep his mind off of how awful his entire body felt. Alex slipped out of his jeans and socks and stretched himself out alongside Nick. He hesitated to put an arm around Nick, afraid of hurting him. Instead he reached his hand up and laid it on Nick’s chest. Nick lifted his right hand and grabbed Alex’s, intertwining their fingers. He was asleep in no time.

“Love you, Nick,” Alex said softly. He laid there for a while, listening to the ventilator and feeling Nick’s chest rise and fall, making sure that he was safe.

Alex knew Nick wasn’t going to instantly get better, but he didn’t expect him to be completely dependent. Nick shifted in his sleep, grabbing onto Alex’s arm and nuzzling his face into his shoulder. The smooth plastic of the mask felt cold on Alex’s skin. He reached to stroke Nick’s hair, which was still slightly damp from his bath. At least he finally smelled clean and soft again. Alex had missed that. For now, it could only come from Alex taking care of him. Alex didn’t want to clean Nick up again, but based on his condition, he knew he would have to. Maybe Nick would become more comfortable with it, too.

After about an hour, Alex slowly crept to the living room and returned to Nick’s bedroom with a beanbag chair. Although Nick was quarantined, Alex had promised he would stay. He curled up on the beanbag and, holding Nick’s hand, fell asleep.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 41

Written by: Sol, Beth, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra

After he had left Nick to stew in his own anger, Alex sat in the hallway and listened to the sound of Nick’s ventilator whirring. He didn’t want to leave in case Nick was still struggling to breathe, but after twenty minutes Alex decided that he was fine, and went to the living room. 

He flopped onto the sofa and began staring at the ceiling; his stomach cramped in guilt. I pushed him too far. What if this makes him worse? What if he hates me? A thousand awful thoughts swirled around his head, so many that he almost felt dizzy. Alex couldn't take it any longer. He pulled out his phone and texted Paul. 

Alex: Are you awake?

He nervously flipped his phone open and closed, waiting for a message.

Alex: Call me please. I need you.

Alex had nearly given up hope when his phone began to buzz. “Oh thank god,” he murmured as he pressed the green button. “Hello?”

“Are you alright?” Paul's voice was quiet but filled with genuine concern.

“Yeah...well...no, not really.”

“What happened?”

Alex turned and looked down the hall towards his bedroom. “Nick…” he said shakily.

“Shit, is he ok?! What happened now?!” Paul's voice grew more frantic. “Do you need me to come over?”

“No, no, he's ok. I mean,” Alex faltered, “I think he's ok? I...I think I screwed everything up.” His chest felt tight. He bit back tears.

Paul paused, unsure of what to say. “I mean...I don't know what happened, but I don't think that's true at all. Nick loves you. And you love him. I don't think it's anything you can't fix…”

Alex buried his face in the arm of the sofa, hot tears slipping down his cheeks. He did love Nick. He loved Nick more than anything or anyone he'd ever loved before. Why had he been so stupid? 

“You there?” 

Alex came back to reality. He took a deep breath to try and sound as normal as possible. “Yeah. I just...I want him to feel better, and he's not getting any better, and I tried to help him walk, but I pushed him too far beyond his limits and he fell and now he's in bed and won't talk to me—” Alex put his hand over the mouthpiece as a sob escaped him.

“Alex,” Paul said in a voice so gentle that it only made Alex cry harder. 

“I knew I wouldn’t be able to help him; he’ll be back in the hospital by tomorrow—”

“Alex!” Paul cut him off. “Don’t say that!”

Alex looked up, staring blankly into the empty flat, gasping for breath. He could still hear the whirring sound coming from Nick’s room. Maybe the whirring sound could hear him, too.

“Alex?”

“Yeah—” Alex was shaken back to reality once again. “What do I do? I can’t leave him alone for too long…”

“Talk it out,” Paul said matter of factly. Alex could almost see him shrugging and giving him a casual smile.

“How do I talk it out with someone who can barely speak?”

“Listen to what he has to say,” Paul advised, “and respond with a bit of empathy.”

“You think I’m not already doing that?”

“Alex, I haven’t been there to see it, and I know you’re trying, but… please, really try to listen to him. He’s angry because he’s helpless and feels like you aren't listening to him.”

Alex regained a bit of composure. “Right.” 

“He’s just frustrated. I’d be frustrated too if I couldn’t walk or breathe by myself.”

Alex nodded, and then remembered he had to express something verbally. “Yeah,” he sighed.

“Give Nick a moment or two to rest, alright? Make yourself tea or something. Leave enough water in the kettle for Nick as well, if he wants some. And then, go talk to him.”

“Okay,” Alex finally smiled. “How do you know all of this?”

“Ah, it’s just what I’d do with my Bobbo if we were in the same situation.”

“Your Bobbo?” Alex laughed softly, through the tears that continued to well up in his eyes.

“Yeah, my Bobbo…” Alex could practically hear Paul’s smile through the phone. “I don’t know what I’d do if he were in the same situation as Nick. That must be so hard.”

“It sounds like you do. And it is, but… It’s better than him being back in the abandoned prison.”

“You’re right,” Paul agreed. “Hey, you feeling better now?”

“Yeah. Thanks. Sorry to bother you.”

“No worries,” Paul replied. “I think Bob’s got some stuff to do today, but maybe tomorrow we can come by and visit? If Nick’s up to it...”

“Oh! Sure!” Alex smiled. “I mean, as long as he hasn’t kicked me out or anything.”

Paul laughed softly. “He can’t kick you out of your own flat. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’ll text you later, yeah?”

“Okay,” Alex said, hoping Paul was right.

After they had said their goodbyes, Alex did exactly what Paul said. He brewed himself a cup of tea and sat on the sofa with it. It tasted more like pure warmth than anything else. He missed Nick’s presence beside him. Nick felt more like pure warmth than anything else. At least Alex had left some water in the kettle for him.

Give him a moment or two, and then… Alex got up from the sofa and ventured to Nick’s room, stopping outside the door for a moment, or maybe more than a moment. The whirring sound was louder than ever as he entered the room. “Nick?” He went over to Nick and waited for him to react. Nick's eyes were closed, but Alex could tell by his face that he wasn't actually asleep. "Nick??" he said again, a little louder this time. Nick opened his eyes and glared at Alex. He rolled over and faced the wall.

"Nick," Alex repeated again, softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Can we talk? Please?"

Although Nick was facing the other way, Alex could hear him grumble. Nick pulled at the mask and tried to take it off, but his grip was too weak. Alex reached for the mask and secured it onto Nick’s face.

“Can you speak with the settings like that?” Alex asked, seeing the rate at which the little machine was whirring and puffing. Had he ruined Nick’s vocal cords too?

Nick shook his head, trying to choke out any sound that he could. Nothing.

“Alright, alright, I’ll change it,” Alex pressed a few buttons and set the ventilator settings back to normal. “There we go. So… do you want to talk it out?”

Nick grumbled again. Alex frowned and tried to stroke Nick’s hair. He had never seen Nick act this way. It was difficult to take him seriously when his arguments were quiet grumbles and he had fuzzy socks on his feet, but Alex remembered Paul’s advice.

“I’m sorry for pushing you too far earlier,” Alex sighed as he tried to stroke Nick’s hair again. Nick pushed him away and mumbled something to himself. “I just want to help you,” Alex said quietly.

Nick finally looked up at Alex. “Fine. Let’s talk.” His voice was still quiet and sounded like it could break at any moment. Alex still had to lean in a bit to hear him.

“Alright. Are you feeling okay? Can you breathe now?”

“Obviously not,” Nick mumbled and turned away from Alex. “I still have this...stupid mask on.”

“It’s only temporary…”

“Easy to say when… you’re not the one wearing it,” Nick said haltingly. He reached up to the mask to try to take it off, but Alex stopped him.

“You’re right. I’m just glad you’re breathing at all.”

“You tried to… get me to stop earlier.” Nick pulled the blankets up to his eyes.

“Please, Nick… it wasn’t on purpose. I just didn’t know your limits.”

“You should now,” Nick muttered, hiding his face.

“I do,” Alex smiled. “I know now. Sorry about all that.”

Nick nodded and finally looked up at Alex. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“You didn’t worry me,” Alex gently patted Nick’s hair. Nick didn’t try to throw him off this time.

“I heard you... talking to Paul...you were worried.”

“I just want you to feel better…”

“Well it… won’t happen... instantly.”

“Yeah. I know.” Alex looked down at Nick and stroked his hair. “I just thought… never mind.”

“Thought what?”

“I thought you could walk that far.”

“I can’t,” Nick grumbled again and turned away from Alex.

Alex corrected Nick softly, “Not yet.”

Nick sighed and slowly pushed himself upright. “Not yet.”

Alex was still having a hard time taking Nick seriously. His voice was so soft and quiet, constantly being dragged away by the rhythm of the ventilator.

“Are you feeling better from earlier, though?” Alex asked, stroking Nick’s hair softly.

“Yeah, I’m not… on the floor choking.”

“That’s good to hear.” Alex smiled and continued waiting for Nick to face him again.

“It hurts, Alex... Everything hurts. And I’m... scared,” Nick finally broke, turning to Alex. Tears spilled down his cheeks. He hugged Alex and buried his face in his chest. “I’m scared.”

Alex wrapped his arms around Nick and held him. Nick continued to cry, but felt soothed by Alex. It was comforting to finally be held again. After a while, once Nick calmed down, Alex sat him up again.

“Nick, look at me.”

Nick turned to him, looking sleepy but appreciative nonetheless.

“You’re going to get better. I’m here for you and I always will be. Never doubt that, alright? I love you.” Alex hugged him again, feeling Nick’s heart beat steadily.

Nick hugged Alex back. “I love you too.”

“I made tea, you want some?” Alex smiled as he brushed Nick’s hair out of his eyes.

Nick nodded and smiled, his eyes finally bright.

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 29

Written by: Sol Edited by: Allegra

Later that week, the boys were opening for a local band at a real venue for the first time. They finally had a proper stage and a backstage area that wasn’t a run-down kitchen or an empty expanse of warehouse floor. Tonight, the boys had a crowd. Sure, a crowd that wasn’t there for them, but a crowd nonetheless. Alex paced around the dressing room as Paul munched on a bag of crisps, watching Bob play a rhythm game on his Gameboy. Nick sat across the room, staring blankly ahead, half-watching as Alex passed by over and over. Alex wondered what could possibly be going on in Nick’s head that was more entertaining than the world around him.

Alex nudged Nick’s shoulder. “You should eat something before we go onstage,” he said, handed him some apple slices. Nick ate them cautiously; every time Alex passed by, he noticed that Nick had only taken a few small bites. “And maybe get off the floor?” Alex asked on his next loop around the room. Nick shook his head in response.

The crowd wasn’t too happy to see that some unknown art school band was performing that night, but Alex was confident that they could win them over and maybe even perform better than the main act. Once again, as soon as the Franz boys stepped onstage, Nick came to life. He looked over at Alex and grinned, standing in front of his keyboard, his guitar in hand.

Three songs in, the crowd was warming up quite a bit. It actually seemed like they were…interested. As he was furiously strumming away on one of the new songs they had practiced that week, Nick saw an opportunity to give the audience even more energy. As his part in the song ended, he set his guitar in its stand, ran to the edge of the stage, and dove into the crowd.

Nick severely misjudged the distance between the stage and the barricade. His body tensed as he slammed into the metal bar on top of the barrier, leaving a dizzy ringing in his head and a sharp pain in his chest. He slid down to the ground and stayed there for a moment, trying to regain a sense of where he was and how he could get back onstage. He looked back up at the stage, the lights blurring his vision. Alex was still performing like nothing had even happened. Bob gave him a look of slight concern, which Nick returned with a small nod. He climbed back onstage, the pain in his chest worsening when he pressed against the side of the stage to try to pull himself up. His vision became even more dazed as tears began to mix with the bright lights. He reached for a water bottle and took a sip, and then picked up his guitar and continued playing. Luckily, there were only a few songs left until he could rest and let his body reset.

When Alex finally looked over at Nick, he could immediately tell that something was wrong. Nick had lost all of his usual onstage energy, and was focused on not moving at all. He looked scared again, ready to start sobbing at any moment. Paul noticed as well and tried to rush the rest of the band through the last song so Nick could get off the stage as soon as possible. As soon as the show ended, Nick packed up and stood next to Alex as he talked to some people backstage, waiting to finally go home. Alex occasionally caught a glance at the paleness of Nick’s face and the terrified expression in his eyes. When Alex noticed Nick leaning into the corner, barely holding himself upright, he hastily said his goodbyes and pulled on Nick’s arm. “Alright. Let’s go home.”

They slipped out through the back exit of the venue, lugging two guitars and a keyboard with them. Alex packed the instruments into the back of his car. “Great show, huh? They really seemed to love us...”

“Yeah,” Nick said groggily.

“You sure took a tumble tonight, huh?” he asked Nick as he started driving back towards their flat.

“Yeah,” Nick said again in a soft voice, the pain in his chest becoming more prevalent by the minute.

“You’re feeling alright, though? You weren’t acting like yourself...”

“I’m fine.” Nick rubbed the back of his neck. The pain increased with every movement.

“It looked like it hurt...”

Nick nodded and looked out the rain-splattered window at the city lights passing by. “It did.”

“Do you want to get it checked out? You don’t look too good.”

Nick shook his head and took as deep of a breath as he could manage. He knew something was very wrong. But Alex couldn’t know. Nick wouldn’t allow it.

Upon entering the flat, Nick immediately went to get ready for bed, hoping he could sleep off his injury. Steckrübe followed him into the bathroom.

“Ah, Steck…” Nick scooped him up but had to put him down due to the pain. He locked the bathroom door and stared at himself in the mirror. “Not good…” He spotted a bruise forming around the scar on the left side of his chest. Steckrübe hopped onto the counter and nuzzled Nick’s face. Nick patted Steckrübe’s head and continued examining his injury.

Alex knocked on the door a few minutes later. “Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you alright in there?”

Nick opened the door and looked up at Alex.

“Can I see where you hit the barricade?”

Nick pointed vaguely to his chest, not lifting up his shirt.

“Maybe we should get that checked out.”

Nick shook his head and pulled Alex’s sweatshirt on over his shirt. He quietly slunk off to Alex’s room, where he flopped onto the bed with more caution than usual. Alex followed right behind, flopping next to him and running a hand through Nick’s hair.

“Why’d you decide to stage dive tonight, anyway?”

“Never did it before. But hey...I’ll try anything once,” Nick murmured softly as he pulled the blankets around himself, the pain in his chest growing even sharper.

---

Alex slipped into the classroom as quietly as he could, making his way to his usual seat while trying to act like he wasn’t strolling in ten minutes late. He slid into his chair and glanced over at Bob, who was doodling in his sketchbook, obviously not listening to the lesson. Bob didn’t look up. “Hey,” Alex whispered.

“Hey,” Bob replied in a soft voice, eyes still downcast. Alex shifted uneasily. The tension was unbearable.

Once their professor had finished her lesson and sent the class off to work, Alex decided to try and break the silence. “That was a really great show last night, huh?”

“Mmm,” Bob replied, the grip on his pencil noticeably tighter whenever Alex spoke to him. “How’s Nick?”

“I’m not sure, to be completely honest with you,” Alex sighed, flipping to a new page in his sketchbook. “I walked him to class this morning and he got all dizzy and had to take a break…he just sat down in the middle of the sidewalk. I’m worried.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound good.” Bob looked around the room, not wanting to focus too much on Alex.

“You did great last night, though. You’re incredible for someone who just started.”

“Thanks,” Bob nodded and went back to sketching. Don’t give him too much attention. He flipped the pages of his sketchbook, lingering for a moment on the sketch of Alex, the memories of their hookup the other night swirling through his mind, despite his attempts to push them away.

Suddenly, Alex’s phone started ringing. He flipped it open to see the caller ID. Bob looked up, a bit confused, because Alex was always sure to leave his phone on silent. Alex mouthed something to Bob that he couldn’t quite understand and left the room.

“Can you come pick me up?”

“What’s wrong?” Alex leaned against the wall outside the classroom.

“I feel sick…” Nick sounded a bit out of it over the phone.

“Alright. After class. And then we’re going to get you checked out.”

“I’m fine. Just take me home.”

“I’m only picking you up if we can go get you some medical attention.”

“I just need to rest…”

“Fine. I’ll be there in about an hour, alright? Do you want me to bring anything?”

Nick paused. “Snack for Steckrübe?”

Alex laughed softly. “Okay. Be there soon.” Alex returned to class and started packing his bag.

“Going somewhere?” Bob asked, once again not looking up from his drawing.

“Yeah, picking up Nick,” Alex sighed as he continued to collect his belongings.

“Don’t worry about cleaning up your desk,” Bob smiled. “I can stay for a minute after class to clean up.”

“No, I can clean up, I promise!”

“I’ll do it for you. Go get Nick.”

Alex finally gave in and thanked Bob before gathering his belongings and quietly leaving class. Bob watched as he left, still unable to shake the memory of their tryst. It had been good. Very, very good. Bob couldn't deny that. But as soon as it had ended, something had changed. Bob wasn’t sure if it was his anxiety playing tricks on him, but something seemed...different with Alex now. And on top of that, Bob felt sick with guilt at the fact that he had lied to Paul when he’d come home later than expected. He desperately wanted both Paul and Alex, that was certain. How could he ever choose? Bob sighed and put his pencil back to the paper.

Alex found Nick sitting on a bench in the main hall of the music school, slumped against the wall, holding his guitar and Steckrübe’s bag. Alex took both the guitar and the bag from Nick. “Maybe we should get a leash for the cat so you don’t have to hold him all the time,” Alex laughed, trying to ease the tense, heavy mood.

Nick nodded, but didn’t get up from the bench. Alex helped him up, letting him lean against him. Nick’s chest hurt more and more with each step, his breathing becoming more and more painful and uneven. He kept pushing on despite the pain, not wanting Alex, or anyone around them, to know how much it hurt. As soon as they reached the flat, Nick went into Alex’s room and fell asleep on the bed, not even bothering to get changed. Alex watched anxiously from the doorway as Nick tossed and turned in his sleep.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 39

Written by: Sol, Allegra Edited by: Allegra

Five days later, it was finally the start of winter break, and Nick was finally ready to go home. He was strong enough to sit up on his own and could even get out of bed and take a few steps, but walking outside or even just down the hall was impossible. But the worst was over.

The cold rain beat down on the windscreen of Alex's car as he turned into the hospital parking lot. As happy as he was that Nick was finally coming home, he couldn't help but feel apprehensive. Nick would need to be monitored constantly for illnesses, and oxygen levels, and whether his mostly-healed lung had collapsed once again - and all of this responsibility suddenly fell on Alex's shoulders. He'd taken care of Nick plenty, but this was different. This was quite literally life or death.

Alex shook his head to clear those thoughts from his brain, flicking his fringe out of his eyes. He pulled up the driveway to the main entrance and parked. He got out of his car and trudged through the wind and rain towards the automatic doors, umbrella clutched tightly in his hand, trying not to think about taking care of Nick.

As the glass doors slid open, Alex noticed that someone was sitting in a wheelchair in the lobby, oxygen mask on his face and a shoebox-sized machine in his lap. Two plushies, a frog and a panda, sat behind the machine. There was a momentary disconnect before Alex realized—

“Nick!” he exclaimed, a little bit louder than he had planned on. Alex walked over to Nick and placed a hand on his shoulder, grinning to hide his nerves. Nick was dressed in blue-and-white striped hospital pajamas and Alex’s zip-up hoodie, and he had his green blanket draped around his shoulders. Alex noticed that his hair didn’t look as soft as usual. I guess that’s my job now. Alex thanked the nurse standing nearby and then turned back to Nick.

“Are we… going home now?” Nick asked in a voice nearly too soft for Alex to hear.

“What was that?” Alex leaned in closer.

Nick repeated his question. He couldn’t say it any louder. Luckily, Alex heard him this time.

“Yeah. We’re going home,” Alex smiled. “You’re going home.”

Alex started rolling Nick towards the doors. Nick beamed as the doors parted. Despite the storm, he was happy just to feel the outside world again.

“Ah! Forgot this…” Once they were outside, under the overhang by the doors, Alex opened the umbrella and placed it in Nick’s hand. “Hold on if you can,” he instructed him. “I think we might have to run.”

Nick nodded, still smiling, and clutched the umbrella.

“You ready?” Alex asked. Nick nodded again. “Alright, let’s go then!” Alex took off running through the car park, making sure to still be cautious with Nick and not accidentally flip him over. 

Alex came to a sudden stop when they finally reached his car. He closed the umbrella and threw it into the backseat, along with the backpack on the back of the wheelchair. He then helped Nick get into the passenger seat, holding onto him to make sure he didn’t trip or topple over. As he sat Nick down, he kissed his forehead lightly, then ducked back outside to fold the wheelchair up and placed it in the boot of the car. Alex climbed back into the driver's seat, running his hand through his damp hair and tousling it. 

Nick was still happy just to be out of the hospital. Even though the rain was cold, it felt good on his skin. He looked up at Alex as he started to pull out of the car park.

“What do you want for dinner tonight?” Alex asked when he noticed Nick staring at him. Nick, still not used to having his voice back, didn’t say anything. “Soup, maybe?” Alex asked again.

“Soup…” Nick grinned. He missed being able to eat. He hadn’t tasted anything since the day before he left for the hospital.

“I can make you my favorite soup from back home! But I might need to shop for ingredients first…”

Nick nodded, reassuring Alex. Once he was home, he would be fine. He just needed to rest. He wouldn’t be afraid this time… he couldn’t be. He was too tired.

Alex parked at the flat block and helped Nick get into the wheelchair. Nick’s eyes were still bright, but he looked tired. Sleepy. Alex carefully balanced Nick's ventilator and all of his personal belongings on his lap and quickly pushed him to the front door so as not to get him too wet. “Almost there!” Alex pressed the button for the elevator and waited for a moment. He never took the elevator. The lights inside flickered and he was always afraid that the cable would snap and send him plummeting to the basement. Soon enough, the metal doors to the elevator slid open, and Alex rolled Nick inside. Alex held Nick’s hand and waited for the elevator to finally reach their floor. The ventilator hummed and whirred in Nick’s lap. Nick didn’t seem to mind. The elevator doors opened again and Alex rolled Nick to the door of the flat. He fumbled with the key before rolling Nick inside.

“Steck!” Nick whispered as he saw Steckrübe running to the entrance of the flat to greet him. He reached out to pat him with shaking hands. Alex continued pushing Nick until they reached his bedroom. 

“Want to try to walk to your bed?” Alex asked. Nick nodded weakly. Alex locked the wheels and picked up Nick’s ventilator, balancing it in his arms. Nick grasped the arms of his wheelchair and pushed himself upward unsteadily. He immediately plopped back down in his seat. Alex’s heart sank as he watched Nick struggle. He handed the ventilator back to Nick and wheeled him over. Once he was situated on the bed, Nick finally allowed himself to relax.

Alex tucked an extra pillow under the left side of Nick’s chest. “Need anything?” he asked after making sure Nick was perfectly tucked in. Nick shook his head in response. “Some water, maybe?”

Nick nodded and Alex left the room to prepare a glass of water. Nick could already feel his eyes starting to close, until a familiar round friend hopped onto the bed. “Steckrübe...” he said softly, beaming. Steckrübe padded across the bed and plopped himself down at Nick's side. Nick reached out to gently scratch Steck's chin and ears. He hadn't seen Steck in ages, not since Alex's ill-fated first visit to the hospital. His fur felt soft. Nick had missed it.

Alex came back with the glass of water and handed it to Nick, who still had one hand on Steckrübe. “Is it ok if I leave to get the ingredients for your soup now?” Nick nodded, too tired to object.

Alex sighed as once again, he trekked through the rain to his car. Just lemons and stuff for the broth. You’ll only be a half hour. Nick will be fine. As he drove down the street to the supermarket, Alex’s thoughts only darkened. He tried to distract himself as he approached the shop and went inside, the fluorescent lights hurting his eyes. He walked through the aisles with an intent, but couldn’t find any of the necessary ingredients at first. His mind was too focused on what could be going on in the flat. What if he pissed himself? What if he stopped breathing and can't call me? What if he's dead? 

Alex found the lemons and went to locate the other ingredients. What if I make this soup for him and he can’t even eat it? Alex made his way towards the checkout counter and fumbled around in his pockets looking for his wallet. His hands felt cold. He’ll be back in the hospital before tomorrow. I know it. I can’t take care of him. I’ll just let him down.

Alex arrived back at the flat fifteen minutes later and unlocked the door. The flat was eerily silent. Alex put the soup ingredients down in the kitchen. “Nick, you alright?” he called out to the empty flat, There was no response. Alex didn’t even want to check. Nick was dead; he knew it. He crept quietly towards Nick’s room, his heart pounding, and slowly turned the doorknob. Maybe I should leave this door open next time. Actually, maybe I shouldn’t even leave him home alone next time. Alex peeked into the room to see Nick peacefully asleep with Steckrübe by his side. Alex sighed in relief and went to Nick to wake him up. He patted Nick’s head gently and watched as his eyes opened. “I’m back,” he said softly and kissed Nick’s forehead. “I’m going to make your soup now. Do you want to come into the kitchen with me?” 

Nick looked up at Alex and reached out to grab his arm. He held onto him and tried to pull him down to cuddle.

“No, no cuddling now! I have to make your dinner!” Alex laughed and pulled away from Nick. “Do you want to sit in the kitchen with me or stay here?”

“I-I’m sleepy…” Nick murmured and reached for Alex’s arm again.

“Alright. Stay here. I’ll wake you up for dinner.”

Nick flopped back down on the pillow as Alex left the room. Alex kept the door open, hoping to reassure himself that everything would be alright. He set to work on the avgolemono soup - a staple of Greek cuisine, the dish Alex’s mother had cooked for him whenever he was sick. It seemed to have a sort of magical healing property about it, and Alex hoped that it could cure Nick, too.

Alex had made the soup so many times now that the process had become routine for him, which allowed his mind to wander. As he absentmindedly stirred the broth, watching the pieces of chicken swirl around, he thought about Nick. How happy he was to finally have him home, the smile on Nick’s face when Alex saw him in the hospital lobby. But he knew there was a long, long way to go. 

Alex was startled back to reality by a soft blooping noise. He looked down to see his broth boiling, close to bubbling over the edge of the pot. He quickly turned down the heat and grabbed the lemon halves that he had sliced, squeezing them into a bowl and stirring in the eggs. He carefully added a ladleful of broth to the mixture and then dumped it all back into the pot.

As the soup began to simmer and the familiar citrus smell wafted through the kitchen, Alex tiptoed down the hall and peeked into Nick’s bedroom. He couldn’t tell if Nick was awake or asleep, but he certainly looked peaceful, his chest rising and falling to the rhythm of the ventilator. Steck was sprawled out beside him. Alex smiled to himself and returned to the kitchen, where the soup bubbled steadily on the stove, ready for him to add the noodles.

Once he'd added the noodles, Alex sat on the counter and watched them bubble and swirl around. His mind immediately returned to Nick. I can’t take care of him, Alex sighed to himself and picked up a wooden spoon to stir the square-shaped noodles. He had never had to take care of another person - and until he moved to Glasgow, he'd barely had to do anything to even take care of himself. But, he had to keep going. He had to show Nick that his pain and struggle were worth it. He had to be strong for Nick, because Nick had been so strong for him for so long.

Alex shook his head, snapping himself back to the present. He turned off the heat and moved the pot to a cool burner. As he ladled the soup into a bowl, he debated whether or not he should help Nick out to the kitchen table. Remembering how Nick had barely been able to walk five feet from the door to his bed, he decided against it, grabbing a tray out of a cabinet and placing the steaming bowl atop it. He grabbed a spoon and made his way down the hallway. 

“Hey,” Alex said softly as he walked into Nick's room. Nick opened his eyes and looked up at Alex, one hand on Steck's belly. “Dinner's ready,” Alex smiled. He placed the tray on the floor temporarily so he could remove Nick's mask. He unfastened the strap around the back of Nick's head, like the doctor had demonstrated the day before, and gently lifted it. Alex laid it on the bed at Nick's side and looked down at him. Seeing Nick's face made his heart skip a beat. His lips looked so inviting, and Alex briefly imagined himself lying on top of Nick, his arms wrapped around Nick’s shoulders as he kissed those soft, pink lips… shit, he was slipping out of reality again. Alex forced those thoughts away and quickly stooped down to bring Nick his soup.

Alex placed the tray with the soup bowl on top of it on Nick’s lap. He then rushed back to the kitchen to get a bowl for himself, assuming that Nick probably wanted someone to eat dinner with him anyway. He then pulled in a chair from the kitchen table. “Okay, soup time.”

Nick looked down at the spoon and lifted his hand to try to pick it up. He grabbed the handle, but then quickly dropped it. He tried again and got the same result. Nick inhaled sharply, feeling disoriented without something to help him breathe. He felt vulnerable. He was so weak that he couldn’t even eat his dinner. 

Alex put his soup bowl down on the nightstand. “You need help?” Nick nodded, ashamed that he couldn’t complete one of the most basic tasks out there. “Alright, I’ll help you.” Alex lifted the bowl and scooped a spoonful of soup for Nick. Nick gladly accepted the soup, happy to be eating something, let alone something with so much flavor. 

Alex lifted a second spoonful to Nick's lips, doing his best to ignore the fact that he was currently spoon feeding his boyfriend like an infant. Alex sighed, remembering Nick’s month-long near-death experience. He wasn’t going to instantly get better. He couldn’t. After Nick finished most of the soup, Alex had an idea. “Want to try by yourself?” Nick nodded and grasped the spoon, a bit stronger this time. He lifted it to his mouth, hands trembling, and swallowed the soup. It still tasted just as good as when Alex helped him.

Alex let out a few quiet cheers as Nick managed to slowly feed himself. It still felt pathetic, but any steps towards recovery, no matter how small, were worth being celebrated. Nick looked happier too, now that he had had his dinner. He fed the last spoonful of soup to Steckrübe with shaky hands. As soon as Nick was done with his dinner, Alex put the ventilator mask back on him. It was relieving to finally see him breathe a bit easier. The rise and fall of Nick’s chest returned to normal as he lay back down to rest. Even just eating dinner had tired him out to the point where he needed to catch his breath and recharge. Alex gently kissed his forehead again and sat with him, holding Nick's hand until he drifted off to sleep. 

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 30

Written by: Sol, Allegra Edited by: Allegra

“Nick?” Alex tapped on Nick’s shoulder, waking him from his nap.

“Hm?” Nick looked up, still trying to cling to his sleepiness.

“Just making sure you’re alright.”

“What time…” The pain was spreading to Nick’s head now, dizzying him quite a bit.

“10 PM. You slept through the whole day…” Alex sighed as he sat down on the edge of the bed. Nick nodded and laid his head back down on the pillow. “Don’t you want to have something to eat? Or at least some water… Or get changed?”

Nick shook his head and shut his eyes, so Alex decided to take matters into his own hands. Soon enough, Alex was back with some bread, a glass of water, and a fresh change of clothes. Nick tried to sit himself up, but he was so dizzy that he immediately fell back down. He felt like he was seasick, like the one time he had gone sailing with Lukas at age 11 and had become so ill that he vowed to never set foot on a boat again if he could help it. Alex leaned him up against a pillow and handed him the glass of water. Nick managed to get a small sip down, but even just swallowing hurt at that point.

“Need help getting changed?” Nick shook his head yet again, but then quickly retracted that decision once he tried to lift his arms. Alex helped him slip his jacket and shirt off and wiggle into a nice, warm sweatshirt. He winced at the sight of the deep purple bruise on the left side of Nick’s chest. “I think we need to get you some help…”

Nick mumbled something that sounded vaguely like “No” and laid back down, wincing as he shifted the pillow behind his head. He looked up at Alex expectantly, attempting to hold out his arms as an invitation but dropping them with a small gasp.

Alex felt the knot in his stomach grow bigger. He said nothing, simply nodding and climbing into bed next to Nick. He nearly draped his arm across Nick’s chest before remembering the bruise and slipped his arm across Nick’s stomach instead. Nick’s normally steady breathing felt shallow and ragged.

They laid in silence for a few minutes before Alex spoke up again, deciding to finally give voice to the anxious thoughts that had been swirling through his mind for weeks. “Nick?”

“Yeah?”

Alex pulled his head back off Nick’s shoulder to look at him. Nick’s eyes were closed. “Can I ask you something?” Nick tensed slightly and nodded faintly. “What are we?”

“What?” Nick whispered, now visibly shaking. Alex rubbed his stomach gently.

“Well, I mean...what is...all this? Are we...you know, dating? Or...?”

Nick didn’t respond, so Alex continued, stumbling over the words pouring out of his mouth. “I mean, we’ve been together for a while now, and uh, I mean I like you, a lot, you know, and I...I like being with you...so, uh, I just want to know what we are.” He touched Nick’s cheek lightly.

“I...I don’t know…” Nick said quietly, trying to take a deep breath and failing as a sharp pain shot through his chest. It felt like his entire abdomen was on fire, threatening to eat him alive. He tried his best to concentrate solely on the feeling of Alex beside him.

“You don’t know?” Alex felt a slight twinge of panic, but took a deep breath and forced it away. “What don’t you know? What is there to know?”

Nick didn’t respond. Alex’s head began to spin. Nick didn’t feel the same way? After everything they had been through? After Alex had saved Nick from the abandoned prison, given him a new home, held him through his nightmares, kissed him, loved him…

Alex sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, anxiety and sadness and anger rising in his chest. He looked over his shoulder at Nick and was surprised to see him looking back at Alex, his eyes slightly glazed over. “What?” Alex said quietly, bunching the blanket in his fists.

“I’m sorry...I can’t...do this...right now...” Nick’s voice wavered, sounding like he was on the verge of tears.

Alex nodded and stood up. “I’ll be back...I just...need to use the bathroom,” he lied. Nick said nothing, closing his eyes and resting back on his pillow as another sharp wave of pain washed over him. Alex walked out of the bedroom and shut the door almost all the way, leaving it open a crack. He walked to the living room and sat down on the couch, staring into the darkness. It felt like the last few months had been a perfect dream, and suddenly his world was crashing down around him. He rubbed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. Not only did Nick apparently not love him, he wouldn’t even listen to Alex offering to take him to the doctor for what was obviously more than just a simple bruise.

I’d do anything for him and he doesn’t even care.

Alex laid down on the sofa and curled himself into the fetal position, clutching a pillow tightly, willing his brain to shut off. Eventually, he fell asleep.

A few hours later, Alex awoke with a start, momentarily confused as to where he was before the memory of his conversation with Nick returned. He stretched and stood up, his back cracking in the process from lying in such an uncomfortable position for so long. He headed back down the hall to get into bed with Nick and noticed that the bedroom door was open slightly wider than it had been - Alex smiled as he realized that Steckrübe must have nosed his way in to stay with Nick. His smile faded the moment he pushed the door open the rest of the way and stopped dead in his tracks.

Nick.

Nick was still lying flat on his back, his breathing coming in sharp gasps, his face contorting each time he inhaled. Steckrübe sat beside him, staring at Alex with wide eyes. Alex rushed over to Nick’s side of the bed and grabbed his hand. “Nick? Nick?!”

Nick said nothing as he blinked up at Alex, still gasping for air. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks, which were red from both crying and the lack of oxygen in his system. He must have been struggling for a long time before Alex found him.

“Nick? What happened? What hurts?” Alex pleaded, his eyes filling with tears too. “What happened?? Please talk to me!”

Nick shook his head, opening his mouth as if to speak but not making a sound. He blinked rapidly and sobbed. Alex felt a sudden rush of adrenaline as he did his best not to panic. “Okay. Okay. We’re going to the hospital. I’m calling an ambulance.”

At that, Nick flailed his hands wildly and shook his head. He made a choked sound as he cried harder.

Alex was nearly hyperventilating now, searching for a solution and not finding one. “Okay. I’ll drive. Come on. Come here.” Alex grabbed Nick’s hand and squeezed it gently, pulling him out of bed as best as he could. He wrapped his arm beneath Nick’s armpits to hold him upright. Nick leaned into Alex for support, trembling. They made their way to the front door. Alex slipped into his shoes and then held Nick tightly as he did the same, stepping gingerly into the right shoe, then the left. Alex grabbed his keys off the table and led Nick out of the flat, stumbling slightly. Nick winced with every step, making increasingly distressed sounds every time his feet hit the ground. Alex scooped Nick off his feet and carried him the rest of the way down the hall and out through the lobby of his building, being careful not to put too much pressure on his chest.

As Alex pushed the front door open with his foot, they were met with a gust of wind and fat raindrops splashing on their heads. Alex cursed as they slowly made their way across the car park. By the time they arrived at his car, both of them were soaked. Alex carefully placed Nick on his feet and leaned him against the passenger side of the car so he could unlock it. He opened the door and lifted Nick into the seat. Nick had stopped crying, but he was still wheezing, his eyes half open and his head lolling from side to side.

Alex shook his wet fringe out of his eyes as he climbed into the driver’s seat. He pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto the deserted street, driving as quickly as he could without speeding. He looked over at Nick every so often. His eyes were closed and his face was twisted in pain. Alex gripped the wheel tightly with his right hand and slipped his left hand over onto Nick’s thigh. Nick mustered up enough energy to lift his right hand and slip his fingers between Alex’s. Nick’s hand felt cold and mostly limp, like it was about to give out at any moment. Alex gently rubbed Nick’s thumb with his own, feeling Nick’s rapid pulse.

Alex found the closest parking spot to the hospital and pulled in, trying to be as gentle as possible so Nick wouldn’t feel any pain. He climbed out of the car and unlocked Nick’s seatbelt, pulling him out and carrying him once again. “You’re going to be fine…” Alex murmured, trying to convince himself. He stopped in front of the automatic doors of the A&E and looked down at Nick, whose eyes were barely open, glazed over. His fringe stuck to his forehead, his usually pink-toned face paler than Alex had ever seen it. Alex cautiously placed Nick down in the nearest chair, hoping he’d be able to hold himself up and keep breathing, and walked up to the front desk. “Hi,” he said to the woman, trying to sound calmer than he felt. “I don’t know what’s going on, but my friend is having trouble breathing...” He gestured behind him at Nick, who was now slumped against the wall, completely still.

The woman shoved a clipboard and a pen at Alex and immediately picked up the phone, dialing a number and talking quickly. In the blink of an eye, two nurses walked into the waiting area, one pushing a wheelchair. They walked over to Nick. One sat next to him and spoke to him quietly, holding his wrist and feeling for a pulse. The other locked the wheelchair in place and stood beside it. When Nick didn’t respond, they lifted him into the seat carefully, unlocked the wheels, and swiftly whisked him away through a set of swinging doors.

The woman at the front desk continued asking questions, but Alex tuned them out. If that was the last time Alex would see Nick, he didn’t even get to kiss him goodbye, or tell him he loved him, or apologize for what happened earlier that night…

Nick’s vision blurred as the fluorescent lights danced around him. Where was he going? Why was everyone so rushed? Nick tried to ask someone what was going on, but nothing came out. His chest felt tight. Why was his vision going dark?

…Alex?