#also I finally got my meds refill that was delayed for like two weeks that caused me to start the game in the first place

[hamable]

I’ve been slowly collecting pivotal thoughts and reactions I’ve had while playing spiritfarer if anyones interested.

[bigskydreaming]

I kinda wanna fucking scream, so here, have a offline bullshit rant post.

So I’ve literally been trying to get my stupid fucking meds for over a MONTH now at this point, which I’m sure you can all see like, my mood is just wooooonderful these days. Not an excuse, casual reminder that yeah you do gotta take care of your own space so if my mood is dragging anyone down, I’m totes on board with blocking or unfollowing or y’know, burning me in effigy or something. Okay maybe not that last part. But still. You get it. And its not even that like, I need mood stabilizers per se, lol, so shout out to the armchair diagnosticians helpfully peppering my inbox still in their quest to oh so slickly be like ‘hey you’re a hot mess, take your hot messness away from tumblr’ like lol, didn’t ask.....nah, its mostly the perpetual lack of sleep and chronic pain issues that I have zero distraction from when my specific combo of meds isn’t able to let me actually weaponize my ADHD properly and power through that. Its a whole thing. Whatever. Just go with it.

POINT IS. So I’ve been trying to do this for over a month now, first obstacle was even just getting the money together for my refill appointment which is a whopping $150, because I have to pay out of pocket for mental health stuff these days because I had to switch my insurance over to something that paid out more heavily for physical benefits like my jaw surgery.....and because of the pandemic, and how many psychiatrists in my area and that I could actually reach aren’t taking new patients during the pandemic since most of them are conducting business virtually still, like, I have barely any resources for seeking out and trying new psychiatrist offices in the meanwhile that might charge less and I’m kinda stuck with the one I have because the last thing I can afford is to have like, NO psychiatrist at the moment, y’know?

So first I had to have that to even BOOK the appointment, which took forever because rent and food are a joy to accrue when you can barely manage to function as an actual employee of the capitalist machine ahfsklhflkahflakf, but so then I did that and like, got an appointment put on the books for August 19th. That was the soonest they could fit me in back when I paid them for my appointment about a week and a half ago. No, two weeks ago now? Eh, time is fake. ANYWAY, so that wasn’t gonna work for me, so basically the entirety of last week was devoted to constantly calling and trying to check in every other hour to see if they had any sooner cancellations I could take, because for whatever fucking reason, they just ‘don’t do’ a cancellation list wherein they call the next person on the list once they have a cancellation. Whatever.

So finally got a cancellation slot with a virtual appointment last Saturday night at random as fuck 8:40. Okay cool. Most of my refills are fairly simple, no real changes, but two are controlled substances so like, they have to do their due diligence and go through the proper protocols before giving me another prescription to one or whatever. Fine. Okay.

So I call the CVS they sent the prescription for my ADHD med to, the very next morning. One of the controlled substances, and the key med to like....making me functional instead of a rambling disjointed whirlibird of a thought emitter. Problem is, that medication is on back order. Won’t be in until Tuesday. Ugh. Okay, fine. Nothing I can do about it, because while the specific provider I spoke to in order to GET my refill prescriptions was taking an appointment the night before, the actual offices that schedule appointments and connect patients through to their providers was closed for the weekend, so I couldn’t even ask for them to send the scrip somewhere else.

SO. I go back to the CVS on Monday, hoping that maybe it came in early because not like I can do much else in the meanwhile. Course its not there, but oh well. I toy with the idea of calling to ask my provider to send the scrip to a different pharmacy (only had it sent to this one cuz its within walking distance to me, and since I can’t drive for medical reasons and Uber’s are expensive as fuck, just for errands, like, even though walking is sooooo not fun for me physically, like it is what it is). I decide against it because here’s another fun fact about this controlled substance....for security reasons, pharmacies don’t have to tell people over the phone if they have it in stock or not. Like, they won’t just say no we don’t have it in stock - I mean, they WILL say that, but that doesn’t actually mean anything because that’s what most of them say about that particular medication no matter whether or not they DO, and then just cite security protocols, so you have to actually GO to the store in question to ask them and even get a real answer to whether or not they even HAVE it in stock to FILL a prescription if its sent over. And no, the provider won’t just send scrips into several different pharmacies at once and just be whichever has it in stock can fill it - because again, controlled substance.

SO. I decide its not worth it to try getting the scrip sent over somewhere else, because I’d have to at least waste money on an Uber to even travel to various pharmacies and even check if they CAN fill it sooner than this one, when at least this place will have it in tomorrow. Its just one more day at this point.

Except then I go back on Tuesday. Oh sorry, don’t know why that other person told you we’d have our order in today, our shipments of that medication don’t come in until Wednesdays.

So I go back Wednesday. Success! They have it in stock. I go to pay, pulling out my goodRx coupon that was just printed out that morning, specifically citing the price for CVS at Target. The pharmacy manager says sorry, we don’t honor that coupon here for controlled substances like this one. I say: record scratch? He’s like yeah, that’s at the discretion of individual pharmacies, and we don’t honor that price for this specific medication, because we don’t want to attract customers only coming here to get that medication filled for that price. (This pharmacy is right at the edge of Inglewood and Culver City, for anyone who is familiar with those neighborhoods. The implications are exactly as they appear to be). So I’m like, what’s the regular generic price? He quotes me something that’s $180 more than the coupon, and thus $180 more than I have since I was focused totally on getting THIS amount ASAP, so I could get these meds so I could do more work and make more money. You see the train of thought. I’m like well that’s awesome, I don’t have anything close to that. Hey. Weird question. Why did nobody I talked to the past three days in a row that I’ve walked into this store in person to request this refill, like, mention this little tidbit about not honoring this coupon so instead of waiting for a backorder that would do me no good, I could have been spending that time having my prescription transferred somewhere that WOULD honor it?

He’s like, well did you mention to any of them that you’d be using a goodRx coupon for this particular medication? I said, yup. He said, you sure? I said well the specific process each time was I came in, I asked if this medication was in, they said what’s your name and date of birth, I provided that info, they said are you paying out of pocket, we don’t have valid insurance info for this on file for you, I said yup paying out of pocket with a goodRx coupon, they said *clickety clack of the keyboard* nope, sorry, we won’t have this medicine in until Tuesday, I mean Wednesday. 

He’s like, well you must be misremembering or they would have told you at the time that we don’t take GoodRx coupons on this medication. I’m like, dude, it was you. It was literally you that I spoke to two of those three times, right here at the counter, in person. I’m gonna go ahead and trust my memory of those interactions and what was said there over yours since you don’t actually remember having talked to me two times in the last three days. He’s like, I gotta go help another customer. There is no other customer. I leave. Fun day for everyone.

So then I call around town to at least check which CVS will actually honor the coupon I have and the price that I can afford to pay it at. I don’t bother asking if they even have the medication in stock because I know its not guaranteed to be a CORRECT answer, but at least I can see who accepts this damn coupon. Also, reason I’m only trying big brand pharmacies instead of smaller, hole in the wall ones is because again, controlled substance, and I know from experience that the bigger brand pharmacies are at least more likely to have that med in stock whereas most smaller ones tend to run out very quickly as they usually only get enough for their existing/regular customers and a little extra.

I find a CVS five miles away - not walkable, gonna have to Uber. Call my psychiatrist office again to ask them to transfer the scrip, front office says they’ll send the request to my provider, who usually checks and fulfills such requests in 24-48 hours. I’m like okay cool, can I get a phone call to let me know when that happens, so at least I know when to check back to follow up if it hasn’t happened yet for whatever reason? They’re like no, the pharmacy will send you a text or call when they get the prescription sent over and you can take it from there with them. I’m like okay, but I’ve done this a bunch of times and know from experience the pharmacy does NOT in fact always call or text, so is there a certain time to follow up to inquire if the provider has already sent the scrip and the pharmacy SHOULD have it by now or if the delay is on the provider’s end? Front office is like yeah no. I’m like, swell.

So that was yesterday. I call the pharmacy (which I still don’t even know if they have the medication IN STOCK to fill the scrip even once they GET the scrip, and won’t until I can actually Uber out there, but one thing at a time at this point) at like 9 pm, they’re a 24 hour pharmacy, and they’re like nope, we got nothing (this is after spending an hour and a half on hold to even TALK to someone at the pharmacy). Called them again today at noon, still nada. Technically I have another 29 hours before the window in which the provider is supposed to send the refill scrip to this new location, before I can be like, okay so they still haven’t done it, can we send him a nudge or another request. The 24-48 hour window will only actually EXPIRE after their offices close on Friday meaning it’ll be Monday before I can even actually REACH someone again to ask them to send the scrip again, if the pharmacy hasn’t ACTUALLY gotten it by Friday night, and pessimistically, I’m not super inclined to assume that they will at this point. 

I’m antsy, irritable, hungry because I don’t even know for SURE sure if the new pharmacy will ACTUALLY honor the coupon or say no sorry we don’t do that here either, whoever told you that was wrong, or if they’ll even actually have it in stock versus I’ll have to have it sent somewhere else AGAIN, so I have to pinch every penny possible in order to ensure I have the most money possible once my prescription IS filled in case the price is more than I expected again or in case I have to take Ubers there or further than I expected or basically....shit happens that I don’t expect. And this is what I’m basically spending all my time doing instead of working, because trying to get work done in this state is like....the harder I try to make it happen, the less it actually gets done, so I try and prioritize this and its roadblock after roadblock dragging out and wasting my time, and like yeah, I can post and shit while I’m doing this aka sitting on hold or walking around town trying to get shit filled because its fine if I ramble incoherently along the way in posts, but actual WORK work requires like....fucking coherency and succinctness and not having to stop and start every five minutes to call someone else, and oh yeah, being able to power through migraine spikes. And just.

I’m very annoyed about anything and everything to do with this shit. The hoops you have to jump through to even get the stuff that like....actualizes your hoop jumping ability, is just....*gnashing of teeth*

Anyway. So that’s my offline bullshit rant. Yay. The end.

[of-another-broken-heart]

Right then. 

I did manage to sleep, very briefly. I woke up with my original alarm at... 11:45. Then took two 15-minute snoozes, so I got out of bed at 12:15 and hustled to get kinda-sorta presentable. AKA, I took off the sweatshirt I’ve been wearing for the past week or so, put on an actual shirt and my gray sweater poncho thing, and smeared some deodorant in my pits. Oh, and brushed my hair. 

There was a pretty significant car accident on my way to my appointment. I counted at least 4 cars that weren’t police vehicles there, two of which seemed damaged. It looked a lot like someone rear-ended another car. There was all manner of debris in the road, and the incoming traffic lane was completely blocked off with traffic being diverted down a side-street to take a meandering path into town, instead. The lane I was in was thankfully unobstructed, so I didn’t suffer any delay. 

I got to the office a bit early, actually. My appointment was pretty short and pleasant. My psychiatrist let me know she thought I “looked” better. I’ve been thinking about what to say and how to describe my experience on this medication so far, for at least a week, so I “performed” that well. I don’t know how I feel about being told I “looked” better. On one hand... yay, I guess? On the other hand, I don’t want my actual feedback dismissed just because the pieces of clothing I tossed on today made me “look” better or something. 

I set up another follow-up with my psychiatrist. Supposed to be a 2-week follow-up, but the next opening was actually in 3 weeks. Between that and anticipated inclement weather, my psychiatrist went ahead and put through a refill order for me, so I won’t end up without meds before I see her again. 

I have actual therapy on the 28th as my next appointment, and the 31st is my next psychiatrist follow-up. 

I still need to go have my blood drawn for the repeat tests my doctor wants done. I’ve been meaning and trying to do that nearly every day this week, but things haven’t panned out yet. Right now is actually a good time, but... I just finished eating a big lunch. So that’ll screw with at least one of the test results she wants done. 

That big lunch was a foot long sub! My aunt gave me a giftcard for Subway that she claimed she wouldn’t use anyway - it had been some sort of secret santa or raffle prize during the holidays at one of her jobs. She gave it to me before I left her place last time. 

Going from my healthcare facility to Subway was not a great cruise. I didn’t use my GPS today, so I best-guessed my way from point A to point B. Thankfully, that panned out. There were some hellish drivers on the way, though. I was genuinely scared I was going to get t-boned at one point, because a car just started pulling out of a restaurant parking lot, towards/into me - in the midst of other traffic, it’s not like I was the only one on the road! - before I had even got in front of them. I was in the actual road/traffic - which you’re supposed to yield to, when pulling out of a parking lot with no traffic light of its own. I swerved a bit into the shared center turn lane, to be safe, because they were seriously fucking close to my vehicle, and slowed down so I wasn’t careening wildly and frightening other drivers- 

And that was a good thing! Because another vehicle had decided to pull out across traffic in front of me from the other side of the road, with basically no wiggle room between it and me, or it and the upcoming traffic roundabout. 

So I came to a complete stop, straddled over the line separating my traffic lane from the shared center turn lane, waiting for this fresh new hazardous dipshit to merge into traffic already so we can all get on with our lives. 

A vicious point of irony, I think, is that this happened within 100 feet of a hospital. I can’t help but wonder how many of the patients in there are harmed right the fuck outside its doors because people are in too much of a goddamned rush to, I dunno, follow traffic law and avoid collisions or something. 

THEN, I finally get to the shopping complex that has a Subway in it, and the nearby parking is pretty packed... but I see a spot that doesn’t have a car shadow being cast from it, so I roll my way over - only for some fuck in a Jeep to do a pull-through, forcing me to dodge a bunch of aimless pedestrians who don’t know what the fuck the sidewalk is, and an armored bank van, just so I can swing back and try a different aisle of the parking lot. 

I ended up parking twice as far as necessary and angrily stomping my way through half the lot in the freezing wind (it was literally 32ºF/0ºC) just so my car was alone and less likely to get victimized by the disastrous imbeciles out in force today... 

There was a line inside, but that was no big deal. It let me cool my briefly flared temper and look at the menu and prices. I’m a Dirty Poor(TM) so familiarity with food place’s menus is not a thing I’ve got. They still had my favorite bread (Italian Herb & Cheese) and all the fixin’s for my favorite build-your-own sandwich, so I waited my turn and got turkey and provolone (toasted) topped with shredded lettuce and red onions and black olives, glued together with a drizzle of ranch. The ranch was a new addition - I don’t usually bother with any dressing on this sandwich. But it was a treat today, so I went for it. And I opted to do a combo, so I got a lil bag of chips and a fountain soda, too. 

I get to the register to complete my order, though, and some uppity self-important nurse from the hospital barges in, cuts the entire line, and interrupts the cashier to demand she be tended to immediately, because “you guys screwed up my veggie sub.” She gives the guy a brief verbal lashing, then graciously agreed to let him finish my in-progress transaction. 

Her replacement sandwich was ready and waiting, because she’d apparently got her sandwich already and took it all the way back to the hospital without bothering to check it, even though she “doesn’t have time” to come back for this replacement... So she called to complain and demand both a replacement sandwich and a full refund because she had to come back. Like... holy fucking hell. If I’d been behind that counter, I would’ve been sobbing. That lady was a nightmare. And also wrong, because the wretched demon with such highly valuable time should’ve taken the two goddamn seconds required to check her fucking order for mistakes. Seriously, I don’t even know anyone who takes their McDonald’s DRIVE-THRU orders without checking that the stuff is all correct! How are you going to be so pressed for time that you order-ahead a sub sandwich, use your whole lunch break to go pick it up (this is bullshit btw, even in heavy traffic it takes about 5 minutes to get from the hospital to this Subway, and this entitled witch definitely was the sort that got a full hour paid lunch), and not check the fucking order??? 

I got out of there as fast as I could, but I’d heard that whole ordeal from start to finish because the gift card my aunt gave me turned out only to have $10 on it, and my order came to about $12, so I had to fish out a few dollars, then put the change away, then fill up my fountain soda (which is located a whole 18 inches from the register...)

I got home fine. The accident I’d passed driving out seemed to be totally tidied up - I didn’t see any debris, and the cluster of flashing lights was gone - but I took the back roads home anyway, just to be safe and avoid the potentially worse drivers/road hazards. 

I settled right down and ate that sandwich, and it was glorious. 

Now I’m full and happy about it, and I was going to try to nap, but instead I typed this novel, and now there’s only 45 minutes until it’s med time... 

I’m going to lay down for a bit anyway. I might get a few actual minutes of sleep in, but if not, it’ll be some rest to help me get through the remainder of the day, at least. 

[rissa-explains-it-all]

Captain’s Log, Stardate over a month later

Positive/productive things that have happened, in no particular order:

I‘ve been working a part time job over the past 3 weeks and the first paycheck paid my car bill! (all of it went to that, lovely)

I applied for another full time job yesterday, while not on all my meds, and I did it in record time! Resume, cover letter, and statement!

I’ve been filming videos to start producing content and form a reel

My old mentor from the community theater asked/hired me to do some social media for them for hispanic heritage month!

I definitely don’t have an ulterior agenda of promoting On Your Feet and all their cast members, lol

I started physical therapy! My body is falling apart and I may not have Ehlers Danlos syndrome, but I’m not crazy for considering it since my PT also mentioned it at our first appointment and we’ll discuss it further in two weeks after doing regular pt for a month.

I saw New Mutants last night (thanks birthday gift card that I never got to use bc of covid)

I registered to vote in my new county!

Got a library card after living here for nearly a full 7 years!!

Not so great things:

Ugh, I have to do pt at 8 am twice a week for six weeks so it won’t interfere with my part time job, plus my exercises three times a week outside of our sessions. That’s five workouts a week. Ugh.

I may have a paycheck but it went all to my car and now I’m behind on Adobe, one loan that can’t be deferred, and my phone. Plus helping with rent.

My hamster is old! And balding! I don’t want her to die! Especially since I live in an apartment and have no clue where I would bury her!!

Theaters might be looking at more permanent closures than extended ones? I know it’s silly but I just really love the movies and Regal is closing all of their locations in America for the time being as of tomorrow. (Which is why I saw New Mutants last night).

I still haven’t edited the videos and rest of the photos from the RV trip, or the video for my university’s latino mental health perspective, or the youtube videos...

Oh and due to many factors, my roommate and I have been petsitting a puppy for a friend. I’m not not a dog person. I’m just a specific kind of dog person, especially after being spoiled by a precious kitten (who finally really scratched me the other day, what a rat). This puppy is just too rambunctious for me. But he’s cute! I just can’t wait until he can be left at his home during the work day and I don’t have to wear high socks every time I go downstairs.

Things to look forward to:

I have an interview tomorrow!!! For a real adult job that has adult things like insurance!! I thought I had been rejected weeks ago! AHHHH.

All my med refills were finally approved so I’m gonna be all healthy for the interview tomorrow! Which is great bc I’m pretty sure I was going through withdrawal, yikes.

I’m going home this weekend to support my friend whose wedding got delayed again and now she has to get married when she moves with her husband-to-be to where he’s stationed instead of home with family and friends.

And I still haven’t been denied by some other apps so in case tomorrow doesn’t work out, there’s some hope?

I just added more fics to my mark for later list

I’m taking a friend’s family photos next week! I need to make sure she’s gonna pay me....

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i got up at like 7:30, found out the school was closed until 10, and went back to bed. then i got up for my psychiatrist appointment, got a call that it was canceled, and went back to bed. no meds for me. i promised the counter lady i’d reschedule the appointment tomorrow when i would be at the health center for my regular doctor’s appointment.

then i realized my doctor’s appointment was during my si outreach event, so i would have to reschedule that too. luckily, that ended up not being a problem.

my first class was canceled due to the blizzard so i got to relax and try to do homework. except i got an email that i had missed the drop/add deadline for my si training class, so i’d have to fill out the override form and get 3 magical artifacts i mean signatures and deliver the paperwork to the registrar. i went to the slc first to get my supervisor’s signature. she wasted a whole bunch of time talking about stuff i’d already finished doing. then she put me in front of a computer to write a paragraph about how i didn’t know that the drop/add deadline for this 8-week courses was only the 19th, as it had been a 2-week period in previous semesters and was just changed with no notice. i finished it in about a minute and went back to her office to find she had popped over to her neighbor. so i sat outside that office for 10 minutes, getting more antsy and sick. my supervisor finally came out and asked if i’d been waiting for her to print the paragraph, and i said i’d been waiting for ten minutes. she printed it out for me and told me where i needed to go to get the other two signatures. i was gonna do that, but i had to grab a snack first, as i hadn’t eaten in a very long time.

then when i got back to the physics department i got ANOTHER email about my nasa project, which also had paperwork due today. so i printed that out and started filling it out, and then i had to go to class without even getting to start my homework.

immediately upon stepping outside the physics lounge i felt extremely nauseous. it was the worst it’s been in the whole four weeks i’ve been sick, other than when i try to brush my tongue and stick the toothbrush in too far. i’ve been more careful about that lately though. i hobbled over to the math department, put my backpack down, stared at the floor for a few seconds, and immediately went in the bathroom and dry heaved for like 6 minutes. i missed the beginning of class. jay asked where i was about halfway through the class and cody pointed at me. i waved at him. i told heather i was feeling really seriously sick, and spent the whole class sweating and staring at my desk in the back. 

after class jay managed to talk me into getting some lunch. i was feeling a little better, so i promised myself i’d only eat a little bit, so i didn’t upset my stomach further. i had some sweet potatoes and a cup of thai tea, which was probably a mistake. i joked around with jay and rob and then we went to quantum 2. i put my backpack down and then had to run to the bathroom to puke for reals. then my nose started bleeding, and my eyes got dry and itchy and painful. i was a little shaken up, since i can usually handle my nausea better than that. i asked the professor if i should go to the health center or if he would prefer i go after class and he practically kicked me out. the walk to the health center was the longest walk i’ve ever been through. even though it was about 3 minutes away.

i talked to the lady at the front desk and she canceled my appointment for tomorrow in order to get me in right then. i couldn’t tell if the doctor was happy or annoyed when she asked some questions and i launched into my entire medical history and every conversation i’ve had over the last 4 weeks relating to my illness. she had me lay back on the table and put her hand on my right side, which surprisingly hurt actually a lot. she said something about my gallbladder and left to set up an appointment with the hospital. she asked if i had any plans for the afternoon or if could see them immediately and i said i had some paperwork to finish, but no classes. but the radiologist at the hospital was too busy today, so i gotta go on thursday morning at like 7. i get the feeling that since the radiologist thinks it’s going to take longer than an hour and a half he might be checking on more than one internal organ.

i rescheduled my appointment with my psychiatrist and trudged over to the offices i needed to get signatures from, and turned in that paperwork. then i finished my nasa project application and told my quantum professor i was still alive. and i contacted all my morning professors about missing class on thursday. i’ve missed more school than i’ve attended so far this semester between the funeral, the weather, and now this.

i talked to rob a bit on the way home since we ran into each other on the bus. we talked about the nasa project and what the week looked like for me. i was in a lot of pain, but it started fading by the time i got home. it took 50 minutes to get home.

i ate a veggie dog for dinner, and when i only felt a little nauseous, i made a second one and had some fruit, which had started to look a little weird after i didn’t have time to eat it last week. so i only had a little bit. and i STILL didn’t get any homework done! gotta try to get up early tomorrow morning and try again. i don’t know if i can manage jazzercise tomorrow though, my stomach area is still pretty uncomfortable even though i haven’t eaten anything else for hours.

and my dad blew me off when i complained about a sharp pain in my side on saturday! and mom blew me off too at the airport when it first started. that airplane ride was so long, but not as long as the time i had shigella and was actually dying and the plane ride took about 19 hours. or maybe it was just 9. i can’t remember any more. definitely at least 19 hours total travel time from malawi to south africa to georgia to arizona.

anyway, i’ve been having random symptoms and various pains in different areas that come and go for four weeks now. nothing really consistent other than generally feeling like something’s wrong. like even yesterday evening when i was feeling fine physically i still would have described myself as “sick” somehow. 

i might have to miss more class, depending on how i feel tomorrow. at least i have the doctor’s appointment note for thursday, so i’ll only really get one unexcused absence. but i’m hoping to feel ok enough for class tomorrow. i really need to do this homework... gotta pull myself together somehow. 

i guess in a way i kind of hope something is seriously wrong. i guess it would make me feel justified, in a way? like no wonder i feel terrible and have no patience for anything, i had some serious illness that wasn’t treated! and the first doctor said i had vertigo for some reason! 

i’ve been writing this post for a half hour. i should try to sleep. today, despite getting up kind of late, was very densely packed. i still haven’t told my parents i need an ultrasound, partially because i left my phone at home today on accident. but i think i’ll wait until i get some results before i say anything. mom kind of freaks the hell out when something is wrong. 

maybe i’m burying my emotions about the whole thing, because i sure don’t have any strong feelings about it. i didn’t really have strong feelings about grandma’s death either, except a seriously delayed reaction to seeing her dead body. i didn’t have any super strong feelings about glenn either, except getting annoyed when he called me “sweetie.” if this had been ten years ago his presence would have really rustled my jimmies. i guess i’ve stopped feeling too upset about losing my pokemon game too. i just feel a kind of heavy dark deadness when i think about it. the only thing that really makes me lose my temper is being unable to articulate my feelings to jim. i guess because i don’t have any feelings? i gotta be feeling SOMETHING, though, because my homework is as done as raw steak, and i don’t usually completely ignore it when it’s open right in front of me unless i’m upset about something else. dr. cole has been really gentle with me about the nuclear homework and my last grad school application, and my laplace transforms professor said i could have an extra day to turn in my make-up work, and hogan said i should take my time looking over his notes from quantum today, and i got a quick recap about the class from rob, so everyone is being pretty nice about everything... even jay said he was sorry about my grandmother. maybe there’s something about my face or posture i’m not noticing. 

i keep wanting to cry but i can’t... quite... make the tears come out of my eyes. i wanted to talk to my psychiatrist about it, but i’m seeing a different doctor on monday since she’s booked through like all of february. i am at least getting a refill on my current meds. i’m worried about how much progress i’m going to make with this new therapist, wei luo. if i can’t get myself through all this garbage before the end of the semester i’ll be really disappointed. and maybe not as emotionally prepared for grad school as i would like to be. at least i’m not getting so many random panic attacks frequently throughout the day. maybe i’m tiring myself out doing all this running around.

i gotta try to sleep. it’s almost 11 now. i started writing before 10:15. but i think it was good to get all these thoughts down somewhere. i haven’t had a lot of time to think about what’s going on, but i keep doing it anyway, so maybe writing it down will help me stop thinking about this and think about important things like my schoolwork and falling asleep for a little bit.