#also even tho im exhausted still ive felt much better today and was able to eat some solid food :)

[barkingangelbaby]

i'm watching arrested development again and this scene came on.. i can't laugh like i usually do and the sounds that came out of me.... i sent a snapchat cracking up to my friends and they told me it sounded like i was sobbing

[ankhisms]

hmm just musing about my thoughts under the cut im doing alright tho no worries ❤️

i was able to draw some yesterday but ended up once again feeling very frustrated and unhappy with my work, along with looking back on older art and feeling embarrassed/ashamed/unhappy with how it looks. im always kind of plagued with the feeling of never doing enough and always have this kind of pressure on me feeling like i always need to be doing more than i am, despite me being aware of both my physical and mental limitations which results in me often pushing myself past those limits and being in physical and mental pain & exhaustion.. which then leads me to feeling like im missing out on time when im resting even though i NEED to rest and its just a vicious cycle. i really would like to draw some again today but i dont want to push myself too hard and also am a little scared of looking at my art and feeling angry with how it looks and being unhappy with it. i keep thinking to myself "im 24, ive been drawing my whole life, why isnt this better? why am i not better at this? why is there not more that i can do?" and also have the same thoughts when it comes to my other creative works such as acting and writing. but i have to forgive myself and remember that ive struggled a lot in the past and still continue to struggle and im allowed to mourn the time that was stolen from me due to abuse and the time i was unable to create due to my mental and physical health. i want to be kinder to my past selves and be kinder to myself in the present. im becoming more aware of just how much i doubt myself and how little confidenece and belief in myself that i have. and while its difficult to build up confidence and belief in myself while i am still stuck in my toxic home environment with no real opportunities i still have to try, because im aware that this lack of confidence seeps into everything else i do. i want to draw and act and write because theyre things i love and things that are a part of my soul and i want to enjoy doing them and to be able to look at my work and be actually proud of it, or if i cant be proud of it i can at least acknowledge my growth and how hard i try. sometimes recently ive felt that maybe im not REALLY trying hard enough, that maybe im not trying at all, but upon reflection i know thats not true and someone else doing their best will look different than me doing my best and trying my hardest due to our different lives and different limitations. anyway. i want to try. and i want to be kinder to myself. im going to try drawing today anyway even if i feel bad about how it looks. thanks if you read this, i hope youre well ❤️

[gothjjk]

how are you dealing with jjong passing away are you doing alright? 😥💗

ty for your concern!! i am doing better than when i first heard about it but im still not 100% okay, nd dont think i’ll ever be, i hope ur doing ok tho !!!! 💕

also u can ignore whats under the keep reading part i just need a place to write about how ive been dealing with it all just so that i can keep it somewhere for myself its boring nd long nd not worth reading

i remember opening tumblr after coming home from work and seeing a few sad posts/edits about shinee but i was scrolling pretty fast nd not reading through posts properly and the first thought i had was that shinee had disbanded (which, looking back, i now hope that was actually the case instead of what happened) so i clicked on a mutuals blog to find out what the fuss was about and i saw an ask saying what happened? and they answered that jonghyun passed away and i. didnt believe it i didnt want to believe it it hadnt been confirmed yet by sm at that time so i was like okay this is fake he is alive and safe but after a few minutes the news about him passing away turned out to be true yet i still didnt fully believe it i started crying so hard i was hyperventilating and all i didnt know what to do i dont think i even remember what i did after that i was just full on in a hysteric crying mode i went through tumblr some more hoping thatd help calm me down but seeing all those posts about him talking about how he’s gone made it all worse i just closed my laptop turned off all the lights and started listening to all the shinee songs on my phone and every time i heard jjong’s voice my tears woudlnt stop coming i think i cried for two hours more after that and stopped, i didnt eat dinner i had no appetite at all my head felt like it was going to burst and i actually really wanted to kill myself i didnt want to be alive any more i didnt want to live when he wasnt either it was a really bad night for mei just took some sleeping pills and hoped for the best. the next morning that i woke up my eyes were so fucking swollen i looked so bad had the worst headache and had to go to work which i was looking forward to a bit cuz i thought it would take my mind off of this all especially since i had to work for 8 hours three days straight and i gotta say working did help distract me even though i was feeling dead inside it did help a bit to not actively think about him and destroy myself even more i also had to work at the asscrack of dawn and i could still see the stars when i was walking to work i started tearing up staring at them thinking about jjong again i will think of him every time i look up at the nightsky now. that day i also couldnt listen to any shinee songs anymore when tell me what to do came on shuffle i got so fucking mad even though thats my favourite song of theirs i skipped it and put on another song i really could not deal with it its a wonder i didnt burst out crying at work tbh i also had the worst migraines this whole week and felt sick and nauseous all the time this really took its toll on me i’m exhausted. i also took a break from tumblr, actually i was tempted to delete my acc since i couldnt get myself to think i would ever be able to post happy things again but idk, anyways that didnt help immensely i think tiring myself out by working a lot helped i also saw my friend whom i hadnt seen in like 2 months today we hung out and chilled and it was rlly nice being with him so that distracted me as well also i started istening to jjong’s songs and his voice has been very healing and soothing i feel like he’s still here with us i think i still dont want to believe that he’s actually gone like when i watch videos and see him have fun in them or when i see pictures of him or when i hear his voice and laugh it really doesnt sink in that he’s not here anymore when i can experience his presence like that i dont think he will ever fully be gone from this world he still lives on especially in all of our hearts and i think coming to terms with that is important this is also the first time that someone i love passed away so i didnt know how to deal with it at all especially since i love jjong so fucking much he was and still is so important to me i wanna thank him for everything that he has done i still feel bad knwoing that he had to suffer and that i couldnt do anything for him but i think just as we dont want him to suffer he doesnt want us to suffer as well so as hard as it may be we should live our lives in thebest way we can and show him how much he meant to us i willnever forget about him and my heart will always feel heavy because of what happened but i think the love i have for him is stronger than the sadness i feel and thats realy important or maybe i’m just bullshitting but thats okay too i think if i killed myself here right now he wouldnt have wanted that not that he knows me or cares about me specifically or anything but im sure he didnt want to cause this much sadness and hurt and as much as i would like tp say that he’s happy now and that he’s watching over us in heaven i dont believe in the afterlife so i wont say that but i do believe that he’s watching over us his energy is still present in the world and i do like that thought hes still here with us he still loves us and we still love him so jjong, i thank you, i miss you and i love you from the bottom of my heart.