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wardofwinters · 5 years

Note

Hey I have a request for creators chosen, if u feel like writing a mini scene! Can we see Marinette bringing in Felix something like his favorite treat form the bakery or a specialized scarf or something because he's been really stressed by deadlines or family or something? If you feel like it or have time for it it would be pretty cool :)

HI! I’m so glad you asked. You absolutely inspired me for a little in-between chapter.

I hope you like it, it’s a bit off of what you asked for but it is canon for my story and leads to the next chapter.

Chapter one Chapter two Chapter three

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Plan F

Marinette was glad that there hadn’t been any more akuma’s since stoneheart. With how exhausted she was in the last week from the cure and purification she didn’t think she would have been any help.

Tikki said it was likely Hawkmoth was similarly exhausted. The things he did weren’t supposed to happen and would exact a heavy cost from him. That was a relief.

Over the past week she and Alya had grown closer, though she was a bit uncomfortable with Alya’s obsession with the hero’s identities. She and Felix had also grown closer over the past week.

She’d given Felix one of her extra binders, she made It with a planner built in and plenty of folders. It was one of her’s so customized to her needs but she’d give him a new one later.

He’d also started going to art club with Nathaniel. Apparently, they’d bonded over their dislike of people and like of art in the back. Marinette was glad, neither of them were good with people. She was really happy that she got to spend time with them too, turns out that Felix was a bit of a designer as well.

Adrien apparently took after their mom, modeling the clothes and standing in the spotlight. Felix took more after his father, a designer and content to stand behind the scenes.

He didn’t make any clothes mind you, wasn’t much of a seamster, but he did design some. And what Marinette had seen so far showed that he was rather skilled at it as well.

And so Marinette got used to seeing him fairly often.

She recognized his moods; how he despised the mornings and always forgot breakfast; how despite him always forgetting breakfast, he never forgot his assignments; how he was always dressed neatly and cleanly; how his tone was generally polite but he held a biting tone to use on those that annoyed him; how he was never ever bothered by anything.

So, when she was back to full strength and working on a dress in club she noticed how his mood was shifting. He was hurrying his work, losing papers, snapping at people quicker and quicker for things he used to ignore. When he came to school without his vest today, she knew something was wrong.

She worried about it all through morning classes. And when class let out for lunch, she checked on him, only to be assured that he was perfectly fine. She frowned but moved to lunch. She was half-way there when she realized she forgot Tikki’s extra cookies in her locker. She murmured a soft apology and turned to go back to the lockers

“It’s fine Marinette, just grab them quick so you can get your lunch.”

She hurried to the locker room and slipped in, only to pause when she heard the arguing.

“You’re only going to get us both in trouble! Father said that you had to go home for lunch and now you’re trying to sneak out again? I vouched for you! I vouched for you and you’re ju-“

“Oh come on! Father is never mad at you, it’ll be fine. I’m just having fun, it’s not hurting anyone. I just want my freedom!”

She slid down the wall, sneaking to peak around the lockers.

“You’ll get your freedom when you pass the probation. Honestly Adrien, I don’t know how you’ve been sneaking away but it stops now.”

“Well, that’s my secret. I’m not telling. And I’m not stopping either. Father won’t give us a birthday party so I’m gonna have fun while I can!”

The Agreste brothers?

“This is-… this is about the birthday party. This whole mess. You’re doing this cause Father said no to a party!”

“Mom would’ve let me! It’s not fair, I just want to be a normal kid!”

“Mom always said no to the parties, every year. She and Father stood together on that Adrien. Or did you forget so quickly?”

“Felix-“

“No. You will go to the car and go home right now. I’m not dealing with this anymore. Let’s go.”

Marinette shrunk back as Felix dragged Adrien out of the locker room.

“Well that was interesting, looks like they’re having a fight.” Tikki slid out of the bag to hover in front of Marinette.

“Yeah, and it sounds like something happened to their mom. And Adrien is getting Felix in trouble. This must be why he’s been so stressed!” She straightened.

“You’re right! Poor Felix, his brother certainly isn’t making things easy for him. Though it’s a shame they can’t have the birthday ceremony, I hear it’s very important.”

Marinette nodded, “Mm, let’s get the cookies, I have planning to do.”

There wasn’t much Marinette could do about Adrien. He was a pain, but she had no control over him. Felix stuck his neck out to get Adrien into school and he was throwing it back in his face. As Chloe would say, ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. She could help Felix in other ways though.

The twins birthday was just over a week away. She would use this time to help Felix relax, and then she’d make sure they got to celebrate.

Marinette made it so her cousin could have a party after that kidnapping attempt, M. Agreste was fairly famous himself. It wasn’t out of mind that he could be worried about something similar.

And thus Plan F was born.

She prepared her supplies. Six morning alarms, one palmier, one cheese Danish, one plain croissant, and that days specialty coffee.

She got up early and gathered her supplies, then took off, making it to school with more than enough time for her plan.

She quickly moved up to Felix, sitting in his normal seat.

She drew a bright smile up, “Morning Felix, how’re you doing today?”

He peered at her, “Well, and you?”

“I’m doing great, thanks for asking!” She plopped the bag of pastries on the desk in front of him and placed the coffee, black with sugar and cream packets on the side.

He blinked, “What’s this?”

“I noticed you’ve been a bit stressed lately. So, I thought I’d bring you a pick me up. They’re from my parent’s bakery, freshly made. And a coffee since it’s so early.”

His eye’s widened, “I see… Thank you Marinette,” he took a glance into the bag and swallowed, “I appreciate the gift, but you didn’t need to.”

“It’s fine,” she chirped, “I wanted too. I hope you like them.”

She hurried down to her seat, satisfied with her success.

The next day she brought a new coffee, and some assorted croissants.

Felix thanked her once more, his gaze sharp as he watched her.

She simply smiled and turned back to her seat, he seemed a bit more put together today.

That day passed quickly. Her plans for a small party drafted with the editing to be done.

Felix also seemed to be watching her that day. She noticed that he finished the coffee quickly and hummed, so he liked Café Crème. Good to know.

She brought assorted danishes the next day, and another Café Crème.

Her party plans were nearly finalized. Now she needed to schedule a meeting.

Felix stopped her the next morning, “You really don’t need to keep giving me food Marinette.”

“It’s fine Felix, I just want to help,” She smiled brighter when his gaze flickered, his brow furrowed slightly, “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.”

He sighed and nodded, “Thank you, I really do appreciate it, but really, don’t keep doing it. It’s too much.”

Marinette frowned but agreed.

That night she called her aunt for advice, backups it was.

Then next morning she cheerfully walked up to his desk, coffee in hand, and gave him a set of sketching pencils. She placed the coffee on his desk and hurried off before he could stop her.

She’d scheduled her meeting for that afternoon. She had work to do.

She quickly changed after school, putting on neat black slacks with cherry blossoms patterned on the side, a faded pink shirt, and a black blazer bearing more cherry blossoms. She threw her hair up in a ponytail for extra affect. Dress to impress.

She hurried off to Felix’s house as quickly as possible, he was at art club and Adrien had a photo shoot so no one would interrupt.

She was ready.

“Enter”

She quickly smoothed down her pants and straightened her blazer before stepping inside. She needed to look professional.

“How can I help you mademoiselle… “ Her idol stood in front of her, one of the king’s of fashion. He stared at her coolly, eyebrow raised in question.

“I’m Mari- Marinette Dupain-Cheng,” Don’t stutter, come on, she could do this, “I’m here to talk about Felix and Adrien’s birthday.”

His eyes narrowed, “If this is an attempt to get them a party I would suggest you leave now.”

She took a deep breath, rubbing her cherry blossom bracelet, “It is sir, but please he me out. I understand you don’t want to put them in danger, but I have an offer that could help.”

“You have three minutes,” his gaze was like ice, staring into her and peeling back her layers. Deep breaths Marinette.

“I understand that as you’re rather well known your sons may be in danger, especially with a large party. So I am proposing a smaller party of less than ten people in the park near the school.”

She pulled out her tablet and swiped to an image of the park.

“All food would be provided from my parents bakery,” She swiped to an image of one of their order platters, “My dad and aunt would be at the party to supervise.”

She eyed him warily, his expression gave nothing away, “I’ve prepared a possible guest list for the party with three friends for Felix, from our class and art club, and two for Adrien, both from our class. This can of course be adjusted as you feel.” She felt Tikki press against her reassuringly.

She flipped to the page with names and pictures of the students, along with contact information.

“All the music is age appropriate, I have a list as well. I suggest the date for the party being the Saturday after their birthday. This would leave the day mostly free for any time to schedule the party, and it would act as extra protection being four days after their birthday.

She hesitated, “All of this can be adjusted to your preferences… Ah… Any questions?”

He studied her, completely silent for a moment, “You planned all this out yourself?”

“Yes sir.”

“For… Felix?”

“Yes sir, he’s my friend.”

He tilted his head, gaze on her tablet now, “Very well. I will allow this party. Three other bodyguards will be present as well, to insure safety. The date you picked is satisfactory.”

His gaze lifted back to hers, “Email that to Nathalie, she will coordinate with you after looking it over.”

Marinette resisted the urge to cheer, “Yes sir. You won’t regret it.”

“I’d best not,” His gaze lingered for another moment, then he turned back to his computer. “Don’t inform them yet, it will remain a surprise. Nathalie will send out the invitations.”

Marinette was dismissed. She paused in the hall to send the powerpoint to Nathalie and then left the mansion.

She had enough self control to wait until she got outside and turned the corner before she squealed, cheering as she spun around, “I did it!” She did a little victory dance.

“That was brilliant Marinette, I’m very proud of you.” Tikki poked her head out the purse to grin at Marinette.

“Thanks Tikki, I’m really glad it worked.” Marinette calmed herself, there was still a lot to do. Best get started.

She hurried to the bakery, her success and Tikki’s praise buoying her.

Plan F was a success.

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No picture for this one, I’ll post one Saturday since I don’t have the next chapter done yet.

Tags: @zebrabaker @anonymouse-thoughts @miraculous-of-salt @blackirisposts @yin-390 @unabashedbookworm @whatamessofwords @fairyjinxed @protect-marinette @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @psychixx

#Creations Chosen #creation's chosen #marinette dupain-cheng #marinette dupain cheng #tikki #adrein agreste #Felix Agreste #Gabriel agreste #nathaniel kurtzberg #miraculous ladybug #birthday party #nathalie sancoeur

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gumnut-logic · 5 years

Text

We’ll Be Home For Christmas 1.2

Title: We’ll be home for Christmas

Day One – A Tale of a Fateful Trip – Part 2 Prologue | 1.1

Author: Gumnut

8 - 14 Dec 2019

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: The boys can’t fly home for Christmas, so they have to find another way.

Word count: 2701

Spoilers & warnings: language and so, so much fluff. Science!Gordon. Minor various ships, mostly background.

Timeline: Christmas Season 3, I have also kinda ignored the main storyline of Season 3. The boys needed a break, so I gave them one. Post season 3B, before Season 3C cos we haven’t seen it yet.

Author’s note: For @scattergraph This is my 2019 TAG Secret Santa fic and it is a big one ::headdesk:: I hope you enjoy it. I know I have thoroughly enjoyed researching a gorgeous corner of this planet.

Many thanks to @vegetacide and @scribbles97 for cheering me on and their wonderful support through this craziness. And to @onereyofstarlight for geeking out with me over the setting.

And as always, thank you all for creating such a fantastic fandom. Thundernerds rock! I hope you all have a wonderful festive season. Thank you all so much for everything.

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

The sunset that night was as good as any they had ever seen on Tracy Island. The ocean swell was minimal as predicted and Gordon threw out a sea anchor to hold them tight while they ate dinner. They could have kept going, but instead chose a moment of quiet and together.

The meal was a lazy affair out on the boat deck consisting of burgers assembled by John and Alan.

For a change the conversation was light. A voyage down memory lane, Dad, the saga of FAB2 and Parker’s, uh, misfortune with it, and an incident in WASP training that Alan literally had to drag out of Gordon with threats of revealing something worse that the three other brothers were still in the dark about.

The glare sent Alan’s way promised some serious dunking at some point. Alan’s grin in return clearly said it was worth it.

While they were sitting still, Gordon threw out a sensory buoy. Apparently, the aquanaut had gone all out and stocked the yacht with all his marine biology equipment. No doubt, Scott had been back and forth between Tracy Island with his brother at least once. It wasn’t often the scientist in Gordon got a chance to play in his environment.

Sure, Tracy Industries had made some major ecological investments in the area, including the Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary which protected a whole swath of ocean between Tracy Island and New Zealand. Gordon had worked with his father early on in that project and advised that as much as possible should be protected. Their proximity to the island group and the purpose of International Rescue hadn’t always coincided and it was Gordon, young though he was, who made it work.

And besides, Tracy Island was outside New Zealand’s and their other nearby neighbour, Tonga’s control and their security system didn’t let anyone near them anyway.

But Gordon had always been conscious of the greater good beyond human matters and their family as a whole kept their Island as ecologically isolated as possible to protect its non-human inhabitants. If anything, it was proof that humans could exist within an established ecosystem and impact it minimally as long as due care was taken.

The sensor buoy he threw off the side of their boat sunk into the depths somewhat and sharpened their sensory net to activity underwater including sounds and movement. The holographic interface threw up a three-dimensional display of the water under and around the boat up to a kilometre across.

The aquanaut placed the projector in the middle of the table. “Would you look at that.”

Vigil stared at the somewhat blurry dots and shapes moving across the display. “What?”

Gordon rolled his eyes and, reaching into the hologram, zoomed in on one spot teeming with dots of movement. The middle of the table was suddenly full of a school of large fish.

Virgil shifted back and he wasn’t the only one.

“A little warning next time, bro.” Alan was frowning at Gordon.

“Eh.” And no, their aquanaut did not care, his eyes latched on the fish. “A school of tuna, southern bluefin, in fact. Good to see, though they are at the edge of their range.” He grabbed his tablet and, while four other brothers stared at him, he entered some data, his eyes dancing between the two displays.

Virgil couldn’t help but smile. Scott caught his eye and did the same. Virgil’s smile became a grin.

Gordon didn’t notice. His fingers darted into the hologram again and minimised the tuna only to bring up another school of fish on the other side of the display. More notes were made on the tablet.

The silence around the table was profound. Even John had a small smile on his face as he watched Gordon.

A dark shape moved amongst the fish. It was much larger and it wasn’t until it slid into the centre of the school that it became clear exactly what it was.

“Wow.” Alan voiced the awe for all of them. Well, except Gordon who was still staring at the fish.

Virgil resisted the urge to reach out and touch the hologram of the shark cruising through scattering fish. He wasn’t sure what type it was, but it was big.

A moment later Gordon realised they were all staring. A glance at the shark and he punched at his tablet. “Bonus! She’s tagged!” Another stab or two. “Hilda? Oh my god, it’s Hilda.”

Hilda?

“Who’s Hilda?” Virgil asked the question, but Gordon was absorbed in what he was doing.

“I did not expect to find her this far south.”

“You know this shark?” Alan’s voice was small.

“What? Oh, yeah, Hilda likes to feed in our lagoon.”

“What?” Scott’s deeper voice cut through the stunned silence. “That shark was in our lagoon?”

Gordon blinked up at him. “Well, yeah, how do you think I tagged her? Been following her movements for the last two years. She loves some of the smaller fish that feed in the coral reefs. She can’t quite fit into all of them, but she enjoys herself in any case. Caught herself a couple of seabirds from the colony on Mateo a few months back. It was awesome.” Not once did his eyes leave the display and the shark swimming across their dinner table.

“I am never going swimming again.” Alan’s voice was tiny.

Gordon finally looked up and his eyebrows shot up. “Hey, she’s cool. You lot aren’t tasty enough anyway.”

Scott sighed and dropped his head into his hand. “Why do I bother?”

Something flashed in the corner of the display and Gordon immediately minimised it back to a sea of floating dots. “Hey, we’ve got a big one coming into range. Oooh, no, two....yes!”

Virgil jumped as the display flickered and zoomed in again, this time bringing up another large shape. His fish brother was literally bouncing in his seat. “Ooooh, she’s a mama.” And there beside the humpback whale appeared a young calf.

Virgil stared.

“And they are talking. Listen to this.” Gordon grinned as he punched his tablet with an eager finger. Suddenly the room was full of grunting and clicking sounds and the occasional moan.

God.

Virgil reached behind him, fingers grabbing for the sketchbook he had thrown there earlier while still fighting with his pencil. Within moments both pad and pencil were in hand and he was drawing. Fast. The pencil scraping across the page. Curves, bumps waves of lines. On the table the two whales flew through the phantom water. On the paper, Virgil’s fingers lost themselves in the art. Graphite formed the whales’ flanks, the sharpness of the pencil lead compensated where the display could not provide clarity. But most of all he drew fast. He did not know how long they would be there, or how long he would have the privilege of seeing them.

He disappeared into the page, finding that zone he had been so seeking the last few days, and it wasn’t until the display flickered off and he found all four brothers staring at him that he snapped out of it.

A glance at Gordon. “They’ve left the area, bro. I held them in range as long as I could.” Brown eyes were apologetic.

Virgil blinked and looked down at what he had been drawing.

Two whales leapt off the page in front of him, silver and grey graphite shone, caught by the cartridge paper tooth. Tilted in pose, they were turned just slightly towards each other, so obviously parent and child, it touched his heart.

“That’s awesome, Virgil!” Alan was all jubilation and eagerness.

A glance at Scott and Virgil found something akin to pride in his eyes. John was smiling. Gordon stood up and walked behind Virgil, peering over his shoulder. “Can I have it? Or a print?”

“Uh...”

Gordon’s hand landed on his shoulder. You don’t have to answer now. Just know that that is a damn good drawing, bro, and I like it.”

Virgil grabbed his arm before he could move away. “How often do you see whales?”

A shrug. “It is late in the season, but we might see a few this time of year. The humpbacks migrate through here. I’ve certainly seen enough from home.”

“They come near Tracy Island?”

Gordon frowned at him. “I thought you were in touch with the world around you, Virg. All that artistic standing in the wind stuff. Of course, they do. I’m taking you whale watching as soon as possible. You don’t need to swim to see whales. God, guys, we live on an island in the middle of thousands of miles of ocean. Pay more attention. Yeesh.”

Okay, perhaps he had a point. Gordon had always loved the ocean and the worlds beneath it. Scott always loved the sky, John and Alan adored space. Virgil...was about how those worlds worked. Perhaps he needed to pay more attention to the ones underwater. “It appears I need to.”

Those familiar brown eyes blinked at him before a hand covered the one Virgil had on his arm. “Hey, I’ve got an idea.” He slipped free of his hold and grabbed his tablet again. “Just need to log into my home server...” The tablet took a royal stabbing with his finger. A moment and he set the device down on the table, poked it a couple more times until it projected up another underwater scene.

Five fully grown humpback whales and two calves frolicked in the holographic water. “There you go. Last year, not two hundred metres from our front door.”

Virgil just stared. His fingers itched to capture the scene. He hadn’t felt so inspired in months. “C-can you send me a copy?”

Gordon stared at him a moment, something in his eyes. “Sure. Tell you what. I’ll copy a bunch of these recordings onto the family server and you can do with them what you like.”

He couldn’t look away from the whales. “Thank you, Gordon.” He needed some colours. Phthalo blue. Payne’s grey. Phthalo turquoise. Cadmium yellow and possibly orange to up the contrast. White and maybe some Alizarin Crimson.

“Virgil, you okay?” Scott.

“Huh?” He shot a glance in his brother’s direction. Scott was frowning at him. “Uh, yeah. Did you bring any of my paints?”

Scott looked at John and his younger brother answered. “Your travel kit is in your cabin.”

“Great! Thank you.” He grinned at John and stood up...slowly as his body reminded him he wasn’t running at one hundred percent. A step and he hugged a stunned Gordon. “Thank you, Gordon. Thank you.”

“Uh, you’re welcome?”

Virgil stepped back and grinned at him. Gordon was staring at him as if he’d lost a marble or two. His expression only made Virgil laugh. A pat on his arm and Virgil grabbed his sketchbook and with another grin headed off towards his cabin.

He had it. All he needed was his tablet and a network connection and he had stock to paint to his heart’s content.

“Don’t you stay up painting all night!” It was Scott, yelling the length of the boat, but it only made Virgil’s grin wider.

-o-o-o-

Shit. The idiot was likely to exhaust himself at his easel. He would have to make sure he checked on him later, make sure he was sitting, not standing. Wouldn’t help for his brother to exacerbate his injury just because he zombified when painting.

John was staring at him.

“What?”

A soft smile. “Nothing.”

Scott eyed him, but John was his usual calm self, refusing to reveal any hint to his thoughts.

Lips thinning, he shot his brother a glare, which was ignored, and turned back to Gordon...only to find the table now covered in what appeared to be densely packed sardines of some kind.

Okay, he’d had enough of fish. He pushed himself to his feet. Gordon didn’t notice.

Scott had been hoping to sit down with Virgil and just have a little one on one bro time, but he had to admit that seeing it all come together for his arty brother like that had been pretty amazing and there was no way he was going to deny him the moment.

He would likely emerge from his room sometime tomorrow with a new masterpiece in his hands that Scott would, as usual, be totally stunned and blindsided as to how he managed it. Hell, that whale took all of fifteen minutes and it literally leapt off the page.

Stepping back from the table, he brushed a hand across John’s shoulders as he passed behind him and slipped inside. There was a bar in the corner of the lounge. He grabbed the whisky he had bought that morning and poured himself just a smidgen. He didn’t want to get drunk. He just wanted something to line his mouth, give him the taste.

Tumbler in hand he made his way through the main cabin and up onto the bow where they had stood for a good part of the voyage earlier in the day.

The sun was only a memory of the far side of the horizon, the sky darkening quickly and the ocean that gently rocked the boat, and no doubt Virgil’s easel, was becoming blacker than the sky above it.

The moon hadn’t risen yet, but the stars were breaking through the remnant light, and combined with the faint breeze, night was setting in.

Scott let a breath out.

In its own way it was beautiful. He wasn’t one for waxing poetic, but the sky was his home. He breathed it in with every breath and out here away from the lights of life, he could almost hear it.

“Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

Despite himself, he jumped.

“Woah, big bro, just come up to share a drink with you. Spock and McCoy killed all the rear lights so they can stare at their distant balls of gas and talk the hard sciences.” His brother rolled his eyes. “They’ve obviously never attempted to collect samples from a hydrothermal vent several kilometres down. ‘Hard’ would be the least of the terms used.”

His brother’s verbal diarrhoea came to a sudden halt and Scott took the moment to let his shoulders drop.

“You okay?” Gordon looked up at him and Scott realised he had a tumbler in his hand similar to the one in his own.

A half smile. “I’m good.” And he returned to looking out at the black hole of an ocean. “Thank you for coming up with this idea.” He rolled his shoulders just a little and took another sip of his drink. “I think we all need it.”

“Not a problem.” Gordon moved up to stand beside him and sipped his own whisky. “Not often I get a chance to get out here for a good stretch of time. I’m enjoying myself.”

“I noticed.” He twisted his lips. “Hilda?”

Gordon grinned. “My senior year French teacher. The woman was all bite and no bark.”

Scott frowned. “Miss Schwank? I thought you liked her?” One handed air quotes. “‘I’d like to go all Jacques Cousteau on her.’ I think I actually have that in writing somewhere.”

Another grin. “I did. She was gorgeous. Blonde with all the right measurements and a tongue that could do all the right things, no matter the language.” The smile vanished and he looked down at the tumbler in his hand. “She was one of the Lost in the 2060 Tsunami Disaster. Found her name on the nets.” The stars lit his brother’s eyes as they looked up at him. “On her honeymoon, apparently.”

Scott swallowed. He remembered the vivacious woman, all sharp words and determination. “Sorry to hear that.”

Gordon sighed. “So, now we have a great white shark with the same attitude. Just as beautiful, just as determined, just as likely to bite my head off if I go anywhere near her.” The grin was back. Another sip and his brother’s expression was all fondness.

A smile crept onto Scott’s face. He reached up and dropped his hand on his brother’s shoulder and squeezed gently. Another taste of whisky and he turned back to stare into the darkness.

-o-o-o-

End Day One

Day Two, Part One

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #Virgil Tracy #Scott Tracy #John Tracy #Gordon Tracy #Alan Tracy

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imnotcameraready · 5 years

Text

Enjambment (chivalry au)

A/N: it’s the first not-main-story story!!!! wrote this while tryna figure out how to get from point a to point b, and it doesn’t really fit in with the story’s Flow, so it’s gonna be its own lil part! it’s also got a little bit more character building for the Playwright and the Artist, if anyone wanted that lm a o — they’re good bois, they’re just. really bad at being good bois.

also i kNOW chapter 11 came out like, last night, but ,. ., ., .. . ive had this sitting ready for literally a week ., ,. ,.. sorry for bombarding y’all with this au :’’D

WARNINGS: self-deprecation, self-hate, touch starved, threats, cursing/swearing, destruction of property, destruction of art (ewe)

Words: 2085

AO3 link to this story; AO3 link to chivalry’s main plot

MASTERPOST! <-- i dont think this story is understandable without reading the other parts, hence im plugging it so much ; v; i’m sorry y’all ilu <3

chivalry taglist: @starlightvirgil @forrestwyrm @daflangstlairde @marshmallow-the-panda @askthesnake @k9cat @patromlogil

general tag: @jemthebookworm

hope you enjoy!! <3 <3 <3

The Playwright didn’t like admitting he was wrong. He often wasn’t. Having the position of an omniscient narrator meant he got to be right a lot, which was one of Roman’s favorite things.

But his argument with the Artist may not have been one of those “right” things. The Playwright leaned on the table, twirling a pencil absentmindedly as he contemplated. He wasn’t entirely wrong, no. The Artist had to keep in mind the safety of the other Sides. If anything happened to any of them, Thomas would be hurt, and Roman would riot. Every bit of him, except for…. The Playwright winced. On the other hand, this in-fighting was exactly what they should be countering. Sure, everyone disagreed and that was the purpose of this dismantling, but the Playwright was above these squabbles. Should be above them, figuratively, because in physical space, he very much was above them.

Apologizing would be the logical thing to do.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead. He didn’t enjoy entering the medieval town, didn’t like going deeper into the Imagination, but it seemed he would traverse there more often.

The sound of a paper flipping caught his attention. His eyes shot open as he looked around the room. No one was there.

But he’d definitely heard movement. The Playwright swallowed down his fear. “Hello?” he called out.

Nothing. None of the costumes had moved, none of the shoes or benches or any of his paperwork.

Wait, no, there was something. The Playwright moved a few scraps to the side and picked up an envelope. This hadn’t been there before.

Cordial invitation of Roman ‘Playwright’ Sanders to the Entry Gala — in celebration of Morality, Logic, Anxiety, and Deceit’s welcome to the Imagination.

The Playwright’s eyes widened. Oh, fuck.

He tore the envelope open and read its contents.

The Artist wept.

He ran his hand along the ruined canvas — ruined by his hand, torn open with his own knife and dirtied with his tears — and pressed it fast to his chest.

Why was he so mean? Why did it hurt so much, for his creations to be picked at like vultures and a carcass? Wasn’t that the point, wasn’t that how artists improved?

Ah, who was he kidding. He wasn’t a real artist at all. Just a name he’d selected when they first started this game.

The Artist was so wrapped up in his lamentations that he didn’t hear the soft sound of paper falling onto the floor beside him.

He shouted again, cradling the broken mess of canvas and wooden frames. All good artists got second opinions. No one was safe from criticism, and there was always room for improvement! He should know this, he DID know that, it was reasonable. But hearing it from the others always made him so anxious—

He sniffed, wiping his face with the paw of his sweatshirt. If he was falling apart this bad, it must mean he was losing this challenge thing. But thinking of anxiety and then, well, Anxiety, Virgil…. the Artist wished he’d gotten to meet the two, too. Like every other bit, he did love them.

The sound of debris being scattered, then a surprised yelp. The Artist sighed, curling up tighter. God fucking damnit.

“What—I’ve—Artist?!” the Playwright asked.

The Artist was sat against the wall, cradling a bundle of broken paintings to his chest, previously white sweater dirtied with layers upon layers of paint. All around him, every painting that has previously been neatly stacked in the room was torn to shreds. Broken pieces of wood and canvases halved were strewn around the room in piles, or one thick pile, with only a small circle of ground around the Artist. Sketchbooks were torn, even the drawing tablet was — okay, the Playwright wasn’t going to look at that and think of the physical monetary price, because none of this was real. Holy shit, the Artist had put a hole into the wall of his house. There was a hole? He’d punched a hole into the wall? Good heavens.

The Playwright, in an effort to not damage any of his art, accidentally appeared on top of one of the piles. He fell over, landing on his butt amongst the shreds, and looked around wildly.

“What happened?” he asked once he caught sight of the Artist’s frozen figure in the corner, still since he arrived, “Did Dragon—”

“They weren’t good enough, so I tore them up,” the Artist whispered into his own folded arms.

The Playwright’s brow pinched in worry. That had happened only a few times before, where a single work had been so terrible that the Artist ripped it to shreds in anger, but he’d never done….this. And he especially wouldn’t have done this, since he had numerous pieces he wanted to show the other Sides.

He drew in a breath as his mind filled in the gap.

“Oh, Artist, what did they say?” the Playwright whispered, pushing himself up and slowly making his way closer.

“Nothing. Get away.”

He grit his teeth. The Artist was going to be difficult, wasn’t he? Now, now, it wasn’t a good time to lose his temper. He came with a job to do, and he wasn’t cruel enough to leave the Artist to be upset alone. And he needed his help. This was purely logical.

He wanted to laugh. Being logical was so taxing; how did Logan do it all the time?

“Artist. I’m not leaving,” the Playwright sat in front of him, “I take it that Logic and Morality didn’t take well to your paintings?”

He glanced up at the Playwright, quick enough to now show an expression but slow enough that the Playwright caught a glimpse of his tearstained eyes.

“They–They said my art’s unfinished. Logic did.”

The Playwright frowned. “Wait. That’s it?”

The Artist curled up more, and the Playwright gently put a hand on his forearm. “Wait, wait, I didn’t mean it judgy. I just….that’s something you’ve complained about, too.”

To that, the Artist shot him a small glare. When the Playwright put it like that, then the Artist’s reaction seemed childish. “Yeah, but,” he sighed, “I didn’t want them to say anything about it.”

“Then why didn’t you warn them about it?” the Playwright asked, confused.

“Look, I don’t–I don’t know!” the Artist tossed the painting he was cradling aside and ran his hands through his hair, “It all happened so fast, and Padre was getting mad at me for not letting Child stay here. It—they both got upset at me, and they interrupted my painting, and Padre kept hugging me and it felt weird.”

The Playwright exhaled. He put a mental pin on the hugging thing — a similar thing had happened to him the other day, and he would have to talk to the others about what may be occurring — and then scooted closer again, sitting beside the Artist.

“Seeing as I wasn’t there, I cannot speak to what your argument may have been about. But I know that Logic and Morality wouldn’t have wanted to intentionally harm us.”

“How do you know, Pencil pusher?” the Artist hissed, though his words held an emptiness that betrayed his disbelief.

“Because they wouldn’t. They’re calloused, but they wouldn’t hurt us. Maybe Prince.”

The Artist snorted. “You really hate that guy.”

The Playwright smiled. Good. He cleared his throat and threw up his hands in the Prince’s signature style. “Hoo hoo, look at me, I’m a Disney Prince and I like singing songs and being an idiot!” he said, mockingly emphasizing a mispronunciation of “Disney.”

That got the Artist to laugh, shoving the Playwright gently. “Hey, hey, Disney’s cool! I’ll defend Disney to the death,” he rubbed the back of his neck.

The tension returned, but only slightly. The Playwright didn’t want to push him, but he was a little impatient for the Artist to pull himself together. His feet gently tapped against the ground in a small, familiar tune.

After what seemed like ages, the Artist let out a breath.

“....I did….overreact. A little,” he said. “The knife was too much.”

“A lot. Wait, did you say knife?”

“Yeah. I, um, I lost it a little.” He rubbed the back of his head again, looking up at the Playwright. “Thank you for sitting with me.”

The Playwright smiled. Wonderful. He patted the Artist’s arm comfortingly. “If I cannot comfort myself, then what am I doing?”

They both shared a small chuckle at that. It was easy to forget that they were two parts of a much more cohesive whole.

It was also easy to forget that the Playwright had something else he wanted to ask. He clapped, sitting upright and startling the Artist.

“Sorry,” he put his hands up, eyes blazing with new worry, “I actually came to ask something else — did you get invited to the party?”

The Artist’s brow furrowed. “The….party? No?”

“Oh, come, you must have,” the Playwright looked around.

The same envelope he’d received prior was sitting beside the Artist, on top of some of the ruined paintings. He picked it up and found two more envelopes beneath. “Great Ben Jonson, you got Logic and Morality’s invitations, too,” the Playwright flipped through the three cards and handed the one addressed to the Artist, to the Artist. “You must not have noticed it earlier. I got a letter similar, this morning. From Dragon.”

“From Dragon? Fuck, how’d he find us?” the Artist read the front and flipped it over again, tearing it open.

“I don’t know. Perhaps he just sent it to the location of whoever said Logic’s name last night. I also don’t know how he got backstage to deliver mine,” the Playwright read over his shoulder, “I honestly came here hoping to find the other Sides. We need to warn them.”

“We do? About what?” the Artist shot him a frown, but the Playwright just gestured to the paper, so he read the invitation.

His eyes scanned through it once. His body slowly tense as he realized what was being asked, and he flipped it over, checking all around the letter and the envelope that there wasn’t more.

“This,” the Artist reread the letter once more before lowering it and staring, stricken, at the Playwright, “This is a fucked up joke, right? Like, it’s gotta be a joke. Dragon’s Disney pranking us, without friends.”

“I don’t want to hazard that,” the Playwright stood up and motioned for the Artist to get up, “We need to find the others and warn them. If Logic and Morality’s invitations are here, then they must not know, and it’s a safe bet that if they don’t know, then Anxiety and Deceit don’t know, either.”

The Artist pushed himself up, rolling his sleeves up and wiping his face slowly. “He wouldn’t hurt them,” he mumbled. “Why’s he mentioning Prince, too?”

“I don’t know. And after what he did to Damsel?” The Artist rolled his eyes as the Playwright continued, “I don’t think Dragon would hesitate to hurt them, and he’s using the concept of Prince as bait.”

Goddamnit, he was probably right. The Artist rubbed his eyes and fixed his glasses. “Alright. I just,” God, he was hideous. “Should I change?”

The Playwright squinted. “Have you not left your house since this all started?”

“No,” the Artist looked at him like he was stupid, “Why would I?”

Alright. Alright, this was a predicament. The Playwright blew out a lot of air, eyebrows raising as he tried to figure out, in the most concise way, he could tell the Artist that he wanted to throttle him. His attire was absolutely not correct for the setting that they’d established, and he couldn’t fathom WHY the Artist wanted to parade around a medieval town looking like THAT.

No, you know what? It was fine. Sleep was walking around in a leather jacket, it’s FINE. Perhaps the Playwright was the only one who cared about the sanctity of the setting.

Meanwhile, the Artist looked around and waved his hand. The torn paintings all disappeared, leaving the room empty, looking larger than ever. The hole in the wall faded away, establishing itself as a solid wall once more. He looked down at his outfit and simply wiped it, the paint stains all disappearing as his hand passed over them, revealing a creamy-white color once more.

“That’s good enough,” the Playwright snapped, grabbing a fist of his shirt and tugging him forward, “Come on.”

#chivalry au #roman #roman sanders #ts roman #ts fanfic #sanders sides au #this is truly a sanders au lmasdlkghasldfkj #sanders sides #my fic #fic #now i get to do all the designs for the next part oh hell yes #i love designin fancy #its always s O FUN C ASLDKFHASLKDSHASLKDHASHLDKJSFF

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cuddleslutloki · 6 years

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2018 fics, a year in review

i’m a madman, but even my crazy ass probably won’t finish and post another fic in the last 6 hours of 2018, so here are all the fics i posted on ao3 this year, plus some thoughts on each!

Hemlock Honey and Silver

this was my last ever supernatural fandom fic. literally the end of an era for me since i was in the spn fandom for so damn long and wrote so much fic, about two-thirds of which has been orphaned on the archive at this point because i didn’t like the stories anymore lol.

i do like that one, though, and i’m actually alright with it being my last ever spn/destiel fic

Fire In Your Veins

this was my first time posting thorki fic! i was so, so nervous about it, but everyone in this fandom is so chill and lovely. i still like this one, and i don’t think i write enough 69ing lmao. also this fic was obvs the start of something bigger bc. i mean. i’ve written so much damn fic now lol since i only started posting in june. i was worried that i wasn’t going to be writing anymore, or that i’d never be posting on ao3 again because it had been literally 2 full years between hemlock honey and silver and the fic that preceded it. then i fell into thorki and i started writing fic and it’s just been such a huge, huge thing. bc i’m also writing original stuff again for the first time in forever.

Underdressed and All Out of Time

a direct sequel to fire in your veins, i really like it. i felt like i was able to characterize loki fairly well in this one bc i was very insecure about the way i wrote loki when i started out

A Thousand Teeth, Yours Among Them

who doesn’t love a fic title from a hozier song? i remember writing this fic and wondering if it was any good and if my characterization was okay and still being nervous and insecure in my writing, but it’s been very well received so i kinda got my inner critic to stfu which is nice lol. i also really enjoyed doing this vignette style story

To Always Face the Sun

what if :) loki was happy :) and thor had his brother back :) lol i really liked writing this and having loki being such a little shit tbh. can we tell that i like a happy ending in fic?

Blue On Gold

so i wrote an arranged marriage fic where they never actually get married and it’s still 15.8k lmfao. also the return of the vignette style, which was fun bc i got to do short, impactful scenes and build the narrative with them. i remember sitting at my desk at work, on my phone, writing this fic, then coming home and editing on a damn tablet bc my laptop bricked earlier this year

the warmth of your doorway

i meant to capitalize the title but at this point i’ve decided to leave it lol. i really loved writing this bc i felt very confident in the way i was building the scenes and the detail i was able to incorporate. i feel like this is where i really kinda go my voice back and i start to come into my own, if that makes sense? one of my fave fics i’ve ever written tbh. there’s a longer ‘verse for this, but after i finished this fic i got too distracted by new projects to try and continue it lol

Tell Me

this was my first trans!loki fic and he’s a trans man, and god i love it. i’ve got another ftm loki story as a WIP in my gdocs bc this story showed me how much i fucking love writing trans characters, and i really enjoyed the dynamic i put into this fic. there’s a sequel planned lol it’s gonna be dirty

Interwoven

i still haven’t managed to ever find the post that inspired this damn fic and if you wonder whether that drives me up the wall the answer is yes (: and fun fact! i intentionally never describe loki’s genitals in this fic, bc i was picturing him as a trans guy since i’d just written tell me and now i have a massive obsession with writing trans romance and erotica

Tie Breaker

in this house we love and appreciate bottom thor!!! also i loved writing the sparring at the beginning. it makes me wanna write more fics w/ brutal fight scenes lol. thor’s slutty drunk cape outfit is iconic and i’m gonna read that comic just for that outfit honestly

Pretense of Subjugation

i became drunkenly obsessed with loki manspreading on the throne of asgard and this was the result. this was the first thorki fic of mine that i’d had beta’d and it was vastly, vastly improved by it. the tips @ktspree13 gave me when she helped with this fic have affected literally every single fic i’ve written since

Double and More

so this is not the first thorki fic i ever posted, of course, however it is the first i ever started writing. i got to the point where loki’s in thor’s lap and then i kinda blanked out and let the fic sit for like... 2 or 3 months? then i opened it back up and i was like “oh i like this i should finish this” which is why i don’t delete anything anymore bc there’s always a chance i’ll come back to it

Ringback Tone

y’all owe @thotki for the wondrous idea they presented in discord that ended up creating this fic. i think i wrote this fic in like 3 days bc of how much fun i was having with it. the dirty talk was my favorite thing to write in this and i remember distinctly having this [:< moment when i was daydreaming about it

Seldom All They Seem

there was an impromptu bottom thor day back on 20 oct and this fic was my contribution. we can never have enough time travel, can we? i remember i think i took like a four day weekend from work and part of my motivation was literally wanting to finish this fic in time to post it lmfao

Fluffy Thorki Sunday Ficlets

i started doing fluffy thorki sunday back when i was on bourbonbucky and i continued it here, and i’m proud that i’ve written at least 1 piece for fluffy thorki sunday every sunday since i started. i love doing fluff and smut, and honestly even when my mood has been shit, i’ve always felt motivated to try and improve it at least enough to write some nice fluff. i put all of these on ao3 once i moved blogs

Let Love Disrupt

this is another fic we owe to discord lmao. i remember posting this when i was either very drunk or very tired and having to keep going onto ao3 on my damn phone browser to correct minor shit, and some not so minor shit like a typo in the title bc at first it said “distrupt” and that’s why i only post when i’m awake and sober now lmfao

Without Fear

i love werewolves (: a whole bunch (: and this fic is something dirty and wonderful that i’m proud of and THERE’S ART bc @nekokat42 is a blessing and takes commissions. kot i love u :3

On the Other Side Like Always

i have a lot of feelings about this fic. there’s an entire future in this ‘verse that i would so love to write, but i’m stuck on where to go with it. as it stands i am satisfied with this as a story of thor and loki coming together, and a story about how loki does something out of desperation but is finally given something genuine and comforting in his life like he’s always deserved. THERE’S ART from the wondrous @boltplumart / @mrhiddles bc allie is perfect :]

Runaway

when i tell y’all i’m a trash gremlin king. i do have a thing for writing underage characters with adults (probs due to messy personal history lmfao ain’t gonna look at that too closely) and so writing this one was a fun little bit of self indulgence. also it’s dirty and really plays into codependency, which i always like writing bc it’s a fun thing to explore in fiction

Sunset Rhapsody

this fic. was supposed to be. two thousand words. at most. then thor smiled at me, as the writer, and was like “i want to own him” and we ended up with 11k of thor’s obsessive bs and loki being brutal. joking aside, i love this fic, i love what i did with it, i have an original story i wanna write for my size kink anthology that will follow a similar thread to this one. also that torture scene. i don’t recall if i ever properly wrote torture before, but this did kinda make me squirm a bit when i was writing it and if you’ve read it you know precisely which scene i’m talking about lmfao

Right to Guard

this fic was honestly very emotionally satisfying for me in a pretty visceral way. writing thor just surrendering to love and spoiling the fuck out of loki was pretty damn cathartic.

A Bite of Lamb

me making sure i never lose my title as a trash gremlin king. honestly writing thor’s POV in this fic was like >.> at myself a couple times bc it felt distinctly dark in a way i’d never written another character. a very, very unhealthy kind of obsession and this twisted logic where he’s trying to make it all okay. i really fucking love this damn fic tho and i’m happy with how it came out.

Seamless

i was so, so frustrated and pissed off at work that i needed to let that shit out, so that was channeled into this very guilt-ridden turned tender fic, and i really enjoyed writing it. loved writing thor taking care of his baby sister. also! KOT IS FUCKING AMAZING and drew this bc they’re such a good fucking person ;A; like they sent me a message and just said “really liked this scene” and i was D Y I N G and i still am. thank you again, kot!

The Way A Rose Blooms

this was written for the thorki secret santa exchange! i drew @chickcheney and honestly the list of prompts was so, so good. bottom thor, arranged marriage, semi-public sex and trying not to be caught, body worship. i was like “damn did i draw myself wtf” bc that is all up my alley.

Sugar Cookie

i honestly could not think of a better fic to finish off 2018 for me than sugar cookie. porn and emotions that’s all this is, but it features loki as a trans woman being loved and appreciated as she is with nothing extra expected of her and it was so satisfying to write. it makes me want to write original romance with trans women, which i’ll definitely do bc i loved writing this hungry and tender story and i’m very happy with how i ended it.

so that was 2018 for me!

#baylen fic

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twilightvolt · 6 years

Photo

I kinda was saving this for when i had the time to type everything out in one go, so let’s just get this over with before Smash drags me back into the depths of hell. XD

So, like, things happened back in 2017. a lot of things. graduated highschool, felt the winds of freedom as i stepped into the world of adulting and.....fell into a deep abyss of crippling depression as my life took a rather....wild turn to say the least. these feelings would linger and continue to haunt me throughout the majority of 2018. if you’d like to hear them or just need a refresher, my 2017 summary WITH that in depth description is on my DA that i no longer use cuz all i can think of when i go there is that year as a whole.

That’s not to say the year was cruddy, though. it really looked up by the end and it’s been one of the better years of my life as an artist. i’m about to go into that, so sit tight if you wanna actually read everything.

January: Arcus ~Collab with KLou

Things got heated at grandma’s after the holidays and we left in a huff cuz yeah, big fight the night before. it wasn’t something i ever wanna remember, but i gotta acknowledge it happened. thus began the struggles of living life as a nomad basically. From this point on until May, i won’t say much about our situation cuz honestly, time grinded to a halt after hotel life began.

February: Let’s Save the World

Believe it or not, this was a mobile drawing. i still didn’t have my tablet or my computer, so i tried using my phone for awhile. this was, of course, after i got Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth Hacker’s Memory for PS4, so this right here was my Dracomon babu Takumi, named after the former wearer of the goggles i equipped to him.

March: Let’s Kick It!

A brief moment of light as i fINALLY GOT MY TABLET BACK ONLINE! i felt like things were going to be different, we’d finally get somewhere and i felt like i could do anything again! this drawing, while super simple since it was just me around most of my current OCs at the time, was meant to represent me being back in business after around 4 or 5 months of being restricted to traditional work, a medium i, at the time, didn’t have much development in. (although, those months sure did help me learn how to draw that way in more than just sketching. so i’m actually kinda grateful i was stripped of the tools that i realize i may or may not have taken for granted.)

April: Spyro the Dragon

The Reignited Trilogy was announced and that’s why i drew that cuz literally everyone was doing Spyro fanart. i remember also doing a bunch of little doodles of other people’s characters in this same coloring style since some of the drawings i did before like the mobile drawing and my traditional work gave me inspiration on how to go about doing this new watercolor/marker like style that i started to experiment with throughout 2016 and ‘17.

May: Memories in Pieces

Remember how i said time grinded to a halt after hotel life began? yeah, this is where it reeeeaaally started to effect me. the days dragged on and blended together, we STILL could secure a home to house all of us and it just felt like my life was just....over. like, all the important stuff happened and now my story’s just done. it didn’t help that memories from the year before decided to come back and hang over me like an undying demon cloud. my anxiety and depression couldn’t have been higher. and yet i still managed to wake up. in fact, i woke up bright and early every day somehow. it felt like there wasn’t anything to believe in and yet....i still had hope that we could get through this. i knew deep down we weren’t gonna be completely out of luck.....but i still hurt at the same time.

I never uploaded this drawing anywhere, but this was, to put it simply, partly a new direction for a future project but also a vent art of sorts, representing the negative thoughts and regrets that never seemed to leave me alone no matter how much time has passed.

June: Digimon Atlas Adventures Ultima Vocal Collection

My second commission ever made since i opened that month. it was also the first time i really cel shaded along with made a logo since the year before. this day marked the turning point along with the end of my depression for the most part as the parents finally gave up and took...some of us down to Florida. a couple of siblings had jobs to keep up with, so they had to stay back in NY with.....eghh....grandma. to this day, i’m still hearing stories even if some of them eventually found their own place. i swear, the more i hear about what’s going on, the less i wanna go back to NY. >_>’

July: Drake ~Art Fight 2018

Oh yeah, we moved down to FL, but we were still in hotels IN FL, so there was change, but still pretty similar circumstances. we quickly found a place at some point, though. a cozy apartment complex that i’m happy to live in.

This is when Art Fight began....or rather when it was supposed to begin cuz they had technical difficulties for the first week or so. the day i revamped Drake for it was like i was saying hi to an old friend after parting ways years prior. it was a really fun experience that i’d gladly partake in again next year if i’ve got the time.

August: Gathers Under Night...

A very ambitious looking piece i did as an attack against a friend during Art Fight. it was my favorite attack i ever did and could quite easily be my favorite drawing from this year. after leaving hotel life behind me, i rarely, if ever, had war flashbacks or anxiety over the past. i felt like my life was finally getting somewhere again. for real this time. and that it did, thankfully.

September: Lost in Thought

A gift i made for a longtime friend and art senpai to try and cheer them up. i still look back at this and think “yeah....this is the style i’ve been longing to emulate. and i’ve finally achieved it.” granted, it took a lot from Kingdom Hearts II’s title screen, but where do you think i got my love of watercolor from?

At this point, i started to become a new person. i mean i already was considering the summer also involved me trying to become a little less total weeb at least in terms of music taste and also leaving my hoodie lifestyle for a good few months, but yeah. in fact, i think this was the month i buzzed off all my emo hair and really ended up resembling how i looked like back when i was little, anime cowlick and all.

October: The Lethal Protector

Oh yeah, Venom happened. i should’ve disliked that movie with all it’s flaws and unused potential, but instead i wholeheartedly stan it and i luv the portrayal of Eddie and Venom to the point where i forgive where it went wrong.

Yeah, i completely moved on from everything that tied me down at this point. i yeeted the past into the stratosphere and focused solely on what i wanted to do now. what my next move was. and i can thank these two losers for helping me stay focused on my craft. i also kept branching outside of Digimon. i wanted to be more than what i used to be.

November: My Favorite Ninja Frog

Didn’t do much this month, so all i had was a doodle of my starter partner for Pokemon Y. i never evolved him past Frogadier cuz i preferred him over Greninja. it was the tongue scarf, dude.

Why? ehh, it was most likely Warframe. i got into that game at some point cuz a friend persuaded me to do it. i don’t regret anything. i luv this game when i’m playing with friends.

December: Draw Your Roster Ultimate: The Winds of Reunion + Holiday Arcus

The Winds of Reunion cuz Wind Waker and the fact that everyone including Wolf, Young Link and even Pichu returned to Smash Bros. when Ultimate happened. this game cured my depression, cleared my skin and reignited my love for Starfox oddly enough since Starfox Zero AKA 64 with a new coat of paint and motion controls that weren’t as bad as you think didn’t exactly do it for me. i haven’t been so content with the way things are in a long time and i’m happy i finally got my hands on this treasure of a game. now, to wait for Kingdom Hearts III. ;w;

And now we finally get to the end of this long as heck recap. thank god Tumblr gives you unlimited characters, amirite? XD

Overall, this was a year of recovery and rebirth. it was a long and rough winding road, but in the end i think i’ve healed enough to finally get on with my life.

I’m not the same kid i used to be when i graduated highschool, and i’m definitely not the same kid i was when i was first starting out as an artist. my journey has been full of ups, downs and all arounds and it was all a much needed learning experience. even if i felt like i was suffering at times.

My future is mine to decide, and i’m not letting anything stand in my way again.

For the future i want to believe in.

#digital art #summary of art #2018 summary of art #digimon #Spyro the Dragon #venom 2018 #super smash bros ultimate #pokemon #year end reflections

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maddiicake · 4 years

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A Decade in Review

I actually wrote this at the beginning of the New Year--and, technically, New Deacade--, but I figured I’d also have it here for those who follow me on Tumblr and not on DeviantART

So, heads up, this is going to be a super long post, so I will put the extent of everything under “Read More” below, if you’d like to continue.

Thanks for your time

A Decade In Review

Well, the more I think about it... the title should be: "The deterioration of an individual through their slow painful spiral into the fiery pit of failure". Anyway... I don't really do the "Art Progress" meme things that people make for New Years Eve/Day, mainly because, for me, there wouldn't be a point. For other artists, yes, I'm sure it helps very much to show where they started off and where they are now. (Though, I did make this one way back in the day, but haven't made any since then). But, for someone like me, whose had a stagnant art quality for half of this decade now, all the pieces I would put together would just look exactly the same quality-wise xD So, I just like to take the time and write out everything together in a Journal. All in one go; no drafting or edits (unless, of course, there's grammatical errors that I spot after posting). I don't have any Resolutions for this upcoming year, especially since I didn't complete any of my resolutions from last year (except for the "save your money" one). But, very rarely do people follow through with their Resolutions--and, of course, it's awesome when they do. But, since a decade has passed... and since I've been a figure on the internet for a decade now, I'd just like to take the time and reflect on everything that has occurred since 2010:

2010

I actually wouldn't exist on DeviantART for another year (and wouldn’t be on Tumblr for another year after that). However, I got my start on Ye Ole FanFiction.Net. Yes, I was a writer before I was an artist. In fact, even before our home was wired with the internet (which was around 2008/2009), I would do nothing but stay up late and write. Before I got my first computer, I would have tons of notebooks with nothing but fan-fictions written in them. And, after getting my computer, I would transfer those written works to be a little more polished in a Word Document; and, from there, I would continue on with the story I was working on. You don't have to worry about killing trees when everything is on a file xD Of course, dumb little me didn't think to separate each chapter into different Documents. So, now there is a 800+ page document still on my computer of a "saga" of a Pokemon Mary Sue. That story was never posted, and will never see the light of day, unless, of course, I hit some special Milestone (probably a YouTube Subscriber because me going through it could only properly be done in video format--with my commentary and cringe over top of course xD). But, you know what was posted? My Ouran Host Club fan-fiction: "Fitting In". Still in that "Mary-Sue"-ish OC, phase, but I wanted to make this character more interesting and believable. So, with my anime crush, Kyoya, paired up with my Ouran OC, I set out to form my story. Completely unbeknownst to my parents, because they (specifically Mom--go figure) frowned upon me just reading fan-fictions. Because, in my mother's own words: "It's other people's fantasies". (Looking back on that now, her reason makes absolutely no sense). But, I enjoyed writing and enjoyed the series. So, after my parents had fallen asleep, I would write a chapter through the night and then posted it. Somehow, after a few chapters... my story got pretty big: tons of faves, followers and reviews--it was insane! Here I was, just being a geek, like everyone else, and enjoying the fandom. And yet, for the first time in my life... I felt what it was like to be truly supported. It wasn't support for something I didn't have interest in or was coaxed into doing (like with my parents). This was something that I enjoyed, even if it was just for fun. And people actually liked it. They actually supported me for what I liked. From there, it just continued to help me press on and keep moving forward. So, while balancing out my last year and a half of high school, I challenged myself to upload a chapter every week. And, I succeeded. I remember one Review from a user that said: "I literally got home from school and rushed over to my computer, because I knew there would be a new chapter!" Little did they all know that I actually would write the chapter all in one sitting. Yep, pulled an all-nighter the day before just to write out the chapter and then post it. I eventually did tell my parents. This was after my story had gotten a pretty good amount of following and faves to be considered--in the Fanfiction.net society--a Fanfiction worth the time to read. Dad was actually really happy and proud, even going to tell my mother about it just to "show me off". It felt nice to have his support--awkward, yes, but still nice. Mom, of course, didn't care; not that I was surprised in the slightest. But, even if I had one parent's support, the whole mass of support for individuals over the internet was able to compensate for the lack of support I received from my maternal unit.

2011:

Still writing early into the following year. I had attended my first anime convention at the beginning. mostly because J. Michael Tatum--the English voice for Kyoya--was a guest, but also other Ouran English DUB actors, including Vic Mignogna. While I was aware he played Tamaki, it wasn't until I sat in on one of his panels that I realized how popular he was among the anime community. He got many questions regarding this series called Fullmetal Alchemist. Because of how everyone seemed to know of this series (except me, of course), that was the first thing I would look into after crashing at home at the end of that weekend. Like with everyone starting out, the search results provided me with the original Fullmetal Alchemist series from 2003, so I started with that. Needless to say... it was definitely a 180 turn from Ouran, with how dark and depressing that it seemed. By the time I got to the episode with Lab 5, I didn't watch another episode for months. Long story short: Chimera!Tucker scared the absolute sh*t out of me--didn't help that I was watching the episode at night either. Parallel to those months, however... I was writing my newest Fan-Fiction, "Fire and Ice". Completely taken full interest in the Fullmetal Alchemist series, I created my newest OC, Danielle. Now, I made the mistake of jumping the gun with her creation as well as her story. Because I was still very very new to the series, and didn’t quite get a grasp on the canon character's personalities to be able to portray them In-Character well enough. Not to mention that I didn't quite understand the "Rules" of the FMA universe when it comes to creating an OC. But that's where DeviantART comes in. I made an account in the fall of that year and would post every so often. I used dA more as a secondary account just for the more visual references of my stories. So, in other words, I was promoting my main account (FF.net) by broadening expanding myself to other sites. dA being more visually oriented for creators, while FF.net was more for the story/world-building end. So, with two accounts on opposite spectrums of one another, I continued to create my stories and characters. Of course, Fullmetal Alchemist was a very popular fandom, and with the Brotherhood series being new, the fandom was more hyped up than ever. I kept to myself mostly, because I was more on FF.net than dA. However, after a while, I wanted to interact with the audience I had gained from being on dA. So, I would draw my characters and scenes from my story more often. Granted, I didn't have a tablet at the time, and would scan my sketchbook drawings in to post them. I would even try to go the extra mile to scan them in and re-purpose them digitally with GIMP (the only program I had at the time); again, though, no tablet, just a mouse. I started talking with other newbie artists and writers in the fandom, and we all started to become really good friends. The majority of us, of course (even myself at the time), looked up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy". Not naming names, but I'm sure a lot of you know the individuals I'm talking about. Inspired by their own detailed digital works, my fan-fiction was put on a hold as I began to become engrossed in drawing.

2012:

The year that marks my actual start as an artist here on dA. Or, if you want my actual take on it: The year that marks the beginning of my "downward spiral into the pit of no return or reformation". At the beginning of the year, I had purchased my tablet with my own money: A WACOM Bamboo Connect. In fact, it's the same tablet I use to this day, even though I have downsized to a much smaller version. Because my mindset at the time (and, to this day, still is): "You can have the most expensive equipment, but it's the artist themselves that makes the quality of the work." From there, along with a pirated version of Easy Paint Tool SAI, I was ready to take the next step into improving myself as an artist. (If anyone is curious... THIS was the first thing that I drew with my tablet). But, despite all that.. 2012 was rough. I picked A LOT of fights, even having the audacity to stand up to the "FMA OC Matriarchy" when there was a fight between the FMA OC groups. I saw their leader and the rest of them for who they truly were. Individuals, who still to this day (based on what I've seen from the 2nd-in-Command), that put on an act to make themselves appealing, welcoming, and "friendly" to their audience, while they're actually nothing more than self-entitled individuals who get upset because someone so dares to not like the pairing between their figment of their imagination and a fictional character. And that's when I vowed: "I will knock [her] off her throne." This said in regards to the leader of the Matriarchy. Because people, who are looked up to, shouldn’t be behaving in that sort of way! They shouldn't be acting like their word is law and whoever goes against them or disagrees with them should get their head chopped off, metaphorically speaking. Outside of the internet, they're nobodies. They don't have power over anyone when they're no longer hidden behind a keyboard and screen. The number on their profile is just that--just a number. It doesn't mean anything. And, in my mind, they all needed to be taken down a peg and realize that OCs, art, fandoms--whatever--should NOT be taken so seriously! We were all here to enjoy the same thing as them, and they had no right to treat themselves like they were queens, who governed what went on in the fandom. Of course, being a petty teenager... I did (and even drew) some things that I shouldn't have (i.e. making a satire of the Matriarchy as "Mean Girls" at the lunch table). And, I didn't really explain myself to anyone when said: "I'll knock [her] off her throne." I wasn't (and still am not) very good at explaining myself or feeling (or even understanding other's feelings and social cues). All in all that entire year was a roller coaster with on and off fights between myself and the Matriarchy--namely their leader. By the end of it all, I just wanted to quit and give up drawing all together. All I could think about was "There's no way I'll be able to surpass them and knock them off their thrones..." I always have, and still do, believe that I'm not one to be worshiped or put on a pedestal. I make it a habit to tell others that when they gush over me or my art: "I'm just a geek like you ^u^ There's no difference between us." Because I don't want to be treated the same way the Matriarchy was/is treated. I don't want to be seen like them at all, because I was nothing like them. I didn't take things seriously, I didn't treat others like they were lower than dirt to me--I wasn't an "Art Thot". I wanted to be the person that could actually BE A PERSON to my audience; not some high-and-mighty white-tower dwelling jerk like the Matriarchy. But, yet, there I was... dragging out the last of the year; trying to figure out how to not be like any of them, when it seemed like the only way to take them down a peg was to be like them. At least, to be able to surpass them. My mental state took a drastic turn for the worst as I began to become obsessed with these girls. I couldn't stand seeing them. I couldn't stand my friends talking to them (and I still can’t), because I felt like they had no idea what the Matriarchy was like--the way I knew them to truly be. I would constantly tear apart my art and look on it with disgust, because all I could see was just a big comparison between my work and theirs. I wanted to give up. "There's no way I'll pass them". I wanted to show everyone else so badly that there's someone out there that they could truly look up too. Not just as an inspiration for art, but as someone who actually cares about them and others. The days were so bleak, hopeless, endless... ending it all would have been too easy, and giving up seemed too cowardly. I was stuck. ...But, then I met AAV-sama. I had never seen them before at all. They weren't a watcher, didn't fave my works, didn't comment--nothing! It was just an out-of-the-blue comment on my profile: "Hey, wanna RP?" Now... I hadn't RPed on dA for a long while since then. But, I figured that getting back into writing would help take my mind off of everything art-related. So, we talked over what to RP, and they sent the starter. Little did I know that the beginning of that RP would be the start of something amazing.

2013:

The start of my last year in high school (graduated that spring), and would start my first year of Community College for an Art degree. I knew what I wanted to do with my life going from there. It's just, when you have little to no support system in real life, it's very very difficult to get on your feet from there and keep moving forward. Meanwhile, in the world here on DeviantART, I was still drawing little things here and there; working more on improving my ability to draw backgrounds as well as composition. I would still only post occasionally--about once a month or so--, because I was completely engulfed in the world of writing in the Notes section of dA. :devaav-sama: and I were still acquaintances and nothing more than RP Partners at the time. But, she would often share what was going on in her personal life, and, eventually, I would open up as well. From there, our acquaintanceship took a turn into friendship. She helped me find inspiration and creativity, and helped me remind myself of the love for the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom. And that would come the start of our little passion project: The Mustang Conspiracy. New OCs were made and had their own story in Next Gen of the FMA03/Shamballa universe. All the while, AAV, and I became closer and closer while excitedly gushing over scenes we made and even episodes and characters in the FMA series itself. A year after we started creating out series, I created the first picture of our own "Golden Trio". And, with the creation of these new OCs, I met other individuals, who I would become friends with. With these new friends, we all cooed and gushed over our OCs, and even made AUs of our OCs interacting with one another. Like with my Ouran story, I once again felt that love and support--support I knew I would never be able to have outside of the internet (parents/mother). I didn't (still don't) have any friends outside of the internet, so I would often have a tendency to be possessive or overprotective of my friends here online. I liked the feeling of being loved and having friends, and I didn't want it to go away. ...But, ultimately, it did.

2014:

Like with the other years, this was no different of a roller coaster. In the real world, I was passing with 90s and A's in my classes. Of course, Mom's response to my Math final grade, which was a 92%, was a big: "You can do better". (Mother, we're not an Asian family, could you PLEASE let up on the high standards...? -___- ). Anyway... Like always, I found my escape from my toxic family life to the love and support from people who liked me for who I was online. Of course... There were the same emotional disputes between I and the Matriarchy, mostly brought up because I couldn't stand to see my friends interacting with them. What took me by surprise and baffled me the most is that one of my friends became friends (and still is to this day) with the Matriarchy's "2nd in Command". My friend's art was less to be desired, and was far from being among the ranks of the Matriarchy because of it. So, needless to say, I couldn't wrap my head around the reason why the Matriarchy would allow someone like her to be friends with them when they were out of her league art-wise. The Matriarchy didn't ever do that. it was just them, and if you're not in their league, then you're not one of them. There was only one logical conclusion to all of this... They were taking my friends by lulling them into a false sense of security and making them their "friends" just so that they could turn my friends against me. Ultimately, planning to leave me in abandonment and cutting off my support system online so that I would be left with nothing. My friends didn't know them the way I did. I KNEW those people weren't to be trusted, they never were, but I didn't want to make my friends up-happy. Yeah, I can be possessive because of my over-protectiveness for my friends, but... I didn't want to be the one to make them feel upset. So, I kept to myself the majority of the time and bottled it in. And we all know what happens when you bottle things in.... you become a ticking time bomb until you eventually explode, even on the smallest of things. Sometimes, like how it was with me, the bouts of intense anger were in scattered spurts. Now, many of you may remember the time over the summer of the Ferguson shooting, which lasted until the end of the year. Being raised by an extremist (mostly the maternal side) Conservative/Republicans, my family, of course sided with the Cop. Me, not wanting to be kicked out on the streets, I did what I always did when politics came up in my family--which is 90% of the time. I agreed with them and let it absorb me to the point that I had to be like that and think that way to appease them. Clearly, the internet didn't seem to agree, and I was called a "racist" and all but one friend left. She wouldn't last long, but I cherished the fleeting moments we had together. Meanwhile, I continued to draw FanART, OCs, and such for the rest of the year, as well as continue working on The Mustang Conspiracy.

2015:

AAV was all I had during this year. Our friendship had grown to the point that I couldn't imagine a day where I don't talk to her. We had gotten to the stage where we exchanged personal contact info, and have messaged each other little "Good Morning" messages every since day since then. She was my everything. She made me feel like I was everything. If I didn't have her, I probably would find the nearest overpass to jump off of, or work on finding a good sturdy tree in the middle of the woods to tie a noose to. All in all, life wasn't worth living anymore without her. After everyone else had left, she became my one and only, and... it got to the points where I would unhealthily obsess over our friendship because of the constant fear of abandonment nagging the back of my head every single day. Even while working on our story, we took the time to set up a separate Note just for a "Creative Workshop" to further build our characters and make them more well-rounded. Now, during one of my "bleak" moments, I recall the very first time I came across the a certain Community on YouTube (not naming what kind, because I would like to keep myself and my family safe). No joke, I had searched "terrible people on DeviantART", not because I want to find other people deemed "terrible" just to laugh at, but because I was feeling like I was the terrible one. The Community was still in it's early days with only a few channels that would talk about pedos and bullies on the internet--though most of the videos at the time were just talking about pedos. Seeing those videos and watching these users deliver calm and collected speeches about users committing crimes towards children on DeviatnART, among others just laughing at lol-cows doing dumb things, it gave me a light of confidence and inspiration. They handled themselves so well, and were well respected within the Community. So, I made my first videos--not the best, just screenshots of anime characters used as expressions set to my voice reading from a script along with music, all thrown together and edited on Windows Movie Maker. Like how I got big trying something new to a new audience the last few times... this was no different. Except, well, I didn't really feel the love and support as much. However, I did start to realize that the majority of my audience really enjoyed my jokes and the way I handled situations. And, it made me reflect to the days where I would do theater. Being on stage and performing for an audience, making them laugh or impacting their lives just because a character I played happen to inspire them... it was the best feeling in the world. Up there in front of hundreds of eyes watching you, and entertaining them... it's the greatest feeling in the world. Performing was my life, it was (and still is) where my heart is and what makes me truly happy. So, while I couldn't do theater as often, making YouTube videos was close enough, and I could work on those and post them at any time; not having to worry abut a weekend-only schedule or any other time constraints. So, I started small by making jokes about bratty teenagers stirring up trouble on DeviantART, and even clicked with some of the minor channels; doing some collaboration videos with them as well. Of course, there was a group on YouTube called the YTTrollPolice. In reality, they were just kids stirring up trouble, but they would go far beyond random trolling to DoX threats. I was their first target, and, through the collabs with the others, they went after them. I shut my channel down--the others in the community did as well--, just to avoid the target and threat to our personal safety. Kids or not, we couldn't take any risks. The YYTP kid eventually found me dA and stalked me there, even after his account was banned. Taking my mind off of everything, I went back to drawing and interacting with AAV. Then... I met another user in the FMA fandom. It was a rarity these days, especially since the FMA fandom was slowly starting to die out (mostly because of me, since I was the one who made everyone--including the FMA OC Matriarchy--leave the fandom, never to return again). While I was still hesitant, as well as having those "abandonment fears", I decided "What the heck? It could just be a one-time conversation." Well... it wasn't a one-time conversation. We started talking and chatting on and off from there, and even became friends. I did my best to encourage her, because, well, I was just like her starting out. And, with practice and effort, she'd be flying on her own. Seeing every new piece she made--a HUGE improvement in such a short amount of time--, I felt what I believed to be pride. Not the selfish kind. No, I was proud of her. She looked up to the Matriarchy just like I once did. But... instead of saying anything against them around her, I encouraged her. I made sure that she didn't follow the same path that I did. And, one day, she sends me this excitement-filled note about how the Matriarchy's 2nd-in-Command +watched her and they started getting close. She had done it, and with my recommendations, she became friends with my former friends. Because despite what had happened, they were good people (or so I thought until 2016). Not only that... she also gave me hope. By giving me the name "Saki", she helped me find hope that I could turn around and become better. And, with that hope, we became closer and our friendship grew from there. Of course, with that fear of abandonment still at the back of my mind, I enjoyed our friendship for as long as the amount of time the bomb had on it. Because, at that point, my mind always saw all friendships that way--they were all the same and ended the same. So, it was best to enjoy the present until the inevitable moment when that bomb would go off. Near the end of the year, I received a Note on dA from a user I had never met, seen, or interacted with before. They and their friend had a Joined-channel that talked about brats on DeviantART and made fun of them. This user said that I was one of the ones, who inspired them to get in to the community. I let them know about the situation and why I left; they understood, but we started to chat, and they welcomed me into their group of friends. (For the sake of continuity through this journal, we'll call them "The Group"--Again, keeping it vague for my and my family's safety). We would just have fun chatting, geeking-out, and having streams reading bad fanfictions. During one of those streams, I got a message from a user, who was helping me with updates from the YTTP. According to them, the kid that made the DoX threats and stalked me and the other old users form the Community had the real police called to their house, and they ceased all intent with their "Troll Police" habits. And, like I said in that stream: "Now that they're gone, I think I'm going to start making videos again."

2016:

The beginning marked the year of when the story of The Mustang Conspiracy was put on a hiatus. I had finished Community College with an Associates in Arts and was working on where to go from there, and AAV was in the process of going back to school for her own degree. So, with personal life taking up a bit more of our time, we put the story on the shelf; however, we still worked in our "Creative Workshop" for our characters, for when they would eventually come back. Aside from that, I was working on starting up again on YouTube. I had made two accounts this time: one for my Art/Speedpaints, and the other strictly for "those videos". Posting my drawings, as well as the quality of my art, was an an all-time low; and it would be that way for another year and a half. Had I known that becoming absorbed in the Community at the time would take a huge strike to your art, I wouldn't have thought twice about going back. But, I felt like I could be someone within that Community. After every video, I felt just absolutely amazing. It was like everything I had bottled up for years could all come out full force just in one video. People liked me and supported me, that's what mattered the most. Sure, it wasn't the same like and support I used to feel, but it was support regardless, right? It was best not to complain and be happy with what I had. So, from there, I continued on with making videos. Meanwhile, on DeviantART, I decided to open up commissions. I had only done so here and there when people asked about how much I would charge for (X kind of picture) back in 2013. I wanted to make it more like a professional info sheet, since I was nearing the point where I would be seen as a "professional" (quote unquote; because I didn't--still don't--see my art anywhere close to be seen as "professional" ^^; ). But, I digress... I set up my sheet, and some people from The Group even commissioned art from me. Until mid-May when one of my former friends (one of the ones that left in 2014) began going to my commissioners and saying that I "traced" my commissions. How did I find out about this? One of my "friends" form The Group sent me a message asking if I could get in a call, and she laid out what was going on. My "friend" from The Group was also friends with my commissioner, and they (my "friend" from The Group) was in a message with my former friend via Notes. I explained to my "friend" from The Group about the situation from a few year ago, and (during this time) they had my back (note from present me, this was a bad mistake to do. You DO NOT divulge any information like this to people from The Community. This reason will be explained in the later in this section as well as the 2019 section). Of course, what was I to do? I was a small DeviantArtist with an even smaller YouTube following on both channels. But, I had enough of being treated this way and made a video about my former friend and what was going on presently. To my surprise... the video blew up in just a short amount of months. Many of my other friends came out to say that they agreed with me and had disliked this individual's behavior even before this occurrence. Though, had I known about it at the time, I wouldn't have made a video, I would have filed a lawsuit. Because, in terms of legal definitions, what my former friend was doing was a form of Tortious Interference. Of course, that was a term I didn't know about until early 2019, so there was no way for me to know that what my former friend was doing was a liable court of law offense. But, what was done was done. Of course the Matriarchy found out (go figure; they're all connected to each other). But, regardless of what happened to my former friend, I didn't care. At the time, I felt like she deserved it. Little did I know that that unsympathetic callous feelings was just the beginnings of the toxic environment of the Community getting to me. My channel started to get big really quick, and, looking back now, I see that many of The Group were more than likely upset or jealous of this. Because, in August of that year, they were quick to turn on me instead of sit down and talk things out like friends are supposed to do. They quickly dropped me, started spreading rumors, even went so far as to tell my former friend that I was going to make another video on them. I was labeled as "toxic", had hate-art made of me defaming my character, and they even made an alt account to spam my name in the comments and notes of one of their former friend (because "Saki" is such a "mean-sounding word" apparently...). The time bomb had gone off, but, unlike the other times, I wasn't even ready for it. And, up until the end of the year, I was a mixture of mad an upset, going through all sorts of emotions on the spectrum. How stupid I was to not see that I was falling in with the "Wrong Crowd". How I shouldn't have even attempted to restart my channel. How I shouldn't even have grown close to these groups of people. It would all end the same. It always did. Yet... I wasn't ready for it. Now... 2016 is a year that the majority of people despite, mostly for the results of the USA's Presidential election. Personally, I don't care for politics, but there were other things on my mind that day. See, that morning, the very same day as the election results, I had received a call from my doctor about my recent biopsy's results: Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma--Thyroid Cancer. Sure, it's not as serious a cancer like Breast or Brain, but it was cancer nonetheless. So, I was scheduled to have a total thyroid removal at the end of November, and would be put on a super restricting "iodine diet" for the majority of December that would last through the entire holidays. Christmas Dinner was torture; only able to eat a very small selection of things, while watching my family eat such amazing and delicious foods. The following week, I was quarantined in my room because I was completely radioactive. Despite craving that delicious food from Christmas, I felt like I would throw up if I ate just a cracker. My week of quarantine was was literally nauseating, completely miserable, and, above all else, absolutely boring. I could only entertain myself with my phone, because I didn't want to touch anything else--it would just be more to thoroughly clean immediately after use. January 1st Midnight of 2017 was spent in my room listening to my family excitedly cheer "Happy New Year". Needless to say, out of all the years this decade, 2016 was the worst.

2017:

With the residuals of what occurred between The Group and I gradually sputtered to stop, I took the time to stay off the internet a little and focus on my real life. I had to do something with my life. I know what I wanted to do with it. But, the thought of my parents not agreeing with my decision and not being proud of me held me back far too much. Despite having an Associates in Arts and wanting to go in a field that was about The Arts, my parents' (mother's) constant comments of: "Digital Art Degrees are a hit or miss when it comes to getting a job", "You'll never make it out in the Art field", "They're called 'starving artists' for a reason", and then she would proceed to offer ideas for jobs that required either a Science degree or a Medical degree. And... I believed her. Through her constant comments, she had coaxed me to reluctantly work to something she wanted me to be. I mean, she was right: I needed to find a job that would support myself financially, and if getting a Graphic Arts Degree wouldn't do that, then, well, I wasted 4 years of my life in Community College. So, with my mind thinking "Back to Square One", I set out to look for a part-time job. And, in February, I did. It was a short-shift job, but it paid a decent amount to get by for a while. Meanwhile, I paid less time online; only making a few videos for my channel now and then, but also wanting to get my Art/Speedpaint Channel off the ground with videos that are years old (and videos that, to this day, I still have yet to edit and post), as well as posting art when I could (once or twice a month). There wasn't much else that was eventful for the rest of the year; not until a week before Christmas. On our home's doorstep was a package from Amazon that contained an "Adult Coloring Book" titled: Calm the F*ck Down and a pack of Prisma Coloring pencils (which, by the way are not a cheap brand of pencils). Who had sent it, we weren't sure. I know I hadn't ordered it, and I didn't have an Amazon account at the time, so the assumption of it being on my "Wish-list" was out of the question. But, it was a week before Christmas, so it was probably from an out-of-state relative. Little did I know that the individual, who sent it was not either of the two, but someone who I had known, yet hadn't met in real life. And their reasons for sending me the package? Malicious, devious, and text-book level of a psycho. I wouldn't know the identity of said person for another two years. All in all, this year brought new people for me to befriend and meet as well. Of course, after everything that happened, I was very very hesitant to pursue friendships with them. What was the point anyway? They would all end the same. At this point, I had already begun to accept who I was: A narcissistic, selfish, heartless, backstabbing, toxic, indifferent annoyance, harassing, ungrateful, apathetic, hurtful, manipulative, bullying, dramatic, sensitive, arrogant, petty, spiteful, over dramatic, drama whore, lying, shady, sociopathic bitch. People don’t change. I can't change no matter what. But, that’s okay. I’ve come to accept it. And I'll keep doing my best to protect everyone else that I care about—those very VERY small few that are left. The more I can protect from getting close and affected by the monster, the better. Nobody in this world deserves more of that. I tossed those Placebo-Effect pills away, so I could stop lying to myself once and for all that "I changed" and "I'm a better person now". There was no way that, after all that happened, that was true. There's no point in denying it or hiding anymore. I am who I am. I don't like it, but that's just the way things are, and I will forever be that person--No. I'm not even human after all that I've done. I'm a monster, and I'll be that way forever. My Cancer wasn't able to get rid of everyone else's suffering--suffering by the fact that I exist--, and I wouldn't be able to give them that release and make things right once and for all.

2018:

At the cusp of this year around January-February, I had noticed that the friend in the FMA fandom (the one who had given me my new name as well as hope to become better), hadn't been interacting with much as she used to. I found it strange, and I didn't want to assume anything, so I messaged her via Tumblr and asked if I did anything to upset her. Because, after the knee-jerk reactions of the Community, I had come to prefer talking things out with an individual and fix problems in a civil manner. Well, we did talk things out in a civil manner. But, long story short, she didn't want to be friends with my anymore. Her reason: Because she didn't want me to make a Video about her. Where did she come up with that reason? I never made any mention of it to her, and the only reason why I made the videos on my former friends because they actually did something to me and were going out of their way to commit Defamation per Se and Tortious Interference--among basic libel and slander. She had done nothing to me that would make me want to even consider making a video on her. However, despite my best efforts of trying to reassure her, I eventually had to reluctantly respect her wishes and let her go. We un-watched each other, and that was that. But, something was odd... Not only did he un-watch me, but also blocked me. Un-watching, I could understand. But blocking as well? That didn't make any sense... After months of having the worry drive me insane, I eventually came to the realization that tore my apart. I didn't want to believe it, but, after analyzing everything that occurred, nothing else made sense except what I had realized. She was USING me. She was only friends (and "litter sister" to the 2nd-in-Command) with the entire Matriarchy because of me. And what thanks did I get? NOTHING! She gave me false hope that I could change and be better--lying through her teeth the entire time. Not only that... she PRETENDED to be my friend. Like everyone else, she knew my weak spot: Friendship. All that mattered to me. Having the support group to escape to when my parents (mother) didn't give me any and tried to drag me away from the things I loved and enjoyed. They knew it. She knew it--it was her plan all along, wasn't it?! She used me. She. USED. Me. Slept her way to the top, so to speak, without any effort; just rode along on my coat tails until she had no use for me anymore. ...And I was stupid to fall for her feigned innocence and let her get away with it. I stupidly turned around, thinking nothing of the situation until she plunged her knife deep enough to the hilt right through me. ...I know that's an extreme jump to conclusions, but what else was I supposed to think? I thought I was numb after all the other things I had to go through in the previous years. But, after what she did... I couldn't remember a time where I went through that much pain; pain that lasted for months afterwards. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was taking each day by day and doing my best to act as normal as I could around family, despite everything that occurred/was occurring online. I quite my part-time job, and spent the summer looking for a better one; eventually landing a full-time job (my current one) that paid really well and had good benefits. Sure, it took a lot of time away from working on art, especially when the Holidays came around and there was so much overtime I was working between 55 and 60 hours per week. I tried to manage as much as I could with my online status and stay as active as I could though, even if my quality of art never increased because of the lack of motivation and little time I had in between with work in order to put some art together.

2019:

And, now we come to the final year of the decade. I focused more and more on my art and developing it enough to where I became a better Mimicker Artist. Even though there have been many more times where I had to politely put others down when they remarked about "[my] style"; it was a similar reply I would have to make to comments like those before. Other than that, though, there were many ups and downs, like there were every year. Midway through 2019, I met some new individuals, who had left when the Community became too toxic, and got in a call with one of the former friends of The Group (We'll call this individual "J"). Through the call, which lasted about 3-4 hours--there was a lot they had to unpack and let me know--, J informed me of everything The Group was saying and doing behind closed doors on Discord. Even going so far as to get their (former) connection, who had easy access to the Deep and Dark Web, to go after people they they didn't like. One of those people, included myself. Remember when I mentioned that Amazon package I received during Christmas of 2017? It was them. Their reason: "Make [me] so stressed out to the point that [my] cancer comes back in a more severe case and kills [me]." The moment J told me that, I let everyone in the call know that I had to step away for a minute. Then, I muted my mic, and promptly went to the bathroom to throw up. Even if it was way passed midnight after the call ended, I couldn't get any sleep because I was shaking so bad. These people--people, who third-party viewers call "drama whores"--, were more than just that. "Drama whore" was a huge understatement. These people... were psychos. Thankfully, they hadn't done anything else since then (Especially since their little Deep Web friend stopped interacting with them and The Group is against him now). But even so, the fact that these people went out of their way to have me killed just because I was making fun of them for being immature and stupid... it was more than just the epitome of "insane". Who does something like that? Who thinks that the way to "get back" at someone for making fun of you on the internet is to have them killed? Again, thankfully, nothing else has happened since then; but, of course, if it does, I'm calling the police. Back in the real world, I managed to sway my parents to let me go to an Art-Collage. Sure, had I let in on the fact that I wanted to go into Theater or Graphic Arts, they (Mom) would have shot it down immediately and gave me the speech I always got. So, I managed to settle on a Film Degree, which was more like my Plan C (a field that still interested me, but not 100% what I loved), still mostly out of the fear that they wouldn't accept me for a field that I actually wanted to go into. And, for the majority of 2020, I'll be working on saving up to attend that school; hopefully able to get some grants or scholarships so that I won't have to worry about paying the rest of my share after the FAFSA amount is taken out. At the end of the day, and year, at least AAV and I are still as close as ever, and I wouldn't trade her for anything else in the world. I've said it before and I'll say it again: life isn't worth living without her. She's all that I have left in this world that matters. She's the only one I can trust that won't leave or abandon me. To this day, it still baffles me that she didn't drop me and leave, like the others had, when we had our first petty spat. So, if anyone could be considered a "true friend", it would be her. Of course, I still can't get close to others, and I wouldn't even dare try to attempt a new friendship. I try to be nice and civil when others ask: "Can we be friends?" I give them the short explanation of why I can't get close to others anymore, and, luckily, they understand. I know it's wrong, and I should give people a chance, but, after all that's happened, I can't risk anything.

Anyway, so that's my entire Decade in review. It's crazy to think how long it's been since then and how much has happened... The years and events may have changed, but I and everyone else haven't. I know I certainly haven't. Like I mentioned in 2017, I began to accept who I was, and eventually fully accepted it through the entirety of the next year. And, like they have been for almost 10 years, my thoughts never changed on the Matriarchy, and it absolutely disgusts me whenever they (especially the 2nd-in-Command) acts mature and friendly for "brownie points", and saying lies like: "...inspiring others from a healthy approach to pursue whatever they aim for, because it can definitely be achieved. ..." (Not to mention that she has no idea what having an actual reason for anxiety feels like). Well, there's one thing I can agree with her on... there's people that I used to look up to that I shouldn't have. That includes her and the rest of the FMA OC Matriarchs. Because those people are nothing more than self-entitled, immature, holier-than-thou individuals, who act like their word is law, everyone else is lower than dirt underneath them, and use their mob mentality on others for some stupid petty "block brigade" on Tumblr just because someone doesn't like their OC with Ed. Even when I was a small barely-100-watcher DeviantArtist, I saw them all and their true colors and thought that way of them. 10 years later, and my mind still hasn't changed. Because people don't change, no matter how badly they want to--I'm a bright and shining example of that. My goal concerning them is the same that it's always been: "Knock [them] off their thrones." My mind hasn't changed about them. And I still wholeheartedly believe that what they did, have done, are doing is NOT the right thing to do. And I will keep working my tail off until I surpass them and take them down a peg. No one that "looks up to" you should be treated in the ways that they have done over the years. If you're looked up to, be an actual adult for once as well as a good role model. Of course, I am far from being the latter. Little me from 2010 might look at my art and say: "Wow!" But, I just have to say in response: "Kid... forget all you know about art. Go get a degree in the medical or science field. You don't want to go down the path I had to take." Present-Day "Me" isn't someone that 2010 "Me"--or anyone else for that matter--should look up to. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm a "lost cause" after all, and I'm not someone that should be seen as "inspirational". Not after the things I've done and said over the years. And, through this entire decade, I began to see that the world is nothing more than a dark and cruel place full of people, who will turn against you the moment you disagree with them or abandon you when they have no use for you anymore. (That's not me being "edgy" -__- That's me being realistic). But, then again... had I not pursued this path and found the FMA fandom, I never would have met my best friend, AAV. She's the highlight of every New Year in my life, and, while the world may seem bleak to me the majority of the time... she finds a way to light it up in her own special way. So, even through these ups and downs, I'm happy to have her in my life. She means everything to me, and I wouldn't trade anything else in the world for her. No, we're not a couple--like many have assumed and publicly stated on that rumor--, she and I are just friends. Best friends, yes, but friends nonetheless. But, other than that, I'm going to keep working on art here on dA, because, with this new decade, there will be a new batch of up-and-coming artists. And, while I don't really think I'm someone worth looking up to, I still want to help them work on their craft and make something of themselves. Even if that one former friend used me for her personal benefit... I still enjoyed seeing how happy she was once she was able to start flying on her own, so to speak. It was an amazing feeling, and, knowing that I helped someone achieve that, I just can't help but feel so proud of them. And, I really want to help other beginner artists out and climb up their own mountain. It's okay if some aren't as fast learners as the others; it's the lessons we learn along the way and the mistakes we make to learn from. Anyway... here's to 2020 everyone!

#long post #You Know Who You Are #ironic how within just the few first months of this year.... everything goes downhill xD #Welp. It's always best to get the negative stuff done and over with at the beginning #better to start bad than end bad #madiis musings

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